My Angel Son

Thoughts and pics My true Loves

2015-11-27T08:49:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I've written here. I think back when days going by and how my life is so much changed. I see where others so happy but I try to live my life as best as I can losing to sons is a Heartache no mother should go through. Having another son away during the holidays makes things so much harder for me. I love my boys they are my life I'm lucky to have good friends and family good job my fur babies but there's a piece of my heart it's missing it's always going to be missing and there's nothing I can do to change that. But I try to help other people who may need just to feel that understanding and knowing the challenges that life will bring on to you as you do. Going thru living to murder drug overdose I try I'm here. So this blog I'm going to dedicate to just pictures and graphics and the love I see for my boys from so many. I love you Joey Clark I love you Timmy Clark I love you Matt Clark you are the reason while I'm still living you were the reason why I keep going you are my rock you always be my rock I don't think you realize how much Matthew that you're being here for me you have kept me going. Even through these hard times and having you with me. You are a good man and always have been and always will be always remember that and always remember I love you so much and always will.

Another day, another Easter

2015-03-30T15:23:00.000-04:00

Well today is March 30, 2015. Easter Sunday is next week. Another holiday that throws me under the bus. I don't like the way my life has become. Sad and lonely. I'm so glad I have my sister and my nieces and nephews. Glad to have great F/B friends. It seems a lot of my friends have gone and left me. I try not to show my despair. I always fake the smile. I laugh at jokes and joke back. So why am I left out of everything anymore. I guess I'm still that leper. When Timmy was first killed that's how I felt at work. But so many people supported me and helped me through all those hard awful days. But when Joey died, that was different. Why? Is it become he OD'd? Didn't people see how much my son suffered? He id'd Timmy laying in the street, he took that burden off of me as he didn't want that image burnt in my brain. He swore they mistook Timmy for him, as he was with his friend, he had his shirt on (one that Joey never wore). For 14 agonizing months! When they found out the truth that they were after Dame and Timmy was a "casualty of war", it was too late. Joey was already lost! He became despaired. He went away for about a little over a year and came home like a new person! He was doing great, went back to school was doing great there, he was big and healthy and smiled all the time. Then the trial came. Well he couldn't handle it. And some "nice" (sarcastic) friend in the neighborhood introduced him to herion. My baby was shotting up drugs. I didn't know it for a few months. Then me and his brother did everything we could to get him help. Went to so many rehabs. Nothing! Finally, he was locked up for about 30 days, he came home clean and stayed clean for the most part. But one night, and they were have such a great time. Supposed to go to a party, I gave him money, the guy never showed up to take them, it was pouring out. Everyone stayed at my house, listening to music, playing video games, joking around. I went to bed. He came up stairs and said "hey mom, I told you don't go to bed without give me a hug and a kiss goodnight". I said sorry Joe I'm tired. He came over as I layed in bed, gave me a kiss and a sideways hug and as he walked out of my room, and I still see it in my head to this day, he turned and said "I love you mom". I said I love you too Joey. My last words. I blame the murderers who took my Timmy, indirectly took my Joey. He relapsed that night, I don't know why. Maybe cause Timmy's angel day was the next month. His brother found him. My only son left. My heart has been broken. But I hold up a front for my only son. We have gone down so many bad days, years, birthdays, holidays, you name it. And then after all those years from Timmy I felt I was getting to the point I could handle it. Now I start grief all over again with Joey. I just wish people could understand. I just wish things would be the same. Summer is upon us and I know what I'll do. NOTHING! Because that is how my life has become, I feel like nothing. But you'll never know it. I'll still smile, I'll still laugh at jokes, I'll joke back. I'm fierce and loyal. I'll fake it until I make it that's my motto!!! But I will NEVER stop talking about my sons. Maybe that's why? People feel funny? I don't know, but I'm not stopping. I beg for stories from their friends. I love getting new pictures I've never seen. It's like opening up a Christmas present for me, and to those wonderful friends I say thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Another Christmas

2014-12-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

its been so long since I wrote here. I feel like my life has become nothing but sadness. How does one go through losing two sons. Enjoy birthdays holidays ??? Now my only son left is in jail. Why? Drugs. His brother died in his arms. His pop pop died 4 months later. He was injured had 2 foot surgeries and became addicted to the pain pills but it turned out to be not ennui ugh to numb his pain. He was in the army national guard. He wanted to make that a career. Now because of his foot he could do the ruck marches. He's so smart. Loves history and math. He could have done anything. Any of my boys could. But those murderers destroyed my family. I know I can't keep that anger in my heart but I can't help it. Now here o am at Xmas by myself. Alone in my misery. I try n smile oh I'm ok. I fool ppl a lot. I have to. I have to move one foot ahead of each other even if it's one minute at a time. I love my boys. I can't stand not having any of them here. I can't decorate. I can't feel the holiday spirit. But I will be strong for him. My Matt bi love unconditionally as I do all my boys. Until the end of time.

Spring?

2014-04-24T15:53:00.001-04:00

Well the winter is over (sort of) the weather keeps going up and down. Some days it's nice some days windy and chilly. It was Easter last weekend and I went to the the flower store to get a flower for my sons grave. After my Joey died they didn't grow back, the flowers I had planted for Timmy. Of course because they had to dig the grave for my oldest son. I was thinking this on my way home, I just started to cry. Here I am thinking how pretty this flower is and how nice it would look since no flowers will grow that I've already planted, and it's Easter when I should be buying candy, filling up Easter baskets.

When Timmy was 14 years old I didn't make any Easter baskets. When he woke up and come downstairs he asked me where are the Easter Baskets. So I said well I figured you guys where to old for baskets, he said mom, you're never too old for Easter Baskets, please promise me next year you will get me one. I agreed! So the following year in 2007, I made all 3 boys a basket. Timmy was really happy. He even remembered and told me thanks mom I'm glad you made us baskets, I would have been really disappointed. So here I look at this flower and think, that was my last Easter with him. He was murdered in July 2007. I was glad I got him that basket, glad he told me you're never too old for candy. But it still hurts my heart knowing he is not here. And now missing my first Easter without my Joey. He liked to eat the dinner than eat the candy!!!! I feel cheated.

Racial Profiling?

