Music Slut

The Heroine's Journey ("One of the Greats" by Florence + the Machine)

2026-08-30T18:08:39.832-05:00

For the past few years, I've created a pair of playlists every year. One is the vibe of the year, which is based on the energy I'm sensing around New Year's and add to it as I find songs that fit that energy; the other is my "Jess is Awesome!" playlist, which I've made for my birthday every year for the past four years. While the Vibe of the Year usually grows as the year progresses, I make an effort to choose about 10-15 songs for my birthday playlist to encapsulate the moment. To some extent, it captures my mood at the time of creation. For example, "Volume 2: In My Feels" featured "Desert Song" by MCR, "Stronger" by Hanson, and "Jenny, You're Barely Alive" by Rilo Kiley - clearly, I was going through something. Volume 3, in contrast, featured songs like "Golden" by Huntr/x, "In My Blood" by Shawn Mendes, and "Across the Universe" by the Beatles. One of the themes for that year was "Dying Star," which still feels like taking a deep breath of air when I listen to it. The first year was mostly songs that capture my essence, including my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers.

There are some eccentric and unofficial rules around the "Jess is awesome!" playlist. The first is that there's usually a theme song I choose (sometimes two, if I'm feeling especially Gemini Rising). The second - and this seems to be unintentional - but there must always be one Hanson song. Luckily, they have a pretty sizeable repertoire. And third - it's not going to change after July 6th, so the songs must be selected with intention. I was struggling a bit with composing the playlist this year. but I finally put it together a couple of days before my birthday, in a fit of inspiration. Right in the nick of time. For this year, the songs are largely aspirational and motivational - the attitude and perspective I would like to embody (or am embodying) as well as ideas I would like to bring into my life this year. As you may have guessed by the title of this post, "One of the Greats" is my theme for my 39th revolution around the Sun.

******

I've been pre-occupied with this idea of greatness. Or, more precisely, this intense introspection into whether or not I'm doing what I was put on this planet to do. More often than not, the answer feels like a resounding "No!" Don't get me wrong - I am really good at my mundane job. And I could probably keep climbing up the ladder indefinitely....but do I want to? True, it keeps me busy - my days are a whirlwind of bullshit that keeps me spinning from task to task. Occasionally, it gets interesting. I'm proud of the things I've accomplished. I like the people I work with (for the most part). And I love the financial stability - arguably the best part of the job (and most mundane jobs) is the salary. That being said - if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. It's a means to an end.

The harsh reality is that purpose is pursued in the dim light of early mornings and the darkness after bedtime hugs. It's built in the span of a couple free hours on weekends and on breaks during the work day. Often it feels like toiling with no outcome - there is only The Work. Often, there is no tangible reward so you must learn to love the process. It's about the journey and not the destination. And even then, even if you love it, you can burn yourself out from the disappointment. It takes discipline and devotion, when you have nothing left to give. At which point, you just start digging out the bottom of a dry well. In theory, that's where the good stuff is anyway.

In the past - and even now - I struggle with wondering if I'm wasting my time on this. I'm no good at this writing thing, so I should give up. There's no money in it, there's too much competition, everyone is writing something - what more could I have to offer? It used to make me quite depressed and - as the huge blank spaces in the timeline of this blog can attest - unmotivated to write anything, even when I'm overflowing with inspiration. But lately, there's this little voice inside saying, "Who gives a shit?" And instead of scrolling another hour when I get those thoughts, I've been coming here or to my Scrivener projects or to one of my many notebooks....and doing the work. My mind has been so loud this year. And there's really only one way to quiet it.

******

There are some songs I wish I could just shoot into my veins, they are so thoroughly in my blood when I hear them. This latest album from Florence perfectly captures where I am right now. Her albums often do that. I think it's because we're so close in age (she was born in 1986, about 10 months before me), so we're going through a lot of the same milestones at the same time. That's why I originally wanted to write a 33 1/3 book about "Ceremonials" - in my 20s, it perfectly encapsulated where I was on my journey. Recently, I realized I don't resonate with it as much anymore. Maybe I've overheard the songs too much, or maybe I just have the latest album to compare the feeling to. I still love it but in a different way. The songs on "Everybody Scream" speak of overcoming loss and grief, and I've been through a bit of that in recent years. Florence experienced a miscarriage due to an ectopic pregnancy prior to writing "Everybody Scream." She nearly died herself. I cannot begin to tell you how devastating pregnancy trauma can be. And though I haven't experienced a miscarriage myself, others in my family have gone through the pain of losing children they desperately wanted. It leaves a scar. My heart goes out to her. Art often exists as a byproduct of healing these deep, soul-sucking wounds. I want you to keep that in mind as new technology brings up questions of what the purpose of art is, who gets to be creative, the importance of the creative process, and what is art anyway. Be prepared - we are about to go on a long journey through the lyrics of "One of the Greats."

I crawled up from under the earth

Broken nails and coughing dirt

Spitting out my songs so you could sing along, oh

And with each bedraggled breath, I knew I came back from the dead

To show you how it's done, to show you what it takes

To conquer and to crucify, to become one of the greats

One of the greats

The first verse begins where many stories do - at the end. She went through a Death. This may have been her miscarriage story - in your story, it could be a loss of identity brought about by any number of things - and yet, in spite of that Death, she has to carry on. There are expectations, responsibilities, contracts she needs to fulfill. The show must go on, regardless of how she's feeling. Regardless of what she is going through. That's what it takes to be one of the greats - you keep going, even when you have nothing left in you. Yes, we state the underlying lesson at the beginning, because that's how you tell a story. The conflict and the lesson are usually co-present at the start, albeit dressed in poetic drapery.

I kept a scream inside my chest, killed everyone I'd ever kissed

Hung them on the wall like trophies, each name, a stain upon my lips

I told the truth but could never see it through

You see yourself hung on the wall but that song is not about you

I wrote down all my fumbling visions transmitted by a television

Got everything I thought I wanted and cried hungover in a hotel closet

This is, arguably, my favorite verse. It's about the creative process. One of the most amazing things about Florence is that she's very soft-spoken in interviews - at the concert we went to in May, when she would talk to the audience, she sounded so quiet and delicate. But, man, when she sang, she filled the arena. It was amazing to behold. I find that's true about a lot of artists - even myself, at times. When I was acting, I was often told it was "scary" how I could transform into the characters. I became a different person on the stage and then morph back into this quiet, shy girl when rehearsal was over. This is the magic of the creative process - it draws something out of us when we don't feel like we're able to express it in other ways. When we don't feel like we can scream, even though the emotions we're feeling are bursting out of our chest. "I told the truth but could never see it through/You see yourself hung on the wall but that song is not about you." I found myself ruminating deeply on this lyric during my daily commute this summer. It reminds me of Anne Lamott's writing advice (which I'll paraphrase) - tell the truth but change the names....for legal reasons.

What I've realized lately is The Movie Star - or The Journalist or The Poet or The Exorcist or whatever stupid name I give people to explain their place in my story - they're all just characters in my performance. They're shadows at best. The Muse has always been me. These voices in my head are mine alone. The magic flows from my thoughts and ideas, regardless of what's happening in my life. Art is a process. You hear a song or read a book, and we think it's about a certain person in the artist's life, but it's not! It's about their experience. It's about them. A prime example of this is Taylor Swift - we point to lyrics and scream it's about Jake Gyllenhaal or Joe Alwyn, but no! All her songs are about her experience, her feelings, her fears and aspirations and troubles. Except "Wood" - I'm 99% sure that's about her husband's cock. Weird choice to put on an album but I'll allow it. I'm sure I've written spicier stuff so I've no place to judge.

Did I get it right? Do I win the prize?

Do you regret bringing me back to life?

Arms outstretched, back from the dead

Streetlights bursting overhead

Arms outstretched, back from the dead

Streetlights bursting overhead

I did my best, tried to impress, my childhood dream made flesh

And my dresses and my flowering sadness, so like a woman to profit from her madness

I was only beautiful under the lights, only powerful there

Burned down at thirty-six

Why did you dig me up for this?

Moving on. They - and by they, I mean the earth-bound ancestors who have written books about writing and the creative process - say that you start putting out the best work when you don't care anymore. When you're not trying to win anything. When you don't care about the views or the money. When you've scraped the bottom of your grief and have come up empty. When you're doing it just for yourself - that's when the magic becomes unbound. I wonder if I've gotten to that point yet. Or is this the same old drivel I've always written? If it is, do I care? I paused to consider it just now and all I felt was silence. I guess that's as clear a "no" as any. The truth is I wish I could profit from my madness - I think we all do - but even if I never make a dime from my writing, I'll still be doing it. I'm burned out from trying so hard, from being so aware of what I'm putting out there - hoping it's good, hoping it's worth reading, hoping it won't be misconstrued or misinterpreted. The expectations are overwhelming, when it feels like so much of what I'm writing is just screaming into the void. And that's where I am right now - the Void. Nobody can hear me scream here, so why am I doing it? The best answer I've got is I just gotta do it.

You'll bury me again, you'll say it's all pretend

That I could never be great being held up against such male tastes

'Cause who really gets to be one of the greats, one of the greats?

But I've really done it this time, this one is all mine

I'll be up there with the man and the ten other women

And the hundred greatest records of all time

It must be nice to be a man and make boring music just because you can

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan

You're my second favorite frontman

And you could have me if you weren't so afraid of me

It's funny how men don't find power very sexy

So this one's for the ladies

Do I drive you crazy?

Did I get it right?

Easily one of the best bridges I've ever heard. Because who really gets to decide who becomes one of the greats? Historically, it's been men. That's not just me being radically feminist (even if I am) - every day seems to unearth another woman whose contributions to the world have been forgotten or overshadowed or even stolen by the men she worked with. The truth is, women often feel they need to be extraordinary just to hold on to what they have, because the bar is set too high in order to keep them down. I've seen it myself, being in a heavily male-dominated industry. The assumption I've most encountered in my career is I'm too timid to be a leader. And I'm not - I've shown time and time again I am outspoken and smart and have good ideas, sometimes better ideas than my male counterparts. The people I work with closely learn this pretty quick, but it's always the men (and occasionally women) two or three levels above me who have developed this false impression of who I am. That starting assumption is difficult to overcome. Recently, I've realized I've been taking on a lot of extra work at my job and the underlying reason has been to prove I'm worthy of a promotion. But I know I'm worthy of a director-level position. In many cases, I've been doing work my own managers should've been doing, advocating for things my leadership should've already been planning for - and I'm tired of burning myself out for people who have already made up their mind about me.

But the flip side of that coin is being a capable and intelligent woman means that the men you encounter who recognize your brilliance are often intimidated or even afraid of you. If I had a dollar for every man who said I scared them, I'd probably have like $10. Which doesn't sound like much but, psychologically, it takes a toll. Most women's response to this fear - including my younger self - is to make themselves smaller so others feel comfortable and safe. Dimming their light to be less frightening. Even in romantic relationships, many women worry about things like being the breadwinner or letting potential partners win at competitive games so they don't damage a fragile ego. After nearly four decades of living the female experience, I can tell you this isn't the way to go. You deserve to be seen for how beautiful and amazing you are - and if that scares some people away, the Universe is doing you a favor. It's trying to save you from the heartache of losing yourself, which is way more painful than any breakup or lost promotion could ever be.

Side note - and this absolutely will come up in the future - I love the lyric "you're my second favorite frontman." It always makes me wonder who she's talking about. I've decided it's Dave Matthews. I know I'm probably 100% wrong but it's way funnier than whoever she's actually singing about. It is now official lore. I declare it.

There are many other things I love about this song. The supernatural elements of Florence's work always excites my witchy spirit. I love the symbolism of Death and Rebirth, because Life is just a continuous cycle of Death and Rebirth. It goes without saying but I highly recommend checking out "Everybody Scream." I have quite a few favorites from this album, all of which I plan to write about throughout the rest of this year. I have the posts brewing already.

Thanks for reading my friends. If you feel called to comment, here's your question: What are you creating today?

"One of the Greats" Music Video

250 Years Young ("I'm America" by Cilver)

2026-07-05T00:14:14.379-05:00

"If you want to hate America, watch the news; if you want to love America, drive through it." That's how a German World Cup fan described his experience while visiting for the games, repurposing a viral Instagram proverb to fit the moment. It strikes a chord that rings true. I love this country. I don't claim the term "patriot," because it's been co-opted and bastardized by the worst of us. However, I've always had faith in the people and the vision.

My favorite thing about this country- and arguably, the best thing - is its diversity. As a people, we are avid consumers and connoisseurs of what the world has to offer. And the amalgamation all the best parts of the world is quintessential to who we are as a nation. That's the vision of America - the whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts. In my opinion, you can't tell who is an American by a person's race, creed, sexuality, accent, or any of the other different boxes people use to make sense of the world. To love America is to love it's people - all of its people.

Everybody listen to me

I never thought I'd get this far my own

It's just as hard as it seems

No one can say, no one, no one knows

"I'm America" is one of the songs I picked for my "Vibe for 2026" playlist, which has evolved into mostly a list of great protest and resistance music that has come out in past years. Cilver put this song out in 2016. In the words of Uliana Preotu, Cilver's vocalist, they wanted to put out a song to that was hopeful during a time when the world was tumultuous and people were angry and frustrated (albeit less so than the last few years). Preotu is a Romanian immigrant and "I'm America" is about her experience emigrating to the United States. It's a song about the sacrifices immigrants make to get here, her own struggles getting by with limited English fluency, and ultimately, about the greatness of the country who welcomed her in.

Happy Independence Day

"I'm America" Lyric Video

We're All Mad Here ("Where is my mind?" by Safari Riot feat. Grayson Sanders - Pixies Cover)

2026-06-10T21:50:42.514-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the "find out" stage of fucking around. It's the end of the world as we know it - and I feel strangely fine. Since Uranus moved into Gemini, I've felt a new energy. Then I remember I'm a Gemini rising. These are the times I'm built for. Yes, the transit through Taurus sucked. I've beat that dead horse enough. This year, I've had this underlying fear - I was really anxious about the state of the world and a bit scared of the change coming. However, since the end of April, my attitude has flipped. Fuck it, let it all blow up. Like the ending of "Fight Club." I'll get through it - heck, I might even be thriving by the end.

I've told my coworkers and my friends numerous times - I'm having a really hard time taking any of this seriously anymore. And at the same time, I care even more deeply than I ever did before. It's paradoxical. The Astrology Podcast always has these fantastic phrases for different transits and in their annual forecast for 2026, I remember Austin Coppock describing the March-April-May timeframe as "deadly unserious." Perfect description. We are living in dangerously unserious times. This is going to be a long one so I invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole.

The whole world is in clown energy right now. But it's maniacal, evil clown energy. It's not good, is what I'm saying. It's exciting, it may even be fun sometimes, but it's definitely not good. The lead up to Uranus crossing into Gemini territory had it's own peculiar flavor. The Collective Experience has been a delightful mix of disturbing, confusing, and hilarious. This is what we storytellers call "foreshadowing." I've gathered the following amuse bouche of events in the last few months, just to give you a sampling of what's in store over the next 7 years.

Fake bible quotes: Pete Hegseth quoted a fake bible verse from "Pulp Fiction." While definitely a "WTF?" moment, I think I know exactly what happened. He was writing a sermon - because that's what he is, the Pentagon's resident snake-wrangling preacher - and he googled something like "bible verse about soldiers" and the AI spit this out. Don't get me wrong - it's a great line. Quite dramatic....but it's far from biblical.
White House Correspondent's Dinner shenanigans: I won't entertain you with all the conspiracy theories surrounding this. I'm not going to underplay it - this was a serious situation....that was handled so poorly that people thought it was staged. From right-wing influencers shoving wine bottles into their purses on the way out to Kash Patel running down the hallway in a tuxedo and mismatched crazy socks, it was the definition of a clown show. Who the fuck was taking all these action shots of the Administration during the evacuation?! And then, to find out that the Secret Service knew beforehand and did almost nothing to engage local authorities to prevent the attacker from getting anywhere near the building? To be clear, the guy didn't get that close, but still - they knew where he lived and what he was planning well in advance to ensure it wouldn't be an issue during the WHCD. And the cherry on top - Trump, ever the opportunist, used the event to justify the Ballroom. Clever, but insanely brazen. The whole thing was hard to believe. Even now, as I recount it, it sounds like a scene from a political thriller parody film.
Bari Weiss and the transformation of CBS News: The spotlight is going to be shining intensely on journalism and newscasting over the next few years. Mercury rules journalists and television broadcasters, and it's notable that one of the major stories of the past few months has been the appointment of Bari Weiss to lead CBS News. Prior to her appointment at CBS, she was primarily known as an opinion-piece writer and podcaster. Essentially, she was an old-school influencer and, aside from starting her own media company, The Free Press, which was bought and absorbed into CBS in late 2025 (coincidentally, around the same time she was appointed as editor-in-chief), she didn't have the experience for running a trusted media conglomerate. Since her appointment, she has been aggressive in controlling the narrative being pushed out via the company's journalistic endeavors, especially the acclaimed Sunday broadcast, "60 Minutes." To bring this back to astrology, "60 Minutes" debuted 24 September 1968, while Uranus was finishing its transit through the other Mercury-ruled sign, Virgo. However, it's beginning to look questionable if the show will even exist next year.
The Tariffs: Mercury rules commerce and trade, so expect disruptions in those areas for the next few years. The biggest disruption in 2025, when Uranus first dipped a toe in Gemini, was the tariffs. Companies didn't know how to respond, all of a sudden buying stuff from overseas was super expensive and delayed due to customs confusion. More important to note - the tariffs are a recurring theme for U.S. Uranus returns. The Revolutionary War began as a dispute between the colonists and England over excessive tariffs. Recall the motto, "No Taxation without Representation"? Remember the Boston Tea Party? It's one of the big reasons why the U.S. is predominantly a coffee-drinking nation - boycotting the sale of tea was an easy way for colonists from all walks of life to show their discontent with the taxes.
Iran's Lego Propaganda: An Iran-supporting content creator has been releasing a series of AI-generated propaganda featuring Lego caricatures of the current administration. As a student of popular media and culture, I cannot emphasize enough both how genius this was - and how dangerous. This war started out unpopular with American citizens, especially young people (Gen Z and I'm throwing us Millennials in that group, too). These videos are entertaining, play on nostalgia, have a simple message, are short enough to share on social media, and are paired with music designed to be catchy (if not artistically complex). Because the violence portrayed is cartoonish, these videos are able to go viral in the United States in a way that other Anti-American propaganda (like the ISIS beheadings in 2014) can't. This means it's reaching a much wider audience - an audience that is, by the way, not well-versed in media literacy.
Governance by Tweet (or Truth Social): For better or worse, our President has a habit of posting his executive wishes on the Internet, usually late at night. No judgement - I say stupid things online all the time. The problem is - because he's the U.S. President, yada, yada, yada - people (journalists, other world leaders, whatever) default to taking him seriously. He's a Gemini Sun, folks - this is what he does! And he doesn't have any serious, staid placements to balance it out - instead, he has his other inner planets in Cancer, which honestly just ups the manipulativeness factor. He's going to say something different when he's in a better mood and then pretend he never said that thing that made everyone panic. Even if you can show him receipts. He's all talk and I bet he enjoys seeing everyone scramble when he makes particularly spicy announcement. Gemini loves a sound bite and this is something Trump excels at - making a statement that sticks. Whether it should stick is a whole other conversation entirely.

