My Bipolar World

Happy Easter!

2012-04-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

So, I'm contemplating how I can fit more into my day, and it is driving me crazy. There are so many things that I think I need to do, but I can't get them all accomplished in the day. I have been doing a lot of things myself. Such as, I make my own laundry detergent, cleaners, jam (and other canned things), concoctions such as playdough and paints for the kids, and it's really fun. However, there are things I need to do, so many appointments to keep, shuffling the kids to and from places they need or want to go, and then there is writing. I am trying to keep up...I really am.

I got some bad news the other day about my glucose test, and now I have to go in for a 3 hours glucose test on Tuesday (I have a doctor's appointment on Monday). I'm also waiting on a new referral for the high risk pregnancy specialist and waiting for my authorization for my therapy. I need therapy. There are too many things going on in my life, and I need some perspective. Had a terrible panic attack last night, because I felt like my baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. She's pretty calm nearly all day. Thankfully, she kicks the crap out of me all night.

I planted a lot of seeds today, and hope they sprout. I'm trying to train myself to be more self-sufficient; especially since I can't really get a job...

Not a good day...

2012-04-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

I so hate depression. I miss my mania and things are not going my way. Realized my propane was on '0' (if you have natural gas, you may not understand, but propane is prepaid and they come and fill up a tank, so once it is gone, it's gone) and I don't get paid until the 20th, so that means no hot water, clean clothes, dishes, children...etc. That made ma upset enough...

Then I get a message saying my appointments with the genetic counselor and for an ultrasound to check on baby's kidneys have been canceled, because my insurance changed! Well, apparently at the beginning of April my insurance changed, and the doctor I was referred to doesn't take it. I didn't get a notice in the mail or anything, so now I'm very stressed about not knowing if my baby is ok. I was so looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow and finally getting a step closer to knowing if she was alright, but now I have to wait for another referral and appointment...however long that is going to take.

I have been crying all morning. I'm broke and feel helpless...hopeless... I hope my assessment is processed quickly so I can go back to my therapist soon. The anxiety and depression is driving me insane. I just want to go back to bed. Unfortunately, I have things to do. Have to go to the bank and deposit the little money I do have so the checks I wrote don't bounce tonight. How pathetic. Then...I am broke again and have to worry about what to feed the family...and how to cook it. :(

Therapy...

2012-03-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't had any coffee this morning, so I'm feeling a little blah. I had forgotten that I was out of iced coffee (for some reason baby girl doesn't like hot coffee) and there is some coffee with sugar chilling in the fridge, and hopefully it will get me through the afternoon. I'm going to keep telling myself that that is the reason my mood is sour this morning.

I woke up to a filthy house (surprise, surprise!) and that didn't help. I think that one of my goals for today will be to make some chore charts for the kids. I know my daughter has been consumed with caring for the baby bunnies (who are either dead or near death) that our dog brought home, and she will not be happy to come home to find them all deceased, but I can't do everything by myself. Middle son is always a challenge to get to help, and hopefully oldest son will be in a good mood today.

Yesterday, I got absolutely nothing accomplished at home because I was out all day. I had a gestational diabetes test, and that was a blast. I got some writing done and listened to some racist old women, along with a woman who exclaimed, "I hate being 90!" and various other humorous comments filled my hour.

Then, it was off to therapy, which was really nice. She is completely different from my last therapist (who really just sat and listened to me for a year and never gave any advice, but the psychiatrist was not shy at all to prescribe drugs that caused me to be suicidal and never giving me an accurate diagnosis). She was very positive that she could help with my anxiety and other bipolar issues, and I left feeling very confident.

Today, I'm going to try and do as much as I can without beating myself up about it. I'm sad...I hate that feeling.

I think the mania is officially over...

2012-03-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Today is my oldest son's 14th birthday and I am trying to be happy, but I've been sad all day. I miss the mania. I always hope it will last forever, but it never does. For my son's birthday I got him a checking account and deposited money in it, which should have made him happy (he really likes that kind of stuff) but it didn't. He has been mean and nasty to me all day and I just want to hug him, but he would never let me.

