MOVIE REVIEWS BY JAMES M. TATE

A THOUSAND WORDS

2012-03-11T19:55:00.002-07:00

title: A THOUSAND WORDS
year: 2012
cast: Eddie Murphy
rating: *1/2

Eddie Murphy’s back in form. Not to the grand days of TRADING PLACES and BEVERLY HILLS COP but the petrified 1990’s when he seemed to have lost his funny bone. Although the story is somewhat intriguing: a talkative, shallow agent acquires a tree where, with every word he speaks, a leaf falls – and he has only a thousand words until his inevitable death when the tree is bare. But this seems peripheral to Murphy’s annoying co-stars including a hen pecking wife and Clark Duke as Murphy’s personal assistant. Looking fifteen years old and trying way too hard for laughs, Duke makes particular scenes, where Murphy can’t speak in fear of losing all his leaves, not only unfunny but each drags on forever. One brief montage, as Murphy desperately attempts breaking the spell by becoming charitable, tries hard to revive the plot device yet nothing, including frantic attempts to mine each word, really works. Although a doomed Murphy displays worthy acting as he runs out of time and makes amends. But by the very end you’ll want to quickly leave the theater.

JOHN CARTER

2012-03-10T18:29:00.005-08:00

title: JOHN CARTER
year: 2012
cast: Taylor Kitsch, Willem Defoe
rating: **

This two hour and twenty minute film, based on the story by Edgar Rice Burroughs written in 1912, would have made a terrific Western. Starting out with our rugged hero John Carter, a rogue confederate soldier seeking a mountain of gold. He’s captured by Yankees and they can’t keep him pinned down. The boundless action is fast paced and exciting, Taylor Kitsch displaying the right amount of lean bravado and swift agile. But then something happens. Finding an emulate, Carter is transformed into a strange world that doesn’t look much different than the badlands of America: except there are green creatures bursting from eggs and giant, lanky aliens with four arms. And Carter himself has a powerful skill of leaping a hundred feet into the air. The plot's quite familiar: a beautiful princess is forced to marry a swarthy scoundrel in order to save her race. Declining that option, she winds up with Carter, who’s been taken in with the tall green aliens (the endearing leader voiced by Willem Defoe) and after a few cool fight scenes, Carter and the Princess travel across the Mars terrain: each seeks a different location without realizing. Here’s where the movie hits a long, tedious wall… And by the time the action sustains you’ll feel robbed by the ponderous bouts of dialog describing the history of the planet, why it’s doomed and who’s dooming it. Thus a scene where Carter battles a formidable beast in a Roman like coliseum is too little, too late. But after all’s said and done and we return back to Earth, the final fifteen minutes provide an intriguing closure. And it's ironic that a film originally titled JOHN CARTER OF MARS would have been better off spending much less time there.

PROJECT X

2012-03-09T01:13:00.007-08:00

title: PROJECT X
year: 2012
cast: Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper
rating: ***1/2

In this movie… Or, at this party… Character names really don’t matter. There’s the kid whose parents left him their house for the weekend. And he has three faithful buddies: The confident instigator; the dorky fatso; and a faceless camera operator who captures everything. The “all you see is being filmed” device ala CHRONICLE works nicely here, making the inevitable suburban bash feels like it’s right in your face – and you don’t even need 3D glasses. But while the party is key, some of the best scenes occur beforehand. As the popularity-seeking geeks set things in motion, from getting the word out to ripping off a "loaded" garden gnome from an urban drug dealer, we get to know these underdog losers enough to where, once the raging party occurs, their winning matters. While the cocky Oliver Cooper delivers the scene stealing role – think of a younger Vince Vaughan in SWINGERS – the heart and soul belongs to Thomas Mann, providing the essential drool-to-cool story arc. It’s his birthday party after all, which occurs in montage tidbits ranging from naked girls to a midget locked inside a stove, and fireworks and even a flamethrower. And while the intensity increases a bit too quickly… the party morphing into an act of terrorism within a ten-minute time frame… it’s never a drag. Yet what remains consistent throughout all the noise are the characters we’ve grown comfortable with. All leading to a weak and implausible resolution. Although the aftermath really doesn’t matter. Leave all that consequence stuff for THE HANGOVER.

