Musings of an Existentialist

Obama Care? Where do I sign up?

2012-11-19T09:36:00.001-08:00

Sick with no health insurance. This blows. The job I loved so much? I'm now getting pushed out of it. Thank goodness I've made good friends in other departments who have my back.

Family will be coming over for Thanksgiving. L* and K* will bring their new rescue dog. Looking forward to it.

Staying in bed until then.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Of Cold & Pets

2012-10-28T10:21:00.001-07:00

Far more interested in online browsing/shopping, but this is cheaper alternative for me time.
I'm afraid this will be a rather mundane post, even though there are something interesting things happening at work that will hopefully allow me to move to a full time w/benefits position. Putting that out of my mind, though. I'll still continue to go above and beyond at work, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I may have to, in the end, start applying for other jobs at the university. I really like what I'm doing and it's the variety that I like the most.

The weather has turned cold and with it my sinuses have decided to become a mucus factory. Not pleasant to read, not pleasant to experience. I've spent yesterday and today mostly in bed and didn't leave the house yesterday. Today I really should return some over due movies and in doing so would give me motivation to take a shower and give the dog a bath.

Speaking of animals, on Friday I resisted a very strong urge to put in an application to adopt a kitten. She was about 6 weeks old and her coloring was a wonderful mix of light tan and light grey making her appear almost pink. I'm a sucker for the that coloring. I held her for quite a while, but in the end she went back in with her up for adoption roommates.

My decision to make getting another cat a non-idea was further cemented when I came home to three very hungry pets that demanded not my attention, but my thumbs to assist in their feeding. The three of them are really enough. I've thought that I wouldn't have any more cats after H* and R* are no longer with me, but after holding that kitten, I know it will be hard to resist not having a cat in the house.

Not sure Fisher feels the same way. He reiterated my want of having a dog and goat that are besties. Why not throw in a cat, too.

Who knows and for now, I've got all that I need.

My birthday is around the corner and turning 37 is such an odd thing. A result of arrested development perhaps, but it's a number that doesn't seem to fit. I'm ok with being in my 30's but the idea of being three years for 40 is bizarre.

The boys.

Kill or be killed

2012-09-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

One of those days where the seams are being pulled apart and hardly holding together.

Nice weather.

Kitten by my side.

Dog awaits a bath.

Other kitten probably off laying in a sunbeam.

Yet, there's a whole in my heart. Missing too many people. Those who are gone and those who will return.

What is this sadness? It's been with me for so long. What is the magic that makes it go away? Peace? Acceptance? Fighting the good fight?

I want to lay my head on his chest and feel his heartbeat.

Soon it will be winter. Compounding the ripping at the seams.

Chilled or Numb

2012-08-25T12:39:00.001-07:00

Tempting to say that I owe your and/or myself a post, but that isn’t true. Posts in the past have been written because I need to write.

It’s been a while.

In Bloomington now, living with Fisher in our wonderful little duplex with a huge backyard. No joke, the back yard is massive. Ok, maybe it seems massive because I’ve lived in apartments since I went to undergrad in ’94. But there’s really no need to walk S* because of the size of the yard and her age.

For 12 she can still go full puppy, especially at 5:3 am when she wants me to wake up and feed her. She plays with Fisher in the backyard, which seems to have good effects on both of them. She’s been a way for him to transition from crappy day at work to being at home. It was the same way for the ex. She’s good that way.

Cats are doing well. R* is 14 and mainly, ok all the time, lies around. He seems content and healthy. His hearing must be going because his meow is getting louder and there was one morning that I had to wake him for his breakfast. He lives and dies by the sound of me opening the tin of cat food. So for him to not hear all of us bumble downstairs was unusual.

H* has caught two mice. There are many gaps between the house and the foundation and Fisher and I were surprised that we don’t have a family of raccoons or possums living in the basement. It is a very scary basement, so maybe they’re turned off by that. The first mouse was dead when I got to it, but unbloody. The second mouse was kinda twitching and wasn’t outside in the paper towel shroud the next morning. Maybe eaten, maybe limped away, maybe both.

My supervisor that hired me has moved on to another department on campus. I really liked working him. He’s laid back and let me be creative. The new guy is more of micromanager. Good motivation to find a job with the university that is full time and therefore has benefits.

Fisher and I are doing fine. He’s been extremely busy at work and that means not seeing so each so much.

Thank god I’m not the same psychotic b*tch I was when we first dated. I don’t call him 30 times in a day in panic/anxiety mode. I do my best to chill and know that he’ll climb into bed next to me at some point.

This is S* in one of my flower beds.

Time, Is it on your side?

2012-05-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, Holy heck, batman. Three days left in Chicago and on the fourth I leave. Trepidation? Excited? Scared? For 16 years Fisher and I never found a way to make it work. In the early years I was crazy. Bat sh*t, psycho ex-girlfriend crazy. Now after some really great therapy I know what caused it, but it happened any way to the man that I want to love for the rest of my life.

I’m scared that he once he gets to know me that he’ll stop loving me. But that’s kind of a silly thought because he’s seen me at my worse and as of this moment wants to be with me. I don’t think I’ll ever be as psycho as I was when I was in my 20’s. I don’t think my body has the energy for it.

Keeping my fingers crossed regarding unemployment. Things happening that seem to be good. Need to apply to for the Production Manager position for the Theatre and Drama Department. I hate writing cover letters. I would give up a pinky toe if it meant that magically all my now and future cover letters were well written for me. I might even give up both pinky toes. Part of a pinky finger?