******

As I've said before, via astrology, we can somewhat predict future events - or at least, the flavor of future events - by understanding the significations related to the current transits (i.e., the topics associated with both the planet and the sign it's traversing). Uranus, if you remember, is the planet of sudden change, revolution, insight, and major disruptions. Hopefully you'll see recurring themes in the above examples, but the following represent a small listing of the classical significations of Gemini:

Communications (all kinds); siblings; extended family; the people and places within your local community/neighborhood; journalism; gossip; broadcasting; travel (short-distance travel, in particular); hands; folklore; popular fiction; television; radio; trains; early education; libraries and study halls; linguists and translators; reporting/reporters; writing/writers; intellect; commerce; wittiness; tricksters; pranks; curiosity; cats; duality; comedians; commerce; trade; mythology; public speakers; snake oil salesmen/grifters; poets and musicians; stories; computers and computer networks; dexterity; flirting; birds (especially songbirds); youthfulness; the mind; the lungs; expression.

And while I can't pin it down in the significations, religion is becoming a major theme during this transit, with the administration beefing with Pope Leo and the integration of Christianity into government activities. While religion is generally the realm of Sagittarius, the weaponization and misinterpretation of religious text and doctrine for worldly gain feels like a purely Gemini past time. It's important to note one of the biggest propagators of Nazi propaganda in the U.S. (during the last Uranus in Gemini transit) was Father Coughlin, a Catholic priest from Boston who used his pulpit and speaking prowess to cultivate anti-Jewish sympathies here at home. The Catholic Church has become a major player in the fight against the implementation of anti-immigration policies. I'd say they've learned from their past mistakes....and yet....hard to not equate the current Epstein Files drama with the scandal the Church is (still) sweeping under the rug.

With the above associations in mind, I have some wide-sweeping predictions for Uranus' jaunt through Gemini:

All Politics is Local: The importance of local races and legislation is going to come to the forefront. The government impact on our community is what makes people get out of bed and vote. That's why the building of data centers and ICE facilities have been effectively delayed - community outcry. No one wants Auschwitz in their backyard or sky high electricity bills. And when local politicians don't heed that resistance, it's going to come with real consequences. One of the best examples of this has been Mayor Mamdani - since being elected and taking office at the end of last year, he has been on a roll. Sure, New York City is a big city with a large population and an outsized influence on the world, but he still only governs a tiny fraction of the United States. And yet....regardless of what you think of his politics, he is making people stop and think critically about the efficacy of governance. He's a constant reminder that perhaps our problem isn't a lack of money, but a lack of leadership.
Electrical Grid Transformation: The Iran War has pushed us even closer to the tipping point of electric vehicle adoption. Gas is almost $5/gal here in Arizona; Diesel is close to $6/gal. This is unsustainable for many people and it's been like this for months. Meanwhile, the only times I've had to think about gas were when I had a rental car (and, in most cases, my company was paying for it). Energy - and implementing green energy solutions - has become an issue of National Defense. Maintaining an artificial reliance on fossil fuels, especially when the cost of renewable energy methods has fallen and other countries are mandating changes to their grid in order to make the grid and their economy more resilient in times of conflict. In fact, France's legislation on requiring solar panels over large parking lots has been a policy I've been telling people we need in Arizona for months (we have full sunshine here like 90% of the year - there is no good reason for a business NOT to do this). I expect change in this area but, like life-altering technologies, progress may be slow and then happen all at once.
The Tea is Gonna Flow: We are in an era of disclosure - and I'm not talking about the Aliens. Believe me, they are going to stay as far away from Earth as possible for awhile. No...instead, we're probably going to learn a lot of uncomfortable truths about a lot of things - our leadership, our country, historical events, how our tax dollars are being spent, and the list goes on. Gemini loves information and there's going to be an avalanche of new details coming to light. Some of this will be good - breakthroughs in scientific research and technology, great journalism and fun facts will abound. The rest will probably throw us off kilter and reveal things we didn't want to know, but probably should've seen coming.
The Golden Age of Grifters: The United States has become one giant casino. Everyone is out to get your money - including the money you already paid in taxes. There's been a notable rise in gambling sites that allow you to bet on basically anything. You can bet when the Strait of Hormuz will re-open (pro tip: Not any time soon). You can bet on if Melania Trump will wear that ridiculous hat again. You can bet on congressional races. There's no guardrails anymore - insider trading seems like the norm, just another benefit of getting elected. The corruption is so blatant that I personally don't have the energy to be shocked anymore. And it's not just public servants - your common everyday hucksters seem to be everywhere, too. Even intelligent, tech-savvy individuals are finding themselves getting sucked into scams. And it'll probably get worse over the next decade unless good policy is enacted - and I wouldn't bet on that any time soon.
Communication Disruptions and Cyber Warfare: You know how Mercury Retrograde is associated with miscommunications and network outages? Well, Uranus in Gemini will be like that but on steroids. In my mundane career as a cybersecurity analyst, I've noted the sharp increase in Cyber attacks over the past year or two. And it has a decided flavor - attackers are going after critical infrastructure. All of the major telecommunications companies have been hit by a certain Advanced Persistent Threat (APT) actor during this time period. Healthcare and schools are also frequently targeted, leading to widespread outages in those services. And, just in case you weren't aware, Russia is fully capable of taking out the power grid - they're doing it to Ukraine on the daily now. And yet....and yet....normal people don't realize or don't care that the technology underpinning our lives is fragile and vulnerable. And, as a professional in this field, I'm concerned we are overdue for a wake-up call.
Journalism versus Influence Campaigns: Uranus in Gemini is closely tied to supercharged developments when it comes to the dissemination of information and "shaping the narrative" becomes crucial during these periods. During the American Revolution, newspapers fanned the flames of discontentment across the colonies. As part of his intelligence gathering, General George Washington would acquire newspapers from across England, Europe, and the colonies, and would pass along essential news articles to other rebel leaders. The Civil War had multiple technological advances in addition to having reporters on the front lines - most notably, the invention of the camera allowed the rise of photojournalists. This period was also characterized by sensationalism, where newspapers would publish outright lies about battles. During WWII, propaganda disseminated via the mass media was critical to shaping public opinion in both Germany and the United States. Currently, independent media companies are gaining momentum - but so is getting news from less reputable influencers. Long story short - get your information from as many sources as possible, go as deep as needed, and analyze what is being reported with a critical eye. If you don't think for yourself, someone else will.

******

Given we're moving into this period of turmoil at breakneck speed, I've given a lot of thought to a singular question - how do we survive this? Well, more specifically, how do I - someone with a prominent Gemini placement - survive this? And while I can't predict how this transit will go for you without an in-depth chart analysis, dear reader, I have come up with a couple of tips to help get anyone - Gemini Rising or otherwise - through the next 8 years. Like everything mercurial, follow it like the Pirate's Code - they're more guidelines than anything else.

Engage in Acts of Whimsy: One of the best things about this period is...nobody cares. Most people are so self-centered that they hardly notice the people around them. So have a little fun - wear sparkly lipstick, have a picnic lunch in the quad, or decorate your house/cubicle for an obscure holiday. Or - heck - wear crazy socks with your suit. Apparently, that's what government officials wear to black tie events so go nuts! As long as you're not hurting anyone, it's unlikely to make much difference in your day, except making you a little bit happier in the process.
Indulge in low-stakes gossip about people you don't know: Gossip is fun....when it doesn't actually affect your personal life or the people you care about. It's human nature - we like to learn secrets or things we shouldn't know, and then bring those tidbits to the watering hole to tell our friends. It builds relationships. No, really! They've done studies on it. The caveat is that, if it's about people in our inner circle, it erodes trust. Spilling the tea about your bestie - not cool! Sharing the deets on the corporate drama five states away - go for it! I think this is one of the big things fueling interest in true crime - salacious details shared between two or three friendly co-hosts....sounds like a (successful) formula. This format also works well with ghost stories, urban legends, conspiracy theories, celebrity gossip, business case studies, current events, astrology forecasts, etc.
Lean in to childishness: Youth doesn't have to be wasted on the young! This isn't purely about nostalgia - we'll get enough of that when Uranus moves into Cancer in 2032. This is about letting your inner child take the lead, especially when the adult brain has been running the show for too long. Go out and play! The other half of this tip is to just be around children. This country has so much disdain for kids, but they are literally our future. Honestly, spending time with kids - whether they be my own or someone else's - is one of the best parts of my life. I love to hear their perspective, because it's so hopeful and innovative and insightful. Youthfulness has nothing to do with age - it's about how you feel. So do things that make you feel younger. It seems obvious but many people struggle with putting it into action.
Learn for funzies: Uranus in Taurus had us learning skills so we could spin up a side hustle, but now is the perfect time to learn something just because you want to. It doesn't have to earn you extra income or boost your career. It doesn't even have to be practical! Gemini teaches us that it's worthwhile to learn anything, if you really want to. And it's okay to be casual about it - you don't have to practice a hobby or a skill every day for it to add value to your life. So try a new hobby, take a few classes, get creative - I mean, you're going to have to do something when the lights go out.
Be mindful of your media intake: Gemini is a sign that likes to hoover up information. As such, it could become really easy to get caught up in a doomscroll or get misdirected by AI slop. Now is a good time to develop media literacy and research skills. Read a good book....or better yet, a newspaper. There will likely be an overabundance of great journalism in the next few years, but it will probably be buried in a deluge of trash and propaganda. Unfortunately, in order to know the difference, you have to read a lot of both. Lean into the detail-orientation of mercury - tracking is your friend. I highly recommend a reading journal or apps to track your various media feeds. This will allow you to become more aware of what content your mind is consuming and to better understand what you're getting out of it.
Go on a road trip: Gemini rules over short-distance travel and now is a great time to see more of this glorious country (whatever country you currently live in). One of the best things about where I live now is that there's a lot within driving distance - Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Diego, Albuquerque, El Paso, and even San Francisco are reachable within a day. And then there's all the wonderful adventure that's already tucked inside Arizona - Bisbee, Tombstone, Sedona, Lake Havasu, the suburbs around Phoenix - to keep me and my family busy for a while. Long-distance travel keeps getting more complicated as world events escalate, so if you're feeling trapped, a quick cure is driving as far as you can to experience a different reality for a little while.
Build community: If you've been paying attention, you may have heard the term "mutual aid" or heard chatter about building mutual aid networks. Mutual Aid is a community-driven practice where neighbors organize to share resources, address and advocate for shared needs, and support more vulnerable members of the community (e.g., the elderly, disables, socioeconomically disadvantaged). It's somewhat of a backlash from the ineffectiveness of government but, in theory, this is what humans are built for and how we thrive. Throughout the last decade, we've become gradually more isolated - COVID definitely had an impact but it's also influenced by how we interact through and with emerging technologies. It's time to rebuild the village. Go to the block party. Join the community watch. Volunteer at your local soup kitchen. Do something that allows you to make connections within your neighborhood. I'm not say we're going to need it (although we might), I'm just saying it's time to leave our caves and awkwardly wave at the guy across the street.

******

This is one of my favorite covers. The original is chill and dreamlike already, but this version turns that dreaminess into something sinister. For me, it calls to mind a darker interpretation of Alice in Wonderland. Much how I've been feeling lately has been reminiscent of Alice's adventures through the looking glass or Wendy's experience when she joins Peter Pan in Neverland. Or when Dorothy was transported over the rainbow. That's why I chose the tag line - we're all mad here. Isn't chaos fun? Aren't you having fun? Why so serious? Maybe that's the question to ask yourself for Uranus in Gemini. If we're not having a good time, why are you doing it? Anyway, I was looking into when Lewis Carroll first published "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland." The book was published in November 1865 - right smack dab in the middle of the Uranus in Gemini associated with the Civil War (1859-1871). So maybe the idea we're going on a journey that's going to take some detours is just another recurring theme.

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

This particular version of "Where is my mind?" was used for the trailer of "Thunderbolts," which is essentially an off-brand Avengers. It's similar characters but something is a bit off. To be honest, I haven't seen it yet. It's on my watch list. But during the trailer, during the opening scene, they start with the original playing in the background and then they blend it into this version during the action sequences. Really well done.

******

If you made it to the end of this, thanks for sticking with me. I had a lot of feelings and racing thoughts and I needed to scream into the void for a bit. I feel better, don't you?

I'm going to try something new, because I would like to hear more from readers. I'm going to end with a question, feel free to answer in the comments - have you noticed a vibe shift since Uranus moved into Gemini? If yes, how so?

"Where is My Mind?" Video

Revisiting My Embodiment Era ("Francesca" by Hozier)

2026-05-15T19:34:43.142-05:00

Now that we're now finally and truly out of it, I'm taking a brief look at how the Uranus in Taurus transit manifested in my life. For better or worse, astrology is best understood in the rear view. It's hard to properly assess exactly how a transit impact your life until it's over and you can see the full arc of the story. Adam Elenbaas of Nightlight astrology mentioned during his latest video about Uranus in Gemini about how, as it transits through a sign, Uranus tends to amplify the themes of the ruling planet. If we apply this idea to Uranus in Taurus, the areas of life Venus rules over - relationships, beauty, art, finances, pleasure - would've become more prominent. And for some reason, something clicked for me. One of the things I realized early on in the transit through Taurus of how I abandoned a lot of the things I enjoyed.

Our trek through Uranus in Taurus started 8 years ago today, on 15 May 2018. I remember that day, surprisingly enough. Okay, maybe not the full day but I remember what was happening that week. I had recently been promoted to team lead of my section, so I was starting a new period in my career. I had gotten a pretty nice raise, which allowed me to fully become the breadwinner for my family. We unexpectedly became a single income household, so that was also around the time we took my oldest out of daycare because it was an unnecessary expense. In hindsight, a lot was happening and it laid the foundation of where I am today. That amazing raise I got? I make more than twice that amount now. The promotion? It set me up to get the certifications and skills that eventually got me hired at my current employer. COVID didn't affect us as much as other families because we already had a stay-at-home parent. I'm extremely grateful now but I'd be lying if all this change didn't come with a lot of inner turmoil. This transit was moving through my 12th House (House of Self-Undoing) and I definitely went through it. Psychologically, probably one of my darkest periods - and I have plenty of morbid, angsty poetry to prove it.

Understanding transits at a basic level is pretty simple. You take the planet's significations and cross it with the zodiac sign's characteristics, and you'll have a good idea about what sort of stuff to expect. To narrow it down more or to better understand how it might affect you personally, you look at what House the transit falls in for a specific event/natal chart and add on the House significations. Uranus is the planet of unexpected change, revelations, insights, and revolutions. I gave a basic overview of Taurus themes above. For me, a Gemini rising, this transit fell in my 12th House, which signifies the subconscious mind, intuition, spirituality, isolation, dreams, and hidden enemies. To find out what this transit may have impacted for you, look at your natal chart and find the House the sign, Taurus, falls in.

Here are a few of the big lessons I learned while Uranus tore a path through my 12th House:

Your value is Intrinsic.

I think this is especially difficult for Cancer and Libra (and to some extent, Pisces) because those two signs are particularly focused on close relationships. Cancer is focused on family (motherhood in particular) and Libra is often associated with partnerships and marriage. As such, it can be instinctual to yoke your value to what you are for other people. For a couple years, I lost myself. I filled my days with all the things needed to sustain my family and my career and in the process, I dropped a lot of the things I used to love. I stopped reading as much. My spiritual practice had faded to nonexistence. I exercised but not as frequently as I would've liked. Uranus in Aries was go, go, go! And when I had a chance to stop and look in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. So when I encountered narcissists and other selfish monsters in real life, my assumption was I was the problem. I wasn't providing enough value to them to be worthy of decent treatment. It's taken 8 years but I finally understand - you're always worthy. And how people treat you is more a reflection about how they feel about themselves rather than what you deserve.