2014-02-26T14:20:00.001-05:00

I am taking the idea of a "mom" friend and will be trying to post or add a pic each day as best as I can. As my life is so complicated, maybe one day it will be a good read for my son. Talking about my son, last night him and a friend went out to the store, (not in my area). His friend is black. Well they went to the store, and as they were leaving there was a police car in front of them. The cop car pulled over. Once my son passed this cop car, they pulled up behind him and put on their flashers!? Why? They weren't going fast, all lights are fine? They just came out of the store? So what's the problem? Of course they made them get out of the car, they searched my car like they were drug dealers, they went thru the little trash bag I keep because I don't like to litter and throw things out the window. The went thru the ash tray, my glove compartment, and they even checked his drink (he had just bought a "Monster"), of course they found nothing!!!! So why were they stopped??? I have no clue, they did not tell my son why they were stopped. I guess they felt that a white guy and a black guy can't drive in the same car unless they are drug dealers?????? Pissed me off because on top of that, the time they took searching my car, the headlights were on, all the doors open and it drained my battery so now after the cops so graciously leave, my son and his friend were stuck because the car battery went dead, plus with this cold weather doesn't help. They had to wait over an hour for another friend to come and jump them. Apparently my jumper cables don't work. So thank you Mr. Policeman, instead of looking for real criminals, you wasted your time on my son and his friend whose only vice was to go get a drink at the store and all the time you searched my vehicle that is fully insured and registered legally, you blew out my battery. Thank you for keeping me up to midnight worrying about him since I lost my other 2 sons tragically I worry all the time about him.

But that's my life and so another day begins.......................

Who is your hero?

2014-01-09T12:13:00.001-05:00

I was listening to a song by the Foo Fighters called "Hero" and was wondering who would I consider my hero??? When I was young it was my dad, of course every young girl thinks their dad is their hero. As I got a little older, it was my mom. She was the strength of the whole family. I saw it through more of a grown ups eye. Taking care of 6 kids, 2 handicapped sons. Life was hard on my mom. She died when she was 58 years old a year before the birth of my oldest son Joey. She never got to see any of my boys. Now I wonder, are there any true heros out there???? Well, now I have to say I have 3 heros. My 3 sons. First, Timmy. 15 years old. He had a hard time in school. he hated school. but he was a good kid. loved football and playing video games. Jumping on the trampoline was the best gift I ever got him. Him and his friends did all kinds of crazy stuff on that thing. I couldn't even watch sometimes it scared the crap out of me. Then in July 13, 2007 he was murdered. Anyone reading my blog would know how and when. Shot in the back of his head. I think often was he scared, what were his last thoughts, did he know how much I loved him. He is one true hero to me, and I believe to many of his friends and family. Because he was such a good person, kind heart, I always considered him an "old soul". He had the biggest prettiest blue eyes, and a killer smile with a big dimple. I miss that face and a laugh that would make you laugh with him, he had that addicting laugh!! Next would be my son Joey. My sweet first son, my true blessing as I thought I was never able to have children. Holding him the first time was such joy. As he grew up he was teased a lot because of his ears. He hated his ears. I told him as he grew his head would grow and his ears wouldn't so they'd fit just right as he got older!!! He had a hard time with things in life, started using drugs. Got in trouble with the law. Facing a trial when his brother was shot down like a dog in the street. He ID'd Timmy that night, no one was sure who it was. They came and got Joey who would not let them wake me up. That image burnt in his brain for the rest of his short life. He blamed himself all the time. He lost his friend too that night. Damian. Then he had to go away for a year. He did great when he got home. So proud of himself. Went back to trade school. But his friend he leant his car too got in an accident and totalled the car. He was devestated. He tried so hard in school but he was late all the time and it put a lot of stress on him. Then the trial came, that was the beginning to the end. He never got over that trial. he would cry all the time for his brother, himself, for me and for his other brother Matt. He had a good heart, he was crazy yes, I won't not admit that, he defended himself and his family. He'd defend his friends to the end. He never backed down. But he was a good person, he had a great sense of humor, but a broken heart. No one truly understood Joey. No one saw the pain he had. No one understood how lost he felt. But he kept on trying and to the end he still tried to do the best he could do. Only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart is thinking that God felt it was his time, he suffered too much, he is now one of God's warriors. My third hero, is my son Matt. He is such a smart guy. Always did great in school. Loves history and math. Has a beautiful smile. He is a good man. Joined the National Guard which was brutal some times. Then broke his foot in 10 places, awful ordeal. But now losing two brothers has left him beaten, fallen, coping as best he can. How can a 26 year old deal with this much loss and pain in their life I always wonder. He is the main reason why I am still standing. He is suffering terribly. But he still tries to smile that beautiful smile. He is trying so hard to keep it going, imagine losing two of your brothers???? Then he lost his pop-pop just not 2 months ago. I know how hard it is for me. Losing two sons, no mother should endure the pain of losing even one child!!!!! I can't imagine how hard it is for him, I see how it affects him. But he still gets up every day and does the best he can, he has troubles yes, but he shines on for me. I love them all with all my heart. I pray that Matt and I will get through this even with broken hearts, I want him to be happy and have a good life, raise a family. My three sons, my true heros.

Thanksgiving 2013

2013-11-26T13:23:00.001-05:00

I think I might try to come here more often and just write how crazy life is for me. Each day faced with new hurtles to get through. I don't know but there are times I feel that Timmy was like the glue that kept everything together, and now that he is gone we've all just fallen to the wayside. After losing my oldest son Joey, I start my grief anew again. It took 6 years to even start to go through Timmy's clothes. Now I face the hardship of looking at my Joey's things and saying no, I can't do this, not again. Now faced with the holidays I face more pain and sorry. Holidays without one son who was murdered at the age of 15 is sheer nightmare, but losing my oldest to relapsing due to his brother's murder is just a whole different pain. My heart is so torn apart. How does a family with 3 sons, turn to a family of one son. I worry about my remaining son. He is alone. I think of how when they were younger and would fight and I'd tell them how they need to stick together because if anything happened to me, they'd have each other. I'm glad to have my sisters and my one sisters girls, and their kids who I know will always be there for him. But it's just so heartbreaking. I don't know the turmoil my son goes through he doesn't talk about it much. I just know I worry about him. I cannot seem to want to face the holidays. Some days I just pretend they're not even just around the corner. Now here it is two days before Thanksgiving. And now to face not one empty placemat, but 2 empty placemats. How can that be fair? They say God gives you just enough to handle, well I think God needs to know I'm overburdened and cannot take anymore. I don't want to face the holidays again without my sons, without my oldest who so wanted a nice Christmas last year but things got a little screwed up and it didn't turn out the way it should have. I cry about that all the time. He didn't get the Christmas he wanted, now he is gone. I can see him in my minds eye, with that smile and saying let's get a real tree this year mom, it's going to be the best Christmas ever, I promise. I know he didn't mean to break his promise, it was taken from him.

