Reflections

Well… It Worked.

2026-05-18T17:20:09.901-05:00

My Mom dealt with severe anxiety for as long as I can remember. She was on medication her entire adult life, and to her, running out simply wasn’t an option.

Navigating that anxiety became a constant thread throughout our lives.

When I was around 40, I had to take my Mom to the emergency room, and we already knew she’d be admitted into the ICU overnight.

My Mom was absolutely spiraling at the thought of going without her anxiety medication, Ativan.

So she asked me to bring some.

Once she got admitted, the two of us suddenly became part of an undercover operation trying to sneak the Ativan past the nurses.

(Please do not do this 😄)

That’s how serious her anxiety was.

Which is why it became a full-blown crisis the day her longtime psychiatrist retired when I was about 14 years old.

She found a brand-new psychiatrist and booked an appointment, even though she was incredibly nervous about it.

While she sat across from him, the doctor reviewed her chart, and then suddenly looked up at her with complete confusion.

“So, uh… what medication are you currently taking?" he asked flipping to another page.

Mom told him.

He blinked.

Then looked back at her again.

“Ma’am… that medication is for bedwetting.”

Without missing a beat, my mother looked him dead in the eye and shrugged.

“Well… it worked.”

To her, it was a perfectly reasonable answer.

Honestly, it still cracks me up—and I wonder if he tells this story, too.

In her mind, the important thing was simple:

The medication helped her.

End of discussion.

That was my Mom—completely unintentionally hilarious.

The doctor probably never recovered from this 😄

Where She Sat

2026-04-20T18:30:00.001-05:00

Every so often, a particular memory resurfaces—one that, with the wisdom of adulthood, takes on an entirely new meaning. This one comes from my childhood, spent mostly along the Frio River in Concan, Texas.

From about eight years old, weekends at the river were our ritual. My mom eventually bought a few acres, and it became our second home. We camped there—our land—while spending our days a couple of miles away at a small park that gave us access to the river.

For a few years after her divorce in ’77, it was just the two of us. A quiet, steady rhythm of mother and daughter.

My Mom had a spark—playful, a little wild, and completely at home out there.

Concan sits in the heart of the Texas Hill Country—clear, cool water winding through limestone, cypress trees stretching over the riverbanks, sunlight dancing across everything. In the summer, it could be crowded—families, coolers, laughter echoing across the water, every good spot claimed early.

But this day wasn’t like that.

It was quiet—almost too quiet.

I don’t remember many people at all—no clusters of campers, no steady line of tubers drifting by. It felt more like a weekday than the busy weekends we were used to. Open. Still.

The Texas Hill Country—open, safe, and mine to explore.

The part of the river we loved sat just beside Neal’s Lodges—
a place full of hidden corners I knew by heart.

The Bear Cave. The Blue Hole. Casey’s Fall.

Names I had given them myself, as if I were claiming little pieces of the world.

Trails crisscrossed the area, and I wandered them freely—sometimes with my mom, often on my own—completely at ease in a place that felt like it belonged to me.

“Bear Cave”—a name I gave it, and a place that felt like my own little discovery.

One day, I ran into a couple of older kids—teenagers, I realize now—near the river. I was probably ten. A total tomboy. Completely trusting.

I started showing them my favorite places—the ones that felt like mine.

We wandered through the quiet, nearly empty campground, cutting across areas that were usually filled with people. I proudly pointed out the Bear Cave—one of my favorite places to explore. Massive boulders sat stacked and scattered, like they had fallen from the cliffs hundreds of years ago. At least, that’s how I imagined it.

We searched for tadpoles in the shallow water, moving slowly along the edges, but I also made sure to take them to what I considered the best spot—the deepest part of the campground. A place where one large boulder sat alone in the water, the surface dropping off into something darker and quieter. It felt different there. Still. Like its own little world.

I remember feeling proud—like I was letting them in on something special.

The deepest spot I knew—quiet, still, and a little mysterious.

At some point, they asked if I wanted to join them for dinner. I told them I needed to check with my mom—it was getting close to dark—and they didn’t hesitate. They walked back with me without question.

We headed toward the park—the one we used during the day, a couple of miles from where we camped.

I didn’t realize then how much she was always watching out for me.

As we came around the bend, I saw her.

She was sitting alone at one of the concrete picnic tables.

Everything else was gone.

The cooler, the tubes, the lawn chairs—the usual mess of a full day—had all been packed up and put away. That alone told me something was off. I always helped her pack everything up. That was just what we did.

But this time, it was already done.

It was just her. A drink. A book sitting open in front of her—one she clearly hadn’t been able to read. Her cigarettes nearby.

Waiting.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, casually introducing them. “They invited me to cook out with them.”

Her response came fast and sharp:

“No. We need to leave. Right now.”

There was no discussion. No softening. Just urgency.

The boys backed off immediately.

At ten years old, I didn’t fully understand what I was seeing—but I felt it. Something wasn’t right.

Looking back now, I think she was caught somewhere between two instincts in that moment—relief that I was okay, and anger that I had been gone so long. The kind of split-second tension only a parent could feel.

But what stayed on the surface was the urgency.

We were leaving.

What I didn’t realize then—and what she never needed to say—was what those hours must have been like for her.

Now, I can picture it. Calling my name into empty trails. Walking farther and farther, trying to stay calm while something deeper starts to take over. That moment when time stretches just a little too long, and the questions begin.

Where is she?

Is she okay?

I had wandered farther than she could find me. Out of sight. Out of reach.

And I had no idea.

As a child, I was just doing what children do—exploring a world that felt safe, trusting the people in it, never questioning that I would be fine.

But now, I see the other side of that day.

Not as something I did wrong—but as something she carried.

The fear.
The waiting.
The not knowing.

My mom is the one who taught me to love the outdoors—to wander, to explore, to feel at home in places like The Frio River.

She passed away in 2011, yet her hold in my heart is still very strong.

And sometimes, when this memory comes back, I think about that day—not from where I stood—

but from where she sat.

Alone.

The Kindest Thing You Can Do is Let Someone Else Be Kind

2026-03-04T16:20:00.001-06:00

I’ve learned countless lessons from my friend June, and while one of the biggest was a life changing moment for me, another little tidbit has stuck with me for years.

It’s a small, simple moment that reveals so much about human connection.

(And shows what a a wonderful person June was.)

I was with June downtown one day when a woman asked us if we needed directions. I knew June was familiar with the area, but for some reason she politely told the woman she didn't know the way. The woman then happily gave June a detailed set of directions.

As we walked away, I asked June why she pretended not to know where we were going.

June’s answer was simple and profound: “People like to help others. It makes them feel good.”

I can still picture the scene perfectly:

June listened intently, nodding and smiling, and the woman genuinely happy to be helping, as she pointed to the direction down around the corner where we needed go. When she finished, June thanked her with a huge, grateful smile - and even a hug! They both walked away a little happier.

In that small interaction, June taught me that sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is let someone else be kind.

It’s a beautiful reminder that connection and shared joy can be found in the simplest of exchanges.

(Gemini created)

The Unseen Burden of Certain Questions

2025-05-16T20:29:00.000-05:00

It's incredibly tough when seemingly innocent questions cause deep pain, especially during vulnerable times. And they aren't trivial instances - some have a significant emotional impact, and they stay with us.

Sometimes, a seemingly simple question can inflict deep emotional distress, even if that's not the asker's intent. While "terrible" might not be the exact word, there are moments when a question, innocently posed, places you in an incredibly difficult and uncomfortable position. It's hard to explain, but there have been a few times in my life where such a question has left me feeling profoundly upset, precisely because of the unfair position I felt like I was in.

I'll share an example that still brings me to tears (even as I type this out), even almost 14 years later. When my Mom was in hospice, someone asked if they could visit her... during her final hours. My Mom and I were incredibly close, and I knew she would only want one person by her side during that intimate time: me; the love of her life (she would always exclaim). She wouldn't have wanted a crowd; or people gawking at her, or anything like that; she just wanted me there by her side. Further, this person was someone my Mom didn't really like.

So, through my own grief and tears, I gently said no. But then, they asked again. Having to reiterate "no" while my Mom was dying and all I wanted was to be fully present with her was excruciating. It was an unimaginable burden to be forced into that conflict during such a raw, suffering time.

I was very upset that someone would place me in such a position when I was already so vulnerable. Their focus seemed to be solely on their own desire to "be there," without considering the immense emotional cost to me, or my Mom's wishes. This person had barely been present in my Mom's life for the past two years, only showing up once when she was very sick, and then suddenly wanting to be there at the very end just didn't align with what I knew my Mom wanted. As someone who naturally tries to please others, it's already incredibly difficult for me to say no or risk hurting feelings. To do so while enduring such profound personal suffering felt almost unbearable.

This experience highlights the invisible weight certain questions can carry. It serves as a powerful reminder to consider the impact of our inquiries on others, especially when they may be navigating difficult circumstances. Even now, facing a personal medical procedure that requires assistance, I find myself hesitant to ask for help, fearing I'll inconvenience someone or put them in an awkward position where they feel obligated rather than genuinely wanting to help.

Not By Myself

2024-03-25T18:56:00.003-05:00

I go to restaurants all the time by myself, a simple consequence of living alone.

It's never bothered me to sit alone in a restaurant or at the bar of a restaurant. I share this because a close friend of mine has major anxiety and is so self-conscious about dining alone, she avoids it if at all possible. To me, it is a normal feeling, normal situation.

A few months ago, I went to an IHOP to have a late morning breakfast while my car was being worked on. I love me some IHOP and crave their delicious pancakes.

Several times over the years, I would sometimes see someone else in the restaurant within eyesight that is also eating alone. It crosses my mind - do I have the guts to ask them if I can sit with them or would they like to sit with me? I was never brave enough to approach them. But, as we both would sit there, each other on our phones or just eating alone, it made me think it would be neat if someday that might really happen.

Low and behold, this opportunity came up at that IHOP! I was waiting to be seated when another lady came in the door to eat also. As the hostess began to walk me to my seat, she asked the lady to come too, so she could sit her at the same time. I asked for a booth and the hostess gave me one. Then the lady asked for a booth, too, but none were available, only tables. She kinda looked around in shock, as did I, seeing a whole nother section vacant with plenty of booths, but they didn't have enough servers to open that section.

