Add To The Beauty

Almost 8

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 03 Aug 2013 20:57:00 +0000

Hello again! I am going to try and blog shorter and more often rather than blogging something really "significant" every 3 months or so, lol! I need to write more, to make myself write more, even if its basically only me and my hubby who actually read it, it's good for my soul! So, here is a collage I made of my daughter recently who is about to turn 8, I cannot believe it! Enjoy! She is such an amazing, amazing, child. What a gift to be her mother and to have the privilege to know her in all her quirky, sweet, inspiring, bold, hilarious, creative, courageous moments, there are many of them!! She is a treasure!

Wk 3: Momtographie Online

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 May 2013 01:31:00 +0000

Depth of Field and Bokeh were the targets for this Momtographie Online lesson. I am still figuring all this out, but I sure had fun getting my daughter to hang out in the front yard with some flowers :) Thank you again Beryl Young for all you are teaching me!

Stay

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 18 May 2013 23:56:00 +0000

Stay

I’ve seen the flash of lightning
I’ve heard the rolling thunder
I’ve seen the crashing of the waves
And though I’ve known Your Presence
and been filled with wonder
Still there are many things that pull me away
Don’t let me go, hold me close because

I don’t want to hurt You anymore
I don’t want to waste another day
‘Cause it breaks Your heart, it breaks Your heart
When I keep walking away

You know what it means to sacrifice
But You tell me that it’s better to obey
You’ve giving me a thousand brand new starts
Jesus, give me what it takes to stay

I’ve seen Your hand of mercy through my darkest failures
And on the other side You’ve covered me with grace
And like a child lost and afraid, You come and find this runaway
And in Your loving arms You bring me home again
But what’s it gonna take to make me stay

Break my heart with what breaks Yours
Until You’re all I’m living for
Show me what it means not just to believe but to remain

(Big Daddy Weave)

This song has been speaking to me for months now, as I am sure it has many people who take a listen. For me, it speaks to me on the level of feeling so far away from God for so long now. People call this sort of season all different things, the dark night of the soul, a grand canyon experience, a desert time, a wilderness experience etc. I don't know much these days but I do know that as much as my feelings may want to tell me differently, God has not left my side, He has not stopped working on my behalf intervening in my life and in the lives of those around me. I have felt like a runaway, like a child lost and afraid, but I cannot deny the truth that reaches deeper than the emotions that come crashing down: God is here. He may not be showing up in certain ways I have wanted him to, or speaking in ways I would have preferred, but he is here nonetheless. I have felt so faithless. Thank God that He will and is coming to find this runaway and bringing me back home again. The darkness lies to us, our feelings lie to us. Grief lies to us, and even happiness lies to us. God is the way, the truth, and the life, nothing else can fill those sovereign places. I am no theologian, I am no strong Christian. I have been wounded deeply, words don't explain or suffice, but I cannot live the rest of my life angry with God or defined by my past hurts and failures. I don't know how to hear God again like I used to, I don't know how to change myself or my heart, but thankfully God knows where to find me, how to speak to me, and how to change me. So, I'm still here, still reaching out, still crying out, still hoping, and still trusting on some small level. I believe, help my unbelief. I know that I know that I know that He will.

Wk 2: Momtographie Online

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 16 May 2013 21:43:00 +0000

This week in Momtographie Online w/ Beryl Young we were to stay in A/AV Aperture Priority Mode and work with available light to freeze motion. My daughter, Abigail, and I had fun with her in a dress up princess outfit and twirling and jumping around :) SS (Shutter Speed) needed to be fairly high to freeze the motion so in AV mode that meant upping the ISO more than I normally would (which caused "noise" in some shots but still enabled me to see the relationship between high ISO and high SS and how they affect one another. SS crept up to 8000 at times and ISO to 6400. I enjoyed freezing the movement, it made for some nice shots of my little princess :) Don't hesitate to let me know what you think!

Here are a couple of my faves and then some collages to get more of the movement altogether:

5.6/2000/6400

5/5000/6400

5.6/1250/3200

5/2000/3200

5/5000/6400

5/8000/3200

5/2000/3200

Wk 1: Momtographie Online

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 09 May 2013 17:35:00 +0000

Hi all!

Yes, I have been on a blogging hiatus, too much intense stuff going on in my heart and mind to even bring myself to try and "blog it out". Normally I am a late blogger, meaning that I don't often blog in the midst of stuff, but rather after the fact. Life is still good, I will be fine, just too much going on to write publicly at the present moment. God is just up to some major housecleaning in my heart and all my reserves are used up right now. But alas, an amazing online photography class opportunity presented itself and I jumped on board without hesitation! Photography refuels me and is very therapeutic for me, so here goes!! Beryl Young is at it again, and it just keeps getting better! She is now offering her Momtographie class online and I am thrilled to be a part of this inaugural class online!

Wk 1 is about 11 ingredients to consider when trying to capture a photo. Wk 1 we were encouraged to pick only 3 and practice :) I chose Storytelling, Play, Location, Composition, and Perspective. Ok, I know this is more than 3, but it just worked out that way! lol

There are SOOC (straight out of camera) with no editing or cropping, please let me know what you think!
Isaiah, my 4 1/2 yr old was pretending to be a soldier with his "shield" and "sword" made out of a metal trash can lid and a stick :) Many are blurry and I was having trouble finding the best manual settings etc. But, they are all taken in manual and I did the best I could with a little guy zooming around! I am looking forward to learning how to capture better images of my beautiful kiddos in play during the course of this Momtographie class!

Galaxy-Wide

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 23:38:00 +0000

“How could one person, not very big, leave an emptiness that was galaxy-wide.”

