An oblique view of mountain biking in the United Kingdom

I wonder if mountain bike design has lost the plot? Are we our own worst enemies in life.

2013-05-22T23:57:00.001-07:00

OK I'll start by defining what I mean by design. I don't mean the bells and whistles of it all; the frame diameters, materials of construction or suspension internals. I mean aesthetic design; not function but the form of a mountain bike. The very shape that the bike takes when viewed from the side.

So, what am I on about? Well mountain biking is in decline and road bikes are where it is at. My local bike shop told me the other day that they don't really do mountain bikes any more, and may as well stop. It's all road now. At the time I took umbrage at this, seeing as how I was buying a £130 bit for my mountain bike. They may as well have called me old man and started pointing at me. If this same thing would have happened in back water places like Norfolk, they'd have started throwing turnips at my head.

In owning a mountain bike in East Surrey we're outcasts, shunned by society. But not in the sense that we've adopted something new and so should be treated with suspicion. No we're pariahs because we've hung on to the old ways and have not embraced the new. It doesn't help that lots of mountain bikers call other mountain bikers who have moved over to the sport of road riding as accepting the dark side. What's that all about?

Much of this has to do with Wiggins. I accept that. It's cool to have a road bike now, it really is. But some of it must also be related to both the way we dress when out and about, in quasi military gear, but also the nature of the bikes we use. Yesterday I was on the Orange Five. It's a big, black bike that stands tall and looks odd to people not in the know. My builders dismiss it, but will coo and ah over my ancient Gary Fisher Tassajara. Really, they do. They come down off the scaffolding to have a look at it and ask about the various bits on it. It looks like a bike you'd have lusted after as a kid. It's bright red.

It looks like a bike.

There you go. People like it when things look as they should, the accepted norms in life. Mountain bikes these days do not look like they should. They've got funny frames and adjustable suspension, saddles that disappear downwards. What's that all about. Who wants that at the end of a working week for a pootle along tow paths to the pub with the wife and kids? More really, as many of today's bikes don't have or can't accept mudguards. The Orange with the funny dropper seat post just looks like trouble on a wet day. Tough call trying to sell an hobby where on wet days you look as though you've soiled yourself. Or indeed one where these days you seem to need special tracks to ride the bikes on. "If I get a mountain bike I'll need to drive to a Welsh trail centre to ride it?" No, you can ride it right here, up that bridleway. "But I don't know where that goes?" Use a map. "Sat Nav?" No, map. "I'm not sure...."

Nah, I think just not being fashionable along with having adopted funny shaped bikes is a bit of a kick in the balls. We're our own worst enemies. Cammo gear and big bikes and funny lingo. Specialist trail centres in the woods. It's no wonder people think we're odd. OK I'm odd.

Yesterday on a spin I bumped into my children's martial arts instructor. He's something like a 5th Dan, so pretty hot and not one to be intimidated. I've known him almost five years, seeing him and his wife for four to five hours per week during my kid's lessons. They know me. Yet they reacted slightly badly to me being on the bike. Black clothes, big bike, muddy arse, sweaty face with an aggressive stance. It was uncomfortable so I rode off. I can see how we look to outsiders and it's not pleasant.

These days if I want to promote mountain biking it's best if I hide away the dropper post; that's a tough sell. As are the big days out in the mud and rain. If I want to promote my hobby, I take the red bike out. As simple as that. No cammo gear, no funny helmets with peaks, no watering tubes sprouting from my back. Red bike, bum bag and bottles of water in cages. Job done, people want to tag along.

So if you want turnips thrown at your head, take out the susser. If you want people to stop and chat, to call you mate in the street, either buy a road bike or get a mountain bike that looks like something a child would draw.

Simples.

501 mountain bike related things to do before you die: Bucket list number 37: Find a strange fungus.

2013-05-22T09:55:00.002-07:00

Normally a mountain bikers feet* are the prime source of fungi but on my ride out today I beat even the stuff one finds between ones toes after a wet ride in sodden shoes.

Bucket list number 37: Deadly fungi

I've no idea what this stuff is, and although obviously natural it also looked something you'd use as insulation in your home. Well you Dear Reader being normal wouldn't but I being a crap DiY'er would. Spores? What are they then?

Obviously I was out on a ride today then. Indeed it being a Wednesday morning why not? That or stop in being hassled by builders' / wife / architects. So I chose the Real Man option and ran away from the problems. Well rode away being more apt. I took the enhanced Orange Five Black out - it now sports a 2.4" Nobby Nic along with a Hope hub and Stans Flow EX rim. That's £200 spent on getting an extra 0.15" tyre width. The wheel looks very nice indeed, as does the big fat Enduro tyre, but really. What was wrong with the original 2.25" tyre and wheel? Possibly nothing. But saying this it is a nice looking bit of bling and the tyre now defines the ride. Very 1980's Cadillac.

A tyre seen yesterday.

OK the angle exaggerates the volume of this tyre, but believe me, it is big and wallowy and comfy and confidence inspiring and brakes great. No way does this thing want to break traction in the dampness of today. I quite like it and it has made me ponder on a Fatty bike from On-One. Well why not? Nay sayers state it can only be ridden on a beach. So pray tell what exactly is Headley Heath then? Just because the tide has gone out a bit doesn't mean it's no longer prime beach front property.

Naturally having the Orange Five to play with I went somewhere gnar, somewhere exciting to test the limits of man and machine. Well, er, no, not really. Only had an hour so had to be a quick twelve miles, so a round trip to Headley Heath it was. Again. The tyre rode well but it must be harder work to push around as diddums got a bit tired. On one feature I call "jump" but that anybody else would call "flat" I just couldn't be arsed to push with my legs and landed heavily on the front wheel. Honestly, it was like being a dad in one of those bouncy castles you get at kids parties, all splooshy and soft and embracing. Well as it would be seeing as how my altitude gain had been all of 2cm. Even now some hours later I can hear the bike calling me a puff.

Go on then, go get big fat tyres for your play rig. It's fun in a stupidly pointless way. Bit tough to say it's worth a £200 wheel upgrade though.

*Or AD's wallet.

Fat tyres and a slow ride. Nobby Nic 2.4"

2013-05-21T04:57:00.002-07:00

Not so long ago I spotted a BMC Trailfox fitted with 2.4 Nobby Nic tyres. They looked mahoosive! Hit my brain in the "want it now!" section so I had to get a set. Unfortunately none of my bikes would accept a rear that wide, so had to be front fitting only. Managed to find a new but unused tyre on eBay for £15, which is a bit of a bargain for a £50 tyre you'll admit. But a 2.4" tye is a little too big for my old Stans Arch rims. Hmmm, new wheel needed. eBay threw up a gold Hope Pro II Evo hub for £30, so I'll get a Stans Flow EX built up around that. Long story, but my LBS took 7 weeks to build it up, charging me £128 in the process. For a wheel I can buy complete front Hope for £118. Ah well.

Anyway, 2.4" tyre fitted to my bike, how does it ride? Initially it feels like you've overtightened the headset. It's all a bit sluggish, a bit slow to react. There's nowt in it weight wise between a 2.25" Nic and a 2.4" but the bigger tyre just feels heavy. Out of my house I have a three mile ride uphill, so at first it just felt a bit of a git and I was wondering what I'd done.

But.

Half way up my climb there is a cheeky little sandstone gulley. About 20 foot deep and angled at about 80 degrees it's a nice little fall. Just over the lip though is a sandstone outcrop that provides about a metre of vetical fun. You roll downhill to this, then drop straight down. I like it. On my old tyres it felt like a drop and was always a bit heart in mouth. No real issue with it, it just felt bad. Rolling over it on the 2.4" it just didn't exist. No sensation of dropping, just rolling. So I did it again, taking an angle to the more extreme bit where the sandstone is undercut for a foot or so. Again didn't notice it.

Hmmm, may be more to this big tyre, big wheel thing than I'd given the industry credit for. All this harping on about how 29'ers roll over stuff may well have a ring of truth to it. The 26" rim with a 2.4" tyre is more like a 650b than a 26'er. It's a big diameter wheel. It just rolled over stuff. Coming down the A217 gulley I had more speed than I was entirely comfortable with. Not much more granted; perhaps 2 or 3 mph. But that is still 10% extra, and makes a big difference to my braking spot. I normally brake just as the trail becomes lighter when the trees open up at the road. Did same today. Noooo! Too late, had to grab a real handful and my brakes stank. It was fun but note to self; brake a bit earlier with that tyre fitted.

So I really like having a big tyre. It's fun. However it was hard work to push around and I'm not so sure the speed advantages outweigh the effort one. For short haul work, yes, why not, go for it. But for longer rides 2.25" is enough.

Anatonomy of a loft conversion: the "Top Hat" scaffolding.

