Musings of a Narcissistic Mind

Facing My Own Repetitiveness

2014-03-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

I discovered some years ago that I repeatedly ask the same questions, think on the same handful of topics, and care about the same few issues. I’m highly conscious of this in myself and I’m curious whether it is as obvious to others about me as it is to me about myself. I want to know whether it is irritating to some. Also, have you noticed it within yourself as well?

Some on my list of “Questions that Just Never Go Away” are:

1) Communication – how does it work, what is it?

2) Love – What is it? How does it work?

3) The transient nature of feelings of all kinds

4) Self awareness – and related to that, unconscious behaviors

5) How to feel fulfilled

6) What constitutes work? Is all worthwhile work visible? I have a different view of this than many people, I think.

Those of you who recognize a pattern of asking the same questions again and again within yourself throughout your whole life in order to get the deepest possible understanding on these subjects, do you mind sharing these questions/topics with me?

If you do not relate to constant self reflective questions, what is your reaction to this as an idea?

Young Living Essential Oils

2014-02-23T14:28:00.001-08:00

As most of you are aware, I am a distributor for Young Living Essential Oils. I go back and forth with actively selling the oils. I have had periods of time when I was quite active, in between much more common and lengthy periods of inactivity. Some of you have voiced interest in the oils and I have not been on the ball for you. I would like to apologize about that.

I greatly enjoy doing research and my life is in a place where I’m interested in actively selling again. If you have any questions, concerns or personal stories you’d like to ask or share with me, please do, either publicly or privately. I will devote one to two days a week to responding to these kinds of questions.

If you have a question but feel fearful I will try to push things on you and this holds you back, please allow me to assure you that I will not push anything on you. I will answer your question to the best of my ability and leave it up to you to decide whether you’d like to try the oils or oil infused products available through YLEO or not. I’m also not entirely biased to this company. If I think there is a better product on the market that YL does or does not produce, I do not shy away from sharing that information as well.

Good Health to You!

Snapshot of Yesterday Afternoon

2014-02-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

The sky is a powdery blue today. The land is blanketed in a thick layer of snow. A blustery wind blows chilly air all around outside. The latest top 40 countdown is playing in the background while I write various overdue blog topics. I am wearing ear plugs. The children are playing to my right in the living room, building pillow forts. Daddy is working on a project in the shop. It has been a graceful day, unrushed yet full of things getting accomplished; cooking, shopping, talking, loving, eating, cleaning.

It is a good day.

Fitness

2014-02-23T14:24:00.001-08:00

In my ever cycling relationship with health and fitness, I’ve recently come out of a slump. About four months ago I found the motivation to start caring for myself physically once again. The beauty of falling into a slump at all is that starting again is so much easier once you’ve done it before.

I jumped back into my intense workouts without working myself up to it. It may have been a bit of a mistake to push myself that hard all at once to begin with (intense cardio followed by weights followed by stretching that lasts approximately 2 hours total). It took a lot out of me.

I was sad to have to cut back. But, in doing so, I’ve continued to experience noticeable progress; so much so that it kind of snuck up on me. Four months ago I was a size 10-12. Now I’m back down into a size 6 and I didn’t even realize it until I put on an old pair of jeans. It was a pleasant surprise.

Pushing myself hard increased my strength and muscle mass and changed my body in a more visible way. But working out in a more moderate way helped me to lose weight more rapidly, it seems.

I just felt like sharing. J Does anyone else feel like sharing their latest fitness experiences? I’d love to hear about it!

Fun and Games - Play with Me!

2014-02-12T10:42:00.002-08:00

I had to pick my son up from school early today. I'm not sure how we got on this topic, but he decided to share his thoughts about a friend who sold their home. In his opinion, this person should not have sold his home. It was a nice house. Why? He had a Wii!! He then listed a few other nice perks of this person's ex home and followed up by saying he missed the people too.

I laugh at his thought process but am I any different? Not really. Does it mean he doesn't love the people themselves, very much? No. He does love them.

It's fun to be able to determine where thoughts originate and then to follow them as they trigger an avalanche of new but related thoughts. Some people make a habit of practicing the free flow of thoughts. Shall we do a little of that here together?

I'll start.

Rabbits jump. Some are fluffy and white. I like jumping down the figurative rabbit hole. Sometimes I get lost down there and need help coming back up for the air in reality. What is reality? Can color be thought of a "real" or is it all a matter of perception?

Your turn. What comes to mind next? Let's see where we end up!

Sinus Infection

2014-02-12T10:21:00.001-08:00

You want to read about something unpleasant? Sinus infections are unpleasant. You start out with a cold. You think, "Oh I'll be better in no time. Plans this weekend? Make 'em. It'll be all good." But noooo. BAM! You get worse instead because the cold gets all complicated on your butt and decides to become a sinus infection.

Stupid sinus infection.

Ok. Fine. So, you go to the walk in clinic and get some antibiotics. You take them faithfully, figuring, "So my cold got worse instead of better. No biggie. Once I take these little buggers, I'll be better. Plans next weekend? Make 'em! It'll be all good." Guess what?? Nope.