Two things left to do for school: My internship packet (5 page paper, transferring hours, etc) and my final in my Special Events class.

I have to make sure that I don’t fall into depression when I move down there. I won’t have a job, but I’ll need to stay busy. Oh, self startery stuff, you are my downfall. The ADHD kinda cancels out the get-up-and-go.

Not sure if this migraine is stress or allergy related. All this same, it hurts.

Oh, and if your reading this, please click on the ads. My computer needs a new ac adaptor and any help would be appreciated.

I do want to start pack the car tomorrow. Get the trunk packed, so I have a head start and an idea of how all my belongs will fit in my soccer mom 4 door sedan.

Crumpled, Rumpled and Jumbled

2012-05-06T23:31:00.002-07:00

It’s late and my brain is tired. I’m not sure how articulate I’ll be. But the truth of the matter is that my brain is stuck on some stuff and won’t turn off. So, I turn to blogging to purge the unhealthy thoughts. The unhealthy thoughts that I cannot heal with action.

It absolutely irritates me to know end to listen to my mom talk about my dad. Whatever context, it doesn’t matter; I don’t want to hear her talk about him. She hated him until the moment she found out that he was dead. Living with him was used a threat of punishment when I was a child. She said awful things about him. My dad was no angel and never should have been a parent. He did not possess the ability to be empathetic. He didn’t understand the needs of others.

My ADHD came from both parents. My dyslexia came from my dad. Both of my parents were/are impulsive with little thought about preparing for the future. They did what they wanted to do, with little regard to others. My mom did her best as a single mother, but it was expected that my sister’s and I would do our best, so that she didn’t have to worry about discipline.

Reading a book about ADHD and marriage. Parts have of the book have been very helpful in helping to understand my ADHD. Some isn’t relevant, seeing as how I’m not married. The stories of marriages going south because of one person’s ADHD aren’t very encouraging. Although, it is warning sign as to somewhere I never want to be.

The real question seems to be on how to manage my ADHD, much like a diabetic learns to deal with diabetes and an alcoholic learns how to push down the desire to have a drink. There have to be steps to keep my ADHD in check.

Right now though, I’m feeling under whelmed with my ability to hold a job that has real responsibilities. You know the type of job where I managing others and am expected to remember information and not ask a lot of questions to make it seem like I don’t know what I’m doing.

In the short term I don’t retain information well and I’m terrible with numbers. I haven’t yet started making lists. Lists means things to do, and I’ve always failed at getting stuff done in a timely manner.

I want to rise above my status of lackey. My last few jobs- lackey. I have ideas, I’m creative, and I can communicate with people, but the fuck if I can sell my self to someone in order to get the job that will make me happy. And if I get that job the thought of trying to maintain someone’s trust in me is very overwhelming, anxiety inducing.

Last night I read some of the book, felt good and went to sleep. Tonight is way different. Talked to my mom today and yesterday. That’s too much. She’s using me to talk about stuff that you would talk about with a friend. Unloading on me, when I’m not the right person for her to be talking with. But she doesn’t trust anyone, so I take the bullet. The result: anxiety. I can’t be her be all and end all, I need space. She’s cornered the market on passive aggressive guilt trips and it’s taken a mental toll on me.

Wish I could scream out the frustration. Less than 2 weeks from moving. Less than two weeks to hold my tongue when it comes to talking with my sister. Three classes. One moderate assignment due this Wednesday, one small project due for my evening class and a final in the form of an essay for my evening class in a week and a half. And then pack up the car and go.

Light at the tunnel, if you could get a little brighter, that would help.

It is hard to say goodby

2012-04-19T21:47:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow will be a really awful day. 10 days ago my boss was shot by her husband and then he turned the gun upon himself. Murder/suicide. Now two amazing young adult are orphans. Two parents lost in tragedy. Having watched my dad die, doesn’t even compare to what they are going thru.

Tomorrow is the service and internment for both parents. It will be a private service, invited guests only. I feel honored to have been asked to be there. Tomorrow the loss of a wonderful boss and mentor will become reality.

I’ll wake up early, shower and pick out black clothes to wear. I’ll grab a bagel, directions to the church and do my best to stay focused on driving. Today, I found myself choking up, I could feel the sadness in my throat. I wanted to sob, but not today. Today I busied myself with work and let the moments of sadness drift out of my mind.

Tomorrow I will sit in a pew and listen to eulogies about a wonderful women who should still be here. So many questions left unanswered. To wonderful young adults with out parents who loved them very much.

Two things I find myself repeating:
Let go and let god.
There for the grace of god, go I.

Not a religious person, not a committed atheist, however these words bring me comfort. They make me appreciate my life, my family, and my love all the more. The unanswered questions, I let leave my mind. I do my best to not wonder about that day, those events that lead to such an awful moment in time.

Love kindly. Love yourself. Know that you deserve happiness.

In the long run tomorrow will bring healing and closure. In the short term, I don’t want it to be reality. I have such a hard time with losing people forever. They shall always be with me in my heart. I will carry their memories with me for as long as my mind will allow. But to never see the smiles, share the laughs, feel the love… that hurts too much.

My boss had incredible inner strength and drive. I can see the same in her kids. In order to survive, they will rely on each other and the qualities instilled upon by their mom. But the truth is that their mom should still be alive, I should still have her as my boss. Life, you are definitely unfair as you have proven time and time again.

Peanut Butter Diaries.

2012-03-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Pretty deadly flowers.

