My Commitment to Me

A New Take on Failure

2013-06-17T16:52:00.001-07:00

Wow, what an incredible weekend of learning in Seattle. I just got back last night (well early this morning around 2AM) from my third weekend for the leadership program I have been taking with Landmark. A big conversation over the weekend was that of failure. The question being where do you hold yourself as a failure? Not like "i'm a failure at putting away the dishes" more like "i'm a failure as a wife" or something of that nature. I'm asserting that we all have this conversation in our head, about where we are failures and it is so dis-empowering!

My "failure list" consisted of the following:
-I am a failure at marriage
-I am a failure at pregnancy
-I am a failure at weight loss
-I am a failure at business
-I am a failure in my career
-I am a failure at finances
-I am a failure in conversations
-I am a failure at integrity
-I am a failure as an ambassador
-I am a failure as a daughter

I'm sure if I sat down and thought for longer than a few minutes I could have concocted a whole bunch more but this was my starting point. So looking at this list had me feel pretty crappy with myself, look at all these things I have failed at! Then something happened in this conversation on failure....We were asked to read our list out loud, then we were asked to read the list again but just read the words, not the "I am a failure at" part. What I got was that these are all things I am committed to, these are all areas of my life where I am committed and dedicated to elevating my performance and effectiveness. What I also got was when you hold yourself as a failure in these areas you get to not be responsible AT ALL. When I say "I am a failure at weight loss" because I haven't been losing weight what i'm really doing is not holding myself accountable for my actions. By being a failure it means I am no longer responsible for the outcome. In reality I am not a failure, I have simply failed at taking certain actions - there is a difference.

What I got present to this weekend is that failure actually has nothing to do with who I am, it is totally disconnected in fact from who I am. I failed at taking actions, but the powerful Bri is not a failure. So what am I committed to now? Re-tacking my health, being responsible and not a failure! What is now available for me to do is re-introduce more intense exercise again, trust my knee to last and eat 100% clean - no excuses. Ask yourself, where have you held yourself as a failure...then ask yourself am I avoiding being responsible for the outcome of this area of life? If the answer is yes, then take on empowering yourself to be responsible in that area, you will be amazed at what comes from that.

"I failed my way to success". Thomas Edison

Presencing Your WHY

2013-06-11T22:32:00.001-07:00

Tonight I got really present to how blessed I am to be given the opportunity to contribute to peoples lives. I led a session I created called Presencing Your WHY for Biggest Winners at BDHQ. First, being creative is something that has previously occurred very difficult for me. I had it like i'm not creative, I can only follow structure, and that people who don't follow structures are unprepared. Tonight I decided I was simply going to BE creative and go where my heart and my mind led me. I asked questions, got to the heart of the matter, and made a difference. Knowing that people walk away looking at things in a new way haves me left feeling like a true contribution.

I realize its been several weeks since I've posted any update on my life and where i'm at and for the people who read my blog consistently I apologize for my absence. I could give a whole bunch of reasons and excuses as to why I stopped writing, but they don't matter. Really, I just haven't made the time, I haven't made it a priority and in the process I have not been living the life I designed which is empowering people in their health. I want you to know that I am back, back to being vulnerable, back to sharing, and up to some big things in my life.

What really happened was I got up in front of 200 people and shared my story and it was terrifying and exciting at the same time, and then it was freeing. Then what happened was at the same time of being totally free from the anxiety this new fear crept in, this voice that said "don't get too big Bri, people aren't really interested" and slowly I started to withdraw, stopped sharing, hoped that people wouldn't notice my absence...the funny thing is they did....the even funnier thing is I was surprised at that!! So what did I learn about all of that? Well, when i'm willing to be a BIG person meaning sharing myself authentically and making a difference that I actually DO make a difference for people. Thank you to everyone who continues to support me on this journey of learning and creating the new Bri, I am the blessed one.

The Kaukinen 100

2013-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

Time for another success story!! I am so excited to share an amazing couple's transformation which is still happening day by day. My friends and fellow Biggest Winner participants Jon and Rebecca Kaukinen inspire me with their dedication to their family, their marriage and their health. I'm sure you will all be blown away by their results.

Here is the lovely couple before

And here they are now

And this is their story:

How much weight have both of you lost?
Jon has lost 65 pounds and Rebecca has lost 42-45 - over 100 pounds together!

When did you start your weight loss journeys?
Rebecca: I started this most recent (and most successful ever) weight loss journey at the end of June last year.
Jon: I started October 1 last year.

Does it make it easier/harder to do it together as a couple?
Jon: I think easier. I've never done it by myself but seeing how hard it was when Rebecca did it by herself, it must be easier.
Rebecca: I think Jon must be referencing the time he made me hold his Pringles chip container for him while he was driving the truck and trailer - I not only had to hold the chips but smell them! Talk about temptation! Seriously though, it is definitely easier. Jon is willing to eat most of the same food I eat so that simplifies meals. There are fewer temptations in the house (and on road trips!) and that is helpful. Jon is losing weight so fast - he makes it look so much easier than it is for me! Although that can be hard, it is also motivating for me - I have to work hard to keep up! Another challenge is childcare! It is definitely hard to get all our workouts in, but I think we are making it work. After all, we are doing this for our kids - what better motivation is that?

What do you do to prepare for your week as a busy family?
Jon: I watch Rebecca put away all the groceries.
Rebecca: Jon does more than just that - he is in charge of hard-boiling the eggs for the week while I do the rest of the food prep. Hmmmm seeing this in print illustrates the need for change in our division of labour :). Actually, he often makes us fresh salsa too Now it seems balanced, right? :) Jon is actually in charge of breakfast and I make all our snacks, as well as lunch for the kids and myself. I usually make dinner during the week since I'm home first (and I like more variety to our meals than Jon). If I don't, Jon's fallback is tacos (chicken or pork on corn tortillas). We usually schedule our workouts for the week on Sundays. I also meal plan (with input from Jon and the kids), grocery shop and meal prep. I often make soup and freeze it in freezer bags so the main part of my lunch is ready to go.

What do you do when one of you gets stuck or frustrated?
Rebecca: When Jon makes up his mind to do something, there is no changing it. He makes this seem easy. When I get frustrated, I often talk to one of the other BWs - which helps! Just to share what I'm struggling with, and know they have probably been in that same spot before, is very helpful. I also try to remember how far I've come. And I look at what I can change - do I need to change how I'm eating or get more workouts in or drink more water?

What was your Aha! moment that had you to begin this journey?
Jon: I knew it would be easier for Beck if I did BWs with her. Maybe it was also the challenge to see how much weight I could lose and see if I could stick with it.

What is the biggest transformation in your family, non weight related?
Our kids keep telling our secrets at daycare: "Dad is cutting back on chips." "Mom doesn't eat sugar anymore." We are all eating healthier.
Making time for all the workouts means that we have to make choices in how we spend our family time and struggle to balance all the things we want to do.

What is your favorite healthy date and/or family activity?
All our dates are now workout dates! We can't afford a babysitter for workouts AND regular dates too! :)
As a family, Jon loves when we do the Drill together on Saturday at B2 and the kids go to FitKids. We go out for a healthy breakfast after all together. Rebecca loves hiking with the kids and running behind them while they ride their bikes (okay, I don't love running but I'm happy that I can slowly jog behind them! :).
It is exciting to see how much our lives have changed in this last year. Thank you BDHQ and the BWs! We can't wait to see ourselves another year from now!

Jon & Rebecca - KUDOS and CONGRATS on your amazing transformations and continual dedication to having a healthy family. You both inspire me daily with your energy and commitment.