ARGH! Sinus infection. Grrrr.....MORE antibiotics. I've missed work. I've missed social outings. I've missed sleep. I know many, many people have it much worse. So, thanks to those of you who do for suffering through this complaint. You are loved.

I'm starting to feel better. Should I make plans this weekend or not? What do you think?

A to Z Blog Challenge - E is for Enzymes

2013-04-08T10:38:00.003-07:00

Enzymes are like keys. Without them, it wouldn't matter how much nutrient-dense food we ingest, those nutrients would be useless to us. Enzymes “unlock” nutrients from our food, making it possible for our bodies to utilize those nutrients, in turn making it possible to live. When we ingest raw fruits and vegetables, the fruits and vegetables contain enough active enzymes to digest the food they came from.

When we cook foods, the enzymes become deactivated and useless. Thankfully, our bodies can create their own digestive enzymes. However, the body is not meant to create its own enzymes to the extent most people expect it to be able to.

Some cooking is necessary. But we probably all know that the amount of cooked and processed foods we eat puts undue amounts of stress on our bodies. But just how is that? There are three basic types of enzymes: Food enzymes (that come from food), digestive enzymes (that our bodies produce on an as-needed basis) and...

drum roll please...

Metabolic enzymes. What are metabolic enzymes? They are “keys” that are responsible for almost all actions in our bodies, from the heart, to the eye, to the skin, to the lungs.

Because food digestion is such a high priority in our bodies, when we eat insufficient food enzymes (forcing our bodies to make up the difference to an excess) our bodies “steal” metabolic enzyme resources to digest our food. This keeps all our body systems from being able to function properly. Over time, enzyme deficiency can become very serious, even causing disease.

For example, when someone is deficient in protease (an enzyme that digests proteins), they may suffer from hypoglycemia which can lead to irritability. They can also become immune compromised. All pathogens are made of protein, or in the case of a virus they use a protein coating to protect themselves. Without sufficient protease in the blood, we have one less defense against illness. When someone is deficient in lipase (an enzyme that breaks down fats), this can lead to high cholesterol.

Not surprisingly, there are many types of health problems that “enzyme therapy” is good for, including reversing some cancers. Enzyme therapy is basically taking large amounts of enzymes therapeutically and it requires the supervision of a medical health professional. But, why let it get that serious?

Most people, even if they begin to eat healthfully with what would be sufficient food enzyme intake for a “healthy” body, find they experience a lot of gas at first, as increased fiber and enzymes start to break down and move waste that hasn't been dealt with efficiently due to a previously poor diet. In order to get to the point where this doesn't happen, you likely need to supplement enzymes in your diet to help your body “catch up.” It is also advisable to use a probiotic supplement.

If you find yourself at the health food store scanning the enzyme products available, you may be a bit overwhelmed. To start, try a broad spectrum enzyme supplement. As with any supplement, do your research on whatever brand you try to ensure premium quality.

A to Z Blog Challenge - D is for Dreams

2013-04-04T15:28:00.001-07:00

D is for Dreams

What are your first thoughts when you read that word? Do you think of your most profound wishes coming true? Do you think of nightmares? Do you think of mystical interpretations?

Where will I go with this topic? I'm still not exactly sure. Let's explore that question together.

I had three stressful, disheartening nightmares/dreams the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't shake the feelings from the first two for a little while. I had to get up and get a drink of water to help wake up a bit more before I could fall back to sleep. Once I finally did fall back to sleep, another, slightly less intense, nightmare awaited me.

In the morning, I analyzed my dreams and the stress inherent in them. I could draw parallels between the content of my dreams and current life issues. Interestingly, theories about what defines the word “dream” and what their function or purpose is are controversial and insufficiently tested. Though the testing that has been done confirms that waking life and dreams are connected; not that most people need testing to confirm that. Think of the alarm clock making its way into your dream as a siren or a loud engine or an annoying person repeating themselves obnoxiously over and over and over until you just want to scream at them to stop....ahem. OK. I'm all right.

Whatever the purpose or function of dreams, however, they sure can be entertaining at times. Beyond that, according to Robert Van de Castle, dreams have sometimes changed the world! Rene Descartes' philosophy of dualism, Frederick Banting's discovery of insulin, Mohandas Ghandi's strategy of nonviolent protest, Marry Shelley's Frankenstein and Robert C Louis Stevenson's The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde were all either inspired by or emerged out of dream experiences!

So, keep those notebooks and pens handy by your bedside! Who knows when one of YOUR dreams could change the world!

A to Z Blog Challenge - C is for Codependency

2013-04-03T12:27:00.001-07:00

A to Z Blog Challenge C is for Codependence

We've probably all heard this term. But how much does each of us really understand about the concept?

When I first decided to do this A to Z challenge and I brainstormed briefly about what “C” word I should use as a topic, it was a toss up between Codependence, Consciousness and Communication. I decided that, since the topic of codependency involves communication and consciousness – or the lack thereof – I would kill two birds.