2013-05-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

This is our scaffolding. In wet weather it does mean that the build can continue. Our builder thinks it funny and pointless that I moan about this feature. When it rains, he points at it and smiles. Think of the time they'd spend off the job otherwise.

I agree.

But only up to a point.

IN WINDY WEATHER IT CAN FUCK OFF!

In windy weather you may as well forget about sleeping. Well unless you're my wife who seems able to sleep through anything. For three days the wind blew, and people were making jokes about our house being similar to a sailing ship.

WELL IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO FUCKING SLEEP IT'S NOT!

So, if you are thinking of getting one, and I suggest you do if the build is as substantial as this, just remember that there will be days where sleep isn't an option.

Anatonomy of a loft conversion: When it starts to look like a house again.

2013-05-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

This is week three of our build. We're also on our third skip. That's a lot of crap, some of it was even ours. But we've been aware of bits of metal, and some rather large chunks of wood, being delivered. There's been a lot of hammering upstairs, and a few of our ceilings are no longer ceilings. The house fills with dust to the extent that we are still hoovering at 10pm. No matter how clean your builders' are, they are still men that wear toe 'tectors indoors. We don't mind. At work I can clump around in Big Boots just like the rest of them. It's fun to be manly like that. It's their job to build, let them. Don't get prissy about mess.

But once something is up, stand back and admire their creativity. They're not bulders are they? There's art and creativity to this game. I love it.

Could you make this from bits of wood and a few nails?

So, what are you looking at here? On the far left is our neighbours' creation. Ours will be similar but instead of squeezing a bathrom into the same room as they did, which wasn't a bold move, ours will be in another conversion to the rear. This is a much better solution, although one that costs a bit more money admittedly. If money is tight, then you're going to compromise on the build. Sure you can get it done this way, but down the line, when you come to sell*, you'll get screwed. The bathroom will be in the foreground, roughly to the point where the brave person taking the photograph is standing. Our bathroom here will actually be bigger than our third bedroom into which we can comfortably fit a double bed, and bigger also than the main family bathroom. Our builder actually suggested going large here, and we've gone with the idea. Again it pays to spend a bit more and get a proper builder rather than somebody that can hold a pencil behind his ear.

The big wooden box in front of you will be the adults bedroom, but not ironically the main bedroom. Our 9 year old daughter has dibbs on that, the cow. This will be a flat roofed structure, which is quite boring. We wanted something a bit more fun, but here in the UK such conversions have to be built to fall under the existing height of the building. So to maximise internal headroom you lose creativity externally. Boring but that's the way it is. As a compromise we have installed a rather excessive Juliet balcony, the opening on the right you can see. This is essentially a big window. Means we get an ideal view of the garage behind us..... Not a view to savour, but it'll make a nice feature. The slope of wood in front of this opening will be new roof.

The photograph by the way? Well you really don't want to know how it was taken. Balancing act comes to mind.

*And this is why we went for a loft conversion. We needed a new roof. It was going to cost £15,000. AD suggested going down the conversion route as we'd spend more, but actually add value to the property instead of just spaffing it on a roof. Now we could have done a single room with an en suite, which we were. But the architect came up with the twin roomed idea, building over the existing third bedroom and bathroom, and our builder has extended this even further in removing a chimney stack [another skip at £250 though!]. But, and it is a big but. It adds money to the build, but proportionally little in real terms. The roof had to come off anyway. We needed a bathroom anyway. Having a large one as opposed to a small crappy one stuck into a corner isn't really costing us anything. The room isn't free, but in terms of cost versus additional value, then it adds way, way more to the property value than it cost us. In one sense then, the bathroom is actually free. Man maths eh?

Anatonomy of a build: Victorian loft conversion: Finding out what the neighbours' have done.

2013-05-11T07:04:00.003-07:00

Well yes, we did have a notion that our neighbours' own conversion was a bit naughty. We ignored it as we not only get on with them, but we both have 9 year old daughters who are bezzy mates. But once our build started the ignorance had to go away, and the hammers and wrecking bars out.

Trespass? Moi?

What did they do? Their loft conversion stole some of our space. They overbuilt on to our property by around 10cm. It was a bit naughty at the time, and still is really. Makes you wonder what other buggerations they've done? Anyway it's all gone now, into our skip. All cost us money, naturally.

Nightshift worker? Best not sleep here then.

Anatonomy of a build: Loft conversion: When the steel work goes in.

2013-05-11T06:58:00.001-07:00

Got an old house that you are intending to do a loft conversion on? Well you'll need steel for that, that and some serious woodwork upstairs. The steel [RSJ - rolled steel joint] is to add strength to the house where there is none. You can't just expect the existing walls to take the additional loadings, they need help. Similarly the existing ceiling joists, they need beefing up. Possibly not to the extent that we've gone for, but they will none the less. Hence the need for some serious steel to bridge the gaps between supporting walls, and to provide some strength to the conversion. Indeed own a Victorian house like ours and the steel provides most of the strength.....

The manual lift.

So, the RSJ, or "steels" as builders' are wont to call them. Big. Heavy. Bastards. They take some manhandling to get in. Quite frankly when they go in, you don't want to be. Your house will shake, quite a lot. There's a lot of noise, not only the loud banging that you expect, but if you have cavity walls you get falling maisonery within the cavity. A ceiling or two may partially collapse; three of ours have. We were warned about this, so expected it. But even so, ceilings falling down? Whatever next.

The first steel in.

The bones of course is that now after having watched an alarming amount of your house go into skips [£250 each per load by the way] you at least now get to see the benefit of where your money is going. For a week you've watched the skips fill, builders get increasingly dirty, and your house get rather cold - no roof and broken ceilings does that. But then, over a few days, a shape emerges from the ruins. Your house is still trashed, and you'll be hoovering dust up until gone 10pm, but at least something positive is happening. The builders also start to get a little happier, a little more friendly. They like building after all. Here you have to have a bit of a thick skin. As like children, builders' somehow think that if they can't see you, then you can't hear them discussing you. It's funny going about house chores whilst somebody is dissing you and themselves at the same time. Oddly it means we've warmed to them a bit more.

Some alarmingly strong woodwork.

It's May and the Bluebells finally came out today.

2013-05-07T05:39:00.003-07:00

Went for a spin out this morning; my third in three days. Weather fantastic and today I had the trails to myself. So I took this little image of my PACE RC303.

Really rather pleasant.

This was taken along one of my favoured trails....

Which rather nicely leads to my favoured bit of track here in West Surrey; the sandstone drop. This is a little unnerving, as it's quite steep with a 40cm vertical fall over a sandstone outcrop. Kind of odd having your front wheel drop straight down but this is actually quite an easy bit to ride.

I'll try and get an image of me riding the outcrop as it will be a tad more interesting than this! Bit hard to do when you are out on your own though.

Naturally amongst all this natural wonder the PACE developedan annoying creak from the rear Hope Pro II hub. Bet anything it's the bloody pawl springs rusted through again. The hub also seems very quiet, also suggestive of pawls not engaging properly. Although saying this I have a slight suspicion that my LBS, who did change them for free, quite probably didn't and just sprayed a bit of lube in there. I'll tear it down and see*.

*Did do later on once home. Springs rusted through, two snapped, final two not working as springs. Why? Oh because of the wax lubricant I'd used. It had somehow worked its' way into the pawls, and any water that followed got held in, rusting the mild steel springs. Now given that 2012 was the second wettest year for 100 years I know full well that the last time I used a wax was prior to my LBS 'fixing' the hub last summer. Suspect they just put a bit of lube in and didn't bother to clean it all up, or even put in new springs as the hub was oddly quiet for a Hope unit. Needless to say it's a service I'll be doing from now on. Man, the springs are only £3 a set. Why make a good customer walk away, or start to doubt the service, for the sake of a few pennies?

08/05/2013 update: Bought some new pawls and springs for the Hope Pro II hub and did the service myself. Didn't take too long. Filled down the burs on the alloy freehub body whilst I was at it. Hub now makes that wonderful Hope clicky-clicky noise again and I'm happy. Needless to say I'm a bit miffed at the LBS. Now we're all Internet savvy the High Street shops moan that we go on-line to buy our bits cheaper and that they are struggling. OK, then offer a better service and I'll shop with you, as I have been doing for years out of guilt and local business support. But when they start to take the piss, and don't even do simple jobs, what are we consumers supposed to do? I like to support my LBS but if they are not going to support me, then it all becomes a bit one sided and slightly sad.

be nice to horse riders and walkers.

2013-05-07T02:08:00.000-07:00

For my American readers I was going to do a piece on Bridleways; what they are, history and use kind of thing. But my research lasted for all of a minute before I realised that it is actually a bit of a boring topic. There are papers and papers on the subject, along with websites devoted to them. To say they are dry reading is a bit of an insult to dryness.

I can summarise: A bridleway is a pathway for horses that can be used by walkers. Cyclists do not have a right to use them per say, but are allowed to.