2012-03-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

Now I remember why I wanted to get out of the Midwest. Allergies and the migraines they cause. I’m dying up here. Constant air pressure changes, a pollen count that is sky high. Living by the ocean, oh how I miss you. Five years ago I switched from glasses to contacts. The only problem I had was that wearing the weekly contacts didn’t allow my eyes to breathe. So, I switched to the daily wear that I could actually wear for a week at a time. The weekly wear contacts made my eyes so blood shot that the guys at work were asking me where I got my weed. No weed, sorry.

The last month has been awful to my eyes. Had to break down and order a pair of glasses. Oh, the shame of it all. My eyes are so dry and irritated from the pollen that putting in contacts was like using sandpaper on my eyes. Yes, that bad.

Migraines everyday. I know it’s all about choices and I chose to stay home today from classes. But it was hard to fight the migraine that made me sick to my stomach. Excuses, excuses.

On the love front- Just about 2 months until I move. I’ll visit the weekend after next. I hope Fisher has time to look at rental houses. We’ll all be stuffed inside his apartment for a little over a month. Please let that go well or I’ll end up homeless after he kicks me out. Two people, two cats and a dog in a small two-bedroom apartment.

And the top piercing of my industrial is not happy. It will calm down, but as soon as I even barely touch it, it’s way not happy. Arg.

For a very long time I’ve given into my anxiety. Avoiding emotions or criticism. Making my life easy by hiding in bed. It’s very difficult to change my behavior. Not just changing the behavior, but changing the way I think about it.

Drained.

Imperfect present.

2012-02-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, so one episode of Being Human, the UK version. Then sleep. No solitaire? Shouldn't.

Fisher will be here Thursday evening. I really want to call him by his real name, but I can't do that here. One day, when I die my dearest friend will let all know that this is my blog. Only have I'm dead, dear friend.

Wasn't very productive today. Tomorrow I need to get up earlier than usual to take care of a few things before work. I hate having to do that. Hopefully tomorrow at work I can overlap work and internship work.

Getting better at relaxing. Unfortunately with relaxing seems to be a tag-a-long of procrastination. Hoping for a better future and ignoring the imperfect present.

I did that!

2012-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

You put the Order in the Chaos

2012-02-24T19:14:00.001-08:00

Remember: Help me fight the evil bank that charges me $12 a month for not having direct deposit by clicking an ad. All you have to do is click and close the window. Thank you.

Twelve weeks of class left. First substantial test next week in my travel class. I think I’ll do fine.

I’m supposed to carry around a calendar to keep all of the stuff/ to do’s in my life organized. Just not there. Tried. Failed.

So, I have slips of paper stuck in my wallet that list appointments. Notes jotted down inside notebooks. And doing my best to remember when I have to what and when.

In a few days I’ll attempt to do my own industrial ear piercing. I had it done almost 10 years ago, but I had to take out for the medical assisting course. Even though that didn’t last that long, I wasn’t able to put it back in. Then I got a job at a chi-chi hotel and the only facial piercing we could have were pierced ears. I can’t even remember if guys were allowed to have pierced ears.

Regardless, now that my hair is long and covers my ears, I want my industrial back. The original was unique- a double industrial. Double industrial, three nose rings on the same side. That’s what happens when a bleeding heart liberals lives in conservative-ville. I strike out and make myself even more different. I’ll see your brown polo shirts and raise you piercings!

In other news, every since by my dad’s mom died in 2006, I’ve been having reoccurring dreams about one of my cousins and his dad’s farm. Six years later I’m still having them.

After Granny died I sent my cousin a letter saying that I felt sad about the fact that the next and no doubt last time I would see him would be our grandmother’s funeral. Our grandmother passed away in December of 2009. I saw him at the funeral he gave me a hug, but with so many people around and it being our grandmother’s funeral there wasn’t a chance to talk.

I spent a lot of time at my uncle’s farm and idolized my cousin. I was four or five and was absolutely in love with him, in that way that a four or five year can be. The highlight of our time together was when he took me for a ride on his dirt bike. I was such a tomboy, climbing trees, hiking in the woods and playing in streams.

We would play doctor, but it was far from sexual. It was more about who could whom more. There was this wooden bird, like a 70’s style woodpecker and we would see how hard we could hit each other with it on knees, like the reflex hammers.

He had a cousin, not related to me, that I had a great time hanging out. We would hide under the pine trees and just hang out. Once again, nothing sexual.

A few days ago I wrote my cousin another letter that said I’d like to spend some time with him at his dad’s farm. Just us, like forest ninjas. I need to make peace with that time in my life. There was so much going on that I was too young to know about. And there was stuff that I was all too aware about and I would escape the world and create my own in those woods. Imaginary friends, hunting dogs as faithful companions, crossing trees that had fallen over ravines.

I need to go back there and make peace.

The problem is that no one else can know about this journey. It especially can’t get back to my mom. I don’t plan on visiting her on this trip. I want to go to my uncle’s farm and spend some time alone at my grandmother’s grave.

There’s more to story about why my mom can’t know I’m visiting my uncle’s farm, but I’m not feeling like getting into all of that.

Perfect

2012-02-20T18:36:00.000-08:00

Damn the corporations

2012-02-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all of you that are clicking on the ads. Damn Chase bank and all others that charge for me lending them my money. We supply them and they take our money with no return. Maybe I should just keep it all in my sock drawer.

So, please, keep clicking. I get charged $12 a month all because my boss doesn’t do direct deposit.

Very sweet present from Fisher for Valentine’s day- two bamboo plants that form a heart. Perfect. Now to not kill it.

