My ADD life

Life and the ride

2017-03-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

Life. My God when it’s going good things feel good, tension is easy, and life can be laughed at. But oh crap let it be going crazy and it’s like a carnival ride. The sad thing is that life is like that ride 99% of the time. What makes us who we are is how we deal with it. I don’t seem to be doing so well lately. My stress level is high, I seem to be anger ridden, and my poor ADD mind is jumping from one thing to another. I have learned that as a person with ADD I need, no I have to have structure. Without it I have no focus, I have no memory, and I have no idea of my life’s purpose. I don’t usually create day, week, year or lifetime goals because I never know where my brain will take me. I try and have habits and structure so that I can “live” my life. Meaning I do what I have to do to make it to work and home and then to bed for the next day. Lately my life has been thrown in chaos. Not that this is bad it’s just hard. It’s because of circumstances beyond my control. It may end up being how my life will be I just need to find a way to incorporate the changes.

whats that you say

2017-02-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

So here I am again a frustrated bundle of anger. This seems to happen a lot lately. It usually always has to do with my frustration over miscommunications. I say something and the other person does not understand. The other person says something, and just to be clear I repeat it back to them only to find out that’s not what they said. Now I don’t know if this is an age thing, an ADD thing or an I’m just losing my ability to communicate. Whatever it is it frustrates the crap out of me. As an example: For my job I design using computer aided drafting (CAD). Today I was given instructions on drawing a piece of equipment and my boss and I were looking at the paper and I said so you want me to put the pole here and drew a dot on the sheet, he agreed and I went off to draw. When I took it back in there he said I did it wrong and that you could not put a pole there and acted like I was an idiot. When I showed him the mark up he just said I misunderstood. Now if this was a onetime thing I would say ok but this happens every day several times a day. Now I have no confidence in my job and it spills over to my personal life. At home I say stuff to my loved ones that make them mad or hurt their feelings and I did not even mean it the way they took it. Most days I just feel like I should not say anything for fear of offending, hurting, pissing off or alienating someone. This is a hard life and line to tread.

2017-02-02T10:59:00.001-05:00

Two post, one day, Wow that’s a record for me. I have several people in my life that always say I want to write a book. I say “Bully for them”. I myself have never had that desire. So why have a blog. To be completely honest I don’t know. I guess as an outlet. I don’t usually journal because I have had my journals read and my privacy invaded so why do it. It’s easier and safer to just keep it in your head. So now why blog. I guess it’s because I WANT people to read what I write. I want people to comment. I want my thoughts to matter in the universe. I hate paying attention to punctuation and verbiage (which is why I don’t write a book). I quite writing on the blog because no one looked and no one cared. I may stop again for that reason but for now I write to put my energy somewhere other than in my head.

2017-02-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

I know that many people are affected by the sun, weather and seasons. I may be to some extent but I would never know. See I am a cubite. For those that don’t know what that is, I dwell in a cubicle all day. I do not see natural sunlight, I do not know the weather. My office is an open hole with skylights in a concrete building. But you have skylights you say. No we had to cover those because it caused sunlight to hit our computer screens which caused us not to be able to see. So unless I get up from my desk and walk to the front of the building I never know what goes on outside. In the winter I get here in darkness and leave in darkness. Because I don’t have loads of money I eat lunch at my desk, so therefore I only see the outside when I go up front (which is not often). My point here is that my bosses love the “open feel” of our office. Really it’s not open as much as it is that they can see what everyone is doing. I only bring this up because since the beginning of the year it has either been raining, snowing or just gloomy almost every day, especially the weekend. So I was standing at the front of the office looking out at the blue sunny sky and watching the birds fly around. I sometimes really miss that.

2017-01-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

It was brought to my attention that I have not posted here for awhile. I guess that’s because my interested has changed and drifted off to other things. Or it could be because I’m busy. It seems like I’m always busy, busy at work, at home and at play. Yes I am busy playing. Currently “Skyrim” on the PS4. I am absolutely obsessed. If you know the game I’m playing a female Kajaiit archer build soon to be assassin. Love the stories and challenging myself to stand still with an arrow loaded and wait. It’s so hard for me to sit still.

I also have started using the app and website Habitica. It’s a program for goal setting and habit forming that makes your life a game. It’s hard to explain but if you like gaming and want to get some order to your life check it out. So far it has helped me start cleaning out my stuff. I declutter 10 minutes a day and clean 15. That does not sound like much but they are both very concentrated and I can see a difference. Besides I was doing nothing before so at least I'm doing something.

