Chairman Of The Bored

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.” You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You [...]

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. I was working smarter – not harder. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating [...]

You Might Be An Internet Addict If…

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like [...]

Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left! You have no savings left because you [...]

If AOL Were A City…

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door [...]

You Might Be A Bad Customer If:

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are. You return the coffee because it’s too [...]

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.” “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?” “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.” “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed [...]

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head. You notice him shoving the last of his [...]

Doesn’t It Annoy You When…

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

…there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found? …you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer? …there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph [...]

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose [...]

Things To Think About Our Government

The Chairman — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse. 7 Have been arrested for fraud. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses. 3 Have been arrested for assault. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card. 14 Have been arrested on [...]

Miscellaneous yo mama jokes

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:46 +0000

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to [...]

A human’s chalkboard assignments

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting [...]

20 Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not [...]

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.” Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan. Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace. Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the [...]

Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

You don’t recall that line from It’s A Wonderful Life saying, “Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!” Your kid makes a fortune trading in “Elmo futures.” Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary “4th wise man” in new nativity scenes. The impossible-to-get “Tickle [...]

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

What do you mean today’s our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there. Is [...]

You Know You’re Having a Bad Day When…

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you [...]

Recalled Christmas Toys

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

Broken Bag-O-Glass Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook Timothy McVays home Chemistry set Switchblade Barney Pork-n-Beany Babies Make your own moonshine kit Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

You Know You’re Too Stressed If…

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You say the [...]

Signs You’re from New York

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:45 +0000

You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on [...]

Things You’ll Never Hear A Dad Say

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun? Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating [...]

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long. Agree to [...]

Why Dogs Don’t Use Computers

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.” Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. Involuntary tail wagging is [...]

The AOL Car

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. The windshield would have an extra dark [...]

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their [...]

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

A few crumbs short of a crouton. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full [...]

You Are No Longer “Cool” When

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year [...]

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.” Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever [...]

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not [...]

Signs Of The 2000′s

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. My idea of housework is to [...]

Thinnest Books

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton The Amish Phone Directory Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names French Hospitality Everything Women Know About Men Everything Men Know About Women Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches Different Ways To Spell Bob Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors America’s Most [...]

You Know You’re In California When…

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bulletproof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. Your mouse has only [...]

Gas Prices vs ?

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all [...]

Useless Inventions

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000

Non stick Cellotape Solar Powered Flash Light A black highlighter pen Glow in the dark sunglasses Inflatable Anchor Smooth Sandpaper Waterproof sponge Waterproof Teabags AC adapter for Solar powered calculators Fireproof Matches Fireproof Cigarettes Battery powered Battery Charger Seatbelts for Motorbikes Hand powered Chainsaw Inflatable Dartboard Silent Alarm Clock A Pedal powered wheelchair Braille Drivers [...]

Signs You’re Really Broke

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!” Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. Your [...]

Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Husseinfeld” “Mad About Everything” “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed” “Suddenly Sanctions” “Allah McBeal” “Wheel of Fortune and Terror” “Achmed’s Creek” “Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers” “Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs” “Just Shoot Me

Mysteries of T.V.

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Things You Wouldn’t Know Without The Tube All Of Life’s Mysteries Are On TV If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year. [...]

How Cold Is Cold?

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don’t start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, [...]

Top reasons why it’s great to be Canadian

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

It beats being an American. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? [...]

Top twenty things to do at a drivethru

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take [...]

Top ten reasons why it’s good to be Italian.

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes Unembarrassed to wear fur. No need to worry about tax returns Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d. Can wear sunglasses inside Political stability Flexible working hours Live near the Pope Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top ten reasosn why it’s great to be American

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

You can have a woman president without electing her You can spell colour wrong and get away with it You can call Budweiser beer You can be a crook and still be president If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything If you can breathe you can get a gun You [...]

Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

ValueJet: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you. ValueJet: We’re Amtrak with wings. Join our frequent near-miss program. On flights, every section is a smoking section. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn [...]

Top 10 Signs You Are ‘Burned Out’

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.” Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!” Your garbage can IS your “in” box. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care. You have [...]

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.” If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.” Reply to everything someone says with “that’s [...]

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!” Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly. Sell Girl Scout [...]

Top reasons why it’s great to be French

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs If there’s a war you can surrender really early You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. You can test your own nuclear [...]

10 Rejected Sat. Morning Cartoons

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:42 +0000

Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.” “Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.” “Archie, the Abcessed Tooth.” “Yosemite Sam…UNCENSORED!” “The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.” “Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.” “The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.” “COPS” in full color animation!

Fortune Cookie….

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie We know where you live. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes. Everyone’s meal today is on you! The “special sauce” came from the floor! Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!! Your [...]

Least Popular Halloween Handouts

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

Spinach flavored Rice Cakes. Teeth removing Taffy Metamucil in a straw Ex-Lax Brownies Caramel Covered Zucchini Colored Crisco on a Stick Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts Chocolate Covered Prunes A Handful of Red Man Anything that ticks!

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth. His restrooms are labeled “Bleeders” and “Non-Bleeders” Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance. Does an extensive search for cavities…dental and body. He…ummm..licks his tools clean. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line. When you come to from being under the [...]

Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

I got your community service right here pal!” “Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.” “You couldn’t carry Wapner’s gavel you moron!” “You’re not as easy to buy as others said you were.” “No you robe wearing geek.” “I don’t suppose there’s a “You get me off, I get you off” [...]

10 Signs Santa Has Been Drinking

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does! You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking. Betty Ford releases him [...]

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font. Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!” Your connection to his server is constantly refused. You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred. They no longer have access to a computer [...]

Overheard in Tax Office…

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer’s Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE [...]

The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

This is my tryout for Nascar.” “I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.” “That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!” “I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.” “Cause those Gorditas rule.” [...]

The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

You’re introduced to everyone as “The Minesweeper God”. You have visited every website in the world. You’re the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour. You’re able to pull staples out of papers [...]

10 Signs Your Broker …..

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash “He can’t come to the phone right now..he’s on the ledge.” “He won’t be in today…he was made an offer and he refused.” “He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift.” “I’m sorry, sir..she’s not in…she’s out digging up your can as we [...]

Never hear a man say

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say: Here honey, you use the remote. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see! While I’m up, can I get you anything? Honey since we don’t have anything else [...]

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

I could have sworn I heard the can opener. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs? I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives? Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t [...]

Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral

The Chairman — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:38:41 +0000

Geez, what died in here? He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress. Nice service…where’s the keg? When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!! Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have [...]

The Top 10 Signs You’re Flying On A Bad Airline