Movie Review Corner

Deep Rising (1998)

2015-07-01T09:36:00.003-07:00

Here is a horror movie that most people could forget ever existed. Released in 1998, it tells a story of a mercenary who, accompanied by a "grease monkey" Joey and his hot Asian girlfriend Leila, transports a gang of raiders to a luxury ship named the Argonautica. This maritime horror movie further reveals that the ship is soon to be invaded by an undersea monster which resembles a kraken and has a taste for human flesh. The luxury vessel is worth $487.6 million and the owner Simon Canton is behind the plot to claim insurance rather than lose it to bankers.

This movie consists of plot devices anyone would have figured out were already present in movies before it, such as Jaws (1975), Alien (1979), Titanic (1997) and even Anaconda (1997). Several other movies that I have not mentioned are surely subject to have their plot devices ripped off by this movie, but I shall not solely dwell on that.

Just like Anaconda, there are several characters who will just be served up on a silver platter for a swarm of tentacles, which are all of the kraken's sentient arms. The characters are just cardboard cutouts who just serve to be so annoying and unlikable that you would wish the tentacles would just have them devoured.

So the start off with a prologue, which sounds like the legend of the Bermuda Triangle yet it is set in the South China Sea. After that the see the ocean floor from a point of view I think many would affiliate with Jaws.

Now we are out of the water and in a boat which is piloted by Mr. Finnigan (Treat Williams), who has already shown how much he is of a wisecrack. However, his wisecrack is less of a pain than the grease monkey's whiny nature. Mr. Finnigan's favorite catchphrase in this movie is "When the cash is there, we don't care." (I think of this of the catchphrase of every actor desperate for money to survive, no matter the critical and financial outcome.) He must think he doesn't care, but always asks the question when the mastermind is out of the scene.

One other character is Trillian St. James (Famke Janssen). I do have to admit, this character here has more charisma than a comic character from the X-Men trilogy (2000 - 2006), Dr. Jean Gray. She is a convict, and a woman with a feisty attitude. When I first saw her, I was completely lost as to where I have seen her before. This actually indicated that when I have seen the same actress somewhere before but could not put my finger on it, it just goes to show that if the character is bland and forgettable, so will the actor except if their name is billed. But here she is built up to a strong female character who will not wait for a man to come to her aid, rather the other way round.

The Argonautica is a very expensive ship. It boasts state-of-the-art surveillance yet it could not record the perpetrator who somehow uploads a virus into its mainframe. It is this malfunction that leaves the ship open for attack in the middle of the ocean.

The sentient tentacles (and the monster itself) are animated with the least impressive C.G.I., and this movie came out the same year as the infamous Godzilla, which has been ridiculed for its poor-quality CGI despite its big budget. You might consider this a shortcoming, however they do a hell a lot of destruction when they suck up their victims. What makes this movie truly revolting is the detail of the horror it literally leaves behind: blood-coated skeletons. The thought of this is enough to print a nightmarish image in one's mind. However, the very image that is heavily scarring is a victim who was travelling in one of the tentacles, burning in acid, screaming in agony, alive even though half his brain has been burned. Agonizing as it sounds, this movie offers something that you would not see everyday.

If you have watched James Cameron's Titanic, you will notice how the passengers are thrown about in the bowels of the ship when the monster strikes, a similar ordeal when the doomed vessel struck an iceberg. However, what you would not see in his movie as a woman being pulled down a toilet by the tentacle, which does beg the question as to how that is even possible.

You remember this guy, Wes Studi, from Street Fighter (1994)? He takes charge of a gang of raiders sent to storm the cruise ship in question. I have to be frank, his major roles in every movie involves him being a crime boss or lord of any field. It is just too bad that two of these movies where he is featured are not the type of movies that attract a critical acclaim or at least positive reception. But I digress, he leads a group of trigger-happy gun runners, an assorted bunch of cardboard cutouts ready to be decapitated.

The real pain with this movie is usual with B-movies of the horror genre: the long running time before we actually see the vicious menace. Before this happens, we have to watch several characters slag each other off, shoot like drunken idiots, waste time chatting on unimportant subject matters, and even find out what is going on that nobody ever wanted to find out in the first place. In the meantime, we do have to watch the suspense that accompanies every horror movie. Before we see the monsters we watch one character after another being pulled out of the scene in a fashion that has already been pulled off in other maritime horror movies. But this does not always say the same, since it is as though the director decided that one build-up after another gets boring from time to time.

So if you are familiar with James Cameron's Alien and Aliens, you will be familiar with the setting within this very movie: the hallways and the rampage therein. Enclosed spaces and the grey tint is typical of a scene where a victim has to outrun the vicious monsters to avoid decimation.

The bottom line is this movie is far from original. While it does offer some merits as a maritime horror movie, it still fails to come up with something different after several pictures that it rips off. It offers nothing worth every penny and is forgettable in every aspect.

I, Robot (2004)

2015-06-29T05:56:00.003-07:00

Welcome to a world where humans and robots live together. The year is 2035, and robots have become a part of our everyday lives. They are programmed with the three laws, which have been a standard for robotic psyche. However, one cop has brutal distrust towards robots and has been mocked by many for treating them this way. His name is Detective Spooner (Will Smith) and he lives in a apartment that is basically inclined to the early 21st century.
A side note: The Terminator was set in 1984. This movie shows how the future would have appeared if Skynet were obliterated from existence.

This movie is loosely based on a short story of the same name. It retains a few of the characters from the book, but the story itself is more original and has little to nothing to do with the short stories themselves.

Dr. Lanning has been found dead, said to have committed suicide. Dr. Lamming pioneered a new design for a robot NC-5 which looks more human than its predecessor. The detective investigates this and assumes that he could not have been capable of this act, seeing how surveillance data has been corrupted and the glass panels were designed to withstand large forces. Spooner works alongside Dr. Calvin (Bridget Moynahan), and they both find something they least expected in a room where the doors were sealed shut.

Calvin is a type of scientist that throws a large chunk of exposition in words that typically Will Smith has trouble trying to interpret. She thinks that big words are easier for her than simpler ones. She talks like a robot herself, feels for one seeing how she flinches at any threat dealt towards a robot, and affiliates herself with one.

Speaking of simple, this plot dwells on searching for answers to why Lanning killed himself. That answer seems so vague that I have no choice but to just accept it. In addition, Spooner has to follow the path in a manner as stated in a children's story book, Hansel & Gretel: follow a trail of breadcrumbs. A series of clues are laid out right from the laboratory where Lanning left the book.

So that robot is named Sonny (voiced by Alan Tudyk). He has been programmed with human emotions. He is just one of the thousands of NC-5 models ready for distribution. He has dreams, " can turn a canvass into a beautiful masterpiece", and show emotions towards any accusation that Spooner throws at him. But can he lie as well as tell the truth? Listening to his dialogue can boil it all down.

So why does Spooner resent robots? His past experience illustrates that robots are incapable of prioritizing human life. One twelve-year-old girl was drowning but still struggling, while Spooner was in a situation where he could still breath and needed a robot to save the preteen. It was suggested that the robot chose Spooner over the girl because Spooner had a higher chance of survival than the girl, even if phyiscal evaluation would have been a course of action that would have saved her life. Instead it resorts to mathematical evaluation, which does have Spooner distrust the robots' compliance to the three laws: it can be assessed that the robot actually broke the first and second law, which then has Spooner doubt reliance on such machines.

If you love to see how a world would look if robots lived among us, this is your movie. If you also like to see what would happen if they turned against us disobeying the three laws, this is one sci-fi action film is just for you. Do watch out for various product placements that are just being advertised in this movie so openly that this film was more intent of being turned into a series of adverts instead of a film based on a written material that so many have little to no knowledge about. With this littered in the film, we have to watch Spooner suffer from various malfunctions in one machine to another and end up calling himself a "malfunction magnet."

I Am Legend (2007)

2015-06-28T12:24:00.003-07:00

For movies whose themes center on apocalypse and epidemics, some people would think of cliches and tired formulas. However, there are different strains of diseases and the means of transmission that determine how quickly they spread. It could decimate a population within at least a month, or at least a year. It could decimate a population nationwide or worldwide, and a handful of survivors are left to fend for themselves, and/or find a solution to the crisis at hand. For some people living alone, it is a never-ending nightmare; for others it can be manageable.

In this film, a measles virus has been bio-engineered to attack cancer cells. It is the case where scientists have achieved a breakthrough against the dreaded disease of the western world. Unfortunately, it turns out that the cancer killers have a side effect: they mutate their host into vampire-like monsters called "darkseekers", which are prone to daylight and attack in droves.

Dr. Robert Neville (Will Smith) is a lone survivor (though is still accompanied by his dog, Samantha). He is the only human left on the planet who is immune to the virus, and so is his pet dog. The degree of immunity varies between the two: Neville is immune to both airborne dispersion and a contagious bite; Samantha is immune to airborne transmission, but not to the bite. The doctor has spent countless hours trying to synthesize a vaccine with his blood, only for the progress to be slow and cumbersome. In the meantime, he and his canine companion fend for themselves in their fortified apartment, day and night.

This film does not actually follow a sequence of events from the past through three years to the present; from the day the virus has been pioneered and hailed as a breakthrough, to the night all hell breaks loose. The events are set as flashbacks for a guy who has been tortured by the loss of his wife and daughter who were caught in the mayhem after passing through security checkpoints. It is tough for one to be left alone in a world where nobody contacts any other survivor. It is cruel for someone to live on and not die with his loved ones so that he wouldn't have to live perpetually alone.

Most horror flicks of this theme would implement make-up and prosthesis to create realistic effects of diseases. This movie does not: instead it implements C.G.I. on the darkseekers, the deer and the lions. Many instances of this result in the rubbery nature of the figures. It can be hard to think that these things exist, and it would be often disengaging to take these creations seriously. However, the C.G.I. and digital alterations have been implemented to give the city of New York a look of an aftermath, abandoned after three years. It is typical of a city that has been neglected for this long, with cracks in buildings, overgrown weeds, rusting metals, perpetual blackout and dry pipes. In a city rundown to this state, it is a struggle to survive.

This movie goes a mile in illustrating a situation where mankind's long absence has led to the emergence of animal that would normally be confined in zoos or the forests. In a deserted city, deer roam free and lions abound, even if there is a possibility of other carnivores competing for food. They are not shown, possibly due to the higher chances of them killing off the main character. It is nice to see that animals thrive in an apocalypse where humans and even dogs are infected, but strangely enough the deer and lions (along with various unseen animals) are not infected. This is not much of an inconsistency since darkseekers confine themselves to the city; they are unlikely to have migrated elsewhere and infected other animals.

It must be a struggle to live alone. Will Smith plays a character who tries all he can to adapt, by keeping mannequins as human companions. He does it with an impression that he still has a high spirit. No matter the situation, he can still have all the food, petrol, water, clothes, and even a generator available to survive until somebody responds to his frequent broadcasts. This movie probably has a sparse plot, but when we ask what the world would resemble once humanity is wiped out, this movie demonstrates the case scenario.

Superman Returns (2006)

2015-06-28T09:07:00.002-07:00

It is unusual for a movie in a particular franchise to continue from where the last movie stopped after 19 years, only for it to continue from the second installment and ignore events from the very last prior to hiatus. Superman Returns is the movie in question that continues from where Superman II (1980) but ignores Superman III (1983) and Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (1987). This movie was released in 2006, the same year as X-Men: The Last Stand, a movie that should have been directed by Bryan Singer who forwent the Marvel movie to direct this DC movie.

The decision to shoot this movie and cause a rift in continuity is something that has utterly left a sour taste in the mouths of movie goers and comic book fans. It is not an excuse that the fourth and final installment that killed the franchise for almost twenty years, is worthy of being ignored along its predecessor. It would have been better to reboot the franchise than produce a sequel after this long gap. That is how the Batman franchise was rejuvenated. The movie Batman Begins, released in 2005, went back to its roots in order to fix the damage left by Schumacher. That film succeeded critically and financially and it spawned two more successful sequels. Yet Bryan Singer did not bother to learn the lesson and do something right.

So the prologue states the premise of the movie. After that, the opening credits are designed to emulate the theme of the comic book superhero, accompanied with the thematic score. The background comprises of a series of planets, which I have already seen in Men In Black II (2002) and Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer (2007). In those movies those planets were being obliterated; here none has been. I guess that it only rips off those movies for the sake of visuals, even though that proved pointless. (For a special piece, the latter ripped off the former, even though this is probably cliched.) But I digress. Then we open up with a scene in Lex Luther's home. I wouldn't even care what goes on here, so I'm moving on.

Superman has been away for five years. He returns home and tries to continue with his ordinary life as Clark Kent. He later finds out that the whole world has moved on without Superman. So does this mean that the whole world no longer needs him? I believe the real question is: has the whole world moved on from the Superman franchise? My answer would be "yes". Anyone who has not grown up with this film will have no idea about the characters in this film. The whole sequence of events will be just a vapor in the eyes of the audience. For anyone who has grown up with the doomed franchise, nobody would want to look back to the failure of the last movie. What is it with sequels that measure up to this trend? A change in actor leads to a change in personality, so you can't really bond with anybody in this movie including the titular character. Christopher Reeves was the iconic Superman/Clark Kent, both of which are now played by Brandon Routh. Gene Hackman was Superman's arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor, who is now played by Kevin Spacey.

How is it a man has been able to disappear from the Earth for five years and think he could ever have his old life again? The should have no chance with the Daily Planet, but does when somebody coincidentally passes on leaving a spot for him. It is beyond belief that he just has this chance again, whether he reigned or just disappeared automatically prompting dismissal. And for that matter, how can nobody link Clark's long absence with Superman's? Would that not prompt some kind of inquiry?

Having reclaimed his job, Clark discovers that Lois Lane is engaged with Richard White, and has a child with him. Clark is gripped in anguish and feels left out. Lois has not married but still has a child nonetheless. He is also told that she has some feelings left for his alter ego, Superman. He takes this little chance left to win her heart.

In the meantime, Luther has hatched a plan to build his own world with the crystals he discovers in the sanctuary of solitude. I'll be blunt: this is cliched and far-fetched, and I wouldn't even think of this as worth my time.

Overall, this movie could have had something, but given the order of events it is not worth scrambling for. This sequel is out of line and is not a movie that rejuvenates a long-hibernating franchise. For a new generation it would have been better to reinvent itself and stick to the roots. This movie was produced to play homage to a series of DC movies that initiated a taste for comic movies, even before Batman saw the big screens worldwide. I could let this film lie as paying homage rather than being a sequel altogether.

Snakes On A Plane (2006)

2015-06-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

Snake movies were a thing since Anaconda (1997), even though they were not well received by critics and audience alike. Yet somehow this movie marks a time the internet buzz was widespread like forest fires even before its release. Despite this craze, the movie fell short of expectations, just like the movies of this kind before. I have reviewed Anaconda and Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid (2002) and those movies had common flaws that rendered them laughable but nonetheless commercially successful: cardboard characters, factual inaccuracies, boring start, cliches that only children would not notice, and several instances of unintentional humor. If snake thrillers are rife with these hitches, then it is no wonder they fail to impress.

So after a montage of the scenic Hawaiian beaches, which would entice any non-American to visit one day, the movie starts off with a BMX biker, Shawn, who accidentally witnesses a crime at an apartment. Okay the perpetrator Edward Kim is a wacky excuse who is getting back at his victim, a prosecutor named Daniel Hayes. He starts heckling him with this cheesy talk about a boy growing up without a father, before finishing his own banter with himself without a father. Guess this movie has to emphasize the importance of a male role model in a boy's life. I do not see how his bodyguards take this guy seriously as he acts like a spoiled brat!

Shawn gets away, but does it without having waited for the criminals to leave the area completely. He does this stupidly by riding off on his loud bike and thus giving himself away in broad daylight. Does he not realize the trouble he has wound up in by doing this? And he did not have a camera phone to begin with. So they follow him to his home, without actually establishing how they were able to do this given the fact he, although riding a small bike, could have easily outmaneuvered him on road.

Luckily for him, Samuel L. Jackson's character, FBI Agent Neville Flynn, grabs him unexpectedly. Okay, he does this the moment the mobsters dismantle his door lock but not before? And how is it that a cop is allowed to scale a building without being seen by anyone from a radius of at least 200 m? Well Shawn said that he could not report to the police because of corruption in high places. So I think I can let it lie for now.

So the main plot of this movie is that Shawn has to be flown to L.A. to testify against Kim and put him away for life, however Kim's henchmen and insiders are going to ensure that Shawn is killed off to hamper this progress. However, this movie is not without several subplots to introduce several additional characters who will serve some purpose to the story, or will just add more tension or agony to it.

Here are three of several side characters who will be boarding the plane, and one of them is familiar to all those children who grew up with one memorable kid's show on Nickelodeon, Kenan & Kel. Believe me, not every one of them has a bigger impact on this movie than the guy in the middle, and he is so much of a spoof of P. Diddy and Kanye West.

These stewards know how to socialize among themselves, even when you hear dialogue that sounds so bass that it spells "mediocre". I can be sure that these actors are not the type to be big or important. In fact, this is the usual case with movies where scores of deaths are to occur: serve them up on a platter, and don't expect us to feel for them because they are either uninteresting or just stereotypical.

