Chances are, you’re likely in the presence of a conservative republican! Not to fear. You don’t need to run away or start sweating profusely. You’ll be just fine with these 5 conversation starters that you can use right now when you have nothing in common with a conservative republican.

1. When in doubt, just shake your head and say, “Hillary Clinton.” If you want to get them really going, just add, “The Clinton Foundation.” You don’t have to provide any supporting evidence. Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Foundation are some of the biggest, if not the biggest talking points after Obama for a conservative republican. They will wax poetic about how Clinton is the biggest criminal since Jack the Ripper, and will go so far as to say that The Clinton Foundation is not only smuggling children from Eastern Europe, but laundering money for their drug dealer friends. When the conversation starts to die down, say, “There should be an indictment by now if Loretta Lynch and Eric Holder didn’t. . .” Don’t worry. You don’t have to finish the thought. The conservative republican will spend the next several minutes finishing the thought for you, as he or she gives you a treatise on how our legal system is supposed to work.

2. “I’m not a big fan of Trump but I’ll tell you this much. I rather have him than Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders any day of the week.” There are many never Trumpers among the mostly National-Review-reading-conservative-republican crowd. Further, by saying that you are not a “big fan” of Trump, indicates that you think you’re better than those who wore those stupid Make America Great Again red hats for him, which is what all conservative republicans feel about those who wore those stupid Make America Great Again red hats for him. You’re making a connection, and you also smartly couched that sentiment with two people conservative republicans really despise, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.

3. “People kill people. Guns don’t kill people.” You can use this as a canned response for any, and I mean any conversation that invariably comes up about gun control. For instance, if someone says, “The Supreme Court’s Heller decision reaffirmed what we all knew about the Second Amendment.” Just nod your head and say, “That’s right. People kill people. Guns don’t kill people.” You’ll get a lot of, “That’s absolutely right,” and people will start talking about how the “musket” and “militia” examples used by progressive democrats are wrong. They will then go into a philosophical discussion about natural rights, and if things are really good, will contend “if we just could put God back into the schools.”

4.  “Wasn’t Black Panther great?” Conservative republicans are very aware that they are usually portrayed by the media as racists. Whether that is fair or not is beside the point, other than that conservative republicans are very sensitive to charges of being racist. By pointing out that you a) went to go see Black Panther and b) that you thought it was great, is enough to make everyone feel comfortable that you’re definitely not some secret Trump supporter or otherwise a racist. In that regard, you will come to the implicit agreement that you both are enlightened conservative republicans with high degrees of education. This is obviously a good starting point for a conversation with a conservative republican.

5. “Do you think we’ll ever have a president as great as Calvin Coolidge?” Most people think that conservative republicans love Ronald Reagan. For the most part, that is true, but conservative republicans really, really love Calvin Coolidge. He was the only president born on the Fourth of July for Chrissakes. He was a champion of fiscal restraint and small government, two terms that conservative republicans actually had copyrighted. They won’t know a lot of facts about Coolidge other than that he is one of the forefathers of the Conservative movement. Of course, that will provide that person with a springboard in which to talk about how this country was so much better “back then” when there was no government “running our lives.”

Let me know how these conversation starters worked out for you! And if you have any additional conversation starters, please let me know in the comments!

Stay tuned for tomorrow, where I’ll give you 5 conversation starters you can use with a Trump supporter.

Have you been at a barbeque or some other social event where there are progressive Democrats, who apart from maybe being human, don’t seem to have anything in common with you?

Do you find it hard to strike up a conversation in these kinds of situations? Are you not sure what to say or how to say it?

Fear no more, my loyal readers.

Here are 5 conversation starters you can use immediately when you meet a progressive democrat out in the wild. You’ll be able to fit right in, and you won’t face any fear of being shamed somehow on Twitter for not clearly understanding or even knowing the pressing issues of our time.

1. After asking a progressive democrat how they’re doing, respond first by shaking your head slowly, and then say, “I can’t believe Trump is still in office. It’s just crazy. I wish I could explain it to some of my friends in France.” Bashing Trump is a favorite discussion point for progressive democrats. You don’t even have to bring up what exactly you take issue with about Trump’s conduct. The fact that you declare your general disbelief in the Trump presidency, and that you have friends in France, is enough not only to give you 100 percent legitimacy in their eyes but provides that progressive democrat with a springboard to launch into a multi-count indictment listing all of Trump’s failures. Just nod your head and every so often say, “I didn’t realize it was that bad” or “I can only imagine what Rachel Maddow had to say about that.”

