My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder

Trust and Loyalty

2010-02-08T17:15:00.000-08:00

It is in difficult times I find myself analyzing what I do. What gets me into the fixes I find myself in? What can I do to ensure I don't keep falling into the same pitfalls? Looking at these things I find myself facing an obvious conclusion, I have issues with trust and loyalty.

You would think with my childhood history of victimization that I wouldn't trust anyone. Yet, that is most definitely not the case. However, once I decide that I will trust a person, I probably tend to trust inappropriately. Instead of letting someone earn trust gradually, I dive in head first and expect that persons values will be like mine because of what I have heard and not necessarily what I see.

Once I have given that kind of trust, I don't give it up easily. Despite warning signs that tell me those values important to me are not really important to the trusted individual, I hang on with a loyalty that is undeserved and get myself burned in the process.

Such misappropriate granting of trust and application of undeserved loyalty are indeed victim behaviors. As much as I would like to say otherwise, I know that is the case. Any therapist worth his/her salt can tell you victims are known for granting trust in this manner and being loyal long after it is appropriate.

I like to believe that I am "healed" from my victimization as a child. I guess in many ways I am but clearly when it comes to these two issues, I have much to learn. Unfortunately, that learning seems to be coming the hard way.

Listening

2010-01-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was on a friend's blog today and she'd asked about goals or resolutions for 2010. I know it's nearly February but it occurred to me there was a goal that would be helpful for me. That would be listening to that inner voice of mine.

That voice seems to keep me out of trouble when I pay attention. When I don't I can end up in trouble clear up to my neck, sometimes even farther. Yet, it's not uncommon for me to tune that voice out particularly when it's telling me about people. Why is that?

For me I think I get caught in wanting to be fair. Fair seems to dictate a lot of things I do. Yet I've found that wanting to be fair seems to set me up to be exploited by others who don't have similar intentions. That inner voice has recognized who those people might be on first impressions. in the interest of "fairness" I have ignored the warnings, built relationships and gotten myself in some not so good situations. I need to fix this.

Trusting that inner voice seems to be more difficult than trusting people who don't deserve to be trusted. I'm not sure why that is. I just know that it is. I assume it is part of human nature. If not that, then some hanger on from old victim behavior. Either way, I would like to be able to put more trust in my inner voice and less in those that it warns me about. Easier said than done.

It's not that I don't hear that voice loud and clear because I do. I just don't heed the warning. When all is said I done, I clearly remember the warning I received in the first place. Yet time after time I disregard that warning and end up realizing I set myself up yet again. I'd like to stop repeating this behavior and move on to healthier things.

What about you? Do you trust your inner voice? Or do you disregard it like me only to find yourself in a mess?

Different People

2010-01-30T11:05:00.001-08:00

I was recently accused of being different people by someone who I had said didn't know me. I guess the response was a way to justify not knowing me in the way in which I was referring. However, it did get me thinking about the conclusions others can draw just because they think they know what being a multiple means.

Funny, those of us who have the diagnosis would like to have such a clear picture of just exactly what that means. The problem is there really is no clear picture. All people diagnosed with MPD or DID are different. That makes having an exact notion of what the diagnosis means or how it presents itself next to impossible.

My answer to this person was that he had not seen different people. Pretty much no one has seen different people for many many years and that was only during the time of my therapy. I can be confident of that because it's pretty much how my system works. Presenting in a detectable way would have gotten me killed back in those days my system was developed so my system was created in such a way as to avoid detection while still protecting me from the abuse I endured.

The thing that struck me with the accusation that I was different people is that it was an easy way to blame me for the this person's behavior. It is one thing to tell a person over and over that you are a friend and another to prove it with one's actions. For me I believe that friendship can be measured by how someone acts when things get tough not what one does when things are smooth. It is easy to point the finger in blame, not so easy to take responsibility for oneself and one's actions to help find a resolution through the rocky times.

I wonder how many people diagnosed with MPD or DID take the blame for other's behavior because they feel guilt about being different. I suspect it is a high number. I hope maybe they can learn the only thing they must take responsibility for is what they do. What others think or feel because of our diagnosis is not our fault even though that finger of blame might be pointed our way.

