Muted Lunacy

A message to family and those who “care about” me

Mina — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 11:47:42 +0000

You know…those people who are supposed to be there for you, to help you when you need it most. Well when you all decide to bash me for my attitude, I say this to you:

I’ve got a word of thanks
Thanks that I’d like to say
For the rage that I feel
For the rage that I feel today
Gotta stack gotta stack
Stack of chips on my shoulder
In everything I do
Cause I made I made I made
The mistake the mistake of trusting you
People like you just fuel my fire
People like you just fuel
Yeah my layers are thick
And I got a bad attitude
Yeah that knife in my back
Has fingerprints that belong to you
Gotta grudge gotta grudge gotta grudge
That I’m holding for you
As long as I live
Cause you lied you lied you lied
To my face and that’s something that I can’t forgive
You liar
People like you just fuel my fire
People like you just fuel, yeah

Fuel My Fire by L7

Life in the Wild West

Mina — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:35:43 +0000

One of the things I dislike about living out in the open desert is the wind. You don’t usually get gentle breezes out here, you get sustained gale force winds. Usually it doesn’t do more than continually blow the over abundance of dirt into your house but every once in a while it gets destructive. We had a fairly nice tree in our front yard that yesterday fell victim to the wonderful desert wind. It was finally getting to the point where it was offering a bit of shade and privacy and now that’s gone. I’m really sad about this. And now we have to find someone who can come and cut that part up and haul it away, and for a decent price.

May 2009

Mina — Mon, 11 May 2009 10:30:54 +0000

Sunday May 10, 2009 - 10:49am - 5:05pm = 6 hours and 16 minutes. Yeah that’s a lot but it needs to be I guess since I probably won’t get anymore time for a year. The sad part is that I don’t know how to enjoy it anymore. I spent most of that precious time dozing off in my chair as I’ve normally been doing. Oh well, I guess I should stop being a petty little bitch for thinking that I’m as important as everyone else. I suck and there’s no point to me.

Hello

Mina — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 04:17:36 +0000

I know it’s been more than a month since I’ve posted anything. I didn’t have anything good to say and way to much bad stuff to say so I just didn’t say anything. But now I’m here so…

Things of course have gotten worse. My thoughts and feelings are really beyond my control these days. My anger is constant and just below the surface and I’m having a very hard time keeing it there. It started showing itself a bit more than I’d like at work and that’s been causing me much trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut like a good little girl but the things my mind is coming up with are frightening. Frightening in the fact that I like it not that I fear it. I revel in the visions of all the stupid motherfuckers I come across in everyday life and in the street all mutilated and bloody, knowing they are that way because I made them that way. I hurt THEM. I find that calming…Is that wrong?

Unfortunately that calm feeling only lasts a little while then the need to actually make those visions reality takes over. Of course I don’t act on it, at least not with them but I want to so badly. Ah well bitching and moaning never got me anything good so I guess I should turn over a new leaf, yeah? Stop and smell the roses maybe…NOT! No one gives me a break, no one thinks about me at all so I don’t feel the need to extend that courtesy to them and I won’t anymore. I’ll put me first and I’ll do for me. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and their selfishness. Whatever will they all do when I’m no longer around to be the whipping boy. To be the one who takes the shit and gets the short end of the stick so they can all feel good about themselves. I won’t do them that favor forever but they don’t even give a thought to the fact that I just might have my limits and that I have reached said limit and will take whatever steps I need to to put a stop to it. And there won’t be a fucking thing they can do to stop me. They have no control over that, that is mine alone.

And the icing on the cake? I got me a fucking cold. Life sucks then you die…sometimes just not soon enough.

See…it’s not just me

Mina — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:44:44 +0000

I’m not the only one miserable in this desert hellhole. An article in BusinessWeek has listed my city as the 18th Unhappiest City in America. And I believe it, this is one nasty place.