2. “The Second Amendment. Jeez. Do we really need that anymore?” Gun control has always been a hot topic for progressives. But instead of just asking out of the blue, “What are your thoughts on gun control?”, which seems like the kind of question your high school teacher would ask, you want to bring up the constitutional angle, confirming that you are enlightened enough to realize that the Second Amendment is outdated. Nod aggressively when the progressive democrat gives you a history lesson about the meaning of the second amendment, particularly when he or she brings up the “musket” and “militia” points. You can extend the conversation further when the progressive democrat invariably lists the memberships to gun control organizations and/or listservs he or she belongs to. Just ask, “What does ________ organization do, and how can I get involved?”

3.  “Did you hear that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are going to be co-teaching a free online seminar together on economics and equity?” When the progressive democrat asks you whether that’s a joke or not, laugh a little, which shows you understand that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have differing viewpoints. But then go on and tell them you have a close friend at MSNBC, a “senior” editor in fact, who says the seminar is in the works. You citing MSNBC gives your story instant credibility, and for all sakes and purposes, your story has now become true. The progressive democrat will tell you how “interesting” it is that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are teaching a class together, then spend several minutes justifying why he or she either voted for Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Jill Stein, or someone else maybe you never heard of. The conversation will then swing back around toward bashing Trump and what a horrible world we live in.

4. “The battery on my Prius is on the fritz.” 84.6 percent of progressive democrats own a Prius, and nothing strikes more fear into their hearts than a dead Prius battery. Progressive Democrats love their Priuses and, more particularly, what a Prius represents. For instance, a progressive democrat will not take their Prius to the local Jiffy Lube, because cheap places like that don’t know how to take care of a Prius’s special and unique electronics. A Prius battery is not like the battery you can get at Sears. It’s a very, very special battery that is ecologically mined from the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean by fair trade workers. That’s why the battery is worth 90 percent of the car’s value, and why it’s so expensive to replace. Alerting a progressive democrat that your Prius battery is in danger will garner you a lot of sympathies. Further, as to the small percentage of progressive democrats you encounter that don’t own a Prius, do not worry, the conversation starter still works. You see, that remaining 15-16 percent of progressive Democrats who don’t own a Prius actually ride bikes or skateboards only. That’s a good segue for them to explain to you why these modes of transportation are not only superior but reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.

5. “In the age of Trump, I’m trying to get another yard sign that really tells people how I feel about (choose one: immigration, racism, women’s rights, science, etc.), but I want to make sure the message is on point and produced on recyclable materials by workers being paid a living wage. Do you have any ideas?” This is a softball, open-ended question for a progressive democrat. It’s the kind of question that a progressive democrat dreams of getting, one where they are not only being asked for their expertise, but also to showcase how much knowledge they have that can fit into a line. You don’t have to do anything after this except to nod every so often as the progressive democrat gives you dozens, if not hundreds, of deep quotes that vaguely sound like memes you saw on Facebook.

So there you have it. Never get stuck in silence again when you meet a progressive democrat and have nothing in common!

Do let me know in the comments how these conversation starters worked out for you. And, of course, if you have any other conversation starters you’d like to share, please do so in the comments!

Tomorrow, I’ll share 5 conversation starters you can use when you meet a conservative republican and have nothing in common. Stay tuned!

Believe it or not, it’s not just something you spread on your bagel or use to make cheesecake.

Here are 5 household uses for cream cheese you never knew about:

1. Don’t have Mastic or Ceramic Tile Adhesive? Everyone loves a backsplash in their bathroom or kitchen. It makes your house look amazing and, more importantly, shows you have good taste. You may even have an unused box of tiles in the basement for a project that you thought you’d start three years ago but never did. Now that you want to start the project because you saw a cool DIY video on Facebook, you realize you don’t have any Mastic or ceramic tile adhesive. But you’re too impatient to drive twenty plus minutes to walk arund aisle after aisle for 90 minutes at the Home Depot or Lowes for an overpriced container of that sticky pasty stuff. Look no further than your refrigerator. Spread some cream cheese on the wall and get to to work! And for the grout, if you don’t have any, you can also use flour and water (2:1) with a bit of kitty litter (1/2 of water ratio) mixed in.