My middle son had this huge bumps on his side and it looks like a staph infection (my little one had one several years ago, so I've seen it before) so now, not only am I sad, but panicked and it's after 5pm, so I have to wait until tomorrow to take him to the doctor to confirm my fears.

The kids are going to Legoland with their dad on Friday, but I'm not going because I'm too pregnant to ride the rides and my oldest doesn't want to go. He is having friends over, so I figured we could clean the house, including the carpets. I love those kids more than life it hurts so bad when they say horrible things to me. I am miserable and wish that I could find something to make me happy again.

What a day...

2012-03-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if I can convey in words, what a tumultuous day today has been. Woke up in a fantastic mood, although I had jury duty. Figured I could sit there, write, and all would be right in the world. Well, the first part was accurate, then I was called in to a courtroom at 10:30 and by this time, my back was hurting and not in the 'I spent 15 hours yesterday cleaning my house and making things for my babies in a manic craze' sort of way. This was a 'When the hell can I can out of here and go to the hospital, because I feel a kidney stone' pain. So, luckily I was excused from jury duty, due to the fact that I have a high risk pregnancy and have too many appointments to commit to jury service, and I fled to the hospital.

There I received wonderful pain medication, but learned that they really couldn't do much for me or scan me properly while I was pregnant. So, I went to the pharmacy, found out my insurance didn't cover the dosage that was prescribed for me, cried, and realized I was depressed. I am not sure if it was from the opiates or the crappy news I've received all week, but I'm definitely not feeling my best. I sad. I'm worried. I want to feel good again. Maybe tomorrow?

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I am going to schedule a therapy appointment. Should have done that earlier...

I love being manic...

2012-03-13T10:55:00.001-07:00

Mania for me, it pretty fantastic! I have more energy, start new projects, eat healthier and wake up in a much better mood. It makes me very sad that one day, it will be gone and I will have to deal again with the depression, foggy brain, and non-productivity. I get up, wash dishes and clothes, write, and make things for the kids.

For instance, this morning, I got up before 6am, made monkey bread for breakfast, chocolate chip cookies for the kids' lunches, crocheted a skein into the beginning of a baby blanket my little unborn girl, washed two hand-washed loads of dishes, and the second load of laundry is in the washer (first is in the dryer), I've promoted some of my articles, and have much more planned for today. I do realize I will crash this afternoon, but it will be a well-deserved nap. I only wish that I could motivate my son to turn off the TV and play.

I thought I was going to lose it
yesterday though. I got a call from my OB saying that there may be an issue with my daughter's kidney's, but it is too soon to tell, and she is referring me to a specialist. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. The doctor said that it could be a normal variation, and not to worry. It's a little difficult though, when there is a helpless little baby in your womb that depends on you for survival. I hope she's ok. She's kicking the crap out of me, so I know she's happy.

Like I said, I've been writing a lot, and now I am the Channel Manager of the Teens channel on Helium. Here are some articles I have been working on, and I hope to add more today.
How to handle unwanted parenting advice
Tips for efficient house cleaning
Money is the root of all evil
Why writing for Helium is better than blogging
Reflections: Abortion
Setting social media limits for your pre-teens

Pictures I took yesterday:

Aches and pains

2012-03-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

So today I'm trying to fend off all the aches and pains. Headache, backache, my joints are still, and have painful heartburn that won't quit! I am trying not to let it ruin my day. I am desperate to be happy and want to get some housework and writing done. Tonight is a busy night, the boys have Open House at their school, and I don't want to be crabby and miserable. It is moments like these when I REALLY wish ibuprofen wasn't off limits.

I am very happy to have my little man home today though. We are watching Rocko's Modern Life, which I can't stand, but hopefully I will feel better soon and can read and play with the love of my life. We ate a good breakfast and just relaxing. I wish all of my children enjoyed being around me as much as he does. It makes me sad to think he'll outgrow me too...

Everything I read says that ibuprofen is relatively safe during the second trimester, so I'm sure it wouldn't hurt. I am SO miserable!

So busy!

