My Current Reading

Yes they Can

noreply@blogger.com (Faith Okpotor) — Mon, 25 May 2009 13:00:00 +0000

“Twenty Wishes” by Debbie Macomber

Acclaimed fiction author Debbie Macomber captures the lives of a group of dynamic women whose friendship is the result of a common bond they share: They had been recently widowed. Their marriages for the most part were very different from the perfect pictures seen by the outside world. For most of them their husbands had been unfaithful; one as a matter of habit; another had put that kind of behavior behind him and his marriage was on the mend when tragedy struck; and in Anne Marie Roche's case, well, it was complicated.

Anne Marie is the book's main character and owner of Blossom Street Books in Seattle. She was married for a decade to Robert, a divorced father of two. At the time they met he had made it clear to her that he did not want anymore kids. She had agreed. As time went on though, Anne Marie wanted a child so badly but Robert wouldn't budge. An ill-timed ultimatum from her leads to a separation. Just when they are trying to reconcile, he dies of a sudden heart attack. As if that is not enough tragedy for one person, after his death Anne Marie learns that Robert cheated on her with his assistant who is now pregnant, possibly, with his child.

On Valentine's Day, Anne Marie organizes a party just for the ladies to celebrate their friendship. They decide to each come up with 20 wishes that might help bring some happiness back into their lives and ease the pain of their grief. Anne Marie has a hard time coming up with anything but starts with: Find one good thing about life. Her list also includes volunteer – become a lunch buddy, sing again and travel to Paris with someone I love. Volunteering as a lunch buddy leads Anne Marie to Ellen, an eight-year old girl, who comes to live with Anne Marie when her grandmother falls ill. Their lives become far more intertwined than either of them would have anticipated.

“Twenty Wishes” also follows the stories of the other women. Lillie Higgins is in her sixties. She is the one whose husband was unfaithful their entire marriage. Her wish to have a red sports car leads her to purchase a red BMW convertible on a whim. She meets Hector Silva, a service manager at the car dealership where she bought her car. One thing leads to another and they fall in love. The two of them couldn't be more different. She, white, upper class, rich, privileged. He, Hispanic, working class, accomplished, proud.

Her daughter Barbie, (both their husbands died on the same plane crash) whose wish to once again find the kind of love she shared with her husband leads her to meet moody, brash, sometimes rude, hunky, paraplegic, architect, Mark Bassett, at a move theater. Their relationship is rocky to begin with. Mark's first wife left him after the accident that cost him his legs and he subsequently avoided relationships with women. But he comes around when Barbie learns how to get through his outer shell to his inner softer side.

Anne Marie's wishes also come true. She finds love again. A different kind of love in Ellen, whom she adopts upon the death of Ellen's grandmother. They plan to go to Paris together. She regains her voice and is able to sing again. She even makes number 11 on her list: Dance in the rain in my bare feet. This happened at her step-daughter's wedding reception.

In the end “Twenty Wishes” is about the lesson the ladies learn which we all can learn: Life's possibilities are endless once we open ourselves up to be blessed. While this book may be a work of fiction, true accounts abound of the power of making lists – be they wishes, goals or plans. There is something about how we are wired that once we physically write down a list, we subconsciously start working toward it. Somewhere along the line Providence sets in and the magic starts to happen. This has been my personal experience. It was little Ellen in the book, paraphrasing Anne Marie, who said , “your heart has to let your head know what it wants.” To anyone who wonders whether wishes can come true, I submit to you, yes they can.

Book Binges, Love and Lust

noreply@blogger.com (Faith Okpotor) — Mon, 04 May 2009 07:57:00 +0000

“Literacy and Longing in L.A” By Jennifer Kaufman and Karen Mack

I've had this book for more than a year and I have no idea why I never got around to reading it. Truth be told, it falls into that category of books I call frivolous, which I have not read in years. At least that's what I thought, but I was in for a surprise. When you are on the road and have decided to wander and travel for the foreseeable future like I am currently doing, when you are in a strange land where you've never been and the language you hear in chatter around you is strange, a book like this one with a funny and witty take on life's dilemmas is a welcome relief no matter how much you are enjoying your new environment.

You can't help but identify and empathize with Dora, the book's main character. “Literacy and Longing in L.A.” is written in the first person, with Dora as the narrator. She is a former reporter in her thirties, with one divorce behind her and separated from her current husband. She deals with her frequent bouts of depression by going on book binges. This would involve long wine-induced reading sessions in the bathtub until the water gets cold. At these times Dora tunes out the world around her, turns off her phone and switches on the answering machine. She only answers when her concerned sister, Virginia, is worried sick about her, or Palmer, her soon-to-be ex husband, tries to reach her on Virginia's urging.