I looked at the lady and I could tell her booth request was a deal breaker and she turned around and started to walk away. I then nonverbally motioned my hands and offered her to sit down with me at the booth. And, she did!

We sat and talked for almost two straight hours, showing each other photos of our dogs (she just got a puppy pitbull and Lily was a pitbull) and we shared our whole history of where we lived and why - the topic was obvious because I had just moved to the area six months ago.

It was a beautiful two-hour moment, if two hours can be considered a moment.

I fully admit I doubt this experience will give me the strength to ask strangers in the future if I can sit with them or if they would like to leave their table to join me at mine, with a fellow solo-sitting patron. I do need to be careful with the interpretation of these scenarios as it can be taken wrong. To be biased and honest, I only think about this with people my own age or older and by all accounts, has a decent appearance, lol, so don't worry about my safety, please.

While this may not happen again, it was still a really cool experience. Who knew sitting with a stranger would fulfill a little wish, huh? :)

Are You Paying Attention?

2024-03-05T17:29:00.001-06:00

Moving to a new city has led to the obvious: meeting new people. One of my new friends has been surprising me lately, because he seems to remember everything I say. I mean, not just in general, but every detail, with detail. He'll bring things up during conversation that I have said months ago.

This may seem normal, but we have had the type of conversations that are all over the place. You know when you start a new friendship, you are talking to someone who doesn't know anything about you or your past. What a fun opportunity, right? (especially for me because I love jabbering :) But this can lead to numerous stories about our past and every story we would share reminded us of something else related and then that would lead to more stories, which of course leads down other roads about past experiences. We can easily talk and laugh for hours - so imagine the number of stories and shared experiences that are swapped between us. I admit, I tend to share more than he does, but my point is, it's a lot of stories in just a handful of meetings.

I share stories from my past - usually funny (hopefully), surprising (attention grabbing) or learning experiences (I have a lot), but also confiding in maybe past events I've experienced that I don't normally tell anyone.

I often have to ask him, "what do you mean?" when he replies to one of my texts and then he'll remind me his reply was related to something I shared months ago, that I didn't even remember until he reminded me, lol. "Oh, yeah" I'll exclaim, surprised yet again how good of a memory he has.

I mentioned to him the other day how impressed I was with this memory of our talks, and his reply was eye opening - thus the reason for sharing in my blog. And I wish I had heard this years ago:

I always make a point
to pay attention to people I talk to.

Otherwise,
it's not worth having the conversation.

This seems obvious, but I guarantee you its's not. We don't do this. Sure, we are listening, but are we hearing the person, really hearing them? Are we taking in their words and absorbing their comments? He's listening with intent. A lot of us are distracted by things around us or waiting to pounce with a reply. But not him. He truly pays attention with the deep intent to hear you, because as he says, otherwise, it's not worth the conversation.

And because of this deliberate intention to listen, it makes one feel kinda special, honestly, to hear someone bring up things you had said before. My wish is for everyone to experience this, to have a friend or loved one or colleague who listens to you so magically and brings up things you have shared, that it makes you feel valued and important, too.

A Holiday is Just Another Day for Some of Us

2023-12-31T14:32:00.000-06:00

I know people mean the best and are not intentionally hurtful. I know many of my friends and colleagues mean well and want me to be happy.

I wish I could get across to people, though, to stop trying to change my mind about things related to holidays. Holidays are just another day to me... and more so, that is okay! Stop telling me I need to make friends so that I am not alone on holidays. Stop assuming I want to be with other people on holidays or that I should be.

I have been alone on holidays for over 10 years. Just because I moved to a new place and don't do anything on holidays with others doesn't mean anything negative or sorrowful to me. This is how I was back in Texas - it's not like moving has changed my holiday celebrations. I wish people wouldn't presume I need to celebrate holidays or think I shouldn't be alone. When I say holidays are just another day for me, I think people feel sorry for me or sad for me or something. What people don't realize is, it's more difficult for me to celebrate certain holidays than to not celebrate.

I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving since my Mom passed away in 2011. The holiday only reminds me that I don't have any blood-related family left. Hey people - I'm okay with my own tradition of not celebrating it! It's honestly my coping mechanism to not celebrate it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's my way of showing the world I don't have family, it's my one day of the year to make a stand for myself. The few times I *almost* celebrated Thanksgiving with friends, I bawled and bawled and couldn't make it out the door.

The last few years I started to risk my ailing heart and began to go over to my neighbor's house for Christmas dinner. It was hard, but they welcomed me and loved me deeply which helped the pain of the celebration. I wanted to rush home right as soon as I could, as it really is painful, even though I felt loved. I especially wanted to escape and get home when Lily was alive. I only wanted to rush into her hugs and her excitement to see me which filled my heart and soul the only way the love from dogs can do.

Sometimes a friend will ask, "What are you doing for Easter?" I would ask back, "When is Easter?" and then they would laugh at me. You see, she had Easter plans set ahead with her family, so she knew when Easter was. Me? No idea. I felt kinda judged and felt like they were making fun of me - I know that wasn't their intention, though, but the laughing hurt. However, in reality, I have no idea when holidays are if they aren't a federal holiday, lol.

In my new location with new colleagues, they don't know yet or understand that I'm perfectly fine with not celebrating holidays and more so - I'm perfectly fine with being alone on holidays. One person just said to me, "I can't believe no one invited you over for Christmas," not realizing I would say no to any invite in my new town and in reality, it would be s more difficult on me to muster the courage to admit I don't want to take them up on their invite.

So many people asked me during Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, "What are your plans for today?" Um, sitting on the couch watching whatever series I'm binge-watching at the time. And I'm as happy as I can be doing just that! On whatever holiday it is. Which to me is just another day.

Why State Parks

2023-10-08T20:41:00.000-05:00

If you read my previous blog post, I mentioned I was going to car camp at State Parks as I drove from Texas to Maryland for my move.

There are several important-to-me reasons I chose State Parks:

When I car camped a few times the last few years with my dear baby girl, Lily, I noticed that the State Park Police drive by at least once a day to check on each campsite. They wouldn't necessarily stop at every campsite, but they would drive by slowly, I think ensuring compliance of regulations and rules was probably the main reason, but it's natural for them to also see if campers are doing well and safe. The idea of a single chick with her dog camping alone and yet knowing the state park police were checking on things made me feel comforted. And on this 4-5 day trip, I was traveling completely alone.

The next reason may seem small but is also important. State Parks have a good online reservation system. Except for Oklahoma's, State Park websites make it easy to search for camping site availability with good maps. I bring this up because I have stumbled through other park online reservations' website and they are frustrating and sometimes would make me stop trying to stay at the park because their online system wasn't helpful to find a camping site at all. While Oklahoma is an outlier, the State Parks with user-friendly online reservation systems that I have personally used are in Texas, Arkansas, Tennesse, Virgina and Maryland. (btw, now that I'm living in a new part of the U.S., I can't wait to add more states to that list!)

Another reason I prefer State Parks is because they are pretty clean and kept up. I'm not trying to say if a park isn't a "state park" that it's filled with trash and not clean, but state parks seem to be at a different level for some reason.

Another benefit is you can count of a good bathroom set up. Sure, you might still see daddy long legs (that's a safe spider btw) in the showers, but the bathrooms are well maintained, whether brand new or 20 years old. At some non-state parks, the bathrooms at them can be unbearable and rarely taken care of. State Park bathrooms are the opposite.

For the hiker like me, I love that State Parks have really great trail and park brochures that can be studied ahead of time and also downloaded. The brochures are all labeled well with trail distance, trail names and difficulty. This helps me decide if I want to visit the State Park or not, knowing if trails are near streams or there is a plethora of trails to choose from. Also, sometimes there is no cell service at parks so to have a printed brochure can be very handy and helpful (from getting lost, lol).

I have always felt comfortable at State Parks and during my stay at them on this trip, that theme continued.

People are pretty cordial at State Parks as well - maybe I've just gone on good days during the week, but most are on their best behavior. The State Parks kinda give that "official" "important" don't desecrate flavor, and I think the campers feel and know that as well.

Car Camping Across the Country

2023-09-11T13:04:00.001-05:00

Planning for the Drive:

When I accepted the promotion in Maryland, one of the many items on my long to-do list for the move was to plan my drive from Texas to Maryland. While some people may want to race across the country to get to their destination as fast as they can, I simply did not. My work allowed a minimum of 300 miles a day and because I don't like long drives, that is what I planned for. I wanted to take my time, not be rushed. 300 miles is roughly 5 hours - without traffic - and the day would need to include restroom breaks, eating, and stopping to get gas, etc. That leads to longer than 5 hours easy.

The thing is, with a 4 1/2 day drive, where am I going to stay each night? It's important to find hotels ahead of time and make reservations. Otherwise, I might be driving around for quite a while trying to find a decent place with a decent price with rooms available. That can just lead to frustrations, which I already don't need moving across the country.

I already knew I wanted to stop each day at spots that I could walk on trails and check out possible waterfalls and/or beautiful places. I wanted to take advantage of locations I hadn't been to before - who knows when I would drive across the country like this, especially not in a rush.

It then dawned on me: what if I stayed overnight at state parks along the way?!

It took a bit of research and planning to figure this all out. I didn't want to veer too far off my route, as I didn't want to add time to already long days of driving. I had to plan everything carefully - which state parks were located at the end of every 300 miles, if they had good camp sites available and if the state parks had great views or water along with trails.

This plan was better than just stopping along the way at places to walk, as in reality, that would have added more time to each long day. This new plan allowed for me to take my time during the walks, because I would be already at my destination for the night. Further, this was great for stress relief - to be able to walk each evening after a long drive to decompress was great for my body, heart, and mind.

The locations of the camping sites at each state park were most important to me - I wanted to wake up every single morning next to water - talk about food for the soul! Water always makes my heart sing.

I planned to car camp, as most cabins are pretty expensive and/or not available. Plus, while tent camping is fun, putting a tent up and down each day for 4 days in a row would not be fun, lol - that would be quite a lot of work.

