My all time favorite Jokes

Interesting pictures

2009-10-22T08:53:00.001-05:00

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Square testicles

2009-10-21T12:28:00.001-05:00

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money... She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
Square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'

I love it when someone sticks it to a lawyer.

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How To Wake A Drunk Friend

2009-10-18T21:56:00.001-05:00

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Remembering Rodney Dangerfield

2009-10-18T21:43:00.001-05:00

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ...........

Because he said ...

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly.. they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of
had anything to play with.

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Safety at work

2009-10-16T11:04:00.001-05:00

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SAFETYATWORK.PPS (2736 KB)

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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

2009-10-15T16:46:00.001-05:00

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,

Lifted the lady's dress and
Began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - -

And I was in the wrong one.


Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's

Anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' ... Replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr.. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when

I told a wife that her husband had died of a

Massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had died

Of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . . I asked.

'The patch .... The Nurse told me to put a new one

On every six hours and

Now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and

Discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
The old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered ......

'Why, not for about twenty years -

When my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr.. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .

'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly,

Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when

A young woman with purple hair styled into a

Punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,

And wearing strange clothing, entered . . .

It was quickly determined the patient had

Acute appendicitis,

So she was scheduled for immediate surgery..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating
Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote

A short note on the patient's dressing which said

'Sorry . . .. Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name

      AND FINALLY!! ! . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . ..

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB ,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams...

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing

This exam suddenly burst out laughing,

Further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.   .
'I'm sorry.. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard .. . .
'No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name...

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real tombstones

2009-10-13T14:11:00.001-05:00

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SCHOOL BUS

2009-10-12T14:23:00.001-05:00

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN

SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA

But where did you call when you have a technical problem with your computer?
Japan or India ?

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Top ten caddy lines

2009-10-11T19:34:00.001-05:00

---> > > #10 > > Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself > in the lake." > > Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down > that long?" > > > > # 9 > > Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to > break 100 on this course." > > Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved > most of the earth." > > > > # 8 > > Golfer: "Do you think my game is > improving?" > > Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much > closer now." > > > > # 7 > > Golfer: "Do you think I can get there > with a 5 iron?" > > Caddy: "Eventually." > > > > # 6 > > Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy > in the world." > > Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would > be too much of a coincidence." > > > > # 5 > > Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch > all the time. It's too much of > > a distraction." > > Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a > compass." > > > > # 4 > > Golfer: "How do you like my game?" > > Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I > prefer golf." > > > > # 3 > > Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play > on Sunday?" > > Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin > on any day." > > > > # 2 > > Golfer: "This is the worst course I've > ever played on." > > Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We > left that an hour ago." > > > > AND the #1 best caddy comment: > > > > Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too > old." > > Caddy: "It's been a long time since we > teed off, sir!" > > >

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A few jokes. How unusual!

2009-10-11T19:18:00.001-05:00

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." How 'bout them computers!

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a release stating:

" If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Everytime they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car
windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would just accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.

5. The airbag system would ask "Are you SURE?" before deploying.

6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

   According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and practiced applying it in the school's hallway
bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of messy little lip prints to
be cleaned-up.
   Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back.
   Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man.
   She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every evening.
   To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
   He took out a long-handled sponge-pad/squeegee tool, casually dipped it
in the nearest toilet several times, - ceremoniously shook-off the excess
liquid; then artfully scoured all the lipstick smudged mirrors with it. ---
   Since that demonstration , there have been no more lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Long ago, all evening after doing all her chores, a hard-bitten farm woman
was working on her kitchen table with scraps of paper and a pencil stub
under an old smoky, dim, oil lamp, completing a jingle --- to win a large
cash prize from Carnation Milk. --- It was to be completed in 50 words or
less. Carnation furnished the first line, --- "I like Carnation best of
all....."

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk
representative came to her door and told her entry was the best, but it
couldn't be published. However, they were giving her a consolation award of
$1,000.

Here is her entry:

I like Carnation best of all,
no tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch.
Just punch a hole in the sonofabitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch
TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked,
Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

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pass_out.jpg (490×348)

2009-10-09T16:28:00.001-05:00

via freefunnypixs.com

Choose your drinking buddies carefully!!

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NEW!!