Talked through with my therapist about all the panics attacks I’ve been having. I can’t let my boss’s emotional problem be mine. In time she will make a decision to help herself. Right now she is making her choice, just like I chose to stay with the ex after I found out he cheated on me. There was a benefit to staying and I stayed. The benefit was not personal health, but there were benefits.

Getting out of an abusive relationship should be easier. But that decision to leave has to come from within. Inspired by the strength or support of others, we must make decision.

Just like Fisher and smoking. I want him to stop smoking, but he won’t until he decides that he needs to stop. He was sounding positive when I was down there at the new year. I hope he’s still doing well even under the stress of his job.

So, I will be moving back to College Town to be with Fisher. We need to be together to decide where we (together) head next.

Also working on honoring my past, but not living in it. I miss my grandmother a great deal. It kills me that I won’t see her again. My mom’s mom was one the most real people I’ve ever met. Made it through the depression, raised six kids and left an abusive husband. Read books like they were the air she needed to breathe. Funny, but grounded in German up bringing. Frugal, but incredibly generous to others.

I miss her unconditional love. Born again, but accepting of alternate life-styles and me and my sisters living in sin.

She was strong and brave and survived so many hard times. Not materialistic, but she would pick up trinkets and candy dishes at antique stores to give to us. I look forward to getting my belongings out of storage so that I’m surrounded by physical things that remind me of her.

So many fragmented sentences. I am not a writer. A dabbler that enjoys the process of writing and sharing it with others. To have the opportunity to show myself as an individual.

An individual who is thankful for love of family, friends and Fisher.

Om Mani Padme Hum

2012-02-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Pre-Ps. Here's the deal my bank charges me $12 a month because I don't have direct deposit, please help me out and click on the ad. Thank you.

Truth- I am avoiding most of my emotions. This results in panic attacks and me missing one day of work and one class this week. Waking up, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t get oxygen, by lungs don’t get air. I am suffocating. And the only thing that makes it better is staying in bed. Under the covers, hold up at base camp.

That’s the metaphor for my life right now. I’m at base camp and there’s this mountain I have to climb. No choice, have to climb mountain. Eventually, I’ll be hauled out against my will and a force will command me to march. I wonder if agreeing to climb, to march will make the journey up the mountain any easier. My choice versus no more time to procrastinate. Yes, it will be worse.

Deadlines will pass, late fees will be charged, and I won’t be prepared for challenges. Now I have time. Not as much time as I had a month ago, but I need to start now. Completing sh*t that needs to be done.

My therapist said that every person with ADHD should have a calendar that never leaves their sight. I’ve tried this. The only time it worked in a way was undergrad and I only used it for my theatre work. For schoolwork, I hoped and occasionally prayed that I wouldn’t forget anything.

Here’s the deal with the calendar, first few days are spent putting in all future stuff of which I’m currently aware. Appointments that have been made, class schedules copied from the syllabus. Maybe within the first week I’ll put in an update. The first time that an event comes and goes that has not been but in the book, all bets are off. Pitch it in the trash, I will not get back on the horse.

Why can’t I recover?

Mental block? Perfection lost? Disappointment in myself that I can’t keep a calendar updated or pick up where I left off.

Lack of wanting to put in the effort. I don’t want to.

I didn’t want to take the speech class that is technically required, so I dropped it because technically I could. I couldn’t play by my rules, so I quit.

It’s not a matter of it being too hard, although that’s sort of why I dropped my Excel class. It is a matter I have no invested personal interest and therefore if I can get away with not doing it then I will.

This behavior caused a riff in my relationship. Instead of Fisher telling me outright that he wanted me to go see the musical he was, he gave me a choice. He asked if I wanted to go.

It was Annie, he had a supporting role, I was involved with theatre for 20 years, I hate sitting in one place for longer than it takes to eat dinner. If I have to watch a show, I’d like to be in the booth away from people and snacking on cookies or main-lining starbursts or better yet peanut m&m’s.

I didn’t go.

He was very disappointed that I did not want to go to the show to support him and show my support for the theatre company that has caused him to sweat blood.

I’m a little jealous of the theatre company he works for. It sucks up all of his time. We don’t get to talk on a regular basis and when we do, it’s when he 3 minutes between rehearsal and a 10 pm finance meeting.

And after graduation in May, I will move to College Town USA to be with him, to put our relationship first and hope to god that he does the same. I don’t want to move to C.T. USA. A month before graduation I was so happy that I would be leaving that state. Middle America is not for me, even bubble of liberalism that was Middle America University. And now I’m going back.

I can’t predict that he will spend less time as the Artistic Director’s whipping boy. And if he does then I’ll ramp up my search for an out of state job (preferably Austin.)

The stress that inhabits my body is my entire body. My shoulders never relax. Not even when I sleep. I’m incapable of taking deep breaths. Falling asleep takes medication. Waking up is a struggle and causes mental pain. I’m constantly subconsciously always stressing about possible and present occurrences that I no control over.

I used to hold onto the stress and anxiety because I thought that if I let it go, then I would float away. Not kidding. I would have nightmares about it. Gravity switched to off, my floating upwards, nothing to grab a hold of and the silo shaped room has a small window on top and I will float out into nothing. These were my nightmares.

