MoxieLife

Best of 2009 Blog Challenge

goodwolve — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:15:06 -0600

Gwen Bell is hosting a challenge to capture 2009 in the month of January. Almost 300 blogs are participating by writing about the prompts that she has given. Today's prompt is:

December 4 Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

It's funny, but I read hundreds of books a year in many different categories -fiction, non-fiction, spirituality, business, tech, psychology, science, graphic novels, adult contemporary, ya... etc. And there are some that I just keep coming back to over and over. This year the book that touched my heart most deeply was Jack Kornfield's A Path with Heart. It is a simple explanation of Vipassana sitting instruction. When I was in some of my darkest hours this year I grasped onto the clear instructions for sitting meditation presented in the book and my heart was lighter. My copy is old and the pages are musty, but the information is as relevant today as when I purchased the copy at Green Apple books in San Francisco. I am grateful that this teacher/author wrote down a path towards clearing the mind. It is a book that, curled up in my chair in my room, helped me make sense of the feelings and thoughts rushing around in my head.

Photo by Jelene

goodwolve — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:57:18 -0600

I have been wrapped up in family and work - more soon. Latest thoughts have been about the military deployment in Afghanistan, remembering to slow down, and getting ready for the holiday season. More about all of that soon!

goodwolve — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:57:18 -0600

Silent Retreat, the interview & last thoughts - part 4

goodwolve — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:53:00 -0600

After I slept that horrible sleep of the guilty (balloon popper and mouse mind) I woke at 5:30 to greet the sun. We sat, had a silent breakfast, sat, and then we had interviews with Joy. Throughout the morning and afternoon she met with those that were interested for a brief interview/session with her to see how it was all going. One by one people walked out to the bench she was sitting on at the far edge of the pond.

The Interview

As I sat down we discussed any things rather then detail the conversation here are some excerpts - I warn you that this a bit hippy dippy, but here it is:

When people say "they'll pray for me" or express their path with Jesus I can choose to see that as lovingkindness. I can choose to believe that they don't have the words/vocabulary/cultural ability to just say that they care for me and wish me well. That in their cultural reference they are expressing those things the best they can. I can choose that or I can choose to flip them off.

By constantly defending my version of reality I am missing the show - I am only seeing it through the narrow hole of "the atheist" not as the person experiencing life with other people.

She suggested that there might be extreme trauma from my mother that I am carrying - my mother did experience and inflict extreme trauma. And that might have caused my adrenal gland to either be smaller than others or to just race to flight or fight quicker.

We talked about my position as a defender - a warrior. That perhaps always being prepared for battle - to defend - shuts down that capacity to love. It is hard to love when you are covered in armor.

She said that Stephen Levine would call me an Orthodox Atheist, which by her account, is a hard path - the path of the skeptic. The hard part is to not be zealous, not to have rigid thinking and to find the strength to know but also to love.

My 40th Thing

She said my 40th thing (on my 40/40 Challenge) would be "Releasing dear Jack Frances to his own energetic resonance, and the need to defend that space "for "daddy." - What does that mean? To not defend his way of thinking - to let him go - and to experience life as it is happening. If you are interested I'll share more about that.

And then we sat, ate, sat, shared in a circle and dashed out to our cars as it started to pour for the journey home.

The Way Home

All the way home my friend Kath and I chatted. We talked about the weekend, what we thought, we laughed. It was great. The funniest part is that the two women that I didn't like she also didn't like - on sight. We never talked about it. It was just instinctual. We laughed because we never did find the shower and after 3 days we were pretty ripe. We could have asked, but were to busy sitting silently to think about it. As Kath would say, "all I was asking for was a clean crotch." Amen sister! Amen.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. It was fantastic and completely jumpstarted my sitting practice at home. Can't wait to share the next time with you - better yet, come along!

Silent Retreat, where she kicks herself - Part 3

goodwolve — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:42:00 -0600

So, we had our little Dharma Q&A and then we had dinner, sat, did a zen walking practice, metta practice, and then off to bed.

Here is my account of that lovely evening - or where I was standing in the river: Terrible nights sleep. Woke up once, just woke up at 1:30 am. Fell back to sleep. Woke up in a complete panic. I had heard or thought I had heard a noise in the room. A mouse, or worse, a snake (my husband later reminded me that a snake makes no noise). I woke up and sat straight up in the bed - I was so scared that I could see the lenses of my eyes. The force of my sitting up gave me the sensation of seeing behind my eyes. Such fear. I listened intently and then dug deep within my covers.

The thoughts turning around in my head kept me awake and churning. I was angry at myself for deflating the room yesterday. They were all so bouyed up by their beliefs. It was if I was a balloon popper - coming into the room with my rational thinking needle to stick into thier thought bubbles.

And in that there is both a sense of regret and pleasure.

Again, is it more important for me to be right or defend my rightness then for myeslf and others to be happy? (Oh, that damn constant theme.)

Isn't it enough to have a strength in my foundation? To walk my path and to let that be a testament to who I am. Why do I, just like the televangelist, feel the need to prostelysze my point of view (my story).

Granted, we all know that I have the belief that religion ruins everything. I also know it is the practice of religion that ruins everything. But my need for stark order and practices does not negate the need of others to drum, dance, praise, or chant. A reminder that everyone is in a different place in the river.

I, myself, have danced, chanted, drummed, and now in my own personal evolution I just want a practice that is nothing. A mirror of my belief that there is essentially nothing.

And then the idea that although they may have been appalled at my lack of generosity of their particular belief system - I am not the Balloon Popper. I am just another voice on their evolutionary ride down the spiritual river. (Mustn't think I am "all that".)

Heady stuff - bourgeois really. To have the option to think these inane things in the middle of the night - so privileged. So fortunate. So scary, at the time.

More tomorrow on the last and final day - with some, hopefully, funny experts.