THE EXORCIST II

2012-03-07T00:52:00.011-08:00

title: THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC
year: 1977
cast: Linda Blair, Richard Burton
rating: **

Perhaps adventurous director John Boorman (DELIVERANCE, THE EMERALD FOREST) chose to direct an EXORCIST sequel for the rugged exterior locations, as the new Priest in town, played by a melancholy Richard Burton, travels to Africa in hopes of destroying the demon Pazuzu in its origin. These are the worst parts of the film, centering on swarms of locusts and screaming possessed natives, straying from a lovely teenage Linda Blair as Regan who, with the help of Louise Fletcher, recovers at a mental telepathy center. One scene, as Fletcher’s plugged into Regan’s mind and relives the death of Father Merrin, is intense: mostly thanks to Fletcher's acting. And any part involving Regan’s attempts to remain a normal kid as the demon closes in (or perhaps he’s there already) are comfortable – it’s great seeing the character all grown up, allowing Linda Blair to use her own voice for the entire trip. But as a horror film it’s not a bit scary – nor are their any effective moments of suspense. Although the finale has potential: as Burton and Blair literally put their minds together to destroy the demon once and for all. But flashbacks of the original and the eventual return to the same house (where Regan swats a swarm of locusts!) is downright blasphemous to the classic original. And when a sultry, possessed Blair lures the priest to her bed… one can only imagine just how many ways this movie could have gone without all the bugs and backstory. [CLICK FOR PICS of Linda Blair and a Dana Plato cameo.]

THE LORAX

2012-03-04T16:47:00.006-08:00

title: THE LORAX
year: 2012
voices: Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, Zac Efron
rating: **

If you think Hollywood is the greediest moneygrubbing plastic city in the world, think again – and welcome to Thneedville, where every overly promoted, abundantly commercialized item costs bundles and, scariest of all, there are no trees. Enter Ted, a kid smitten with a gorgeous girl Audrey, who has only one wish – painted along the back of her house are tall skinny things resembling straws harboring wispy windblown cotton candy. These are the long forgotten trees, and she wants one, a real one, badly. Through his wise old granny, Ted learns of The Once-ler, a hermit residing on the outskirts of the shallow metropolis: walled in and policed by a wicked, and very short, dictator O’Hare. But Ted gets easily past the border and, using his power scooter, zips into a dark flatland where he finds a faceless hermit in a spooky house. Here he learns the backstory and what the film’s all about: Once-ler was once a poor farm boy who discovered a land abundant in nature and cutesy animals. He realizes, to make his dream invention – what he calls the Thneed (think of a Bionic Snuggie) – he has to chop down a tree: which summons our titular hero, The Lorax. This mustached, peanut-shaped, blunt yet lovable orange creature (voiced by Danny DeVito) is an underdog environmentalist that can only point the Once-ler toward wisdom. But becoming a powerful businessman is Once-ler’s priority – and his Thneed's a big hit until all the trees are gone. Now we’re back with Ted, whose input means very little – especially since the title character (who has surprisingly minimal screen time and plot relevance) is history and the real tale has been told. Nevertheless, Ted’s final mission is to plant one last seed. Although the greedy O’Hare – who sells clean air in cans and fake trees for big bucks – wants him stopped. Kids will enjoy the wonderfully vivid animation and the cutesy characters, especially a bear cub and singing fish residing in the tree-laden forest. Here’s where the most involving, fast-paced action occurs. And the overly obvious environmental message works in scenes where each tree falls: like best friends dying slowly, and painfully, before your very eyes. But once the movie ends with a corny singalong about letting it grow, you’ll realize this ninety-minute tale was really just a message with vibrant color: Other than a greedy entrepreneur cutting down trees to make money and then realizing his mistake, not much really happens. Yet the real moral of this anti-capitalist movie is that it grossed a whopping $70 million this weekend. But since spending, and making, large amounts of money is a supposedly bad thing, you can do the producers a favor: instead of paying $14 bucks to watch THE LORAX, go plant a tree!