So there is a cargo being loaded into the aircraft which Shawn is boarding. I have seen a shot where a sniffer dog is doing its job yet the only thing that security is dismissing as minor is a cat in a cage. the dog senses danger yet its handler doesn't check further. You know it is as if they have never learned their lesson form 9/11.

What seems more inconvenient here is that first class has been "overbooked", though it has been occupied by one witness for the sake of protection. I find this excuse weak and illogical but considering the security already so lax, why not take this precaution.

You know when we want so see snakes tear the chunks out of unsuspecting victims, we have to endure almost half an hour of human bonding or something. It does bring the boredom to the theater before the tide falls. However, it turns out that even kids are on the plane, so it may well be a good time to consider them as important because they are going to be dragged into the upcoming mayhem that they surely did not see coming.

The biggest letdown in this movie is the C.G.I. snakes. I have already hyped in the past on the quality of the images. Animatronic snakes are far more realistic than the C.G.I. so it is little wonder anyone would be more engaged to the snakes themselves than the carnage they unleash on a plane where they have no way of escaping or hiding from these reptiles.

Okay, you were warned about this. You tamper with the smoke detector and you're breaking the law. This should have alerted the cockpit and the stewards about this criminal damage and thus cause the plane to land for investigation. But the movie has to go along so this is negated. At least the couple get down and dirty so that we see this lady's hot tits, unlike in aforementioned movies.

The two are the first victims of the snake attack. The only thing to savor here is the cheesy CGI snake sucking on her tit while injecting its venom into her. Aside from that, the snake itself is just an eyesore.

The snakes have broken loose and have damaged the electrics on the plane. It is as if they were smart enough to do this knowing what they have just compromised.

This is just an overkill. Another snake bites him on a dick. This is like snake porn or something.

Predator camera vision.

There's a snake between her legs. Get the metaphor-cum-literal gist.

Okay. So I am watching two instances where each snake is inches from its next victim yet there is just an unexpected cause for saving grace, even when a character screams on his PSP. Nevertheless it is cleverly used to illustrate how close for comfort they were.

But that doesn't come for the other passengers when all hell breaks loose! It's the attack of the venomous snakes on a plane! We get it all: shaky camera, flickering lights, passengers scrambling for safety, blood and bone-crunching sound effects. This scene has taken enough time to reach this part. Did I forget to mention that these snakes are just attacking everybody because of the pheromones that one of the insiders sprayed on the flower souvenirs that triggers aggression even when provoked? That's why the snakes are just attacking helpless passengers.

Hey look. The director who introduced one Asian as a criminal has decided to bring in this other Asian as a good guy to attain a balance. Everybody is good regardless of race. Also, this guy happens to just show up at the last minute to save this lady Mercedes from a vicious snake, even though there was no sign of him from earlier on in the hallway overrun with these snakes. It is a coincidence to have a martial artist on a plane that happens to be infested with these predators. I can already see the possibility of more coincidences on the horizon.

This woman in the center happens to be working her last shift before retirement. It is also a coincidence that she takes the bite in place of a baby she rescues; thus she does not have to suffer the grueling years in retirement. However, if you look at the very shot where she is bitten, it looks as if she was never bitten to begin with. The CGI snake looks as though it was too far from her shoulder to bite her and so the blood should have not leaked.

I remember a scene like this in City Slickers II: the Legend Of Curly's Gold (1994) where a guy named Phil thought a rattlesnake bit him on his buttock. Here, a certain guy in blue was bitten on his own buttock but refuses to have an air steward suck the poison out for the sake of dignity. It's like they watched the movie and couldn't stand the stigma of doing it. It is also a miracle that after all that time after being bitten he still has the strength to walk and talk; with no sign of diminishing consciousness.

Another coincidence. A small boy, named Tommy, has just been bitten by a cobra, but an air stewardess just happens to know a procedure to remove the venom from his arm. This is another victim who just has a tough tissue to hold all that venom and prevent it from seeping into the bloodstream.

Dr. Steven Price is a "hard-core snake specialist". Even for the FBI in this reality, it is a painful resort for a situation like this because it would have otherwise been treated as a coincidence. Happily there was none on a plane, thus dispelling the chance of being further downgraded for random chances of this sort. But I am going to question whether the actor playing the herpetologist truly knows his role very well when he struggles with his lines and pauses almost three time in a row.

Remember when I said that there was going to be someone whom you would not ever give a toss about? This guy takes the biscuit because he mercilessly throws Mercedes' pet chihuahua to the python to keep the python occupied. However, that proves pointless because the python, despite killing the dog, abandons it and goes for the cruel jerk instead. He just got his comeuppance, like any villain in a movie whose despicable tendency was foreseen to be followed by his tragic end. This also highlights how a python prefers human meat to dog meat, despite the obvious size difference. By the way, that python was a latest addition to a plague of snakes, even though it is non-venomous. It's like the director grew weary of the venomous snakes and so went with something different to make this chaotic scene more exciting.

Remember Mr. Spoof here? Let me just assume that this is a typical celebrity who basks in fame but fails to keep his cool in a moment of turbulence. Clarence loses his mind over people coughing on him and diminishing circulation of oxygen. I guess this is how they fall from grace and try all they can to get back on top.

The FBI undertake an investigation into how the snakes were smuggled unto the plane in the first place. Long enough for me to not even note the sequence of events, they eventually find out that someone has collected snakes from around the world, to raise the chance of the poisons not being able to be neutralized with the correct antidotes. (He has been indicted for the crime more than once in the past, yet he somehow has based himself in the same area; making it easy to be tracked down.) However, given the chances of being bitten himself, the smuggler has already stashed his own supply of antidotes just in case, giving the FBI the chance to recover them to heal the passengers on the plane. I can't call this a coincidence because of the logic guiding this scenario.

A desert black snake, native to the Middle East, bites this smuggler and slithers away. Nobody catches and boxes it in case it bites anyone else. The officers interrogate him within seven minutes, so containing the black snake is not a priority.

You know what this movie needs? Another coincidence. The pilot has just died from heavy poisoning and not the plane is nearing the LA airport. Nobody is left to fly the plane except Troy (Kenan Thompson), and he only has rough knowledge of this after spending countless hours on a fight simulator. This guy is glued to his PSP so when it comes to landing the plane, he is the one. So remember, before boarding a plane, play video games for at least 2000 hours. Really? That long. No wonder you and your friend are overweight. This does deliver mixed messages about video games.

"Enough is enough! I have had it, with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!! Everybody strap in. We're about to open some fucking windows." This is the very line by Samuel L. Jackson that has to be the very pinnacle of the movie. The time has come to eject all those unwanted passengers so that they can safely land the plane, even if that plan alone is dangerous.

This is the dangerous plan. Not everyone has strapped in tight into their seats. Yet they were able to hold on for dear life.

This guy Troy has been mute for the entirety of this movie. In fact there are so many characters whose names I could not even grasp in this movie. Give Anaconda credit: at least I could learn the characters name from the beginning, even if their voice was not coherent. Here, the music often plays so loudly that, accompanied with background noise, I could not even hear their names called out until the end. In short, these characters are not someone I would even bond with more readily. That's the problem: you don't know who they are until their names are called and even when their names are called, you can't identify them.

So thanks to Troy's near-miss landing, everyone makes it out alive--even a snake that lunges at Shawn. This is one of cliches where a brief respite must surely be interrupted by a threat that was thought to have been extinguished. Thankfully, Neville shoots it dead, after equipping Shawn with a bulletproof vest. You know, I can finally assume that all these snakes act like sentient beings acting under the order of the criminal Edward Kim. In fact, throughout this film, several snakes had open opportunities to kill their victims but decided to delay or move on. In fact, this follows the same trend as the venom from each snake: some types of venom are less potent than others, giving a select victims a chance to survive.

"Do as you say, and you'll live." This quote has been uttered three time in this film. It is a rosy end to a frightful experience on a plane plagued with snakes. I can say that the genre of snake horror hasn't always been a favorite for many. However, when a Hollywood superstar is brought in for the ride, it can be a case where some aspects of this film can be taken seriously and solidly. It's not overall bad, just cheesy and cliched. Coincidences are the usual case, but the scenery can convince one that this is a movie worth remembering. It has moments which are rife in B-movies, but this one stands as one to be archived in households.

Kung Fu Panda (2008)

2015-06-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Dreamworks has finally delivered a theatrical masterpiece the same year it released a more mediocre Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. If you love kung fu fighting but do not expect to see humans in the role, you will want to watch this. Kung fu adventures with adrenaline-rushing action scenes and blatant defiance of the laws of physics, humor, chemistry and the progression of a character doubted to fulfill the vision of a "dragon warrior", cement this movie's place above other movies of the past based on the same genre. What must also be a significant merit is the artwork devoted to giving China such beauty that one would be encouraged by the cultural heritage of the country itself.

Before the main scene, we watch a sequence of artistic awe from the studio logo to a dream sequence of the titular character himself, adapted from Chinese art. The titular character himself is Po, voiced by Jack Black. I would think that Jack pulls his vocal performance with such enthusiasm that it fits the panda who dreams of becoming a kung fu master. The hand-drawn animation coupled with Jack's voice elevates the soul and spirit of anyone who watches, even to the point of a hysterical cliche of dream interruption by external voice. That is the moment that the hand-drawn dream sequence ends and the C.G.I. animation begins. The C.G.I. is so aesthetic that the panda himself looks so plush and crisp. It looks like a big step forward in quality.

Po's father is a goose, and nobody seems to ask. Po is a hardcore fan of the "Furious Five", which comprises of Crane (David Cross), Mantis (Seth Rogen), Monkey (Jackie Chan), Viper (Lucy Liu) and Tigress (Angelina Jolie). As I mentioned before, they perform unimaginable feats of defying the laws of physics, case typical of every kung fu movies. This is an exemplary scene of camera zooms to heighten the excitement already rife in an open-air arena. Tigress is voiced by "the most powerful actress in Hollywood", and this movie constantly gives us the impression that she is the Dragon Warrior even though Master Oogway (Randall Duk Kim) announces Po as one. Once Po is announced as the Dragon Warrior, it causes a stir, obviously because of his lack of skills and poor image and his over-enthusiasm but lack of focus.

So the plot of the movie is that Master Oogway announces the presence of the Dragon Warrior. Tai Lung is in prison but later breaks out to wreck vengeance on the village and reclaim his scroll. Po is "accidentally" chosen as the dragon warrior but is ridiculed for his aforementioned personalities. Master Shi-Fu plots to pressure him in order to force him to quit, which almost succeeds but fails because Po is more than determined to fulfill his dream rather than live a life of mediocrity. Po shows that he would rather fulfill his dream than follow his adoptive father's dream of having Po mtake over his noodle restaurant.

The genius behind this movie must have spent considerable amount of time researching the Chinese culture, without throwing in stereotypes that would incense the wider audience. The animation elevates the quality of the architecture and artwork in every picture, including the Jade Palace. From bright fireworks to explosives, the picture quality is nothing but artistically appealing.

A formula to an epic movie is to build characters. Vocal quality and story arc are crucial to making a character worthy of care. We often acknowledge some characters deserve sympathy for their back-story, even the villain. Tai Lung is a villain voiced by someone who has looked into the soul of a villain and brought it out through his voice. Tai Lung's story goes this way: he believes he should have been the dragon warrior, but Oogway saw darkness in him and denied him the scroll. This denial was validated by Tai's rage and force, which Oogway successfully subjugated. It can be true that fighting fire with fire is not the true measure to defeating a villain, but to extinguish his aura, as demonstrated by Ooway himself. If you have seen past kung fu films, you will agree that this works.

You will notice something odd about the characters: not all of them are given proper names. We have "Po", "Tai Lung", "Shi-Fu" and "Oogway", but the characters named after the animals they are, are not given definite names. Shi-Fu named the snow leopard with a proper name, but not the other characters.

There are many action scenes coupled with impressive C.G.I. and camera angles: the arena choreography, the prison break, the suspension bridge assault, the training sessions, Tai Lung vs. Shi-Fu, Po vs. Shi-Fu. The build-up is so intense that it is in an order of development. There are also comical scenes, such as the firework-propelled chair, the dojo pinball, and the stairs. One character who everyone under-appreciates for his personality, transcends through these scenes in order to become what he has always dreamed of. A panda such as himself lives up to the title of the film.

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machine (2003)

2015-06-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

This is the only installment where the iconic score does not play during the opening scene.

James Cameron did not direct this film, Jonathan Mostow did. One thing many have in mind is that this film lacked the thrills and gem of the previous two movies. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) is absent; Dr. Silbermann plays a cameo; John Connor (Nick Stahl) is a vagrant, living in destitution due to fear of being located even though he assures himself that Judgment Day is a reality-cum-myth.

It was assured that they stopped Judgment Day. However, in this year computers around the world, civilian and military, have been compromised. Nobody can live their lives as normal because televisions, cash dispensers, and even scanners are defective. John's nightmare is about to come true, thus his disconnection from the main grid: no address, no home, no vision, no friends or family of his own. It turns out that John was in the eight grade when he disappeared, meaning he was at least thirteen in the year 1997.

I think this movie is worth it because a female terminator has been sent back in time to undertake an assignment. A little trivium here is that this is the only movie in the series where T-800 appears in the past after his adversary. With that aside, it is an eye candy to see a female in the nude before a male shows up. But one thing still makes no sense: just like the last movie, this movie still does not compensate for the plot hole regarding the time field: if the time field could sustain non-living tissue as well as living tissue, why would the subjects still travel in the nude? However regarding the female, that discrepancy can be ignored.

Many will notice that this film goes to certain extremes to ensure that it attracts a younger audience, even with seedy innuendos coming from the female terminator, called a Terminatrix (which sounds like a portmanteau of Terminator and Dominatrix). Even the introduction of T-800 is a lot cheesier since his last entrance in the previous movie, Terminator 2. He makes his appearance at a less convenient time: at a ladies' night in a certain pub. Now that has to be the most embarrassing timing for a machine who has not even grasped human emotions yet. This is accompanied with very detailed scans of what to wear, even of what is visually inappropriate for a man! This is PG-13/12A material? This is kind of clunky and bewildering since the last two movies are R/15 material.

The Terminatrix (abbreviated to T-X) is a fusion of a T-101 and a T-1000. She can manipulate other machines with nanotechnology and possesses an arsenal of electric cannons, a flamethrower, cutting and stabbing weapons. She has several targets on her list, including one Katherine Brewster (Claire Danes). Several murders are undertaken by her, yet no calls were made to the police since the network is under siege. And if she can use electric cannons, I do not see why she would resort to a conventional firearm.

One other issue to withstand for the first half-hour of this film is Katherine's constant howling and barking. She has been "kidnapped" and shows little cooperation. If that's irritating enough, then it might be a good time to cover your ears. She makes Sarah Connor sound tamer by comparison. Speaking of her, she happens to recognize John Connor, even after almost a decade! In fact, coincidences are so rife in this movie that it was harder to notice them in the last two movies.

I would not forget the tradition of car chases. The car chases in the last two movies were tamer compared to this. Here it is ultimate overkill: one van, several police cars, a crane and even a fire truck are dragged into this orgy of destruction and endangerment of human lives. One second of it is either unintentionally hilarious or grossly heinous because had a child been involved, that would have been controversial. This chase was also also adopted into The Matrix: Reloaded, which was released the same year. The main difference is that that took place halfway into the movie on a highway, while here it happens after almost half an hour, This is where the pacing is sporadic. And you may also find some shots are carbon copies of the last time T-1000 took over a semi to pursue young John Connor.

Machines are rising and taking orders from a self-aware program. John Connor is more than determined to prevent Judgment Day, even if he has been repeatedly told that it was just postponed and is inevitable. No matter what, the fate of humanity has been sealed. A nuclear war is unleashed and the world is at the mercy of the same machines they created to protect. While the nightmare is being realized, we have to sit through endless exposition and long car journeys. Director Jonathan Mostow directs a sequel for a younger generation who might as well search for the earlier installments that spawned it all and solidified James Cameron's position as one of the critically acclaimed directors of Hollywood.

Ted (2012)

2015-06-25T05:30:00.002-07:00

Why exactly would anyone enjoy this movie? The realities of adults, the deal with growing up and moving on. There are many people who value their childhood so badly that they find it so hard to let go. John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) is no exception: his best friend has always been a teddy bear which magically comes to life even in a world of realities. This teddy bear is just like a teddy bear from a Toy Story movie, except it has a personality of Family Guy's Pete Griffin because he is voiced by the same person who voices him, Seth MacFarlane. So crude humor and reality check are the themes of the movie.

So the beginning of the movie prior to the credits is accompanied with a narration which is typical of any Christmas story or any magical fairy tale. As it shows, young John Bennett is not so good with kids of the neighborhood; friendless and rejected. He longs to have a friend and when he receives a teddy for Christmas, he is joyous and wishes for it to talk. When he does talk, it at first churns horror but later raises the spirits of many who witness this as a Christmas miracle. This phenomenon sweeps the media and creates euphoria like wildfire. The reaction is hilarious and everyone treats Ted as a celebrity. The narrator is not wholly typically child-friendly, for he delivers a quote that reflects the reality of celebrity: it never lasts forever. It becomes a fad which dies down after some time, and Ted ends up as an everyday individual.

