Mum, You Broke My Heart!

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2115-09-14T23:03:00.000+08:00


	Title: Mum, You Broke My Heart! Author: Sharon Lin ISBN: 978-981-09-6917-2 Format: Ebook Published: 2015 What it is about: A personal reflection on family relationship Get Your Copy Now from Amazon! *(Currently available in all Amazon markets including UK, France, Germany, India, except USA)*

Asian Parenting vs Western Parenting

2016-06-16T17:36:00.001+08:00

(Image Source: http://izquotes.com/quotes-pictures/quote-ancestor-worship-or-filial-piety-so-characteristic-of-asian-cultures-for-example-does-not-really-alan-dundes-53820.jpg)

Singapore is an Asian society with a Western outlook.

Increasingly, the upbringing of kids here follows the western way. Some parents still look to caning as a way of discipling their children, many young parents are resorting to reasoning with their children when dealing with their disciplinary issues.

I want to write about what happens in my Traditional Asian Chinese family versus what goes on in other families who adopt the Westernised parenting approach.

In my Asian Chinese family...

Filial piety is of the utmost importance.

In my family, this means absolute obedience to what my parents say. You can never say No to them because saying No means being disrespectful to them. There is no room for open discussion and reasoning when there is a difference in thought between the parents and children. Parents do not have to give a reason to their children in order to cane them. It is always assumed that parents know things better and kids better listen to them or they will regret their whole lives.

In Asian families, parents sacrifice a lot, financial, mentally and emotionally, in order to push their children to achieve the greatest that they can. This, in itself, is not a wrong thing to do and in face, it looks very noble of them to do so. However, there's a catch. You must repay all that your parents gave to you. You owe your parents the hard work that they put in to raise you. You are forever indebted to them. Even when you become an adult, you are not allowed to have your own ideas and still must continue to obey all that they dictate to you. Any form of disobedience is unfilial.

In my family, my parents and relatives even take it to the extreme. I even owe my life to my parents. My uncle was explaining to me some time last year that if my mother wants to beat me or kill me, I must not run away. I must stay put and let myself be beaten or killed by her.

You see, it's not weird that he thinks this way because our parents owned our lives and we owe our lives to our parents.

So, I have disobeyed my mother and an labelled an "unfilial" child. When she asked me to jumped off the windows of our kitchen, I didn't do it. When I run away from home and now lives in a rented room outside, I receive threats from my uncle who told me that children are supposed to live with their parents and not stay alone by themselves outside the family. What I did is seriously unfilial, so unfilial that my uncle threatened to put me in jail should I continue to live outside.

However, they did give me one survival route. That is, if I give my parents $1 million, they will stop all their threats and will give me the freedom that I want and that is what makes me tick every morning, every night, and virtually every waking moment. I wanted to have my ideas and freedom more than any other in the world! So be it, I'm an unfilial kid.

I don't have a good opinion of holding on to filial piety after going through all the unhappiness associated with it.

See my previous post: Who Is The One With The Real Issue? Who Actually Has Fault?

Parents want to have "face".

That's why there are Tiger Moms. Parents want to brag about their children's achievements during Chinese New Year gatherings. By itself, there's nothing wrong. What can be wrong with wanting our next generation to become better their parents' generation? I was happy that in a Chinese family, if I want to learn something, my mother supports me without question.

But, as I grew up, I think parents should take the positive approach to achievement rather than the negative. For my mother, she would always compare me to others and tell me how much better others were compared to me. For example, she always talk about how our neighbour's son gave their parents so much allowance each month.

I don't like the way she did the comparison without realising our situation was different from theirs.

Taking this positively, she might want me to become a better person. But somehow, I felt it was more of she wanting to have more "face" in front of others. She wants to feel more superior than others.

This is another concept, apart from filial piety, that I don't really like to talk about at all. It didn't work for me and has made me feel utterly adequate of forever not meeting what my mother wants.

Strict adherence to family rank.

Parents have the ultimate say in their children's lives, even when they are adults (which I mean over 21 years old). Children will always be ranked below their parents and have no say in their lives.

I have been tutoring for over 10 years. I find it quite amusing in so many families that the parents always have to ask their children for permission to clean up their rooms or throw away their rubbish or what they would like to eat for dinner and lunch.

In my family, I was expected to eat anything that my mother cooked or bought. I was expected to praise that all the dishes that my mother cook were perfectly done. There was once I honestly told my mother that a dish was not nice and she flared up, scolding me for not being grateful to her and said that if I'm so good in my cooking skills, I could cook next time.

Many times, my mother just cleaned up my room and she would throw away my things without asking me, telling me later that I should thank her for keeping my room free of clutter. She had thrown away things that I wanted to keep and I still had to thank her.

You see, in her view, she was doing a great deed for her children by labouring to clean up the room and throwing out what she thought was unnecessary stuff. It didn't matter if the stuff are still important to the children. The fact is as a parent she had laboured hard and the children shouldn't and mustn't complain at all. Children have to no say in things.

In Western families...

I don't have the chance of seeing how a western family works. But from the many articles I read about, it seems that the following generally holds true:

Westerners favour love for parents rather than being nice to parents as a form of indebtedness.
Westerners tend to reason with their children allowing two-way communication and mutual understanding instead of demanding the children to do things according to the parents' wishes without letting know the reasons.
Westerners tend to treat children as equal, especially after they turn 18. Children can talk to their parents as equal and can have their own mind and express their own opinion.

At the end of the day, I feel there are advantages and disadvantages from both Asian and Western parenting methods. There are great men and women raised up from both cultures.

I think it is to your advantage if you can merge both the Asian and Western ways of parenting

Who Is The One With The Real Issue? Who Actually Has Fault?

2016-05-26T15:46:00.000+08:00

Recently, the worst thing that has ever happened in my life was played out on me. I crossed path with the police and the mental institute. All because of the worst man I have ever seen in my life: my own father.

A few weeks ago, my father sent an SMS to me, informing that my mother was about to throw all my books away. I met with my father personally to find out more details. At the end of the meetup, I told him to go back and save my books.

Never would I have expected that he went back home and initiated the greatest argument with my mother. My mother went into the kitchen and brought out a kitchen knife with her, threatening to either kill herself or my father.

