My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder

Invisible

2009-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

It was the strangest experience being gone for that long and by myself most of the time. I hate being alone and I was resigned to that. However, I just hadn't expected the internal reaction I got from being surrounded by people yet still very much alone.

With nearly two thousand horses at this show there were plenty of people around me. It was hard to go anywhere without bumping into folks. Yet with the focus as intense as it can be at a national horse show , they were pretty involved with doing their own thing. Even those people I knew were mere passing blips on the radar for some kind of human connection. The people I was stabled with were kind but not friendly. My only interactions with them were pretty much at my instigation and brief. It was a solitary and uncomfortable time.

Fortunately I had lots to do. With three horses to care for just the maintenance work could take most of the day. Add in schooling times and unexpected "issues" surrounding the horses and there really wasn't even much time to watch classes.

I had hoped to see more of the national championships. I love watching classes at horse show. However, even that activity is something more enjoyable shared with a friend. When I did get the opportunity I was painfully aware of the difference partaking in this activity by myself.

Cleaning stalls has always been a reflective time for me. I'm not sure in this particular situation that was a good thing. I spent many an hour keenly aware of my discomfort in a time that should have been gratifying. I found myself wondering if this dream as currently interpreted is what I really want after all.

Somewhere near the end of this experience it dawned on me the source of the agony I was experiencing. Even with people everywhere I was feeling invisible.

Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse. However, for me being invisible was a form of punishment. To be ignored in such a manner meant that I was unworthy to be alive......to breathe.........to love. These maybe old messages from a time long past but they still have a dark hold on me. That was clearly evidenced in the emotional roller coaster ride I took on this trip.

Weary Traveller

2009-11-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am finally home. It seems like I've been gone forever when it's only been seventeen days. Regardless, I am exhausted after leaving Tulsa on Sunday morning at 8 am and arriving here at just before noon today. Taking time zones into account that's fifty-eight hours of travel time.

I am safe and the horses are safe. Although I would say that at least some of us are worse for wear due to this experience. Details to follow when I've gotten a chance to sleep.

Lift Off

2009-10-16T23:34:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post to say the count down is over and we have lift off. If that doesn't make any sense to you it translates to I will be leaving in the morning for Tulsa.

Dave is letting me take his laptop so I hope to be doing some posting from Tulsa. It looks like I'll be getting there in about four days. Hopefully I'll get some sleep over that time and it won't take me a week to recuperate from the trip. I'll be checking in when I can........wish me luck..........

Traveling Along..........One Way or Another.........

2009-10-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

While I'm sailing along here trying to get all the last minute stuff done for this trip, I find myself too busy to think about much else. Considering all the things that I've been tortured with lately this is a relief.

I am still worrying about making this trip. I thought I had things figured out but things have changed. The trainer I am going to meet up with is planning on driving straight through. That would be 1700 miles without stopping to sleep. I'm not sure my body can handle that. I may have to find a place to lay over and finish the trip by myself.

I am still hoping someone will magically appear to ride along with me. However, there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. The prospect of doing this alone re enforces the aloneness I feel in the world. "If I was like normal people, I'd have a friend to ride with me" is a pretty strong message.

I was reading a book on DID last night. In it there was mention of the aloneness that those with DID all seem to share. There are times knowing that I'm at least not alone in something would be comforting but right now...........not so much.

I find myself running over in my head what keeps me isolated. The thing that seems to resonate most is that I really don't know how to do it any other way. I am just not comfortable with girl talk, shopping or the like. All of those things that seem to bond women to each other just are not important to me. I am much more familiar with trying to figure out how to survive.

The way that "girl friends" hurt each other over trivial things doesn't look appealing to me much either. Betrayal is betrayal in my book and I either can't or won't give that up. What I want in a relationship is far more intimate than that. I guess I would rather have nothing than settle for less than what I really want......

More Processing...........

2009-10-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

Currently I am just trying to keep focused on nationals. If I can just get there and show my horses maybe something will break loose and I'll get some cash flow going. If not I'll have to deal with that then.

As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.

The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.

The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.

Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.

I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........

More Complications

2009-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

Not long ago Angie, Richard, Dave and I had a meeting. Richard had decided we needed a meeting before we continue our relationship. The need for this meeting had arisen because I had asked a question that Richard had taken differently than I intended.

The questions was "Are we working horses today or not.?" Richard took it that I was accusing him of not doing right by our agreement. While I have felt that he's not been taking care of our business lately, that was not the motivation of that question at the time. It was strictly about my time and deciding how I was spending it that day.

During the course of this meeting it became clear that Angie and Richard have decided that Rachel is a great kid. While that might be true it doesn't change the fact that she does not treat me any differently than her mother does. She is defensive about everything and anything I say to her, making a productive relationship impossible.