John has a girlfriend named Lori (Mila Kunis), yet he still lets Ted interfere with their relationship. The last straw is drawn when Ted invites several hookers to Lori's apartment, one of whom makes a horrid mess on the carpet. Unsurprisingly I initiates hilariously heated disgust and horror from Lori, with her having to clean up the mess while John watches. It is pretty evident that John is still not man enough to do it for her, so much of a child that even Lori's boss, Rex, hits on her at work. Why else wouldn't he? John's a 35-year-old man-child who still affiliates with a teddy bear even when he is at work and never objects. Being a man he is not, Lori finds him obstinate.

You will notice that whenever John and Ted are sharing screen time together, there are frequent instances of smoking from a bong and trading curses at each other. Normally I wouldn't see this as proper behavior, but what can I say?

John works in a car rental; Lori works for a large private corporation; Ted now works in a grocery store. Ted befriends a hot female, Tammy-Lynn who lives in Queens. Tammy-Lynn has issues with Lori because Lori condescends on Tammy-Lynn . Lori has indirectly shown herself to be snobbish and self-righteous. You could hate her for this, but she is more mature compared to John. In the meantime, a father and his son are just so obsessed with Ted that the father stalks him but not as frequent. His only makes his presence near the end of the movie, proving how dubious they are with their obsessive tendency.

This movie is full of humor you might as well find genuinely worthy of a laugh. Normally toilet humor is to be frowned at, but when someone erupts violently their reaction yields laughter from one who watches. But one scene where all that is amassed is in a scene where Sam Elliot (former actor of Flash Gordon) makes his appearance in Ted's apartment. It is surprising how Ted has invited so many people for a get-together, even if it is unclear how he knows them so well. If the evil bong wasn't enough, cocaine has to be the craze. However, it does not end there as they soon enrage their neighbor Wan Ming by breaking his wall and ruining his duck dinner. The animatronic duck and C.G.I.'ed talking teddy bear duck it out and that small confrontation alone is a compliment to the outburst from Ming himself. Genius writing to diversify on various devices instead of relying on one comical device is a merit this movie possesses to earn laughter from the audience.

Another hilarious scene is where John and ted argue over whose fault it was when Lori broke up with John. A fight ensues and the sound effects amplify the hilarity of the situation. It is a classic scene that must surely have the audience glued to the scene without distraction coming their way. A fight like this enables them to let the heat off, even if it does not escalate to murdering each other (well Ted is a soft toy, so he is more vulnerable to being torn apart).

When I think of Family Guy, I think crude, tasteless humor and blatant innuendo. This movie reinvents the vision of MacFarlane and churns out a reflection upon adulthood. A movie with a plot, whether solid or not, can look into itself and redirect its focus. John is a man and not a child, who soon realizes what he never had until it was gone. A C.G. teddy bear interacts with a full grown man in such a way it can be hard to understand how it could ever be achieved. It can a wonderful experience how characters can be sympathized with and how they look into themselves and try to rectify their predicaments.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

2015-06-24T07:06:00.003-07:00

James Cameron directs a sequel to its successful 1984 predecessor. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) has become a mother but ends up in a mental institute while her son ends up with foster parents. Skynet sends another terminator to finish the job, only this time it is T-1000 (Robert Patrick), a liquid metal cyborg capable of shape-shifting and forming solid metal weapons. The original terminator, T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger), has been reprogrammed to serve and protect John Connor (Edward Furlong), who is now a teenager.

If you ever love to see a way between the machines, this movie recaps the apocalypse illustrated in the first movie but adds enhanced visual effects to heighten the dark mood. All that was good is now toast; machines have overrun the world and T-800's are evermore present in the battlefields. Lasers are shot around and the electric sound effects accompany the flashing lights pulsating in the battle zones.

Robert Patrick plays a killer on the loose. Just like his predecessor from the previous film, he stalks and strikes without mercy--typical of a machine. He never speaks much and shape-shifts into characters played by other actors. So his role is just as easy as it was for Arnold. However, Arnold Schwarzenegger does more talking than before and this has to be difficult for an actor posing as a machine full of technological vocabulary. The deal with this is how robotic he has to execute his role, but just as before robotic is the nature of a cyborg.

Edward Furlong plays the role of a preteen with loose morals and a bad boy attitude. He feels neglected and wanting. Why not? His mother's a psycho and his father is non-existent. Sarah could have told him, but she acknowledged that this could alter history after what happened previously. I can vouch that a boy without a father is destined to fall short of his reason for existence. T-800 becomes John's protector, and more of a paternal figure. A kid has so much for him that despite the initial misunderstanding with a machine, he just feels compelled to bond with a man who is not really human, but fills in the void of an absent father. It is sad for a boy to grow up without a role model.

The biggest merit of this movie is the breakthrough in C.G.I. The T-1000 alternate form is given the treatment that marks the superior quality of the effect even in the year and decade when computers were still basic. This movie was released in the year 1991, yet the computer effects were so tremendous that nobody could ever mistake it as rudimentary. The shape-shifting effects are visually aesthetic and attention-grabbing to keep the audience awake and alert.

So if have this right, John Connor is 10 years old; Sarah is 29; the movie takes place in 1995, which is more than ten years after the events (in 1984). Yet John is still allowed to ride a motorcycle without attracting the police. And on that subject, the foster parents don't even do the job of taking hold of his vehicle until legal age. Wow. The laws must have been either lax or just non-existent, even though he is still too young to drive! I have always imagined him to be 13 years old, so there is obviously some kind of typo in this screen. If that's the case, then this movie is set in 1997, not 1995.

What a twist. Sarah has been too near Kyle Reece and now has turned ballistic like him. Reece went mad over the Terminator; this time Sarah goes mad over the supposedly emerging "Judgment Day". At least her own tirade is not as painful as Kyle's.

There are tons of Pepsi product placement in this film: neon lights, cans and vending machines alone. James Cameron must be a fan of the Pepsi merchandise.

You remember the last film where a suspenseful build-up was accompanied by slow motion and a change in the ominous music? They do it again for the scene where two machines are after the same target, giving the audience the impression that (if not for Sarah's prologue) both machines were after the same person, only for it to be clearly revealed who is the enemy and who is an ally.

Many viewers would question the concept of time travel. In the last movie, both Reece and T-800 were transported back in time without clothes or weapons because the field generated requires living human tissue but cannot sustain non-living or dead material. Since the terminator is surrounded in protoplasmic tissue which mimics human tissue, it can get through. However in this installment, T-800 is still surrounded in living tissue but the T-1000 is notably not. Yet somehow he can still generate the field to travel back in time like the T-800. It can be said that Skynet enhanced its technology to sustain both living and non-living matter, so why they are both unclothed is still elusive to the human comprehension.
The biggest headache is the time paradox: Kyle Reece is from the future; he impregnates Sarah who later delivers John Connor. If John sent Kyle to protect Sarah, how is it that Kyle hasn't already rewritten history? It is difficult to explain this without inducing mental stress, considering that the war had erupted prior to this time travel. I mean, John's dad was around before Reese, so it is questionable as to how the fabrics of time and space hasn't already been tampered with.

More car chases, explosions and police intervention accompany the trio of fighters. The T-1000 kills his leverages in order to accomplish its goal. The fight between machines in the present rages on for the fate of the future, and the intention of change the future suffices. A boy and his mother struggle to fight their worst fears: Sarah's is the fear of killing someone in order to alter history; John's is the fear of living without a paternal figure. And the saddest part is the ending when John's fear inevitably unfolds. It is a tragic ending that remains one of the most memorable scene to Cameron's masterpiece.

The Terminator (1984)

2015-06-24T05:02:00.003-07:00

It is a dark future: humanity has been incinerated in a nuclear fallout, perpetrated by the very machines they created to serve and protect. Skynet, the enemy AI behind this apocalypse, sends back a lone cyborg, human on the outside and machine on the inside, to eliminate the leader of the human resistance before his birth, by killing his mother. The human resistance fights back by sending back their own soldier to thwart the assassination attempt in order to preserve history. The fight between two soldiers to change or preserve the future unravels in the year 1984.

A sci-fi fantasy of its decade, The Terminator cemented Arnold Schwarzenegger's position as one of the most influential and memorable action movie stars of all time. The bulky beefcake of an actor takes his stance as a machine with no emotion whatsoever. So it is little wonder that his wooden acting and almost muted dialogue suits him as a terminator. His expressionless face and rigid posture defines the attributes of a machine sent to kill, a machine that never breaches protocols when sent back in time to kill the one who could offset the outcome of the war in the future.

The visual effects and set design must have an impact on one's memory. An apocalypse is characterized by skulls and machines, flying and tank-like. They shoot lasers at human targets, thanks to the technology that has stepped up at the time to look convincing and appealing to sci-fi fans. C.G.I. was not available and even if it was, it was not a reliable option for this movie; hence prop designs and models were the option to work with. Stop motion is the effect that gives the authenticity to the exoskeleton in the climax, even if it is not so perfect. I also must give ample credit for the sound effects and visuals for the time travel that occurs. By today's standard it's dated; back then it was eye-catching. However, many scenes of the future contain flashing images; anyone prone to epilepsy should skip these scenes.

What I can gather is that the cyborg has no complete knowledge of the prime target, Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), due to the loss of records during the war. The internet was invented in the 1980's but was not available to the public until the 1990's; so how Skynet lost the records is beyond me. As a result, the Terminator resorts to using a phone book to track down its target. What would be surprising is that the intended Sarah has no middle name while every other Sarah has one. However, once "Sarah Louise Connor" and "Sarah Ginger Connor" are mentioned, it does beg the question how they ended up the unintended targets when she clearly was not listed in the same phone book. Either way, the assassin is dubbed the "phone book killer" and it becomes too dangerous for a lone woman to be out at this time of night.

The movie builds up to the point where the final Sarah is open for target but is saved by a hair's breadth by Kyle Reece (Michael Biehn). The only reason it successfully located her is because of her student ID card lying in Ginger's apartment. No records were available for it to identify the target hence his pointless spree. Her location was also revealed due to her timely phone call from a nightclub called "Tech Noir" via answering machine. Coincidence is rife in this movie but it was there for a reason: if the terminator complete its mission, what else does it have in mind? In the modern era, coincidence is typical of weak writing and lack of ideas; however, considering this scenario, it is not.

Speaking of the build-up, this scene is accompanied by slow motion, ominous music, and a gradual rise in heartbeat. The music changes from the techno beat to the movie soundtrack in which all is lost and the machine is all but successful. Then the action and mayhem erupts! Gunshots flare and several escaping revelers are caught in the crossfire.

Every time I watch the interrogation scene at the police station, I just cringe at the very sight of Reece going ballistic. After answering the question relating to the recent debacle, he flips and I mean flip like a psychopath. I am sure Linda herself was shocked at his sudden outburst as I was. It is highly valid that this is a typical case of a shell-shocked soldier: a mercenary from a dark future suddenly splits after exposure to the war against the machines. This would make him intimidating in emotion compared to the machine on the hunt.

The only downside is the sex scene. If it ever takes place I would more than quickly turn away and mute just waiting for it to end. It seems out of place and could have happened in the dark instead of sufficient lighting. Thankfully it's short and contracted.

If you love car chases, machines crushing their human adversaries, time travel, computerized first-person views, gun play and war, never forget the classic that still rages on in the modern day. This is one action movie one actor is remembered for even if he ages. This is also a must-see for anyone with a nostalgia for the 1980's. Anyone who wants to ask themselves what a machine is destined for once its mission objective has been met, can see why it is more than necessary to destroy the machine assigned to terminate.

DOA: Dead Or Alive (2006)

2015-06-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Ever remember fighting video games that were the rave? Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter and Double Dragon have had their share in the market and that was when Hollywood stepped in and bashed their images without mercy. The three were also common for their predominantly masculine characters and fewer females. On the other hand, DOA: Dead Or Alive is reversed: predominantly female with fewer males. Just like the aforementioned franchises, DOA was also subjected to merciless thrashing by Hollywood, and I am going to find out how then reception turned unsurprisingly negative.

It is the usual tradition for the Resident Evil movies to bill four logos of the studios responsible for them: Universal, Constantin Film, Impact Pictures, VIP Media. This one follows suit. So after that sequence, we look into the setting for the movie, and one big problem has already sufficed: cheesy C.G.'ed landscape. I mean, even the graphics on Sega Mega Drive let alone Dreamcast and Sony PlayStation were superior to this. Then there are the two Japanese characters, Princess Kasumi and Ryu Hayabusa, and their dialogue is so hard to describe that I may as well as call it "the battle of metaphors". Then she storms out of the castle, revealing a horde of ninjas with bandanas of purple and white. Is this Kasumi's idea or something? How can ninjas or samurai be taken seriously?

So Ayane pledges her servitude to Kasumi but threatens death if she leaves the clan. But the strangest thing in this scene is that nobody kneels when Kasumi stands before them but does so only after Ryu does. These have to be the least convincing servants in any movie. And just when you thought this insanity couldn't progress, Kasumi hurls her katana as if defying the laws of physics. It glides straight through the aid without falling midway; it even sustains her weight when she jumps on it like a diving board. Explain that! Worse, she deploys a hang-glider and a boomerang happens to run into her and she catches it without losing her fingers or it tearing the apparatus. So in roughly three minutes, this turns into an Uwe Boll movie where the laws of physics are swept aside, dialogue sounds so watered down, and the camera shots vibrate. That's Kasumi's introductory story.

Okay, we are now in the South China Sea (thanks for the location). We have a another lead character, Tina. More problems arise: first, she is tired of being fake yet the irony is she speaks with what I'm solidly convinced is a fake southern accent. Second, the camera work to emulate her exercise routine. Third, her fight moves obviously do little damage on the pirates who appear to just throw themselves off instead of being beaten off the boat. These pirates are good with guns but can't lay waste to one woman who repeatedly calls herself a fake wrestler. What does that even mean? But let's finish her introduction with the same stupidity of a boomerang flying out of nowhere.

So after that tirade of headache injury, we find a scene in Hong Kong which mostly has to disappoint many male fans with high testosterone. This is something they would call a "cocktease scene", in which we are supposed to be turned on by a woman (Christie, in this case) in a shower but do not see her complete beauty. Only the cops seem to enjoy this scene, I do not. When she foils the cops, this pain-in-the-head editing is employed to further my anguish: she is topless yet the power of rapid cuts heightens the frustration of being turned on and off. I'm pretty sure digital technology was employed here to make the towel and bra change shape for convenience. One scene was edited to aggravate the male sex rather than make up for the silliness from earlier.

How saucy. She runs out of the hotel in her underwear (Victoria's Secret product placement, perhaps?) and finds a gentleman in an overcoat. Now this scene too has to aggravate me: she manages to steal his stuff and stuff him into a suitcase without him making so much noise, just in a very small margin of time of less than four minutes. A scuffle would have unraveled, yet this visually impossible task was made to look so easy! More, she even steals a motorcycle without having ignited it with a key. Lastly is the same trick in which a boomerang of the same type, lodges into the windshield without cleaving her face.

So for each introduction, there have been rapid editing, cheesy visual effects, and fight moves that look so poor and disengaging that we might have well just skipped all that to the main event.

This is Tina's father. I'm not going lie, this is wholly unconvincing because he looks more like her elder brother unless he was fourteen when she was born.

So everyone else whose introductory scenes were not filmed or made was invited to DOA. Another problem I had just discovered is the obvious continuity: Max was sitting down when Christie was facing him. Suddenly she's behind him and eventually she's in front of him again. That's cheesy editing for you and poor directing.

So let me sum this up. Throughout this movie, we have fight scenes coupled with sporadic editing, characters who might as well just bite the dust in any fight that they wind up in, elementary C.G.I., crude blue screen effects and principal photography, and, worst of all, sensual cock-teasing. This movie is a hit-and-miss from living up to its video game source material and offends many fans for the tainting of the lovable characters and fighting skills that made the game popular.

So what is the plot in the movie? Everyone has been invited for the best at their fighting skills to a Dead Or Alive (DOA) tournament, the winner of which will receive a grand prize of $10 million. Kasumi is on a search for her brother who was last contesting in the tournament the previous year but has been assumed dead without any solid proof. Ayane, Kasumi's servant, has turned into her assassin to restore the honor of the clan. Some dark secrets behind Dr. Victor Donovan governing the tournament and what happened to Helena's father, Fame Douglas, gradually suffice. (Gee, doesn't that remind you of Dr. Victor Von Doom of the Fantastic 4? And who the hell would name themselves "Fame" unless the were abnormally so full of themselves?)

There is something about this who set-up that attracts my undue attention. This tournament was turned into an actual video game, as if the company was trying to promote their release. The parameters for tournament look like they were lifted directly from the game itself. One question is, who is manning the camera without crossing paths with the contestants?

OK. So there are cameras everywhere, but the computer noted that the "fight can take place anytime, anywhere." So that still begs the question because many of the camera are fixed so cannot capture the action everywhere.