After my mother was arrested by the police and placed into policy custody, my father then sent an SMS to inform me what had happened and told me he didn't think he was wrong and blamed my mother. I asked him why he did such a thing. "You said I didn't have the guts so I wanted to show you that I gave the guts to save your books!". Simpleton. Period.

So I went berserk upon hearing ridiculous news and that's how I landed up with the police.

This is not the first time my father did this kind of stupid thing.

My Father:

Quarrels and arguments almost every day since I was 5 years old, about money, about how he didn't care about her or us, my sister and me.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mother would ask me to go and ask my father to bring home salary. From what my mother told me, my father was working for his brother and he didn't dare to ask for a salary.

He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me."

When the light bulbs went faulty, we had to ask him over and over again over several days before he would remember to change them. Gradually, my sister and I or my mother would change the light bulb ourselves and never wanted to ask him again.

For the past 20 years, he had never brought the family out for meals or gathering.

There were two things I am still extremely angry with him till this day. One happened after my A levels examinations. I was worrying whether I could do well enough to get into a local university. I told my father about my worries. He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me." ITE stands for Institute of Technical Education, a post-secondary vocational school for students who are less academically and more adept with hands-on work.

Fortunately, I did well to go into a local university. There was once I asked my father to fetch me back home with a lot of my belongings because I needed to vacate my hostel soon as the term would soon end. He missed a turning and couldn't find my hostel. I called him to find out where he was after waiting for a long time. After asking him a few questions, I knew where he was certainly and gave him directions to my hostel. He was not that far from my hostel. But he insisted that it was too troublesome and asked me to go back home myself. That's what I really did. Till this day, I found this episode ridiculous because he was already in the vicinity of where I stayed and yet I had to go back home myself.

My Mother:

I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

When I was a bit older, I asked my mother why she didn't want to divorce since my father had a useless man all his life and had created endless troubles for the three of us.

The only reason she gave was: she wanted to give us a complete family.

She wanted us to have a father and a mother, even when the circumstances had already shown that we weren't happy. She wanted my sister and me to have both parents, at all costs, regardless of all the quarrels and arguments that happened almost every day for the past 30 years.

Even now, my father still hasn't grown up to be a mature man and is still not showing care and concern for us all, she still didn't want to divorce him.

I don't understand her.

I really want my father to leave the house. My sister and I want a happy and peaceful home to live in. But the final decision has to be made by my mother.

She used to tell us very often how grandmother died when she was very young and how grandfather did not care about her and her younger brother (my uncle) and even beat them up often, and how her parents-in-laws and my father ill-treated her. Those may be true. But then, if she's suffering so much, why don't she just insist on moving away to a new place? Why is it that when she is aware that she is suffering she still insists on suffering in it?

Recently, I told her that her brother, my uncle, has been sending me SMSes to threaten me and sue me. I thought she didn't know. But when I showed her the messages, she said she already knew. Then I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

My Uncle:

He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy.

Ever since April 2014 when I first moved into my grandfather's house to seek a more peaceful life, my uncle has been sending me threatening SMSes to force me to move out of my grandfather's house, even though the house doesn't belong to him. He has also dictated to throw all my belongings out from my mother's house if I didn't move back. He has crossed the line. That's my parents' house, not his. Yet, he talked as if he owned the house.

On the day that my grandfather died, I went to the hospital ward to see my grandfather one last time. I didn't make any noise even though I don't want to see him. Yet he yelled at me and threatened me to move out of my grandfather's house immediately. I pointed my middle finger at him and he ran over and pushed me against the wall several times. It was stupid of me not to go and make a police case. He went one step ahead of me and make a police report against me about the middle finger gesture.

He even now expected me to apologies to him when he was the one who first yelled at me.

He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

From what he said and all the information I could gather from my mother and father, he did all these in order to force me to move back with my mother. He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy. And if I don't move back, he will continue to threaten me. He told me to treat my mother better, or I will have to watch out for him. When my mother faced retrenchment 16 years ago, she scold me every day and beat me regularly and I didn't even make a police report against her or ran away from home. How many children nowadays will suffer like that? I asked so many of my friends what they will do. Most of them tell me they will leave the home or make a police report. But I didn't, simply because she's my mum. And he's now telling everyone how ungrateful I was to leave home.

One year ago, on the phone, he told me that my mother owns my life. Whatever she said, I must listen if not I am unfilial. He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

All over the world, children move out temporarily or permanently to live on their own, why am I the only one faulted?

Besides, did he know why I didn't want to move back? My parents till this day are still quarrelling. Even after 30 years of marriage, my father still hasn't grown to become more mature. He is still irresponsible with words. Every thing that he can promise he will break it. He still doesn't care about us. The only thing that he understands what care and concern is about is buying some food home. It's not about asking how you feel when you fall sick. It's not about listening to you attentively.

In family problems, it is very easy for us to slip into the habit of pinpointing one person to blame for all the misery experienced by other family members. But after analysing all that had happened, everyone did have fault, some more, some less.

My Grandfather:

So I guessed it all started with my grandfather. My mother said he didn't care about her and her brother. He was always scolding them with vulgarities and beating them. He was always spending his money on alcohol and women. Life was tough. After marriage, my mother had to deal with my father's parents who again, as she told me, ill-treated her. Most of all, My father, the husband that she finally chosen, is a Mama's boy and didn't stand up for her and protect her when his parents were bashing her. But then, why my mother insisted on staying with such a man and torturing herself with it?

Many people, except my father, that originated all the troubles my mother faced for the past 30 years have already passed away. I have let go. But my mother is still holding onto her bad memories. She is still scolding me how I don't understand her despair in her past.

Who's at fault now? Am I causing her misery now or she is the cause of her own misery?

This May Be The Reason Why You Are Being Hated And You Just Don't Know Why and Love Is The Solution

2016-04-29T15:04:00.000+08:00

The solution to my mum's hatred of me is LOVE!!!

It was a restless night last night.

I couldn't sleep until 4am. I woke up a mere 4 hours later at 8am.

It was a slow morning. I brushed my teeth slowly, washed my face slowly, changed into my work attire listlessly, all the while with all sorts of thoughts spinning at the speed of light in and around my brain.

Why and how did I end up that way?

Last night, I received an unexpected phone call from my father and we talked for a full 40 minutes. He shared so many things with my regarding the circumstances surrounding my grandfather's death this Wednesday morning on 27 April 2016.

One of the things that kept me awake last night was the photograph he had taken from one of the many photo albums that my grandfather had kept in his wardrobe. He told me that was a photo of my mum's younger self with her father, which is my grandfather. My father said I looked exactly like my mum when she was younger.

I was a split image of my mum!

This is so eerie!

Last year, I shared with a good friend of mine all the unpleasant things my mum did to me. As we chatted, he suddenly asked about how my mother looked like. I told him we were very alike. When we went out together, people often thought we are sisters. At that time, my friend told me that could be exactly the reason why my mother hated me!

Because I looked exactly like my mother, every time when we saw me, those nasty thoughts about how her father treated her filled her up completely and she couldn't help but hate me whenever she looked at me. At that time, I only took what he said with a pinch of salt. I had doubt if it could be true.

But now, there's evidence.

My friend advised me to take a look at the photo as soon as possible to verify if I was the split image of my mum.

And my friend added on that if that was the case, I need to love my mum, not hate her, because she probably went through a bad time with her father and she couldn't help but take her anger on me, and always dissatisfied and unhappy with me.

Now I sort of understand.

Yes, I will not hate my mum. She couldn't help it. I need to love her even more, and help her walk out of her shadows.

Bless me and my mum. Wouldn't you?

How To Know If You Are Living With A Control Freak?

2015-12-13T12:22:00.002+08:00

Living with a parent or grandparent who is a control freak isn't easy. The worst thing is they are not even aware that they are control freak. If they are not aware, they won't realise they have a problem. Without realising that they have a problem, they will not take steps to change their behaviour and thinking.

After a meet-up with a friends lately, talking to him about my problem with my grandfather, he pointed out that grandfather was a control freak. Indeed.

I didn't know how my mother managed to live with him for over twenty years without going crazy but in these 1 year and 8 months that I have lived with him, I have suffered a few mental breakdown. Not only that, some people criticised me as being too emotionally immature or too quick tempered. These people should live with my grandfather for one year before they think they know everything.

So, going back to the main question. How do you know if you are living with a control freak?

1. He wants you to be back home by a certain time every day.

My grandfather used to call me at 10pm every day, asking me the same five questions every time: where are you now? what are you doing now? who are you with? what time will you be back? are you coming back soon?

Years ago, when I was living with my parents, he used to wait at the bus stop every day where my mother would alight after work. He would walk behind my mother until they reach my parents' apartment. Then he would leave.

My mother told me he's crazy. But actually, he's not crazy. He has a very serious need for control. It wasn't that he really cared about my mother much as he needed to see that my mother was back home at a certain every day.

2. He guilt-trips you by giving you pretty reasons for the things he does.

I asked my grandfather why he called me the same time every night and he said it was for my safety. It was a good reason but I was 29 years old, and going to be 30 years old. Surely he knows that I'm able to take care of myself? But, the reason would make you feel guilty about not being back home early because you are making him worry, But don't be fooled. He wasn't worried. He just wanted to make sure you were back by a certain time. It's a kind of control!

Because I tutored almost every single night, so when I reached home, it would be almost 11pm. And he would always tell me he hadn't eaten. He was waiting for me to eat. I would always tell him to eat earlier when he's hungry. There's no need to wait for me. And he would always tell me he wasn't hungry. And if I told him I don't want to eat, he would be unhappy and say, "I waited for you for so long to eat yet you don't want to eat."

3. He doesn't allow you to do anything at home.

I like to water the potted plants outside my grandfather's apartment. But he would always stop me. He said he had already watered the plants and I didn't need to do it again. Or he would tell he he would water it later and there's no need to trouble me.

When I wanted to wash the dishes after a meal, he would also tell me that he would do it later.

When I wanted to wash my clothes, he would also tell me that I didn't need to do it.

On the surface, he seemed like a good grandfather. But he's just a control freak. He's telling me not to do it not because he loved me but as a control freak, he couldn't stand anyone doing things their own way.

Are you living with a control freak?

Good Parenting Brings Good Karma

2015-12-10T23:51:00.003+08:00

www.social-consciousness.com

Good parenting brings good karma. If you sow good seeds today, you not only benefit your children. You also benefit your grandchildren and their children and so on.

My mother warned me before I moved in to live with my grandfather, her father, about one year and eight months ago.

Initially I thought my mother was wrong. I thought she was simply prejudiced due to her experience with her father.

But she was right.

About six months after I lived with with, he started to call me every night at 10pm asking where I was, who I was with, what was I doing, and what time would I reach home. This lasted for about a year and finally came to a stop after I had a breakdown in my neighbourhood park and complained to my father that I couldn't take it anymore. It was a torture. At the worse, he called 15 times within an hour because I didn't pick up his call.

He even had a good reason for it. He was worried about my safety, he said. On the surface it seemed a good reason, but I was 29 years old, going towards 30 years old, and being treated like a child. No wonder my mother felt suffocated.

But the worse thing that he could ever do to a child was to lie and lie again, and refusing to admit he was telling lies. I told him not to bring my clothes out to dry by direct sunlight. I told you to just leave my clothes indoor. He refused. Every day, he would promise that he heard me but every day, he would bring out the clothes as if he had never understood what he promised. For one year, I kept telling him nicely not to hang the clothes out. Eventually, several of my clothes faded because of the strong sunlight and some were lost as they were dropped onto the ground floor (we lived on the 8th storey) without his knowing.

And still, he insisted that he didn't bring the clothes out to dry. He even said that he didn't touch my clothes and he didn't know how my clothes were lost. What a blatant lie! I threw a very bad temper that day, and thereafter, he stopped doing it completely.

Recently I was trying to see if I can successfully grow garlic from a bunch of garlic cloves that I had. I put these garlic cloves in a small bowl and added quite a substantial amount of water to the bowl, but for two days, the bowl was surprising totally dried up after I came home at the end of each day. I knew my grandpa had drained the water. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know. So for the third day, I continued my routine and added the same amount of water before I left home for work but this time, the water that remained in the bowl at the end of day was substantial. It meant that my grandpa had actually been draining the water. It wasn't that I didn't place enough water in the bowl.

After so many such episodes for the past one year and eight months, I couldn't bring myself to trust him again.

Only then I realised why my mother didn't trust anyone, including me. I wondered how she live twenty over years of her life with my grandpa. This lack of trust has seriously undermined my relationship with my mother. I often wondered and was angry with her for not believing in me.

I told my grandpa that was exactly the reason why his daughter and son didn't want him anymore. He simply shut me up, and told me if I was so unhappy with him, he would call the police and ask me to talk to the police. Instead of reflecting on himself, he simply insisted that the problem was me, not him.

Calling the police was his habit. In the one year and eight months I lived with him, I had seen more policeman coming to his house than for the past 29 year I lived with my parents. In face, I have never seen any policeman before at my house. He called those policemen because I threw my anger at him over his behaviour.

If the only thing that he could do was to call the police when his children or grandchildren made him very unhappy, what good could he do?

And I also had reason to believe his bad karma affected the career of his children.

No wonder his children, my mother and my uncle, forsook him. And now, I am ready to do the same as well.

He had to reason to blame anyone for not caring about him. This is karma.

The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

2015-10-25T09:00:00.000+08:00

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back.

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs.

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

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More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Leave The Strings Off

2015-10-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

Do you use money to control your children or thinking of using money to control them?
Do you use other means to control them too?

I moved out of my parents' house last year after a communication breakdown with them, and stayed with my grandfather. Occasionally, my grandfather gives me some allowance even though I am already 30 years old. I told him that I was working and had my own money and he would keep it for himself. But he would become angry if I refused. If I didn't accept the money today, he would pester me the next day and the day after next and so on until he finally passed the money to me. I believed he did it because all he wanted was for me to be happy. But whenever disagreements arise, he would use this as a way for me to back down. He would say something like, "I give you money. You don't have the right to say anything."

The same kind of thinking goes for my parents. Because they have spent the time, money and effort to bring me up, they think they "own" me. I wasn't allowed to have my own life, to have my own thinking. If I need to set myself free, they told me I needed to repay them one million dollars, inclusive of interest. There was once I retaliated and I said they could kill me because my insurance policy can pay them half a million dollars if that's what they wanted. After hearing their philosophy, my understanding of my parents is that I am nothing to them but a money making machine. Frankly speaking, I still love them as my parents yet I don't find that I have the same level of respect for them as I was younger. I may not be able to raise one million but I have a lot of focus now to earn money, to redeem myself.

Do you do this kind of thing? Please stop.

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 96: Leave The Strings Off

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Treat Them As Adults

2015-10-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

As I have shared in a previous post, The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String, many parents want their teenage children to grow up and start to behave more responsibly and think more maturely in an adult-like manner but at the end of the day, it is the parents who end up doing the thinking for the children, and some even end up doing homework for them and marking their mock test papers. These same parents also "threaten" to confiscate their children's mobile phones, laptops, and console games and other gadgets if they don't study but will often give in. Such behaviour sends the contradicting signals to the children, and so , when will they start to learn?

My mother's approach towards my upbringing has been very off-handed. She always told me, since I was very little, that my sister and I need to be as independent as possible and as early as possible because she would be working and nobody would be taking care of us, except ourselves. I have been carrying housekeys since 6 years old. I went to a music school by myself since maybe 7 years old to have piano lesson. I went to abacus class by myself when I was 11 or 12 years old. I learned to use the knife and cook (not instant noodles but proper meat and vegetable dishes) since 15 years old. She didn't supervise me on my homework a lot since I was primary one. She always said the future was our individual responsibility. If we wanted to have a better, we should take the initiative to study harder and longer, But if we did not want to have, you could have it your way as well. I chose all the subjects and schools that I went to all by myself as my mother believed in letting us decide what we wanted for ourselves.

Take buying food or eating food as an example.

I always had to help out in buying food for the family for lunch or dinner, and also the groceries. My mother would also let my sister and me serve rice ourselves from the rice cooker. But in the course of tutoring, these teenage children that I tutored often had food bought back by their parents or maids. They also have maids to serve food for them. They also don't need to wash the dishes after eating.

Yes, we are treating these children like adults, or more specifically, "pampered adults".

What's my solution for you?

JUST DO IT!

Just push them, bit by bit.

Remember:

A stone will become a jade only after polishing.

Check out also my post on how Japanese raise independent kids.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 93: Treat them as adults

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's Better To Agree Than To Be Right

2015-10-24T11:30:00.000+08:00

Parents, do you find yourself always wanting to prove to your children that you are right? Even to the extent of insisting you are right when the evidence is pointing to the opposite?

This is your ego.

Where does your ego come from?

There can be many reasons. One of the biggest reasons was what you had experienced when you were young.

After living with my grandfather for more than a year, I can finally understand why my mother acts the way she does. My grandfather is a very stubborn person, always insisting he's right. My dgrandfather is nearly blind. When I told him that the bread he bought had tuned mouldy, he became overwhelmed and told me that "it is not possible for bread to turn mouldy." When I told me I didn't want to hang my clothes out in the balcony to be dried and instead wanted to clothes to be hung indoors, he told me, "I'm stupid and my clothes will NEVER dry." When I told him that the floor was dirty, he told me he had already mopped a while ago and the floor was not dirty. Initially, I used to insist what I said, but nowadays, I just told him, "Up to you. If you don't want to believe my words, it's okay."

I can imagine my mother living with this kind of father, he's always right and the child's always wrong. Their relationship is extremely bad. My relationship with my mother is equally bad as my had knowingly or unknowingly taken on her father's persona.

So ask yourself, if it's just a small matter, would it be worth scarring the relationship between you and your child by insisting you are right?

More Links:

Crisis Rule 87: It's better to agree than to be right

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Tell Them What's Going On?

2015-10-24T09:00:00.000+08:00

Six years ago, in 2009, when my younger sister announced her decision to marry to a man I met for the first time, I questioned my mother,

"Why have you agreed to let them get married when the guy has only worked in Singapore for only a few years and have very little CPF to buy a house, is a S-Pass holder who can be asked to go back to his country every two years?"

My mum was very angry about why I didn't want my sister to get married?

She replied, "They have known each other for a very long time. And your sister is very keen and eager to marry him."

"How long have they known each other?"

"1 year."

"You called that 'long'?"

I didn't know that I wasn't being told the whole truth until last year, in 2014. My mum told me that before I saw that guy who was to become my sister's husband, she had already talked with him for hours and she was convinced of his sincerity in marrying my sister. She also assured him that it's okay if he didn't have the money to buy the air tickets and accommodation for his parents to fly here for the wedding dinner as she would pay for all those expenses. It's also okay if he didn't have the money to buy a house yet as she would let him and my sister stay in her master bedroom while she moved to a common bedroom. They could stay as long as they need to save the necessary amount of money for them to buy a flat. They would not need to pay any rental or allowance to my mother.

Only then I understood how that guy was able to marry my sister, despite having no financial means. I have been kept in the dark for years, including my father, who was also not aware of her doings.

In August 2013, I loaned out a rather big sum of money to that guy, my sister's husband. I did it because he had been so insistent and seemed so sincere. He was thanking me a lot and said that he would "forever" remember my kindness and be forever indebted to me. He also asked my sister to come and beg me for money for days. I also did it because I wanted to support my sister, to let her know I did not have ill intention of opposing her marriage and that as her sister, I would support her when she needed help. So I gave.

In February 2014, during Chinese New Year, I shared this my father and he was shocked. He then revealed to me that that guy had also borrowed money from him a few years back. The loan was about four thousands dollars. My father did not charge any interest yet it took him about four months to pay back. My father said he took his money back from my mother and he suspected that it could be money from my mother, not from that guy. It seemed very likely to be so because my mother told my father not to mention that matter anymore to anyone, including me. When I confronted my mother about this matter, she again told me to shut up, saying it's none of my business and I didn't need to know anything. I was feeling unhappy about it because I didn't feel I'm a part of the family. It seemed that there are two factions. One consisting of my father and me and the other made up of my mother, sister and her husband.

Those are just a few instances of how my mother wasn't open to discuss matters that affect everyone in the family. Don't be mistaken. I love my mother. I admire her for her determination in raising me and my sister up. But I am very frustrated about being treated as second-class member in the family. Her decision to keep quiet about important matters alienated me and bred in me a distrust of her.

No matter how hard it is to say, always tell your children the truth. Now, not later.

More Links:

Crisis Rule 85: Tell them what's going on?

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - The Aftershock Can Last FOREVER

2015-10-23T08:00:00.000+08:00

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aftershock_(2010_film)

Many times, when our family members and friends are in some kind of setbacks, we console them and tell them that time will heal. Given enough time, they will gradually forget about whatever the matter that caused them misery in the first place.

For children who have gone through or are going through a difficult period, we think that children do not understand things and will therefore be less emotionally affected by what's going around them and even if they are indeed affected, we often think that they will recover soon. Some of these cases could be parents' divorce and death of a loved one.

Take for example, a friend that I went to the same primary and secondary school with. At 17 years old, I was pursuing A levels at a junior college while she opted for a diploma course at a polytechnic. I went to visit her one day and she told me she had stopped her polytechnic classes for a while as she was going through psychiatric treatment. She needed time and space to recover from her trauma and wasn't fit to continue her studies. What had happened?

It turned out that her father was involved in an illicit affairs and was caught red-handed by her mother. When the news was broken out to her, she was devastated and could not take in the reality. She broke down totally and was admitted to the Institute of Mental Health for psychiatric treatment. She had to take drugs to stabilise her emotions.

I didn't manage to continue to keep in touch with her after that. After graduation from university, I met her on the street and we talked again. She had stopped her studies for at least two years. Her mental condition had stabilised. She was also attending regular pipa lessons with a Chinese pipa teacher. She had also started working part-time. I'm happy with her progress.

However, it did not really seem like the friend whom I knew before that unfortunate incident happened. It was her eyes. They weren't very focused while we were talking. She was also feeling bad about being left so far behind from all of her close friends. If my friend at seventeen years old can be so severely affected by such a family incident, what about young children? Wouldn't they be more vulnerable?

I hope she can read this blog post from somewhere that I sincerely wish that she is making big progress now in her life.

As for me, I will also never forget the emotions that I had experienced during that last two years of my secondary school. My mother was retrenched. Our family had also received a letter from a law firm demanding that they pay their property dues. Otherwise my whole family had to move out within a month or two. My mother was going in and out of job, feeling stressful and taking her frustrations on me. I felt indignant over that kind of treatment and went into a few serious conflicts with her. I will never forget those two years of vulgarities hurled at me. I will also never forget having to tell myself to go to sleep early so that I would not feel again for the rest of the night. After being inspired by so many biographies and autobiographies of great men and women out there, and attending so many motivational classes, I can't forget. It stays with me. Not as much as before, but still the pain is there.

So parents, if your child is going a difficult period in the family, remember to be very sensitive to your child's needs and give them emotional support. I know this is going to be hard for you to do because you are also going through the same ordeal yourself. But remember, after shocks can last forever, or at least for a long time.

More Links:

Crisis Rule 84: The After Shock Can Last Forever

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String

2015-10-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

I tutored many students in Mathematics and Sciences for the past decade and I have seen so many ways that parents supervise their children. This gives me many opportunities to think about parenting and observe what parents are doing.

Many of my students are around the age of 14 to 15. Their parents were all respectful of the tutor and when the students do not do well in tests and examinations, they do not blame the tutor. (Disclaimer: This does not mean I don't do my best to impart all that I know to the students.)

Come examination time, the parents would become very anxious, much more than their children would. The parents would come up with a revision schedule for their children to adhere to. Most of the time, it didn't work because the motivation does not come from within the students.

On one hand, parents would tell their children, "You are a big boy now. You have to learn to think more about your own future. You should learn to organise your time and stick to it." Some also threaten to disconnect the internet and confiscate their mobile phones and laptops.

But on the other hand, parents would do a lot of nagging, telling them what they should do for their future, which contradicted their wishes for their children to think and learn for themselves. Some parents also help their children by doing the work for them, such as by helping them to draw for their artwork. They also didn't really confiscate their gadgets. They might turn off the internet for a few hours or guard over their children's mobiles phones and laptops for a few hours and that's all because these children would demand their phones and laptops back and made lots of noises.

It is understandable why parents behave that they because they love their children and wouldn't want their children to "suffer". Their children are their soft spot, their Achilles' heel. Where to balance the scale would depend on parents' priorities and their will to execute what they say.

Many of the children that I tutor also come from rich family. Their guardian once told me that one of the girls who came to Singapore had come empty-handed because her mother told her that she would get all the necessary items once they arrived in Singapore. Indeed, after touching down in Singapore, they headed to Orchard Road to branded bags, shoes and clothes. The guardian told me that these kids hardly have any financial constraint over how they spend their money and she had a difficult them teaching them the value of money. These children often do not have the motivation to do well in studies too, possibly because they have been so well taken care of.

On the contrary, the world's second richest man Carlos Slim from Mexico had been taught how to personally account for every single cent he received and spent. Many rich people that I read about have this kind of education in their family. This could be a big reason how he had become so wealthy.

In my family, my parents don't really fret about examination results. They still expect good result at the end of the year but during the school year, they don't really Due to that, I was always so anxious about how well I would do because if nobody cared that much, I had to care for myself. So I was very disciplined about studying. For this to happen, fortunately, I belonged to that group of children who cared about studies. For many other children who are not, it might be good to let them fail so that they learn their lessons hard. If they don't even feel anything about it, maybe they have other interests and parents can let their children discover where their true talents are.

If your child wants to be treated like an adult, then show them how they should behave and think like an adult. Tell them that words are cheap and the only way they can prove that they are worthy of being treated like an adult is to act, behave and think like one. Let them know that you want to treat them like an adult by being firm and not giving them to their whims and wishes unnecessarily.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived under my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenager Rule 78: Everything comes with strings

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Yelling Isn't The Only Answer

2015-10-18T13:30:00.000+08:00

It's okay to be angry, both you and your children. More specifically, it's okay to express anger and disapproval but the means to express anger have to be selected. Yelling, shouting and screaming do not solve the issue ALL of the time. They just make matters worse. You know that as well as I do. Moreover, you are telling your children indirectly that it's okay to become verbally abusive when it comes to expressing anger. Guess what? Your children will learn from you and not long after you will realise that peaceful days in the household are getting numbered.

As parents, you have the ability to calm yourself.

Be a role model. Treat your children as young adults and talk things out to straighten out issues.

More Links:

Teenage Rule 77: Yelling isn't the answer

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Give Them A Voice

2015-10-17T13:30:00.000+08:00

Richard Templar, a parenting expert, author of The Rules of Parenting, suggested that as your children become teenagers, get them involved in all kinds of decisions made at home. They will feel more responsible and closer to the family as they can how their decisions affect everyone in the family.

My take is: get them involved as early as you can. Do not belittle your kids. They are great. They are smart. They are perfectly capable. There are kids as young as ten years old running their own businesses. So kids are perfectly able to make good decisions.

Be open-minded

Since you have made the decision to let your children be involved in the decision making process in the family, be open-minded and listen to what they have to say. Only be judgmental and critical towards the end. Don't let this kind of discussions be downgraded into one where you keep saying "You're wrong" to your children. Otherwise, your children will not be interested to participate when they see that their views are not properly evaluated.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenage Rule 73: Give them a voice

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Anti-Favouritism

2015-10-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

Some parenting experts will tell you to keep mum about your favourite child and never speak to anyone about it, except only your spouse.

Although I'm not an expert, my take is: keep mum at first, but at the appropriate time, reveal it to your children. This is from my own experience.

I could not recall the umpteen times my mother had berated me as I grew up. I also did not pay too much attention to how differently she treated my sister. Perhaps I didn't care then. But maybe I thought my sister was still young and so my mother had to be gentle with her.

In recent years, I found my mother was getting harsher on me while still treating my younger sister with the same gentleness. I confronted my mother a few times and all she said was that my sister was different and why I couldn't be more understanding towards my sister.

It was only one or two years ago that my mother finally told me that she cared for my sister more because she was much weaker, mentally and psychologically. But my sister was already a working adult. I just couldn't take her argument any longer.

But I'm thankful. Thankful that my mother had finally been truthful to me, even though it was a painful truth. I am grateful to her for not revealing much earlier, otherwise I might not be able to take as steadily as I could if I had been younger and less matured.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Different Children Need Different Rules

2015-10-15T17:30:00.000+08:00

Each child is unique. Different children have different needs.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach to rules.

I made that mistake too. I was not that smart so I studied very hard. I had a revision schedule every day. I had a strong desire to do well because I wanted to become a university graduate and do my mother proud. I also wanted to get a good job to be financially independent so that I didn't have to burden my parents any longer. I was doing well academically. I thought my younger sister should be similar to me and with some hard work, she can and should do well in school too. I pushed her very hard. Guess what? My attempts to push her in this direction failed miserably. I was very disappointed in her and myself, and she was very stressed as well.

But at a later time, I realised my mistake. I am always amazed at how my sister is able to draw anything from her imagination. She's very creative, only unfortunately the economy in my country does not appreciate her kind of talents. Since then, I have encouraged to keep her passion in this area alive, even if she's working in jobs that's not related to her talent.

But sometimes the same rules must apply across all children if it is the only fair approach.

- Sibling Rule 57, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

What I felt unhappy about was about my mother who kept saying she treated both my sister and me "equally".

Over a long period of time, I found that it wasn't always true. My mother told me she could not scold my sister in front of all other family members because she was different. She was vulnerable and would break down if she had scolded her the way she scolded me. My mother told me because I had a strong character, she had no qualms about reproaching me in front of everybody.

Surely, my mother can have her own justification but it feels terrible from my perspective, from the perspective of a child. Just because I can take it means she has the liberty to hurl verbal abuse at me?

There are times when you need to be unfair. The most important is how much you are asking of each child... ...and whether other children understand and agree.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 57: Different children need different rules

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - NEVER Compare Children With Each Other

2015-10-15T13:00:00.000+08:00

Although my mother did not compare my younger sister and me in a conspicuous way, there were things my mother did that showed her inclination more towards one of us than the other.

For example, when my sister was young and left the home without a word to go to a neighbour's house to play, I was blamed for losing my sister instead of her being irresponsible not to tell the family member where she went.

When my younger sister was in secondary school, like many other teenagers, she was rather rebellious. Since young, my mother has told both my sister and me time after time to inform where we went when we went out ourselves. I always did, because I did not want my mother to worry about where I was. But my sister did not. She would come back home late at night. At that time, we still did not carry a mobile phone. My sister broke the rule.

If I broke any of my mum's rule, I would be severely reprimanded. My mother would bawl out at me in front of all my family members. I understood why she did that. To shame me. As for my sister, all she did was to ask her to go to her bedroom. My mother would then nicely talk to my sister behind closed doors. That's it.

Recently I asked her why. Her explanation was because she knew very well my character could take the kind of public scolding that she lashed out on me but my sister would not be able to take that kind of stress. In other words, my sister had to be dealt with in a gentle way.

My mother not only compared my sister and me. She also compared me with our neighbour's son, but she did not compare my sister with anyone. She compared my education attainment with our neighbour's son (I had a bachelor degree in computer engineer while he had a master degree in education). She compared our jobs (I was a software engineer while he was a teacher). She compared how much we earned. She also compared how much allowance we each gave back to the family.

In the end, I feel suspicious of my mother. Am I really that lousy? Do you really love me as your daughter?

Parents, are you doing these to your children? Maybe what I was feeling then is how your children feel about you now. If you think you are committing such parenting mistakes, it will only do your children good if you can stop what you are doing right now.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 56: Never compare children with each other

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's OK To Be Angry!

2015-10-15T11:30:00.000+08:00

(Source: http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/)

From young, we were told off when we showed anger.

Anger is just one of the ways we express our emotions and having emotions is the most basic thing of being a human.

Not allowing our children to express their anger causes them to bottle up their feelings, and that can lead to emotional issues. They can grow up to be adults who don't know how to express how they feel and this can be damaging in their future relationships with others.

Richard Templar has written this problem very well in his book, The Rules of Parenting:

People who have grown up without rows may not understand that if you [have a] row it can still be alright afterwards. So they're afraid to argue with their partners... ... That means problems aren't aired, resentments build up, feelings are bottled up, and all that stuff we know isn't healthy.

That can partially explain why some of my friends and their friends have family issues. Being brought up in Asian families, they are not allowed to express any deviation in opinions from their parents. They were expected always to obey and be respectful, which meant to always go along with the opinions and recommendations made by parents, even though it might not suit their needs. Thus these led to many invisible conflicts. On the surface, the whole family may seem to be happy. But beneath that lamination, lots of discontent exists arising from the children.

What needs to be managed is the way our children express their anger.

First of all, it should be free of violence. Remember if you had ever thrown things all over the place when you were so angry? We need to constantly remind our children that they must learn to be angry without agressiveness, being abusive or threatening. You must also be able to show your children that you can do it too. Children are always watching you and imitating your behaviour. Beware.

Second, when they are in the middle of their madness, have them talk about their anger. On what basis is their anger justified? They can start the sentence by saying, "I am angry because ..." In this way, they start to understand they can be angry and still have good behaviour.

What's your experience dealing with your angry emotions or angry children?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

078: Right and Wrong Anger Management Methods–And Little Points that Will Bring Peace to Your Home.
http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/

The Rules of Parenting - Apologise If You Got It Wrong

2015-10-15T08:00:00.000+08:00

Parents, always be ready to admit your mistakes when it is very obvious you have made the wrong decision or say something wrong.

For Asian parents, I know it may be hard for you because of 'face' issues. I understand very well because I grew up in such a family.

Nevertheless, it is important.

As a child, I have never felt I was right. I was always wrong. Who was always right? My mother. Even till today, she's still the 'right' person in the family. Never once can she go wrong.

I was wrong when I cooked for her, albeit not meeting her cooking standard.
I was wrong when I pushed hard on my sister to do well in her studies.
I was wrong when I swept the floor but left a few strands of hair.
I was wrong to wash the dishes for her after a meal because I was 'pretentious', to quote my mother.
I was wrong to buy supplements to improve my mother's health, because the supplements, as what my mother said, were meant for ghosts to eat, not for human beings like her to consume.
I was wrong to graduate from university because my mother said because of me, she had less attention for my younger sister and that's why why sister did not make it to university.
I was wrong when I moved out of my parents' house and stayed with my grandfather because my mother did not like her own father.
I was wrong when I opposed to my sister's marriage when after marriage, her husband borrowed money from mother, then father, and then me.

I felt wronged. I I felt indignant. As time passes, this grew to resentment and my eventual ran-away from home.

Till today, my mother has not apologised. I don't think I'll ever hear her 'sorry' because that's the way this household is set up. How can I expect an apology when my mother thinks she owns my life?

But I love my mother. I really want to give her a good life to the best that I can. I hope eventually she can loosen up a bit.

Apologising is not a sign of weakness because it takes courage. Today, if you show that you have a problem apologising to anyone, you will realise that your children will find it difficult to apologies for their own mistakes too. This might affect their social and romantic relationships in future, and even their work life.

A lot of relationship problems stem from ego problem, as Eckhart Tolle puts it. Another word to understand this is humility. I, myself, am sometimes guilty of this too. Many times we forget that we are fallible. We thought we are the smartest, or the most capable person. But no. No human beings are perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. The most important is to learn to apologise immediately when we realise we have upset, hurt, offended or inconvenienced someone. This is an act of humility and is only good if we teach it to our children by example.

Not only we want to raise smart and happy kids, but we want to raise kids with good character and with a sense of humanity.

Download my book to read more about my personal reflections on my family relationships.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61), by Eckhart Tolle

The Rules of Parenting - You Are A Loser If You Do This

2015-10-11T11:30:00.000+08:00

If you lose your temper, you're the loser.

This is Everyday Rule 37 in the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar.

Why will you be seen as a loser by your child?

Because you lost yourself. You have lost control of yourself. Therefore, this tells the child that it's okay to lose temper.

But it may not be easy to control yourself.

It can be done but it takes a lot of practice and discipline.

When you have decided that you will commit, do the following steps:

1. Stop yourself in your track once you start sensing the anger flowing out and walk to another place immediately.

2. Forgive yourself for being on the verge of anger. Forgive your child.

3. Bless yourself and bless your child.

You will find you have a calmer mind, and the relationship will be maintained.

Both you and your child win because of your ability to manage your anger.

Cheers!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter ang or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

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The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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The Rules of Parenting - Focus on the Problem, Not The Person

2015-10-10T17:00:00.000+08:00

Have you been labelling your kids?

I can't imagine any parents who truly love their kids for who they are and yet still utter lots of labels onto their kids.

Have you used these words on your children?

You are naughty.

You are stupid.

You are so rude.

You are so careless.

You are already so big and you cannot organise your stuff?

You are lazy.

You are selfish.

You may think that your child may change once you point out his or her flaws using such strong words but no. On the contrary, you may be reinforcing their negative behaviour because your kids start to live up to the labels you give.

Have you been telling your kids not to do this not to do that?

“Don’t drop the groceries."
“Don’t drive dangerously.”
“Don’t feel bad about your grades.”
“Don’t be nervous about your test.”
“Stop being so rowdy. You’ll knock something down running around like that.”
“Don’t be so noisy while we eat.”
“Quit pestering your brother.”
“Don’t feel bad.”

Instead, whenever your child has done something that is not up to your expectations, tell him or her the facts and how to improve next time. For example, instead of saying "It is rude not to greet uncle", you may want to change it to "It will be polite of you to say hi to uncle". Feel the difference?

Read from the beginning to the end. Then read from the last sentence to the first. Do you sense a complete change in the meaning?

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/103301385175851049/

Change your perspective and you change your words for the better.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

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The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Negative and positive commands
http://www.motherinc.com.au/magazine/kids/kids-education/476-negative-and-positive-commands

The Rules of Parenting - Be Consistent

2015-10-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, I would answer my mum back one day and she'd laugh and tell me she was pleased I could stand up for myself. Next day I could say the same thing and get walloped for it. And there was never any clue to which way she'd go.- Discipline Rule 33: Be consistent, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

This is another excerpt that I can completely relate to. I have written many such incidents in my book as well. Be sure to download it.

One incident was the dish washing incident. If I don't help my mother to wash the dishes after a meal, she would scold me and say I didn't care about the family. But when I decided to help out in washing the dishes, she would scold me again and say I was pretentious and that I was trying to 'pretend' to be nice. That hurts! Since then, I don't really care about doing anything about washing because either way I am going to be wrong. I would rather scolded by my mother for wrongdoing than being scolded for doing right too.

Another one concerned a thirty grand loan I lent to my younger sister who asked me for the loan on behalf of her husband for her husband's investment purpose. I was hesitant about this at first but I wanted to show my mother that I still cared for my younger sister even though I was still against her decision of marrying her China boyfriend. For readers who may not know the background, I am not against her marrying someone from another country. I support my sister to marry anyone who is trustworthy. So in the end, I decided to lent to her. To cut the long story short, in the end, my sister and her husband delayed paying me back by a pre-agreed deadline and I had made a big fuss out of it as I wanted to pressure them to return me as quickly as possible. My mother came into this story and reprimanded me that I was wrong to lend my sister money. I was in a quandary because if I didn't lend her, there was a possibility my mother would scold me again for not supporting my sister. Yet when I finally showed support, I was seen in the wrong again by her.

It was really hard to please my mother. It was only a few months before starting this blog that I decided I have lived enough for my mother. When I do the positive things, I will be scolded. When I go the negative things, I will get scolded too. Which instruction of my mother should I follow? Enough is enough. It's too confusing and complicated. I decided to live for myself and move away from her to stay with my grandfather.

Have you learnt any lessons from my experience?

Hope that from my experience you see the problems of inconsistency and you will strive to be consistent in your words and deeds for your children.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Communicate

2015-10-10T11:30:00.000+08:00

In any relationship, not just parent-child relationship, communication is very very important.
In the communications class that I took while I was attending university, and in those communications training classes that I attended after I started working, communication is defined as a two-way process by which information is exchanged between individuals.

Simple? But not that simple actually.

How do you communicate effectively with your children?
There are two main types of communication: verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbal communication is about the words you use and it makes up only a small part of a person's overall communication mix. In fact, it's only about ten percent. The rest is made of non-verbal communication which consists of tone, eye contact, gestures, body posture,

Appropriate Words
Use neutral and positive words as much as possible. Use praise wisely. Positive words nourish the spirits in children while negative words drains them. Be wise with your words.

Tone
Your tone can either help you to reinforce the message you want to convey to your children or contradict it. If you want to emphasise certain rules, make sure you look at your child in the eye and use a firm tone. A casual tone will contradict the seriousness you want to communicate to your child.

Eye Contact
Always look at your child when you are talking to your child. Sometimes, you can be very busy. But speaking to your child without looking at him or her brings across the message of inattentiveness and also that you are not valuing your child.

Gesture
When my mother is angry, she will stretch out her index finger and wave it up and down in front of me for every word she's yelling, to emphasise each word. I felt so disrespected and humiliated. Especially when she started each sentence with 'you', she would point her finger squarely at me. If she's fuming mad, which could also become physical and use her finger to press hard on my head, so that I looked at the ground instead of staring at her. Fortunately she did not go to the extent of using her middle finger. Can you learn any lesson from my experience?

Body Posture
If you have a young child or young teenager, make sure you sit in a proper manner. Your children are always imitating you, including the way you sit and stand. Proper spinal development is essential for general good health and physical development of children. I have seen so many cases where children and young teenagers develop curved spine. Some had to undergo surgery while others need external support to adjust their spine to a healthy curvature.

Cheers to better communication!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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The Rules of Parenting - Moods Are Catching

2015-10-10T09:00:00.000+08:00

Source: Clipartsheep

Have you noticed?

When you feel angry, your children will feel angry angry.
When you are feel worried, your children feel dispirited too.
When you are nonchalant about family matters, your children gradually stay away from you.
When you threaten them, they threaten you back.

On the other hand, when the feelings that you exhibit are positive, have you noticed beautiful things start to happen?

When you smile, your children feel happy with you.
When you praise, your children start to do the things you want them to do on their own initiative, without the need for you to nag at them.
When you are forgiving, your children are sweeter and less bitter.

When you find your child unable to handle their emotions maturely, maybe the first thing to do is not to punish them, but to first ask yourself whether you are able to handle your emotions maturely in the first place.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar