Musings and other ramblings...of a crazy/beautiful mind

Note To Self

2013-05-16T05:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Felicia,

It's me, Felicia. Yes, I'm you.

"You do realise you're writing to yourself, don't you?" You ask, slightly concerned that I've completely lost touch with reality and am experiencing a whole new level of psychosis.

Don't worry, you're OK; we're OK, and the method to my madness will become clear shortly.

"Um, 'K, care to elaborate?" you ask skeptically.

Yes, I will elaborate for you:

I think you know there's always been two of us in here, that we've always struggled with our duality.

I feel like lately though, we've been drifting apart more and more, to the point where we've become two separate entities sharing a body... You've become so distant, and I worry that our lines of communication have been severely damaged.

I think we can repair this damage with little to no lasting consequences, but we must act fast.

The thing is, I remember how smart, strong and confident you are, and you know how weak and lazy I am, so what I really don't understand is: why are you letting me lead?!

I think it's high time that you to take back the reigns.

Remember that time you tracked down your company's CEO while he was on vacation in Hawaii so you could get a check signed and avoid some contractor putting a lean on your building? Remember the look on your VP's face when he found out what you'd done? Do you remember shrugging and simply stating "I got the check, didn't I?" in response to his disbelieving "You did what?!".

I know what you were like, before they stole your light, or before you let them take it.

You were always such a fighter, what's happened to you? I know it's been difficult. I know it's always been a struggle, and that it's only gotten worse since that fateful day of your initial diagnosis.

I know it's been hard for you to accept, and that I've dragged you down many times, but I also know that you are stronger than me. Than all of this.

You've learnt a lot throughout the past ten years. I know, much of what you've learnt has been "what not to do", but even those are valuable life lessons that you have grown from. I fear you've become too complacent though.

Accepting your limitations has lead you to dismiss your possibilities, and you've been looking at this all wrong.

Yes, you have limitations. Yes, we deal with a mental health illness that sometimes takes over both of us and leaves us paralysed, but you seem to have allowed yourself to believe that you should be limited because of your limitations... And I'm writing you to tell you how wrong you are.

There are obstacles on every path to success. Everyone's hurdles are different, but anyone who succeeds does so because they faced their hurdles head on, not by running in the opposite direction.

Mind over Matter.

Remember how angry you used to get at Dad when he'd say that to you? Granted, he used it too much. He acted like you could stop your migraines and your depression yourself - if you really wanted to. I know that's not true. I know you wouldn't allow yourself to suffer if there was anyway you could stop it.

However there is still some truth to that statement. You are one of the most strong willed women I have ever met, and while you jokingly use the sentence "My will be done" when things go your way, I don't think you understand how true that statement is.

You have the power.

Depression will come again. Migraines will hit at the most inopportune times. But to let these things dictate your whole life?

Now that's insanity.

So, my dear Felicia, I hope you hear my message loud and clear. I hope I struck a chord within you, and that you decide to come back to who you truly are and who you are meant to be.

Much Love,
Felicia

PS: All artwork by and property of Felicia-May Stevenson
PPS: comment on my post, but also feel free to comment about my images :)
PPPS: I don't really have anything else to say, just felt like I was on a roll.

Looking Towards The Future

2013-04-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the first day of May.

This means I am just weeks away from handing in my final decision at work.

Will I take the money and run? Will I stay and try to work it out, find another position?

The latter sounds like a death sentence to me. It's obvious it's time to go.

I'm still apprehensive about giving up the guaranteed salary and benefits though. As the date approaches, that apprehension grows.

I am hopeful however, that this marks the beginning of a great new chapter in my life. I am in the midst of my business class and am feeling greatly empowered by the group of women surrounding me. The exchanges are invaluable, and this experience will stay with me forever.

I am an Entrepreneur now, and my first order of business is getting "Felicitations" restaurant open and ready for business. I am currently conducting a market study, and am in the beginning stages of my business plan.

An old boss at a crappy job once told me that I lacked direction in my life, that I needed to set a goal for myself. It dawned on me how right he was as I typed the word plan above. I'm also reminded of a sign my current boss used to display "A failure to plan is a plan to fail"; this one used to bother me, as it was a reminder that I had planned to fail, and thus was stuck in a job I hated. Perhaps I should be grateful to it, as I think it's what sparked my initial desire to change.

So I'm setting goals for myself, making plans for the future. Keeping a positive outlook and finally having faith that everything will work itself out in the end.

The road was long, but I'm letting go of the past and embracing a new, positive me.

I believe in myself, my abilities, and my power to mold my future.

I'll have my empire yet.

Felicianation baby!

Funny Friday: Our Tooth Fairy Has Been Hitting The Pixie Dust

2013-04-19T16:32:00.000-04:00

So it was a big week for losing teeth in this house: Tyler lost his two front teeth and Mickey lost his first tooth. (my baby is growing up so fast!)

Obviously, this means it was a big week for the Tooth Fairy also, and an expensive one!

Last time we'd lost a tooth, she never showed up to claim it, and I eventually just had to lie and tell Tyler I'd found the money stuck between the bed and the wall.

At the time, I lodged a formal complaint at fairy headquarters, and was assured that this kind of thing would never happen again. This was our first chance to test that promise, and I really hoped she would be able to rise to the occasion,as this was a real opportunity for her to shine.

She did great on the first night, in and out without a peep, and I woke up to a smiling child proudly holding up his $2 coin. My confidence restored, I really didn't worry on the second night, but then that fairy witch went and did it again!!! When I saw the look of pure disappointment and utter sadness on my son's face, I was determined to have that fairy's job! "I think that girl's been hitting the pixie dust too hard!!!" I thought to myself. "Wait until I get a hold of her supervisor, she's toast!" Having lost the number for fairy headquarters, I asked my Facebook friends if any of them might have it, and you will never guess what happened next...

It turns out I'm Facebook friends with the Tooth Fairy!!! I was convinced she must have been out drinking, but it turns out she just spends too much time farming!

She was all apologetic and stuff, really trying to avoid another formal complaint.

I was like: "While I appreciate your apology, this does not fix my poor little boy's broken heart. You know, I covered for you, fed him some story about how too many kids lost their teeth this week, but this is unacceptable and it better not happen again."

Yadiyadida... She promised to show up that night and write him a note to apologize for the blunder. She delivered on the showing up part, but completely spaced on the note.

I was not impressed, but my son was happy, so I let it slide.

Since things always seem to happen in threes, two days later, Mickey loses a tooth during brunch. I put the tooth aside and we continue our meal. After we're done, I put everything away and wipe down the table.

This is when you can probably predict where this is going...

About two hours later, I realize I don't know where the tooth is. Oh no, oh no, what are we going to do? He'll be crushed if we tell him! I devise a plan where we'll write her a note, apologizing, that the tooth is somewhere in the house but that we can't find it. I decide to wait out telling Mickey, just in case we find the tooth before bedtime.

So we're sitting at dinner, and a small piece of walnut falls from my salad on to the table. I look at it and get all excited: "Barry! Barry! Look!!! A tooth!" (It really is amazing how crushed up walnuts resemble human teeth.)

He looks at me, kind of skeptical, but he decides to go with it, for lack of a better plan. So I tell Mickey to go get his little tooth holder he got from school. He comes running back and is all "I want to put it in!!!"

I reluctantly hand it over, worried that he'll realize how soft it is. He holds it up, examining it, and exclaims "Wow, that's a really nice tooth, huh?!" I tried to hide my laughter and agreed with him.

My first hurdle was over, but what would the Tooth Fairy think? Would she notice the scam? If she did, would she refuse it? I was so worried. It would break my heart if I woke up to Mickey's big puppy dog eyes floating with tears.

Thankfully, she came by and accepted the walnut. She left a note, but it wasn't for Mickey; it was for me.

"I figured I owed you one" was all she wrote.

You know, she may be a little loopy, but maybe she isn't that bad of a Tooth Fairy after all.

Wink Wink

Gay Marriage, Abortion and Opression

2013-04-03T13:33:00.000-04:00

The FB conversation that caused this rant.

I've spoken out about the war on abortion before, but last week, with all the talk about gay marriage rights and the on-going court cases in the US, my frustrations with people hiding behind God to defend their own agendas of hate have grown to a boiling point, and I find myself having to revisit the subject, but this time I'm not just talking about abortion rights, I'm talking about gay marriage rights as well.

I'm talking about basic human rights. The right to choose who you love, the right to choose if and when you want children. The right to live your life as you see fit, not dictated to you by politicians with dirty agendas using God's name in vain.

Unless you have ever spoken directly to God, you have no idea what He wants, feels or thinks. If we are to believe that God makes no mistakes, then it is within His design that we all be different.

If you are going to use His name to defend hatred, please remember that He said "love thy neighbor", not love thy neighbor unless he's gay or something else you don't approve of.

A true Christian accepts others without judgement, as he knows that only God has the right to judge.

I'm saying stop quoting the bible at me, because you only ever quote the things you like, and even those quotes take on a new meaning depending on the spin you try to make on them.

The catholic religion has spewed so many lies over thousand of years that I find myself very conflicted in my beliefs, but what I do believe for sure is that no one on this planet is in a position to judge others. That everyone on this planet has done at least one thing they wouldn't be too proud of discussing with God Himself, and that no one on this planet really knows anything about what God thinks, or if He even truly exists.

I believe in being a good person: in doing my best, and trying to better myself. I believe in being generous, and helping the less fortunate.

I believe in letting others live their lives in freedom, to choose who they want to be, their sexuality, who they want to marry, which religion they want to adhere to, and if and when they wish to have children.

As humans in this day and age, we are subjected to many rules and regulations. Practically slaves to our societies and governments, but...

No law should ever have dominion on our bodies or dictate whom we can love.

Okay, so that's my rant for today.

TTYS!

Donald Trump Just Gets Weirder With Age

2013-03-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite things to do is catch up on the "weird news" column on Canoe.ca

They collect strange news stories from around the world, and this is one of the weirdest I've seen in a long time.

Donald Trump maintains lawsuit against Bill Maher for his bet - Weird News - Canoe.ca

It seems Bill Maher made some joke about offering 5 Million dollars to the charity of Donald Trumps choice if he would provide a copy of his birth certificate proving that his father was not an ape. The Don apparently decided to take this seriously, and provided his birth certificate, but is upset because Maher refuses to pay up.

He filed a lawsuit in California last month and Trump says it will be up to the courts to decide whether or not it was a joke.

How can someone supposedly so smart be so dumb?

Does he mean to tell me that he thinks Bill Maher was actually convinced that Donald Trump's father was an ape? Are we to believe that he doesn't know full well that this was a satirical comment meant to poke fun at the request Trump made to see Obama's birth certificate?

It seems to me that this is a bully's attempt at silencing free speech. I, for one, love Bill Maher, and I sure hope he wins this case, because I will be seriously discouraged if he doesn't!

What do you think?

Funny Fridays: Facebook Is Getting Desperate

2013-03-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

This week's funny Friday comes to you directly from my own Facebook news feed:

It seems Facebook is no longer content telling you everything your friends are doing, now they want to be sure you know everything they aren't doing!

I'm not sure I like the idea of Facebook telling everyone all the things I'm not doing...

Gasp!!! Can you imagine?!

Much love,
Felicia

First Day Of Spring

2013-03-20T23:10:00.001-04:00

When you were a kid, which date were you told the seasons changed on?

"Spring Bloom" Painting on ipad by Felicia-May Stevenson

I could swear it was the 21st. In fact, I'm sure of it. So when did this change, and more importantly, why?!

I'd been arguing about this with my eldest son for two days, as his teacher told him the first day of spring was on March 20th, and my youngest's teacher said the 21st. A quick google search has just revealed that he is right and I am wrong.

Apparently a bunch of astronomers got together and decided that the vernal equinox (AKA first day of spring) actually happened today, March 20th this year.

What's worse, it seems that March 21st has barely ever been the first day of spring.

Is everything I learned in school nothing but a lie?

Comment Moderation

2013-03-10T05:00:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to do it, but the dreaded spambot has left me no choice.

As if Murphy himself ordered it so, ever since I told my friend that Blogger's platform was great at blocking spam, tons of spam commenters found my site.

My email was being flooded by spam comments, and though I'd come delete them, it was starting to be too much.

I can't bear the thought of bringing back Captchas, that would be so cruel to you, my dear readers. I already get too few comments on the blog, I'm certainly not going to make it more complicated!!!

Instead, I've been forced to instill comment moderation.

Your comment will be visible after my approval.

Don't blame me, blame the evil spambot.

Much love,
Felicia

Planning For The Future

2013-03-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

It's past one AM and I should be sleeping, but I'm wide awake, and I suddenly have ~~an urge~~ a need to write.

I'm excited and nervous about up-coming changes in my life.

I'm bidding my time at work, because my days are numbered, and it's giving me time to set myself up for a better life; one more suited to my particular - hmm what should I call them? For lack of a better word, let's just go with "quirks".

Really, I don't know why I'm bothering to mince words, lets call a spade a spade: a life more suited to my very own brand of crazy.

I will be getting some money from being "surplussed", so I've decided to start that empire I've been dreaming of.

First off, I want to start a small restaurant. Something that caters to professionals, open Monday to Friday, early morning until mid-afternoon. My hubby is an amazing chef, and I'm confident that our combined knowledge of the restaurant business, customer service and amazing food will be a recipe for success.

Starting this kind of business is no easy task. I'd been hoping for some guidance from my old boss and mentor, but sadly, he passed away recently. He was a great man, and I will remember him fondly forever.

I contacted a local organization that helps women find employment, as they have a mentoring program that teaches you how to launch your business. I'm going to an information session next week, and then I can register for their program, which seems to be a course offered in three stages, each lasting 7-10 days.
I'll know more after the session, but I'm optimistic that this will be exactly the guidance I need to navigate this unchartered territory.

I just flashed back to a session with the psychologist I saw last year, one where he told me he thought it would be a terrible idea for me to own a business, that the anxiety would eat me alive.

Ha! I laugh in the face of danger!

No, but seriously, my current meds are doing wonders for me, and while I still have bouts of anxiety and moments of utter despair, it is nothing like the all-consuming fire that used to engulf me.

There's also the fact that I don't think I'm ever going to be happy in a work environment where I'm not the boss. Also, I feel like we will always be stuck in dead-end jobs due to our lack of education, and this is an opportunity for us to make a better future for ourselves, and our boys.

I've also decided to revive La Fée Licia Face Painting, though I'm still deciding on the best route to take for advertising. Even if I only got a couple of contracts a month, it pays very well, and I love doing it. I also like the idea of putting my eggs in more than one basket.

Another venture will be to open an Etsy shop. If you're not familiar with it, this is a website where you can open your own "shop" within the site to sell your artwork. It costs pennies to place adds that last for (I think) four months, and they take a (again, I think) three percent commission off your sales. I think this is a great platform, and the site is well established, so it's sort of like opening a store in a well known shopping mall. For a beginner, I would say this is a win-win situation. I don't know if anyone will want to buy my art, but for pennies an ad, it's certainly worth a shot! Again, even just a few sales a month could help.

Then there's Freelancer.ca, where you can sign up for free. Employers post various "creative" jobs, and you bid on them. If you are selected, you start to build a reputation, which in turn helps you win more bids. It's probably a slow start, but surely worth a try. I'm always looking for inspiration, and I sometimes do my best work when I'm given a general direction to follow. Who knows where this path could lead?

Of course, there's always my own writing. I'm working on writing my first book, an account of my life dealing with bipolar disorder. I'm still in my first draft, and it's terrible, and choppy, but for now I'm just concentrating on getting stories down on "paper", I'll worry about structure and editing later.

The way I see it, if one of these other ventures takes off, we can hire someone take my place at the restaurant while I'm off on a contract.

My boss used to have this sign by her office that read "A failure to plan is a plan to fail".

