Mutiny on the Cardboard Sea

I'm Having another 80's phase: Duran Style

2011-01-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I'm having another 80's phase triggered by (yet another) Bret Easton Ellis novel.

While I found Imperial Bedrooms to be a less than equal sequel to the book Less Than Zero, I found myself drawn to the musical tie-ins that are typical of Ellis' novels.

Ellis uses musical references wherever possible to give his novels a sound... it really helps the reader get the mood of the scene... also helps keep the period-feeling (80's) intact.

So this week the song that I can't get out of my head is "Hungry Like the Wolf" yeah! after years of complete ignorance it took a novel to get me into Duran Duran.

You can watch and love the video HERE

The Life and Times of a Job Hunter: Let's Resign

2011-01-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

If you're part of the jobless masses, you can just skip this tid-bit of information.

The time came for me to think about resigning from my current job... It took me all of 2 hours to make this decision. The question that jumped all around in my mind was: How the hell do you resign.

Let me break it down for you... My current job SUCKS BALLS. I can't tell if it's my personal frustration with working there for such a long long long long long long time, OR the fact that the place just sucks ass. I debate this every day.

Banging your head against a wall until you lose 2.54 brain-cells is more productive than a day at my current job.

I had two options for resigning from this place:

1. Turn my silent scream into an actual scream sprinkled with the most colorful words from any language uttered in the history of the world

2. Leave in a classy way with a letter an such.

...

I chose to resign with a letter (instead of walking out the door after the next in a series of aggravating incidents) However I am going to make a confession so lean in real close...

I googled resignation letter
Then I replaced the information with my own

The point: I don't have enough respect for a place that clearly doesn't give a shit about me, to use the neurons involved to create a pretty letter full of lies (i.e. "it is with regret")

SNOW: my tribute (b/c eventually you will lose your mind)

2011-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

East Coast NIGHTMARE

As I look out the window
at my snow-buried car...
at at the nightmare-ish, 2 foot thick white blanket that continues to suffocate my everything... I realize that I'm on the verge of a major nervous breakdown which perpetuated by EVERY F*CKING FLAKE. and I can't get to starbucks!!!

So I found this video from the movie White Christmas (of 4 idiots singing about the bane of my existence)
On any other day I would say this song is cute! but when I start to think about the shoveling that I'm only halfway through this song without a doubt makes me want to cry out in despair.

Watch HERE (and keep in mind that "Snow" is also a metaphor for Cocaine... oh it makes the song so much more entertaining)

Lyrics from this song to take note of:

"Snow I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow"

(personally at this point I'd rather wash in a vat of frying grease)

"Oh, to see a great big man entirely made of snow"

(I vow to murder any and all Snowmen, Snow Women, and any of their children)

Review: Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

2010-11-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

Katy Perry's New Video: FireWork (a call to jihad)

2010-11-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well Katy Perry has released yet another video from the album Teenage Dream, for a song called Firework. I like the song! I think it's got a great sound and it carries the "message" in a way that minimizes the cheesy factor.

This is a love letter to an insecure generation with very little direction.

It takes balls to pull off this type of song. Alot of songs like this are slow droning suicide anthems.

Unfortunately Katy Perry suffers from lack of direction and lack of imagination in her most recent videos. It's just a little dry. She's Fishing for GRAMMY nominations!!!!!

What happens in the video you ask?

Katy Perry walks across a veranda to the edge and looks like she wants to jump, she's dressed in what is obviously a left over "Bride of Henry VIII" costume from the BBC bargain bin.
Her boobies shoot out fireworks!! as cut-scenes show the standard "kids growing up in insecurity" ... oh come on! you rememeber; little girl crying cause her parents are fighting, boy with cancer (it's typical!)
Every one in town gathers to dance around Katy, while she illuminates the night with her magical firework boobs!
I think her look for this video was a mix of; "I have the plague", and "I'm a vampire" ...dash of glitter.

...

Watch the Video HERE

I (KJR) Do: Willow Smith Spoof (Big Ears!)

2010-10-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Watch me Spoof Willow Smith (With ears!!!) oh come on! you know that child has big ears!

It's 20 years later, when Willow ends up selling Neck Narcotics in a late night television commercial.

... Watch the commercial
Here appreciate it for its subtle humor and side effects (cause they go on and on and on)

A Simple Conversation (old lady fight edition)

2010-10-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation I overheard between two women that are 90 or pretty damn close to being 90 years old...

Woman 1: Shut the hell up you bitch!

Woman 2: I'm gunna put you in a basement somewhere!!

Woman 1: I'm gunna take you home and knife you!!!!!!

...