Angie was loaded with instances that she saw as me being the problem in my relationship with Rachel. She didn't know what was behind these instances or anything more than what she saw but she still sided with Rachel. After our discussion she saw things differently but I doubt it will change her jumping to conclusions in the future.

She also made the comment that I am supposed to be the adult. Granted she was trying to be helpful but at the same time how helpful can one be taking sides. If she was actively trying to see both sides, I might see her as helpful but it is clear that's not the case.

I explained to Angie how being the adult does not protect me from my feelings being linked with physical torture. I must protect myself if I am to survive and that both Rachel and Colleen are aware that this linking is a problem but fail to consider it in their decisions. They still proceed with things that could have a compromise and not cause me any pain. Yet they are more interested in being in control than working things out.

I really don't believe it is anyone's problem that I have this issue. However, I do believe that if you care for someone, you take their issues into account when it is appropriate. For Rachel and Colleen to ignore their behavior towards me can trigger that physical torture linking seems unfeeling and is the reason I chose to keep my distance from them. Whether or not Angie and Richard really get that I don't know but so far I think not.

Like I said before, I think Richard and Angie both have placed themselves right smack in the middle of the issues with my daughter and my granddaughter. While I have been trying to deal with the external assaults on my business, I have also been trying to wade through this mess in my daily life. I am in this situation five days a week. It affects me both personally and within my business.

If that isn't enough, Angie recently did something I consider to be unethical. She bought something out from underneath me that I really needed and she knew it was intended for me. Still it was something she wanted so she took it knowing full well it had been promised to me.

This betrayal has had a powerful effect on me. I no longer feel safe using their facility at all. Yet, not using it will make things difficult in getting done what I need to with my horses not to mention the fact that I am "supposed" to be there for at least another year. What I'm going to do about this, I"m still trying to get figured out.

That leaves me with not just the issue with them being in the middle with my daughter and granddaughter but there is this other personal betrayal as well. It is no wonder I do not feel safe and my world is feeling like it's turning upside down. A week hasn't gone by since the turmoil started in June when some new twist has not been thrown into the mix. It's no wonder I don't know which way is up or which way I should turn.

More Stuff

2009-10-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen. Before I get into this epiphany, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around for months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen, along with Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.

Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving my daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.

Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.

In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with their friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.

However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. Those issues seem to have become solely "my problem."

As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.

The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of "dead weight" and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.

It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to me like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?

Responsibility

2009-10-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen until then but before I get into what I saw, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around from months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen and Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.

Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving me daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.

Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and got them the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.

In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with the friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.

However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. They seem to have become "my problem."

As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.

The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of that and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.

It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to be like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?

Messes............

2009-10-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm on a blogging roll here. Four posts written in one morning. I thought I'd take advantage of the "flow from my tired brain" while it was here. Once I shift gears and get back to getting ready for my trip, this may all disappear. I didn't want to take any chances and not post what's going on with me.

I am trying to clean up a lot of my messes here before I go. I hate coming home to a house piled in undone chores. Despite cleaning up my own messes, I am sure to come home to plenty of chaos left by Lindsay and Dave while I am gone.

That worries me............not the stuff in the house as much as what might be left undone with my horses. Food and water are essential to their survival but I don't trust Lindsay nor Dave to be diligent. They aren't when I'm here and I have seen evidence that they aren't when I am away. I wish I could count on someone checking up on them. The length of time I will be gone could be critical to a horse not getting water.

Their care is on again off again despite my requests for more diligence. It's hard for me to comprehend this acceptance of mediocrity by my husband and my daughter. I suppose I could chalk Lindsay's up to her brain damage but I am not an enabler. My pushing her past that barrier supplies by her doctors is why she functions as well as she does. I will not stop pushing as long as it gives her a better quality of life.

I guess the same is probably true for Dave. He is his own worst enemy. Like his mother, he can wallow in the horses being too much work, even though he would probably die being a couch potato. The only exercise he does is horse related so I continue to push.

The underlying message here is my dream is dependant upon their help. They say they are committed to helping but that commitment is not consistent. It's hard to leave knowing that's the case.

It's equally hard to continue knowing I am counting on them. I find myself struggling with giving up because of my frustration over the lack of trust I have in either of them. Some days I think I would be better off to sell all of the horses and leave so I can start over somewhere else. Lately those thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.

Blogging...........and Traveling...........and Obstacles

2009-10-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to convince my husband to let me take his laptop on this trip. I thought if I could continue posting on my blogs I wouldn't feel so alone. I also thought it would be easier for me to share what's happening in the hear and now than in the past. My memory isn't what it used to be........and that's ok with me.

