Muzzle Me Barbie

I really like you lettuce, but only sometimes...

2011-03-22T16:28:00.000-04:00

My thought today was about lettuce. And how much I hate warm lettuce. confused? let me elaborate...

Lettuce Wraps @ PF Chang's (cold lettuce, warm chicken) = REALLY GOOD
(cold) lettuce on a turkey sub = GOOD
(warm) lettuce on a warm sandwich (chicken cheesesteak) or a sandwich being reheated that has lettuce on it = NASTY

It gets slimy when warm/hot....and it becomes more stringy and rotten looking. Just the idea of it right now is giving me the chills.

I hate taking the lettuce off, because if it was on there in the first place, I wanted it there. But putting a sandwich into the microwave to reheat and having the lettuce become warm and change textures is just plain GROSS.

So, that's about it. I don't like warm or hot lettuce. The End.

my kids crack me up.

2011-03-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

"i love this city. it has Dairy Queen in it." - Aidan

he has a point. who doesn't love DQ? I grew up on that place...and my love for it never went away, even though I am ~~in my thirties~~ 25.

luke made me laugh a lot today too. my favorite thing is when he thinks he's super cool by putting his sunglasses on, but they're upside down.

that brings me to sleepy time. i went to check on aidan. can you see him? goodnight!

40 going on 12

2011-03-12T16:01:00.004-05:00

have you ever seen the show, An Idiot Abroad? If you haven't, I have some great news because I have an idiot ~~abroad~~ in New Jersey who will do just fine. A bunch of us were out to celebrate my friend (of 17 years!) Merle's 40th birthday last night. We went to pf chang's (yum) and then off to boogie nights. Its nice to have a friend who never changes. You don't have to worry about it getting weird or not wanting to hang out anymore. Merle hasn't changed, ~~unless you count the "twins"~~, since I met her when I was 14. Happy 40th Merle! I know in another 10 years you will still be doing the same idiotic stuff ~~with me~~. Heee Haww!!

damn you mcdonalds.

2011-03-11T15:46:00.003-05:00

apparently mcdonald's wants me to gain 20+ pounds with their new, re-designed milkshakes which are now called "McCafe Shakes." they obviously added a new ingredient (possibly crack) into them so they taste extra good. They've also added whipped cream and a cherry on top. (i don't even like those fake cherries with their red dye #40, but i think because its there, it tastes better.) Or maybe its just simply new packaging and the taste is the same which therefore makes me the biggest sucker ever.

regardless, i've been completely obsessed with them (and their fries, and their nugget meal, and their hot mustard sauce for the nuggets) that i've gone there about 15 4 times this week alone (and the week isn't over). This is not normal. maybe i'll sue them for their milkshakes being "delicious" just like that woman sued them because their coffee was "hot"

aidan really loves animals.

2011-03-11T00:39:00.001-05:00

so i go to check on aidan and i walk into his room & see this:

he apparently fell asleep while sniffing (??) a toy bird

So, I go to move him because he was laying all awkward, and realize he stuffed about 20+ Little People animals into his pants. again.

I had to take his pants off in order to get them all out. photo evidence here:

TMI

2011-03-10T23:51:00.004-05:00

so, tonight at work i had a woman that wanted to sign up for a Rewards card...

Me: "ok, can i please have your e-mail address"

Woman: (gets quiet) "ok...i'm embarrassed....its alwaysnaughty@______.com"

Me: (chuckled) "ok....first name?"

Woman: "my husband created it for me...maybe i should start giving my work email instead."

yea, might be a good idea lady!

soggy nugget.

2011-03-09T16:22:00.001-05:00

so, i just had a half-eaten, water logged chicken nugget hit me in the arm. Thrown by none other than Mr. Luke.

It then ricocheted off my arm , left its mark on our glass table, and landed with a slimy thump on the floor. I look over at Luke and he looks pretty guilty to me:

axe.