(Sheldon Vanauken, from A Severe Mercy)

Most of you probably know that my photography journey began as a creative outlet to process grief over the deaths of 2 of my children.They were babies, stillbirth and miscarriage were the avenues of their deaths. The longer I live the more I know that love cannot be quantified by days, weeks, & years. Love is love is love. They are my children just as much as the other 2 I am blessed to daily hug and parent. Photography gives my grief expression, and the beauty & respite I find is an unquantifiable balm over my wounds. No judgment, no measuring of the grief, no false hope or naive platitudes, no second guessing of my motives, no deflecting of negative emotions onto an unsuspecting target....Finding the beautiful hiding among the normal, seeing from a different angle that which turns alleged mediocrity into a new shade of beauty, capturing moments where nature and light collide and a window to another layer of reality opens...This is the healing that comes for me from behind the lens,the healing power of the creative process as an image is seen, set up, framed, captured, and edited. There is an endless amount of beauty to be seen and that really excites the creative side of me. Even six years and three years since my daughters have died, the healing continues.

Photography gives me a medium through which I can express myself, an avenue of creative energy where I can connect with the unspeakable beauty of God's creation. It is an adventure where grief and joy can be looked at more closely, it opens up a road in my heart that otherwise remains closed. It draws me closer to God & the woman He designed and purposed for me to be. It won't undo death or make every hard thing in life un-hard, but it does reveal more beauty at every turn as the shattered pieces of my heart are unraveled and untangled bit by bit, image by image, prayer by prayer, and tear by tear. And it is a conduit of force that builds me back up bit by bit as well...It strengthens the strong and weak places, energizes my spiritual fortitude, and it connects me with what is most important in all of life: My God, the people I love, my heart, others, everything that is beautiful. This creative process has a strengthening energy about it, and it always helps to realign my priorities and get my focus back where it needs to be.

I cannot bring back my daughters, nor can I bring back friends gained and lost in the aftermath of loss. People come and people go. Some stayed as long as they were meant to, others left prematurely because either they couldn't see my true heart, or their own, or both, or I was guilty of one of the above myself. Oftentimes our best attempts cannot un-muddy the water enough for a fresh start. We sweep our side of the street as well as we know how and we must move on. One day there will much redemption and reconciliation on the other side regarding relationships that never saw their full intended potentials here. The photographic process has been such a good friend to me. I'm so thankful my God will stop at nothing to bring His healing and for how personalized His touch is. He knew what I needed before I even had a clue. It always feels strange in a way to get a compliment on an image captured...I think, "Well, I didn't make it, I didn't design it, and I'm convinced the mostbeautiful moments and pieces of God's creation are never caught on camera! I just caught a tiny little piece of the beauty that isn't mine to begin with!" Everything I photograph is God's design, He is the maker of the beauty, I'm just another person looking closely for it, I want to uncover it in unexpected places and show pieces of beauty to the world through the unique person I was made to be. I'm not the real artist here in all honesty, we all know who is.

~Hope

1000 Miles

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 23:58:00 +0000

{You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise. Even when I could not hear.

I was held in Your arms, carried for a 1000 miles to show,

Not for a moment did You forsake me.}

I have been very quiet lately....There has been too much going on to even blog about if you know what I mean...but tonight I was given some free time to myself and I knew it was time to speak about some things in my heart here. Thank you for reading...

Life is taking shape quite differently than I expected...But when has it ever been what I thought it would be? *smile* Life seems to consistently surprise me with its heights of joy and its dark places along the way. I cannot take enough pictures of my sweet little ones, their smiles and giggles, their hearts and minds, all that they are teaching me...It is all more than can be adequately conveyed in beautiful words and buckets of tears. Motherhood is more than words can say.

But what I want to talk about today is the disconnect with God that has been a reality since March 2007. Something has deeply shifted in my communication with Him since then, in my relaying and in my hearing, in my senses and in my intimacy levels with Him. I am still talking to Him, I am still pouring out my heart...more honestly in fact...but how I am hearing from Him has changed. I do believe I am still hearing from Him but it's so different I have trouble now knowing His voice as well as I used to. I am not really sure what this is all about or if it's simply all about grief and loss and recovering oneself and one's identity after a baby has died...after 2 babies have died. And it's not even just about the babies, it's about rejection and abandonment from those closest to me over the years and even some recent pain...

I have been on a road of spiritual discovery for so many years...I grew up Southern Baptist and am now in a Pentecostal church. I have slowly been easing into an awakening about the presence and validity of the personhood of the Holy Spirit over the years, and especially in the last few years, and even more-so in the last several months as we have been mercifully placed in a place of worship and fellowship our souls desperately needed. So, good things are happening in my walk of faith, God has not abandoned me, I know this, but the terrain has changed so much it has sent me on a whirlwind search for what I used to know with God, the familiar intimacy that is not there anymore, it is all new...it is all unfamiliar...I thought this was an aftereffect of grief and that one day things would snap back into place with God...but that day hasn't come like I had hoped...YET.

I do believe it is coming though, but I know it will always be different now. I was hit recently with the truth that Zoe's stillbirth apparently shattered my faith--and apparently most of that faith was merely head knowledge and didn't go extremely deep into my heart. I am so embarrassed to admit that openly (to the 2 people that may even read this, lol)....But I honestly believe it is true. What I thought was a deep abiding faith was in reality pretty shallow...shallow and shaky and fell when the biggest storm of my adult life hit me. I thought I had gotten my life back in order since the big storm of 1993 when I was 21. I was totally repentant and had made amends as best I could and had spent years working through all the shame and blame that comes with a short-lived yet brutal relationship with a married man when I was single. I thought I would never go through anything that hard again, I thought I could face anything that came my way after surviving that. These 2 storms are very different for sure, and affected my faith in different ways, so maybe trying to compare them is fruitless in my attempt to find my way back to God. Nonetheless, fast forward to 2007 when I was on top of the world as a crazy-happily married mom with a 19 month old and my 2nd child on the way. I was on cloud 9 even with as hard as being a first time parent is. And then the storm came when there was no heartbeat of my precious baby's to hear during the ultrasound at 19 weeks & 5 days. I did the best I could in handling everything, and these new realizations are not meant to toss even more blame on myself. I just can see now looking back that my faith was like a glass house and when the winds blew really hard and the storm came, it fell down all around me. I felt like I didn't deserve something like that to happen to me, that I had done my penance for the sin of 1993, that I had learned my Bible, gotten my reputation back, gone to church, had even gone to Bible College etc...