Ground in your own unique vision of Motherhood.

During this transit, I experienced a lot of firsts in motherhood and I also became a mother again, when I had my second child during COVID. As I've written about before, my relationship with my mother when I was growing up left a lot to be desired. It left a lot of insecurities about motherhood - whether I would be a good mom, if I could control my moody nature and quick temper, whether I could raise a family while working a full 40 hours (or more) a week. And, in the throes of postpartum depression, I struggled with believing I could take care of two children when I could barely care for myself. I remember when I got home from the hospital after giving birth. My dad had bought me my favorite takeout meal - Tofu Pad Thai - and while eating it on the couch, I broke down in tears. The only person who noticed was my oldest. He's such a sweet, thoughtful kid and he did the right thing - instead of dealing with it himself, he got my husband, who put away my food and helped me into bed. After that, I had to breathe and take a step back to see the larger picture. Like all things, you must have a vision for the type of parent you want to be - or rather, the type of parent you want your children to remember. This is your anchor - and when you're caught up in the moment, this is what grounds you. I don't want my children to have to cope with an emotionally volatile mother. I've been there....it's not fun. Children need that Taurean energy - solid, dependable, practical, nourishing - in order to grow.

Treat Yo'self.

I personally describe myself as rather frugal. I've always been money conscious and concerned about financial stability. Being unable to support my family is a big fear of mine, one that has grown with my income. And that probably won't change. What has changed is how I approach it. As it happens, the 12th House is also a place of hidden fears so when Uranus drops in, you may be forced to change how you face those fears. Up until the past few years, I wouldn't spend money on myself. I'd be generous with others (I'm a great gift giver) but it felt selfish and wrong to waste resources on anything as frivolous as my own desires. As I've succeeded in my career this past decade, I've come to see the gradual ascent into affluence as a permission slip from the Universe that it's okay to buy myself a little treat once in a while. Don't buy out the whole bookstore, but a paperback or two (and a coffee to sip while you browse) is okay. Hardcover books with sprayed edges won't break the bank and neither will mid-priced luxury skincare. Order what you want, not the cheapest item on the menu. For a sensory experience, some people get interested in wine or whisky - I started collecting perfumes, among other pretty things. And while I still stash away quite a bit of my paycheck for a rainy day, I've gotten out of the habit of denying myself life's little pleasures. Because you can't take it with you.

Get out of your head (and into your body).

I'm coming up on my 5-year Pole-versary in June. It's hard to believe it's been that long - I thought I'd be better at it by now. Objectively, I am - I can do things I couldn't have even conceived of 5 years ago. But I can't do a handstand without pole support. Ballerina is still a flexibility nightmare I dread every class. One side is a bit more wonky than the other and, after injuring my shoulder last year, there are some intermediate moves that have become an unexpected struggle. But I did graduate to the "Advanced" class (and I'm moderately successful, most of the time). I've gotten better at slowing down and flowing with the music during my freestyles. More than once this year, the pole coaches have commented on how strong I am, which is not a word I would've used to describe my physique before I started. After five years, I still love the community and the art form. And I'm happier. Even when I'm not in the mood or it's after work and I'm tired, I never regret going to class. It's become my outlet for all the frustration that builds up from the pandemonium of modern life. For 1 to 2 hours, I'm solely focused on what crazy trick I'm trying to get my body to do. I'm not thinking about work, I'm not worried about politics, I'm not even formulating what I want to write next. I'm just dancing. That's all I need to do. I cannot overstate the value of taking a mental break and indulging in the pure magic of movement.

It's the work that's sacred.

My spiritual journey has deepened to the point where I actively call myself a Seeker. It a moniker one of my favorite authors, Mitch Horowitz, has adopted to describe his adventures in occultism and esoterica. Within the witchcraft and occult communities, it's easy to get caught up on the aesthetics and titles. Putting together a pretty altar layout or witchy outfit is the fun part. Being anointed (by yourself or others) as High Priestess is an honor. But these things may be the results, but they're not the goal. No - the magic comes during the meditation session you didn't want to do because you're too busy. It's when a theosophical concept makes sense have reading your 3rd or 4th book about the subject. When you're doing tarot reading for the group commander and your interpretation leads to him opening up about an ordeal he's going through. It's found in every "oh my god....astrology is real" moment. You can't experience these things - the High Strangeness and the synchronistic breadcrumbs - if you don't do them. In the past 8 years, I've learned that telepathy is real (but you need to be on the same wavelength); wishes do come true (but maybe not in the way you expect); and the Universe is always willing to point you in the right direction (if you want to listen). It's the work that's sacred in all crafts. If I had a dime for every writing book I read reiterating "trust the process," I'd have a whole lotta dimes. But that doesn't make it any less true. Do the work, the rest will follow.

You can do it alone (but you don't have to).

For a sign ruled by Venus, Taurus is surprisingly independent. This sign is also known to be a hard worker. And Taurus is considered one of the more stubborn zodiac signs. Not a great combination - it's big "I'll do it my-fucking-self" energy, almost to the detriment of Taurus natives. And - as I learned - having that energy ruling over the House governing mental health was a problem. I have a degree in Psychology and for a long time, my approach was I'm able to handle this stuff - depression, anxiety, cyclothymia, disordered eating, etc - by myself. And, for the most part, I was able to handle it myself. Then the dam broke and I was drowning in darkness. It didn't get better until I made the choice to reach out to somebody for help. I think eventually I would've been able to make it through - but it would've taken longer, it would've been harder, and I don't know if I'd be as strong as I am today. One of the key things I learned about myself during COVID is I like being around people. It's one of the big reasons I'm not desperate for a WFH job - I need human interaction for my happiness. I'm not a true introvert, I never have been. And while I can do many things on my own - write, pole, work, cook - it feels better to have people around. People you can trust to pull you out when you start floundering.

Don't let life kill your voice.

I started out this transit so hopeful and inspired. You can even see it in this blog - I wrote frequently and the whole vibe of what I was conveying shifted. I can barely believe the posts written when I first started this blog in 2011 were written by the same person writing this post today. My voice seemed so strong - and then somewhere around 2020, it just died. There was nothing in the well and it became so hard to create. And what I was able to pull up from the abyss was terrifying. I remember taking my daily constitutional one day in the middle of COVID (when we had rotating in-person weeks). I was 3 or 4 months pregnant and I passed an old military hotel with a metal ladder going up to the roof. I looked up at this building, which I had seen countless times before, and thought, "I should jump." I didn't, of course - and I wish that had been the extent of my intrusive thoughts - but in retrospect, it was pretty tame in comparison to the other stuff going on inside of my head.
Eventually, after I broke down in front of my OB/GYN during my 6-week postnatal appointment, I started going to therapy. I told my therapist, BW, that when I went through a similar dark spot in college, during my mom's manic episode, I would have this desire to go outside and scream. And she asked, "Why didn't you?" The answer was....it felt silly and childish. And I didn't want to scare anyone if they heard it. I also doubted anyone would care. I silenced myself. A pattern I'm familiar with, from hiding in closets and playing small to not attract unwanted attention. As a rule, I'm very guarded with what I share with others. It's a protective mechanism - my suffering is no one's business but my own. My own burden to bear and so I did. BW's advice was to scream in the car or to sing really loud. It helps, on occasion. Not as much as talking to someone. Or writing. Getting the thoughts out helps better ones flow in. The normal state of my mind is constant chatter, ideas squirming in the white space of my days, as if the words want to leech out of my skin and orifices. It's chaos, but it's my chaos.

------------------------

I adore this song, from the opening line, all the way to the madrigal chorus at the end. It's about Love, it's about embodiment, it's about indulging in pleasure in spite of the consequences - all of which I felt fitting as a summation of Uranus in Taurus. When you go into an experience which brings you happiness, you don't always know how it will end. Often, the ending is sad. Or even downright tragic, as we'll learn from what happened to Francesca. The accompaniment of this song feels all-consuming and by the end, it envelopes you in a sea of angelic sound. It's beautiful and quintessentially Venusian, in my opinion.

Do you think I'd give up

That this might've shook the love from me

Or that I was on the brink?

How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?

Now that it's done

There's not one thing that I would change

My life was a storm, since I was born

How could I fear any hurricane?

However, it's never just the song - although it is a masterpiece - but the story behind the song. Y'all know I'm a sucker for a great doomed romance. I present for your consideration the tale of Paulo and Francesca. For those of you who aren't read up on your obscure Italian history, Paulo and Francesca were real people. In a nutshell, Francesca was married to Paulo's brother, Giuseppe, as part of a political alliance. They fell in love and carried on an affair that lasted 10 years, until Giuseppe discovered them in bed and murdered them both. With a sword, which Francesca tried to block, according to some stories. Quite violent, so much blood. The lovers were featured prominently in Dante's Inferno, which is where Hozier draws his inspiration for the lyrics. If you've ever read Inferno, it's essentially Dante Alighieri's Burn Book. In it, he drags dozens of historical Italian figures, not least of which are those who were his critics in life. Paulo and Francesca, obviously, can be found in the third circle of Hell, which is reserved for adulterers. Their fate is to be blown about by tempests, as they were blown about in life by their passions (the metaphors are thick in the Underworld). For eternity, they must fight gusts of wind to find their way back to each other, only to be forced apart again. But hey, at least they get to hold each other for a precious moment. As you can guess, the song is from Paulo's point of view and that's exactly what he's saying. He has no regrets, even though it ended as it did, and if given the chance, he'd do it all over again. And if he could just hold her again for a minute, he'll endure whatever torture the afterlife has in store.

For all that was said

Of where we'd end up at the end of it

When the heart would cease

Ours never knew peace

What good would it be on the far side of things?

Side note - I always hear the first line as "Think I give a hoot?" rather than "Think I'd give up?" I don't know why. It certainly doesn't fit the renaissance-theme of the whole piece. Maybe it's because I'm aggressively Americanized. I prefer the tale of the Hatfields and the McCoys over Romeo & Juliet. I can imagine our storybook lover - we'll call him Paul - telling the story of his true love (Franny) outside his cabin in Appalachia. Is it worth it to experience transcendent love in this lifetime, even if only for a moment, even if it would destroy you? Old Paul (speaking through Hozier's immortal voice) screams an unambivalent "Yes! Always! Every time!" into the foggy, forested mountains. He doesn't give a hoot! He'd do it again in a heartbeat - faster, harder, more fully than he did the first time! Thus spake the doomed lover forevermore. Uff-da, I got carried away again....

Though I know my heart would break

I'll tell them put me back in it
Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I'd go through it again, ah, ah

When I started this post, I was solidly in my Hozier era. Still am, though less so - we've got some Florence thrown in for good measure. I've collected a couple poetry books, I listen to "Too Sweet" frequently (though not on repeat anymore), and I'm letting my hair grow out questionably long (again). We're in fairytale princess/bog witch territory now - that's how long my hair is. It's giving mermaid. Nay, it's giving hauntingly beautiful yet bloodthirsty siren floating of the coast of Sicily, awaiting unsuspecting young sailors whom I plan to lure to their watery doom. My apologies - this post ended up a bit rambling but I think I've said everything I wanted to say. Please enjoy "Francesca" by Hozier. Video below.

"Francesca" Video

----------------------------

I would like to take a moment to honor the life of Gordon White, who died this past Tuesday. Gordon played an early role in my Uranus in Taurus journey. I re-read "The Chaos Protocols"; I bonded with an old friend over being mutual listeners of his podcast, Rune Soup; and I got into the semiannual ritual of listening to his half-year astrology forecasts with Austin Coppock. Even though I started listening to Rune Soup less over the years, especially after Gordon started going down the "plandemic" road, I still looked forward to those forecasts. I'm saddened that there won't be an H2 2026 episode. At least, not one with Gordon's unique spin on things. I may have disagreed with some of his more recent views, but I enjoyed his insights on magical and occult topics. He brought so many people together and provided a space for many Seekers. I will forever hold close to my heart his guidance to "find the others." May your ancestors greet you, Gordon, as you go on to the next great adventure.

In Case You're Wondering...("I'm Doing Fine" by Marino)

2026-04-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

Where has this year gone? Time is weird. It seems like 2025 crawled all the way to the finish line and now 2026 is hurtling us at light speed towards....something. Who knows what. A lot is happening. Work is busy and more draining than usual. Everyone's on edge, including me. I've been fighting cynicism and nihilism, just like the best of 'em. I'm taking a cue from some old friends - the Stoics - and learning how to "love my Fate" through the study of ancient Hellenistic astrology. Yet again allowing the music of the spheres to connect the disjointed phases of my life and trying to find meaning in the chaos without getting too spun up about it. Just working my way through the Wheel of Time. The book series, I mean, not philosophically. There's 14 books in the series so I figure that'll keep my mind busy for a while. And then I'll move on to the Discworld novels or the Stormlight Archive. Probably both. Eventually, both.

If you got inside my head, you'd see

There's no point in going to therapy
'least that's what I tell myself 'cause I don't need
Another purchase added to my monthly fees

Most of my writing has been offline. A lot of journaling, writing exercises, and outlining/world-building. I wanted to talk through my playlist of the year, because this is by far the best year for it. I think I still will, I just need to build up the momentum. I'm in a slump, but not in a slump. Maybe it's more like I'm in a shadow - and the issue isn't that I'm afraid of publicly writing what I think, I just don't think it matters anymore. In a way, that's a more dangerous thought. That's true nihilism. It's not dark and edgy, the things we do are just pointless and don't mean anything to anyone. I suppose that's where existentialism comes in - we create our own meaning for the things we do, we create our own "why." On the best of days, the idea feels empowering to me. On days - or months (or years) - where I'm going through the motions, it feels like it's one more thing to do.

Am I really fine, or am I just really good at lying?

I don't really know, lately, I've been on autopilot in my mind

Keeps me awake, every single night, I stay up late

I don't know how to sleep whеn I'm overthinking every littlе thing

Going back to the subject of time, I've been ruminating more on its slipperiness. The inconsistency of how our minds perceive it. I work with air-gapped networks and they all run off their own internal time-source. Some are more accurate than others. I don't wear a watch, so I often find myself in situations where I'm relying on computer screens or old-school analogs clocks to check the time. More than once this year, I've seen the time on a clock or a screen, panicked because I thought I was late to my next meeting, only to arrive five minutes early. It's disorienting. More often than not lately, I'm wishing for more time or to slow time down. But, in my experience, the only way to effectively slow time down is to be fully in the moment, like in meditation. Once your mind wanders, time starts flowing again. Only in rare moments have I experienced suspended animation during something I'm enjoying. Even rarer, still, is to experience it in the presence of another person.

Alright, okay, sun keeps coming up each day

See it through my window shades, it's alright

Just passing time, I'll watch it fade, can't do too much anyways

In a small town, hid away, I'm doing fine

I don't remember how I came across this song, only that it's upbeat guitar strumming sucked me in and the lyrics kept me there. It's a relatively short song - not even two minutes - but it encapsulates a bit of what I'm seeing with everyone this year. We're all very compartmentalized. There's this knowledge that something is very wrong but there's a pervasive sense of powerlessness. Jaded is probably the best way to describe it. And everyone - including myself - seems to be so focused on the next thing in front of us. Get a job, go to work, pay that bill, rinse, repeat. So much is happening and yet nothing is happening. I'd say we're all zombies but at least zombies feel hunger. I'm starting to shake myself out of this stupor, though. I want more. So much more. I want more meaning, more action, more passion, more excitement, more joy, more whimsy....more - dare I say it? - Hope. Is this what they meant by it being the Year of the Fire Horse? I feel this collective energy building, like a rocket or a geyser. At any moment, we're all going to blink and land in a whole new reality. The only question is - when?

With that in mind, I'm trying to frame the current doldrums as a period of rest. The calm before the shift. Alright, okay, Sun keeps coming up each day. I'm doing fine. I'm still alive, so I'm doing fine.

"I'm Doing Fine" Video

--------------------------------

I wanted to do a few mentions of things I'm loving right now. To keep myself from listening to news podcasts (which is not at all good for my mental health), I'm listening to more audiobooks. I like biographies, especially when they are read by the author. Recently, I finished listening to "The Vegas Diaries" by Holly Madison. It's quite fun and almost like listening to the "Girls Next Level" podcast. While some of her wording choices felt a bit trite and many of the metaphors predictable, I like her approachable writing style. It feels like she's telling her story to a friend rather than a flat retelling of events that occurred at the time. It's also 2010s nostalgic for me, in a good way.

I also just finished binging "Something Very Bad is Going to Happen" on Netflix. I'm torn between thinking that's a terrible name for a show or if it was a perfect name for what I watched. The show is atmospheric, had beautiful cinematography, amazing pacing, great acting, all the works. Camila Morrone looks fucking gorgeous in like every frame she's in, even when she's covered in blood (sorry, spoilers). It was heavy on the jump scares, which I don't like - but the benefit of watching on Netflix is that you can walk away or hide your face from the screen for a few seconds without the judgement. For me, once I understood where the plot was going, I could kind of predict the end but I think that's more because I was watching from a horror writer's perspective and knew that the story had to end that way (otherwise it doesn't work). Therefore, from my perspective, perfect storytelling, no notes. Because I like spoilers, I tend to read the synopsis/summary of the episodes on Netflix so I know what to expect - for the last episode, it simply says, "Something very bad happens." Very clever, Netflix. Ya got me, I loved it. So yeah - if you love horror (especially the supernatural kind), go watch it.

