Musings Of An Obsessive Mind

A Message Of Hope

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 14:05:00 +0000

Christmas is the one day of the year that carries real hope and promise for all humankind. It carries the torch of brother- and sisterhood. It is the one day in the year when most of us grow big of heart and broad of mind. It is the single day when most of us are as kind and as thoughtful of others as we know how to be; when most of us are as gracious and generous as we would like always to be; when the joy of home is more important than the profits of the office; when peoples of all races speak cheerfully to each other when they meet; when high and low wish each other well; and the one day when even enemies forgive and forget. ~ Edgar Guest

Peace On Earth In Our Family This Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 20:31:00 +0000

I have been offline for the past few months and as a result haven't updated my blog. I want to thank all of my visitors who have been here during that time. There have been several people in the various blog communities I'm a member of post comments, request friendship, etc. and I'm behind on answering those. Thanks to all of you and I'll get to those soon.

Today would've been my parents 51st wedding anniversary. I sure miss them, especially here at Christmas time.

One of the things I miss since they have passed away is our family Christmas Eve party. That was a special time for Mother and a family tradition she started. We would have sandwiches, chips & dip, and a few of her delicious pies. Then we would exchange some of our presents. You'll have to forgive me - I'm having one of those "warm, fuzzy" moments right now.

This was one of the topics my sister and I discussed when she called earlier today. We hadn't talked in several days because our off and on relationship was in the "off" mode due to a difference of opinion. She called because of Mom and Dad's anniversary. I'm glad she did; I had intended to call her.

Another topic my sister and I discussed were the deaths of two of our aunts last week. The first one was Dad's sister-in-law & the other was Mother's sister-in-law. My heart goes out to our families. Death is difficult, especially at Christmas time when all the family have hopes of being together.

These two deaths reminded me that my sister and I are the last of our family. I can remember how lonely Daddy was at times after all of his brothers and sisters were gone and especially after Mother passed away.

My sister and I won't be together this Christmas, but will be spending it with other family and friends. We'll be having our family gathering the first of the year when my niece and nephew will be here. But because we were willing to put aside our differences, we don't have to feel so alone either. We still have each other and that's the most important thing whether we're together or not.

I'm glad we have "Peace On Earth" in our family again and I truly hope you have it in your family this Christmas and the coming New Year.

"I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day"

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882), 1867)

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

A Bad Hair Day!

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 23:58:00 +0000

A New Hair Cut

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 23:16:00 +0000

My "Little Girl" Honey

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 23:11:00 +0000

Statistical Snapshot of College Drinking

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 22:23:00 +0000

The following information is from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

The consequences of excessive and underage drinking affect virtually all college campuses, college communities, and college students, whether they are younger or older than the minimum legal drinking age and whether or not they choose to drink.

• Alcohol Consumption and Binge Drinking are Common Among College Students1

- Alcohol Consumption: About four in five of all college students drink, including nearly 60 percent of students age 18 to 20.

- Binge Drinking: Approximately two of every five college students of all ages—more than 40 percent—have reported engaging in binge drinking at least once during the past 2 weeks. However, colleges vary widely in their binge drinking rates—from 1 percent to more than 70 percent (Wechsler et al., 1994, 1998, 2000b and NSDUH 2006).

• Excessive Drinking in College Leads to Many Adverse Outcomes2
- Deaths: It is estimated that 1,700 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die each year from alcohol-related unintentional injuries, including motor vehicle crashes (about half among students under 21)

- Injuries: It is estimated that 599,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are unintentionally injured under the influence of alcohol each year (about half among students under 21)

- Assaults: It is estimated that more than 696,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking each year (430,000 of them by a college student under 21)

- Sexual Abuse: It is estimated that more than 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape each year (about half among students under 21)

- Unsafe Sex: It is estimated that more than 400,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 had unprotected sex as a result of their drinking and more than 100,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 report having been too intoxicated to know if they consented to having sex each year

- Academic Problems: It is estimated that about 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall

- Vandalism: About 11 percent of college student drinkers report that they have damaged property while under the influence of alcohol

For additional information about college drinking, go to NIAAA’s College Drinking Prevention Web site at: http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/.

Notes/Additional Resources

1 Johnston LD, O’Malley PM, Bachman JG, Schulenberg JE. Monitoring the Future National Survey Results on Drug Use, 1975–2007. Volume I: Secondary School Students (NIH Publication No. 08–6418A). Bethesda, MD: National Institute on Drug Abuse, 2008, p. 26.

2 Hingson R, Heeren T, Winter M, Wechsler H. Magnitude of alcohol-related mortality and morbidity among U.S. college students ages 18–24: Changes from 1998 to 2001. Annu Rev Public Health 26:259–279, 2005.

A Natural Stress Reliever

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Mon, 24 May 2010 00:36:00 +0000

Have you ever had one of those times in your life when you felt really stressed out? When it seems like every little thing bugs you and someone could say something and you could blow it out of proportion? Sometimes it may even feel like you have mental cobwebs in the corners of your mind that need to be swept down.

There is a simple solution to cleaning out those cobwebs, leaving your mind calm and relaxed. Therefore making it much easier to tolerate those little things that can bug you to death. Almost anyone can do it and you don't need a lot of money to get started. The main thing you need is the will power to do it. Yes, it's that simple.

Walking is an exercise that's great for both mind and body. I have been so stressed at times that I felt like I was going to explode, but going for a walk in the fresh air and sun done wonders for my problems. I still had my problems, but they didn't bother me as much. I was more able to deal with them, instead of them dealing with me. The troubled fabric of my wrinkled mind had been ironed out. It's no surprise that sometimes I've worked out a solution or have a better idea how to work it out.

How does walking or any aerobic exercise help make your mind calm and refreshed? While you're outdoors, feeling the wind blowing on your face along with the warmth of the sun, your feet making contact with the pavement and enjoying the scenery (nice neighborhoods with manicured lawns, squirrels scampering and chattering, birds chirping) a chemical is being released in your brain. It's the same chemical that's released when you take antidepressants. It's called Serotonin.

In addition to having a calming effect on your mind, walking is a great way to reduce your weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, tone up your legs and strengthen the cardiovascular system. All leading back to feeling good about yourself.

For me, the hardest part is getting out the door. I can make all kinds of excuses to stay inside. These are just a few of them: The weather is too hot or cold; what will people think?; I don't feel like it.