There is one thing that's happening while I'm in Tulsa that I'm really looking forward to(besides actually showing my horses) that has to do with blogging. One of my blogging friends is coming to the horse show just to see me. I am looking forward to meeting her and really wishing we could spend more time together than just a couple of hours or so.

This online friend quit blogging almost a year ago. I have really missed her yet I've felt connected to her none the less. I've none, despite her silence, she would be there if I really needed her. There has been comfort in that. Now I'm finding comfort in the thought she will be there in Tulsa. She's going to help me find the places I will need to survive will I am there.

Survive probably sounds like a strong term for such things as a laundromat and grocery store. However, I am going to this event the cheapest way possible. I will be sleeping in my horse trailer and eating mostly what I can throw together for myself. I have a cooler and small refrigerator and will take non perishables with me. I will need fresh foods, ice and, of course, clean clothes to get me through the twelve days I am actually in Tulsa.

For me going places I am unfamiliar with can be crippling. I know myself well enough to know despite how bad I might need clean clothes and/or fresh food and ice it could be nearly impossible to get me off the horse show facility if I don't know where I am going. The fear of being lost far outweighs minor things like eating...........

Funny how those old messages can be so strong. Yet I can get myself to travel two thousand miles across unknown territory but won't be able to get myself those few blocks or so to find what I need once I am there. My friend locating those places for me ahead of time will help me get through those messages to what I need.

My biggest obstacle will be getting my clothes washed. I wish I had enough clothes to not have to sit around at a laundromat waiting alone for my clothes to wash and dry. I actually found enough pairs of old jeans I could get by but it is underwear and socks that are my biggest problem. I think I'm still holding out for the possibility of picking up enough to eliminate that need.

The grocery store will probably be easier to get myself to. I can do what I need and head back to where I feel more comfortable. I will work on a routine to accomplish this task that should help. Hopefully the actual store will be close to the horse facility. Distance could put a crimp in my plans.

Normally, I don't think much about my fear of venturing out. I can stay focused on the horses and do what I need. Dave takes care of these other necessary trips for me. I can't even tell you when I was last in a grocery store..........oh, yes I can, it was while I was at a horse show. .........so what the time before than.............and so on. I guess a grocery store two thousand miles from home shouldn't be so intimidating.

Hopes........Fears...........and Sugar..............

2009-10-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am hoping I will sell a horse at nationals........not just any horse, but one of those I am taking. However, I think there is not much chance of that. I am not happy with her condition at the moment and I think she must look like a super star to have any chance of selling but I'm still going to try. We'll see where it goes.

The odds are I will get the opportunity to sell either of the other two horses I am taking before the filly. The only problem with that is those two horses are cornerstones in my dream..........selling either of them will be selling myself out.

This dilemma only adds to the heaviness I feel. It's no wonder I feel bogged down with the weight of my dream crashing down on me. I work to see beyond my worst fears looking for the light at the end of this tunnel, hoping there is still some chance for my dream to survive.

The events of the last few months have added to this heaviness. Not just because they have messed with my head but because they have an effect on the outcome of my dream. I'm seeing a bigger obstacle to my success than I ever imagined before. I'm not sure if this obstacle is real.........or merely perceived. That is part of the struggle.

If it is real, I'm not sure that I can hold on financially long enough to overcome it. That's part of this new weight I feel. A part of me keeps saying that I'm tough and I will make it no matter what..............another part is concerned with being a bit more practical.........cutting my losses and saving my ass before I get into something more devastating. And, of course, there are many more arguments in between.

Finding a path through all of this is exhausting. I think that exhaustion is what's getting the best of me. Having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other carries its own emotional weight. Sometimes I wish I could just pop some pill to get me moving.........but I know better.

I struggle with fixing my diet to see if that will help. OH! but I love my sugar..........that's probably my biggest problem. Getting off of sugar is something I have not been able to accomplish. Changing my diet over to only healthy foods to see if my energy level will correct hasn't been enough motivation, I guess. That pill still sounds more promising to me. I wonder why that is?

Travel Plans

2009-10-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am still working towards the US Nationals. It is less than two weeks before I am supposed to depart. I still have found no one to travel with. When I made the decision nationals would be my goal for this year, I thought I had others who would be going as well. The people I was counting on made the decision not to go leaving me either to haul my horses by myself the two thousand miles to Tulsa or finding someone else who might be going to caravan with.

I have never been good at asking others for help. I guess I see this situation as help because I'm not stepping up and searching out people who might be going. I made one attempt with people I know from this state and it wouldn't work for them. I have yet to make another attempt even though time is running out.