2. Don’t have your Lancome or Loreal beauty mask cream? We all know the importance of moisturizing and rejuvenating your face. One of the best ways to do this is applying a natural mask that you can leave on for several minutes to get the full effects. But in these days of overused chemicals and deregulation, it’s not always healthy to put these over-the-counter beauty products on your face. But look no further than that box of cream cheese in your refrigerator. Get your cream cheese to room temperature, mix it with a wooden spoon until it’s smooth, and apply it to your face. Leave it on for about 10 minutes. You might have glowing and healthy skin after!

3. Have a stain on your couch and not sure how to get it out? It seems like for every stain, you need a separate product to get it out. I can’t keep track of what to do. Nothing can be more frustrating than getting a stain on your expensive couch and not knowing whether it’s the Simple Green you’re supposed to put on, or whether it’s the Sprite you’re supposed to put on first, or whether it’s some other product you know you don’t have, and by the time you get that product, the stain has set. With cream cheese, you can forget about all the confusion. Just spread the cream cheese on the stain — any stain, blood, paint, fluids, it doesn’t matter — and let it sit until the cream cheese dries. Take the cream cheese off with a knife and the stain might not be there anymore! It couldn’t be any more simpler. You can now throw away the stain charts.

4. Is your door squeaking and you don’t have WD-40? Don’t you hate it when your doors at home start to squeak? It’s a horrible situation, because when you’re sneaking around the kitchen in the middle of the night looking for something to eat without your partner knowing, a squeaking door alerts everyone to your presence. Sure, you could use WD-40 like everyone says to do, but do you really know what’s in WD-40? If it was just silicone, why do they call it WD-40? I’ll just say the terms “WMD” and “Iraq” and leave them there. Do yourself a favor and do something healthy for the environment, and your pets or small children if you have any. Put a dab of cream cheese on the squeaky part of your door and in no time the squeaks will be gone!

5. Do you have weak WI-FI? Without question, wifi has revolutionized our world, allowing us to access the internet even if we don’t have cell service. But the problem with wifi, especially at home, is that depending where you are, the strength of your signal fluctuates. How many times were you in the bathroom, watching a youtube video, and all of a sudden your phone switches out of wifi and starts using precious data on your 4G network because your wifi signal can’t reach you. Don’t despair, and don’t spend the extra money on one of those questionable wifi boosters. Get your cream cheese to room temperature and spread it around the antenna only of your wifi router. You should see, as a few unpublished studies have pointed out, a 45% increase in the strength of your wifi signal.

BONUS:

Do you have a chest cold? This was a horrible year for the cold and flu, which means it was a good year for drug companies making millions and millions of dollars selling medicine to the public. But what if I told you there was a natural way to cure your cold that didn’t involve ginger or Vicks? Next time you start feeling congestion, spread some room temperature cream cheese all over your chest before you go to sleep. Make sure you put some gauze over the cream cheese so that it doesn’t come off while you sleep. You should feel better when you wake up!

Do you have a hole in your tire? The flat tire on your bike or while you’re driving will inevitably happen. If it hasn’t happened already, I’m sure you know what an inconvenience it is. Sometimes you have to rack up hundreds of dollars in towing bills or you have to walk several miles to get some help. But fear no longer. Keep some cream cheese in your glove compartment or in your bike’s kit bag. Anytime there’s a hole or some other puncture in your tire, just fill it with cream cheese and wait a few minutes for it to dry. You might be on the road in no time!

Please let me know if you tried any of these household hacks above. And, if you have other household uses for cream cheese that aren’t listed here, let us know in the comments!

Don’t get me wrong, though. Finding the “right” get-rich quick opportunity isn’t easy. Like many others, I tried making my fortune on ebay. That didn’t last very long, as I found it hard to compete with chinese companies that were selling electronics with a 5 cent profit margin.

I later tried buying and selling real estate with no money down, but I could never get through all the instructional videos by that short guy with the fancy car and house who sometimes shows up as a commercial for youtube videos, so I never actually bought anything.

I even tried selling information about how to get rich, but I never got rich before to have any authority on the topic and, to make matters worse, all the information I was trying to sell was already being offered for free by like 44 different people.

As I sat in my parent’s basement trying to figure out what to do next, I came up with a glorious idea that I know is going to make me and many others rich. Drum roll please . . . .