Let's take a closer look at these excuses. There is nothing that can be done about the weather, except try to pick a time of day when the temperature is more comfortable. The times I don't feel like it and make myself go anyway, I usually end up feeling better. What will people think? To be honest, probably nothing. They are too busy with their own lives to give much attention to what I'm doing. If they do notice what I'm doing, what they see is nothing unusual. People walk everyday for exercise. In fact, it could be a great way to meet new friends.

As for getting out the door, sometimes it's best to remember the old Nike commercial that said "Just do it". Stop thinking about why it shouldn't be done and get out the door and keep going. It's not easy for me to stop thinking and do it, but I know I can. I've done it in the past. I've found the effort is well worth it.

Alcoholism: Getting the Facts

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:37:00 +0000

For many people, the facts about alcoholism are not clear. What is alcoholism, exactly? How does it differ from alcohol abuse? When should a person seek help for a problem related to his or her drinking? The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) has prepared this booklet to help individuals and families answer these and other common questions about alcohol problems. The information below will explain alcoholism and alcohol abuse, symptoms of each, when and where to seek help, treatment choices, and additional helpful resources.

A Widespread Problem

For most people, alcohol is a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. Moderate alcohol use--up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits) -- is not harmful for most adults. Nonetheless, a substantial number of people have serious trouble with their drinking. Currently, nearly 14 million Americans--1 in every 13 adults--abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. Several million more adults engage in risky drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems. In addition, approximately 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.

The consequences of alcohol misuse are serious--in many cases, life-threatening. Heavy drinking can increase the risk for certain cancers, especially those of the liver, esophagus, throat, and larynx (voice box). It can also cause liver cirrhosis, immune system problems, brain damage, and harm to the fetus during pregnancy. In addition, drinking increases the risk of death from automobile crashes, recreational accidents, and on-the-job accidents and also increases the likelihood of homicide and suicide. In purely economic terms, alcohol-use problems cost society approximately $100 billion per year. In human terms, the costs are incalculable.

What Is Alcoholism?

Alcoholism, which is also known as "alcohol dependence syndrome," is a disease that is characterized by the following elements:

• Craving: A strong need, or compulsion, to drink.
• Loss of control: The frequent inability to stop drinking once a person has begun.
• Physical dependence: The occurrence of withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety, when alcohol use is stopped after a period of heavy drinking. These symptoms are usually relieved by drinking alcohol or by taking another sedative drug.
• Tolerance: The need for increasing amounts of alcohol in order to get "high."

Alcoholism has little to do with what kind of alcohol one drinks, how long one has been drinking, or even exactly how much alcohol one consumes. But it has a great deal to do with a person's uncontrollable need for alcohol. This description of alcoholism helps us understand why most alcoholics can't just "use a little willpower" to stop drinking. He or she is frequently in the grip of a powerful craving for alcohol, a need that can feel as strong as the need for food or water. While some people are able to recover without help, the majority of alcoholic individuals need outside assistance to recover from their disease. With support and treatment, many individuals are able to stop drinking and rebuild their lives.

Many people wonder: Why can some individuals use alcohol without problems, while others are utterly unable to control their drinking? Recent research supported by NIAAA has demonstrated that for many people, a vulnerability to alcoholism is inherited. Yet it is important to recognize that aspects of a person's environment, such as peer influences and the availability of alcohol, also are significant influences. Both inherited and environmental influences are called "risk factors." But risk is not destiny. Just because alcoholism tends to run in families doesn't mean that a child of an alcoholic parent will automatically develop alcoholism.

Al-Anon/Alateen
Alcoholics Anonymous
Can I Get Sober On My Own?

The Important Things In Life

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 02:59:00 +0000

It's been a little over two months since I've posted and the only excuse that I can really give is that I've let other things get in the way of taking care of my blog. Despite this, there have been several who have been coming here and I do appreciate that. That has been an encouragement to start writing again.

It's been six months today since Daddy died and I thought this would be a good time to start posting again. It just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Six months ago was also a Friday and it's almost like I'm reliving it all over again.

I can still remember very vividly talking to Daddy several times that day on the phone. At least two or three of the conversations were about the bank accidentally putting his check into my account and me telling him I was on the way to straighten it out. I was surprised, but glad, he didn't get upset about it. His attitude then was like "Oh well, things like that happen".

This August 17th will be seven years since Mother passed away and it doesn't seem like it's been that long either.

I'm so glad that I still have my family: My sister & brother-in-law, my niece & her family and my nephew. I'm so glad that I still have my AA family and friends.

I'm glad that we had our mother and daddy as long as we did. I'm glad that we still have their memories to cherish.

I'm also glad that I still have my sobriety. Without that, I wouldn't be able to enjoy all that life has to offer.

For me, there's nothing more important than that.

My Blog And Why I Write

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 01:59:00 +0000

This survey is from the State Of Denmark blog.

My AP Literature and Composition students are working on their senior presentations. I have promised them that I too will complete a research project. This blog has been a huge part of my project, as I am researching why people blog. I have read several articles pertaining to my topic, but I would love to gather as much information from “real live bloggers”, if at all possible. So, if you are willing to participate, I have a few questions I would love to ask you. Perhaps we could make this a meme and you could post in on your on blog and just leave a link under my comments…..

1. How long have you been blogging?
Since November 19, 2009
2. Why did you start blogging?
I started as a way of dealing with my dad's sudden death in October
3. What have you found to be the benefits of blogging?
I enjoy both expressing myself through writing and having other people read it.
4. How many times a week do you post an entry?
I had been posting about twice a week. I've gotten behind on writing due to a class I've been trying to keep up with.
5. How many different blogs do you read on a regular basis?
I'm not reading very many blogs right now. I've found some good ones that are inspiring that I need to devote more time to reading.
6. Do you comment on other people’s blogs?
I have a few.
7. Do you keep track of how many visitors you have? Is so, are you satisfied with your numbers?
Yes, I keep track. I'd like to see more visitors to my blog.
8. Do you ever regret a post that you wrote?
The one I wrote on Christmas Eve 2009. I had said because I wasn't going to spend Christmas with my sister, I was going to spend it with friends. I ended up staying home by myself. I should have posted a follow up explaining this, but I didn't.
9. Do you think your audience has a true sense of who you are based on your blog?
I hope they do.
10. Do you blog under your real name?
No, I feel more comfortable using an alias. It gives me the feeling of being more free to be honest in what I write. The people's names that I mention have also been changed. All of the experiences I write about are real, though.
11. Are there topics that you would never blog about?
Yes, there are topics that I think would be inappropriate for this type of blog.
12. What is the theme/topic of your blog?
This blog is where I want to share with you my musings and thoughts on a variety of subjects including, but not limited to, life, death, family, friends, my struggles with addiction, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Many of these posts you will find serious in nature. I’ve been told that I can get into subjects rather “deep”. I like to think of it as being philosophical. There are other times when I will try to lighten the mood.
13. Do you have more than one blog? If so, why?
No

The Rage Of OCD

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:39:00 +0000

When I finished the two posts about losing my therapist Kara , I left my readers with a sense that I was dealing with what happened rather well. To be honest, I thought I was dealing with it a lot better and had begun to accept things. Having answers to some of my questions did help at that time, but when a person has OCD these feelings of acceptance can be very short lived.

More questions begin to enter my mind and I questioned these questions. I've been worrying over the details of what happened so much that I've begun to wonder if things happened the way I thought they did. I've even questioned what happened to the point of wondering if my very life was just an illusion.

I've tried to capture what it's like inside my mind during these times:

Thoughts swirl thru my mind nonstop... continually and never ending - like walking thru an endless tunnel-totally dark, nothing except these thoughts-is that a minuscule spot of light hundreds of yards ahead? Could it possibly be an end to this tunnel of torment? An end to these questions? Please! There has to be an end! Sometime, somewhere, somehow, someway there has to be an end!

Thoughts swirl like dust and debris in a storm. The wind rages. The rain blows hard. Trees are being ripped out of the ground. Thunder booms and lightening cuts through the night. The power of my thoughts rage and roar seemingly forever.

For more information on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder click here.

An Alcoholic Confronts His Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 03:54:00 +0000

Sometimes the struggle between an alcoholic and his addiction can be fierce. He knows what will happen if he takes the first drink. He remembers all the shame and guilt from all the other times when he gave into it. Yet, at times, the desire is so strong that he just doesn’t care about these things.

When I wrote this dialogue, it didn’t take me long to realize that I was going to have to get to my point and end it soon. Writing this took me back to some of those times when I let the “bottle” win. I wasn’t just seeing an empty whiskey bottle, but the color of the liquid contents as well.

Things like this can be triggers for us alcoholics. It triggers our memories of what we thought were the good times. During one of my conversations with my former therapist Kara, I told her that for me just filling up ice trays was a trigger. I still recall the funny look she gave me. She understood when I explained that I never filled up the ice trays unless I was going to the store for a bottle.

Me: What do you want? Why are you even here?

Bottle: You know the answer to those questions without asking me.

Me: The only answer I have for you is that your promises are empty lies.

Bottle: Now, you know that’s not true. But to answer your question, I’m here because you want me. We’re friends, remember?

Me: Friends? You’ve got to be joking! Friends? All the lies you’ve told me. All the misery you’ve caused.

Bottle: You sure didn’t talk this way to me all those times you drank my contents. What? Don’t you recall all the pleasure I gave you? Don’t you recall how I took all your troubles away? I’m simply here because you want these things again.

Me: Have you got an ego or what? I bet you even believe your own lies! Yeah, you gave me pleasure all right. You even took my troubles away. But when I sobered up, where were you then? Oh, you were still here. I could hear you laughing hysterically at me.

Bottle: Laughing? Me, your best friend? Why would I do that?

Me: Yeah, you. And some friend you were. Give me pleasure and take away my problems for a few hours. But then what? For days afterward all the guilt you left behind. Where were you then? Where were you when I suffered through all the things that I allowed you to cause me to do? Let me make one thing clear. I have true friends now that put you to shame! I’m through letting you shame me. Get out!

Bottle: But…

Me: I said get out!

Bottle: You don’t really want that. Wait! What are you doing? No! Don’t smash me, you’re only friend! No! Please…

Me: I know what I want and it definitely is not you!

If you or a loved one thinks you may have a problem with alcohol, please call one of the numbers below or check out these sites for help.

Alcohol Abuse and Crisis Intervention: 800-234-0246
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment: 800-234-0420
Alcohol Hotline Support & Information: 800-331-2900

How To Find AA Meetings
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism FAQs
Mayo Clinic--Alcoholism

The Allure Of Chocolate

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:32:00 +0000

Thanks to my friend Starlite over at my favorite mental health forum psychcentral, I discovered that tomorrow is National Chocolate Cake Day. In honor of both that event and my friend Star, I wanted to post something about all things chocolate.

If, while reading this, you have a sudden urge for chocolate, please make a mad dash for your favorite chocolate bar and come finish reading!

What makes chocolate so appealing? The experts believe that when a person eats chocolate the chemical serotonin is released in the brain. This is the mood-elevating chemical that’s released when anti-depressants are taken. It’s also believed serotonin is released when a person exercises.

I can see a great potential here. Just think about it for a minute. You shouldn’t take any medicine you absolutely don’t have to. Besides, a lot of pills have unpleasant side effects and sometimes you just forget to take them.

As for exercise, who has the time or will power? Some people are too tired from their jobs to go to the gym. Others (like me!) simply just can't stay motivated.

So instead of taking pills or “sweating to the oldies” just eat plenty of chocolate.

“What about guilt?” you may ask. What guilt? After eating an entire box of this delicious treat, your brain will have so much serotonin in it you won’t care about calories!

For those chocoholics who like statistics here is something interesting. Did you know the Swiss consume 21 pounds of chocolate per person a year and the Germans consume 20 pounds per person each year? Even the average Belgian or Brit downs some 16 pounds annually, but we Americans eat only 12 pounds a year.

If a study were done on the mental health of the citizens in these five countries, it would likely reveal that Americans are much more depressed than these other countries.

And whose fault is that? As citizens of the U.S., it’s our right to feel just as good as the Europeans do. So, eat more chocolate Americans!