My Joey

2013-10-09T17:14:00.003-04:00

It's been so long

2013-10-09T17:11:00.000-04:00

How do I write a post since it's been such a long time since I wrote here. And so many awful things to write about. On June 8th, 2013 I lost another son. My son Joey. He was my oldest. 27 years old. He relapsed. Let me tell you about my Joey. He was a good guy, he had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone. He had a great, dry sense of humor. He could tell you scriptures off the top of his head. He had hard times though. When his baby brother Timmy was murdered, he was going through a trial of his own. He was in a fight with an ex-friend, well this ex-friend who stole from us after we opened our home to him, and that is the reason why Joey got into the fight with him, pressed charges. he had his first court hearing the day we buried Timmy. (of course he couldn't go) But let me go back a bit to that night, he didn't wake me up, he went to id his brother laying on the pavement in a pool of blood. An image no 21 year old should have to endure, why? Because he didn't want me to have to do it. He didn't want me to bare the pain of that image embedded into his brain for the rest of his young life. He saved me from this. He went to jail only 3 months after Timmy was murdered. How do you grieve locked up?? You can't cry, you can't mourn. He was so scared, so upset and you can see how he declined, but he put up the image of I'm ok! He gained weight, he stopped using drugs, he went to a rehab where he had a wonderful counselor who knew what it was like to lose someone you love to murder. He came home. He wanted to move but i couldn't afford to move. I had to live in the same house where my son Timmy was killed right down the street. This affected both my sons. But more for Joey. He went to a trade school for auto mechanic he was doing great. Had a car, but then his friend that he let use it crashed it and totaled it. Then the trial came up. After the arrests were made, which took 14 months, my son always believed that they thought Timmy was him, because he had his shirt on and looked like each other. 14 months he endured the pain that his brother was killed for mistaken identity. But once we found out the truth that the friend Timmy was with who was Joey's friend, they were after because he was black and had a baby with a white girl. it was her brother and brother in law that killed them. Timmy was a "casualty of war" a "lose end", yes that's what they called him because he knew them. Well when the trial came up my son slipped into despair, forever fighting the urge of going back to doing drugs. But he fell into it anyway, but this time it was the bad stuff. I tried so hard to get him help, in and out of different rehabs. I even called his PO on him she had him arrested, he became clean again then to another place for outpatient, that still didn't help. But he tried so very very hard. He really did. But his soul was lost, he was sad, he suffered nightmares, and insomnia. he blamed himself for Timmy's death, he was so worried about never getting a job, not becoming somthing important. He worried that if he lost me, there would be no one left for him. He felt like no one loved him enough to be there for him, but yet he was so wrong. So many people did love him, he just didn't see it. That night on June 8th, after being clean for a long time, him and his other brother were playing video game. My other son wanted to go to bed, Joey begged him to stay up play one more game. No, his brother said, I'm tired. What made Joey go out that night and relapse? I'll never know. I just know I was woken up to sirens, (my son did not wake me up) after he went to bed, about an hour later he went down to get a drink and found his older brother unconcious. Still sitting in front of the TV where he was playing the game. he tried to revive him, he called 911, and he didn't wake me up. He too didn't want me to suffer the sight of another son being taken away. But I did wake up. I went downstairs and saw all these people in my living room and my son laying there while they worked on him. And my middle guy just standing there white as a ghost. They did everything and all I did was freak out. Not again, not again!!! My car was in the shop, when they took him to the hospital. My neighbor drove me to the hospital. When we got there, they took us to a room. I said to her this is not good why would they take us to a room they would have taken us to his bed, they did this to me with my brother when he died. Then 3 doctors came in, one asked for me by name, and sat down on the chair and said I'm so very sorry we tried everything we could. I lost it, I screamed I cried I got on my knees and begged him, please don't tell me my son died, I held his hands and begged and begged and he looked at me in sorrow. I got up and said I want to see my son then. They looked surprised? I dont' know why but they did. I went to his bedside and there laid my first born son, looking like he was asleep, but had been gone from me. I laid on top of him and cried and kissed his face and told him I love you, I love you, I love you. I kissed his hands, I rubbed his hair, I brushed the whiskers on his face. I shall never forget that day, just like the day my Timmy was murdered. To me, those 2 men who killed Timmy, inadvertently killed Joey. He never was able to go on in his life because of what happened to his baby brother, see he was the oldest son, he was supposed to protect him. In my eyes, they killed him too. I love you Joey, with all my heart and soul. You shall always be with me as your brother Timmy is. You shall never be forgotten.

Thanksgiving 2012

2012-11-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

Another holiday past and missing Timmy more each day. This is such a hard time of the year, not only for me, but my boys, my family and friends. Those who lost someone they love, or are sick, or having finanicial hard times. I keep you all in my prayers. I write this post not only for my son Timmy, but also for Kim one of my mom friends who died suddenly. She was one of the first mom's I met on a message forum called Mothers of Murdered Sons and Daughters. I made many good friends there and I love them all, they don't judge me, or think differenly of me because of my grief or tell me it's time to move on, it's been long enough. Kim used to carry Timmy's poster to any of the rally's or walks or remberance days with her and her daughter's Kaylin, that is something I will always treasure. And also for my dearest friend Melinda who lost another son, losing two sons, it's hard enough losing one, but two? I am amazed by her courage! I write these blogs not only in memory of Timmy, or some days just feeling bad for things that keep going wrong. Each day is something different to deal with, but I also want to try and remmeber to write about my good friends, and my great family who are always there for me. For my two boys who are going thru bad times, to tell them I love them and will always be here for them. I know they miss their brother, they are sad, not to many people realize it's hard for siblings TOO! We all deal with our pain in different ways, but it's always there, never leaving, maybe a moment of laughter, or a joke, it takes the heartache away for just one moment, but then they are the moments we need to hold on to because life is to short. I remember in the beginning I used to write a journal about Timmy and each day I'd write a memory of him. There are many and I'm so afraid of losing them. Sometimes my boys would tell me a story and I'd be like oh wow I didn't know that, or maybe one of his friends would tell me something funny he did and I'd laugh knowing something new about him. I don't want people to stop talking about him because they think it might hurt me or make me cry. I love hearing stories of him and the funny things he did, or even the stupid things he did it gives me more memories. 15 years is not enough memories to have, but those I do I hold onto so tightly. I'd like to think that speaking about him or the pain I've lived thru maybe can help someone else, knowing they are not alone. We are bound by our angels, bound by our love, bound by our familes and our other children who also grieve. Timmy loved this time of year, he loved the cold weather, the snow, the holidays. He loved Christmas and was the first to get up each morning even though when it was time for school you couldn't even get him out of bed, but Christmas he was up at 6am!!! Begging me to wake his brothers up and making him wait cause it was way to early! So now each time I write I'm going to try and write a memory any kind, good, bad, funny, crazy, etc. I hope that anyone who reads this it will put a smile on thier face and think of my son, and think of their children and cherish each memory whether good or bad, because they fade away so quickly. So my memory for today is: My neighbor's nephew was being punished, we live right next door to each other, our houses connect as we live in twins. Well he was good friends with Timmy so him being punished to his room, Timmy would climb out my bedroom window and sneak across the roof and sit there at his friends window talking to him to keep him company cause he wasn't allowed out! that's Timmy for you, always there for a friend in need. Good night baby cakes, I love you ♥

An Angels Message

2012-09-03T08:55:00.000-04:00

A poem I wrote for my baby cakes. An Angels Message One day an angel came to me and asked me why I was so sad. I said that you were taken fro me by another persons hands. I felt that my life has ended that day you were called back home And felt that life had no meaning ever since you've been gone. I never felt so broken in heart, mind and soul and why God would do this to leave me so broken and so cold. The Angel replied so nicely in words of compassionate and love. Don't think that God has abandoned you as he watches from above. He brought your son to glory and he suffers no more pain. He shines on brightly in all the stars above, his spirit lives on forever as gently as Aprils rain. He has never left you and watches when you cry, he holds your hand and wishes he could take away your pain. He sees you When you blow a kiss to him each and every single night. He doesn't want to see you sad and wants you to be alright. He asked me to tell you he is happy and content for he has seen the light. Please don't live in sorrow, please don't live in despair. Remember him as happy and know he is always there. He sends you so many signs just to let you know, she told me to remember all the dimes and how big the roses grow. They are little gifts from him because he knows you love him so. One thing the Angel also said and oh with such delight, he hears your message you send him each and every night. He truly wants you to know this and to make sure I won't forget, remember the words mom you say to me each night, that when it's time God calls you home I'll meet you at the crossroads and hold you oh so tight.

Been So Long

2012-09-03T08:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't written here is so long! So much has happened these last few months. Life has been so unkind to us I wonder some days how I get up each day. My boys are suffering so and I just pray each night that they be ok. Matt broke his foot in 10 places and needed surgery. Joey is just so unhappy. Well we all are. People look at us thru differnt eyes, they don't realize that we still suffer each day in pain. Good friends and family do, but when something happens, the looks I see that I get makes me want to cry. Like we are good people, but sometimes the pain and the hardship of each day living just trying to be normal can be so hard on us. All of us includes my sons. They suffer too. Maybe it's been 5 years now but grief can strangle you at any time and take away all you worked for to get back to that "normal" place, just to bring you back down. We had a candle light vigil for Timmy his 5 year angel day July 13th 2012. It even fell on a Friday the 13th. I decided it would be my last one, only next time thur the years I want to just keep it a simple personal family thing, its just to hard on me anymore and so hard on my boys. Timmy will never be forgotten. I love him always and I love my boys. I pray each night they find some peace in their hearts and the understand in others. And wish that people would also know that this is a life time membership of pain, never would I wish on anyone, but just ask for understanding and pray for my family, especially my boys. They need that more now than ever!

Happiness?

2012-02-25T07:42:00.002-05:00

I made a new video of Timmy last week. It was hard to imagine doing but I wanted to, it feels like I'm doing something if that makes any sense. So much going on in life, I cry so many nights over losing my son, seeing my family fall apart. Wondering when does it ever get better, does it ever get better? I feel like I'll never feel that true happiness in life, like my candle blew out when Timmy was killed. It flickers off and on, trying to keep the rest of us together. How does one do that when you feel like there is nothing left of you to give? I see so many of his friends growing up, all the things I missed. Learning how to drive, graduating school, falling in love, some having babies, Timmy always wanted kids, so funny a 15 year old boy telling his mom, I'm going to have 4 kids when I get married! You don't hear that to often. He wanted to be a good dad, he loved his dad but his dad wasn't there very much for him. I was mom and dad to all my boys. Last night I cried to God and asked him what did I do wrong??? Why is life so cruel? Am I being punished or is this just a test? I want my boys to be happy and live good happy lives, but it's turned all upside down when my son was murdered. I see so much evil in this world, I remember days watching the news and someone getting killed and thinking oh that poor family, that poor mother, and now I live it and think how does anyone get through this? How do you keep you family together. I so much support and love from all my family and friends. It helps me keep going, but the pain is so deep down inside me that nothing ever will pull it out. Like some days I watch that show House and wish I could go to someone like that and ask what's wrong with me and they figure it all out and make me better. So many people tell me how strong I am, and I really don't feel like I am strong, I just get by each day. I keep my faith in my heart that God will help me through all of this, and knowing one day I'll see my son again. But the NOW days is what hurts. I just want happiness back, I want to be able to laugh and see my boys laugh again. Really laugh, just stomach hurting laughter. Is that too much to ask for? I go to Timmy's memorial sites and wish there was more I could put on, more I could say, more pictures to post. I have so many of him when he was little but not so many when he was 15, I'm so happy for my sister and family and his friends to have giving me the pictures I do have. Isn't it sad to be happy over a picture? Knowing that's all you got. I miss him. I miss him. I cry every night telling him how much I love and miss him. Why can't I dream of him? I just want him to come home. I want my family to be happy, I want my boys to be ok. It's not fair that they have to live thru this so young, they have this to bear for so much longer than I do. People don't realize how much siblings suffer. They suffer more than you know. One thing I would like to say to them is, don't think that just because you think they should be "over this" and falling to pieces is unacceptable to you in your life, until you walk in their shoes, do not judge my boys. They have enough to deal with, then to deal with ignorance.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY MY BABY CAKES

2011-12-31T08:29:00.000-05:00

Today is Timmy's birthday, he would have been 20 years old today. I think back on those teenage years I've missed and wonder what he would be like today. I was talking about that with my one son, talking about those years we've missed. How those 2 men ruined our family, took everything away from us and made our lives change so drastically. I wonder if they think of him. I wonder if they realize all the lives they've ruined by such a horrendous act. Not only my family, but theirs and their children's. No, I don't feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for their children. I feel sorry that they have to grow up knowing what their father did to such a young child and another young man (RIP Dame) How they have to grow up with this. I see my own children suffer each and every day. Losing their baby brother to murder. And some days wishing people would understand how much they suffer. My heart is broken. It will always be broken now. But I think of him in good times, how he loved the beach, riding those waves, collecting sea shells or hermit craps. Hanging out with his friends, jumping on the trampoline, playing football, always playing football. How tall would he be? Would he still have that funny sense of humor? Would his goofy laugh still make the whole room crack up with him? Would he have fallen in love? 20 YEARS OLD!!! No more teenager, that's a big step in one's life. I believe in my heart he would have been a good man, he was already a good kid, a kind heart, a gentle soul. I listen to the stories people tell me of him, like the one he went and got a water ice for my friend's daughter they didn't know him that well then, and she wanted someone to walk her to get her one and no one would so Timmy said I'll go get it for you and when he came back, his brother left him! But he got the water ice and when she offered him the money he said no it's on me. Makes me cry thinking of those stories and how kind hearted he really was. I miss you Timmy, Happy Birthday in Heaven. You'll always be loved and I will hold you in my heart until we meet again.