The loss of dad and grandmothers, specifically my mom’s mom haunts me. That is now the subject of nightmares. Seeing my Grandma in my dream- “She’s back, she’s here, she’s not dead,” I shout! I turn to tell my family, but when I look back she’s not there, she never was there. I miss her so much and hope with all my heart, even though in my head I know it’s not true, that I will see her again. How can someone disappear from your life, never to be seen again? I have my memories, but they have less substance than fog. I should be comforted by the memories. But the really good ones are from age 7 and under. I don’t remember what her apartment looked like, the first one I remember. She made bread pudding, had two parakeets and we would walk down to the corner 5 and dime. Maybe the toilet had a pull chain or maybe it didn’t, and I’m frustrated that I don’t remember. The parakeets were hung by a window….

If you’ve gotten this far, then you know that I’m stressing about stuff that doesn’t need to be stressed about.

Facts:

My boyfriend (whom I pined over for 16 years) loves me and in a few short (4) months we will live together.

All things considered I have my health, I at least have a support system that would pay for my health if it got bad.

I have two wonderful awesome sisters that are there when I need them. Who will be beside me for the next catastrophe.

I have an amazing dog, who at the age of 11 and a ½ plays like a puppy.

One cat that loves to snuggle, gives nose kisses and will stand on his back legs to give me a hug when I ask.

Another cat that has been with me for the last 14 years making every empty apartment and new city feel like home.

A mom who shows me why it’s important for me to accept the fact that I need to take anti-depressants. I will be not be stigmatized or ignore my depression. My cat needs insulin to feel good, I need my medications.

Even after all that my shoulders are still up to my ears.

I ask of myself, to know the difference between those things that I can change and those that I can’t. For those that I can’t I will let them go and float out the window at the top of the silo. I will stay grounded with the help of my own volition and the love I receive.

Om Mani Padme Hum

An emotional touchstone

2011-12-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

Feelings on the inside that need to put on the outside.

Making peace with my dad only to lose him to cancer. I wanted (needed) so much for him to live longer. Three weeks from the discovery of stage four small cell carcinoma to gone. I appreciate that we were given those three weeks to say sorry, to say I love you. However, I will never see my dad again and that pain is beyond words.

Damn the holidays for making apparent that my sisters and I have lost four grandparents and one parent. We’re down to a crazy Mom, whom I love dearly and do no want to lose.

To all my friends who I just recently introduced to this blog, feel no pressure to read it. It’s stuff in my head that needs to be written. I’d write it and put it into the Wailing Wall, but the Internet is more convenient.

There’s frustration growing with in me. Right now it’s manifesting in cleaning. Put shit in order. Organize pantry, drawer full of storage containers, tidy up my tiny bedroom space, work on my bathroom.

But here’s the crux, there’s other stuff that I need to be working on that’s being ignored. Finding an internship. Possibly finding another job to replace the one I have now. Graduating in five months. Time has flown by. I’ve now been in the City for almost seven months.

Some of you have wondered how I got from the east coast by the ocean to the Midwest city I’m in now.

How I got here….

In a car.

Long story shorter-

Dec 2007: Move in with boy. He’s neurotic and narcissistic, but I wanted to be able to return to school, so I ignore his neurosis.

Thought I was in love with him, thought he was in love with me.

Ok for the first few months.

Then I realized we were all wrong for each other.

Actually, I knew this even before we moved in together, but it afforded me the ability to quit my job and return to school.

August 2008: I return to school to study medical assisting. Looking for the complete 180 to what I had been doing.

September 2008: The boy starts acting really odd. Like little lies when lying wasn’t necessary.

October 2008, a few days before Halloween: I find out he had been sleeping with his best friend’s girl friend.

World: Shattered.

Moved my stuff to a friend’s house and stayed there for 3 weeks. Didn’t have the emotional energy to put my stuff in storage and pack up the car to drive north with a dog and three cats.

For many unhealthy reasons, I moved in with him. Went on with life.

Life was ok, neither good nor bad.

Two years go by, we hardly see each other because of work schedules.

My sister L* knows that I need to get out of there. Come back to the Midwest, live with me and K*, she says.

I start to really take note of every time the boy is a dick, in general and to me.

By February 2011 I made the decision to leave on April 3rd.

He would be at his friends house for the weekend and I would have less than 48 hours to pack all of my stuff and get it into a storage unit and make the first part of the journey to my Dad’s house to stay for a few days with my step mom.

It sucked, I cried.
And now it’s seven months later.

I left out a lot because I’ve done my best to make peace with all the bad shit. I’m focusing on the now, making the present count so that there’s hope for the future. My future (fingers crossed) with Fisher.

Real love, I’m finding out, isn’t crazy or dramatic. It’s warm and fuzzy. Like a little flame in your heart that keeps you warm when it’s cold. Real love is not a four alarm out-of-control, wipes out cities fire.

I am not a storyteller. This blog is just thoughts put into words and typed on a keyboard. An emotional touchstone that I am happy to share with a few dear friends. I want to not feel like we’re strangers, even though it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.

Mount Lemon, Tucson AZ 1999

9 days of Christmas in January.

2011-12-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

Pre-Ps. If you could click on an ad once you're done reading, it will bring you lots of good luck and a little bit of extra cash for the holidays.

Why does google randomly make me change my password when I sign in for blogger but never for my google home page? #whitewhine

So, I haven't written for a while. What's been up in my life?

Getting cold here in the upper mid-west city. Well, yesterday was 50 and rainy, but it did snow and stay below freezing for a few days. I hate winter. Very cold temps and wind, specifically. Wearing tights under my work clothes. I know I’ll survive, but I’d rather just sleep through winter.

Good lead on an internship. Keep your internet fingers crossed.

