Musings of a 21st Century Stay At Home Mum

Just call me Mrs Skittle.

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:21:00 +0000

Or Mrs Wobbly Woman. Either requires a certain familiarity with Noddy although a passing acquaintance with the song "I get Knocked down, but I get up again" would suffice.

Right now, I feel like I have been hit by the proverbial bus, after two good shots at knocking me off my feet yesterday once again coupled with my body's masochistic desire to make things harder by switching off the sleep function at the worst possible moment. Two hours sleep is seriously not enough when you are pushing 40, have three our of four children who didn't read the manual and take it in turns to tag team me each night.

I've no idea why insomnia strikes when I least need it, but it does force me to take stock and recover my bounce. Life on our family roller coaster is never dull but any dip is followed sometime soon by a challenging climb with breathtaking views from the top. I am telling myself this right now, as I contemplate the challenges presented me in despair, trying to ignore the nagging feeling of deja vu knocking on the door.

It's been three years since our youngest son ditched the feeding pump and sustain himself, eating enough to grow and needing his tube only for medication and occasional venting/fluids. The much hated, sleep-sapping, bed-wetting device was handed back to the NHS at the first opportunity and I hoped to never set eyes on one for our use again. But sadly he once again needs a bit of help and it does indeed make sense... but what has sense got to do with emotions? On hearing we would shortly be taking delivery of a pump, feeds and other paraphernalia I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach, or that I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating and recalling conversations of years ago. I do suspect my little man will put me completely to shame though and take it all in his stride, as he does everything else in life. He will no doubt be making jokes about it with his Dad along with his repertoire of funny accents and imitations of "french men going skiing at weekends".... (you had to be there). That boy has an enviable sense of humour and I can cope with most things alongside him providing he is able to see the funny side.

As if that were not enough excitement for one day we are also seriously considering alternative secondary options for H after a stupendously appalling day on Friday which rounded off a challenging first week back, continuing in the same vein as last term which was not much better than the one before. Quite honestly I don't have the energy to continue fighting to precipitate better understanding of ASDs in his school, in part because I totally sympathise with them. There may very well be understandable and explainable reasons for his challenging behaviour, but the fact is we struggle as much at home as they do at school. I cannot get on my soap box and cite alternative, practical and more appropriate methods of tackling each meltdown and its aftermath, because I'm still waiting for my own lightbulb moment and some illumination on managing him here. What I do know though, is that there is a time to admit a strategy change is needed, and if someone could just turn on the light and point me in the right direction I'll be all geared up ready to fight his corner once again.

In the County which pioneered inclusion high functioning children with complex needs are sadly frequently neglected, as elsewhere. The old adage that the bright child would "do well anywhere" is simply untrue, and my son is an excellent example. With a visual IQ over 140 you would at least expect him to be performing at an average level, once his additional needs were taken into consideration. But the fact is that he is 4 years behind in numeracy (as measured in school) and almost as far behind in written literacy work. That same child can architect and code Java mods for Minecraft, build his own Servers and partition a hard-drive to operate Linux and Windows simultaneously, but those skills are not rated by our education system. There really is something fundamentally wrong with forcing each and every child-shaped peg into the same hole. In my limited experience of teaching and my many years experience working with and bringing up children, I have yet to find two identical "pegs". Even the identical twins I know are very different, learn differently and their pattern of strengths of weaknesses vary. So how a child who starts off very different, who was non-verbal before the age of 3, barely recognised his wider family before school age and spent the whole of Reception either under the table or excluded at home is supposed to thrive in mainstream is beyond me. Sure, he has an outreach team going in regularly offering both him and school additional support, but it is too little, too late.

We've discussed Home Education, but H really doesn't want to go down that route. He desperately wants to be with his peers, have friends, feel wanted and needed by others. Yet his behaviour is driving his friends away. What I wouldn't give for those who champion "Mainstream for All" to witness his tears most evenings and understand the damage the stamp of failure a does to a child. He was set up to fail before he even started school, in an environment which measures success in a purely neurotypical manner.

So yesterday was the first of what will no doubt be many discussion about "Where Next", but it is a topic with little room for discussion, there are no schools in our county for high functioning ASD children, and I refuse to send him to board away from home. It seems we don't have much choice - to continue "fire-fighting" at home and at school with a child falling progressively further behind and feeling more of a failure, or we take the initiative and responsibility for his education ourselves. I don't like either option so although I had intended to sit back and enjoy the ride a little more this year perhaps some planning into the future is required after all.

So I guess it's not really very surprising that I didn't sleep much last night. I do currently feel rather "knocked down" but as always after a little pause for breath and a lot of thought and consideration I will inevitably bounce back again. Just call me Mrs Skittle.

New Year or Same Old?

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 20:02:00 +0000

Having read my totally amazing friend's new Blog post I decided that I would click on the browser tab I opened (a week ago) to write a new post myself. Given the lack of noise/spontaneous combustion/demands here right now, and my hugely successful attempt to ignore the ironing pile/dishwasher/any other sensible use of my time there really isn't an excuse to procrastinate any longer.

It's not that I arrogantly assume anyone else wants to read my ramblings, but the recent "writer's block" has been incredibly frustrating for me. I find writing such a cathartic process, and somehow sharing my trivialities with cyberspace enables me to move forward - whether in fact my posts are actually read or not. So I'm not totally sure why I have found it so painfully challenging to collect any sensible thoughts to record in recent months, but I suspect sleep deprivation may well be the main culprit. New mothers often speak of this mythical ten per cent of brain power pregnancy is supposed to "mothball", and share their yearnings for a return to full capacity. I think after 14 years there is little hope of that for me but without a doubt the recent months of repetitive night wakings (medication change and small daughter to blame) have rendered the remaining functional percentage semi-comatose much of the time. Or at least much of the time I have available to write! But the New Year is always a significant way point, and worthy of additional effort, and it is one of my Resolutions to find more time to write.

So how do you imagine New Year? I don't mean what does it mean for you, but how do you visualise time and its partitioning? Being a teacher, and with four school aged children the New Year for us is actually not 1st January, but early September. I do imagine each school year to be an exciting "box" to be opened, experienced and enjoyed. With new challenges and adventures, troubles and joy. But January? I've never thought of the "real" New Year quite like that. For me, time is an inexorable mobius strip, which we move along at an inevitable pace. Like a tape measure each New Year is spaced along its surface, barely significant other than yet another marker along our personal timeline. I don't cross the threshold of the New Year with excitement or trepidation, but rather a feeling of inevitability, resignation and sadness. The sadness is purely because time persists in moving ahead at its own pace, those we love growing with us and cherished past times drifting further away. There is still the hope and excitement, but bizarrely I experience this to a far greater extent in September. January is such a bleak month, and this travelling forwards seems dulled in comparison. There is absolutely nothing new for me on 1st January from the day before, nothing to hide the fact that we are still fighting the same battles, with imperceptibly unchanged routines. In contrast I find the new school year such an invigorating time, I love the Autumn with its weather and festivals and feel a huge sense of achievement as my children take the next step at school, in clubs and sports.

This year was much the same, I actually remembered to write the correct year on the first cheque of 2012 but otherwise not much has changed. We have a few challenges to face over the next twelve months but nevertheless I feel excited and enthusiastic for once. I'm enjoying the present and determined not to look too far ahead - there is no Master Plan and I'm taking each week, each day as it comes. Mrs Organised is going to take a step back and enjoy the journey just a little bit more in 2012 and avoid looking too far ahead - or too far behind.

I've been MIA... Life got in the way! But Merry Christmas All from all of us!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:14:00 +0000

‘Twas the night before Christmas - Our version for this year

‘Twas the night before Christmas, the children were high
Waiting for Santa way up in the sky.
Fueled by excitement, sugar and hope
They bounced and they shouted, I barely could cope

The cookies were ready, there had to be four-
Poor Santa would likely not fit through the door!
His reindeer had carrots, all neatly set out
The brandy glass empty - we must have run out!

The stockings were thrown at the fireplace with flair
One child informed me he just didn’t care,
Because “Santa will sort them, not leave them about,
He’ll not make a mess so there’s no need to shout.”

Then long conversations ensued with the cat
Minding his business sitting quiet on the mat
Concern running deep on what he might share,
With the wonderful gift-giver soon to be there.

For animals speak on this magical night
And inform Father Christmas whom he should see right
You might convince Mum and you may convince Dad
But the cat is impartial on who has been bad.

Satisfied Timmy would not spill the beans
My children now hoped by whatever means
To stay up much longer than most of them should
But a visit from Santa was a prospect too good.

They hoped to snap Santa on CCTV,
Watching him hover above our chimney
For Daddy had promised them no one is missed
Not even Santa, checking his list.

Eventually all of them began to grow tired,
With only one hyper, distractible child.
But all went to bed without much of a fight
As sleeping would bring on the morning delight.

I thought as a kissed them, each sleepy head
How lucky I was to have four tucked up in bed.
I counted my blessings and counted them twice
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

Climbing Everest

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 18:45:00 +0000

Today it all really got to me.