Kasumi has a flashback where she was kidnapped and rescued by her brother, Hayate. It was already stated that if she ever left the clan, she would be killed (she becomes a shinobi, an outcast). So this should not be first time, right? If they both left the clan prior to the present, they would not be allowed back without facing the ax.

So let's see, other than the three fatal females, we have Hayabusa, Hayate, Ayane, Armstrong, Max, Zack, Leon, Helena, Bayman and Weatherby, to mention but a few.

Zack is one black stereotype who I really want out of this tournament. A wisecrack Tecmo version of Mortal Kombat's Johnny Cage, he hits on Tina even after ridiculing her on the plane earlier for labeling her wrestling motif as amateurish. If anyone was expecting this bozo to bite the dust, that one moment is squandered when Leon is thrown out of the fight zone and plummets into the pool instead of Zack.

Kasumi is uptight, determined and stern. She is a Tecmo knockoff of Mortal Kombat's Sonya Blade. As I have mentioned, she was so not willing to be downtrodden by the repressive regime of her clan so that she could search for her brother. If I am certain, she also has a similar persona to Mortal Kombat's Liu Kang, who focused on avenging his brother's death at the hands of his for Tseng Sung.

With all this noted down, I think there is a similarity between Mortal Kombat (1995) and this DOA movie, not that I can say there are similarities between their video game sources.

You know that cliche where a couple are caressing in bed but are wildly interrupted when a fight breaks into their bed? That cliche has now become more commonplace. Also during the entire scene, I have already made mention of shaky camera movements and sporadic editing, which are now also accompanied by unconventional sound effects like gun-cocking and air-piercing. This trait is prevalent throughout this movie and with all the fights littered throughout this movie, I could never even grasp the existence of the plot.

So let's see. A fight between Leon and Kasumi lasts around two minutes 20 seconds of film run time, yet a fight between Bayman and Max barely lasts around 20 seconds. How pathetic that Max and Kasumi each defeat a heavyweight behemoth as if they were just sissies under that bravado. Max merely flipped his shoes at Bayman--one into his crotch, another into his head before falling into a statue which blanks him out. Bayman is all brawn, no brain while Max is all brain, no brawn.

So that was day one. Day two is next, and Tina fights her daddy. She winds easily, only because her dad is heavier than her and cannot sustain his weight on a raft.

This has to be the iconic scene that made it from the games. Four bikini-clad females play volleyball to pass the time from all that brutality. This truly warms my blood as a sensual instrument that keeps me engaged.

Reminder. The rest of the plot has been shoehorned. The dark secrets of Donovan's empire have been discovered, in which he "downloads" the data of every fighter participating in the tournament. What makes even less sense is that every one who paid in advance receives the downloads. I cannot help but think that this does confirm my deduction into the deal with this scheme. This tournament involves this video game industry scenario, where we learn that they are corrupt and full of dirt. If this plot makes little sense, then this movie deserves to be ridiculed if not for the beauties in bikini. .

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 3: Dog Days (2012)

2015-06-22T06:24:00.001-07:00

Greg Heffley is back for the third time, and things seem to be the same as before. However, this time a majority of the movie takes place during the summer holiday and Greg seems to have plans to spend it. This is one movie that showcases a typical teenager's plan to spend his or her vacation, mostly indoors and negligent of their own health. Just like the last movies, this one boils down to a non-existent plot and uninspired writing even a child could not even devise. And by the way, the visuals department must be so in love with primary colors: first red, then blue and now yellow.

Okay, this has to be creepy. They tried it in the previous movie and now they do this again, without thinking if this will creep out the kids and adults alike. Thank goodness it was never attempted in the first film.

One minute into this film and something else more disturbing has to suffice. Greg and his family visit a public swimming pool for recreation. Greg adheres to the best advice Roderick has to offer: "Remember. Move fast and keep your eyes down." Isn't this what children were expecting? A gross scene of grown men and teenagers in the changing room, hairy and hairless. I wouldn't even compile a photo of that for this blog. This scene alone is worth cutting from this film. If Susan had three daughters, this scene would be worth savoring in the movie.

So it is time to watch a mass of sun-seekers to frolic in the pool, after that disturbing minute in the changing room.

Gee, doesn't this look familiar? Reminds you of one other movie, Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief (2010). I mean, this has to be the calmest zone to sink into.

Speaking of Roderick, that guy has never learned his lesson from the last movie. He plays his music so loud that it is worthy of being sanctioned for causing disturbance in a peaceful environment. He has to reassess himself if he ever wants to be a hit with girls of his age.

It has been the usual habit of the three movies for the title card to actually appear after a sequence of events showing Greg's trial and tribulation. That's completely pointless seeing how he seems to think about passing the wrong message to children and teenagers alike. In this case, he thinks it is wrong to enjoy summer in the outdoors where nature offers its best to sustain human development, and instead sitting in front of the TV playing video games non-stop is the way to go. I'm sure all teenagers are like this in the modern world, but I would be hypocritical.

\In this movie it is now about spending more time with his father instead of with his brothers, particularly Roderick. Greg and his father Frank have nothing in common and so wouldn't spend the vacation to the maximum. However that is not the only plot point in this movie: just like the last movie, Greg still has to make a connection with Holly.

Did I somewhat forget to mention that Karan Brar and Peyton List appeared in the same Disney sitcom Jessie? This is the second movie where they both appear together.

This kid has the usual habit of talking aloud to himself--too soon. This is a classic case of thinking he knows more than others when in fact he just slapped himself silly. He thought no one brought their books to school when in fact they did. Although I do have to agree: the pupils were moaning as if they were not expecting this, yet they were prepared for it in the first place. Did they learn of Greg's ego throughout their years in the same class so that they would play this prank on him? I guess so. Greg's ego is as big as his head.

This freak here Fregley has a strong affiliation for owls. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns into the Nite Owl from Watchmen (2009). But seriously, who brings a stuffed owl to class yet alone to school? I can understand toy day, but this? I wouldn't think this is normal at all.

I may be British but I wouldn't actually conclude that this is how American schoolkids swarm the hallways after the last day in school. This movie is probably berating schoolkids the wrong way. There is obvious continuity error: the stampede was very dense, but near the exit the stampede suddenly dispersed.

I don't know which ones worse: his elder loser brother, his embarrassingly overactive father, or overly protective mother at the school front in the presence of scores of children.

Are you kidding me??!! Not only did the three title cards receive primary colors but three kids each wears a primary colored shirt, in the exact order of the films in this series. The director must have been in love with primary colors.

As if his constant monologue wasn't enough to endure, his message is repeated for this scene. He reiterates that outdoor exercise is a bad idea as opposed to indoor video-gaming. He thinks he can deceive everyone who has already observed his unwholesome routines.

This is one blatant cliche of a character who spends ample time playing role-playing games in darkness to react like the monsters within the game with such aversion to daylight that they hiss. This is a not-so-subtle message that video games are bad for you, especially R.P.Gs. Talk about self-contradictory messaging. And Roderick seems to have the same habit from the last movie to lie around perpetually without a thought of what to do for the summer to reinvent himself.

Seriously? Greg has an X-Box yet the game he is playing has graphics that resemble the graphics on PlayStation 1 and 2 in today's standards? Okay, given that this is an X-Box and not its successor X-Box 360, I think I would allow that. But checking online, I have discovered that wireless controllers were not available for the X-Box; so what is this system anyway?

Frank Heffley (Steve Zahn) is characteristic for overacting. Anytime he oversteps the mark, his eyes must surely pop out of his sockets as if possessed. And the TV just go blank after pulling the AV adapter? That doesn't work: he has to pull the power socket before that can happen.

Susan has a pep talk with her man-child husband of hers. This dialogue sounds like a rehash from earlier on; recycled if I must say.

Okay so after all that Greg and Frank try to go on one fishing trip, which doesn't go so well. Greg is evidently not the outdoor type when it emerges he is agitated by the sight of worms. Abnormal as it sounds, he acts like he hasn't seen earthworms in his life! What sort of kid is this?

As if time with his father wasn't unsavory for him, his time with his mother wasn't any better. Should I point out that Susan has no time for friends of her own to share on literature? It is expected that she should spend time with those who are more than bothered to read books that have no pictures and are oriented to the older minds. When Rowley mentions his vacation, Greg has no other option than to accept his invitation.

Inasmuch as I would find this tedious for a teenager, I would find this recreational pastime worth involving myself in in order to spend more time during the summer. Yet Greg seems so introverted towards his father's activities that the video game console seems to be the only thing he devotes his time to, as if it were his idol.

Let me just jump to the point. Right now Greg finds Holly Hills and, to his worst nightmare, Patty Farrell. Greg still never learns the meaning of honesty when he claims to think Wii Virtual Tennis is the same as real tennis. Rowley is the only one who cares to be more open, but not Greg. But if you thought that was revolting, that was just the beginning. Greg continues to make the most unbelievable lie in the movie series: he claims to have found work at the country club of which the Jeffersons are members. 'Greg finds paid employment at a country club? I smell a rat' doesn't ring any bells at all. A minor is actually employed? That sounds fishy. Yet this does not immediately arouse suspicion. By the way, is it really that difficult to actually play tennis? It isn't as difficult as striking a baseball with the bat!

I know what you are thinking: why is the movie subtitled Dog Days? It has been over thirty-one minutes and there has not been one mention of a dog. Couldn't the studio devise a better subtitle, or just none at all? Even if the Heffleys bought a dog, it wouldn't play much importance in this movie as if it were building up for the emergence of an important character or event. In fact, the dog isn't even an important character in this movie at all, so why would I even waste time talking about it?

Roderick isn't short of suspicion over Greg's deceit and uses that as leverage to sneak into the country club without invitation. In the meantime, he wants to make a connection with Heather Hills, Holly's sister.Is it me or do the Hills have an affiliation with alliterations with the letter 'h'? Heather is a stuck-up, self-centered sixteen-year-old with an ego as hot and intense as the earth's core. Her appearance further degrades 16-year-old girls as such with bad behaviors.

Okay, there is one sub-scene where Roderick fakes his drowning in order to attract the attention of the obnoxious Heather Hills. But while she is busy hacking off a young London Tipton lookalike little girl, Roderick is subjected to a mouth-to-mouth from a grown man. I would have that scene deleted due to obviously disturbing visuals. Poor Roderick.

What kind of cell phone is this?! I'm the only one who constantly thinks the Heffley parents are the weirdest couple on the planet, aren't I? They can afford an X-Box system but do not fork out for a real cell phone? I'm beginning to wonder if fate has been so cruel to him all this time, even if it has always been so cruel to him from the beginning.

So Greg goes on vacation with the Jeffersons. I would think this as his alternative to languishing with his own family but soon it turns out it is more discomforting spending time with the Jeffersons under the same roof, in the car or on an outing. So who's weirder: the Jeffersons or the Heffleys? Take your pick.

OK. I'm not going to spare you anything here: the Jeffersons lick from the same ice cream cone in turns. WHO DOES THAT!!!??? Better skip this scene!

Well the only upside to this vacation is a visit to this theme park, generically called "Amusement Land".

But aside from the visit in the amusement park, Greg has to endure continual "anguish" from the Jeffersons. Looks like the blanket has been pulled up when Mr. Jefferson finds out for himself. No more vacationing with them anytime soon, Greg.

Looks like Mr. Heffley here has just subjected himself to unnecessary torture by walking around in the gayest pair of trunks to ever exist. I mean seriously, this is the third time I have had to ask myself who manufactures fictitious merchandise of this kind even in this make-belief universe. There were towels available for him yet he subjugates himself like a total pushover. How did this happen? The high diving board incident: afraid of heights he lost focus and ended up losing his trunks on the edge which was inevitably torn off. Need I go on? I don't think so.

Initially they had nothing in common. But when their dog gets them into a pickle, that's when the whole idea changes. Remember that worn-out blanket they nicknamed "little teenie"? It belongs to Manny and regardless of its state it must never be disposed of. but the only way to retrieve it is to lure the dog "Sweetie" (misspelled "Sweatie" by Roderick) with a pot roast, which only complicates matters. Yes, apparently dog saliva heightens the taste and texture of pot roast, even if it sounds extremely gross.

I just want to get to the very end of the movie where Roderick makes so much of a fool out of himself and his trashy band at Heather Hills' "sweet sixteen" after her DJ abruptly cancels on her. I just hope that if his debacle in the last movie meant nothing to him, then this one wouldn't even if he was videotaped for YouTube. But sadly I have to wait much longer for more antics during the camping trip. This trip is the only opportunity for Greg to convince his father to reconsider his decision to send him to Spag Union Preparatory School. But the best thing to note is that several supporting characters, especially Fregley, who always made frequent presence in the last two movies are reduced to infrequent presence in this movie. In this camping experience, at least the kids congregate to disgrace some drill sergeant who discredits Frank Heffley. The humor is juvenile but is intended to disgrace the bully.

Finally we reach the 1:18:35 mark where Roderick showcases his utter self-disrespect at Heather Hills' sweet sixteen. You're in for that treat, one that renders the last one tamer. As I have already mentioned, Heather is so arrogant that she makes the ceremony all about her and no one else, yet negates herself but denounces others as selfish. One thing I had always had to endure is one bad thing that churns out something even worse, and this scene alone churns out two of the worst characters ever. Roderick and Heather were just meant to be. Everyone gazes in disbelief, and no one is seen holding a camera to video record the craziness for YouTube. Roderick goes insane onstage and wrecks the scenery for the sake of trying to impress his love interest. I wouldn't even show my face in public if I were the idiot with the mic! This is one epic disaster! Both for the best and the worst.

I am just relieved that this movie is the third and final installment of the franchise. As I have already pointed out, this is meant for kids, who experience typical hurdles of summer vacations and family bonding. As for adults, it's just messy and chaotic. Even with a horde of child actors, this movie at least shows how some are just poor while others are solidly convincing. I wouldn't recommending it for adults, but it would suit any child who needs an idea of a blissful vacation.

Baby's Day Out (1994)

2015-06-21T14:58:00.002-07:00

Can anyone ever withstand a story of a baby who is kidnapped by possibly the dumbest and most inept gang of crooks in New York City? Anyone with a soul surely has to drink to stupor to watch this travesty to numb the pain in their heart and head. Who can ever find this movie funny? Has anyone ever watched a cartoon and thought of the realities behind the dangers that translated into the real world? I don't think the director or screenwriter ever took any of that into consideration from the beginning. They thought that if cartoons were the rave, live action movies could benefit from the insanity as well.
John Hughes has been synonymous with slapstick, crotch jokes, disregard for health and safety and pitfalls, comedic devices that range from pain and hilarity from such. This is the comedic genius who often never learns the meaning of jumping the shark or pushing it. This is a man who pushes aside substance and charm in favor of overtly sick pleasures and self-satisfaction. He is clearly the type who tries to turn cartoons into live action, which even a toddler is aware is painful.

00:00 - 02:47

The opening credits are embedded with a book, one which is clearly custom-made for this movie alone; thus this movie is not based on any source material.

02:47 - 12:47

The only distraction to this movie is the adorable baby boy himself. Unfortunately his adorableness is drawn away to his godawful-looking mother, and I swear she looks as if she knew this movie was going to tank. She just shows poor composure and gazes dreadfully at her baby. Gosh! She looks like a defective animatronic Muppet, and that's saying something. She is reading this book to her boy, and I wish I was lying, the boy can understand the story very well. He isn't up to one year of age and he seems so drawn to the story so deeply. But don't forget the father: he too looks so indifferent that I myself couldn't care less about him whatsoever.

Something's wrong as we can see here. The father intends to hire a photographer to showcase his son in the media. Coincidentally the very studio he intends to hire is being mobbed by a gang of child abductors who switch their identities. The baby boy is named Bennington Austin Cotwell IV. He is a child to a rich couple, and has been short-listed for ransom.

I am just glad that there are three other grown-ups to look after the baby, but the tragedy is that when the man of the house leaves the women here act irresponsibly in front of Benny, like a baby! Throwing clothes onto the ground proves how mannerly and mature you two grown women are! I;'m sure if he can read a book he can memorize your messy habit. And to add more insult to injury, they fail to check the house for any lose windows or doors, or check if they had ever booked an appointment for a photography session prior to Mr. Cotwell's departure. I mean, isn't this typical of a butler who works for a rich family whose child is prime target for kidnappers? If I can recall earlier, Mr. Cotwell did not inform anyone of this upcoming session yet the butler assumes that he did. How unprofessional.

And by the way, this movie presents the baby to be so intelligent that he kicks one of the crooks in the crotch. Ouch. Adorable but painful.

After that brief shot, I shall question myself as to whether these morons ever cared about a baby boy because despite their position as homeowners, they never object but comply with the request to leave the child alone with the frauds. They just stare blankly into space without saying a sounding no. I wouldn't ever leave my baby alone with complete strangers at all!!!

12:47 - 22:47

This is what they do: too idiotic to care for, I just couldn't even be bothered to know their names. They do not listen for the screeching tyres or the ruffling in the living room. What were they thinking??!! And when the do return to the living room, their reactions are so suppressed and bland that they do not show it whatsoever!! A baby boy has been abducted and yet they just stand there in gross indifference. What the f***!!!