Loosing hours at work because the boss keeps adding more days when the office will be closed. The good is that I’ll be able to spend about 10 days with Fisher. I’ll be taking the cats with me and leaving S* with L* and K*. Hopefully K* won’t teach her any more bad habits. Between him and the ex, the dog isn’t as well trained as she used to be. She used to know down, but now when I give her that command after a sit, she just looks at the ground like that’s good enough. She’s getting older, but doesn’t appear to have arthritis that would prevent her from laying down on command.

We put up a tree and decorated the house. Took a few shots of Bailey’s to get me in the spirit, but I got there. L* is particular about what ornaments go on the tree (her ornaments, her tree), so I did the around the house stuff. Garland and bows on stuff. Looking forward to baking and decorating cookies. Plus, we’ll have our two family traditional foods for Christmas dinner- orange jello with pineapple and shredded carrots plus waldorf salad. Kinda sad our family only has to traditional Christmas foods. Oh, and yeast rolls. Not a family recipe but a family tradition.

This weekend I need to make muffins to send along with my mom’s and oldest sister’s (D) presents. Cat stuff for my mom and wine for D*.

Everything is going well with Fisher. He calls so say that he thinks about me a lot and wants to know what I’ve been doing. I’m doing good at not freaking out. Occasionally I text or call and leave a voice mail. But if I don’t hear from him, then I don’t get all psycho.

Two classes next semester and then I graduate. Excited and scared (in a good way). Did really well in my meeting planning class this semester. Happy that I’ll have the professor of my major for a class next semester. She’s pretty awesome and appreciates the experience I have and that it makes the class better. I know that there’s professional stuff I know well, but it’s nice to have it acknowledged by my major professor.

What else?

Have to take meds to sleep at night. Taking the Celexa because if I don’t, then I have withdrawal symptoms. Interested in not taking it and only taking the clonopin and adderall. Wonder what my psychiatrist would think of that?

In the realm of TMI- I’m off birth control pills and had an IUD put in. No more hormones please and thank you. My body felt so much better when I wasn’t on the pill. No hormones and no babies and a committed relationship.

Fisher and I have touched on the possibility of having kids. Of course we won’t talk about it for reals until we live together and both have steady jobs. But if we do want to produce a gene counterpart then we’ll have to start sooner rather than later. His age doesn’t matter, but I’m now on the wrong side of 35 and there’s a possibility that early menopause runs in our family.

I’m totally open to adoption, not sure what F*’s feelings are on the matter. He’s an only child and since my dad was an only child and my mom and dad had all girls, it would be kinda cool to have a boy that would be half his family’s genetic material and half mine. Not that mine is all that stellar.

I began to think differently about my no kids rule, after Fisher and I had Thanksgiving with a few of his friends and their friends. There was the cutest little girl there, 19 months old and we bonded instantly. I entertained her while her mom and dad were finishing cooking, told her about Columbus, genocide of the Native Americans and small pox. Good times.

Then later after dinner, I was playing with her Winnie the Pooh lego set and I see Fisher pushing the little girl around in a box having a good ol’ time. There’s not doubt in my mind that he’d make and awesome dad. And I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t do to bad as a mom. Cloth diapers, not using the word no, you know that whole Montessori school thing.

Sleeping too much. Should be looking for more internship opportunities. It’s so damn comfortable to spend time in bed with my dog on one side and H*, my snuggle bunny (9 year old) kitten attached to my hip and sleeping under the covers with me. With the last year and a half being the season of human and pet death, I want to spend as time with them as I can. R*, my oldest cat will be 15 this coming spring, H* will be 10 and my dog S* will be 12. And even though R* is doing really well with his insulin shots, no one live forever. Although L* had a cat that lived to 18.

‘Cause what you really want to read about is the age of my pets.

So, taking cats with me for my 9 days with Fisher. Sadly, leaving dog, who will be well taken care of in the City.

Two more classes, then graduation. Keeping fingers crossed for internship.

Computer is being really slow when I type. Emptied my trash, which had a crap load of stuff in it. Maybe that will help.

Word hates my grammar usage. It yells because it cares, too bad I don’t listen.

Ps. Miss home away from home in Texas, miss my friends in West Palm and excited about seeing a very good friend at the end this month and meeting her little boy.

Life in Percentages

2011-10-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

1:27 am. Woken by the urge to pee, a slight annoying headache and waking up to some stomach pain. I've had the headache since around 6:30p. Caused I'm assumed by air pressure changes and the storm I was approaching as I drove from Fisher's back to my home base.

At the start of the trip I took half an adderall (7.5 mg) and I as a traveled on my head began to hurt. My neck was pretty sore too. That's what happens when you had 2 herniated discs in your neck and don't go to physical therapy for as long as you should. So, I took the one hydrocodone that I had with me. Unfortunately, that made me feel sleepy and driving at night through some light rain with the window wipers was hypnotic. Took a whole adderall hoping that would wake me up, but I wasn't feeling it. So, what's the next logical thing to do? Take one more.

Normally, I take a half. Any more and my heart races and I feel like I've drank 5 cups off coffee. Adderall helps me concentrate; excessive adderall turns me into a hamster in a wheel. Lots of moving, absolutely nothing accomplished.

Made it home in good time, took a clonopin and all things considered fell asleep pretty quickly.

Cut to 4 hours later and I have stomach pains from the hydrocodone. Really, I should never take one of those ever again. Here's the deal- because I have no gall bladder, the bile that enters my digestive track isn't "normal." So, when I lay down, the abnormal bile backs up into my stomach and if I take a hydrocodone and lay down before my body has fully digested it, it mixes with the no gall bladder bile and causes some severe stomach discomfort.