The Harm Our Words Can Cause

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 09:04:00 +0000

There is an old saying that I remember from my elementary school days. Whenever someone would say something bad to another person, that person would reply, “sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Those words were very brave coming from a first or second grader. I know personally deep down inside that wasn’t true. I know words can wound a person emotionally much like stones can hurt physically. Perhaps in some ways the words do more damage than stones. Physical wounds heal over time, but sometimes emotional wounds last a lifetime.

I’ve been called names because I didn’t fit in with what my peers thought I should be. At other times I was made fun of because people didn’t like the way I looked.

One of the worst things that can happen to a young person is for an authority figure to ridicule them in front of their peers. I can recall two incidents from my past.

The first was in eighth grade science. The teacher discovered that I was embarrassed easily. At every opportunity that presented itself she was sure to call attention to my blushing. Each time this happened, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull it in on top of me.

The second time was in ninth grade civics class. The teacher told me to shut one of the windows. When I got up from my desk and walked toward the window, she said, “You sure are moving slow!”

Quite naturally the entire class had a good laugh out of these experiences. I was so humiliated by both of these teachers and neither one of them cared. Thinking back on those two experiences, I wonder why they were so intent on tearing a young person down instead of building them up? I was extremely insecure growing up and that just fueled the flames. I think this says a lot about how these teachers saw themselves. People make fun of others to cover up their own insecurities and make themselves feel better.

How humiliating can it be for an insecure teen to be put down in front of his classmates by someone he looks up to? Neither one of them was calling me names, but they were definitely throwing emotional sticks and stones. Over thirty years later they still hurt.

When I was in the first grade, I snuck up behind one of my classmates intending to pull a prank on him. Startling him, his elbow came back and hit me in the mouth. There was pain and blood, but I had forgotten all about this physical wound until I began writing this post.

A couple years ago, I had a wreck on my bicycle. Besides my pride being hurt, I was extremely stiff and sore for a while. I have thought much more about the pain inflicted by the two teachers instead of the aches and pains of a bike wreck.

When parents throw these “sticks and stones” the humiliation just can’t get any worse. I’ve seen parents of small children yelling curse words at them that just made my blood boil. On one occasion, I witnessed a mother give a 3 or 4 year old a tongue lashing just because he was slow getting into a van. Just because the child was an inconvenience to her, he received a cursing that no self-respecting adult would have tolerated. When a child that age is humiliated by a parent, how can he even be expected to grow up to be a self-respecting adult, much less someone who respects others?

One study showed that verbally abused children are twice as likely to develop mood or anxiety disorders. They also showed 60 percent more symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Another one has shown that verbal abuse can hurt just as much as nondomestic physical and sexual abuse.

Just like a sledgehammer can be used to tear down a brick wall in a matter of minutes, emotional sledgehammers can tear a person down even quicker. It takes much longer to rebuild a wall than it takes to tear it down and it can take years for kind words and deeds to undo the damage caused by harsh words.

Sometimes these “sledgehammers” can cause wounds so bad that they never heal. According to an editorial in The Freeport News: “A few years ago in the United States, a 12-year-old boy committed suicide after constantly being teased in school. Since then there have been several reports of suicides allegedly as a result of children being teased. On an international television talk show, many other teens admitted to having thoughts of suicide because of constant verbal abuse from their peers and also parents.”

How sad that young people take their own lives just because someone is so determined to tear them down with words.

I mentioned the two teachers who tore me down with their words. There is another occasion that I remember when I was a little older. I was going through a difficult time in my teen years with a lot of depression. My sister and I were sitting in a hospital waiting room while our parents visited a sick relative when a stranger walked up to us. He was a rather large man who reminded me of one of those professional wrestlers on TV. He said, “Do you know that God loves you?” Those kind words were enough to lift my depression if only for a few minutes. I can still remember the relief I felt.

Words truly can hurt, but they can also heal. Let’s choose our words carefully.

Our Influence On Children

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:13:00 +0000

I wonder how many of us adults ever stop and think about how are actions and words affect our children, grand-children, nieces, nephews and even our friend’s children? They have such impressionable minds that are so easy for us to mold and shape. A lot of times we don’t realize the influence that we have on them.

I was standing in a check out lane at a local grocery store when I noticed a little boy and his grandfather just ahead of me. As they were waiting their turn in line, the boy’s papaw was talking to another person. When it finally became their turn at the checkout, Papaw continued with his conversation and the small boy began his struggle to reach into the buggy and place each item on the counter.

When his papaw realized what was going on, he started to unload the buggy but his grandson quickly protested. He told his papaw that he would do it! So the older man turned back to his conversation.

When the boy was almost finished, I began to wonder about the last item in the buggy. I knew it was much too heavy for the child to move, but in his mind I can imagine that he was picturing himself big enough to move it for his papaw. Finally, his papaw turned around and put the case of beer on the counter.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if the boy’s imagination took him to a time when he was much older and would be able to drink a beer with his papaw. Maybe in his child’s mind he was old enough. “If it’s good enough for papaw, then why isn’t it good enough for me?” Why should he have Kool-Aide when he could have an “adult drink”? Maybe he did have a drink with his papaw. I’ve known of adults who thought it was cute to see their children drunk.

This reminds me of an anti-smoking commercial from 1967. It showed a boy who copied every move his father made. Finally the father took his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and put the last one in his mouth, then threw the empty pack on the ground. His son picked up the empty pack and looked at it. The narrator said, “Like father, like son.”

I was visiting a friend when I noticed that she was letting her infant son play with an empty cigarette pack. To me, she was sending him a message that said it was OK for him to smoke. Sure he was just a baby, but babies learn by imitating their parents. “Like Mother, Like Son”.

We all have choices in life about whether we take up habits like smoking or drinking alcohol and a lot of times these habits become addictions. But when we as adults model this type of behavior in front of children, what are their choices when they copy us? A 6 year old child whose father thinks it’s “cute” to give his son a drink of his beer may be on his way to becoming an alcoholic before he reaches the legal age to buy beer.

Let's help our younger generation make the right choices.

Update: The Turning Points Of Life

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 22:58:00 +0000

Sometimes when you’re standing at a turning point in life, it really helps to seek out answers to things that you don’t understand. There are times when seeking out answers may not help much. Such as why did a loved one have to die? In this situation about loosing my therapist, for me, seeking out answers has been crucial in helping me move on and hopefully to stop blaming people.