The hottest investment trend in the coming months will be the rise of the Cell Phone Addiction Company. I kid you not. There is a plethora of people who need this treatment, and Cell Phone Addiction Companies are going to be in great demand until the government tries to license the practice. But until then, there is money to be made!

Let’s be honest here. As many people try, and fail, to cure their cellphone addiction, many cellphone addiction companies will fill the void, particularly for those that have neither the time, health insurance, or privilege to see a licensed psychologist. The opportunity is ripe for a solid investment in this burgeoning industry, particularly if you yourself are addicted (or pretend that you aren’t addicted but you know deep down that you are) to cellphones. As I believe the great Tony Robbins said on one of those Inc. videos on Facebook, “You have to speak from a place of authority.” Put another way, to become a great investor in a Cell Phone Addiction Company, you yourslf have to understand the issue of cellphone addiction.

To that end, here are 5 signs that you have a cell phone addiction. Don’t ignore the signs! Once you do, then invest in a Cell Phone Addiction Company or start your own, make a lot of money, and then hopefully you’ll get interviewed by CNN Money or better yet become the subject of a BuzzFeed article! Just don’t forget to reference this article, please!

1. YOU ARE READING THIS POST ON A CELL PHONE: First off, I’m not sure how you came across this article. If you somehow googled this, then you went through at least 13 pages on Google to find it. Enough said, right?

2. YOU ARE READING THIS POST ON A CELL PHONE IN YOUR CAR WHILE AT A RED LIGHT: This is related to the first sign, but really? You’re reading this post while stopped at a red light? Sure, convince yourself that you’re a safe driver because the car isn’t moving while you’re reading your phone.

3. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING PUTTING YOUR CELL PHONE INTO GRAYSCALE MODE OR YOU HAVE AT SOME POINT: For the last couple of years, the same kind of “anti-addiction” advice keeps getting recycled like an old pair of socks, that is, “change your phone into grayscale mode la la la la la.” You’re really at that point in your life where you think maybe you’d look at your phone less if everything you looked at was a horrible looking gray? Do that for an hour or two, and maybe you’ll have a little more sympathy for those who are color blind.

4. YOU CAN REPEATEDLY TOUCH YOUR THUMB TO YOUR INDEX FINGER FASTER THAN 15 TIMES IN 10 SECONDS. Did you really actually just try to do that? Just go straight to a Cellphone Addiction Company. Right now.

5. YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR BELLY BUTTON FOR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS. Are you sitting down right now? Are you standing in line? Are you at the dinner table? Now look down, curve your back and neck. That’s good. Now curve your back and neck just a little more. Got it? Now stare at your bellybutton, or what you believe it to look like underneath your clothes. Count to 30. Did you count to 30? If you didn’t count to 30, it means you have a cell phone addiction.

So there you have it folks. Those are the 5 main signs that you have a cell phone addiction, as determined by scientists, sociologists, and the hive mind on Facebook.

What does this really mean when you cut through the hyperbole and government talk?  According to Vice President Biden, the threat is “credible,” because there are “specifics”, i.e., “car bombs” were described during what I assume was an intercepted or series of intercepted conversations.  The information in the intercepted conversations was not “confirmed,” according to Biden however, because there is no other evidence — read: not even a scintilla of evidence — that corroborates the intercepted statements that “car bombs” would be used.

In fact, what is telling is that the CIA or the NSA or the DEA or whoever else was doing wiretapping has not even suggested or intimated who they were wiretapping.  I assume the target or targets the three letter acronym agencies were wiretapping weren’t high value or even medium value or even low value. Because, let’s assume this: they were wiretapping a suspected terrorist or it came across an intercepted conversation of an unknown person talking to a suspected terrorist or an associate of a suspected terrorist, then the suggestion could at least be articulated that the intercepted conversations describing the “car bomb” threat are not completely “unconfirmed.”

For all we know, the three letter agencies wiretapped a sheep farmer who said, “Hey, did you hear from Ibrahim that he heard from Muhammed that he believes Al Queda might use car bombs on around Sept 11 in New York City?”

Under the definition and standards given by our government, this would be a “credible” but “unconfirmed” threat.

I think it’s fair to say that I don’t want to get blown up or seen anyone  blown up by a damn car bomb.  But I don’t know what or who the hell these announcements serve, other than to do one or all of the following: raise fear, breed apathy, increase overtime for law enforcement, or provide legitimacy to Homeland Security and other government agencies.  They are not much different than the color threat rating levels.