Open to Incredible Contribution

2013-04-16T12:57:00.001-07:00

In the middle of a medicine induced coma I am catching up on my writing. What I had planned on writing about was my trip with Nicki last week to see Jillian Michaels but what I want to share is more present for me right now, so JM will need to wait.

Last Wednesday I was driving home, after 10 o'clock at night, exhausted, hadn't slept and hadn't eat and I just sat in my car and sobbed, uncontrollably. Feeling confronted, alone, scared, and like I am unable to do anything. Alot of it had to do the fact that I had not ate, and the rest had to do with the bottom line that I was putting my needs second to everyone else in my life and I was putting them second to needing to prove that I was good enough to do it all. I went to bed, up the next morning for work, and then again off after work for some homework for my program. Facing this homework created the most extreme emotional breakdown I have had in a long time. I am grateful for the people who were there and just listened.

The exercise consisted of looking in the mirror and being excited for yourself, telling yourself you are amazing and worth it. Mirror work has been around for a long time, but I had never done it. As I stood there looking in the mirror at myself i'm thinking "there is nothing to be excited for here". I resisted the whole exercise which took over 30 minutes, and hated every single minute of it. More tears, more tears, fast-forward to Saturday and I am having a conversation with one of my coaches about what happened. What I distinguished was that my whole identity was based on me not being good enough and that I had to hold onto that very tight in order to survive from a young age. I really really got that I was being someone who wasn't worth excitement or acknowledgment. I got that I was really good at acknowledging other people. I got that I love to be everyone's cheerleader, but in the process I am not my own cheerleader. I got that by not actually being someone who takes acknowledgment like FOR REAL takes it I do not allow room for people around me to be ok with having them be acknowledged. I was present to all of this, and at the same time overcome with so much emotion. I created a new possibility for my life on Sunday though. The possibility I invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being open to incredible contribution. I had thought at first that I wanted the possibility of being a contribution but I now understand that I am a contribution already, I need to allow other's to contribute to me.

So from Sunday afternoon I have been living through the lense of accepting acknowledgement and I was so honored to get up in front of probably 300 people and take a thank you for what I had done for someone. It is amazing when you open yourself up to seeing things in a different light what can actually be available for you. I'm not saying it's easy for me to accept acknowledgement overnight, it's still a work in progress, but inside of my possibility of being open to incredible contribution each day I am taking a step to move me closer to that simply being the way I am. Being simply open to it, this morning I received a facebook message from my sister-in-law which simply said "This reminds me of you: “I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a "transformer" in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.” - Stephen R. Covey". In the spirit of my new way of being, thank you Mary you made a real difference in my day.

Ucluelet Adventure

2013-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I am sitting down at my home computer to reflect on my last few days. On Sunday I got home from a wonderful weekend away with some amazing women. After talking about having a weekend away, Raeleen mentioned a lovely spot in Ucluelet that she goes to and the planner in me kicked in. Date picked, location booked, spa day planned. The location was absolutely beautiful, the house was right on the beach with a breath taking view. There was even a hot tub on the deck, turned into more of a "warm" tub however.

Bethany, Raeleen, Jaylene and I arrived first and got ourselves some wine and in the tub. A few hours later the rest of our crew (Nicki, Rebecca, Lisa and Elizabeth) joined us after a long after work drive from Victoria. I could go on and on about the laughs, memories and connections over the weekend but I think the pictures do it more justice.

A windy walk on the Wild Pacific Trail

A day at the spa

A run on the beach

Group photo opportunity

Followed by a relaxing drive down island stopping at some for some more photos

I am so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. I would like to share who they are for me.

Nicki is someone who represents complete confidence, so sure of who she is and what is important to her. Always stood for me stretching myself to my limits.
Bethany is someone who is completely dedicated to her health, so strong!
Raeleen is someone who listens for what is important and can relate to me on a deep level.
Lisa is someone who cares so much that everyone is taken care of.
Elizabeth is someone who is a stand for her family and taking care of the people in her life.
Rebecca is someone who is caring, compassionate and super funny.
Jaylene is someone who is creative and willing to take risks.

My list could go on and on, thank you for the lovely weekend ladies and for your continued friendship and support of my crazy ventures in this world.

I Will NEVER be the Same Human

2013-03-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had that experience where you do something that terrifies you and you come out on the other side a completely different person? Maybe it is conquering your fear of heights or having a conversation you should have had years ago. The experience of actually knowing you will never be the same human being ever again is something you can't even explain. That experience was what this last Tuesday was for me.

In my last post I talked about being invited to share my story at Sole Sisters and taking on that challenge. On Tuesday I fulfilled on that talk beyond my own expectations. It was an experience I am incredibly proud of, something that I know that I would never have done before, something that proves just how far I have really come. Leading up to Tuesday my stomach was in knots, my head was spinning and I had written absolutely nothing. Me - the planner - NOTHING written! I was planning on just getting up there and sharing, and then the thought of having no idea what I was going to say became too overwhelming that I decided I was going to write in anyway. I wrote the whole thing the day before my speech AND in comparing the written to the spoken they are completely different. On Tuesday I stood up in front of nearly 200 people that I had never met in my life (with the exception of a couple people) and shared my personal experience, I really shared my heart and laid it all out there. I was connected with 200 people, and receiving the acknowledgment was simply incredible. Being told that I brought goosebumps to peoples arms is mind blowing to me. Me changing live? i'm not that "big" of a person, so I thought, but I really am...I REALLY can make a difference in this world and that is what I got on Tuesday. Big thank you to Bethany for coming as my support - you don't even know the difference you made in my life that night so thank you. For those that missed the video, it is of coarse recorded.

So what is next is the big question? Whatever the world holds!! Right now I am working on a project to create the next Journey to Balance event which is scheduled for May 26th (afternoon) at Esquimalt Rec - save the date! Big things to come for this girl.

Yes Woman

2013-03-21T07:27:00.003-07:00

!!!!YES!!!!!

That word has propelled me through this journey, it has put me on some amazing paths where I had to trust and learn to be with me. Now I say yes ALOT, actually I make it a point to say yes whenever possible because I know what can open up for me when I take risks. So in this space a couple weeks ago I went for my chiropractor appointment. My chiro has been trying to get me to come share my experience at a run club she is part of called Sole Sisters. In my epic wisdom this time I said "sure i'm willing to take this on"...I'm thinking I talk to 30 Biggest Winners at a time what's the difference? A couple days later I receive a call from the leader of the Sole Sisters to confirm the details of the speech. 20 minutes later, all the details worked out, I ask a question to confirm how many people she was expecting. The answer TWO HUNDRED!!! I think I must have sounded slightly scared in my response given she said "ummm is that ok?". As I was gathering my response I reminded myself of my stand, that everyone I touch is empowered to take on their life. Inside of that, my response was "YES, no problem, I can take that on"

Instantly after hanging up the phone though my gut started churning, I was thinking what have I agreed to do? Me, 200 people?? i'm not that "big" i'm not important enough to do that. That conversation hasn't gone away, and in spite of it, I am putting the conversation and the thoughts to the side and doing it anyway. In spite of a conversation going on in my head I am seeing past that to what is bigger than me, the people I can impact.

So what did I learn? Well, perhaps sometimes I should ask more questions before I agree to things....AND say yes anyway, in spite of what you think is logical, in the face of being afraid do it anyway. I've done a LOT of scary things these last twelve months, what is 200 people in the grand scheme of things?? My intention, speak from my heart, share my experiences and stand for every person who is listening to see themselves in something I say.

