Move Forward with Faith

Angelversary #9

2019-08-14T15:44:00.002-06:00

Dear Mikkie angel!

One of our favorite things to do on your angelversary is to watch your home videos. Sitting on the couch all together cuddling, laughing, crying, smiling, remembering.....

I love the opportunity to be together with loved ones to talk about and remember you. What parent doesn’t love talking about their children? 😁

To some it may seem that you had an ending to your short life but to me it was merely an interruption. I know your spirit, I know your essence and I feel it close by, you are very much alive to me, and I know some day in the future I will get to see that sweet face of yours again, hug you tight, and experience the most inexpressible joy. That day seems far off right now but so did today 9 years ago, the day you died. I love that there are angels among us, helping us by our side. I have no doubt that you are an incredible angel doing so much good, spreading so much joy and light.

You know how butterflies remind me of you... there have been so many that have fluttered right by me this past month it makes me smile! I’m not even on the lookout for them, they just fly right in front of me... such tender mercies to me. I know you are close by sweet girl, I know you are with your family who loves and adores you. Seeing all these butterflies has caused me to think about them more and I heard something about them on a podcast I was listening to that I absolutely loved. They start out as caterpillars, busy doing their thing and when they become completely and totally immersed in their cocoon they come out a new creature, a beautiful butterfly!

Similarly, we are like caterpillars, busy about our lives doing our best but when we become completely and totally immersed in Christ, we shed our old self or natural man and He makes us into a new being! I love that! How powerful is that!

I love my Savior so much and am so grateful for His strength, comfort, peace and love that I have felt. I know He has been by my side, holding me closely in His arms in my darkest hours, and continues to be with me lifting me up and helping to press on. He has helped me to feel joy again, and has given me hope.

You are so special, little angel of mine. Remember you’re in my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, I’m always thinking of you and memories of you are etched in my heart forever.

Love always,

Mama

Angelversary #6

2016-08-13T20:32:00.001-06:00

Hello sweet girl of mine!

I don't even know where to begin, both my mind and heart are filled with peace yet weighed down with so many different emotions.

So much has happened in 6 years..... oh so much. A lot of good and a lot of not so good. So many of those days were taken one little bit at a time. Life sure is crazy, with all the curve balls it throws at ya. Life is also beautiful. I'm definitely not the same person you knew back then. That's a good thing, I think.

You'd be proud of the progress we've made through these years. This summer I put Faith and Spencer in swimming lessons and Emmett will be next month. Not only that but while at Snowbird we all went to the outdoor pool together... As a family, even Emmett. HUGE deal. It was a little nerve wracking but we had fun together. We just made sure to be super strict about being assigned to a boy and watching them super close.

There are still certain things I can't bring myself to do at this time, and I may never get to that point but that's ok.

A couple big things I've learned along the way that's made all the difference for me is:

Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness or self worth. You will always be disappointed. Instead turn to God, He's absolutely the ONLY one who can fill those needs properly and won't ever leave us feel wanting.
It is possible to feel peace amidst trials.... if we turn to God. I've tried calming myself, taking things into my own hands and it may work for a little bit but then I come crashing down once again feeling immensely overwhelmed and helpless. We NEED God. We absolutely cannot get through this crazy life without the real, true peace that only He can offer. Relying on our own strength is weak, relying on God's strength though.... we can do anything! With God ALL things are possible!
We are definitely NOT alone. I know it. I cannot deny it. No one can tell me there is not a God. His love is so familiar to me, and I yearn for it every single moment of every day. Having His spirit with me is the greatest gift I could ask for, nothing is worth losing that.
God's love transcends all. Nothing works better in this world than pure Christ-like love. It is so powerful.

Bottom line, God. He is the reason I am still here today and (somewhat) sane. :) He is the reason I am not just trying to endure, but enjoying the journey along the way... finding happiness in each situation. If it ever is possible, I am living proof. He is the reason I am strong; there's no other explanation for the way I feel other than a strength beyond my own. I know the difference. I feel it. My strength is imagined, His is real. Mine expires, His is lasting.

I'm grateful to be alive, to have a beautiful family, to have a perfect angel girl watching out for us, for the valuable and hard lessons I've learned, for an amazing support system from so many incredibly loving family and friends, for the Gospel that gives me great hope, without that hope I would feel so incredibly lost and lonely and feel life is so pointless; but it's not, life is so meaningful, it's precious and we only have one shot at it. Mostly I'm of course so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is so good, so powerful, so loving. With Him I know I'm enough, I know who I am and who I want to become. I cannot say enough good things about Him. I love my Savior with all my heart, the only One who truly understands my pain, He knows perfectly, and therefore He can help us perfectly.

I love this picture, it always reminds me of you sitting with Jesus, and of course the butterfly is something of significance to me :) I think of you every time I see one and believe that you are near, I see one everywhere I go.

I love you so very much, you are not forgotten!

Love,

Mama :)

5 year Angelversary

2015-08-15T14:12:00.001-06:00

Dear Mikkie,

Well, it's that day. That one day of the year that I dread, though I haven't felt it as much this year. It's weird. I feel a lot more peace this year, more of a feeling to want to smile. I woke up just feeling pretty tired. Maybe this is the next stage of the grieving process? Maybe I am progressing more?

When I woke up and checked my email and saw that people had shared my post on FB, I wasn't even expecting that. A few hours later some flowers were delivered to our home, then a while later a friend stopped by just to see how I was doing and gave me a little gift and hug. Texts, notes, thoughts and love shared all around. It brought tears to my eyes to see just how much people really care and remember, and want to help make this day special in honor of my sweet Mikkie, it really is very touching to me. I am inspired by all those who are "mourning with those that mourn" and helping to lift us up.

There are a lot of things hazy in this industry of mine but one things for sure, that my Mikkie is still here. There is an afterlife. I WILL see her again. And when I do it will be sweeter than I can ever imagine. My puny little mind can't comprehend the feeling.

How do I know I feel her? Am I just creating these feelings because that's what I want? No. A mother knows her child better than anyone, and I know what her sweet presence felt like when she was alive; she still has the same spirit, nothing's changed besides she's no longer here physically. But if I pay attention, it's as if she never left. Her spirit is so strong with us, I just know it.

Last night we met at your place with some family and had a special remembrance of you. i wanted to get there earlier to eat dinner as a family by you and then after I still had time to just relax and unwind and share some special time with just us.

Once again, I was expecting the water works to start but I just felt content, at peace. Happy. I felt that, like Gramma explained, "she really wanted us to remember her with happy thoughts today." The whole day was very bright and sunny and warm. I remember in the morning, I actually woke up early enough to see the sunrise, and the sun was just super brilliant and bright shimmering across the lake, it was so beautiful. The sun was just beating down on us all day, (with a little cloud cover as we sat at your grave, thank goodness), and I just had a distinct impression that it was a reminder to me to just be ok with feeling happy today. Smile, embrace the joy in my heart. I was able to watch your home videos with a smile in my heart. I do feel as though my grieving is maturing. There are certain things that I still cannot think about or do though without feeling that dread. I just have to allow myself time and be patient with my timing, not trying to rush or even slow things. I may not even overcome some things in this life.

It was sweet to hear Faith's thoughts as she shared some of her favorite memories with you. She LOVES her Mikkie Frog, that thing is near and dear to her heart. She's had it ever since you left, and it laughs like you and she can dress it in your clothes, so no wonder why she's so attached. It was also nice to hear thoughts from others in the family, I love hearing what's on other's minds.

Eating ice cold watermelon is one of my favorite traditions, it's so nice to have it to cool down with it being so hot out. I'm so glad you loved watermelon! Emmett loves it just as much as you do, consuming the rind as well. So funny.

I also love doing the Day of Forgiveness in memory of you, and am humbled by all who want to join. I love the feeling of just letting go of burdens in my mind as I release the balloon. I close my eyes and just tell myself to let it go. I'm not saying that it happens right then, but I made the first step in feeling peace. I hope that as time goes on, more and more people will feel inspired to join and become better, happier people in the process of forgiving.

Thoughtfulness from friends

I've been wanting to find more ideas to keep as tradition in addition to eating watermelon and white balloon release, and it's a "Mikkie Mementos" box filled with some of your favorite things for each of the kids. They loved them!