These announcements provide us with absolutely no information and in my opinion, make us less vigilant, not more.

In places like upstate New York, like Syracuse, Rochester, or Buffalo, blizzard conditions would not have been necessarily front page news for the government, because they have the systems in place to deal with such a weather contingency.  But one foot of snow in upstate New York is a lot of different than one foot of snow in New York City.  For starters, New York City requires much more preparation and planning to galvanize its workers to ensure that the snow is cleared by the plows, both because of the City’s size, as well as the simple fact that heavy snow is not part of the usual NYC winter landscape.

Given all this, at first it was hard to understand why the City was so thoroughly unprepared by the blizzard.  The arguments that were put forward by the City, as well as outlined by many major media outlets, centered around after-the-fact arguments that did nothing to explain why the government was unprepared — thoroughly unprepared — by the blizzard.  These two arguments generally revolved around: 1) there were too many cars stuck in the road for clean up crews and 2) there was a huge fire in Queens.

Within two days of the storm, the estimates quickly went from a foot to as much as 16 inches. This should have clearly moved whatever myopia was over Mayor Bloomberg’s cash infested upper east side loving brain.   But it didn’t.  Instead, Bloomberg decided to do the business as usual plan: mobilize the efforts a few hours after the snow began falling.

That works when you have unsustained snow totaling no more than two or three inches — which is considered usually a “heavy” snowfall for New York City.  When you’re dealing with snowfalls greater than a foot, you can’t start the cleanup after the snow begins falling, because a) it’s falling fast and b) the potential for vehicles not part of the cleanup crew to block the streets increases.  That is why some cities close certain roads to ensure that the cleanup effort is not hampered.  To be sure, the City did recommend  that non-essential driving be kept to a minimum — but it did so only the next morning, when no one in the outer-boroughs could drive anywhere anyway.

It is thus no surprise that the City was and still is a damn mess.  Roads are still unplowed.  Buses are still stuck in the middle of the road.  Trains are not functioning.  People can’t get to work.  The City is still at a standstill.  And the sad fact is that it’s going to be like that for a little while.  To be clear,  when I say the City, I should mention that I’m defining it as the outer-boroughs and parts of Manhattan that do not include the upper east side.  Because to Bloomberg, it seems that the only part of the City that matters to him is the upper east side.  And everything else falls to the wayside in proportion to how far you are away from East 79th Street.

The outer-boroughs look like something from Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.”  I know people who can’t get to dialysis because they’re plowed in and can’t either take a taxi or bus to the clinic.  You would not see this on the upper east side.  Their roads will be clear and then wonder why everyone else is complaining.  They say, “If only people were self-reliant.”

In fact, in the throes of the storm, the one place where you could really drive a car, even if you had a Toyota Prius, was on the upper east side.  Bloomberg, for his part, was his testy little Kim Jong-Il self when, in response to criticisms of his leadership (or lack of it more precisely) during the blizzard, he stated, “There’s no reason for everybody to panic.  Our city is doing exactly what you’d want it to do.”

Really, Mr. Bloomberg?  You are completely out of touch.

Nowadays, when most people think of Raisin Bran, they are thinking of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.   You know, the one with the “two scoops.”  Not surprisingly, Kellogg’s raisin bran is the most popular raisin bran in the United States, regardless of whether the flakes are small, the raisins are dried out, and it’s loaded with sugar, I mean, high-fructose corn syrup.  Enter “raisin bran” in google, and Kellogg’s Raisin Bran will be the first listing that pops up.

Post Raisin Bran, on the other hand, has bigger flakes and the raisins are a lot fluffier.  In their mind, and rightfully so, they feel they should have a larger share of the raisin bran market.  They’re better than Total Raisin Bran or some of the other knock offs or late comers to the Raisin Bran Wars.

So what does Post Raisin Bran do?  They make their cereal box eerily similar to the Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Box.  Same purple themed tone.  And, as you can see in the picture below, they even put Kellogg’s — in the same distinctive “Kellog’s” font no less — front and center on the box, right above a smaller label for “Post.”  If you were to look at this quickly, you would think, “Oh, it’s a Kellog’s Post Raisin Bran Cereal.”

Seems to me that this looks a lot like false advertising.  Decide for yourself.