2011-03-09T15:28:00.000-05:00

so i've never been a fan of "Axe" deodorant body spray. Years ago, when my brother & I lived together, he would use an entire can everyday before he left for work and I'd be stuck breathing it in for the next 8 hours as it slowly dissipated. Fast forward 7 years and one day i am awoken with burning lungs because of a smell that seemed familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Well, it was Axe. It struck again. My husband Vince uses it and every so often I am woken up by a smell slamming me in the face like a ton of bricks. I might rather get hit with a ton of bricks, the jury is still out on that one. So this morning as Vince went to the bathroom I asked him if he could please not use the spray. He declined. I asked, "Can you at least spray it on you out on the front porch?" (i thought this was a reasonable request) Vince: (ha!) "No!!! you spray your vanilla crap and that bothers me" Me: "Well, at least shut the bathroom door after you spray yourself!" Its funny because back in 2005 when we were first dating, he bugged me about what I was wearing because he loved the smell. Who doesn't love the smell of freshly baked vanilla cupcakes? because that's what my body spray (Victoria's Secret Vanilla Lace) smells like! Its great. And its non aerosol so it doesn't burn the lungs. He's crazy talking. He likes it, he just doesn't want to admit it because his spray smells like something a horny college kid would spray on himself before he goes to a Frat party.

And his Axe is called "music"....i don't get it. it also has "VIP access" printed on the bottle. VIP access to where? some hoochie mama's pants? It makes no sense. I wish I could add a smell to my blog, but I can't. So, until then, just pictures.

Don't let your husband buy this stuff, unless you like not being able to breathe clearly.

2011-03-08T19:50:00.000-05:00

so today, bright and early, my 5 year old & i had this conversation:

Aidan: "my penis is wrong"
Me: "umm, what? your penis is wrong?"
Aidan: "yea, my penis is not fixed."
Me: "ok....well, fix it?"
Aidan (pulls pants down), adjusts, and laughs.

i bet very soon i'll have one of those bumper stickers that says, "my kid is smarter than your honor student"

lazy.

2011-03-06T15:40:00.000-05:00

so, i've been super lazy & haven't updated my blog in about 4 months. Lame sauce. My friend Khristy totally called me out on this. I will try to get more stories & pictures on here...plus, with The Islander opening in less than a month, all the freaks who have been cooped up in their weirdo caves all winter will be coming out very soon. I can't wait. That and the fact that my 5 year old, Aidan, says some of the craziest stuff. Just a couple weeks ago he said "I smell air." Can't really argue with him now, can ya?

Stay tuned.....

my quest to talk to "trollman"

2010-11-03T22:19:00.001-04:00

So, for about a year now I've been seeing "trollman" around the Hamilton Mall area (if you pay attention to what I do on Facebook, you know this already) but I've never actually talked to him. Well, all that changed last week on October 28th.

So you think you can dance

2010-09-13T03:20:00.000-04:00

Melissa sees Toolbag dancing. Immediately thinks "I have to go make fun of him." And so I did...

It's a Q-tip, It's a cotton ball, its....someone's hair?!

2010-07-28T19:59:00.000-04:00

So, apparently the other night was bad hair night at work. But this woman took the cake, or should I say cotton candy. Her hair didn't move at all. Hurricane force winds couldn't move that coif of hair. If you've never seen a walking Q-tip, then I have 1 up on you, because I did the other night.

Stick a fork in me Jerry, I'm done

2010-06-09T09:19:00.000-04:00

So, I'm at the beach the other day with the kiddos & some friends and I immediately see this guy. First thought that comes into my head: that Seinfeld episode when Kramer uses butter to shave and ends up putting it all over his body, going up on the roof to lay in the sun, and falls asleep only to wake up looking like this guy. Extra well done. The rest of the episode Newman is looking at Kramer like he's a well done turkey. Good stuff. (if you aren't a Seinfeld fan, please leave now)