A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me and it was transformative. I experienced my mother in a brand new way. We talked about things with an honesty that had little reference for me.
Additionally, she has opinions that I don't completely agree with. Historically, I've judged them or at minimum got annoyed at them. This time I just let her be and accepted her for who she is.
I experienced a level of intimacy that's unfamiliar. It felt like a piece of my heart was lit that either has been long forgotten or never had been used.
It got me thinking about my relationship with my own version of god. I ascribe certain attributes to my god (and by the way, I'm not suggesting you do the same or believe in the god I do or even that you should believe in god).
My version of god is a perfect power. So, the question becomes: How do I become intimate with a power like that?
I learned that a great path to deep connection is embracing the fact that we're all human and connecting through that. We share pain, problems, happiness, uncertainty, etc. and we're there for each other.
But how do I become intimate with something that's perfect? A few friends suggested the answer may be faith.
Candidly, I don't really understand what they mean, but I did nod my head in agreement (hiyo!). But I suppose some level of faith that my god is working in my life does create a relationship.
I certainly can't lie to my god because it knows everything about me.
It's a bit confusing. But this is clear, if I can bring the experience I had with my Mom into my relationship with god, therein lies an infinite reward.
I threw out a facebook status that said: My deepest desire is that everyone (including me) feels loved.
I am working in SBUX right now facing the window. I'm going in and out of being gripped about a long time issue that I'm dealing with in my life. The issue itself is actually quite unimportant.
Anyway, I looked up from my computer and noticed a group of mentally handicapped children/adults walking in a line holding hands 2x2 on the street. One child was very young. The 2 or 3 adults monitoring them were both patient and seemingly happy.
Two thoughts came to mind:
This happened about 30 minutes ago and this aching feels so real. I know that each of them is on whatever path God set them on and that it's the way it should be.
That doesn't stop this almost overpowering urge for them to feel loved. Candidly, this type of thought has sometimes pushed me to some really dark places. Personalizing wider PERCEIVED suffering is not a happy, happy, joy, joy way to live.
But perhaps widely wishing something is some kind of way to distract myself from the possiblity that it's something I ache for and don't really feel at the depths of my own soul.
I know I have the capacity to feel loved and as humans I doubt that's any different for the people I saw walking by. And you know what? In some ways they may actually be happier than most, who knows?
One thing is absolutely true for me: Everyone deserves love.
The only answer, the only power that saves any of us is the power of love, and everyone deserves to feel it.
I've been considering the insidious and paralyzing aspects of fear in my life. Most of the time my fears seem to be self-centered and often have been programmed into me by people, media, etc. in my life. Living in fear has led me down some really awful paths (and yes, from time to time it works well at an instinctual level).
I then thought about how fear manifests in my relationship with Zoe. When she was tiny she had to totally trust me and safety was more about keeping her fed, changed, etc. When I carried her around she was totally trusting. Until, of course she developed that full body electric worm move that toddlers use to wriggle out of parents' arms and onto the ground when she first started walking.
I get that there are some basic things that I needed to teach her when she was really young (don't touch a hot stove, don't talk to strangers, etc.). But as she's growing I feel like we're in this dance to teach her about relationships of all types.
Sometimes I'm scared out of romantic relationships for fear of hurting or getting hurt. She doesn't have romantic relationships....yet, she does have a number of others.
I feel almost trapped by my own experiences in relationships (with mom, dad, siblings, friends, etc.). Like if I give her my own advice I may somehow intend it to be the "way".
Can I trust that for example, that she can learn a way that is common across any relationship? (Being compassionate, for example.)
I also fully understand that she will get older and eventually her way won't have a ton to do with me (or will it??). I just hope along the way that I'll have the presence and strength to inject more love than fear into her way of living.
Admitting to myself that I'm human is a rather interesting experience. What seems so natural, is, well, confusing. How often I try to deny that I am....
For example, I've historically been horrible on myself with making mistakes. But isn't making mistakes part of the gig? Granted I've put myself in positions before where I was set up to make mistakes.
Take my career to date. For reasons too complicated to explain I became an accountant. My resume makes me perfectly qualified to do something that I absolutely hate. (yes, I said hate...) So, I would take the jobs, do really well at first and then the mistakes would come and the self imposed beatings would begin.
Actually, regardless of the mistake I'm hard on myself. You know why? Because I've been super worried about how other people think about it.
Curiously, I'm pretty easy on my daughter knowing that she makes mistakes either because she doesn't know better or she's just human. It's ok I tell her we all make mistakes. Wow, if I could only tell myself the same.
Embracing my humanness certainly connects me at some level to everyone else. We're all human. But what if they, like me, are super hard on themselves? And so far the only person to tell me they aren't was my psychiatrist....makes me wonder.
I can see myself using the excuse that "I'm human" to address a lot of lazy or self-centered behavior. That doesn't feel authentic.
I'm hoping that the more I embrace the fact that I'm human the more closely I can come to my divinity. Now that's a proposition worth working towards.
Today I decided to lay down on the Marina Green in SF to enjoy the sun. Shortly before I left a beautiful couple dressed up arrived.
I asked them if they wanted me to take a pic of them. I found out that they had JUST gotten married at the Civic Center. They were waiting for their photographer but wanted me to take a picture of them on their iphone, apparently to let their friends/family know that they just got married.
I decided to drive to Safeway and bought them a nice (I think) bottle of champagne and a boquet of flowers. While I can't say this is always how I behave, doing it is really who I am at my deepest level.
I've always been good about this stuff.
I brought the gifts back to them and they couldn't have been happier. I got hearty hugs from both of them. I clearly touched them.
The photographer snapped a photo but I didn't. The fact is that I flat forgot to take a pic. But the reality is all I really wanted to remember was the feeling.
The feeling of thinking of someone else. The feeling of doing something expecting nothing in return. My heart came out of my chest.
Honestly, I couldn't hold that very well and only stayed for a minute or so. But the feeling continues to fill my heart and soul with joy and warmth.
I couldn't be luckier.
A few years ago I went through what I guess would be called an existential crisis. I spent a few months doing everything short of wearing all black and smoking cigarettes with with those long plastic holders.
Guess what I figured out about it? Nothin.
I'm not at all suggesting that life means nothing. All I'm saying is that the pursuit of the answer is about as frustrating and useless as an Anthony Weiner tweet.
I read Viktor Frankl, I meditated, I boozed and I thought for hours. Nothin.
After all, finding meaning in something that already happened, is happening or will happen after all is just a guess.
Honestly, don't you think if someone knew the meaning of life, they would share it with and include everyone. Sort of like, if some group figured out the way to salvation wouldn't they include everyone? Oops....
So for now I'm content with leaving the Meaning of Life to the blokes of Monty Python.
Oh, and if you figure it out, keep it to yourself....
The week of intending on being a channel of peace was, actually like a lot of other weeks.
I clicked from my channel of peace to discontent. It's so clear to me, when I'm not at peace it's frequently related to my interpretation of events in my life that happen.
I clicked from that channet to fear. I spent quite a bit of time worrying about what's to come.
I clicked from there to shame. I spent quite a bit of time regretting things I'd done in the past.
I tried writing "Channel of Peace" on pages when I was in a long meeting...oy! That didn't work so well. I tried saying it over and over and....that didn't work so well.
The main thing I learned this week is the reception on my Peace Channel is directly impacted by the strength of my faith in God. (Wow, that doesn't come out very often, at least not publicly.) Admittedly, there's more to all of this, but just getting back to the blogging world recently, the words will flow a bit haltingly for now.
And I'm at peace with that. :)
For the next twelve weeks or so I'm going to focus on one line in the beautiful St. Francis poem each week and try to manifest it in my life. My intention is that hopefully I can be even closer or more helpful to people in my life.
Finding peace in my life is nothing short of a challenge. My mind and body are often like the Simpsons pinball game. It's all kinds of bumpers, flippers, tunnels, noises and lights. Honestly I think my best odds of being a channel of peace will be practicing it with other people.
I don't think with life as it is that I can meditate into this.
I'll practice listening. I'll be careful to remember that we all hurt in some way. (Wow if I can actually do just those two for this week a few times, it will be more than worth it.)
Sometimes peace comes through me without trying (commonly with Zoe). Sometimes peace is elusive when I DO try.
I'll do my best this week and that's all I can ask.
I was chatting with a friend today and I realized how much I missed the beauty and rewards of blogging. Admittedly, when I first started doing this, I shared EVERYTHING. And a year or two ago, I un-published (is that a word??) a thread of posts that were way too revealing.
I feel like as soon as I took that step, I quickly skidded downhill to a point where I didn't feel like I should share anything. Or even worse, that perhaps I need to be "right on" or "moving" with each post. My arch nemesis ego moved in swiftly and without remorse to cut me off. I started to become a slave to my "personal brand" as its called, which to me is a euphemism for ego.
I fear vulnerability, I'm not unique that way. But it's amazing how this fear increaseed since I stopped blogging.
Given my wide reaching audience of 3-5 people, I realize that my main audience started as and is only myself. If it so happens to reach or touch anyone else, great! (And my experience has been that it has, in the most unexpected of ways.)
But if it doesn't, it's ok, because I realize that I blog to bring more love into the world, and that's about me and my actions.
I start from today and do my best from there. It's not always pretty, but it is my journey.
My wonderful daughter is in Ireland with her mom, stepdad and sister. Every year her school has a select group of kids get in front of the whole school and give a memorized speech.
She happen to lose the copy of her speech while she was there. Virtually without thinking I told her I'd get it and instinctively I got in the car to go get it after hanging up.
It felt great to do it for her. Granted our relationship is unique in my life as Zoe is my only child. However, I learned that I have the capacity to give without thinking twice.
Given that, it seems to me that I can make that happen in the rest of my life. I know I can do it, now I just have to. There''s no good reason not to.