I think one of the keys to seeking out answers in situations like this is to wait until you’ve calmed down and are less emotional. Emotions can cloud judgments making it very difficult to understand other people’s view points.

I still don’t have all the answers as to why the doctor acted in the manner that she did, but I’m still seeking them out. I think I do understand what she meant by “Sometimes you have to take your therapists feelings into consideration”, after talking to one of Kara’s supervisors. Kara never told them that she felt she couldn’t work with me, but her supervisor asked her a more probing question. Did Kara think some of the things going on with the transference issue could stand in the way of my treatment? I think she was asking if Kara thought my feelings for her were beginning to distract me too much and I wasn’t focusing on getting better. Kara’s answer was yes, it was possible. I think that’s what the doctor meant.

There were other misunderstandings between Kara’s supervisors and me, but once again asking questions have been crucial. After I was able to think more clearly, what happened began to make more sense. I’ve even reluctantly begun to admit to myself that their decision was the right one. (Sometimes it seems like I’m just trying to convince myself of that so it won’t hurt so much.)

Even the male therapist I had been seeing agreed that my feelings for Kara were getting in the way of me moving forward in treatment. Even though transference is necessary for a good therapeutic relationship, sometimes it can get in the way of the client’s treatment and it’s time for a change.

I don’t like change. It’s a hard thing for me to adjust to. I like things to stay as they are, even when a change would be more beneficial for me. Everyone involved in my treatment were just trying to do what was best for me.

As for having one final session for closure, now I really don’t think there’s a need for it. One of Kara’s supervisors asked me what I hoped to gain from a final session other than to say good-bye. The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t know what was to be gained. Since this has happened, I’ve talked to Kara twice very briefly on the phone. I told her bye and thanks for everything she done for me. She wished me the best. I told her what my sister had said about me getting better while working with her. I could tell she appreciated that.

Yesterday I talked to one of Kara’s supervisors and told her some of the different ways Kara had helped me and how my life was better because of it. I think in telling her this, it helped me have even more closure.

I asked the supervisor if she had seen the 1997 movie “Good Will Hunting” starring Matt Damon and Robin Williams. She replied that she had. In the movie, Damon plays a troubled young man who finally begins to get the help he needs from a psychologist played by Robin Williams. Along the way, something else begins to happen. The doctor not only helps his client, but his client begins to help him, too.

I told the supervisor that I really hoped that in some way Kara had gained something from working with me as I had from working with her. I’m really going to miss her. I think she’s had such an impact on my life that she’ll always be somewhere in my thoughts and heart.

Thanks for all you done, Kara! I’m going to miss you!

The Turning Points Of Life

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:41:00 +0000

“We stood at the turning point.”

The above quote is taken from the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter 5 called “How It Works. The first part of this chapter is read at the beginning of every AA meeting.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase a lot the past few days and how it applies to my life. In the Big Book, the phrase refers to the fact that alcoholics come to a point in their life where they have to choose whether they’re going to continue drinking or choose recovery.

Before I had my slip and drank again last October 3rd, I stood at a turning point. I had the choice of giving into my cravings or doing something like calling a friend or my therapist for support. I chose to drink.

Whether a person is an alcoholic or not, everyone stands at some kind of turning point every day. We all are faced with numerous decisions to make. When my dad died, I stood at a turning point. My entire world as I knew it changed in an instant. This change was completely out of my control, but yet there were decisions for me to make. How would I choose to handle his death so I could move on with my life?

Yesterday, I found myself at yet another turning point. I went to see my psychiatrist at the advice of my therapist, Kara. When I talked to her Saturday, I told her that I had been more depressed than usual and had even had some suicidal thoughts. When I seen the doctor yesterday, she didn’t even address the subject of my depression, much less my suicidal thinking. She informed me that it wasn’t in my best interest to continue seeing Kara and that I needed another therapist.

What was her reasoning behind this? For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with the issue of transference. That’s a very common occurrence in therapy when the client develops feelings for their therapist.

I’ve had a little trouble fully grasping the meaning of transference, but this definition from The Free Dictionary seems to make it more understandable: 1. The projection of attitudes, wishes, desires, libidinous and aggressive thoughts to another party, usually understood to mean to the psychoanalyst 2. An unconscious responsiveness that contributes to the Pt's confidence in a therapist and willingness to work cooperatively.

Since the first day I met Kara, I’ve been physically attracted to her. But when I met with her the first time after my slip, that’s when things began to change. During that session, she asked me some very probing questions. “What was I thinking before I drank?”, “What was I feeling?”, etc. Later that night, I noticed something was different when I thought about her. This emotional attraction I had begun to feel toward her was caused by the concern that she had for me. Yes, I realize that it was a professional concern, but I had an emotional need for it.

I think this is a part of a client/therapist relationship. As the above definition suggests, it’s even necessary to therapy. If the therapist is doing her job, and Kara was, she’s going to show concern for her client. And I needed that concern. I needed to know that she cared. I needed those probing questions. Therefore the emotional attachment. The transference occurred. How could it not?

Since this began, I’ve read numerous articles on it and talked to another therapist. He agreed with me that it was a good idea for me to work through it with Kara. (In fact, this same psychiatrist that took Kara off my case referred me to him.) I’ve talked to this male therapist several times about it and he’s always seemed to feel this way. I asked the doctor several times to consult with him before making her decision final. Each time she ignored me. She said sometimes you have to take the therapists feelings into consideration. Yes, I realize that. That’s why I’ve asked Kara more than once about her working with me and she’s never had a problem with it. I have yet to understand what feelings the doctor was really talking about.

The doctor also ignored the fact that therapeutic relationships aren’t supposed to just end like this. There should be at least one more session for closure. Perhaps in an odd way, that’s like a funeral when a loved one dies. You need that closure to help you grieve and begin the healing process.

After the appointment, I called Kara and discussed this with her. She had talked to her supervisor about my depression and suicidal ideation, but had said nothing about the transference issue. Yet, the doctor ignored my depression and totally focused on the other.

If a person has never been in therapy, they probably don’t understand the bond that a client experiences with his therapist. This bond is more than a physical attraction as I’ve tried to describe. I think in a way it’s kind of like the bond that occurs between two friends. They care for each other. It’s the therapist’s job to “care” for and help the client so he or she can get better and move on. Unlike friendship, this client/therapist bond isn’t meant to last a lifetime.