I do have a back up plan which involves the trainer I will be stabling with at the horse show. That plan means I would have to travel the whole first day by myself but then I would be able to follow them the next two days. While I'm not crazy about this plan either, it seems to be more comfortable than asking anyone else from here and being turned down again. I'm not sure if I'm cutting off my nose or not...........I guess time will tell.

I keep saying I'm going to call one trainer I really like from up north but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I guess the truth is, I really don't want to make the trip at all. I want to BE at the nationals but I don't want to drive that far by myself in my truck. Travelling along behind someone else will not fix that.

I hate being alone. Yet I spend most of my time that way.........or at least feeling that way. Driving 2/3 of the way across this country by myself will not be just a feeling, it will be the real thing.

Even once I get there I will be alone. The trainer I will be stabled with is just a trainer. I don't really know him for his clients. There will be no security there.

There was a time when I would never have taken such a risk. Now, I wouldn't think of NOT going just because of this aloneness. I am dreading it.........but I won't let it stop me from competing with my horses.

In the meantime this dread affects the preparations for this trip and all the other stuff brewing in my head. I feel like I have lead weights on my feet my forward progress seems so slow. There is also a heaviness in my heart as I struggle with the newest issues in my life.

There is not much joy at the moment. I have to remind myself it will return. Fortunately there are brief glimpses of it when I am working with my horses. That keeps me going while I push on.

Checking In.............

2009-10-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on here I can barely find the time to sort out my thoughts.........and, of course, as go my thoughts so goes my feelings. This roller coaster ride is exhausting, yet familiar. Sometimes the familiar is just easier than taking the road less travelled. Yet I still find myself picking my way through trying to get back to that high road.

Sometimes I find myself thinking it's taking me a while to get through the insult that set this struggle off way back during the Region 4 Championships. Then I realized it's not just that episode but a series of things since then that are keeping me off balance.

Then I tried to figure out if I am being more sensitive now or if maybe things are changing making these insults more noticeable to me. Whichever, I just seem to get myself righted and something more happens leaving me reeling once again.

Through all of this, I've come to the conclusion I am just not meant to be a social person. It IS of my choosing to retreat and protect myself from those who wound me. As long as I do that I will continue to be alone. I need to either accept alone is my choice or I need to find another way to cope than pushing people away.

Yet that thought in itself makes me reel. The pain I feel when betrayed is still so much larger than life. Whether or not I will ever react like "normal" (whatever that might be) is beyond me. Cult programming still triggers physical torture along with the emotional reactions.

No part of me wants to participate in more therapy to free us from that programming. I am firmly entrenched in the belief it would take most of my life to do that. Yet I wonder if that is true, another lie planted by them or just my own fear.

It's not about courage that I avoid this fight. I have plenty of that. For me it is about time.......at my age I am so aware that my time on this earth is limited. I have much I want to do...........more than there is time for. I don't want to give anymore of that valuable time up to those old issues than I must. To me that is part of being free of them............being able to pursue my dream.............instead of continuing to focus on them and what they did.

Even though each day I battle those old messages I continue to make steps forward towards accomplishing my goal. Sometimes I have to break that goal down into much smaller objectives so I can see I am making progress and not succumb to those old messages but that's ok..........just as long as I get there.

So for now I am on a daily roller coaster ride battling the old messages and searching for ways to silence them. There are brief respites from the turmoil but so brief sometimes they're not even a relief, just another jog in the road.

There is a change going on...........but it is subtle. Where exactly it will lead me I do not know. I only know it will be true to me and not to those old messages. The uncertainty of this transitional phase is discomforting. Sometimes I must search for the belief in myself that I WILL get there. It is my only comfort......other than the horses.

I guess right now the fact that money threatens the horses is part of why this journey feels so perilous. The uncertain economy has its effects on everyone in one way or another. I must remind myself it is not personal.

Still Processing.........

2009-09-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm finding this growing lump of bitterness and cynicism growing in me. I've never really spent much time feeling these things. They've always seemed so pointless. I'd just rather not waste my time. Yet, it seems that I'm going to deal with them whether I want to or not.

The harder I struggle, the angrier I become. Putting these things aside is just not coming easy. I don't want them to rule my life. I know time spent on them can be better spent other ways..........more positive things. But the voices keep going back to being wounded for things not our fault. How do I protect myself from these kinds of things or is it even possible to do so? I just can't seem to figure it out.

Then maybe that is the problem..........always wanting to figure things out or have some kind of answer. Does it really matter what others have done that's affected me? Or does it only matter if I let it? Do I go on doing what I'm doing regardless of other's behavior? I just don't know........

For now, I'm working towards getting myself to the US Nationals. The show is in late October. I haven't shown there in 14 years and it's about time I get there again. Maybe I'm hoping focusing on this will get me through.........or maybe I'm just flipping all those naysayers off and proving my point...........they can't stop me..........only I can do that.

Conflicted

2009-09-13T02:51:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of things going on here lately. Between the personal issues and my annual open house for my breeding farm, it's hard to know what's causing this latest turmoil inside my head.

Obviously there IS turmoil or I wouldn't be up in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. I've had a long week and tomorrow is going to be the longest day of them all. Yet here I am typing instead of sleeping.

So what is it that goes through my head keeping me from sleeping? It's impossible to keep my personal life separate from my business. How I interact with people affects everything........and plenty of the drama that has been going on is about "the people" in my life.

Horse people, relatives have all become thrown together in one giant boiling pot. There are no black and white answers (God, how I wish there were!) and I'm struggling finding the answers that will work for me.

I find myself wondering if I have placed my trust in someone who didn't deserve it. Torn between how much I need help and how much I want to run, I'm not finding that middle ground that usually saves me. That right path that can quiet all the voices in the head because I am safe once more.

Instead I find there are more questions than answers. The questions seem to be leading to even more questions. I'm going to have to begin writing them on lists to see if I can find some rhyme or reason to them.

In the meantime I am conflicted. To believe or not to believe, that is the biggest question of all. Have I spent a year believing someone not credible? Is my life turned upside down because the pot has been stirred that entire year? How am I going to find the truth in all of this chaos? Who can I trust? Can I even trust me? Can you see my dilemma?

Getting By.............

2009-09-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

I keep vacillating between wanting to flee and being angry. The anger is probably better for me but it doesn't last long. It is hard to even make sense of this for me. Despite my past I can't seem to grasp that people can be so petty.

Odd, isn't it? I can have experiences so horrendous most don't want to believe they're even possible. I have no trouble grasping that. Yet, I can't get it to sink in that this incident is not about me.

Overcoming that old programming that everything is my fault, that I don't even deserve to take up the valuable air it takes for me to breathe can hang on so tightly. I know in my head that isn't the case and sometimes I know in my heart. But the moment something unfair happens those messages clutch me by the throat and just won't let go.

The self talk it takes to change it gets muffled in the wails of the wounded children inside me. Nothing seems to comfort them. They have again lost hope.

I try to go about my daily business, not succumbing to the urge to quit. Sooner or later I hope belief in myself will return. In the meantime I must deal with these messages in my head. I know staying on top of them is as important as keeping on task towards my dream. I am exhausted...........

Running.............

2009-09-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

I want to thank those who took the time to comment on my last post. I was feeling pretty low (and still am to some degree I guess) and your comments helped to take some of the sting out of this situation.

Actually I was making plans for a little disappearance. I've never really thought specifically about running away before but those thoughts have sure been racing through my mind over the last twenty-four hours. I was surprised to find myself coming up with a plan that my system accepted so easily. Usually there's always some voice or another and sometimes several telling me why a plan just won't work. I'm not even sure what to think knowing there was such unanimous agreement in this kind of situation. I guess it tells me the depth of this hurt.

I've known for a while that this thing I do with horses is the one place I feel particularly vulnerable. However, I've always thought that vulnerability was controllable. The only outside sources I thought could influence it were money and the support of my family. It's awkward at best to find myself in the position that what other people hits any kind of nerve........but boy this thing sure did.

Now I find myself having to reevaluate how I protect myself without really cutting off my nose to spite my face. I know I should not let others have power over me.........and running would be just that. But figuring out how to take back my power is not coming easily. All I'm sure of at this moment is I won't be disappearing anytime soon..........although I may dream about it a time or two...........

Frustrated

2009-08-31T22:43:00.001-07:00

Recently I had a woman looking at a horse I have for sale. It sounded like she was really enamored of this gelding and I thought for sure I would make the sale. Then all of a sudden the woman quit responding to my emails and she didn't show up for her appointment to see the horse.

Tonight I learned she bought another horse. Not a big deal, that kind of stuff happens all the time. What was different about this was I heard that some trainer in Oregon told her something "bad" about me and that's why she quit conversing with me and went elsewhere to buy a horse.

Obviously this is frustrating............maybe more on the verge of maddening. I have worked hard to breed great horses but even harder to be a good person. To have my business undermined by rumor and innuendo is...........I don't know what it is.............but it makes my what to curl up in a ball and just quit. What's the point?

Anniversary

2009-08-30T09:56:00.001-07:00

Friday was our anniversary. As I do every year at this time, I found myself reflecting on this relationship with my husband of now thirty-three years.

It is never an easy time of year for me. I can't help but wonder if I am selling myself short.........settling for less than I deserve........to still be in a relationship with a man who has not done his emotional work. I have come a long way and changed a lot where he has changed little. I have emotional needs he has no desire to fill. He wants to do for me what he thinks I need. He cannot hear what it is I really need.

Yet, on the other side of the coin, I wonder if I don't owe him some loyalty for hanging in through some really difficult times. I am not the woman he married. He never expected this particular journey. How could he have? No one knew what lay under the surfaces of my psyche.

I'm not going to say he was supportive of my journey.........more in denial of it. Yet he paid the bills, took me to appointments if I needed.......even held me sometimes when I cried. He comforted me through some pretty horrendous nightmares..........even if he didn't "hear" what they were about.

He was best with my inner children. He didn't see them as weird or quirky......or if he did, he kept it to himself. He just took them shopping for toys when they needed and protected them. To this day he lives with their toys taking over our bedroom with little of his identity in that room, yet he doesn't expect me to have outgrown them or to move on.

He hung in there through all of the upheavals and he continues to hang in there. I am not an easy person to live with. My expectations are high. Even though I know life can not be perfect, I am always wanting more..........pushing the envelope..........for as much as is possible. I will not accept the status quo in any corner of my life.

Yet, I don't expect those around me to live life on my terms. I respect their choice to live life on their terms, in most circumstances anyway. I do refuse to let my daughter or my husband wallow in self pity because they feel overworked. I push them to see the glass is really half full..........and not half empty. I chose my battles carefully so as not to waste time on things that are important to me and not to them..........but I push.

Usually on our anniversary I am angry.......angry about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, any kind of intimacy really........both emotional and physical. I find it hard to understand how that can be ok with him. I guess in actuality, it really isn't, but it is easier to live with than it is for him to change.

He is content to not know the answers that make him like this. I can't imagine being content with anything less than giving it all you're got. We are definitely two very different people who somehow have managed to be traveling the road together even though our paths are different. This year that seems to be easier for me to grasp. Next year, I may be angry about it again. God only knows............

More on Bruised...........

2009-08-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

Horses are therapy for me. I have immersed myself in them because it keeps me sane. It gives me joy and it makes me feel like I have some control in my life. Horses also have given me confidence and a sense of accomplishment. But the other side of the coin is I'm beginning to realize sometimes I am vulnerable because of it.

In this particular instance, the aftermath has taken a while. I came home from that horse show pretty angry at my now former friend and pretty uncomfortable with the whole situation at that horse show. I have a busy life with all these horses I tried to focus on that and get on with it instead of dwelling on that incident.

Added to this there are the assortment of issues with my daughter and my granddaughter that I've posted about before. Currently my granddaughter is pretty much living at the place where I work most of my horses. Despite the strain in our relationship, I see her almost daily which in itself brings its own set of issues.

Coming back from that horse show shaken to walking on eggshells around my granddaughter has NOT been easy. I had the two issues colliding around together. Still with all of the things in my schedule, I was working hard at focusing on the things I needed to get done. I struggled to hold it together then went off to manage that horse show in the heat.

What I didn't mention when I posted that I had survived that particular horse show was that this now former friend had showed up in the show office there. Her appearance was totally unexpected so I wasn't prepared.

She came into the horse show office and I'm not exactly sure why. It wasn't to say "hello" or if it was, it was said in a rather strange way. She gruffly said, And what are you doing here?" I responded "Managing the horse show. " Then I went straight back to work not wanting to deal with her. But the manner in which she'd addressed me bothered me a bit. I wondered what was she up to since her tone clearly had taken smoothing things over out of the picture.

The following weekend there was an Arabian horse show at the Puyallup Fairgrounds. I didn't attend because I really need to focus on the national show but some of those from "my barn" went. After that horse show, I heard that my behavior had been a source for discussion at that show by some people I know.

One of the things that drives me crazy is the "good ole boys network." The status quo in the Arabian horse industry is for everyone keeps to themselves when they've had problems with a trainer. I refuse to be bound by those old rules, I believe one of the big problems in the industry is people keeping secrets so when I have problems I post about them.

Because I dared to mention the names of a couple of big named handlers and what they did now I am the one being trashed. Not only that but at least one of the people from my own barn thinks that I shouldn't be talking about such things either or at the very least not when I'm thinking about going to nationals.

As if that wasn't enough, Included in this discussion about me, "the crazy woman from Graham" as I've been apparently dubbed, the now former friend added her two cents worth about me as a breeder. She is telling people that I am wrecking the breed by overpopulating with horses by my stallion. And that's only a portion of what she said.

Not that I feel the need to defend myself her but her statement is not only untrue but just not genetically sound. Anyone who knows the numbers of mares that can be bred by a stallion knows that my stallion is a very small fish in a big pond. There are some very popular stallions who breed more mares in one year than my horse has bred in his lifetime. Having horses like mine contributing to the gene pool is very important if the breed is to avoid the issues that could result from limiting the already restricted gene pool.

Despite her ignorance I can't help but wonder what kind of effect her talking is having on my business. Many people listen to such conversations and believe them as true. There is no way to measure the damage being done.
In an already difficult time, this just adds more to the weight I am carrying.

Of course, underneath it all is that message that I don't deserve to be happy......successful...............fulfilled..........to have friends.......you name it. The messages are running rampant and I'm feeling battered and bruised. The fact that it's been ongoing now for nearly a month just adds to that message "it really is me..........."

As my plans to go the the US Nationals to show are crumbling around me, I can't help but wonder will it ever change. Will there ever be a day when I don't fight these messages?

Bruised

2009-08-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start.......at the beginning......when this latest issue seemed to originate or now.....as I find myself reeling in the aftermath. I guess since things seem to build for me and the building itself explains part of the story I probably should go to the first instance that I felt myself shaken. Bear with me, there will be a lot about horses in this.....but I guess that's only understandable since horses are so important to me. It makes sense that is where I'm vulnerable.

It was back at the Region 5 Championships. I ran into a friend in the restrooms. After our usual "hellos" she proceeded to tell me what had happened to her when she'd tried to breed her mare this season.

It sounds like a benign enough conversation and what happened to my friend was indeed a stressful, emotional ordeal to be sure. But if I have to be honest there were warning signs to indicate this situation might not be what it seemed. The fact her horse and her dog ended up in the midst of a seventy horse animal rescue situation might have been avoided if she hadn't been so trusting and done a little research.

Did I say this to my friend.......well, no. She was in enough pain over what had happened I didn't see where my observations would be helpful so I kept them to myself. There would be plenty of time later to talk about my observations.

Then in the course of our conversation, my friend asked me if she could see my new colt there at the show. As we walked to his stall we found ourselves discussing pedigree......probably because his pedigree is part of why I bought this horse. My friend's remark was "I know nothing about pedigrees."

Now breeding is one of those things that requires lots of investigation if you really want it to go well. The pedigree of a horse can have a big effect on the outcome of that mating. If you don't want to have things go wrong....... research is in order. I only mention this because it has bearing on the twist this conversation took.

While looking at my colt, this friend asked me what I was going to do with him. Didn't I already have enough horses? I guess this is the place that I should have realized that this woman really is NOT my friend but I didn't. I proceeded to tell her I had gotten this colt to breed to my Legs daughters.
That's when she really let me have it. She went on about how many horses I own. Asked if I had sold any and basically said I had too many and I shouldn't be breeding anymore. She basically implied that I was responsible for there being so many rescue horses in this country.

Obviously I know her logic is flawed. This is none of her business. And if she really was my friend she wouldn't be attacking me. But that doesn't change the hurt associated with such a betrayal. This woman who indiscriminately bred her mare to a horse she found on the internet because she likes its color and its breed is certainly no expert. She is not a fair judge of whether my horses are adequate or not. And even if she were, it is really my business how many I breed. As long as I am taking proper care of them, it is no one's business but mine. But even at that she implied that maybe I wasn't taking proper care of my horses...........another big slap in the face.

Throughout the course of this conversation I stood up for myself. What I had to say didn't change her mind one bit. Nor did it change mine. I was really pissed off about her insinuations. While the conversation didn't ever digress to yelling or screaming.........it certainly could have. Instead it was a controlled burn.......so to speak. I spoke my piece. She spoke hers and we parted on not good terms.

This instance was just one of several at that particular horse show that had me feeling off balance. Instead of being there relaxing and having fun with my horse I felt I was in enemy territory and there were reward posters hung everywhere. People were out for my hide. It was an uncomfortable situation to be caught in.

Situations like this are when I appreciate being fragmented. I can separate my feelings from what's happening at the time and get myself through without embarrassing myself. It's the aftermath that is hell.

To be continued........

Thoughts............

2009-08-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

The week I was gone to the manage the C-Fair Charity Horse Show was a difficult one. Yet there were aspects of it reminding me that I need to be grateful for what I have.

One of the vendors at the show is still recuperating from chemo-therapy. Even though it's been a couple of years since her treatments ended, her body still has not recuperated from the ravages of her chemo.

Some people think that once chemo is over, the suffering ends. I know from my experience with my daughter, that isn't the case. It took Lindsay years before her body shed all of the toxins that chemotherapy had deposited there. This vendor was having similar issues.

Because of those issues, the person responsible for vendors had allowed her to set her booth right outside the show office. That placed this woman right under my nose most of the show. From the first evening when she had to lay flat out on the ground to keep herself from passing out, I was painfully aware of this woman's presence.

In addition to that during the show, one of our exhibitor's lost her husband. This man was also plagued with cancer. The week before the show he'd been told there was nothing more to be done. His time was limited......yet he insisted his wife go show her horse. My heart was heavy when I heard about her loss.

On the way home from the show, I met Lindsay and Dave at the local Taco Time. Sitting there in the booth, I heard my name. Turning to find the source, I saw a friend of mine. On her head was a baseball cap hiding her hairless head.

Just a few months ago I'd seen this woman with a full head of hair. At that time she was on the other side of her third round of treatments for breast cancer. Seeing her cancer had returned added even more weight to my already heavy heart. I couldn't help but think how lucky I am I have my health. Yet, the fear I will lose this friend anytime soon haunts me.

Of all the things that happened during that week, these are the things that stick in my mind. I can't help but feel for each of these people and their loved ones.

At the same time, I find myself pondering again about the unfairness of life. I don't know that much about the first two people but the third.......that woman is one of my favorite people. She has suffered immensely at the hand of this insidious disease and she's done it with dignity and grace. I so want there to be hope for her.........maybe I want there to be hope for me..........I don't even want to think of a world without her.

Checking In

2009-08-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the horse show and I survived the heat. The exhibitors and horses survived the heat as well so I feel like I really accomplished something although my you know what, b*tt, is really dragging.

It was an interesting week with the extreme heat......and actually it got even hotter than was predicted when I left town. I soaked my head more times than I can count but managed to keep my temperature down, although not always my temper. THAT, I was able to keep under control but it was interesting for me to even see that dynamic in myself. It's probably a good thing that I am dissociative because I doubt that "hot" button would have been controlled if I wasn't.

It was an interesting week with an assortment of tests. I hope to post later but for now, I'm going to head off to the barn and pet on some of my ponies. I sure missed them and, hopefully, a few of them missed me as well. I definitely appreciate when they pout their displeasure at I return.........that's horse lingo for "Where in the heck where YOU?"

Gone

2009-07-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving here in a few minutes to manage a horse show at the Evergreen State Fairgrounds in Monroe. I never look forward to leaving the safety of home but this time I am even more reticent.With temperatures here in the high 90s and expected to stay there all week, I have concerns about how I'm going to fare leaving the safety of my air conditioned home for the hot job, even in winter, of managing a horse show.

Having had heat stroke a couple of times I am more succeptible to issues in the heat. The show office is not air conditioned but I'm taking several large fans hoping moving the air around will help. I've also posted particular times when shavings bales will be available. Other than move-in day when they must be available when needed, I have restricted this job to the early hours of the morning.

I am also taking my small refrigerator and stocking it with healthy snack and lots and lots of water. Hopefully these things will get me through what's going to be a really tough week.

The other thing I hate about leaving is not having a computer. Without access to my blogging buddies I feel cut off from an important source of support. I'll be thinking of you all and hoping Mother Nature is treating you kindly.

Jeopardy

2009-07-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

OK, I must admit, I have not been honest. Something big happened at the Region 4 Championships and it's eating at me. My daughter attacked me. Well, it felt like she attacked me anyway. She spoke to me like I was one of her children. She talked down to me in a scolding voice telling me to "back off." That translates to "shut up."

It was over something that should have not been important to her. I needed help. The help I was looking for had gone for coffee, which had taken almost two hours the day before, so I wanted to get other help not trusting they would get back in time. She was offended that I was not accepting her suggestion they would be back on time so she told me to "knock it off" among other things.

This was amongst all of the people at our barn. My daughter was cooking breakfast in front of the stalls and people were milling around AND scurrying to get two of my horses ready for their classes. The necessary preparations for these horses had not been done ahead of time like they should. I was frantic.

Getting horses into the ring turned out properly is really important to my business. I have struggled with getting people to consider me seriously and putting improperly turned out horses into the ring wasn't going to help at all. I was frantic for good reason.

Yet my daughter chose to dismiss my concerns AND treat me like I was a "stupid child." Not that I believe children are stupid, but my daughter does sometimes. When she is put out with them she treats hers with no respect, just a blatant misuse of her power. After all.........parents have ALL the power............right? Or they should, as far as my daughter things.

I was appalled at her behavior. I was also embarrassed by it. Public humiliations are one of my worst nightmares. They are a big part of my programming. I will go to great lengths to avoid public confrontations. It's necessary for my survival.

Yet here I was with my daughter treating me very disrespectfully in front of a group of people who have come to be important to me. Not only that, it was at a horse show. I know I've posted on here a lot about how important horses are to my survival. Anything threatening what I do with them, really threatens my life. My life was definitely threatened at Region 4. I am just beginning to see the ramifications of that.