She seeks diversion with her new Man Candy – a literary know-it-all, aspiring playwright, and employee in her neighborhood bookstore. But like all that glitters and is not necessarily gold, this guy is all fleeting and all fickle. When it comes time to make the real choices that define a man, he fails miserably. Dora soon learns that even mind-blowing sex combined with similar passions and literary prowess do not a long-lasting relationship make.

The book is laden with a plethora of literary references, heaven for any book lover. Mentions of Twain, Hemingway, Tolstoy, Dickens, Albom, Woolf, Eliot, Halberstam, and their works (only a few examples), all a clear indication of the predilection of author duo, Jennifer Kaufman, a former journalist and Karen Mack, a former lawyer.

Authors, Karen Mack and Jennifer Kaufman

But “Literacy and Longing in L.A.” is not just about one woman's mid thirties existential and identity crises. It is about the choices we make that end up defining the rest of our lives. Who we choose to love and be with. How we choose to spend our time. How much to sacrifice for those we call family. What kind of work we choose to do and how it does or does not define us. Like the summary on the book cover says, Dora has “to choose between two irresistible men. Between idleness and work. And most of all between the joy of well-chosen words and the untidiness of real people and real life.”

After a year of being afloat and living on her dwindling trust fund (a gift from her dad, which she sees as compensation for his absence from her childhood), Dora gets it together. This is triggered by a heart-to-heart talk with her recovering alcoholic mother who nudges her not to let her dysfunctional childhood determine the outcome of her adult relationships. Great performances as a freelancer on assignments no one else wants leads her to getting her job back at the L.A. Times. She breaks up with Man Candy and she and Palmer decide to give their marriage another try. After all you are better off with the man you love and who loves you, the man you know and who knows you. So Dora eventually gets what she wants: fulfilling work and a second chance with the love of her life. It always comes around in the end for those patient and resilient enough to go through life's rings of fire to get to the core of contentment. If only we could all see the end from the beginning.

Don't Believe the Hype

noreply@blogger.com (Faith Okpotor) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 12:19:00 +0000

"Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women" By Christine B. Whelan

Nothing makes for a more interesting conversation that when single women (*read single American women) in their late 20s and above (especially the successful ones) talk about their inability to find a suitable mate. Then the myths burst out: If you attended a good school and have a graduate degree, men would be less interested in you. If you have a high powered job and are a top earner, they are less likely to want to date you. If you are a strong woman with career aspirations and big dreams of success, men would be intimidated by you. Therefore if you are what Christine Whelan calls a SWANS (Strong Women Achievers No Spouse), you are overqualified for love and less likely to get married.

Whelan in her book, "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women," totally turns conventional wisdom on its head. Armed with extensive data from her original research and from the U.S. Census Bureau, Whelan debunks the myths surrounding SWANS. Working women between the ages of 28 and 35 with an income of more than $55,000 per year or with a graduate degree are just as likely to be married as other women who work full time. More than half of married women with graduate degrees are married to men without graduate degrees. (So much for men being intimidated by highly educated women). SWANS in the their late 30s are more likely to get married than their less accomplished counterparts. Thirty-five-year-old women with graduate degrees have a 25 percent higher chance of being married at age 40 than women without graduate degrees. Women without a college degree are about twice as likely to be divorced as better educated women.

Now here's the kicker: what men say they want. Seventy-one percent of high achieving men said a woman's success and career make her more desirable. Ninety-two percent of men who describe themselves as successful say they are more attracted to women with successful careers. Eighty-nine percent of highly successful men say they'd like to marry or are already married to women who are as or more intelligent than they are. Bottom line? High achieving men say they are interested in SWANS for three main reasons: intelligence, self-confidence and ambition.

Source: Why Smart Women Marry Smart Men

But you wouldn't know this from the way some SWANS behave having bought the hype. It is amazing how these otherwise accomplished women who earn so much more and are much more educated than their peers seem to display a lack of self confidence when it comes to finding a life partner. Some have devised strategies for dumbing down their success when dating. There is the doctor who will tell guys she is a nurse, or the dentist who simply says she works in health care or the lawyer who never admits she is an attorney.

And just how did the conventional wisdom about the marriage prospects of SWANS become so wrong and so popular? Whelan blames two prominent successful women and the media for perpetuating the hype and scaring young women. Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her 2002 book "Creating a Life" cited research that suggested that high achieving women were not marrying and having children at the same rates as other women. She concluded that SWANS who were single at the age of 30 had less than a 10 percent chance of ever getting married. Noted New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd, in her 2005 book, "Are Men Necessary?" wrote that her being successful ruined her chances with men. She argued that men were more interested in marrying domesticated women and not intellectual equals.