Initially I was very enthusiastic and optimistic about this topic. I've personally done a lot of hard work on myself over the past two years and I had an idea in mind about how to approach the subject. Then I sat down with my copy of Codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. As I started scanning through the pages and reading over points I had highlighted my first time through the book, some old feelings began to surface; scary feelings of shame, and fear that I might backslide. I suddenly wanted to abandon the subject. Then I realized what a perfect opportunity this was to exercise some of my new found skills.

When I first read the book, I recognized myself in it. The recommended exercises were more than I could manage at that time, however. And that's OK! We need to acknowledge where we're at before we can change anything. Looking back, I see that the points stuck with me on my journey over the past two years, even though I wasn't referencing the book or even thinking about it consciously. My unconscious mind was hard at work in my service.

Just what is codependency? According to Melody Beattie, the definition is difficult to nail down because no two codependents are exactly alike. A list of characteristics that are often associated with codependency include caretaking, low self-worth, repression, obsession, controlling behaviors, denial, dependency, poor communication, weak boundaries, lack of trust, anger and sexual problems.

There is a lot of good information out there. But the three things that I've learned that have helped me most include the concept of owning one's own feelings (which includes detaching from the emotional states of others), letting go of outcomes, and setting boundaries – all things that seemed impossible at first.

I literally had no boundaries. None. I couldn't comprehend what it even meant to have boundaries. I would read definitions and they didn't sink in. They didn't make sense to me! I also made myself responsible for the emotional states of anyone and everyone. In return, I expected everyone else to be responsible for my emotional states. Because I didn't know what I actually thought about things, I didn't know why I felt certain feelings so strongly. So, I looked to my surroundings and placed blame on those around me, which made me feel guilty. Most of the time I just felt crazy, and there were plenty of people around to confirm that. It was a vicious cycle.

I would read about the idea of detaching from the emotions of other people whom I loved. I could see the wisdom in it, but I couldn't figure out how to do it unresentfully. I couldn't feel both detached and loving at the same time. It was because I still hadn't figured out how to own my own feelings. I still wanted someone else to be responsible for me. And I also hadn't learned how to let go of outcomes. It felt unfair.

What does it mean to own your own feelings? It means recognizing that any feeling or emotional reaction we have is about us and us alone. It is not about the other person. We are responsible for investigating the reason for the feelings, finding language to communicate those reasons and discovering what we need to do or ask for to resolve them.

In return, other people are responsible for their emotional reactions to us – we are not responsible for them. This doesn't free us to be mean or unsympathetic. But it's crucial that we be authentic to ourselves, regardless of any possible “losses.” Tactful authenticity is vital to contentment. Contentment in solitude is vital to connection. It sounds like a contradiction, but I assure you it is not. If you are desperate and needful, you cannot be fully present. And if you cannot be fully present, you cannot genuinely connect.

My journey continues, but I look back now on my progress thus far and I'm proud of myself. I am enough. And that is good.

If you want to investigate this topic further, I highly recommend the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I wish you all the best in your journey!

A to Z Blog Challenge - B is for Brain Plasticity

2013-04-03T12:26:00.001-07:00

B is for Brain Plasticity

Say what? Plastic brains? Who cares?

Plastic is malleable, adaptable. We've all heard it said, “Use it or lose it.” I remember my high school trig teacher was mortified when I said I wasn't going to attend university. Those were his parting words to me. They have haunted me to a certain extent, to this day.

Well, apparently it goes both ways. Studies just this past decade have finally shown that adult brains can and do form new neurons – this is an exciting process called neurogenesis. In addition, neuroimaging studies have shown that an area of the brain that receives messages from the fingers on the left hand is enlarged in string musicians who constantly use their left hand to play their instruments. (Elbert et al., 1995) So, like working out at the gym, practicing something diligently literally “pumps up” our brain tissue!

In response to physical injury, the brain proves itself to be a master of reorganization. Also, it is said that those who are blind can hear more acutely than the average seeing person. This is because the brain “recruits” neurons that would normally be dedicated to visual processing and uses them to enhance verbal processing. Amazing!

What does this mean for you and I?

The way I see it, everything in life is a form of art, including the unseen parts of us. We are capable of causing a change in the very structure and size of our brains. This translates to our life experiences as well. As with anything, if it takes effort, it may start out unpleasant. But never let yourself believe that you can't change your thinking patterns, your habits, your whole life for the better. Never tell yourself, “I'm just not smart enough.” You can shape your brain to do the things you really want to do. You're limited only by the extent of your own motivation...and there are tricks for that too. :)

A to Z Blog Challenge - A is for Archetype

2013-04-03T12:25:00.002-07:00

The A to Z Blog Challenge Apparently every April there is a widely known A to Z blogging challenge. I became aware of it just last year. This year I've decided to join the fun.

A is for Archetype

There is an often described general progression of thought within the community of individuals who enjoy exploring typology theories. Some of these theories include Jungian cognitive functions, Socionics, the enneagram, and simplifications such as “MBTI.” It begins with introduction to the theor(ies).