The moot point here being that the powers that be may remove that right.

Now who has more clout within council meetings? Us grubby mountain bikers, or the councillor's who quite probably own the land that the bridleway crosses, and their daughter Petra who attends weekly equestrian events? Not to mention the Peter Storm brigade and their staunch allegiance to keeping open all ancient land access rights.

In terms of clout in keeping bridleways open, these days the Disability Act comes first, horse riders and walkers second, and mountain bikers will have the opportunity to have their say after the meeting has been closed, perhaps after everybody has gone home for tea. We're that far down the list.

So people, if you want to be able to ride your bike freely at the weekend, please be nice out there. Give way to just about everybody and try not to do anything that will cause offence. We're not high on any access agendas. Indeed even horse riders whom the bridleways are named after are no longer the primary consideration. Just look on any forum at the moaning that goes on when trails are turned into smooth double-tracks. If horse riders themselves are now coming second in any access discussions, where do you think we come, what with our aggressively big bikes and rad attitudes? These days with council funding being what it is, any problem agendas would be made to go away through possible access restrictions or trail levelling through the application of unsuitable hardcore. I'm not sure we want that kind of hassle.

Don't ride fast into blind bends.
Slow or stop for horse riders.
However annoying walkers will be, carry on being polite to them.
In no way do 'trail maintenance' that may impinge access for disabled people.

You spend more on cleaning that bike than on yourself!

2013-05-06T06:35:00.002-07:00

We've all heard that one before; wife bemoaning time spent cleaning one's bike. I've ignored her, and probably always will. However I was in the shop the other day buying my shampoo / body wash and kind of realised she may have a point. You see the shampoo I bought costs 30p for 250ml. I'm allergic to deodorants and don't use 'product' on my hair, so all I bought was the little 30p bottle. Does the job for me, and will last two weeks at one shower per day.

Now look at the photograph below.

The bottle on the right is my shampoo. That's all I use to clean myself, scummy gett that I am. In the bag, however, are all my bike cleaning lotions and lubricants. Must be £100 worth of stuff, perhaps more given that small bottles seem to cost £9 these days. Different chain lubes for different conditions; wet or dry. Different cleaners to get the different lubricants off. Then things to lubricate the various suspension bits on any bike. Bit of polish, few brushes and rags, the odd toothbrush. Cleaners to clean the frame, and one to clean the disc rotors.

So perhaps my wife may well have a point ater all.

I'll not admit that mind. No way.

50km/h down Stane Street? You must be mad.

2013-05-06T05:26:00.003-07:00

AD was to blame. He sent me a text saying that he needed to burn some calories as he'd stuffed his face at a BBQ. S'all it takes innit? Took the borrowed Orange 5 Black and went for a silly fast blast around the Surrey Hills. We hit 50km/h more than once or twice on this ride, and our average pace was 12km/h.

It wasn't what you call a social ride. No time for idle chit chat, I wanted to ride and AD seemed happy with the forced pace. Since Christmas I've lost 7kg in weight, and this makes me feel more nimble on my bike. I'm still slow uphill, but I'm better than of late. Add in one or two adopted techniques when going downhill, and things are getting faster. Our average pace for ages has been 8km/h but we've both gradually improved it and can now ride 50% faster than in 2012. So now instead of doing a puffed out ride to Headley and back at a sedate pace, we now zip to Box Hill and back in the same time frame, a longer ride. All due to slightly less gut mass.

Here we have a dusty bike, a rare sight here in the UK of late. And yes that chain does need cleaning. It's got an eco friendly oil on it. This is all well and good, but it still produces an horrid, dirty black chain that's full of sand. Much better in these conditions too switch to a dry wax based lubricant like Squirt.

AD was on form and although behind me for much of the ride, he did his best not to lose too much ground and I was never that far ahead. Really this isn't a case of me being a Super Fast Rider but rather one that isn't carrying a dead pig around in my Camelbak. AD is also on a mission to drop around 8kg, and if he does I'll have to watch my game on the hills as he's a crafty bugger. Best not let on how I'm slightly faster than him going downhill then, eh?

The intention had been to stop at Box Hill for some scoff, but it was just too busy. So at the top whilst AD just wanted to sit down after I'd beasted him on the climb, even though he pulled a fast one on me at the start, I moved us on to Headley Heath a few miles down the road. Sure they have shitty coffee, but you never have to wait long to be served - may be a link there; shitty coffee, no people? Rather fetchingly a lovely dog walker had left a stone covered turd in the seating area. Adds a certain ambience.

Nothing of note happened during the ride. I didn't crash into any horses, and AD managed to keep his chain on. But it was an absolute blast, especially the chalk path down to Reigate. And we were on out of fashion 26'ers. Really, what will the Mountain Bike Fashion Police have to say about that?

My favoured bit of trail.

The borrowed 2012 Orange 5 Black review.

2013-05-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Every so often I get to borrow a 2012 Orange 5 Black Special Edition - limited to 100 units no less. Although I noticed recently that they've re-issued it at £3,200. So much for being a limited edition then.

Anyways, first time I've ridden it in the dry since last having it two month's ago back in March, so how is it?

Firstly it's not as lardy as when I first met it. Apparently it is now down to pretty much 29lb dead on even with a Reverb fitted. That's not bad for a 140mm bike but a bloody apalling statement of the original build. £3,200 and then you have to upgrade the wheels and tyres? What are Orange on? The bike now has the obligatory £200 Superstar wheels with Stan's rims and a set of Nobby Nic tyres with a tubeless conversion [20psi in today]; 2.1" rear, 2.25" front. It also has a Reverb and carbon fibre handlebars, and has gone to 2x10 gearing. That Tioga saddle is still there. Mudguards courtesy of Mucky Nutz. They seem very effective.

What a difference it has made. Originally the bike was quite sluggish and no fun at all. The as new weight was 32lb+, and it seems all of the excess mass is in the cheap no-name wheel and solid rubber tyre combo fitted by Orange. Today the bike was lovely to ride, and actually quite nippy. Surprisingly so. I've been out on my own 25lb Tassajara of late, on the same trails, and I didn't really notice the additional mass of this bike. Indeed this is a fast old beast and got me into some trouble with an horse. I also overtook some guy going down Stane Street into Mikleham and he wasn't hanging about*. This is a machine that just wants to go fast, and that's it. Pootle? Forget it.

It even seems to climb well. Up Box Hill I managed a sub 8 minute time, so the new mass isn't an issue at all.

The Reverb? I've not got one of those on my bikes and it showed; I hardly used it. But when I did, on the downhills I didn't notice it, always a good sign. What was really lovely was getting to the start of the next rise, pushing the button and having it return to exactly the right height. That was nice, but worth £300? Perhaps at a trail centre.

So at £3,200 and in need of new wheels and tyres would I buy it? No chance. It's a lovely bike but not at near £3,500 it isn't. I saw a BMC 160mm Enduro bike reduced in the Evan's sale down to £1,400 recently. That's perhaps the amount that the Orange depreciates by instantly. No brainer isn't it? The BMC was a stunner at that price. Although saying that Orange shift a fair few of these things so there must be people who think them good value, even with the need to upgrade the lower price [!] models. To be fair the thing seems reliable enough. Now five months old it's not had a thing done to it other than a rear set of pads - they lasted a good 70 miles before giving up. I'm not impressed by the finish though; this one is scratched up and other than when I thrash it, it's a pampered show Queen.

Personally for me it's too much for Surrey. Too fast. It needs big mountains or open trails. Sure I had fun, but no way did I stretch it. On one drop down Stane Street there's a rooty section; two lips around 2.5m apart. On my own bikes I jump one, then the next having lined the bike up again. On this bike if I'd had the nerve to do so I could have jumped off the first and cleaned the second. Speed is there to be had quite easily, especially if you pump the trail. My PACE RC303 is a lighter bike by 2lb but nowhere near as fast in my hands. I'm perhaps an average rider at best, and I certainly don't do proper jumps, drops or bermed corners. On the Orange I'd get to the bottom of a bit of trail having hopped, dropped and railed my way down. It's that kind of bike. I still maintain that for most of Surrey an hardtail with decent front suspension is all the bike you need, but for high days it's nice to have a susser to play with.

*He appeared to be wearing headphones so overtaking was a bit of an issue. He only noticed me as I passed. And pass I did, at perhaps twice his speed.

The extending lead for dogs is a reasonable idea tribute ride to Box Hill.

2013-04-28T05:36:00.003-07:00

AD* turned up for the ride in a happy frame of mind, but soon the ragged edges started to show through. "It's all so boringly pointless isn't it? You're 40, got lovely kids, a mortgage at the dying end of its life, and can boss people about at work. Saturday you go bike shopping or take the kids to badminton. X-Factor or some other gash on the telly of an evening with a beer or two, chatting happily to the wife. Sunday Muddy Ground takes you on yet another boring spin to Box Hill, and he's getting that little bit faster each week, yet I'm festering. What's the point?"