December Blues

2011-12-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

Wow it's December already. I can't believe where the time goes. I hate December, even though my birthday is December, and Christmas and my middle son being a Christmas baby, but my sweet Timmy was a New Year's Eve baby. I used to tease him all the time and say no matter where you go on your birthday there will always be a celebration!!! Never passing the age of 15 is so unfair all those celebrations he has missed. I watch all his friends growing up, moving on with life (as they should) and I think what would he be like today. I know he'd be a good man. But I wish I could have seen him grow into that "good man". I always tell my friends how all these bad things happen to me and don't seem to understand why. If you didn't know me and I told you half the crap I go thru you'd all think it was bull shit. Yet my friends and family know, they tell me if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. One of my closest friends always said here comes "Bette's dark cloud" it follows me everywhere. I'm glad this year is to be over soon. It was the hardest I've had. Timmy's trial started in December and sentencing in January. Then I lost my job. My sons struggling with life without their brother, no one realizes the pain they live in each and every day. People think siblings don't suffer, well let me say, YES they do, sometimes more than others. my sons have suffered tremendously after Timmy was murdered. It's not fair to be so young to have to live with something so terrible happening like this in your life. Then to top it all off I got into a bad car accident, and now I struggle in pain every day going on job interviews standing waiting for busses or trains, but I try and keep positive that things will be ok. One day things will be ok, I keep saying this to myself over and over, it will be ok, one day! Life has some good moments too, like my sister finding a picture of Timmy in his favorite Steeler's Jersey, the only picture I have of him in it, I buried him in his Rothleisburger jersey, but I still have the Pittsburgh cap. So many things I can't let go, when does the pain ever end? But I cried when I saw it and she said don't cry why are you crying and I said no it's not a bad cry really, it's because I now have a new picture of him and one with him in his Steeler's jersey he loved it so much and he was such a big Steeler's fan. He loved football, another thing that makes me sad, he never been to a "real" football game, not even an Eagles game. I would have loved him to have been able to go see the Pittsburgh Steelers, now I cheer them on (sorry Eagles, my other boys cheer you guys on) LOL But winter is fast approaching and I know after his birthday maybe I can heal a little tiny bit more, I cry every day it seems in December. December is a sad month for me now, when it used to be so joyous!!!! My father passed away on December 15, 24 years ago. 10 days before my middle son was born. But I felt then at the time, he sent me a little Christmas present, sending me another son, who I gave my dad's first name as my sons middle name. Awww the time passes and yet I'm still stuck. Oh and then I find out that the sister and mother of one of my son's murderer's were arrested for witness intimidation. Timmy's story should be a Peyton Place, never ending. Still going on 4 1/2 years later, it never ends and it makes the pain much deeper to bear when these kinds of things happen. But we tread on don't we, if not for us but for our kids, for our family, and for knowing that one day I will meet my Timmy again. Merry Christmas Baby Cakes, and a Happy Birthday soon, he would have ben 20 years old this New Year's Eve, no longer a teenager, so much I've missed. Meet you at the crossroads, so you won't be lonely.............................

Just thoughts

2011-11-09T23:59:00.000-05:00

I swore I'd try to keep this more up to date, but life seems to get a hold of you and BAM time goes by and then it's like wow to much to add to my blog. I got thru Halloween one of Timmy's favorite holidays, now it's November and Thanksgiving is approaching, this was his favorite time of year, with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and his birthday, he was a New Year's Eve Baby. I used to tell him that no matter where he was or went he'd always have a celebration to go to for his birthday since it was on New Year's Eve, how great is that and he'd just laugh. Now New Year's Eve all I think of is another birthday come and gone and my son not here to celebrate all those celebrations he could have been going to. We used to have so much fun on New Years Eve, I always made sure no matter where we went I made his favorite cake, it was a cat shaped cake and God forbid I tried a different kind, oh no, the Cat cake is now a family tradition. I still make his cake and still take it with me no matter where I go, and we all sing happy birthday to him. The time of year is the most hardest on me and the boys. As the cold weather starts to move in and I think of soon the snow will come and my first thought is how Timmy loved it, loved this season, loved the cold, the snow, everything about it. Now I hate it, despise it, December is far worse a month for me even though my birthday is in December and my other son Matt is a Christmas baby, and then Timmy's being New Year's Eve, it's just too much to handle when your an emotional wreck. Each day I try and get by but no matter what I do, no matter how bad things or how good things are, bad more than good lately, Timmy is always in my mind, always there, there is not a moment that can go past without me thinking wow how much he'd love that or not like that or how hard it is to go to some stores we went to together and how hard Christmas is without wrapping gifts for him. He would always write a list, I'd tell him 10 things on the list and he had to make sure he'd number which one was the most important. How I wish I kept those lists. He was so cute, thinking which was more important but wanted something just as much LOL I miss him so much more. Everyone thinks the days go by and you get better but time for me does not heal my wounded heart, it may dull the pain but the whole is still there and always will be. I see my sons suffer each day and wonder how they can go on for much longer than I will having their brother murdered, too young to have this in their life, their baby brother shot execution style and they couldn't protect him. I pray my boys each day for comfort, to know that he loved them so much, he looked up to them, he knew they always had his back. My boys, my three sons, in my heart forever. Life is hard for them most people dont realize how hard it is for siblings who lose a brother or sister especially to murder. They see how much I fall apart, I try and be strong for them but there are days that I just can't do it. Life is hard, I always say my life ended the day Timmy was killed. I move on for my other sons. I pray for them always wishing they will find happiness in their life once again, to know they can have a good life and always know Timmy is with them. Do you know how hard it is to see your son fall to pieces? To see the life just taken right out of them? and not be able to a damn thing about it!