This initial dip-of-the-toe into the world of self-discovery and help in understanding the acceptableness of “otherness” is often marked with either eager anticipation or skepticism. But both the over-trusting and the skeptic seem to derive equal pleasure from digging into the nitty gritty details, scrubbing it for all its worth.

Once people get caught up in the details, the frenzy begins. Much time and energy is expended to take it all in, to make comparisons to personal experience, to find connection between the abstract information of the written world and the mental-social world we inhabit. As with anything, there is a learning curve.

Some people pour themselves into the descriptions, relating intensely to the newly found jargon that helps give language to their identity. Depending on which book or source of information each individual begins with, elitist mentalities often develop. Many begin using the information to belittle others, making themselves feel superior. Arguments ensue.

The argument phase leads to further clarification. Those who stick with the search eventually come to realize that it is impossible for the general descriptions of types that circulate to encapsulate the depth and complexity that they attempt to. Some people become disgruntled and highly judgmental of the information as a whole. Though most never lose their interest in the topic.

I think the word archetype itself, used extensively in the works of Jung, can allay much of the tension in this process. An archetype is a stereotype. That is what it is! Look it up! On Wikipedia under Jungian Archetypes, I find this descriptions helpful: “The archetype is a tendency to form such representations of a motif – representations that can vary a great deal in detail without losing their basic pattern.”

When going into typology theory, remember that it is impossible for it to be something that it is not. So, save yourself the irritation. Don't expect it to be. You can find patterns that will help you to perhaps understand yourself and others a little better. But you have to be flexible in your understanding of the information. It is not a set-in-stone template of all human nature. The more an author attempts to simplify the information, the less accurate it becomes. If you really want to understand, you need to read a wide array of authors to get the big picture. And a 2-dimensional snapshot “big picture” is all you'll ever get.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

2012-04-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

So, remember all those sad, sappy dirges of messages I last wrote up?

No, you say? It's been too long for you to remember? You have a life, you say? Who has time to read all the little whimsical thoughts that pass through my head?

Good.

I am writing this to announce to THE WORLD (er, well, my small readership that's mostly on facebook) that I have reclaimed myself! I am a whole person! I took a cold, HARD look at myself with the right microscope and saw flaws I was only peripherally aware of before, that were blurry and out of focus.

I had some help learning to turn the dials on the microscope properly. And, viola! I can now see where to direct the tweezers and remove the little pieces of junk that don't serve me or my friends, family or acquaintances well.

And you know what else I can see? My value!

*Blows a kiss to you all*

I love you!

Motherhood

2011-08-09T07:58:00.001-07:00

Motherhood

Motherhood is seen as such a natural part of life. I mean, what could be more natural than observing and caring for your progeny – little pieces of you; so precious and cute. So, why don't I see it that way?

Motherhood does not come naturally to me. I don't even like the subject. It makes me feel guilty when I see mothers who seem to live for their children. Sometimes I wonder, What's wrong with me? Do I need more time to myself than the average mother, or are we all in the same boat? How can I shift my focus effectively without neglecting my responsibilities or burning myself out?

It is these questions that have led me to investigate the experiences of my peers and their opinions of motherhood. I want to know how much satisfaction individuals feel, what brings them said satisfaction, how they cope with boredom in their role as mother (if they experience it to the extent that I do), how they keep motivated to perform the tasks of life day after day, etc.

Since escaping my own motherhood is not an option, I recognize some interaction with other mothers combined with the mental stimulation of analyzing the data I collect will not only help me gain perspective but it will fill a need I have to be engaged on a level beyond that which can be reached by perpetually cleaning up messes that others have made and listening to whiny voices.

Do I think such a project hasn't been done before? No. I know that it has. But, somehow, reading about strangers and their struggles just isn't as satisfying as connecting with those I actually know or that I've at least met. Maybe you agree. Perhaps I'll entertain or encourage others in the process. Even better.

Let the research begin! Please contact me so I can send you my questionnaire. Thank you!

Lightning Shower

2011-05-30T06:21:00.001-07:00

The pregnant air
Pierced by searing light
The broken waters
Of the night
Pounding beats
Rock the still
Pelting coolness
Passion fills
Lend me your passion
Thunder storm
For this, the 8th,
Is in new form
Powerful lover
Join me here
We break the mould
And douse the fear
Walk forward now
Press in close
For up 'til now
I’ve been comatose
Wake me to you
Wake you to me
Rejoin the thoughts
Let the passion free
We’re drenched with nature’s
Cleansing shower
The beauty of our
Three-fold tower
Re-knit the kinship
Of you and me
Happy Anniversary

Self-Care, Self-Esteem and Action

2011-05-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

My life is a vicious cycle.

I have stopped to reflect on myself at different points in my life...It might be more accurate to say I never stop...

One of the things I keep coming back to is that I can never just learn something once and then keep it up! I seem to have to learn something and then relearn it and then relearn it again. Hence the need for constant reminders, even when you already know something well.

