Reincarnation Of A Dead Man

2014-02-11T12:05:00.000+05:30

Hi,
I'm not a professional blogger. So you may find a lot of drawbacks in this blog. Please pay no attention to my mistakes.

I've been working as a nurse in my hometown. Hospital- its the HELL ON EARTH right? Absolutely. Because we never go there to rejoice or celebrate. All are either aching or witnessing others' ache. So its quite dreadful. In the early days of my job orientation, I was so devastated to see all the pain and sorrows suffered by others. It took me so long to churn my heart to what it is right now. From my very limited experience I realized one thing, every illness; acute or chronic, severe or minor is a curse indeed in a way or another. But three most terrible disease conditions among them are Cancer and Liver and Kidney diseases. Because the victims of these diseases die very slowly, suffering the maximum level of pain. Though other conditions like Heart attack and Cardiac arrest are life threatening, their results are comparatively instant- "death or recovery." The earlier ones slowly suck the life, peace and wealth of the patient and his family. Ain't it sad?

My area of work is in the dialysis unit. You all know that its for those unlucky friends who's kidneys no longer work for them. When I was in the college, we had to learn about dialysis. But I hadn't realized how heart touching and painful it is until I got a job in this field. The patients live the life of corps. I mean, they do it to prolong their days, but never to live for ever or to get cured. We can read their emotions on their face and we'll see them silently telling us, "Please kill me. That's the best favour you can ever do for me." No-one can blame them because they only suffer everything throughout the procedure, not the nurse or technician. The pain starts with a needle prick. Some develop complications like shivering, fever, hypotension, nausea and vomiting. As far as I've known from patients, the muscle cramps are the worst. They'll scream aloud cursing their own fate. After going back home also, most of them say that they lack energy for their daily activities. HUH! I forgot to mention one of the most serious concern of the kidney patients. Money.... Money rules the world right? So who will be pleased to spend huge amount of money for such a thing that doesn't yield any pleasure. In India, the average expense for a single dialysis is as follows, Dialyzer(Artificial kidney)-850Rupees, Blood tubings-200Rs, Procedure Charge-800Rs, Erythropoietin Injection for anemia-500 to 1250Rs. So the total expense always crosses at least 2400-3100 Indian Rupees. How can a middle class Indian family afford this? Sometimes its better not to think all these things.

Well I've just begun my blog about Dialysis. In the coming days I'll explain what is dialysis, its indications, procedure, complication and management and everything else. You should add your comments and suggestions to improve my blog. Thanks for reading....

A Suicide Note....

2014-02-09T15:02:00.000+05:30

His body was hanging on the ceiling. In a corner of that room, his younger sister Jenny was sitting with a paper in her hand. Her face had no any expression, just like a mask. His mother hasn't still gained consciousness. Laiza, his elder sister was the one who called the neighbors for help. Did I forget to tell who is he? His name is Vince, a 26years old young man. No one would have expected that he'll take his own life like this. He always seemed pleasant. But his family members and his best friends were knowing that he was not that happy.

There were hundreds of people waiting in front of the house when his body was brought after autopsy. His corpse was buried in his own compound as his wish. He was not religious that he didn't want his body to be buried in the cemetery. Two days later his funeral, a tall, well built guy came to his house. He looked apprehensive as if he was not sure if that was the house he was looking for. Vince's father came out and took him in without speaking anything. "Tony, you came?" Vince's cousin Christopher said. Chris took him to the room where Vince's mom and sisters were laying. "Tony, I had expected you for his funeral.", Jenny said. "I'm really sorry Jenny. I....." "It's OK, come with me." Jenny took him upstairs where her brother used to sleep. He chose the same room to hang himself to death. They both stood there silently for some time. Jenny was staring at the ceiling fan that took his life. Still her face was expressionless. May be she might've known that it was the best and only way for him to be free from all the pain and sorrows.

After a period of silence, she opened a shelf and took out a letter. "It is Vincent's suicide note. I believe we all should read this. You are mentioned in the note." Tony unfolded the letter with his frozen hands. He sat over the bed where he had slept many times with Vince. Tony was his best friend and he used to stay with that family occasionally. He was always welcomed as the whole family had considered him as one among them. Vincent and Tony were like brothers. The letter was written in a shabby manner as usual. That's the style of Vince. He started to read the letter.

"Dear Mommy, Papa, Jenny, Laiza and Tony....
I'm sorry. I know that you're really hurt by what I've done. But please forgive me. I've tried my level best to make you all happy. That's why this day came so late. Otherwise I would've done it long back. I had so many secrets in my life. I hid many of them fearing that you all will be upset. You all know that my health was not so good and I was taking some medicines for many years. Those medicines have finally killed my liver and kidneys. They were diagnosed a couple of months back, but I had no guts to tell you about that. Because, I know I'm 26 and it's time for me to take care of my family. Till now I haven't done anything good for you. Though I was trying all the time, I never got a well paid job. Sorry papa, your son was so unlucky that he couldn't fulfill any of your (his too) dreams. I always wanted to build a large bungalow and make you and Mommy live like King and Queen. But I failed... It's then I got diagnosed with new diseases. I had always feared of them and they really came to take my life. If had told you about this, you would've taken me everywhere to try my luck. Papa I didn't want you to spend your wealth for me anymore. Please spend them for Jenny's education. She's the one I love the most in this world. Not only that, your money can never spare me from impending death anyway. I received my provident fund last month and it is still in my account. My ATM card is in the wallet. You'll find 4 cards but use the red one, Axis Bank card. The password is 3951. I don't know how much money will be there, but that's all I have. LOVE YOU PAPA.... And I'm sorry that I could never be a good son....

Mommy, I know you must be crying. And even if I tell, you can't stop. So that's OK... But please get out of it as soon as possible. Our family needs you. My salary was always low. I always dreamt of buying gold and beautiful attires for you. But I couldn't do any of them. Sorry mommy... I LOVE YOU....

Laiza, You are my only relief. Being very bold, I'm sure that you'll run our family. Finish your studies successfully. Take care of my naughty nephews and niece. Never make them feel that they don't have a father. I couldn't do anything for your kids. LOVE YOU AND KIDS...

Jenny, you naughty girl. Only I know how I could commit suicide even after thinking of you. It was very hard for me dear. You were the best sister in the world, and I was very lucky to have you in my life. It was my dream to see you getting married to a handsome boy and spending a century together. You were always obedient to me, and I'm sure that you'll never forget my words. You always wanted to open a Facebook account right? Your hasn't come yet, but now I agree. You can take my laptop. Now it's yours my baby... But be careful always, never believe strangers and be alert all the time. Your priority should be for your studies. I don't mind even if you don't get high marks, but get something that is not so bad. And your education should help you find a well paid job. Don't be like this brother. I'll miss you my sweet angel. Sorry dear I had to escape from this world. I'm very tired.... LOVE YOU.....

Tony, Your best friend is dead now. But please do visit my house as usual. There's no difference between you and I. You can always use my bed to sleep. My parents will always treat you like their own son. Though it was a joke, once I had promised you to present a Harley Davidson for your wedding. Sorry that can't be there on your wedding day. And right now I don't have the money to get you a Harley Davidson motorcycle. So you can take my Bajaj CT100. I know even 10 Bajaj motorcycles cannot substitute the cost of one HD. But that's all I have my dear brother. Jenny will give you the key. Take it home with you.... And how's you girlfriend Tina? Don't be so rude to her and show her some love, you jackass. I know that you love me very much, but I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME.

I wish to tell one more thing, I don't know if god exists. Even if god is true, I believe he never loved me. That's why all these things happened in my life. The truth is, "I had never wished to die." So please don't bury me in the cemetery. Let me rest in our backyard just beside the pond.

ONCE AGAIN GOODBYE TO ALL..... LOVE YOU....." (End of the letter)

"Jenny please let me spend some time here alone." Jenny walked away letting Tony breath the dusty air in Vince's room. Tony turned everywhere and gazed at Vince's picture on the wall for a while. Tony felt that he never loved Vince sincerely that he didn't want to open up about his sorrows to Tony. "Oh man.... I'm sorry that I made you feel alone all the time. It's all my fault that I never gave you a chance to speak your mind. I always pretended to be busy. Why did you love me so much boy? What is so special in me that you were always there for me? But look, what I've done. I should've felt the pain in your words and silence. And I should've listened to you patiently. I was very ungrateful and selfish. And it's too late for me to make up. I didn't even come to give you the last farewell. I wish I had the power to bring you back my pal. Definitely, this is the biggest punishment you could ever give me. But you've also punished your sweet family. Without you, how can I come here? I'll go insane if I don't have you around when I'm in this room. But I'll come... If that is a compensation that I can do, let it be... I'll take care of your family."

Tony took a red colored shirt that Vince loved the most. "Jenny, I'm taking this shirt with me. It has his smell. I'll never wash it." A few tear drops rolled down from Jenny's eyes and she happily wrapped it for him without telling a word. She also ran upstairs and came back with Vince's motorcycle key. "Vince never used to give his motorcycle to anybody. Now it's yours."

Tony waved goodbye to Jenny and drove the bike away. Jenny watched him disappearing far away. Tony was thinking of Vince all the time. His mind was full of guilt and love for his lost best friend. Suddenly he felt something on his back. He had a strange feeling like two invisible hands cuddling him from behind. He saw Vince's face in the mirror. He turned back but saw nothing. But he heard Vince whispering in his left ear, "Don't worry my friend. You were always nice to me. You were the best...." Tony started to weep as he drove the bike. Everybody on the street stared at him thinking what happened. But Tony was not caring anything. His mind was filled with the memories of his dear friend, the one who loved him the most....

WHEN I GOT OLD....

2013-06-27T13:56:00.000+05:30

I hate growing older. Not in the fear of getting wrinkles and grey hair....
As a small boy I always used to sleep cuddling my.mom. No matter how hot the weather was. I felt so warm and safe like a chic under his mother hen. But my mom made me sleep separately as she got pregnant with my sister, fearing that I would harm her unborn daughter when I place my legs on her tummy. I know that she was right. And a few months later, my sis came out to give me the best days of my life. As she turned a few months old, I became more close to her and she started to sleep with me only. Mostly she was sleeping on my chest. I felt like a 14years old father while caressing her.... :-D Nearly for five years we were the same, but as we both grew older I felt that it's time to keep a small physical distance. As a small girl she didn't know why i was trying to keep her away. I hope now she may be knowing...
As she moved, I started being alone. I wrapped my arms around pillows. I don't know how many of you are like me, but I'm sure that you can guess how sweet it is if you are one among....

Quote 4

2013-03-30T00:27:00.001+05:30

It's pretty easy to get a place in one's bed, but not in the heart....

Quote 3

2013-03-14T23:43:00.001+05:30

An honest smile with a tight hug can melt the snow...

Quote 2

2013-02-27T22:17:00.001+05:30

It's easy to say not to expect anything from others. But hope is the force that pushes me forward. I'd die without it...

Quote: 1

2013-02-06T00:56:00.000+05:30

It’s not that easy to love everyone around you unconditionally. But the hardest thing is to hate someone that you once loved seriously.

A Post Without Title....

2012-11-25T16:51:00.004+05:30

Evenings in Goa are quite cool. Especially towards the year end. Goans are absolutely carefree and fun loving. If you're not phobic to snakes and dogs, you can roam 'round here even after midnight. I'd gone to Panaji, where the film festival is going on. Though the screens were not open for the public, the streets were fully lit and beautiful as heaven. The live band was not that impressive as the mixing was very poor.
But I also witnessed a different sight. It was the two extremes of the world around a table. On one side, I saw a high profile young couple taking sips of premium beer and so many dishes evena group of 10 people cannot finish. Just behind them, I was a homeless mother and her four children. The eldest one was around 8 and I assume, the other three may be 1, 2 and 3 but damn sure, not more than that. As soon as the couple left the table, the mother ran to the table and fed the children with the remaining food. I know it's not an unusual thing here in India but reminded me the fact that this world is only for the rich. Poor people like them are only supposed to watch them enviously.

Desperate souls(running after life)

2012-08-05T21:27:00.005+05:30

I was hurt so deeply last day... Not by any person but some bad news. I was helpless, all that I could do was to pray. But my prayers were in vain.
I have seen so many people dying in my hospital, but experiences make our heart stronger and we(at least in my case) forget them easily. It's not because medical professionals are not kind, but because we aren't supposed to be emotionally nondetachable with ANY patient and waste the remaining productive time grieving on their loss. Yet some memories do haunt us. I had two patients from Karnataka, one was a 25years old handsome boy and the other was a lady who was 'round 28years; they were siblings. They both were kidney patients and undergoing dialysis in our unit. They came to Kerala for some Ayurvedic treatments with the dream of getting cured. Savitha- the elder sister was very weak. Besides, her liver also was failed resulting in an abnormally large abdomen. Even after several months of ayurvedic treatment, there wasn't any progress in their condition. They both decided to return to Karnataka so that Savitha could live with her 10years old twin children. Their plan was to return last day(Aug 4) by train at 5pm. But a few hours before the train time, Savitha developed some breathing difficulty and was hospitalized at Thrissur heart hospital; she died within an hour...

I remember Samarth(the brother) telling me a fortnight ago that they were planning go back to their hometown. Though we all(the staff) were worried about his sister's health, we thought that she'd be living for some more months and we wanted her to die happily after seeing her kids. I felt so weird about their story. As I told before, all the three siblings(Samarth, Savitha and their eldest brother) at their house were having the same illness- Chronic Kidney Failure. I put myself in their shoes and realized how terrible their life is. Their family was having so many financial constraints and were abandoned by their cruel, f***ing father. I prayed so much; not to do miracles curing their illness, but to let them reach there safely and spend remaining life with their children. But they lost.... between the lip and cup. Honestly, such stories arise questions about the existence of god in my mind. I'm sorry god....

2012-06-08T19:08:00.001+05:30

Had you read my old blog, "When Love Bites...?" That one was born when i was doing my UG. In fact it was written for our college magazine named 'Zealous 2007' and it really brought me quite a huge recognition among the poetry lovers in my college. Some of them came and applauded me while others didn't hesitate to ask me with exclamation whether it was a plagiarized one. Both these groups made me happy as they confessed that it was touching and unexpected from me.

(English) Salma sultana: "Namaskaar. Ye he Doordarshan Samaachaar aur me hoom Salma Sultana..."

2012-06-08T18:28:00.002+05:30

Do you remember this beautiful lady?
Years ago, ago means the time before the introduction of the present cable and satellite channels, DOORDARSHAN was everything to most of the Indians including me. I occasionally try to find some time tell my younger sister Azin(who’s 13years junior to me) about the old days I had (it's a sad fact that she doesn't seem to be caring or enjoying most of the stories I tell...) She's a crazy viewer of the contemporary prime time hindi serials especially those are being telecast in Star networks. She can't even imagine the time when the television programmes were played only at particular times of the day and completely stopped after midnight. Cartoons were not that common. But children were happy with their heroes like Shakthiman. Chithrahaar was the only hindi musical programme at the very beginning. News was shown quite frequently and the most annoying one was the News for those with impaired speech and hearing. At times I found it funny too. According to me, during those days there was nothing more boring for a kid than watching a doordarshan News. Because the break was very short and they kept on talking about the politics all the time. Most of them looked aesthetically challenged to me. But there was an exception. Yeah, SALMA SULTANA, the heroine of this story who dominated the News reader’s chair till late 90s. I know it’s ridiculous to tell you why I felt something special about her. I put the blame on my childhood brain, ‘A FACTORY OF UNLIMITED NONSENSE. ‘I was that crazy little boy who was very obsessed with my parents’ wedding album. My mom looked so similar to Salma(again I put the blame on my tiny 50grams brain. LOL! It’s an anticipatory bail because none of u may feel the same about her. Besides, my mom is in her late 40s now and she’s looking older with the eyes sunken) I had already told that as a child there was nothing worse for me than watching News, but whenever Salma was the reader I was in a mood to enjoy it. I saw my mom’s face instead of her. Salma was also similar to my grandma (once agin I put the blame on my little turned off brain. But she was more similar to my granny than my mom. You may appreciate that) She was a candy to my eyes that she always presented herself well dressed and keeping a rose flower in her free silky hair. Though I didn’t understand a single word she read, I gazed as if I knew everything.
Her face was almost deleted from my CPU, but today I remembered her for a reason. I was searching for a song by Salma Agha, an old pop singer of the past, in the youtube. In between its autofill system showed me the name Salma Sultana. Something ignited my mind, “I’ve heard that name somewhere.” But I couldn’t recollect anything. So finally I searched in Youtube itself and realized that there were still some old files in the recycle bin of my brain awaiting permanent removal. Suddenly I restored it because those are the memories about the best days of my life. It’s so funny to be a lil’ bit nostalgic. Oh my god! I was just searching for a Youtube video and see where I’ve reached now!!!!!

WATCH SALMA SULTANA VIDEO:

A recent interview with Salma Sultana. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L148mipv3_Q&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL111F75243A0FD361
The news read by Salma sultana on the day if vIndira Gandhi assassination- http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DyH2_JnPG_FY&h=TAQHNirmPAQE94X6FTP8x99E2P3dLyAu31MZTsJXr-E7Hyg

WHEN LOVE BITES...

2011-12-06T22:33:00.000+05:30

Who said 'love is sweet'?
I bet- it's a long clawed ghoul
that creeps in the dark in search of blood.
I'd rather slap a poet
who praises the fragrance of love.
I've seen so many faces of love,
one looks like my mother.
That love gave me nothing-
other than this weird, rotten life.
She might be dead or a cold blooded slut,
I don't know why she left me in the street.
I don't remember even a single moment-
that I slept with my mother.
I was thrown to the frozen ground,
when I needed her warmth.
I gasped air instead of sucking her breast and
cried all the time to satiate my hunger.
I was soaked in the heavy rain
like a bale of wool.
Tell me how I have to thank her
for the love she gave me.

Like a kite in the endless sky,
I ran amok throughout my life.
Amidst I built a shelter
to spare myself from the rainstorm.
I was just beginning to dream a new life,
then I found love as my friend.
I emptied my pocket that I filled by-
shedding blood and sweat to get wine for them.
Nomore, my empty wallet could attract my chums
and they drove me away like a filthy stray dog.
I knelt before their boots, but they
trampled my hands and kicked me at back.
Me- the worthless pile of dung-
found myself lonely and blue in the world.
Tell me how I have to thank them
for the love they gave me.

Love came again as "Gwen"; my ex,
to whom I gave everything I owned.
I was a big cipher in wealth and romance,
that I didn't even know how to flirt with a girl.
No wonder... She ran away with another man-
leaving me wistful and sleepless nights.
Tell me how I have to thank her
for the love she gave me.

Still love is haunting me-
trying to corrupt my soul and turn me down.
How can I love 'LOVE' in this way?
Why should I bear this cross again?
I don't wanna drag myself
to trouble and pain anymore.
I've learnt to tame this monster.
Or is it sort of exodus?
Now I can breath freely
and sleep at night like others.
I feel the cool zephyr that waves 'round-
taking away the heat inside of me.
My heart keeps on beating,
sown with the seeds of loath....

Bitter Facts And Hidden Tears...

2011-11-24T19:23:00.002+05:30

If there's a hell on earth, it must be a hospital. Wherever we go, we find sad faces only. Being a nurse also, it took me too long to realize that. It's quite a dreadful experience to be there... Now i hate this profession.
On July 18th, I was going to my university to get my degree certificate. I had been travelling for more than 6hours in bus and I had only half an hour left to reach there. Then i got a call from my cousin, who is a cardiologist. He asked me to come back to home with my elder sister as my father had a serious Myocardial infarction. We reached the hospital; by that time he had undergone angioplasty. His doc said that his heart was not in a condition to undergo a consecutive angioplasty to correct his second block. So we had to wait for another 7days. But a more serious bad luck came to us in the form of a 'not so common' illness called Intususception; which means a part of the large intestine withdraws through itself like a telescope. It happened to my 4months old nephew who suddenly developed bleeding through his rectum. He underwent an emergency surgery within a couple of hours. We were hopeful that my father would surely recover and retrieve his old normal life. But we just shattered down to witness my nephew's condition. We are not that rich. Yet we're ready to spend as much as money needed but the thing is, they both should be safe. I was about to go to England for my higher studies, I cancelled everything. My mind freaked out like a volcano at first and just felt emotionally frozen later. For God's grace everything got settled in a few weeks. Was everything over? I hoped yes; but it was not...

Yesterday, 24th November, my mother went for a medical check up. After work, I was welcomed by an unpleasant surprise; my mother has a troubled kidney. Her illness is known as Hydronephrosis, a condition which would worsen to Kidney failure if left neglected for a long time. She said she had been suffering from a dull flank pain for more than 4months. I bursted out at my poor mother instead of consoling her. But I had my excuse because, being a nurse working in the dialysis unit, I know how hard it is to live with a troubled kidney. The dialysis should be done twice or thrice weekly and the patients will develop a number of serious complications like cardiac arrest and Hepatitis. I don't want my mother to end up like that. I cried and cried alone in my room like a child. I imagined her undergoing dialysis in my own unit and saw her writhing with pain and sorrow in the bed. I even planned to kill her by injecting something if her kidneys are really in trouble. Because I don't want my mother to suffer all those things and end up regretting at her misfortunes. PLEASE GOD STOP TESTING US. Take my life if you want but leave her and my family. Let them leave peacefully. Even if I die, I cannot die peacefully because my parents have got old now and I'm the one to bring up my 12years old sister. I'm doing my visa processing to go to Dublin for work. I wish if my family could see me earning enough money for them. Then I want to find a good partner for my younger sister. Then look after my parents till their end and be a perfect son. I cannot fulfil any of these wishes if I die earlier. But if I can save my mother losing my own life, I'm ready to sacrifice that.

I feel so sorry for my parents. They brought me up very hopefully, giving good education. But I couldn't make them happy by getting a satisfactory profession according to my educational qualification. We were hoping that I'd go to Dublin in a few months and everything would come to a good ending. But see what's happening. Are we losing again between cup and lips????

True Confessions.

2011-05-18T00:58:00.001+05:30

I never tried so hard to make a lot of friends. Though not so huge, i became the centre of a friend-circle automatically. At times we fought each other. There are also times i humiliated them. I didn't know that their eyes were watching me when i walked away from them. But i must confess that i had nothing other than my best friends in the worst moments in my life. I hope that i'll never miss you untill there are mobile phones, emails, facebook and orkut. Love you...

BACK TO THE PAST...

2011-04-04T01:30:00.003+05:30

Now the time is 12.37am in my watch. Once again I'm back in Kasargod where I completed my degree. At present I'm at the top of my old hostel where I spent my miserable college days. The silent starry night is blowing cool breeze. What i can hear now is only the howling of the stray dogs. And occasionally a very few vehicles passing by along the road in front. I'm here to get some of my certificates from my college. And this is where i planned to stay on these 2 or 3 days. My friend Jaseem who's here with me is a dormant corpse who never wants to get up from bed. So he went down to sleep in spite of my coercion to sit with me talking something. I let him go but i can't go that easily because, it took me back to those lonely, terrible and stressful days i had. I used to spend my free time on the top, viewing the landscape of this rural area. (I had mentioned it in my older posts.) The cool wind brought the images of that time and my friends and foes as a movie. Even though my life in college wasn't that zealous, it's really an unexplainable feeling when nose diving in the waves of memories. I wonder why people like Jaseem can't enjoy the memories like i do! In a way or another, even bad situations that a person comes to face in his life can influence him positively. I mean, my previous life that i overcame had hurt me a lot. But it instilled creativity and imaginations in to my fallow heart. Hence i could write a lot in my blogs and college magazines. Moreover, now i feel so proud that i could successfully persevere and tide over everything that even challenged my existance. Most of my nights were sleepless and the other nights i slept using tranquilizers. And the days were drowsy and lethargic. I took a very long time for to quite using hypnotics until i was admitted in the hospital with drug over dose. These are my friends that i loved the most in my college life- Ajay, Shafik, Abeez, Haseem, Jaseem, Anoop, Favas, Jithin and Shyma. All are special in different ways. Ajay was the best of my best friends. When i compared my life and problems against his, i realized how blessed i am! He and Jitin are my confidants. Shafik always had a bold attitude towards life and he always wanted to defy it. He was a good supporter of mine but unfortunately i was too late to realize his value. Abeez and Anoop taught me how to share the problems with friends and it's after that life became easier for me. Jaseem and Favas were the typical diplomats i've seen here. They were very easy in dealing people and i had a great admiration for their character. They had no enemies here. Shyma is the female version of Ajay in every way:-) A girl weighing my double in size as well as wise thoughts. Love her... "Shyma, wish you a happy married life dear." It may be my last visit in this college. Why should i come here if there's no one left that i love? Even if i visit, can i ever sit here again on the top of this hostel? I guess not... What if i could always live with these valuable friends? I know it's impossible. We'll be planted to different soils of the world. No more living together... But god, wherever they go, please give them the best and colour their lives into exotic pictures. Colour my life too... Make them think of me too as i always do. Amen.

I feel myself that this is the most heartfelt, raw, unprepared, instant and unexpected blog that i've posted in the recent time. I'm feeling so cathartic. Now the time is a quarter to 2am. Thanks if you read it completely:-)

A disappointing day....

2011-03-07T17:13:00.000+05:30

My sister is admitted in the hospital for her delivery. It's her second pregnancy, she carries twins this time. But I'm not with her as I'm in my college to get my certificates. But my principal- an old empty sack has denied the issue. I'm desperate. I'll have to wait until May. My time is running away. I'm going to appear for my IELTS exam in a few weeks.... But this delay will affect me so much...

MY SECRET ROMANCE.

2011-01-21T01:00:00.002+05:30

This girl is very beautiful. But she thinks that she's ugly. I love her smile and curves a lot. So many times i've given clues that i'm wishing to be someone special for her. But she always ignores me as if she's in love with someone else. I wonder how instantly i forgot others, my parents, my siblings and my friends. But everything's waste when she's unable to love me in return. Once when i proposed her secretly, she replied me that she's in love with a stranger. She's happier when she's with him but dumb when with me. Being distressed when near me makes me more sad. I wanted her or me to change. But we both didn't. This is not an ordinary blog. Because it's something that i wanted to tell the whole world but i don't dare. I hid it even from my best friend. And i'm sure that these readers never know me so that i can tell anything. FUCK YOU MUNNA. You're a jerk. Stop....

CUTS AND PATCH UPS IN LIFE...

2010-11-29T20:42:00.001+05:30

(The names mentioned here are not real)
When I was studying in my college, that is not so long ago, I was known best as a doodler. I was in a state of terrible emotional breakdown due to peer isolations and loneliness. I scribbled my feelings poetically on the walls of my hostel room.Some of them were the lyrics of my favourite sad songs while others were my own creations. One of them was written in just two lines- "TO LOVE IS MY INSTINCT. BUT TO BE LOVED HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY AMBITION." I don't remember the situation that made me write these lines. Anyway, his ambition remained unfulfilled for a very very very long time. I was feeling myself as writer or a poet. No obligation to others to appreciate my thoughts and feelings.
The usual subject in my writings was my failure in building and maintaining relationships. No matter friendship or romance... Both of these words were so sweet yet forbidden fruits to me. But one thing I could realize that I cared for my friends than my girlfriends.
My first romance was with a girl called Mariya Luxy(not real name) who was a christian. We both were best friends and she hid the fact that she was loving me secretly until we were separated after high school. By the time she expressed her love, I had to run to the northern end of my state to join my college. Anyway our phone calls made us closer. But anticipating the risks and difficulties of an intercaste marriage, we put curtain to our relationship saying promising each other that we'll always be good friends. But our break up had shook our relationship from the base that we even stopped calling each other. Thus romance killed our friendship. Now I don't know where she is and what she is doing.

The next girl I loved was in another nursing college near to ours. We had our clinical practicing together in Headquarters hospital.We became friends and then exchanged mobile numbers. She started sending me expensive gifts. We both were attracted to each other and it was obvionus. But we never told I LOVE YOU, waiting for the other to initiate first. That love story remained untold and due to some other reasons, we had to put a full stop to that relationship also.
Oh I forgot to tell about Soni(not real name) whom I had a crush into. She couldn't find a lover In me and she became romantically involved with my room mate instead. LOL!!!!

The one who loved and hurt me the most was my best friend Amal(not real name). I think he's the luckiest friend in this world to have a pal like me. I'm not joking. I've never loved any of my frinds like I loved him. During the first days of our college, we were not much close though all his roommates were very friendlky to me. He was a guy more than six feet and weighing 85-90kg, a well muscled steel body with a taste for good humour. All we had between us were just silent smiles.It took many months for us to become close friends, when I was in the claws of depression and no-one wanted to listen to me. All my friends including this stupid guy abandoned me for some stupid reasons. Though I was very desperate, I didn't express my heartache. I spent time sitting alone on the top of our building, letting my eyes graze in the beauty of the nature and feeling the cool breeze patting me gently.

An evening, I was sitting on the top as usual. Then I saw him coming. That time he had a pleasant look towards me. He smiled and I smiled to him back and then turned my head and burried my eyes in the green blkanket of that underdeveloped village. At times I turned my head and saw him doing excercise. He was the strongest ant most fit boy in our college. Sometimes we all envied on his exquisitely toned body. I carried on pondering about my own life, which was an uninteresting drama to me. Suddenly a gentle and friendly hit came on my back that woke me up from my stupid imaginations. What is this? I couln't believe my eyes. its him! With a sweet smile... I think he has the most attractive smile in our college (but only behind me hahaha...) But totally I can't say that he was very handsome. He asked me, "what happened? I thought, replying to that question was worthless than my own life because everybody knows that I;m not ok. Yet I wanted to show others that I'm strong and no-one can make me feel sad. So I kept quiet. But he seemed determined to make me speak out. "Why don't you spend some time with others? Its more than several weeks since you came to our room. This is the reason people don't loive you." This raised my anger and I said, "Do you know why I'm questioned and hated by all the boys in this hostel? You guys including my best frieds believed that I'm spying the boys hostel news to the girls. But do you know who are the real spies? You may not, but I do.It was in their interest I was surrounded by all the boys and asked for the explanation. Even you were seeing me as an enemy. I wonder what made you talk to me today." He had no words to defend me but I was opening up like a book. I could read the guilt and confession on that face. I was feeling cathartic after a verey long time. He came closer and hugged me saying, "Everythings gonna be ok. Now onwards I'm your friend and everybody else also will be your friend. I promise." I was feeling paralyzed. He was very sweaty after heavy exercise and I got wet in his perspiration. But I didn't resist him because I already told you that I WAS PARALYZED and I got a great respet and fondness for his personality. Usually I don't entertain others touch or sit near me when they are sweaty.But again and again I'm saying that I was paralyzed.
Next day onwards there was a change in everybody’s behaviour. It made me wonder when my classmates started talking to me again. One of them told me that Amal told them everything I had said and all are feeling guilty. My eyes became wet with joy. That evening I went to his room after a long time. He smiled at me saying nothing. I walked towards him, put my arms around his shoulder and asked, “Why you had to speak for me?” “Because I thought its time to make others understand”, he replied. With words I was unable to express my gratitude. But I left him with a thankful smile.
I chose him as my best friend whereas I was just one among his all ordinary friends. But I had no right to blame him because he already had numerous friends who were more frivolous and active than me and he was a very witty person with a vast connection with people. No wonder I was not much close to his heart. But he was a rope to me when I was sinking into deep loneliness, and a window that brought light into my dark life. I was beginning to change and resume a happy life. As a friend I was very possessive about him that I didn’t like him talking to those I hate. Months passed away. Our relationship continued in the same way. Sometimes I was very jealous towards his best friends. Once he revealed me that some of best friends don’t like our friendship. Though I wished to be his best friend, I realized that its never gonna happen in this life. But I couldn’t consider anybody else more precious than him.
Here comes the bad turn, our management decided to hike our hostel rent. Most of the boys including me planned to move out. Amal spoke to me as if he was planning to take me with his group. But at the end he moved out without me. I was not ready to believe his lame excuses. Still I don’t know what made him go away from me. Everybody asked me why I didn’t go with him; I don’t remember how I managed to answer those questions those days. I was ashamed to tell the truth.
After this incident we stopped talking or even looking at one another. My heart was loaded with frustration. It was the first and the longest crack in our 5year friendship. It lasted for about one and a half year. I was again falling into the deep mouth of mental depression. He was my only friend that I talked about all my happiness as well as sorrows. In short, my mentor at that time. But when he walked away from me, I just lost my mind. There are friends who share happiness and sometimes even breakup in this world. But they manage themselves to live but can’t and don’t know why. Who am I and who is he to me? When I went to my counselor with this problem, he asked me, “Are you both gays?” I was shocked. “NO!” I answered instantly and my voice was strong. First of all I’m purely straight and not a gay at all. Not even bisexual. Even if I am, how can I fuck someone like my own brother? I believe that gays are just animals who don’t have any sincerity and love. All they want to do is to fuck.. Fuck and fuck and fuck all the time. I never had sex with a man then how can I with him? I’ve never felt any appeal in him but I’m sure that he’s very fit and handsome. He always used to gaze in the mirror saying, “I’m using so many fairness creams, yet I'm not getting fairer. Why?” I’ll then just smile and tell him that he’s one among the top10 boys in our class. He won’t believe me but I really mean it. Well I think I’m going away from the point. My clinical psychologist apologized me saying that these kinds of mental tensions are common among homos and he thought that we might have indulged in such things. But one thing I’m sure that this particular psychologist was very sophisticated and wise. Under his treatment, I could reinforce myself and gain the strength to control my emotions and I changed a lot. I was born again. The one who became sad and irritated when seeing this friend decided not to give up. For that I had to fight against my own thoughts and feelings. There was a time I became sad and silent when he passed by me, but later I became more active and happier (even though I’m not really happy inside) in front of him. We remained as strangers in the same classroom. But there were times I melted down like snow in front of him. Once I saw him sitting in the class with hands wrapped with bandage. That crushed my heart. I couldn’t sit comfortable until I went to him asking what was happened. He replied that his dog bite him. I told him to go for anti-rabies vaccine and walked away. That night I cried a lot thinking about all the past events. I compared those happy days to our present relationship. All the wise advices that I got from the counselor were blown away in just a day. Next evening I ran to my psychologist and regained my strength. Once again I drove his thoughts away. Nearly one and half a year of estrangement, we are in the final year of our course. By that time I got a number of friends. Everybody told that I’ve changed a lot. During a vacation time, I was going home in the bus. He was there in the same bus. Not as usual, he smiled at me and wanted me to sit in his seat. I was wondered and a bit happy that I ran to his seat hearing that as if a small pin being attracted towards a magnet. For a moment I wished to put a break to our silence. That night in the bus we talked about so many things as if we were seeing for the first time and nothing had happened to us. We didn’t speak anything about the breakup and he started cracking jokes. After dinner, he slept resting his head on my shoulder and wrapping his arms around me just like we used to sleep in the hostel when we were friends. I generally like to hug someone or at least a pillow when I sleep. So like to sleep with small kids. My younger sister grew up sleeping on my chest for many years. When she grew up, I made her sleep separately and I slept hugging my pillows. When I made sure that he’s asleep, I touched his hands and patted gently on it. I looked at his face. He was sleeping peacefully like an innocent child. I felt his drooling saliva wetting my shoulder. I couldn’t recognize what I’m in- pleasure or pain? Its both… That night I didn’t sleep a single minute, ruminating old things. For my luck, he didn’t see me crying silently. I was sick and tired of being silent to him for months. I wished to talk to him though I didn’t expect to get him back as my old best friend. After the vacation, I called him to my apartment. That evening we talked about the quarrel and both confessed each other. He promised me that he’ll remain my best friend for the rest of our college life. I was destroyed in happiness and felt like I conquered the whole world. Except a few silly cat fights, we both remained best friends and still continues to be.
Now I believe, one day we’ll get what we deserve, no matter how much time it takes. So I feel, “BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.”

CHILDREN'S OWN GOD.

2010-04-04T18:08:00.003+05:30

I've always been interested in writing and reading sad stories. You can understand that if you read my previous posts. Two days ago, i was searching for some sad stories in the blogger. Then i came to see a blog named "Touching Stories" by John(i don't remember his last name). I was really astonished by the way he tells his stories. They were really touching as he claimed in the foreword. The one that seemed best to me was the "Explanation Of God By An Eight Year Boy." It reminded me my childhood prayers to god. Children pray in a funny way. I had an aunt who was handicapped with polio since childhood. I felt so sorry for her that she had to walk always with her walking stick. Sometimes she slipped down on the floor too. She didn't want to get married due to her physical defect. I always prayed, "dear god, bless me and my family. Let my parents live for a hundred years. Please let my aunt walk normally like us. Give me power to hit my enemies. Oh god please give promotion to my dad. Erase my mom's pimples so that she'll look fairer. Give me more marks in my school tests. Oh... I want to be the winner in all the games so my friends won't make fun on me. Remind my dad to bring chocolates tonight. Can you give me one more sibling(which was later fulfilled by the birth of my sister)? " These are the things that i usually prayed in my childhood.
Once my aunt asked me to tell her the things i demanded to god in my prayers. I prayed loudly in front of her. When she heard me praying for her, she laughed loudly telling that she'll not be cured untill her death. I saw her eyes were wet. But i didn't stop praying for her untill my teenage. That's childhood.... Children always have hope for the futre. They love god very much. Years passed, i was beginning to question the power of god. Though i know that god is there, i don't spend much time for prayer. Sometimes i abused god for all my troubles. When i retrieve my mood back, i just repent for my sins. Still i'm not bothered about questioning his existance. At times, i ponder myself, what happened to that small kid inside me who always loved god more than himself. And i never get the answer....

THE MAGIC OF A GENTLE TOUCH.

2010-04-03T09:25:00.004+05:30

There may be hundreds of definitions for the word "TOUCH" if we search in dictionaries. But what does touch mean to you? For me, it means a lot. If you read bible or other holy books, we can see that the jesus and the other prophets used to cure even fatal diseases of the people. There was no medicine. All they ever did was to touch them and pray for their convalescence. In my view, it was their touch that cured all their illness. Yes, a warm and gentle touch is really a drug which can be prescribed by anyone. Personally i'm really addicted to it. From the birth itself, man shows his wish to be touched. A child stops crying when his busy mom comes and hugs, leaving all her works. He sleeps peacefully if his mother is there with him in bed running fingers through his hairs. When the mother cuddles her son, he feels secured like a chick under the mommy hen's wings. I wish if i could get my childhood back atleast for a day... I know it's ridiculous.
Lovers and spouses also must try the magic of touch. A true lover always prefers a sweet kiss and and a lovely pat than hardcore sex. If i tell from my experience, i was lucky enough to be smooched by my ex-girlfriend several times. It was electrifying! I still get goose flesh when i think of it. I felt like all my energy is draining away from me. All i wanted then was to lay down on the ground with my girl. So heavenly moment!!!
I always like to place my hand on my close friends' shoulder. When they do the same to me, i feel something really different. I find, and feel their trust in me and my faith in them also is consolidated. Real friendship can be recognized by the way one touches. That's all i have to say about touch.

Born to fail...

2010-03-13T02:11:00.003+05:30

What if life is like a movie? Cut off the sad situations as well as spice up the happy moments with re-takes? Once again i'm being defeated by my long time partner "depression." This time i'm not planning to take medicines. I've took them several times and realized that nothing can't save me from this black hole. If i take it in future again, no doubt it'll be an extremely fatal dose. I'm really longing to die. I'm failing everywhere. Those i loved don't return their love. I'm smiling... Always... Everybody thinks i'm happy. May be it's time for me to rest in peace. Whatever useless in the universe should be perished. I can't blame anyone for my sorrows. I only blame the one who created me- god. If i die, there's noone to take care of my family. That's the only thing that keeps me away from a suicide. Why should i be sad about them too? Because they also never gave me even a happy day in this life of 22years. But i wish the best for my younger sister, who is only 10years old. I want her to have enough education and a happy family. I need to be caressed by death. I hate to run insane in front of the people. There were many people who had the chance and power to save me from this aching situation, including my family and friends. They were the best drugs for me but they were always outta stock. I tried everything giving pleasure- drugs, alcohol, music, porn movies, psychiatric counselling, blogging and everything i ever heard of. Fuck the god... There was a time i loved him, but i'm not mohammed rasool or mahathma gandhiji to love those who hate me. None of my friends or relatives knows about my blog. I hid it from them just because i don't want them to understand my thoughts and feelings. There are a few things that shouldn't be revealed to anyone. I like to prick myself with needles because they don't pain much but helps to lighten the heaviness over my chest. When i was in the college, i used to write my feelings on the walls of the hostel room. I know it was strange, but my hands kept on writing like a moving train. Everybody made fun on my "crazy arts" i also smiled... Slowly i began to feel shame as everybody would understand my problems. So i started blogging. I imagined my dead body lying motionless on the floor, sometimes hanging on the ceiling and sometimes covered with blood. Those imaginations brought meaningful smile on my face. You may feel crazy when you read it but you won't understand anything until you put yourself in my shoes. I wish sincerely, nobody should have a life like mine. I need some happiness... I'm tired and i can't type more. I'm stopping...

LIFE OF A MALE NURSE.

2010-02-01T14:29:00.004+05:30

In my opinion, men tend to shine more than women in any career. Let it be showbiz, sports, politics business, whatever… But there are some other fields where men struggle to survive. As per my own experience, I must say that nursing is the hardest job for a man. I can prove it if you keep reading.
The main cause of this hardship is the prejudice of the world about a male nurse and not any demerit of that man. I got my nursing degree in December 2009. Since then I’ve been wandering everywhere in search of a job. Everyday I read the classifieds page of the newspaper carefully and apply for all the vacancies. I also attended interviews in a dozen of hospitals. So strange, they all slammed their door saying that they don’t prefer male nurses anymore. Even though I wished, I had no guts to ask them a question that aroused in my heart- “what’s wrong with men? Is it just because they got a big d***K and two balls?” Men have proved their strength everywhere, then why not in this particular job?
I remember once I approached the administrator of a well known psychiatric hospital in my hometown, who was also a catholic priest. Still I can’t believe that a priest can talk dirty like that. I just felt him as one of the students in my college. You know why? When in college, we all (including me) used to have dirty talks among friends like “F**k, s**k, d**k, p***y” and everything filthy like that. But that was not at all a big matter for any of us. He said, “We don’t want any male nurse in our hospital. They don’t know any work. What they all know will be the size of their female co-workers’ “b***s”. When they join, they’ll be little lambs. But those poor brothers will become fathers within 10 months. If we allow any male nurse here, we’ll be obliged to transform this mental hospital to a maternity hospital. So you please let us carry on this institute peacefully my son.” Indeed that priest was a mother f*****r. He’s a blemish to the entire brethren. I have a question for such schmucks- there are male doctors and male officers in every hospital. Then why not nurses? After all they are dedicating four years of their small life for studies. They would’ve become doctors and get more respect if they spend one more year. I wonder if those male staff other than nurses don’t have any lust. Are they all saints? Or do they have any erectile problems? Is it necessary for all the male nurses to be fornicators? I need an answer.

Now a days feminism has become a fashion in India. Some women claim that they need equity. But the truth is men are always a bit superior to women and they got to be the lords and protectors for women. At the same time men should respect the women also, because they deserve it. But a 50:50 equity cannot be expected ever. It’ll be at least 51:49 where men are 51% and women 49%. This is the maximum for women. Why don’t these stupids (not women but the authorities) think of any strategy that utilizes the strength and brain of men in a useful way? I must confess that there are a group of men who spoil the name of other men (not only among nurses.) But if wisely selected, there will be a tremendous improvement in the patient care. All we need is a chance.

There is one more thing, women, especially in India try to adjust with what they get without raising their voice against injustice. Whereas the authority will have to loosen their harsh policies if there are a remarkable number of men among the employers. In some occasions, female nurses are abused in several ways, either physically or mentally. I’ve heard of many incidents where female nurses were sexually abused either by doctors, patients or sometimes even by their fellow male nurses also (I agree that.) But if they have some reliable and credible male co-workers, the problem will be less severe and they’ll have hope for support and protection. They will feel secured, and surely men will be there for their assistance. So there is no point in saying that male nurses are always problematic. This is an intentionally created situation and nursing is the most suitable job for such an abuse. Less payment, more toil and sometimes, even physical pleasure. What an idea!

END OF THOSE DAYS...

2009-11-01T00:59:00.002+05:30

I've come to the end of my college days. It was just like a roller coaster ride for me with ups and downs throughout the four years. I found people from different places, had many experiences. I learnt a lot from my experiences. During my college days...
(1)I stayed in hostel for the first time in my life. I got dozens of friends. Some loved me just like the ants loving a sugar cube. Whereas some others hid their long claws in their pocket and sometimes took them outside to grab my neck and pierce me till it starts bleeding. There is one more group who came to me only after they were kicked by their old friends. I was beginning to hate the whole mankind. Anyway I'll miss them all. I knew the worth of my family only after I Went away from them. I remember my favourite lady Madonna singing- "you'll always love me more when miles away...) Oh mom, oh dad... Please forgive this stupid son. I've hurt you both a lot. I'll try to be a good son.

(2)I had my first and the last dead- drunk booze in my final year. I've been always curious about alcohol. I just wanted to know it's taste- neither to be a hero nor to get pleasure. I don't believe that it can yield any pleasure, it produces nausea instead. For me a drunkard is not at all a hero. At the same time, those who go insane after drinking are absolutely a big zero. But I'm happy that I know it's taste now.

(3)What's next??? Huh, a girl... For the very first time, I enjoyed a girl. There was no sexual intercourse between us(just because i had no guts.) But we enjoyed kissing and caressing each other. We liked each other and we utilized every single chance we had got. But we were never in love, just a physical attraction, and we were really happy and satisfied with that. But I had never forced for anything. We had same concepts so sometimes even she was not ashamed to seduce me. Wow... My temperature rose rapidly whenever I touched her body. I'll always miss her(body.)
(4)I was always a very friendly person. But after coming to this college, for the first time in my life I heard that I'm a nerd. So weird... In my earlier days everyone used to say that I'm very amiable and talkative but somehow, things just changed in the way that I never wanted. I don't know who is right- me or my friends? I was never ready for compromise in few things as in the case of neatness and hygiene. I used to rebuke my friends when they used to come and lay on my bed with loads of sweat and dirt after playing and other business. Some of them took it as an insult and they had grudge on me. They began cooking up stories about me and I became a lonely wolf in the early year. Later they realized what was really in my mind but it was too late for me. I had learnt to live on my own. I also had some other personal problems haunting me. I was sinking into mild depression. I went through several sleepless nights and I was obliged to seek expert advice. He prescribed antidepressants and sedatives. Later I developed addiction to them and I had to take more dose to get sleep. I hid all these things from my family and most of my class mates but it was broken when I had a blackout in the hospital while I was on duty. Then also some M&**%$&&(@%&s ignited a new story telling that it was a suicide attempt. Even my friends believed that. I was further devastated and all these things really wanted Me to die. Now I'm happy that I don't have to face them anymore...

How you felt after reading this. Does it seem stupid. Don't care... Or never ever read my blog again. I've just started. Hahahah...

THE MOST TERRIBLE DAYS IN MY LIFE(PART 2)

2009-08-24T17:15:00.000+05:30

UNTIMELY DEATH OF MY DEAR UNCLE.

Uncle Afi was my companion in my mothers family. It was him, who took me for bike rides and boating. My grandma was a typical person showing kindness and patience towards grandchildren. At the same time, my grandpa was somewhat a kid like me, who always used to quarrel to infuriate me. I also was not that bad. Yet we loved each other very much. He was a great fan of old time pop superstars like Abba, BoneyM and Beetles. I think from him I inherited my craze for music. My eldest uncle Khalil was living with his family in Bombay. He was a photographer and was running his own studio. Whenever he came to Kerala to spend holidays, I was really happy because he used to bring tons of chocolates and North Indian sweets. My mom also had two sisters- Nilofre and Saira. Aunt Nilofre was very affectionate but I was more intimate with aunt Saira as she was there all the time with her daughter- Fazrin.

In my opinion uncle Afi was a strong person. We used to play boxing and I remember that the game always ended with my loud crying. Still I loved to play with him. I had a trick of crying without any reason to fulfill my needs. That time he used to make fun on me telling, "boys don't cry but girls like to..." Then I'll stop crying.

I remember my mom and and uncle Afi going to Bombay when I was young. That time I was not much aware of the purpose. I heard somebody telling that he went for a medical check up. After years only I knew that he was havimg blood cancer. But he was not at all frustrated and what he loved to do is to defy the fate. He lead a happy life in spite of all the mishaps(not sure if he was really happy inside. Nah....) May be its that courage that helped him to hold on for a long period of about 12years.

His condition worsened by the time i reached 3rd standard. He looked gravely ill that he became emaciated and he was confined to bed during his last days. He spent months counting his days. He also lost temperature controll. That house become very silentv as a cemetry. Yet i hadn't even imagine that he'll die.

During my mid-term examination in the 4th standard, my mother went her home for a few days. Me and my elder sister Lulu stayed at my father's home. One early morning at 6 o' clock, our phone rang. My sister listened to the phone as if she had some revelation. She must've realized what happened because, she is 4years elder to me and much matured than me. I just gazed at her and listened to my grandpa talking in the phone. After hanging on he told that uncle Afi is no more. I didn't cry but i was rather shocked. I lost my best friend at my mother's home. My grandma cried continuously for months on her loss. His demise was a precursor of a great change within that family. Apart from the emotional disturbance among the family members, it had the worst impact on my grandpa. I'm planning to write it in my next blog. Plz keep reading...

THE MOST TERRIBLE DAYS IN MY LIFE(PART 1)

2009-08-23T17:17:00.000+05:30

MY DAD BECOMES ILL...

I was just 7 or 8 years old... During a school vacation, me and my mother went my mother's home. I don't remember if my elder sister Lulu was there with me or not. Just like any other innocent kids, I was happy without caring anything. One evening, my uncles- Hafeez and Ibrahim came there. When I came after play, they were in the sitting room. As usual I ran to them with joy, giving a light, friendly punch on their chest. They always used to toss me in the air or respond to my silly messing with pleasure. But that time i saw everyone- my uncles and grandparents silent and my mom was sobbing. I didnt know what happened and i ddint ask anyone either. I just kept quiet. My uncles took us back to our home. My dad was not there... After keeping our bag inside the house, we went somewhere in the same car. It was 'Mar Thoma'- a mental hospital in my hometown. I saw my dad sleeping there peacefully, he was under sedation. After 2-3days(i think) he came back and i was not sure what exactly happened to him. I remained same but felt everything different at home. No happiness, no fun, no laughter.... But i didnt care any of these things, and i roamed here and there with my friends.
My friends at school used to joke at mentally ill people and Mar Thoma hospital was always a matter of joke for them. They always called them "lunatic". Then i thought, "what are these stupids saying?" One day i told them, "its not a mental hospital because, once my father was there." Then on of them said, " he must be mad then... " I didn't feel anything bad, because i ignored it as merely a joke.
Months passed, i began listening to my relatives' conversation and i realized that was somethings wrong with him. When i was about 2 or 3. my dad came back losing his job from abroad. Then there was really a financial as well as emotional crisis within the family. Whatever business he tried was flopped. These all things disturbed his poise...
After years only i asked my mom what was happened to him that day. She told me that he lost his mind and slapped his father when we were not there. There were also some familial matters, that his relationship with some of his family members was disturbed. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder(BPAD), which means an emotional swing between extreme happiness and severe depression. The persons with BPAD are having higher chance to have its recurrence in later years. It happened in his life also. That I'll tell later...
Keep reading.