Hypernormalisation ("The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire)

2025-12-31T20:52:00.000-06:00

This was one of the songs I picked early on for my 2025 playlist. I'm not sure why, but it felt like it fit, and as the year dragged on, it became even more apt to describe the current American landscape. I don't think I've ever featured it...I think I've maybe written on a cover, but never the original. But it seems to strike the right note of...what's the word? Nostalgia? Sort of. Melancholy? A bit. Disillusionment? Bingo.

You always seemed so sure

That one day we'd be fighting
In a suburban war
Your part of town against mine
I saw you standing on the opposite shore
But by the time the first bombs fell
We were already bored
We were already, already bored

Life in 2025 was....weird. And yet, it was also strangely mundane. The images in the news and the descriptions of current events on podcasts were far removed from the everyday happenings of my perfectly curated community. The disparity was - and is - unsettling. Intellectually, I know these things are happening. I know there was a ridiculous (and extralegal) black ops-style raid on an apartment building in Chicago, where children were separated from the parents and zip-tied in the freezing cold. I know people are being kidnapped off the street, outside of churches and schools. Indiscriminately. To include US citizens. I know millions of people are going to be unable to afford health insurance next year. I know there was a totally pointless 43-day government shutdown. I know there's disturbing images and documents being released from the Epstein investigation, the implications of which are stomach-turning. And yet, despite the fragility of current circumstances, it feels as if we're just going to continue on forever in this Black Mirror version of reality.

Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling again

The term hypernormalisation was created by Alexei Yurchak to describe what life was like in the Soviet Union in the decade prior to the collapse. Everyone knew the system was failing but they couldn't imagine a society different from the one they had - they couldn't dream of a different alternative - so everyone just pretended everything was working as it should. Blatant corruption and abject poverty became the norm, and people just accepted it. This is a common reaction - in 1930s Germany, during the rise of Nazism, things didn't change much in the beginning. In his book, "They Thought They Were Free," Milton Sanford Mayer describes how incremental changes caught non-Nazi Germans unaware. A law here, a speech there - it was all very subtle. Until it wasn't. The idea - more like a naive hope - that ignoring a problem makes it go away is enticing. It requires a lot less work and individual courage. In reality, it just allows the problem to become more insidious. Mostly because at some point, they try to paint these ideas as reasonable. It's all semantics and window dressing. They twist definitions and make unrelated things synonymous. They co-opt pop culture and previously noble policy crusades for their own purposes. I don't think anyone would disagree with making America healthy again but when a distinguished cardiologist who made his fortune off peddling contemporary snake oil (Dr. Oz) tells the working class to throw out centuries of medical progress, that's just another grift.

Kids wanna be so hard

But in my dreams we're still screamin' and runnin' through the yard
And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall
And all of the houses they built in the seventies finally fall
Meant nothin' at all
Meant nothin' at all
It meant nothin

At the tail end of 2024, I listened to the audiobook of "Conspirituality: How New Age Conspiracy Theories Became a Health Threat." There's been this notable progression of really famous pagan and New Age spiritualists becoming born-again Christians. One of the most famous in recent history is Doreen Virtue, who made her fortune off creating tarot and oracle card decks, as well as dozens of books on New Age subjects. In 2017, she declared her previous New Age beliefs were "demonic" and started marketing herself as a fundamentalist Christian. Coincidentally (or maybe not), this was around the time that pagan practices and witchcraft/occult books became extremely popular and common (i.e., more competition in the market). "Conspirituality" explains how the COVID epidemic resulted in a lot of historically more liberal communities (like yoga, New Age, and alternative medicine) taking a hard right turn in recent years. Having floated in these spaces since the home computer became a thing, I've always noticed it but it never alarmed me as much as it has in recent years. Mostly because it doesn't make sense from my perspective. There is a difference between choosing to believe and participating in a belief system, and then there's throwing out critical thinking entirely. I'm not sure everyone knows where that line is. And I think, as a rule, we expect others we run into within the witchcraft/pagan community to be a little weird (in a good way) and, in an attempt to be welcoming and inclusive, we don't always notice when maybe the weirdness comes from someplace unhealthy.

Sometimes I can't believe it

I'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling and into the night

There's one last disturbing trend I'd like to call attention to and I'll leave 2025 willingly. Trad wives. And it's not the aesthetic - the aesthetic is quite lovely, which is why it's so popular. It's the malignant undercurrent of misogyny fueling it. And even more infuriating - it's a lie! When you look at the most popular "trad wife" accounts, like Ballerina Farms or Nara Smith, these women are working mothers and (in many cases) the breadwinners for their family. The only difference between them and myself is they have a camera rolling while they do their chores (and they can hire a nanny to mind the children while they cook dinner from scratch). So, we have wealthy, Ivy-league educated business-women telling less privileged young girls to forego an education and a career while they themselves are building up their own safety net. And what naturally follows is a parade of articles of divorced single mothers in their late 30s saying they were wrong about the "trad wife life." It is just the most disgusting scam I've ever seen. I appreciate stay-at-home parents - my own career success has been possible due to having a stay-at-home parent - but this is not what these women are. They cosplay a cottage-core fantasy and peddle nonsense about feminine virtue and living a "soft life" while raking in millions from women who will never attain the level of financial freedom needed to acquire a homestead of their own. They are grifters, they are con-men, just like everyone else on TV.

So can you understand

Why I want a daughter while I'm still young?
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before all this damage is done
But if it's too much to ask, if it's too much to ask
Then send me a son

"The Suburbs" came out in 2010 but I had never seen the music video until this year. The music video, which I thought was disturbing 2025, was probably even more so back then. The music video is made up of clips from the Spike Jonze short film inspired by the album, "Scenes from the Suburbs." The central focus is on a group of teenagers, having fun and doing normal teenager shenanigans. Then, the narrative pulls back and we realize they are in the middle of said suburban war. People are being taken from their homes in the middle of the night, there's gunfire and men in uniform around every corner, a barrier with barbed wire divides the neighborhood. In one scene, Black Hawk helicopter hovers over the city. And these kids are just....living through it. Until one of them is forced into the ranks of the soldiers. It ends with him beating up his friend for some reason. It's a metaphor for the angst of having to grow up....I think. I'm going to be honest - some of the images in this film from 15 years ago feel all to real now.

In my dreams we're still screamin'

We're still screamin'
We're still screamin'

None of this is normal.

"The Suburbs" Music Video

Press Pause ("Dying Star" by Ashnikko, feat. Ethel Cain)

2025-12-19T18:04:00.003-06:00

This year has been exhausting but this last month has taken it to a new level. I've been going through the past several weeks - months - like a zombie, soul-weary and tired. I'm grateful this year is over, not because I think next year will better (on a grand scale, I don't think it will be), but because it means I've survived it. I realize not everyone can say the same. Here at the end of 2025, I'm treading water among the wreckage. I found a door to float on but the turbulence beneath the waves threatens to pull me under. One wrong move and I'm out to sea. I'm taking time off for the next couple weeks. I'm ready for a long-awaited breath of air, where my mind is not fixed on the government or everything everyone is demanding of me from day-to-day. Centered only on what matters. One breath in, one breath out.

The ground reaches out to catch me

Softly in her baseball mitt

I'm tired of the dirt and grit

I want something soft

I'm a fish in a bucket, thrashing

He tried to take me out, hooks in my mouth
Listen to me when I say ouch
I want something soft

I had a lot of good intentions to write this year, but the clock started and I found myself leeched of creativity. And yet, there were moments....moments when the words flowed and I could hear my characters speaking to me. Or moments when an essay started to form. Maybe only snippets, but they were alive. Their pulse beating in my veins, whispering in my brain. Write it down, Jessica. It doesn't have to mean anything but, damn it, write it down. But I was gripped with this fear. Fear that my words may ruin me. May endanger my loved ones. May be misinterpreted by those who want to misinterpret. As the year pressed on, though, the real fear presented itself. No one cares. No one cares what I shout into the void. We are in a unique, blissfully nihilistic time right now. And I still care way too much. And worse, I want others to care more about me and my hopes and dreams than they do. The real fear is I'm merely another product - another transaction - and, despite my best efforts, I'm a boring one. And even if I write some totally outrageous nonsense, who cares? I am nothing and no one. The words I write are beautifully meaningless and for myself alone. And perhaps there is freedom in that.

Oh, to be an existentialist during such an era! To be reminded daily that I am both predictable and replicable is almost to much to bear. I am painfully aware I haven't written here as much as I've wanted. Every few weeks or so, I'll check my stats on this blog knowing they should be in the gutter because I haven't posted anything new in months, and yet there's a spike every few days of thousands upon thousands of views. That's it. There it is. The machines are stealing my words. And I have nothing to show for it, because bots don't click ads (unless you tell them to). A voice cultivated over 30+ years of writing (and life) experience, able to be replicated in seconds. Is this what it feels like? To slowly lose your soul? My sentences, my expressions, my clever turns of phrase sprinkled about hundreds of plagiarized articles and essays. You can imagine how demotivating this can be. More often than not, instead of writing, I've found myself doomscrolling, despite my best efforts not to be on Instagram so much. Every once in a while, I'll stumble across a reel telling me I shouldn't be on there. That I should be reading or writing or studying or doing anything more brilliant than staring at a screen. Like Brené Brown recounting what the People in Charge talk about when they think we drones aren't listening. That they are creating a class of Consumers, while they work towards being known as Philosophers. As a ruling echelon of Thinkers. And I will break out of my stupor, screaming, "No!" No. I am one of the Thinkers. Repeat after me. I am one of the Thinkers. And I have better things to do.

Needless to say, one of my New Years resolutions is deleting Instagram and Bluesky from my phone. And deleting my Facebook, which I haven't really used in a decade and am holding onto for no reason.

So I give in to the fall, fall, fall (it's cold out here)

I need somethin' soft, down feathers over rocks
I died and I land with both of my hands
In the mud, the mud
It felt like a god, how she held me
I slept on her shoulder, I gave her my all (Is there anyone?)
I bathed in her waterfalls
And continued to fall, fall (I'm entering the exosphere)

Astrology, at its core, is a meaning-making system. Like the alchemists and ancient Hellenistic philosophers who came before me, I embrace astrology as a lens through which I choose to view the world and my place in it. We cannot change the stars. We cannot change the moment that we are in. All we can control is how we navigate the cosmic storms. Not that I needed to tell you, but we are in a transitional time. A lot of big movements are happening. As noted before, Pluto is fully going into Aquarius - we're not going back to Capricorn again, we are done with that for another 250 years. We are finishing the last weeks of Neptune in Pisces and we'll be done with that for another 165 years. And Uranus in it's final retrograde through the last degrees of Taurus and we'll be done with that for another 84 years. You and I, my friend, will never see these transits again. So whatever change or turbulence they brought to your life, whatever area of your chart was transformed by those years, it's over. As such, a retrospective is in order.

Uranus is making its last pass through Taurus, which started in May 2018. Back then, in my naivete, I thought I knew what this transit would bring into my life. Boy, was I wrong! My life is completely different from how it was back then. I'm in a different part of my career - I'm at a different company, in a different state, with the triple the salary I was making 7-8 years ago. I earned like 6 Cybersecurity certifications. I bought the house I wanted for my forever home, I bought my first car, and I had a whole other child during that time. And I lived through a pandemic (which, if you're reading this, so did you). My entire mental foundation shifted, which I should've been able to predict considering Uranus was transiting by 12th House. I went through the worst depressive bout I've had during my life, which led to me completely restructuring how I approached my mental health and self-worth. I got back into my habit of reading and started a new hobby I will obsess over until my body gives out (pole dance). And more than ever, I've leaned into my spiritual beliefs. I've learned how to "say it with my chest." I'm much more open about my personal practices and beliefs than I used to be. Uranus is the planet of revolution and revelation. Indeed, that is what it has brought me. Every day, I'm realizing that the most rebellious things one can do in this world is rest, read, and create. As such, I'm actively learning to make time for those things, which isn't easy in the best conditions and is getting harder by design. If you know, you know.

The forest reaches out to guide me

Blue fire paths of will-o-wisps
Illuminate the darkness's old tricks
I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

I asked him not to kill me politely
He drained my magic core, bottled up at the source
I washed up on a sea glass shores
I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

The changes and shifts will continue, and maybe even accelerate, as Uranus moves into my 1st House. I can see the possibilities already, in the short time the transit was in play this year. Everything could change, all aspects of my life, but mostly, it will likely change my perspective. How I move through my life, how I perceive the world. Chani probably said it best in her recommendation for Gemini and Virgo Risings - Be the Chaos you wish to see in the world. Challenge accepted.

Burnin' like a dyin' star

Invasive weeds rooted in my heart

Set in a crooked trajectory

The journey here was hard

I was almost pulled apart

Tryna leave this orbit, took what's left of me

Ashnikko and Ethel Cain were two of my top artists this year. This song, in particular, found me at a time early in the year when I felt especially hopeless. It is a song about finding a place of rest after experiencing a period of turbulence. Specifically, it's about leaving an abusive relationship. It can translate to other situations, though - leaving a soul-sucking job, ending a one-sided friendship, just getting through a rough period in general. In the verses, Ashnikko recounts how she gave her all to a relationship, only to be drained of the essence which made her special, which filled her soul. This is one of the reasons it's hard to leave an abusive situation. It takes and takes and takes, until your sense of self worth is destroyed. And often, it feels like the only way to get it back is to get attention from the person (or situation) that took it. That's why we see these cycles and internal debates between leaving vs staying or leaving and then going back. To break the cycle, it requires a drastic refocus away from that person or situation. It requires a re-centering yourself. The shift is brutal and disorienting - it takes everything you have to pull your energy away. This is where we meet the artist on her journey. The waterfalls she bathes in are her own, she found the softness she needed in herself. Both Ashnikko and Ethel Cain have distinct vocals. Cain has this more ethereal lilt whereas Ashnikko has a more gravelly, raw quality. Together, they create this celestial, atmospheric blend, which complements the metaphors and imagery within the lyrics so well. I hope you enjoy it, I hope it brings you the same peace I feel every time I listen to it.

"Dying Star" Video

Fantasies and Frivolities ("Crush" by Ethel Cain)

2025-06-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have a lot on my mind. It seems the theme of this year has been chaos, which is unfortunate because my words for the year were supposed to be "creation" and "transformation." I don't feel like getting into politics now - we all know we've got a front row seat to the shitshow. And while there's a lot I could say, I'm pretty sure a lot of it has already been said and it's falling on deaf ears. I can scream into the void with the best of them, but why waste the energy. Especially when this blog is supposed to be about music and - by extension - the emotions and memories and associations it stirs up from the abyss of my subconscious. So instead, I'm going to tell you about the songs (and other things) getting me through these shenanigans. Thanks for joining me on the ride.

His window's already passed, so he's shooting at the glass

Keeping guns in his locker, and he denies it
Like it's actually important, but he lied 'cause I sure did watch him
Showing up wearing black, and he knows that

Like much of my favorite music nowadays, I discovered Ethel Cain via an Instagram scroll. I follow a lot of miniaturists and there's this one miniaturist in particular that does a lot of Southern Gothic and horror inspired artwork. She was showing off this miniature church sign she made. The white paint was faded and nicked, the back papered with Missing posters, and the message in block letters proclaiming, "God Loves You, But Not Enough to Save You." I think about those words more often than I care to admit. The song featured on the post was "Sun-Bleached Flies" by Ethel Cain, which is where the the lyric comes from. It hints at disillusionment, with God, with love, with life. The artist (@southerngothicdollhouse on IG) sells a kit for people to make a similar sign themselves. I kind of want to buy it but it's $150 and I don't think I can justify it. To be clear, she provides all the pieces including the paints, so there's value in it - I'm not saying it's not worth the money. But I have a quarter-finished book nook that's calling my name and I really need to learn how to finish the things I start before buying more hobby paraphernalia.

His daddy's on death row, but he'll say it with his chest, though

His friends move dope, he hasn't tried coke
But he's always had a problem saying no
His older brother bagged the valedictorian
His mother, steady, screaming he should be more like him

Anyway, back to this Ethel Cain song - another slow burn obsession for me, it's been popping up in pole class and it's an easy go-to for freestyling at home. Ethel Cain's music reminds me a lot of the early-mid 90s shoegaze-type rock. Dreamy, experimental, a little grungy, beautiful nigh haunting vocals. Honestly, it's the kind of vibe I prefer to bring to the table - to pole class or to work....or to really anywhere. I've heard of Ethel Cain's music being grouped in with country and, I'll admit, there is a Southern Gothic tint to her aesthetic. However, listening to the lyrics, it conjures up the imagery of being in a small Midwest town. Where you know everyone in your senior class because there's barely enough teenagers around to justify a high school. The crush in question is probably not the best guy to be running around with. Hides guns in his locker, wears all black, has stoner friends. I was a teenager during the early 2000s - I'm no stranger to being intrigued by the weird, quiet Goth kid. But I know being the weird Goth kid in a rural town somewhere in the Bible Belt carries a heavier weight than where I went to high school.