The adults get a butterfly shaped bag of "Mikkie hugs". :)

It was such a beautiful day of remembrance, so grateful for the thoughtfulness, love and support from so many.

I LOVE YOU sweet angel! Thanks for making it so obvious to me that you were right there with us.

Love,

Mama

The night before

2015-08-13T22:20:00.002-06:00

Hello sweet girl,

It's hours away from being the 14th, and I'm at a loss of what to write and say. I want to invite others to join in the day of forgiveness in your honor but can't find the words or motivation. I want to make tomorrow as special and memorable as I can, yet I struggle to know what to say or do anymore.
It's so weird how I feel, not sure whether it's peace or numbness, or a bit of both. I'm usually a lot more emotional before. Maybe i'm just planning too much and expecting too much from myself and instead of worrying about what to say to others, I should just focus on just you and what I would do for you, not anyone else. I worry that as more years go on maybe people won't want to participate, or worry about not saying something inspiring or maybe people are getting bored from sitting listening to us in the hot sun at the cemetery.

The problem with all of this, I see now, is that I'm too focused on what other people will think and do. It doesn't matter if the only people that participated was just myself, I'm doing this for YOU, in your memory and the fact that others join us is a bonus. And I don't have to think so hard about coming up with the perfect thing to say, there's not going to be a magical thing I can say, I just need to focus inside of me and what I really feel, whether it be something simple or not, whether I think it's lame or whatever.

I haven't written in here for a while because I feel like I can't express myself as well as I used to. I used to write a lot more and things just seemed to flow, why is it such a struggle now? Maybe I over think things to much, I should just write.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I was doing Faith's hair in the afternoon so I could take her school pictures. She started complaining her legs were tired and she needed to sit, then started to slowly collapse against the wall on her side. I thought she was just joking around and being silly, but when I realized that something was wrong and she wasn't responding to me, I quickly laid her on the floor and she finally came to. Her face was all pale and cold/clammy, she said she had blacked out and her chest was hurting.
Panick.
Of course I started to freak out, and without any consent, my emotions took over and I called Daddy and then Gramma and started sobbing, frozen in fear.

I took her to the Instacare as soon as me neighbor came to stay with Emmett who was asleep. Grampa met us there and waited. The doctor seemed concerned about the chest pain so he sent us to the hospital for further tests.
When I got there, my eyes were obviously tear-stained and red, and as I was checking in, I got the sense from the lady that she was probably thinking, "calm down lady, no need to freak out over her fainting." And maybe more who saw me thought the same thing. What they don't know is the behind the scenes. And even those who do know about it may still not even fully understand. When I experience something traumatic, very stressful and emotional, it's like the door in my mind that i shut and locked and repressed, flings open and flashbacks come flooding my mind and I have no control over my emotions. Depending on the severity of the situation, sometimes i'm able to quickly slam that 'door' back shut, and be ok, or maybe have the emotions be delayed and fall apart as soon as I leave the crowds. I never am just experiencing the situation at hand, it's that plus the experience with you. That's me now. I am forever ruined, and that's just the way I will probably always be. I may seem to others to be overreacting, but they just don't understand.

Gramps gave Faith and I a blessing of comfort and did it work! Ever since then I've felt a great, deep sense of peace. Maybe it's carried on over to tonight and that's why I can't really feel anything but just ....peace.

I better get to bed, big day tomorrow. Who knows what it will hold.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

Angelversary #4

2014-08-17T20:56:00.002-06:00

It's crazy how one day can be just another day to most while for others it's a day of celebration or grief. Four years, Mikkie, how can that be? It was only yesterday that you were in my arms, looking up at me with that award winning smile and bright blue eyes.

Time seems to have been speeding up each year, it's beginning to be a big blur! That's why even more than ever I'm seeing great importance of living in the moment, being completely present wherever you are and whoever you're with, and giving your full, undivided attention.

Three days ago, it was a beautiful day full of many tears, memories, laughs, cries, smiles, love, support, comfort.... and your unmistakable presence. There was no doubt that you were with us, wow, you made it very clear that you were there! It brought so much comfort to me, I can't describe or explain the feeling I got, but you were there. Memories may fade but I could never forget what your sweet little spirit and presence feels like. I told people, and I was serious, I felt like God gave you the reigns over the weather for this day because He knows what an important day it is, and knew what would give us comfort. There's no way something could be orchestrated so perfectly and at the right timing all by coincidence. There is no such thing as coincidence anyways.

It went like this.....

Started out cloudy, with a gentle wind as we gathered around your grave.

"Every time I feel the wind brush across my face, I’ll think of you sending kisses and blowing them my way."

As soon as daddy and I started talking, sharing our thoughts to everyone, the small rays of sunlight that were peaking through in the distance burst through the clouds, shining ever so brightly and warmly on us. By the time it was my turn to say something, I was overcome with a feeling so strong and knew at that moment you were there.

"Every time I feel the sun shining through the clouds, I'll think of you let me feel the warmth of your love..."

A few tears were shed as others shared poems, thoughts, memories. Rain sprinkled lightly just enough to notice.

"Every time I see the rain falling from above, I’ll think of you shedding tears each time I cry for you"

Rainbow suckers were being passed out to all the kids, when I hear, "Laura, look at the rainbow!!"

I darted over quickly as to not miss any chance of seeing it. There is was.

"Every time I see a rainbow cross the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day."

My friend surprised us with butterfly cookies, so sweet.

"Every time I see a butterfly flutter pass, I’ll think of you, oh how fast life transforms to the other side"

I brought out watermelon for everyone to munch on, one of your favorites :) Though I didn't see anyone eat the rind like you ;)

The kids all pranced around having fun, enjoying being together. We had a nice time visiting with each other.

I brought one of your dresses and bows and had Spencer dressed up in it so people could see just how much he resembles you... it's uncanny, especially when you get him dressed up looking like you. :) Your Gramma told me to hurry and take off the dress before she bawled. hah Everyone was gasping and taking pictures of him. I told my friend, who never met you, "Come meet Mikkie!" hah It was great.

Grandma made me take this dress off before it made her bawl. The resemblance of you is just uncanny.

Then driving home... right in front of me the whole drive home, we got an amazing show with a darkened sky, with red/orange clouds, lightning and a little rain. It was quite the sight, I was in awe!

The following day you'd never know we got such a spectacular show, it was back to looking like a regular day. I'm ever so grateful for God's tender mercies.

Usually the balloons go straight up and disappear, but this time they went up out of sight, then a few minutes later we saw them coming into sight again but flying to the East.

Forever Family.

Just incredible. Grandpa noticed something in this picture.... look at the top left, do you see the baby?! Man, too perfect.

Your uncle Patrick wrote a poem about you and shared it that night, it was very touching. Especially the fact that he thought of it on his own, I'm very moved by that kind of thoughtfulness. I asked if I could share it...

"Memories are fickle. And can play tricks on your mind.

They often don't last the test over time.

But I can still feel you and know you are there.

And I hold to the hope that i will always still care.

Care enough to remember that I must always be good.

Care enough to try hard when I know that I should.

Care enough to hold on to beliefs that are weak.

Care enough to ask for sweat gentle relief.

It is time to move forward, time to forgive what i lost.

It is time to realize that Mickie will never be lost.

I know there will be a reunion in a happier place.

but it still doesn't stop me from missing your face.

We love you mikkie!"

I could feel his love for you as he read it. You are a very loved little girl, Mikkie. Your sweet spirit did and continues to touch others. A hard day turned out once again to be beautiful, full of much love and support from so many, sweet reminders, sharpening and brightening memories of you, and an incredible closeness with you. Thanks for making it clear to me that you were here with us like I asked, I was paying close attention :)

I love you my precious girl!!

Love always,

Mama

Linked

2014-03-12T19:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Mikkie,

I just got a little insight this morning that made me think and realize once again how much God is part of our lives, even in the little details.

I was just reading an article that was too perfect. It's like listening to General Conference and hearing a talk or two and knowing that it wasn't by coincidence they are talking about that topic, but because God knew it's what you needed. As I was reading this article, I stopped and my thoughts turned to thinking how I happened on this in the first place. I was on Facebook, saw an article that moved me, leading me to think about some things about myself and things in my life, then I thought about writing down my thoughts in my journal; then I stopped after a few sentences, jumping online to do one thing but instead came to the article. At that moment a thought came to my mind that a good friend had shared with me last month. She had mentioned how sometimes she may get a feeling to see if I'm ok or another friend, and when she find out I'm ok, it's like God had this little process to help her get to the point to talk to me, not because of the fact that something was wrong, but maybe just because we both needed a friend at that moment, and instead of just calling me at the first thought, God knew He had to go a round-about way to get her to talk to me. I'm not sure if any of that just made sense, but I thought of that as my mind ran through this little scenario this morning- I feel God knew that I wasn't going to go directly to the site to find the article; He knew I would be on Facebook and see the article, be moved, stirring up thoughts in my mind causing me to action, leading me to what I feel like I needed to read. This has happened more times than I can count, and I'm not one to believe in coincidence, I believe everything happens for a reason, whether it's something big or just something simple.

It's no doubt to me that God is in even the tiniest of details in our lives. We may not even recognize it more than half the time, but He's there. I think we would be surprised by how many of our thoughts are linked through to Him.

I love you Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Reminders for me

2014-03-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hello sweet girl,

Life is sweet. Every day is not perfect, I don't always do and say the right things, and the day doesn't always go as well as I expected, but that doesn't mean life's not great.

The other day I was backing out of the garage a little too fast, a little too close to the side, knocking the mirror off. I was in a hurry and just pushed it back on, and later down the road the mirror flung off and was dangling by two cords, thumping against the van, then to my dismay it broke off and flew into the middle of the busy road, almost dragging the bulk of it with it. I turned around, parked on side of the road it was closest to, and waiting for a opening in traffic, I got my prego self out, only to have the sleeve of my coat catch onto the door lock. I had to wait for another chance to run, then made an awkward waddle-dash, squatted to pick up the mirror and threw it back in the van feeling very annoyed that this was making me late. Then I just laughed because, it really wasn't that big of a deal, it was nothing that duct tape couldn't fix and there are much more serious things that could've happened, and this had only been a gentle reminder again to be more careful when I back out of the driveway.

Rewind a week before that. A saturday morning, daddy and I were in the kitchen talking, Faith had just ran out to play and little did we know Spencer had followed her out. Oblivious to anything that just happened, Spencer came bopping around the corner into the kitchen, begging for snacks as usual. I get a text 5 minutes later from my friend/neighbor a couple doors down saying they were leaving, and backing out of the driveway noticed Spencer was right behind them. She noticed our door was open, and nobody answered when she called out Hello, so she stuck Spencer inside and shut the door. Thankfully they are safe drivers and drove slowly to see my little boy. I felt a flood of relief wash over me, and then guilt for not knowing he had escaped out the door, and then the thought of realizing something could've happened to my little boy brought tears to my eyes and my heart sank, yet full of gratitude to God for protecting him. I knew that you, Mikkie, his guardian angel, were protecting your little brother. It took a few hours for me to get over those feelings.

Then just yesterday, just a few miles down the road from us was a very bad car accident involving a smaller car and a big cement truck. It sent shivers down my spine as I looked over the car that had been smashed to smithereens, then tears filled my eyes as I prayed everyone was ok.

These three experiences are reminders to me to take life a little slower, be grateful for every moment, and not get caught up in the thick of thin things.

Each day, each hour, each moment is special and I intend to do my best to make the most of it.

I love you my little girl!

Love,

Mama

Goals

2014-01-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hello sweet girl,

It's that time of year again... it's just incredible that a new year is upon us and already almost into March! I love this time of year, starting new and fresh, making goals. I don't really like to do New Year Resolutions anymore, but have a specific thing I want to focus on more.

Last year I was focusing simply on being happy. What I've learned is that we are each in control of our OWN happiness. We cannot and should not give the reigns of our happiness to anyone else. And you cannot force anyone to be happy. You have to constantly choose to be happy; no matter what others do or say or think of you, you can choose to let that get to you and effect you negatively, letting them choose your emotions, or you can choose to learn to be ok with what others think and still choose to be happy and show love and be the type of person you want to be. People, especially those closest to us, can greatly influence our happiness, but the minute we allow them control over our feelings (making us feel hurt, angry, sad, etc..) we are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. We can instead think to ourselves...."why does what they said or did make me feel this way? and think it out in our minds until we feel we are ok with the reason." I think once we can become strong enough to feel, with a soft and loving heart, "I'm ok with you needing to feel angry at me." If there's something that needs to be apologized for on YOUR end, you do whatever needs to be done, but if it's on their end... all you can do is be ok with it, and show them love. Seriously that has really truly helped me to be a much happier person! Not relying on others completely for my own personal happiness- I'm happy because I want to be. It's empowering to feel that you can choose to be happy and not let what people say or think get to you, and continue to feel and show genuine love. That's what Christ is like- people were always criticizing him and judging and speaking unkindly of and to Him, but did He let them affect how He felt? He might have felt sad... for THEIR sake, but it did not change his inner happiness. He knew who He was and what His mission was. He could look past people's actions and words and see into their hearts- He loved purely and unconditionally. What an AMAZING kind of love, it just astounds me.
I'm not even in the vicinity of being close to loving like that, but I know that when I do try and practice just loving, I feel closer to Christ and I can see people through His eyes, causing me to feel the love He has for them.

My goal for this year is looking more outwardly- putting myself in other people's shoes, trying to see things from their view.

A quote from Mother Teresa came to mind, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
An instinct for most of us is to jump to conclusions, assuming the worst, maybe not even realizing it and not intending to think ill or have bad intentions towards the other. If something happens, say... someone cuts you off on the road or is going to slow, our immediate reaction or thought is "Wow, what a jerk" or "what's wrong with this person!" or if the store clerk is not very friendly, we automatically think "Man, what a grump!"

What are we doing in these and many other times? We are judging negatively. We are consumed with thoughts of all the negative things that we THINK are right, leaving zero time to feel or show any love to that person. Pretty much most the time we are wrong about others anyways.

If instead we took each circumstance and stepped back for a minute before we get hijacked on the negativity train, and put ourselves in their shoes thinking what would cause a person to act like or say that? By trying to understand others and how they feel and where they may be coming from helps you to feel more sympathy and compassion for them, leaving zero time to feel negative towards them.
We all want to feel loved and understood right?

I pray I can become this type of person, be a more compassionate, loving person just because I want to, not because people are giving me reasons to (or not giving any which would make me feel inclined to withhold showing love)- I choose to show unconditional love.

I certainly have an unconditional love for my children. Mikkie, your death has taught me a great deal about this.

I love you as purely as a mother can.

Love,

Mama

Angels among us

2014-01-05T16:05:00.001-07:00

Dearest Mikkie,

A friend recently asked me if the holidays have gotten easier for me. I didn't really know how to answer that. Easier as in am I crying everyday and feeling the same heart wrenching pain that was so fresh 3 years ago.... no I'm not. Is it easier in such that the holidays are back to 'normal' and I'm able to handle not having you here with me.... no, things will never be the same. Holidays have been and will forever be changed. It's just the way life is now.

So yes, I'm able to cope better, things are 'easier' in that aspect, but the longing I feel to have you back in my arms and the wishing and dreaming of what life would be like if you were still here will be a constant part of my daily life.

The spirit of excitement for Christmas and watching the kids open their gifts has not left, it's still there, but is also coupled with pangs of sadness as I look at your empty little stocking, and think about what I would have gotten you and how I would have loved to see the pure excitement in your eyes, matching that of your sister's.

Angels have been on my mind a lot, obviously because I'm always thinking of you. I love the song "Angels Among Us" and whenever I hear it I feel a strong powerful feeling testifying of it's truth. There ARE angels among us, seen and unseen, earthly and heavenly.
We all have times when things happen that you just can't explain, and some would chalk it up to coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. There is definitely someone watching out for us. I know there is someone watching out for me, and I know that angels are so very real and so very close. I have felt you so close this Christmas, you have a very sweet, special presence- one that I recognize so very well. You are my personal angel, and have been by my side to comfort me and strengthen me. That's proof that we have a loving Father in Heaven- He loves us so much, and family is not just important but KEY to His plan, that He allows us even beyond the veil to continue helping and blessing the lives of our family.