Overall rank: 18
Depression rank: 24
Suicide rank: 3
Crime (property and violent) rank: 27
Divorce rate rank: 10
Unemployment rate (December 2008 - higher now): 6.9%

February 2009

Mina — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 09:06:47 +0000

I was going to keep the logs going for 2009 but realized that further posts for this year would be redundant. There isn’t going to be anymore “Alone Time” for me. If by some odd chance there is then I’ll post it but otherwise why bother wasting the time, energy or bandwidth.

January 2009

Mina — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:11:03 +0000

Well, starting the year of right here…NOT. I didn’t get 1 second of alone time at all this month. This does not bode well for the rest of the year.

Homesick

Mina — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 11:43:44 +0000

So I have been out in this barren desert hellhole for six years now and still cannot adjust to the life here. The people, the way of life, the products, the attitudes, the landscape…the general atmosphere is not something I’m able to accept and live with. It’s just not ME. I hate it here with every fiber of my being and do so more and more each day.

Over the past several months I have started dreaming at night of being back east. Every night I find myself back there driving around all the familiar places and revisiting all that I love, feeling safe and comfortable and at home. And it’s all so vivid in my dreams. I can smell the place…in my dreams. When I wake up and realize where I am I cry. This place is just very unfriendly and hostile to me. And yes, I did give it a fair chance when I first got here but IT’S JUST NOT FOR ME. All the bad feelings that are inherent to my personality are magnified now and getting stronger every day. And my control over myself is almost gone and that scares me. I need to be able to hold on until I can escape this nightmare place, it would just help some if I knew WHEN that escape might be possible. It’s the fear that I might be stuck here forever that truly frightens me. I can tell you one thing for sure…if I am indeed stuck here forever then forever will be very short, I’ll see to that, guaranteed.

It just seems as if everything out here is dead. The landscape is brown and dirty, whereas back east you go outside and you see green and life. I just pray that one day I’ll be able to go back.

“Alone Time” Total For 2008

Mina — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 11:19:29 +0000

And out of the 8,760 hours that are in the year 2008 I had an accumulated total of 15 hours and 35 minutes to myself. That is fucking shameful.

Looking back on 2008

Mina — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 13:36:42 +0000

I know this is a week or so early but I thought I would take a look back on the past year. To be honest, most of 2008 is NOT something I want to remember. It was the year that I finally accepted some hard truths about my family and myself.

But there were a few goods parts too. Yeah, I’m as amazed as anyone about that. In the beginning of the year I started a new pastime that I really think I could enjoy especially if family wasn’t interfering (yep, there’s that bad stuff again!). I’ll explain. I started creating stained glass stuff. I could really get into this as it’s an incredible feeling to watch something come to life and know that it’s because *I* made it happen. Now for the bad part…Mom insisted that I pursue this hobby out in the garage. I would have setup my workstation in the house like a real person would but having to listen to Mom go on and on about it was too much to deal with, so I setup in the garage. It’s not that that is a totally bad place to do something like this but it means that here in the boiling pit of hell that I live in I can’t work on anything in the summer months (which out here is about 6 months long)…it’s just too fucking hot. And there is also the thing about Mom starting her usual panic rant about money anytime I say I want to buy more glass. So yeah, that shit does take some of the passion out of things. But in the short time that I was able to work on stained glass I created something that I am really proud of (see image on right). This is something I hope to continue with.

The second good thing came out of having to take a break from the the first good thing - the stained glass stuff. Since I couldn’t work on the stained glass during the summer months, in August I started creating themes for Wordpress to be distributed publicly thru my new site The Cloisters. Much to my pleasure and surprise, my themes are fairly successful. And it really is a great feeling when someone likes something that I had an incredible amount of fun creating. It’s awesome! So check out the site and maybe download one of my themes - I offer pretty decent support too!

The third good thing was getting to go back east for a week in June. I swear the minute the plane landed back there I felt I was home. That’s a feeling I haven’t had since I came out here to this desert wasteland. I do have some pictures that I took and will eventually get up on this site. And since I already wrote about the trip in the post Back Home Again, I won’t repeat things here.

I think maybe I’ll stop here and try, for once, to keep things light and end this hellish year on a positive note. So Happy Holidays to everyone and here’s hoping 2009 will bring some good changes.