Standing For Transformation

2013-03-05T21:10:00.001-08:00

Seriously I think I just blinked an an entire month went by!! Since I last posted I am proud to say that I delivered two successful workshops. My first workshop with Freedom Within Coaching was mid-February. Sarah and I co-led a workshop on what stops people from having what they want. Our new business, Freedom Within Coaching, is designed to coach people who struggle with significant weight to lose. I am a stand in this world and in my life that everyone I touch is personally empowered in some way to make positive and healthy changes in their lives. We had five people at our workshop and the feedback we received was simply amazing. I had to really put aside my stories of "not good enough" and allow myself to be present to the power that words can have, the power that I can have. What I got really present to in that workshop was how much I still doubted my ability to do it, and what I got even more was that was all a story in my own head. This was the first workshop I was involved in where people were paying me money to be there, that's kind of scary - ok let's be real it's really scary. What I realized though was I had delivered several workshops for BDHQ and didn't have this value piece attached, because I did it for free, but then I got that the people who were attending those workshops still expected a value for their time - regardless if they were paying me or not. Basically what i'm saying is that I had to give up an expectation that I was to be perfect and just be me. The result was amazing feedback and personal empowerment for me leading into the next BDHQ workshop.

The second workshop I just led was for Biggest Winners at BDHQ called "What Makes You Beautiful". I went into the workshop with a different mind set than before, I knew that I was the only one putting expectations of perfection on myself and I let that go. I was authentically and honestly me, shared what was important and empowered the participants to do the same. Thank you to the people who were there, you all made a difference in my life as you do every day. I still have the worksheet on the wall and read it every day.

So what's next? What does March hold? We'll im off to Seattle on Friday for my first weekend for the The Introduction Leaders Program with Landmark Education (update to come); a planning meeting for the upcoming Journey to Balance event happening May 26th (mark your calendars) in which I just agreed to moderate the panel *gulp; another amazing Body Love workshop put on by my friend Tara of Big Life Coaching, happening March 16th (spots still available). I'm sure there's more, that's all I can think of right now, I may need to add in some ME time in there somewhere.

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe."
- Anatole France

Loving Yourself

2013-02-09T11:51:00.001-08:00

In Biggest Winners, February has been named the month of Self-Love. For me I have been on a journey of self-love for the last year, creating what my life is for and reminding myself daily that I am worth the effort. That's really what self-love is about to me, putting yourself first, taking care of what matters so that you can be there for others. So often in this society we get caught up on what other people need or what other people think and that impacts how we live our lives. What if right now you chose to let that go? What if from this moment on you chose to follow your own heart and let go of what other people think of you or what your choices are? What would be possible for you? To be honest I didn't really see this before, I didn't see how letting that go could do anything for me. But in practicing this, practicing not letting other's opinions negatively impact me, I have come to a place where I can honestly say I let it go. Sure I still see the opinions and hear them, people are going to talk about you - it's inevitable, especially when you are going against the norm. But who does that really impact? Who does that reflect on? Not you, not if you are really living your life the way that matters to you and taking care of yourself.

So I challenge you, just for one day, notice when those thoughts come into your head that are stopping you from doing what you want. Is that thought stopping you because you are worried about external opinions? If so, the challenge is to do it anyway! Maybe this means sharing your opinion on something that could be outside of what the conversation is, or maybe just speaking up for yourself and what you need. Some people may confuse this with being selfish, but it's not, this is about ensuring you are being the best version of you that you can be. So if what you need today is to take a bath or read a book but your kids are screeming at you and your spouse needsyour attention what do you do? I'm not saying walk away and take a bath, talk to your kids talk to your spouse work out what's going on and say "What I need is to make time today for a bath, I'm going to do this at X time today". All you're doing is scheduling in your YOU time, nothing wrong with that. Your spouse and your kids need you in that moment, that's fine, and in that moment you also need to say what you are commiting to later in the day. Everyone gets what they want. Really whatever this looks like in your life this is the challenge, take on making yourself a priority. Whose in? What are you going to do today to love yourself?

"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher

Giving It Up

2013-02-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple weeks I've been working on giving up. Yes you read that right, giving up, that is giving up on my story in my head. The story goes like this "You can't do this, who do you think you are, you aren't important enough". That story has stopped me dead in my tracks so many times I can't even list them all. That story stopped me from losing weight for many years because I honestly believed I couldn't do it. Well I crushed that story, it no longer exists for me in the world of weight loss; however, it does still exist for me in other areas of my life. Specifically in the area of leadership. This story has come up daily for me over the last few weeks, specifically because I am living a life where I have created areas for me to be a leader.

My first paid workshop with Freedom Within Coaching is coming up on February 17th and we already have several people signed up. I am committed that each person takes something away from this workshop. In that commitment my story of "I can't do this" keeps coming up and I keep repeating "I can do this, I am empowering". One thought, one action, one feeling at a time I am crushing this story. If I allow that story to take over, then I won't fulfill on my commitment that everyone takes something away.

I recognize it's all about me putting aside my story to live a life where I can fulfill on what I want to bring to this world. Setting fear aside and doing it in spite of fear, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I also recognize that this story may not ever go away, and that's ok, but it's all about recognizing it and not allowing it to run my life. I am NOT my story.

What's the story that's been running your life? What are you committed to giving up? What will this make possible for you?

Where did January go?

2013-02-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

Wow, for the first time in awhile i'm alone with time to think and write. This is weird, for the last month I have been incredibly immersed in living through my possibility of being an empowering leader. So much has shown up for me when I let it. I think the easiest way for me to share these accomplishments with all of you is to just tell you, bare with me the list is long :)

-spoke my mind in more than one instance where I would not have in the past
-led two amazing workshops for Biggest Winners
-started a coaching business with my good friend Sarah, Freedom Within Coaching
-attended Body Love in Vancouver
-started preparing for my first "paid" workshop on February 17th
-applied for the introductory leader program with Landmark Education and was accepted
-offered a change in workload and took it on
-started focusing on my running again
-was voted one of the top 9 success stories for Tosca Reno's The Eat Clean Diet
-said no when I meant no, instead of yes when I meant no
-completed a 1KM swim in 23 minutes, my best time yet

These are all things i'm incredibly proud of. 2012 for me was about finding out who I was, cleaning up those areas of my life that weren't working and deciding who I wanted to be for this world. 2013 is about living into that purpose and I think I've started off with a bang. I'm excited to see what February will bring for me, not sure what can top all of this.

New Year New Session New Focus

2013-01-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

Today was day one of another Biggest Winners Session. I do love a fresh session, there's just something about a brand new book. First day of school you get those fresh unmarked pages, and then about 2 weeks later they look - well you know...the writing got worse every day :). It's funny how it's like a fresh start with a new book and a new session, but really we get that fresh start every single day.

We talked about the spiral that happens with healthy living, an upwards or downwards spiral depending on the circumstance. One thing leads to another leads to another, 5 minutes later you've eaten half the peanut butter jar, 5 hours later the wine comes out and the next day more sugar. Before you know it it's been three day's and you're completely derailed, or perhaps in my case an entire month. The same can work in reverse with creating an upwards spiral. What about the possibility that you have an amazing, on track, day followed by another and another. We all KNOW that we feel amazing when we workout and eat clean. We all KNOW we feel crappy when we skip our workouts and go off track with eating. So since we all KNOW this why do we keep going off track? The unanswered question, the answer will be different for everyone. For me I know the sabotage comes from an internal struggle between wanting to get to my goal weight (that magic number) and wanting to not focus on the number at all (just be normal).

