My Brain Unleashed

The Mess

2010-08-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

I wake to this dream, wishing that I could sleep my way back to reality. I toss and kick, as the monotonous variety here makes me sick. I will not grow old for lack of being bold. I would have purchased courage were it sold. Fear impedes progress, as I painfully regress during times of distress. Then I realize, the only way to the other side is right through the mess.

My Part

2010-08-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

I know to grow and grow to know, at some point we all must go. Meanwhile, I think I will embrace the plot scene by scene, savoring the tumultuous and the serene, and enjoying the music as I dance my part. When I stumble and start to grumble, I hope I soon recall that we all, at times, fall. And when they announce the final curtain call, I hope I am still grateful for it all

Nature's Moods

2010-07-30T15:38:00.001-07:00

“Nature’s Moods”

Blazing heat
Of summer’s sun,
Piercing the core
Of the thickest thickness

Drifting leaves
Of autumn’s fun
Shaping the ground
Of the sickest sickness

Glazing ice
Of winter’s run
Guiding the sound
Of the loudest loudness

Sifting flowers
Of spring’s rain
Knowing the chore
Of the saddest sadness.

Under Anger

2010-07-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

“Under Anger”

Clenching fists,
Grinding teeth,
Pounding heart,
Slow to breathe;
Seeing red,
Walking away
Resisting tears;
Better not stay…
Growing colder,
Sensing pain
Aching art,
Heavy as rain

Not again,
Tearing apart;
Dreading the strain…

Be bolder –
It’s a play
Staging fears,
Turning gray;
Being misfed,
Inside you seethe,
Wanting to start
Looking beneath
Your clenching fists.

Dichotomy

2010-07-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I want to feel, to heal, to be real. So much of life is a shitty deal. I lie prostrate on the ground like a ball of yarn unwound. Praying for the return of relief, as if it was stolen by the world's cruelest thief. I'll grow. I know. Though, most of me wants to go. I stand atop a peak. That which I always seek, eludes me not in this moment. Oh, how I missed you, blessed contentment! My only hesitation is the awareness of the next shitty deal.

A Shattered Dream

2010-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

I cannot seem to communicate the utter misery of my current state. In my youth, I bought a dream that I could be anything I wanted to be. Reality has ripped this illusion at the seams. Will I beg for or steal my next meal? Do I continue to fight or give in tonight? My heart aches and I have stomach pangs. I feel as if I stood in place while a brute kicked me in the stomach over and again. What of this game? I cannot win! I stand alone, trying to find a new home. Tears come and go - more than I will show. I wonder if this pain is worth the growth. Then, for bedtime I pray and try to make it through the rest of the day.

The Wall

2010-05-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

To grow independent of my feelings would be to deny the fruit and settle for the peelings. To breathe without appreciating the process of such a semivoluntary act, without appreciating the air, is a farse at best. For feigned apathy fails to rescue me from the fact that I truly care. My thoughts create emotions faster than I want to share. Yet, the process requires lucidity, my heart and mind to scare. I need you to push me and catch me as I fall, to listen to that which I cannot say on this side of the wall.

Human

2010-05-05T01:13:00.000-07:00

To live, to laugh, to love, these are the things for which my soul yearns. Too many times have I missed my chance - opportunities lost at almost every turn. With every breath I take, decisions become harder to make. I raise my hands and clench my fists. Why must I go on like this? Then I recall that which I regret most of all... I am human and so it must be.

Grasping at Air

2010-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am falling at a rate faster than I can compute. I am falling away - away from you. Heart palpitations and sweaty palms... Deep seated pain hurts my heart, my soul, my brain. I grasp at air, for you are not there. I want to be held and consoled, to be loved, and to be whole. For so long, you have been gone. For so long, I have held on... held on to an idea, a mere figment, your absence not to lament. So, I fall and never reach the ground. I fall, because you have never truly been around.

Night Stage

2010-02-09T21:43:00.000-08:00

Oh dark and treacherous night, greeting me with a thousand shades of fright, as you boldly chase out the light! Will you win this age old fight? I close my eyes, but you are there... always trying my mind to scare. To see you I must, but I will not stare. For the spookiest of spooky like a cloak you wear, eerily filling the air. I think about spring as I dare to sing of happier views than the scenes of that which others can do under the cover of you! My soul aches and my heart is heavy. Tears fall as water breaks a levy. Beads of sweat soak my sheets. I would almost rather roam the streets. I gasp for air, but my chest is tight. I reach for safety and turn on the light. Sweet battle won in a war everlasting! The stage is set for tomorrow's casting.

