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Tattoos That Definitely Won’t Get You Laid

Guest Contributor — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:00:00 +0000

The following guest post was written by our good friend Janet who works for a tattoo removal center in Houston.

Sometimes tattoos are hot. I’ll say it. They are. It’s a little sexy that you can take the pain and sometimes that armband looks great on your giant bicep. But, they aren’t always a turn on. In fact, sometimes it makes me seriously second guess letting you feel me up. Guys, if you are thinking about ink, let me share my perspective. Here’s a few tattoos that make me send a “rescue me” text to my BFF.

Big-Boobed Women

I’m not intimidated. I like my rack. Just because I’m not Jessica Rabbit does not make me insecure about myself. However, the fact that you have a half naked version of her on your forearm does make me insecure about hooking up with you. It’s not that I think I’m not good enough to fill your fantasies. Ok maybe it is a little bit, but mostly it’s my concern for how you look at women. I don’t care if you keep Playboy in the bathroom. I read the jokes, and some of the interviews. It doesn’t really bother me that you are into looking at hot naked chicks; it’s that you are SO into them you feel the need to wear one on your body. It makes me think you are probably lacking in the sensitivity department. Not that I want a crier, but I would prefer someone that doesn’t objectify women on his epidermis. Not to mention, there are other questions this raises. Are you so lazy that your imagination doesn’t cut it anymore when you’re mastering your domain? Was going to get the Victoria Secret catalog THAT much of an inconvenience? Is a “Stranger” really not a viable option any more? Just saying dude…

Mom Tattoos

Ok, moms, don’t get pissed at me. You’re at muffslap.com so, chill. Listen, it’s not that I hate your memorial tattoo to your dear departed mom. Those get a free pass. But if your mom is alive and well, it’s just that… wouldn’t she have preferred like a gift basket or something? I mean if your mom is genuinely touched by your tatted tribute, I’m gonna question your upbringing. What exactly did biker mom teach you about domesticity? Can you be trusted to put the seat down and change your socks regularly? Because there’s no way you’re parking your Ducati in my garage if you grew up in Hell’s Angels day care. And on the flip side, just because you’re man enough to take a needle doesn’t necessarily mean your man enough to cut the apron strings. Yeah, maybe the big burly bad boy thing is a little bit hot, and maybe “I Heart Mom” equals a soft side under the tough exterior; I suppose I could buy that. But there are extreme negative possibilities in play here. So just in case, I’m gonna need 3-5 more jack and cokes before that tattoo is not a serious deterrent.

Your Ex’s Name

Who the hell is Candace? And why is her name on your shoulder? Oh, she’s your ex. Yeah, there’s another guy two bar stools down that isn’t labeled so I think I’m gonna let him buy the next round. What seems like a grand romantic gesture in a relationship becomes an inky cock blocker for single life. It’s not that I don’t get it; you thought it was gonna last forever so you imprinted her name on your body. But…oddly enough, it didn’t work out and now she’s still hanging around. Yes there’s a chance Candace was a cheating whore that broke your heart. There’s also a good chance that you are impulsive. It’s a judgment thing, and I’m not really sure I have that much faith in yours. And maybe, if I’m in the mood for a one nighter, it doesn’t matter. I won’t give a damn about Candace’s ghost. But if I’m looking for more than that, I sure as hell do. Everybody has a past and failed relationships, but we do our best to put the remnants of those away in the dusty parts of our minds and our basements. We do not have them emblazoned on our upper bodies. Well, clearly some of us do.

Cartoon or Video Game Characters

So your Mom tattoo tells me that your mother might still do your laundry, but your Mario Brothers tattoo tells me you may not do laundry at all. In fact, your cartoonish body art conjures visions of you parked in your parents’ basement playing World of War Craft at 2am with Cheetos colored fingers. If that image enters my head, you may as well have just announced that you have The Clap, because frankly I couldn’t’ be more turned off. These kinds of tattoos tell me that you’re still a little boy. And a little boy is not capable of being my man. I mean the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles… really? Cause you had me until I spotted Donatello. It worries me that of all the things in the world, of all the designs you could imprint on your skin, you chose a cartoon character. I question your maturity, your taste level and your priorities. Is it possible that you have an impish glee for life and are a true gentleman who is a kid at heart? Sure it is. But it’s far more likely I’m gonna have to nag you to put down the DSP and mow the lawn. So if you have a warm child hood memory tattooed on your body, it’s highly doubtful your Legend will ever find it’s way into my Zelda.

Guys, I’m only one woman, and these aren’t hard fast rules. In fact, I’ve probably gone to bed with an offender in each one of these categories. It’s just that there are connotations associated with these kinds of tats. If you want body art, I’m all about it, but could you maybe go for one that doesn’t have a stigma attached? It only makes you have to work harder in the end. I’m just saying, in a lot of cases these designs are putting you at a dating disadvantage. And let’s face it, when it comes to picking up chicks, most guys are at a disadvantage to begin with. We know what you want, and in our minds we’re judging you. If you don’t have these tattoos, you are making it just a little easier for us to say yes.

Janet writes a lot about tattoos and tattoo removal. Fortunately for all of us, lasers are giving us an opportunity to redact some drunken mistakes.

Tattoos That Definitely Won’t Get You Laid is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

The WTF Blanket

Franky — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:30:44 +0000

When regular blankets just too confusing to use, give the WTF blanket a try!

Click here to view the embedded video.

The WTF Blanket is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

A Short Guide to Booze

Franky — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:00:41 +0000

In yet another great infographic from our good friends over at Online Schools, we bring you a short guide to booze. Find out everything you need to know about booze including which country drinks the most beer and how many drunk driving accidents there are in Russia every year. Enjoy!

A Short Guide to Booze is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

An Ass Collage

Franky — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:30:16 +0000

Click on the image below for the full version

Just in case we haven’t given you enough asses here on Muff Slap, we offer you a very impressive ass collage. Enjoy!

Links of the Day

All About Brooklyn Decker

5 Reasons Mad Men Is Ruining Our Lives

The First 6 Things a Girl Notices in a Guy

Young Love Isn’t Always a Beautiful Thing

A Tribute to the Babes of Hooters

Judge Resigns After Tons of Porn Found on Computer

Jessica Alba Up Skirt Pics of the day

Cat Plays Duck Hunt

Ten Teams ‘Hard Knocks’ Was Made For

Bar Refaeli down on all fours for Vs magazine

Vida Guerra Looks Bootilicious

Deep Fried Beer: The Future Is Now

An Ass Collage is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

Gold-Digging Girlfriends: A 411 for Guys

Guest Contributor — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:30:53 +0000

You think you’ve met the girl of your dreams; she’s smart, sweet, and funny, she impresses everyone you know, and she has legs that go on for days. So what if she likes the finer things in life? That just means she has excellent taste, right? And her disinterest in children probably has a lot more to do with the fact that she’s so much younger than you…it’s not that she lacks maternal instinct, she’s simply not ready. And it’s really very sweet that she’s taken an interest in helping the Latin pool boy with his English, even if the only time he can study is late at night, at his house. So, apparently you’ve been living on another planet for your entire life, otherwise you’d see this woman for the money-hungry, hungry hippo that she is. The gold-digger is a rare breed of grifter, one whose only goal is to take you for everything you’re worth. So if you happened to have flown into her web of lies and become ensnared, here are a few strategies you should consider to free yourself up to find a woman of substance.

Leave Her

It won’t be easy. This is a woman who’s not used to being turned down. She’ll try every trick in the book to stay in your good graces, from flattery to…well, you can probably make an educated guess as to what kind of persuasive tactics she might employ. But stay strong, brother. Your bankbook is in the balance.

Date Her Best Friend

This is a calculated risk. It could end with her leveling a gun at your chest or two women wrestling for your affections in a kiddie pool full of pudding. Alright, in reality, both of those outcomes are pretty unlikely. She’s more apt to sucker punch you, kick you with her Jimmy Choos, and vow to never speak to you again. Mission accomplished!

Cut the Funds

Nix the fast cars, fancy restaurants, and spendy gifts. Offer up a few low-key dates like dinner at Burger King followed by a night of bowling (she’s not going to like that in her designer dress and heels, not to mention the havoc it will wreak on her manicure). She might roll with the punches and suck it up for a little while, but eventually she’s going to expect a shopping spree on Robertson, and when it isn’t forthcoming, she may just hit the bricks on her own.