My commitments for this week are as follows:
1. 100% on track with nutritional guidelines including writing down everything that enters my mouth, no excuses
2. No eating after 8PM
3. 4L of water
4. 6 workouts (Sunday - BW, Monday - BW, Tuesday - Swim, Wednesday - Burnout, Thursday - Cardio Burnout, Saturday - Run)
5. Physio exercises every day

I spent two hours and prepped all my veggies (cut & packaged) and proteins for the week. I made a quinoa salad with some lovely infused olive oil from Olive the Senses, had it for dinner - so lovely, I will defiantly have to go back and check out their other flavors.

I feel in control of my week by just spending those extra two hours and am getting it done this week. What are your intentions this week? What will you do to move closer to your goals?

December Frenzy

2012-12-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

Coming in for a landing....wow the last two weeks have just flown by. Normally I am pretty organized when it comes to Christmas and this time of year but this year I was one of those "last minute shoppers". I worked myself up into a state of stress and just pushed it to the back of my head and "avoided" until I really couldn't avoid anymore. With a little help from a friend I did what I know works when I get overwhelmed. I made a list of everything I needed to do to reach my shopping goal and I did ALL my Christmas shopping in 2 hours, and even most of it during my work day. I realized it's all the same, weight loss, stress, lifestyle, whatever were "worked up" about. Take a step back and evaluate the steps needed to get to the end and it all makes so much more sense.

I had one of the most amazing Christmas's this year. Really it wasn't different than any other year, but it was my outlook on the season that changed. Over these last few months I have completely transformed the way I interact with people. I let go of taking on other peoples "things"; I let go of creating meaning out of other people's actions. Really I have just been more at peace with myself and thus there is no space for negativity to enter. There were no fights, just fun. John and I had our first ever open house at our condo. In past, I would have been concerned about the people who didn't come, or about the people who said they would but didn't. In the past I may have made a story out of that and made it mean that they didn't like me. This year, with letting that all go, we just had a really fun time and a packed house.

The other reason I could say Christmas was so special was that John surprised me with my gift, I started crying. I really wanted to go see Oprah - who is coming to Vancouver on January 24th to speak - but the tickets were so expensive and I didn't have anyone to go with. He completely surprised me and bought me a ticket right next to my amazing friend Sarah.

I'm beyond excited to enter 2013 and continue to create my life centered around impacting people's health and well being. I am continuing on as a Biggest Winners ambassador and standing for every person seeing success in the program. I am finishing my book and publishing it in 2013. Im also working on creating workshops and a coaching program. I'm on the path to truly live the life I love.

Transformation of the Month: Susie Bowles

2012-12-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

This month's transformation is dedicated to Susie who has had an amazing transformation and isn't even done yet.

This is Susie before...299.6 pounds

and this is Susie now...186 pounds

And here is Susie's story...

I feel like I should give a little bit of background on my story to put this into context. I’m in my last year at UVic, taking the Elementary Education Program. When Bri asked if I’d be willing to share my story on her blog I was so honored. My best friend sent me a link to her blog in the summer and within two weeks of reading it, I had signed up for the Biggest Winner's program. It’s changed my life in so many wonderful ways and I was giddy thinking that I would be on the blog that inspired me to join the program. After I started actually writing however, the feeling of awe was replaced by dread when I started debating how much I should or shouldn't reveal about myself. I thought for a long time about it, but eventually decided that I would be up front and honest. I’m not ashamed of my past anymore, and maybe telling my story will help another person. My story is that I am a binge eater that hides food, which got me to 300 pounds. I was sexually abused as a child and I unintentionally let that control my life up until a year ago. I say unintentionally because I buried the memories long ago. It wasn't until I started asking myself why I regained all the weight I had previously lost that the memories came back and I’ve been able to start the healing process. I’m not entirely comfortable with the world knowing about my abuse because while it is a part of me, it doesn’t define me or my weight loss journey, it is merely a part of it. But at the same time, not talking about my abuse led me to where I was 15 months ago. Added to that, it bothers me to no end that child sexual abuse seems to be a taboo subject when it happens so scarily often. Opening up about it now will, I hope, have the triple benefit of furthering my own healing, perhaps helping someone else with their own, and bringing the issue of child abuse up from under the table.

When did you start your weight loss journey?
My desire to finally do something with my weight started towards the end of high school because I didn’t want to be the “Fat Girl” during university. My best friend and I joined Curves and were pretty faithful for a month or so. It didn’t stick though and by the end of my first year at UVic I was over 300 pounds. My highest recorded weight on a scale is 299.6 but I had already been eating healthy for a few weeks when I weighed in. That’s when I started Weight Watchers and Curves as a combo the first time, and lost 60 pounds. I say “first time” because like many others, I didn’t put in a lot of emotional work and eventually regained it all, plus 10 pounds. I could count my points and exercise all I wanted, but it couldn’t be the “lifestyle change” I preached until I dealt with what was going on in my head. I decided to take back control of my health again in May 2011 and haven’t looked back since.

How long have you struggled with weight?
I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. I always had a little bit of chub as a kid, but I was fairly active. It wasn’t until grade 2 that I really started packing on the pounds. By the time I was in grade 8, I remember coming up with excuses to get out of shopping with friends because I didn’t want anyone to know that I had to shop in plus size stores. It’s taken me the better part of this past year to really dive into why I struggled with my weight. When my best friend put two and two together and saw that my major weight gain corresponded with when my abuse started, that’s when things got really serious for me. I’ve come to realize that I first started using food as a way to escape and deal with my emotions. At some point, my weight became my safety blanket.

What was the deciding factor to get you started?
I’ve always felt that I was missing out on a part of life because I was fat, and that I wasn’t really being the person I was meant to be. That’s usually what would get me started... finally getting sick and tired of feeling like crap. This past year, however, I had different reasons for starting up again and I feel like those have defined how “this time” is different from any other time. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my knee days before leaving Victoria to do a three week practicum in a grade one class. I felt horrible during that practicum. I’d get out of breath just getting on and off the carpet. I realized that if I couldn’t be the teacher I wanted to be at my current weight. What type of role model was I? So obese that at 22, I had arthritis in my knee. Turning to food anytime I felt stressed, upset, angry, sad or happy. I also know I want a family eventually and I wanted to be a better role model for my children.

When you are having a tough time finding motivation to continue what do you do?
Funny you should ask - I’m coming out of a motivational funk right now! The last few months my weight hasn’t changed much because I’ve been dealing with more emotional work. I’ve finally started reaching out to my support network more this month and the difference has been amazing. I have some of the best people in my life, and the further I get in my journey, the more wonderful people I meet. Between my friends at school, roommates, family, and now the Biggest Winner program, I’ve got a solid support system that offer advice, suggestions or just a shoulder to lean on. The other thing I rely on quite a bit is my blog. I post every entry to facebook and I pride myself on being honest. That means admitting when I’ve over indulged or am feeling down and struggling. Knowing that anyone on my facebook page will know if I decided to skip out on the gym usually gets my butt in gear. I’ve also had many people thank me for my honesty and say that it is inspiring, so that definitely helps with motivation.

What are some of the most meaningful feats you have accomplished on
your journey? Why?
I think the top two things I’ve accomplished have been dealing with my emotional relationship with food and seeing how much I can do physically!