Otherwise life is the same. Working at work, working on the business, and working at home. Tried to take vacation at Christmas to do some major work at the house and that did not work out to good for me. And I’ve been sick for a few weeks. I hope things will get back to “normal” soon.

New Life

2011-09-25T16:56:00.001-04:00

Have you ever noticed that new love is like new life. With new love comes the feel of adventure and excitement in all that is around you. You find you have no time for the old things and instead want to spend every waking hour with this new creature in your life. Sometimes it is just like in the books and films about love. Everything around you seems good and right. I say all this and think well maybe thats how it is for me. Maybe I am the only one that sees life as one big spring season. Like the feelings inside you that are like new blossoms on the long dead tree or the new flowers opening their petals to the warm sun. Even though life is great and grand and all new it has its down side. For each person that downside is different and with each relationship its different. Sometimes its the lack of sleep because of being with or talking to the person all the time. Sometimes its the fact that you lose yourself by becoming so absorbed with this new creature. And sometimes its even the fact that you cut off all other relationships to be only with your new love. I think in the end though each person must evaluate their own being and decide if in the end falling in love is worth it. If I had to vote my answer would always be yes. As I see it the only down size to falling in love is when and if there is ever the falling out of love that can sometimes occur. This one thing will keep some from completely letting go but to them I say live life and enjoy the heart that God gave you. I like that saying "Live, Laugh, Love" it should be everyones motto in life.

The feeling of fear

2011-08-03T13:50:00.001-04:00

The feeling of being scared is one of the worst feelings there is. For me this is what fear looks like. I get cold and I feel it down to my bones. It’s the kind of cold that takes your breath away and makes breathing difficult. No matter what you do the cold seems to permeate your soul. I feel trapped in my cold body and my body feels tingles all over. Although you may feel safe in a place all it takes is a memory or a thought to put you back into that fear. Fear does not mean you are in a situation where your life is in danger. It can be a fear of failure, of disappointment, loss, or even succeeding. I have been experiencing much of this fear lately. I am having to learn how to deal with it and live with it. However every once in awhile it creeps up and catches me off guard. These are the times I dread because these are the times when no matter how much you guard yourself and protect yourself you get knocked on your ass. It’s when you think you can trust someone and they do something so unexpected and it hurts you that the fear punches you in the gut. So I sit here and I go over in my head what did I do or not do or how should I have responded. Although I know in my heart I can only be me and I can only do what I do. Still that sucker punch of fear hits and I sit here unable to breath.

I figured it out its not fear as much as its an addiction. I was addicted to being with and near and around someone and now they are gone and I don't know why and I am going through withdrawal. Ahh it all makes sense now.... well sort of.

Been a while

2011-07-07T00:26:00.000-04:00

Been awhile since I wrote and today seemed like a good day. I am on my way to the beach with my good friend. The ride so far has been very good for me. We were able to talk about things we have in common some good and some bad. Its amazing when in life you find someone that you have a real connection with. I am not talking about a sexual thing but more of a mental thing. Gwen and I seem to have that. Never in my life have I met someone that in the first meeting I felt as if I had known them all my life. Again we seem to have that going for us. I feel as if I can tell her anything and I will not be judged. Since losing mother I have felt so lost as if my life has been turned upside down. My life is right now in great turmoil and I am making changes. Some think I am insane in the changes being made but some think it is past time for that. I know that for me my life must change or I will drown in unhappiness. I may be screwing my life up, and if I do that is on me, but I must change and I must grow so grab a seat and watch what happens. It will either be a great train wreck or it may be the wings I have needed to fly.

My mothers end

2011-06-17T21:16:00.001-04:00

I think it is time to begin talking about my Mom and my life since she has died. I never knew that her dying would have such a profound affect on my life. Someone told me recently that since she died I have raised her to sainthood status in my mind. I don’t think that is true. I know who and what my mother was. I always saw her as a bitter woman one that was never happy. However at her funeral I saw that she had many friends and was loved by many.

So about my mother. I never felt that she really loved me though I am sure in her way she did. I always felt strange telling her that I loved her. Like that in some way she would think me weak. Because of this I am not sure that I even know what love is anymore. I know that I also felt strange hugging her or showing any affection towards her. But despite all of this I did love her. I always wondered why she seemed mad at everything but I wonder now if she was just unhappy with us. In my adult life I always blamed myself thinking maybe it had to do with me. I mean others saw her as a loving happy woman.