I recently read a quote by Joseph Smith saying, "If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

That's powerful and interesting to me. The fact that is says 'angels cannot be restrained'... says to me that angels are eager to help us, it takes for them to be restrained to not be there, otherwise they are hard at work helping loved ones. How amazing is that!

Here's the words to the beautiful song Angels Among Us. So beautiful, I cannot hear it without getting major goosebumps and get the feeling that an angel is right next to me... and I know who it is :)

I love you sweet, sweet girl!! You are a true angel in my life, when you were on earth, and now in Heaven you continue to bless my life. You are truly Heaven-sent.

Love,

Mama

"I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.

And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love."

Happy 5!

2013-11-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby girl,

Happy birthday today! Such a beautiful day 5 years ago when you came into our lives; we were changed the moment we met you and will always be touched by your sweet little spirit.

Such a day full of bitter and sweet emotions. I feel fine, no tears in sight, one moment then the next tears flood out uninvited. I sure did feel your sweet spirit with us, can't really describe it to anyone and they may not even believe me, but I know what I feel and I know you were here. Who would miss out on their own birthday even if they were on the other side! I know you wouldn't have missed it for anything. I put so much love into everything I did for your celebration, I could just see you loving the purple and butterflies; I just put all I had into giving you an amazing birthday as I could. You deserve a fun birthday party just as much as the rest of our children. I regret never giving you one while you were here, but you sure did enjoy yourself at Faith's candyland one!

Daddy shared some thoughts today and was saying how some may think we are living in the past by continuing to celebrate your birthday with you gone, but we see it the opposite, we are living in the present and keeping you and your memory with us in the now. Remember the quote I put on your book.. "Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." No way in the world am I leaving you behind! You touched our lives too much, and we love you too much to not honor you and the sweet memories you left us with to just let it all be. I want the world to know that this mommy loves her angel girl more than anything and my goal is to never let your memory die.

I was reading something on grief, and it was saying something to the effect that moving on does not mean letting go. Even then I don't like to say moving on, because we're not, we are moving FORWARD, with you along as we meet each new day. Celebrating birthdays, angelversaries....are important times that include a lot of healing for me and hopefully for others who join us... I know we're not the only one who loved you so much and grieve at your loss, so it's nice to be gathered together and talk about you as we all cry, laugh and heal together. No one should be forgotten on their special day EVEN when they're not here... I actually think it's even more important when they're not here, because we need to talk about them even more to keep their memories alive. It will always always just be who I am with the goal to have you be remembered! Especially within our own little family. Faith will never forget you, Spencer and any other future kids will feel like they know you because of how much you are included in our daily lives. You are one incredibly loved girl, I hope you feel it! I hope you saw and felt how much love went into this little party for you, and the love that everyone brought.

I think about you turning 5 today, and memory is just frozen in time of being 21 months old, I keep thinking of the things you would be doing but they all include what an almost 2 year old would do.... I know one thing for sure though, you would be having the time of your life playing with your sister and brother who love you so very much. The image of you three playing together has been going through my mind a lot, and I would give anything to see that for real.... my three angels together, playing happily with each other. Faith is so good to her little brother, I can tell that you have for sure left a sweet impression on that girl, she has a soft spot for little kids and is so good playing with them. It's her honoring you, Mikkie... being super kind to little kids, as I know she's thinking of you, her sweet sister whom she loved to play with and have as her constant sidekick.

At the end of the day, after everyone left, it's almost as if your presence had left too, because the tears came pouring as I looked around at the party aftermath and your sweet little picture in your high chair..... the thoughts came once again... "it's just not fair, to be sitting here at the end of your special day crying and holding your picture, where I should be laughing and holding your little body in my arms so tight. I shouldn't have to be at the cemetery visiting my daughter on her birthday, we should be excitedly getting ready together and primping her up like a princess." Only normal thoughts of grieving mother who loves her angel so much it hurts, literally, and wants nothing more than just to hold her baby just one more time... just once.

I love you birthday girl, thanks for coming to our family 5 beautiful years ago. It was one of the brightest days in my life.

Love,

Mama

Grandma June

2013-09-26T17:34:00.003-06:00

Sweet girl,

The family reunion is just getting bigger up there isn't it? Like I've told many already.... I'm kinda jealous a bit. :)

Last week was interesting for sure. Last Sunday I went to church, then meeting after and right after that I got a text from my sister saying that sweet Grandma June was passing away. My heart sank. I had just seen her a week ago. We jumped in the car to drive down to the hospital, unfortunately missing our opportunity to say our last goodbye's. Just like that, in a split second she slipped away from this life, leaving her husband of 60 years, 9 children, 38 grandchildren and many great grandchildren.

We had just celebrated their 60th anniversary with them a couple months ago, I'm so glad they got to celebrate that. I absolutely adore my grandparents and the way they treat each other. No one knows true love like the elderly that's for sure. The respect and gentleness my Grandpa Dean showed his sweet wife, so endearing and tender..... and it didn't stop at the hospital. He didn't leave her side. I looked at my grandpa with great respect and admiration as I watched him through blurry teary eyes as he non- stop stroked my grandma's hair; it was very clear to all just how much he adores his wife. Not much more inspires and deeply touches me to the core than a moment like this.

I'm so glad that you got to meet your Grandma June. Several times. I'm so grateful that we made it a point to visit them regularly. I absolutely cherish the pictures and videos and memories I got from those visits.

It was a hard thing to walk into that hospital room, seeing her lifeless body on the bed. Unwanted flashbacks of 3 years prior came to my mind as I remember anxiously walking into your room with the naive hope that you would survive. I had gotten to see my Grandma sooner than I did you, so she was still fairly warm, but the minute I touched my hand to her face, it's like I was shocked as I yanked my hand away and went to daddy's arms to cry, trying fiercely to push those memories into the back of my mind where it's been safely locked away. I replaced them with images of her giving you a huge hug and big huge kisses with lipstick left behind. Telling you how very much your mommy loves you and misses you.
I can imagine the great rejoicing of being reunited with family who's passed on before, including you, tears of joy and gratitude. I also imagine at least a little bit of sadness still? For those whom you have left here. I wonder, when my grandma hurried to give her baby boy the biggest hug, or when she went straight into her mother's loving arms..... did it make you cry at all wishing that was you and I? Because it sure does that for me. These arms are always aching to hold you again, sweet girl.

The funeral was beautiful, and once again it was like being at your funeral all over again, I tried to compose myself as best as I could. I grieve double these days.... little did people know that I was crying over you again as well as my Grandma. It hurts, so why do I put myself through such pain? It is hard, yes... but I know I can do hard things. I've already gone through the hardest thing, so I can do anything. And I would regret if I didn't attend important moments like these, moments you can't get back, so I force myself to be strong and pray for angels to strengthen me as I try to comfort and be there for others.

I want to share a few things that I love about my Grandma:

Whenever we would visit her while I was younger, she would give me a brush to play with her hair. She loved to have it brushed (didn't matter if it was pulled hard) and I loved to play with hair! I also love to have people play with my hair, I must've got that from her :)
She was ALWAYS happy to see everyone! I always felt important.
Famous Lipstick kisses. She would grab our cheeks and give us all a big kiss on the cheek, leaving a lipstick mark :)
Always giving us compliments- "Isn't he just a doll!" or "You're such an angel!" etc
Always talking about her family, and how many grandchildren to keep track of- "so many blessings to count" she would say :)
She would go hiking with us while I was younger, for many years.
She LOVED to sing. She was almost always singing. At family get-togethers she had everyone gather around the piano to sing. (it was usually at Christmas party. it was great fun!) She was a part of the Jay Welch choir for so many years. Beautiful voice. She was even singing and smiling on her death bed.
She loved to hear us sing and play the piano anytime we came over. She thoroughly enjoyed hearing us perform.
I don't think I ever saw her have a bad day. She was a very happy person, always so kind to others, positive and upbeat; it was so refreshing to be around her.
Gardening was another thing she was great at. Both her and Grandpa Dean. They had an amazing garden, and I used to go back and help when I was younger. She was always always making a fresh, healthy salad from all her garden veggies. Very healthy eater. I am pretty sure I have her to thank for my love for a big huge salad piled high with veggies.
Loved visitors. We could tell every time we went to visit, her face lit up showing how thrilled she was to see us.
I had some funny moments with her too. When I was around 11ish, my dad had taken me to their house and I had been having a tooth ache. Grandma went straight to the cupboard and fridge, and before I knew it, she was pouring heaps of cayenne pepper and carrot juice into my mouth, saying, "here, this will help!" Wow, it helped... the heat of cayenne pepper and nasty combination with carrot juice completely took my mind off my tooth pain. I immediately threw it all up. to this day, I can't stand carrot juice. I have a good laugh now every time I think of it.

Here's her obituary:

March 7, 1935 ~ Sept. 15, 2013
Margaret June Wood Jessee, our beloved wife, mother, grandmother, friend, passed away peacefully September 15, 2013 at the IMC Hospital in Murray, Utah, surrounded by her family after suffering the gradual decline of Alzheimer's climaxed by a brief bout with pneumonia. She was born at Grand Junction, Colorado on March 7, 1935, the oldest of seven children born to Oral Edwin Wood and Winona Darlene Daley Wood. She attended schools in Englewood, Colorado, Spanish Fork, Mapleton, and Springville, Utah, and also Ft. St. James, British Columbia, Canada where her family lived for several years. Shortly after graduating from Springville High School, she was sealed to Dean C. Jessee in the Salt Lake Temple. Together they have been blessed with nine children.
June enjoyed her callings in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, having served in several ward and stake music positions, Sunday school teacher, and as Relief Society president. But her paramount contribution to humanity is reflected in the lives of her family. She taught them by precept and example the values of love and service. All who knew her loved her. June entered and left this world with a song in her heart. She loved music and willingly shared her talent as a singer in a wide range of church and civic settings. She sang with the Jay Welch Chorale during the entire twenty years of its existence and continued to sing with other choral groups afterward including the Utah Choral Artists under Brady Allred.
She loved people especially little children and found friends wherever she went. She enjoyed her association with her husband's colleagues in the Joseph Smith Papers project and the Mormon History Association.
She was preceded in death by her baby son, Douglas; a great-granddaughter, Mikayla; her parents; a baby sister, Lois Marlene; and a brother, Kelly.
She is survived by her husband, Dean; her children, Lyle (Tina), David (Rose), Jeanine Ballard (Ron), Ron (Barbara), Teresa Cruz (Rob), Gordon (Sharon), Merrill (Sherrie) and Jonathan (Tamra); her siblings, Blaine (Carolyn), Nina Payne (Richard), Dennis (Karma), and Brent (Joanne); 38 grandchildren; and 37 great-grandchildren-all of whom June loved dearly.
A viewing will be held at the Jenkins-Soffe Mortuary, 4760 South State, Murray, on Wed. Sept. 18th from 6 to 8 p.m. Funeral Services will be Thurs., Sept. 19th at 11 a.m. with a viewing from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. prior to the service at Twin Peaks Ward, 5235 South Wesley Road, Murray. Interment: Elysian Burial Gardens.
The family expresses sincere gratitude to the doctors and staff at the IMC hospital in Murray for their loving care and also to the staff at the Jenkins-Soffe Mortuary.
In lieu of flowers please donate in her name to the LDS Church missionary fund. Online condolences may be shared at www.jenkins-soffe.com

SO much to love about Grandma June. I love her so dearly and am anxious to join the family reunion up there in at least 40 more years :)

Love dearly,

Mama

Day of Forgiveness 2013

2013-08-15T11:46:00.002-06:00

Dearest Mikkie,

We once again observed the Day of Forgiveness in your honor. I love this tradition and love how it helps make such a painful day a more bearable one, to focus on something positive and carrying it out with so many loved ones.

I tell you, daddy and I are astounded by the amounts of love and support from so many, near and far, in person and in spirit. I'm continually inspired to see just how much people really care. It truly means so much to us when others get involved no matter how big or small it may seem. An email, a note, a text, a phone call, pictures, acts of kindness, gifts and service, and helping the memory of our sweet angel live on.

"Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten". I was reminded of this quote and it has stuck, it's exactly how I feel. You will never get left behind OR forgotten, especially by me. Never. I think it's extremely important to get together every year with loved ones and keep your memories fresh in our minds and honor the legacy you've left behind. I don't know if many people do that or not; some people prefer to be alone, some don't talk about the deceased at all, but personally one of the most important things to me is keeping your memory alive and making a difference, turning something tragic into something inspiring and uplifting. If any angel can touch others hearts so tenderly and inspire them, you are most certainly one of them! I want to help you in any way I can with that. You have touched my heart the greatest.

Here's some inspiring pictures I've been sent of others being involved in honoring your memory! You are so very loved by so many.

And here's a glimpse into our special memorial for you that night:

Love you so very much,

Mama

3 Year Angelversary

2013-08-15T11:02:00.000-06:00

Sweet Angel of mine,

Three years, can you believe it? Like I've told people already, it doesn't get any easier.

Towards the end of July, things get a little harder and the anxiety and emotions build up in me. It's not that I don't feel peace and comfort, I do, my emotions happen anyways and the tears flow freely without warning.

I try to keep myself busy, my mind occupied. I've noticed though on your Angelversary, I need to take it slow and not have so much to do. That's what half the day was like, but as I was rushing to get things ready and get dinner before the Memorial at your resting place, I felt anxious and irritated. Irritated with myself that I didn't start earlier so I could take my time and relax. As soon as I got to the cemetery though I allowed myself to breathe for a few minutes before people showed up. Taking time to just 'be still' is important. Clearing your mind of any negativity, rear your focus back to the present and what's important.

Daddy stayed home for the first half of the day, which was nice. Faith came up to me with a sad face and asked to watch Mikkie's movies. :) First we watched the slideshow with your song, having a most tender moment as Faith and I hugged each other and shed many tears. She loves watching your home videos, so many precious and fun memories.

It was crazy how the tears just kept coming that whole morning and the night prior. By mid afternoon I was so emotionally exhausted. I thought for sure I was out of tears, then someone would call and send a message and drop by to give us something, and the tears flooded back up.

I wasn't sure what to feel or expect about the whole day and the memorial at the cemetery. But after I had gotten there and took a few minutes to compose myself, I realized that it's not a bad thing to smile and be happy. I don't have to be crying every minute of the day and at every sweet, tender thing I hear or see.... if it brings tears to my eyes, then I let myself cry freely; if tears don't come but I feel this immense gratitude and joy, then I let myself soak it in and let myself be happy. You want us to be happy.

I felt like the whole night was just sweet and tender, full of tears, memories, laughs, smiles, heart-warming thoughts and incredible supportive family and friends (with us in person and spirit).
There was no doubt that you were there with us, sweet girl. Listening to people talk about their memories and things they've learned from you greatly touched me. Their tears brought tears of my own. It warms my heart to see people remembering you and that they have such fond memories of you. You are indeed a very special girl. It was especially sweet to see the little ones playing around and the babies gathering around your headstone, and hearing some of their memories of you... that's so precious to me to see your cousins remember you. It was great weather, and the sun was just shining a brilliant red-orange color, it was amazing. I wish my camera could've captured its full brilliance. Bright and vibrant, just like my little Mikkie :) That's what you were and are in my life, and always will be.

As I drove home after, I felt an inexplicable feeling of a sweet presence near, and a huge feeling of peace and happiness washed over me. My heart was full of gratitude. Oh Mikkie, I couldn't see you but I sure felt you, and I loved the conversation I had with you. :)

I love you always and forever,

Mama

How to forgive

2013-08-13T13:01:00.001-06:00

We're told a lot to forgive and know that it's good for our health, and it's just all around an important thing to do. As I was talking with some people recently and thinking about it more myself, I realized me, including others want to know how to forgive. It's easy to tell everyone including yourself that we need to forgive but how to get it done? Like really forgive.. having our hearts full of Christ-like love towards others, especially those who have wronged us no matter the extent. The kind of forgiveness like Chris Williams, and so many others who soften their hearts and allow the love of Christ to work through them, healing not only themselves but the person needing forgiveness.