Several times this summer we have tried to see friends and be sociable. Not just for the children - for me too, this parenting lark can (as a close friend astutely pointed out last week) be a lonely business. Particularly when you have a child with additional needs. Or two. Or three. But after today I think I will be focussing on the positives and staying home.

It's not that I'm "fed up" with all the issues, (well, I am a bit!!) or that I'm having a self-pitying moment, it goes deeper to be honest. It's hard to describe... which is precisely the problem. HOW do you describe to others the difficulties daily life presents, how normal activities are nigh on impossible some days - so challenging you just want to curl up and not try? That might sound defeatist, but it's this growing chasm of experience which is having such a profound impact, in many ways I feel so far distanced from the majority of parents on a daily basis.

Take yesterday. A lovely picnic with school friends of K and A before term starts. To start with it seemed straightforward.
It was a weekend, so H (who is currently in non-stop meltdown as the new term approaches) could be left with Richard at home.
Since it was a picnic the twins should not feel "different" with their food as everyone would be taking their own sandwiches, right?
But kids inevitably share so we had to read sweet labels and draw at least some attention to ourselves. (quietly!) But then the new Mum in the class wanted to know why my two couldn't eat certain things... and didn't understand why intolerances didn't mean small amounts were OK and how their "gut allergies" differ from immediate ones. There then followed the usual toe curling and futile attempt to give the minimum information about a complex and little known disease and swiftly change the subject! My attempt to downplay the food allergy thing ended with A white as a little ghost telling me his tummy hurt and that he needed to go home -so home we went, to sit on a familiar loo with his favourite cuddly for comfort.

You might think that's no big deal. And I guess it isn't, except that's not a one-off - and neither is it our only issue. Every attempt to leave the house with H and any other combination of children is always almost impossible. And staying at home and having friends here can be even worse! Somedays I think a paper bag over my head could come in really handy when out - because so many people think that it's poor parenting that causes ASD/ADHD behaviours. I've actually been told as much more than once. I've even been told I shouldn't have been allowed children after H because I couldn't control his behaviour. (And not by a paid up member of the BNP...) Even family suggest it is somehow "my fault" for having four children - which is totally missing the point because crystal balls are not yet standard issue or remotely reliable.

It's undoubtedly the combination of issues which I find so challenging and others so difficult to comprehend. Many families have a child with difficulties of some sort, and problems FAR more severe than any one of my children. When I see the suffering of some of the children I know and the challenges their parents face I do feel very blessed. But nonetheless on a daily basis I find myself increasingly dwelling on the same question. Just what are the chances of everyone in one family having the same gastrointestinal problems (to some extent), of two of my children needing strong unlicensed medication to keep them well? AND of having a child on the Autism Spectrum, with ADHD and other issues? It's not exactly that likely, is it?? How many other mums spent the last day of the holidays writing three sets of medical notes for school, getting three sets of medication ready? It's actually quite embarrassing, because it doesn't make sense to us either.

And if I don't "get it", what chance is there of anyone else understanding? The GP certainly doesn't, challenging every clinic letter, every prescription. Sadly denial doesn't work as a useful panacea, I wish it did! Our disabilities might be largely invisible, but I cannot deny their existence. I've tried this, many times, because this wasn't in the Plan. I didn't ever imagine any of my children would ever be anything short of or more than "normal". But the Plan somehow got changed, and the reality is there is a huge part of my life I cannot share with the vast majority of my friends, which increasingly takes over and prevents the rest of life happening as it should. It's isolating, restricting, frustrating and at times desperately heartbreaking.

Which is why, for a little while at least I'm retrenching. Retreating from daily social interaction I can avoid. Sometimes the effort before and despair after doesn't make the attempt worthwhile, and it can be as valuable to enjoy and value what comes easily rather than climbing Everest everyday. The children return to school over the next couple of days and I'm going to do all the mundane, safe and easy non-sociable things on my agenda. Staying at Base Camp is sometimes more important than aiming for every summit.

The Brown Bottom

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 08:14:00 +0000

I have to say the title of this post made me chuckle given the association with toilet humour and the gastro conditions suffered by some in this house! But it is a serious post, on a subject frustratingly pertinent given the current volatility on the stock markets and constant discussion on "Debt" and the "Cuts". I am constantly challenged by friends, Blog readers and online acquaintances how I could continue to lay the blame for the recession firmly at the feet of Labour. The banks clearly had their role and were perhaps the short term catalysts but the (then) government's foreknowledge of what was coming and their collective political fear of acting on such information is enough for me. When coupled with the traditional "tax and spend" of Labour past and present you have a toxic combination of a government hurtling into the abyss with their hands over their ears and their eyes tightly shut. It goes with my comment below, that benefits, payouts and support without a mutual contract of responsibility create the very social unrest Social Security attempts to avoid. So this information arrived today in my inbox and I decided to post it!

With the gold price hitting new nominal highs it seems a good moment to remind ourselves about the consequences of Gordon Brown’s sale of much of the country’s gold reserves.

In 1999-2002 he sold 395 metric tons of gold at an average price of $275 an ounce. Today the price stands at $1749 an ounce. No wonder Brown’s sale on the gold price charts is known as "The Brown Bottom". He also gave notice to the market that the sales would take place, thereby giving market participants every opportunity to drive the price down in advance.

Here are the approximate calculations of the value (in millions)which would have accrued if we still held the gold today:

	Sold then	Value now
	99 - 02	2011
Quantity sold tons	395	395
Average price $/oz	$275	$1,700
Sum realised US$m	$3,477	$21,492
Exchange rate avge.	$1.52	$1.63
Sum realised £m	£2,287	£13,185

The 2012 Olympics are estimated to cost some £9billion, so we could have paid for the Olympics with the amount of value he surrendered and had £2billion left in change. As of December 2010 estimated gold reserves were as follows:-

US	8,133 tons
Germany	3,401 tons
Italy	2,452 tons
France	2,435 tons
UK	315 tons

The impact of the man’s stupidity is breathtaking.

My thoughts on the Rioters.. for anyone interested!!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 20:01:00 +0000

Like everyone else, we are watching the television aghast at the scenes spreading across the country. With Twitter promoting the "Hug a Hoodie" tag and others referring to these youths as "looting scum" and a tiny minority, feelings are running high and given the apparent lack of police protection my biggest concern was the call for vigilante type protection of private property, and a call for communities to "go out and stand up to these scum".

What sickened me most was the youths helping up an injured man whilst simultaneously emptying his rucksack. These people clearly have lost all sense of respect for others, all sense of respect and identity for themselves. But what they also are is a product of our society. Everything from immigration policy, taxation, cheap imports, easy credit, education policy, unemployment, housing - they have all contributed to the scenes we are currently witnessing. Minority or not, these people are currently a force to be reckoned with on our streets and we are struggling to contain this criminal behaviour. That is, after all, what it is - as the government are keen to stress. Any "message" they want to send the government or country was drowned with the indiscriminate aggression, petrol bomb and brick attacks on police and the complete ignorance of those wishing to say something who chose to speak through violence against those they should identify with, share a community spirit with and feel some sense of respect for.

But despite the message being drowned, we should start listening. Paying attention to those the majority of us never notice or acknowledge. I do NOT condone the violence, I do certainly think this rioting needs crushing fast and by whatever appropriate means required but to ignore the underlying causes would be a terrible mistake. I'm not talking about recent "cuts" which is a convenient scapegoat, this goes much much deeper.

I believe there is little sense of community in most towns and cities now. Families are so dispersed, everyone working long hours... ridiculous levels of political correctness in a society walking a tightrope in an attempt to enforce law and order in fear of the media's savage condemnation. And whilst national pride can be a terrible thing it is also necessary to a degree - or community pride. "Rights" (which I am SICK of hearing about) should be tempered with a sense of responsibility and the expectation that the government should always pick up the pieces. We have allowed social, racial and political hatred to blossom for fear of condemnation and positive discrimination thrives.

Let's get this straight, I do support the cuts, (most of them) and some of the attempts to get the current deficit down. We cannot afford to go the way of Greece and Spain, and the recent market volatility demonstrates the danger of downgrading of our credit-rating by any threat of defaulting on that debt. It is essential to see the "bigger picture" for the benefit of the many. But it is a heartless person who fails to acknowledge the individual struggling to be part of that "bigger picture". Yes "Big Society" *should* be more supportive, it is a commendable ideal - but at present that is honestly all it is. And without some serious grass roots change that is all it is likely to be. Short-termist opportunism on the part of far too many politicians so far removed from the world of those on the streets this week has placed a deep divide in society.

You might say there has always been a divide but it has changed in nature. The less well-off were always proud to be British, usually active in their communities and shared a sense of responsibility for each other and everyone else.
This seems to have been replaced in the hearts of many by a crazy, naiive hatred of those who have by some who don't which has largely happened due to the "ghettoisation" of these sink estates. They are so blinkered... someone who is working hard and making good (often from very deprived backgrounds too) is seen as a target for jealousy, even if it were someone from the same locality. Regulated wealth creation can only benefit everyone to a degree, but what is a long term "bigger picture" to someone so disenfranchised from the rest of society.