I’ve used food as a way to deal with my emotions (the good and the bad) for so long, it was very hard to admit to myself that I needed to find a better way. It was even harder to actually change. It’s been a tough back and forth battle for the past 4 years, but I’m happy to say that while I’m nowhere near perfect, I am proud of where I am. One I realized the connection between food and my abuse, I got really angry. I felt like up until that point, food had all the control over me and I refused to let it continue that way. I wanted to be in control of my life and my choices. I had a really tough practicum in April and May and for the first time in my life I didn’t turn to food when I felt like I was nearing rock bottom. Instead I joined BDHQ – which definitely worked out better for me. 

Fitness wise, I’ve been pushing myself physically and am amazed at what I’ve been able to do. This past August I did the Warrior Dash, a 5km obstacle run up and down Mt Seymour (and up and down, up and down). Then, this October I ran the GoodLife Fitness Half Marathon in 2 hours 39 minutes. As someone who at the beginning of the summer got winded from running to the mailbox, I am so proud of what I accomplished! I had always wanted to do stuff like this but I had labeled it as something “skinny people” do. Now I know that my weight does not need to hold me back and I can do anything I set my mind to.

If you could tell your old self one thing before you started what would that be?
Be kind to yourself. You are about to embark on a journey that will challenge everything you think you know about yourself and it will change your life forever. This is not an easy task, but it is so worth it. There will be times during this journey that you will be overwhelmed, both physically and emotionally, but just remember to take it one day at a time. Also, put these two quotes up on your wall because they become your mantra:
“Success if the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”
“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.”

What is the biggest, non physical, difference you notice in yourself?
Hands down, my confidence level. This surprises some of the people who know me because apparently to the outside world I always seemed happy and confident. I was really good at hiding what was going on inside my head. Inside, I was second guessing everything and always afraid to share my opinion. Heck, half the time I was afraid of forming my own opinion. I wanted people to like me and I never wanted to rock the boat. Joining the Biggest Winner program has been one of the biggest reasons for this change. I can’t really explain why, but just knowing what I can do physically has a huge impact on my confidence. I’ve also noticed a huge shift in how I talk to myself, which I know plays into confidence level. I was my own worst enemy, full of negative self-talk. It quite literally destroyed most of my self esteem. This is still something I’m working on, but I’ve come leaps and bounds from where I used to be. When I am exercising and feel like I need to stop or give up, I just give myself a quick pep talk and all the sudden I’ve got the energy to keep going. It’s great.

What is next for you?
Man, wouldn’t I like to know the answer to this question. I’m at an interesting time in my life. In 5 months I will be a UVic grad with a fresh B.Ed. I know that as soon as possible I’ll be going overseas, for either travel or teaching or probably both. But I’m right now wondering what I want to do with my life. Do I want to be a teacher? Do I want to use my experiences with weight loss somehow? What about abuse, should I try to do something to help that? All these questions are floating around inside my head right now and every day I remind myself to take a breath and stop worrying. What is meant to be will happen. No matter how much I’d like to think otherwise, I can’t plan out every step of my life. The more I remind myself of this, the more I realize I like living this way. I can’t control or predict what will happen to me. What I can do is make healthy choices every day. So what’s next for me is surviving these last few months of school. It will be an incredibly busy time with school, practicum, and life, but I am determined to keep being healthy. I feel so much stronger when I’m eating clean and exercising so I will continue to make it a priority in my life.

Anything else you'd like to share...
I want to say a huge thank you to Bri for allowing me to share my story. It’s hard to talk about such personal things, especially on the internet, but so far I’ve always been glad I have. I’m also so thankful for my support system, especially at BDHQ. Having people that understand what you’re going through, and all your ups and down is incredibly important.

Very proud of everything you have accomplished Susie, you are an inspiration and will do amazing things in this world regardless of where your life takes you.

A New Me

2012-11-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Look at how life gets away from you when you are engaged and living. I just realized I haven't even updated my readers on my speech at Journey to Balance, let alone an update on the most transforming weekend of my life.

First things first, the speech. Let me tell you it was one of the starriest things I've done so far but I went into it with excitement. I went into it with the possibility of empowering someone to change their life. Now there was not 40 people there, but I would have felt the same regardless if there were 4 people or 400 people. Sharing yourself and being authentic about who you are in this world is extremely vulnerable. Unfortunately it was not taped so I don't have a video to share, but what I can share is the impact that it had on me. I recognize how powerful words are. I stood there living as a true example of someone who transformed body, mind and spirit. I shared myself and in return got a standing ovation and a personal sense of power I have never experienced.

Next...I was asked to contribute to a book called 1000 Tips for Teenagers along with 120 other passionate people. The book launched on November 20th which was National Child's day. I am super excited to receive my copy and see all the other contributions to this book. I know it will change many young lives. The book even made top 100 status in it's catagory, ranking #13 out of thousands of books. Kudos to all the contributors for taking a stand for teens and young adults to take charge of their lives.

What can be left, I just re-read what I wrote and that seems like alot of "stuff" going on for just a few days...What's left is the results of a life changing weekend. In August I completed the Landmark Forum and got power in my life back, but something was still lacking for me. There was still a small part of me that felt dis-empowered with respect to my body image. To be more specific, I was still, deep down, shameful of my weight loss. I felt personally responsible for where I got myself so I felt ashamed to be proud of the fact that I have lost 190 pounds. I realized over this weekend that I have been dis-empowering myself and those that I claim to be a leader for. This weekend I claimed my power back. I saw, for the first time ever, that my purpose on this planet is much bigger than simply a girl who lost 190 pounds. My purpose is to empower those I touch to find personal strength to take charge of their health. Something that the forum leader said was "when you are truly fulfilled in life and doing what you love, living for a purpose, you do not need food to fulfill you". Another thing that hit home was seeing really why I wasn't losing the "last 10 pounds". Any time you want something but aren't doing it there is a reason. Action produces results, but the source of getting action is being authentic with yourself about why you aren't acting. So when it comes to keeping weight on and not following through there is a pay off in it for you. A pay off isn't necessarily a good thing, it can be a way of protecting you. For me, I realized my entire way of being when it comes to conflict is to push people away. It is safer to push people away then to allow them in and take a chance that they may leave me. My pay off for keeping the last 10 pounds on has been that I get to continue to be the girl losing weight instead of the powerful girl who is impacting change in the world. Because being the girl losing weight is safer than being a person who stands up for others successes. My pay off has been playing it safe and not sharing that last vulnerable piece of myself.

The results of all this realization, I had some pretty amazing conversations with my siblings that I have never had. I opened my heart fully and shared exactly what I wrote above. I can now, completely and honestly, say that I feel like a different person inside and out. This is a picture of my sister and I at the completion of the Landmark Advanced Course last night. For me, even looking at this picutre, I can see myself as a different person...happier and confident, ready to take on whatever is next. Bring it on world, bring it on!!

Life Updated: Part 2

2012-11-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Last week I shared with all of you how I had taken the scale out of my life and was preparing to share my journey publicly at Journey to Balance which happens to be tomorrow afternoon.

So what could be more exciting than this? Well on top of this I started the Landmark Seminar series which runs for ten weeks. Our first session was last week. I was struggling with even going because it means giving up Wednesday night BWs in order to attend this for ten weeks. On one hand I knew it was important for me to finish my commitment and do the seminar but on the other hand I didn't want to miss class. Not only did I commit to attending, but I even volunteered to be a group leader. Opening the possibility in my life of being even more of a leader and stand for what I believe in. We talked about how each complaint is really a possibility in your life to create something.