Oh dear. Mid-life crisis developing or work being that bit too exciting? We've all been there, done that. Well apart from the mid-life bit; that seems to have passed me by or I've not gotten there yet. Poor old AD did seem to be on a bit of a downer towards the end of the ride, and in attempts at getting away from the usual Headley Heath based rides suggesting outlandish plans for riding away from it all, literally. Coast to coast, across Surrey, North or South Downs in entirety kind of thing. Dunno, but those kind of challenges don't always inspire me, they really don't. I did one years ago; 300+ miles in three days around the fens of Norfolk and Cambridgeshire. You end up at 297 miles on day three preparing to ride a big circle around town just to do the last few miles to make the hundred for the day. To this day I can remember the madness of it all, cycling for cycling's sake.

The thing I did enjoy doing was the London to Brighton, or to Shoreham and back on the Down's Link in one day - easy one that if you start and finish at Horsham, no worse than a normal ride. I've even ridden to Brighton and back for work, and from London down to Crawley and back a few times. All bigish rides with a point; essentially a beer on the beach for lunch. I'm very tempted by the Oast to Coast; here to Hastings via Tonbridge. May buy some maps. There'd be a point to that as we have friends there; fish and chips on the beach followed by a pint with family and friends? Tempted, tempted.

So, back to my narrative. Naturally once aware of this negative attitude of AD's I took the piss endlessly, and pointed out the negative aspects of all his "boost me up" ideas. You have to, don't you? Even if most of them were quite good. I'll not tell him that though. Let him fester then re-hash and re-introduce them as my ideas in a lame Local Government style.

Enough of this wallowing in somebody else's self-pity, how was the ride Muddy? Well for one it wasn't. OK we've had some rain of late, but there wasn't much mud about and semi-slick tyres were the order of the day. We found enough mud to make us look hard-core "hitting the gnar" as the West Surrey boys have it, at Box Hill with the roadies ensemble, but really the trails were bone dry. Not dusty, but dry enough to make one wary of the top tube on gravel uphills. I only had one nads-meeting-metal incident, which isn't so bad is it? I've got kids already.

You already know where we went, so I'll not go into huge detail. Reigate to Box Hill is about as standard as it gets around here**. But, for me at least, it was fun. Same old same old, true, but if you up the speed a bit, attack the hills a bit more, or challenge yourself to do that nasty mid-fall sand stone drop off en route, then things brighten up. Same trails but if you go a tad faster all of a sudden that gravel corner becomes something of a heart rate lifter as the front and rear wash out instead of just bouncing around. That lump of concrete there? Taken a bit faster it becomes a jump. That sandstone lip? The frightening looking thing that means freefalling a foot mid-slope? Taken a bit faster it's just a bit of sandstone, something to bottom out your suspension. The chalk path? Bugger that! I'm not doing that faster.....

I do realise that Mountain Bikers can lack sartorial elegance, but come on! I took this image of the roadies at Box Hill. Some stunning bikes, but also some equally stunning twats. The guy in the blue rompa-suit for a start. Why did his mother let him leave home like that? No way is he married. 100% certain he lives at home with mum. Probably has a Spaniel and reads the Top Gear Richard Hammond articles for fashion tips. And this guy in red? Does he think this look is cool? It isn't is it? BMC make gorgeous bikes but this guy is a poor advert for them. He looks a right mess. Eye bleach! Where do they get this shit from? Whoever sells this crap must really be laughing: "Hey Fausto. Remember that shit we got where the factory put in the wrong colour codes? You know, that frikkin' blue and black rompa suit thing we should have burnt? Some fat arsed banker from Surrey bought it with his mom. Yeah! Paid full price and everything. No kiddin man."

Sorry, but come on roadies. Buy a Gok Wan book, look in a mirror, do anything but wear some of this stuff. No wonder you have to go around in tribes. Oh and no kidding, but one had an outfit on that was so sheer that it left no need of any imagination to see what his physical anatonomy was underneath. Doubt very much if he knew he'd been riding around Surrey showing his arse crack and nads to the world.

Even AD started to mention the oddities here, and he normally leaves well alone. One guy was wearing cut off denim shorts with trainers yet full on race gear otherwise; another sunglasses with a headlamp burning brightly. There's just no sense of style in the cycling world right now is there? Best just stick to black on black then eh?

To balance things out, and to stop picking on the easy targets, although for the life of me I can't see what's wrong with that... AD had a chat with a guy who mentioned he'd use his mountain bike but it was still fitted with studded winter tyres. Sorry? Where do you live, thinking some emigre from Alaska. "Epsom" came the happy reply. Epsom? That's a place known for being snowbound ten months of the year, fair play. Actually it isn't. It never, ever gets snow bound. Sure you may have a bit of trouble getting the 100 metres from house to main road, ploughing through up to 5cm of soft snow once or twice a year, but studded tyres? In Epsom?

Right, now we've balanced the Roadie | Mountain Biker twat equation.....

Of course today I gave myself no option but to speed***. Took the long, long Gary Fisher Tassajara out, the one with semi-slick tyres on, my eBay bitsa that I constructed a few years ago. It's a racing bike really, so eggs you on the whole time. "Go faster you wuss!" it shouts. "You call that fast? Big girl's blouse, get a move on!" It's a bike that can only be ridden in the dry when you're not suffering an hangover. Ride it when off form and you feel a heal, a waste of time jerk. I don't ride it very often, I can't face it or the humiliation. The Tassajara is quite possibly to me what I am to AD. The nasty that you keep around just to make everything else seem nicer. Mention a little weakness, a little off-form behaviour and the nasty git pounces, ripping in to you. AD should ditch me like I should sell that bike, but sometimes wallowing self-pity needs a bit of a kick in the balls doesn't it?

But by heck some of the dog walkers are miserablists aren't they? One up on Colley Hill stands out. Dog off the lead, her some way behind exercising her fat arse. We slow for said dog, she waddles up to catch hold of it, all out of breath and flustered. After all, it's her dog out of control so her responsibility. We're polite and have slowed to under walking pace, given wide berth, gone over and into the muddy bit. She gave us a look similar to a North Korean political leader spotting a McDonald's. Man what is it with these people? If walking the dog is such a chore, then why not just kill it for the meat and stop at home watching t.v. and eat more crisps fatty? Life would be better for us all then. She wasn't the only one; all seem pretty grumpy these days. And don't get me started on the idiots with dogs on 300m leads......

Well why not. My blog, my soap box, my big gob.....

What goes through their tiny, tiny minds at the pet shop? "Hey I can't control my yapping little dog, but look! A product just for me. A 300m lead with camouflaged cord so that nobody can see it until it is too late. It even says on the package that it's for fuckwits who have no control over their yapping shit machines. That's me! I'm a miserable fuckwit and I have no idea how to control a dog. It even comes with some free baggies so that I can hang yappers stinky poo from handy trees. Oh look a warning: bags of dog shit must be placed at child head height or where a playing child will come into contact with it. Otherwise feel free to use poo bags and extenda lead where it will cause the most disruption and distress to other trail users."

Luckily use of those extending lead machines identifies the user to me as being a person no different mentally to those youths who insist on wearing their jeans around their knees. They've just got more money is all. See an extending lead, you see an idiot. Guaranteed.

Oops. Sorry, back to mountain biking.

Must say that I was pleasantly surprised that today was dry and against all odds. On my ride into the woods last night it started to rain at about 8pm, and seemed to continue well into the night. Waking up to dryness was very nice indeed, especially as I'd fixed a puncture, oiled the chain and lubed the mechs on a slick tyred bike that has no mudguards. Lady luck was with me today.

*Also known as Tony Robinson of Time Team fame. Can be seen in the woods looking for headstones of dead pets.

**I was going to map the ride using sat nav data, but didn't actually turn my device on properly. Twonk.

***All relative of course. I'm a 50 year old office worker who eats pies. Any normal cyclist would run rings around me.

Anatonomy of a build: 1880's Victorian house loft conversion: tat.

2013-04-23T12:40:00.001-07:00

Man it just goes on and on. Tat is the gift that keeps on giving. Nobody can underestimate the sheer volume of junk that a family of four accumulates. Nobody. We're like secret hoarders.

I cleared the loft out, fine. Moved it into the basement essentially, but twelve car loads went to the tip. All well and good but what happens when you actually need to find something from the basement? That gets trashed. It's junk isn't it? Really needs a sort out. Anyway found a handy depository to store some stuff in my car. Really? Yes. I now own a one seater Fiesta.

Cock.