It always bothered me when I saw it, because it was a constant reminder that I had failed to plan and was now stuck in a job I absolutely hated.

While the future is uncertain, at least I have a plan, and that's more than I've ever had before. This is my time. I will stop taking whatever opportunities I'm offered, and start pursuing (or creating) the opportunities that I desire.

Wish me luck!

Monday

2013-02-25T09:54:00.001-05:00

A little dark humor for you: Just another day in the office.

;)

Funny Fridays: A Poem

2013-02-15T10:49:00.001-05:00

To celebrate Friday this week, I not only "painted" you a picture, but I even went all out and wrote you a poem.

"Smile, it's Friday" Painting on iPad by Felicia-May Stevenson

Another week has come and gone

All the work is finally done

No more sitting on the bus

The weekend is upon us

Today's gonna be a great day

Because today is funny Friday!!!

Yayyyyyyyy Friday!!!!

Ps: I use the term "painted" lightly, as this image was created by using Art Studio for iPad, the best app a digital artist could ever ask for. The best part? There's no clean-up after I'm done.

Is it Spring Yet?

2013-02-07T15:56:00.002-05:00

I came across these pictures while sorting through the 49 drafts I have sitting on this blog.

I know, that's a ridiculous number of drafts.

These are some of my best pictures of the beautiful flowers that grow in our backyard. My first reaction upon opening the draft was "aw! summer!", so I decided to post it today to remind myself (and you) that Spring will be here soon enough, and the flowers will bloom again.

I am so over the cold!!!

Clematis - first bloom

clematis

Rose Bush (it's more like a tree)

Lily... I'm very proud.

Great. Only 48 more drafts to sort through.

Damn You Facebook By Annah Rondon

2013-01-31T21:57:00.000-05:00

If you don't know who Annah Rondon is, then you should definitely check out her blog at Red Means Go.

This Cuban girl writes it as she sees it and keeps the masses entertained with stories of her escapades as a single woman, her wildly funny views on life, and her ever amusing illustrations.

Her personality shines through her work and is really what hooks you and keeps you coming back for more.

"Damn You, Facebook" is the budding author's first attempt at self-publishing, and while the book could use some polishing, it is light and very entertaining, even causing a few "Laugh Out Loud" moments.

Her signature style doesn't disappoint, and I'd say that for $1.98, this book had less calories than a bag of chips, and left me feeling more satisfied.

One Day At A Time...

2013-01-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Life, why don't you just kiss my...

I'm having one of those mornings where it just seems like all my thoughts are dark and gloomy.

My husband (well, common-law spouse, but same difference) just called to tell me that his bosses are changing his shift and this means he will have to work Saturdays from now on.

After hanging up with him, I called my kid's school daycare program about March break, and I was informed that daycare will be closed at that time. Thank God I have a week's vacation I can take, but damn. What do they expect parents to do? They are off for two weeks at Christmas, one week in march, and there's a three week period in the summer between the end of summer camp and the beginning of school.

Who has six weeks of vacation a year? What are we suppose to do with them?

I've been work force adjusted at work. (that's just a fancy way of saying that I will be laid off shortly)

I have to make a decision about the options I've been given, which are basically a) I stay here for another 12 months while I try to find a position elsewhere, b) I take a "transitional support amount" which would be 26 weeks of salary and resign from my position or c) I get the same amount of money, but also have a $10,000 education allowance, and can either resign immediately, or keep the door open for two years in case I want to come back.

My plan is to open up a small restaurant with my husband, a small food court style place that's open Monday to Friday and serves breakfast and lunch.

The thing is though, if we open this restaurant, what the heck are we suppose to do with the kids for 6 weeks a year? What about when they are sick? When we are sick?

Is this even a feasible plan?

I honestly think it would be the best thing for us, and our best chance at advancement in this world of ours. The beginning of the empire...

With a little success, we could live well, even possibly open a chain of "Felicitations" food court restaurants. Or make enough money during the first ten years to then open our big family style restaurant. The one I've been seeing in my minds eye for years now.

I know I have to remain positive, and have some faith. In the past years, all the stars have aligned in such a way that I have been given all that I need, if not all that I want. I need to trust that this will continue to be the case.

This whole starting a business thing is much more complicated than I had anticipated. If you want to get any kind of financing, you have to create a business plan, including a market analysis, and I find myself in unknown territory.

Given my mental health issues, uncertainty is not a friend of mine. In fact, we hate each other with a passion.

Breathe deeply and carry on.

Spambots and Captchas

2013-01-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

I hate captchas. If you don't know what captchas are, they are those annoying letters and numbers you have to copy correctly to prove you're not a spambot (spam robot) before you can comment on a blog post.

I usually surf blogs from my iPad, which just makes copying captchas even harder, because they are so hard to see.

"Please prove that you're not a computer." I'm not a computer, but apparently, I'm blind.

Sometimes I write this really clever comment, and then after 3 or 4 unsuccessful attempts at posting, I get discouraged and leave the site.

A friend of mine who recently started blogging was using the dreaded captchas, so I asked him nicely to disable them. He mentioned that he used to have a lot of issues with spammers, but I was all "No, no, Bloggers spam filter is really good. They go directly to spam, never actually get published!"

Well!

It's like Murphy himself heard me and decided it was a great time to apply his law. Suddenly, I'm receiving tons of spam comments, and they are actually getting through the spam filter.

The worse part is the repetitive nature of the comments:

"Great post! I've been looking for this information for days, and you really hit the nail on the head with this one. Also, please visit my website... something cigarettes.com"

Some are even insulting:

"Is it just me or do some of the comments on this post sound like they're coming from brain dead people? :)- Also, please visit my site... something money solutions .com."

"There is very a lot of good infomation on this website, but you should realy check you're speling, as you make lot of mistakes. Also, please visit my site: casino something .com."

Haha! Thanks for the tip.

So now I don't know what to do. I want people to be able to post anonymously to my blog. I don't want to force people to log in or reveal themselves. Some of my posts are about depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, I want my readers to feel free to write what they are really feeling, without fear of retribution.

So I suppose I'll keep things as is for now, but if you see a spambot comment, rest assured, it will be deleted soon.

What do you do to avoid both the dreaded captchas and the dreaded spambot?

Improved Gun Control For The United States

2013-01-19T12:56:00.001-05:00

From Obama's FB page

In a press conference held Monday, January 14 2013, Barack Obama, days before the start of his second term as President of the United States of America, has announced plans to improve gun control in his country.

To the outside world, this seems like the most sensible thing to do. He is not suggesting revoking the second amendment right to bear arms. He wants to ban semi-automatic assault rifles, extend the waiting period to purchase firearms, improve background checks, put more counsellors in schools and provide better access to mental health care.

Americans would still have the right to bear arms, just not the kind that can kill 20 people in less than 2 minutes.

Of course, the National Rifle Association (NRA) is completely against these proposed changes. Interesting to note that until 2004, there was a prohibition against semi-automatic machine guns, so while they try to cry infringement on constitutional rights, the right to own an assault rifle doesn't date back to the forefathers...

I simply don't understand this organisation.

When I read over Obama's plan, every point seems purely logical to me.

What foot you can stand on to defend the right to own a Bushmaster AR-15 assault rifle like the one used by Adam Lanza to kill 26 people?!

The right to bear arms was meant as a way to insure that every citizen had a right to protect themselves, and their land.

However, it is becoming less about one individual's rights and more about the general public's right to feel safe.

I'm not suggesting that guns be banned all together (though I wouldn't personally be upset), but I am suggesting that the NRA is being irresponsible in this instance by not working with the President in his efforts to restore public safety.

I have lost count of the number of mass shootings in the States over the past year. I have lost count of the number of lives that were lost because of inefficient and outdated laws. The American constitution has been in effect since 1789, and has been amended 27 times since then. Why? Because some of the things that were written 200+ years ago have nothing to do with today's was of life. Did assault riffles even exist then?

Better and deeper background checks might have kept assault riffles out of the hands of Adam Lanza and James Holmes.

A ban on assault riffles might have saved the 38 people the two of them killed.

For these people, it's too late for should have beens and could have beens, but it's not too late for the next batch.

Maybe, just maybe, if the US government actually works together, for the people, instead of against each other for their own individual agendas, maybe the next batch could be saved.

Maybe the next Adam Lanza would have better access to mental health care. Maybe he would send off flags when he tried to purchase three tons of ammunition.

Maybe...

Reality Sucks

2013-01-09T17:37:00.001-05:00

Today was rough.

My youngest wouldn't get dressed this morning.

I yelled at him because he made me miss my bus. He cried. I left still feeling angry, and now I miss him and I feel bad.

I couldn't find my damn pass when I got to work. I called seven different people, but no one was answering. Finally, I was saved by one of my co-workers, as he appeared out of nowhere like a beam of light on a dark day.

So he signed me in, but when I got out of the elevator on my floor, I couldn't get in to any of the doors. Of course, no one was around. So I bent down to put all my stuff back in my bag, as it was still open from my frantic search in the lobby. Just then he appeared again, having come back down as it had dawned on him that I wouldn't be able to get in. I could've just cried.

Words couldn't express my gratitude.

So he let me in and I made my way to my cubicle (which I'm seriously lucky to have.) After I took off my coat, I went to take a long sip of the $2.55 vitamin water I had just purchased... Only to realize that I had left it on the security guard's counter, downstairs. You know, the place where I was just stranded.

That was the moment I burst into tears.

And it all just went downhill from there.

I couldn't get myself to concentrate on anything anyway.

I tried so hard to control myself, but my misery got the best of me. My best friend called and I basically hung up on her because the sound of her sympathetic voice was about to make me sob loudly.

After tearing up for an unknown number of times, I looked at the bus schedule and asked my boss to be excused for the day so I could catch the earliest express that would take me home, where at least no one would see me as I balled my eyes out. He was very kind and sympathetic, and I really appreciate that.

When I think about it, I really do work with a kind bunch of people, thank you so much... Especially you, Mr. Sunshine on a gloomy day. Coming back down to let me in was, for lack of better words, just so considerate of you, and that's such a rare quality. Your wife and son are very lucky people.

Tonight I will have a hot bath, get some sleep and try again tomorrow.

Today was just one day, today was just one day, today was just one day, today was just one day, today was just one day...

Getting Back To Reality

2013-01-05T21:34:00.002-05:00

Two days.

I go back to work in two days. Two.

But I'm not freaking out about it or anything...

It's actually not two days, because it's 8:30 on Saturday evening as I write this,so it's more like thirty-six hours. Thirty-six.

But it's not that I'm counting or anything...

Heh. (terrified half smile)

Also, I broke a nail today, so now I have to type with my other fingers, because it hurts like a (insert preferred explicit here.)

Grrrr.

Seriously, it hurts.

I spent so much time on illustrations and all that it's not thirty-six hours anymore. It's thirty-five hours...

But it's going to be OK. I'm going to be OK. Even my stupid nail will grow back.

It will all work out as it should.

Toothaches

2013-01-03T01:37:00.001-05:00

I've had a toothache since Monday.

Here, I drew you a picture.

Much love,
Felicia

Family Reunion 30 Years Overdue

2012-12-24T00:34:00.002-05:00

Tonight was easily one of the best nights of my life.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have a long lost brother. He was suppose to visit a few months ago, but it didn't work out at the time.

Well it finally happened tonight, and it was more amazing than words could say.

When I first saw him, tears instantly sprang up, and I fought back the urge to just openly ball my eyes out.

I had been waiting for this moment my entire life.

Having been bullied a lot as a child, I always envied the girls who had big brothers. Most of the time no one would bug them, but if one poor misguided soul did, they'd either sick their brothers on the bully or simply threaten to do so, and it was usually enough to get them to back off.

This whole week, as I knew he was coming, I felt like posting the following status on Facebook:

"My brother is finally coming to town, so if any of my old bullies would like to resurface, now's the time." Hahaha (you can read that as either a regular or a maniacal laugh, it's up to you)

Anyway, back to tonight:

My parents were here, as well as a good friend of my Dad's who had brought his guitar along. After diner and desert, we all settled around the table and sang songs while Jack played us some music. I had so much fun. My brother's wife has a beautiful voice, and I love to sing, so I really couldn't have asked for a better evening.

You should see my nephews. Two little blonde devils, adorable beyond belief. They're still little munchkins, the oldest is three and the youngest is eighteen months old. Little rascals full of energy, they remind me of my boys at that age. I've only just met them, but I love them already.

When I was a little girl, I couldn't understand how I could have a brother and he wouldn't be with us. It always bothered me immensely, the puzzle always seeming incomplete.

This year for Christmas, the puzzle is finally complete.

When we sit around the Christmas tree at my parents house, everyone who is suppose to be there, is finally going to be there.

While I may have a few material items on my wish list, nothing could even come close to topping the gift I was given of looking over the table at my brother, sitting in front of me, in my home, with his wife and kids.

Family is what matters most in this world, so remember to always cherish yours.

Merry Christmas dear readers, I wish you all the very best.

A Few Items On My Wishlist

2012-12-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

I know that Christmas isn't all about the presents, but still, I must admit that I love receiving them almost as much as I love giving them.

These are a few items on my wishlist this year.

This Eiffel Tower is the one I desire most.

From Think Kitchen (A.K.A Stokes)

Isn't it G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S?

Hard Candy Soho Make-up Case (Walmart)

Zebra print DEL Candles. They last longer and they're much safer!

Even to sit with my iPad, this laptop tray would be awesome.

Aren't they pretty? The girly girl in me can't resist!

You always need socks. Also, they have zebra print ones.

Photo screen wall hanging. LOVE. (and only 12.99 at Think Kitchen - my new favorite store.)

What's on your wishlist?

Funny Fridays: Best Autocorrect captions of 2012

2012-12-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

This funny Friday is brought to you by buzzfeed.com, which has comprised a list of the 25 funniest autocorrect malfunctions of 2012.

I should warn you not to read these while you are alone in public, people might mistake you for a drunken idiot.

This was just one of my favorites. Be sure to catch the whole list here.

Oh, and thanks Buzzfeed. That was awesome.

My Name Is Felicia, And I Am Lazy

2012-12-20T00:32:00.001-05:00

This week, an old family friend I hadn't heard of in many years called to gush, and I mean she gushed, about how great my blog is, how much she loves my illustrations and what a great writer I am.

I wouldn't be fooling anyone if I tried to tell you it didn't feel awesome. Like, really freaking fantastic awesome.

My mother saw my uncle last week, and he pretty much said the same things, but he added that I'm lazy. (and he probably didn't gush)

I laughed out loud when she reported this to me. He's right. He's so right.

My best friend gets on my case about it every now and then as well.

I have been lazy.

My boyfriend would tell you with some frustration about the various unfinished projects I have laying around the house. A painting that's been sitting, waiting for its final touches, for over a year now. Ceramics I started to repaint and didn't complete. Materials collecting dust for projects I haven't even begun. A children's book that is written, but that I can't seem to get myself to illustrate.

I am my own worst enemy.

I lack discipline, and I'm lazy. I am completely letting myself down, and wasting the talents I was given.

There are things about myself that I have to accept, but this isn't one of them.

It's time for a change.

Much love,
Felicia

Haunted - a poem by Felicia Stevenson

2012-12-13T01:43:00.002-05:00

This poem is for you, and you know who you are.

I am haunted

Thoughts fade
Then resurface
every feeling still fresh
every cut still deep

Regrets

What could have been
What should have been
What will never be

Time passes
Pain remains

I am Haunted

Funny Friday: Jealousy

2012-11-30T00:20:00.001-05:00

A recurring subject of late has been jealousy. There's so much I'd like to say on the subject, but I'm more in a "I want to draw" phase than a "I want to write" phase, so I made you an image to tide you over until I get my butt in gear.

Every one needs to stop looking at what their neighbor's doing or has, and learn to appreciate their own blessings.

Much love,
Felicia