An after-thought; how gully is the phrase "Knife you"?!?!? I just added that to my vocab... it will be well used.

I (KJR) Do: Whip My Hair by Willow Smith

2010-10-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited to show you something really interesting it's a video on
FUNNYCRAZYSHIT.com

It features me KJR ... and I'm performing as Willow Smith

in her video... "WHIP MY HAIR"

I really do like this song, so I hope no one thinks that I'm seriously bashing it.

My neck still hurts a little (and my knees and my calves) and sometimes when I stand up fast, I fall over and have seizures... just kidding!

I now have a shit-ton of respect for that child, because I'm pretty sure you have to be 10 years-old to keep that up for any decent amount of time!

Watch The Video HERE

Rihanna: Only Girl... or a KY commercial

2010-10-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD... A PSA for Orgasms and ecstasy!
Or a reinterpretation of "Your love is my drug"

So In case you haven't heard... Rihanna wants me to kidnap her and bury her in the desert... well that's she told me with her eyes during the video.

Damn Rihanna! Ke$ha did this video already! Remember? She ran away into the desert and did acid? All you did was run away to the desert, do ecstasy and touch yourself; Both sound fun so who really cares!

A few things to take note of in this video:

1. (1:02) The wild and crazy orgasm... on the rose bush wall... in the outfit she bought at the clueless memorabilia sale. What?! you've never backed it up on a wall in your knee socks before?!? You are missing out!

2. Can we please give a little recognition to the choreography and costume styling talent of Helen Keller

3. (1:2o) The hysterical laughing fit Riri bursts into after skipping through the field of poppy's

4. (2:10) I-ran-away-from-the-circus-Sheik

...
Video HERE

Sesame Street does "Whip My Hair"

2010-10-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

What do we call this one people?!?!? Sesame Street does Whip My Hair.

So someone has decided to sink a Sesame Street video with Willow Smith's Hair Whipping Anthem!

I can't tell if it's funny that Willow smith looks like the puppet, or if the idea is just ridiculous.

Either way: Whether it's Willow Smith OR Sesame Street... I'm feeling it

Watch the video HERE

Willow Smith ... Whip My Hair

2010-10-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

First thing I have to say... God help this little girl and her poor neck! Your body is just not meant to do that for long amounts of time. She's going to be doing TYLENOL commercials soon.

Second thing; Keri Hilson... You have been replaced!

Just watch the video people: it's fun, young , energetic... the girl has some serious chari$ma...

and that little step/clap routine in the bridge just solidifies this child's hair whipping abilities!

Favorite Lyric:
"I'ma get more shine than a little bit
Soon as i hit the stage applause im hearing it
whether its black stars black cars im feeling it"

Secret Menu Items Part II

2010-10-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Jamba Juice has a laundry list (and then some) of smoothies that have been deemed unhealthy but delicious; calorie content and misleading about health benefits seem to be the top reasons.

The Staff is not allowed to offer the discontinued or secret flavors...that right folks... these are by request only.

"Employees have the recipes to all of these but are not allowed to answer questions about them. "

So if you love you some Jamba... (it's good hangover slop) here is the list of

FORBIDDEN Drinks (ohhh)
and highlight my favorite two: Hello Jesus and Dirty Orgasm

Blue Gummi Bear
Chocolate Gummi Bear
Green Gummi Bear
Pink Gummi Bear
Red Gummi Bear
White Gummi Bear
Andres' Surprise
Apple Pie
Berry Depressing
Blue-Topia
Butterfingers
Chocolate covered Strawberries
Dirty Orgasm
Fruity Pebbles
White Fruity Pebbles
Pink Fruity Pebbles
Hello Jesus
Reese pieces
San Diego
Skittles
Sourpatch Kid
Starburst [aka Pink Star]
Lemonade Lightnin'
Strawberries Dreamin'
Strawberries Lightnin'
Strawberry Shortcake
Sunny Delight
Thank You Jesus
Tootsie Roll
Tropical Tango
Melonade wave
Now and Later
Orange Dream Machine
Pacific Passion
Peanut Butter and Jelly
Penis Shooter
Pineapple Dreamin'
Rainbow Sherbert
Raspberry Dreamin'

P!NK ... Raise Your Glass

2010-10-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

There's a little rock star that lives in all of us... And Pink makes anthems for that little rocker.

So pink is releasing a greatest hits album entitled: Greatest Hits...So far
Raise your glass is a new song that will accompany the set.
It's nice little ditty... typical pink: Party, I'm bad-ass, Let's get rowdy

I've heard this song played across 3 station simultaneously... For now it's ok, but it will soon suffer from OVERKILL!

Listen HERE or below!

...