Instead of handing out benefits to the young, we should have them coupled with community tasks, payment for helping out. No - change the entire system so those unable to get a job independently can receive a minimum wage for a community-based task. It's the thin end of the wedge - but it's a start. Put some pride back in our communities, tag "responsibility" onto the "rights" people keep talking about. These riots should be dealt with swiftly and firmly. There is never an excuse for that kind of behaviour.... but maybe there is a reason and that reason needs someone to take notice, before what is left of our society disintegrates even further.

The fight continues...

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 19:24:00 +0000

This won't be a long post. I'm too tired, too cross, too frustrated.

You will have possibly have read my last post, "What 30th July *really* means to my son's teachers" . I had several comments, some of which I published. Some were deeply hurtful, from those uncomfortable with the obvious challenge to a minority of their profession, or ideals and dogma they held dear. That's fine, they're my "Musings", my comments, and I quite like writing hard hitting pieces and being controversial. If I don't make you think, I've failed.

But this post is more an opportunity to vent my spleen, on my own behalf, my son's behalf and on behalf of so many others I know who are struggling in a similar situation.

My son has always found life, and school in particular very challenging. Three years ago the school situation was so bad he faced permanent exclusion, His (then) Headteacher was told by the Council SEN Officer to permanently exclude so she could commence looking for an alternative SEN placement at a multi agency meeting at the school in early 2008. The Head refused (due to the stigma of permanently excluding a child..and also the commendable sentiment that she felt she could not give up on him) and thankfully things settled down a little. We battled for years until he finally received a Statement of Special Educational Needs. his last Annual Review was last December, six months late but he had recently moved schools, AND moved classes because the teacher of the class he was initially in told him “Autism is no excuse for bad behaviour” and said he was “just a spoiled brat”. (For this the teacher faced a disciplinary hearing and H moved into a parallel class). This new class is a job-share, which is not ideal for a child with Autism, but certainly one of the teachers at least has endeavored to understand and work with Harry, and he has excellent, caring and dedicated full time (incl breaks) 1:1 support.

At Parents' Evening in March we were told progress was good, all was well. No IEP but one would be sent home next week. Nothing. By June we were concerned that we had not received a copy of Harry’s IEP, let alone discussed it with anyone in school so I asked for a meeting with the school SENCO before the end of term. We had also been struggling at home and I wanted to touch base with her before next year, I knew H was really struggling socially in school and wanted to hear how she viewed the situation. The meeting was a bit of a shock because we had no idea school were struggling as much as we were, and also that H did not have an IEP! To be honest, although this is a serious matter it was not something at that stage we wanted to make a huge issue of, since they were putting in the full time support he should have, although not targeting it as appropriately as perhaps it should be. Also, I believed we had a good relationship with the school and preserving this is often more important than battling at every step, they care about H and have given him the full time support that he needs.

Since then school have obtained some support from the Inclusive Resource, a service in Suffolk assisting ASD kids in mainstream school. But H is utterly miserable, his behaviour is becoming more alarming and we have regressed to being unable to leave him alone with his younger siblings on whom he vents his frustration. I cannot take the children out alone as H is once again a danger to himself and his siblings, car journeys are very difficult and potentially dangerous. Having left these issues so late in the term there is apparently no possibility of further discussion/input before next term, so we are to be left in limbo over the summer with an incredibly challenging situation! So, with some trepidation I prioritised my son and family life over a good relationship with school.... because in truth, the school have not fulfilled their duty of care to H by failing to amend and update his IEP despite his allocated statement of SEN. The school has put us in an impossible position by telling us about the problems so late in the term and only once the situation has reached the point where exclusion is once again being mentioned. They have not fulfilled their responsibility in light of Every Child Matters because H is now a danger to himself and others including his siblings. Where does that leave us with a six week summer holiday looming? This is a situation largely created by school and it is NOT acceptable for them to wash their hands of it until next term.

It gets worse though. His report arrived home today. No progress in Numeracy this YEAR. No progress in Science. No progress in most other areas and half the targets in Literacy. Seriously - HOW is this "good" progress even in March? What did amuse me was the tick box on handing in homework on time though, he has not once HAD homework in the entire academic year. Oh, and participating in the Yr 4 assembly would indeed have been a notable achievement had he participated. Or sat with the rest of his Year group even, rather than at the side on a chair with his TA.

We did finally get an IEP too. A flow chart for a delinquent child really, with the most absurd "targets" bearing absolutely no relation or formal reference to the targets in his Statement. Is this REALLY the school with an SEN Unit? The largest Primary School in Suffolk? A school we chose for our son and moved a family of 6 for to get him a place? Or, is this really a sad comment on the pathetic attempt in our County and so many others in this Country to pay lip service to the needs of those on the Autism Spectrum? Closing all the specialist schools to save money and attempting to normalise everyone together, with a cross-country token once a month excuse for support? Is this really what we should accept as an education for disabled youngsters?

Well I for one am not putting up with it. I've written to the school, LEA and Chair of Governors. And I don't think anyone reading this should either. I don't need advice on helping my son be polite and calm. He is one of the most polite children I know when his anxiety levels are low and he is happy. That last is so important. In all of this we forget this is a CHILD. No child, disabled or otherwise will ever learn anything if they are not happy. Every Child really DOES Matter. Whatever their needs, and I'm totally sick of fighting for the needs of mine.

What does Thursday 30th June really mean to some of my son's teachers?

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 08:31:00 +0000

It is unlikely to have escaped the notice of anyone reading this in the UK that this Thursday, 30th June, there is a mass-walk out over pensions by teaching unions, the national discussion of which smacks of the "old days" of left v right as words like "Armageddon" and "bringing the country to its knees" are bandied about. I have never supported striking action, but then I have never been in a position when I felt desperate enough. Neither would I criticise or condemn a profession I am so out of touch with as a member, although I hold views as a parent on the education system. Certainly in the current economic and educational climate I am surprised the Government is further challenging teachers, who have by and large coped amazingly with the legislation of the past two decades. Also concerning is the potential far-reaching implications for future recruitment into the profession when morale is already low.

It is a comment on the vocational nature of teaching that after over a decade out of the job I still feel very much one of the profession. For me, teaching was my dream, the only job for me despite my father's very best efforts to tempt me with something more financially appealing. Just as my daughter does now, I would line the teddies and dolls up and play "school" writing out endless tasks for them, drawing elaborate pictures and plans and creating pretend schemes of work. Even around the age of five I was aware that a certain amount of planning had to be involved and Sindy and Strawberry Shortcake needed different support and imput if they were to realise their potential and keep pace with the bears.... so you can imagine my shock to learn that the parallel classes at my son's school do almost no cross-year planning, there are no agreed schemes of work and one child's experience in a single class is not guaranteed - or even likely -to be similar to his or her peers in parallel classes. This was straight from the new head, sheepishly admitting this was a point she wished to tackle - almost apologetically claiming she needed to "convince" the teachers to work together. Similarly, her staff were "legally entitled" to an hour's lunch break and she could not force them to offer clubs. Whatever happened to contractual responsibilities? Lunch supervision is no longer the responsibility of teachers, who also get planning time within the usual timetable. one lunch break a week running a club? Hardly a sacrifice and something I know many friends, former colleagues and teachers elsewhere offer without a second thought.

H's school has a reputation for apathy - but I believed this to be parental apathy. The turnout to the Year 4 "Meet the new Headteacher" meeting was indicative of that - with approximately ninety families in Year four, our school managed a turnout of seven parents. Seven. And two of us are former teachers. Even if two thirds of parents work..... that's just pathetic. Other school events are similar, and there are outstanding parent-governor vacancies from a year ago. This apathy it seems is endemic throughout the school however, and is as much caused by as a product of the lack of professionalism from the school. I commented that it has taken nearly a year for us to START feeling part of the school, since there is no "New parent Handbook", no newsletter, no parent/class reps, nothing. No way to contact parents of new friends to facilitate your child's settling into a new school and no information on how the school runs. I have no knowledge of the topics he is learning (you can be sure he won't tell me) and no concern with getting anyone to achieve anything over the average. Small wonder Ofsted down-rated them. If it were not for the sterling special needs support it would have little to offer us and many other families.

It IS unprofessional. Teaching is not a turning up to class five minutes before school starts, delivering mediocre lessons, hiding out in the staff room at break times in case you might get asked to do something and scuttling home the minute the children have left the premises. That is NOT what teaching is about for the vast majority of dedicated professional teachers in this country.

Is it an illusion that the majority of teachers teach because they want to, because something inside of them yearns to share in the educational journey of children who hopefully want to learn? I actually think it is the case for the vast majority of dedicated teachers in our schools. The long holidays enjoyed by teachers are always the butt of jokes but there was a trade off. As with any vocation, during term time you gave your heart and soul to the job. No one relished the extra lunchtime break duty having just sat down with a still-warm cup of coffee, the loss of any planning time when covering for a sick colleague - but everyone wanted the best for the pupils. I have some experience in both state and private sectors and job satisfaction and commitment to the profession was evident in both. But this professional pride has gradually been eroded by government initiatives, targets and second-guessing. Too many teachers leave the profession disillusioned, despairing at pupil behaviour, lack of respect from above and below.