Can't believe it's been this long since I've written

2011-09-23T12:16:00.000-04:00

Wow I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote on my blog. Thank you my friend Isaida for giving me the inspiration to write again :)

Timmy's trial was held in December 2010 and Penalty Phase was in January 2011. The trial was awful, to say the least. To sit in the court room with those 2 murdering men was enough for a life time. They showed no remorse whatsoever. Witness after witness testifyig how they bragged about what they did. Seeing pictures I wish I'd never seen. One of the things that will haunt me the most is the 7-11 video they showed of Timmy's last moments. Him and Damien went to the store to buy snacks for that night and the next morning as they were going to go lawn mowing. You could see them walking around the store, then at the cash register, Dame paid, and Timmy held the bags. As they were leaving, Dame in front Timmy in the back with the bags, I looked at the time stamp it was 2:16 and as that door closed I realized that time was the last time anyone would see my son alive. I broke down. I have to admit I stayed strong thruout the whole trial as best as I could. But the two hardest things I had to deal with was the Impact Statement and watching that video. I can still so vividly see it re-play itself in my mind over and over again. Both men were found guilty of first degree double homicide. Both received double life sentences without parole plus like 30 years for other related charges. The people who stood by me and my family I will forever be grateful for. My family, friends, neighbors and Timmy's friends, all those who made it to the trial even just a day, I thank you for being there and for the support. I had a great DA, wonderful detectives and police officers who were so very kind to us, and an absolutely great judge. I thank the jury for seeing through a long trial and giving my son justice. The shooter of my son, his life spared by one juror, 11-1 for the death sentence, he's so lucky that one person just couldn't put a young man to death, but in PA it's never enforced anyway. I am happy with the verdict and I thank the jury for giving both of them what they deserve, life behind bars for the rest of their miserable lives. May they see my son's face each night they close their eyes before the go to sleep. I'm going to try more often to write on my blog, maybe it will help me. I thought at first I couldn't do it, I just can't. This is dedicated to my son, but it also is for me to help me through the pain I live with each and every day. Since then I've lost my job of 22 years. That's a whole other story!!!! But I thank God each day I wake up and say ok, here we go again, stay with me so I can stay strong and be there for my other 2 boys. Well I think I should stop now since writing this brings back so many difficult memories of the trial. With this crazy life of mine, I'm sure I'll have more coming, and of course memories of Timmy will be shared, as I dedicate this blog to him as he will forever be in my heart and soul and my love for him is eternal.

Into the Holidays

2010-11-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't written for quite some time. I think because I just have no words left in me. The trial is fast approaching, but am not going to speak of it here. Will have plenty to say as the time goes on. I think about another Halloween passing and how Timmy always loved it, his favorite, now the depression sinks in again with the holidays fast approaching and a trial on top of it. I think of my other sons, too young to have this in their lives. I think of all my other "mom's" who I love dearly and know the pain they endure also. I think of my family who have to listen to me all the time as the pain doesn't seem to want to subside, I can only say I'm sorry, this is me now, this is my life. I am sad, I hope one day I find some happiness I don't want to feel this way, I don't like being sad, but I miss Timmy with all my heart and cannot fathom for the life of me how anyone could hurt him, I'll never understand, never EVER!!! I have a hole in my heart, the "other" me is gone, that life I had one time is over, this is the new me and the new life I don't want, but will keep going on because I know that Timmy wouldn't want me to give up. I feel bad for my other boys, and I try so hard to keep on keeping on for them. They are so sad, their hearts hurt so badly, and there is nothing I can do. Just to say I'm here and always will be, and having good family and friends who stand by you no matter what, no matter the tears, no matter the sadness, no matter the anger, they are here always and forever and that I am thankful for because without them in my life I would not be able to be as strong as I think I've been. I love my boys, and no matter what happens I will always be there for them, thru the good and the bad, and I love my family and friends and I thank them all for standing by me. I love God, who keeps me going no matter if I am a mess, he always shows me a light in the pitch black darkness.

Summer is Over

2010-09-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

Wow I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote here. I don't know if maybe it's just been so hard anymore even going to my baby's memorial site, lighting candles for my other angels. Where has time gone? I think and wonder my God it's been three years. Three years since I saw my baby, heard him laugh, saw that great smile he had, the goofy jokes he told, so many things I've missed. He was too young to leave me, OMG he was only 15 years old. I know I try not to blame God for this, I really do, I don't believe that God would take a young man like this from his family. Not this violent way of leaving this world. I believe that evil took ahold of these mens hearts and that is what killed him, the evilness!!! God would not do this, I try and tell my other sons the same thing. God guides us as best as he can, man has free-will, and these evil men took that gift and made it to hurt someone, or two people I should say. Another young man died that night, only 26 years old. he wasn't bad person, he didn't deserve to die this way either. I was told they were after him, and Timmy was "a casualty of war" a witness. There is no reason or excuse that will ever satisfy my empty heart and soul. I will never understand the reasoning of any of it. I still can't believe he is gone. I cry every day!!! The pain is God-awful. I see my other sons life filled with so much agony, and I think, they not only took my baby, they tood all of us that day, every single one of us died that day. Our life never to be the same again. I'm upside down now, there are two me's now, one before and the me now. I don't like the new "me". I'm always sad, always crying, I lost so much weight I look skeletal. I hate the new me!!! I hate feeling empty inside, I hate the hole in my heart. I feel like I'm not there for my boys when I should be. I can't help it. I feel like so many people don't want to be around me anymore. Who can blame them, I'm so depressing to be around. I know this, but I can't help it, it's the new me!! The one missing her son, the one who crys every night before she goes to sleep, the one who can't look at a picture of him without the pull on the heart, no new pictures to be seen or taken again, no more new memories to share. No more summer fun down the shore and watching him "ride the waves" with his brothers. No more worrying about him falling out of the roller coaster ride and a sigh of relief when the ride is over and they all get off safe and sound. This is the new me, the sad one, the lonely one, the one who really is trying to be OK and can't, the one who tries to laugh and can't, the one who really wants to go to that party, and can't because she is so afraid that she'll cry or upset people or be sad and upset people, who is afraid to talk about her son because she doesn't want to upset anyone, but how the hell can't I talk about him, he was my baby and he was taking from me because 2 men decided that they wanted to kill someone and he was there and would have witnessed it so they killed him too. HE WAS ONLY 15 YEARS OLD FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! Now I can see why it's been a while since I wrote as I sit here crying my eyes out writing down these words, these feelings, the emptiness I live in now, the heartache I deal with every day. So as you can see they killed me too that day, and left behind an empty shell of the "new me". I hope all my friends can understand where I'm coming from, and my family, I am sorry this is how I am, I'm sorry for being so sad all the time, and I do hope that you all understand and stand by me like you have for these past 3 years because I don't know when I'll ever get any better. Knowing I have everyone there for me, helps me to know that I'm not alone, I will never be alone even though I may think I am. End of summer brings new pain again, seeing all the kids going out for new school supplies and new school clothes. Something we always did together, Timmy loved to shop!! then the changes in the seasons start, summer becomes fall, then Halloween another favorite of Timmy's. Then of course November brings Thanksgiving, how he loved to eat, his favorite meal. Then December comes with Christmas and birthdays.... need I say more??? This is the season I hate the most. This is the time of year I wish I never had to face again. The joyful time of year has become only more tears for me to shed.