So it seems that once again, I “stand at the turning point”. It also appears to be totally out of my hands, but there are still choices for me to make. Such as: How will I choose to react to this situation? Will I choose to just give up and mope? No, I plan to take some kind of action. The doctor is wrong in the way she done this. As I said, I need some kind of closure. I have questions that I want answered.

In a way, I see this very similar to Daddy’s very sudden death. I don’t need this repeated less than three months later.

It Takes More Than Time To Heal A Wound

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:38:00 +0000

Some of my readers may have noticed that I like to include quotes in some of my posts. I also have some of my favorite quotes listed toward the bottom of my blog. In addition to collecting quotes, I also like to collect old sayings and when I can, find the original meaning behind them.

For instance:

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on, hence the phrase "Goodnight, sleep tight."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "Mind your P's and Q's."

When I was a child, one of my mother’s brothers asked me once if I had been “minding my P’s and Q’s.” I had no idea what he meant!

There’s another saying that I hear a lot. “Time heals all wounds.” Those sound like comforting words, especially in times of grief, but just think about that saying for a moment. Does time really heal all wounds?

Think about it like this. Suppose you go to the doctor with an infected sore on your arm. The doctor looks at it and says, “It’s nothing to worry about. Time heals all wounds.” Would you really put much confidence in that doctor? You know if left untreated your wound is going to get worse. Over time, the infection could even spread to other areas. You would want the doctor to prescribe an antibiotic to kill the infection. Then, over time the wound would heal.

This is just like emotional wounds, such as a divorce and the loss of a loved one. I don’t know about the “wounds” from a divorce, but I do know about the “wounds” from the loss of a loved one.

When Mother died, if I had taken the position that time heals all wounds, I might still be mourning Mother as if she had just passed away. But I didn’t. My sister and I were there for each other to share our grief and cry on each other’s shoulder. We both had friends that shared our grief and pain. Another way I dealt with my grief was writing about it. I wrote about Mother and I even wrote letters to Mother as a way to express and release feelings.

As we done these different things to help us cope, it’s like we were applying an antibiotic ointment to our “wound”. Just like the doctor applying a salve to an infected arm. Then, with time, we began to heal. I’m not saying we’re totally healed over Mother’s death. I still have guilt and regret, but because of the salve that was applied it’s better.

It takes both time and some kind of treatment to help us cope and get back to some semblance of being normal.

I think because my relationship with my dad was so different, it’s going to take even more time to properly heal from his death. If I’m honest with myself, I haven’t even properly applied the healing salve to the “wound” of his death.

It also takes willingness to do it to recover from something like the death of a loved one. It’s been almost three months since daddy’s death and I’m just not willing to properly begin the healing process. One reason is because of the guilt I feel. I told my therapist that I’m afraid of what I’ll discover if I journal my thoughts and feelings about Daddy, but until I’m willing to explore his death and how it effects me, I can’t truly begin to heal.

Having Fun Without Drinking

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:23:00 +0000

I received my 3rd month AA chip last night. Monday was 3 months since I had a drink. Three months without having to suffer an emotional hangover with all the guilt. Last night during the meeting, I found myself once again thinking what if I hadn't drank. I would have almost two years. As I said before, sometimes "what if" thinking can be dangerous for addicts. It can lead to regrets and that can lead to another slip. Time to change my thinking!

I owe a lot of my success of not drinking to my friends in AA. Especially Calvin. There's hardly a day that goes by without him calling to check on me. He's always willing to help any way he can.

You ever wonder how a bunch of alcoholics can have fun on New Year's Eve without getting drunk? They get together and play cards for five hours! That's what several of us done that night at Calvin and Sherri's house. Just a friendly game of cards with low stakes. We had lots of fun!

Some Thoughts on Taking Life Too Seriously

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 17:32:00 +0000

Quite often it seems that I get so wrapped up in the details of something that I lose sight of what I'm really supposed to be doing. Take writing this post for instance. I am using Microsoft Word 2007 to write it and I'm completely new to the program. It's a lot different than the old one I was used to. So instead of focusing on getting this wrote, I get lost in trying to figure what all of this new stuff is about.

Another thing that hinders my writing is I get so involved in trying to make it just right. I spend too much time trying to research material for what I'm trying to write. After becoming so bogged down in searching through numerous websites, I can't focus on the real purpose of writing the post.

As the old saying goes "I can't see the forest for the trees". If someone can't see the [forest] for the trees, they are unable to understand what is important in a situation because they are giving too much attention to details . It's like a person walking in the woods and becoming so involved in specific facts that he fails to notice the beauty around him.

I do become much too worried about details to enjoy life sometimes. Oh yeah, I've been accused of taking life way too seriously.

I also take life much too literally at lot of times and my expectations can be too high of people and things. This can lead to a lot of problems because the higher the expectations, the more the hurt and disappointment when plans fall apart.

There was a time when I definitely was going to take a bike ride to my uncle's house that lived about 40 miles away. At least that was my plans and I didn't intend to let anything or anyone stop me. I trained hard, riding at every opportunity that I had. I constantly planned for the trip, determined to find the best way for me to carry the food, water, emergency supplies and other necessities I would need.

But as happens so often in life, things just don't turn out the way you expect them to. It seemed like a multitude of problems kept coming up. If it wasn't something wrong with my bike, then the weather wasn't cooperating.

Eventually, the perfect weekend came. All the problems with my bike seemed to be under control and the weather was wonderful. Not a cloud in the sky. A perfect day. I called my uncle's house and my cousin answered the phone. She said they would be glad for me to ride up that afternoon and spend the night. My plan was to leave the next morning. You can imagine the natural high I was beginning to get when those, what I call "feel good" chemicals, started to flood through my brain. I was finally going to make my long awaited trip. I had said nothing was going to stop me!

Then the next words my cousin told me was one of the loudest wake up calls I've ever had. At times I can still experience the emotions and dread that came next. She said her youngest daughter had the chicken pox. And since I'd never had it before, it was strongly recommended that I not be around her. I was told I was at risk of being sicker than she was.

Suddenly, it felt like my whole world was falling apart, it was just crumbling around me and there was nowhere left to stand. There was nothing I could do. It was entirely out of my control. Everything I had hoped and planned for was gone. This might sound funny now, but at the time this was a major crisis in my life.

