OK, I'm having PEN (Pre-Empty Nest) mental and emotional cramps. The time with my daughter is just slipping away too quickly. This amazing human being of pure light who I held in arms who HAD to completely trust me as a newborn is ALREADY this beautiful, bright, happy, goofy, authentic, funny and, yes, at times confusing and difficult girl.
It's like no time in my life has the type of context that these 12 years have had. it's not like 4 years of high school or 4 years of college because that was mostly me changing without the benefit of seeing it in someone else.
I wish we could all think of a word stronger than love that I feel for her (a friend once said it's "at a cellular level" which really resonated with me). And I get this regular gift of having her as a part of my life (physically in particular).
I have this person in my life who I feel I can be completely myself for and with. I can pour my heart into our relationship without fear. Yes, I do have fears sometimes about her security and well being but I don't fear showing her my heart because in reality she probably still has the ability to see what it's really saying anyway.
I have this person in my life that I can completely laugh and cry with. It's a relationship with a level of responsibility that can't be replicated anywhere. Yes, you could say that some of these things I could find with a girlfriend/wife, but not all of them and definitely not in the same way.
Her happiness is not dependent upon me (although it has quite an impact on it). I'd like to say that my happiness is not dependent upon her but I don't think I can. I mean, why am I fighting back tears as I type this (and not completely winning that fight)?
I come into relationships knowing that I have to be complete in myself and not expect someone to complete me. I've never consciously expected that from Zoe, but in some way I feel, unknowingly, she completes me. It's totally confusing. The relationship that I need to model completeness the most is the one where I seem to be having the most difficulty.
And perhaps this is what I fear most in my empty nest. I won't have her regularly, physically in my life. Every time I've told people how old she is over all those years I've heard "That's a great age". And they were right by the way, every age has been great. Will 18 or 25 or 35 be a great age too?
I'd like to end this post with some type of uplifting thought like "as long as I'm in the moment...." or "ultimately everything will be ok...." or somethng else like this. But today, in this moment I feel emotionally overwhelmed by the time that just keeps slipping away too quickly (maybe I should stop listening to I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO....).
I want time to stop but I can't. I want more than 24 hours in a day, but that's never going to happen.
There will be days when I'm grateful for the beauty and pain that my amazing daughter brings me in my life, but today isn't one of them. Quite selfishly, I want what I know isn't possible with her and it hurts.
It's been an awful long time since I've had a serious girlfriend. I've date fairly regularly but have never actually introduced someone to my daughter. I've met women who are my "type" but would not be suitable to bring into her life. I've met women who aren't my "type" who would be suitable.
And I feel, to a certain extent, I seem to be getting more, not less picky. I can't quite give in to the idea of intro'ng her to to someone I've gone on just a few dates with.
I've also had this prevailing notion that her having me "all to herself" was something she really valued. Well we had a chat this weekend which dispelled that notion. She talked about how it would be cool to have another parent of sorts in her life (her mom has remarried to a really cool guy).
Here's the meta-issue, over the past several years (and for those of you who've been with me through the dark years, you get it) I have not been what I would consider to be commitment worthy material. I'm moving the scale towards being more that guy.
But I realize that I have to give a lot of myself in a relationship so is it possible that I'm afraid of not always being able to giving myself 100% to her. Maybe I don't want to share her.
Or maybe I just don't want to share me, who knows? But I think at some level she sees what her mom has with her new husband and she wants something similar for me. And that would be right on track with what I love about her and what makes her the special daughter that she is.
Yesterday my daughter got ready for Easter Mass (w/ mom of course...) at my place. After getting ready she walked into the room where I was and my girl took my breath away. She had her hair up in a side-ish pony tail kind of look. She walked in like the confident girl I know her to be. I know I'm not the most objective in the world however she looked stunningly beautiful and I told her. I told her how her beauty just radiates.
And I realized that she's starting to look like a young woman. Admittedly she's maturing faster than some of the other girls in her class and that's not always the best thing. Regardless, she's amazing and she seems to be handling that fact. She carries her beauty in this sort of care-free way. She knows she's beautiful (she knows how to take my compliment thank goodness), but she doesn't flaunt it. It's a little disarming to be honest because I still get a little shook when I get the reminders that my little girl is growing up.
My heart is so full when I see her radiant. I'm convinced she carries it as such not only because she's physically attracted but that she also has the warm, wonderfully, goofy and endearing heart that she shares with the world.
She's a gift for me in different ways every day. And I'm so happy that yesterday I didn't future trip into what it means, I just appreciated it for exactly what it was.
It's official, I'm totally Norcal just by the title of this post. But the idea is really straightforward when I'm learning new things I'm better off going to kindergarten before I go to the Masters program.
