Multiversity experience

2011-01-24T06:38:00.002+00:00

"Sorry sir you can't go through the barrier without a pass."
"I'm a new member of staff and they are going to give me my pass at the new staff induction that is starting in about 20 minutes"
" No pass No access sir"
" All these other cars?"
"Yes sir they don't have passes either."
"Let me guess, they are all going to the new staff induction?"
" Yes sir."
" Ok how do I get a pass to go to the induction?"
"You get them...."
" at the new staff induction by any chance?"
" Yes sir, have you worked here before sir?"
"No, just a wild guess"
" yes sir"
" So in order to get to the new staff induction to get a pass, I need the pass that I will get at the new staff induction. Just checking I have this right"
" Yes sir , that's right sir, that's they system sir."
" system implies... Oh never mind. Are you on your own out here?"
"Are you threatening me sir? "
"not yet"
" Have you got to stay here?"
" Yes sir until relieved sir"
" So hypothetically speaking if someone was to just drive through you would have to stay here?"
" er yes sir, I suppose so. It has never happened sir. No one just drives through, I mean, Sir? Sir? SIR!"

2009-08-24T19:52:00.002+01:00

Minutes of Meeting...

Professor John xxxxxx Head of the School of Deportment requested that Dr. Platothefish explain why his nameplate read 'Head of Centre of Excellence for Political Decision Making' when there no such centre existed.

Dr. P replied he thought nameplate creativity was a custom as he had noticed one saying Head of Financial Responsibility and Strategy.

Dr. P was asked to remove the nameplate.

2009-08-24T19:46:00.001+01:00

Hmmm apparently neglect and withholding beer doesn't kill a blog.

2008-12-22T16:24:00.002+00:00

To: All Staff
From: Professor xxxxxxxxxxx Deputy VC

Subject: Christmas Annual Leave

A large number of emails have been directed at the HR office today from staff accusing them of being Scrooge and worse.

I have investigated the certificates found in the five eggs discovered yesterday. It would appear that the eggs and certificates have gone to people who have had a difficult year, including two members of staff who were bereaved earlier this year, one who has been diagnosed with cancer and two other personal circumstances I will not go into here. As a result the certificates will be honored. Please stop sending emails to HR they were just carrying out procedures.

xxxxxxxxxxx
Deputy VC

2008-12-22T16:21:00.003+00:00

To: All Staff

Please note. I have checked with the VC's office. The certificates for extended holidays being found in the eggs are not real. They did not come form the VC and therefore will not be honored.

XXXXxxxxx
HR Directorate

2008-12-22T16:20:00.001+00:00

To: All staff

Just on my way. Anyone want to come?

George xxxxxxxxxx
Senior Lecturer
Geophysics

2008-12-22T16:19:00.001+00:00

To: All staff

How the blazes did that get there it must be 20 foot high? Has anyone been up to it?

Ben

2008-12-22T16:17:00.001+00:00

To: All staff

OMG I have found the egg guys. Just look on the Rugby field!

Tina
Reception

2008-12-22T16:11:00.002+00:00

To: All staff

Two more eggs have turned up, one in the office of the catering manager and one in building 244's cleaning cupboard. The cleaner dropped hers and found a certificate from the VC saying that the bearer of the certificate is entitled to two extra days off this Christmas, inside. It might be worth the other people checking their eggs. One more egg to go...

Bella xxxxxx
Admin Assistant

2008-12-20T17:55:00.002+00:00

by email -
To all staff:
From Dr. xxxxxx xxxxx

I think I found a clue. I have just found a large egg on my desk.

Dr. xxxxxx xxxxx

From Prof. xxxxxxxx

Me too

From xxxxxxx xxx

And me - three more to go.

2008-12-20T17:51:00.002+00:00

Plato,
What do you know about all this 12 days of Christmas stuff going on? The entire staff are hunting for the next thing - 6 Geese? Do you know where they will turn up? Is this you?

Dear xxxxxx,
What and spoil the magic of Christmas?

Plato

2008-12-20T10:28:00.002+00:00

As you will have noticed a very large set of neon Olympic rings has been installed on the front of the main university building. They have been there for about a week. Everyone assumed it had some official purpose but on investigation none of the departments know anything about it. before we remove the said item can you all just check if they were placed there for an official purpose. It's just that the plug for the rings is trailed through the window of the HR directors office and the window won't shut properly.

