my-story-of-divorce

I think I might be ready

2011-02-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

I think that I might be ready to date, to get involved with someone. Nothing overly serious at first but it would be nice to have some adult company to go to the movies and other things.

I am just not sure how to approach it with my kids, how do you tell your kids that you are dating, or should I even bother saying anything until I am serious about someone.

I do have this great fear that if I start dating that the kids might resent it and I will have to make a choice between a girl friend and my kids. I know who wins that battle but I just don't want to be put in that position. I think this is the one thing that has held me back from dating up to this point....how will the kids react. I am probably worrying to much about it, I am making a mountain out of a mole hill I am sure,...but still it is on my mind.

I just worry that the kids will resent anyone that I am seeing, that they might blame her for the separation, I know that is not true, but is just what I worry about.

Maybe I don't give the kids enough credit for being grown up, they are teenagers, they are not babies anymore that is for sure.

I guess I have to get on with life, waiting for the kids to grow up and leave home is really putting my life on hold.

You can't rush the healing

2011-01-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Hello All

One thing I have learned over the past year and few months being separated is that you can't rush the healing process.

Lots of people when they are newly separated want to rush getting their lives back to what it once was. My advice is don't. Don't rush into dating, definitely don't rush into another relationship. Don't rush to buy items or new house or new car right away. You have to settle into the new reality that is your life. You have to give it time. When I say time, it is not measured in days, or weeks, or months....it is measured in Years.

The temptation is to jump out there and show everyone that you are fine,...that you are happy, that the separation was the best thing to happen to you,..that you are reborn. What ever you want to call it, it is just over compensating and eventually reality will kick in. You are much better off to admit to friends that it is challenging being on your own, there are good points and bad. That you are slowly adjusting to the new reality that is your life. In the long run this is the better route to take, and your friends will respect you more for being honest with them, and more importantly honest with yourself.

The biggest thing is don't get into a relationship with someone right away. I tried, I thought that it was what I wanted, I was disappointed when it didn't work out. But now, I am so thankful it didn't, it would have ended up as a disaster for sure. So many people do it, and I can't really blame them because being lonely is a terrible thing, and makes you do stupid things. You don't need to prove to other people that you are a good person by being able to get into another relationship right away.

As time passes you will notice that there are days that you are truly happy, that you will have a smile on your face because you feel good. An honest smile that is not forced to prove to people you are happy. A feeling of internal joy that radiates out and it is because you realized you have made it. You have taken on the challenges of being single(again) and although you probably stumbled a few times you have gotten your act together and it is all working out.

When this happens, and it will, don't be afraid to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for making this far. There is still plenty to go through, but the worst is definitely over

Have a good weekend everyone.

Holiday Season is done

2011-01-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

Well the holiday season is done and now it is back to the grind, schedules are back to normal and now we just try and get thru the winter and wait for the warmer weather to show up in about 3 months.

A part of me is happy the holidays are done. Everything about the holidays is designed for the typical family. When your family is split due to separation it is difficult to get in the mood. Every image on TV or in the media is all about 2 parents and kids all living in the same house and getting along. Not the case in real life.

I think the holiday season is the biggest casualty of separation/divorce. It may get better as years pass but currently when things are still pretty fresh there are to many other emotion happening to loose yourself in the holiday spirit. A single parent just does not get the time to relax and enjoy things. Adding to the stress is the extra strain on the budget that is already stressed to the limit trying to pay Child Support and Spousal Support. I love to give to my kids but I also have to make sure my bills get paid.

I had fun on New Years, well at least until midnight came. It is hard being out with all couples and being the only single person at the party. As much as I enjoy the time I have with my friends I find it harder and harder to spend time with all married people. I need to find more single friends, not for dating but just hanging out with and spending time with.

I didn't make any resolutions this year, if I was to make one it is to continue on the up swing I have been on. Things are better then last year and I hope this time next year it will be even better. If I can remain employed for the next couple years I should be on a much more firm financial footing and be prepared to pay for post secondary education for my son in a couple years.