I'm in the middle of a career change wherein I want to leverage my very best skill sets. I'm like, totally likeable and know how to develop really good relationships. I'm a people person and I'm smart. I like to be goofy at times as well. So it makes perfect sense that I've been an accountant all my life right??
Not anymore. And so as I embark on this journey of change I have to remember take it slow but keep moving forward. Don't do cobra and move onto crow, I'm asking for trouble.
I know I want it and want it bad, but I also know that I'm not in charge of the results, I'm in charge of the action and for now cobra is working just fine.
OK, I'm a big sap, I know it. I get Misty more than Johnny Mathis ever did.
Here's the deal, when Zoe was about 3 years old we were driving and the song Part of This World from the Little Mermaid came on. Now, we had done plenty of sing-song-ing up to that point. Itsy Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus and so on. And it usually started with me initiating it and her singing along.
However, this time, in the middle of the song, she belted out the lyrics "Flippin' your fins you won't get to far" out of nowhere. It sent a warm flow of light through my body and I told her how awesome it was that she did it.
Now, EVERY time I hear that song I get, well, misty. But it's not just that one, it's Daughters, it's Tiny Dancer, and on and on that get me.
This week while we drove into school we held hands and sang "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell (me singing the male part, her singing the female part). ANOTHER one!!!
As I get older, I'm becoming MORE, not less of a sap. And guess what? I couldn't be happier!!
I just finished reading this book by Mindy Kaling and, it feels kind of weird saying this but it's true, it was a "wonderfully vivacious romp through the life of a woman who just knows she's the "real" it because lots of those who think they are its are like, totally lame, particularly if they look cuter than her in that dress that Mindy totally wants to wear".
I put that in quotes because I secretly hope that Mindy Kaling will read this post and like totally put it on the cover of one of the books when it's translated into some other language.
Then like, she'll totally want to know more about me because I really "get it" and wow, I really see that you have writing talent. Ok, enough of that, if you read the book you'll get why I'm going off like this, it's actually kind of fun. :)
I admit that it was fun riding the bus from the Marina with this book out because the women gave me very curious looks and that was cool. But in the end, I loved it because the book is really fun, really short and really worth it.
Read the book, you'll get it
My relationship/friendship with God has taken an interesting turn. For the majority of my life I ascribed the capital letter G to God out of fear and necessity I guess. It was a sort of forced exultation. And apparently he was the only one around. He was kind of like this ultimate bouncer. Because he decided who got in to the club and who didn't.
And as far as I could tell, he didn't only let in slutty looking hot chicks immediately and leave an average looking, likeable fellow like me in purgatory until I bribed him or until he looked at me and just said...dude, you are so going to hell. He was that friend I could never really "connect" with but basically I had to say I knew him because everyone else I knew said they did. And I always had to go hang out at his house to see him once a week.
Then we had kind of a break-up. I decided that instead of trying to be God's groupie, that I was going to ignore him entirely. Fine dude, if I ONLY can see you at your place, then I'm just going to do my "own thing". So I started seeing other people.
I hung out with this one spirit that was a like a colorful liquid rainbow slowly advancing life. I spent some time with this man/woman combo type thing for a while. I even spent some time without a God because I figured I knew best.
It was cool because they came over to my place and I never felt rejected by any of them because they weren't really "friends" per se, they were just people that told me whatever I was doing was fine, even though it wasn't so fine.
So I came back to someone I decided to call god. And this god was super cool. god handled a ton of stuff for me that I couldn't handel myself. And god knew its place because by not capitalizing its name, it no longer was better than me or getting what I deemed to be a forced term of admission that goes beyond someone's regular name.
Just recently it changed again. I've decided to call God God. But see God's name could be Bill or Juan or Herbert. It's just the name of my friend. And like Bill or Mohammed (the most popular name on earth, THANK YOU Superbad) a lot of other people I know can be friends with someone named God too.
This friend however has a few twists. God doesn't get all worked up if I don't call. Actually, the only who seems to get worked up when I don't call God is me.
God comes over whenever I want, but ironically, even when I don't want God is still there, but not in that like annoying dude who always wants to be around me because he saw me do stand up comedy "that one time".
My friend God seems to always know how things are going to turn out and he knows they will always turn out ok. It's cool though because I can watch a movie with God and he won't be like "OMG, it's so cool when they find out that the letter was actually written by HER, not his ex-wife" (THANK YOU Silver Linings Playbook). When I start freaking out, he's the cool one who says, dude, it's all good trust me and while sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, it is all good.