I have car camped a few times the last few years, so felt pretty comfortable (and actually excited) about the idea. The only wrinkle I really ran into with my planning was it was Memorial Day weekend, and state parks require a minimum 2 night stay around holidays. So, the Friday and Saturday were going to be tricky.

I guess the other two big items to take into consideration for this car camping jaunt for 4 1/2 days was would the weather cooperate and how would I car camp with so much in my car? While movers were taking the bulk of my things, I still had to pack for a week-long diving trip and because I was going to be in temp quarters (a hotel) for 4 weeks, I had to pack for that as well. And finally, the items the movers would not take I also had to pack in my car. Things like batteries, candles, cleaning supplies, etc. So, my SUV was going to be jammed packed and I wasn't sure how I'd really get it all in my car, along with the items I needed to car camp - the bedding, pillows, etc.

Next topics to come: Why State Parks? Which State Parks? Keeping in contact.

Where am I?

2023-09-01T17:24:00.012-05:00

I honestly don't know even where to begin.

My previous three blog posts, March 31, 2021 about walking in snow, Feb 2022 about Lily's passing and then posting about an article in June of 2022 has led me to today: September 2023.

I can't even begin to share all that's happened since I last blogged.

It may not seem that radicle or major, but after living in different places in Texas for 50 years, I up and moved to Silver Spring, Maryland by myself. I applied for a few jobs after Lily passed away (yes, there is a correlation to that) and on the third try, I got one of them that led to a promotion here: my new home!

There is so much to catch up on. I know that I pretty much stopped blogging during covid and also because the readers I knew about either are no longer a part of my life or no longer alive (sorry that sounds so morbid). Admittedly, I'm a ham and when I felt like I had consistent readers, I blogged more. But I also know that blogging used to be one of the joys in my life, and now that I'm on this new adventure which seems kinda outrageous honestly, maybe I should start writing some things down, errr typing blog entries.

Just the few sentences above, I could blog about every single sentence. I hope I create the time to start blogging again. Or more so, I hope to figure out a way to be able to type on my laptop easily, and not at my work desk - which does not allow me to be creative and if anything, muffles my desire to blog.

What You've Really Been Missing - Article Excerpt

2022-06-30T15:42:00.004-05:00

What You've Really Been Missing

If anyone in history should have died from FOMO, it would be Emily Dickinson, an agoraphobe who virtually never left her house and almost certainly never owned a phosphorescent pacifier. Yet millions of people still read Dickinson's stunning descriptions of many mind-blowing experiences. "To live," she once wrote, "is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

This very moment of your life, if you experience it fully, will show you astonishing wonders and exquisite delights. Simple presence will take you on adventures you could miss altogether in the pursuit of nonstop thrills—without the anxiety, exhaustion, and expense. So learn to disbelieve the media hype. Listen for the wiser, deeper inner voice that tells you to relax, to melt open, to stop. Once you try it, you won't believe what you've been missing.

Lily Went to Doggie Heaven

2022-02-20T07:48:00.001-06:00

My lovely and wonderful Lily went to doggie heaven on Feb 1st.

A mere 10 days before, Lily was diagnosed with bone cancer, a fast spreading cancer. They told me she had about a month left, which I couldn't fathom, and it was difficult to accept the terminal news. And then the time ended up much shorter. ;( Doing research and also watching Lily closely, she wasn't as active more with each day, and eventually I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I have to say, deciding to put a beloved pet to sleep is one thing, but deciding that while she's still wagging her tail and loving on you and crawling in bed together and eating normally is horrific. I struggled and struggled and struggled with the decision, but each vet I spoke to told me I was doing the right thing because the bone cancer is so aggressive and excruciatingly painful, that letting her go to heaven is the best thing you can do for them sooner rather than later.

Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) is a brutal and aggressive disease. It usually affects large breeds, and the cancer forms first in one of their limbs before quickly spreading. Lily was limping from her left front leg, and it wasn't getting better on its own. When they x-rayed it Jan 22nd, that's when they saw the cancer. At that point, all the literature says it was probably already in her lungs. And unfortunately, those affected bones can be so brittle that it can snap and fracture, which kept me petrified and nervous every step she took.

Dogs hide their pain very well from us, don't they? But limping didn't mean that's the only time Lily was in pain, someone told me bone cancer is a actually a constant pain.

While my head knew it would be best to let her go sooner so that she doesn't have to endure the aggressive and painful nature of the disease, my heart didn't comprehend that. All my heart knew that it was the absolute hardest decision to say goodbye.

I think it was a blessing that I knew Lily had cancer, because after I learned that, I showered her with love and attention every single minute, whereas otherwise it would have been normal days of love, if that makes sense. Sure there was lots of crying and bawling, which Lily hated to see me upset, and nights were tough wondering if the next day was the last day, but I loved on her with attention every single minute. And she still had a huge appetite and yes she still wagged her tail a lot. As a matter of fact, we still played games, still walked down the street for her to go potty, took car rides to run errands together and I still spooned her in bed on the cold nights. But immersed between those was lots of slower movements and much longer naps.

I was given advice last summer, to take videos of Lily doing everyday normal things while she's still healthy and active, as you'll miss that when they're gone. And sometimes we don't think about taking videos of their routine moments until they are sick. So I'm so thankful for that advice, because I do miss the daily, routine interactions, but luckily I have them on video and I love watching her on them.

I highly recommend Lap of Love, an in-house euthanasia vet company that helps with the transition. Their compassion at home made it easier on me and Lily to be in the comfort of our house.

The in-house vet lovingly, carefully, and touchingly sent Lily to heaven. Lily was very brave, and she went very, very peacefully, with me by her side. I know it's a gift to her from me to end her suffering sooner rather than later, and she needed me to do that for her. I was honored. So difficult, but honored.

Thank you to everyone who always loved Lily and I, and followed alongside us hiking or camping or taking long and beautiful walks together in so many numerous parks, bonding outdoors or just in the yard. Thank you for understanding our love.

It has been just her and I together for many years. She's helped me through so much and our love and bond grew so deeply. We were literally inseparable. She was such a blessing!! 💙

The house is very empty, and no sounds of my best friend fill the air. But, I still talk to her, like she's here, because we had such beautiful, touching routines throughout the day. Taking our meds together, never peeing by ourselves, walking to the mail box together, joyful car rides, she always watched over me when I did yard work, and of course our loving snuggles every night.

Who rescued who? She did.

I love and miss you with all my heart, Lily Girl! And will forever. 💙💙🤍🤍

Walked in Snow!

2021-03-31T14:24:00.003-05:00

As I mentioned in January, an idea was presented to me to walk in snow when it happens to snow here in the Dallas Fort Worth area. I was so excited about the concept! I normally watch the snow from my window - hadn't crossed my mind to walk in it. Sure, people play in it, but walk around the neighborhood or go to a park? Hadn't even crossed my mind. But I was super excited about doing it if it snowed again/

Then a rare winter event crippled most of all of Texas in the second week of February, and boy did I have a chance to walk in snow! Even without power for 50 hours, I still took advantage and walked in the snow in my neighborhood.

I bundled up well (temps in the single digits!) and walked an hour Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday! Pretty much every day until the snow melt.

As I would walk up my driveway, almost every time I wanted to turn around and keep walking in the neighborhood! But, an hour was about as long as my toes could handle the coldness (even with two pairs of socks on, ha!)

Here are some pics. SO invigorating, beautiful, and blessed! I'm beyond elated that I ventured out and walked for so long every day on the stunning white cavass.

Walking in Snow

2021-02-11T16:02:00.005-06:00

Several weeks ago it snowed on a cool, crisp, Sunday morning. It’s not rare for Dallas / Fort Worth, but it’s not common either to see “the white stuff.”

As the beautiful white snowflakes covered the rooftops on houses around me, and the yard became white, I finally went outside. I took Lily out and she was not excited at all. I guess no yellow snow from her, lol.

I took some photos of Lily running back and skirting quickly back into the house. Then I took a few traditional selfies for Instagram with the white background behind me. I also captured some video of the snow falling - remember, not common in Texas and this born-and-raised-in-San-Antonio-girl hasn’t seen a lot of snow in my life.

I went back inside and worked around the house on some little projects and cleaning up. A few hours later, I took a break on the couch with a tv show, and checked my usual phone apps. Candy Crush, Toon Blast, Word Feud, and opened up FB just for a bit and then transitioned quickly to Instagram, which is much less dramatic, lol.

I saw numerous photos from my friends of people outside. Some made snowmen, some got pics of their kids in the snow. It dawned on me that I really didn’t take quite advantage of the snow. Most folks prolly spent a couple of hours in the snow with their family members. I didn’t even feel too excited for some reason. I kinda avoided it, in reality. Maybe if it had snowed all day or for a couple of days I would have been more impressed. But, I simply took my photos to capture on Instagram and then went back inside. I actually forgot it was snowing as the day went on.

Fast forward a week and I had a call with my financial advisor. She had asked how I was doing and the usual intro pleasantries, and then she asked me about the snow day.

I told her it was pretty, but didn’t get out much in it.

And then she shared something I cant stop thinking about. She said that her and her husband took advantage of the beautiful scenery the snow provided and walked about 5 miles in it. She said it was so pretty and really glad they had done that.

What?! Omg, what a great idea! Why did I not think of that?!

Now, I would want to walk in a park, but I don’t like to drive in rain much less snow. I also wondered how slippery it would have been. Last thing I need is to slip and fall.

Plus, I don't do well in really cold weather.

However, I LOVE the idea! Love it. I will take advantage of the next snow day and take a walk in it and enjoy the picturesque scenery showered in white. I’m excited just thinking about it.

Birthdays

2021-01-30T20:27:00.003-06:00

I have always had a love/hate relationship with birthdays. Well, I LOVE birthdays, but no one else seems to love my birthday like I do, haha.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

I have learned a lot about birthdays. Well, in reality, I have learned about personality traits (which have nothing to actually do with birthdays).

Right after college, I was devastated when my best friend didn't call or write me for my birthday. I was hurt beyond words. Now, had I known about Myers Biggs, I *might* not have gotten so upset. What I know now is that some people just don't have the personality that gives them that pleasure and "want" to remember everyone's birthday.