So, I'm awake and sort of sitting up, eating some yogurt hoping that soon I'll be able to fall asleep like my brain and body really want to do. My dog is laying next to me with her back against my leg, so that's really only the point in favor of being awake 6 hours before I have to be up to go to work.

The visit with Fisher was pretty darn awesome, but also very short. Drove down yesterday at 11am, got there at 3p and drove back to day at 6pm.

I love that he'll listen to what's going on in my life and is sincerely interested. Sure, as soon as I get to his apartment we could head straight to the bedroom, but our attraction to each other is 50% mental, 50% sexual. Having know each other for so long and knowing each so well, we have some pretty great conversations. But the one thing that I value above all is that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not and I am absolutely 100% myself around him.

Getting sleepy, eyes closing, sleep tugging at my elbow.

Hoping headache over my left eye goes away.

I'm doing my best to appreciate the time I spend with him. Appreciate knowing that he misses me when I'm not there and our plan to finally intertwine our lives into one. Although it remains to be seen if he's just humoring me about having a goat, dog and cat that are all friends. I see them being buddies on an enclosed back porch and the dog and goat playing in the back yard. The dog and cat will cuddle together at the foot of the bed. Or more likely they'll take up 75% of the bed, while Fisher and I eek out a small portion for us.

And he's coming up here next weekend. Wednesday is my birthday, so L* will make my cake and we'll all go out to dinner. Fisher asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that being able to be with him two weekends in a row was pretty awesome. Years past I've gone to the zoo or an independent petting zoo for my birthday, but I think the city zoo has taken the goats inside now that it's getting cold. Maybe we'll just stay in bed with S* lying at the foot of the bed.

Anyway, I finally told him that what I wanted for my birthday was for him to begin thinking about what he wants to do when we move somewhere together and where that somewhere might be. I've only got 6 weeks left of this semester and then spring semester and then graduation. Time doesn't stop, nor slow down and it'll be May before we know it. May does mean warmer weather and that I'm looking forward to.

For next time- how we spent the weekend and the crazy lake hike we did.

(In Spite of)/(Despite) the Fact

2011-10-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with Fisher. Talked about my mom and other issues that I've been dealing with. Not knowing when I'll see him next, knowing that the phone will end. Makes me teary-eyed. It's beyond words how I feel about having him in my life. Not knowing when I'll next hear from him, see him, finally share a home with him-- well that sucks.

And I have to make sure I'm not coming off as too needy because he can't up and move to be with me. There has to be a plan in place and right now he doesn't have time or all the pieces to be able to start thinking about the plan. He's terribly stressed because of his job and missing me adds to his depression.

Also, see that ad over there. I'd appreciate it if you clicked it so I could save some money to visit a very dear friend of mine. Every now and again you need the princess treatment- that's what I get when I go there and be the store cat.

Friendship. Acceptance. Love.

Scratching Backs, Helping Out

2011-10-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

I've added added ads to my blog. Let me know what you guys think. For me to make any money (say for visiting my awesome friends in warm, far away lands), I need you to click on the ad links. Just viewing my blog, I believe, doesn't do anything.

I'd really appreciate a few clicks here and there. And if you have a blog with ads let me know your blog address in the comments and I'll do the same for you.

Look- that 204 score- that mine! Probably the first time I have gotten over 200 pts in Scrabble.

A Diatribe Like Any Other

2011-10-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

I hate having to type this because then I have to look at my worry and wonder if I'm over-worrying. Is it a pointless worry or valid? Should I wait to worry until later like when we live together? Or should I anticipate so that I'm aware and in the moment.

Last relationship, last boyfriend- I/the "relationship" was not his priority. If it was, it ranked below himself, his friends, recreational/activity stuff that he liked to do, shopping for said activities or weird hobbies and, trust me, the list went on.

Sure our work schedules were completely opposite, but it was nothing for him to leave me alone to go visit a friend that lived 4 hours away that with his schedule he could visit every other month. Maybe we would get two days off together a month, but if one of those days overlapped with a trip to his friend's- who was the priority. Not me.

So, now me and Fisher. Fisher is crazy busy and his boss is a workaholic and uses Fisher like a co-dependent wing-nut. That made no sense, but the point is that Fisher is mad busy and hates his job becuase of it. But he's always been mad busy trying to lift up the community theatre like freakin' Atlas. Fisher is human, he's been saying yes to every sad eyed community theatre yokel for the last 25 f'n years. My hope that now that he's on the other side of 45 he'll finally want to change gears and want to have a real, meaningful long-lasting live-together relationship.

If I moved back to College Town to be with him, I would never be above this damn community theatre wanna-be something. His boss has Fisher on a retractable leash. Think you're walking on you're own- nope, let me call you at 10pm at night to let you know that tomorrow at 10pm at night we're having a budget meeting. Who does that sh*t?

He has to move. He mentioned moving up here to Big City, Midwest. F*ck that. I hate it here. Inconsiderate drivers, cost of living, insanely high taxes. I'd rather live beneath or in the hills of a conservative state that may produce less than average high school graduates at a lower than average rate compared to the percentage of graduates in other states. What? Go with it or really just keep reading...

I am a split down the middle Southerner/Yankee. 50/50.

Although, I really prefer areas where the Mason/Dixon line isn't even an issue.

F*ck, I know he's busy, but I could use a boost. Sick all this week. Place to myself makes me miss having my own place to myself. Or at least a place with someone with whom I'm also dating. Can't have roommates.