My friend God has a ton of other great qualities, but the best one of all is my friend God will never leave me. I can get like super pissed or like talk bad about him to other peeps (come on dude, ANOTHER war, WTF???) and he's still like it's ok Tim that you talked me down. My friend God doesn't talk to me about other peeps who have other friends like my friend God and say that they are like totally fucked come time death rolls around, I'm down with that.
God's the friend that is everything I've ever dreamed of and some things I've never even thought of. God digs me and I dig him, he ain't heavy, he's my brother (THANK YOU the Hollies).
And brother, what a friend God is.
My daughter just turned 12 and I'm feeling this spectrum of emotions. The emotions are often triggered by some of the things she says or does, both big and small. And when I notice these things it's as if I'm simultaneously grateful and, in some ways, sad.
For example, for a small thing, while at her birthday party I noticed she was talking with one of her friends. Throughout the conversation she had her arm around her shoulders. It's often how I talk to friends to create or acknowledge intimacy. In the end, who knows whether she is consciously doing this but it felt so, I don't know, grown up.
A big thing for example, was when we were in an argument and she had the presence of mind and maturity to tell me that I wasn't letting her express her feelings. She was completely right and it hit me right to the core. Her ability to be confident and stand up for herself in that moment felt really grown up.
I'm super grateful because I see her learning and using ways of relating and connecting that are definitely meaningful and effective. It fills my heart to know that she can both connect with someone in such a simple way with her arm around her friend and stay connected to her truth in her words and intentions to me.
I feel great that she's learned the skill now what does she do with it? I told her, for example, if ever anyone tells you that they don't want to hear about or care about your feelings that it's a really good sign to stand even stronger in that moment and ultimately find someone else who does.
I guess I'm a little sad because the teaching of the skill is such a huge leap the sharpening of the skill feels, I don't know, less impactful on a day to basis. And every day, I'm noticing little and big things that shows me she's growing up and I'm doing my best to get closer to her in that reality rather than further away. I really have to remember, though, it's not about me, it's about her.
Last night was another edition of one of my favorite nights of the year, the daddy daughter dance. There's something downright magical about going to a daddy/daughter dance with my daughter. I get to see all the sweetness, joy, happiness and love that makes her magnificent.
As I would expect she spent time with her friends. But she asked me tons of times to come out and dance with her (and I danced with her a few times even without the invite....). And yes, there was one song that I danced to by myself. (It's called Thrift Shop by Macklemore and it ROCKS!!!!)
It was high octane young girls totally fun and screaming energy at times which was great to be around. There is something almost inspirational about seeing them just goofing off having a ton of fun with relatively less self-consciousness without the boys around. They just sink into being themselves.
The big payoff was when they played Daughters by John Mayer. My daughter wrapped her hands around me and leaned into my body. It felt like she completely surrendered to my love, protection, understanding, reliability, appreciation and all the other things that make being her dad feel so good.
When I felt that my heart grew 10x. I felt totally accepted because with all of my faults and mistakes I'm me. I felt totally appreciated because with all of my goofiness and affection I'm me. I'm Zoe's dad and she's my daughter.
I felt a surge of emotions that nearly had me in tears on the dance floor.
I told a friend that night that I often think that Zoe is everything to me and sometimes I'm not sure that's the best thing. I can feel it being too much when I realize I only have 2 more of these dances for us until high school.
But last night I dove into that feeling that this happy and amazing girl who has faults like everyone else is everything to me and I accept and love her for everything that she is, no need to change. It felt so pure and real. And something about that made all of the other stuff that I let distract me in life just fade away.
I'm amazed at how negative my thinking is before 6 am most days. I spend way more time than I care to share tearing myself down, unnecessarily. It's a fairly tortuous onslaught of memories, thoughts, projections and all the related fears.
I often choose to employ spiritual tools like prayer (or non-spiritual tools like Netflix...) to combat it because on my own I feel like I don't have a chance. "It" will win.
This morning as the thought minions attacked, for the first time I visualized this dark side basically emerging from my body. Visually it was a like an outlined being in full black, like a 3-D chalk figure hovering above me. It occassionally showed a recognizable form. For example, the face of Killer Bob from Twin Peaks showed itself (props to the old and cool schoolers who know this reference without having to Google it!!).
When I felt this darkness peel away from my body and confront me I felt this unrecognizable lightness in myself. I felt warm and safe. My body felt loose and unburdened.
While, I could keep the darkness at bay but it always seemed to slide back in. When I saw it or it crept back in I tried to embrace it or even call it an old friend.
But for the first time I really felt that this incarnation of darkness is only a collection of my thoughts and it's not real. I've intellectuatlized that before, but never felt it. At the same time, I am having difficulty separating it because it feels so me and the lightness feels so not me.
Conditioning is a bitch!!!