I have spent much of my life trying to make my mother proud and yet never felt like she was. Now she’s gone and I feel as though I have failed in life. I can never get approval. So now I am lost and feeling as if my life is falling apart.

In February my sister called and said mothers leg was not working. In her typical way she did not want to go to the hospital but I finally convinced her. They said she did not have a stroke but did not know what was wrong. I went and spent four day with her in the Hospital, sleeping in a chair. I did this because I cared. I did it in spite of her getting mad at me when I insisted on calling the nurse for everything. I did this because I loved her. It killed me because the woman who had always been the strong person she was seemed so weak and frail and I tried to ignore this fact. I tried to pretend she was ok and would pull through like always. She did get better and went to a home for recovery.

She was in the home for a week when she started having trouble breathing, so they took her back to the hospital. The next time I saw her she was in CCU and was in a sort of semi conscious state. She could have visitors for 15 minutes three times a day. I and my family were there in between visits just sitting and waiting. It was so hard seeing her like that. I remember telling her I loved her and she said she loved me too. When I told her that I had to go back home she reached for my head and just kept saying no, no, no. I just knew she would still pull through. That week they finally found the infection; it was in her dialysis port and needed to operate. They lost her on the table and had to put her on life support. When I went the next weekend she was in a coma and I never spoke to my Mom again. Her last words to me were no, no, no. We had decided to take her off life support and were making arrangements. My sister and I went in and talked to her to tell her it was ok if she wanted to go that we would take care of Daddy and we knew she was tired. She started losing her heart beat. We gathered around her bed with the preacher. I was on her side holding her hand. The preacher started to say a prayer and I was watching the monitor. At one point her said “Lord if it her time to go take her” and at that moment my mother died. I felt her life in my hand one moment and the next it was gone.

Right now this moment this very second I feel so lost. My life is spinning out of control and I can catch myself, and I feel as if I don’t want anyone to catch me. I just want my mommy.

The pain of it all

2011-06-09T09:02:00.000-04:00

Today is a day of pain. I am in many different types of pain. My bodily pain is strong today. Many times I can think away the bodily pain and I don’t feel it. This is not one of those days. My joints ache and sitting at my desk (which is what I do all day) hurts. Although I know standing would be no better. I am not a woman who sheds many tears but today there will be many shed.

I am in emotional pain as well. Today seems to be one of those days when all of my loss is pouring in on me. The loss of not only my mother but the loss of a group community and the possible loss of a relationship. The loss of my mother seems to be hitting me hard today and last night. I was laughing about a conversation my sister and I had with our Dad about the birthday cards my Mom use to send us. She always included twenty dollars and we were trying to tell him she sent us hundreds but he saw right through the joke. That’s when it hit me I would not be getting that card this year that I so looked forward to. It’s not that I don’t get cards its more that it did not seem right until I got THAT card. Now I wonder if it will ever be right. The community I loss was a group of people I have spent the last four years with, my EFM group. I feel as though I have lost a group of friends. I know we all say we will stay in touch but with everyone’s busy life it never happens. The possible relationship loss is an entirely different matter. This is one that may or may not be a true loss but for now it is raw and hurts.

As I said before I am not one to cry and have always considered it a weakness on my part. However, I have shed more tears in the last 10 hours than I have in the last ten years. I know more are to come. I also know that I have to work today and appear to care for my job while on the inside I feel like dying. Wishing I could curl up in a corner and just sob. Sob for my loss and for my pain.

Mona K

2011-05-18T08:00:00.001-04:00

Mona also was a teacher and a friend. She was around when I was in the 6^th grade. She was our Music teacher. She instilled in me a love of music. Until I met her I had no idea that I could sing. I fell in love with singing with a little help. She also gave me the first lessons in self esteem. Until I met her I felt very little worth. I remember the first time she called me a nut and I was so hurt. Her response was “Nuts grow on trees, trees are part of nature, and God made all of nature”. She was the first to make me understand that ALL things made by God are beautiful.

Julia C.

2011-05-17T08:00:00.003-04:00

Julia C is a teacher I had in Elementary school. I just loved/hated her. She was very strict and that is what I hated, because lets face it even then I was lazy. She however, saw through that and helped me see that science was not “bad”. She also fostered in me a love for science fiction and showed me that the imagination could take you anywhere. She helped me learn to cope with my abuse issues, though I never knew that until years later.