2009-10-09T11:26:00.001-05:00

Get free photo software from Windows Live Click here.

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Why European Newspapers Are More Fun To Read

2009-10-08T08:16:00.001-05:00

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Only IN.....

2009-10-08T08:14:00.001-05:00

Only in India

Only in Pakistan

Only in Bangladesh

Only in Japan

Only in Indonesia

Only in Thailand

Only in Australia

Only in Texas

Only in Hawaii

Only in China

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Yoga in India VS. Missouri

2009-10-08T00:45:00.001-05:00

THERE ARE TWO BASIC TYPES OF YOGA
1. YOGA FROM INDIA

AND

2. YOGA FROM MISSOURI

____________________________________________________________

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Now showing at a Wal Mart near you.

2009-10-07T12:33:00.001-05:00

www.favjokes.poserous.com

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lawyer joke

2009-10-07T10:21:00.001-05:00

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,
well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want to see Natalie", the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps
someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie".
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charges $1000.00 per visit.
Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her
ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man
calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights
in a row
and that there were no discounts....it was still $1000.00 a visit.
Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour
later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used
my services three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia".
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there".
"Yes, I know", said the man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3000.00 inheritance".

MORAL:
Some things in life are certain:
Death
Taxes
Being screwed by an attorney.

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How To Wake A Drunk Friend

2009-10-06T23:11:00.001-05:00

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DrunkFriendAlarmClock.wmv (1730 KB)

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Bad drivers

2009-10-06T23:03:00.001-05:00

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OOPS.pps (1372 KB)

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Food thieves in the workplace?

2009-10-04T13:25:00.001-05:00

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I don't care how good the food is, I ain't eating there!

2009-10-04T10:45:00.002-05:00

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The people of Wal-Mart #2

2009-10-04T10:29:00.001-05:00

These people live and walk among us......Every day.......Some even drive cars

Off to Wallyworld

It could be you.........Nahhh.............Is this the middle class that Nancy Pelosi so afraid of.?........me too

My Tarot cards says she is shopping for 1.
Harrisburg, PA

Don’t worry about where the baby is.
Richmond, VA

Like a bad western movie but worse.Early Halloween?
Somewhere in GA

Oh how I could sing the songs of wonder that danced through my head when I saw this. >From the knock-off air jordans, to the acid wash jeans, the potbelly hanging out under the game jersey, the hospital wrist band, the half mullet…I could go on for hours about the happiness I got from catching this mythical beast on camera, but instead, as so many before me have done, I will let the picture speak my thousand words
Location Unknown

I…Aahh…..umm…..ya……I.. I ain’t got nothin. Speechless
Clifton Park, NY

I have to assume that this guy, in a fit of rage after a monster truck rally or tractor pull, ripped off his sleeves and then went to Wal-Mart to get a few cases of beer to enjoy on the couch on his front porch.
la Grange Tx

How cute and cuddly are those stuffed…….OH MY GOD!
Washington DC

Kind of glad we don’t get a glimpse of the front…
Hammond, Louisiana

Is it even legal to look this good? Al Gore?
Yuba City, CA

This guy was the complete package:
- Faded forearm tattoos. CHECK
- Country/Western shirt from 1987. CHECK
- Stylish goatee, braided at chin. CHECK
- Do rag not covering up mullet. CHECK
- Pen in shirt pocket. WTF???
Corinth, Tx

Britney spears let herself go…….again.I'm getting hot...
Louisville, KY

Even when mullets were in style this would have been considered a tad much.
That is a guy........Glendora, Ca

Its like it has its own personality.
Johnson City, TN

pimpin ain’t easy at the walmart
Owensboro, Ky

Seriously? It belongs to the guy above...
Renton, WA

Just a goat shopping at Walmart…….I don’t see what’s so funny
Page, Arizona

What are the chances of finding shorts to match that shirt? What are the chances of finding a girl to talk to a guy who found shorts to match that shirt? Maybe at Walmart...
Conway, SC

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cats (and a few dogs) these are GREAT

2009-10-04T10:21:00.001-05:00

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cats (and a few dogs) these are GREAT

2009-10-03T22:31:00.001-05:00

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There, I fixed it!

2009-10-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

Always be kinder than necessary.

Everybody is fighting some kind of spiritual battle.

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