Feeling guilty about being different is just another one of the traps laid to keep us stuck in victim behavior. I have long shed that old behavior and while I might have spent some time recently doubting myself, I will not be caught back in it. I will stand up for myself no matter how difficult it might get.

What Is This?

2010-01-17T00:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've posted about this or not before, if I have I guess I must need to go down this road again. The last year and a half have been kind of rough around here. I've lost some friends and I feel alienated from a lot of people in the horse community. I'm also having some issues with part of my family.

That may not seem like a big deal but it's affected my sense of well being. I find myself looking over my shoulder and wondering whose saying what about me. It's not a good place to be.

I've tried to look at this and figure out why this is happening. I've been involved in this industry for twenty or so years now and this kind of crab is new to that experience. Why is this all happening now? What has changed? Have I changed?

Well, I think I have changed since this stuff has started happening. That's for sure. But is it a change in me that caused it to happen. I don't think so.

The common thread in all of this is the "source" of this information that has changed how I see those people around me..............from my family members to business associates. These things I have not experienced first hand as much as I have been told about them. All of them have been negative perceptions of me by other people. For example, I've been told "they" call me the crazy lady from Graham.

There have been a couple of experiences that have been first hand but those things might just be explained as a reaction to what they might have been told I said. Just as I have reacted to what I was told. Does that make sense?? In other words, I'm beginning to think that maybe this source has been actively involved in stirring the pot so to speak.

Now I find myself wondering if this information is accurate and if I should really trust it. It has certainly turned my world upside down.

I can only guess why this source has put the effort into making sure I get this information he/she has to share. I hate to assume anything. But it's gotten to the place that I really am not sure that I should trust this source at all. It is possible that these things I have heard are not true or are an exaggeration. Either way, they have been a destructive force in my life. I need to figure out what to do. Who can I trust? And are my new found perceptions valid? What a mess!

I sure could use some help sorting this thing out....................

Sad News

2010-01-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when you think you have all you can handle, life seems to throw something else your way? Realistically if I could answer this question I probably would be rich. The fact is there probably is no rhyme or reason to why things happen they just do.

I guess you can probably tell where I'm going with this. Life has been hard here lately. While I know I'll get through it the struggle is still difficult. I could really use a break.

Instead of that break, I got more bad news. Last Friday when I was taking my first load of horses home, I thought I saw a friend's car following me. The car turned onto my road behind me and then it followed me into my driveway. I knew instantly that something must be up.

As I got out of my truck to open our gates, I wondered what that could possibly be. By the time I walked back to my truck to drive into my yard, my friend's husband was coming towards. NOW I knew it was definitely NOT good. I braced myself for bad news.

Bad news is exactly what I got. My friend, my dear friend is dying. It is just a matter of time. She's been sick with emphysema for years and has been on oxygen but despite that she's done pretty well managing her disease. That is until November when one of her lungs collapsed.

It takes a minimum of three months for a collapsed lung to heal. Until that time the function of that lung is impaired. Having a disease that's already compromised her lung function, this collapse put more strain on her other organs as they struggled to function without adequate oxygen.

Last Monday, my friend had a heart attack. Her heart could not tolerate the additional work it required to get more blood flowing to compensate for the lack of oxygen being taken in by her lungs. The end result was massage damage to her heart.

The doctors did extensive tests and my friend's heart is toast. Only a miracle will save my friend. With both her lungs and her heart compromised it's just a matter of time.

The thought leaves me physically ill. I can't even imagine a world without this friend. She is one of the few if not only people in my life who has never betrayed me.........not in even the least little way. She has been there for me despite the vast differences in our beliefs. She has never expected me to conform to her beliefs as I have never expected her to conform to mine. We've been friends regardless of the chasm that separates us in those differences.

We have some basic things in common. We both love horses. We believe that friends are there for friends. We believe life is more precious than money. We are firm believers in loyalty.

But oh are we worlds apart on other things. She is extremely prejudiced against some races as well as sexual persuasions. I am not. She is very black and white. I gave that up many years ago. She is a fanatical church goer and along with that goes some pretty extreme religious beliefs. And of course, not me. Politically we're on the opposite sides of the fence as well.

We are a strange pair to say the least. We don't see each other often. But we always know the other is there. A person that can be counted on in this day and age is a rare thing, I think. I am not really to give her up.