CHOICE LYRICS:

Party crasher, penny snatcher
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don’t be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?
So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won’t you come on and come on and raise your glass
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

The Secret (Unlisted) Menu Items Pt 1 Starbucks

2010-10-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

I want to share with you a few secret menu items... which in reality is a list of items from Starbucks AKA Coffee paradise!

For a while I've been making up drinks at Starbucks and once in a while the Barista will scoff at me and make a snooty little face, while saying; "There is a name for that, and it's _______"

And I usually respond by rolling my eyes thinking, "if yallz listed that name on the menu I would order it by name, but thank you anyhow. I am no aware of my lifestyle luxury error" (and now I'm slightly embarassed by the implication of class-less-ness)

anyhow... I had to do a little googling to find that there are way more unlisted menu items than I would imagine, and many of them are cheeper than the listed items. Thanks Starbucks for taking all my money!!! and I do mean ALL MY MONEY!

So people, your mission is clear... below please find a list of Secret Starbucks Confectionary Delights! and use them to piss off your local moody Barista! Oh and after you save that $10, continue with the savings by not tipping! Whoohoo

***oh and don't forget to save your reciept from your morning drink so you can get a drink later for $2! ***

...

Here are all of the Starbucks "Off Menu" items available:

Biscotti Frapuccino:
Buy a biscotti and ask the barista to blend it up with any flavor of frapuccino. It blends into tiny cookie chunks that add a delicious little crunch to your frozen coffee.

Short Drink:
The sizes the “mainstream menu” gives you are “Tall,” “Grande” and “Venti,” but if you say you want the “short” size to any Starbucks drink you can receive a less expensive and smaller sized drink. Although this size is in their cash register, they don’t put it on the menu as a marketing strategy to make customers buy larger and more expensive drinks.

Short cappuccino:
A “Short” cappuccino is a more Italian style cappuccino. Basically this cappuccino leaves out the gallons of milk Starbucks puts in for the more traditional amount of dairy that the drink originated with.

Red Eye:
A shot of espresso in regular drip coffee.

Black Eye:
Two shots of espresso in regular drip coffee.

Green Eye:
Three shots of espresso in regular drip coffee. Not for anyone with a heart condition or road rage issues.

Poor Man’s Latte:
Order an Iced Americano with no water and half ice, then you can add free half and half at the little milk and condiments table. This is the same drink as a Breve Latte but costs much less. Just watch out for the classy police. This is definitely not the most chic thing to be caught doing by your mother-in-law or boss.

Poor Man’s Chai Latte:
Order a Chai Tea Misto with extra foam, two tea bags, and half cinnamon-half vanilla syrup. This is basically the same drink but almost half the price.

Cafe au Lait:
If your French and looking for something nostalgic of your homeland order the Misto without foam for a classic French coffee drink.

French pressed coffee:
You can choose any coffee they sell by the bag and have it served in a French press. For coffee snobs, this is one of the best way to appreciate all of the flavors of the coffee you chose.

Chocolate Cream Frapuccino:
Chocolate syrup and chocolate flavoring. Lots and Lots of chocolate! Do not underestimate the amount of chocolate in this frozen blended coffee. Only for the true chocolate lover die hard.

About My Most Recent Blog Hiatus

2010-10-18T09:00:00.001-07:00

So I recently took time off to take my job-hunt to the next level.
If you read regularly than you know I've been obsessed with finding a New Shinny job!

Well I felt that it was time to return to blogging which I enjoy greatly!

I'll give you the job update later... In the meantime... I'M BACK! :)

Yankees State of Mind; Mixed a song... like to hear it?

2010-09-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Mixed a song... like to hear it? Here it goes!!

Yankees State of Mind. Hmmm what can I say? It's a cleverly written take on a song that was used to represent New York and the Yankees in 2009 (Empire State of Mind - By Jay-Z featuring the vocal screeches of Alicia Keys). This song is just about a Kid growing into a mature Yankees enthusiast! and the different aspects of the team that he has watched over the years.

*You can check out the website that hosts the video HERE it features a few more videos by the creators... much more to come in the near future.

About a Recent Project

2010-09-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

I recently got to work on a project that was really different than what I'm used to.
I got the chance to engineer a song for someone;
OK so for those of you who don't realize, this takes hours of work and concentration.

The challenge was in replicating a song that is pretty popular.
So the key was to actually take note of what was happening in the original and bring the remake up to the same sound-standard.

I learned alot working on this project...mainly how to get a great vocal performance out of the people I worked with. It made me think... I'm going to do quite a bit more engineering in the future.

I'm really happy that I will be able to share it at some point this week.

So... I look forward to sharing and talking about this song.