Can you read my mind? I've been watching you

(You know it, you know it, you know it's true)
Couldn't fight to save your life, but you look so cool
Camo' jacket, robbing corner stores
Hard odds to beat when you're on all fours
Good men die too, oh, I'd rather be with you, you, you

I've added "Crush" to my Unskippables playlist....I'm past the obsessive listening phase, which usually ends in wanting to not hear a song again for at least a couple of months. I could listen this basically any time now. The point of "The Unskippables" is that they're songs I keep coming back to, that I love hearing over and over and over. Songs I'd put in every playlist, if I didn't have any self respect or mix tape skillz. I've been trying to pinpoint why certain songs capture my devotion and the closest explanation I've gotten to is that they elicit a particular emotion in me. A vision, a place in time, a story that I have playing in my brain. For "Iris," I am both the singer and the person being sung about. With "Desert Song," I am lost in the torment of both my deepest hopes and darkest fears. And with "Crush," I'm taken back to being a boy-crazy teenaged girl, who had a thing for weirdos and nerds and outcasts...

I owe you a black eye and two kisses

Tell me when you wanna come and get 'em

I only want him if he says it first to me
I wanna, uh, him in the back of his mom's Mercury
He looks like he works with his hands, and smells like Marlboro Reds
It makes me so, uh, and I can't get enough of it

I remember those times vividly - having a crush was fun. The adrenaline of running into them unexpectedly in the hallway. Spying them out in the wild, hanging out in their natural habitat (the mall). Or praying very loudly in your head not to be paired with them for a class assignment and then, of course, being paired up with them because God needed some entertainment that week. This has happened to me - multiple times. One of several real-world reasons why I think there's something to manifestation. There's this theory in manifestation circles that the Universe doesn't interpret negatives, so if you're praying for something not to happen, it will happen because you're still thinking about it happening. Don't think too hard about that, you'll get paranoid. Anyway, the B-plot in a story/series I'm writing is somewhat of a love story. The characters are younger - not teenaged, because that's over-done, but pre-to-mid Saturn Return - so I'm trying to put myself in that mindset. The intrigue, the hopefulness of meeting a person who you intensely vibe with and looking forward to the possibility of seeing them randomly (or not so randomly) during the course of your day. Does it end badly? It might. Statistically, it probably will - but it'll be an adventure.

Low slung bad bitch, baby, come and get you some

I haven't written here in a bit. Pushing this out into the void, as a sort of kick in the pants. Work is draining, it's hard to find motivation or will to write but the thoughts are still there. Besides, these little "my favorite thing right now" posts are easy, even if they're mostly fluff. Have a good week, dear reader.

Crush - Official Music Video

A PSA about Pluto in Aquarius ("Session" by Linkin Park)

2024-12-27T23:53:00.001-06:00

I started writing this at the beginning of the year, inspired by a Star Trek episode that takes place in the year 2024 (a synopsis follows). In the Star Trek universe, 2024 marks a particularly momentous point in mankind's history. Now when I first started writing this blog post, I had no idea how fitting that was going to be. I only knew that it contained a lot of tense, transitional astrological energy and that was enough to mark it as an interesting point in time. The latter half of the 2020's is supposedly where all the fireworks are set to happen but 2024 in itself had a certain weird-ness about it. Pluto was in Aquarius this year, but not quite; Saturn and Neptune were conjunct by sign the whole year; Mars is in retrograde and it will retrograde back into multiple signs; and to top it off, this was the last year that Uranus was fully going to be in Taurus. 2025 marks Uranus transit into Gemini in over 80 years and (not surprisingly) it initiates the Uranus return for the United States. You may hear the term "fourth turning" a lot and our Uranus returns have previously occurred during the Civil War and World War II - two points in American history that have shaped the sort of nation we've become. (This is what we call foreshadowing....)

Moving onto the inspiration for this post. The episode I mentioned takes place during the "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" series and it's a 2-part episode named "Past Tense." In the episode, Captain Sisko, Bashir, and Jadzia Dax are transported back to San Francisco in the year 2024, during what has become known as a critical moment in Earth's history. The United States is in the midst of intense breakdown of socioeconomics. The lower classes - those who cannot afford housing, food, medical care, and those who are mentally ill or disabled - have been funneled into huge camps called "Sanctuary Districts." These are much like the "Hoover Towns" of the 1930s, but they're also heavily policed to keep the masses in them. This is where Bashir and Sisko end up, because the person who found them (a cop) decided that's where they belong. For reference, both Bashir and Sisko are obvious racial minorities. Jadzia, on the other hand, is found by a wealthy businessman, who proceeds to take care of her because - I don't know - she's a pretty white woman? That seems to be the most obvious reason. From her standpoint on the outside, she can fully grasp the horrors of the Sanctuary District and how morally wrong it is. Long story short, there is a riot and a hostage situation that eventually leads to the public's attitude and handling of the disadvantaged starts to change. It's arguably one of the best Star Trek episodes to date, but I would also say it's one of the most prescient. Where we are in history is not too different than where that episode predicted we would be. Now, I cannot tell you why the writers picked the year 2024 for the backdrop. What I can tell you is that science fiction writers - whether they're writing novels or TV shows - have an almost mystical ability to look at the society they are currently living in and extrapolate the most disturbing, extreme, horrific outcomes of that trajectory. Ideally, we shouldn't be trying to replicate it (I'm lookin' at you, OpenAI). The reason why Star Trek remains so popular is that it depicts the best possible outcome of our current trajectory - that we get through these difficult times and eventually become a more equitable and forward-thinking society. Although, as the episode seems to imply, we may need some wayward time travelers to help us out.

As I've mentioned in past writings, I've been on my own little manifestation journey. But - being me - the part I've enjoyed most is falling down the rabbit hole. Quantum mechanics. Simulation Theory. Glitches in the Matrix. If 2024 has taught me anything, it is simply this - the reality I'm experiencing is not the same as the reality you're experiencing. And I wish I could understand that better, on every level - physical, psychological, philosophical, biomechanical - in any possible way. Even so, I have this gut feeling that what we want for ourselves, our families, our nation, our future....is not as different as others would have us believe. Aquarius is very much about the outside perspective. When we are in it - like deep in the thick of the situation - we can't see clearly how to get out or even how everything fits together, sometimes. I'm making choice to believe 2024 is a turning point in our history and that we'll get through it. Things will get better but that's dependent on our approach to the challenges we face. I'm taking to heart something I heard Greg and Dana Newkirk talking about on their "Haunted Objects Podcast" (I get my wisdom from some very weird places) and embracing curiosity over fear. Curiosity often leads you to knowledge whereas fear generally only leads to more fear.

After listening to an Astrology Podcast episode about music styles and Saturn transits, I've been trying to thing more deeply about how outer planet transits shape the musical landscape of longer eras. During Pluto in Capricorn, I noticed a growing popularity of modern songs being covered in styles from bygone eras, like Postmodern Jukebox or the cover of "Low" by Flo-rida that sounds like elevator music. Some of the most popular songs over the past decade were strongly influenced by past genres - I'm thinking specifically of Mark Ronson's "Uptown Funk (feat. Bruno Mars)," which sounded like it could've come straight out of the 60s. I firmly believe that during Pluto in Aquarius, we're going to see this trend reversed - old songs being revived with New Age beats, strong techno and synthesized sounds intermingled with classical instruments. Like Mozart and Beethoven if they were covered by Daft Punk or mixed by Marshmello. Some really great examples of this would be the music composed for Eve Online by Steve Jablonsky and the "The Dance of Two Wolves" from "John Wick 3: Parabellum" which I absolutely fell in love with when I saw the movie. Pluto in Aquarius in the 21st Century is the rise of the Cyberpunk Era and it could go one of two ways - bright, upbeat dance pop or a return to heavy goth darkwave. In all honesty, it'll probably be both. I've already seen the resurgence of both in popular culture and - surprise! - everyone is a little into both. Cheerleader Goth is a thing and there are dozens of us! Since "Barbie" started advertising, we're all into Bimbocore, we're all embracing our existential dread, and we're leaning into the absurdism of the moment. I love that for us!

Of course, being ruled by Saturn, Aquarian themes can also be quite nostalgic. Like listening to old favorites from our childhood. Of course, my formative years took place during the late 90s and early 2000s - a fantastic time for music, in my humble opinion. This particular song reminds me of a performance my older sister did outside the Landmark Cafe in our hometown. She did a ballet-style dance en pointe but the music was Linkin Park. It hit that perfect balance of classical mixed with futurism, which I believe will be a hallmark of the next couple decades.

"Session" Video

Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

2024-12-13T21:31:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore. The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed.

… So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake.

… Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic - but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius.

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality.

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

2024-09-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis.

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it.

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels.

"Void" Music Video

Brute Forcing a Path Forward ("Happy Endings" by Mike Shinoda, feat. UPSAHL & iann dior)

2024-03-16T18:12:00.002-05:00

This has been my top track in this dumpster fire of a week. It started with an interview for a big promotion (with a real pay increase, not just the basic bitch cost-of-living bump I was going to get) and it ended with upper management subtly telling everyone I'm getting more responsibilities than I expected. That's how they do a lot of things within my department. They send out a nondescript email on a Friday after everyone goes home. How did I do on the interview, you may ask? Well, I left it feeling like I had bombed it. I spoke later with my supervisor/hiring manager for the position and he said that - contrary to what my head was telling me - the panel was very impressed and that I did well. I still won't know until next week but I feel better about the waiting now. The thing is, with that sneaky little email yesterday, he is no longer my supervisor and giving the promotion to me would mean giving away one of his slots to a different manager. In other words, no one would question him giving the promotion to his "favorite" (take that how you will), which is what everyone has been telling me was going to happen anyway. That's been fun.

Yo, this whole last year was a shit show

Just finding out now what I didn't know

Seems like each time when I get low

I place blame everywhere that it shouldn't go

And that's what keeping me up

Falling apart, man, I keep it a buck

You still act like I'm holding you up

I still feel like I'm totally nuts, so

I had a conversation with my work bestie a couple weeks ago about how to make me look more impressive over this other internal candidate. At first, I was a bit offended. I need to make myself more impressive against a girl who has 6 years less practical experience than I do and still lists her student leadership positions on her resume? Who is on PTO practically every other month, yells at her team, and whose supervisor is doing half her work for her? Seriously?! But honestly, I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. If you're not someone's favorite in this place, it's hard to move up. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from that - I know for a fact that I have my own cheerleaders in upper management who have been singing my praises since I got hired. In fact, I have a feeling one of them is responsible for the additional duties it looks like I have now. Now that I feel like I've proved that their faith is well placed, at least I feel good about that. In addition to being competent at my job, I know I'm likeable and approachable. In a field that doesn't often have a lot of emotionally/socially intelligent workers, I stand out. I'm ranting. At this point, I'm just talking myself up so I don't worry so much about what the promotion decision will be. I'm trying to "manifest" into existence, if you will. Because I'm that girl.

Hey, at least in my mind

I'm feeling like I'm the hero that saves me

There I hold my head high

Get everything right, delusional maybe

If I'm pretending, why not write happy endings

Where I'm better than we both know I could be, oh

Still, at least in my mind

I'm feeling like I'm the hero that saves me

That's my dirty little not-so-secret. I believe in manifestation and practice magic and know in my soul that amazing things can happen in ways that make absolutely no fucking sense. I know they can. I've seen it. I've been telling myself the stars are on my side (because based on my knowledge of astrology, there wouldn't have been a better time for this interview). I've seen repeating numbers constantly this week. I don't know what they mean and at this point, I don't care. Even if it's just a coincidence, I'm just going to assume it means something positive. I was reminded by something I heard recently (probably from some random manifestation coach, tbh) that faith is believing in a dream/wish/desire/goal, even when you can't logically see how it could happen. And that's where I am at the moment. I've done everything I could possibly do to earn this promotion, so it's in the Universe's hands now (well, technically, it's in my former supervisor's hands but I'm just going to trust that things will play out in my favor).

Final note on manifestation, before you write me off as just some crazy bitch: 1) you are definitely right and I'm not going to fault you for that but 2) my interest in manifestation has gotten me out of some serious issues with overthinking, especially the negative variety. It helps me feel like I'm doing something, even if the only control I have is over my own mindset. For example, I have these frightening intrusive thoughts where I imagine that terrible things are going to happen to my babies....in those moments, I just say an affirmation out loud to myself, such as "My children are safe," and it calms me down. I know that sounds super OCD - I don't care. It works. It's better than wallowing in the scary visions. And that, my friends, is why I'm a Manifestation Girlie 4 Life.

They're like, "Hey Mike

You can't keep kicking yourself for the things you say, like

There's some people that you could never make right"

And really, do I wanna sweat shit? No

I don't know why I don't let this go

Hold it inside, let it take control

Tell me what I should've said and I'll pretend to know that

Things come out my mouth that I should probably learn to hold back

Why do I expect to have the patience that I don't have

Over and over and over and over and, oh my God

"Happy Endings" was released in early 2021, but as you can probably tell from the lyrics, Mike Shinoda wrote it during the pandemic. Like many of us, Shinoda found himself in a dark place during quarantine and turned to his creativity to climb his way out. He started doing live twitch streams for about three hours a day where he would play music or do other art forms (drawing or what have you) based on fan request. I wrote about my manifestation journey today because that's kind of what this song is about. It's about the power of delusion to keep us going even when the struggle of life is bleakest. And even I can admit that the key to "manifestation" is just aggressively delusional optimism. In the song, Shinoda raps about all the things bringing him down. It's a lot of self-criticism about the work he's doing on Twitch, like when he misspeaks or says something that might offend one person out of the millions of people who might've been watching his streams. The bitchy comments people leave on his social media. (Why do people do that? Just fucking move on.) Getting upset with himself for taking out his frustration on the wrong people, placing blame on others who don't deserve it.....

Hey....this human thing is hard. At least some people are trying to make themselves better. I think the vast majority of people are way too hard on themselves. They worry every move they make is a mistake, even when no one else can see the flaws. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that it ain't that serious. That's main message of this song - it's not naïve to believe in happy endings. On the contrary, it denotes a certain amount of strength and tenacity.

"Happy Endings" Music Video

Poetic Interlude ("In My Dreams" by Walter Meego)

2024-02-18T04:00:00.058-06:00

I'm comfort watching "Ugly Betty" at the moment. It's been a long time since I watched the original run and it had been one of my favorite shows during the late 2000s. When I saw it on Netflix, I was stoked. With recent workplace drama, I identify more with Betty now than ever. I feel like being my authentic self makes certain people enjoy my presence more....while simultaneously pissing off others. Others who have more influence than I do. I can't help it. I know I come off as naive, wide-eyed, absurdly optimistic....maybe even a bit bimbo-esque in some cases. Sometimes, my snarkiness gets me in trouble. I often speak before I think, especially when what I have to say sounds really clever in my head. I hang out with the "wrong" people because, to me, they're the right people and they've had my back since I started. Always talking me up, even when I feel like a fraud. I know I don't fit, but I still want to be there. I still feel like it's a part of my story, like how Betty feels for Mode Magazine.

This song plays at the end of an episode in Season 2, when Betty's had one of the worst birthdays ever, except for when her friend, Gio, showed up to give her a surprise because he felt she deserved this fantasy birthday that she dreamed of. When she gets home, her boyfriend, Henry, is sleeping on the couch because he was waiting for her. I know it sounds sweet, but Henry is kind of the reason she had a terrible birthday. He let a certain situation get in the way instead of being there for her. This is the guy who claims he loves her and yet he keeps making all these wrong moves. Watching Season 2 is the most frustrating thing because of their relationship - first, it's the "will they, won't they" trope, then they try to keep the relationship a secret from multiple people (for stupid reasons), and finally, it ends with it just being an altogether shitty relationship because both of them are emotionally stunted. And for the record, I don't care how hot Henry is, I was Team Gio from the moment he stepped on screen. Spoiler alert: She chooses herself over both of them. I know there's a lesson in that, but quite honestly, I don't want to hear it.

The song is....well....dreamy. And it sounds like something that's playing in the back of my mind while I'm thinking of....something else. A fantasy. A hope. A wish. Something that is not my current reality and seems unreal and far away and - in all fairness - highly improbable.

********************

Anyway, I made a New Year's resolution to write two haikus a week this year and I have a bunch I've written. I actually think some of them are good so I wanted to share a few, so you can join in this rollercoaster of a year I'm having.

Common sources of inspiration include romance and literature...

I dream of your lips

Saying the sweetest nothings,
Brushing against mine.

Tale as old as time,

Roses, the Beast, and his curse

Remind me of you.

- Beauty to her Beast

...Office drama that bleeds into world events...

Politics at play,

Gossip tells the raw story

You cannot refute.

-Bitch Session

The men on Forbes’ list

Choose profit over people.

Unsustainable.

...And, of course, pole class:

Lifting my own weight,

Such exquisite exhaustion

Settles in my bones.

-A Good Workout

*********************

Last year, I blocked someone who I was mad at. For good reason, mind you, but still...it was childish. We were really close, it was devastating, and it even surprised me when I pressed that button (as well as the emotional outburst that preceded it). It's been several months since I've heard from them but I dream of them from time to time. Recently, I could feel myself starting to get over the anger I had towards them. I thought, "What the hell? Let's unblock them. They probably don't even think about me anymore. They probably won't even notice." I thought it was safe - my IG is private and I don't follow them anymore, so it's not like I'd see their updates. A word of advice - if you blocked someone, just keep them blocked.

I ended up hurting my own feelings. After unblocking them on Insta, I saw that they went to the same part of CA where I was born - including my literal birthplace - for their birthday. Did they realize that? It's possible. They know a lot about me, because I trusted them. Given how large CA is, it's hard for me to believe it's a coincidence. Was it simply one more thing they did just to get under my skin because they thought I was watching? I don't know, I don't care. Pretty fucked up, if it was, but not shocking. I blocked them initially so I wouldn't see this shit so I blocked them again. I'm just gonna stay mad. I'm clearly not over what happened between us, I'm wise enough to admit it. Might not ever be. As expected, they got angry and blocked me back. Which means they noticed I unblocked them in the first place, which wasn't for very long. Good. That's what I needed. My main reason for unblocking them was so they would have the opportunity to block me. Fair is fair. I was about to ruin my own peace again and they've saved me from that. Thank you, next.