Over the course of my "adult" life I've taken a look at my self-esteem to make sure it was intact and balanced; neither too inflated, nor too squashed. Recently I discovered that my self-esteem mental software was allowed to become outdated. I have been too preoccupied and distracted with other priorities (big, important ones) to have the time to make the inspection and update the software of my mind. So I have operated poorly, living under the inaccurate assumption that my self-esteem was still in the healthy range. This led to faulty decision-making and reactions to things from a very low place which created bigger problems than I was even aware of.

Thankfully, this kind of thing can be avoided. Even in the midst of chaos and great, seemingly insurmountable obstacles, when I make myself take the time to perform self-care, I am not only in a much better position to help others. I actually have the capacity for clarity. And, from a seat of clear thinking, I can perform the actions of life. Without it, I become literally frozen, unable to break myself from circular, self-destructive thoughts.

Perhaps the types of self-care that do the trick are different for everyone. For me, however, it can be as simple as shaving my legs, eating a healthful meal or allowing myself to pour my heart out to someone regardless of the possible embarrassment.

There is definitely a difference between healthy self-care and unhealthy self-indulgence.

But that's another life lesson...and another blog post.

The Breath that Fans the Flames

2011-05-07T07:59:00.001-07:00

Creativity Comes from a Positive Place – Dirges are only the Fuel
Dirges and sadness, rebukes and defeat, crashing and burning, loss and longing... are all the most volatile fuel for my creation. Yet, one sided-creation is extreme and lacks dimension. The most creative moments come from a seat of joy while holding the hurts of the past clearly in my memory. Without the positive seat, there is little motivation to complete the work that it may shine as a piece of art. Negative experiences are the fuel. Positivity is the spark. Creativity is the flame. Without a spark there can be no flame. If ever there were a driving force to swim back to the surface of my pain for a breath before death overtakes my heart, it is this. Quite a strong propulsion if I do say so myself.

Hindsight - Why I Was Successful

2011-05-07T07:55:00.001-07:00

Hindsight – Why I Was Successful

This, my most recent physical achievement, brings with it the biggest sense of accomplishment of any in the past. Though I have lost weight before, somehow the struggles surrounding my current success run deeper, in addition to the amount of weight lost being greater than any before it. For this reason, my thoughts keep coming back to it, pondering the implications. I may as well use what inspiration I have. Perhaps expressing it can help someone else, or help me to succeed again in the future, if ever I am confronted with that need again. And, if not, at least it’s cathartic.

In the Beginning

When I first got started with exercising, I wasn’t yet ready to change my diet. So I started with what I felt I was able to start with. My blood sugar was fluctuating so wildly that I was constantly ravenous. To deny myself what I wanted seemed like the worst kind of torture and left me useless to my family because of the crashes. So, starting with exercising was really the best thing for me to do. It helped balance my blood sugar, which decreased the intensity of the cravings. Herein lies the necessity of exercise combined with diet changes when trying to lose weight. Exercising, by itself, does not lead to weight loss; not really. Reducing caloric intake does. But caloric restriction is made easier by exercise.

Baby Steps

Next, I changed my diet bit by bit, not all at once. First, I reduced the indulgences, especially at night. It was easier to “deny” myself these things because the exercising replaced it as self-love and I also felt that what work I was accomplishing by exercising would be undone by overindulging. Next, I traded out simple sugars for whole grains/foods. This reduced cravings further, making it easier to incrementally reduce caloric intake. Exercising regularly also afforded me the freedom to eat more than I could have gotten away with eating if I wasn’t exercising since I was burning so many calories each week.

Bumps are OK

Each time I experienced a setback in my exercise routine, I actually found that I lost more weight on the scale than when I was exercising regularly. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m exercising regularly, my body looks much better than when I am not and there is certainly shrinking happening as I build muscle in place of fat. However, with my food intake now kind of naturally in check (I don’t even think about it anymore), when I have stopped exercising, the weight loss is all “loss.” So the scale readings are more exciting. My point? Don’t freak out on yourself if you have some minor setbacks. Just get back on track as soon as you can and enjoy what each step brings you. Also, I’m gonna have to research it a bit so I understand it better, but another experience I have had on this journey has been rather interesting. Occasionally, here or there on my return road to thinness (lol), I have had what feel like intense cravings. I have given in to them, sure that I would pay for it. After a couple days of what has felt like complete overindulgence, I found I had actually lost more weight. So, who knows what that’s all about. Just don’t beat yourself up! Keep positive, keep moving forward! Love life! You can do it! You are doing it! I love you!

The Romance of the Rutabaga

2011-05-07T07:12:00.001-07:00

The children sit around an ancient, rickety table on matching, backless wooden benches waiting eagerly to fill the pits in their stomachs with something warm. They wear dirty, tattered clothing and expressions of eager anticipation. Mama ladles broth into bowls for each of them from the blackened pot hanging above a fire in the corner of their one-room home. The four walls barely insulate from the cold outside. The broth is made hearty by a softened, orange fleshed root vegetable; the rutabaga. This is the kind of imagery I get every time I see rutabagas at the grocery store. It’s a romantic notion of the past, and one that I experience when I cook them. Their stinky aroma, slightly bitter, earthy taste and odd texture add to the experience. I love rutabagas. Lol.