THE MAN CALLED FLINTSTONE

2012-03-01T21:19:00.012-08:00

title: THE MAN CALLED FLINTSTONE
year: 1967
voices: Allen Reed, Mel Blanc, Harvey Korman
rating: ***

Fred Flintstone, that lovable blue-collar caveman from Bedrock, becomes a spy in this feature length cartoon: Hanna Barbara’s farewell to the six season television series. Begins with a fantastic mountainside car chase involving two goons and a suave James Bond-like spy, Rock Slag, who looks exactly like Fred. The chase results in Rock being injured: Cut to Fred and his marble-eyed sidekick Barney taking a failed shortcut home. They wind up at the hospital where Fred’s given an assignment to replace his double: and the adventure begins. The Flintstones and Rubbles go on a European trip where Fred learns of a nefarious criminal, The Grey Goose, and his plot to blow up the world. Loads of fun action – mostly involving those two thugs attempting to kill Fred. But when various musical numbers are thrown in… the worst concerning the progression of children in the future that has nothing to do with the plot or characters… what begins as a clever spoof gets derailed. But the good stuff returns with a chase through an abandoned theme park: including a nod to Orson Welles's LADY FROM SHANGHAI fun house. What would have made a great hour-long two-part episode, sans the musical interludes, winds up a flawed Flintstone journey – yet even the bad parts are creatively bizarre... it was 1966, after all.

HUNTERS OF THE REEF

2012-03-01T16:01:00.004-08:00

title: HUNTERS OF THE REEF
year: 1977
cast: Michael Parks, Mary Louise Weller
rating: ***1/2

Michael Parks, the character actor that Quentin Tarnatino’s used in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN and KILL BILL, stars in this 1977 made for television movie created by JAWS author PETER BENCHLEY, what was supposed to be a pilot for a series centering on various sea adventures. While that show never got off the ground, this is a nice little film on its own. Parks plays Jim Spanner, a maverick fisherman who, along with ex-rummy counterpart Panama (William Windom, straight from a Hemingway novel), has found a sunken boat with an abundance of treasure. All is well until a gorgeous shark researcher arrives – Mary Louise Weller as Tracey Russell. The only way for anything to happen is if she puts her engine in his old boat, which means her own particular research comes first. Through Russell we see some terrific underwater shots of the sharks roaming their habitat, although unlike Benchley’s JAWS and this film's rather misleading title, the killer fish don’t provide much of a suspenseful element. A smug pirate in preppie clothes, Le Salle, who wants to find that treasure before Spanner, is the antagonist here. And his eleven-year-old daughter Kris, played by child actress Katy Kurtzman, takes an interest to Spanner’s long lost little brother Mike (Moosie Drier), an adventurous kid who also loves the sea. Although not loaded with thrills, it’s a neat little adventure with amazing shots and nice chemistry between the actors: especially Mary Louise Weller, best known as Mandy Pepperidge from ANIMAL HOUSE, who has three important scenes with each male character. So if you can find it, this never released on video treasure is worth watching.

ACT OF VALOR

2012-02-26T23:07:00.004-08:00

title: ACT OF VALOR
year: 2012
cast: Navy Seals
rating: ***

Since the cast consists of real life Navy Seals, it’s difficult to follow each character and their part within this fictionalized account of what heroes do while we’re safe at home. There’s one guy with a low voice who narrates. He’s all man – a man’s man yet a tad philosophical. There's a nice guy with a pregnant wife. And the tough leader who, during an interrogation of a seedy millionaire aboard a yacht, provides the best acting overall. But there really doesn’t need much dialog when it’s mostly action (and not too much shaky cam) – although what would have fared better as a climax is put up front: The Navy Seals rescuing an imprisoned woman in the Philippines. This stealthy mission, beginning with a parachuting sequence and winding up a riveting truck chase along a narrow road, puts you on the edge of your seat. After which, while learning about the bad guys – one dimensional goons seeming fresh from a cable TV action flick – the stakes are raised… There’s a group of suicide bombers about to enter through the Mexican border strapped with explosives ala BLACK SUNDAY: once they blow up, a thousand deathly shards fly in all directions. It’s too bad this finale, revved-up as we learn a drug cartel could be involved, results in a rushed and – as far as one tragic casualty goes – predictable conclusion. And yet, since the real men are involved, the calculating missions never seem corny, clichéd, or melodramatic. But for fans of old school war flicks, this might also be a hindrance. After all, who doesn't need a cocky cigar-chomping womanizer or a boisterous comic relief? So next time, spice up that Apple Pie just a bit. Because while it's great to root for America, the individual characters are who we invest in.