But it still gets worse. We're having a new bedroom. Us adults are moving out and the kids are moving in in effect. So at the same time as sorting out the loft, basement and outside toilet, I have to clear their rooms out - note that somehow this clearing out is my job. How did that happen? Bugger; basement full, and the normal depository - the roof void - is no longer an option. I have to actually deal with this crap instead of hiding it away. No kidding, but my Boy Child had hidden in his room a good 800 litres of junk; under his bed, a chair and the wardrobe. 800 litres of broken toys, pens and empty boxes. He even had ten dismantled watches. And this is before I tackle his toys.

Our daughter isn't so bad. She only has, somehow, over 1,000 soft toys hidden throughout the house.

People, do not whatever you do underestimate the sheer volume of tat you have. So far I've found in the roof void:

6,000 old magazines.
Photographs of a family that lived in the house before us.
A dining room table. Actually scratch that; three dining room tables and six chairs.
A full sized wardrobe.
Two bookcases full of books.
A t.v.
A hi-fi system.
200 music cassettes.
100 vinyl albums.
20 1:18 scale model cars.
Three full Scalextric sets.
1990's clothing.
Three duvets and six pillows.
Toys, toys and more toys.

But alas no old mountain bike parts.

Anatonomy of a build: loft conversion on an 1880's Victorian house: Builder's poo.

2013-04-23T12:19:00.003-07:00

We're expanding our 1880's Victorian house upwards, and I have been asked by our architect to keep a twitter diary of the build. Well, I have a blog, so.....

It's all very well designing a spanking new bedroom with an en suite bigger than your existing second bedroom, but on the first day our builder asked a more pertinent question; got a bog? "Bog" in layman's language meaning toilet. "Got to have a bog. Going to get a port-a-loo?"

Now those Port-a-loos that sit outside people's houses during builds are horrid things. Blue and stinky, often in the way. But hark! What's this! An outside privvy. This is after all an 1880's Victorian house. Yes, we still have an outside toilet. Came in handy when we put the new bathroom in, and still serves a function as mini-shed. So I set too and cleaned it out. The door was rotten, but only in parts. A quick shuffle around an industrial estate turfed up some old pallets; they got dismantled and screwed in place. Bit of paint removal, screwed up a shelf for some hand cleaner, away we go.

I think you'll agree, it looks grand and if I were a builder [sadly I have qualifications so alas cannot be one] I'd be happy to poo in there.

Can you spot the pallets?

And yes, the frame does need a bit of TLC but for now it's a fine place to sit and....

Anatonomy of a loft conversion: The "Top Hat" scaffolding issues.

2013-04-22T00:12:00.001-07:00

This is a "Top Hat" scaffold. What it enables is for the builder to work in a degree of comfort, and I guess secrecy - you can't see what the bugger is up to can you? It's not cheap - this is costing us £4,000 for I think 3 months. But what is it like to live with?

Well not surprisingly on windy days it is an arse. You don't even want to think of sleeping inside. Our neighbour's make barbed comments all the time.

It is also surprisingly wet. The iron roof must hold a lot of water, as after rain it drips for a good four days afterwards. You wake up to the pitter-patter sound of rain, get a bit miserable, then open the windows to reveal sun. That's an oddity. Another is frost. Again you wake up to a pitter-patter noise, but it seems just to be the metal expanding or contracting. Very odd that.

There are three further annoyances. The first being the ties that hold it together. They come off constantly and I'm forever picking them up. The second is our cat Wibzo loves to climb and walk around the thing. Bit odd seeing her 20ft up. And finally there is a sodding great ladder attached to the front - doesn't take much beer inside a young stud for them to try and climb the thing. Luckily we are in residence and our builder lives nearby, otherwise you may need some kind of alarm up there.

Oh and your house is dark inside.

The two mile ride. My Colley Hill Cloverleaf.

2013-04-21T06:48:00.003-07:00

Firstly, do we need to wear a specific mountain bike uniform when out on a ride? I only ask as in the week I read a ride report from another blog where they berated somebody for turning up on a group ride in jeans. In a slightly bullying tone, it wasn't seen as the done thing. Why? Do we all have to wear combat shorts, wicking tops and use a Camelbak? So today in support of the jeans wearer I too went out in jeans and a t-shirt; house keys in one pocket, money in the next. Thirsty? Stop at a cafe or pub, job done. And do you know what? It made not a jot of difference to the ride what I wore. Indeed for me it was kind of liberating. A bit like when you were a kid and just set off anywhere in whatever you were wearing at the time, and on your parents' borrowed bike. Try it one day - just go for a ride without all of the crap you normally take.

So, where did we go? Well I've been meaning to show AD my 'Cloverleaf' night ride route for ages, but it is essentially a local spin so a tough sell. "Fancy a spin out? We'll not go further than 2 miles" hasn't really got much of a push to it has it? But for some reason AD bought into it even though it involves an awful lot of climbing in a very short space. I figure on at least 1,800m of climbing*, essentially up and down Colley Hill. Easy routes up [ha ha ha ha ha ha], nasty routes down. Indeed one was so nasty AD almost ended up with concussion as his head bounced off a tree, his ride trademark these days. My maximum speed approached 30mph, AD's probably half that. In total we only did 20km in two hours. But none of it was horizontal; we were either going up, or plummeting downwards vaguely in control. Actually at one point I wasn't in control of the bike and nearly went pell mell into some tramp - and when was the last time you saw a real tramp?

Kite | LBBOnline advertising video for Sainsbury's shows you some really rather good images of Colley Hill, Reigate. Our ride today was essentially down the escarpment to the left of the girl, going right down to almost sea level, then back up again.... six times. In two hours using different routes each time. And the girl here? She's from Stourbridge, where I used to go drinking.

For the main we really didn't stray more than 2 miles from Reigate, yet we really enjoyed this little spin. Sure you'd not want to do it all of the time, but it does show what you can do in keeping it local. Some of the descents can cook your brakes, whilst all of the ups cook your head. One descent even has a sign on it saying "Dangerous Hill" which is all one wants really. I was on my trusty PACE RC303 and AD his susser. Only on his Chalk Path did he show me a clean pair of heels, but the rest of the time any bike will do. [And for the record I had to stop for a Jaguar car that pulled out on me - and hats off to her predictive driving as she anticipated somebody would be following AD.] Just be warned some of the descents are nasty. Not technically challenging in any sense, just steep. The one that drops prallel to the A217 is a tricky bugger though. You're going downhill at 40km/h and the trail just stops at the road. That's a good test of any brakes.

My favoured two descents here abouts are poles apart. The first, down Reigate Hill, is nothing but tame double wide. A few small jumps and a couple of corners, but otherwise just pedal until there are no more gears left, then coast. I like it simply because of the wind noise past my ears and the sheer speed. My second, the A217 one, is down a deep 'V' shaped gulley made of chalk, flint and mud. Get up to speed and you cannot brake without causing an incident. Sure you could drag the brakes, but on this one I prefer the on-off approach. Last night, on my night ride, I went down it at stupid speeds. The little 10cm drop half way down I jumped and landed a bit squew. The front end was fine, but my rear tyre refused to re-gain traction. I was out of control. So today I did exactly the same.... except there was a tramp in the way, scuttling around in the undergrowth. Apologies for not even trying to slow down; it was safer not to. Honest.

AD has been, and will remain, sceptical of chainsets that have less than three rings. I've only got two, and have been toying with dropping the granny entirely. But today I really, really needed it, especially that long drag up Dangerous Hill. Indeed without it I'd have had some long walks. As it was, no climb beat me or AD today so we must be doing something right with this cycling lark. Especially as we tackled the hardest climbs in the area; short but steep. And we did this six times.

We stopped at the cafe on top of Reigate HIll, and I really need to adjust my pricing of coffee. I paid almost £4 for two cups. My coffee was so strong it took the enamel off my teeth and I'll be hyper for two straight weeks. It was that good, and quite frankly the girl serving me had really lovely jiggly breasts. I'd pay £4 just for that view, and I figure the owner of the cafe knows that - as perhaps does the girl serving seeing as how I was literally dribbling down her front. But AD thought the price high. Now I was going to bow to his greater experience in things cheap, but really £4 for a peek - nay, outright stare - at some lovely young boobies is acceptable isn't it?

Oh and Dom Jolley is alive and well, being seen at the Reigate Hill Urban Kitchen every Sunday on a nice looking Boardman full suspension bike. What a gob shite and poor advert for Boardman bikes.

Cheers for the cake AD; it was appreciated.

N.B.: I call it the Cloverleaf ride as it is essentially three or four loops centred on the Urban Kitchen cafe. Some of it is even legal. Actually 90% of it is legal, so there.

*Sat Nav data - take with a pinch of salt that one. I'd happily go with getting on for a minimum 1,200m from the Ordnance Survey map and my own experience, perhaps 1,400m. Even though we climbed the North Downs escarpment from base to top six times, 1,800m seems a lot.