Who writes like this? This is kindergarten collage art.

So these morons have to kidnap a baby up til midnight, and they can't even tender him. You have to admit, these guys just weren't equipped for this scenario at all. And by the way, you have to get used to the actors gazing awkwardly into the camera while doing so into the baby. It looks distorted and discomforting.

And speaking of discomforting, the baby is the only one enjoying the pain inflicted on these schmucks while the audience, who is expected to find this funny, is not. And if you thought a drop of hot milk wasn't enough, the two start hitting each other as if that wasn't painful enough. And it is also confirmed that they a illiterate, thus the collage ransom note. How can anybody take these knobheads seriously?

22:47 - 1:38:51

For the rest of the movie, it just boils down to child negligence and visually painful scenarios that any real human being can never enjoy as comedic. There are several cases where in a city of five million, any average Joe would ring an alarm when a child goes crawling around without adult supervision and is in unsafe territory. The baby seems to be the only intelligent character that makes us stare in awe but stare at the adults in admonishment. Dislikeable and indifferent characters in this movie who clearly look like vapors are worth chastising. And to turn a distressing situation into a comedic one has to be a gross mistake.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

2015-06-21T10:28:00.001-07:00

Mortal Kombat (1995) had its moments, yet it was a box office smash and subject to a mixed critical reception. It is open-ended and left audiences expecting something in the next installment. So we have a sequel to this video game movie, and it was atrocious. I had to find this movie and see for myself what an abomination it turned out to be.

If you thought Street Fighter (1994) was a joke, then you would be wrong because Annihilation is the ultimate kick-in-the teeth. There is just about everything wrong with it: dialogue, acting, visual effects, plot, writing, fight scenes, choreography, costumes, and even the controversial recast of lead characters. That's right, Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade and Rayden are played by different actors from the previous installment, even though this is a direct sequel instead of a standalone sequel. Linden Ashby, Christopher Lambert and Bridgette Wilson are replaced by Chris Conrad, James Remar and Sandra Hess respectively; yet Johnny Cage (now played by Conrad) is killed off sooner before the movie even begins. And as you expect from this unexpected turn of events, different actors possess very different personalities.

I just cannot even understand the story. With that aside, I will tell you another flaw with this movie: the appearance of several characters without explanation, such as Jax. He makes his presence in this film without events explaining how he is dragged in in the first place. As if that too is not enough, there are fight scenes that occur for no reason whatsoever. The enemies are never explained to be affiliated or not to the main villain, they just attack at random. But most of these scenes are badly choreographed and are just sporadically edited to look better when they do not.

Speaking of the script, I assure you that there is so much goofiness in this movie that it all renders some moments unintentionally hilarious. As if Johnny Cage's wisecrack from the last movie was not enough, this movie offers very little wisecrack but yet endlessly laughable instances. Nobody in this movie can be taken seriously, and for a movie based on a video game several characters are reduced to cardboard cutouts, forgettable and weak. Such occurrence would only add more pain to the flick.

The deal with the fight scenes is that they all look as if the zip wires tangle and snag while the cameras role, just like the marionettes. Plus, jumping and leaping is too frequent for many of the scenes instead of the conventional fight moves distinct to the Mortal Kombat universe. In other words, it's more like ballet than combat.

The acting is beyond atrocious. The dialogue sounds like it was written by a primary school kid, not a professional. I mean, it can make you grimace or laugh unintentionally. I wonder if anybody was ever prepared for this movie at all.

So the portals are kept open because the Emperor, Shao Khan, has broken the rules of the tournament by resurrecting Princess Kitana's mother, Cyndell. Khan is merging two worlds together and must be defeated by the sixth day before the portals can be closed. There are two options for closing the portals: defeating Khan and breaking Cyndell's curse. This is too perplexing to digest. However, the heroes take so much time addressing the crisis they just walk around encountering one thing after another, throwing the viewer off course. In the meantime there is exposition that never seems to take a break. It is as if they turned this movie into an audiobook.

Here is one scene that caused such a stir: the return of Sub Zero and Scorpion. Sub Zero was killed in the last movie, but in this movie his brother makes an appearance, also named Sub Zero. I can understand the brother part, but there has been no crucial explanation why both have been named Sub Zero. Scorpion also reprises his role without any reason whatsoever, and that just upsets those who have not played the games up to that point.

Every time I look at this thing, I can't help it but laugh. This thing resembles a rejected design for the Predator alien from a different universe.

In the last movie the C.G.I. is dated, but not as rudimentary as it is in this movie. The CGI is so crude that the effects in Anaconda are superior. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Howard The Duck (1986), Young Sherlock Holmes (1985) and even Jurassic Park (1993) had better effects overall. This movie spent so much on the set and so little on the effects, script and actors. The visuals department should have focused on stop motion, which is far more realistic to this eyesore. I imagine that they saved tons of money by reusing the set from the last movie, yet the budget for this film is roughly twice the budget for the last one. So how did they falter so much?

How could the movie franchise do so well with one movie, only to misfire with the second movie? It does not appeal to fans and non-fans alike, it just squanders its own opportunity to succeed. everything in a sequel is just wrong, and this film has placed itself in one of those trends. It just angers everyone who watched the first movie who expected several improvements in this movie. It nonetheless ends the expectations and is closed-ended. This movie is undoubtedly one of the worst movies based on the video game franchises from the 1990s.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid (2004)

2015-06-21T09:45:00.001-07:00

Snake movies never were intended to be genuine horror movies where assorted characters turn out to be cardboard cutouts. A sequel, standalone or direct, just isn't worth it if not in demand in the first place. In fact, only a younger audience would be more than pleased to watch this cheesy flick unlike the older audience, especially after seven years. If I was 15 in 1997, by 2004 I would be roughly 22 and at this age I would not be thrilled or encapsulated in terror by the very sight of the monster snakes. So I would not even consider this worth my time.

The premise in the movie is that a group of scientists venture into the Borneo rainforest to collect a sample of blood orchids. They believe that its essence is key to prolonging youth and vitality. They pick the wrong time to do this because their expedition coincides with the rainy season, which also happens to be the breeding season for the, get this, anacondas. Anyone with a brain cell would never be oblivious to the fact that anacondas are native to south America, not south-east Asia. When this strikes the mind, nobody could ever take this movie seriously. If you think that this error isn't enough to destroy every expectation, try to sit more flaws.

The characters: I would be more than impatient with several of those who are not native to southern USA to fake the accent used there. Also, there are two black guys, one who is mature and another who is just so annoying that you wish he was just killed off. This one black guy is such a whelp that his whining is enough to attract several potential predators native to the rainforest. As with some horror B-movie, none of the characters are to be cared for but to be served up for the mayhem. Do I have to point out that these actors are more interested in their paycheck than in bumping up their acting? Their chemistry is a frequent misfire. And one special trivium: did you notice that not once female character has ever been devoured by the snakes, which are all male? It sounds like a typical male animal whose lust has just taken hold of its mental capacity.

The only star of this movie that deserves to be taken seriously is that monkey from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994), named Kong. Kong the monkey has his own adventures in the jungle, and stands out as a character who can show more genuine reactions and solid concerns to take his role seriously. I think this is the only reason to watch this movie. If not for him, I think I would just fall asleep.

The snakes in the movie are just laughable: the CGI is so cheap you would just accept that this movie is just a knockoff produced by a class in university for a pet project. I can't take this seriously because in the last movie at least there was more animatronics than CGI, and the animatronics themselves are more realistic than the CGI. Cheap CGI dissolves anybody's interest in the monsters in question.

But to this movie's credit, at least it does explain why anacondas grow abnormally large as was the case in the original movie, and also their behaviors. Unfortunately, seeing how this movie takes place in a different location I just wouldn't think this as a strong point.

A theatrical non-canonical sequel, not worth your time and money, is worth passing. I would just forget this movie existed and consider that some people who haven't watched the first movie would be more than intrigued by this movie, especially if they do not notice the recycling of plot points from the last movie. A snake movie with plenty of flaws does not count as a horror movie for adults but for children and preteens.

Race To Witch Mountain (2009)

2015-06-19T03:42:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know if the government is watching your every move? I do. This Disney movie revolves around the activities of the state regarding alien invasions and the presence of UFOs in our solar system. It is a sequel to a 1975 film Escape To Witch Mountain. Considering the time span, I would say that the studio was intent on bringing a movie back from the past for a newer generation who has heard nothing about it.

So we start off after the Disney logo, and anyone who is prone to epilepsy must shield their eyes. And to think that I would actually believe that the state would share delicate information regarding UFOs to the citizens. I can't even be sure newspapers would be capable of circulating sensitive information without intervention from the state. After that montage of government activity, we are taken to Las Vegas, where a sci-fi convention coincidentally takes place. You know, it is extremely convenient that a spaceship crash-lands near this very city where and when the alien convention is held.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays the main character, Jack Bruno, who is caught in the web of this mayhem. A former driver to a crime boss, he wants nothing more to do with the underworld yet the goons harass him in broad daylight. You know, I have reviewed several movies, and if there is a black SUV whoever is in it is up to no good. Yet somehow the police does not even smell a rat. Consider that this is a subplot that disappears even before it evolves.

Jack is a taxi driver, who accidentally finds himself picking a pair of teenagers. However, it becomes evident that these two are not really teens but aliens. Aliens with a personality of an AI and no human emotions, yet their names are Seth and Sarah. This does sound odd that they were well-prepared to acquire human names before encountering this driver in particular. I wouldn't even think of it as impulsive. And please, don't just keep on calling the guy "Jack Bruno" repeatedly; just call him "Jack".

Jack is narrow-minded; clearly not a sci-fi fan. He has no idea of how aliens can resemble any form except 'green with antennae'. I just think that he dismisses proof that comes to him even if he saw for himself their capabilities, which no human possesses. On the other hand, the aliens are equipped with philosophical exposition, which I think would define any person who has had a mediocre and unsavory life in the crime world since the age of sixteen. This is his calling for a better life where he is not involved in crime, even though his record stands as leverage.

There are some effects in this movie that are meant to be spectacular, but eventually the CGI would render this scene obviously fake. I remember the highway chase from The Matrix: Reloaded (2003) where an agent crushed a car and flipped it. This particular shot here was meant to be as impressive but is just more like a hit-and-miss. If that is not enough, the aliens are just like the X-Men characters, whose abilities comprise of inertia, telepathy and telekinesis.

There are plenty of characters drawn along the escapade. They serve only little to no purpose to this overall story except to provide comic relief. They add nothing else to the story and fade away into oblivion. There are some characters who are mentioned and never shown, thus begging the question whether there was any point of mentioning their names in the first place.

There is one adversary who has been assigned to target Seth and Sarah. Do I have to mention that he pays homage to either of The Terminator (1984), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) and Predator (1987)? He has been sent to destroy what the alien teens came to earth for: a biological sample to restore their heavily polluted planet. The mercenary almost resembles a combination of Spawn and Predator himself. I can be sure that this movie pays homage or rips off several past sci-fi movies that made their fame in cinema history, and encapsulated them for a child-friendly audience.

This movie is packed with action, even if you have already seen it in previous films but are intended for a younger audience who has never heard yet alone watched such titles. There are a few characters to care about while there are others to be dismissed like vapors. Being based on a book I would see this as a moderate success for those who have not read the book itself. Dwayne Johnson is one for action but not so likable in other aspect of the movie, especially in chemistry and dialogue.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

2015-06-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was not one to rush after movies based on comic books unless I was enthusiastic to do so. The only time I bought this movie was as part of a compilation of movies squeezed into one disc, namely this one, Iron Man 3, Michael Bay's Transformers trilogy, Real Steel, and Pacific Rim. However having bought them all I decided to watch them, particularly a sequel to the first Iron Man movie, which I could not watch due to capacity despite the print. My review will not be valid enough due to not having watched the first movie along with its sequels.

So we open up with the logo of the studio behind this movie as well as the last one, Paramount. There is a voice-over, not exactly a narration to begin with thankfully. It is also shown that Marvel Studios is behind this, not just Marvel. After that sequence of logos, we see a guy from the last movie who is a father to the main villain, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke). They are all the way in Moscow, Russia, where on television Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) has revealed himself to the world as Iron Man. Now I do not recognize this dying old man and I probably would need to find out who he is.

I can understand that this movie slightly deviates from the cliche of "the death of a protagonist's parental figure" by having the antagonist lose their figure. Also, there is no prologue or series of flashbacks that recount events from the last movie, so this gives the audience who has not watched the first movie more reason to purchase and watch it later. I can vouch that the director has learned from previous Marvel movies by ditching the abundant cliches from the Spider-Man movies before it.

So now Ivan engineers his own weapon based on the Iron Man design. I would ask myself how he obtained this sensitive information in the first place, but given his father's last word it would be safe to say that the father pilfered the blueprint. So there is a montage of his scheme to build the weapon and take his vendetta out on Tony Stark. Unsurprisingly by revealing his identity to the world, Stark has provoked tension from all sides including his enemies.

After the title card we finally see the man of iron himself, and boy is he enjoying the limelight. (This happens six months later.) However, Iron Man's presence is just for the reception; Tony Stark is the real guest of the show, so the suit has to be dismantled for the time being. Stark must have a way with words, swooning the crowd with his exhibition and consort. Like any billionaire he is a philanthropist, not afraid to speak and certainly makes the best of any adverse scenario.

Now we are at the Senate Armed Service Committee in Washington, D.C., where Stark is joined by Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle). This is just one scenario where the U.S. government has intervened to confiscate Stark's Iron Man technology. He refutes and the congregation is amused by Stark's retort. In the hall is also an entrepreneur, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell). With these two in the conference hall, it is a field day for the journalists and the military. So why is everyone on Stark's neck? He is a billionaire and owns the technology that can fall into the wrong hands, as if it was not evident enough from the beginning. Government politics must be a perpetual bore for anyone who expected to see the Iron Man machine himself.

Anyone would be asking: "Is this what he spent six months working on? That's pretty much a letdown." I do have to admit that with all that blueprint he could have build up something even more overwhelming. But at least the electric whips are a weapon to avoid.

It looks like the palladium core is depleting, and the device that is implanted in his chest is keeping him alive but is simultaneously killing him. That is too much to comprehend. So this is why he won't be using the iron man suit more often in this movie. I smell a bad sign.

I guess there must be something else the actor has to work with. All these CGI holograms must be an overkill. However, it is the constant banter with this woman in the middle, Virginia Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Palthrow) that seems to go on without giving it a break. Together they are just like a married couple, even though they aren't. There is going to be more of Tony Stark on screen with various characters and less of Iron Man and the action with him.

So after 31 minutes we finally watch the action unfold. Before then we had to watch Tony Stark face hurdles with various characters. But why not? If Iron Man was to be present at all times, Stark would be just be a nut in a shell and be just so uninteresting to the viewers. It was worth watching a chemistry brew among the characters, as is required if we are to grow immensely with anyone in this movie. So Ivan has made it all the way to the Monaco Grand Prix. He found a way, as revealed by a quick scene where he has insiders who present him a passport and pamphlets to the event. As I recall his weapon is deadly; it is sharp enough to cut through metal, let alone wood and plastic. It is also visually appeasing to watch the Iron Man suit unfold from a case, thanks to the cutting-edge C.G.I. However, the fight doesn't last long enough to be captivating when the suit is so impervious to the electric whips while the cars are sliced into chunks. Perhaps Ivan intended to cause slow pain on Stark before killing him.

Justin Hammer was grossly impressed by the debacle on the race track and decides to recruit Ivan. Hammer has his own vendetta on Stark. It doesn't make sense, however, that Hammer's contract has been revoked (or is on hold) since the military inclined to Hammer in the committee earlier. Perhaps he wants Ivan to showcase his technological endeavor to secure his contract once again.

53 minutes later, Stark is throwing a party. In the meantime James Rhodes has warned him to turn over the Iron Man suits tot the government, a constant request (or order) which unsurprisingly Tony refutes to comply with. The U.S. government has reprimanded Tony for turning his suit into a toy; ironically that is what he does at this party. He shoots up watermelons and engages in a duel with Rhodes who suits up, somehow. Anyone would ask themselves how Stark neglects security so that anyone including Rhodes himself, could easily have infiltrated his arsenal and stolen the hardware. So despite Stark revealing his identity to the world, he forgets to install high-tech security on his home. Thus the government's intervention. I guess every protagonist is not without any flaws.

There is one thing about this movie that renders it utterly laughable: "I want my bird". Ivan has grown so attached to his cockatoo that we have to endure the overly repeated use of the word "bird". Try to be engaged with this story while bombarded by the repetition of the same word.

Now there is more to Tony Stark that contributed to his waywardness: his father's resentment towards him. If it is not the "death of the protagonist's father" cliche that's rife in every comic book movie, it is his resentment towards him. This is the plot point that defines a hero of this movie with flaws. Exploring a man under the iron suit is just like exploring the nut beneath the shell. As I have mentioned, it's not a real superhero movie if we do not understand the characters; action, explosions and visual extravaganza are insufficient for anyone if characters are left to fade into the abyss.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

2015-06-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ron Perlman is back as Hellboy, a fiery-red demon working for the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Development (B.P.R.D.). He is followed by his allies, Abe Sapien and Liz the "human torch" of Dark Horse. They do what they have been assigned to do, only it has to be done top secret. However, Hellboy is just the same wisecrack when it comes to following the rules and regulations of the department, especially secrecy. He just doesn't abide by the concept of "discretion" as directed, but always finds one way of exposing himself for photographic exhibitions.