The Cell

2010-02-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

At the height of all heights; just as at the pit of all pits, the numbest numbness exists. Pain no longer persists nor is there any sort of bliss - only numbness therein. Many people strive for happiness and contentment - life without sadness or resentment. Yet, some of the most beautiful sentences ever produced were nothing less than pain induced. Underneath and in spite of the misery lies a certain creativity, which cannot fail to release me from the darkness of the cell that holds me.

The Substance of a Dream

2010-01-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

The substance of a dream cannot be truly measured, though its effects are certainly treasured. I dream I breathe the air in front of me, feel safe despite insecurities, and love just because I can. I laugh whimsically in a way that suits me, as I dance unpredictably, whether or not you join me. Which of these shall I trade, a dreamer’s dream having made, for a life most dichotomous – a life in which bitter only makes me long for sweet? My charming reverie I long to greet, as I search for its essence on this lonely street.

Pictures

2010-01-11T16:43:00.001-08:00

Take your pictures,
Colors they bind;
Grant me your sight,
I’ll show you my mind.

Fragmented sanity
In black and white;
Hues of indifference,
Staging a fight…

Blending fear and love,
Leaving truth aside,
Chasing euphoria,
Finding gray inside.

Stifling images,
The death of creativity;
With one click,
The birth of conformity.

Teach me words,
Pictures I will make;
The pensive soul,
My images will take.

Creative Journey

2010-01-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

I decided to establish a blog, because I needed additional motivation to continue writing. I began writing poetry at age eleven and I began writing and performing comedy material at age twenty-two. The creative journey, at least for me, is an unpaved path with many stumbling blocks and resting points along the way. Everything that I have posted thus far was written prior to the advent of this blog and everything after this post will be new. I invite you to join me as I continue on this path…

On Life and Death

2010-01-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Death is as much a part of life as is birth. With every breath we take, we secure our space on Earth and move a step towards a place where we don’t need space. Time is surreal for we no longer have senses to detect it. Life is miniscule for we have already lived it. Our souls no longer yearn for the “hereafter” for we now begin to experience it; and we realize that our previous life was but a piece of the puzzle so commonly called “the grand scheme of things”.
It is not mine to tell if we burn in hell or get assigned wings. Neither do I know if we really meet our maker, by way of the undertaker. That, my friend, is for you to decide. For you alone must live with your choices. Drown out the cries of popular voices and listen to your soul. Have you found it yet? I would really like to know. For when you do, you will no longer question the certainty of your life’s direction. You will know without a doubt what your purpose is about.
Throw away the garbage contained in the teachings of your past - various theologies swarming in a mind so vast. Stop questioning what God is and accept the fact that God is. Know that you are, because God is, and that your life is precious. Meet your maker now through the people that you encounter. Know that there is a little piece of God in each of us and that you are God’s handiwork. Look for that today and your attitude will change.
Recognize that you are only responsible for your own actions and that they are a direct result of your thoughts. Allow yourself to take risks and even to make mistakes. In so doing, you will probably learn to welcome change – which is inevitable anyway. Make the most of your time here on Earth by helping as many as you can. They will help you – help you understand that life is about growth. Then you can rise above your pain and your strife, into a land unknown to most women and men; because life depends upon perception, which is often misguided by deception.

Quit Smoking?

2010-01-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

Contrary to what you might be thinking at this juncture, I am not a 10-yr-old little boy… Kept telling my ex that too… He’s got a boyfriend now… I should have known something was up when he told me his first name was father…

I’m from Texas, but you probably already knew that… ‘cause like they say, “Everything’s bigger in Texas”. I was a little concerned about moving to California, because my teeth are flashing gang signs.

This hypnotist I know told me that I should stick to telling short jokes… apparently he’s not a very good hypnotist… Boy, I really wanted to kick that guy in the shins…

I used to have a pretty good self-esteem, until I started interacting with people.

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist for an evaluation… listened to him ask you if you hear voices… and wondered if he actually asked you the question?

I quit smoking a few weeks ago, because I wanted to improve the quality of my life… Since then, I regained my sense of smell. I’m nose-level with most people’s armpits… why do I want a sense of smell?