Rx... Pot-Infused Ice Cream! ... CremeDeCanna

2010-09-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

So apparently this Company in Northern California; CreamDeCanna, has decided to make Medicinal Marijuana Ice Cream.

$15 per half pint... there are two to four doses of cannabis for each half pint...that's enough to get you pretty messed up!

3 Questionable (euphorically refreshing) flavors:

They are claiming One Bite is equivalent to 3 puffs of a joint... Do you know what this means people? Half a pint of Mary Jane's Churnins would make you a HOT Motherfucking mess of a crack head!!!

Ok don't argue with me!!! you know I have a valid point here.

Just Imagine:

You have Cancer (and/or any other problem that would warrant a Rx)
Now you've eaten half a pint of Pot Ice Cream...
Now not only are you weak and feeble but you've also fallen down the stairs,
and there you lay at the bottom of the stairs with a broken arm and hip, missing teeth and all...
BUT you're high as a kite! so you're just laying there laughing your ass off!
Rolling around in a pool of your own blood and urine, having a blast!

"Help I've fallen and I can't... Ahhahahahaha... I can't get up... Ahahahahaha!"

The Crying Girl Outside The Bar

2010-08-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

ME: You look like you're having a rough night
CRYBABY: I am
ME: Why are you crying?
CRYBABY: Cause I'm UGLY
ME: Who told you that?
CRYBABY: I did

and here's how I responded to that... I laughed (or chuckled) and asked her how old she was. She was 17 years old, standing outside a bar alone, crying because of her insecurities. At 17 I'd be more surprised if she didn't think she was ugly. In fact I wake up every other day feeling Ugly or Awesome, and I'm Hella older than 17. If you allow your insecurities to fester, they will grow and eat you alive, until you are no longer a person... you'll just be a walking self-destructive defense mechanism.

It made me think about all the silly bullshit you do to try and be accepted when you're younger, and how you get older and realize it was dumb to try and win over a bunch of people who are virtually dead to you now.

I went to taco bell the other day and from the second that I walked in people stared at me... and this continued for about 10 minutes (yeah it took that long) I had no idea why these people were just staring but of course my mind does the usual backflips:

I must have spilled something on my shirt
I must look like I'm from out of town
They think I have a beer belly
They think I'm too skinny
I didn't shave evenly
my shorts are too short
my legs and arms are too hairy
Is my hairline really that bad?
my fly is open, don't look down!!!
Can they tell I'm not wearing underwear?
Is my fly open, while I'm not wearing underwear?
Do people think I'm old?
Do I smell odd? am I wearing too much cologne?
Do I seem pathetic going to taco bell alone?

... and that's only the begining of the things that fly through my mind

The solution for me is an inner sense of:

If you are so intrigued by my outward appearance please refer to my facebook, there you will have the time to pick through my photos and think about whatever you like or don't like... for further critical concerns I am the proud owner of a penis, you wanna know more about it... it looks like a penis! If I'm too fat-skinny-tall-short or whatever to be in your local establishment... FUCK YOU.

Splurge

2010-08-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

I hate when people say "Splurge" and they

sing the word!
make an obnoxious face
put both hands up and look at the ceiling... do it and you'll know what I mean!

"Splurge" sounds like the sound you make when you fall from a great height... to your death

It sound almost raunchy when you say it over and over...

...

v., splurged, splurg·ing, splurg·es. v.intr.

To indulge in an extravagant expense or luxury.
To be showy or ostentatious.

ENEMY! ... On Guard!

2010-08-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate when someone goes out of their way,
to almost formally declare themselves as your enemy.
Oh you don't have this problem? Well you're lucky, cause it makes me sleepy.

You're just skipping along, paying no mind to small minded people... and this fool jumps out of the woodwork like "Hey hey hey! I want to be your enemy" and you look at them like, "Bitch! are you really that foolish?"

So you laugh and shrug and continue down the road only to find the same fool has decided you don't have the option of rejecting a challenge... you are now engaged in permanent conflict.

Like they won't let you skip down the path of happiness!!!
It's just like the coyote and the road runner, are you willing to do yourself in, just to get to someone else... because that's some evil shit! What is the point?

...yawn

The Life and Times of a Job Hunter: Part VI... Till Retirement Do Us Part

2010-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hello Jobless Masses!!! I hope you're ready for your Virtual Valium, a little mental snack cookie to hold you over until you get the job of your schemes!

I've recently learned a few interesting job facts on my quest for the perfect enjoyable overpaying career;

Looking for a job can be like finding a soul mate. When you look for a job think about the phrase: TILL DEATH DO YOU PART

(if they don't fix the whole social security mess that's probably how long you will be working.)
...so it may not be till death, but do you really want to do it for ~20 years?