What I realized was going on for me was the big complaint of "i'm not good enough". So that's pretty broad, but with this upcoming speaking and feeling nervous about it I realized this complaint was really creating an environment in my head where I was doubting my own ability to do this. To be more specific I think the complaint really is "my story isn't important enough, no one want's to hear about me anyway". Because I was replaying this complaint in my head I was doubting that I was going to be able to deliver an empowering speech. Then I realized, well obviously this is a silly complaint because I was asked to come and share my story so it must be important enough. And what is really important to me? Empowering others to make changes in their lives. Instead of this complaint I am choosing to create a possibility of delivering my story with confidence and just being me. So ready or not here I come!

On a more low key scale of excitement we got out new fridge delivered today. At this moment our kitchen looks like we hoard food with two fridges, but that will be resolved on Monday when the old one gets picked up by BC Hydro. ALSO for the first time in five years my home office is finally organized and de-cluttered - it's so freeing!!

How much more exciting can this get? Guess i'll have to see what happens tomorrow :)

Life Updated

2012-11-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about taking away the scale. These last few months I have been far too focused on the number which has actually had the opposite effect on me. For the first time ever I did not make my weight for the ten pound challenge, self sabotage took over. I could have done it, absolutely, but choices were made and consequences paid. So in order to get myself in the right head space I had to refocus myself and separate the number from my accomplishments and feelings. I found myself starting to weigh in at home after eating certain foods or mornings after higher calorie meals to see where I was. I started using the scale as a way to enable myself to eat more, because I had been "good". I don't like this. Last week I made a decision that I would put away my scale. I would not weigh myself one more time until the end of this Biggest Winner session, not even on Sundays. I have left the authority in Michele's hands that if I am not being accountable to the program, not writing in my book or appear to have gained 50 pounds this past week then she can weigh me, but I don't want to know. I need this time to refocus my head.

It has been an interesting week, I've caught myself wanting to weigh in and was able to recognize that those times I wanted to were times where I was losing doubt in my abilities to trust that I was capable. By stopping this cycle my aim is to develop my trust more and more in knowing that I would never go backwards. See, I know I won't go backwards but I think inwardly I don't necessarily trust that right now. It will be an interesting next 6 weeks and an experiment in developing my own self trust.

I have even more exciting news to share. At first I wasn't actually excited about this, actually I was petrified, but i'm turning the tables and am now excited. I was asked to share my story at an event on Sunday November 18th here in Victoria. It is called Journey to Balance, it is open to the public and will raise money to benefit PEERs Victoria Resource Centre. I have ten minutes to speak and share my own journey, it's exciting and scary all at the same time. Please like the page on Facebook or follow them on Twitter. This step of me sharing my story publicly is all about me creating the possibility of my life of being a stand for people making healthy changes. We all have that power in ourselves, we just have to dig deep and make it happen.

Update #2 on even more exciting news to come in a few days...stay tuned :)

Transformation of the Month: Jim Roepcke

2012-11-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

A new month, means a new success story to highlight. So many proud moments happening, people accomplishing some big goals, it's always inspiring to see. November's success story is the male winner of our last session. Jim lost an incredible 40.2 pounds in 12 weeks. Take a look at his before and after pictures.

And here is Jim's story..

What was your heaviest weight?
I was 349 in May 2005, and despite getting 308 in 2007, back to 346 on January 2nd, 2012, the day of my big gall bladder attack.

What is your current weight?
This morning (October 13) I weighed myself at 276.2, a new low. That's down 12.6 pounds from the end of the summer BW session.

What is your goal weight?
Currently 230, but when I get there I will reevaluate and maybe set a lower goal weight.

How long have you struggled with weight?
From the age of 11, but it wasn't serious (because I kept active to keep it under control) until I was out of high school and no longer as active. I gained 30 pounds in the first year after high school, and 20 more pounds in the 6 months that followed that. At that point, at the age of 20, I destroyed my knee in a stupid avoidable accident, and after that I put on even more weight, which I still haven't taken off.
I lost 50 pounds (from 320 to 270) in 2000, and then gained it all back and more from 2001 to 2005.

What made you decide to join BWs?
I knew that if I had an environment where I could work out in a group setting with people with similar challenges and goals as me, have support and accountability, that I would flourish. I wanted to join a year earlier, but other commitments, financial uncertainty and a gallbladder disease made it impossible. Things finally lined up in June 2012, and I was joined for the July-September session.

What is the biggest non physical change you notice?
I'm happier and more confident. I look back at the summer of 2012 as the very best time of my life.

What is the biggest physical change?
Biggest? There are so many, and I'm not sure how to order them. Obviously, I'm much smaller and fit smaller clothes, and not carrying around so much extra weight means my stamina and agility has improved when playing sports and during other kinds of activities. I'm significantly stronger.

How do you involve your family in your weight loss journey? are they supportive?
My wife Cheryl is incredibly supportive! She joined BW for the first month. She has her own weight loss goal, and she's nearly there! In fact she's at "The Drill" at BDHQ as I write this on a Saturday morning. I don't know how to cook, so I really wanted Cheryl to join with me so we'd be on the same page as far as the nutritional guidelines went.

My kids and the rest of my family have also been very supportive and encouraging. This helps more than I can say.

What is your proudest moment in the last twelve weeks?
Wearing clothes I bought for myself at the start of a vacation to San Francisco in June 2009 but was never able to wear because I gained 15 pounds there in 2 weeks. Now those clothes are too big for me too. Oh, and now that I've read Rebecca's interview, I now remember being incredibly proud that I lost 3.6 pounds over the week I worked in San Francisco in late July. Previously I'd never gained less than 10 pounds during a week in San Francisco.

What are your fitness goals?
I want to be able play tennis and squash like I could when I was a teenager without worrying about my knee. I want to be strong and fit enough to play goalie in hockey. I've promised myself goalie gear when I get to 230 if I still want to play goalie then.
Most of all I want to be fit for life and never ever go back to an unhealthy lifestyle.

What is the most important thing that you have learned?
The most important thing I learned in BW was goal setting. For the first time in my adult life I have realistic, achievable long term goals! After the first week, once I believed I could do it, I set a goal to be the Biggest Winner for the session, but I didn't share it. That goal drove me more than anything.

Thanks for sharing your story Jim, you look fantastic and are achieving some big goals. Very proud of everything you have accomplished.

Take Away the Scale

2012-10-27T18:14:00.002-07:00

Far to often those of us on a health journey get caught up with the number on the scale. Heck, I do it, I signed up for the 10 pound challenge and it turned it to me re-obsessing about the number on the scale. As of last week though I decided that I was letting it all go. I didn't like feeling like the number was controlling my feels or what I thought of myself. I am much more than a number on a scale. It is important to remember the non scale victories, the accomplishments and above all that who you are is not a number you are unique and special.

Wouldn't it be amazing if our scales said positive things like this, instead of a boring old number that defines nothing?

Here are MY reasons for not allowing the scale to define my self worth.

8. The scale doesn't tell me who loves me and cares about me
7. The scale doesn't define my intelligence or my ability to do my job
6. The scale can't tell me how fabulous I look after just getting ready for a night out
5. The scale doesn't know about the conversations i've had with people or the joy I get from inspiring someone to make positive changes
4. The scale can't tell me how amazing the feeling of soar legs are after a run
4. The scale can't take away from the physical accomplishments i've met
2. The scale doesn't know anything about the emotional hurdles i've overcome and how much stronger of a person I am

and my #1 reason for not allowing the scale to define my self worth...The scale does not tell my story, I do by living with integrity every day. When I do everything I am supposed to do to live a healthy life (drink lots of water, eat clean, move my body) then the number does not define anything for me, it is just a number.