Zoning Out

2010-01-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

It's finally occurred to me I'm surviving by zoning out. If I'm not working with the horses, then I'm sitting here at the computer playing spider solitaire as the hours slip away. If my eyes get tired or I get distracted, I move onto the television set to continue my existence as a space cadet......lost in some unknown world that's easier than my life at the moment.

I have made the necessary decisions to "cut back" on my horses. I've even listed a couple of those horses on the appropriate sale sites. I've begun the process of getting my website updated. All in an attempt to get the ball rolling and bring my life back to a more manageable point.

The problem is I am mourning each and every step. Giving up on the dream as it is to scale it down to one that is more likely to be attained is just not sitting well within my system. I/we understand all the plausible reasons why this is necessary but accepting it is another issue. Transitions are difficult. That's all there is to it.

I suspect this heaviness will not subside until the "new plan" shows some sign of working. In the meantime zoning out seems to be my protection from the overwhelming feeling that my life is spinning out of control.

It's been a long time since I've been in a place where zoning out was a necessary survival skill. Frankly I was surprised that I still had it in my repertoire.............but here it is like an old friend getting me through.

I might be grateful if it wasn't for the fact that zoned out feeling is a constant reminder of some very difficult times in my life. If I allow myself to reflect on how I feel at all, I find myself being drawn back to places that can only lead to darker places.

I suppose it is tied in with old programming locked away in unhealed cubicles of my psyche. Since I chose not to integrate such recurrences are expected, I guess. I just need to remind myself this is "normal" for me under these circumstances and better days are coming.

In the meantime maybe accepting the zoning out instead of challenging it might be a better solution. I don't seem to get drawn to that hole if I just accept this place I am at as a part of this process of change.

Falling.........

2009-12-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

I have trouble feeling loved. Even though I may be surrounded by people who care for me, I just can't feel it sometimes.

I know that I am responsible for my feelings and that my happiness does not depend upon others. Yet sometimes I just can't avoid going down into that dark pit of loneliness that beckons me.

I've been struggling with a crossroad for quite some time. Trying to figure out whether I settle for the status quo or take the plunge into the unknown seems to bring with it the calling of that abyss. Therefore I find myself teetering on the edge, torn between jumping off or fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

For the longest time pursuing my dream has been the defining answer to this dilemma. Any time the road would get rough I could just latch on to that dream to keep myself from falling.

Life, however, has its own hand in all of this. Despite all my best efforts to keep my dream safe and alive, the current economic times have had their own effect. The dream is in jeopardy.

I am at the end of the road. I cannot maintain without help. The help I thought I had is not happening. I must either adapt the dream to something less than I really want........or I must totally give it up. There is no comfort with either option. Both feel like giving up to me.

I suppose this is the reason for the darkness right now. Being fractured into so many parts makes the resolution of such problems difficult. All the logic in the world will not comfort those parts who feel I'm letting myself down. There is little consolation for the wailing children who feel abandoned once more.

The transition through these changes to my dream will not happen over night. It will be a long process with no foreseeable end in sight. Whether or not the internal process takes as long, I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime I find myself struggling with that old problem of feeling unloved. It is trying to wine and dine me into complacency so it can swallow me up. The holidays have managed to add their own flavor to this mix. I'm hoping getting them behind me will bring some relief. In the meantime I am trying to take one step at a time.

Questions of My Own

2009-12-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

I find myself examining the last year to see what has changed because there has been a change.........a change in me. I'm not going to say I was gloriously happy last year but the world seemed all right to me. Now, it feels like it's no longer a safe place. So how did it get that way? What has happened to change things.

Not that everything was great with my family before that because it wasn't. I was having problems with my daughter and granddaughter. Despite doing what I thought was protecting myself from them, I have continued to be increasingly hurt.

If I'm honest, I have to say there has been a catalyst in this change......a person in my life stirring the pot so to speak. Little pieces of information get dropped my way that are hurtful. Those little pieces have built up into a huge mountain. I feel like I've been discarded by my family.........pretty much all of my family. I don't know if that's real or not..........only that it's how I feel. So do I try to figure it out...........or do I run?

Enough

2009-12-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

I seem to have trouble deciding when enough is enough. I can be unhappy in a situation but keep hanging in there for what seems forever and ever. Nothing changes so I go on being unhappy.

I understand that my happiness is up to me but I get caught up in all kinds of things. Depending on the relationships I can tell myself I need to be loyal or maybe my expectations shouldn't be quite so high. Whatever the reason, I convince myself to continue and the hole just seems to get deeper and deeper.

I can also get caught wondering if somehow it's really all about me. Maybe I don't connect with people because I am so flawed, so damaged by my past that I really will never connect. Maybe the longing I have for a connection is a void that will never be filled because I am too guarded to let anyone in.

Granted really don't let just anyone in. I know I am guarded but I do look for people I can trust. Sometimes I find them.......or I think I have only to let them in to have them hurt me or take advantage of me. This leaves me wondering why it always seems to end up this way.

Maybe I am into "All or Nothing" thinking It certainly feels right now like the whole world is untrustworthy even if I know that isn't really the case. Am I somehow playing into this old way of thinking even if it's not obvious? I guess I don't really know.

I chose to live my life believing "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." is a plausible possibility. Yet double standards seem to be more of the norm. I am beginning to wonder if there really are people out there looking out for anyone but themselves.

Maybe that leads me to thinking I really shouldn't put up with anything more. All I know is I am struggling with more than one relationship where I feel I'm getting less that what I bargained for. Trying to figure out where that line might be is exhausting me.

Do you have trouble deciding when enough is enough?

More on the Fallen..........

2009-12-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the memorial service for the four police officers killed here Thanksgiving weekend. I spent the afternoon watching the event on TV. I even wrote the post on my horse blog about it, a day for the fallen. Just couldn't get myself to write much of anything else.

Today, I had an appointment to get my haircut. My normal route took me right past the location this whole think happened. I wasn't prepared for my reaction as I drove by.

It really is an amazing sight. The entire corner of the property has been taken over by a memorial created by passers by leaving their remembrances. Television doesn't do the magnanimity of it justice. It limits it to a frame. In real life it seems to go on forever. As I rounded the corner it took over my entire view.

Even today there were still people there paying tribute to the fallen officers. People were crying and looking at all the things that have been left. Police officers are there too, standing over it...........guarding it. My heart was breaking.

To be honest, my heart still breaks. You'd think having lived through such evil in my childhood something like this wouldn't shake me. I know about evil in it's most vile form. Yet something about this crime and the one less than a month before it has a hold over me. If police officers cannot feel safe in this world...............how can I?

Forgiveness

2009-12-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

The other day I saw Dr Wayne Dyer on the Bonnie Hunt Show. While this man has written over thirty self-help books, I don't think I've read even one. Not because I don't like his message or anything like that. I guess maybe he began his climb to "self helf guru" fame as I was finishing through the process of remodeling myself. What ever the reason, I've missed him as an expert.

I'm not really sure why I watched him this time. Maybe because Bonnie Hunt began her show with a rather personal discussion about her own life. It's not the kind of fare I'm used to from a host on talk television and I guess that drew me in. Then I hung on to see what Dr Dyer had to say.

He talked about a number of things but the one that stuck out to me was the subject of forgiveness. I know forgiveness is a sore subject for many of survivors of childhood abuse and it's certainly not something that I know much about. I guess that's why the subject struck me the most.

Dr Dyer grew up in an alcoholic family. He said for the longest time he carried around a rage because of it that completely comsumed his life. Not until he let go of that rage, did he get free of the past.

I've been thinking about it since then and I'll probably be thinking about it for a while. My question is "How does one forgive?" Is it something that just happens? A place one works to? Just how does one let go and forgive?

I realized something during this questioning. It's not just that I don't forgive........I don't think I've ever been forgiven. Sure.....I've been forgiven for little trangressions like forgetting the milk or that Lindsay wanted blue instead of pink..........but for anything major. I'm not sure that I've ever been forgiven.

I know my oldest daughter has not forgiven me for what she thinks I did to her as a child. I suspect that my oldest son also has not forgiven me. And obviously I am estranged from my family of origin because they have not forgiven me for not being what they expected. So maybe I'm not good at forgiveness because it's one of life's skills that I've never learned.

I know how to be pissed off and mad at the world (figuritively speaking) because I've been hurt. But when that anger is enough and move on........not so much.

Sunday...............a hard day

2009-11-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a hard day. Four policemen were shot here this morning. While they were not shot near my home, they were shot in an area very familiar to me. So familiar in fact when I saw the location on the news, I knew exactly where this terrible thing had happened.

It has been a little over a month since a police officer was gunned down in Seattle. Now to have this happen makes the world seem very unsafe. I think most people in this state are reeling. I know I'd like to pull the covers over my head and check out for a month or two.

As the day progress more and more information about this shooting is hitting the airways. I guess it must be some kind of need to feel like I have some control that draws me to listen, hoping that they'll catch this person soon. Instead it seems things just keep getting more and more intense.

Then I came to the computer to work on my horse blog. A little escape from the craziness closing in on me only to find very sad news in my email.

A friend of mine lost his battle with cancer last night. I knew this day was inevitable but with the world going crazy loosing one of the good guys has hit me even harder. May he rest in peace.

The Innocence of Black

2009-11-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

The body of a child
Walks to the sacrificial altar.
Robed in the innocence of black
Every movement precisely as choreographed.
Arms outstretched - - Eyes downcast
The monotoned voice of trance
Speaks each deliberate word.

The devil of a child
Gives herself freely in her chains.
This ritual a tribute -
To the honor of her defilement.
The gift bestowed upon her
The loss of her immortal soul.

The soul of a child
Hides beyond their reach.
Robed in the innocence of black
And still bound by their chains
Hidden even from the child.........
The soul of the child waits.

This poem was written 4-28-90 during my therapy process.

Halloween - 2009

2009-11-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this post since I got home from my trip to Tulsa. I knew when I left that I would be gone over Halloween. How that would affect me, I really didn't know but I was willing to go anyway.

Most of the time I was gone I really didn't think much about Halloween either despite the fact that some of the stall decorations had incorporated the usual Halloween type themes. Then there were those candy dishes filled with trick or treat fare but mostly I just tuned it out and went about my business at the show.........which was taking care of my horses.

I don't post about the supernatural side of my abuse often. Mostly that's probably because of my own discomfort. I know that some will think I'm crazy and that's ok but I also know there are those who will believe. The problem really is probably that I would really rather not believe........but I know too much not too.........so it's just easier not to think about it.

It wasn't until late Halloween night that I paused at all to think about this holiday and its effects on me. I was walking up towards the arenas when "it" happened. The problem I've been having is how am I going to explain "it."

Finding the right word to label this supernatural being that swooped by me and then disappeared in the darkness only to be followed by a second and a third. It was over in an instant. I took brief note of it and then went back to what I was doing content in the belief that I was safe despite this attempt to get my attention.

I saw these beings again. It was only my drive home and actually it happened a couple of times. Both instances were in the late late night.....during the witching hour. As these beings swooped down in front of my truck and off into the darkness, their numbers has grown. Now I was encountering dozens of them. Their movements were meant to intimidate me yet I always knew I was safe. The experiences were disturbing to say the least.

I realize my description of these events is scant. It's hard to describe supernatural events in human terms. Then Friday night as I watched Ghost Whisperer I saw a human interpretation of these beings. On the show they called them shadow people. It's not the name that stuck with me but the picture they used to portray them.

While that portrayal was limited by the confines of the human imagination and computer wizardry, the form they used was close to what I experienced. The beings on television had solid lines to their form, the supernatural beings do not. The forms, however, were the same. Their essence is not restricted in that manner. It bleeds off into the world around them.

After these experiences I find myself wondering, "Why now?" It's been a long time sine I worked through this stuff and even longer since I left the cult community. Clearly I am in their radar for something...........or this never would have happened.

Invisible

2009-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

It was the strangest experience being gone for that long and by myself most of the time. I hate being alone and I was resigned to that. However, I just hadn't expected the internal reaction I got from being surrounded by people yet still very much alone.

With nearly two thousand horses at this show there were plenty of people around me. It was hard to go anywhere without bumping into folks. Yet with the focus as intense as it can be at a national horse show , they were pretty involved with doing their own thing. Even those people I knew were mere passing blips on the radar for some kind of human connection. The people I was stabled with were kind but not friendly. My only interactions with them were pretty much at my instigation and brief. It was a solitary and uncomfortable time.

Fortunately I had lots to do. With three horses to care for just the maintenance work could take most of the day. Add in schooling times and unexpected "issues" surrounding the horses and there really wasn't even much time to watch classes.

I had hoped to see more of the national championships. I love watching classes at horse show. However, even that activity is something more enjoyable shared with a friend. When I did get the opportunity I was painfully aware of the difference partaking in this activity by myself.

Cleaning stalls has always been a reflective time for me. I'm not sure in this particular situation that was a good thing. I spent many an hour keenly aware of my discomfort in a time that should have been gratifying. I found myself wondering if this dream as currently interpreted is what I really want after all.

Somewhere near the end of this experience it dawned on me the source of the agony I was experiencing. Even with people everywhere I was feeling invisible.

Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse. However, for me being invisible was a form of punishment. To be ignored in such a manner meant that I was unworthy to be alive......to breathe.........to love. These maybe old messages from a time long past but they still have a dark hold on me. That was clearly evidenced in the emotional roller coaster ride I took on this trip.

Weary Traveller

2009-11-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am finally home. It seems like I've been gone forever when it's only been seventeen days. Regardless, I am exhausted after leaving Tulsa on Sunday morning at 8 am and arriving here at just before noon today. Taking time zones into account that's fifty-eight hours of travel time.

I am safe and the horses are safe. Although I would say that at least some of us are worse for wear due to this experience. Details to follow when I've gotten a chance to sleep.

Lift Off

2009-10-16T23:34:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post to say the count down is over and we have lift off. If that doesn't make any sense to you it translates to I will be leaving in the morning for Tulsa.

Dave is letting me take his laptop so I hope to be doing some posting from Tulsa. It looks like I'll be getting there in about four days. Hopefully I'll get some sleep over that time and it won't take me a week to recuperate from the trip. I'll be checking in when I can........wish me luck..........

Traveling Along..........One Way or Another.........

2009-10-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

While I'm sailing along here trying to get all the last minute stuff done for this trip, I find myself too busy to think about much else. Considering all the things that I've been tortured with lately this is a relief.

I am still worrying about making this trip. I thought I had things figured out but things have changed. The trainer I am going to meet up with is planning on driving straight through. That would be 1700 miles without stopping to sleep. I'm not sure my body can handle that. I may have to find a place to lay over and finish the trip by myself.

I am still hoping someone will magically appear to ride along with me. However, there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. The prospect of doing this alone re enforces the aloneness I feel in the world. "If I was like normal people, I'd have a friend to ride with me" is a pretty strong message.

I was reading a book on DID last night. In it there was mention of the aloneness that those with DID all seem to share. There are times knowing that I'm at least not alone in something would be comforting but right now...........not so much.

I find myself running over in my head what keeps me isolated. The thing that seems to resonate most is that I really don't know how to do it any other way. I am just not comfortable with girl talk, shopping or the like. All of those things that seem to bond women to each other just are not important to me. I am much more familiar with trying to figure out how to survive.

The way that "girl friends" hurt each other over trivial things doesn't look appealing to me much either. Betrayal is betrayal in my book and I either can't or won't give that up. What I want in a relationship is far more intimate than that. I guess I would rather have nothing than settle for less than what I really want......

More Processing...........

2009-10-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

Currently I am just trying to keep focused on nationals. If I can just get there and show my horses maybe something will break loose and I'll get some cash flow going. If not I'll have to deal with that then.

As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.

The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.

The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.

Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.

I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........

More Complications

2009-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

Not long ago Angie, Richard, Dave and I had a meeting. Richard had decided we needed a meeting before we continue our relationship. The need for this meeting had arisen because I had asked a question that Richard had taken differently than I intended.

The questions was "Are we working horses today or not.?" Richard took it that I was accusing him of not doing right by our agreement. While I have felt that he's not been taking care of our business lately, that was not the motivation of that question at the time. It was strictly about my time and deciding how I was spending it that day.

During the course of this meeting it became clear that Angie and Richard have decided that Rachel is a great kid. While that might be true it doesn't change the fact that she does not treat me any differently than her mother does. She is defensive about everything and anything I say to her, making a productive relationship impossible.

Angie was loaded with instances that she saw as me being the problem in my relationship with Rachel. She didn't know what was behind these instances or anything more than what she saw but she still sided with Rachel. After our discussion she saw things differently but I doubt it will change her jumping to conclusions in the future.