Someone once said, “Hope for the best, but expect the worst.” I wish I could come up with a more positive saying, but this one is balanced. In life, every situation won’t turn out like you want it to. My mamaw used to say, “You have to take the bitter with the sweets.” Mamaw knew life wasn’t always fair. How fair can it be when you get Alzheimer’s and you gradually start forgetting the people you love?

The disappointments I’ve had so far in life, including the failed bike ride and hundreds more, are nothing compared to the disappointments a person has with Alzheimer’s.

That failed bike ride wasn't the end of the world. I did eventually take a ride very similar. It just didn't turn out like I had originally planned it. Besides that I've taken a lot of other enjoyable bike rides.

If I hadn't been so obsessed with things turning out just right, I could've enjoyed all the riding I done in preparation for that trip. But I just couldn't "see the forest for the trees." I wonder if the sweet parts of life would taste as good if we didn’t have to take the bitter parts with it? Would the blue sky be so beautiful without the dark thunderheads looming above?

The following quote was taken from a book that I read a while back. The author describes pretty much how I've felt during these periods of high expectations or hopes.

“He had hoped again. It felt good. Exhilarating. Of course that was why hope was dangerous. The glorious lifting up, the sweet sense of soaring, always too brief, and then the terrible fall that was more devastating because of the sublime heights from which it began.

“But maybe it was worse never to hope at all.
“He was filled with wonder and quickening expectations.
“He was scared, too.” ~ Dean Koontz “Sole Survivor”

I believe the author is right, “But maybe it was worse never to hope at all.” There has to be hope doesn’t there? If there’s no kind of hope at all where is the enjoyment in life? Where is the reason for living?

After weeks or months of being afraid to even hope to ride my bike, I finally began to look forward to it again. But I was fearful to become too excited about it. The big letdown was still too fresh in my mind. “…and then the terrible fall that was more devastating because of the sublime heights from which it began.” Believe me, this fall is terrible and it’s a deep emotional hurt.

Someone once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I’m using the word “love” in a general sense here. The love of riding a bike, the love of a hobby, the love between a man and a woman.

Sometimes I wonder about that when there is the pain of expectations gone wrong. I wish sometimes these memories could be wiped from my mind, just like the experience never happened. When I think of this, I’m reminded of an episode of the original Star Trek series. Captain Kirk fell in love with a woman when he touched her tears. When the tears entered his system, Kirk was helplessly lost. Until his best friend Spock placed his fingers on the side of Kirk’s face while he slept and whispered “forget”.

But wasn’t that a loss for Kirk? If the memories are erased, not only the pain would be gone, but also the pleasurable moments as well. Would it ultimately be beneficial to forget the pain of a lost love? To forget the pain means forgetting what went wrong. Forgetting what went wrong means never learning a lesson from the mistakes that were made. And that means repeating the same mistakes over.

Wouldn’t it be better to keep the memories and learn from them? I think the greater the pain a person experiences, the bigger the impact of a lesson learned. You’re more likely to remember it later and apply what you learned to your situation in the present. If you find yourself in similar circumstances you’ll be able to look back and see a clearer picture of what you done wrong in the past and hopefully change the outcome of what’s happening now. Where you failed in one situation, you have the possibility to succeed in a similar one.

Mistakes and failures can be looked upon as a mentor who helps teach you life’s lessons. Perhaps we shouldn’t fear failure as much as we do. I don’t mean we should purposely fail, but accept them as lessons to learn.

Facing The New Year With Apprehension... And Reason To Be More Grateful

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 14:01:00 +0000

I always approach the New Year with apprehension. The reason for this fear comes from wondering about the future and what it holds. For me, thinking about the unknown can be scary.

Without much doubt, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Just think about the millions of dollars of anti-anxiety medicine that's sold each year and the untold number of hours that people spend with their therapists. Not to mention all the alcohol and illegal and prescription drugs that are abused by people trying to escape their fear.

The problem with trying to escape the fears of the unknown future with drugs and alcohol is that it does nothing to help you deal with any of it. When you sober up, those problems are still there and are probably much worse because of the self-medication. In fact, for the addict/alcoholic the reason for fearing the future in the first place is made more real.

The movie "It's A Wonderful Life" comes to mind while I think about this. In that movie, George Baily got to see what life would've been like if he had never been born. I like to play what if a lot. One "what if" is: What if I had been drunk the day my dad had died? What if I had been unable to talk to him several times on the phone that day? What if I had been drunk when the nurse told me he had no vital signs? In fact, if I had been drunk, I never would've answered my phone to begin with. If it bothers me now that I didn't have the chance to be with him when he died, how much more would it be bothering me if I had been unable to be at the hospital with my sister when the doctor pronounced him dead?

I could play this out further. What if I didn't have the memories of talking to him on the phone? Or worse yet, what if I had answered the phone one of those times when he called and I was drunk? That happened several years ago when Mother was still living and I remember how upset my dad got and how it broke my mother's heart.

If I had been drunk that day, not only would I really have had a reason to regret the past, I would fear the future more than I already do. Every time someone close to me dies, I realize how short my own life is. I would have more reason to fear the consequences of continuing in my addiction.

This pretending what if can sometimes be the cause of unnecessary fear and anxiety. On the other hand, it can sometimes be the cause of looking at life a little differently and being more grateful.

Contemplating Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 03:59:00 +0000

There’s only a little over two hours left until Christmas and I’ve been contemplating how I’ll be spending it. I had great hopes of being with my sister tomorrow, but I don’t know how that’s going to work out.

She’s just not in the “Christmas Spirit” since Daddy died and I can understand that. To be honest, my Christmas Spirit has been lacking today.

Right now, I do see a little more brightness for tomorrow. Earlier, my friends Calvin and Sherri invited me to spend Christmas with them. At first, I rejected the thought. I would feel really uncomfortable intruding on their family tradition. But the alternative is spending it alone and I like that even less.

Since Calvin cares enough to invite me, that’s where I’ll be. Unless… Hopefully my sister will change her mind. I know Mother and Daddy wouldn't want us to be alone.

Still Struggling With Worry Over Daddy's Death

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 01:14:00 +0000

In my December 12th post "The Consequences Of Not Properly Coping With My Anger", I mentioned that my therapist Kara had pointed out that my dad didn't have control over his death and I had begun to realize that I had no reason to be mad at him.