************************
"In My Dreams" Music Video

The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

2024-01-14T14:29:00.001-06:00

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand.

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem."

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video

The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)

2023-12-24T14:27:00.009-06:00

We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment.

We hold in our hearts

The sword and the faith

Swelled up from the rain clouds

Move like a wraith

This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.

The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.

Well after all, we'll lie another day

And through it all, we'll find some other way

To carry on through cartilage and fluid

And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.

Summary: A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.

What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes.

Well tonight, will it ever come?

Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead

Well tonight, will it ever come?

I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all

Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.

Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Footnote: I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!

"Desert Song" Video

"Soon You’ll Get Better" by Taylor Swift feat. The Chicks

2023-12-13T06:26:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again. I feel like this has become one of my personal holiday traditions, curated just for this blog. It's been a crazy year and I'll sum it up in a post eventually....but this is not that post. Nope. It's only my annual rant celebrating the 2023 Person of the Year.

In the past, I've posted about my favorite T-Swift songs - of which there are myriad - most of which are sickly sweet love songs. But one of my favorite things about Swift's discography is that it is so diverse. She literally has a song for every type of heartbreak and another for every other emotion a person can feel. This year, I wanted to showcase a song that - to be honest - didn't make an impact on me until this year. Simply because I hadn't gone through the situation. I didn't understand....but now I do. I'm going to warn you - it's not a particularly happy song but it features some of the most vulnerable lyrics that Swift has released (in my opinion). This song is about Taylor's experience when her mom was diagnosed with cancer a second time around 2019. "Soon You'll Get Better" was released later that year on the "Lover" album.

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

And I say to you

As you may have guessed, my mom was diagnosed with cancer this year. Thankfully, the radiation and chemotherapy appear to have worked and, as of right now, the doctors consider her "cancer-free," assuming nothing pops up on the scans over the next few months. However, there were moments this summer I found myself bawling my eyes out in the front seat of my car while listening to this song. Here's the thing - my mom isn't like Allison Swift. She's not a sweet midwestern mama who bakes cookies and calls to chat on the phone. My mom was born and raised in NYC (still has a ghost of a Queens accent) and complained the whole time (totally valid). I'm not sure she prayed, although I did (not to Jesus...but maybe a little to his mother, Mary). I spent a lot of time hanging out with her when I was done at the studio (we rented her a house near the treatment center, which was just down the street). Listening to what the doctor's were telling her and how inefficient the medical system is. Her biggest concerns before going into chemo/radiation was that she couldn't get manicures or go swimming while she was in treatment. She's kind of ridiculous for that. I talked her through losing her hair. Convinced her that it's okay to cut it short and buy a few nice wigs for right now. I know I've written about our complicated history but things are so much better now that her bipolar disorder is under control. And my kids love her so much and I'm happy we're creating good memories with her. Hopefully that lasts a while but I know my parents are getting older. This whole experience has thrown that into stark relief, so I'm trying to make more time for them. That was one of our big reasons for moving back to Arizona, after all.

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror

You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal

I just pretend it isn't real

I'm not going to add much more about Taylor Swift. Y'all know she's amazing (or you should) and there's entire articles out there for you to read on that. I will say, though, that this is exactly why music exists. To express our experience and share it with others. They say music is a universal language and you can see that's true when people across the world vibe with someone's music, even if they don't fully understand the words. Take away the lyrics for "Soon You'll Get Better," you can still tell from the accompaniment that the artist is going through a difficult time. And as for the lyrics, I'm not the only one who ugly cries when they hear this song. It's comforting, to know you're not alone in going through a situation. Music brings people together.

"Soon You'll Get Better" Official Audio

Fall is for Lovers ("Fair" by The Amazing Devil)

2023-11-07T05:48:00.027-06:00

For a brief period this past Spring, I became obsessed with this song. It never fails to make me feel a certain way and isn't the point of all art to make you feel something? As such, on quiet nights when sleep eludes me, I find myself listening to it while I drift off. I'm sure when my Spotify Unwrapped for 2023 comes out, it will be there glinting embarrassingly close to the top of my most played songs for the year. Oh well, who cares? It has a calming effect on me. And it makes me feel somewhat hopeful, even as I find myself growing more cynical of fairytales and love stories as time passes. This song romanticizes the mundane aspects of real true love - not the love you see in the movies, but the love that echoes in quiet moments over coffee between two people who seem like they've known each other for ages. Even if the time they've shared is much shorter than that.

It's what my heart just yearns to say

In ways that can't be said

It's what my rotting bones will sing

When the rest of me is dead

It's what's engraved upon my heart

In letters deeply worn

Today, I somehow understand the reason I was born

Today, Venus is moving into its home sign of Libra and this song, in my humble opinion, is very Venus in Libra. The lyrics are poetic and subtly dramatic in their wording, yet it's sung in such a soft, pretty way, that the intensity is rubbed smooth. The first verse, which I've featured above, almost has a Scorpio quality to it - talking about rotting bones and being carved into hearts - but instead of coming off with crazy, stalker-ish vibes, the singer is painted as devoted and endearing. A little less Joe Goldberg, a little more Gomez Addams, please. Libra, as a sign, is deeply connected with partnership. And while it's one of two signs the Goddess of Love calls home, it's the one more closely connected with romantic love whereas Taurus is more closely associated with self-love. Taurus placements are thought of as more independent, whereas Libra placements hint more at interdependence (or even codependence, in a harsher interpretation).

She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much

And he, he curses at the world

For leaving him behind, and he's falling out of touch

And she is stronger than he's ever been, he knows

She brushes her hand through his hair

He's got so much fucking hair

And he holds her close, just to keep the world at bay

And when they're sure no one can hear them

She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say

Libra also rules over the aesthetic, intellectual qualities of Love. As a Venus-ruled Earth sign, Taurus is grounded in the physical aspects - luxurious settings, decadent meals, and, of course, sex and sensuality. By contrast, Libra, as an Air sign, is often in the realm of the mind. As such, it embodies Love as an idea and it is commonly associated with the arts and the artistic aspects of romance and beauty. Love songs, poetry, dancing (especially ballet), opera, plays, paintings and novels depicting great romances, and romantic films all fall in the domain of Libra. Libra is also considered the sign of balance and harmony. It's fitting that this song's title is "Fair" - it's a word with dual meaning. It could mean that something is just and impartial, or it can mean someone/something is beautiful. Both meanings fall squarely in Libra's wheelhouse. And in this song, the lyrics declare that it's "not fair" to love someone so much. The question is: fair to who? It's not clear, as it seems both sides love each other very much. Maybe it's not fair to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's just something sweet they say to each other when they're overcome with emotion. The lyrics read much like a private conversation of moments in a loving relationship.

"I've seen enough, " he says, "I know exactly what I want

And it's this life that we've created

Inundated with the fated thought of you

And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? Beyond that they're sung beautifully (we'll get to that in a minute), they beautify some of the mundane moments in a relationship and give them a sort of mythic quality, as happens with memories. We start at what I imagine is the beginning of their relationship, when they're in the talking stage. And the guy is trying to make her laugh, because he enjoys making her happy. And that's one of the clearest signs a man has feelings for you - when he just wants to make you laugh when you're feeling down. My husband has said as much - it's important for him that I laugh at his jokes, even the lame ones. I don't always but if he can at least make me smile, he's broken through my icy façade and he's won. Then the song transitions into something more serious - he's watching her get dressed, supposedly after they've made love. It's not clear if it's the first time or the hundredth time. In fact, it's not clear if they've been together for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a few decades. Maybe it's all of them at different points in the song.

It's also important to note that this song switches points of view throughout. Yes, it is a man singing and that's the POV for most of the song, but her thoughts and voice will peek through occasionally so we can see how she feels. We know he makes her ache (the bastard!) but we don't know if this is from laughing too much or because he makes her cry. (Probably both.) We can imagine her lamenting that he has so much fucking hair while she's trying to run her hands through it. And we know that she's the more grounded one, because she stays calm when he thinks the world is falling apart. She doesn't get tossed up in the storm. And she simply smiles at his overdramatic verses. Finally, we know she thinks he's "the cool guy" and it baffles her that she's with him. That last line in the second chorus - "'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool" - always gets me. I've always felt deeply weird and out of place. Decidedly uncool. And I remember all of my crushes on people starting the same way - gosh, I want him to think I'm cool. In fact, I remember distinctly packing to spend a week with my husband and choosing my clothes with the intent to "look cool." Did it work? Perhaps. I just feel silly now for putting so much effort into it. But I was young(er), and when you're young, things like that matter more than they should.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you"

It's not fair, 'cause you make me weep

When I'm just tryna watch The Office with my yoghurt"

And she'll say

"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable

How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do

I'll spend my days so close to you

'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool"

The Amazing Devil is an alt-folk band created by Joey Batey and Madeleine Hyland. And if that voice sounds familiar, you must be a fan of Netflix's "The Witcher." Joey Batey plays Jaskier, Geralt's bard companion who popularizes his exploits in song. And Batey definitely has the voice (and the face) of a bard. Indeed, I will agree that Henry Cavill grimes up good, but I couldn't help but fall in love with Batey's portrayal of the fun-loving, lascivious troubadour. And while "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" was hella catchy, I think a lot of it's success was Batey's strong, clear tenor that didn't feel at all out of place in the fantasy landscape of the Continent. "Fair" is off The Amazing Devil's second album, "The Horror and the Wild." Most of the tracks on this album evoke the whimsical witchiness of the title - a key quality that drew me to their music - which is why a soft ballad like "Fair" stands out. Madeleine does not sing on the track (even though I love her voice too...quite theatrical), though I think it could be turned into a duet easily. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned it into one during live shows.

"How unfair, how unfair, " they'll sing

As they dance across the darling rooftop wreck

He'll trip, and she'll pretend not to have seen

Burying her head into his chest

And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?"

She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come"

And as the stars above them hum and hear them

He'll turn to her and say, "That's what she said"

To quote a YouTube comment I found on one of The Amazing Devil's videos when I was researching for this post: "The Civil Wars left a gap in my life that this band is filling." And though I don't feel the same intense chemistry that existed between J.P. White and Joy Williams (which was rare and exceptional...and undoubtedly fueled the rumors that led to their breakup), I don't think it's needed. Sometimes, you just get two voices that blend well together and songwriters who have a similar aesthetic and musical inclinations. There's still magic in that.

"Fair"

Accept the Loss ("Let It Go" by Lo Spirit and Chandler Leighton)

2023-11-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

One of the actionable habits to reach my writing goals in 2023 is to read more books about the writing process and put the knowledge to use in my own writing. Thus far this year, I've read "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott and recently, I finished reading "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg (and I read this because it was recommended in "Bird by Bird"....you gotta follow the breadcrumbs). I loved "Writing Down the Bones" because - in addition to her advice being both practical and easily digestible - she describes the process of writing as a lifestyle. Because that's what it is. It's not a habit, it's a way of looking at life. And that's how I've always seen it. I write because I have some sick obsession around releasing my thoughts and my story into the void. Although I'm grateful for you (i.e., whoever is reading this) and I hope you get something out of it, I honestly don't care if anyone reads it. The mere fact that it's out there is enough. Every published post brings with it a relief I've rarely found in any other part of my life. But there's also a pain and a struggle to it that isn't easy to convey.

Goldberg draws a lot of her guidance for writing from other writers. Sounds legit - I do the same thing. I follow a number of other writers on Instagram, from aspiring novelists like myself to more established authors (reference my rant about V.E. Schwab earlier this year). In "Writing Down the Bones," one of the chapters defers to Jack Kerouac's advice for better writing and she identifies four that have shaped her writing journey:

Accept loss forever.
Be submissive to everything, open, listening.
No fear or shame in the dignity of your experience, language, and knowledge.
Be in love with your life.

Guess which one I've struggled the most with, especially in recent months.

No peace of mind

It's all I've ever known

My hands are tied

I pretend I'm fine

But my thoughts aren't my own

So I just lie

'Cause I hate not bein' in control

Accepting loss feels too much to me like giving up. And I really don't like giving up, not when I've put so much hope and time and devotion into something. Not when it means leaving something that was supposed to be wonderful unfinished, because leaving it unfinished means it wasn't as wonderful as I thought it was. Not when accepting the loss means that I sunk so much effort into a situation that maybe wasn't worth it. I have to remember this is a normal human experience. So normal, in fact, that it has a name - the "Sunk Cost Fallacy." After investing so much time and effort into something - a relationship, a home, a job - we are reluctant to abandon it, even if doing so would be more beneficial. Even if walking away from the thing will eventually make you happier than you would be if you stayed. So we stay and we throw more time and energy away, hoping it will get better, even though we have a sinking feeling it won't, despite our best efforts.

Natalie Goldberg explains it is important to accept the loss because only then can you process it and use it for inspiration. When something is on-going, we're hesitant to write about it. We're too worried about what other people will think. Or maybe the situation will get better and we'll regret what we wrote because it casts others in a negative light, even if we were writing from a place of honesty and authenticity. Or, most often, we're holding onto a fantasy that provides comfort, even if it's not the most helpful thing for us. If we write it down, all the delusion fades and what you're left with is broken shards of reality for us to examine. That guy wasn't Prince Charming, he was a narcissist who played on your earnest belief in true love and soulmates. That workplace wasn't your second home, it was where your hard work was exploited and devalued. Your childhood wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, you just spent a lot of time in your imagination because you were severely neglected. Those sentences hurt, don't they? Good. Now that you've pulled the knife out, you can heal.

All I do is, all I do is, run away from, run away

All the things that I can't change, like

Growing older, growing older, being scared of, being scared of

Losing friends and staying the same

Waitin' to feel like I'm someone again (Hm)

(I'm just waitin' to feel something)

'Cause I'm tired of bein' the way that I am (Oh)

I learned recently that it's pretty normal to forget about childhood and, inversely, when people do remember things about their childhood, it's usually the traumatic stuff. Even people with an abnormally good memory (and I would count myself among those people) tend to forget as they grow older. Things are supposed to get fuzzy and less clear. Taking that into consideration, I remember nearly all of my childhood. Sometimes so vividly that I have to remind myself it was a long time ago. There are good memories but I realize now huge swathes of that time were not normal things for children to experience. This is one loss I've accepted - I will never get my childhood back. However, what I'm finding is that - after I accepted this - I've really started to understand how my childhood shaped me. I have this intense fear of rejection, which results in either extreme attention-seeking or withdrawal. I simultaneously want others to know me yet hide who I am out of self-preservation. I seem like an open-book but I'm actually really secretive - I'm really careful about who I provide details of my life to. Even so, I'm not above admitting I've made a few bad judgement calls. And now there are people out there walking around knowing exactly how to manipulate me to get what they want. I'm trying to get over it, but accepting that loss - that I've misplaced my trust and must reap the consequences - is a hard pill to swallow.

And I can't seem to let it go

All of this noise gets stuck in my head (Stuck in my head)

And I can't seem to let it go

Tune it all out so I can forget

But I can't seem to let it go

I've thought about writing a fictionalized (or maybe even a partially honest) version of events down, in these situations, like Anne Lamott suggests in "Bird by Bird." It's my story, why shouldn't I? Anne Lamott would say fuck the other people involved, tell the truth - but fictionalize parts so you can avoid lawsuits. (This is a paraphrase but that's the gist of her advice towards the end of the book.) You're not writing it down for them, you're writing it down for you. But that seems decidedly one-sided to me. It's not the whole truth, only one part - should I really write down my naive, delulu (gen Z for "delusional") perspective on the roaring (and at times, boring) dumpster fire that is my life? There's a version of the story where Romeo & Juliet are star-cross'd lovers doomed by fate and a version where they're stupid, selfish teenagers. Both versions are true, in some sense. The truth is always somewhere in the middle and more nuanced than we realize.

Maybe the solution is to write down both. And let the reader decide.

It's messed up

But I'm scared of what's in my head

And it's fucked up

That I'm scared of what's in my head, what's in my head (Oh)

I found Lo Spirit on Instagram when "Running up that Hill" by Kate Bush was having its resurgence of popularity and everyone was doing a cover of it. Lo Spirit did a cover that sounded (and this is how he advertised it) as if it was sung by My Chemical Romance. It's a great cover - highly recommend - and since I liked his style, I went through the rest of his discography on Spotify. He's a new artist so there's not much, but he's been gradually adding more as he releases stuff (which is often featured in his IG reels, as is true with all up-and-coming artists). I found "Let It Go" at that time and fell in love with it. But over this summer, I fell into a minor depression episode - a lot was going on, not least of which was the death of my beloved paternal grandfather - and I found myself playing this song on repeat. I'm feeling better after a couple months of good cries, self-care, and finally taking some actions I should've taken years ago. But when I was in it, the thing that frustrated me most was why I couldn't just get over certain things. Why I couldn't just move on from the situation? Why was I still hoping things - people - would change? It wasn't just sadness I was overtaken by, but a deep well of anger, carrying out shadow arguments in my head with people who weren't there and didn't care. And when I wasn't angry or crying, I was hollow. That was the worst part. I don't want to be just going through the motions. I want a life of purpose. Anyway, "Let It Go" gave voice to a lot of what I was feeling and became one of my favorite songs to pole dance to. It has a dramatic rhythm to it - it ebbs and flows with the verses, and then the bridge comes crashing down at the end (which is a good backdrop for some of the more impressive pole tricks I know). Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did! Video below.