WANDERLUST

2012-02-25T22:38:00.006-08:00

title: WANDERLUST
year: 2012
cast: Paul Rudd, Jennifer Aniston
rating: **1/2

How many things can weird, overly-openly-honest hippies do to make an average city-bred couple feel uncomfortable? About as many things as make the audience uncomfortable – and that’s not such a terrible thing if Judd Apatow’s producing. This has his signature over-the-top bodily function humor written, drawn and painted all over it. Story centers on Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston who, after both losing their jobs and driving to Rudd’s obnoxious money-loving brother's house, happen upon a bed and breakfast harboring the oddest lot of hippies you’ll ever experience. Going far beyond the clichés of pot smoking and naval-gazing, these freaks watch you go to the bathroom, exchange partners, and give birth right on the porch. The residents are too silly to be real, especially Justin Theroux as the picture-perfect bearded leader: a cross between Charles Manson and a game show host. But this is really about Rudd’s shocked reactions to the craziness around him. With an old-school vulnerable nice guy humor the likes of Richard Benjamin, Albert Brooks, and Alan Alda (who plays the commune’s dazed owner), Rudd has enough charm to rise above a somewhat (if not deliberately) banal script. And while Aniston is, once again, playing herself, she and Rudd make a good couple who happen into this gratuitous Twilight Zone episode that, while not being very funny, sure ain't boring.

LOCAL HERO

2012-02-25T12:38:00.015-08:00

title: LOCAL HERO
year: 1983
cast: Peter Riegert, Burt Lancaster
rating: *****

A Porsche driving Texas oil company negotiator is sent to a small town in Ireland to strike a deal that will make all the locals rich. Their land and beach is the perfect location for a refinery, and Peter Riegert as Mac – chosen for the assignment because of his supposed "Irish lineage" – enters the town whose inhabitants already know of their impending fortune. Riegert's brilliantly subtle performance is nearly matched by the resident accountant Denis Lawson (Wedge from the original STARS WARS trilogy) as they wander around the gorgeous exterior discussing what prices go where, surrounded by an array of townsfolk including Mac's quirky British sidekick; a beautiful marine biologist; a drunken Russian; a seemingly unimportant beach bum; and an injured rabbit. All leading to the final act when Burt Lancaster, as the eccentric Houston-based oil tycoon behind the deal, realizes the constellations mean everything in this modern fable written and directed by Bill Forsyth and backed by Mark Knofler’s earthy score, where everything remains genuine and grounded, even when those heavenly lights shine above. And after experiencing this movie you’ll never see a phone booth the same way again.

THE NEW ADVENTURES OF HEIDI

2012-02-25T02:06:00.021-08:00

title: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF HEIDI
year: 1978
cast: Katy Kurtzman, Burl Ives, John Gavin
rating: ***

In one of the most wonderfully bizarre made for television musicals ever filmed, Katy Kurtzman plays a modern day Heidi. With the signature blond pigtails, she frolics throughout the mountainside with her grandfather, played by Burl Ives, who’s losing his sight. What they really want is to live together without a care in the world; other than a bearded psychopath lurking in the shadows, hilltop life is downright peachy. But when Grandpa gets lost in a thunderstorm, Heidi travels with a poor little rich girl to a mansion in the big city – and here’s where the movie takes a bad turn. But don’t blame our lovely blue-eyed heroine. PYSCHO actor John Gavin’s role as the rich girl’s neglectful father ruins not only the whimsical pace, but takes Heidi out of the story for tedious pockets of downtime. Yet overall, despite the camp value, young Katy Kurtzman turns in an amazing performance, especially when she's crying or wishing for the life she may never regain. Her eclectic bouquet of expressions, ranging from contented to ecstatic to woebegone to hysterical, makes some of the other stuff – reminiscent of an eerie dream – not matter. It’s the title character that counts... It's her adventure!

VIBES

2012-02-24T14:00:00.003-08:00

title: VIBES

year: 1988

cast: Cyndi Lauper, Jeff Goldblum

rating: **1/2

It's a shame this comedy/adventure, about two slackers with psychic powers, bombed so hard in the box office because Cyndi Lauper – the 1980's icon who sang about girls wanting to have fun – is a pretty good actress, sharing the right amount of lightweight chemistry with fellow psychic (and really nice guy) Jeff Goldblum and rogue con-artist Peter Falk, who tricks the duo into supposedly finding his son: when he's actually seeking a mysterious pyramid of light on a mountain top. This is where the film, after establishing the quirky, likable characters in New York and then their hijinx in small Ecuador town, goes downhill: once they reach the destination, there's nothing more to build. But Lauper is cute and likable throughout: her presence alone making the decent parts, and even the boring ones, somewhat worthwhile. And it's no surprise that WARLOCK's Julian Sands makes a for a decent heavy.

THE SECRETS OF ISIS

2012-02-24T12:00:00.005-08:00

title: THE SECRETS OF ISIS

year: 1975

cast: Joanna Cameron

rating: ***

"Oh Zephyr Winds which blow on high, lift me now so I can fly!" chants high school science teacher Andrea Thomas, played by the gorgeous Joanna Cameron, before turning into sexy Egyptian goddess Isis: fighting criminals, bullies, and anyone doing bad things. Though it was a stretch no one figured Clark Kent was Superman, this brings the suspending-disbelief to a hilarious level: whether donning specs or wearing her sexy suit, Andrea and Isis look exactly the same, showing up seconds after our heroine, with a pet raven, saves the day. Her pseudo boyfriend/fellow teacher, with a porn star level of acting, brings this Saturday Morning TV series to another level. And although it's a very expensive DVD set, the complete series is available on Netflix: fans of vintage camp won't be disappointed... In fact you'll savor every horrible moment with complete awe, and at the same time, the stories are simple and actually entertaining, with recognizable character-actors filling guest roles.

SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE

2012-02-24T11:53:00.001-08:00

title: SPACEHUNTER

year: 1983

cast: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Ernie Hudson

rating: ***

One of those cheap science fiction cult films without much of a following. Shot in 3D in the early 1980's and then, after formatting to 2D, things zoom at the screen for no reason. The sets resemble a MAD MAX future if it were created by Sid and Marty Krofft. Actually, Ivan Reitman produced this science-fiction yarn about a rogue bounty hunter, Peter Strauss, sent to a planet where three vixens are kidnapped. He's reluctantly aided by local brat Molly Ringwald (a year before joining the pack) and Ernie Hudson: Lando to Strauss's Han Solo. A few mindless adventures lead to an underground cavern where Michael Ironside, as a gigantic robot-altered mutant, hosts a do-or-die match where Strauss must save Molly: who's become like a daughter. Although it's not that great, you'll be drawn in somehow.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

2012-02-20T11:17:00.001-08:00

title: JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
year: 2012
cast: Dwayne Johnson, Michael Caine
rating: ***

Let’s get the negatives out of the way: the multicolored computer-animated MYSTERIOUS ISLAND resembles a seventies Hanna Barbara cartoon. And the reason for two suburbanites venturing into a distant island has practically no set up or logic. But it doesn't matter since the adventure itself is fun and involving, and yes, completely banal – but that’s not a bad thing. Teenage Sean, from JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH, has a new stepfather, Hank, played by The Rock, that he can’t stand. Until the muscular, surprisingly resilient ex Navy man breaks a code sent from Sean's “Vernian” (Jules Verne fanatic) grandfather, who’s found the Mysterious Island the iconic author wrote about. Along the way the duo meet two essential yet, in this case, completely contrived device characters – Luis Guzman as the helicopter pilot comic relief trying way too hard for laughs, and his gorgeous daughter as Sean’s romantic interest. Cut to the chase: once they arrive on the island and meet up with grandfather Michael Caine, it’s all about escaping from a giant lizard, giant birds (while riding bees), and once underwater, where Nemo’s submarine awaits, dodging electric eels. The suspense builds decently enough on land – if they don’t get off the island in time, everything will be covered by the ocean. And it’s as simple as that – so what else do you need in a live-action cartoon?