Speaking of work,....better get back to it.

have a great day, talk to you soon.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

Hello All

The beginning of a new year gives us a chance to reflect. This is my second new year being separated. Last year at this time I was unemployed, recently separated and missing my kids incredibly as I sat in my mostly empty house. I had no job prospects and the money was starting to run out. I continued to pay child support with money I didn't have but I didn't want the kids to suffer. Oh and I was feeling very lonely

This year, I have a job, I am slowly filling up the house, I have the kids this New Years eve, I have "head hunters" calling me offer potential jobs, I have got a new to me car. I am no longer lonely, I have reconnected with my children and I have also reconnected with some friends as well.

Things have turned around. It is true that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb up, I hit rock bottom back in February 2010, I will tell you about it in another post in the new year. I am proud that I have managed to climb my way back, it was not easy, I have stuck to a few principles I felt were important and they have paid off. I have adjusted to the new reality of being separated.

I know that I am on the right path but I still have a long way to go, this is a marathon not a sprint. I have goals set out and I am working on a plan to achieve them.

To anyone out there that is going through separation/divorce and you are wondering if you can make it...the answer is YES. Hold true to what you believe is right, getting out of a negative relationship takes time to recover from. Don't fall back into bad habits, avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is like your "X". I almost did it, and I look back now it would have been a disaster. Believe in yourself and things will turn around for you.

Just because things look dark today does not mean they will tomorrow. Change is the one constant in the Universe

Happy New Year All.

It is just not fair

2010-12-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is just not fair.

I know I have stated this before but it needs repeating.

It does not pay to be the primary "bread winner" when it comes to separation/divorce. The law does not discriminate between males and females which is great, but it does discriminate against people who have worked hard and make more money. The system definitely favours the lazy.

I work hard so that she gets to spend more time with my kids. I work all summer so she can have summer off. Why am I punished, because I get up early, have to travel further to make a decent living. My reward for making more money?, I get the joy of paying my X even more and I get even less time with the kids because I have to work.

It is ironic that someone who said that she no longer wanted to be with me still needs me to survive financially. She wants to be a Single Parent.....but still wants the financial security that I provide.

I have worked hard all my life and provided for my family, but now all I get to do is pay and pay.

It has been a year since my separation, I have lost so much time with my kids over the past year. Time that can never be replaced.

Am I bitter, yes, but how can someone not be bitter when they have lost time with their kids.

Time missed

2010-10-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

It has been about a year that I have been on my own. I thought the bitterness of separation would have faded by now but it has not.

There is not a day that goes past that I don't miss having my kids with me all the time. All I ever wanted out of life was to raise my kids and spend every possible moment with them. To have a sense of family, to watch them grow up.

That has all been taken away from me. In the past year I have felt I have missed so much of there lives. Why, why has this been taken away from me. I asked to work thing out but she refused.

People say that you should not stay together because of the kids.....I think that is wrong. I think that you should work on fixing things because of the kids.

I wonder if the feeling of being cheat, the resentment ever goes away. I try so hard to get over it, but I just can't shake the feeling. the feeling of being cheated out of the only think I ever wanted in life.

When I have the kids every other weekend I spend every moment with them. I have put my own personal life on hold to spend time with them.

They say that time heal all wounds but I can't see time ever healing this, if anything time seems to make it worse. When every I see my "X" all I can think is "....you have taken from me the only thing I ever wanted in life, you have stolen time I could have with my kids and I can never get that back...." I don't think I will ever stop feeling that.

8 cold hard truths about separation/divorce

2010-09-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hello

These are the 8 things that are unfortunate cold hard truths about separation, no matter how amicable it might be.

This list does not apply to people who are in abusive relationships. This is intended for marriages that break up because one or both people were "not happy"

1.) It will hurt emotionally, there is no way around this. You will question your decision on many a dark lonely night. There will be times that you are alone without the kids and you will wonder if there could have been some way to save things. You will second guess decision and replay fights in your mind, aksing youself whit if I had said something different.

2.) It will hurt financially. Mos middle class people I know live pay cheque to pay cheque, be prepared to live on a much smaller pay cheque. It will strain your finances to the limit. You will feel the pinch when you disposable income takes a really hit for a very very long time. No body is better off financially after a separation.