3 Year Angel Day

2010-07-23T09:43:00.000-04:00

Today is July 23rd, 10 days since my son's 3rd year angelversary. I couldn't write, I didn't know what to write. There are no words to describe the pain I live in. A piece of my heart is missing. Then when this day comes, I feel it for weeks before and weeks after. July is a hard month. We held another candle light vigil for him, so many people still came, his friends, family, neighbors, my friends and my boys friends. I thank them all with my whole heart for supporting me and my family. Being there shows me how much Timmy meant and knowing he touched so many lives. Only 15 years old and cut short by the hands of another. Something I can never nor ever will understand. How do you shot a 15 year old in the back of his head? WHY I ask God every day WHY. I miss him so much, I just want to hug him, hold him, hear that great be laugh he had, the goofy grin, those big blue eyes. I want more memories, I want to go down the beach and watch him ride the waves. I want to hear his voice just one more "I love you mom". WHY?????? A question no one can ever answer. I can't even write these words without crying. I'm so cried out yet the tears seem to always come. the ache in my heart never subsiding. I had a dream about him a few days ago, he is always little in my dreams and the only time he speaks to me when he is a little boy. I had pictures but he wasn't in them and he asked ME why aren't I in these pictures, where am I? I picked him up and held him and said these pictures where from before you were born, I have lots of pictures of you now. I keep thinking was this a message? Was he telling me even though he is not here, I still have pictures and memories, even though he is not physically with me, he is ALWAYS WITH ME. I don't know, but I feel some comfort with this, not much but I love dreaming of him, and hate waking up. It's like God that was only a dream, WHY CAN'T THIS BE ONLY A DREAM???? I love you baby cakes, FLY HIGH.

4th of July

2010-06-30T14:37:00.001-04:00

Another holiday missed. This will be my third without Timmy, this 4th of July. My son was killed 9 days later on a Friday the 13th, 2007. I wish I could remember what we did that year. I keep hoping it was a nice holiday for us, with Timmy. He loved the firworks, not just watching them, but setting off his own little display. How is it that 3 years have passed already. In two weeks it will be 3 years he was murdered. I still can't understand why anyone would want to hurt him, he was a good kid, he never bothered anyone. It's been a while since I wrote here, I guess there is just too much going on in my mind to keep it together. To much to write sometimes. I always feel like there is a veil of sadness around me, I don't want people to stray away, but I can't help to feel this way. Especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I try and think of good memories things that I can think that make me happy, but sometimes even those thoughts bring me tears because I know there will be no more memories for me. No new ones to share. I probably wouldn't even be here writing on this blog, my whole life has changed. I'm not the "me" I used to be. I just miss him so much, I can't even describe the emptiness inside my heart. I just always ask why? why? But yet I know even if I got an answer it would never be a good enough answer. There is no reasoning, just evilness. I miss going down the beach, walking the boardwalk. Buying funnel cake with all my boys. Watching them ride the roller coasters, how he loved the rides! Oh and the Go Carts, he couldn't get enough of. He'd get off and get right back in line. These are the times I wish I had a video recorder, I could replay the happiness there once was, instead of the sadness that envelopes my home, my life, my other sons, everything around me feels sad. My niece had a baby boy and she named him Timmy after her favorite cousin, they were like brother and sister. It made me feel so good to hear that, now we have another little Timmy in the family. I just wish God could give me my Timmy back.

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-12T15:27:00.000-04:00

It took me 3 days to write about Mother's Day. It was probably one of the worse Mother's Day I'll ever have. Even though my other boys tried to make it the best they could. My oldest got me two red roses, my middle guy made dinner. But we all were like in a daze of dripping sadness. You could feel it in the air. The pain, the tension, the missing. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I wish I had. It just was painful. I still remember that one Mother's Day how Timmy as young as he was went to the Flower store and got me a beautiful pink rose with baby breath wrapped up in this nice little plastic box with a big red ribbon on it. With $2.00! I even walked around and thanked them, they told me they never had a little boy come in and ask what he could buy his mom with $2.00 so they just had to make it special. It's a wonderful memory, but it's a memory that makes me so sad, I can still see it in my minds eye. He asked me for $2.00 to go to the corner dollar store. And there he went to the flower store instead and got me a present. him walking in the door with this beautiful gift of love. I see him handing it to me, that little boy with those big blue eyes and saying Happy Mother's Day mom. And me walking to the store LOL to thank those nice people for being so generous to make him feel special by giving him the prettiest gift he could give his mom for $2.00. It saddens me to think how I'll never have any of those special moments with my son. no more surprise presents, no more stray cats, no kids being loud, no basketball bouncing out front, or playing football and making the car alarms go off. I search my brain for memories, anything, any memory will do, I want to hear stories about him, I love to hear people talk about him because then it gives me more memories since I know there will never be any more for me. No more greetings when I park the car, yes, when Timmy would be out side and I'd come home he would wait for me to park and walk up to the car as I was getting out and say hi mom how was your day. This was almost every single day! I see it as I park each time, I wish to see him walk up and wait for me to park each night I go home. I can't even look down the street anymore where it happened. I hate driving down there to that corner and have no choice since it's a one way street. I do my best to avoid going further I'd turn and go out of my way most of the time. I bless myself and blow a kiss when I do. This is what I have left. Each time I try and think of a memory and want to write it down so I'll never forget it. I see the rose bushes we planted together and the one I said was his is tall with big red roses and mine is this little stub of a thing. It's almost like his roses are reaching to the heavens for him and mine are shriveling up like me. I stop and smell them each time one blooms, some days I cut them and take them up to the cemetary for him and say look how big your roses are,they are beautiful just like you. It will be two years and 10 months tomorrow, May 13th. People tell me it will get better, I nod my head, but inside I think, no, it will never get better, time will go by and people grow, but my heart will never heal.

My Adventures Part 2

2010-05-06T12:11:00.000-04:00

Well as I said in my last post I wanted to keep track of all the craziness in my life because some days I wonder where does all this come from? Sometimes I actually feel like I'm being punished for something maybe I did in a past life or something. I'm a good person, I always try and be nice and do right by people, so why is it that I get hit every single day with something that is like yo hold on now, how much can one person take on? I don't even remember where I left off at last time. I guess I should have read my last post so I know where to begin. Well let's see, my son's car now needs a new alternator. We had this card for what 2 months? Let me tell you, I won't mention names but don't ever buy a car down on Richmond Street. This car has been nothing but a nightmare since we got it. First the thermastat went but they fixed that as it was under 30 day warranty, then the water pump went, then the turn signals wouldn't work. Then as soon as warranty is up, it need a new starter, then the very next day the breaks were squeeling like crazy, you know what it's like to find a place on Easter weekend to get your brakes fixed? Well I did thank God, but when they showed me the rotors on that thing, that car never should have passed inspection, they were so worn down I could tell how bad it was and that's saying something for someone who doesn't know to much about cars. Well lets' flash head, ok, now this car needs an alternator. I won't even go into the story on my car because it's just to much to bare, I can't even write it down. Just the thought of how all this stuff goes wrong every single day makes my stomach sick. And on top of that an important person on my son's case will not be involved (well not as much) but I am a bit upset about that. Oh and the back small panel window on my car is broken, just more money to put out to get fixed, something that I don't have right now so I guess now. You know what it's like to drive down the highway and all you can hear is plastic blowing because we had to tape up the window. It's very annoying, believe me, very! And to top all that off I hit my head on an overhang cabinet and now have a splitting headache. So let's see what tomorrow and the rest of the weekend brings to me, maybe my house will blow away with me in it and I'll be like Dorothy and wake up in Oz.

wishing for days gone by when boys where young, I used to think how hard life was then raising 3 boys on my own, now I'd take those days back in an instant. I'd give out more hugs and kisses and be there more, go to places to have fun, but I had to work full time and I missed a lot of their growing up. Now I'll miss the rest of Timmy's life, gone at 15. How fair is that???? So my questions is, how much can one woman take on in life before they crumble? "Good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love you".