But those are all externals, lists, head stuff....good girl stuff...not a deep faith rooted in my heart out of a lavish love relationship with my Lord & Savior. I am not who I thought I was on any level, but the GOOD NEWS is that God is so kind and gentle in His awakening of me these past 5 1/2 yrs. Oh there have been times that I have wished whatever the wall was between myself and God would come crashing down in an instant. I begged for that, have been begging for that. I honestly don't know all the reasons why this darkness has lasted so long....Why this season of the soul has stretched these many years. There has been no lack of talking to God or asking questions or trying to figure it all out. One part of though that was revealed recently was that I have on some level been arguing with God about things. Things about Zoe dying, then Addie dying, then things about the lack of friends, difficulty in finding a church home, the invalidation and poor treatment and lack of support from most church people when it came to Zoe & Addie, and most recently about my relationship with the Holy Spirit and what all that means. Also about online ministry stuff and why it was so hard to reach out to other loss moms on FB and why drama ensued and people turned their backs on me with no real wrong done to them that I was aware of or meant to do...I didn't handle every little thing perfectly as things came to a head, but I apologized where I knew to apologize and tried to talk things through but backs stayed turned anyway and lies were spread and the divisiveness festered. It seemed to get worse the more I tried to reconcile. It really stung because in my heart I know who I am, imperfections and all, and I am not who I was made out to be by a handful of loss moms who carry some weight in the FB communities. Grief Journeys was totally shut down, and this was very painful and the death of a ministry dream, at least the death of it as I had envisioned at the time. But the good in it all is that despite everything I believe there were people really helped... and God knows my heart and desire to please Him and my heart and desire to work through misunderstandings...He knows that I did my part, that I swept my side of the street as best I knew how and extended my hand over and over to those involved. I must forgive and surrender, and move on to what He has in store for me now...and leave the damage done by gossip and slander left up to Him to sort out. He knows who I am, and so do I.

{You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise. Even when I could not hear.

I was held in Your arms, carried for a 1000 miles to show,

Not for a moment did You forsake me.}

But surrender I must, and surrender is the struggle right now with God in regards to the grieving and leaning into who the person of the Holy Spirit is meant to be in my life and in my walk of faith. I didn't even consciously realize I had been arguing with God until He revealed it to me recently in prayer. (At least I heard something from Him very clearly!) All I know to do is to continue to pursue God and ask Him to keep on rooting out the things that are between us, the things that affect our intimacy, and for Him to build my faith. He is the author and finisher of it, not people, not me. I must forgive others who have hurt me, I must forgive myself for how I have messed up in things towards others and myself these past 5 1/2 years, and I must forgive God in a sense too for things I had attributed to Him. God is drawing me into worship like never before....He is showing me that not only do I need to be in His Word more but I need to HEAR it more...I need to listen to the truths of Scripture spoken out over my life and into my world as I wash dishes, prepare food, do the laundry...And hopefully, and even let me say it this way: I KNOW God is healing me, I KNOW God is extending His arms and asking me to run to Him and to trust Him in ways I never have before, in areas I had held back, in tender places where I had harbored unrealized anger and had great amounts of stagnant pride eroding what little was left of my tattered faith. He WILL replace the ashes for beauty, the spirit of heaviness for garments of praise....Come Lord Jesus, I await You anxiously!

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,

Even when I could not see.

In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a 1000 miles away.

Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.

Even when I could not hear.

I was held in Your arms, carried for a 1000 miles to show,

Not for a moment did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.

Every tear, every cry, every breath.

In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it's hard

You will never leave me

After all

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

(Meredith Andrews)

A Place to Land

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 23:10:00 +0000

via

I don't like how life changes so much..Some subtle, some sharp corners, some gentle waves of change, some tidal waves...Change is inevitable, I know this, but I wish it would slow down a bit, stay the same just a while longer...Especially when the change is bittersweet and painful. Something has shifted in my world and I am still adjusting. I know in my head that there is only one anchor for my soul, one thing that stays the same no matter what, one place I can always run to that will always be there, one person who will forever welcome me with open arms...I know this too...but tonight the reality of it is not felt in my heart..I am sad, I am feeling cracked and broken, as if I were a vase that fell off from where it was sitting and now I must somehow gather the pieces together once again and get back to my rightful spot in life. As trite as it sounds, I am so thankful that life is bigger than the changes that happen, life is larger than the people that come in and out of my life, larger than the different places we live, the various jobs worked over the years, the physical issues that come to taunt us, the churches we have worshiped in, even larger than the precious little ones who change so much from day to day...Life is all about change, I know this...But more than that, God is the same from everlasting to everlasting. He is the same yesterday, today, and always. (BIG DEEP SIGH). My spirit doesn't have to stay in the whirlwind of emotions, I do have a place to land...I do have a place where the turning stops, where the world rights itself again, where the broken pieces are made whole again...

Thank you Jesus for being my solid place to land, for being larger than any whirlwind I face...