"Let It Go" Video

"What Was I Made For?" by Billie Eilish

2023-07-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

Hi Barbie! As you probably know, yesterday was Barbie Day - the day when the much anticipated "Barbie Movie" was officially released. I am, without a doubt, a Barbie fangirl. I love Barbie - always have, always will. Not surprisingly, we're finding that many women in my generation (the Millennial generation) feel that way. We grew up in the 90s, when Barbie's popularity was really at her peak. It was before the Monster High Dolls and Bratz and the various other bobble-headed options we have today. Between me and my sisters, we had dozens of dolls - and that's not including the dozens of Special Edition Barbies my parents have stored at their house. My plan for when my house is finished (it's currently being built) is to get a display cabinet and then liberate them from the garage. I might even take some of them out of the box! (GASP!!!)

I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

One thing that's important about this era in Barbieland is that Mattel really grasped the importance of representation for children, especially young girls. Barbie has had a Black counterpart for Barbie (Christie) and Ken (Steven) since the 60s, a Hispanic (Theresa) counterpart since the late 80s, and has since had Barbies in all body types, nationalities, and skin tones since the 90s. I myself had a Theresa doll, whom I re-christened "Jessica" (of course!) that largely carried out my fantasy adventures. Beyond that, Barbie has been become an LGBTQIA+ icon, which include the first transgender Barbie based on Laverne Cox released last year. And if you want to see something heartwarming, there are dozens of IG reels of gay men buying their first Barbie, because playing with (feminine) dolls wasn't something that was acceptable for young boys 20+ years ago. Now, seriously, who gives a shit? Dudes, hate to break it to you but....Barbie is woke.

I have read a few books on the history and evolution of Barbie and one thing that becomes glaringly obvious is that Barbie is a feminist icon. Now, I have known many a girl who will protest, pretentiously claiming, "Oh, I never played with Barbies" to whom I'd say: Bitch, you ain't special. Such women wear this as a badge of honor, refusing to acknowledge how the influence of this 11 1/2 inch doll has fundamentally shaped their status in society for the better. Before Barbie, a woman working outside the home was rare and temporary. In fact, the only dolls girls had to play with before Barbie were baby dolls - because a little girl was expected to become a mother some day. A woman going to college for an advanced degree was an anomaly. The mere idea of a woman being a doctor, an astronaut, or anything other than a housewife and a mother was a fantasy. After Barbie, the ambitions of whole generations of women changed. Barbie was the first female Presidential candidate, a giant leap Mattel made after Geraldine Ferraro's historic run as the first Vice Presidential nominee...and she's been running every four years ever since. When you stop to think about it, there are so many careers open to women because Barbie did it first. She put the idea out there and the women of America (and indeed, the world) ran with it and wouldn't back down. That is the power of imagination and imaginative play.

Takin' a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real

Just somethin' you paid for

What was I made for?

Let's look at the astrology of Barbie Day, because it was significant from an archetypal standpoint. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Greta Gerwig - or possibly even the studios - intentionally elected this day because of the astrology. First off, this entire week has been significant in terms of major transits - Mars in Virgo was squaring Saturn in Pisces, the nodes switched onto the Aries-Libra axis, and we're ending the week with the Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, Venus stationing Retrograde in Leo, and finally, the Sun moves into Leo mid-Saturday (i.e., today). For those who don't keep track of astrological transits, that is a lot for one week. And I don't know about you but, boy, I felt it! Possibly one of the craziest weeks I've had in an already crazy year.

The transits I feel most directly reflect the plot of the Barbie Movie are the nodes moving to the Aries-Libra axis, Venus Retrograde, and Sun opposite Pluto - ordered from least to most significant. The switch to the Aries-Libra axis is straightforward - Aries is the sign of Independence, Leadership, and Individuality whereas Libra is the sign of Partnership, Cooperation, and Aesthetics. Barbie is known to be pretty, kind, smart, helpful, talkative, fashionable....but perhaps just a little bit vapid. This is the quintessential, one-dimensional description of Libra. Ruled by Venus, Libras prefer to be in relationship and independence is difficult. In the movie, Barbie chooses to leave BarbieLand to discover things on her own, to pursue her own Hero's Journey - this is a very Aries-like choice. We can intellectualize the Aries-Libra axis as the Lover vs Fighter question - to succeed, we need to be a little of both. We need to be able to speak for our own needs, desires, and boundaries, while still remaining in connection with others. This isn't easy and it's a lesson we'll all be working through over the next 18 months.

Venus is stationing Retrograde in Leo today so, at the time of the Barbie premiere, Venus was completely stopped in the sky. Venus in Leo is flamboyant, dramatic, generous, excessively romantic - a bold and fiery lover. However, when Venus stations Retrograde - in any sign - we may see the shadow side of her core concerns - relationships, beauty, harmony, personal values, luxury and finances - come out. Venus Retrograde is much like Inanna's journey to the Underworld. The Goddess must turn inward and look at who she is without all the vestments that supposedly make her divine. This is not unlike what happens to Barbie in the movie (based on the trailers I've seen) - she has to find out who she is without her perfect Barbie accessories and lifestyle to define who she is. On a worldwide scale, we may be taking a deep look at how much we get back for what we give (as you may have noticed from all the labor strikes, especially the SAG-AFTRA....acting and actors are closely associated with Leo). Leo is the sign of generosity, courage, creativity, and living authentically from the heart. Over the next 40 days, we'll be put in situations that force us to take a look at if we're embodying those things in the area of our chart that Leo rules (for me as a Gemini Rising, that's going to be the 3rd House, which covers Communication, Community, Early Education, Transportation, and Siblings/Extended Family).

Finally, it's important to note that the chart of The Barbie Movie, is a Cancer Sun, with the Sun opposite Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn. Cancer is known to be a softer, more feminine sign - womanly arts and values, like motherhood, creative hobbies, and protection, all find a comfortable outlet in this sign. Additionally, Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, has a Cancer heavy chart and she's a Cancer Rising, which means the Moon is her chart ruler. The Moon, even more than Venus, represents the Feminine aspect, and - like me - Robbie's Moon is in Scorpio, which is basically the Moon's least favorite place. In this opposition, Pluto is strengthened because 1) it's in Capricorn, a sign where it flourishes and 2) it's Retrograde, which tends to increase the potency of any planet's influence. Archetypically, with the planets on the Cancer-Capricorn axis, we can see an underlying struggle between comfort and ambition, home and work, emotional security and financial security. Cancer wants to go towards they feel emotionally safe, towards authentic connection, whereas Capricorn can tend to put those things aside as long as the image they portray is perfect. The plot of the movie is basically Barbie having an Existentialist Crisis. She is living the "perfect dream life" but she doesn't know why she exists, who she is, or even if that's who she wants to be. She experiences a Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS), which doesn't necessarily always look all dark and serious a la Oppenheimer. In fact, "Oppenheimer" is a good foil for "Barbie" because it shows a different side of what is essentially the same experience. Sometimes, a DNOTS is grappling with the great questions of who we are and questioning the value of what we're putting out into the world; sometimes, it's just fumbling through everyday life as if we don't know what we're doing (even if we thought we had a good idea the day before).

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

You may have noticed it but we're in the throes of a great philosophical battle between Existentialism and Nihilism. Nihilism is the philosophy that there is no meaning in the world and nothing one does matters (the underlying message being....so just do whatever you want); whereas Existentialism argues that we need to create the meaning for ourselves. Nihilism fuels excess consumption and meaningless relationships with both people, inanimate objects, and nature. Even with The Barbie Movie, I have never seen a film more beneficial for pop culture materialism, with Barbie collaborations happening for everything ranging from food and clothing to interior decor and vacations. However, I've also seen an outpouring of independent creation from her fans and a renewed interest in uplifting Barbie to a role she has always held - a symbol of the people.....a role model for the younger generation.....and as an egalitarian icon.

Due to the amazing marketing that resulted from both the movies opening on the same day, one cannot speak on "The Barbie Movie" without mentioning "Oppenheimer." For the record, I want to see both and I love that people have turned this into an opportunity for a double feature (a pastime the public rarely engages in anymore due to the increasing costs of going to the cinema). "Oppenheimer' deals with an entirely different kind of existentialist crisis - Man versus the destructive nature of his Creation. It's a theme you may most readily recognize from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein." True story - the first nuclear explosion occurred on 16 July 1945. The ultimate symbol of destruction is a Cancer Sun. And Pluto in Cancer ruled over The Great War era (which happens to coincide with on of my favorite aesthetics, Dieselpunk). Let's not downplay it - the atomic bomb is one of the most amazing feats of engineering and physics mankind has ever achieved. But it's also, by far and away, the most destructive and ever since that July day in the New Mexico desert, the threat of Nuclear Armageddon has weighed on humanity. It brings to mind the ghosts of legacy, because the atomic bomb is a part of my family history. My grandparents worked on The Manhattan Project - my grandfather's work is what made such a creation possible. And it's a surreal experience seeing two things that shaped my childhood - Barbie and fond memories of Los Alamos - brought to the big screen. It's humbling to see the interconnections between these seemingly disparate movies and my own life.

Think I forgot how to be happy

Somethin' I'm not, but somethin' I can be

Somethin' I wait for

Somethin' I'm made for

This song was written by Eilish specifically for "The Barbie Movie." Unlike a lot of the rest of the soundtrack - which is full of upbeat dance-pop, such as Dua Lipa's "Dance the Night Way" - Eilish's contribution embraces the melancholic side of the existentialist musing found throughout the film's plot. Eilish's voice has that seductive sadness that fits the theme of the movies so well. The music video for the song features Billie Eilish, who looks as young as she is, setting up Barbie's dream closet. After the first couple verses and chorus, she's assaulted by a storm...but she persists. When the storm ends, she cleans up and lays her head down, a quick moment of surrender before she runs off.

"What Was I Made For?" Official Video

Breaking the Algorithm

2023-06-02T22:15:00.001-05:00

One of my resolutions this year is to fall down the rabbit hole more, i.e., doing far more research into things than is healthy. Basically, entertain my fleeting obsessions while I'm still interested in them. As you know, one of my favorite things is music, which means one of my favorite phone apps is (mais bien sur). As you may have guessed, I pay for Spotify Premium. Aside from my digital library card (which is free), the two subscriptions I cannot live without are the membership to my pole studio and Spotify Premium. These are self-care for me and non-negotiables in my budget. As such, I genuinely enjoy Spotify Unwrapped Day and look forward to the insights it provides me. For example, I listen to nearly 2.5 hours of music and podcasts a day (between my commute to work, my studio, running/at home pole sessions, and my kids' bath time, those minutes add up). And apparently, I'm in the top 7% of Taylor Swift listeners (give me a break - as noted, I listen to way more music than the average person, which means even it I listen to a moderate amount of T-Swift, it's going to be more than the average person). Finally, Spotify gives everyone a "listening personality." And here's where the rabbit hole starts.

For 2022, my listening personality was the "Early Adopter." Okay, sure....I can agree with that. But then, everyone else I know is also an "Early Adopter".....well, except my coworker who mostly listens to K-pop and gangsta rap. He got the "Adventurer" and that's when I started getting curious. What goes into this "listening personality"? Spotify knows everything about my listening habits - how many paranormal podcasts I'm subscribed to; how many episodes of manifestation podcasts I paid attention to (even though they all say the same thing and recycle each other's bullshit); how many hours of T-Swift I actually consumed; how often I look up songs I hear on IG reels; my favorite playlists for every type of situation in my life; and the list goes on. Spotify knows all my dirty secrets.....and yet, my listening personality is still the same as everyone else? Curiouser and curiouser. I wasn't even sure there were other personality types. And thus, I consulted Dr. Google.

Surprise! There's actually a lot of data analytics and musicology that goes into the Spotify Listening Personality. It's basically a personality test, similar to the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator (MBTI), which scores a person's listening habits on four different spectrums:

Familiarity (F) vs Exploration (E) - Do you mostly listen to music you're familiar with? Do you tend to stick with one genre or a few artists? Or do you tend to explore other genres, artists, styles, etc?
Timelessness (T) vs Newness (N) - Basically, this is about your preference for listening to the Billboard Top 40. Are you only listening to new music right when it comes out or do your tastes span the range of musical history, defying genres and style periods?
Loyalty (L) vs Variety (V) - Do you tend to listen to songs on repeat or do you prefer to listen to a multitude of songs before going back to familiar favorites?
Commonality (C) vs Uniqueness (U) - This speaks to the popularity of the artists you listen to. Do you tend to listen to artists who have fans in the tens of millions (like, um, Taylor Swift) or do you prefer unknown, obscure artists (for example, Johnny Goth...love him!) who maybe only have a few thousand followers?

After the number crunching, the combinations of these four spectrums should spit out 16 distinct personalities. Given these descriptions, I was kind of surprised I got the Early Adopter (EVNC). Yes, I'd agree that I tend towards Exploration and Variety, but then I think my tastes veer more towards Timelessness and Uniqueness (damn it....my love of T-Swift clearly probably messed up my rankings). Then I started to wonder....well, how do we influence the data if we wanted to get one of the other Listening Personalities? Well, to understand that, you need to better understand the full spectrum of Listening Personalities. Here is a brief description of each:

Early Adopter (EVNC) - The Early Adopter is always looking for the next big thing. They may find new music through the radio or social media, and they tend to be a tastemaker. The Early Adopter tends to have an ear for what might be popular in the near future but they get bored easily. Onto the next song.
The Adventurer (EVNU) - This listener is always looking for their new favorite song. The Adventurer wants to hear something they've never heard before....and that they might choose to never hear again. This listener explores genres and the latest releases to curate a vibe that is truly unique on the music scene.
The Deep Diver (FTVU) - This type of listener knows what they like and will seek out more of the same. The Deep Diver might dive into a single artist's discography but might also try out the artists listed in the "Similar Artists" panel. Listen and repeat.
The Devotee (FNLU) - Similar to the Deep Diver, this type of listener has one or several favorite artists that they have on repeat. The Devotee tends to hang out in the "This Is..." section of Spotify but may go through a single artist's entire discography simply because all of their favorite songs are by this particular person or band.
The Replayer (FTLU) - This listener always goes back to their old favorites. The Replayer might have a lot of favorite songs but they're probably not going to venture outside of their comfort zone very often. Their repertoire may dip into several decades, especially music and genres that were popular during their childhood.
The Connoisseur (FTLC) - The Connoisseur tends to stick to what has held up over time. Old classics that are still popular and new hits that seem to follow the same trend. Not particularly adventurous, the music this listener enjoys tends to have a common thread running through it.
The Maverick (ETLU) - This listener's favorite band is someone you've never heard of in a genre you probably never listen to. The Maverick's tastes are eccentric and they wouldn't be caught dead listening to the Billboard Top 40.
The Fan Clubber (FNVC) - Once this listener finds an artist they really like (whether they're popular or undiscovered), they go all out in their support. The Fan Clubber is the one sharing the artist's music with friends, singing their praises on Tik Tok and IG, and who is subtly popping their songs into their playlists. These are the listeners who find the music before the Early Adopters - Early Adopters may make an artist popular, but the Fan Clubbers make sure the music is heard in the first place.
The Top Charter (ETLC) - This listener loves a hit. The Top Charter usually gets into an artist when they're at the top of their game, when you can't escape their music on the radio. They're playlists tend to be filled with all the songs that hit the Top 40 at some point, regardless of genre.
The Enthusiast (FNLC) - The Enthusiast is similar to the Deep Diver and the Devotee, except they tend to focus most on a singular artist (Hello Swifties!) They are deeply supportive of their favorite artist but their fandom goes beyond even the Fan Clubber. Not only are they listening to the latest release, but they're buying all the merch and going to all the shows. Even if tickets cost $1000 for nosebleed seats.
The Time Traveler (ETVU) - Similar to the Adventurer, except the time period the music was created has little importance. The Time Traveler is always looking for their new favorite song or artist, regardless of the genre or time period it was created in. This person tends to have a diverse taste in music and was voted most likely to be bummed a band broke up.....20 years after it happened. (NOTE: This is the type of listener I actually think I am.)
The Musicologist (ETVC) - Similar to the Time Traveler, except these listeners tend to be more focused on a particular genre or time period. The Musicologist is a specialist at heart....if they're into Emo and Pop Punk, they know all about the music that came out in the early 2000s. If they're into Country music, they know who won the CMT award for Best Female Vocalist in 1992 (it was Mary Chapin Carpenter....I did the googling for you), and if they like Disco, you can bet they know all the best tunes for doing the Hustle.
The Nomad (ENLU) - The Nomad explores far and wide to find their music. This listener often has songs from other countries in multiple languages throughout a wide variety of genres. Perhaps they found their latest listen while traveling abroad, after checking out the local music scene. They enjoy finding undiscovered gems and when they find a good one, it will stay in their hearts (and on their playlists) forever.
The Voyager (ENLC) - Similar to the Nomad, the Voyager is also searching the world for a new hit. However, they do have a comfort genre and all their favorite songs, regardless of origin, will sound a little bit similar. Maybe they have a sweet tooth for sugary Pop, whether it comes from Korea, Germany, or the USA. Or perhaps they're really into R&B, even if it's sung in Farsi. They know the elements they like and that always translates.
The Jukeboxer (FTVC) - This listener has a multitude of favorites they're always coming back to. The Jukeboxer is the master of the playlist but the same song might be on all of them. They tend to stay in their comfort zone, but it's a pretty big comfort zone that extends from classic oldies to new hits.
The Specialist (FNVU) - The Specialist is similar to the Musicologist, but with less depth. They do have discerning tastes and they're not particularly venturesome, but once they find an artist they like, they'll keep coming back. They might not be as wildly passionate about an artist as the Fan Clubber or the Enthusiast, but they will catch a concert if their favorite artist is in town.