I'm convinced that forgiveness and love create miracles, they are very powerful. Imagine if the world was full of a lot more of this instead of revenge, grudges, judging.... unconditional love is the answer.

Learning how to forgive does not come naturally to us. In fact, forgiveness runs counter to our human nature and our desire for revenge. We want justice. Sadly, we don't trust God with that. We need more than just our own strength.

Reading around, some things specifically stood out and inspired me as far as how to forgive.

Understanding our worth.
We are all wounded. We are all inadequate. On our best days, our self-esteem hovers somewhere between feeble and fragile. All it takes is disapproval—or perceived disapproval—to send us staggering. These attacks bother us because we forget who we really are.

As believers, you and I are forgiven children of God. We have been lovingly adopted into his royal family as his sons and daughters. Our true worth comes from our relationship to him, not from our appearance, our performance or our net worth. When we remember that truth, criticism bounces off us like BBs ricocheting off a rhino. The trouble is that we forget.

We seek others' approval. When they reject us instead, it hurts. By taking our eyes off God and his acceptance and putting them on the conditional acceptance of our boss, spouse, or friend, we set ourselves up to be hurt. We forget that other people are incapable of unconditional love.

Understanding others.
Sometimes our critics have ulterior motives. An old proverb from India goes, "Some men try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others." They try to make themselves feel better by making others feel bad. You have probably had the experience of being put down by a nasty remark. When that happens, it is easy to forget that others are broken just like us.

Jesus understood the brokenness of the human condition. No one knows the human heart like Him. He forgave tax collectors and prostitutes, and forgave his best friend Peter, for betraying him. On the cross, he even forgave the people who killed him. He knows that humans—all humans—are weak.
For us, though, it usually doesn't help to know that those who have hurt us are weak. All we know is that we were injured and we can't seem to get over it. Nevertheless, if we want to be forgiven, we need to forgive.

Understanding God's role.
When we have been hurt, our instinct is to hurt back. We want to make the other person pay for what they did. But exacting revenge steps over the line into God's territory.
Ever heard of the saying, "Let go and let God"? We need to let it go, like Chris Williams stated, and leave it to God to take care of. Trust that He knows our hurt and how to make things right.

How can we let it go when we have been unjustly hurt?
Rolling our burdens onto the Lord—that's the secret of life, and the secret of how to forgive. Trusting God. Depending on him instead of ourselves. It's a hard thing but not a complicated thing. It's the only way we can truly forgive.

I can remember the day my Mikayla died and the raw, unbearable pain I felt. I could barely do anything but just try to survive. I had no strength of my own, I had no will to move on. Then, all of that turned into anger and I was furious! Turning the blame from myself to God.
God, how could let this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this!? I don't understand, why would you take my sweet, innocent baby girl away from me so early? Don't you understand how much I love her, and how much this hurts? WHY?

I cried and cried and sobbed and just wanted this all to end. I needed someone to blame, didn't I? My little girl has been ripped away from me and I need justice, right?
Wrong. I fought these feelings for a while, it didn't happen just overnight. But overtime I felt my heart softening as I was putting my burdens, sorrows and broken heart on Christ. I turned them over to Him and He has helped heal me more than I ever could on my own.

Some other thoughts that I liked:

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
Wow, that's powerful!

"At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage. Then I realized: unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.

No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.
After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions."

So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?

I remember them as a child and it’s much easier! -Joy Thompson
I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. -Sarah Clark
I just acknowledge that we are humans, so we are allowed to make mistakes. -Haydee Lizbeth Lopez Cruz
Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are forgiving. -Justin Hayden
Do not keep thinking of the past or the bad thing that happened; when you let go of it, you get over the anger/bitterness that you felt and it clears the path of forgiveness! The best thing is time! -Ashna Singh
Remember that we are all doing the best we can at the time. -Diane Paul
Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it was your turn for a mistake! – Carol Mcbride-Safford
Wayne Dwyer describes how hate is love which has been turned around. Seeing the expression of what can’t be forgiven as love makes it easier to forgive. Were also all doing the best we can, according to our own evolutionary state, including those we find hard to forgive. – Lise Heeley
Because it takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. It brings peace to your life. -Linda Adams
I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind. Don’t do it for them, do it for you! -Cathryn Kent
You remember why you love them. Love is about forgiveness.- Holly Chapman
Forgiveness comes easier with the passing of time. I tend to find that, if I am wronged, I forgive the person before they forgive themselves, and when I am in need of forgiveness, it is I who feels the guilt for longer. -Mandy Richardson
Stop thinking and just do it. Open your heart and forgive. -Lindsey Windrow
Don’t force it. If I don’t feel forgiving, I can at least not act on my anger. Eventually forgiveness will come if you welcome it. -Julie Trottier
Just learn to smile and let things go. -Sudharma Lama
Give up on all hope of a better past. -Matt Child
Every time you think of them send them love. After a while it gets easy. -Crystal Chang
Meditate, meditate and meditate some more until it’s gone! -Margot Knight-Guijt
The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy. -Pamela Picard
Two different approaches. One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present. -Chris Campa
Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. -Kim Kings
Shift the focus, feel the pain and think of the thousands of others in the world who are also feeling the same pain, then send a loving-kindness message to everyone to be relieved of this suffering. -Nick Ong
When it happens I often ask myself “What strengths must I develop further from this?” Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn’t focusing on the person that wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me. -Natassia Callista Alicia
I allow myself to feel again whatever I didn’t express “in the moment” when I was with them. Forgiveness always seem to follow those (usually) difficult emotions. -Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt
Write a brutally honest, emotionally raw letter telling them how much they have hurt and angered you, then tear it up and burn it. As you watch the smoke rise, think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. It is fleeting, just like everything else. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go. -Renate Wuersig
For some wrongs, I just have to remember that they are responsible for their actions and then it is easier for me to just let it be. -Karen Garland
By remembering that it will free me from the burden of the stress I feel, also, if I can’t forgive then how can I expect to ever be forgiven? -Leslie Brown
Just look to the future instead of focusing on what’s past…think of creating new good memories to wipe away old bad ones. -Elizabeth Lindsay
It becomes easy when you remember a time when you were forgiven, centering on how it made you feel. -Louisya Graves
Understand this: whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold on to something that’s going to go away anyway? -Nirav KAKU

How did I forgive when it was hard? I came to this realization: no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.

This REALLY helped me to read. I hope this helped more than just me. There is power in understanding people and there is power in forgiving and loving. These are really great thoughts from others.
Now I have to ask, how do YOU find a way to forgive? What helps you? I'd really love to hear.

Importance of Forgiveness

2013-08-13T10:57:00.000-06:00

Dearest Mikayla,

Here we are again, coming up on August 14th. I'm grateful to have turned the awful day into something that will hopefully inspire many. I love having something to do in your honor, in your memory.. and plus it helps us to be better people. It's just a good idea all around.

My mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts on the subject of forgiveness. I've been seeing how just within my own marriage how important.... hard, but important, it is to forgive. No matter what. Period. It does not matter what they say or do, we always have the choice to act or react. React with anger and revenge or Act with forgiveness.

A certain story keeps coming up in my mind, an experience that is awe-inspiring. One that brings great peace to my heart as I think of the hope this world has with people who can forgive like this. This story of Chris Williams, who lost half of his family in a car accident, is such an experience. The spirit felt while listening to his story is undeniable, there is no doubt that Christ is working through him.

What I was witnessing was absolutely unreal. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned my head forward and closed my eyes. I was ready for death. I tried to will myself to pass out; I wanted to succumb to the process of having my spirit leave my body. From deep inside my body came a sound of excruciating anguish and pain, of body and spirit being crushed.

It was more profound than just feeling helpless or powerless or feeling physical pain. As I struggled to make it stop, I opened my eyes and turned to look out the driver’s side window. I saw the car that had just hit us resting upside down on its roof about 50 feet from my car. Suddenly an immense peace and silence filled the inside of the vehicle, my soul, and my thoughts.

"I had no idea who had just hit us, and my mind didn’t think to consider if they were all right or not or what circumstances might have caused them to cross the median and strike us. I simply looked at the car in silence. My thoughts went quiet, I felt at peace, and then I heard a voice that was not my own in my mind as clearly as if it had come from someone seated next to me. It wasn’t a peaceful, whispered voice, nor was it the still, small prompting of the Spirit; it was straightforward and filled with power, and the voice said, “Let it go!”

As I lay on that gurney I could feel the love the Savior had for that teenage boy. It was a soul-transforming and refining experience.

I felt no anger, no desire for retribution or justice, no questioning as to why this had happened; just an earnest desire to say the things the Savior would say, extending the same tokens of mercy and love that He always extends.

Immediately I knew what I had to say, and it wasn’t anything that I had prepared. It was a short and simple expression of what the Savior wanted me to say:

This truly is a bitter cup that my family has been asked to partake of, but with such a miraculous outpouring of love and prayer from the community, I know that it will all be all right one day.

On behalf of my sweet wife, our children, and my extended family, we would invite you if you are in a position to extend a single act of kindness, a token of mercy, or an expression of forgiveness. Would you do it by Valentine’s Day and then, if you feel to do so, write that experience down and share it with my two surviving boys by sending it to the address that the radio and TV outlets will provide. I can think of no greater valentine that you could give to someone, or that my sons and I could present to my sweetheart, than that.

May God bless every individual one of you for your goodness. Thank you.

When I made the initial request at the press conference, I had no idea of the responses that simple challenge would create. I received thousands of letters and e-mails from all over the world describing acts of kindness, mercy, and charity that were offered. Hundreds contained this line of reasoning: “If you can forgive someone for doing that to your family, certainly I can forgive,” and then they would describe to me what they were newly committed to letting go of.

“If there is anything you have seen me do, or heard me say, or have read about me regarding forgiveness, you should know that it was merely the Savior working through me.”

"If my prayers weren’t being answered in the way I expected, they would be answered in a much better way, and it would be worth the wait."

What burden could you lay at the Lord’s feet, today, that He might be allowed to work miracles in your life?

Redo

2013-08-08T20:24:00.002-06:00

Hello my sweet girl,

I've been writing to you, just haven't 'sent' them yet. When I sit on my letters too long and revise them too much, I get distracted in the meantime and have a harder time getting back into it.

I've also been busy redesigning your blog. Do you like it? I have something in mind a little more personalized I wanna do in the near future but for now I thought it was cute.

Why am I spending so much time on it? August started last week, and I didn't even have to look at a calendar to know that, my spirit and emotions told me. I keep myself involved in something or a few things... I usually become more busy this month to help keep my mind occupied. I chose to update your blog and organize things. It's a lot more time consuming than it sounds.

I finally planned your Angelversary, are you proud of me!? A week before, that's not too bad. right.... I wish it wasn't so hard for me to plan, I always want to do something special for you. My ideas and thoughts always feel like they fall short of the greatness this day deserves.

I've been having so many mixed emotions. In some ways I'm coping better, but also feel like I'm still falling apart at times. As I was redoing this blog, I was going through older posts and some of the comments... it brought me right back to that time and tears involuntarily streamed down my face. So many sweet and comforting thoughts/comments shared. People are good, you know that? I've been blessed to see that more these past few years. More opportunities for people's goodness and kindness to really shine.

I'll be back soon, my angel. I promise.

Love,

Mama

Missing you

2013-06-14T00:05:00.001-06:00

Dearest Mikkie,

I just want to tell you my heart is so heavy and aching right now and The hole in my heart is in pain again. I'm missing you terribly. Something just hit me as I was getting ready for bed and I couldn't contain the tears.

Maybe it's the fact that Spencer especially reminded me so much of you today.

Maybe it's because Faiths friend is the same age as you and is without a friend.

Maybe it's because tomorrow is the 14th.

Maybe it's because I'm scared maybe I'm starting to forget.

Maybe all of it combined has caused this bubble of emotion to rise up in me and the only sensible way to deal with it is to go with it and let myself truly feel it.

My spirit obviously needs to feel it, and I'm ok with it. I'm not afraid of the pain.

I love you so much. That phrase doesn't even seem adequate for the amount of love I have for you nor the amount for how much and how deeply I miss my little girl.

I can't see the screen anymore... I love you, be with me tonight sweet angel.

Love always,

Mama

Race

2013-05-21T16:48:00.001-06:00

Hello again :)

That 5k we went to on Saturday was a sweet experience. At the beginning, the lady who started this (also a mommy of an angel baby) released some white doves. It was a beautiful sight, and chills ran up my arms.
I was so touched when I saw the book that the race is based on, "Running with the Angels" with a mom running and 2 little angel kids behind her. So sweet. That's exactly what I felt at that race- it was an unmistakable feeling that there angels there with us. As we were all walking up to the starting line and the race began that's when I felt that feeling that overwhelmed me to tears involuntarily.

Later in the race when your little brother was freezing from the quickly pouring rain that drenched both him and his blanket, a lady came up behind me and gave me a poncho to put over the stroller. Yes, I should've come more prepared and looked ahead at the weather, but I'm completely grateful to this lady, an earthly angel to me. What a life saver. I didn't see her after to give her poncho back but hopefully she felt my genuine heartfelt gratitude.

This is definitely going to be a new tradition every year!

Love,

Mama

Don't give up

2013-05-21T16:28:00.000-06:00

Sweet Mikayla,

Much has been weighing on my mind lately, but I'll talk about one at a time. Right now what I want to focus on, and that keeps coming to my mind is about not giving up.

A dear friend lost someone to suicide 2 weeks ago and Daddy and I were crushed for them, we felt their pain as if it were our own.. it was a tough day. We don't even know them personally but could feel the heartache and longing and sorrow of the family.

Losing a child is undoubtedly amongst the hardest things to face, I'm not undermining my own pain and grief at all, but losing a child to suicide is just....just, no words for it. Lots of us lose our children in a horrific, traumatic accident-- accident, where we know that there's most likely nothing we could have done to stop it but still we drive ourselves mad counting the ways where maybe we 'could have'. Then there's those like these people, whose child takes their own life- no accident, this was on purpose. How do you deal with that?

I'm not sure what was going through this sweet girl's mind, and I'm definitely not to judge at all about any of it; but I wish she could've seen hope, I wish she focused on those that matter, who love her- most of all God, and how He doesn't want any of us to give up, but to lean on Him, reach up and He will reach down, ask Him to carry you because you can't possibly find the will to move on right now and He will. He will because He loves you so very much. No one loves us more than He and I've felt it countless times.

As I was listening to Josh Groban's song, "Don't Give Up", I thought about how this completely applies to God speaking to us... and totally gave me the chills and brought tears to my eyes as I watched the slideshow I found:

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

When you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
- Thomas Jefferson

I wish to everyone out there that they could know, that when life seems just too unbearable and you would do anything to end the pain, to Hang on! Don't give up! Know that you DO matter, to many people but most importantly to God. You are his most precious treasure. Turn to Him, Lean on Him, TRUST in Him, have hope!

He has been there to lift the weight off my heavy heart, He has found me when I've been lost, He's been the shining light to guide me out of the darkness, He has been there to hear my cries, to listen to my pleas and has been there to envelop me in His loving arms, blessing me with comforting peace. He IS there, He IS real, He DOES love you!

I love you so much sweet girl. I know that when I cry and beg to God for help that He sends you to help. Thanks for helping me to not give up.

Love,

Mama

Happy People

2013-04-03T12:19:00.001-06:00

Dearest Mikkie,

A friend had posted this article about happiness, called "22 things happy people do differently" and I thought I'd share it because I liked it so much. I linked the title to the original post.

22 Things Happy People do Differently

There are two types of people in the world: those who choose to be happy, and those who choose to be unhappy. Contrary to popular belief, happiness doesn’t come from fame, fortune, other people, or material possessions. Rather, it comes from within. The richest person in the world could be miserable while a homeless person could be right outside, smiling and content with their life. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves.

The question is: how do they do that?

