Legal Disclaimer to All Men: I WILL NOT be responsible for whatever happens to your peckers if you choose to keep them out while reading this post.

Now that we got all of the legal shit out of the way, let me just say that I never thought that Pam was a really hot chick. She seems like a super cool chick and has a really cute and bubbly personality, but I always thought that Carmen Electra was much hotter in the looks department.

Okay, okay. I’m sure there’s a lot of horny men out there that would love to wring my little opinionated neck right about now, but I implore you to check out the photographic evidence below before proceeding with my murder.

I found a photographic gem of lil’ Pammy on Perezhilton.com (love you Perez!) today and my first thought was, “Damn, that Tammy Faye came back to life. I knew it! The nuns always said it mattered how many Hail Marys you said every day. I KNEW those bitches were lying.”

May I present to you a photo of the late Tammy Faye Bakker:

Shown on Kevo.com

And a recent photo of the “gorgeous” Ms. Anderson:

Shown on Perezhilton.com

So, do you guys still want to wring my neck? Trust me, your boners will thank you later.

According to People.com, another idiot judge is being added to the panel of “experts” for the train wreck formerly known as American Idol.

Yeah, like adding another mindless dolt is really going to make the shitty show more watchable. I’d rather pluck out my crotch hairs one by one than to subject myself to another torturous 5 months of hell.

So what must-have celebrity is being added to the prestigious panel of know-nothings you ask? Well, none other than Kara DioGuardi of course! (Insert sound of abruptly-stopped party music here).

WHO???

Yup, that was my first response too. “Who the shit f*ck is that?”

Here she is folks:

Shown on People.com

Apparently, I was under the misguided notion that the geniuses at American Idol would have picked somebody that is, oh I don’t know, RELEVANT SO PEOPLE WOULD KNOW WHO THE F*CK IT IS! If it takes a paragraph to explain who the newest “expert” judge is, maybe that wasn’t your best choice.

Here is who the hell she is according to People.com:

“DioGaurdi is certainly qualified for the job, having written songs for artists as diverse as Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Santana, and Pink. Even Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers have released DioGuardi’s songs.”

Well after that explanation, I stand corrected.

I can’t wait to watch a show with a star-studded panel of judges comprised of an over-the-hill gangsta wannabe, an obnoxiously-coiffed and mouthed Brit, an “I wish I had a brain and another Xanax” ex-Laker Girl and Ms. Nobody Gives a Shit.

Woo hoo! The countdown’s on bitches!

But I think I’m also one of the many that believe his last name is poetic justice for all the stupid shit he pulls. He was blessed with a great porno name but sadly, it has nothing to do with the size of his wiener. Poor guy.

Well, in true Mr. Dick fashion, he got himself into trouble again and was recently formally arrested (yes, once again). What a Hollywood role model!

People.com reports that the male Kathy Griffin look-a-like was formally charged with assault and drug possession following an incident that took place in July. Dick faces a total of four misdemeanors: assault, possession of marijuana and Xanax (without a prescription) and public intoxication.

Ah, the face that only a blind mother could love (perfect photo for this year’s Christmas cards, Mrs. Dick…).

Shown on People.com

It seems that our favorite love-to-hate Dickster was arrested outside the Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar in Murrieta, Calif., after he allegedly “walked up to the 17-year-old female victim, grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” said a police statement at the time of the arrest.

Well, it’s too bad Mr. Dick wasn’t visiting Naples, FL instead. I’ve got a few girlfriends that would’ve gladly exposed their breasts for free. Conservative town, my ass.

I’m so tired of hearing who’s got the bigger dick or who IS the bigger dick. I’ll make it easy for you guys: YOU’RE ALL DICKS, JUST TO DIFFERENT DEGREES.

And the hypocrisy of political candidates always amuses me (I’m looking at you, John Edwards). I think these guys should just come forward and admit that they’re all horny bastards that cheat on their ugly wives and see if they can all work together to get the economy back in some kind of recognizable shape.

So with this in mind, I got a really big kick out of an article I read on ABCNews.com today about the prediction that prostitution services will spike during the upcoming conventions in Minneapolis and Denver. ABCNews.com goes on to report that Craig’s List ads are indicating that sex workers are preparing themselves for the mad rush.

Shown on ABCNews.com

In Minneapolis, one ad stated “Republican Convention Party Entertainment – Hostesses wanted.”

In Denver, Rebecca was looking for someone to “Help me celebrate democracy,” under an ad titled “DNC Delight.”

Now, if I was placing an ad in Craig’s List for either convention, I’d personally go with the following:

HORNY POLITICIAN WANTED

“Looking for a really old, bald, ugly, small-dicked, possibly overweight politician to screw his brains out, “accidentally” get pregnant with, and then blackmail him for everything he’s got.

Must have own teeth – I hate it when you nasty dudes take out your teeth and forget them on my bedside table.

Oh, and one VERY IMPORTANT requirement: don’t forget your wallet.

If you’re interested, call Gold Diggin’ Ho at 555-1212.”

What? It could happen…

And not dangerous in the way of the excessive 60+ MPH winds or the threat of storm surge and potential flooding. Nope.

Dangerous in the way that idiots think it’s a great time to go out surfing or to just enjoy what the beach has to offer during such miserable weather. THAT kind of dangerous.

Take for instance, 28 year-old Kevin “I’m a F*ckin’ Dumbass” Kearney of Fort Lauderdale, Florida (yup, another Floridian idiot) who thought it would be a fantastic time to go kiteboarding.

God – why didn’t I think of that? Instead, I spent time bringing in patio furniture, securing all loose outdoor objects and stocking up on water and non-perishable food. Shit – I should have hit hit the beaches with my kiteboard instead!

Well, if you haven’t seen the video yet, be warned. It’s pretty violent and will make you grimace with imaginary pain.

So if you ever find yourself in Florida during a tropical storm (or a hurricane – they’re even more fun if you’re a total F*cking moron), you now know what you can do to pass the time.