The Wise woman

2011-05-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

The Wise woman is actually Deborah Thompson-Wise and she is one of my mentors in EFM (Education for Ministry). I knew her before EFM but have gotten to know her much better since then. DTW as she signs is a wonderful person. She has taught me more about the Bible, religion, and theology than any pastor or priest ever has. Her insight into the spiritual world is amazing. I wish everyone could learn from her. She has shown me how to give a quite caring for those around you. She has shown me in many ways that I am stronger than I ever thought. She is truly the “Wise Woman”.

Life Interupted

2011-04-08T10:12:00.000-04:00

As those of you who have bothered to read my blog you probably noticed that I did not finish my women series. I do plan on finishing. In fact it is very important to me that I finish. I just had life get in the way right now. March 19^th my mother died. I have not been able to write about that or anything so far. The last month has been very hard for me and I do want to get on with life and know that I will, it’s just I don’t do well with emotional things. Maybe I will try and write a little a day, or at least try. For now this is the best I can do as I go through my grief.

The Angel Marita

2011-03-10T15:13:00.002-05:00

Marita is an Angel. She is what I like to call Jesus here on Earth. I have known her for three years and each year I learn more and more about her. I see the love and compassion she has for others and it makes me want, no desire, to be more like her. She has taught me how one person can do so much and yet take so little credit. She has helped me see the beauty in the earth through pictures. She has helped me get excited about life when all I wanted to do was give up on life. She has helped me see the love and commitment that Dawn and I have for each other. In a word she has been my savior many times.

Gayle

2011-03-09T19:12:00.002-05:00

Gayle was the Priest at the first Episcopal Church I attended on a regular basis. She was also the priest that I went through my confirmation with. She helped me see that God does not hold grudges. At the time I was in a low spiritual spot and would not take communion and she said “if you go to a guests house and they prepare a meal don’t you think it would be rude to not eat”. She made spiritual things seem easy to understand. She was and I am sure she still is a great Priest. Her sermons made me sit up and take notice as I always learned something from them. So to her I say thank you for leading me back to God. Thank you for being there when I needed guidance and leadership.

Barbara

2011-03-08T13:57:00.002-05:00

Today’s woman use to be a big part of my life, her name is Barbara. She is my ex’s (Cheryl) mother. I know you are not supposed to like your Mother-in-Law but I did. Barbara ran what we lovingly referred as the Dunwoody humane society and home for wayward homosexuals. There were five people (four of which were gay), six dogs and usually a cat or two living in one house with Barbara being the house mother. She took care of us and we took care of her. I learned that not all parents reject their gay children and some even welcomed friends and partners of their gay children. I miss our talks and our laughs. I learned that it’s ok to be a woman on your own and that you don’t have to have a man around unless you enjoy his company. When Dawn and I got together I sort of lost contact with Cheryl and her Mom and I regret that because I do miss Barbara and I miss her as a Mother.

The EX

2011-03-07T20:19:00.003-05:00

Today I want to talk about my ex, Cheryl. We were together for four years. During this time we danced, played and lived out our twenties. She taught me that yes white women can dance and she was very good at it. I still can not move my hips like her. She also taught me never to play Trivial Pursuits with someone like her. She never lost. I hate that game now. She loved to travel and we did do some of that together. She showed me that sometimes it’s ok not to plan out a trip. She taught me to have “pride” in who I am. Most of all she taught me to laugh at all situations, from tents lifting on the wind, to cow sounds in hotels. The shocker to all this is that we are still friends, and although we don’t talk often when we do it’s like we have never had silence between us.

My Therapist

2011-03-06T16:45:00.003-05:00

Today I celebrate my Therapist Connie. I was thinking what has she done or said that has shaped the woman I am…. Well jus about everything. I have been seeing her for about 9 years and in that time she has helped me through many crises. We talk about everything from history to current events. She is always on my side, and although I pay her to be on my side I think she would be anyway. In our discussions we found that in many ways we are very alike. The thing though that gets her here in this list is that she has helped me to see that I am a good person who can have emotions without falling apart. She has helped me to learn how to trust my own feelings and see that I am a strong woman. I am not through with therapy (God know I probably never will be) but I am a better person for it. I just wish more people in my family did it. So Thanks Connie for all you do, say, and don’t say. And thanks for saving my life.

