moved, permanently, to whiteveins.blogspot.com

go to whiteveins.blogspot.com !!!

2011-10-20T17:03:00.001+07:00

hi! if you are still reading/following this blog, i'd like to tell you that i'm no longer publishing here, i moved my blog to whiteveins.blogspot.com~

thank you!

moved, permanently, to whiteveins.blogspot.com~

2011-09-21T21:17:00.000+07:00

ahoy people, i moved my blog permanently to:

whiteveins.blogspot.com

there are already a few posts in there, enjoy!

moved, permanently, to whiteveins.blogspot.com

2011-09-20T15:16:00.000+07:00

i moved my blog permanently to:

whiteveins.blogspot.com

feel free to follow that one, thank you.

2011-09-15T02:19:00.004+07:00

i am crying now.

because i've written a long and beautiful review on matthew barney's drawing restraint 9 for this blog and then i made a mistake while trying to put pictures and i pressed ctrl-z and then blogger decided it was time to autosave.

it's gone.

i am crying because i know i haven't wrote anything as good as this review in a long time.

in a long long time.

i am really sad.

blogger doesn't know how much it means to me to write something i regard as good again.

i am really really upset about this.

i don't know.

i've been meaning to write a review on that movie for months.

maybe one day i'll do another attempt to review it, but it won't be the same.

2011-09-12T18:37:00.002+07:00

hmm i'm turning off my phone, going offline on yahoo messenger, staying in my room with the lights off, refusing to wake up before midday, and basically not talking to anyone.

i still tweet, though.

those who know me probably know what symptoms these are.

oops that probably means only myself who knows.

cowboy bebop quotes.

2011-09-01T15:31:00.003+07:00

i can't help it these are so good. click through the images for the source!

summer 2011 playlist.

2011-09-01T14:33:00.003+07:00

FUTUREWORLD / COM TRUISE

CLOSE / HACKMAN

BORN SLIPPY / UNDERWORLD

DESTINY / ZERO 7

PASS THIS ON / THE KNIFE

CRAVE YOU / FLIGHT FACILITIES

FISTFUL OF LOVE / ANTONY AND THE JOHNSONS

PLANKTON / ROCK N ROLL MAFIA

ALL OF THE LIGHTS / KANYE WEST

INTRODUCING PALACE PLAYERS / MEW

2011-08-31T21:13:00.002+07:00

the way i let people know me is like giving a jigsaw puzzle, a different piece to a different person.

maybe one day you could all gather around together and try to figure me out.

someone you put on a pedestal is always right.

2011-08-30T11:58:00.004+07:00

Les Amours Imaginaires. Imaginary Loves. What else could be an appropriate title for a movie about obsessions, which unfortunately, must be combined with rejections?

Notice the plural form used on obsessions and rejections. This movie focuses on Francis (Xavier Dolan) and Marie (Monia Chokri), two old friends, who happened to notice and fell for a certain guy, Nicolas (Niels Schneider), in a party. Francis is a romantic twenty-something, gay, James Dean, funny, a sweet little boy. Marie, on the other hand, is prissy, polished, vintage, Hepburn, a real woman. Both admitted Nicolas as “not my type”, and “well, he’s nice” when they first hung out with the intelligent, witty, and heartbreaking Adonis.

Jealousy is apparently a main issue here. In a movie emphasizing expressions and gestures through zoomed-in frames and slow motions, jealousy is obviously painted on either Francis or Marie’s faces when Nicolas was having any remote bit of fun with anyone who is not them. Fake smiles and fake laughter, which turned into a frown the moment nobody’s looking, were noticable in a lot of scenes. These bits of jealousy mounted up to a wrestle between Francis and Marie, among yellow leaves in the early autumn, with Fever Ray’s Keep the Streets Empty for Me playing in the background.

Loneliness is another theme brought in this feature. Both Francis and Marie had multiple sex partners, of which none were their lover. There was this stiffness, a coldness the main character gave towards their sex partners, it clearly wasn’t love. And, this is just my opinion but, whoever fucks the most is the loneliest.

Clearly Nicolas had lost his interest in them, probably when he realized that both of them had some feelings for him. It was obvious in the way he distanced himself from the two friends after the wrestling episode. Yet their obsessions continue. Phone calls, voice mails, and letters marked their empty hopes. No answer, no replies, so they waited.

It’s a movie about crushes, and about sexuality.

I’m not about to spoil the ending for anyone here. The five paragraphs written above are already enough topic to talk about all day, aren’t they? Or just the title, “Imaginary Loves”. I believe I even had written a short prose about it. How deep will you let someone occupy your thoughts? How much will your imagination coincide with the truth about someone’s feelings?

I think most of us had been there, being the obsessive one. Night and day we think about that particular someone, guessing what was he/she doing, waiting for their names to appear on the “online” list of your IM window, when he/she appear we spent hours to decide whether or not we should say hi to him/her. Not to mention the unreplied text messages, the wild guessings we had when he/she made eye contact, “he/she's checking me out”, “no he/she was just looking”. The shiver throughout your body when he/she made the littlest skin contact.

Obsession, I’ve personally been there, can make you do things you thought you’d never do, it can make you become someone you deeply dislike (in this movie, for instance, it’s the wrestling with your best friend part), it can make you push a lot of things away from your life. You might disagree with me, but I think there are no examples where an obsession is a healthy thing, not in love, not in academics, not in career. There is a sane level of aspiration and hope, of course, but they could be easily distinguished from obsession.

There are two other things that strike as really interesting for me, besides the cinematography. First, the incorporation of interview clips with people retelling their experiences in much things. Stalking, the Kinsey Scale, getting over someone, long distance relationship, getting a love letter from someone you have no feelings whatsoever to, finding out that your crush’s sexual orientation isn’t towards your gender. I have no idea whether these people and these stories are real or not, but these clips certainly added more weight to the obsession, loneliness, and rejection theme. And they’re where the title of this blog post comes from. The second is of course the soundtrack. The songs are in a way both hip and classic. Who would thought The Knife and Bach could be put into the same movie?

I’ve written about Xavier Dolan here but it's hardly a movie review. I’m trying to do something more worth reading here. I know it’s far from perfect, but yeah. Also, I’m using capital letters correctly in this post! How cool is that?

anaïs nin

2011-08-27T15:30:00.003+07:00

"What can I do with my happiness? How can I keep it, conceal it, bury it where I may never lose it? I want to kneel as it falls over me like rain, gather it up with lace and silk, and press it over myself again."

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

"You are so terribly nimble, so clever. I distrust your cleverness. You make a wonderful pattern, everything is in its place, it looks convincingly clear, too clear. And meanwhile, where are you? Not on the clear surface of your ideas, but you have already sunk deeper, into darker regions, so that one only thinks one has been given all your thoughts, one only imagines you have emptied yourself in that clarity. But there are layers and layers — you’re bottomless, unfathomable. Your clearness is deceptive. You are the thinker who arouses most confusion in me, most doubt, most disturbance."

"Sex loses all its power and magic when it becomes explicit, mechanical, overdone, when it becomes a mechanistic obsession. It becomes a bore. You have taught us more than anyone I know how wrong it is not to mix it with emotion, hunger, desire, lust, whims, caprices, personalties, deeper relationships that change its color, flavor, rhythms, intensities."

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken."

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."

"If I have loved you, it is because we have shared the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage."

"You cannot see him as he really is, you cannot see anyone as he really is. he will always be disappointing because you are expecting someone."

"I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my idea of them."

"I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ."

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect."

"I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."

"When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with."

"When I hear of people who weary of each other, I believe it is because they have sought virtues in themselves alone, attractions of physical beauty. Have they based their love on each other’s thoughts? Who can weary of thoughts which change every day?"

i find anaïs nin's works as really quotable, although when i read her short story collection delta of venus, it just feels like cheap erotica.

truth be told, i am really really afraid.

2011-08-26T13:29:00.003+07:00

i am honestly scared to death at the prospect of having to open up to someone. it's been more then a year since i have a real relationship, many things have happened since then, and a lot of them are things i'm not proud of. stupid things, to be exact.

say, if i get close to someone ... if i'm starting to have a relationship again, would i have to lie? would i have to conceal the truth? would i have to explain things, which are more than petty bad experiences, from scratch? would whoever i'd be explaining these things to accept me?

well, for me, even considering to have a relationship and opening up again is quite a progress. and at least i'd know, if and/or when he (this is a totally hypothetical "he") accepts me, things are most definitely going to be good.

cool.

mermaid hair.

2011-08-24T11:16:00.002+07:00

think back to your most important relationship, is it your fault it’s over?

no. i never blame myself. i always think of a relationship as a combination between infatuation and compromise, and it's never wrong when any of the people in the relationship loses either the infatuation or the willing to compromise. it's natural.

is there someone you would probably punch in the face if you had the chance?

no.

do you think blondes are stupid, honestly?

no.

who are the last 4 people to send you a text?

my mom, gita, finda, ndha

what were you doing 12 AM last night?

sleeping

can you get over people easily?

depends.

have you ever regretted letting someone go?

no.

are you open about your feelings, or closed off?

depends on the necessity to open up. opening yourself up can be used as a tool to get other people open themselves up too.

would you go out in public looking like you do now?

haha i wish. i'm only wearing an oversized t-shirt and my panties.

where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

gedebage (flea market).

how was your weekend?

what weekend? i went to the lab at saturday and sunday morning. the rest was totally shitty.

did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?

i don't even remember.

how has this week been?

it's a mix of fun, annoyance, boredom, self-loathing, etc. the usual.

what is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

jasmine-flavored frestea, as always.

are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos and do you think you will get them?

i want a tattoo on my inner upper left arm. idk i don't have any plan to get it soon.

how did you wake up this morning?

hngg, it was hot. i thought it'd be already past midday but it was just 9 am.

what was the first thing you said when you woke up today?

i don't think i've said anything. except asking my mom the password for her laptop.

it’s 11am. what are you doing?

it's actually 11 am right now. i'm chatting on yahoo messenger, refreshing my tumblr dashboard and twitter timeline, and answering these questions because i don't know what to do. uh i'm also playing the sims social on facebook but my sim run out of energy so i have to wait.

have any feelings for anyone?

not anymore. i'm afraid to have feelings.

what does it mean when you bite your lip?

i'm trying to look cool and indifferent.

what are you thinking about?

what does indifferent mean. i just google-translated it.

do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water?

no. i'm a total mermaid.

did you feel awkward at all today?

no. i rarely feel awkward though.

do you think you actually know what stress is?

of fucking course.

what’s on your mind?

when will he IM me hahahahahah. lame. it's fun though.

are any of your friends taller than you?

yes.

do you ever think about the past?

rarely now. currently i'm having more fun daydreaming about possible futures where i'm extraordinarily rich and mean to everyone i dislike.

how old is the last person you texted?

22.

are you dating the last person you kissed?

fuck no.

if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

reykjavik.

who has hurt you the most?

do you expect me to mention a name here?

are there some songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of someone?

no. even if they remind me of someone, i won't be hurt anymore. nobody breaks my heart, bitch,

how long ago did you hug someone?

ugh a few days.

who was the last person you yelled at?

i don't yell. but sometimes i talk really loud.

did you have a good day yesterday?

pretty much. but not really, i'm on pms.

when was the last time you bought something?

yesterday i bought that jasmine-flavored tea. the love of my life.

have you ever told someone you love them?

hahahaha yes. to my latest exboyfriend, like, one and a half years ago. and to someone else when i was drunk.

do you play an instrument?

nope.

in the next 4 months, what are you looking forward to most?

idk. eid ul-fitr, so i can get a new t-shirt. and my birthday, i guess?

have you ever dated someone older than yourself?

yes.

does a kiss make you feel better when you’re angry?

no. i probably get angrier if someone tries to kiss me when i'm mad.

is your phone within a meter radius of you?

yes.

what are you wearing?

my woodstock oversized t-shirt and black panties.

was last new year’s enjoyable?

no. remind me to get drunk for the next one.

i’ll bet you miss someone right now?

you bet wrong, asshole.

are you high?

no.

what is your desktop picture?

various pictures of oceans.

be honest, do you have a boyfriend?

no no no no no, ha!

are you dating the last person you kissed? are you gonna kiss them again?

fuck no, and fuck no. what is it with surveys and 'the last person you kissed', omg.

has anyone ever asked you if you were bi-polar?

no. ew. why would anyone do that?

is the person you texted last single?

yes.

last time you were at the movies?

idk few weeks ago.

are things going well in your life right now?

yes! most of them, at least.

do you have any sisters?

one.

do you have any brothers?

one.

how many people like you?

a fucking lot, you have no idea. that is because i'm nice and pretty. ha.

have you ever kissed someone who’s name starts with the letter T?

yes.

if you had to be a pothead or an alcoholic which would you be?

alcoholic, i guess?

does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?

no.

would you rather have long or short hair?

mermaid hair.

who was the last male you talked to?

my brother.

do you think the last person you kissed has feelings for you?

no goddamnit NO.

how old will you be on your next birthday?

when’s that?

december 25th

are you anything like you were at this point last year?

no. i was really pathetic last year, i mean it.

what do you consider a waste of time?

relationship?

anything you’re giving up on?

no, nothing.

tribute to wim.

2011-08-20T09:45:00.003+07:00

daphne groeneveld and pascal greggory in hommage à wim by peter lindbergh for numéro september 2011

fangirling 2011.

2011-08-18T15:35:00.009+07:00

my past three days have been all about super junior. i've been playing only their songs non-stop, although i only have seven of them (only the singles) in my itunes. i've been downloading music videos, saving gifs, watching talkshows ... and i can't find any word more fitting to describe what i've been doing than ... fangirling.

aw. i was embarrassed about this at first but hey, it's not any different than me fangirling at backstreet boys ten years ago, right? right?

anyway, i've prepared some justification on my fangirlism. one, they're men, not boys. their age range from 23 to 28, it's not like i'm fangirling over a 16 years old celebrity. two, i've been always into earcatching pop songs. say, gaga (her the fame monster phase only though), rihanna, anyting timbaland-related (jt's second album, nelly furtado's loose), and sugababes (i love all of their albums except the first and the last one). three, lee donghae is so damn cute i want to kidnap him! uh. i even made some gifs of him. he's my favorite super junior member. ugh.

this is a phase. yeah. like my previous gaga phase, kings of leon phase, daft punk phase, coldplay phase, radiohead phase, maroon5 phase, klaxons phase, even armin van buuren phase. i've been known as easily bored with the things i listen to.

here, have pictures of donghae.

the first pic is from ellegirl korea, then the next two gifs i made them myself, the last two pictures link you to the source if you click them.

isn't he aesthetically pleasing or what?

there is just something about nuns ...

2011-08-16T03:10:00.004+07:00

magdalena frackowiak by aitken jolly for dansk magazine a/w 2011

i don't know what it is, but i love fashion editorial featuring sexy nuns. ;p

siblings.

2011-08-14T22:50:00.004+07:00

me, my sister, and my brother, circa january 2010, photographed by my uncle.

i love everything about myself in this photo, i mean my outfit etc. and my hair. haha.

i. hate. my. hair.

2011-08-12T22:18:00.004+07:00

it's a bit unusual for me to post any photo of myself, because i actually don't like being photographed. why do i hate my hair? sigh. the cut is currently weird because i used to have this blunt bob cut where the front is longer than the back, and now i'm growing my hair out and it's shapeless. i want to get it trimmed/layered but it's not as long as i want it to be yet. woah.

my hair trivia:

i go to the hair salon less than once a year
my hair used to be jet black when i was a kid, but since i started living in bandung it turned brownish

pointless trivia i know.

wes anderson's criterion collection cover artworks.

2011-08-11T05:51:00.004+07:00

all artwork by eric chase anderson.

blackout.

2011-08-10T01:25:00.004+07:00

sasha pivovarova

kinga rajzak

chloe memisevic

mariacarla boscono

freja beha erichsen

frida gustavsson

ruby aldridge

emily baker

my favorite models street style. of course all is in black.

lee price.

2011-08-09T07:04:00.005+07:00

boston cream

lisa in tub with chocolate cake

self portrait in tub with ice cream

lemon meringue

self portrait in tub with chinese food

strawberry swirl

cocoa puffs

all paintings (oil on linen) by lee price, click through the pictures for the image source.

patrick.

2011-08-07T21:00:00.005+07:00

patrick petitjean by marcelo krasilcic for 10 men magazine no. 15.

companionship emphasizes loneliness.

2011-08-06T22:15:00.005+07:00

there is an absence i can only feel when there is presence. a void, defined by the reality around its edges. something unnamed had escaped the watch of my senses, undetected by the delicate fingers of my thoughts.

there is a hole in me with nothing to touch, nothing to feel, nothing to tell me about it save for the shape of my own self lining it.

my writing sucks ass now. i used to be better.

linnea strid.

2011-08-06T00:36:00.003+07:00

solutions and decisions

a certain taste of life

cry you a river

the night and the rain

all paintings (oil on plywood) by linnea strid, click through the pictures for the image source.

alba noir.

2011-08-01T08:00:00.000+07:00

jonathan marquez, stephen thompson, daphne groeneveld, mariacarla boscono, natasha poly, pablo otero, iris strubegger, and saskia de brauw by mert & marcus for givenchy spring 2011 campaign.

probably my all time favorite ad campaign.

xavier dolan.

2011-07-31T18:00:00.000+07:00

let's say i'm in the middle of a sharing frenzy. hmm, exactly i'm in the middle of a sleepless night, because yesterday i woke up at 7 pm. pretty fucked up hour for waking up, don't you think?

anyway, i'm pretty sure most of you haven't heard of this director/writer. his name is xavier dolan, and he's 22 years old (my age! isn't that crazy?). he has only produced two movies so far, i've watched both of them, and i can honestly say from those movies that xavier is in my list of favorite directors.

his movies are artsy, filled with aesthetically beautiful scenes, and also emotionally moving. his first movie, j'ai tué ma mère, was semi-autobiographical. what's more, he acted in both his movies, as the leading actor. and have i mentioned he put the coolest songs in his movies?

j'ai tué ma mère (i killed my mother, 2009)

les amours imaginaires (heartbeats, 2010)