After the first movie we get to see Hellboy as a child, after the CGI infant devil he used to be. he is a small red child with broken horns and larger teeth than a human child's. Like I said, no CGI was needed because it would be too expensive and render the whole texture unrealistic. At least this was not for a long time.

What is it about this movie that seems to catch my endless attention? Creature designs and production values, with or without C.G.I. If I could express my opinion about it, it would be that to see several non-human characters to have a design that needed no C.G.I. whatsoever. In fact, the amount of work done on them makes them so realistic as opposed to CGI which often renders them fake. I know costume designs must be daunting for some actors to endure, but it is more worth it than CGI. The puppetry and the textures of every costume and creatures of various designs are the manifestations of various imaginations of the creators who contributed to this movie project.

Though I would like to recall that the prologue is animated with CGI but looks as though marionettes were used. Nonetheless it does not matter because this prologue consists of goblins and elves as well as numerous humans animated without much detail. They look better that way since they would all be cast in shadows which would cover up their textures anyway.

Prince Nuada returns from exile. He wants to reclaim the world mankind has ravaged; he wants to punish them for pushing his kind to dilapidation and near-extinction. He wants to reclaim the three pieces of his father's crown and reawaken the Golden Army, but his twin sister Princess Nuala intervenes to slow down his campaign. You've got to resonate with this guy: his motivation is strong because mankind has forgotten history and has wiped out the civilization of magical beings. What do you expect when they are faded into myths and legends? Nuada despises the vices of mankind which have led to this predicament.

Prince Nuada and Princess Nuala are what I like to call them, the Gemini. These who are linked in such a way that if one is inflicted so is the other equally. Some of Nuada's adversaries ware more than willing to execute him even if this also harms Nuala. But for anyone such as Abe to have grown attached to Nuala, he proves to be difficult to contend with by means of killing him.

The B.P.R.D. has to remain secret because of obvious reasons: one of them being Red (Hellboy) being a demon. He has dedicated his existence to protecting mankind against his own kind. Nuada tries to cloud Red's thinking by having him consider his position, whether it is actually worth protecting the ones who treat him as a monster instead of returning to his own kind. You have to be frank, this plot device is reoccurring in every movie where there are non-human beings living among humans. Of course, he is a demon and no one trusts him anymore than they can trust a vampire.

This guy above is Professor Johan Krauss, an ectoplasmic being. A new addition to the crew has been stationed in New York after Hellboy's debacle and now has to keep him on tabs. Abe Sapien and Tom Manning already form a bond with this character, as if they can do well as critics themselves. This annoys Red the more, due to the fact he dislikes nerdy aura and his attitude towards the policies of the bureau.

Hellboy and Liz are having a rocky relationship after the first movie while Abe and Nuala are forming one. Hellboy is just the type who refutes cleanliness and this incenses Liz. Abe is cultured and appreciative towards the arts, and so is Nuala. They both share a love for poetry, which brings them both together.

This scene perhaps must be my most memorable. A forest god, the last of its kind, makes its presence in the city. After Hellboy destroys it, its very essence has dispersed and leaves a beautiful sight, causing uproar from the public who condemn him as a monster. They believe that his presence causes chaos and misery on the people of the realm. In fact, the God does not cause widespread destruction of the city but just focuses on Hellboy himself, hence the uproar.
The score is so touching that I just felt emotional for the Forest God; decimated by Hellboy, a demon sent to the human realm to bring about its destruction. The God, destroyed by Hellboy, was more like a victim than a perpetrator. I just had to feel great sympathy for it.

You have to enjoy this movie for the creature designs, production value, editing that turns this movie into an action flick where it demands it, character development and the chemistry among the characters, not to mention humor. There are some movies that this one shares similarities with, such as Blade II (2002). I am sure that the director Guillermo del Toro was not sure about how to come about making a comic book movie but decided to do so after past projects. With a comprehensive plot and subplots, and lucid motivation of several characters, why would anyone dismiss this movie as hectic and deplorable? It is a crowning achievement of a director whose project has attracted fans and non-fans alike.

Naked Weapon (2002)

2015-06-08T05:15:00.003-07:00

Watching this movie from the beginning can entice one into thinking that this is going to be a seductive flick. A female assassin eliminates her target with such stealth that while massaging him she kills him and muffles his scream--which is completely unrealistic as if her hands are made of the toughest metal or plastic or whatever. However, it does strike a match that she is expendable, since she is killed off by her target's henchmen with an RPG. So this is what we have to expect: seductive killers, mind-blowing martial arts--as if(!)

Unfortunately there is more to come to leave one flat-out: wooden dialogue, child abuse, murderous rampage that will make or break the audience, levels of anguish felt by the parents of kidnapped girls (11 - 15 years of age). It will be truly shocking for anyone watching this movie that revolves around the plight of kidnapped children whose lives are further decapitated and childhood scarred for life. Anyone with a conscience would suffer from the very minute of this movie.

There is a police officer on the case, and he hasn't even given himself a time off knowing that every child in this category is being exploited and deprived of their childhood. I can sympathize with him even if he cannot keep his office or himself clean and hygienic. That does not matter when every little girl is being prepared into masseuse assailants, and every mother and father has to endure sleepless nights and vigils for them.

Sometimes it can be a blessing as well as a curse for the girls to be kidnapped and rounded up into the same prison camp. They do form a kinship with each other and bond together anytime they conceive a scheme to escape, though this does not seem to suffice more than once in this movie. As they grow up into women they grow more intimate and form something of a strong instinct to kill, which proves more controversial in one scene of the ultimate test--where they are forced to kill each other even if they had nothing against each other to begin with. One would wonder where this idea came from, and even movie critics would question this as being derivative. Once again I find this scene so distressful and unwatchable that it might as well be a degraded ripoff from the Japanese movie Battle Royale (2000). It took me time to recap this movie but it has dawned on me that part of this movie borrowed elements from the aforementioned film. In the film schoolchildren have to kill each other till the last one stands, in this film it is almost similar. In either case, this one scene alone is far too disturbing.

By the way, there are several instances of unnecessary slow-motion in fight scenes. This does not enhance the tension or the weight of the drama, but prolongs the misery and heartache watching women fight each other for nothing. The fight scenes themselves are nothing spectacular, and the slow motion certainly does not help one bit. There are some fight scenes where the effects from The Matrix (1999) do pay off, however the motivation for these women to fight each other still drowns it out completely. And yes they either pay homage to past martial arts movies or just rip them off completely, including The Matrix (1999).

Once again exploitation is rife in this film. For no real reason to uncover, these women have been sedated and raped by lascivious goons who high-five each other as they violate these poor souls. As if forcing them to kill off the least hateful friend-cum-enemies wasn't gut-wrenching enough, they have to be forcefully deflowered before they can undergo any mission. (And yes, this montage is accompanied by slow-motion.) I guess these rapes are symbolic that they must turn a man on before permanently turning him off.

Isn't it grossly ironic that the boss lady behind all this regime is sitting back witnessing the atrocities against these females? I mean a chauvinistic man I can understand, but a woman? I just can't overlook this at all. She allows men under her and beside her to violate her fellow women like "China Dolls". It disgusts me so deeply.

I must have forgotten to mention that during some fight scenes there are these sound effects created as a result of air friction. they occur during choreographed fights, and also where they are least necessary such as where even Polaroids are being hurled around. Isn't that excessive?

If you love hot chicks and some martial arts, watch this movie. However, anyone with any functional brain cell would rather steer clear of this festering pile of feces because I would not stand for child abduction, brutal training montages, rape, forced violence and the torture parents have to endure losing their female child. Not to mention the lack of originality of this movie overall, though I do have acknowledge that anyone would enjoy some moments if they have not even heard of the other original movies this one ripped off from. This movie belongs to those movies I would rather review than watch again because of the misogynistic undertones.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

2015-06-02T13:32:00.001-07:00

Based on a video game of the same name, Prince of Persia: Sand of Time was directed by Mike Newell. It tells of a story of an orphan adopted by a king who already has two sons of his own. The king rules jointly with his brother, Disney produced the movie which is based on the video game of the same name, and just like its movies there must surely be some elements that come from past movies, such as adventures, humor, love, betrayal and brotherly bonding. Just like the Pirates of the Caribbean series, this [Disney] movie is rated 12 for perilous and violent scenes.

Watching this movie can prove to be so tiresome that I usually just pause frequently. For the duration there is more adventure time than there is a story and character development. I could barely understand the details of the story itself and the progress it undergoes. My mind tells me that this film is not worth watching because it has nothing special to offer. So in order to understand it more requires detailed analysis.

There is a young orphan named Dastan who is adopted by the king. Why? Because we can see him involve himself in foolish acts of mischief evading his adversaries. I doubt the king could witness the full events which the orphan could embark on since they took place on rooftops and he was just on horseback. Nonetheless he was saved from amputation and raised as one of the royals, even if his act of bravery was foolhardy. The King believed his family was not complete without an adventurous young blood.

I would have to admit that the kid has some potential to scale those obstacles to evade his captors without crashing through fragile structures and breaking a limb. I doubt he does this everyday prior to this moment when the King is around. Yet it appears he was destined to be the protagonist of the movie unlike his adoptive brothers.

So fifteen years later, Dastan is just as he was before: a cocky, foolhardy prince who loves to get into danger and, in one early scene, a street fight. So much for a prince who "had no eye on the throne"; he is just like Simba from The Lion King (1994). Yet there are some moments he takes his role seriously, only to be dismissed as a street rebel, undermined by his brothers.

The main plot unravels: first, Alamut is falsely implicated for forging weapons of war and is breached by Dastan and his army. Second, the King is killed and Dastan is falsely accused of killing his own adoptive father and wanted for his murder. Princess Tamina aids Dastan to clear his name and discovers a special dagger that can reverse time only with a special type of sand. Along the way they go through perils and encounter bandits who later become their allies.

Some of you may notice that this story takes place in Persia, yet a handful of the protagonists and even the antagonists consist of British cast members while everyone else (the soldiers and extras) are Arabic, Iraqi or Iranian, with one Sudanese. There was a similar case in Aladdin (1994) where the protagonists were voiced by Anglo-Americans while the villains and supporting cast were voiced by Arabs.

I can vouch that this Disney movie throws away the stereotypical damsel-in-distress: Princess Tamina is the type of female who shows no fear for death, or requires a hand of her male companion. She plays hard-to-get and takes control of any difficult situation at hand, carrying on the tradition of female leads to shrug off male advances as if being treated like a trophy, including at a moment where she refuses to wed Prince Tus.

So what is so special about that dagger? It was the catalysis to the siege of Alamut. Dastan deduces that the siege was not to expose the supposed forgery of weapons but to steal the dagger which can enable the user to rewind time and be the only one who remembers what happened prior to the rewind. Nizam, King Sharaman's brother, staged the sige to acquire the dagger and rewind time to reset history and take his brother's place as king. Once again this plot alludes to the plot from The Lion King, even if Nizam is not directly responsible for killing his own brother. I can say that his plan is more subtle than the plan hatched by Scar.

The best aspects of this movie are the time reversals and the fight scenes. Time reversal is enhanced by the effects of sand on the user of the dagger, who sees everything rewound before his very eyes. The fight scenes are just like the game, and are something that was fully-budgeted for and vigorously choreographed. One scene where these two points are well worth the watch is where the vipers controlled by hassansins. Dastan demonstrates swift, flawless defense against the venomous reptiles as though he had prepared for this offense the very minute, after watching the emerge from the sand. Strengths like these help a movie to keep the audience awake where the story, dialogue and chemistry are too inadequate.

As this movie is loosely based on the source material but retells the story and incorporates elements from the other titles of the series, it can be treated as a stark improvement over previous video game movies in terms of relation to the games, characters and plot. You can watch this movie and lose interest in the characters and progression in the story, but you would eventually see how this movie stands out as one that seems to make up for its shortfalls. Though it lacks the essentials of a movie, it stands out as a transition from video game to movie.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)

2015-05-28T06:28:00.002-07:00

Michael Bay directs a third movie in the series. This time the All-Spark is completely irrelevant and so is the renewed quest to extract Energon. However, The Autobots and Decepticons are on a search for an old Cybertronian ship called The Ark, which crashlanded on the dark side of the moon in the 1950's. The ship transported an Autobot called Sentinel Prime, an engineer responsible for the pillars that form a space bridge. The main plot now is to transport Cybertron to Earth to rebuild the wasteland.
Several changes were made after the previous movie: no more African-American stereotypes, no more cowardly Leo, and no more Megan Fox. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is three months out of college and is looking for work. Unfortunately it has to be the same formula within the Michael Bay movies: too many humans, too much detail of the characters we do not care about, and the presence of his ever-so-annoying parents who add more to the misery. Sam has a new girlfriend after Megan Fox was fired by Bay himself. No explicit explanation was offered, but it was only said that "she was mean". However, it adds more insult to injury because nobody would even hook up with this guy after the last misadventure that almost got everyone killed in the process. Any girl who has no taste for deathly pursuits would not have anything to do with a guy whose face was broadcast worldwide by the evil robots. As if that was not enough, we have to watch a montage of his job hunt. Like I said, anyone who is unemployed or not in full-time employed would be grossly annoyed by this montage when they came to watch Autobots and Decepticons duke it out on each other. More of Sam Witwicky than of the Transformers and we call clamor for a change in direction.
So when we do see the Transformers, we see our favorite robots reincarnated: Shockwave, Laserbeak, Soundwave as car instead of the satellite (I do not know how he did that and the movie does not show it). But we also see one other useless robot that plays no important role in the movie (a long-tongued stump), and another robot who could transform into a laptop once (named "Brains", like the Thunderbirds character, right?). You have to be honest, Shockwave is a bad-ass cyclops in his own rights with his giant worms and uses his worms to decimate every building and structure in his every sight. Laserbeak now talks, even though his previous incarnations never talk. There is some issue regarding his ability to transform into one ordinary hardware to another even without ample time to scan the object prior to transformation. I think the purpose of that is for product placement, otherwise they are just superfluous.
I have watched the 1980's series and have discovered that this movie derives two plot points from the series: "bringing Cybertron to Earth" and "kicking the Autobots out". I have to recall the first point: by bringing Cybertron to Earth's atmosphere, the Decepticons risk inducing powerful gravitational forces capable of tearing the Earth to chunks, as was acknowledged by the cartoon episode but grossly ignored by the movie itself. Yet Sentinel Prime has dedicated his alliance to Megatron just to enslave the human race. If the gravitational forces rip the Earth into chunks, these slaves will perish; so the plan is impracticable. On top of all that, one city Chicago is decimated with several victims being scorched by some factions of Decepticons who are possibly oblivious to their grand plan.
I can only assume that the incoherence in this story is shorter and less strenuous on one's logic. Here, we remember from the prologue that there is a ship that flew from Cybertron transporting Sentinel Prime with his technology. The ship was shot down into the moon and lay dormant for decades. But it is disclosed that the Decepticons shot down the ship without knowledge as to whether the ship would survive and perish. So Sentinel survives and is revived, only to later reveal his true alliance to Megatron. It might have been real pain for Megatron to realize that he had just demoted himself under Sentinel, from Prime to slime. Only Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) could talk some sense into him and <Spoilers>.
Speaking of H-W, I think she was less than passionate in her role. All her dialogue sounds wooden and child-like (as in, like child actors). I would not even think she was the best choice for a character to replace Mikaela Banes, with no emotion and very little rush in her aura unless in more serious situations.
Undoubtedly there is a series of destruction on highways, business districts, the NEST headquarters (which is no longer secret since Transformers can be seen with the naked eye). An orgy of explosions is a must, and there is this very long scene of one building being decimated with some occupants clinging to dear life. I am pretty sure that a lot of viewers were just hoping Sam Witwicky was just going to be killed off along with that overly heinous Jerry "Deep" Wang <urgh!>--thank goodness he was killed off. His appearance is just pointless and downright insulting to the 12A/PG-13 certificate. One other note, Tyrese Gibson only spends fewest minutes on-screen of the three movies. Seymour Simmons (John Turtturo) makes his third appearance for the sake of getting the plot forward, despite his role in the government sector being history. To top it off, he now has to make it big on us that he is rich and has a mansion of his own and no longer lives with his mother or owns a butcher's shop. He suffers from an injury in the highway chase which should have just thrown him out of this movie since he just sits in the wheelchair for the remainder of the film and talks about whatever he likes. There are several more unlikable human characters who should be killed off so that only the robots take up all the screen time.
This movie makes moderate improvements in some sections like having a story that can be digested, no more plot twists, and more action from the robots in disguise. But the Michael Bay formula still ruins the movie's chance of ever being taken seriously.