As far as I can see the only way of steering the ship through such choppy seas is with a strong, charismatic leader. A Captain who has vision, energy and commitment. Who KNOWS who is in charge and is willing to make unpopular decisions. Someone who has enough belief in themselves, their staff and the school to carve a way forward through uncertain times. I couldn't do it, and I'm not sure I would want to in a sea of apathy and low morale. But what concerns me as my son moves into Year five with a new Captain at the helm is that I'm not sure she can either. His is the largest primary school in Suffolk and only the most dynamic, committed and positive Headteacher is going to have a hope of making a big enough difference. That's probably not someone who quotes their employees legal rights over lunchtime to a parent enquiring after school clubs.

Thursday 30th June may well be a landmark strike, certainly it is huge headache for the coalition. But for many teachers at my son's school it is a good excuse for a day off and little more. Which is incredibly depressing.

Prejudice

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 19:39:00 +0000

Prejudice."An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. A preconceived preference or idea."

Not something any of us would strive for, whether psychological, social, political or religious and yet we are all, every last one of us guilty of prejudice in many ways. OK, not extreme "racism", "sexism" etc that we all associate with the definition, but who doesn't make a premature judgement, hold a positive or negative attitude based on beliefs not facts at some point?

And where do you draw the line? Are you prejudiced for refusing to listen to a band's new album because you disliked the last an the lead singer has had recent bad press? Or swapping seats on the tube because the person next to you is drunk? We all make assumptions based on experience all the time. About pretty much everything.

"Prejudice is the glass through which most things are seen and judged."
Edward Counsel

Usually though, prejudice is harmless, expected and actually useful as we seek to make sense of our environment and protect ourselves from potentially unpleasant or even dangerous circumstances. What I am weary of is prejudice with a capital "P".

I have recently had a discussion online, once again, about medicating children with mental health issues - be it ADHD, anxiety etc. It is a challenging topic to discuss, not least because the vast majority choosing to discuss it are rarely well informed or experienced, and mostly because by supporting occasional, regulated medicating of under eighteens you are immediately seen as some pill pushing liberal who would try and medicate her kids for any little thing.

The Daily Mail has had a busy week already. I'll leave the discussion of Carly Cole and the "baby whisperer" in the Daily Mail to this excellent Blog reply although I could happily oblige. What really caught my eye, and not directly, was the tragic story someone linked to on an "Autism Support Forum" of a ten year old boy who killed himself. not a DM reader, such articles only come to my attention if they wind someone else up, usually via Facebook, but this time someone was actually citing the article for seemingly pointing out how wrong it is to medicate young children for disorders of the brain.

As I wrote at length here ADHD is not merely "boisterous behaviour" and medicating it is not merely sedation but Daily Mail readers do prefer simplified explanations. There ensued below the offending post a long discussion on parents "boasting" that they collected benefits for medicating their children, that there were "always alternatives" and poor parenting was to blame. The prejudice was almost palpable...

Oh the irony - and apparent hypocrisy - since only a couple of threads further down everyone had posted very supportive replies to the mother whose child had been prevented from playing with another because of prejudice. The child in question had Autism and their behaviour was seen as unpleasant. HOW can people not see the double standard? Any challenge from me was rebutted with "you obviously have a bee in your bonnet", to "not all parents are as comfortable about medicating their children". As those who have never had to go through what we and so many other parents have struggled with on a daily basis gave their opinions, I was reminded we were "all in this together" as if online togetherness legitimises Prejudice.

But it's not so much seeing "both sides", those who may "brag" about benefits etc are a tiny minority I would assume, but understanding the condition. If there were a pill to medicate for Autism, remove 90% of the behaviours who here wouldn't be tempted to try it? I would. When you have lived with severe ADHD on TOP of ASD and several other conditions AND have two others with complicated medical needs I think you do see the "bigger picture" - you live it every day. And how is medicating an issue with the brain using unlicensed medication any different from using medication licensed only for adults on children to treat asthma, or gastro conditions like our children? Can you really see much interest in an article based on those?

So next time you see a person with a child who appears fully mobile using a Blue Badge, the older child having a toddler tantrum in the supermarket, the child with a feeding tube who is eating enthusiastically... pause for thought before making assumptions. Likewise, as guilty as the next person of prejudice I am going to challenge myself before leaping to conclusions in areas in which I lack knowledge. My biggest problem as my friends will know is jumping in when in a hurry rather than taking the time (I don't have) to ponder!

We are all familiar with publicised and widely acknowledged prejudice but the popular, unchallenged assumptions we make all too frequently should always be challenged. The only way you can understand someone else's situation is to be them - without that inside knowledge we can only offer subjective opinion, which is still valid and useful, but should be acknowledged as such.

"It is natural to develop prejudices. It is noble to rise above them."
Or my favourite quote from a Winston advertisement:-

"You can judge me all you want, just keep your opinions to yourself" .

A hamster called "Pudding"

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 04 May 2011 09:37:00 +0000

I've never been one for hamsters.. cats and dogs yes, even guinea pigs and rabbits and I did threaten to wish for a gerbil if I couldn't have kitten as a child, but hamsters have always frightened me a little. This feeling didn't benefit from being forced to have a "class hamster" as an NQT - my parallel got the fish tank as pet interest in her class, I pulled the short straw which turned out to be a psychotic syrian hamster.

Our second son decided a few years back that hamsters - Russian Dwarf hamsters to be precise - were his alter ego. There wasn't much mileage in coveting a polar bear, and despite several years collecting the fake cuddly kind he moved on to hamsters. With some trepidation we gave in three years ago and bought him a hamster, and it has been one of the best decisions we have ever made.

Each little furry friend has brought out the best in H, helped him more in terms of emotional and social development than any person has. I even started writing a book "Even hamsters do PE" for children on the Autism Spectrum (and yes, that is copyrighted lol) after being totally amazed at the success our little furry friend has in persuading H to join in PE lessons. After all, hamsters climb and swing all day long, don't they?

But his current sidekick deserves the greatest accolade, having achieved the impossible. Lacking in empathy skills, patience and an understanding of time reward schemes have never worked with H. Why cooperate in the here and now for something on the horizon? A possible, a maybe, such concepts are meaningless to many with Autism. We've tried every sticker chart known to man over the years with little or no success.

Until now. It seems we were focussing on the wrong person - or creature. H wanted to stop his hamster biting when he picked her up from the cage - she is the friendliest little thing once held, but a big hand diving into her cage seems to bring out the territorial side in her. Of course to H (who speaks "hamster", of course) a star chart for a hamster is just as appropriate as one for a child. "Pudding" ("Christmas Pudding" actually, a Christmas gift with a penchant for sunflower seeds...) now has her very own star/sticker chart and H is rewarding her a sticker for every time he picks her up without getting bitten. The connection between effort and reward has suddenly "clicked" and to our amazement and delight H has suddenly seen the light. If his little furry friend can earn stickers and reap the rewards (note to self, stock up on the sunflower seeds) for persistent effort he wants to do it to. For the first time we have 100% "buy in" on a reward scheme - he cares, and understands, and it's working.

I hope the hamster keeps trying, we're definitely on to something here. But if not, I guess that's another point of learning - what happens when you stop cooperating? For now though, I am in awe of this tiny creature with her deep, black eyes and twitchy whiskers. She's achieved what we could not. Hamsters rock - forget puppets helping children with Autism, I'm sold on the pet idea. Especially little furry "Pokemon in disguise"! Who knows, maybe she can finish my book for me next?!

Dear Libby, re The Times "Opinion" 21st March 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 22:49:00 +0000

I may call you Libby, may I? Only you seem to know my family so well from your comments in Monday's (21st March) "Opinion" piece you wrote for The Times that we surely must be on first name terms. I do apologise for my delayed reply, as it is now a full two days since you wrote. Unfortunately my parenting inadequacies prevent me from taking a break from my 9 year old son to read newspapers most days, let alone successfully get him into bed before 11pm and find time to respond on an average night.

Your "insightful" comments on ADHD diagnoses and Ritalin prescription undoubtedly touched a raw public nerve but just how familiar are you with ADHD? According to the 1994, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ed IV (DSM-IV) ADHD is "a Disruptive Behaviour Disorder characterised by the presence of a set of chronic and impairing behaviour patterns that display abnormally levels of inattention, hyperactivity, or their combination." The diagnostic criteria clearly states that behaviours must be present at least six months and be to such a degree that they are maladaptive and inconsistent to developmental level. I would say multiple exclusions before age 6, landing younger siblings in A and E and rarely sleeping more than a few hours with frequent night terrors were a little more significant than uncontrolled naughtiness.

No doubt you would agree with the parent at H's school who told me I "should not have been allowed more children because I could not control my son" but it may interest you to know I have three other well adjusted, high achieving children who have never shown such behaviours in such a prolonged and detrimental way. I'm not speaking about the impact on the family or school either - and I can assure you I could write an essay on such effects - physical, emotional, psychological.... but you have already formed such hard-set opinions there would be little point. I am referring to the impact ADHD has on my son.