What are your reasons for not allowing the scale define you? What are you proud of?

Keepin' it Simple

2012-10-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

This week we focused on keeping it simple. Especially when starting on a weight loss journey, it is often overwhelming to change everything at once. So the focus was just to pick simple foods, no need to try a new recipe every week. I practice the simple technique alot, in fact I actually make "trying a new recipe" a goal because I find my food to often be very boring. But boring works, boring keeps me focused and on track (most of the time).

My struggle this week was getting back from a trip, not feeling like I had time to get organized, getting my period and feeling hormonal...all a compound effect that led to not nearly as good of a food week than I needed. All of this was also compounded by the added stress of knowing I have to weigh in for the ten pound challenge in a couple of weeks. I'm not quite sure what came over my decision making parts of my brain when deciding to join the challenge as I know every other time I've done it it has messed with my head and had the opposite effect on my motivation. This time I have two weeks to lose nearly 10 lbs, its just not realistic to make it happen. Sure I could go drastic and I could lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks but it would not be done in a healthy way. I am committed to having a good food week, lots of workouts and water and if my body wants to let go of 10 lbs in 2 weeks then fantastic, if not then that's ok too. I am at peace with whatever happens. I am not willing to be drastic because that will lead me right back to gaining the weight again.

This week my goal is to make my 3 BDHQ workouts and then add in 2 days of swimming laps and 1 short 5K run. I'm feeling very optimistic with my running and even ran up a hill three times today!! that is three times in an entire year and I did it today - woohoo! Patience and persistence, that's what im practicing this week.

Me Vs. The Bully

2012-10-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

Anti-Bullying has been a topic that has been in the media a lot recently. The first story that went viral was that of Jennifer Livingston, a US news anchor who received a e-mail attacking her appearance and weight by one of her viewers. Instead of ignoring the email Jennifer spoke out against bullying and stood up for herself. Her story went viral on social media and received millions of views. The most recent story is the suicide of Amanda Todd. This young girl was a victim of bullying both online and in school. The torment led her to take her own life after previous failed attempts.

For me, both of these stories hit home on a deep and personal level. Jennifer Livingston, a successful and beautiful woman, was brave enough to stand up to her bully. The unnamed viewer had said she was a poor role model for young people for making the choice to be obese. Livingston's response was basically "you think I don't know that". She said "To all of the children out there who feel lost, who are struggling with your weight, with the colour of your skin, your sexual preference, your disability, even the acne on your face, listen to me right now: Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies."

For many years I allowed my self-worth to be defined by what other people thought of me, not any more. My self-worth is defined by me and only me, by what I define as important, my values and ethics. I am more than a number on a scale or the size of pants I wear. I am important and valuable in this world. It took me a long time to see things this way because, like I said, for years I allowed people's words to define how I felt about me. I allowed other people's opinions to impact my decisions in life. I have taken back control and am more conscious of my choices and decisions, I own them!

The second story, Amanda Todd, who took her life last week saddened me. I was fortunate enough to not endure serious bullying in High School, but I struggled. I remember sitting in the halls on lunch, alone, and see the popular boys walk by and laugh in my face. I sat there and snarfed down my chocolate bar. To be honest, when I look back on High School most of my memories are sad. I suffered with depression and it was not until after high school when I was out of my house that I was able to get a prescription for anti-depressants which helped turn things around. I felt alone in that time of my life, I was suicidal but suppressed those urges with food. It is a deep, dark, place to be in, to feel like no one loves you and that you are better off ending things. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep hoping I would wake up and the pain would be over. I am one of the lucky ones to survive through this, it came with wounds and scars, it came with significant weight gain but I have battled that now and I have overcome the emotional daemons that plagued me. I can say now I have the tools to deal with the darkness and my life is more full of light than dark. I came out of this a better person.

Something I realize now is that no matter how much I was made fun of in school, really the biggest bully I faced was myself. I said some pretty mean things to myself, I beat myself up daily for my weight and appearance, I secluded myself and withdrew from the world because I felt I deserved to feel that pain. Often we are the worst critics of ourselves, so my challenge for myself is to live each day with positivity in my heart. To be positive in my thoughts and beliefs, even though that is often very difficult. Be the best you - you can be and your world will reflect it.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2012-10-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

What an amazing and beautiful weekend it was here in Victoria. Thanksgiving weekend last year I was running the Good Life Victoria Half Marathon. This weekend I enjoyed two beautiful dinners, one at my Dad's and one at my in-laws. Kudos to the chefs! No pumpkin pie, indulged in two dark chocolates yesterday and today indulged in bread.

After today's dinner/lunch I had committed to going for a run/walk in preparation for my ultra sound tomorrow. In order to determine what is going on with my knee pain the doctor wants to run an ultra sound while my knee is inflamed. So today I was to go for a 5KM run, and again tomorrow right before the appointment. I tell you, after eating turkey at 2PM, the last thing I wanted to do was run 5KM, but I did. The weird thing is that I wasn't actually experiencing pain during the run, which is what has been happening every other time I run. This is awesome, but I don't trust that the pain wont come back yet, i've got to this place before of feeling better and then I go back to square one. I struggle with being in that place because I want so much to push myself, but I am terrified that if I do I will wind back up at the beginning and I have been working very hard these last couple months to re-hab it. Just taking it day by day though and see what the ultra sound brings.

But back to the theme of this weekend, giving thanks. There are so many things I have to be grateful for in my life.

#1: My family and friends who have supported me in this journey
#2: My health - my life is a total transformation from where I was just a few years ago.
#3: My will power - I was looking around at old photos and stumbled upon these. The photos make me incredibly grateful for my determination and strength in this journey.

#4: BDHQ and their support and dedication to their client's success
#5: My fitness buddies who get me going every day I just don't feel up to it
#6: The countless people I don't even know who have found strength from my journey, I am grateful that my experience has allowed you to find success

There are so many moments, people and experiences that I am grateful for. I am eternally grateful for everyone who reads and follows my blog and journey, it keeps me grounded and accountable. What are you grateful for in your life?

And the female winner is...

2012-10-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

Can't let another month go without an amazing success story. Our most recent session of Biggest Winners ended a couple weeks ago. Because we have a growing number of male participants this last session there were two official winners. Jim and Rebecca. Congratulations to both amazing participants for their fantastic results, couldn't be more proud. They both look amazing. Today's post is dedicated to Rebecca and her journey of the up and downs of weight loss, check out her own inspiring words.

This is Rebecca before...

What was your heaviest weight?
Short Version: 272 pounds, the day my twins were born, That doesn't count, right? :)
Long Version: In 2007, after four years of trying to get pregnant, I was 248 lbs and when we had to seek help to get pregnant, it was strongly recommended I lose weight first (not really a surprise!). I lost 42 pounds and was 206 before getting pregnant in 2008. Then came the 272 pounds! However, I lost 50 pounds within two weeks of the babies' birth (let's just say I had a lot of water retention!). That was fun! In 2010, my BFF convinced me to join BDHQ (she not only bought me a gift certificate, she went with me to every workout!). When I was finally getting exercise, I went down to 188! This was better than my wedding weight in 2002! Then I injured myself running and then went back to work full time ...which led me to start BWs this July at 224. I am now 196 lbs.

What is your goal weight?
I'm not sure but I am looking forward to surpassing 188 (my lowest weight in 11 years). Then I look forward to surpassing 165 (which was the weight I was after Jenny Craig in 1999 but that didn't last long) and then I can't wait to be 155 (my weight when I started university in 1992). And anything past that will be a miracle - and really, really exciting!!