It’s quite simple. Happy people have good habits that enhance their lives. They do things differently. Ask any happy person, and they will tell you that they …

1. Don’t hold grudges.

Happy people understand that it’s better to forgive and forget than to let their negative feelings crowd out their positive feelings. Holding a grudge has a lot of detrimental effects on your wellbeing, including increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Why let anyone who has wronged you have power over you? If you let go of all your grudges, you’ll gain a clear conscience and enough energy to enjoy the good things in life.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.

Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that being kind makes you happier? Every time you perform a selfless act, your brain produces serotonin, a hormone that eases tension and lifts your spirits. Not only that, but treating people with love, dignity, and respect also allows you to build stronger relationships.

3. See problems as challenges.

The word “problem” is never part of a happy person’s vocabulary. A problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge.

4. Express gratitude for what they already have.

There’s a popular saying that goes something like this: “The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.” You will have a deeper sense of contentment if you count your blessings instead of yearning for what you don’t have.

5. Dream big.

People who get into the habit of dreaming big are more likely to accomplish their goals than those who don’t. If you dare to dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Happy people ask themselves, “Will this problem matter a year from now?” They understand that life’s too short to get worked up over trivial situations. Letting things roll off your back will definitely put you at ease to enjoy the more important things in life.

7. Speak well of others.

Being nice feels better than being mean. As fun as gossiping is, it usually leaves you feeling guilty and resentful. Saying nice things about other people encourages you to think positive, non-judgmental thoughts.

8. Never make excuses.

Benjamin Franklin once said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Happy people don’t make excuses or blame others for their own failures in life. Instead, they own up to their mistakes and, by doing so, they proactively try to change for the better.

9. Get absorbed into the present.

Happy people don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. They savor the present. They let themselves get immersed in whatever they’re doing at the moment. Stop and smell the roses.

10. Wake up at the same time every morning.

Have you noticed that a lot of successful people tend to be early risers? Waking up at the same time every morning stabilizes your circadian rhythm, increases productivity, and puts you in a calm and centered state.

11. Avoid social comparison.

Everyone works at his own pace, so why compare yourself to others? If you think you’re better than someone else, you gain an unhealthy sense of superiority. If you think someone else is better than you, you end up feeling bad about yourself. You’ll be happier if you focus on your own progress and praise others on theirs.

12. Choose friends wisely.

Misery loves company. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with optimistic people who will encourage you to achieve your goals. The more positive energy you have around you, the better you will feel about yourself.

13. Never seek approval from others.

Happy people don’t care what others think of them. They follow their own hearts without letting naysayers discourage them. They understand that it’s impossible to please everyone. Listen to what people have to say, but never seek anyone’s approval but your own. {I would add to this... seek GOD'S approval, it's the only opinion that matters- that is what will make you truly happy.}

14. Take the time to listen.

Talk less; listen more. Listening keeps your mind open to others’ wisdoms and outlooks on the world. The more intensely you listen, the quieter your mind gets, and the more content you feel.

15. Nurture social relationships.

A lonely person is a miserable person. Happy people understand how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships. Always take the time to see and talk to your family, friends, or significant other.

16. Meditate.

Meditating silences your mind and helps you find inner peace. You don’t have to be a zen master to pull it off. Happy people know how to silence their minds anywhere and anytime they need to calm their nerves. {Of course I would add to this.... Prayer. Prayer and meditation are both necessary not just one or the other.}

17. Eat well.

Junk food makes you sluggish, and it’s difficult to be happy when you’re in that kind of state. Everything you eat directly affects your body’s ability to produce hormones, which will dictate your moods, energy, and mental focus. Be sure to eat foods that will keep your mind and body in good shape.

18. Exercise.

Studies have shown that exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft does. Exercising also boosts your self-esteem and gives you a higher sense of self-accomplishment.

19. Live minimally.

Happy people rarely keep clutter around the house because they know that extra belongings weigh them down and make them feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Some studies have concluded that Europeans are a lot happier than Americans are, which is interesting because they live in smaller homes, drive simpler cars, and own fewer items.

20. Tell the truth.

Lying stresses you out, corrodes your self-esteem, and makes you unlikeable. The truth will set you free. Being honest improves your mental health and builds others’ trust in you. Always be truthful, and never apologize for it.

21. Establish personal control.

Happy people have the ability to choose their own destinies. They don’t let others tell them how they should live their lives. Being in complete control of one’s own life brings positive feelings and a great sense of self-worth.

22. Accept what cannot be changed.

Once you accept the fact that life is not fair, you’ll be more at peace with yourself. Instead of obsessing over how unfair life is, just focus on what you can control and change it for the better.

I love and agree with the points made in this. I can definitely attest to taking control of yourself and realizing that you can't change others and can only change yourself brings happiness and peace.

Love,

Mama

He lives!

2013-04-03T12:09:00.001-06:00

Hi my sweet Mikkie,

This past Easter weekend was a beautiful one. I love Easter for many reasons. I love the symbolism of celebrating the Resurrection of Christ in the Spring season- a time of year where the world is being reborn, growing, blossoming, becoming anew. I love being able to focus on what my Savior has done for me personally. I love being reminded that death is not the end, I WILL get to see Him again, and I WILL get to see you again. I don't think my mind can quite fathom how incredibly excited I will be for that day. Excited is a complete understatement... there are no words to adequately express my feelings. All I know is that I will dream of that day every single day of my life.

"And now, of the many testimonies which have been given of Him, this is the testimony, last of all which we give of Him, that He lives!"

I Know That My Redeemer Lives
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead.
He lives, my ever-living Head.

He lives to bless me with his love.
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed.
He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled Heart.
He lives all blessings to Impart.

He lives, my kind, wise heav'nly friend.
He lives and love me to the end
He lives, and while he lives, I'll sing.
He lives, my Prophet, my Priest and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.
He lives, and I shall conpuer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare.
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
"I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

I love you so very much sweet girl and my heart has been very heavy recently thinking of you. I miss you....

Love,

Mama

Seek happiness from the inside

2013-03-16T15:06:00.001-06:00

Dear Mikkie,

I said something almost exactly like this on my first post of happiness. If you want to always be happy, you cannot let it be determined by others or circumstances. Certainly does cause a roller coaster of emotions.

Happiness comes from within. It is a choice. Choose to be happy no matter what.
I choose to be happy.

Love,

Mama

Calling All Angels

2013-02-20T18:17:00.001-07:00

Dear sweet Mikayla,

It's been a bit more of a rough time recently, there are always bumps along the road.. Like I heard in church last week, "some choose to go downhill which is the easier way, if you really want an adventure, gi uphil....

One of my dear friends who knows of my troubles sent me a song yesterday that deeply touched my heart bringing me to sobbing. It's very beautiful, it's about someone who lost their child- which I can relate to, but the part in the song that brought me comfort at this time is talking about calling all angels for help to comfort her. That's what I do a lot! Angels both seen and unseen came to my aid.

Calling all angels

I need to feel something familiar something real.

Am I just dreaming

I close my eyes.

I feel you near and feel you inside.

Just to call your name and know that your still there.

Calling all angels.

I know God heard my prayers as I felt your angelic comfort come to my rescue.

I love you and miss you so very much. Thank you for comforting your mommy.

Love,

Mama

Calm in heart

2013-02-20T18:04:00.001-07:00

Hello sweet girl,

My SIL recently sent me this quote and it went right along with my last post....

"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I pray to feel peace everyday regardless of how others are or what the circumstances
are. We all have "that kind of day" but it is possible to feel peace. I'm working on it- sometimes when God blesses me with a feeling of peace, I have to remember to focus on positive, happy things or I start feeling anxious and overwhelmed all over again.

With love,

Mama

Happiness is a way of travel

2013-02-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

My dear Mikkie,

Here is the start of my goal and pursuit of being happy. I'm going to share with you all things happy, positive, inspiring and uplifting. Pictures, music, quotes, stories, videos etc...

Last week I started on the hunt of gathering all things happy along with daddy, we are going to make this our focus. "If you focus your time on the positive and happy you have little time to feel sad and negative." :)

So, to start off....

"Remember, happiness is a way of travel, not a destination!"

I love you sweet girl!

Love,

Mama