2012-03-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

I have had so many thoughts and ideas going through my head, it is hard to keep up. You guessed it, mania is and has been for at least a couple weeks in full swing and I couldn't be happier. I have been writing, cleaning, and my kids have so much going on! This month I have two sons with birthdays, and then they have projects, we are looking into new schools for next year, it has been a whirlwind of excitement!

Tonight my middle son has a mission project to finish, so I'm going to take my little guy to Barnes & Noble for his free birthday cupcake to keep him out of brother's way. I love spending one on one time with all of my children, although that can be difficult.

I went to the lab yesterday to get my ultrasound, and although the printer wasn't working, I took a few pictures, which was nice to see. Today, I am 21 weeks, 5 days pregnant. And hooray, it is still a baby girl! I can't wait for my precious little one to be here!

So happy!

2012-02-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

It was hard to get out of bed this morning, and once I got going, I was tired. Then, I had some iced coffee, and I am good to go. I am in a terrific mood, have so many things on my to do list, but not stressing whatsoever. I want to take on the world.

That's may favorite feeling about being bipolar. Sometimes the mania causes anxiety, like yesterday, but other times it just puts me in a terrific mood and I love life and want to take as many good things as I can get out of it, while giving people as much back as humanly possible.

I don't care if I cross off all my to dos today, because I feel I've accomplished enough already. Here are a few articles that I've finished lately:

Freecycle: The ultimate recycle tool
How to apply for a CitizenCard in the UK
Judgement of others
Pros and cons of shopping at warehouse clubs
Where to find savings coupons for almost anything
How to make rainbow cupcakes

Trying to stay busy!

Struggling with everything...

2012-02-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

I am mid-anxiety attack right now, and it is hard to breathe. My heart feels like it is going to explode! My kids have the week off from school and I feel like everything is a battle. It hurts, both physically and mentally. All I want is a clean home! I ask everyone to pitch in and it is a constant battle until I break. I hate it. I shouldn't have to clean up after all of the inhabitants of my home, right?

They are very messy. Messier than they think, and I struggle everyday to clean up, just to wake up to a disaster the next morning. I'm really trying. They don't think they should have to clean unless someone is coming over. Really??

I came from a house, where if everything wasn't put back in its place by morning, my grandmother was livid! It was stressful to make sure that I didn't make a mess, or at least cleaned up everything before I went to bed. I didn't want my kids to have that kind of stress, but come on, they don't clean up anything! I wake up to wrappers and bottles all over, half empty cups, bowls, plates, you name it, everywhere!

I just want to cry! I can't handle having a messy home, one where I would be embarrassed to have anyone see! Clutter and mess depresses me and fighting with them about it causes anxiety. I feel nauseated and weak. This is not a feeling that I relish. Lack of organization is one of my triggers. I love things to be clean and organized. Sometimes I feel like that is unattainable...

Lazy Saturday...

2012-02-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm taking it easy today. I didn't even wake up until after 11, which isn't normal. I have no idea why I'm so tired. Well, I have one idea. Sometimes I think when I take that sleeping pill when I'm already tired, it makes it harder to get up in the morning. I really wish I could stop taking them, but when I tried for two days, my nausea and indigestion comes back. This girl is a little high maintenance already.

So, I've started laundry, dishes are my next household chore to tackle, but I really feel like getting some writing and promoting done today. So, I made some passion tea lemonade, and am fighting off the urge to fall back asleep. Not sure if I will win, but I can try!

Today is all about enjoying those little people I made and not stressing...

Hello Friday!

2012-02-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

There is so much on my mind and it is a bit difficult to organize my thoughts. I know this is part of mania, and it's making me a bit anxious. Maybe mama needs some meditation...

If you were to see the state of my kitchen, I would be mortified. It wasn't like that yesterday, but my children are free thinkers and do-ers and the only problem is that they don't clean up after themselves. This is my fault, because apparently I haven't trained them well enough. I walked in and couldn't believe the mess. I'm one of those, "I'd rather clean this up, rather than yell at you for hours to do it" kind of moms and yes, that is a fault as well. Why should I give myself and anxiety attack because they won't listen?? I'll tell you why...because that is the only way I can teach them to be responsible adults, and that is, after all, my job. I shall work on that...