THIS MEANS WAR

2012-02-18T18:51:00.000-08:00

title: THIS MEANS WAR
year: 2012
cast: Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy, Chris Pine
rating: ***

This movie might have the best, or perhaps worst, trailer ever made. Because in three minutes time you get the most important (and worthwhile) scenes involving two covert C.I.A. agents, Chris Pine and Tom Hardy, outwitting each other to win over the same girl, Reese Witherspoon. Well there’s not much more than that – although some scenes are funnier than others. Like whenever either spy sabotages one another, both sharing the same character traits as Burt Reynolds and Kris Kristopherson in the 1977 comedy SEMI TOUGH, which borrows the same triangular premise. Here the spontaneous womanizer (Pine) acts sensitive while the nice guy (Hardy) proves he's gutsy, and it’s up to Witherspoon, with a consistently fervent expression, to decide. While expecting the viewer to embrace the characters before they’ve earned it, perhaps we have – this being a very clichéd rom-com, including Witherspoon’s snarky best friend dishing bad advice that eventually makes sense. The action scenes are decent and, although shot in a glossy fashion (mirroring the director’s CHARLIE’S ANGELS), all the running around make the two male leads seem legitimate in their trade – underlined by a somewhat contrived subplot involving a maverick assassin. But the dynamic duo, partners who risk their lives together, have more camaraderie with the girl than they do each other. Which isn't so bad – since it’s her they’re after.

SAFE HOUSE

2012-02-17T02:36:00.000-08:00

title: SAFE HOUSE
year: 2012
cast: Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds
rating: *1/2

If there wasn’t so much expository about how formidable Denzel Washington’s rogue agent Tobin Frost is, maybe he wouldn’t have to live up to all that infamy once the story's underway: beginning with a botched heist in South Africa where Frost turns himself in to the C.I.A. and is taken to the first of three Safe Houses, where he’s watched by young agent Weston played by an extremely serious Ryan Reynolds. But there are a lot of really nasty people who want him dead, and the first of several bombastic action scenes, practically impossible to view as the camera rocks back and forth without ceasing, leads to Weston, with Frost as his prisoner, taking to the streets – till Frost shakes his tail and… When the duo meet again, and we realize the bad guys are supposed to be the good guys (like in every Hollywood film involving the C.I.A.), it’s a desperate fight for both agents: now teamed up to stay alive. Washington turns in a surprisingly bland performance as a character who, like a Hannibal Lector, is supposed to get into people's minds; and for an agent of his legendary caliber, he seems more confused than cunning. Reynolds holds onto a one-note scowl, and a side story with his put-upon girlfriend means absolutely nothing. But it’s that ever-shaky camera that really sinks this clichéd thriller. So take plenty of sea sick pills before getting on this ride, and prepare to blame America all over again. It's getting awfully tiresome, and worst yet, downright predictable.

THE LAST CHASE

2012-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

title: THE LAST CHASE
year: 1981
cast: Lee Majors, Chris Makepeace, Burgess Meredith
rating: **1/2

“In the near future, evil fascists have forced everyone to recycle and drive electric cars.” Well here’s a description you won’t see of a movie anytime in the near, or distant, future… at least not in Hollywood! Made during the tail end of the oil crisis in the early eighties, this low budget science-fiction wears its agenda on the main character’s sleeve: Lee Majors is an ex race car driver who, living in a world where disease has taken many of the inhabits and, for some reason, it's all been blamed on oil and automobiles, makes a statement by driving a 917-10 Porsche race car past the outskirts of town, and he’s not alone. MY BODYGUARD's Chris Makepeace, as the only student not “brainwashed” by the rascally environmentalists, joins him while Burgess Meredith, a seventy-year-old Vietnam Veteran, is sent in a jet fighter to kill our heroes. There’s not much of a chase, just the Porsche cruising through mountain roads and at one point taking a break at a rural location for Majors to have a quick fling. All the while Meredith keeps on their tail, but even he’s kept in check by the main villain, watching on a big screen from a domed building, ready to wield a mountaintop laserbeam on our heroes if the old veteran, who has a heart of gold, fails his mission. Here’s when, during the last ten minutes, not only the most suspenseful moments occur, but there’s an actual chase. Pretty bad if you want non-stop action, or if you prefer a movie to live up to its name, but there are moments of pleasantly cheesy fun. And the film's final line, muttered by the dictator, sums everything up: “This could set us back to the 1980s.” Not a bad thing!

THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT

2012-02-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

title: THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT
year: 1984
cast: Michael Paré, Nancy Allen
rating: **1/2

When the audience, and the two naval officers thrust from the 1940s into the 1980s, get past the very dated special effects, this becomes an involving road film as Michael Paré, as a stranger in a strange land along with fellow shipmate Bobby Di Cicco, aren’t sure what sent them through that lightning-driven portal into this very different era: jet fighter planes roar across the sky, people have multicolored Mohawks, men dress like women, and a former actor has become president. Nancy Allen serves a double-shift as the potential love interest and the only person willing to partially trust Paré in this unbelievable predicament, driving him from point A to B with the military on their trail. The desert highway chases, as the protagonists begin figuring out what caused the time shift – having to do with a top secret Naval experiment to deflect vessels from radar – are filmed well, and Paré and Allen have that essential chemistry reminiscent of golden age melodramas. But there should have been more of the fast-paced adventure by the pawns and less exposition by the players: trying to move the pieces around a maze that, even after the resolution, still doesn't quite make sense.

IT'S COMPLICATED

2012-02-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

title: IT'S COMPLICATED
year: 2009
cast: Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin
rating: **1/2

There's something very comfortable about IT'S COMPLICATED. The usually serious, multi-Oscar nominated Meryl Streep doesn't dumb-down for comedy. Playing a divorced woman whose spark rekindles for her former husband (married to a beautiful young woman), she plays the role with natural ease. But Alec Baldwin, as the cheating ex who gets more and more invigorated by his former wife through random sleepovers, turns in a somewhat phoned-in performance, sounding like a smooth-talking disc jockey on a late night jazz station. On the peripheral, Steve Martin's nice guy architect character, designing an add-on to Streep's plush home and becoming a potential significant other, doesn't have enough screen time, or motivation therein, to add a needed baseline to the not-so-complicated proceedings: making Streep and Baldwin's sneaky trysts seem like excuses for the duo to keep repeating the same lines: "I can't believe we're doing this" or "Why is this happening?" And during the third act, when Baldwin gets a little too unbelievably clingy... And Streep and Martin spoke marijuana (the always dependable icebreaker device from the 1980s)... the plot derails. But it's Streep alone, holding all the cards throughout, that makes this romantic comedy worthwhile.

THE BODYGUARD

2012-02-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

title: THE BODYGUARD
year: 1992
cast: Kevin Costner, Whitney Houston
rating: **1/2

In a role that Steve McQueen (with then wife Ali McGraw) was planning to star, Kevin Costner, down to the skin-diver haircut and brooding scowl, channels the icon to the best of his abilities, playing the best bodyguard the world has to offer: hired to protect a primadonna pop diva played by Whitney Houston. The real life singer does a good job acting, though it’s mostly reactions to Costner’s cold indifference, which he pulls of nicely through the first half as their personalities clash: she’s unaware of the danger lurking while he constantly leaps at shadows. But during a pivotal scene at one of her appearances, his paranoia is substantiated and, realizes his job is essential, and her life’s in jeopardy, she melts – a bit too quickly – to his frosty anticharm. The suspense takes hiatus after the leads have a successful first date, resulting in a moonlight sexcapade that puts his job (and the character's maverick persona) at risk. Here’s where the film too hits a wall, sustaining through an overlong segment in a snowy hideaway, an attempt to escape from the killer – who’s close enough to keep a residual of suspenseful mystery building throughout. All leading to an Oscar ceremony where one must sustain disbelief – especially with Robert Wuhl being the host – as the identity of the real killer winds up more predictable than the person who hired him. But for the late Whitney Houston (who died last week), this is a steamy thriller worth watching: she looks beautiful, she sings beautifully, and has good chemistry with her leading man, but mostly when they don’t get along. [And see tons of Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard photos here.]

THE VOW

2012-02-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

title: THE VOW
year: 2012
cast: Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum
rating: **

The worst thing is having to sit through the actual vow, a sappy diatribe of overwhelming Hallmark drivel during a quickie wedding ceremony, three entire times: once before Rachel McAdams, playing the perfect girl, loses her memory from a car accident; once after; and the last time right as she’s discovering that perhaps… well that’s cutting to the chase in a story that doesn’t have much of a chase at all – even though the perfect guy, Channing Tatum, having lost his wife to amnesia – the hackneyed device used in every soap opera invented – has to woe her back into his current, and her former, life. McAdams only remembers the stuff before the relationship, shown during a ten minute “flashback” of boy meeting girl and never lacking a single moment of perpetual bliss i.e. the Greatest Hits of unrealistic romance. Jessica Lange and Sam Neill, as the rich parents who don’t understand Tatum’s “lowly” lifestyle as a dreaming recording studio owner, nor their daughters choice to sculpt over law school, add as little to the storyline – which nearly tenses up once she rekindles the spark with her snarky ex fiancé. But this, like everything else, thanks to a dull script and wooden performances (especially Tatum, whose expression never changes), amounts to very little in a flick that even chicks might forget once the end credits roll.