Does Grief Encapsulate Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 03:47:00 +0000

Who am I underneath all my layers?

Do the amazing things in my life tell the whole story? How about the tragic things?

My grief is a bad storyteller. When it is singing its haunting lament there is much that is missing.

My joys tell a rose colored story, with chapters of pain skipped over.

Only my identity in my Lord tells the whole story, the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

All the places, people, and pursuits I have tried to find my identity in have fallen short except for Christ. All the schemes, subtle and blatant, of the evil one to trick me into finding my steps of purpose outside of my walk with God are cheap tricks with steep price tags. Even seemingly good things become robbers and poor idols.

I am not my mistakes.
I am not my tragedies.
I am not my degrees.
I am not my sins or what has been done against me.
I am not my beauty or beautiful things.
I am not only a mother blessed with 2 precious living children.
I am not just a woman who struggles with feeling "not good enough".
I am not only an identical twin.
I am not just a good person.
I am not just married to my best friend.
I am not only a bereaved mother.
I am not just a lonely stay at home mom longing for rich fellowship.
I am not only a cleaning and cooking and teaching machine.
I am not just the hobbies I love that make my heart sing.
I am not only a woman trying to find her way back to a place of physical health.
I am not just someone disconnected from those she longs to connect with in her life.
I am not only a child of divorce.
I am not only who you see...
I am not just the part of me you have known.

None of these things, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, encapsulate me. I cannot find my identity all wrapped up in being a mom to my living children anymore than finding my identity all wrapped up in being a grieving mother paints the entire canvas of me. Neither of those huge pieces of who I am make up all of who I am.

I am more, I am less, I am a child of God- and that is more than enough.

Right Where I Am 2012: 5 Yrs, 5 mths, 19 days

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 06:30:00 +0000

I never got around to writing my Right Where I Am post for this year since it began HERE in May, and now here I sit at 1:17am with a very quiet house and I am compelled to say something. If you want to read last year's RWIA post go HERE...

Angie, with Still Life With Circles, explains this project with these words:

"Last year, I launched a project called Right Where I Am where I asked other babylost parents to write about right where they were in their grief. And it also was about how wherever you are, it is right. I asked people to only talk about the present moment in their grief, not where they were yesterday, or tomorrow, but how they were feeling today. I asked each person to title their piece with Right Where I Am: followed by the time since their child or children died."

5 years, 5 months, 19 days...wow, I am always amazed at how fast time passes...

I miss Zoe so much....I miss her sister Addie too...it has been 2 years, 5 months, 15 days since she left us...

I am farther down this road than I anticipated in some ways, and I am standing in some very familiar places as well, some well worn spots on the road....But to answer where am I exactly? I'm not sure about that. I have more times of joy these days, my brain isn't as foggy anymore, I am pursuing more creative pursuits with my writing and photography, I have had an incredible new church home for several months.....BUT, the arena of local friends is still as small as it was, the drama has increased in online ministry with other bereaved moms, and the challenges of parenting my living children continues fullspeed ahead. I still have the same body image issues I had last year related to the way pregnancy, birth, and dead babies take their toll. Local ministry is still at a standstill. I am more "me" this year than last...but I don't miss my babies any less...I still struggle with low-grade depression off and on, I still struggle to pray and hear God's voice like I used to, I still have days I want to run away from it all...I'm still adjusting to my new life of having children not here with me...I am a bit more comfortable in the grief, I don't fight it as much as I used to, I don't stay as silent as I used to. Since last year's RWIA post I began an online ministry for bereaved moms, Grief Journeys. We are also on FB. I would say all in all, I am doing well where Zoe & Addie are concerned...but that sounds strange to say...I desire to share their stories more, more with friends, more at church, just more....They deserve that and it is good for my heart as well...I am more determined than ever to count each day special, to try and get all out of my moments with my husband and children as I can (within my own limits of course!)...I guess the best way to say that is that life is ever-increasingly sacred to me...I like where I am at today in so many ways...God continues to be at work in me (thank goodness, right?!) and I look forward to the future with expectation, with some fears I battle and talk to God about daily (Oi!!), and with a tension to make my life count for eternal things...To continue to seek God's best for me and how He can use me to help others and be a conduit of his healing and grace...So I am here today with a mixed bag of emotions, but overall it's a good place to stand in :)

On another note, tonight I submitted a quote to the Lost For Words 2013 Calendar done by Carly Marie & Franchesca Cox.

"Echoes of your voice,
I imagine you in my arms...
Almost feel your hair.
Almost kiss your cheeks.
Almost see your twinkling eyes.
Almost hear your giggles.
Almost taste your tears.
You are here..."

I had a quote accepted last year for the 2012 calendar. Here is an image of it:

xo
Hope

Finding My Muchness

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 15:28:00 +0000

Day 3: Photo Muchness Challenge

Posted on September 3, 2012

Today in an online photo challenge it was about photographing something or someone you love, but from a different perspective or angle. I chose the amazing person who introduced me to motherhood, my firstborn daughter Abigail. She truly lights up my life http://hopeaddtothebeauty.findingmymuchness.com/2012/09/03/day-3-photo-muchness-challenge/ (Forgive me for not finishing this 30 day challenge!)

Running Into The Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 02:45:00 +0000

via

As I listened to the sermon this morning at church I was very convicted of what my biggest fears are and how hard I have run to hide. I have not allowed God to fully redeem the fears and do what He wants with them. I have hidden my testimony out of fear. There will be those that cringe as they are reading this, they will not understand the need to, "air my dirty laundry", or they will be embarrassed for me or something...who knows. All I know is I am tired of hiding, I am free in Christ, I am living honestly before Him as best I know how, and it is a beautiful and exciting thing to wait in expectation of what He has in store. My past does not dictate my today, nor does it dictate my future. My past is my past and it has had too much control for way too long. Those who would judge me based on past mistakes rather than my heart today have no business doing so, and I am going to run straight into my fear so God can conquer it and redeem it.