1. It's ok to say no!

It's like a bad date... you go out, find yourselves to be utterly incompatible... why continue when you know it's a bad fit? Why not say goodbye, and go "play the field." If you're in talks with a job you think isn't for you... Go with the cold feet thing. Be a runaway bride when it comes to a job that won't satisfy you.

At this point in my personal quest I am not hearing back from the jobs I want but at least I know what I'm looking for. Luckily I'm in a position that keeps me from settling for something I know I don't want. I have had a few companies call me on some bullshit! And I have no problem saying, "Thanks for considering me, but No Thank You."

2. You will most likely spend more time at your job than you will spend (in waking hours) with your spouse.

You're spending 9-5 at work 8-6 with travel time included
You go to bed around 10-11
That left you 4 hours for your significant lover...Yes child, your spouse is a part time job.

So which do you take more seriously? The chances of a marriage "working out" are around 50%... So basically you have searched and sifted in order to get into a situation (marriage) that could spit you out in a few years, with half of the assets you have acquired.

I'm not really commenting so much on marriage as much as I am your career choice... why not take the time to find the right job opportunity. Even if you have a job already, nothing stops you from collecting your check and still going home to search for greener pastures. Let job hunting be your mistress, and when you find what you're looking for... leave for the better situation.
Or just be happy with what you have... knowing that nothing better is coming and that this is the way it will always be... and when you have a brood of you're very own jobless masses... you'll be jealous because they will use you as an example of the life they DON'T WANT!

The Life and Times of a Job Hunter: Part V... Hair Games

2010-08-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Greetings Jobsless Masses... and those that dream of a better career path,

While on the hunt for that prefect overpaying job, I realized that hair can do so much.

Recently I cut my hair after skipping hairs cuts for about a month, in preparation for that day when I am called to interview for the job of my dreams ... after I got my hair chopped off I looked in the mirror and though, "gee I look different."

From that day people noticed the change and complemented me on my "new look"
I hadn't realized that changing something so slightly had such a dramatic effect.

Well I'm willing to admit that I don't have as much hair as I used to as a younger guy. So I decided that I could add a little hair growth supplement to my job hunt routine. A simple topical agent to help thicken up my thinning area.

Minoxidil (Rogaine) is used to stimulate hair growth and to slow balding. It is most effective for people under 40 years of age whose hair loss is recent. Minoxidil has no effect on receding hairlines. It does not cure baldness; most new hair is lost within a few months after the drug is stopped.

Now reasons for hair loss include but are not limited to:

Stress (from not having the job of your dreams)
Genetics (If your Dad was bald by 25, you have a 75% chance of the same thing happening)
Cornrows/Braided hairstyles (Pull out the front of your hairline)

When you grow your hair back, think of the how it will give you more confidence as you meet prospective employers and strangers alike!

Today's Job Hunting inspiration song is... HAIR (from the musical hair)

Lyrics to meditate on:

"For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair"

"Flow it, show it...Long as God can grow it. My hair"

SONG: I'm gunna show you my Genitalia

2010-08-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is a random video that I found on facebook.
Umm I think the title speaks for itself.
This crazy middle aged tranny looking lady with a blond wig sings about how she's going to show everyone her genitalia.

I'm also pretty sure this is an unreleased lady gaga song. *Joking*

Anyway... enjoy! It's pretty interesting... I still don't know if it should be considered a promise or a threat... or Kim Kardashian's ringtone

Teenage Dream: Katy Perry what is a Lyric Video?

2010-07-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Katy Perry makes good on her promise to give us
The 8o's, electric, dance, pop, summer... of our (Teenage) dreams.

TEENAGE DREAM is the title of Katy Perry's forthcoming sophomore (studio) album and it is the title of the second single released from the album.

TEENAGE DREAM is scheduled for release on the 24th of august 2010... the picture below is the album cover art; it is a painting of Perry on cotton candy clouds. The cover will not contain any text what-so-ever! (no name, no title... nothing)

The Video is directed by Joseph Kahn ("Waking Up in Vegas") and will premiere the first week of August.
But Katy Perry Released a clever teaser in the form of a "LYRIC VIDEO" in this vid, she uses stills from the video, and lyrics... along with a sing-a-long style pink highlight effect

She took to her twitter, to say this - katyperry: Here! A youtube I put together w/ the lyrics & a BUNCH of stills from the upcoming Teenage Dream music video: http://bit.ly/tdlyric
Get into the LYRIC VIDEO HERE:

Kick Ass Lyric:
"I'ma get you heart racing
in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream... tonight."