After last week’s disappointing lineup the distributors are pulling out
the big guns… those guys in black are not only back, they GO back. Add
in another two heartthrobs in two very different movies, and most bases
are covered…

There’s previews next Thursday for Bella’s Snow White and the Huntsman, I
hope to have details of the movie and the showtimes up later.

M O V I E S

Released 25 May 2012

* The Rum Diary (13 LSD)
* The Lucky One (13 SV)
* Men in Black III (10M LV)
* Men in Black III (3D) (10M LV)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US Top Ten. The other industry news on this page is
updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, NuMetro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Woodlands, and Labia cinemas, and SK and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 1 June
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week’s pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

DVDs and BluRays:

Titles and details up later at
http://www.moviesite.co.za/videos/new.htm

(The Film and Publications Board have finally fixed their site so
the DVD section can be brought up to date now. Now if they would just add
the NEW MOVIE releases I would be a happy chappy.)

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads…

Cheers, Ian

—————————————————————————

I had to run to the local grocery store. As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and
pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.

The driver looked puzzled. ”I’m not handicapped” she said.

Well, was my face red. ”Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama Sticker and
just presumed …”

She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.

Sheesh! Some people….

—————————————————————————

I was in a bar on Saturday night… had a few… and I noticed two large
women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you
two ladies from Scotland?”

One of them chirped, “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”

So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?”

That’s the last thing I remember.

—————————————————————————

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My mate told me that they are really expensive,

So I’ve bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

—————————————————————————

Doctor, to lady, during her examination: “Your heart, lungs, pulse & Blood
Pressure are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of
trouble.”

Lady started taking off her clothes . . . .

Doctor, stopping her: “No! No! Please put on your clothes – JUST SHOW ME
YOUR TONGUE!”

—————————————————————————

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

—————————————————————————

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never
met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop
quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

–
P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
The Moviesite at http://www.moviesite.co.za
South Africa’s greatest movie site.

Read more about this movie

Read more about this movie

Read more about this movie

It’s Bombs Away at the cinemas this week, with one of the new releases
having the distinction of being the worst movie on circuit, and another
being 5th worst. Luckily the arthouse release is better.

But never fear, there’s still good stuff showing, including The Avengers,
which is rewriting the record books, particularly in the USA:
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=avengers11.htm

There’s previews next week for Zac Efron’s The Lucky One, see the previews
page and remember to book.

M O V I E S

Released 18 May 2012

* The Son of No One (16 LV)
* Wuthering Heights (16 LV)
* One For the Money (13 LV)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US Top Ten. The other industry news on this page is
updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, NuMetro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Woodlands, and Labia cinemas, and SK and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 25 May
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week’s pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

DVDs and BluRays:

Titles and details up later at
http://www.moviesite.co.za/videos/new.htm

(The Film and Publications Board have finally fixed their site so
the DVD section can be brought up to date now)

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads…

Cheers, Ian

—————————————————————————

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a
prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00.

The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending
gets fired?

—————————————————————————

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls
out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take a flex.

But there had to be a way. One of the two public servants suddenly lifted
his head, “I know how to get some time off work”, the man whispered.

“How?”, hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles
and hoisted himself up.

“Look!”, he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe,
hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the
far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

“I’m a light bulb”, answered the public servant.

“I think you need some time off”, barked the Director. “Get out of here -
that’s an order – and I don’t want to see you back here for at least
another two days! You understand me?”

“Yes sir”, the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged
off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

“Where do you think you’re going?,” the boss asked.

“Home”, she said lightly, “I can’t work in the dark”.

—————————————————————————

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a
rumour! In ancient Greece (469 -399 BC), Socrates was well known for his
wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?”

Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you
to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued “Before you talk to me about my student,
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to
say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?”

No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and …”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.
Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary …” .

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but
you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because
there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to
tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging
his wife.

—————————————————————————

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before
her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her
in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words
“liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can
go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and
cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you
do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,”
said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb As the Lab’s
sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you,
little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and
finesse, Is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink,
turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…..
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

—————————————————————————

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what
would *you* like for Christmas, darling?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped
“Didn’t you get my flipping e-mail?”

—————————————————————————

A couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg one night, when the
man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist
party official walking toward them.

“Let’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

–
P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
The Moviesite at http://www.moviesite.co.za
South Africa’s greatest movie site.

Read more about this movie

Read more about this movie

Read more about this movie

Read more about this movie

The world’s favourite pirate is set to become the world’s favourite
vampire (except for Bella, I suppose). The rest of the lineup is a mixed
bag ranging from rom-com to deep sexual problems.

M O V I E S

Released 11 May 2012

* The Vow (10M L)
* Shame (18 LNS)
* First Night (13 LNS)
* Otelo Burning (13 V)
* Dark Shadows (13 SV)
* Dangerous Ishhq (13 V)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US Top Ten. The other industry news on this page is
updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, NuMetro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Woodlands, and Labia cinemas, and SK and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 18 and 25 May
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week’s pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (nice full HD desktop)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

DVDs and BluRays:

Titles and details up later at
http://www.moviesite.co.za/videos/new.htm

(being held up by the Film and Publications Board site not working properly)

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads…

Cheers, Ian

—————————————————————————

I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

—————————————————————————

Signs…

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: “No trespassing without
Permission.”

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: “Take note: When this sign
is submerged, the river is impassable.”

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: “Customers who find our waitresses rude ought
to see the manager.”

In a Botswana jewellery shop: “Ears pierced while you wait.”

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: “No children allowed!”

Also inside a Malawian Lakeside bar, “We have agreed with the Banks that
they sell No beer and we give No Credit!”

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: “It is strictly
forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a
man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each
other for that purpose.”

—————————————————————————

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who
was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for
clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of
night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?” and so on. Too
shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a
long hot soak — pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told
that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went
upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was
greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he bent naked over the
bath cleaning the tub.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, “For crying
out loud, don’t you EVER stop?”

—————————————————————————

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying “God bless Mummy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa”.

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said,
“I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day
grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the
father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like
this: “God bless Mummy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Oh my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other
side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say
“God bless Mummy, and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went
home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s
the matter?”

He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of
my life.”

She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened
to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”

—————————————————————————

What did cured ham actually have?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Wouldn’t it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply
press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realise you haven’t
fallen asleep yet.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labour!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

—————————————————————————

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused
and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat,
or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..”
“Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow
shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
The Moviesite at http://www.moviesite.co.za
South Africa’s greatest movie site.