In the story of David & Goliath, God shows us how He desires us to trust Him radically and know that He has got our backs no matter what, no matter how big the giants are, no matter how fierce, no matter how much they tower over us, no matter how much human reasoning would tell us we are doomed. I Samuel 17:48 tells us that David ran into his fear…("As Goliath moved closer to attack, David quickly ran out to meet him." NLT). Wow. Running out to meet him rather than running and hiding or trying to find a detour. This passage also tells us the battle is God's, not ours (v. 47). Yet we are called by God to do all that we can to stand up against our fears and face them. Then He will ultimately fight the overall battle for us. God will redeem the fear, take the very thing that threatened us and transform it into a weapon in our hands to defeat the enemy (v. 51, sermon by T. Sterbens; 9-2-12). Wow again.

There have been three events in my life that have shaken me to the core and brought out giants to battle against in droves (my fears). Those three events are: my parent's divorce after 19 years of marriage, a brief relationship with a married man when I was 21, and the stillbirth of my second child. I have already shared with others about the divorce of my parents when I was 15, and God brought the redemption of this tragedy to a dramatic point when He introduced me to my current husband. During these past 8 years, God has shown me a love I thought I would never have in marriage.

I have shared about my daughter who was stillborn 5 years ago, but I didn't share much for three years as I was frozen in sadness and invalidation (fear). The redemption of this tragedy is in process. There is movement, redemption is coming. I am speaking her name, and I am fighting the fears of other tragedies occurring to my children. I am a work in progress in this area. I long to grow in trust and faith that no matter what happens in this broken world, to me or to those I love, that God has my back, that ultimately anything that happens is only temporary and that everything sad is coming untrue. That is another story though, the one I am called to dust off and uncover now is something else.

The story that I have hidden under lock and key, for very legitimate reasons, is my relationship with a married man when I was 21. I was convicted this morning that it was time to quit hiding this and living under the remaining condemnation. Has there been any healing in the past 19 years? Sure….Is there more to come? Oh yes, there is….And I have been hiding it…I have a list of legit reasons to hide it, I have been told to hide it, It has been grossly used against me when I have shared it previously. I messed up, I repented, I have forgiven and been forgiven…Why have I continued to hide it? The main reason is the judgment and condemnation of others. This fear has stalked my every move….Every pastor and pastor's wife I come to know, every family I get close to, every ministry opportunity….I am choked with fear I will be found out, I will be misjudged, I will be condemned, I won't be seen for who I am now, I will ruin any ministry chance I might have, that some way somehow, because of the affair, the bottom will fall out from under me….Some redemption has eked through, thanks be to God! I used to believe I had forever ruined my chance at a godly husband, that I would never be blessed with a lifelong mate to love and serve God alongside of…but God proved me wrong in a phenomenal way 8 years ago with the marriage to Phillip.

I believe God wants me to stop being so afraid of people. Obviously I don't walk up to someone and say, "Hi, I'm Hope and I had an affair with a married man when I was 21 who just so happened to also be my pastor." However, I have run so hard from all this for almost 20 years and I am weary of running. I was called a whore by a church member in the local movie theater, God knows what I was called behind my back. I was asked politely by the board of elders to not return to that church, but they gladly put me in a certain number of therapy sessions. The pastor resigned and his family stayed at that church for a year afterwards then they relocated and he began preaching again. I was not named during his resignation but everyone knew it was me. I never told the church I was approached on a basketball court in Mexico by this pastor about being more than friends. Oh that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was doing was wrong when I agreed for 2 very long weeks to go that route, I knew it was wrong. And I was absolutely miserable for those 2 weeks…The guilt ate me alive. I came close to committing suicide in the weeks after it all came crashing down….But the Lord spoke almost audibly to me that He had a plan for my life and I was worth something, my life wasn't over...so I closed the pill bottle and put it back in the medicine cabinet and walked out of my Dad's bathroom slowly. I never got that close again but I certainly thought of it. There was an exchange of letters 10 years later that really did help, there was forgiveness spoken and given by both parties involved. The wife actually wrote me a few months after the affair with forgiveness…wow…But God moved on my heart to write this family 10 years after the event to tell the man I had forgiven him and that God was up to great things in my life. It was well received and with much relief from this man. Thank God their marriage survived and he has seemingly continued in ministry preaching from a hopefully much more aware and sensitive place, a place of love and grace like never before. I changed denominations and moved towns…I don't cross paths with anyone from those days or that denomination anymore..and I like it that way….It is still awkward for me when I run across any of them on any platform, but for the ones who extended grace to me I will always be grateful. But I have been haunted for 19 years.

Being the "other woman" is such a lonely road to walk…there are not tons of books written to help her, none actually that I have found. Everyone wants to reach out to the fallen pastor, (let's get him redeemed quickly, he is in leadership for goodness sake!). More blame seems to fall at the feet of the unmarried one….but as the years have passed I have realized a lot. I have taken responsibility for my part and I have laid down the huge pieces that were not mine to carry.

So, Dear Jesus, I am obediently speaking this out on a somewhat public platform here on my blog, not knowing who will ever read it, but knowing that You are calling me to run into the fear so that You can show Yourself mighty and powerful and bring the redemption You have been waiting to bring. Please heal me Father, thank you for being my rescuer.

Hope

I Need You Now

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 13:24:00 +0000

Today I am starting a 30 Day Muchness Photography Challenge. Really looking forward to it! As part of the challenge they asked us to join their community and start a blog there, so here is my Muchness Blog :)

Ran across this song this morning and music is something that really helps me transcend the sorrow and look my Savior in the eyes. I gain perspective.