Picture Perfect

2011-03-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

I see photographs of couples I know with smiling faces and confident postures, whether they're happy or not. Do we all do this? How great a divide is there between our mental picture of what our coupledom should be - how it should be presented to the world - and the reality of the relationship?

I vacillate greatly from one extreme to another; between my two natures. At times, I want the exact truth, with all its nuances and contradictions, to be known. It's the stuff of this life. There's beauty and pain in it. It's a blending of our sameness and our differences, of our easy flowing and our conflicts. It's what makes us unique and what makes us the same. It's ugly and it's just what I want it to be, even if it's, at times, difficult.

Other times, I want fewer brush strokes visible. I want the view to be from a distance, where you can't see the imperfections and the overall impression is more simplistic.

Going over this now makes me realize the problem, for me, is you can't control the audience and what they bring away from a piece of artwork. Whether the detailed portrait or the more cartoon-ish picture, the person who is going to see only the imperfections is the same.

I prefer the reality to the lie, since there's no control of what anyone does with the information one way or the other.

Writers as Characters in Stories

2011-03-06T09:42:00.001-08:00

Why do writers so often write about writers? Well, in part, I’m sure it’s because writers like writers. But I think it’s more than that. Consciously or not, doesn’t everyone see themselves as a writer, at least hypothetically? There’s something we’d all like to put on paper, to immortalize, some piece of ourselves. And, even if we don’t devote ourselves to the pursuit of that goal, it’s in the back of our minds. It’s easy to connect to the concept of being a writer. What a fantasy it is in and of itself, to imagine creating a fantasy – even one based on the realities of life. Whether it be to escape from the bitterness of the experience by putting it into the abstract realm of stories or to voice an injustice that has gone unseen, we all have something to write about. Do you agree?

Pure Romance

2011-03-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

Here begins a self-indulgent project I will be posting in serial-form, if I end up being self-disciplined enough to continue to produce on a regular basis. It will be posted in rough draft. Feel free to ask any questions it raises for you and to point out any mistakes. Thanks!

As I lay in bed, slowly drifting into that most sacred state of sleep, my mind came to the subject of my life. What would be the defining theme? I flash on childhood, somewhere around five or six years old. Life was more frightening, more magical, and more exciting. I picture myself sitting on the cold open-concept steps leading up to the second floor of our tiny Van Nuys apartment building, holding my vinyl ET doll. It, like all the others I had, was alive to me. I was sure if I didn’t give it appropriate attention and if I ever said anything bad about it or looked at it wrong, it would hurt me somehow in my sleep. And yet, I loved my dolls to the point of pain. They all had unique personalities and, if any one of them ever went missing, I would mourn. They, like no breathing persons in my life, truly understood me. They liked me and saw when I was hurting and when I was happy, even if the adults in my life were too busy to care or notice. Life was a great romance, even though I didn’t yet know to define it that way. Back then, the romance of which I speak was a quiet ache in my chest that could send out bursts of hot energy into the sky, or at least, that’s how it felt. It took years to understand my relationship with my own personal concept of romance. It’s taken me until now to see it as the running theme of my life.

In fifth grade, though I still had the dolls, my relationship with romance had moved more toward inner dialogue. At school during recess, I revelled to go to the large grassy slope where kids weren’t allowed to play. The kids weren’t allowed to play there because the yard supervision felt it was dangerous to roll down the hill. But I didn’t want to roll down. I wanted to play in isolation, where I could forget there were other people in the world. I would walk down just far enough that, if I were to sit on the slope, my head would fall beneath the crest of the hill and I could remain unseen. I’d find rocks in the grass and pull them out of the ground to see the caves they created. I imagined little families of cave people lived there. I made grass beds for them and imagined their lives together in this remote part of the uncharted earth. The days I remembered to wear my red sweatshirt, another of my favourite games, also played in this same isolated area, was to tuck myself entirely inside my sweatshirt and watch the sunlight shine through the redness of the sweater. From inside, I pretended I was in my mother’s womb watching the sunlight shine through her skin on me. The peacefulness of imagining that was unmatched anywhere else in my life at the time. If I’d had a chance to spend time in the “womb,” I’d return to class in a blissful state of mental separation from any frightening, intrusive forces that were other kids and their unpredictable thoughtlessness and stupidity. On the days the yard supervisor caught me on the hill and told me I couldn’t play there, I felt robbed of that bubble of security.

Yes, a sensitive child was I with high expectations of those around me that were usually unmet. That’s why, when I would meet someone who seemed able to read my mind and empathize with my every hurt or joy, the euphoria of it was mind numbing. In sixth grade, amidst moving to a new school for the sixth time – half way through the year, as per usual – and amidst my first real experience with bullies, I was reacquainted with a cute boy named Michael who would happily spend time with me and indulge me in my silly imaginings and games. I made up a board game that was based on intuition and feelings. It was a game that had no logical rules to follow. Yet, when Michael and I played it, we anticipated each other’s moves and followed the “rules” exactly. That was extremely romantic to me, sharing an intimate understanding of another person and having it reciprocated. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand it the way I do today. It created as much fear in me as it did exultation, because I didn’t know how to voice what I wanted from the experience and I was afraid it might be asking too much to experience it again. This was the beginning of my search to connect to the depths of my soul with other people every chance I got. My dance with the romantic notion of the perfect emotional experience began. And, though I understand it better today and know its limits, I have to admit, it’s still a thing of precious worth. It is so dear to my heart and so addictive, it can blind me to all else while I experience it, on those rare occasions. Certainly, this is the ever budding theme of my life. How has it landed me here? I’ll tell you.

Meals

2011-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

I just spoke with my trainer today, who is enthusiastic about my results so she shared a diet plan with me. Hee hee. What I’ve been eating for the past few months isn’t quite as strict as her plan, but it’s pretty close. So I thought, instead of sharing some haphazard eating plan that I’ve been using, why not share a plan put together by a university-educated athlete trainer instead, especially since it is pretty close to what I’ve been doing anyway!

She explained this is a diet plan for someone who is working out regularly; to make sure you’re getting the nutrition you need to keep up with your workouts. So, the portions would depend on your personal activity level and weight loss goals.

Between 7am and 9am

Eat one lean protein from the following list and one carb from the following list. If you are working out pretty hard that day and you prefer a heartier breakfast, you may add a second carb.

Eggs, chicken, turkey, tuna, salmon, ground turkey or chicken
Lean beef or ground beef once per week only

Multigrain bread/toast, whole grain or steel cut oats, high-fibre organic cereal (no sugar added), any vegetable (veggies are carbs too), sweet potato, whole grain pasta, whole grain rice

11am

Fruit as a snack

12pm-2pm

Two carbs from above list plus lean protein from above list

3pm-5pm

Afternoon snack of nuts, yogurt, or veggies

6pm-8pm

One green veggie carb and lean protein from above list
If you have the inclination to snack after dinner before bed, try to eat your dinner a little later and drink unsweetened green tea or herbal tea to give yourself “something.” Try to avoid snacking after dinner. No starchy carbs after 4pm.

Allowed drinks list:

Water, milk, green/herbal tea, V-8

I’m about to get more strict with myself and follow this diet. But I did lose weight being less strict with myself. Just get started! One step at a time! If it keeps you going, have the occasional dessert or glass of red wine. Don’t feel bad about it. Keep moving! You can do it! Share your experiences with me? Who worked out today, even if it was difficult to work it into their schedule? Who ate a really good breakfast or lunch today even though they wanted to just eat donuts? Tell me about it! I want to know!

Also, this is just from memory, so when the trainer prints out a copy for me, I’ll make any necessary adjustments.

One Step at a Time

2011-02-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

The purpose of this blog is not, primarily, to inform, for I’m sure most – if not all – of what I have to “tell” is pretty common knowledge (or at least easy to find elsewhere). I’m sure you’ll all agree there’s a big difference between knowing something and doing it. So the purpose of this blog is to remind, motivate and encourage people who, like me, want to do good things for their minds and bodies and want peers to share the experience with!

With that said, I will begin with where I started. Perhaps it will be a good starting point for you! The first thing I did that began this current journey of losing weight and feeling better was I found a web site that counted calories for me. I wanted to know what I was eating. I am not promoting perfect adherence to calorie counting. But I found it very helpful to get a good idea about what is in various foods I was eating and how much someone of my age, weight and activity level should healthfully eat when trying to lose a little weight. I recommend livestrong.com. They have a free service that calculates the amount of calories you should eat depending on how fast you want to lose or gain weight and a very easy-to-use program for tracking what you're eating.

The next thing I did was I chose a work out DVD and tool kit by Bally’s and decided to make myself do it! You can find a wide selection at Walmart. It only cost about $30-40, and it got me excited and feeling confident I could do this thing! Never mind it took me several months to actually open the thing and start using it! Ha ha ha!

What's your biggest weakness? This time mine was eating way too much junk food for comfort. When I started working out, the exercise replaced my need for comfort eating. I was showing healthy love for myself by exercising and my mind recognized it, which made it easy to stop eating junk. Could it work for you too? Dunno! I'd love to find out.

If even the cost of the DVD/workout tool kit is too much, something else I did that can be free to you is following the simple interval workout recommended by a fitness instructor Dr. Mercola promotes. It's very simple and can be used with any cardio exercise that is workable for you. Take, for example, running/jogging.

This is how it works: Jog for about 5 minutes to warm up. Then, run as fast as you can for 30 seconds. Next, continue jogging at a steady but less intense pace for 90 seconds. Then repeat 7 more times. By the last couple sets, your heart rate should reach the desired bpm, which is what will trigger your body to respond to the exercise. Best part is, it can take less than thirty minutes...and it was free! Can you do that twice a week? If you try it, tell me about it!