Feign Bankruptcy

Tell her that you’ve filed Chapter 7, that she’s going to have to start handling the majority of the bills, and then sit back and see what happens. She’s likely to pull a disappearing act to rival the master of illusion himself, Harry Houdini. She may, however, hang around a bit to see if you’re lying, so you might have to drag out the ruse until she slinks away to find fresh meat.

Pen a Pre-nup

If you aren’t convinced that she’s a gold-digger and you want to go ahead and marry her, simply have your attorney draw up an iron-clad pre-nup for her to sign. If she actually loves you, she’ll sign it (for god’s sake, don’t let her trick you into tearing it up!). If she refuses to entertain the notion, you’ll have a pretty definitive answer as to her intentions.

Darcy Johansan is a writer for the Pickup Artist where you can find more great tips and advice on dating.

Gold-Digging Girlfriends: A 411 for Guys is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

Featured Model: London’s Crystal Carrera

Franky — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:00:56 +0000

In our Muff Slap original series, Featured Model, we will feature an exclusive interview with a gorgeous up-and-coming model. In addition to the interview, we will post a picture gallery displaying some of our favorite work from the featured model.

Hometown: London, UK
Nickname(s): Barbie
Heritage/Ethnic Background: British, Italian, German
Height: 5 ft 6 in
Weight: 125lbs
Bust Size (Real or Really Expensive): 34F real
Astrological Sign: Cancer
College/Degree: Beauty
Profession: Model
Website: www.myspace.com/petaalana

About Yourself:
I am a published model and dancer from London, UK and divide my time between England and Las Vegas. I have been published in the UK, USA and Europe.

Your Claim to Fame:
Being featured in various magazines and on websites wordwide!

Fun Fact About You:
Hmmm, I’m a fun kind of girl, what can I say!

Best Physical Feature:
My eyes..I talk with them!

Biggest Turn On:
Men with muscles! OMG!!!!!

Favorite Type of Panty:
G string

Favorite TV Show:
Keeping up with the Kardashians

Favorite Movie:
Anything scary – Saw, Hostel

Favorite Candy:
Mike and Ike

Where do you think is the best place to pick up guys?:
A bar or nightclub for most girls, although I tend to pick up guys in the gym!

If you would like to be in a future Featured Model article, please send us your details.

Featured Model: London’s Crystal Carrera is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

Practice Your Hand Job Skills With the Shake Weight

Franky — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:30:23 +0000

Ladies, now you can lose weight and improve your handjob skills with this revolutionary new exercise device; the Shake Weight.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Practice Your Hand Job Skills With the Shake Weight is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

WTF Is That Thing?!?!

Franky — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:00:30 +0000

Seriously,WTF is this thing? Somehow, I don’t think the guy on the left found this while he was snorkeling.

Links of the Day

Some Hottie Named Alexa

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7 Signs Your Barber Sucks

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Spank Bank: Kara Monaco

Miss Universe 2010 in Pictures

Ronaldo’s smoking girlfriend, model Irina Shayk, poses for GQ

Top 10 Smartest Porn Stars

Topless Fire Breather (NSFW)

Bar Refaeli Playing Tennis At Nike Knockout Bash In This Sexy Outfit

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WTF Is That Thing?!?! is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

17 Fantastic Facts About Bacon

Franky — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:00:23 +0000

Bacon has been called the candy meat – it’s decadent, rich, and indulgent. Cured and crispy, bacon has been a favorite for centuries. Whether you like it with eggs, tossed on a salad, dressing up a burger, or even dipped in chocolate, there’s a bacon treat for everyone. With “baconmania” in full swing, let’s take a moment to appreciate all facets of the best part of the pig.

[Via: Online Schools]

17 Fantastic Facts About Bacon is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.

Best Craigslist “Missed Connection” Post Ever

Franky — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:00:03 +0000

So you’re on a first date with a women and she craps her pants in car. What do you do? Well, you jump right on Craigslist and ask her for a second date!

Click on the below image to see the full size version.

Best Craigslist “Missed Connection” Post Ever is a post from Muff Slap, a men's online lifestyle magazine.