Blessings!

~

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

Chorus

Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

Chorus

I need you now
I need you now

Mothers Can't Complain?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 15:43:00 +0000

I have to blog about this because it is a recurring theme that comes up in the babyloss community. I apologize ahead of time if I step on toes, that is not my intent, but I am tired of the complaining about parents complaining.....and yes you read that correctly! :) It really really bothers me to often read on Facebook that a grieving mother would take a whining baby that other mothers complain about.....well yeah, of course we would, but why does that have to be stated all the time? Why did mothers with living children lose their right to express their heights of frustration with the inherent difficulties of parenting day in and day out? They lost that right because babies die? The "complaining" has nothing to do with the reality that babies die...why are they compared and contrasted all the time then? I understand that most people who bring up this topic of complaining moms on FB would say they are only talking about those who "constantly complain"...but could it be that mom's unique way of expressing her inner turmoil? Could it be she has a problem with gratitude? Could it be she is stuck in a mode of complaining? Sure. Sure again. But overall, MOST moms who "complain" are just venting in a way they deem appropriate. Since when does grieving give us the right to judge hearts? One of the soapboxes we grieving moms often find ourselves on is the one of "please don't judge our grieving hearts when you haven't walked in our shoes"...yet we turn around and do the very same thing to those "complaining" moms. I also understand we are to "do everything without complaining and arguing," yet we are "to pursue peace with one another as far as it depends on us" as well aren't we? How does "complaining/venting" about the "complaining/venting" of other moms pursue peace? How does it accomplish anything positive or hopeful or helpful? I am of the opinion that it provides a bullseye for us grieving moms to take a shot at in our raw emotion of this great big canyon of grief. We are hurting so bad, we are so raw, we are so vulnerable, we are so lonely for the touch and taste and smell of our babies gone too soon that we sometimes cannot think straight or see straight and we certainly don't grieve in anyway that resembles a straight line. Grief is so messy. Parenting living children is also messy business of the heart. It drives me to the heights of joy one day and the edges of my mental fortitude at others. And when you mix the grief with the parenting it is a double whammy, if not a whammy x 100....We all need grace...the "complainers/venters", the ones frustrated with the complainers/venters, and the ones frustrated with the frustrated (that would be me!). I guess my whole point is to say, let's all take a deep breath and speak up about things that really make a positive difference at the end of the day. Those moms who are venting and possibly constantly complaining are where they are....let's pray they have people in their lives who love them enough to speak into their lives and help them gain perspective when needed...that would be hopeful, that would be beneficial...that would be gracious...

There was a FB thread about this very topic a few days ago and here are the comments I posted....Some is a bit repetitive of what I stated above but nonetheless, here it is:

~Constant complaining is very very different than sleep deprivation and the normal, natural struggles and stressors of patenting. I am a SAHM of two kids I am also trying to homeschool. They are 7 & almost 4. Does their behavior drive me to the edge at times? You bet! Do I have joy unspeakable bc of the gifts they are to me? You bet! I have lost 2 babies, I know that pain and grief well, and I also see how hard it is to let grieving mothers be brutally honest versus how hard it is to allow mothers parenting their living children to be brutally honest about how hard it is day in and day out. I personally think the issues of how difficult parenting is in reality versus bring grateful for the lives of our children are not as intertwined as most make them out to be. The more grateful I am doesn't automatically ease the tiresome responsibilities of parenting, and if I'm in a season of parenting when my kids are older that is not as physically demanding then that doesn't affect my love and appreciation of them in my life. Love is love. Sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation, and it is brutal. Grieving is a different kind if brutal. Mothering only a child in heaven is its own kind of daily battle that those of us with living kids cannot pretend to understand, and vice versa. I guess my point is that I don't see it as black and white as it is often made out to be. Don't get me wrong, I hate constant complaining, if it's really constant in my definition of constant. I just think sometimes in our grief we judge a struggling parent too quickly, and in turn, we ourselves are judged too quickly as we express our grief.

~I agree, and the same is true for how we react to the challenge of grief and other traumatic life events, we all need grace, and I believe most mothers love their babies no matter how much we perceive them complaining or not complaining....personality, coping skills, past experiences, physical issues, and communication styles etc are just a few more factors that contribute to how each and everyone of us deal with our children...I just had no idea how extremely wonderful or difficult being a mother would be, it is a world of extremes! :)

~I get that totally, I just know too though that having multiple children to patent, while its an immeasurable blessing I'm grateful for, two little ones create more interesting parenting days than one and that really affects stress levels too :). My grief has expanded my heart to love more deeply and appreciate more thoroughly, but it has not made parenting any easier in the day to day activities. In fact, I have come to believe the grief has made the parenting harder in many ways. That may sound bad and maybe there is a more socially acceptable way to say it but that's the best I could think of! So, my grief has pushed my highs higher and my lows lower, it has intensified everything. Is this parent who is constantly complaining a blm? A mother of multiple children?

Love, Peace, and Grace to all of us, and to myself as well as I walk this beautiful, sacred, and terribly difficult road of parenting :)

Check out this great article on Parenting & Grief I read earlier today..