Clearing the loft out - warning: Vinyl content.

2013-04-16T04:43:00.001-07:00

Oh dear. Had to clear the loft out. What's this? 70 old vinyl albums from back in the day. The 'day' being the 1980's so heavy rock, baby. Oooo, Whitesnake Live in the Heart of the City. That needs to be played, but how?

Dug around, old Systemdek 920 in the corner. Hmmm, looking good.

To the basement Batman.... old Onix OA-20 amplifier, pair of Wharfedale speakers - big boys.

Hour later, 120dB full on nostalgia. So loud my heart beats to a different rhythm. I know it's short of the 150dB they play things at now, but I've not gone this loud for twenty years.

If you're into that kind of thing, it's not a bad album but I'm getting a bit tired of it now. One play is enough. Not sure I can listen to all four sides of inuendo. Now, where is my Underworld Dubnobasswithmyheadman album.......

Tellingly I also found my wife's Pure DAB radio, the original EVOKE-1 in glorious mono. Plumbed it in to the amp [back to my Cyrus for that], that's now playing instead of vinyl and has been for some time. You see vinyl albums last for between 15 to 20 minutes per side. That's if you like all of the tracks, otherwise you're down to three minutes or so. Basically vinyl is a bit of a faff isn't it? I can't be arsed walking to and fro just to listen to a bit of music, even if it did sound nice. Yes, it is true; vinyl sounds nice and warm. Fuzzy even.

Just wait 'till my kids get home. They'll be impressed with my 30 year old vinyl recordings....

Anatonomy of a build: Loft conversion on a 1880's semi-detached house.

2013-04-15T09:43:00.001-07:00

We've lived here, on the outskirts of Reigate, for almost a decade and a half now. In that time I got into motorbikes, then mountain bikes. My wife got into food, then children, and now keep fit. The house decided to partially burn down once, and now is in a state of gentle decay - mainly the roof, which bits of blow away every now and then. And our kids? They're just getting bigger and are starting to take over.

The house kind of needed a new roof. AD, my cycling buddy, in an outstanding example of Man Maths, suggested saving the £15,000 that a new roof would cost, instead using it to partially fund a loft conversion. Fag packet maths indicated that this would cost £30,000, so why not?

Well the why not is reality. A loft conversion, with new roof, here in leafy Surrey costs north of £70,000 if you add it all up properly and don't pretend that bathrooms come free of charge. You could do it cheaper by not replacing all of the roof, but as that was originally the point of the exercise....

I'm going to follow the build on my blog over the next four months. Mainly because that's how long it will take to do. Today is Day 1 of Week 1. Sure we've done a bit before now; pland, cleaning the thing out, etc., but today the house is officially handed over to the builder. The scaffolding is up, and Paul Smythe has kindly drawn up the plans, got it through planning, and negotiated with the builder as to price. Sure we could have done all this ourselves [for my sins I am a qualified building surveyor] but quite frankly we couldn't be arsed.

Anyway, Day 1 images.

Front view showing "top hat" scaffolding. This removes our off-road parking space and infringes both our neighbours' properties. Our various bins are now on public display.

Front view with "top hat" scaffolding. The house is darker inside as a result, but lovely and cool on hot days. When the wind blows it's like being at sea in a sailing boat. At least the roof does not leak.

Rear view of "top hat" scaffolding. Big doesn't even describe it. Wouldn't it be great to have that as the new build? Think how much additional space we'd get.

Internal view of existing loft space showing tile glue | insulation. And yes, that is a dining room table for six people. How the devil did I get it in?

Internal view; loft space party wall showing access point. Window to right is an internal one to the main bedroom.

Internal view: double height main bedroom with internal glass block window.

Existing loft hatch and stair well. Yes, it was | is green.

Although we are spending £70,000 to gain one additional bedroom and bathroom combo, in theory this will add an equivalent amount to the price of the house.

Anyway, our roof. It was missing one tile and this annoyed us both. Thanks to the previous owners of the house the back of the roof tiles had been glued on. This meant repairs were pretty much impossible, hence the change. However since starting the project we've noticed that our roof is actually pretty good compared to our neighbours' and they're happy with theirs. Oh well, we've started now...

A bad roof seen yesterday.

It was also an interesting exercise cleaning the existing loft space out. To put it bluntly, we had a lot of tat. 200 music cassettes, 3,000 photographs, two bookshelves full of books, 20 1:18 scale model cars, three complete Scalextric sets, a dining room table complete with 8 chairs, a wardrobe, two folding beds, two tents, 6,000 magazines [yes, SIX THOUSAND], plus odds and sods. Some stuff we sold, some has been ferreted around the house, but nine full car loads went down the tip. That's almost 12,000 litres in volume of pure tat. In each remaining room we've probably got 4,000 litres in volume of junk. Far be it for me to say, but if we'd just had a proper spring clean we'd have 'saved' a volume equal to the new room we're getting. Life, eh?

Blow me down! It's sunny here in Surrey.

2013-04-07T09:02:00.003-07:00

Took a gamble today. Met a guy yesterday who claimed that the trails have really dried out during the week, so on his word I fitted summer tyres to my home-built Tassajara and removed all trace of mudguards. Go for it I say...

And indeed the trails were dry, which is remarkable. Sure there were some muddy sections, but nothing to challenge my almost treadless tyres and I flew, covering 24 miles in sub 2 hours. There was no need for long travel suspension, let alone rear suspension at all, so the 90mm travel my forks give were fine. Having a light bike on the climbs helped, as did the general lack of tyre friction. You see over here in West Surrey we don't have much in the way of technical riding, and once the trails dry out they are no more challenging to ride than canal towpaths. But it makes for pleasant, long rides where you can drift off mentally away from whatever goes on at work or home.

It's also a wonder to have nicely smelling trails again. The sun on warming soil plus general plant growth made for a pleasant environment. And how interesting it is to have clear sight lines everywhere. The late spring has cut back on tree growth and most are leafless. Add in clear, moisture free air and one can see into some of the splendid mansions we have around here, some of which I've never seen simply due to tree coverage and / or wet weather. Man some must be worth an easy £5m, possibly more as we do see the odd £20m gaff advertised deeper in Surrey. Wonder what it's like to have that kind of cash lying around? But then I saw a rat running from the grounds of one, so all isn't always well in the world.

Not many cyclists out and about, or horse riders for that matter. The few mountain bikers I did see weren't venturing far. They were on what looked like the original Marin full suspension bikes. Given the bellies on the guys riding them, they were probably bought new back in the day, being brought out for the odd sunny ride. It's nice to generallise now and then. I think it's fair to say some of these men were pushing 20 stone, which made them hefty for average height bods. Apologies to the one I brushed past, but I didn't expect you to drift so far over on the trail. They seemed a happy bunch, content with their bikes and lifestyle, and could put a spurt on now and then so still have it - they looked as though they'd cleaned the chalk path. Isn't that enough these days? To be content. To be fair I was happy with this group, who weren't in the least bit pushy, as opposed to the lot we saw over at Peaslake, Nazi inspired helmets and all. Bunch of testosterone fuelled nutters or old guys out for an amble in the sun on older bikes?

Wife on her run spotted a group of eight or so cyclists returning home at about 8am. Wonder which Redgate group they were then? They must have been out unfeasibly early. Oddly enough I've never tried an early ride in Surrey. Last year I was on Snowdon on my PACE at 6am for ten days running, but then the motivation to do such a thing is high. Surrey Hills hasn't the same drive has it?

Oh I didn't stop as the cafe at Headley seems to be opening later and later each weekend. At 11am they didn't even look as though they were going to bother. Wonder what's up there? Usually reliable. Ah well, saved me £4 in not stopping, and helped me do the high average time. Wonder when I'll ever do that again? And really, do I actually want to do 12mph averages? Nice to be able to do it at nearly 50 years old, but it's also nice to pootle and chat, watching the world go by.

Just one oddity. I was almost run over by some old guy in a diesel golf buggy. He was sat still on the trail and I went to pass. Little did I know they are all eco now, and don't need to idle. The engine was off so I assumed it would need to engage the starter motor before moving on. It didn't; all was silent then all was clattery movement. Luckily it seemed to instantly do 13mph against my 12mph so I just missed him. Or he just missed me in a glass half full kind of way. Bugger was doing the nice bit of singletrack next to the golf course. You now the track that's like that pub in the midlands, where gravity flows upwards, or that scene in Father Ted with the wheelchair. No idea why, but that trail is soooo easy and flowingly lovely taken in the uphill direction yet a right sluggy chore when taken downhill. Always bemused as to why. Indeed in the downhill direction it is a shitty pig of a trail with no flow, and I really don't know why we bother with it.