So what if you are a SWANS? What is a girl to do? Whelan draws upon interviews with SWANS and men alike. The book is replete with true stories of SWANS who decided to be true to themselves and things seemed to fall in place. Don't believe the hype. Just be yourself. There is obviously someone out there for everyone. And the best thing you have going for you as a SWANS is that you have options. Start choosing. And maybe its time to investigate the real reason why you are still single if you'd rather not be. It just may be how you conduct your relationships and not because men are intimidated by your success.

*The research in this book refers to American women and uses U.S. census data.

From Riches to Rags and then Riches… Maybe?

noreply@blogger.com (Faith Okpotor) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:59:00 +0000

"How Starbucks Saved My Life: A Son of Privilege Learns to Live Like Everyone Else" By Michael Gates Gill

He was born with a silver spoon. Instead he threw it away and was forced to eat with his bare hands like everybody else. In the process he found his soul, his calling, happiness and may even get the silver spoon back. But my guess is he now knows he no longer needs it.

Michael Gates Gill is the son of New Yorker Writer Brendan Gill. He lived in a 35-room house as a child. He went to Yale and never had to job hunt. His friend made a call and he got a job writing advertising for JWT. He worked there for 25 years until he was fired. Then, in his late 50's he is without a job, cheats on his wife, gets divorced and his life continues in a downward spiral until he is offered a position at Starbucks after he unwittingly walks into a job fair while trying to get a latte.

My first reaction was, wait a minute, where did all his money go? How can you work at a prestigious job for so long, earn a six-figure salary and have nothing left for yourself at the end of the day? And then it dawns on me, which is what is great about his writing. He never explicitly comes out and tells you anything. He just tucks it in, one paragraph here and another there, like secrets written on little pieces of paper hidden under rocks. After he was fired, he decided to become a consultant in advertising, basically competing with his former employer. Even though it doesn’t work out and his clientele is dwindling, he keeps up appearances and his upscale lifestyle long after he has no means to support it. There comes my first take-away from the book: You have to be truthful to yourself. You cannot keep living a life you cannot afford to impress people your neither know nor like. In addition, all those years he worked at JWT he did not really learn anything about the business side of what he was doing. He did not teach himself about how the bottom line worked. When he was no longer relevant in increasing the bottom line he was fired. He had an employee mindset and never cultivated one of ownership. He mingled with the rich, the movers and shakers, but never learned their ways. He did not build for himself something that would continue to generate income whether he worked or not. He was focused on exchanging time for money.

Of course there is also the inspirational dimension of this true-life drama. After losing everything, except "his sense of entitlement," Gill at a Starbucks store on the wrong side of New York City finds a new family, a new calling in service, an appreciation for the dignity that lies in hard labor and a face-to-face meeting with his prejudices and preconceived notions. Crystal, an African American manager at Starbucks in her late twenties, offered him a job. This, to the same guy who years earlier had treated the token affirmative action hire at JWT, a young African American woman, with so much disrespect that she had to flee to a clerical position in personnel. Her undoing was that she dared to come into his old boys' club of alumni of prestigious universities. At Starbucks where he is now the minority working with young people his children's age and all non-white, he is treated with so much more respect and patience even when he can't perform the seemingly easy task of understanding the cash register and handing out correct change. We get a great behind-the-scenes look at the workings of a Starbucks store and the spirit, people and culture, some of what reportedly makes it such a good company and a great workplace. Gill's book joins the other many books written about the Starbucks experience. The inspiration in his story lies in the fact that if he did not go through this ring of fire (borrowed from another author I admire) he won't be where he is today. He got a book deal and now Tom Hanks has bought the movie rights to his book and will be starring as Gill in a movie to be released later this year. Gill is writing the screenplay.

The beauty of "How Starbucks Saved My Life" is in its style and great dialogue. Gill captures the essence of his fellow partners (as Starbucks workers are called) in ways only someone who has written for a living all his life can. Even though the book is chronological from March to March covering his first year at Starbucks, it is dotted with numerous flashbacks to his childhood and earlier life without rudely interrupting the flow of the present.

Although Gill does not define his journey in spiritual terms - he is just a guy who made too many stupid mistakes - it clearly is spiritual. For me, you know you are on a spiritual journey when you no longer feel the need to live up to defined expectations or play laid out roles. It becomes easy to understand that there is no reason why an aging baby boomer ivy leaguer can't serve coffee in the not-so-trendy part of New York City. Nothing will shock your worldview more than if you were a former six-figure earner in your 60s working for minimum wage brewing coffee, mopping floors and cleaning toilets. Gill's journey comes full circle when on his way to work he notices the Lobb-clad feet of an expensively dressed man as he makes his way out of the subway station. It turns out the well dressed man is an old classmate of Gill's at Buckley and Yale. The former Gill would have reached out to him, said hello and rubbed shoulders with this peer. But he doesn't and the man doesn’t even notice him. Gill has become one of the invisible. How's that for an awakening?