I am not sure if it's because I'm an only child or what, but birthdays are very high on the totem pole for me of importance. I want to celebrate other's birthdays with balloons and dinners and surprise them! So, naturally I would like me to be remembered on my birthday

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

When I turned 50 last year, I was scared. I really was nervous and scared. Would anyone remember? Would anyone care? I truly feel the main reason I wasn't weeping for days for my 50th not being remembered or celebrated last year was because I did the outdoor birthday smash photoshoot. It kind of deflected my attention from my sad, pathetic feelings I could have had, to sharing the photos with everyone and celebrating what I DID.

I think only one person truly remembered I was turning 50 (and she made sure I felt special for it :)). While other friends knew I was 49 the previous year (we had talked about it), me turning 50 didn't mean anything to them.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

One friend asked, "Did I know you were turning 50?" Yes, last year you mentioned you said I didn't look 49. I went to a birthday dinner with some friends and when the check came, I had to buy my own 50th birthday dinner. While there is a backstory to that (my fault, I'm sure), I was still hurt... because it was my 50th. It wasn't just another birthday to me, it was a special birthday to me.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

And, I admit, I wanted to be celebrated. My birthday being celebrated in my eyes meant people care about me.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Again, this might be that only-child selfish little kid talking that needs deeper therapy, so please don't judge me.

I could always count on my Mom and Dad to remember my birthday. When my StepDad, Mom, and then Dad passed, there was no one left to remember my birthday. Without children or siblings, the only people left to truly remember my birth date were gone.

It doesn't help that I have had some bad past experiences about my birthday. Several ex boyfriends didn't celebrate my birthday. One guy I was with for 3 years never gave me a present, another guy I was afraid I was going to get a really small pen again, and others just didn't remember or do anything special for me. Heck, one guy broke up with me ON my birthday. Guess which one? Yep, a milestone birthday - the day I turned 21.

In the last ten years or so, to try and evade the feeling of disappointment I can sense coming, I just celebrate myself and leave town (to Vegas usually). But, those trips didn't stop the pain, only delayed it a bit.

You see, if none of my friends tell me happy birthday or don't know when the "big" ones are, there is no one else to count on. I only have them left.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Many of you who may be reading this may say that birthdays aren't that special anymore, or "Melinda, don't let that bother you," etc. However, you aren't in my exact shoes. The shoes of a person who doesn't have any relatives alive that even know when my birthday is. Most people have an immediate family member (wife, husband, sister, kids, boyfriend, etc) who will remember your birthday, but I don't have that.

No one can understand truly, unless you are in the exact situation.

Some folks say they understand or can relate. Kinda irritates me, because I literally do not know one person in these exact well-worn shoes (I know they are out there, lol, I just don't personally know any).

Yes, I do have many Aunts and Uncles on the StepDad's side of the family, but they don't know when my birthday is. I love them and they love me, but we aren't that close to remember each other's birthdays. And to be fair, I don't know when their birthdays are, either. But they have large, immediate families to remember theirs.

A couple of years ago I lamented to a coworker about my birthday and her response was, "I saw on Instagram you had a lot of birthday dinners with friends!" Yea, I had to plan all of those dinners. No one reached out to me, I reached out to them. "Hey, it's my Birthday next week, want to go to dinner?" People should be careful what they see on social media - it's not always what you think.

However much I have been hurt about birthdays in the past, I am having some realizations as we move through this pandemic together. Some that I believe will alleviate some of this unhealthy pain.

Or, maybe these feelings are here now in combination of not just the pandemic, but also because last year was my last "big" birthday?

Anyway.... before the pandemic, I lived and breathed by my printed calendar. It was an open-face calendar that displayed an entire month at a glance. Every December I would go through the new year's calendar and re-write all my friends birthdays down, or dates I wanted to remember for my friends - deathversary of loved ones, anniversaries, etc.

When the pandemic started, I took that calendar home, but I didn't open it. Back at my desk in my office, I would keep it open to remind me of what important date was coming up for others. I would see it every day. Now, though, it's in a drawer in my kitchen. I simply just didn't open it for days, and that turned into weeks, and then months. And what did I find out? It's okay to not remember others' birthdays. And I FEEL okay not to remember birthdays.

It slapped me in the face that if one doesn't write down someone's birthday or have the want to remember other's birthdays, of course they wont remember it. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean they don't love me or you. I went about 9 months without telling anyone Happy Birthday last year. At first, I honestly felt guilty because that's not who I am. But, I think I want to change that. Maybe I'm a little spiteful, but I think I need to stop trying to make others feel good about their birthdays, and just be okay with not being that person who always remembers birthdays, or reaches out on tough anniversaries, etc. It's not my responsibility to tell people Happy Birthday or be the one to remember when their loved one passed and how tough a certain day may be. Yes, I love to help people and want to make them feel remembered and special - it's a passion of mine - but it's okay if I don't. They have others around them to celebrate birthdays or give them hugs on tough days.

When I whine about birthdays, I start to think about my friend Dave. He wasn't close to any of his family members and hardly anyone knew when his birthday was. Did he care? He said he didn't. He could care less. It was just another day for him, all those 60-some years.

I wish I had that type of gene.

Honestly, I do feel ashamed I took my birthdays so personal. No one is responsible for my life but me. My anti-depressant (of two years) has also helped my brain from taking things so personal. I wish I would have started this medication YEARS ago. It really has helped my chemical imbalance and I no longer cry in a corner wondering why I'm not hearing from people (seriously).

My apologies for whining and showing my true, deep feelings - it is pretty pathetic and it's something I should not EVER be concerned about again, right?

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Well, I think I've had a breakthrough!

I am about to have another birthday in literally a week and I could care less to hear from anyone. And I am okay! Because I no longer have any milestone birthdays for anyone to forget/remember AND because I went through almost 9 months literally finally understanding the myth of birthdays, it hasn't crossed my mind once about my birthday and others in a week. Of course, I don't have to be disappointed no one asks me to dinner because we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? lol.

But, I really do feel different.

I feel so differently after having these epiphanies about birthdays this past year, I almost don't want to post all of this; it doesn't seem to be 'me' anymore. But, it's okay to be vulnerable and honest. And it's okay to share feelings.

And don't worry - I still care for others and show it. It is a passion of mine, like I said. And I like to reach out to others to try and help during tough times or when something special happens. But, I just no longer focus so much on contacting people on certain dates.

But, oh, hey, if I missed your birthday, Happy Birthday!

Thankful for 2020

2021-01-01T19:41:00.013-06:00

I have a "closed" personal blog and over there I at times at the end of some years wrote what I was thankful for as the year came to a close.

It was really cool to read the memories. So, I am going to do a Thankful for 2020 here:

God. First and foremast God has looked out for me more this year than I think He ever has. Well, at least it feels that way. Almost to the last day of 2020 I was telling Him thank you for being there for me (and Lily). It's been a rough year with her, but he has looked over us so many times!
Teleworking. I'm so blessed with my job that we get to telework. Being we are in the midst of a pandemic (never thought I'd say that in my life), we could no longer go into the office safely. My work before had not allowed telework, but the pandemic pushed the issue. But, besides being blessed that we get to telework (which at times pains me because so many others are out of jobs), I have found I LOVE teleworking. So many reasons to list, really:

More relaxing.
No commute (ie can roll out of bed and be at work in 5 minutes).
Not getting upset as much with coworkers.
Getting to know people better throughout the agency because video calls are now a must. I've seen people in the past year I had never seen before teleworking was mandatory.
Self Esteem. There I said it. I don't have to worry about what people think of a little weight gain, or messy hair, or bad eyebrows, or how my clothes fit. There's something to be said about feeling comfortable and having those less worries every single day.
Less stress due to not having to drive and deal with traffic or bad drivers.
Get to work even when I'm exhausted. Difficult to explain, but when I don't get enough sleep it was tough to go into work. Being in telework status, I can wait to the very last minute to get up to start my work day.
More quality time with Lily. We walk almost every single morning (and in the evenings as well). She gets outside and so do I. One of my top coping mechanisms for sure.

Parents. I still remain thankful and grateful that I learned to be so independent from my parents. I'm also referring to handyman things. It's pretty cool to be able to take care and fix of a lot of things around the house due to learning lessons from my parents.
AA Friend. My previous therapist late last year told me that the people in AA have their 'own language' and they understand things that non-using friends would understand. I was like, whatever. However, I was blessed to attend several AA meetings with friend and one night I befriended a lady (Cindy) and we went to dinner a few times before the pandemic. And, we have kept in touch since. We recently have met up a few times to walk in parks, which is nice to do with a friend. I text her things I don't express to anyone else, because as a fellow alcoholic, she understands and relates. My therapist was right. And I'm grateful for asking Cindy to go to dinner, even though I didn't know her. We have become great friends and we are there for each other and learn from each other.
Lily's Attack. The evening Lily was attacked by two dogs will be with us forever. You can read it all here if you wish. Although the event was traumatic and brutal, there were a lot of blessings to it, really.

First, I know being in the middle of and witnessing Lily being attacked will help me help someone in the future.
If Lily was a smaller dog she would have died.
The Blue Healers did not clip any veins or organs, luckily!
If the dogs were larger and more aggressive, Lily would not be alive.
Lily was not murdered. I know God was looking out for both of us because had she of died, I wouldn't be sane or doing well at all.
I also am thankful for feeling everything. It's difficult to describe, but in the past, I'd just drink all my emotions and not really feel anything. I was truly thankful to God to feel pain, hurt, guilt, unconditional love, un-closure, anger, depression, nightmares, confusion, PTSD, etc. I know that going through all those emotions is a sign of the right direction for my sobriety.