Also, I launched a FB page recently to give myself another way to share and encourage other parents, grieving or not grieving, so come check it out too if you are remotely interested, lol: Parenting Journeys

~Hope

p.s. In case there were any doubts, I love my children dearly, I am absolutely crazy about them ;)

Add To The Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 14:52:00 +0000

I'm sure you've figured out by now that my blog has a new look and a new title. I am making a conscious decision to focus on redemption and hope no matter what. I'm not saying that all the places of raw grief were wrong or unnecessary or unhealthy etc...and I am not saying I had no hope or sense of redemption before now, I truly did, but something has shifted in a direction that is very good for me. I am at a fork in the road somehow..I am not even sure how I got here, but here I am. Life is so beautiful and so transient. A vapor, here for a little while, gone the next. I am grateful for this new place, this new space. This is not about leaving anyone behind or saying I am at a better place than anyone else, it is just me, Hope, I am coming out of some places I have been tucked away in for 5 1/2 years now, I am breathing a bit less labored in my soul and it is freeing. I don't know what is around the next bend, but I am carefully hopeful. I am still a big bag of tears and laughter all rolled into one, I think I always will be....but my journey isn't so dark anymore and oh what a blessed relief. Do I miss my girls any less? Absolutely not. I think I am finally coming to that place in my pain where it has driven me so long and so hard into the lap of my precious Lord that I can say in all honesty that I love Him more now, that I am not angry with Him anymore, that I have come to a place of acceptance. That I want to all the beauty there is to wash over me and I want to be a vessel of adding even more beauty to it all. That just has to be what life is about from here on out. Period.

~Add To The Beauty~

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

By Sara Groves and Matt Bronlewee

Helpful Articles..

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 20:53:00 +0000

Check out these really helpful articles for the grieving. I am continually adding to this page as I run across an exceptionally helpful article on Grief. I just added one today by Lysa TerKeurst. Here is a quote:

"You want to know the best thing someone said to me in the middle of my grief?

I was standing in the midst of all the tears falling down on black dresses and black suits on that grey funeral day. My heels were sinking into the grass. I was staring down at an ant pile. The ants were running like mad around a footprint that had squashed their home.

I was wondering if I stood in that pile and let them sting me a million times if maybe that pain would distract me from my soul pain. At least I knew how to soothe physical pain.

Suddenly, this little pigtailed girl skipped by me and exclaimed, “I hate ants.”

And that was hands down the best thing anyone said that day.

Because she just entered in right where I was. Noticed where I was focused in that moment and just said something basic. Normal. Obvious.

Yes, there is a place for a solid Christian answer. Absolutely.

But there’s also a place to just weep with no answers at all.

God help us to know the difference."

http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/p/articles.html

~

I Look To You

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 02:02:00 +0000

Pushing Through

Fill My Cup

Surrender

These images taken this week all depict a very pinpointed process I am in spiritually and emotionally, as well as physically with some new challenges arising. They all swirl together for me in this cycle and process of shedding the old and taking on the new. ;)

I'm in such a time of transition on so many levels, change is in the air, something is coming around the bend, I am already on a new road, I have already turned a corner...I don't know what all is coming, but I know who does...

I'm pushing through some personal and relational pieces, some health issues, some ministry roadblocks...

I'm surrendering to God's control and who He has made me to be and what He has called me to do, I must trust He knows what He is doing even if I don't get it and I would do things differently...

I'm asking for my cup to be filled up to overflowing, it has been so near empty, but I know who can fill it and never let it run completely dry....

And this song by Selah also really speaks my heart of looking to God above all else...

"I Look To You"

As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breathe,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/selah/i_look_to_you.html ]
And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

(SELAH)

It Just Is

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 01:34:00 +0000

"Mommy, are they so happy they can't talk?"

YES.

"But you can't be that happy!"

OH YES YOU CAN! ;)

(Abigail's -6 1/2 yr old- reaction to scene in Tangled this evening when Rapunzel is finally united with her parents after so many years and they are hugging tightly)

Tangled of course always reminds me of all my babies and the hope of our reunion one day :) It also reminds me how happy my living children do make me, life is beautiful any way it is sliced, because it just IS!

~

Stillbirthday Bereavement Doula Training

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:42:00 +0000

SBD Doula Registration

I'm so excited about this opportunity! Check it out with me if you are interested in coming alongside a grieving mom on a more personal level person to person

xo Hope

Stillbirthday Bereavement Doulas – Trained Companions

"Combining the benefits of bereavement support with the benefits of labor support, stillbirthday seeks to provide every mother and family experiencing pregnancy loss with compassionate and comprehensive emotional as well as practical support:

-SBD doulas can fill in the space between learning of a difficult diagnosis and the birth of the baby, supplementing perinatal hospice and medical support.

-SBD doulas can provide labor support prior to and during a miscarriage.

-SBD doulas can attend births at any gestational age.

-SBD doulas can provide postpartum support for mothers who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss.

-SBD doulas can provide services and support for subsequent pregnancies and births."

Meant To Live Video

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 23:45:00 +0000

All My Children Matter...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 03:23:00 +0000

www.hopeinbloomstudios.com

My children, all of them, light up my life. They all mean the world to me, living here or on the other side. Abigail & Isaiah bring me joy unspeakable and being a Mother has been the most incredible gift of my whole life outside of knowing Christ and being married to my best friend! Does motherhood mean you are immune to sadness? That you cannot experience grief and joy at the same time? That one negates or cancels out the other? Why are people so quick to judge what they have not experienced? It is just insecurity? The uncomfortableness of the unknown and how whatever is going on with that person that challenges me or makes me uncomfortable might rub off on me if I get too close? Or is that when we cannot, just absolutely cannot, face things about ourselves we charge on a hunt to find fault with others? That we cannot extend grace to others because we cannot bear to extend it to ourselves? Watch out how quickly you make judgments, we are all people, all infallible, all loving, all hurting, all grieving something or someone.....such is life...

Quote from a blog that caught my attention:

"This week Beth Moore talked on James 1:2-3. James wastes no time tackling a challenge by the 2nd verse in the book. 'Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.' Wow, consider it joy. She talked on the presence of anguish and joy co-existing. I can attest to the fact that not only can anguish and joy co-exist, they do! I loved a quote she used from Angie Smith, 'Grief and Joy danced together as if they had the right.' I can only say Amen to that. I too have experienced that strange dance that seems so odd. I am learning that this presence of anguish and joy, pain and peace, grief and joy. Whichever words may be used to describe it. Not only can co-exist but will co-exist in that strange dance for the rest of mine and our girls lives....The definition that can be used for endurance here that I most relate to is a person determined to stay on his feet, holding tight to Jesus."

Oh how there is JOY! Take a look at some of it!

~Good Times Camping w/ the Fam~

~My Sweet Little Guy Isaiah~

~My Sweet Princess Abigail~

Yes, Grief and Joy can co-exist, they must or we are denying ourselves basic truths of humanity if we have lived a day on our own at all and reached out beyond the walls of our imprisoned hearts to risk loving and losing, gaining and letting go. Life is full of so much beauty, and the most beautiful of all is on the other side, with incredible glimpses this side through the eyes of my children, the light that shines there, the anticipation of what life has to offer, the simplicity of their love and grace and forgiveness...How they struggle to understand and make sense of the world around them, what an honor to be entrusted with their upbringings and how inept I truly am to do it, every single second of it, without clinging to my Rock, Jesus.

I grieve that maybe no more children will enter our home, that this season of my life is coming to a close, but I grieve as I simultaneously am having the time of my life with my precious 3 and 6 yr old, nothing and no one can take that joy from me, not what life dishes out or what life pours on...God is still God no matter what. He knows we would welcome another child into our home through possibly adoption, but it would have to be a total God-thing! But no matter what, I am ecstatic, I am so in love with my children, and I have never been happier. Am I still grieving my 2 children waiting for me on the other side? Yes. Does that make me unstable, unable to be a great mom? Absolutely not, in fact, it adds a lot to the table for me, I bring some things to motherhood I may not or would not for sure have brought to the table before their lives and deaths. I am "more" from having been a Mom of 4 sweet little ones, not less. I am "enlarged" in heart and spirit, in courage, in love, by having been their Mom...I am not less of a Mom because I had 2 babies die...there is more of me now to give, to love from, to rejoice in, to be blessed by. There is more of me now, and there always will be, and I am very proud to be the Mom that I am to ALL my children.

~

Glimpses of Me

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 22:30:00 +0000

I got this memorial cherry blossom tattoo just this past February in time for the 5 yr anniversary of my daughter zoe's death, and the 2nd anniversary of my daughter addie's death. It is located on my left shoulder where I hold my babies heads and rock them etc....xo... In my front yard I have 2 weeping cherry trees in honor of the girls :) One is a Japanese weeping cherry with pink blossoms and the other is a Snow Fountain weeping cherry with white blossoms...

Profile shot outside on my side deck; I'm certainly in a transitional period in my life with ministry stuff, parenting stuff, and even an odd place in my grief journey, I guess this photo depicts for me how I am looking to God for clear direction and guidance and for my peace and my hope. Nature always helps me connect with God xo

I can see how bloodshot my eyes are when I look at this pic, and the truth is I am weary these days and fighting to stay afloat for many reasons, weary yet grateful, tired yet hopeful, continuing to put one foot in front of the other and taking it all one day at a time xo

~

Do You Grieve Like Beethoven?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 19:20:00 +0000

I Will...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 05:53:00 +0000

I should be sleeping.

I have been avoiding my own blog.

Something has happened. Something has shifted. My attempts have failed.

The puzzle cannot be put back together again as it was.

Grief is ugly, beautiful, isolating, community building, and sometimes full of playground fights.

What has drawn so many women together online also seems to be our undoing at times.

The very thing that brought us together, tears us apart.

Judgments made before a person is known on even a small scale.

Misunderstandings happen.

Words are viciously slung about no matter who they hit or bleed upon.

Sides are taken where no war should have been going on in the first place.

Judgments keep happening without any real communication occurring.

Resentment, bitterness, and pettiness beg to be front and center.

I don't listen to their screaming voices.

I must keep walking. I must forgive.

I must accept that some will never take the time to really know me.

That they are fighting with some person of their own making, it isn't me, it may even be themselves.

I must remember that I am no better than anyone else and to start publicly name calling is senseless.

I remember that I have my own failings and areas of shortsightedness, but sometimes no amount of trying will open ears, no amount of cries will soften hearts.

Sometimes you do all you can do and you are still left with a war zone all around you.

I remember my vision. I remember my purpose.

It doesn't even matter who is wrong and who is right anymore.

All the colors have run together and become something they never were.

No one will listen. There is no reasoning. Pursuing peace comes to a grinding halt.

I cannot give in to the anger. I must give in to God.

Silly accusations parallel life and death decisions.

Rocks are slung while bigger hearts are bleeding, while truer people are living, loving, and dying.

I must remember what is most important, who is most important.

Conflict is a disagreeable teacher, but a wise one nonetheless, if we will but listen to what she teaches.

Here I am, I wish I could make it all better, but it is beyond me now, and maybe it always was.

I did my best, it was not enough for some, it was more than enough for the beautiful souls who gave me a chance.

Haunting how breaking happens when you weren't really part of the cracks that caused the breaking to begin with.

Shocking how condemnation rules as if it was all decided before you took a breath or knew their name.

Beautifully strange how grief is so divisive yet so intertwining all at once.

Here I am, better for the loving, better for the truth. Better with less friends than before, richer for the quality rather than quantity.

I will keep walking, I will keep running the race, I will keep fighting the fight. I will stay true to myself and true to God.

Grief Journeys - how it began

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 04:22:00 +0000

<p>I am &amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;</p>

www.griefjourneys.org

~