While I was writing that, another thought occurred to me and I've still been thinking about it. I've heard about people dying just because they give up on living for one reason or another. Daddy had suffered from chronic back pain for years and it seemed, especially closer to the end of his life, not much was helping it. Did Daddy die because he was tired of living with his pain?

According to one website "Depression may play a part in premature death due to other causes, such as heart disease." Certainly Daddy's back pain caused him to be depressed a lot. That, coupled with his diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder would really aggravate his problems.

Daddy definitely worried a lot about other things. He continually worried about having enough money despite the fact the nursing home was taking care of all his needs. I keep thinking about what I said earlier about getting mad at him. I did give him a lot of grief. Maybe he never really got over that. Another log added to the fire of worry.

Does it really make sense that Daddy died because he just gave up? The coroner said he had hardening of the arteries around his intestines that caused his death. How could he have control over that? Could depression have played some part in that?

Now that I've thought of this, the O.C.D is going to gnaw at me. Yeah, I know someone would tell me " Try not to worry - there's nothing you can do to change the situation." Hearing that never helps. It just makes me angry and adds more worry.

Those Illogical Human Emotions

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:21:00 +0000

According to Vulcan philosophy, emotions can't be explained by logic ~ memory-alpha.org

I’ve been a fan of Star Trek since my teen years. Recently I was watching the move “Star Trek: Generations”, the one where Captain Picard seeks the help of a supposedly dead Captain Kirk to stop Dr. Soran from destroying a star system so he can enter the Nexus, a mysterious energy ribbon.

One of the storylines takes up where the series left off about Lt. Commander Data's endeavor to become more human. As usual, when Data makes an attempt to tell a joke, nobody except him finds it funny. So, when Dr. Crusher encourages Data to get into the spirit of things at the celebration for Worf's promotion, he shoves her into the ocean. When no one is amused, especially Dr. Crusher, Data decides it's time to give his emotion chip a try.

Much to his delight, Data can experience genuine emotions. However, it's not long before things go terribly wrong because he is unable to control them. On a mission with his best friend Geordi La Forge they come under attack and the once rational and logical Data is curled up in a corner whimpering in fear.

Later, back aboard the Enterprise, Data begs Picard to deactivate him until the chip can be removed. Picard refuses, telling Data that learning to control emotions is part of being human.

Despite the fact of what Spock often said of his race the Vulcans, they do have emotions. In one episode of Star Trek: Voyager, Tuvok explains that Vulcans' natural emotions are "erratic and volatile"; if Vulcans do not strongly repress emotions, they can get violently angry in an instant.

Learning to control and deal with emotions is a lesson I keep having problems with. Many times I've wished that I could just deactivate my emotions and not feel anything. At times I have really envied Mr. Spock and Data, but emotions are part of what makes us human and as Picard told Data, we have to learn to live with and control them.

If a person was truly unemotional, how could he relate to anyone? How could he care about anything? Where would be the joy of falling in love? The delight in seeing a baby's smile? How could we find pleasure in watching children grow up? How could we even care about them?

As Captain Kirk said in Star Trek V, "Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves! I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!!"

Thanks Captain Kirk for that lesson in those illogical human emotions!

Different Relationships; Different Emotions And Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (LoneWolf) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:45:00 +0000

I have cried an untold of amount of tears over the loss of my mother. Just the other day I was downloading some of her favorite Southern Gospel music and a flood of emotions washed over me. I haven’t cried like that for her in quite some time.

As I was experiencing these strong feelings for her, I noticed something else. It seemed like I was grieving more for Mother than I was for Daddy. It just felt different. Last night, I began thinking again about the differences in the relationships that I had with each one.

Mother was passive, tender, sensitive and a worrier. Daddy was aggressive, domineering and sensitive in a way that was different from Mother. What I mean is, is if someone done or said something he didn’t like, he would want to get back at them. At least he was like this earlier in life when Mother was still living. Actually, Daddy would go through phases. Sometimes he was like this and sometimes not. Even living in the nursing home he would have these spells.

As I’ve mentioned before, Daddy suffered from Bipolar Disorder. But does that give a person an excuse to physically and verbally abuse people? Well, maybe an excuse but not a right. Should I look at it like there were times in his life when he couldn’t help it? Such as when we were children?

My sister and I looked at this differently. At least for a while. I seen it as something that I deserved, but later I began to think about it in a different way.

Apparently, later in life, Daddy didn’t think we deserved it either. He cried a lot over it and asked our forgiveness. I said I forgave him, but deep down I don’t think I did. I know at least one time I just spoke the words without any meaning. They just seemed the right thing to say given the frame of mind he was in. Now that he’s gone, sometimes it seems like it’s easier to forgive him. It would be better if I could forgive him now. It would help me cope with and heal from the grief.

To me, that seems selfish. Just wanting to forgive Daddy for my benefit. As I write this, I’m struggling with my emotions and thoughts.

I don’t even know if I truly loved my parents. At the end of every visit to their house, I would hug Mother bye and kiss her. She would always say, “I love you.” I would just turn away and walk out the door. I know this sounds like I was cold and perhaps I was, but telling Mother that I loved her would feel like a lie.

I believe “love” is more than an emotion. It’s more than just a “warm, fuzzy feeling” you have toward someone. As the country singer Clint Black says, “Love isn’t something that we are, it’s something that we do”. I believe when you love someone, you give part of yourself to that person. I’m not talking just about romantic love. I’m also talking about giving yourself to or doing things for your parents, siblings, friends or even complete strangers.
When I done things for my parents, it wasn’t out of love. It was more out of duty or because I felt I had to do it. A large part of the time when Mother would ask me to do something, I would raise h*ll about it. What grief I gave her!

Later, I did start tell Mother that I loved her. Once again, this was more out of duty. I began asking myself, “What if something happened to one of us and I didn’t tell Mother that I loved her?”

After Mother died, Daddy’s personality seemed to change somewhat. Especially after he went in the nursing home, there were times when he became passive and more dependent. More like Mother was. I would lose my temper with him. The only good thing that I can think of now is that somehow I learned to be more patient with him.

Right now, my heart cries out in opposition to what I done back then.

I know there are people, such as my mother, who would disagree with what I’ve said about not loving my parents. But this is just the way I personally see it.