She also made the comment that I am supposed to be the adult. Granted she was trying to be helpful but at the same time how helpful can one be taking sides. If she was actively trying to see both sides, I might see her as helpful but it is clear that's not the case.

I explained to Angie how being the adult does not protect me from my feelings being linked with physical torture. I must protect myself if I am to survive and that both Rachel and Colleen are aware that this linking is a problem but fail to consider it in their decisions. They still proceed with things that could have a compromise and not cause me any pain. Yet they are more interested in being in control than working things out.

I really don't believe it is anyone's problem that I have this issue. However, I do believe that if you care for someone, you take their issues into account when it is appropriate. For Rachel and Colleen to ignore their behavior towards me can trigger that physical torture linking seems unfeeling and is the reason I chose to keep my distance from them. Whether or not Angie and Richard really get that I don't know but so far I think not.

Like I said before, I think Richard and Angie both have placed themselves right smack in the middle of the issues with my daughter and my granddaughter. While I have been trying to deal with the external assaults on my business, I have also been trying to wade through this mess in my daily life. I am in this situation five days a week. It affects me both personally and within my business.

If that isn't enough, Angie recently did something I consider to be unethical. She bought something out from underneath me that I really needed and she knew it was intended for me. Still it was something she wanted so she took it knowing full well it had been promised to me.

This betrayal has had a powerful effect on me. I no longer feel safe using their facility at all. Yet, not using it will make things difficult in getting done what I need to with my horses not to mention the fact that I am "supposed" to be there for at least another year. What I'm going to do about this, I"m still trying to get figured out.

That leaves me with not just the issue with them being in the middle with my daughter and granddaughter but there is this other personal betrayal as well. It is no wonder I do not feel safe and my world is feeling like it's turning upside down. A week hasn't gone by since the turmoil started in June when some new twist has not been thrown into the mix. It's no wonder I don't know which way is up or which way I should turn.

More Stuff

2009-10-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen. Before I get into this epiphany, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around for months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen, along with Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.

Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving my daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.

Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.

In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with their friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.

However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. Those issues seem to have become solely "my problem."

As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.

The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of "dead weight" and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.

It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to me like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?

Responsibility

2009-10-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen until then but before I get into what I saw, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around from months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen and Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.

Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving me daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.

Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and got them the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.

In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with the friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.

However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. They seem to have become "my problem."

As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.

The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of that and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.

It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to be like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?

Messes............

2009-10-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm on a blogging roll here. Four posts written in one morning. I thought I'd take advantage of the "flow from my tired brain" while it was here. Once I shift gears and get back to getting ready for my trip, this may all disappear. I didn't want to take any chances and not post what's going on with me.

I am trying to clean up a lot of my messes here before I go. I hate coming home to a house piled in undone chores. Despite cleaning up my own messes, I am sure to come home to plenty of chaos left by Lindsay and Dave while I am gone.

That worries me............not the stuff in the house as much as what might be left undone with my horses. Food and water are essential to their survival but I don't trust Lindsay nor Dave to be diligent. They aren't when I'm here and I have seen evidence that they aren't when I am away. I wish I could count on someone checking up on them. The length of time I will be gone could be critical to a horse not getting water.

Their care is on again off again despite my requests for more diligence. It's hard for me to comprehend this acceptance of mediocrity by my husband and my daughter. I suppose I could chalk Lindsay's up to her brain damage but I am not an enabler. My pushing her past that barrier supplies by her doctors is why she functions as well as she does. I will not stop pushing as long as it gives her a better quality of life.

I guess the same is probably true for Dave. He is his own worst enemy. Like his mother, he can wallow in the horses being too much work, even though he would probably die being a couch potato. The only exercise he does is horse related so I continue to push.

The underlying message here is my dream is dependant upon their help. They say they are committed to helping but that commitment is not consistent. It's hard to leave knowing that's the case.

It's equally hard to continue knowing I am counting on them. I find myself struggling with giving up because of my frustration over the lack of trust I have in either of them. Some days I think I would be better off to sell all of the horses and leave so I can start over somewhere else. Lately those thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.