Mentor. I asked a colleague that I barely knew, but was very impressed with, if he would be my mentor. He said yes! On the second conf call, it was only a week into the pandemic and I was NOT doing well. Very anxious and stressed. I wanted to cancel our call, but told myself to keep the commitment. It turns out he gave me such GREAT advice. My shoulders immediately felt like a weight lifted and what I learned I was able to pass on to others. During the pandemic, we all needed some help, whether we knew it or not. Further, after Lily was attacked by two dogs in August, I again wanted to postpone our planned monthly call. But, turns out he had a traumatic event in his life and he understood deeply what I was going through and understood about my PTSD. He gave me great advice, because of his past experience. It was quite amazing just how perfectly he has fit into my life at just the right time. (See? Lord looking after me.)
Coach. I signed up to help a lady get some credits to become a life coach. Honestly, I did it because I thought I could help her. I have a pretty unique life and thought it'd be cool to help her. Well, instead, she has helped me! I would recommend her to everyone - she has been phenomenal, even with listening to me cry a lot (ha). Again, right time, right place for me.
Therapist. Yes, I also have a therapist. Within three days of Lily getting attacked by two dogs, I knew I needed help. I was a blubbering mess. I am so proud of myself for reaching out! Turns out she is also helpful for grief and addiction, so we have a lot of great talks ahead of us!
Lily Girl. During these telework months, and of course after the attack, I have come to deeply recognize just how much of an impact she has made on my life. I realize now that I would not have made it so well the last 8 years without her. Further, my life revolves around her and I know that I would not be doing so good with my mental capacity without her. The idea to be alone in this house or walking alone in parks, or running errands without her jumping into the car all excited, pains me to even think about. She is truly my life saver.
Neighbors. I sure have been blessed with good neighbors. Patricia and Mickey really care about me (and Lily) and it's nice to feel like I'm kinda part of their family. On the other side, my new neighbors are good people and we help each other a lot when we do yard work.
Friends. I reached out to many friends when Lily was attacked and I felt so cared for and that they truly loved Lily and I. It was beautiful to feel.
Zero Interest. Because there were a lot of 0% interest offers out there for cars. I took advantage and bought a new car! It was cool to buy a 2020 vehicle and yet my payments went down :)
Disney+. I don't have an internet provider at home so I never have ordered anything that needed the Internet (like Hulu, Netflix, etc). However, I changed cell phone providers in June and it came with a year free of Disney+. Granted, I have seen 80% of the movies already, so I wasn't too impressed or excited. However, I bought a connection to my phone for my tv and can play the movies from Disney+ from my phone on to my tv screen. So, I have watched it more and more lately. Further, I am LOVING that I can watch all the "extras" that come with the movies. Like gag reels, or how they film certain scenes or deleted scenes. I am so intrigued with those things! I dare say I might miss Disney+ when it expires in June.
Turning 50. Well, not just because I made it to 50 years old, lol, but because I celebrated with a really cool idea - an outdoor birthday smash phot shoot! I did the photoshoot in the Fall before my birthday so I sat on the exciting concept for MONTHS! It was tough! lol. But come my birthday, I shared these photos on my social media accounts and at work (which they don't normally see this side of me so it was quite a vulnerable thing for me share). I am close with my doctors (gyno, primary, vet, orthodontist, and botox lady) and I was so excited to share the photos with them! I loved every minute of planning the photoshoot, doing the photoshoot, and sharing the photos with so many people afterwards!
Dog Lovers. I can't say enough about all the vets and vet assistants who have helped me in the last few months. The vet and assistant who did Lily's 50 stitches, her normal Vet who is helping us with a mass in Lily's chest, to the ASPCA Poison Control folks, to all the ladies who answered the phone and were able to calm me down and help me through so many of the worrying and over-reacting events that have happened in the last few months.
Walking in Parks. I have walked in a park every single weekend that the weather is nice. I can't begin to express how much it helps me to be outdoors, surrounded by nature and beauty, and loving to be alive. My Instagram account is flooded with nature pics from the walks, lol. During the week I am looking up places for Lily and I go to (or just me if it's too hot or too cold). Her and I even took a mini-vacation to Dinosaur Valley State Park in early August and boy was it needed, memorable, and AMAZING! We walked IN and along the Paluxy River for hours! It was a great 3 day vacation. GREAT.

Traumatic Event

2020-09-28T14:07:00.003-05:00

For those who know me, know how much Lily (my rescue dog) means to me and is my entire world and my best friend. With no blood family left and because I live alone, she encompasses my entire heart and soul. I want to state up front that she is alive, so that as you begin to read below it doesn't scare you.

While Lily and I were walking in our neighborhood on Fri evening on August 14th around 8pm, she got attacked by 2 dogs. I was SCREAMING my head off and yelling and trying to get them off of her. I just knew they were killing her ;( It was awful and she was soooo scared. A neighbor came to help and he and I were both trying to get them off of her. Lily was able to finally get away from their grasp, but they chased her down and attacked her again. That neighbor ran up to the second attack area and kicked the dogs away from Lily. Lily then raced home, still being chased. But the female got tired and stopped and then another guy (a cable guy working on the street) was able to get the male away from Lily at my doorstep. I was screaming and yelling and crying the entire time. I thought they killed her during the first attack, the second attack, and in my front yard ;(

I raced to take her to the ER vet. I wasn't able to go in with her (due to COVID) and I had no idea if she would survive or not, it was so brutal. But she did! She had surgery and after 6 harrowing hours, I picked her up at 3am. She had many open wounds, and the vet was able to combine some together and so in the end there were 7 big areas he explored and then stitched up - they ranged anywhere from 3 to 8 inches inches long - around her neck, and the outside and inside of both back legs. :( Her back legs were the worst, with some muscle damage.

She had several ports to help drainage/ infection. She had pain the most in her back legs. I was to keep her not moving around as much as possible for 2 weeks (stitches stayed in for 2 weeks and she was to wear the Cone of Shame the entire time). I felt horrible she was in so much pain the first weekend! Really was breaking my heart. ;(. And I couldn't get out of my head the attack, either. I burst into tears every time I thought about the attack, which I know my crying upsets Lily so I needed to be stronger.

She is okay, tho! And it could have been a ton worse!! She could have died (been murdered) right there during the attacks, or had much, much worse injuries. They could have clipped organs or veins. And they just barely missed her left eye when one of the dogs clamped down on her face in the middle of the attack - she has a puncture wound near her left eye.

What I witnessed, it's truly a miracle she survived and I'm so thankful! We are still reeling from the trauma of the two dogs that attacked Lily, as it's a very slow, emotional, rough, tough process, with bursts of tears, anxiety, and nightmares, but her and I are together!

It's very surreal to be thankful after a traumatic event, but it could have been SO MUCH worse! She has rebounded very well (~50 stitches), and we were watched over for sure!

What I found out later: A cable guy accidentally didn't latch a gate to the backyard securely, and for whatever reason, two dogs (Blue Heelers) ran across the street at us and attacked Lily. We were walking very happy and not making any noise. Lily is very shy and doesn't even bark. No one understands. The female just had babies, but we were nowhere near their house and not making any noise. They do have aggressive dogs next door to them, but not sure that has anything to do with this. The vet shared that when there is more than one dog, they can act like a pack and attack for unprovoked reasons.

The cable guy kept apologizing as I was pulling out of the driveway with Lily to the ER, but I didn't understand why at the time. He was going to write a report of what happened, btw, to his company (but I haven't heard anything from them yet). The owners were not home at the time.

I am SO thankful that that neighbor helped Lily and I! He didn't have to jump in - as he could have got hurt himself. He said, though, that he can't stop thinking about the attack, either. It was just so brutal. And for him, he did not know what was going on at first when he heard my screams and saw the dogs across the street... didn't know if I was being attacked or a child or what, as Lily and I got pulled between a garage door and a car and he wasn't sure what he was about to see as he ran up to help. He told me recently that every time he walks out of his house he thinks of us. The attack didn't just affect Lily and I as you can see.

The mayor of my city lives next door to me and talked to witnesses and owners right after the event (I called him hysterical on the way to the ER vet). His wife put bandages on my hands and knees while I waited during Lily's surgeries (I had fallen hard during the attack and was bruised and scraped up, and got several deep rope burns from the leash, but the dogs did not bite me). And I told the Mayor the entire story.

Animal control came out the Monday after - and provided the owners photos of Lily's stiches around half her neck (which you can see in the photo below) and back legs. I heard they might not have had any idea how bad Lily got hurt by their dogs.

Lily's medical bills are near $2,200 now. I have not heard from the dogs' owners (no apology or anything). And I also have therapy costs - I am getting much needed therapy every two weeks.

Everyone told me Lily would recover, and that dogs are very resilient - and they were right! It was a rough couple of weeks, but she's doing so much better! :) She was wagging her tail after her naps, gave me kisses, had a great appetite - all within just a few days after the surgery. I was so relieved! Yes, her legs still hurt and need to heal, but yet she walked around the backyard days after, it's truly amazing. But mentally, we are both freaked out.

I took her to the vet a few days later and he was happy with her healing and progress. She even wagged her tail happily as she walked briskly (too briskly imo) back to the car, lol! The vet was worried more about me, than her, he told me. I have PTSD. Some days are worse than others, but it's def a traumatic event for her and I.

A friend of mine told me this will bring Lily and I closer, and I couldn't even imagine such a thing as we already are, but she was right! Lily can tell I'm taking care of her when I clean her wounds twice a day and ensure she's comfortable. I even took her stitches out myself - and she didn't squirm - like she knew I was trying to help.

She seemed confused/sad as to why we weren't going for car rides and on walks like usual that first week after. I honestly didn't know if we could go on walks again. It's very unfortunate, as walking is one of my coping activities, and Lily got used to going and really looked forward to it every day (sometimes twice a day).

I could tell she really wanted to walk, as she stood at the door to the garage - staring at it, lol. I finally decided to take her to the pool area - which is not near our house - but she could at least walk and sniff around. Two weeks later we ventured to a park that I knew didn't have a lot of dogs. She seemed so happy! I was for sure relieved and also grateful to be outdoors walking, even if it was for only 10-15 minutes (she couldn't walk too long at first).

Lily and I would always go to a park Sat and Sun mornings, and we tried to get that started again after about two weeks. I was PETRIFIED! We shortened several walks due to dogs not on leashes at parks the first few weeks.

I bought an air horn after a recommendation from a fried, and I carry that and a stick with us every time. We are both very skittish, including any sudden noises. She squats down scared immediately (she never did this before), and I get scared as hell.

My life will never be the same. I even contemplated moving. And worse, I don't know if I could ever get a dog again, which breaks my heart because they can be beautiful, loving creatures, and are also a key part of my well-being.

I knew within 3 days of the attack that I needed help... and I looked for counseling by the end of the week. I am very proud of myself for doing that! I never did that in the past - so was very proud of myself. AND - the counseling is helping! I am getting great advice.

I still yet cannot drive down the street of where the attacked happened and FOR SURE can't walk that way. I was able to finally walk Lily around my own block, even though I checked over my shoulder the ENTIRE time, but it was a huge first step! I had been driving her to a park about 10 minutes away to walk, as walking was apart huge part of our routine.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm not angry about this. And while it's been a very rough time for her and I, it could have been MUCH worse, it could have been a child, it could have been stronger dogs that attacked her and killed her, it could have been a smaller dog that got attacked and killed, etc. Yes, I get mad at those dogs when I care for her wounds or think of the attack, but Lily survived and is recovering really well!

We were both watched over that day - thank you, Lord!

A blessing, really. <3

I welcome any thoughts and prayers for Lily and I :)

My Dear Friend Loyce

2020-06-27T08:46:00.004-05:00

I had been having this feeling, a sense, tugging at me. Specifically about how my friend Loyce was doing.

Loyce is my childhood best friend. She is also the only person from my high school who I kept in touch with all these years. I have known her longer than any other friend.

I called her Mom, Mom, and she called my parents, Mom and Dad. We would visit each others' homes like they were our own all through high school.

We were so close that at one point my parents sat me down and asked if we were "together" and if we were, that it would be okay. Back in the late 1980s, that was unheard of to be accepting of that, and I admire they wanted to talk to me about it, but no, we did not have that type of relationship. Loyce and I were best friends and more like the sister I never had.

Why did they even ask me that? I had been buying things for her, little gifts or needs and when I bought something for myself, I would buy her something similar. My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up, and her family had even less money (way less). And as I would figure out later in life - I had started my routine early in life of buying things for loved ones as a way to show my love (this would turn into a very bad trait from my 20s to my mid 40s when I spent WAY too much on boyfriends buying their love, in lieu of "buying for loved ones" - which is for another blog discussion some day).

As teenagers, her and I had numerous, very funny but could-have-been-scary situations that we found ourselves in. Yes, some might have involved alcohol, one a tractor, a few about boys, but otherwise many great car rides and laughter in my little white Toyota Corolla for many years, riding around happy and free, invincible teenagers.

Her laugh was amazing and contagious. Her smile unforgettable! I never saw her get upset, I only remember miles of smile, laughter, and happiness. She held her head high when her brother was found murdered under a bridge (it was ruled a suicide but it was impossible to hold a shotgun that way, and the family knew it was murder), when her sister moved away, and when eventually her Mom passed. Her Mom also was pretty and had a beautiful smile and a great personality!

When I was in college, Loyce contacted me and shared she was a Mom! She shared an unbelievable story. She was having terrible pains one morning and thought maybe it was real bad constipation. But the pain got so bad, she went to the ER. Turns out she was in labor! Very skinny girls or big girls eventually stop having their period and she hadn't had hers in years. Plus, she thought she could not get pregnant, but she did! Her and her long-time boyfriend were very happy! She also shared that when she was in the hospital, the other mothers there would talk about things such as waddling or a discoloration under the belly, etc - and she would exclaim, I had those, too! It was all making sense.

Years later, eventually her daughter would give her two grand-babies. I was so happy Loyce had a loving family around her - the love her Mom had for her was very obvious and beautiful, and I was happy she had that as well. Loyce was a loving woman with a heart of gold.

Here she is with her daughter, Shanice:

We used to write letters (remember those?) as I would eventually leave the hard, poor streets of San Antonio to go to college in College Station, Texas, then move to San Marcus, Texas for my job, then Jacksonville, FL for a promotion, and then finally to the Fort Worth area. She would add stickers all over the cards and letters, and always send photos along! Her style of keeping in touch was so cute!

Here is my FAVE photo of her that she sent me, when she worked at QVC. She is SO beautiful, right?:

Eventually, we turned to email and no more stickers, dang it, but we were able to keep in touch easier. And then of course FaceBook allowed us to see each other on the computer screen, as I didn't go to back San Antonio for any long enough stays to visit, I'm afraid.

Back to this tugging feeling. I am one of those people that when someone passes away, I can sometimes sense it in my soul and heart. I can't explain it at all. It's never a premonition, more of after someone passes away who is close to me, I can sense it. I feel a different sort of way. It's not even a feeling, just an overwhelm-ness,

Unfortunately, this sense recently was about my childhood Loyce, and the feeling was true: she had passed away.

I don't venture on Facebook that much anymore, but last night decided to get online to see if she was okay. Instead, I discovered she had passed away on her 51st birthday, just last month.

I cried out loud, uncontrollably crying. I knew in my heart she had passed and it hurt so badly. I missed telling her one more time that I loved her.

Two years ago, Loyce went through a traumatic experience. Both of her legs had to be amputated due to diabetes. I cried and cried and was so distraught hearing that. Yet, in all her photos and messages, she was always upbeat, positive, happy, constantly smiling, and I never saw one single complaint! And she didn't shy away from going out with friends for special occasion (like her birthday - her friends showered her every year on her birthday!).

On Loyce's 50th birthday with her daughter, Shanice.

I know she is smiling in Heaven with our Moms! She is no longer suffering and in pain. And I can only imagine she hated to be taken care of her, and now she is in God's hands being free and smiling.

RIP Loyce. You will be missed beyond words.

Making Memories with Friends

2020-04-03T20:33:00.000-05:00

I had some realizations late last year.

I've shared before that when I spend time with friends, instead of just dinner, I want us to do things that creates memories for both of us (view link about this here).

In March, Oct, and Nov (of 2019), I filled my bucket list with a few things that I've thought about doing for some time. Those particular things I could have easily done on my own, but I thought it would be more special to share the experiences with a friend, so both of us have the memories.

Like overnight with animals at Fossil Rim - what a treat that trip was! (view link)

I also finally attended, The Promise, that I REALLY loved and recommend! It's been on my bucket list as well, and I knew my friend Tina would probably enjoy the live story, because she is close to God, also. (view link to see more photos)

And in the Spring I swam with otters finally! (well, sort of, but I still checked that off on my list : ) (view link)

For whatever reason, there's so many things nowadays that kids get to do, see, or go to that weren't around when we were little. One such thing is a pumpkin patch. However I was finally able to attend one at the end of October! And I invited my friends Dana and Ann. (view link about the day).

I also went to the Dallas Arboretum with my great friend Julie back in 2018 for Christmas!

Additionally, I've been walking every two months or so at really cool walking spots with my friend Erin. She shared with me the other day that she would never have done any of those things unless I asked her to go. And the first walk we went on, I surprised her and took her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth, because I remembered she loves cemeteries. We walked and talked for over 4 hours at the two cemeteries, reading tombstones, talking about what we read or about the different setups of the departed, and it was a really cool memory.

What I think is really wonderful, is me making memories is also making memories for my friends. I feel like it's an amazing gift I'm able to share with them. It didn't hit me until late last year what was actually happening, and I think it's pretty dang awesome. I'm actually crying right now because it's not necessarily a purpose in life, but this is definitely an impact on other people's lives.

To know that I'm taking Erin to places she never would have gone, spending a few dollars for Dana and Ann to go see a pumpkin patch (AND neither had ever been to the Dallas Arboretum), taking Tina to The Promise (which she probably never would have done), lifts my spirits. Spending time with Leslie at Fossil Rim on an the overnight trip was very memorable, also.

Heck, even my bucket list item for myself - to do an outdoor photo shoot cake smash - was sort of like making memories for my friends as well, right? They all enjoyed the photos and seemed to really love what I did. It was like we experienced it together.

This might sound weird and confusing, maybe a little vain, but I swear my heart is in the right place (especially because I didn't realize I was doing this), but it hit me that I like helping making memories for my friends, that they otherwise may not have ever done. Instead of doing all those things by myself, I'm spending time with dear friends and giving them an experience they simply may not have done.

Now, I don't make plans to accomplish this, it just started happening.

I do think it's a tad bizarre I completed so many of my bucket-list items in such a short period of time (just in the last 12 months), almost like I'm getting ready to die or something, lol. I'm not scared of dying, as I've had a beautiful life, but sure seems fishy lol.

I am actually glad I'm single right now. I think helping many of my friends have these experiences that they may not have done in their lives otherwise, is a beautiful thing. To be a part of this brings my heart much joy!

RIP Karen Atwell

2020-03-31T12:41:00.000-05:00

My colleague and friend, Karen Atwell, passed away at the very young age of 53 on March 16th.

While she was in the hospital with phenomena, my heart was scared for her. You know, that instinct we sometimes feel. I reached out to her to show my love, but didn't get a response.

Since her passing, I have thought of her a lot. I also come across things that remind me of her often.

We first met when I traveled to Tampa for work and stopped by an office there. We immediately connected as we both loved and missed our Moms dearly - almost paralyzing for each of us back then. We could relate and we had an immediate bond because of that understanding that is tough to describe - it can only be felt.

She was a great friend. She had a huge heart. She had a beautiful soul. She laughed a lot and her laugh was memorable! I just loved her laugh. She was so caring to everyone and her loss has hit many of us in ways that's difficult to describe. She made an impact and was a truly awesome person.

Her and I spent many nights drinking after work for about a year, and we became really close spending all that time together. After that year, she went back to Tampa, but we kept in touch. She sent me an adult coloring book of all-Paris things as a gift during a very-long-stint of stress at work. When she came to Fort Worth in June of 2018, she blocked off an entire day just to spend with me and we spent the day going to the Botanical Gardens. We walked and talked and laughed and caught up.

She was hysterical and fun and a great woman. Too young to leave her family and friends, for sure.

I love and miss you, Karen.

Photo Gallery of My 50th Birthday Adult Cake Smash Photoshoot

2020-02-10T17:16:00.000-06:00

Excited to share some of the photos of my 50th Birthday Adult Cake Smash Photoshoot!!

To read about all the amazing, cool details, click here!

Look What I Did For My 50th Birthday! Adult Cake Smash Photoshoot!

2020-02-09T17:18:00.000-06:00

I did something really cool, that I'd like to share.

The Idea:

Three years ago I saw a photograph on Pinterest: a lady turning 30 was in a tutu, eating a messy cake. I was immediately intrigued. Turns out it’s called a “cake smash.” Cake smash is an individual cake for a baby on their first birthday. Parents hire a photographer to take photos of the baby celebrating their birthday. And as you can imagine, one-year old’s eat cake the best way they know how - which is to put their hands in it and smash it! Lol. Hence the name, ‘cake smash.’

This photo I saw was an adult version of the concept. The lady turning 30 wore her tutu proudly (as any baby girl would for their cake smash photos), and in the background were props and balloons – you know, like a birthday party.

As soon as I saw it, I thought, “Wow, it would be really cool to do an outdoor photo shoot cake smash for my 50th birthday."

The Beginning of the Plans:

The year I turned 49 (2019), I looked for outdoor photographers in the Fort Worth area. Took me a while to find one. Luckily a coworker highly recommended Mandy Beth. After I stalked her work, I was hooked! I contacted her right away and she was immediately excited to do an outdoor 50th birthday adult cake smash photo shoot together!

Date and Location of Photoshoot:

I picked November 16^th to do the outdoor shoot. Even though my birthday wasn’t until February, I wanted to get it done early when the weather was still good, or have plenty of time to reschedule if it wasn't.

Mandy suggested outdoor locations and I looked at photos, and then went to some of the parks to check them out. Eventually, I picked Airfield Falls (park) along the Trinity River, within a half hour from me. I just knew it was the perfect location for my vision of this little birthday cake smash.

Comparison to Wedding Planning:

I can't begin to fully express for how much time it took to plan, prepare, thinking of ideas, losing sleep, looking at photos, looking things up to buy, etc. And I did all this for four months straight, lol. At one point, I compared this to planning a wedding lol. I know that sounds silly, but I had a cake, an original outfit, flowers, a particular date, decorations, certain colors, and ironically, I also had something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Crazy the similarities, right? I may never get married again and so it was cool to plan something like this again in my life.

A Chair For my Mom:

Two months before the photo shoot, I was walking through my house and a pretty wooden chair that my Mom had for years, caught my eye. I had an idea! Of course, I immediately burst into tears because I knew right then I was going to have that chair in my photo shoot. It would be, “A chair for my Mom.”

Wow, that’s even tough to type out without tearing up, but it meant the world to me that my Mom had a spot in the photo shoot. THE WORLD.

Tutu:

I had to find a tutu, which I have to tell you is pretty tough to do for an adult, lol. I went to a couple of stores in town, but soon figured out I needed to order it online. I bought three different ones from Amazon, and finally settled on one of them; it was perfect.

The Colors:

I had already known I was going to do pink, but I decided to add in a baby blue color as well for the decorations and props.

So, my tutu was pink, my earrings were pink, my toes and fingernails were pink, my heels were pink, and I had a mishmash of pink, white, baby blue, and brown colors for the setup/decorations/backdrop of the cake smash photo shoot.

Let me tell you, I'm not even close to being done sharing all the details of the four-month preparations, so if you want to leave, I won't blame you haha. But, I really wanted to capture all the things I planned and accomplished for this amazing adventure that I truly LOVED!

What Should I Wear?

Mandy wanted to also take some portrait-like photos of me at the park and I told her I wasn’t interested. But, she said I should because I'm turning 50. She convinced me somehow. I'm not very comfortable with my weight and so I was very apprehensive about this. But, she told me to take photos of myself in certain outfits – and I definitely could see which ones were flattering and which ones were very unflattering LOL.

I needed to decide on:

what type of shoes? boots, pink heels, wooden heels?
what type of top? what color?
leggings or no leggings?

Mandy stated on the consent form she loves to be involved in the process to help choose outfits, so I felt comfy sending her the photos. All 46 of them! Haha.

She immediately said the black leggings with pink heels and one of the black tops was perfect. I didn't think they were, haha, but she convinced me that it would be fine so I went with it.

Wait, Pink Heels?

One of my friends from work wears pink heels and, hey, we wear the same size! Turns out the photographer said that would be the perfect shoe for photo shoot! (They really are pretty dang sexy and a GREAT pink color.) Problem is, I don’t wear heals at all, ever (more to come about that.)

Things From My House:

I wanted to ensure that I had the perfect-to-me decorations for a fun photo shoot! It’s a birthday party after all, right?

About 6 weeks before the photo shoot, I started to gather things to put in a corner of my house from my house for the Big Day. I put the chair there, some word-art (“blessed,” “peace”, and “grateful”), pink, white, and baby blue flower arrangements. I also made my own tassel garland – I looked online how to make them (I should have just bought them already made, though, haha). The tassel garland would be strung between the trees behind me (yes, I thought of everything!). I also wanted another memomento in the background: an old certain brown wooden box - it was the box my Mom always filled with cooking and camping goods for when we would camp in the Hill Country for YEARS growing up.

Something to Sit On:

Mandy told me to bring a few blankets and she will know right away which would be best. I brought white and brown blankets, a quilt, and also my pink/white/baby blue rugs (which are the rugs in my bathroom, haha!). Mandy immediately picked the rugs!

An Assistant!

I recognized right away I would need a “helper.” I would be carrying so much from the car to the location in the park, I didn’t want to mess up my hair or makeup. Further, I didn’t want to be frustrated or stressed with anything.

Even Mandy told me an assistant would really help because she herself won’t be able to move props around - it would just slow everything down as she was trying to take photos.

I contacted one of my friends, but she was out of town that weekend. She would have been perfect! I needed to find someone. Who would love to do this with me, be great at it, and dependable? I immediately thought of my friend Susan. She's extremely bubbly and she's extremely confident and she's also extremely organized. I knew in my heart that she was the absolute perfect person! (Btw, she said yes!)

Was the Weather Good that Day?

Picking a date three months ahead of time was scary. I was nervous the weather wasn't going to be good, but a week before I checked out the forecast and it was going to be okay! I checked a few days later to confirm and sure enough - it was going to be a fabulous weather day! Not too hot, not too windy, and not raining. Whew! I was actually very lucky and blessed that that particular date was absolutely “weather perfect.”

Balloons:

I couldn’t order the cake or balloons (I love balloons!) until I knew if the weather was going to be good. Once I knew, I went to Party City and ordered around 30 balloons. Of course, when you order balloons, you don't realize how much space they will actually take up, lol. All of them barely fit in my car! (I would find out that Saturday morning of the photo shoot). One of the things I also wanted to do was have those 40 inch big numbers - a five and zero silver balloons. I saw some photos of that, and so I ordered those as well.

Cake:

I then went to Target to order my cake. I told the lady exactly what I wanted: two-layer vanilla cake with pink icing. I showed her pictures, so she knew the exact look. I wanted certain strokes on the cake, not ‘rose’ strokes. I know, I’m a Diva, lol!

I had to pay for the balloons up front, but I was to pay for the cake when I picked it up.

Entire Day Perfectly Timed:

I had everything timed out on the day of the photo shoot. I was supposed to be at the park at 3:15. I asked Susan if she could come over at 11:30. I had planned to pick up the balloons by noon, the cake by 12:30. That leaves me an hour to go over all the items with Susan, 30 minutes to do my makeup, and then 20 minutes to drive over there.

Hair and Nails, Duh:

Of course I had my hair highlighted and straightened the day before. Had to have purty hair! And my toenails and fingernails were painted pink so they would be nice, as well.

Susan’s Help:

Susan arrived promptly at 11:30 and I had a list for her already. She would add things to it as we collaborated, knowing I would be too stressed and high-strung to think of everything during the photo shoot.

Packing:

The one thing I REALLY felt we should do (it sounds crazy, I know), was for Susan and I together to arrange all the props and decorations inside the wagons before we put everything in my car. This way, when we take everything out of the car at the park, we are saving time because we already knew how to pack the two wagons.

The balloons, cake, and all the decorations and props BARELY all fit in my car! It was a lot of things!

The other thing about packing: I wanted her to help pack because I wanted her to know exactly where everything was. If something was needed in a pinch during the photo shoot, instead of me getting it, or her rummaging through boxes or bags trying to find (let’s say, a pair of scissors), she would know exactly where it was, at her fingertips, saving time.

Extra Items to Take:

And of course, need not just the decorations and props - but, scissors, tape, hammer, string, slippers, napkins for after I have cake on my face, forks in case they wanted a bite of the cake after the photo shoot, etc. Even Susan was surprised how organized I was and that I thought of everything possibly needed, lol.

Free Cake – Ooops:

Three days after the photo shoot, it dawned on me we picked up the cake and we walked right out without paying! I was just so overwhelmed, yet happy and anxious, yet had some stress getting ready that day, that I just walked right out with it, lol. But, the next time I went to Target that week, I brought in the barcode from the cake box and paid for it then.

We Arrived!

I did my makeup and then after we packed the car, we drive to the park and arrive there at 3:14. Yes, I really planned and timed out everything perfectly!

We take everything out the car, pack up the wagons easily, and grab the cake and balloons. Mandy takes some portrait photos of me under a willow tree near a stream. Then we walk almost half a mile (pulling and carrying all of our “stuff” lol) to an open field in front of trees. Mandy asked me to pick the spot I wanted, and as her and I walked over to a bridge with the balloons, Susan stayed back and set up the decorations and props. I already showed Susan photos of what I envisioned, so she knew what I was going for. I felt very comfortable and confident leaving her setting things up while Mandy and I went to the bridge with my balloons and did a photo shoot over there.

After the bridge photos, we walked back to the field, and there were over TEN families having outdoor photo shoots! Now it made sense why Mandy wanted me to pick the spot early, to get the prime spot of my vision before others grabbed the area.

Slippers

I don't wear heels at all so I wore slippers for when I wouldn’t be taking photos. I honestly couldn't even take TWO steps in the heels without toppling over, it was pretty funny.

5-0 Balloons:

As we walked to the bridge, I was holding the big numbers: the silver five and silver zero, along with the other balloons. The Five wasn’t secure enough and escaped my grip! Mandy would tell me it's actually tough to take photos with number balloons, as they blow around and move a lot. So, it really wasn't a bad thing. Well, bad in the sense I hate that it's going to pop and then fall to the ground and litter somewhere.

Close-ups:

The other thing I wanted was close-up photos of the cake, flowers, my poses, me holding the cake, etc… things like that. I had no idea how any of this was going to come out - I was just putting my faith in Mandy’s hands and was hoping she heard my vision and that it would be beautiful and I would love it.

Confident:

Mandy made me feel extremely confident and comfortable in my skin. I only thought about my weight maybe one time. She was extremely complimentary and knew what positions would be flattering and it really, really helped me, and I think that came across in the photos. But, she also helped because I did not feel embarrassed and was able to act myself, instead of being shy, quiet, timid, and scared. So, my “Melinda” personality showed up for the photo shoot!

Smashing!

After NUMEROUS poses among the props and decorations, it was time to eat cake! I didn't know how to smash a cake! They told me “get your fingers in there!” Then they told me to put some icing on my nose, lol. Then I dove in and ate from my fingers, haha! She captured it all!

At the end, I wanted to lay in/on the cake, kind of like I was drunk LOL.

The Photos:

Mandy surprised me and had them ready as an early Christmas present. I had no idea I’d see them that soon. As I went through each photo, I cried! I was happy, excited, and overwhelmed that Mandy made my dream come true perfectly! I didn't want to just text her that I loved the photos - I called her. I wanted her to hear the sound of happiness in my voice. Of course I was blubbering the whole time saying thank you because I was just.so.moved. They came out great!!

It’s a Surprise

No one knew I did this because I really want to surprise everyone for my 50th birthday. It’s been SO tough not tell my friends or shout to the world about this. TOUGH!

Grateful:

I am proud of myself for following through with this idea, something out-of-the box for me. It was a pure joy to be able to experience a fun photo shoot, with a fantastic photographer, for a once in a life-time occasion. I will be thoroughly grateful forever for Mandy Beth!

A Photo Gallery of most of the photos will be posted in my blog tomorrow (Feb 10th)!

Betsy's Impact

2020-01-15T11:45:00.000-06:00

I am tearing up as I write this.

I wrote about my Mom's high school friend, Betsy, who found me online almost exactly two years ago, while she was searching for my Mom.

Betsy was the type of woman who would reach out to me almost after every post I made on this blog. She would also send me encouraging words, thoughtful bits, and say how proud she is of me, or that "Your Mom would be so proud of you."

I posted in late November this post: "Letter for My Mom, 2009"

I included a ton of photos for Betsy and my Mom's other high school friends (she would forward my blog posts to them). I am including more photos in many of my blog posts now because of the feedback I received from them about enjoying the photos. In August I wrote about them (see their recent Sunday picnic gathering photo here).

After I posted the Letter for My Mom with so many of the photos of her, I wondered when I would hear from Betsy! I was excited, in fact. She normally would ask me questions about certain photos of my Mom, or provide thoughtful comments about what I wrote about.

A month goes by. Nothing.

I was posting more than usual in November, and wondered - am I posting more for Betsy?

But then, still no word from her.

I started to worry, so a couple of weeks later I looked around on social media to see if I could find out anything. I found a niece who posted about surgery for her Aunt Betsy, yes, my Mom's high school friend.

No other details.

In early January, still concerned, I scoured my inbox to see if there was contact info in any of Betsy's emails.

I found a forwarded email from Emae, another high school friend that was conversing with Betsy about one of my blog posts.

I emailed Emae and she emailed me right back. Betsy had been dizzy in mid November, several falls by late November, and by end of Nov tests revealed large amount of cancer on her brain stem, top of brain & Left lung.

In early December, s large mass removed from brain stem, then followed up with radiation.

Emae had been seeing and taking her to appts. She shared my messages to Betsy.

On Friday, Betsy was finally home from the Rehab center! Emae was to take her to an appt on Monday.

An email Saturday afternoon from Emae shared sad news: "Betsy's daughter-in-law found Betsy this morning, at home in bed, deceased."

I started to cry.

I am still devastated.

I keep getting teared up off and on every day since I heard the news.

Betsy was my only connection to my Mom and she was SO kind to. She would send me emails about the blog topics, and then share what was going on in her world.

It makes me wonder - am I writing for other people? The inception of this blog was just to share things on my mind, and not ever was I even thinking about who was reading it or not. I don't even know who or how many reads these. I believe it's just a handful, honestly.

But, when certain people gave me feedback, I realized that I wanted to blog more - yes, sometimes just for them. I wrote a lot just for my recent ex (MM). And then I was doing it for Betsy.

I think I have an issue.

However, Betsy was a different connection. She was my Mom's high school friend. She CARED about my Mom. She mentioned her a lot, whether to ask questions about photos of her or to share what her classmates were doing.

I do not understand why I'm so emotional of her passing.

I guess because I became friends with someone who not only knew my Mom, but wanted to talk about her. I loved when she mentioned my Mom, or provided compliments, like maybe the way my Mom thought about me.

I'm upset, and it confuses me.

I will still blog, but it wont be the same at all to not hear from her anymore after I post. She was my friend. She cared about me. She cared about my Mom.

Here is am example of what I am referring to. From one of our first exchanges, it shows how beautiful Betsy's heart was, and exactly why I will miss her:

Did you ever return to Gloversville with her [my Mom]? We have something we are proud of this year with the official gloves for the US Olympic team having been made in Gloversville!

The leather industry is almost dead here, but at one time things were a lot different.

This is an interesting story about the company and the industry behind the beautiful gloves that the 2018 U.S. Olympic Team members have.

https://dailygazette.com/article/2018/02/15/sunderland-leather-a-survivor-in-a-vanished-industry

I am going to share your news and everyone will be very happy to hear that Toni had a beautiful daughter she loved very much. You may even hear from a few because a few of us are computer literate while many want nothing to do with it! I searched your name after I found Toni had a survivor. You are with the National Weather Service? You have done well, Melinda. We are proud of you, too.

A very happy Birthday to you Melinda. Your mother is your Guardian Angel and she is always with you...

photo of the official gloves for the US Olympic team

photo of my Mom during high school

Pumkin Patch Like No Other (with Charlie Brown and friends!)

2019-12-04T15:54:00.002-06:00

There's so many things nowadays that kids get to do, see, or go to that weren't around when I was little. One such thing is a pumpkin patch. However, I was finally able to attend one at the end of October!

The catch was it was at the Dallas Arboretum... which is a most stunning visual place even without pumpkins. It has a million flowers and plants and it's gorgeous every day of the year, and quite a days worth of beauty.

As I looked at the dates to go, I realized that there was only one weekend left of the pumpkin patch at the Dallas Arboretum... where there it "highlights the nationally acclaimed Pumpkin Village featuring pumpkin houses and creative displays utilizing more than 90,000 pumpkins, gouds and squash. This year with the theme, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."

I immediately thought about my friend Dana who lives an hour north of the Dallas Arboretum and I live an hour south. We like to get together once or twice a year, so this was perfect! However.... I also thought about our friend Ann who lives near Dana.

Ann LOVES the Fall. And I mean loves the fall. After the Fall is over, she talks about how she can't wait for Fall to return, hahaha.

So I reached out to both of them and told them that I would treat them to the Dallas Arboretum pumpkin patch! We figured out we could all go on the very last Sunday of the event and the three of us spent a cool and relaxing 6-hour day of walking around the Dallas Arboretum together, catching up and making memories! We got super lucky that the weather was fantastic on this Sunday! Cold front came through a day before and there was a crisp coolness in the air with beautiful blue skies, not a cloud to be seen. It was perfect!

I have never seen so many pumpkins!

To me, the coolest thing about this memory was that Dana and Ann had never been to the Dallas Arboretum. I was so excited for them to get to finally see it!

It was a such a great day with great friends.

Fossil Rim!

2019-11-29T14:58:00.004-06:00

One of the things I've always wanted to do is spend the night at Fossil Rim.

Fossil Rim is a drive-through park where you can feed wild animals. However, they also have a cool package where you can spend the night! I always wanted to do this, but for whatever reason never really set a date. It was just something I put on my bucket list.

For whatever reason, in September I asked my coworker (a friend named Leslie) if she still wanted to do this and she said yes and voila! We picked a date in Oct!

I didn't really look it up too much, because I like to be surprised by things like this. So, I tried not to look at photos on their website or read too much about it. Therefore, I wasn't really sure what I was in for or what to expect.

It was truly an amazing experience!

AND! To find out that Fossil Rim is actually a place that takes in animals to care for them and does a lot of conservatory things for animals to save their lives, makes me love this place even more. I am a lot like my Mom and don't really like places that have animals (like circus, zoo's etc) because they are just caged and not running around in their normal habitat. Even drive through parks make me wonder if the animals are being taking care of, or is the place just making money? Well, Fossil Rim is 100% about taking care of animals, even rescuing some and rehabilitating others. They are known for accepting animals that need help, to prepare them to live a healthier life.

Part of staying over night is we get to be on a behind-the-scenes tour of the animals that are almost extinct. We also find out what Fossil Rim is doing about them, how they are helping, and what their mission is.

Mission: Fossil Rim Wildlife Center is dedicated to the conservation of species in peril, conducting scientific research, training of professionals, responsible management of natural resources and public education. Through these activities, we provide a diversity of compelling learning experiences that inspire positive change in the way people think, feel and act towards nature.

When we went to the behind the scenes tour, our host was a very jovial excited woman named Sarah. She was SO excited for us to be there and be able to find out about how Fossil Rim takes care of the almost-extinct animals. I knew it was going to be a great tour when half the tour 'bus' were repeat guests!

Then we went through the drive through park and had special access to many of the animals, like these giraffes!

Sarah and I at one point somehow started to talk about my Mom and Sarah made a comment that she "Wished my Mom could have been able to come to Fossil Rim," and of course I immediately teared up; I completely agree with her. Anytime someone says something so endearing about my Mom, means the absolute world to me. And Sarah was spot on. It seemed like she was reading my heart - my Mom would have LOVED this place! It's unfortunate I wasn't able to bring her here, but at least I saw everything through my Mom's eyes and heart.

And of course the other highlight of this trip is spending the night. Where the cabins are located (which by the way are super small, lol) are situated in front of a watering hole!

So as we sat in wooden seats, we could see animal after animal after animal walking down and drinking water all throughout the day, and especially in the early evening hours. I think at one point I counted over 50 animals!

If anyone ever has a chance to visit Fossil Rim in Glen Rose, Texas, I highly recommend it!