Mother Purvis

2011-03-05T17:05:00.001-05:00

It’s ironic that I chose today to write about my mother. This morning she went back into the hospital with heart problems this time. I fear that we may be getting to the end of her life, but she still kicking. My mother and I have a strange relationship. As a child I feared her and was always trying to get her approval. As an adult I have felt sorry for her. I look back and see someone who on the outside looks nice, happy and friendly. However being inside the family I see someone different. I see a woman who I am not sure was ever happy. Don’t get me wrong I love her because she is my mother but it makes me sad that she is not nor can I remember her having joy. I get much of my stubbornness from her, which is not a very good trait. So today I worry about her and I think about her and I love her because that really is all I can do.

Sista

2011-03-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

Today’s topic; my sister Angela. If anyone had told me thirty some odd years ago that we would be friend I would have laughed at you. When we were younger we fought all the time. We played tricks on each other and told on each other. At one time I thought I hated her. I am not sure when all of that changed but it did. When I was in my twenties I know I did not communicate much with her. This was mainly because I was too caught up in my Lesbian life. After I met Dawn, Angela and Dawn seem to become friends. When we decided to have a Holy Union we invited her (we thought she understood our relationship and somewhat supported it), this set our relationship back several years as she was very against what we were doing. It took many more years for the relationship to repair itself. Now though I think we get along great. When we are together we laugh till we cry and we tell each other our sad stories. I know that she is going through tough times and I wish I could help her. I am thankful that she lives close to my parents and is able to keep an eye on them. This in itself can cause her some grief. I have learned that life can always be laughed at because sometimes that’s all you can do. So sista this one is for you, thanks, and I love you.

Women of the day

2011-03-03T11:41:00.002-05:00

My women for the day are my best friend, partner, lover and soul mate. Dawn and I met at MCC Church in Atlanta in 1990. For me it was love at first sight. We still talk about our first date and laugh until we cry over the memories of that night (it’s too much to get into right now, remind me later). We have been though some really hard times that included being unemployed, sickness, deaths and separations. We also have had some really good times like, vacations, Holy Unions, our animals (or our children) and being together. She has taught me much over the years and I have taught her. We decided that one of my callings from God is to be her spouse, because had I not been there she would not be here today. She knows me better than myself sometimes (which can be scary) and can read me like a book. Without her I feel very incomplete. So this blog I dedicate to her. The she in me.

Women History month

2011-03-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

So it’s women history month and on the way home yesterday I started thinking about products for women. It started when I was watching a women walk in front of my car with these shoes that were spiked and pointy. In my head I thought “you know some man had to come up with that idea because no women would think of that torture”. That led me to thinking about dresses and how I hate them but some women love them and this led to how at one time all people, including men wore dresses (You can see the ADD working in my brain). I wondered when this just became a women thing. Then I went back to the shoes and thought you know if the shoe hurts why wear it. I mean if my feet hurt I am so miserable. If I don’t like what I wear I am miserable. However, being short and rotund, most clothes are not made for me. I really like sticking to my jeans (or khakis if at work) and tees (or golf shirts at work). I should not, although, think ill of those women who do like the fashion they wear. I just don’t understand.

For women’s history month I am going to try and do a little blurb on women in my life that have influenced me. So I will start with my Grandmother, Charlie Joe Brown Purvis. She was the greatest. She was the vision of a southern genteel woman. Loved all, have a wonderful humor, talented and loved by all. She painted, and even tried to teach me; but after one summer of lessons decided I was unteachable in painting. She taught me about love and respect. I still fondly remember summers spent with her. I miss her almost daily and wish I had spent more time with her.

This weekend

2011-02-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about this coming weekend. I will be going to Grace Point for my EFM (Education for Ministry) retreat. I really look foward to this every year. Sadly though this is my last year. But it will be fun.

Happiness

2011-02-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

I was thinking of my mother this morning, which lead me to thinking about my life and attitude. I do not want to end up like my mother. She seems so unhappy and seems to have no joy in her life. It made me think what brings me happiness and joy in my life. I have things that come to mind immediately like Dawn. I know that without her I feel less complete and when we both are feeling good (not depressed) then we have a lot of fun just being together. My second thought is of my dogs. They show me what it truley means to love unconditionally. They don't care what I have done or have not done they still meet me at the door with love it their eyes. I also think of my neice and nephew. They make me proud and I love to talk with them. I am not saying that these beings don't make me mad or hurt me its just that I know that losing any of them would hurt me greatly. So I guess the question is what brings you joy and happiness?