Is it selfish of me that right now I want to come first. Not all the time, but now after I've had a down trodden weak of ick. He'll call and he'll apologize for being so busy, how he hates his job, misses me. And some how I need to find a way to sooth my impatient soul, need satisfaction now, have no money to do that by buying something on-line. Look! New! Shiny! Distraction! I've already caught up on the little tv I enjoy and watched a 2nd ep of a show I want to like, but is about rich white married people who really have nothing to complain about, but yet are still complaining.

Arg.

2011-10-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

My fear is that all this good, peaceful-making feeling is going to drop to the bottom and take me with it. When it comes to emotions, I run luke-warm, with an edge of slightly cold. On my meds, I'm happy. And when I'm really down it's hard to put into action taking my meds even knowing that they will make me feel better.

When I'm low energy and curled up in bed, that last thing I want is to take something that will give me energy to get out of bed. Because before the meds, cuddled up in bed was my only way to feel safe and keep the anxiety at bay.

Cuddled up in bed, the world could be experiencing the apocolypse adn I wouldn't care. In bed, feeling safe, bad stuff, stuff I'm ignoring does not exist.

Today I had a wonderful moment, where my present self reached out to my past self. Mending fences, reaching back 15 years of self and trying to tell my 19 year old self that it did get better, that we will get better. I hope that's what I say to my 36 year old self in another 15 years.

And today I am thankful for the man that Fisher has become. He's pretty darn amazing.

It's a Small World

2011-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

A shout out to my readers in Germany and Russia. I'd love for you to comment. How did you find me? Where are you in those countries?

Edit to add: People of the US! Thank you. But seriuosly, you're just not as interesting as being read by someone(s) in Germany and Russia. If you're in the States, same questions apply. Go for it-

Cathartic

2011-10-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

Here at Fisher's computer. So nice to be in a normal relationship. For example, the ex always kept his computer on lock down. Password protected, logged off if he was away from it for 2 seconds. Unlike how it was this morning with Fisher and he gave no thought to giving me his password so I could go on-line. Dear me, that last one was messed up.

Nice fall day. Brought S* along with me. Fisher is working today from 9a til 7p, so S* and I went for a walk on campus. Perfect fall day. Long sleeves, scarf, sunshine, slight breeze. She had a great time sniffing and peeing on everything. We went on quite the trek from the union, to opera house, to the fountain, to my old dorm, to where Fisher lived when we dated.

Back in the day mid 90s here on campus I was crazy. Walking around today visiting the old haunts was very cathartic. Making peace with the past. Putting out good energy where once there was bad, very bad. Took pictures of S* in some iconic locations. Maybe if the weather is nice again tomorrow, we'll head back out. The dog is sacked out from the day.

We talked about being on the same page of working towards moving somewhere together. Felt good to here him say that. Lacking a whole lot of stability in my life, so knowing that we're working together towards a goal is comforting.

After he left this morning I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was feeling down because come Monday morning I head home and I won't know when I'll see him again. Showered, ate, took meds and got out of the house. His apartment is pretty depressing, so that didn't help. He's never home, so the state of its being doesn't really matter. It all feels very temporary, which is good for us, but bad a place to hang out if you're feeling down.

Fisher is so great with S* and understanding. He appreciates how much she mean to me. And maybe we'll agree to add another dog or a goat. L* and I went to an alpaca farm last weekend. They are cute are very soft, but I want a goat. Guess you sort of have to have more than one for company or a dog that's grown up with the goat so that they are best friends. That would be cool.

Fisher mentioned that it maybe as soon as December that he wants to get out of here, the college town. He's been here since 1983 and his current job is killing him. No days off, large amounts of responsibilities that fall on his shoulders, working 18 hour days. When he gets depressed he retreats inward and doesn't want to talk or be around anybody. I think, though, that our relationship is strong enough that he won't push me away. It does seem like our goal of moving somewhere together will happen.

On other fronts, school is school, need to dig in more with one class that I'm moderately blowing off. Work is ok. New skills, more job opportunities.

Today was about making peace with me own worst enemy- my past actions.

Accentuate the positive.

2011-09-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

There will be times when life sucks. As in the pain you feel will feel endless. All you will want is to go back and make it right. Spend more time, don't hurt, make it right, listen, be in the moment. Regret. You will have thoughts of regret whether or not you've ever told yourself that you have no regrets. When someone you love dies or you realized the life lesson after the barn door is shut and the horse is no where to be found.

Moment by moment, day by day you deal with the pain and do your best to distract yourself from the pain. Pain, hurt, regret will consume you. In an instant. You have to fight back. In your weakest moment you have to fight back. Don't do it alone- call a friend, see a therapist. But dear god, don't expect the person that you just hurt, don't ask him or her to make it better. Only you can reach inside yourself and start the journey to better.

I'm doing ok. And the rant above is only slightly referential and then from only a third party point of view.

Try, do your best, not to have regrets because if you live to old age, I'm talking late 80s and 90s, all you will have is the past. Have happy times on which to reflect. Dependent on someone to take care of you- fix your meals, get you out of the house, take you to the bathroom- you don't want to have regret sneaking up on you. Your life will suck enough.

This is my only life. I will do my best to appreciate each moment I have. My amazing sisters, the amazingness of finding love with someone who dealt with me at my worst. I pined for 16 years. I should have lived my life for 16 years. I could have not pined, not cried over lost love and still have reconnected with Fisher. We're not back together because I shitted away great moments of my life because I was obsessed with him.

Appreciate all the good- in yourself and others. Do your best to be a better person. To have pure love for another. Plan for the future, but don't write it in blood. Write it in pencil or have some white-out handy.