Now you know everything I know about listening personalities. Thus, I've set out on a mission. In order to shake things up, I've been taking the scenic route on my listening voyage. Instead of sticking to my usual playlists, I've been exploring more genres I don't listen to as often, diving deep into the discography of artists I've just discovered, and checking out more tunes from other countries (a lot of K-Pop and Latin music like cumbia and reggaetón). I want to see where I end up on the above spectrum when I get out of my shell and truly attempt to become a well-listened individual. It's been fun and definitely different. I've become obsessed with a ton of new music lately that I've wanted to write about for months now.

Full disclosure: I started writing this blog post in January. As you may have noticed, it's June now. That is how my 2023 is going....I've hardly had time to catch my breath. Even so, I'm finding I have a new idea for a blog post almost weekly. The execution, however, has been a bit delayed. Between kids, pole training, being promoted at work (i.e., mo' money, mo' problems), and family issues, I've barely had time to do daily pages. I get up at 4:30AM just to write a couple pages for 30 minutes. And, although daily pages technically counts as writing, I don't really feel like it is, so my new writing goal is to try and finish the stuff I've started in this blog. Which, embarrassingly, includes like 10 posts that are currently in draft (nothing but a title and a few notes about where my train of thought was that day). I think I can commit to one post a week, at least for the next few months. That is my new goal for 2023....in addition to the rabbit hole diving.

Manifesting your dream life is about commitment - to daily habits, meeting goals, and living your values. That has been my major lesson thus far in 35th year around the Sun. More to come.

A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

2023-01-06T06:52:00.011-06:00

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause. No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

2023-01-01T00:00:00.007-06:00

For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites:

NOTE: I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

"The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
"Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
"The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
"Kindred" by Octavia Butler
Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

"Desire" by Meg Myers
"Lower" by TENDER
"Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
"Fire for You" by Cannons
"Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
"Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
"Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
"Big Energy" by Latto
"She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility.

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video

"Neptune" by Sleeping At Last

2022-12-20T06:47:00.002-06:00

Sleeping At Last has a song about each of the planets. I learned about this, because they brought up the song, "Saturn," on an episode of "The Astrology Podcast." They said it was a beautiful song - and it is - but I felt "Neptune" to be more fitting, since today is the final day of Jupiter's co-presence with Neptune in Pisces. Both rulers of the sign being co-present is a powerful influence, and the power of the Great Benefic (Jupiter) kind of ups the ante with what Neptune often brings us. Neptune's symbolism is that of fantasy, escape, mysticism, haziness, dreams, and confusion. It rules over imagination and substance abuse, the two great tools in an Escape Artist's box. When in Pisces - as with any planet in its home sign - these themes get a double whammy and it can be hard to extract ourselves from the mist of illusion and delusion. It's possible, but it's hard. There's power in fantasy, but it's important not to get trapped there.

This idea reminds me of the bubble scene in "Labyrinth." Jareth has drugged Sarah with a poison peach and she finds herself immersed in her deepest fantasy. Dressed in a ballgown, trying to weave her way through the dancing bodies at the Masquerade, she comes face-to-face with The Goblin King. The Goblin King himself is a fantasy. I mean - come on - he's literally David Bowie. I can safely say he was my first real celebrity crush and my introduction to "the bulge," which I don't think I even registered as a child. There was a layer of perfect masculinity in the way he played the character - cruel but sensual, obsessive but distant, playful yet still cool. He may have played with Sarah but he gave her exactly what she wanted - an escape from what she felt was an unbearable life. And so she finds herself in his arms, falling in love with this flawless illusion he's created for her, and she's forgetting why she's there and where she's going. Like all great heroines, she saves herself by shattering the illusion - her dream - and breaking the hold he has over her. The lesson here is, sometimes, you have to shatter the illusion of your fantasy in order to bring to fruition a reality even greater than you could have ever imagined. After revisiting this scene, I feel it's a great metaphor for these last few hours with Jupiter in Pisces. Enjoy the fantasy while it lasts but when Jupiter returns to Aries, it's going to be time to put things into action.

Pitch black, pale blue

There was a stained-glass, variation of the truth

And I felt empty-handed

You let me set sail with cheap wood

So I patched up every leak that I could

'Til the blame grew too heavy

Meanwhile, Mars has turned retrograde in Gemini and is tearing up my 1st House. Scorpio season, in general, was rough for me. Health issue after health issue. For astrological context, Scorpio rules my 6th House, which rules over health, and Scorpio's ruler, Mars, being in the 1st House, which deals partly with the body and appearance of the native. It started with me tearing up my hands after making an executive decision to stay for Open Pole after class one Saturday; continued with a rough cold that had me sleeping through a whole day; and ended with massive pain in my right lower wisdom tooth which resulted in getting all my wisdom teeth taken out right before Thanksgiving. The message from the Universe has been quite clear - I need some rest, because I've been going at breakneck speed since last Scorpio Season. I have missed more pole classes this last month than I've missed since I've started at this studio. Ironically, the last month has also come with the most successes and breakthroughs in my pole practice. I can finally do a proper Inside Leg Hang, my Inversions are stronger than ever, I can do a Ballerina on both sides, and I've mastered the Star Gazer. Proof that rest can be productive, too. A PSA from the North Node transiting Taurus.

Stitch by stitch, I tear apart

If brokenness is a form of art

I must be a poster child prodigy

Thread by thread, I come apart

If brokenness is a work of art

Surely this must be my masterpiece

I've been going through a hibernation year. Age 35 is a 12th House year. It usually ends up being a time for rest, solitude, and turning towards internal processes. I feel like I've been in a cocoon. Still active but everything is happening beneath the surface. Gestating ideas, refining next steps, making plans, a lot of learning about myself and the world around me. At this point, things are starting to bubble over, like inspiration is forcing it out of me. I wrote a poem the other day. Just out of the blue, the words came. And even today, I feel like it's still a good (enough) poem - it says what I was wanting to say, what I was feeling in that moment. I think trying to fix it and make it better might even ruin it, and that's when it's time to stop. I want to harness this energy, try to integrate it into my life so it's always there. A flame to be tended. I suppose that's fitting for this time of year - Sagittarius Season is about keeping the faith in darkness. Hence all the Festivals of Light that take place during this time of year. It's about having faith, even when the world around you is reflecting the opposite.

As we enter Capricorn Season this week, I'm formulating a plan for where I want to go in 2023. Because Jupiter in Aries is about action - it's time for the dreams you had during the Jupiter in Pisces era to become real. That's the hope, isn't it? That's why manifestation is so popular right now - we've all got big dreams but don't know how to make them real. The vibe during any Aries transit is "Just do it - Ready, Fire, Aim." So where are you aiming?

I'm only honest when it rains

If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth
I wanna tell you, but I don't know how

I'm only honest when it rains
An open book, with a torn out page
And my inks run out
I wanna love you but I don't know how

The lyrics of "Neptune", rather fittingly, describe where one often finds themselves on a spiritual journey. Spirituality is one of those things that Neptune rules, and it's influence over such things becomes especially powerful when its floating through Pisces. The singer is recognizing and accepting his flaws, acknowledging the hurt he's done to others and how others hurt has shaped him and his actions. The chorus echoes the line, "I want to love you but I don't know how." I think we've all been there. I'm not sure who he's speaking to - his lover, his parents, a stranger, his child - maybe he's speaking to all of them, in a way. The music itself is hopeful yet lonely, like he's reaching out but not expecting anything back (even though he desperately wants something....what that is, I couldn't tell you). It's a vibe I feel frequently, and it's likely only to get worse in 2023, when Saturn enters Pisces. Saturn won't just let us mope - no, we have to turn that pain and loneliness into art or some shit. I'm only half joking but 2023 is a year of massive astrological change, which (theoretically) could show up as major upheavals in society and in individual lives (depending on your natal chart). It should be fun...who doesn't like a little chaos with their coffee?

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I don't know how

I wanna love you but I don't know how
I wanna love you but I don't know how
I wanna love you

Finally, I highly recommend checking out Sleeping At Last's Astronomy playlist. These are songs he wrote inspired by various astronomical events that have happened over the last few years. They're beautiful - a few even made me cry. Specifically, June 30, 2018 and July 4, 2020 - the latter being written around the time of the Lunar Eclipse in Capricorn that was opposite my natal Sun. Having an eclipse on or near your birthday portends an impactful year in your life....and it was. I also learned the Earth's aphelion - or the farthest it is away from the Sun - always occurs on or around July 4. Which, astrologically speaking, gave me new insight into my life and purpose. Definitely a playlist for lovers of the stars.

"Neptune" Music Video

It's that time of year again....

2022-12-13T06:43:00.004-06:00

It's T-Swift's birthday! She's 33 years old today and, of course, super busy. As a Scorpio Rising, this past year has been an eventful one with eclipses happening in her 1st House (Self) and 7th House (partnerships). As I predicted, she did get engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, shortly after the Spring eclipse season. She played a minor role in "Amsterdam," which was released in October 2022. And right before this past eclipse season, she released a brand new album, "Midnights," which includes collaborations with notable singer-songwriters like Jack Antonoff and Lana del Rey. The album hit high on the charts fairly quickly and has received positive critical review, to include being called the "Pop Album of the Year." She also launched a new tour, which - due to the issues with ticket sales - finally got federal regulators to really look into Ticketmaster's monopolistic practices within the performance industry. Looking forward to her 33rd year around the Sun - a 10H (Career and Reputation) profection year - it doesn't look like she'll be slowing down. Not only will she be on tour but she will be writing and directing a new film from Searchlight. This news is unsurprising - she as directed or co-directed the majority of the music videos she has made in the last few years and even before that, she maintained a strong creative influence over the music videos that were released. Also, as mentioned, she may be a major player in the investigation against Ticketmaster. And we're still waiting for her to re-record some of her earlier albums (I personally am looking forward to "Speak Now (Taylor's Version)" and "1989 (Taylor's Version)"). Considering she has released a entirely brand new album every year for the past four years, we'll also get some new music as well. She's nothing if not prolific.

I had another song in mind for my yearly Taylor Swift appreciation post but....it was sad. And I didn't have time to write out exactly what I was imagining, which seems to be the theme of December. There's Not Enough Time (that's the theme). And I'm featuring another one of her songs for my New Year's wrap-up and I think one long ranty T-Swift post is enough for one year. Instead, please enjoy this incredibly shaky footage of Taylor singing "the greatest song of all time" (her words....and mine) with Johnny Rzeznik. I'm going to be honest, it's probably not one of her best performances but you could tell it was literally a dream come true for her and I can imagine her fangirling out afterwards.

"Iris" as performed by Taylor Swift and Johnny Rzeznik

"The World I Know" by Collective Soul

2022-11-08T06:49:00.002-06:00

As you may be aware (and I hope you are), today is Election Day in the United States. Today may well prove to be the most important election in our lifetime. I have a sinking worry that it might be the last truly free and fair election for the United States, too. This is not just doom-saying, my concerns are based on observation. I try not to watch the news, because it's bad for my mental health (I say that as a recovering political junkie), but I do try to watch the highlights in order to keep informed. After watching snippets of the January 6th testimony that has occurred so far, I worry that people don't understand how close we came to losing democracy that day. How close we are to losing democracy pending the results of today's election. A quote from "Star Wars" comes to mind: "So this is how liberty dies...with thundering applause."

Living in a "battleground" state - Arizona - I get a front row seat to the civil conflict brewing here in America. If you haven't noticed, Arizona has been the star of this election cycle, and not just for its role in upholding democracy on January 6th after the ridiculous fraudit nonsense. Our ballot is filled with a cast of characters you can only find in Arizona. We have Kari Lake, a former news broadcaster who, with her crazy eyes, tells everyone that the 2020 election was rigged and spouts off conservative talking points, which MAGA Republicans eat up, despite her liberal past (very similar to Donald Trump). I honestly hope she's lying, because the prospective of her serving as Governor with those views is genuinely terrifying. Then we have Blake Masters, a finance bro hand-picked by one of the richest people in America, who uses his family to mask his incel-level creepiness. And then there's Mark Finchem, an anti-government extremist who has used his platform to spread anti-Semitic sentiment. He's arguably the most dangerous candidate because, if he wins Secretary of State, he will have control over the outcome of future Arizona elections. It's not that there wasn't good, honorable Republican candidates running this year - there was. But these are the candidates who won the primaries. And I think that says something about who we are.

Has our conscience shown?

Has the sweet breeze blown?

Has all the kindness gone?

Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of new found pity

Sitting alone in New York City

And I don't know why

I don't particularly like the term "battleground state", mostly because there are some people who are taking that phrase a little bit too seriously. If you've been watching the news, you may have heard about "poll watchers" in Maricopa county. Masked individuals sitting in the bed of their pickups with an AK-47 (or some other gun/guns), watching everyone who goes to drop off their mail-in ballots. And almost everyone in the state has a fucking mail-in ballot. These men are cowards. Seriously?! Are you going to shoot a little old lady in front of a polling center? It's voter intimidation...and it's only being done by one-side - the authoritarian side. Full disclosure: I wouldn't kill anyone for Mark Kelly. But I also don't think he would ask me to, which should be a credit to him. Unfortunately, I think we've conflated strength with violence for so long, I'm not sure people can tell the difference. And the saddest thing about this election is I'm kind of worried what will happen if the Republicans don't win. When people believe a free and fair election is a "Heads I Win - Tails You Lose" game, any outcome outside of that could unleash a wave of chaos.

There is a strong current of dehumanization in Republican ads this cycle and there's an instinct to fight fire with fire. I'm trying not to do that, not even in my head, because I know that my day-to-day concerns aren't too different from a Republican woman. I'm worried about how much it costs to buy groceries each week, because it seems to still be going up in spite of the Fed's "measures." I'm worried whether my child is safe at school, because every other week there's a news story about a pedophile teacher or a school shooting. I'm worried they're not getting a good education that prepares them for life. I'm concerned about the recent spate of women killing their babies or neglecting them to death, which makes me weary of forced motherhood (not all women should be mothers). And I have this sinking feeling that - for all this talk of self-care and resolving ancestral trauma - we're just perpetuating a cycle of suffering that the younger generations will have to untangle. If there are younger generations, of course, because the planet may well be unlivable in 50 years. There's enough fear and problems in the world, I'd actually just like to see one implementable solution.

Are we listening

To hymns of offering?

Have we eyes to see

That love is gathering?

All the words that I've been reading

Have now started the act of bleeding

Into one, into one

I was listening to Jessica Dore's November offering last week and the following sentence stuck out to me: Your silence will not protect you. And, yes, she was talking about sharing her opinions and beliefs, both political and not. A lot of creators on social media try to stay in this neutral place, where they don't offend anyone and, thus, don't lose followers. In the past year, Dore's lost a lot of followers, in part because she has chosen to be more outspoken (with such an eventful year, how can you not be?). She is trying to frame it to focus not on who she is losing, but who she is aligning with. This is part of embracing authenticity and honoring your truth. Not everyone can (or will want to) accompany you on your journey.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

And I laugh at myself

While the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know

Oh it's the world I know

Let's talk a little bit about today's astrology. There's a total lunar eclipse in Taurus, conjunct Uranus and opposite Mercury and Venus. In addition to that, there's a Mercury Cazimi occurring today and, it goes without saying, but both Mercury and the Sun will be going through their oppositions to Uranus. Finally, the eclipse is activating the Saturn-Uranus square that we were experiencing throughout 2021. Although it's loosening, it's still within a three degree orb. Luckily, it's the last time that aspect will be activated, as Saturn will be entering Pisces in 2023, so the dust will settle once the aspect clears. As you can see, very chaotic energy. Not really a great day for an election in any country, but especially the United States. We're still in our Pluto Return, we have a Mars Retrograde in Gemini (we have natal Mars in Gemini), and everything happening now is setting the stage for our Uranus Return (we have natal Uranus in Gemini) that will kick off in unofficially 2025. This astrology portends a lot of power struggles, especially against authorities, a lot of fighting and arguing with Mars in the mix, and revolutionary ideas. I've been hearing about this eclipse for months on various astrology podcasts - Beware, Beware, the 8th of November! Well, it's here. What matters most is how you handle the energy. Maintain your calm and stability, like a Taurus. I haven't been handling it that well but we're almost done with eclipse season. And it's not all bad - someone may have woken up nearly $2 billion richer. It might've been you. It might've even been me.

I chose "The World I Know" because it seemed fitting for a day like today. It's hard watching what's happening to the country and it's easy to feel powerless. In fact, that's what the video features - a man going about his day in New York City (the video is in blue tones, so you know he's sad), being confronted with homelessness, poverty, and despair throughout his commute. At some point, he decides the best solution would be to jump from the top of a building. But I guess he has a realization when a bird lands on his arm and instead of committing suicide, he tosses his money on the people below. This is obviously when people carried around massive quantities of cash, even in New York. I know....super crazy times. That being said, most people don't usually kill themselves over the news, but it can be a trigger. I can easily understand how someone who is going through something on a personal level might read something that triggers an emotional response that leads to them ending their life. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some of that energy floating around today, too. Take care of yourself. And if you're able to, go vote.

"The World I Know" Video