My Adventures

2010-04-29T14:38:00.000-04:00

I've always thought about writing a journal of my crazy daily events that occur in my life. As it would seem the stuff that happens to me, just doesn't seem to happen to a lot of people every day. So I think I might just start writing stuff down because believe it or not, this is all true and yes these kinds of things do happen to me every day. I'm going to start about three weeks ago.... First off, I have a memorial page for my son Timmy. It is my safe haven, somewhere to go and see things his friends and family write, people light candles for him and I change the graphics for each holiday or season. Well one day I received an email that he had a new tribute on his page. I went to view it and it was from one of the "alleged" murderer's brother. He said that he wanted to get in touch with me and give me info about the "actual killers". Well I guess that just took my breath away. It is bad enough that they live around me, and sometimes I see them and do my best to avoid, I don't want confrontations with the family, I know they believe their innocence they have the right to stand by the one they love, as I also have the right to fight for justice for my son. Well after that things just started colliding with one another. I can't go into much of it, but it was just all pieces of the puzzle that almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I took some time off from work, I went back to my counselor. I needed a "step back" so to speak. So each day goes by and more weird things happen. But I get through them. The pain of losing your child to murder is enourmous. I cannot describe it. But then when you have other things that come into play it's almost like "is this stuff really happening to me"??? Like how my door broke, yes my front door. Cracked right in half form the wonderful weather we had and the nice gusty winds. So I had to get a new door. Believe me my dog and cat loved it, if we left the main door open they had a permanent doggy/cat door to go in and out, but with the weather getting nice I was getting lots of flies!!! So I finally did get my door fixed. Now to present day, I am driving to work, low on gas and my tire needs air. I stop and get gas, I go to the air pump. I for the life of me cannot get this thing to work right. The air is going everywhere but in my tire. So I'm frustrated by now and it's getting later, now I'm worried I'll be late for work. So I pull up and get stuck at a red light but in the middle of the intersection. Maybe that's a good thing. Because as I'm sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, a man in his truck waved at me to lower my window, so I do. He said, "you left your gas cap on the trunk of your car". I'm like oh no!!! I'm in the middle of this intersection at a very busy highway! I jump out and low and behold there is my gas cap still on the trunk where I left it. How the heck it didn't fall off from out of the gas station, and down about 6 blocks is besides me! I was so thankful that maybe I was meant to get stuck at this red light that I never get stuck at so this nice man could tell me about my gas cap, otherwise I could have kissed that baby goodbye once I got on the highway! Then of course stuck in traffic and by now totally frustrated. I put on the ipod and each song that was played by random was a song that Timmy liked or one that reminded me of him. Oh and one more thing, since I haven't been finding too many dimes, as I was dusting the other day I picked up something off the computer desk and there were two, yes two, dimes sitting there. I know he's with me all the time, I just wish I could hold him and hug him and tell him how much I love him with all my heart. I also have some cute new pictures that I'll be posting. I had my one son take a picture off his camera phone of a picture, and they actually turned out pretty good. I love all my friends and family who are sticking by me thru this darkness I am currently in. Without them, I would be lost. And I decided that after each post I am going to write down the last words I got to say to my son, sort of how Carol Burnett pulled on her ear for her grandmother who was deaf, my way of saying I'll never forget you. "good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love ya".

My Boys

2010-04-01T15:14:00.000-04:00

When I write here or really anywhere I always write about Timmy. Of course I would, he is always on my mind, and I miss him so much, so so much, it hurts so bad. He was my youngest of 3 boys. My little shadow, I took him everywhere with me. We were close, he was like my buddy, even as he got older into the teenage years. He never got in any trouble, he never lied to me, he was shy and quiet but I knew him better than anyone else. Most mom's don't when their boys turn 15 years old, but I can say I knew him best. I raised 3 boys on my own. A single mom with a full time job. I was pregant with Timmy when his Dad & I split up. It was hard, life was not easy. Finding day care, and getting everyone off to school, or when they were sick begging people to watch them for me. I missed a lot of the growing up years, but I tried to keep them all in something, even if they just tried. Like all my boys played football. My middle son who is now 22 he played the longest. Timmy loved football, it was his dream to become a quaterback, but when he was younger he couldn't handle the practices 5 days a week, in 98 degree temps and I'd be picking them up from daycare or day camp and right to practice, with no dinner, they'd be dressing in the car getting them uniforms on. I would bring snacks and water. But after a few weeks and bad migraine headaches he just couldn't do it, but he was little then. We thought once he got into High School he could try out then, he was good, he had an arm on him like you wouldn't believe. But back to what I was saying, as you can see my mind drifts back to Timmy, I don't mean too, it just happens. So my oldest was in karate, football, baseball, etc. and it was hard running from one thing to another and I'm sure all the single moms out there with no support from dad would surely understand what I'm saying. Now my middle guy did football, skate hockey, baseball, etc. and Timmy, well he tried everything!!! Believe it or not they all loved playing chess, something when you see them would be hard to believe, and Timmy could knock you right out after 2 moves!! We used to have game nights, and I'd read to them every night. I remember how my oldest would get so mad as I would read chapters from some favorite books they all were into, and the other two would be jumping up and down in their beds not interested and he would tell them to stop and listen to the story! We had good times, even if they were hard times. Some days I wish I could turn back the hands of time and re-live some of those moments and realize when I thought life was so hard back then, how hard it was raising 3 boys on my own, working a full time job, running around picking everyone up, going home doing dinner, cleaning up, making sure they did their homework, getting baths and lunches for the next day. I just don't know how I even did it!!! I look back now and say, God I'd take those days back anytime. After losing a son to murder, that was all a piece of cake! But I love all my boys, thru good times and bad time, thru thick and thin. I just wish life would have been a lot easier, better and simpler for them. They deserved it. They had it hard too.