X-Men 2 (2003)

2015-05-26T04:55:00.002-07:00

What a way to continue the X-Men franchised after a successful hit in the cinema. X-Men 2 brings two warring factions together against a threat even bigger than the dreaded Mutant Registration Act. Senator Kelly is dead, and the new threat is in the form of an ex-black ops commander who has hatched a sinister scheme to wipe out the mutant race. This sort of plan sounds familiar, but the last movie was all about forcing mutants to disclose their capabilities.

Nightcrawler is under some kind of mind control. He attacks the White House, disarming and immobilizing security there without taking a break with his teleporting. Just after the anti-mutant frenzy from the last film, this film continues to brew the storm with this film just to gear up the plot.

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) visits a site of his nightmare past. One subplot revolves around him trying to discover his past that has been plaguing him in his sleep. Somehow he still does not find any answers.

The opening prologue tells us something we could remember easily: humanity has never been the type that would ever share the entire planet with another race of humans, mutants. So genocide is the key plot point in this movie, and someone has deduced that a large population of mutants would require swift blow to be annihilated worldwide, so he has to hatch several schemes to make it work. So what has he done to do this? He has driven a mutant under his control with a serum he injects (or rather drops into a laceration on the back of their neck) as a means to control their mind. A man named William Stryker hates mutants so heavily that he would use them and dump them after they serve his purpose. He obtains the information he seeks to build and engineer his own cerebro to target mutants.

If you also watch this movie, you will acknowledge why Stryker of all people would launch his own mutant-hate campaign: his own son Jason has the power to create illusions in people's minds. His mother killed herself with a power tool to "bore the images out of her head." Jason blamed his parents for his condition, and caused so much pain for them. However, I still could not tell if Stryker himself killed or maimed his own son or something. Either way Jason is now wheelchair-bound and is reduced to secreting that same fluid for controlling mutants. How that works still eludes me.

We have new mutants to the mix: Iceman a.k.a. Bobby Drake, Pyro, Shadowcat (whose name is not mentioned except Kitty), Colossus and Nightcrawler to mention but a few. There are other mutants whose powers are so dangerous they are useless, like a girl whose scream reverberates endlessly unless she is sedated. I wonder if her parents had to carry sedatives to silence her from birth, though mutation does manifest from puberty. More mutants with less than beneficial powers are revealed.

The next thing to look out for is Jean Gray. Her powers are growing erratically. Telekinesis is now accompanied by other powers that distort electronic signals, and enhance hearing range. For some reason I would not even note this regularly as this occurs less frequently throughout this story and is not fully addressed.

We can now explore the facility where Logan was experimented upon. The adamantium is a very indestructible metal at room temperature; it has to be continually kept hot to be used every time. But it is never addressed as to what or who is keeping it hot perpetually, or how it is made in the first place.

You would have more reason to be engaged with the characters and the main plot, but subplots here are just evasive. Fast-paced action scenes and the main story arc revolving around the main characters could just be enough to keep you engaged with the movie. You might remember the visual effects from movies memorable for their visuals, such as The Matrix (1999). But you do have to watch out for any religious connotations as shown by the blue mutant Nightcrawler.

Professor Charles Xavier is being bound by Stryker with a neural inhibitor so that he cannot enter people's minds. This gives Jason a chance to create an illusion to trick Xavier into concentrating hard enough to kill every mutant connected to the cerebro. I know you will be baffled by the continuity errors regarding the illusions generated by Jason. Nothing makes sense when Jason himself disappears and the little girl appears, and vice versa. And how Xavier continually falls for his illusions beats me all the time.

Fifteen years. Logan has been amnesic for fifteen years. The story must have resumed a few months after events of the last movie, according to Stryker and Xavier both of whom recall the time span in question.

Yuriko (a.k.a. Deathstrike) is The Wolverine's new adversary after Saber-Tooth. She has retracting claws and the ability to regeneration, a perfect match for a mutant without definable age. A fight between the two renders the last fight against Mystique and Saber-Tooth less momentous.

Mystique flips a birdie to the audience (Stryker's soldiers, actually). She has the ability to change size, weight and voice. However, there have been some discrepancies regarding her decision to impersonate a dead person, particularly Senator Kelly. Since his death she assumed his position without acknowledging that his presence is required round-the clock, yet nobody questions his absence under any circumstance. It would be sensible to think about impersonating someone of high authority before doing so especially if they are deceased. With that aside, she seems to know how to operate any machine and computer in place of her subjects. How she spends the time we do not know she has is beyond anyone's imagination.

If you enjoy watching a roller coaster ride of fights, raids, visual effects and mutant powers, this movie is for you. However you will often find the plot devices evasive and never fully explained, but you could relate to some characters in the story who are just there to demonstrate their capabilities in rough situations that come before them. By the way, if you hate N*Sync so do Wolverine and his companions. Boy bands are so 1990's and anyone growing up in the 2000's would not want to listen to that annoying trash.

RoboCop (2014 Remake)

2015-05-23T08:56:00.003-07:00

There are some classics that were so memorable for their quality that a remake was not in demand. RoboCop (1987), Planet Of The Apes (1968) and Total Recall (1990) to mention only a few I watched as a kid (ironically) were so critically successful that no one thought a remake would do justice. RoboCop (1987) was the best thing to happen at a time the city of Detroit was beleaguered by crime and corruption in the highest places. You saw it all in the movie: bloodshed, heavy drug use, crime waves, breaking glasses, machine vs. machine, decapitation, and some hilarious consequences. In the movie you watched a man being killed on duty; his life flashing before him before being brought back to life as a cyborg. The story was tragic and heart-gripping, human emotions overwhelming, a cake stripped of its icing to reveal the truth beneath it. RoboCop was a satire to die for. It was rated 18 for its aforementioned elements of violence and bad language.

So when this remake was announced, I was hoping for something of an improvement over its 1987 predecessor. I acquired a pirated copy and was completely befuddled by the overall clip. This remake is just like the flop RoboCop 3 (1993): curtailed violence. This movie is set in the future and unlike its predecessor, bullets are nonexistent. Instead of bullets guns project lasers and plasma, thus curtailing any blood on the streets. That's how RoboCop's gun works, even though other guns still shoot bullets but still do not shed blood.

The movie starts off on an annoying note: flashbacks of events in relation to the story happen before the story actually takes off. This is what threw me off tangent and lost in translation. So what is the main point in this story? America does not allow machines to enforce the law, while other countries in the world, particularly the Middle East, have ED-209's patrolling the streets. OmniCorps intends to merge man with machine to offset the decision to refuse the enforcement of the law with machines by "putting a man inside a machine." This is where RoboCop becomes a project of priority. When Murphy is reborn as RoboCop he resumes his investigation and prosecution of Antoine Vallon.

You have to be honest, this movie takes a step in enhancing the ED-209 with computer graphics, but also throwing in too much techical jargon all in the name of science. In fact thirty-eight minutes of this movie focuses on the scientific evaluation RoboCop as a project, both his psychological and physiological aspects, and training exercise. For a 12-rated movie the young audience will have trouble understanding what is going on here.

If I have to be blunt, the characters in this movie are forgettable. They do not stand out and you would fail to relate with them on any level thinkable. Even Alex Murphy seems to drift away into the screen every time you see him. He just can't relate with his own family even if this is the opposite case of RoboCop 2 (1990) where RoboCop here had to deny Alex Murphy thanks to OCP's stance against it. It was pretty much as though the director watched the movies but failed to understand what made the first one incredibly memorable. Even the main villain is so illusive that I can not even comprehend his position as the crime boss of old Detroit. I would resonate with these guys better if the script wasn't so bland and devoid.

Give this movie more credit, at least we can see what remains of Alex Murphy. Unlike the previous entry, there have been continuity issues over the organic remains of Alex Murphy incorporated into RoboCop. However, I would like to retract that credit because they preserved Alex's right hand while the rest of his arm has been dismembered. I do not see the point of preserving that right hand or right arm with the hand since he is a machine going against the underworld of Detroit.

This guy loathes what he has become and demands to be put to rest. This scene alludes to the content from RoboCop 2 where the test subjects were former police officers who [hilariously] committed suicide after seeing what they had become. Murphy here still adhered to his remaining strong will to continue as he is and keep the hopes of his family up. He remembers his family and his will to die dissipates.

Embarrassing as it looks, this movie shows that it was aimed at a young audience. They demonstrate a model that "kids would love". I was at first pleased that they displayed the original RoboCop, until they "transformed" it into a toy with shoulder sirens.

How much are you going to bet that RoboCop spends more time in the laboratory than on the streets? I must be frank that this takes away any anticipation of tackling crime on the streets of Detroit as a bad-ass cop. It would be wicked to have him do some damage after testing instead of wasting so much time in the lab listening to more jargon than one can comprehend.

Pat Novac (Samuel L. Jackson) must have been given his lowest position in movie history since Deep Blue Sea (1999). He is reduced to a talk show host debating on the same topic over at least three times in this movie. That topic adheres to RoboCop as the future of law enforcement, and the campaign to repeal the "Dridus Act". (Throughout his talk show he refers RoboCop as Alex Murphy.) He does his best but is dismayed overall having not taken part in the entire story.

It must be painful watching a highly trained neurosurgeon operate on Murphy's brain with immense caution.

I don't know about you but this RoboCop resembles a combination of Iron Man and the droids from Pacific Rim (2013), the Jaegers. The suit is an update to the original model, giving Murphy greater mobility and automated feature on his visor, access to the criminal database and a camera unit. Though I would now question the decision to put his brain on strain by having it access the criminal database. We can see what it is like to have a human brain treated like a CPU: it is obviously painful and has its repercussions.

Also instead of a car his main means of transport is a motorbike. I wonder how a small vehicle like that can withstand a cyborg that must surely way a ton (probably not metric tonne).

So let's be fair, this movie was meant for a younger generation who have never heard of the original masterpiece of the 1980's. Movies like this will appeal to the CGI-crazed generation but not to those who grew up with the original. The story and deep messages are irrelevant to anyone who loves CGI and adrenaline-filled action sequences, but to someone else, this movie overall is irrelevant and inferior to the 1987 masterpiece.

The Matrix: Revolutions (2003)

2015-05-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

A final entry to the Wachowskis' film series, Revolutions starts off from where Reloaded left. When I last checked it was revealed that the sequels were released six months apart, which does beggar belief that the actors involved could have endured such a struggle. I mean, each movie cost $150 million dollars and possibly took four years to produce. Within that time there were two video games, The Matrix: The Path Of Neo and Enter The Matrix, and an anime The Animatrix. It must be a wild ride for the actors and staff involved.

Remember Mouse from the first movie? "Do you know it really reminds me of? Tastee Wheat. Did you ever eat Tastee Wheat?" Look at it. It is actually being advertised in this scene!

This product placement billboard appears on the same platform three times in a row!

Why does this tramp wear so many watches on the same wrist?

When I first watched this movie alongside its predecessor, I was dismayed and discouraged from watching. I preferred to watch The Matrix 1500 times, The Matrix: Reloaded 1000 times but The Matrix: Revolutions 10 times. In other words, Revolutions was my least favorite movie and prompted me to question whether these sequels were even demanded. In my opinion, the sequels are just as silly and cartoonish as the video games meant for children and teenagers. It leaves so many plot holes that even characters (actors) were just as befuddled as the audience.

So what is the usual case in this movie? Expositions that do not even address the anomalies that occur in the matrix or even in the real world. For example, we last remember Neo stopping five sentinels before losing consciousness, only to end up in limbo (Mobil Avenue, "mobil" being an anagram for "limbo"). When I first watched this I was confused as to how Neo was separated from his body without ever jacking in. He finds himself in a train station, which is between "his world and the matrix", yet it is never explained how he ended up there so that he could be taken captive by the Train Man who works for The Merovingian. And just when you thought this anomaly remains unexplained, we have to watch Neo being bombarded with questions by a small Indian girl who seems to have every piece of information that the audience did not ask for, only for the Oracle to deliver the same thing to us later.

Speaking of The Oracle, this woman is played by a different actress, Mary Alice. (Is it me or does Nathaniel Lees resemble Mary Alice? They almost look like siblings here.) Alice replaces Gloria Foster, who died from diabetes. This change is noted by the characters in the movie but is not explicitly explained. Give this movie credit, at least no one overlooks this difference as does everyone else in various other movies. This change is only explained in Enter The Matrix where The Merovingian drastically alters her by, in my own words, downgrading her as a program. It is shown in the game but not in the movie, so anyone who hasn't played the game should do so in order to understand the circumstances.

So now the machines have tunneled into Zion and unleash chaos and bloodshed on a massive scale. The only thing I must debate here is that it is metal-on-metal rather than a more modern, energy-efficient ammunition discharge on the enemy. The volunteers of Zion have to reload every minute in this perilous adventure, discharging so many bullet shells and shedding so many monsters. However it turns out that it is less efficient than bullets against the sentinels. At the end it [literally and metaphorically] leaves a colossal mess.

Another thing: this has to be the third movie where there has to be a rave dance scene and music to accompany it.

Did Trinity and Maggie deduce that Bane and Neo are Yin and Yang? I'm not sure if any hospital beds are positioned this way if these two were in coma.

A few minutes after the opening scene I can hear several one-liners and sarcasms that must be far too cheesy for a sci-fi movie of this sort, at a time of seriousness.

Remember the first movie where Neo and Trinity storm a building and single-handedly wipe out an assault team? That makes it back into this movie, only that this armory is small compared to the hallway which is unnecessarily large. It should be noted that rehashing the action scenes from the previous movie renders this scene totally dull. I have been in a nightclub myself and even gunshots are loud enough to be heard by revelers on the other side from this nearly empty hall which enhances echoes. Also there are three heroes against four bad guys, each armed with only a pistol, yet this gun fight takes as long as it took two good guys (Neo and trinity) to decimate around eight foot soldiers armed with shotguns and automatic rifles! I call this a downgrade. This fight scene resembles something from a video game. And how is it that nobody takes the time to reload their guns? It looked as though all their ammo is unlimited.

Music in the auditorium of the nightclub is so loud that nobody can be heard even at the top of their voice. Yet this DJ with his headphones on can hear The Merovingian yelling at him with ease. Also he switches off the hi-fi system without causing so much as an upset. As I have said, I've been to a nightclub and everyone would revolt if the party was abruptly interrupted. How dangerous is this program that The Oracle made him out to be?

Once again this movie rehashes the first movie: the slow-motion drive to The Oracle. Can't these writers do anything different? Also Neo consults the Oracle and asks so many questions than anyone can answer, just like the first movie.

This guy must be beating himself up after looking like a complete Muppet. I mean, this is out of character and completely unwatchable. Smith clones himself into The Oracle and that results into this insanity.

You know, I just wish that the machines would kill this kid off. Only time will tell. A movie with too many side characters and too much screen time on them ends up boring and void.

Hey look. Something's wrong with the Matrix feed. But it's not the monitors that are acting up because it is the matrix itself! It's going haywire!

Give this movie some ample credit: at least they developed this guy from the second movie. He often confined himself to the shadows and had little screen time up to this point. No one believed he was any way sinister even if his dialogue was no way subtle. It made no sense to anyone but it raised no alarms whatsoever. Does he somewhat resemble Smith in this realm? His true colors finally come to light after he kills off one of the characters, Maggie, who only appears in a few minutes of the entire movie.

Many would argue that there has been a much stronger chemistry between Neo and Morpheus than there has been between Neo and Trinity. I have watched this but never took note of it throughout this trilogy. They say they love each other but they do not put much emotion into it whatsoever.

The Matrix: Revolutions is a disappointment because it slides down in the scale of epic magnitude. Neo, the messiah, has to go to machine city but has to face his enemy Smith who, to this point, has jacked into a human mind. In the previous movie there was considerable hype over the idea of a program jacking into a human mind, which defies any logic. Smith has remained so subtle that no one even bothers to ask themselves why Bane suddenly calls Neo "Mr. Anderson", even though no one outside of the matrix would ever call him that assumed name. It should have struck anyone in the head when that sufficed. So Smith decided that in the ship belonging to Niobe was a perfect opportunity to kill Neo and Trinity while outside of the matrix, and jest with Neo after blinding him. But Smith wastes time and Neo shows that he has newer vision. This can't be explained as how he is capable of this while not in the matrix, but it is cool for someone who was been sought for as a messiah.

Bane/Smith recollects a situation like this from the first movie: Smith holds Neo at gunpoint, even before discharging his firearm. In this case he does not do so immediately and wastes time talking. Smith has Neo where he wants him in the real world yet he just stands there loathing the human vessel. It takes so long for Neo to even recognize the enemy's aura that it gives Trinity enough time to conveniently plunge the ship into darkness so that Neo can tackle his adversary.

I would have so much difficulty taking one guess that will eventually turn all the lights off in the ship. There are countless fuses in this basement yet Trinity is able to do this without error.

The music says it all. In the final battle Neo faces of Smith; however considering how Neo seemed to have what it took to face off several clones, it does create some disbelief that he has so much trouble facing one single Smith out of many. Why did Smith create so many clones? He might have many things to do with the sentinels attacking Zion. After all it was shown in the first movie that the agents can deploy a sentinel to do their duty as assigned to them. So there are as many sentinels as the clones in the matrix.