Contador, on the other hand, has regressed every year, and has expressed his egotistical instincts outwardly, like a little child, not like a champion professional bike racer that he should be.  Professional bike racing is forty five percent talent, forty percent your team, and fifteen percent politics.  Contador has not mastered the latter, and has pissed on the second.

It is thus with no great surprise that many pros are outwardly supporting Contador with his recent positive drug test, in the sense that they urge a fair review of Contador’s samples.   But inwardly, they are laughing, in that, “That mother*&^%^& had it coming” kind of way.  It’s the fate of professional bike racing.  You act immature, the professional bike racing god will piss on you.  The most successful bike riders who are now legends praised and respected the god.  For that reason, Armstrong will never get caught in a doping scandal . . . that sticks.  All the haters can cry all they want, but nothing has stuck.  Nothing.

Contador, on the other hand, got his hand in the cookie jar.  Not simply an allegation, but a suspension based on a test.

Anyway, good luck, Contador.  I’m really sure it was a piece of meat that caused the spike in your system.

To begin, Adorama is B&H’s little brother. While B&H appears to take up a whole city block on 34th Street, Adorama seems cozy and less institutional, with its hardwood floors and crowded floor space. I generally go to Adorama for my photo supplies, because it’s a little more convenient to get to and it carries more in-stock Voigtlander products than B&H. Apart from sometimes spotty and rushed service you get at Adorama (you get this at B&H and J&R, too), it’s a solid place to get your equipment from knowledgeable staff. (J&R is the last place you want to go to if you want sane advice).

I figured because it was such a good store, I’d figure their “Adoramapix” would be great, too, and particularly the framing department. Their website, Adoramapix, seemed snazzy and professional enough to take a chance with ordering pictures and having it framed. A one stop online shop. Boy was I completely wrong about that one on numerous levels.

While the ordering process was really easy with their automated “upload” and “pick a frame” system on their website, the order fulfillment was a completely different story.

1) I received an email a few days after I placed an order that the frames were ready to pickup at the store. I went to the store and my order was not there. The person stationed at Adoramapix (their section is tucked in the corner near the cash registers) explained that this is “normal,” in that, “you will get an email saying it is ‘ready’ for pickup, but it’s not really ‘ready,’ because of the framing part.” That was a bit of an interesting explanation, because the order was for a picture in a frame. That was the order, not simply a printed picture. There’s a million places in the City that can do that well while you wait.

2) Okay, fair enough. It wasn’t that long of a subway ride and I don’t mind going to the Adorama store to browse around. The Adoramapix agent explained that it “will definitely be ready in a couple of days.” I said, “Alright, fine.” I was giving the place the benefit of the doubt.

3) A couple of days later, I called the store to confirm whether my order was ready for pickup. The following conversation ensued:

Me: I’m just calling to confirm whether my order was ready for pickup.
Adoramapix: It’s not ready for pickup. It’s still pending.
Me: But I was told that it would be ready today.
Adoramapix: Well it’s not ready.
Me: Okay, when will it be ready?
Adoramapix: It takes five to seven business days.
Me: From the date I placed the order?
Adoramapix: Yes.
Me: But I placed the order more than seven business days ago.
Adoramapix: Well, it’s still pending. It should be ready in a couple of days.

At this point, I realized the conversation was going nowhere. I figured they probably put the people who couldn’t quite cut it on the main floor at Adoramapix, because the person I spoke with seemed irritated that I was calling. Okay, maybe she was having a bad day, even though it was on 10a.m. I was still giving the place the benefit of the doubt, despite the fact that the order was late.  It would have been comforting to hear Adoramapix admit the order was late, but I would get no such admission.

4) I went to the store later that day to speak with manager, Morris Freeman. I wanted some assurance that the order was going to be done, particularly since a) an Adoramapix representative said it would be done and it wasn’t and b) the order was past due. Mr. Freeman couldn’t help me because the building where they do all the framing is “a couple of buildings away.” I asked, “Um, maybe you could call them?” He said, “No one picks up over there.” I said, “Okay. What do you want me to do here?” He said, “You can cancel your order or you can come back in a few days. It should be done then.”

I wasn’t going to cancel my order, even though a part of me believed that my order wasn’t even started, so there wasn’t much “canceling” to do. But I was in a good mood and said, “Okay, I’ll come back on Friday.” Mr. Freeman said, “It will be ready by then, for sure.” I said, “That’s what the other person told me.”