How long have you struggled with weight?
I've always considered myself a little chubby, but the real battle began when I stopped dancing at age 16.

What made you decide to join Biggest Winners?
Going back to work full-time after 2 1/2 years at home with my twins was way harder than I thought it was going to be! It was so overwhelmingly busy and exhausting... I gained 23 pounds in 10 months. I knew I was headed back to where I started from and I was scared. I was hoping to get myself back on track during the summer.

Then my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. To put it mildly, Life's had a shake up here. She has always been an inspiration to me - in many ways! I wanted to get healthy even more than before - to show my friend I appreciated her support all this time and that it wasn't a waste, and, now more than ever, for my family. I always, always, always went to BDHQ with my bud - never by myself. It was our social time - and I am so grateful to her for getting me started and keeping me company there! I knew that while she was unable to go, I was unlikely to go without her. I needed another reason to go.

What is the biggest non physical change you notice?
My determination and motivation! There is no question in my mind that I am going to show up for the next BW workout. I don't feel it's a choice. I don't even try to make up an excuse to allow myself to stay home. Joining BWs was like flipping a switch - all of a sudden, I was actually doing things I hadn't made time for all year - following a healthy eating plan, drinking 3 litres of water, getting more sleep, and working out!

What is the biggest physical change?
The legs and butt in my work pants are huge and ballooning around me! The waist is loose....but not loose enough yet.....

How do you involve your family in your weight loss journey? are they supportive?
I really want my family to be active together. I want my children to be healthy and happy - now and forever! I want us to hike together, bike together, enjoy life together! I desperately want to be a good role model for them. My kids are very supportive - even if they aren't conscious of it. When my daughter fell off the couch and was crying one night as I was attempting to leave for BWs, when I stayed home with her, she worried, "How will you get healthy if you don't go to the gym?" After seeing me write in my BW book so often, they will bring it to me sometimes after meal to remind me to fill it out. It was also inspiring to be compared with runners my kids saw on the street - "Look, Mommy, they are runners too - like you!". I love that my kids see me as a runner. When we finished this last session, my goal was to get my hubby to join BWs with me some day. He is starting this next session with me! I am excited for him to join me on this journey. I'm hoping I can show him the same support he has shown me.

What is your proudest moment in the last twelve weeks?
Losing weight while on vacation. I've never done that before! We were in Oregon for 8 days - I lost weight. We went camping up island for eight days - I lost weight!

And here is Rebecca NOW...

She looks absolutely fabulous. Every time I see her in the gym, even at 6AM, she is full of smiles. I'm blessed to be able to check in with her every day over email and get a little boost of my own. Rebecca I am so proud, as is everyone else in your life, of everything you are doing to be a healthier Mom, wife and friend. Can't wait to see what you look like after another 12 weeks.

Finding Body Confidence

2012-09-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

This week we had no regular Biggest Winners workouts as it is our week between sessions. Some may look at this as an excuse to "cheat" but I look at it more as a way to regroup myself and prep for another session. I felt completely on track this week, saying no to temptations, getting my workouts in, getting over laryngitis. Unlike last week where I was feeling frustrated, I got myself back to a place of at least looking at things day by day and not worrying about the number so much.

I had a couple body image successes that I wanted to share with all of you. First, I have had this issue with wearing shirts that don't cover my stomach/skin flap. Even though I am always told that the outfit looks great, I always feel uncomfortable and try to pull the shirt down. I have not gone out in public in a shirt that showed the zipper of my jeans probably ever. This week I wore a shirt that was shorter, it doesn't show any skin, its just shorter and I looked at myself in the mirror and that feeling of being "off" was not there. It was like, ok I like this - I look good. I felt confident walking down the street. And of coarse no one said "look at that girl, that shirt is way too short". Even better, I didn't say that in my head! I'm not going to say i'll be comfortable all the time in shorter shirts, but this is a huge step for me.

Second, in my efforts to try to fall asleep last night I was reading some blogs and came across a post called half which is a self portrait post by Julia Kozerski who is an artist based in Milwaukee. This is an exert from the post: "These photographs are self-portraits. They serve as reflections of my experience and address and explore my physically and emotionally painful, private struggles with food, obsession, self-control, and self-image". Please note before viewing the post there is nudity, so be forewarned.

So in viewing this post I looked at the images of this beautiful and confident woman who was so brave to put herself out there for the world. I looked at these images and though, wow I am not alone! I knew other people had excess skin from significant weight loss, but seeing pictures of it is not common place. I have had a hard time separating my thoughts of my body being "overweight/heavy" with it just being what it is with excess skin. Literally I felt like those pictures were me, that is what I look like, I look in the mirror and that is what I see. But what I realized when I looked at these pictures was that it is ok. It doesn't matter that I have excess skin, the skin makes me who I am, it is my tattoo of my journey. Without this skin I would have never been heavy, I would have never walked this journey, I would never have met the people I met or done the things I've done. Who would I be without my skin? I wouldn't be who I am today. The decision I made last night was to just be one with my body, to accept it the way it is, not worry about the skin, and embrace it's beauty just the way it is. I can only hope that everyone can come to their own self realization about their body image. We are all beautiful and unique just the way we are, regardless of what shape/size we are.

In honor of my new found confidence I wanted to share a very personal picture that I have shown few people. A few months ago I had boudoir photos taken, I posted one photo, not very revealing. The following is an unedited/untouched photo that I asked the photographer to take. I am not ashamed of it, it is who I am and today I am celebrating that.

Working Through My Frustration

2012-09-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged right now. I've been back to work, back to my routine, and had an awesome food week and lots of water. I went swimming on Tuesday with Jaylene, had a great workout. I'm really proud of both of us for showing up and doing it! Went to a Landmark session on Wednesday night. Was feeling totally on track emotionally and physically, was in my grove. Then by Thursday I was getting sick, so lethargic, and yucky, Friday afternoon my voice was going and by 7PM Friday night I was pretty much out to the world. I have spent the entire day today on my couch with no energy to move, a sore throat and inability to breathe normally. Also, I went to my regular chiro/physio appointment and now there is a possibility that my knee issue is stemming not only from my pronated feet but from a possible cyst behind my knee cap which is causing fluid build up. The fix would involve a surgeon draining the cyst if that is even possible and that might not even fix it. Looks like I have to go back for more tests.

Like I said, i'm trying to be positive, to not get frustrated, but i'm human too and sometimes I can only take so much. I am focusing right now on keeping on track food wise, especially while all i'm doing is lying here on the couch and watching TV. I know the cold will pass, and before long I will be back to workouts. I know that all I can continue to do is be patient with my body and do what the professionals are telling me to do. But I can't deny feeling frustrating, in fact i'm allowing myself to feel frustrated instead of ruining my diet. I'm allowing myself to feel my feelings with my outlet being writing them out instead of stuffing them in.

Tomorrow is the last workout for this most recent Biggest Winners session. Even though I can't be there right now, i'm focusing on being grateful for this amazing group of people, this community, that I am a part of. The people who have supported me in this journey and inspire me every day to not go backwards, even when I feel frustrated like I do right now. A support network is something that is extremely important in long term weight management. Without this, I don't think I would be able to maintain the weight range I am in right now. Look around you, who is your support network? Who do you turn to for inspiration when times get tough? Keep those people close, cherish those relationships, long-term your journey will be just a little bit smoother over those bumps in the road.