My 9 year old son is also Autistic, a condition commonly co-morbid with ADHD and vice versa. Without his ADHD medication we cannot tackle his Autism, and he was prevented from making appropriate social and emotional progress before his ADHD diagnosis. Most of each school day was spent under the table and anyone endeavouring to coerce or persuade him out would most likely be attacked. It has been a long journey unpicking his difficulties and we are by no means there yet, but ignorant accusations of social ills causing ADHD does little to help H and others like him in their daily battle to cope with the basics of life which so many take for granted. Maybe you could even ask someone with ADHD what their Ritalin does for them - those genuinely needing it often WANT to take it, without it they know they cannot stay in school/college, keep friends, stay out of trouble. Have you even MET anyone with ADHD?

Your comment about prescribing for under 6's was a valid and sensible one. Few would endorse it and a discussion of the point would have added value and perception to an ongoing dialogue. Sadly though, like many others you slipped into the classic trap of challenging the existence of a condition which has historically been shameful and poorly acknowledged. ADHD is not a new phenomenon. Asperger's Syndrome did not exist until Hans Asperger defined it in 1944 - but undoubtedly it was not a new collection of symptoms. The same is true of ADHD.

Neither is medication the only answer, a 1995 study showed that medication and behavioural therapy together, followed by medication only then therapy only had the best long term outcome. Without medication, few would reach stage 3. My son face permanent exclusion from from Key Stage 1, at age 7. I would hazard a guess that goes a little beyond infant "naughtiness". He had no friends and was desperately unhappy. He threatened to kill himself many times, jump out of windows... and he would try and run away. The World was a confusing and distressing place for him.

Whilst medication must always be respected and used with caution, and diagnostic criteria constantly re-evaluated there is a place for it in the valid treatment of a very real disorder. ADHD is real, and it IS a disability. If you cannot see that, then you have not had much experience of it, for which you should be thankful. You makes a valid comment about over diagnosis, overprescription and preschoolers getting medicated - sensible points you had the opportunity to sensibly explore but instead got totally sucked down the ADHD/Ritalin-bashing drainpipe. Because that's where it belongs - that kind of argument is outdated, disproven and belongs in the gutter.

All "Wow-ed Out".

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 20:19:00 +0000

There is an interesting phenomenon I have recently (and belatedly) become acutely aware of. It's not new, but is certainly becoming more prevalent. It's a pretty shocking in its apparent stupidity and appears to deviate from past dichotomies in society, which have long been profoundly entrenched.

I'm referring to the apparent need of some (mostly upper middle class) parents to appear to forget all reason and scale and indulge their children to obscene degrees almost as if they are forgetting that they are in fact children, and (unless visiting from some parallel universe where money does indeed grow on trees) children who will one day have to make at least some attempt at forging their own path in life. The children with every adult techno gadget available, with the adult designer labels I personally would covet if there were any likelihood of me obtaining them who are hurtling towards a kind of pre-pubescent immature adult status faster than their parents can offer the latest iPad.

The irony is that these children are usually the very ones who were spoilt toddlers and pre-schoolers, indulged with everything from the Great Little Trading Co. catalogue, the entire Mini Boden range at full price (rather than second hand via eBay or in their sale) and encouraged to stay young and pampered for so much longer than many of their peers. The thirteen year olds with the iPhone 4, iPad 2 and £1000 Jack Wills birthday spending voucher who have skipped so many years and hurtled into late teens/early adulthood from a delayed early childhood. At some point their parents appear to have decided that they no longer fit the "child" category and accept them as peers, negotiating allowances, bonuses and a social life most of us would be rather enviable of.

I do think Facebook, MySpace and all other social networking sites have a lot to answer for. Far too many youngsters are on Facebook long before thirteen, and even at that young age they are exposed to adult conversation and social interaction which in the past would they would not have been privy to. My son is a "friend" on Facebook, mainly so I can keep an eye on him but I think carefully before posting as HIS friends will obviously see some of what I post via his Wall. Why have we in the West been so eager to let our children rush the growing up process? It's a hard world out there... and some things are best left until later.

What on earth is the point of spoiling your children to the "n"th degree with no regard for childhood needs? Apart from anything else, how can you maintain the pace? A makeover party at six, a smart phone at eleven (on the internet, which you pay for and have virtually no control over) and a wardrobe to die for at thirteen. Not much left, is there? Oh, and the chauffeured car to a London show and the day trip to Spain - both PRIMARY age parties I have learned of too. What on *earth* is left? What value can these children possibly attach to life's rewards? They are, indeed, all "Wow-ed out". No excitement left, no opportunities to earn rewards, learn job satisfaction or experience that fabulous feeling only working really hard for a long time for something special can bring.

We are in grave danger of leaving our children with no aspirations, no excitement, no treats for the future. It is a sharp deviation from the clear child/adult distinction of the past, with the exception of the modern super rich celebs who are perhaps the leaders of this trend. There have always been economic variations and a spectrum of what children enjoy but families of different means on the whole agreed that children were children and treated as such.

We've just returned from the children's swimming lessons where two girls about age 12 were wearing Jack Wills/Joules/Uggs/insert trendy casual designer of your choice, and were carrying handbags I would be chuffed to bits to own. They both had iPhone 4s AND Pandora bracelets whilst their Mum was dressed almost identically. Pandora? At a SWIMMING lesson? Seriously. And then there's the child whose mother bought him an iPhone to keep him busy on the school bus - at age 10. He lost it a week later (unsurprisingly) having run up a considerable bill for internet usage.

These are not meant to be the trappings of childhood.... surely a subscription to the local Pony Club or karting lessons would be more appropriate if parents have more money than they know what to do with? We are very fortunate,and our children don't do badly but they are children, and I am thankful their wants (so far!) have not escalated to such heights. It is incredibly tough being a parent today, there are so many temptations to navigate both ourselves and our children safely through but if we drop our guard and give in we do them a tremendous disservice. After all, very few of us are likely to be able to keep our children in the manner to which too many are becoming accustomed once they have left home and at some point the hard lessons of life will have to be learnt. The chances of them all landing such affluent lifestyles are slim, and we would be setting them up for a very steep fall.

A study out this week suggested British children are amongst the unhappiest in the Western World, and small wonder. Their simple pleasures are being destroyed or removed by Health and Safety concerns, media exaggerated scares and too many well-off kids are being completely deprived of being just that - kids. We are confusing our children and setting them a largely impossible challenge in life, that of finding happiness and satisfaction when everything they could ever aim for has been handed them on a plate.

Why I support Free Schools

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 20:14:00 +0000

As a past teacher and current parent of four (whose ages span 4-13) with considerable involvement over many years in a variety of schools I deplore the narrow restrictions of the National Curriculum. The neglect of the individual, the abandonment of meeting the needs of the spectrum of ability in favour of focussing on bringing the bottom up to meet the mean. Our schools fail too many children. Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8limRtHZPs and tell me you don't know a Bee or a Fish or a Squirrel in that video. I intensely dislike putting children in boxes and expecting an average outcome.

I have seen too many bright children classed as disruptive because they should be in a different environment, Special Needs kids deprived of an SEN place because our County pioneered inclusion and closed the moderate special needs places and no longer *really* recognises Gifted and Talented kids. Schools focussed on PR missions, social need and community status, banging on about funding when some of the best schools have far, far lower per capita funding and achieve phenomenal results.

The Free School campaign does not need to condemn or criticise any other school, yet so many people feel incredibly vulnerable in the face of it. The focus of this campaign is choice.

I have four children at three different schools and am considering Home Educating one, because "one size" does NOT fit all. Communities and individuals have unique and wonderfully different requirements. And before you slam the "snob" criticism at me one of my children is at a large primary in a deprived area - because it is on the whole a good school with a truly fantastic and inspirational SEN department. I look at my children as individuals, not a group and that was how I taught my classes. An individual school may well be a wonderful for some, and if it is it will continue to attract many pupils and maintain its funding - why the insecurity? But it cannot be - as no school can - a wonderful place for all children. I love the opportunities Free Schools bring - meeting local need for local people for the children who might otherwise NOT have their needs fully met. I deplore "Big government", the red tape which restricts so many of us meeting the needs of our children.

Education is a legal requirement - how it is delivered is not. Free Schools will have to meet certain criteria to qualify for funding and local groups will have the freedom to determine the rest. What a fantastic opportunity - personally I am hoping for an increase in variety to meet the needs of our young people in the 21st Century.

Sibling Rivalry

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:05:00 +0000

There is Rivalry, there is Sibling Rivalry, and then there is TWIN Sibling Rivalry.
Despite being a fairly old (and feeling it now!) hand at this parenting business, the strength, depth and emotional energy invested in the rivalry between my twins never ceases to stun me. Don't get me wrong, they love each other to bits, and in fact are probably closer than many sets of fraternal twins but born of that closeness and intimacy is this effervescent, almost explosive competitive urge that exists between them.