5) I came back on Friday and, not to my surprise, the order wasn’t done. It was still “pending.” Now my patience was starting to run a bit thin. The order was already four days past the five to seven business day promise. Mr. Freeman was not available, and none of the two Adoramapix employees had any idea what to do apart from look at a stack of boxes in the back.

6) The following week, I went back and the order was complete. Hallelujah! But when I returned to my office and opened up the box, everything was off. The picture wasn’t securely in the matte. The frame was scratched. The black and white picture I had ordered had a green tint. This is something I would expect from Target or CVS, but not Adorama. Photography is their primary business.

This is the last time I’m ordering from Adoramapix. Perhaps I just had a bad, isolated experience, but I’ve received no apologies, no discounts, nothing from Adoramapix. I’ve spoken with a few of my colleagues who ordered frames from Adoramapix, and they’ve had issues with timely order fulfillment. The bottom line seems to be this: be wary of Adoramapix frameshop, particularly if you are on a schedule, as most normal people are. Adoramapix has been unapologetically inferior in every way. I advise to avoid it until they fix their issues.

There are several other places that will do the same type of work at a much quicker pace, both online and in New York City.

But don’t despair, my cynical New Yorkers.  There are pockets of good to genuine good in the City that makes you believe that not only can the City work, but that government in this damn City could work.  It’s a mind-blowing concept.  And particularly mind-blowing when what we’re talking about here are public pools.

I think even before a dentist, a public pool in New York City is the least likely place that a rational New Yorker would want to visit.  Thoughts of piss and other substances in the pool.  Teenage thugs with wild, rabid pitbulls roaming the deck.  A multitude of painful and violent crimes waiting for those not in the right gang in the locker room.  Just all around unsanitary and unsafe conditions that would even make Kurt Russell in Escape from New York uncomfortable.

Enter Red Hook Swimming Pool, located on 155 Bay Street (between Henry and Clinton Streets), in Red Hook Brooklyn (or to people who just nod but don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, a fifteen minute walk from Ikea or Fairway Supermarkets [and if you can’t walk for fifteen minutes, really, should you be swimming?]; and to people who don’t know there was either an Ikea or Fairway in Red Hook, or even where Red Hook is, stay in New Jersey, and Hoboken, New Jersey, is still New Jersey).   This is the epitome of New York City government efficiency that puts the more fearful conceivable myths you have about NYC public pools and throws it down the drain.

1)  Is there piss in the pool? No, there’s no piss in the pool.  In fact, the water is extraordinarily clean.  Surprisingly clean.  Amazingly clean.  It doesn’t smell overly like chlorine, like some pools, that are simply compensating for the lead and uranium in their water.  There’s also no crap in the pool.

2) So, the pool, what is it, ten feet by ten feet? The pool seems bigger than an olympic size pool.  No kidding.  You would need a fisheye lens just to get all of it.  I was there on one of the hottest days of the summer so far.  There were about three hundred people in and around the pool.  It did not at all seem crowded.  It took five minutes for me to walk from the locker room to the opposite side of the pool.

3) How many lifeguards? There are lifeguards everywhere.  And they’re professional lifeguards.  Not lifeguards who are just checking out the bodies.  The lifeguards here actually look like they can swim.  They all wear recognizable orange uniforms and carry those floating devices like the ones on Baywatch.

4) It must be a madhouse in and around the pool, right? Wrong.  It kind of has the vibe of a senior citizen’s pool but without the senior citizens.  It’s quiet but not deathly Long Island or Westchester quiet.  It’s respectful.  It has the sounds of summer innocence, when you could play basketball from dawn to dusk without having to worry about drug dealers, where the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was the most hardcore mainstream media that you saw, and Michael Jordan was still trying to win his first championship.  People are kept in check by the multitude of workers walking around.  There’s also security around the pool.  No music playing.  No shirt wearing in and around the pool unless it’s a white t-shirt.  No smoking.  No bags.  No food.  No drinks.  No shoes (slippers only).  No profanities.  No horseplay.  No diving.  No jumping.  No long pants.  No street clothes.  No bandanas.  No weapons.  No bums.  No crack addicts.