Next...meals.

What I've Been Doing

2011-02-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

My goal for this post is to create a brief overview of what I've been doing to lose weight, increase cardiac health and tone up! I have another blog that I plan to begin writing regularly, if I can discipline myself to do it.

I will be having another fitness reassessment in a few weeks. At that time, I am going to post my original measurements and test results along with my current ones. In the mean time, I have some numbers to share.

I started at a size 16, which was my personal biggest ever. I actually gained weight after Charlie was born. I allowed myself to shamelessly eat over 3000 calories a day because of all the stressors in my life at the time - money, travel, children, sickness, death, moving (twice in six months), new baby, etc. I think that's enough to justify it for a bit. lol.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore. I've wanted to have a gym membership again for years. I always viewed it as a luxury and we don't usually have any "extra" funds to spend on luxuries on a regular basis. But I was living in a tiny, one-bedroom attic on top of an elderly lady's house, was getting no sleep at all (literally) because we all shared a room and woke each other up all through the night over and over. I was responsible to get everyone back to sleep so that the money-maker could get some sleep and keep us fed. I was mentally slow, emotionally uncontrolled (more than usual for me - which is saying a lot), unhappy, tired and eating out of control. So, when I was at the Booster Juice (Ontario's version of Jamba Juice) and a gym employee approached me with a special scratch card and I "won" a free 1 month membership, fitness assessment, and 2 free personal training sessions, I thought, "YES! YES! YES! Gimmee!!"

Since I was so desperate and David was visibly anxious about my state of health and fitness, it was easy to get him to agree to my getting a membership. I also paid for a small 6-session group of personal training sessions. We broke them up into 30-minute sessions to make them last longer. I was very fortunate to be put with a trainer who is a real athlete. She's been competing in ice skating for ten years or more. She's so great! I'm hoping to get her to let me take a picture so I can post it.

At first my only real goal was to get more oxygen pumping to my brain. I couldn't think straight and my brain is my most precious possession. I wasn't aware of just what I really looked like until I went into a pilates class and saw I was the biggest person in there. I kept seeing other people that I thought were heavy and then seeing us next to each other in the mirror and realizing I was bigger than they were!!

Once I started doing the intense cardio a couple days a week, I was more motivated to eat better. So, I reduced my calorie intake. I started eating unsweetened whey protein shakes with unsweetened almond milk and fruit, whole grain and multi-grain bread, lots of veggies sticks, a little cheese, lean meat. I continued to eat about 6 small meals a day (cause I seem to need to - my blood sugar fluctuates too much). I stopped allowing myself to gorge myself on sugary snack foods into the wee hours of the night, which was probably the biggest difference. I started taking greens again, being more regular with supplementing my EFAs and high-potency B-vitamins, drinking water heavily.

After about 4-5 months, I was down to a size 10 and decided it was time to add strength training. I am currently working out 4-5 days a week - cardio and weights. My body is changing on a weekly basis! It feels so great!

Hope this wasn't monstrously long. I'll be more detailed as to work out routines, meals and supplements in my fitness blog. I'm hoping to try different things, express my experience with them, etc. Don't know how interesting it will be to the population at large, but it'll probably be pretty therapeutic for me.

Thanks for caring! More soon!

It's Not the Only Thing on my Mind - I Promise

2010-12-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

As I began to type this up for public consumption, I realized this seems to be the topic I've written about most. I hope not to seem redundant. I do have other thoughts and feelings about other subjects. It occurs to me, however, that none are as complete or beautiful as these, for now. So, I will type this up before a bout of self-doubt sneaks up on me and I hold back.

The fact that my dad is gone is becoming more real and, somehow, less devastating. It is still sad, but it's more of a muted sadness. His dear widow sent me a box full of some of his clothes, some pictures of us together and a small trinket gift I once game him. Looking through the things and recognizing them reminds me of being a child in those first layers of sleep when you're still consciously aware of some noises and movement. I hear some milling about and soft laughter. Adults converse around me, maybe at a gathering. The sounds are distant even though I have the sense that I'm still in the same room with them. I'm separated from them and yet still a part of everything. It's comforting.

This kind of experience in the realm of reality was one of my favorite kinds of experiences. I used to nap while at the homes of friends and, occasionally, when I had company over myself. Fortunately, my company seemed to understand.

There is some longing to be a part of the happy conversation and activities, but the blissful tiredness is overtaking me, and I instead fall deeper into sleep. I suppose, at some point, there is a choice to be made. Will I wake myself up to the clarity of the memories and pain so that I may more fully experience them and keep them alive and fresh, or will I let myself fall asleep and move on? I still have some time to decide. But, for the moment, all is more sweet than bitter.

It amazes me how closed the door was to my own experience of this before everything happened. It's amazing what empathy I was closed off from for other people without having experienced this piece of imperfect life for myself. The door to connection with so many more people is opened to me now. For that, I am grateful.