In September, we asked a great deal from them. They moved house, moved from Nursery School to Big School (and a new big school at that) and gained their own bedroom each for the first time. The house move was fine, incredibly positive and enthusiastic about most things they took that in their stride. The separate room issue wasn't in fact an issue after all. Separate classes at school has proved a little more problematic though, and curiously not for the obvious reason! Yes, they do indeed miss each other - for the first few weeks they would peer through the glass of the door linking both Reception classes and occasionally burst through for a cuddle. They play together most of the time at playtime, although our daughter is making a few tentative friendships much to her twin brother's disgust! What surprised me was the nature of the BIG issue about being separated at school! They are both incredibly concerned that they might be missing out on something the other is doing!

Obvious really, and I should have twigged that one I guess, but I was thinking more needy, cosy emotional thoughts rather than harsh, bare faced competitive "my day was better than your day" stuff and "our story was absolutely the best too!" Even after over a term they compare notes first thing after school and God help the innocent teacher who has deviated from the identical parallel class lesson plan - be sure you will be found out and reported! They are currently learning about Space, an exciting topic which has totally grabbed K and A. They have raced to learn the planets in order, both pointed out that Pluto is NOT a planet and fought (hard) over who takes which book in to show....

The arguments are wearing, frustrating and continue over everything possible ("My soap has nearly runned out, your's hasn't so you can't have washed properly!" until bedtime when I don't even ATTEMPT to attain consensus on a story. I just read two, whatever. Separately. With one page turner at a time. Thank you.

But I guess what I find most interesting about their competitiveness is that it is ONLY about the trivial, the mundane, the almost meaningless at times. When it comes to the REAL differences they never, ever comment. I wonder sometimes whether this is because it really doesn't bother them - that A reads well whilst K has barely started, that K used to swim fantastically well whilst A wallowed and splashed - but now he's overtaking her in the physical stakes too - or whether it is because those things are non-negotioable. You cannot argue black is white on something there is little room for opinion on. Subjective topics lend themselves far better to competitive rivalry and useful blame culture opportunities. But it does concern me a little that there is never any mention of the *real* issues when striving for twin supremacy.

I would think it would be really, really annoying and not a little frustrating to have a twin sibling excel at pretty much everything and we have always made a HUGE effort to praise across the board, for all achievements in all areas with our four, very different children. What I would really, really like to believe is that the reason there has never been any verbal competition on such issues between the children, not even the twins is that we've succeeded. At least a little bit. That the kids are pretty self confident on the whole, and sure of themselves and what they can do and where they are going without endless comparisons between themselves. I would love to believe that, because sometimes this parenting lark is pretty tough and it would really help, quite a lot actually if I thought I was doing something like that well.

I'll hang on to that thought... it's been a tough month.

Thought provoking.....

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 20:55:00 +0000

As we struggle again with Harry and school a friend sent me the link to this... it's very very very thought provoking, a "must watch" .

Happy New Year!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 20:19:00 +0000

The new school term began today, a week too early for our liking! I always find it so bizarre that the one holiday when there is plenty going on, with brand new entertainment for the children is always the shortest break of the school year. Our four are exhausted, and need a week post-festivities to sleep and recover, and they are not the only ones since I am stuck yet again in a cycle of insomnia partially fuelled by K's current inability to sleep more than two hours in one go. You would really think by now, after 13+ years of motherhood (yes, I really AM that old!) that broken nights would be a piece of cake, something so second nature I would be able to sleep anywhere. The irony is that Richard CAN and DOES fall asleep like that whilst it is me who is woken countless times each night!

Admittedly we have had some variety over the years... reflux being the biggest sleep stealer of course. Tube feeds, venting tubes and medication-giving took its turn and hysterical screaming from H who would insist every night "I'm not tired and I'm NOT going to bed" until 1am. Or at least at 1am I eventually gave in and he crawled into our bed and asleep or not he was still enough for me to grab a few hours myself before the screaming started again. The award for most original reason for not needing to go to bed has to go to A who recently informed us he wasn't tired at all, and that his eyelids were "just resting"! Chronic sleep deprivation doesn't get easier though, the cotton wooly feeling in my head on the bad days makes me long for my once-sharp mind. I have forgotten or somehow lost the ability to fall asleep and remain asleep all night - even when the children surprise me by doing so! When recently signing up for an ADHD parenting course I wryly asked the administrator if there was a module on coping with Extreme Sleep Deprivation. It isn't a form of torture for nothing.

So today all four returned to school and the mental olympics required for the past two and a half weeks are once again confined to mornings and evenings only- and I can give in to the cotton wool mush in my head until the coffee kicks in without constantly wondering what son number two will get up to next. His latest trick is running off - I say latest but in fact this is not new, just revisited but this time with a little more determination on his part. It scares me silly, but when I have the younger two with me also all I can do is stand still and hope he will return. he usually does however and thankfully so far agrees to wear the ID tag I bought him when out and about.

So it was with some trepidation that I went to collect him from school at 3.15pm today. Would he have run off at school or managed to stay the course with no meltdown? His one-to-one support brought him out to me and informed me he had, on the whole had a good day. "Good" allowed for a lesson refusal, classroom outburst and general bolshy pre-teen behaviour, but that is as "good" as it gets right now. I had to laugh though... her parting comment (and I know her well now, and took no offence) was "I don't know how you manage!". As I watched him crawling on his tummy under the metal fencing around the restricted area currently in his playground, below the KEEP OUT sign I had to smile. I didn't know there was a choice!!

Happy Christmas!!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 20:33:00 +0000

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

To the Tune of "Twelve Days of Christmas"

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 21:13:00 +0000

On the First day of Christmas my family gave to me.... Dr Who on the TV

On the Second Day of Christmas my family gave to me... Two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the Third Day of Christmas my family gave to me... Three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my family gave to me...Four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the fifth day of Christmas my family gave to me... Five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the sixth day of Christmas my family gave to me...Sixth (litter)box of cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the seventh day of Christmas my family gave to me... Seven hours of sleep, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the eighth day of Christmas my family gave to me...Eight loads of washing, seven hours sleep, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the ninth day of Christmas my family gave to me... Nine different medicines, eight loads of washing, seven hours sleep, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the tenth day of Christmas my family gave to me...Ten O’Clock and counting, nine different medicines, eight loads of washing, seven hours sleep, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my family gave to me...Eleven miaows of hunger, ten o’clock and counting, nine different medicines, eight loads of washing, seven hours sleep, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four homework projects, three Christmas shows, two bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my family gave to me...A full case of wine! eleven miaows of hunger, ten o’clock and counting, nine different medicines, eight loads of washing, seven loads of washing, sixth box with cat pee, five massive tantrums, four finished projects, three Christmas shows, empty bags of Cranberry and Dr Who on the TV.... With a large G & T!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

To cheer up an exhausted and stroppy four year old!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 21:15:00 +0000

I have this little girl

She really is so pretty

I tried to choose the perfect name,

And so I called her “Kitty”.

She has the very best of smiles

The kind you want to see

And so I want to cheer her up

To make her smile for me.

I love her when she’s cross

I love her when she’s sad

I love her each and every day

But I would rather see her glad!

But really it’s that smile I miss

Which brightens up her face

So help me cheer her up today

Because Kitty is just ACE!

Sorry for going MIA

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 14:33:00 +0000

As you can imagine, moving a family of size is quite a challenge and very often the physical act of "moving" is only the tip of the iceberg. R likes to quote his favourite "80:20" rule, where 80% of the work takes 20% of the time and the remaining 20% the remaining 80% of the time! I have come to realise (yet again!) how apt this is.

We were all unpacked and ostensibly settled within a week, but the slow process of establishing local health, education and social links is taking a while. Having all four children under various consultants is a nightmare to say the least and unfortunately the most conveniently located GP practice has proved to be possibly the least sympathetic and helpful in the town! They have lost clinic letters, made errors on repeat prescription and "accidentally" sent referral letters to the wrong places.... I knew it wasn't going to be easy but establishing adequate local healthcare has been as arduous as wading through waist-high treacle in a snowsuit. I think.

I've always tried to write about topical subjects, or at least topics in which I am interested in or can relate to, and this is partially the reason for a lack of posts in recent months. Having neither the time to "think" outside the family box has prohibited any ponderings beyond the essential and urgent! I've also felt rather lost and uneasy because although we have struggled with the twins' medical issues since birth, the reflux everyone has in the family and H's issues I did at least think I understood them. Maybe not where we were going but at least where we came from and where we are now! However, we now have a diagnosis, which makes an earth shattering amount of sense and would seem to be the missing and most elusive piece of the complex jigsaw which is our family. I should be jumping for joy you may think, and indeed I would like to shout from the rooftops that I am NOT a neurotic mother and there is a very real disease affecting our family with which we have to cope day in, day out. However there is no cure, it isn't going to go away and there is no no hope of a magic wand.