1 hour later - reference the 5 gold rings - it would appear that we have been the victim of a continuing prank. If anyone has any information where these rings have come from please inform HR or the security service.

2008-12-20T10:22:00.002+00:00

Hey Plato I thought you would like to know about this one. Grumpy old Professor xxxxxxxxx from the School Sexual Heath apparently had a stretched limo arrive for him a couple of days ago. It wasn't in his diary but you know what his memory is like so he got in thinking he had forgotten some important meeting.
It would appear when he got into the car there were four call girls waiting for him. The Limo drove off.
He arrived back about an hour later with a very big smile on his face and has since been heard whistling! Any ideas?

Plato: Four call girls you say?

2008-12-18T01:34:00.002+00:00

The Deputy V.C. heard noises coming from his filing cabinet earlier today. On investigation three chickens were discovered in the bottom three drawers. Someone must have seen someone entering the office. If you saw anything suspicious earlier today near the VC's office block please let the USS know ASAP before this goes any further.

2008-12-18T01:31:00.002+00:00

Some how whilst the University Security Service guard was in the HR office preventing breakins last night 2 doves were placed in the USS control room. If anyone has any knowledge of this please come forward.

2008-12-16T07:14:00.002+00:00

Email to all staff:
To whoever put the partridge and pear tree in the HR office. These offices will be patrolled on the lead up to Christmas by the USS to prevent any further break ins.

2008-12-16T07:13:00.000+00:00

"Oh no - please no"

2008-12-16T07:12:00.001+00:00

"Yes how did you know that the bowl of fruit was a bowl of pears?"

2008-12-16T07:06:00.002+00:00

It would appear the the pheasant was a partridge and a small tree had been found planted on the directors desk with a bowl of fruit. We are puzzled. If anyone can help please contact the USS.

2008-12-16T06:43:00.002+00:00

All HR services are suspended this morning. A live pheasant was discovered running around the HR offices when they were opened up this morning, which could explain why the burglar alarm kept going off last night. The University Security Services are trying to capture the bird at the moment. If anyone knows how the bird came to be in our offices please do let us know.

Barbara xxxxxxxx
HR assistant

2008-12-08T04:38:00.002+00:00

Postcards pleading for help have been received from Clifton over the last month from London, Edinburgh, Oxford, New York, Riyadh, Hong Kong and Cape Town. Do you know anyone who has visited these places over the last month? No further ransom notes have been received. A reward is now offered for the return of the bear.

2008-11-06T19:39:00.003+00:00

A note has been found sellotaped to a bit of fur in the HR office photocopier. The note says "Pay the ransom or the bear gets it. Further instructions to follow."

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Clifton (the missing teddy) or who might be responsible please notify the security office who have been notified and have launched an investigation. Jake Xxxxxx of the University Security Services who happens to be a retired detective has been put in charge of the investigation.

This is not the behaviour we expect of staff or students. The return of the property forthwith would be appreciated.

Jean xxxxxxxxx
Director of HR
HR Directorate

2008-11-02T01:04:00.002+00:00

For your information a number of people have emailed the HR office about the disappearance of the Teddy Bear from the office of the Director of HR.
The bear answers to the name of 'Clifton'.
If anyone one has any further information about this incident please contact either HR or Security.

2008-11-02T00:23:00.002+00:00

A strange break-in occurred over the weekend in the HR office. As you may know the Director of HR has a small collection of Teddy bears in her office. These are personal items, some with sentimental value. On her arrival at work yesterday the largest bear had disappeared and the remaining teddies were found scattered around the office apparently looking inside draws and bins.
If anyone knows the whereabouts of the missing bear please contact the HR office.

2008-07-25T19:03:00.002+01:00

Plato please tell me it wasn't you that started this rubbish:

I had a whole raft of paperwork, and I means volumes, delivered from HR this morning who are seriously investigating a suggestion that the University are not compliant to the diversity / equal opportunities legislation. It took me about an hour to understand what the hell all this paperwork was for. It appears that 'someone' has suggested that many of our doorways, ceilings, desks, chairs and other furniture are, and I quote, 'heightist' and therefore racist. Pygmies and Maassi are used as examples of sections of humanity disadvantaged by the dimentions of our buildings etc.
I and all the other heads of department have been asked to measure the height of all the rooms, doors and all other equipment to see if we are indeed not as inclusive as we claim.

I have a horrible feeling I have just worked out why you have been walking around on stilts.