Yes the ambling walkers 100m away from the Urban Kitchen were annoying but I had an epiphany. Walkers are about as intelligent and docile as cows, so that's how I treated them for the rest of my journey down Reigate Hill at the end; as beasts of burden with limited intelligence. Oddly this made for far more happy encounters. I don't mean this in a demeaning way. Just that when one encounters groups of walkers they either seem to go in seven directions at once, or shut down and just stand there. Mainly they just kind of stand there looking gormless and surprised. There must be some clever people out there who can categorise group behaviour better than I, but I'm content with my cattle theory. It is my theory after all, so why shouldn't it work for me?

Go on, next time you encounter a herd of walkers on the trail, treat them as domestic cattle. Be patient, don't make sudden noises and kindly move them off the trail. Slightly condescending I know, but better than just blasting through them shouting vile insults.

Chatting with KD post ride it became apparent that I should really singlespeed the Tassajara. KD is mechanically inept so likes the simplicity, but I always had such devices back in the day and used to enjoy the need to maintain momentum. Guess I've lost the bravery and confidence that owning such a bike implies. I'll have to change that - the first thing to do being to remove that 42t outer ring. Boy I've really taken a dislike to those, and cleaning the bike post ride I can see why. You can never fully clean the middle ring, even with the chain off, and I cut the ball of my hand in trying. Quick look at Charlie The Bikemonger has solved that issue, with some shorter chainring bolts. Once I've got enough funds in Paypal I'll order a kit in.

Gemini 850 v. C and B Seen 1200 lumen.

2013-04-07T05:09:00.001-07:00

I own the Gemini and the C and B Seen. How do they compare then? The C and B Seen unit is around £40, the Gemini £140. Are they even comparable?

I'll keep it short; the C and B Seen unit wins in all departments except quality, and for £100 less I can accept that fault happily enough. The C and B Seen blitzes the Gemini in light output absolutely, and at the end of the night that's all you care about on the trails isn't it? Oh and the bigger light doesn't have the annoyingly tiny switch which is really hard to find at night. My only gripe with the C and B Seen package is the battery charger, and that for no real reason other than I just don't like the look of it. It charges just fine. Well it would if I hadn't thrown it away - seem to have a few decent chargers lying around.

I'd be hacked off with the Gemini if I'd had to pay full whack for it. My Gemini cost £70 though, which is an acceptable price given that the battery alone retails for £45. In an ideal world you'd get one of the Chinese lights and then pop off to an hobby shop and get a decent charging unit that you can trust, or perhaps buy from MTBBatteries or Magicshine in the first place. Really £80 is enough to spend to get you out there giving this night riding thing a go. The Gemini is nicely finished, has a waterproof battery and a good charging unit. However, the C and B Seen is also available now with a waterproof battery, although probably not a Panasonic unit, and a wide angle lens as standard for £50. Horrid to look at, budget manufacture, but easy to use, and with strong lighting. Suits me. For less than the Gemini retail for as sole units you could have two cheaper Chinese lanterns.

Having said all this, which one do I reach for these days when I'm off for a spin out where I may or may not need a light? Those rides starting in light, but which may extend into dusk now and then?

The Gemini. Quality literally shines in this instance.

Getting a TAG Heuer repaired - H Stanley, Horologist in Dorking

2013-04-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

20 years ago I bought my wife a TAG Heuer direct from TAG themselves. This was before the internet or TAG being everywhere, and it was so simple buying from them as anywhere else. It was a splashy present for me, as I normally buy her a DVD or such. Anyway, stirling service in all this time, just the one battery. A few months ago the battery started to die so she took it into a high street jewellers in Reigate for a new one. I'll not mention their name as they are rip-off gits; allegedly fitted a new battery for £60, but "oh dear, the watch doesn't work but we can get it fixed for £660" came the reply.

Yes, £660. For a 20 year old TAG that's led a life. New ones aren't much more. Apparently it needed new internals, a new face, a new bezel and a new strap...... one wonders what would be left of the original.

So wife got a bit moody about this. It'd be daft to spend that kind of money on a watch valued at perhaps £200, so we left it.

Well the other day we were having lunch in Dorking when I spotted a sign for an horologist on the High Street. Popped in, can you fix a TAG? "Sure" came the happy reply.

How much?

£75 for a new battery, seal, a re-painted hand and strap clean. We pointed out that it had already got a new battery fitted, so shouldn't need one.

"New battery? No, sorry, that one's flat." Hmmmm.

Anyway, we've not got the watch back yet so can't comment on the work but so far all seems good for H Stanley, Horologist The Chine, Dorking RH4 1QT. Closed Wednesdays.

And yes, I do feel a stroppy letter coming on. Really if I'd known this all before the jewellers in Reigate would have got far, far more than a stroppy letter from me.

My top tip: if you live in Reigate and need your watch repaired by a reputable jewellers, avoid the "good" one in town. They're crap. Go to Dorking instead. Whilst their have a light lunch at one of the many fine restaurants, or do a bit of shopping.

April can be the cruelist month: Intrepid explorers get lost on Leith Hill.

2013-04-01T11:28:00.003-07:00

AD has wanted to go riding on Leith Hill for a good year. So far I've managed to way lay him and not gone; I'm happy here and have no need to put bikes on to a car. But today he got his way and what jolly good fun it was too in the end, although admittedly I was a bit embarrassed driving up the hill. However, although we've both ridden the area, we've not ridden it enough to know where we are at all times. Today was a bit hit and miss. Actually more miss than hit but at least now we have some bearings to work from.

We parked right at the top of Leith Hill, in an old quarry. I wasn't mad keen on parking here as I suspected that the end of the ride would involve not a nice downhill descent, but an horrid climb. However as AD was driving and I'd no idea as to an alternative that was within the same time zone, then the quarry it was. From there I have no real idea as to where we went, none whatsoever. All I know is that we went down a trail known as Summer Lightning as it had a big sign saying, oddly and perhaps appropriately, "Summer Lightning" and promptly got lost at the bottom. Well 'lost' is a bit strong. More undecided as neither wanted to just turn around and ride back up a muddy trail. The intention being to cut across to Peaslake, but we ended up on top of Leith Hill again via Friday Street. That was D'oh! number one. Indeed that is best described as a bit of a cock up navigationally.

Time to get the map out. I'm not too shabby with maps but the OS map is an unwieldy beast and you don't get one out on a whim.

Funny but life is a little easier with a map and we did find a slightly acceptable route to Holmbury Hill. "Slightly" as one bridleway climb was near vertical and we carried our bikes up, but we'd had some good fun prior so a success it was. From there we found Yogurt Pots by dint of following somebody, and then followed the same people on to Telegraph. Now the start of this I don't really like as it's all over the place and I can never find the flow, but it's worth doing for all the little drops later on, which terminate in one of perhaps 75cm that you take at some speed. Easy on a full suspension bike, but a bit more effort on a hard tail. Great fun whatever bike you take. It was interesting following and being followed down Yogurt Pots. The guys behind wanted to pass as we didn't know where we were going, fair enough. But once past they didn't make any headway at all as in reality we were doing OK compared to them. Popping out at the bottom I think they were both surprised and miffed that they'd not smoked us. In reality none of us were fast and they were being a tad selfish is all. Luckily AD carries a loaded AK47 at all times and killed them right there and then, no messing, burying the bodies in a berm. We washed the blood off with the 3 litres of water I stupidly had in my Camelbak*.

At the end it was fairly easy to find Peaslake, although I muffed up again in not finding Barry Knows Best - we could have tried a bit harder mind, as we both declined to travel up the trail to the head as the lure of food was too much by then, so we turned downhill. Now AD has never been to Peaslake Village Stores so went for a large slice of pie instead of the more palatable cheese straws or slice of cake, which never left him on each climb afterwards. I suspect even now, some ten hours later, if he burps he burps pie. Peaslake itself is a nice enough place but today was full of testosterone, which I guess we both added to. Post food we hit the hills, but only after committing the cardinal sin of getting an OS map out in front of the roughty, toughty Big Boys [one of whom was amusingly wearing a german helmet with the word "Fucking" written large on the side]. Oh dear, not locals, let's lynch the bastards! So I put it away quickly and set off in what I thought was the right direction - i.e. one suggested to me by the end of my nose. Naturally this meant long and pointless detours of Telegraph Hill until we stumbled on a trail that AD recognised. After that it was plain sailing finding Leith Hill again - just follow the Green Sand Way. Well 'just' needs qualification as it is a long bastard of a climb, which is oddly unrewarding. It's one of those you just want to get over and done with. Having said this I think if we were both a bit fitter and had not climbed Leith Hill twice, it'd be a nice chatty climb up.