I also lost my wallet…asked a crackhead to help me move into my new apartment with my smoking roommates…gave myself a mild concussion with a garage door…had a panic attack…heard a doctor tell me that my brain is normal…forgot that I quit smoking…remembered that I quit smoking…and cried like Jerry Falwell after having a nightmare about Justin Timberlake spanking Janet Jackson until her boob fell out of her shirt.

In that order, I think…

(extracted from a set of material 2006)

Workout Room

2010-01-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

Cursed Dilemma

2010-01-10T11:52:00.001-08:00

I would rather turn within myself than to be without you, though the former does not negate the latter. What a cursed dilemma at best! I have lived my life in jest, waiting for a sign – whether malignant or benign. Yet you speak to me in terms inaudible, as I idly await the improbable. Shall I continue this path and cite you as the source of my wrath? Bittersweet familiarity soothingly pierces my soul, but today I am choosing to become whole. So, for guidance I pray as I walk along my way!

Black and White

2010-01-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I believe in you and sometimes I do not. Vacillating between relief and recusal, finding discontent after my merriment – always met with my insidious refusal and some sanely insane argument. I am grasping for air, which I cannot hold. Tenacity, as such, has never been so bold. Yet I continue to play at this sordid venue each day. I alternate between intervals short, as water runs under a ship leaving port.

Royal Pauper

2010-01-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Hours became a day
Without a word to say,
The day led to another
Without a word to utter;
A week was soon spent,
Not a thought for cent;
Sweet Catatonic soul
Shattered in your role
What of your fist
My hands to resist;
What of your boot
My ass to refute;
What of your words
My brain to record?

The week became two
Under the reign of you-
The royal pauper
Acting most improper,
Passing out blows
To your children as foes;
Torturous nights
Creating many a fight,
As master beats slave
Whose defense begets a grave
Weeks became more,
More beatings than before
I will never regret
That I shall not forget
Your greatest weapon
Teaching my lesson,
Words piercing my heart
What was my part?
I bought your words
And used them as swords
Cutting me over and again,
Reliving your sin
Like food most unsavory
They kept me in slavery;
In the aftertaste of hell
Of heaven there was tell
In misery most familiar
I found my savior!

Sleepwalker

2010-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

Fog smothers the brain
Drifting here and there
Searching the Terrain
Filling spaces in the air

The illness will taunt
Infecting the chaos
Demanding its wants
No shame is lost

The brain will not fight
Welcoming fog instead
Closing the door tight
To avoid being dead

Symbiotic they may seem
Dancing all around
Creating this dream
Closely they are bound

The dreamer will wake
Shattering the illusion
Choosing clarity to take
Amid mass confusion

The fog dissipates
Expelled by the brain
The dreamer radiates
Yet, is not sane

Floating on the stream
Far away from the dream.

Virus

2010-01-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Cough again,
Free my soul;
Welcome dawn,
Make me go;
Exhale pain,
Inhale the flow;
I will be gone
If you say so;
Coursing your veins,
Dying Slow;
Holding on,
I cannot go…

I cannot go,
Holding on;
Dying slow,
Coursing your veins;
If you say so,
I will be gone;
Inhale the flow,
Exhale the pain;
Make me go,
Welcome dawn;
Free my soul,
Cough again.

Change

2010-01-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I used to be a fighter,
The proverbial outsider;
Watching others’ lives,
Pain cutting like knives,
Penetrating my heart
Again I had to start;
That which I find strange,
Is the consistency of change,
Causing me to be bitter,
Then to reconsider;
My past can haunt me,
Normality to taunt me;
Waking I see truth,
Abnormality visits you too,
And I welcome my past,
Finding freedom at last!

God

2010-01-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

Fire is okay
When it’s contained
My spirit’s core
Not to be drained
All consuming,
Haunting fears
Following me
Throughout the years
Half full or half empty
Neither concerns me,
I look up
Please just tell me
What sort of liquid
Fills your cup?

Hollowed Whole

2010-01-10T11:21:00.001-08:00

Archaic Columns,
Stoic inlays,
Prominent Statuettes,
Surrounding in grays.

Fillings of mystery,
Feelings in vain…
Except for the story
Of the smallest crane…

Watching the madness
Of wasting our days;
Howling in silence,
Lost in the maze.

Standing tall
To find the split;
Picturing himself
For your benefit.

Collective disdain,
Existing in frays;
Knocking for truth
Develops stays.

Hollowed centers
Ignite the craze!