When I think about my writing I think about the wonderful books I have read and the first and most significant is Natalie Goldberg and her book, Writing Down the Bones. I remember taking her book with me on a four hour drive and devouring every word. Lucky for me my partner back then liked to do most of the driving.

I still have that little book and I still often carry it with me for inspiration. She talks about sitting in cafes in Taos New Mexico and teaching others to write even before she was an author herself. She would go to craft fairs and sell prose for a dollar. I thought, wow, what moxie.  I could not imagine writing for other people. Well I could but only in my dreams.

About the same time that I read her book I read another fabulous author by the name of Gabrielle Roth. Her book, Maps to Ecstasy: Teachings of an Urban Shaman, stirred something in me that bubbled up and could not be contained. Dance. Movement.

Writing, dance, movement, writing, this marinated in my soul for years until I had the courage to act on it and began writing seriously the beginning of 2012.

I use dance and movement to connect to my muse, to my higher self, whatever you want to call it. Music and movement help me to open up and allow the words to flow.

Now I did mot start out writing poetry. Yes I wrote a few poems in high school and as a young adult but I did not take it seriously let alone have the confidence to continue with it. It was not until I saw a picture writing prompt on Shah Wharton’s, Words in Sync, that poetry began to stir within me once again. Stir, it began to boil. It took hold of me and did not let go.

I had forgotten for a time what poetry means to me; now that I remember I live and breathe it. I turn tragedy into words on the page. I take the bleeding gaping holes and mend them with my words.

Morgan Dragonwillow is co-host of @StoryDam and creatrix of OctPoWriMo (a poetry month in October) Morgan Dragonwillow is intimate with shadow and dances into the heart of it. She believes that diving in to what most people try to avoid makes great fertilizer for creativity whether it is writing, painting, or using other mediums for art. She currently lives in Marietta, Georgia with her partner, their Pekinese and their fluffy, long haired tabby. You will often find her online #wordmongering with her #StoryDam team and writing community.

Morgan’s new book, Dancing within Shadow – A Poetic Journey, is available on Amazon as a free dowload today and tomorrow (June 19-20, 2013).  Get your copy today!

Find Morgan online here:

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/mdragonwillow.writer
Twitter - https://twitter.com/MDragonwillow
Webpage - http://morgandragonwillow.com/

First, it’s Glue It Tuesday.  I don’t always manage to fit this in, but when I do I always enjoy my time spent cutting and pasting.  This week I combined thoughts from Max Daniels and Lisa Sonora Beam with some found inspiration work a la Julie Gibbons, and I started my journal collage with the question “what matters most right now?”  Here’s the answer so far:

 Last night was my first time doing my Creative+Practice work from Lisa Sonora Beam’s class at the time I chose for myself.  Last week, Week 1, I started late in the week and was haphazard about when and where I did the work.  This week I promised myself I would give myself the time and the space to actually do this, to show up for myself and do what I am being pulled to do.  But I got home last night and wasn’t settling down to do it, even after my promises and cheerleading.  I realized that I wasn’t doing the work at my designated time because I was uncomfortable.

The time I picked for my work is right after I get home.  Feed the cats, clean the litter boxes, change clothes, get a drink, sit down and practice.  It makes sense, the cat tending happens every day so I can always pair my practice with that, and sitting down to work for a while might even make a good transition from day to evening (I struggle with transitions, but that’s a story for a different day).

And yet I was uncomfortable sitting down to do my creative work.  I felt like I should be doing something else–cleaning up in the kitchen, getting started making dinner, some sort of responsible thing.  But most evenings when I get home, after I take care of the cats I tend to zone out, cuddling with said kitties, watching TV, doing not much of anything.  And for much longer than my creative practice took, because I settle into this resting and relaxing period and have a hard time breaking out of it to get up and do anything else.  But last night after my practice I went in the kitchen, cleaned up a few things, and made dinner.  And I still had time after to do some writing, some reading, and some lounging.

The discomfort remains, though.  I think somewhere deep down inside I am feeling guilty about taking care of myself first.  And I didn’t even know I had that kind of thing going on!  I believe very deeply that we must care for ourselves, that we aren’t really going to be much use to anyone else if we aren’t caring for ourselves.  So why is it so hard to put my work before household chores and things I think I should be doing?  I’m not sure, but now that I have realized I have this going on I’m going to work on it, stay aware of it, notice when it’s happening, and see what I can do about it.

Oh, and writing?  Two sentences eased me back in.  I guess maybe it wasn’t the time for a big goal.  So my goal is back to just doing some writing each weekday.  I like it.  I don’t feel stressed about it, my story is swirling around in my head again and I actually feel like writing.  I’m going to take that as a sign that I’m on the right track.

I’m keeping track of when I’ve done my Creative+Practice work by tweeting when I’m done (yesterday I was fancy and even included a photo!).  I think I’m going to do the same for my writing.  If anyone else has things they want to work on, and you want to cheer each other on and offer a bit of accountability let me know.  I’d love to have you with me on my journey, and I’d love to be part of yours, too.  Leave me a note, and let’s connect and get some stuff done!

I’ve been hesitant to talk too much about my flaws and failures.  What kind of coach falls prey to the same things she helps other people deal with?  Oh yeah.  A human one.  A human one who needs to remember what she tells people all the time–we all need to connect with mentors and teachers and people who support and cheer us on our paths.  We all need help.  So, here’s a little bit about me getting caught up in a downward spiral and my journey back out.

My Creative+Practice journal, created (and not quite completed) last year but not used because I kept meaning to get to the work but wasn’t doing it. I see a pattern…

This whole year, plagued by illness, injury, car troubles, and the accompanying money woes that go with all of that, I have been trying to make plans, jump into things, busy my anxiety and depression away.  Coupled with a leaning toward self-sabotage and procrastination, I’ve just been setting myself up for failure and a reinforcement of my “I never do what I should, never do anything right” feelings.

This week, though, a few things happened to push me into acknowledging that I’ve just been plunging into plans to try to shake myself out of my doldrums.

First, Lisa’s class started up again, and I realized that it’s an invitation.  It’s an invitation to slowly build up to something lasting, something that can keep me afloat during dark and stressful times.

Then Thursday Jill did a call about self-sabotage and not showing up for yourself.  It was like someone shined a spotlight on my behavior.  It became so clear that I was making sure that I don’t move ahead with my dreams.

At first I found myself starting to make all sorts of new plans to “get myself going” and things like that.  Then I stopped myself.  I asked one question: “What do I need?”  Not what do I want to be doing (writing, coaching, teaching), or what do I think I should be doing (cleaning and organizing, making better plans for my life). What do I need?

• I need breathing space, calm, peace-of-mind
• I need a support structure, regular practices that help me sort my thoughts and get that calm space I need
• I need to care for myself

A huge problem of mine is impatience.  I want all of this right now.  My plan (oh, I just can’t help myself–I love to make plans!) is to take things day-by-day.  I’m going to finish out this round and begin the next one with the goal of making one daily step, connecting with people here, on Twitter, on Facebook to have some accountability.

So what does this mean for ROW80 and JuNoWriMo?  Writing is in my soul, I can’t stop thinking about writing and stories, so I’m not going to stop doing either of these.  I’m just going to really dial back my goals.  For the rest of this round, and for the rest of June, I am going to set the goal of writing at least two sentences every weekday.  Small steps, one of my favorite tools from my Kaizen-Muse™ training.  And they work when I remember to do them (have you ever noticed how hard it can be to follow your own advice?)

I’ve been rambling.  I hope you’re still with me.  I hope you’ll remember that even when you’re not practicing your creativity, even when things are dark, this is normal, and you are not alone.  And if you want to talk about it, I would love to connect so we can help each other along.

I have mentioned being stressed on here and to friends, but lately I’ve been realizing that it has been an extremely stressful year, and my usual ways of dealing with stress aren’t actually getting me anywhere.  I have a tendency to drift around and be unfocused (someone needs to meditate or something!), but it’s been particularly bad in these days.  So I’m going to spend the rest of the round and the time before Round 3 kicks in putting some things into place that will maybe help me deal with it.  I’m also going to put some things to help me with my focus in place and see how that works out.

Between now and the beginning of Round 3:

• Start a writing blog or journal (or make some sort of special category here for personal posts? Thoughts on that anyone?)
• Tell someone the things I want to get done each weekday
• Find a few people to create a small, supportive accountability group (ties in with above idea, may be the same idea)
• Continue yoga practice and maybe add in some shorter practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays (currently doing it Monday, Wednesday, Friday)
• Put all of my journaling and art journaling stuff together and make it easily accessible
• Set up a good work station downstairs

Lest you think that all is too, too sad, here’s a rundown of what has been going right.  I have figured out a couple of key scenes for my WIP and have written them!  Yes, I have been writing.  I haven’t been near the required output for JuNoWriMo, and right now I’m not even doing my personal goal of 500 words/day, but I’ve been writing things that work really well for my story, and I’ve figured out some really important pieces of the story so this is good.

That’s what’s going on here.  How’s everything on your end of the world?  How do you deal with heavy stress?  Does it throw you off track like it’s been doing for me, and what do you do with it?  I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Photo by gt4evaali

As I mentioned before, I signed up for JuNoWriMo.  It seemed like a great way to get back to work on my novel that has been languishing.  And in some ways this has been true.  Just not in the bragging rights for writing 1,667 words a day sort of way.

I’ve been working regularly on the novel and finally have a vision of where the story is heading.  I’ve been working on a very sketchy synopsis to help me see some of the major points, and I’ve been working on a couple of scenes that needed to be included earlier in the book to let me go where I need to with the story.

This is all actually really great, and I’m really excited.  For the first time, I think I know how to actually finish a novel-length work.  But I have found that I’m working more slowly than the JuNoWriMo pace.  This is okay, though.  I feel like I’ve found my work style, at least for this story.

I’ve decided to be a JuNo rebel and set a goal of 500 words/day for myself because I’m finding that doing some freewriting and scene planning and then doing some actual writing is working really well for me, and this goal feels good.

So here’s a takeaway for you–start with a plan or a structure, but keep listening to your intuition and make changes that feel good for you even if they aren’t following the rules.  It’s good to have a starting point, and challenges like JuNo are great starting points, but always listen to your Muse–she knows what she’s talking about–and follow your heart.

I’m meandering down my writing path.  I only have a few hundred words written for JuNoWriMo.  I’m kind of stressed out right now, and I am unfocused.  And my writing muscles haven’t been exercised enough lately, so they’re out of shape and don’t want to get moving.  I find myself drifting along, doing a little of this, a bit of that, looking at the thing over there, and I am not getting much of anything done anywhere.

The weird thing is that for the first time in the seven or eight years that I’ve been poking at the story off-and-on, I can see its shape.  I can feel the whole structure of the story.  It’s been through two NaNoWriMos–the first one left me with a dreary partial draft and a whiny, dull protagonist.  The second one is the one I’m continuing with right now.  Both times I had sort of an idea of the ending but no idea why it happened or how I would get there.  This time, I know that stuff, but I still can’t seem to settle down to write.

So now it’s time to ease myself into actually writing this story.  I know there are lots of things piling up that are helping me stumble, helping me avoid my writing.  You probably have lots of stumbling blocks, too.  Often we try to figure out why we aren’t writing or creating or doing whatever it is we want to be doing.  Guess what?  It doesn’t matter!

We don’t need to know why we’re blocked.  Maybe at some point it will be useful information, so maybe later we can have a look at it, but to get ourselves unblocked the “why” doesn’t matter.  The doing matters.

Let’s all do this together–pick one tiny little thing, five minutes’ worth of something at most, and do that.  Don’t plan ahead to what you’ll do after that.  After comes after.  For now, pick a thing that’s easy and quick and do it.

My something?  Pulling out my notebook, notecards, and pens, getting my music turned on, drink refilled, writing area set up.  That’s it.  Then I’m going to do whatever I feel like for a while, but this time I’m going to do it with all of my writing stuff out in plain view, right in front of me.

So what about you?  What are you wanting to do right now that isn’t happening?  And what little step can you take to get you on the path?

Overwhelm is one of those funny things in life.  I know what needs to be done about it.  I can guide other people through and around it as I coach them.  And still it is a thing that returns to me and trips me up repeatedly.

I am letting the overwhelm come and just looking at it right now.  And as I don’t panic and try to run away from it, as I don’t throw myself into busy work that has nothing to do with my writing or the overwhelm, I am getting a clearer picture.  I can see that the overwhelm is stemming from fear.  Fear that I’m not a good writer, that I don’t have it in me to write a novel, fear of failure.

That’s all right.  If you are having fears about your creative work, say this to yourself.  Say it out loud.

It’s all right.

And it realy is all right.  It’s all right to feel nervous or afraid.  It is all right to not know exactly how you’re going to get where you want to go.  It’s all right to have these feelings.  You don’t have to do anything with them.  Just have them and then pick one thing and do it.  Even if it’s one tiny thing.  Even if you aren’t sure it will help or be useful.  My grandfather used to say, “Do something even if it’s wrong.”  That’s what we should all do together.  Do something.  It is so much easier to make adjustments or corrections or revisions to something that exists than it is to try to make sure whatever we do will be “right” in the first place.  So go ahead.  Go out there.

Do something even if it’s wrong.

So about that check-in.  I’ve started on my Aristotle’s Incline, but it isn’t finished.  I have been figuring out some plot points and things that need to happen and things that might be really good in the story.  I’m making a list, and I’m also making a short synopsis of what I’ve written so far so I can see where my new ideas will fit in.

I’m going to work on my incline and the synopsis and the random scene ideas between now and Friday, and on Saturday I’m going to write.

See you Sunday with news on how that’s going.  And remember–do something!

It’s been a pretty busy writing time since Wednesday.  I finished the read-through of my WIP, made a few notes for later, and started notes on what needs to happen in the rest of the story.  I think I will have a good plan in place by the time JuNoWriMo starts next weekend.  I’m getting really excited to start!

Today I read through The Busy Writer’s One Hour Plot and The Busy Writer’s One Hour Character by Marg McAlister.  They are both short and to the point, and they have some really useful questions and exercises. I especially like the plotting book.  The character book has some sections that I’m not finding that useful because I already know who my MC is, but if you’re having a hard time picking an MC the early exercises would be useful.

I think doing everything in one hour might be a little gimmicky–I think you can get good results by going through the exercises more slowly if you like.  Having the time limit can get your thoughts flowing, but I don’t know that it’s necessary.

That’s what’s going on right now.  Between now and Wednesday, here’s my plan:

• Create an Aristotle’s Incline for my story
• Work through the One Hour Plot exercises
• Do at least one writing practice from a prompt to get my words primed and flowing

See you at the next check-in.

Time is our currency for our creative dreams

This week, Jamie Ridler asks, “How do you wish to spend your days?”  If money weren’t a consideration I would spend my days reading and writing, taking classes, making art, knitting, lounging with my cats.  If money is back in the mix, then I would add in teaching others what I’ve learned and helping them find their dreams.

I want to remember that this is what I’m aiming at and that I can bring parts of this dream into my regular life even now, even though I have a day job.  I can put all of these things in my life right now, but I need to remember that I want to do it.

That brings me to my ROW80 check-in. I am feeling a lot more focused about my writing.  A few things have been coming together for me over the past week or so, and I have realized that while I have a lot of things I want to do and accomplish right now the main thing I want to give my attention to is my writing.  My heart tells me this is where to turn my focus no matter what my head says, and I am going to do what I teach my students and clients–I am going to follow my intuition.

Once I acknowledged that what I really want is to give my writing my fullest, best effort and once I decided that I am going to go with that desire, my attitude shifted.  I am more focused on my writing.  I am not constantly hopping from one thing to another.  I’m not even mooning and pouting over all of the cool classes that are always being touted and that I don’t have money for because now, even when the classes look especially good, there’s a quiet little voice in my head that says, “Yes, that looks good, but it would take away from the writing.”  I hear that voice, and suddenly I don’t feel bad that I “can’t” take all the classes I want.  Suddenly I am feeling good about choosing my writing over everything else.

Between now and Sunday I’m going to try to finish my read-through of my WIP so far.  I say “try” because it is a little over 50,000 words, and I do have other things that I have to do between now and Sunday, so it may be a little out of reach.  But I’m betting I can get close to finishing.

I’m going to set aside making any plot notes or any of that right now–thinking about doing that while doing the read-through has been stalling me.  So for now I’m just going to read–my story and a book on plotting I picked up.  Next week I can get down to the notes and plotting, after I remind myself what I’ve already written.

Small steps.  It’s what I teach.  Now it’s time to practice it myself.