I miss my son!! :) He's coming back soon, but it is driving me crazy. I'm sure a lot of my anxiousness is stemming from his safe return. I am so happy to have a whole week with all four of them!

So far, I have made 29 cents today on Helium, and you may laugh, but I was at 11 cents! lol I have been using Twitter (@lilfaerie if you want to join my in the conversation) and RedGage to promote my articles, and am looking for others. StumbleUpon was a bit of a disappointment, but I'm sure there is a trick I don't know about. I love writing...it keeps me sane. I'm also addicted to Pinterest (lilfaerie) and I will follow you if you follow me.

Hope everyone is having a great Friday!

I haven't napped yet??

2012-02-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

So, I've been up since 5, and still not crashed. After my morning rant, I wrote two articles, picked up the kids, got groceries, and came home in the rain. It is raining so hard, and I can't help thinking about my son on the island and hope he's somewhere indoors not freezing his butt off!

Can atheists have soulmates?
Healthy snacks for preschoolers

I really want to say that I'm going to write some more and keep this momentum going, but I'm not sure if that is true. I've already promised my mother than I would go with her to the store, although I really don't need to go again, and after that, it's time to make dinner, and get the evening routine going. At least tomorrow will be a quiet day. I get to stay home with my little man, and I hope that I can keep up the productivity and it's not a repeat of yesterday...

Happy and sad...

2012-02-15T10:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day in bed, didn't do ANYTHING, not even a load of laundry. I watched House on the computer, didn't take a shower until 6pm, slept and stared at a computer screen. I was a mess. It makes me feel awful when I'm like that. I'm better than that. Like I've said before, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Today, I woke up at 5am, battled the cold, and forced myself to get up and take my oldest son to school at 6am, so that he could go on a field trip to Catalina Island. He'll be back on Friday. I came home, got the rest of the kids ready, took them to school, came home, washed dishes, clothes, and began writing. What is wrong with me? I can be better, I know that I can, so why is it so hard to be consistent?

I cried, I miss my son, even though he's normally be at school now anyway. It's just that I know he's far away, I worry about him getting seasick because he wouldn't take any Dramamine, I hope that he's not too insecure to go snorkeling in a bathing suit (he hates wearing one) and I know he's not going to be mine for much longer. He'll be 14 next month, and in 4 years that little baby that made me a mom will be off on his own. He'll go off to college, and I won't be able to see him everyday. I don't like this part of being a parent, because although I will be his mother for eternity, I know I will always need him more than he needs me.

I need a nap!

2012-02-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

So, I've been feeling pretty good lately, and feeling the need to get things accomplished. This morning after I took the kids to school, I went to Murrieta and got my lab work done and picked up my paper work for my ultrasound, and scheduled that too. Washed some dishes, did some laundry, then the fatigue set in. Now I'm tired and just feel like a nap.

I made the Helium homepage today with this article, and was pretty excited:
How to make homemade powdered laundry detergent

I thought that I would write more today, and perhaps I will, but not right now...

Beautiful day!

2012-02-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful day. My son had a field trip down in San Diego and I got to spend the day in my favorite city all day. Well, favorite so far, because I haven't been anywhere in England. So, I watched the ships, saw seals in the bay, and bought two roses from a guy in front of Anthony's Fish Grotto who made the most amazing creations out of palm fronds.

I really love San Diego. It's beautiful and the most wonderful city. The people are more laid back than LA and you see people all day who enjoy life...even the homeless ones.

I also went to the outdoor mall that is in the Gaslamp Quarter and played chess on a huge chess board. Of course I won!

A few other things didn't go so well, but I am not let that spoil my day or even think about it. Tomorrow is a busy day as well, because my little one was invited to a birthday party. I am really excited to see how tomorrow works out.

Gloomy morning...

2012-02-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Today, I had to get up early, because someone from the propane company is coming by to convert my dryer to propane, and getting up was no easy task. Crazy dreams, muscle and joint soreness, and a headache were some of my contenders to deal with, but I really want this to be a good day. I promised the little one that we would make homemade fingerpaint.

I took our mountains of laundry to the laundry mat last last and by the end of the ordeal my sciatic nerve was just a little bothered. Bought little one shoes, got some paint chips for a craft project for the girl, and paint for our bathroom. I can't wait to see her face when the bathroom is pink. She will be so happy!

So, when I came home and saw that the boys only did a half (expletive deleted) job in the house, I was a little unhappy, but it didn't stop me from staying up until after midnight cleaning the kitchen. It needed to be done.

So, this morning I have more cleaning to do, and I had this thought that made me a little sad. I believe in living each day to its fullest potential. We only get a certain number of days on this wonderful planet and it seems selfish to waste even one. However, most days I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to hold on and I want each day to melt away until the next just until I can be happy again. It's not fair. Today, is one of those days where I'm determined to fight the bad feelings and pain and embrace the little things. It looks like rain outside, but inside it is nice and cozy, and I feel safe here. I want my kids to come home and be excited to join me and feel like this is our haven. That is my goal today...

Unpredictable...

2012-02-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Saturday I woke up and felt fantastic. Sunday, I had a headache and body aches and felt horrible. Today, I didn't manage to wake myself up until 10:30am. I felt like I'd been drugged. I fell asleep around 9:30pm last night, had extremely vivid dreams, and had a very hard time waking up. I was so tired, even when I managed to get up. Now, I feel ok, but still more tired than usual. I feel like writing...

I know I've had much more sugar than I should have this morning, and that is making me feel guilty. Right now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet in the house and watching "Grimm." I need to clean my house, I wish I had more energy.

I got incentive payments for these articles, which made me happy.
How to make homemade finger paints
Best type of milk for toddlers
And then I was feeling somewhat philosophical:
Reflections: How do we know that we exist?

Yesterday, although I wasn't feeling so great, I went to the swap meet with SO and two of our boys. I bought a lemon tree, my first citrus tree or tree of any kind, and I can't wait to plant it. I want to grow things. The lemons are so beautiful.

I think that I need to make the kids' chores more defined. They don't help out nearly as much as they should, and I don't have the energy to do it all right now. I hate feeling like this, but I hate letting the house suffer even more.

Saturdays...

2012-02-04T10:17:00.000-08:00

I love Saturdays, they are so full of promise. I don't have access to a vehicle today, so that is no good, but it is nice to sleep in with the kids and I have plenty to do around here. I look around my house and it is thrashed, but today, if full or promise, remember?

I started writing a reflection the other day when I was watching my daughter read, and I finished it up this morning while watching her sleep. I am so proud of her, of all my kids. She is an inspiration for many of the things that I do.

Reflections: Being a bipolar parent

I also wrote an article about milk for toddlers, but it hasn't transitioned to Helium yet, because it could possibly get that $1.00 incentive payment. I know it isn't much, but it makes me happy to write, and I am hoping that one day I generate enough traffic to make a side income. I want to provide things for my kids that I can't now. I have so many responsibilities that I know if I tried to get an outside job, I couldn't provide for them what I do now. I've learned my limits, and now with a baby on the way, those limits are bound to be pushes again. So, for now, I write...

Today is a good day, I can feel it. I hope that everyone is having a fantastic day!

Feeling better...

2012-02-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was pretty fantastic, other than my son hit me with a shopping cart and my foot bled all over the floor, then at night, my daughter left a thumbtack on the floor, which I stepped on, and that was a bloody mess as well. But, other than that, it was great.

I had a ultrasound and learned that my little was was not only active and healthy, but a girl!! I am thrilled. I feel so old and in so much pain, but at least I know my last child will be a little girl, and I haven't had one of those in a very long time. Had fun showing the kids the pictures and videos.

I also picked up a beautiful laptop at a pawn shop for less than $200!! I was excited and passed my netbook on to my daughter. Had fun with tax money, buying them clothes and things we have needed for a long time! It was a good feeling. Today, the little one gets a haircut and shoes, which he so desperately needs. Sometimes, I am envious of people that can go out and do these types of things when they need to, but today I am just happen that once a year we can play catch up.

I also got incentive payments for the two articles that I wrote on Helium. It was $1.00 a piece, but I was excited mine were chosen. They are here:
Ways to make the most out of gift cards
Worst money advice ever

So, today I have so much more to do, well at least until I am in too much pain to do anymore!

Money is supposed to make me happy...

2012-01-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, we learned today that the tax refund is on its way and will post tomorrow night. I should be elated. I am really trying. I think the problem is that I am stuck at home with broken appliances, but tonight will be fun. We bought some gift cards to spend while we wait and are going out to dinner with the kids. My job is to sort coupons and clean the house, but I'm not in the mood. I will try to motivate myself, however, and get some things done. I'm sure once I take a shower and bask in the sunshine, I will feel better and that mania will kick in.

I'm busy writing today. I wrote an article yesterday that will transition to Helium once that an article is purchased, and I have two more assignments to write. I am over half way done with one of them, then just one more to go. Then I think it's time for some creative writing. Happy Monday!

Sunday morning, babies and dreams...

2012-01-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

So last night I had dreams about my grandmother, who is deceased, and was the most stable parental figure in my life. It was like glimpsing the future if she was still alive and my oldest two children were the age they are now. My younger kids, the ones I had after she died, were not in this dream. She was angry with us, and everything we did seemed to be wrong. Brought back many memories...

I am anxious about getting to the doctor and checking on the baby. I don't feel him/her move often, of course I'm only 16 weeks, but it is making my nervous. I want to see him/her, hear the heartbeat, and be assured everything is fine, because what if it's not?

I won't let my anxiety get the best of me today though. It is Sunday and there is nothing to do but hang out with the family and clip coupons. Today is a day of rest and I want to enjoy that.

It will get better...

2012-01-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and needed to get things done. I started laundry, dishes, went grocery shopping, but the sciatic pain was too much, so I ended up watching movies with the kids all day and scavenging the internet for homemade recipes. I think it would be nice to put a little more effort into making things like household cleaners at home. There was a time when the kids and I made lots of stuff, but it all falls apart when I start feeling bad.

I'm so tired, and I don't know why. Well, that should not be a mystery, I'm pregnant, but I feel really worn out. I think the pain makes me even more tired than usual. Tomorrow I am setting absolutely no expectations of myself. I will rest and pick up again on Monday. I think I deserve it.

Frantically...

2012-01-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

I've been frantically writing today. I'm not sure if it is the caffeine or the mania, but probably a little combination of both. I am a little stressed because I have so much to do today, but I was able to finish four articles that I started and I want to keep going. Probably is, I have a life. Off to go pick up the kids and get my little miss ready for her dance.
The short story is my favorite!
Is it appropriate for gay couples to adopt children?
Short stories: Death of a sibling
Contemplating the purpose of life
Reflections: What would you do with a million pounds?

Patience...

2012-01-27T09:35:00.000-08:00

So, today, I'm a little bit calmer, although there was another series of fights to get into this morning, and I'm sitting at Starbucks enjoying the ambiance. I've had time to think and I'm going to try and explain why I get so frustrated and "negative." Here is an example:

Before payday, I try to get everything in order. I clean the fridge for food shopping, I make a list of things I need, I use a spreadsheet and fill out a detailed budget, and sort my coupons, things like that. Then, payday comes, and there is an enormous amount of information that floods my brain. It is overwhelming and I can't focus on a single objective. They all try to make their way to the front of the line and battle for my attention. Then comes the rush of emotions, anxiety attacks, and I screw everything up. This often leads to sadness because I'm broke and I haven't accomplished what I set out to do.

This is just an example. I don't mean for it to happen, and several different situations end the same way. I try to plan, I try to rationalize everything, but my brain gets overloaded and I lose focus. I panic. I try and try to do better next time, and sometimes it works, most of the time, it doesn't. I think eventually I will figure out how to deal with these situations a little better. In fact, I'm surprised that it is Friday and I have any money left at all. That is a rarity. I even was able to buy my daughter some shoes, earrings, and a clutch for her dance tonight and I can get her nail done too (Hooray for $10 manicures!). I still have bills that are unpaid and desperately waiting the tax money, but I think I need to step back and take a breath. The care isn't fixed, but we have a loaner car, and I am confident everything will be just fine.