Blogging...........and Traveling...........and Obstacles

2009-10-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to convince my husband to let me take his laptop on this trip. I thought if I could continue posting on my blogs I wouldn't feel so alone. I also thought it would be easier for me to share what's happening in the hear and now than in the past. My memory isn't what it used to be........and that's ok with me.

There is one thing that's happening while I'm in Tulsa that I'm really looking forward to(besides actually showing my horses) that has to do with blogging. One of my blogging friends is coming to the horse show just to see me. I am looking forward to meeting her and really wishing we could spend more time together than just a couple of hours or so.

This online friend quit blogging almost a year ago. I have really missed her yet I've felt connected to her none the less. I've none, despite her silence, she would be there if I really needed her. There has been comfort in that. Now I'm finding comfort in the thought she will be there in Tulsa. She's going to help me find the places I will need to survive will I am there.

Survive probably sounds like a strong term for such things as a laundromat and grocery store. However, I am going to this event the cheapest way possible. I will be sleeping in my horse trailer and eating mostly what I can throw together for myself. I have a cooler and small refrigerator and will take non perishables with me. I will need fresh foods, ice and, of course, clean clothes to get me through the twelve days I am actually in Tulsa.

For me going places I am unfamiliar with can be crippling. I know myself well enough to know despite how bad I might need clean clothes and/or fresh food and ice it could be nearly impossible to get me off the horse show facility if I don't know where I am going. The fear of being lost far outweighs minor things like eating...........

Funny how those old messages can be so strong. Yet I can get myself to travel two thousand miles across unknown territory but won't be able to get myself those few blocks or so to find what I need once I am there. My friend locating those places for me ahead of time will help me get through those messages to what I need.

My biggest obstacle will be getting my clothes washed. I wish I had enough clothes to not have to sit around at a laundromat waiting alone for my clothes to wash and dry. I actually found enough pairs of old jeans I could get by but it is underwear and socks that are my biggest problem. I think I'm still holding out for the possibility of picking up enough to eliminate that need.

The grocery store will probably be easier to get myself to. I can do what I need and head back to where I feel more comfortable. I will work on a routine to accomplish this task that should help. Hopefully the actual store will be close to the horse facility. Distance could put a crimp in my plans.

Normally, I don't think much about my fear of venturing out. I can stay focused on the horses and do what I need. Dave takes care of these other necessary trips for me. I can't even tell you when I was last in a grocery store..........oh, yes I can, it was while I was at a horse show. .........so what the time before than.............and so on. I guess a grocery store two thousand miles from home shouldn't be so intimidating.

Hopes........Fears...........and Sugar..............

2009-10-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am hoping I will sell a horse at nationals........not just any horse, but one of those I am taking. However, I think there is not much chance of that. I am not happy with her condition at the moment and I think she must look like a super star to have any chance of selling but I'm still going to try. We'll see where it goes.

The odds are I will get the opportunity to sell either of the other two horses I am taking before the filly. The only problem with that is those two horses are cornerstones in my dream..........selling either of them will be selling myself out.

This dilemma only adds to the heaviness I feel. It's no wonder I feel bogged down with the weight of my dream crashing down on me. I work to see beyond my worst fears looking for the light at the end of this tunnel, hoping there is still some chance for my dream to survive.

The events of the last few months have added to this heaviness. Not just because they have messed with my head but because they have an effect on the outcome of my dream. I'm seeing a bigger obstacle to my success than I ever imagined before. I'm not sure if this obstacle is real.........or merely perceived. That is part of the struggle.

If it is real, I'm not sure that I can hold on financially long enough to overcome it. That's part of this new weight I feel. A part of me keeps saying that I'm tough and I will make it no matter what..............another part is concerned with being a bit more practical.........cutting my losses and saving my ass before I get into something more devastating. And, of course, there are many more arguments in between.

Finding a path through all of this is exhausting. I think that exhaustion is what's getting the best of me. Having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other carries its own emotional weight. Sometimes I wish I could just pop some pill to get me moving.........but I know better.

I struggle with fixing my diet to see if that will help. OH! but I love my sugar..........that's probably my biggest problem. Getting off of sugar is something I have not been able to accomplish. Changing my diet over to only healthy foods to see if my energy level will correct hasn't been enough motivation, I guess. That pill still sounds more promising to me. I wonder why that is?