5) Is there a place for kids to swim? The pool doesn’t get any deeper than four feet.  That means Greg Louganis wannabees or those looking to win the next cannonball contest will be nowhere near that pool.  On one end of the pool is for lap swimming.  The other end of the pool is for general swimming.  You know, where people just wade around and bounce around and hide their pasty white and often fat bodies underneath the crystal clear water.  Then there’s a separate gated off section for toddlers.  The water is less than a foot.  There’s sprinklers and lots of colors so that your toddler or newborn can feel comfortable.  And this, too, is big.  It’s not like wading in one of those inflatable pools at a summer picnic in Bayridge or in Rego Park or in Jericho.  This is the real deal.  Most importantly,  if you don’t have a toddler or a newborn, or if you are not a toddler or a newborn, you are NOT getting into this section.

6) Okay, where can I store my stuff? You can’t get in without a lock.  You must bring a lock.  There’s a bodega a few minutes away where you can buy one if you forget to bring one.  The locker rooms are open and airy.  The lockers are square cubby holes and were probably made in the McCarthy era.  But their solid, operational, and unless you have a chainsaw or a degree in the CIA, you’re not getting into these lockers without anyone noticing.  To get to the pool, you have to walk through the locker room.  There are continuous wooden benches that are wide enough to sit or to change your toddler’s diaper without worrying about him or her falling off.  There are locker attendants.  They are not there to offer you towels, because you had to bring your own towel.  They are there to answer your questions, and they do so politely and in English.  The locker room is well lit and well ventilated.  It’s never crowded but never completely empty.  You will feel safe.  The first time you go, you will not believe that you can actually feel safe at a public pool in New York City.

7) Where do I take a shower? There are showers.  After you walk through the locker, you walk through the shower area.  And because nothing is closed off, the showers are open.  Thus, there’s not going to be a lot of privacy in the shower if you decide to take a shower, but then again, you won’t have that trapped feeling like Jason is watching you from a hidden corner ready to slice your throat or well, you saw Oz, right?

8. But the bathrooms.  They must be a disaster, right? If these were the bathrooms at the Hyatt, I’d ask for a refund, but this isn’t the Hyatt.  Then again, it’s miles above the bathroom at Penn Station, and isn’t that bathroom how men’s bathrooms in the City are compared to?  Bottom line is that, like the bathrooms, everything is open (well, the toilet stalls have doors).  This means you will never have that trapped, I’m in a shithole and I can’t escape from that psycho/rapist/voyeur/robber hiding in the shadows.  If you do have that feeling when you walk by the bathrooms, the moment is a fleeting one.  Bottom line is that it’s clean and doesn’t smell.  There’s not much else you can ask for.

9) So how the hell do I get to this place, by helicopter? It’s not as easy as going from your sofa to your kitchen sink, but it’s not difficult like going to City Island or something.

10) How much does it cost to get in? Nothing.  No shit.  Nothing.  You don’t even have to give your name or show your I.D. like you would if you got a library card.

By bus, take the B77 to Lorraine and Clinton.    Walk down Clinton (it’s a big and populated street for Red Hook), and make a right.  A few minutes later and, voila, you’re at the pool.  If you are not near the B77 bus, you can take the B61, which drops you in front of Ikea.  See the instructions below on how to walk to the pool from Ikea.

By subway, take the F or G train to Smith/Ninth Street.  The exit for that station is on Ninth.  Look to your right and go there, because that’s where Smith Street is.  Cross that street, walk to Court Street.  Take a left on Court and keep walking until you reach Bay Street.

By car:  Follow the directions on ‘how to get to Ikea.’  It’s a stone’s throw from there and takes the same route.  You must pass the pool to get to Ikea.  Also, if you don’t drive in Brooklyn, NY-27W or NY-28E is the Prospect Expressway.

By water taxi:  Get it from Pier 11 to Ikea.  Monday through Friday, it’s five bucks each way.  But Saturday and Sunday . . . it’s free.  And that’s probably when you’re going to go to the pool, right?  When you get to Ikea, it takes about a fifteen minute walk to get to the pool.  Or if for whatever reason you don’t like walking (and the walk is a nice and safe walk), there’s a multitude of respectable taxis at Ikea that will take you to the pool for a few bucks).

By Ikea shuttle bus:  Take the F, D, M, or R train to the 4th Ave/Ninth Street station.  Or  take the 2, 3, 4, 5, M, or R train to Court Street/Borough Hall.   There’s a free shuttle bus at these stations (including the one at Smith/Ninth Station) that will take you to IKEA.  Follow the instructions above once you hit Ikea.

Questions:  Call (718) 722-3211 (718) 722-7105.  Believe it or not, someone answers.