3.)The real looser out of the entire thing...the kids. Unless it is an abusive relationship kids have nothing to gain and everything to loose by parents separating. They loose time with there parents, the will loose financially in the long run, they will suffer emtionally. To you your spouse is just some stranger you met one day....to the kids that is there Mom or Dad they now have to live without.

4.)here is no winners and losers....only losers in various degrees. even between the two parents no one winds. Life will become harder, more work and having to do more with fewer resources and less time.

5.)It will forever haunt you as you try and enter a new relationship. Memories of past realtionships will haunt your new ones. If you "X" cheatted on you, then you will look and wonder if your new partner is cheating on you.....you will think,.."it happend to me once, it could happen again."

6.)You will loose friends. Some friends will take your X's side. If there were couples that you would socialize with you will feel uncomforatbe with them because you are single. Some friends will find it hard to deal with the situation and avoid you.

7.)It is work..lots of it. suddenly you will be responsible for every task around the house. If you have two or more kids it because hard because only one kid at a time will get attention.

8.)If you have kids you will still have to deal with your "X". You may no longer have to live with you "X" but you will still have to deal with them. When kids are involved you will want to be involved with them and the decisions that surround them. This means you will still ahve to discuss things with your "X".

Loneliness

2010-09-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hello All

Of all the things that hurt going through a separation/divorce, the emotional battles, the financial strain, the lack of sleep and constant worries, the wondering if this was the right thing to do, the biggest thing I have had to battle and that has caused me the most pain is loneliness.

If you are one of those people who likes to be alone then divorce was made for you. One of the biggest things you get out of it is alone time. I on the other hand hate to be alone. I like having company, the sound of someone else in the house. If it was not for my dog Charlie I think I would have lost my mind by now.

It has almost been a year now that I have been on my own and I still just can't get use to the idea of not having my kids in my house every night. It is still painful but not nearly as bad as it was a year ago. I have felt emotional pain before, being dumped when you are dating someone, the lose of parents passing away, but nothing compared to the emotion trauma of not being with my kids. I am confident that it has left a scare that will never fully heal. I will never be able to recapture the time I have missed not being with them every night.

Out of all the things lost with the separation/divorces I have gotten over the loss of income, saving, the house, some friends, even the hurtful things said by my "X" I have gotten over but I have never gotten over not having my kids around all the time.

I try and make the most of the time I do have with them, and make sure they know I love them and miss them.

It doesn't pay

2010-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

I know that this will piss off some people, but this is just how things look to me right now.

It doesn't pay to be an involved Dad and primary bread winner when it comes to separation and divorce.

When I was married I was a very involved Dad raising my children. I changed diapers, I stayed up late at nights when they were sick, play with them, and took them places. Now I know that this is just part of being good Dad, I did what I should have done. I don't expect any kinds special prize for it. But what hurts is that I was also the primary bread winner, which meant more time at work and traveling into the city to go where the high paying jobs are.

Now that I am separated I am trapped, I have to continue to work downtown to earn a good income so that I can continue support my kids and myself. But because they don't live with me I work and don't see them when I get home from work. Now I come home to an empty house, and miss them terribly. But like I said I am trapped, I want to keep my kids in their current area and to do that I have to travel to get to work.

It can be very frustrating.

I have returned

2010-08-12T08:22:00.001-07:00

Hello All

I started this blog when I was first going through the pains of separation and having to deal with all the issues that went along with it. I documented my pain and suffering, the trials and tribulation, the defeats and victories. Then one day I woke up and realized that I had to let go of the past for a while, I could not keep rehashing it, it was taking a mental and a physical toll on me. So I deleted the blog, and yes I regret doing it.

But now I am ready to start again. The wounds have healed and I am starting a new life with a better perspective on what went wrong before and determined to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again. This is probably easier said then done….but I will try.

I will post again soon and start telling you all about the issues and concerns being a single part time parent. I will also share what I have learned going through the separation so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes ( and I made a lot of them) and not repeat them.

Talk to you soon