Interestingly I asked three groups of two riders which was the easiest way to Leith Hill. I'd a rough idea - basically it was always up and to the left of where we were but I was after a shortcut, hence the detours. The first group admitted they happily had no idea. The second set, on hardcore bikes and one with a Met full face helmet were totally and utterly useless. They were at the ultimate geographic start of Barry. One pointed right at Peaslake suggesting that was Leith Hill, whilst the other pointed at the bottom of Telegraph. Note to self; never ask anyone in a full face helmet, directions. Then I found the climb up to Leith Hill but AD wasn't happy, as by then I suspect he'd got disorientated. He thought we were heading for Guildford. Naturally I berated him his ignorance but just then two riders not wearing full face helmets appeared so I asked them. They were good people and confirmed that the long, rather boring climb ahead of us was indeed the way. For the next ten minutes or so I was silent but smug in my direction finding. Actually I wasn't silent at all and I harped on for ages about how clever I was.

Both of us managed to do a number of jumps and drops, which surprised me the most as I do not like jumps or drops. Well I didn't but after having done over 40 today, whilst not an expert or indeed anyone in possession of any kind of style, I can now see the appeal of them. I noticed that if I think how to do them, I end up braking and riding around the sides. If instead I just ride, they are easy. Well up to a point - we found a trail near the end of Telegraph that just looked daunting and we wussed out with good grace. And isn't that the key to surviving? Knowing your own limits and trying to ride just a little bit beyond them each time you go out? The award for doing the best drops goes to AD. He's just got them somehow and I lag way behind. But again, isn't that the point? To have somebody to chase skills wise? He can chase me up hills, whilst I chase him down.

On the subject of drops and jumps. Being an older mountain biker I can remember the time when climbing hills was the skill to have, not the poncy jumps. Jumps were for kids. Now everybody needs a 160mm susser that weights 32lb. Don't have one? Good at climbing hills? You're a nobody. Pity as I'm getting better at climbing, and have never been able to drop off anything.

We had no real dramas out and about. AD rode into me and fell off. I got the blame but seeing as how there was only the two of us in a car park the size of Manhattan, then I think his point lacks merit. AD naturally had a minor mechanical involving a rear brake spring, but it resolved itself pronto. Looks like he needs new pads again, the second set of rears this week. I don't think he drags his rear bake any more than the next person, he just seems to be unlucky. And my Rockshox Reverb was lovely. I don't think it is essential but it made life a tad easier. Certainly nobody really needs one, but seeing as how mine was only £130 new from CRC, well why not?

It was a shockingly cold day with lingering snow on the hill tops. The wind was nasty. All of the ramblers we saw were dressed up in full Arctic gear. We, however, were toasty thanks to our repeated ascents of Leith Hill. It was nice to get back to the car, and we both agreed that it is silly to park on top of hills. Perhaps the end of Telegraph would be better?

We did, by the way, find Barry but didn't have time to ride it. Personally I didn't mind as it's not my favourite trail in the area anyway. Plus isn't it a bit, well you know, passe to ride?

Post ride it was nice to have clean bikes. But.... my chain is in a right state being full of sand. I've washed it twice now, once with a chain cleaner, and then when that failed in a plastic bottle full of degreaser then really hot water. Even after that it's still full of sand. Bastard. Not happy with that but what can one do? Today was also the first day that I've used contact lenses on a ride for almost 15 years. Last time I used them was when you had to clean them in acid. Naturally I was always, and without fail, putting acid into my eyes so I threw them all away. But I've long known that the best peformance aid when mountain biking is actually being able to see where you are going, and this week a local opticians' had free testing, so why not? Initially they were horrid. Always with new seeing aids the whole world looks both clearer and bigger and comes up at you at an alarming rate. For the first hour I tip-toed around, braking for worm casts and such. Then I forgot about them and they were lovely.

A good but tiring day out. My top tip for the area is this; take a map and try to use it. Failing that just ride on one hill only until you get a drift of where you are at.

*We didn't really as that would have been a waste of water.

Gemini 850 v. C and B Seen 1200 lumen.

2013-03-31T10:37:00.001-07:00

Well now AD spotted a bit of a bargain in the Evan's sale. The Gemini 850 reduced from near £150 down to £76. At that price it would be rude not to. Apparently he was lucky and got the last two in stock, so they've been selling well - or perhaps they are crap and they only had two in? Whatever, they look well made and surprisingly small [as AD's wife keeps reminding him...]. I've yet to do a night run, so will update this with a fullish test and photos soon. But for now my observations are....

The Gemini seems better made than the C and B Seen unit, as it should for almost four times the price.
I suspect that the internals of the Gemini are the usual Magicshine bits..... Side by side the head unit of the Gemini seems to match exactly the size of the gubbins of the C and B.
Whilst the four cell battery of the Gemini looks solid, it's actually not that much more powerful than the cheaper alternative.
The Gemini looks to have better optics. The central spot falls off rapidly to a diffused halo, where the C and B just falls off a cliff.

At £76 I'm very, very happy with the light, especially as the battery connectors are exactly the same as my £45 C & B, and my ancient but workable Nuke Proof Reactor. Means I can buy a split cable and run both as handlebar units, or go mad and run all three for over 2,500 lumens. Can't see it being worth it though, as the optics on the C & B aren't that great and will just wash out the ancient buddy. May well send the Nuke off to Smudge for an upgrade.

But would I have been happy to pay near £150 for it? Nope, not at all. Indeed I'd probably be a bit hacked off it I'd had of done. It most certainly isn't worth four of the cheaper unit. Sure the charger is a very nice item, and the battery is a solid thing being encased in plastic. The light unit is very well made, so all in you can see where the money has gone. But at the end of the day it's my money and I'm happy at £40 'cause I'm cheap. Also the cables and modes of attachment are identical to its' £40 brother, which furthers my suspicion that perhaps the light internals are the same as well. The battery is no more powerful than one costing a fifth of the price. In a way it's like buying a new Ferrari and finding that every single component bar the body is a bloomin' ancient FIAT Punto underneath. I'm also not convinced that the unit will be any more weatherproof than the cheaper sibling. The head unit is sealed by a very thin and baggy 'o' ring, and the on/off button is identical. The mounting unit also looks identical, being held on by only one screw. Wonder if the Hope universal fits?

At £76 it's a tenacious draw between the two lights; I'd have the Gemini just for the charging unit. At £150? Then the C and B Seen easily wins at a quarter of the price. Sure the charger is crapy, but any good model shop will have a better one for £20 or so if you feel the need to change. Certainly if you've never been night riding before, or you're like me and a bit time constrained meaning you only get to go out perhaps once every three weeks', then the C and B 1200 is a no brainer - cheap and cheerful it may be, but it does the job and I believe they do a 2,400 lumen variant for £70 or so. With that kind of output the quality of the optics falls a bit behind.

As I've said though, I've yet to try it at night..... The optics may well shift things then. I've ordered in the wide angle lens from C and B to make it fair. I've also ordered in a 'Y' split cable - both items only cost me a tenner.

Today is ninja trail maintenance day.

2013-03-31T08:03:00.001-07:00

Got some odd looks from wife and family as I set off on my bike this morning. Why? Well instead of riding gear I wore gardening clothes. Instead of a Camelbak I took a backpack. Inside my backpack was a folding spade, folding saw and some small garden shears.

Yup, today was trail maintenance day for me. I do this every so often, and have been for years. However I normally do it by stealth and just take the small shears out with me to cut down some encroaching bramble. But I'm guessing the economic situation has meant that the local authority has cut back on general maintenance themselves. Some of our trails had overhanging low trees that were just there to catch out the unwary or poke somebody in the eye; both cyclists and horse riders. So all I did today was a little bit of pruning, nothing too dramatic in and of itself, but the overall effect has been to open up a few trails. Instead of battling through bramble, with the associated risk of torn arms, legs and clothing, there is a clear sight line.

Now before you suggest I've ruined the trails, which is a fair point, let me stress that I don't go mad. I just do a bit here and there, generally making sure that it's very difficult to see where I've been or what I've done. I fully appreciate that at times a boring trail is made through having to dodge a bramble or low hanging tree. I certainly don't want to straight line everything. Indeed my pruning is more to encourage the use of the existing trail way and not to carve new alternative routes. I never prune beyond the limits of the existing trail, I never dig up plants, and I certainly don't make new pathways. Bramble I attack, everything else I leave alone.

It's also prudent only to enhance what is already there and not to undertake actual trail maintenance. Here I mean not to start digging up the trail or shifting earth or rocks about. My folding spade is simply to push back bramble so that I can cut closer to the base. I fully appreciate that I have no idea how to make, improve or repair the trail itself so that I leave to the people that actually own it. It's one thing cutting back a bit of bramble, but another entirely to start bulldozing away or hauling rocks about.

And seeing as how I had to take a rucksack, I also cleared away some of the rubbish that we get here and there. Well why not?

My own personal trail maintenance rules:

Pick up rubbish where you can.
Bramble is fair game.
Just move branches; never cut.
Leave the actual trail bed alone.
Leave no trace.
Only prune on public land.
Do as little as possible.