The twins have been diagnosed with EGID - Eosinophilic Gastro-Intestinal Disease. It is an autoimmune allergic response which leaves the gut damaged by white blood cells called eosinophils which attack it. The only ways of treating it are by strict dietary restrictions (so now we are off dairy soya AND wheat again...) and anti allergy meds, and maybe steroids. (No we are NOT going there...) We have such a strong family history of allergies, gastrointestinal problems and autoimmune disease it shouldn't be a surprise. I have suffered mildly all my life with gastro problems and more so with allergies, reflux as an adult and have autoimmune thyroid disease so I should be well informed, strong and understanding enough to deal with this. But I take a little white pill to artificially do what my self-destroyed thyroid cannot, there is no such "fix" for EGID. In older children it presents as further gastro issues but also with joint pain and problems, and hypermobility and hypermobile joints too - all four children are now under Podiatry and we are hoping it will help J's back pain too.

We are lucky, it's rare and many with it are totally enterally (tube) fed since they are allergic to all foods and my kids are essentially fit and well. However, the reflux goes from bad to worse, the bloating, the constipation - it doesn't go away. Imagine it being the highlight of the WEEK if your child successfully empties his bowels? Or you sleep right through because no one wakes choking on reflux, or sweats so much they need their sheets changing?

Right now I'm feeling a little adrift... relieved, yet bereaved that virtually all hope of the elusive magic wand has now gone. If I'm honest I'm angry too, I didn't "sign up" for this and neither did the children. I'm in denial at times too, it comes in waves! I'm turning the anger, frustration, sadness and denial into some positive energy and am now helping found a Parent Network for families with gastrointestinal disease with GOSH. Extremely worthwhile and a good distraction too.

FABED - Families affected by Eosinophilic Disorders a fantastic site with a discussion forum. useful inof if anyone is interested in finding out more!

SEN - the educational rollercoaster

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 19:58:00 +0000

Several friends have asked me recently for advice/information on forging a path through the maze that is Special Educational Needs to obtain even adequate support for their child. On our journey to finally obtain such support I have learned a huge amount, most of it through experience rather than research. The inaccessibility of SEN policy and practice in individual schools and at County level continues to astound me. I've experienced schools with their pupils best interests at heart struggling to make themselves heard by their County SEN Officers (assuming they actually HAVE one and the post incumbent hasn't gone on maternity leave with the post left unfilled in the interim) and those for whom the official requirements of SEN best practice appear to be an unpleasant hindrance should they find the time to address them.

Who in their wisdom assumed mainstream schools were the best places for virtually all special needs? Closed the schools, units and support teams dedicated to supporting those for whom mainstream education is at best a patchwork of second and third best options and at worst a living nightmare? It wouldn't be so bad if the funding had been diverted to provide for such children.

Schools today are charged with meeting their pupil's educational AND emotional needs (Education Act 1996) which is a key point. It (and the SEN Code of Practice) also set out the requirement to monitor progress (as before) and ensure those with additional needs were adequately supported. "A child has a SEN if he/she has a significantly greater difficulty in learning than the majority of other children or has a disability that prevents or hinders him/her making use of mainstream facilities." This means the government has a legal responsibility to meet social and emotional needs as well as educational ones. It is now against the Law to discriminate against disabled pupils in admissions, access to the curriculum, school trips, after school clubs and anywhere on the school premises. (The Disability Descrimination Act 1995 also supports this.)

It's all too easy for your Autistic son, daughter with ADHD, wheelchair using pre-schooler etc to be advised the after school multisport club is not an option because of x, y z (insert preferred excuse) but schools are simply not allowed to do this. It may seem totally reasonable that the very young and inexperienced football coach cannot cope with a child with Asperger's and ADHD but that ISN'T your child's problem. you might completely understand why your autistic child in Reception might not cope with the proposed excursion but that is a problem for the school to solve. If your child is in mainstream education then it IS the school's responsibility - rightly or wrongly.

A child deemed to be struggling in school should be assessed (as all children are constantly in school) and if not making progress (academically, socially, emotionally, physically etc) then they should have a termly IEP or Individual Education Plan. This should be related and explained to parents at termly IEP meetings and this should be in ADDITION to the usual parent-teacher meetings. Clear goals should be set out and if unmet or not even partially met after two terms then consideration needs to be made to step up the support. It is essential that you attend these meetings and keep copies of all IEP documents to refer to later.

The Code of Practice for Special Educational Needs recommends a graduated approach to intervention and support. They are as follows:-
1) School Action - where support is 100% school based, with termly IEP meetings and clear targets for progress.
2) School Action Plus - where outside agencies are involved. this might be speech and language therapy, intense physio, enteral feeding, ADHD medication under a psychiatrist.
3) Statement of Special Educational Needs

School Action is the initial stage of concern but even at this level the school should liase with the educational psychologist for advice where appropriate. In our experience schools do not always have a good relationship with their Ed Psych's and often feel they have somehow "failed" when they have to call the Ed Psych in - as if they couldn't "fix" the problem in school. It's important to focus on the child's needs and keep referring to IEPs, reports and meeting logs to avoid being swayed! Ed Psychs are difficult to pin down, overworked and probably underpaid they cover huge areas and you may well be told in retrospect your child has been seen by yours. I really recommend writing to yours (County Education Website should provide addresses etc) and requesting you are notified of an impending visit and say you would like to have the opportunity to discuss your child with them on that date too. Too many school's fail to consult the Ed Psych until School Action Plus is getting your child nowhere, and a Statutory Assessment begins to look likely.

A Statutory Assessment is a detailed investigation of your child's special educational needs and what provision is needed to meet those needs. It is not a step many councils take lightly! you can request one yourself (sample letter here) but you will most likely get turned down first time. Don't be put off, our school refused to back us initially, we appealed, referring carefully to Educational law and Best Practice. In H's case he was being excluded several times a WEEK by age 6... clearly not therefore having "full access to the Curriculum" and it was this assertion which won us an Assessment. Don't even mention the word "Statement" as everyone immediately looks the other way and starts singing "Tra-la-la!!!" very loudly! Statements cost around £5K to complete, they are legally binding documents - small wonder few councils jump at the chance to initiate then.

A Statutory Assessment doesn't always lead to a Statement, and again you can appeal (don't be afraid to do so) and if you have requested it yourself DO take advice. Agencies like IPSEA are a mine of information. USE them! Even if you do actually secure a Statement sadly the battle doesn't stop there.

Only today, I was discussing this with H's psychiatrist. (Whom he has to see for ADHD support/medication) The SEN system is so flawed.... children struggle to extreme levels, many spend months out of school, most finally get support, but as soon as this support works, the Council remove it because it's too costly and your child is coping better! Our son finally has the 1:1 support his Statement and Dr say he must have, and it works. 100%. total transformation in school..... but his Annual Statement Review is due and we are terrified the current level of support will now be reduced, precisely because it is working. Eighteen months ago we were on the brink of permanent exclusion - a step extremely difficult to reverse as a friend's son has found. He spent a year out of school, and is finally in an appropriate setting. but guess what? He's doing better, his place at that Special School costs the County a fortune so now he's doing so well they want him back in mainstream!!!

Honestly, it beggars belief. How we can condemn these children to an educational lifetime on a rollercoaster like this? I'm dreading the next dip.... because it isn't ok to be seen to be doing well, that suggests there are resources to be saved somewhere. For the time being though, having fought for 5 years to see our son better supported in school we have reached that point - where he is happy, he is in school, learning and is slowly making friends. He is welcome in ALL clubs, invited on trips and is just one of many. Bliss. Long may it ast, but sadly I don't hold much hope of that!

The genetics of ADHD - my views on the study debated today

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 16:32:00 +0000

I have listened to this debate all day and quite frankly am totally mystified as to how two so called "experts" feel mudslinging is going to assist in the worthwhile investigation into the causes of ADHD. Jeremy Vine on BBC2 was in his element egging on the Ritalin-bashing extremists, allowing clinical psychologist Oliver James free rein to get on his soap box - which he leapt on and duly blamed all parents of children with ADHD as being dysfunctional with poor parenting skills.

Frankly I take offence at that and invite Oliver James to come and visit our family and a few others I know who are equally furious at his assertions.

So what is all the fuss about? Well, apparently the "first direct evidence of a genetic link to attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder has been found, a study says." Scientists from Cardiff University, writing in The Lancet, said the disorder was a brain problem like autism - not due to bad parenting. They analysed stretches of DNA from 366 children who had been diagnosed with the disorder.But other experts argued ADHD was caused by a mixture of genetic and environmental factors. (Oliver James the most vehement critic.)

Unfortunately, the PR team given the task of publicising said study took a leaf out of Alistair Campbell's book and produced a report the King of Spin himself would have been proud of, neglecting to focus on the key point the research did demonstrate. Whilst there are bound to be crossovers with so many other co-morbid conditions the fact remains that a genetic link appears to be there, at least in some children with ADHD. Given that there are also several types of ADHD (ask my son, he'll list them for you) I do think this is significant, and it's a start. Not an end point and yes there are flaws but a valuable contribution to ADHD research. I don't think anyone is saying ADHD is only ever genetically caused but let's give the study credit where due and give parents a break.