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

2012-02-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

title: STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

year: 1978

cast: Art Carney, Peter Mayhew, Mark Hamill

normal rating: *1/2
camp value: ***

Before the horrid prequels, it seemed impossible for George Lucas to back a travesty. Yet despite the sought-after camp legacy, this TV special, aired only one time in 1978, is downright boring. Overlong "comedy" and/or musical skits featuring Harvey Korman as a robot, Bea Arthur as the Cantina bartender, Art Carney as a chummy mechanic, and Chewbacca's family: consisting of wife, son, and dad...the latter having a virtual reality "experience" with hologram Diahann Caroll... make for the longest ninety minutes ever filmed. Not forgetting a wimpy Jefferson Starship video and Carrie Fisher crooning to red-robbed Wookies about "Life Day": a Christmas type celebration the Empire wants to stop. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and the faithful droids also make embarrassing cameos. But throughout the immense torture, a ten minute cartoon introducing Boba Fett is actually pretty cool.

MONKEY SHINES

2012-02-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

title: MONKEY SHINES
year: 1988
cast: Jason Beghe
rating: ***

George A. Romero trades in sinewy for suspense; zombies for a really smart monkey who, after being excessively injected by a powerful drug, and used as an aide for a quadriplegic man, takes to the streets and kills whoever his master, in his subconscious, wants dead. Jason Beghe’s extremely fake-looking beard (grown after the accident) aside, the muscular actor plays the part of a bed-ridden victim decently enough, but it’s Boo, as the spunky monkey Ella, that steals the show. Scenes involving the monkey-eye-view of the frantic romps through the suburbs to finish anyone that made Beghe’s life uncomfortable – this including a cheating girlfriend, a seedy doctor, a vicious parakeet and a henpecking mother – provide fun and involving fare, as does the initial setup as the monkey takes to the contained setting… the house where the bed-ridden patient resides… to learn how to become an assistant. But our hero realizes too quickly that the Monkey’s up to no good, and there could have been a lot more grizzly deaths before the tables turn. John Pankow's subplot, as the friendly but ultimately devious young professor continuously inoculating Ella, is an essential device: but his selfish triads deviates from the mainline story, too quickly veering into the “We must stop the antagonist at all costs” territory, making the final third a drawn-out, tiresome battle between man and beast. Yet despite the flaws, Romero provides a creepy setting that works throughout.

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

2012-02-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

title: A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
year: 2005
cast: Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello, Ed Harris
rating: *1/2

Prepare to get serious, very, very serious. Viggo Mortensen plays an average guy with an average family... Well they’re fantastic looking but nothing's extraordinary about their personal lives: residing in a small town dream house and running a local cafe, life’s as easy as it’s simple. Until two vicious thugs rob the place and Viggo displays too much tactical know-how in taking them out single handed, becoming a media hero and bringing attention to… well there’s the plot of this searing, melodramatic tale of a man who might not be what he appears. Maria Bello, as his beautiful wife, remains in a blissful, dazed denial about her husband’s true identity, until bigger fish Ed Harris and his formidable goons move in to take Viggo out since he was once, in their opinion, a successful hit man. After all, how could an average Joe be that good with a gun? While EASTERN PROMISES director David Cronenberg sets a nice platform of slowburn suspense, reminiscent of exterior, woodsy Film Noirs like HIGH SIERRA, the good stuff i.e. our hero becoming an antihero takes too long to get happen and once it does… with the 11th hour introduction of a mob boss played by a completely miscast William Hurt… it’s too little, too late. Although Viggo Mortensen, displaying an old school tough guy countenance (think early 70's Charles Bronson) does play the part well – there’s simply not enough for his true self to fight for, or against. Based on a graphic novel, this needed to be more... enjoyably violent. But the main problem is the script, so full of ponderous cliches and drawn-out, uninteresting bouts of dialog with brooding characters talking and talking about things almost happening, or just about to happen, yet nothing really ever does.