This scene is riddled with flashing imagery. it also doesn't seem impressive to watch Neo beating this guy up here. Since he is not in the matrix, this shows no energy.

Once again the villain wastes time taunting the hero whom he has blinded. However he did not see the next thing coming.

Cool visuals, but how is it that he still wears sunglasses? Wouldn't it be even better and more sinister for us to see his fiery eyes?

I must have forgotten to mention that Neo now spends the smallest chunk of his time in the matrix. If I could count every minute, I would note that Neo only jacked into the matrix to consult the Oracle for the last time, and to face off with Smith in a final battle of no return. And of course the Indian family in the beginning of the film are given very little screen time since we could care less about them; The Merovingian, Persephone and The Train Man are never mentioned again after the confrontation; yet Sati the "last exile" is given more screen time than her parents, and that Popper kid is given more time as if anyone gives a toss about him since is of no real significance to the overall story, except where he had to blow the gate open before The Hammer ship approached Zion while under pursuit from the sentinels. So overall, there is less time in the matrix than in the real world where Zion faces annihilation--for the sixth time.

Warning: This fight against the machines will contain scenes with flashing images, and many more will come. This movie is not suitable for anyone suffering from epilepsy, or anyone prone to it.

The giant drill takes on damage from every angle, yet the sentinels attack nobody except these women on the right. Care to tell us why(?)

These sentinels normally dissipate to attack at different angles. So why do they form this weird pattern in the path of firepower? It has come up to my attention that since taking snapshots, a tinge of blue has been characteristic of Zion while a tinge of green has been characteristic of The Matrix.

So this is the point where the sentinels attack. The drill is toppled and this is the only time they decide to pursue their adversaries?

Captain Mifune bites the dust after the sentinels dice him, yet the kid was hanging behind Mifune's APU without sustaining fatal injuries. Why did they not kill this unimportant character?!

So this is why the kid was left alive. He struggles to harness the APU to open the gate. Zee walks in and listens in on a radio from Lock regarding the imminent impact of The Hammer approaching Gate 3. It was just by coincidence that she went to his aid.

So here's what I can gather so far: Neo consulted the Oracle before Niobe. The Oracle tells Niobe that the time will come when Niobe will help Neo on his assignment. The Oracle did not tell Neo himself that he has to fly to the Machine City; Neo himself had a vision to go there. So I would personally not have to question why he flew all the way there to fight the enemy when he could have done so in Zion. However no human has ever made it into the City in over a century, so this journey of no return was seen as loco. Zion is being decimated by sentinels, yet Neo goes a city where humans have never set foot. (I imagine this Machine City to be the capital of 0-1, as was mentioned in The Animatrix.)

In the first movie Neo was told about this 'pod farm'. Now he has the chance to see it for himself. Plus he can also see it in the foreground with the giant power plant in the background.

There are three power lines channeling electricity from the power plant to the city. With so much energy produced, why aren't there more than three? The biggest discrepancy here is that even 7 billion human bodies can never generate more energy than it is needed to operate the matrix. It is no wonder the machines would even push ahead to terminate the human race. Fusion is now the way forward and humanity is obsolete.

Holy s***! What just happened?! I can't even explain how this happened and neither does this movie! A sentinel hits the windshield but its "ghost" passes through Neo!? I'm so scratching my head here and my nerve is swelling!!!

The sky is the limit. This has to be Trinity's first time of ever seeing the sky. The humans scorched the sky? This is just a blanket, not destruction or scorching. This was just a maneuver to sweep the sentinels off the ship and continue to the city.

The ship plummets but survives. So does Neo (narrowly) but not Trinity. Her death here is slower than the last time: previously she died in the matrix from a bullet from an agent and it took less time. Here it takes so long for her to die she had enough within her to breath her last words. Neo and Trinity whisper with little to no emotion and it just makes me bored and impatient to death.

Let's make the machines appear human by creating a human-like face with scores of sentinels! The Wachowskis must have been so much in love with special effects that they animate this stuff on screen.

If you have paid attention to detail, you will notice the rainfall indicates the Matrix has gone haywire. The sentinels stand down because the Smith clones stand still. This is real rain, and it must be difficult getting everyone to stand still in the rain while Neo and Smith duke it out.

One Smith clone strides out of the millions he created. How does anyone know he's the original? I wouldn't know either.

By the way, Smith can fly in this movie after not being able to do so in the last movie. And I am going to count how many times they create this ball of water after impact.

A combination of slow-motion on intervals with silhouette turns this kung fu into a ballet.

Neo dies for the sake of Zion. The sentinels leave but no one except that annoying kid Popper confirms they are leaving period. Popper is the very catalyst that sparks so much annoyance that I was just quick to turning away and disregarding the triumphant breakthrough that everyone was just eager for. No one else, not even Morpheus, was keen to confirm this because machines are under instructions from the agents, which must have recovered from the infection just as did The Oracle. (Oh, Smith was The Oracle. The Oracle-Smith was the one fighting Neo, not the original Smith that infected her. This has to be some bizarre twist. The "real" Smith was just sitting this one out while the copy was engaged to fighting Neo.) Again, the music says it all: it is saddening and melancholy. The ending does not raise any hearts and spirits after a massacre in the last human city. This is why I avoided this movie all the while and adhered to the first two movies.

Overall, lazy writing, obsession with visuals and special effects over characters and story led this film to a roundabout trip. Nobody would even bother with this film as a sequel. I honestly will continually find it a painstaking task to watch it as the final film in the trilogy.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

2015-05-22T08:50:00.003-07:00

Jim Carrey must be renowned for his comedic genius. In just one year he starred in three movies: Dumb And Dumber and The Mask along this flick, and each one spawned an animated series. He portrays his character of dual personality: one minute he is a mad man, the next he is a sophisticated detective. His antics were unbearable at one point, but became a trademark for his charisma.
Before watching this movie I was watching its animated spin-off, which put me off so badly that I just wanted nothing to do with the crazy movie. However, I took the courage in watching the movie and discovered that despite its moments, it did have a very straightforward plot. Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey) is enlisted in recovering a dolphin before the weekend Superbowl. Ace is doubted and ridiculed by several police officers, but strongly overcomes this by handling the situation with a comedic response. This guy must be a prime example of anyone who finds himself in a distressful situation.
They said this movie was stupid, but watching this movie I acknowledge it is half-stupid, half-clever. I could reveal every fault in this movie, but could also reveal its merits that accompany it. Ace conceives one comic trick after another, just as one plot convenience after another unravels to keep the story in momentum, as Ace finds himself at a dead end. My opinion stands as to why I would never take a movie critic's world without confirming.

So after the opening title cards, we see Ace himself in disguise (don't worry, he is not working with UPS, but a fake parallel HDS!). He mucks around with a package without giving a toss about embarrassing himself. He is trying to recover a lost dog, which has been stolen. (The credits are still rolling and can be distracting for the duration in this scene alone.) One thing about this scene also is how Ace was able to swap the real shih tzu with a soft toy resembling it without arousing suspicion. I wasn't even sure if the toy stayed they same position all the while it was sitting outside the door. I am sure it was immensely foolish to leave his name card pinned to the toy. And Ace pretty loony to be gloating over retrieving the dog without taking into account that the thug is possibly pursuing him in broad daylight. As I have mentioned, Ace has a passion to take every dire situation as a joke.

This guy's an animal: only a bloodhound could have tracked down Ace without actually following him, by picking up his scent. There is no way he could have found Ace so easily. He must enjoy breaking glasses as his hobby, even then he has so much trouble shattering them and swiping the dog. By the way, it was noted that this drive-away scene was directly lifted from Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991).

This scene is raunchy, yet the movie is certified PG-13/12. Another thing I possibly forgot to mention earlier: this Ace is like a computer encyclopedia. It is as if he can deliver every ounce of information without slipping or biting his tongue, and getting it wrong. (But I still do not believe that he can get it all right.) So this will always be the case in at least seven scenes.

Ace has plucked more than one leaf just to conceal his entrance from the devilishly-voiced landlord. But has it ever occurred to him that this is pointless after the said landlord has approached him on a few occasions? He must have stripped that plant of all its leaves by now. The landlord must hate animals and can hear (and smell) them even if he can't see them in Ace's flat. Yet Ace must be dumb enough to call his animal friends regardless, even if the landlord is still waiting outside his flat.

Ace must be fearless handling all those animals.

This guy doesn't care if the dolphin is a fish or mammal, as he admits expressing his dire concerns on the Superbowl season. But still he contradicts himself by saying he doesn't care about the dolphin and at the same time makes demands for it to be found sooner.

Talk about coincidence. Ace is on a search for the albino pigeon, but he does not bother to use the proper tools in doing so. Plus he falls several storeys into a pile of trash which, given the size of the pile and the height of the building, still would not cushion his fall. That bird could have perched anywhere, so it still eludes me as to how Ace could have found that bird so easily. If that bird landed where there was nothing to cushion his fall, Ace would be toast.

Ace investigates the tank. As he does so as a typical detective, he pulls off some gags in reference to several TV shows. Of course not minding the situation at hand he makes light out of it. As I have mentioned before, he does this in similar scenes. And journalists seem not to find any other story more interesting than Snowflake's stunt for the game, in contrast to the police not giving much of a toss about the case.

These guys must do this every time Ace is here. They have high-priority cases at hand yet they pick the time to taunt Ace. Hey, what if any of you lost a pet you cherish so much? Would you continually mock him then?

This scene turns hilarious: one minute Ace talks philosophically, then next he starts dissing Aguado with such panache.

OK. This is the particular gag that put me off from watching this movie: talking through his rear. Ace must do this to get the information he needs from his associate in the police. Still I had to admit that this was the silliest but nonetheless cleverest he could pull off. Some will finds this hilarious, but I can tolerate it.

One plot hole I must unravel: this officer tells Ace that a guard saw no truck carrying the dolphin out of the stadium. However, to call this a plot hole would be shallow because for this to happen would require a hoard of imposters to foil any security reprisal.

It must be a cliche back in the day to always play a jazz cue whenever a hot, sexy female makes her presence in the company of men. (This will occur more than once in this movie.) Today that is just sexist. Lois Einhorne (Sean Young) is intimidating even by looking at her.

I relate to Ace: he experiences a rave in an underground rock venue as hellish and wild. Loud music must turn every mind upside down.

This guy looks eccentric wearing two pair of glasses at the same time. It's too bad he appears only once ion this movie.

Ace must not give a toss about about embarrassing himself and Melissa Robinson (Courtney Cox) in front of Camp and the cream of the society. Embarrassing but hilarious. Ronald Camp (Udo Kier) is alleged to be capable of stealing Snowflake, but Ace lands himself in hot water when he finds out that Camp has sharks in his tanks. Guess that doesn't matter since missing sharks are not the case. Did I mention he makes several TV references while investigating the case? First it was Star Trek, now it's Mission Impossible, which is more of a movie reference. Time-wasting, but comical for the audience.

I personally do not think a shark would leap out of water to eat a fish or bite on a person's arm. Though Ace was expecting Snowflake to do this. Kinda scary for kids, right? Hence the 12 rating. It is also amazing that Ace survives the shark attack in a small tank that should limit mobility for the predator.

Should the party have died so that everyone in the party can look at Ace in this state?

Convenient timing. Ace finds a clue on Camp's ring. Of all the people he could have run into, Ace finds Camp to be wearing the ring whose cut matches the one he finds in the fish tank. As I mentioned before, this is the type of convenience that blooms out in the last minute when Ace seems to be hitting the dead end. He really took it too far by trying to pry the ring off of Camp's finger as if that was necessary.

Ace must have been doping this research prior to this case. I doubt he had so much time available to do this given the series of events we had to sit through. Even after this series the next one will leave anyone bemused because he finds the ring wearers as if it was a breeze when in fact it was more like a tornado. In reality, this could have taken long given the nature of his antic carrying out the search and the sheer number of players and staff members each wearing the ring. In fact as I remember the Superbowl was two weeks away, so this search must have exceeded that time window. In the meantime, it is still enjoyable watching Ace suffer through the ordeal with hilarious consequences.

This scene soured my tongue. Ace is frustrated and so is Melissa with his sourness. But there does seem to show a turning point in his aura when he reflects on himself. It seemed that Melissa was going to bombard Ace with every question he would just immediately answer without choking; no wonder Ace changes the subject. Saved by the bell!

Ace demonstrates the key skills of a detective, even under a barrage of ridicule from the police personnel. It also doesn't surprise him that the dog he picks up barks at the sight of Einhorn (it smells evil in its presence). And am I wrong to point out that it went from day to night when a crime was committed? It was day when Melissa answered that phone call regarding Roger Podacter's death, then it was night when Ace and Melissa went to his apartment. They spent way too long responding to the crime at his place.

Ace returns to finding the missing ring by searching the receipts. Couldn't he have done this as an easier means rather than undergoing that self-torture earlier? This takes up so much less time than the tedious means which would have taken more than a week.

So a chemistry starts to brew between Ace and Melissa. We get to know more of how Ace became affiliated to animals, although his childhood dream would contradict his strong affiliation. And just when it seems as though Ace has hit another dead end, he finds something crucial to his search.

There is no way he could have seen this guy's face from afar. But for the plot to move on this had to happen regardless. He must have enhanced 20:20 vision and solid memory to see that.

Now Melissa is pleased to have hired Ace because now that there is only one missing link Ray Finkle, Ace can investigate without Melissa's escort.

"I've only known this woman for two days; yet I'll bang her in my place because it is not safe enough to leave her at her own place." It's a 12-rated movie yet this is allowed.

How could anyone continue to live in a house defaced by various revolting fans? No one can live here with scars on my doorstep.

So here's what I have gathered: Ace is informed that Ray Finkle was committed to Shady Acre mental hospital and has broken out eight years later (before this story unravels); Finkle plans to take his revenge on Dan Marino for causing the loss in the game, all because of "laces out". Trajectory paths are influenced by the friction on the surface and shape of an object (motion physics). I guess this is why this "laces in" and "laces out" hype caused so much upset for the guy.

No matter the circumstances, no parent would just support their offspring's bloodthirsty campaign. It beats me that Mrs. Finkle would just preserve the layout of Ray's room as he was, in Ace's word, "Hannibal Lecter". Now Ace acknowledges that Marino is next on Finkle's list and must stop the abduction.

A bullet-catching gag. Do not try this yourself.

Ace's car must have spawned right out of a cartoon. It has survived several mishaps yet the windscreen still survives up to this point. Plus it has fortunately somersaulted to its upright position and Ace suffers no bruise or contusion whatsoever.

Shady Acres. That name seems familiar. Tom Shadyac, Shady Acres. Ace intends to investigate Ray's property but can only do so with Melissa's escort and by donning a disguise. This scene contains some of Carrey's memorable gags: forward and reverse pseudo-slow motion, as well as pantomimes of a mental patient who has suffered from post-traumatic stress after his expired football career. Even Dr. Handly, the owner of the hospital, slips out of character as he is seen laughing unprofessionally at Ace's antics (this shot was drastically shortened to correct this error).

Convenience strikes again. Ace finds an old newspaper, folded in such a way for him to count as a clue. Did Ray fold hit himself for the sake of this convenience? Maybe he did since he was certified. Another thing is there is no year to complete the date, yet only Ace knows the significance of this.

Oh how quaint. The monkey is imitating Ace.

Convenient. This dog lies on a layer of magazines and its fur on the photo switches on Ace's light bulb. Is this dog smart or what?! It does also result in a shocking revelation for Ace: Einhorn is Finkle, and is thus a man. Ace's reaction are either hilarious or offensive (transphobic). Watch out for one scene of nudity! Not appropriate for a 12 movie.

So Ace now follows Einhorn to the lair where Dan Marino and Snowflake the dolphin are being held captive. Einhorn/Finkle is as mental as a criminal thinking Marino would recognize someone taunting him.

It's never-ending Jim Carrey marathon. Einhorn later loses her temper at the very moment a sports commentator recounts Ray Finkle's blunderful debut that they dubbed "Kick Heard Round The World". That's the chance Ace takes to subdue her, only for the other way round to happen. The fight is silly, over-the-top, made more hilarious by sound effects, Einhorn's roaring and Ace's banter.

Einhorn's mental breakdown kicks in once again. Ace overwhelms her with facts he has gathered so far and presented as would a great detective. You can see how she just stands there while Ace spells out every detail without choking and coughing on his words.

It is also time for him to prove that Einhorn is a man by stripping her clothes off. Once again Ace hits a dead end but one more crucial piece of evidence is unwrapped. There are so many cops around the perimeter yet only Dan reveals this while the cops stand there in silence. Ace's quote here has to be the most memorable in all of his movies.

Oh my days! That is so heinous. But how is that even possible?!

This is the point that verifies Ace's ring theory, and it has taken so long to do so. If I were up to it, I would count how many times Ace has said "loser" throughout this movie. (Approx. 21 times.)

What brought this bird here? Whatever, Ace takes his second chance to secure the bird and claim his reward.

On a closing note, Ace assaults this opposing team's mascot for sweeping the bird away. (Gatorade product placement.) Hilarious on a positive note as everyone is taking this well.