Any parent with a child with an ADHD diagnosis, particularly if they have other non-ADHD children, is likely to tell you it is a combination of nurture and nature. To my mind there is absolutely no doubting the genetic link, ADHD runs in multi-class, fully functional families I know and pursuing accusations of bad parenting do an incredible disservice to the hard work of bringing up a child with ADHD. Imagine a child waking screaming and shouting every morning at 6am, threatening siblings, running away, self-harming, and frequently excluded from school - the parent of that child has to work 24/7 parenting and protecting the rest of the family in extreme circumstances. Apportioning blame is disrespectful and insulting. If you haven't been there you have NO idea.

Oh, and my other three exhibit no such behaviours, all parented the same way, and actually the child with ADHD had the calmest pregnancy of the lot. Without Ritalin he would have been permanently excluded by the age of 6 and would be uncontrollable. More importantly he LIKES taking it as he can concentrate, learn at school and feels better about himself as a result. He is happy, manageable and has friends. No parent likes giving their child medication and in all cases you have to weigh up the pros and cons but persisting in stigmatising children with ADHD and their families helps no-one. Time to stop Ritalin-bashing, support parents and fund decent research.

Indigo Children - a reality or ASD/ADHD or just bad parenting?!

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:19:00 +0000

This post is on a subject I have recently given considerable thought to.

I've struggled with son number 2 for most of his 8 years. He does have a variety of diagnoses to his name including Autism and ADHD and I invariably notice similar traits all too easily in others, and in my other children also. That is not to say any of the other three would deserve similar diagnoses but since the Autism Spectrum is just that - a spectrum - many of us share some of the aspects which combine to warrant a full blown diagnosis in those more profoundly affected.

What I also notice in my younger two in particular is how sensitive, aware and opinionated they are. They are old for their years in so many ways, bright and able yet certainly less socially adept than my eldest was at 4. They are intuitive and impatient with those less so, have their own agenda and can be alarmingly vocal about it. This is not an immaturity typical of a child two years younger, exhibiting tantrums borne of communication difficulties. And unlike the child on the Autism Spectrum, who shares many characteristics with the so called "Indigo Children" my twins can tell you exactly what they need and want, communicate their feelings in great detail and are acutely aware of others' feelings also. They are far more self assured than I was at their age for sure, yet I have parented them in the same way as their older siblings!

I read The Indigo Children recently having been kindly sent a copy. To be perfectly honest, I'm more a science-based kind of girl, preferring Dawkins and Schrodinger to crystals and New Age theories. I prefer to view the world in all its complexity through the concepts of science rather and have absolutely no time for auras, the paranormal or synesthesia which is how Wikipedia prefers to classify the Indigo concept. But the books I have read on Indigo Children are slightly unsettling - because the certainly do describe familiar traits which I see in my children.

Many children labelled indigo by their parents are diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and Tober and Carroll's book The Indigo Children linked the concept with diagnosis of ADHD. Their book makes the case that the children are a new stage of evolution rather than children with a medical diagnosis, and that they require special treatment rather than medications. This I can understand, some prefer to consider a "problem" as a desirable variant of "normal" . Certainly the number of children receiving a diagnosis of ADHD and/or Autism is on the increase and discussion of this generally accepted fact is frequently in the news and professionals are keen to determine whether this is better recognition of both conditions or an increase in their manifestation/occurrence which would be somewhat disturbing. Advocates of the concept of the "Indigo" child would respond that this is due to a surge of "old souls" (old before their time - self assured, confident, opinionated, not reincarnated) born since the 1970s who are misunderstood and misdiagnosed.

But I don't see ADHD in my younger two, some ASD traits yes but none more than your average 4 year old with a brother on the spectrum and I really don't feel comfortable with the "Indigo" label. Which leaves little else other than parenting style. As an historian with a keen interest in social history and in particular the social history of children I know the place of children in society has been revolutionised. From the early modern idea of children as essential, unavoidable and lower status providers to the family economy to the Victorian opinion that well-off children should be "seen and not heard" and poorer children were an economic resource or an inconvenience the lot of the child in history has - on the whole - been secondary to that of their parents and other adults. Many children never saw their first birthday, let alone their fifth and whilst loved and cherished by their mothers rarely attracted the fawning over we see today.

I see it everywhere, through the advertising of children's toys and luxuries, the play schemes and activities and in the attitude of many parents who live their lives through and for their children. I'm as guilty as the next in becoming caught up in the desire to give my children a good start, hoping for if not the best certainly a desirable close second in the many choices we make for them. I've resisted the rooms full of toys though, the luxury parties and excessive wardrobes of clothes but my four don't do badly! But I do expect respect and good behaviour from them and will not tolerate demands and tantrums. Yet despite our attitude at home the rapid elevation in society of children to a status far above that of their parents (at times) is infectious and has to have contributed in some way to the behaviour issues so many of us see so often today. The way we are encouraged to leap on every little issue, meet every single need at every level and don't even get me started on the concept of "safeguarding" which has legitimised society-wide interference which further devalues parents.

The pendulum seems to have swung too far the other way, precipitating a child-dominant culture which has nurtured and encouraged the Indigo type. I actually think the Indigo personality is a reality (I suspect I have two borderline Indigos here!) but I honestly believe this is a product of the social changes we have seen since our economic circumstances have enabled a radical remodelling of our children's role in society. Parents have been under fire for too long, for ignoring their child's needs at their own expense when a little balance would satisfy everyone's basic needs. Indigos are only here to stay if we perpetuate the necessary environment for them to flourish in. There is a HUGE difference between a smart, opinionated kid with an advanced awareness of their place in society and a child with ADHD and/or ASD and confusing the two does a huge disservice to the latter group. Indigos are a product of the social changes in recent decades in my opinion and different (rather than bad (or good)) parenting and a clear reminder of the direction we find the world heading in.

Social Networking & Facebook v Twitter?

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 21:53:00 +0000

My eldest son recently joined the ranks of Facebook users and has alarmed us with the speed in which he became addicted to it. This was in fact a completely harmless addiction to the application "Farmville" (rather than the immediate embracing of virtual human interaction to our great relie) but nonetheless got me thinking.

I have used Facebook for years- before that I frequented a couple of parenting forums which I still occasionally use now. Before our second child was born Ihad barely discovered the internet but post-natal depression, a complicated baby and a move to a new area left me isolated and lonely. I craved interaction of any kind but had little confidence to break in to the local parenting circuits. Even once better integrated I felt drawn to online communication, a "fast-food" and "safe" alternative to making the effort to go out and socialize. Somehow with less on offer ( no visibility for a start, make-up, clothes etc don't matter online!) there was less to lose but surprisingly a lot to gain. Over the past 8 years I have made many online friends, several of whom I have gone on to meet up with, some on a regular basis. I found the opportunity to gradually get to know others in this way helped me meet people I have a lot in common with but whom I might never have met in real life.

Of course online forums facilitate the meeting of like minds- and in my case provided me with much-needed support when dealing with severe reflux with our twins. So valuable have I found such sites that I went on to support others myself. One site in particular has achieved what a non-virtual organization could not- worldwide membership, sponsorship and funding through rapid promotion and campaigning. The power of social networking online is phenomenal. My friend and her s Facebook campaign at Christmas got "Rage at the Machine" to No.1 and raised £100 000 for Shelter.

But back to the question posed in the title. Facebook or Twitter? For me, the former held great appeal as a "one stop shop" online. Keep up with everyone in one place. Quickly. An even quicker fix for socializing..... and yet that is precisely the problem. We don" t all live in one big community where everyone knows one another. Our daily lives involve many groups of people, some overlap, but even when they do it is likely to be in the manner of a Venn Diagram rather an a complete overlay. We rarely say te same things, share the same information, same mannerisms etc with everyone we know. A status update on Facebook though, unless you take time and effort to change preferences, each time will go to everyone on your friend list every time. And that's not all. The popularity and ubiquitous nature of Facebook in youth culture is redefining not only the WAY our children interact but WHOM they interact with. Children as young as 8 are using Facebook and I wonder how many parents realize that through "friends of friends" their children have a window into the world of much, much older children- and adults. We try and protect out children from so much and yet it is all so "innocently" available online.

For me, Facebook has become too intrusive, too open, too all-encompassing. It's a fantastic platform through which to keep in touch with friends from all walks of life- but that's how I think I want my life to stay - partitioned, at least to an extent. One of my friends today pointed out it was scary having her dad on Facebook - how many want their parents of any age having that level of knowledge of our personal lives? Actually though, i think having your children on there focusses the mind far far more!!

There is a lot to be said for a little anonymity, and less can definitely be more. I for one forget too easily the wide audience a simple status update has which can precipitate confusion and upset all too easily! I like the brief, simple concept of Twitter, and find myself drawn to it more and more. Maybe it is a comment on my life now more than anything, the fact that there is less need for in-depth online interaction than in the past but I firmly believe that our social lives whether based on age, life stage or location are there for a reason and the potential consequences of forgetting, or ignoring that alarm me.

Quote of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Twins plus Two) — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:29:00 +0000

"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport