My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands

Blogging Again! 🌞

2025-07-04T11:02:00.038+02:00

Hello family, friends and gentle souls out there! :)

I’m back. 😁

Lots of stories to share, mostly of how I am healing from agoraphobia and life after many intensive therapies. The blog has gone through a lot of stop & go but I am hoping from here on we will be together until I have written all about life as I have experienced it and wisdoms I have learned, which I feel strongly are worth sharing because they helped me keep moving forward. :)

My blogs will always (from here on!) be written on the go, unfiltered (well 🤣 the pictures won’t be - please allow me….OR better yet : I’m allowing myself to be my own artwork 🖼️🫣😬) ~~and unedited~~. (EDITED: revisiting this post, today 23rd of March, 2026!)

A quick peek on my next blogpost:

If you would like to read the stories behind the pics🤩😍 come back again, soon ~~tomorrow around this time~~ 🤗 !

23rd March, 2026

I am here, rereading again blogs I’ve written from 2011 until last year in Summer.

Here is hoping I can continue blogging here because I love (re)reading them when I need to be reminded, how far I’ve come.

Sadness. Self-Loathing. Self-Healing

2024-03-10T09:38:00.001+01:00

Source:

Daylio App

Dear Reader,

I am in psychological pain. I woke up from a series of disturbing dreams. The dreams included people from my past while I was still living in the Philippines.

Yesterday, I found an article I have yet to read in full.

I saved it on my blog, where I am recording my step by step process to heal and recover from agoraphobia. The article was the first to pop up, after I typed in :

Source : …overcome Self-Loathing

Pain indeed can tell you something if you listen to it and stop ignoring it, pushing it away or distracting yourself away from it.

Source
I made it bigger for myself to aid me in times of dysregulation

Source: Dysregulation

My preliminary diagnosis from the current professional mental health (4th of March) experts I am consulting is : Borderline Personality Disorder. This has been very disturbing and upsetting to me, and this is the first time I am admitting it to myself since I heard it beginning of the week.

Sadness 💙 💭

I have been trying to use the method I learned from YouTuber Heidi Priebe in being with and processing of emotions I usually simply ignore.

This is what I did after I woke up, I was desperately trying to shove away all my emotions and it made me feel worst and started building up more anxiety.

Luckily, Marjon (my therapist from November 2022-December 2023), spoke in my head, and said:

1. Open the door for Little Joanna; let her in.

2. You have it all within You; you can heal.

3. You are strong

4. You are intelligent

5. Have compassion for yourself.

In the throes of yearning for “someone else” to take my pain away, make me feel accepted, nurtured, I became blind to what Marjon kept trying to remind in her most compassionate way the entire year we were together:

I recognize now the source of my sadness: self-abandonment.

Source : Stop Self-Abandonment…

Self-Loathing 🧠 💭

After Sadness, Anger usually follows and that’s one of the emotion, that I am terrified of.

I have tried to articulate it again and again for the past years to the therapists I have seen between 2020-2024.

I don’t remember ever mentioning self-loathing in those talks but now I realize, my anger directed to myself is something I have never truly reflected on. Until now.

I woke up from disturbing dreams about my father taking interest in me processing my sexual abuse trauma in his hamds.

The therapist in the dream was a narcissistic dominant female in the image of all dominant female figures I feared.

I felt helpless, alone, and there was this rage inside me I couldn’t let out.

Source: …Dorsal Vagal Shutdown…

Self-Healing 🧘🏻‍♀️

✨🥰✨👭🏻 💕

This is why I am here, now.

I would like to let out all my emotions the only healthy and helpful way, I know how:

1. Write as honestly as possible about what’s going through my head.

2. Connect genuinely with my inner child by letting her know - I am here now for her. Show her: I get it. It’s up to me to take care of her needs. I will not abandon her, anymore.

👭🏻

So. That’s how my Sunday morning began. I opened the door 🚪 to my Joanna. I am a mom to my daughters and my eldest will be 25 years old in Autumn. I still have a ton to learn to be the mom they deserve. Learning to be good to Little J will take twice as long. Both endeavors are worth living for.

How’s your Sunday morning?

Rumination, Regrets, Resolutions

2024-03-09T15:00:00.002+01:00

Dear Reader,

Today, I am staying in bed out of compassion for myself.

Source : Daylio

Creating the blogsite to write about the history of my agoraphobia, and how I will step by step conquer it has awakened a very strong resistance in my whole being.

Learning what I have learned in therapy and from all the resources out there about this anxiety based disorder, it’s a natural reaction. My body is trying to protect me from what it perceives as me putting myself in grave danger.

Source : Article on Dorsal Vagal Shutdown

I couldn’t sleep last night but thankfully by 2 am mental exhaustion from unending rumination sent me to a slumber filled with series of dreams that woke me feeling I was back in my home country.

Luckily, I was able to process the dreams quicker than I normally could and had a brief but deep moment to appreciate the early morning. The exposure made me promise myself to make more effort in consciously waking up before 7 am. There is something special with being awake between 6-6:30 am.

Caramel, one of our four cats cuddled with me and that helped calm my nervous system.

I asked the young to take care of the groceries being delivered. Afterwards I wrote the older girls to ask when they were coming. Today is their crochet day; I love it that they have a Crochet Club and how they arrange crocheting together to have quality time together.

Source: Daylio

Seeing them and their love, their fondness for each other, and hearings their laughter behind the door fills me with a deep sense of happiness.

Their shared joy together helps me let go of all my shame, regrets that I was not able to seek professional mental help before I became their mother.

2020

I hope to look back to today within any regrets. My resolution is not to judge myself too much for times I let rumination take over completely that I get exhausted and paralyzed. I am doing my best every single day, and I can’t ask my body for more than it can.

How do you help yourself process regrets? Do you catch yourself in ruminations?

Quiet Mind

2024-03-08T13:58:00.001+01:00

Dear Reader,

I feel good to be back, here.

Writing quiets my mind and I feel glad I can once again find solace in this process.

Simplifying my daily blogging is one of my baby steps towards learning to live in the moment. Keeping everything connected and related to blogging (the whole process of it) as simple as possible quiets my mind as well.

Yesterday, I created the blog page project, which I have been contemplating on since I discovered blogging way back in 2006.

It took me 18! 🙈 years to finally *just do it*. In those 18 years I tried hard to convince myself that I will one day share a successful story of how I overcame agoraphobia and share how I did it.

In 2024, I realised (having learned from a lot of other people- experts, fellow human beings on the path of searching for answers, healing & recovery) my story from the beginning is a story of success all along.

The reality of human existence is on its own a magnificent success story.

Source : YouTube Lauren Rose

The Person I Wish to Become

Blogging my daily thoughts and revisiting my past helps me towards seeing clearly who I was, who I am and the person, the human I would like to become.

I would like to be a person with a quiet mind. A human aware of my own being.

A quiet mind, I have learned can be achieved through self-reflection, self-acceptance and true self-love.

By telling my story (to myself mostly!) and sharing it for others to read, I begin to learn more about “being with my emotions”. Being one self quiets the mind.

It’s my self-made exposure therapy.

How about you? What person do you wish to be? What small actions are you doing to be that person?

Paalam; Para Sa Iyo!

2024-03-07T12:51:00.005+01:00

Dear Reader,

I have taken a break from blogging for two weeks. It was unplanned; the feeling of not wanting to share, that everything is pointless and meaningless in the end, that I no longer am excited about what used to excite me and revisiting them to reignite joy just doesn’t work anymore. These thoughts, feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm prevailed and paralysis took over once again.

Is this going to be the cycle of my life? This question plagued me for the last 14 days. Frankly, this has been plaguing me ever since I can remember, or as far back in my life as I can manage to try and remember.

The last time I wrote here, the sun was shining. Today, the sun is shining too after days of cloudiness.

Going back here is intuitive for me.

Without going too deep into all my process, today, I would like to simply say : I am back. Back to blogging. Back to documenting about my learning to live a simple fulfilling life.

Oh! 😃Before I bid you a good day want to share images of what I would have originally blogged last time had I not departed 🙈 abruptly!

Puff Pastry ! 🤤

I will create another blog for my kitchen adventures ☺️

Paalam 🇵🇭 (farewell!) for now.!😊

P.S. the title of the blog is not only created to continue with my ABC blog series theme but also to symbolize me saying farewell to my fears and insecurities about blogging. Para sa iyo 🇵🇭 (for you) means I needed a reminder that this is for me personally. My gift to you is sharing my process in the hopes that I can be part of the human chain spreading hope, joy & peace ☮️

BE the change; all together we can impact the world positively. 🤗 💕

Oh, What A Beautiful Morning!

2024-02-22T11:06:00.004+01:00

Dear Reader,

The sun is shining in Ankeveen! 😄🌞💛

I have not been outdoors on my own for months; 2-3 months, I guesstimate 🤔

View from our bedroom window at 10:58

It’s very long story to tell for another time. I need to briefly write about it though to give you context and understand what this blog is about.

One of the many reasons I am back here is because of my current situation. I struggle with going outdoors and I never truly took the time to address this problem (isolating when I feel stressed). It’s chronic and has affected my life seriously, that I have been getting sickness benefits since Spring of 2021 to help me get into the core of this unhealthy coping mechanism and overcome it.

This week (before it ends!😜😅😆), I would like to go out again, and document about my process. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. So, besides the

ABC my way back to blogging ***, I plan to make short and simple blogposts of my walks. “Daily” is the target 🙈 but the main goal is to reframe my brain 🧠 to see going out as fun and not dangerous.

The brain needs a strong motivation so I will give the blogseries a title Walk On Through To The Other Side, inspired by The Doors’ song Break On Through.

How do you motivate yourself to go outdoors? I will be documenting my motivation in the next 21 days. Walk with me!

*** I have not tagged my posts yet, and will do so in the future; I will compile the ABC 2024 blogposts to make it easier to find them for myself and readers, who stumbles upon them.

Nijntje in the Garden

2024-02-21T14:25:00.004+01:00

The youngest lying in our backgarden, last year May (31.05.23)

Dear Reader,

Yesterday I introduced you to a mobile game I play (Merge Gardens blogpost).

Today I give you a small peek of our back & front garden.

July 2021
We hope to bring back the garden in this verdant state, this year.

Nijntje is better known as Miffy, internationally.

That’s all for today. 😊

Come back next time for more garden, Nijntje and stories behind old family pictures.

Merge Game

2024-02-20T23:42:00.003+01:00

Dear Reader,

Today. I introduce to you a game I have been using to override the business of my brain. This is not a sponsored post. I simply like this mobile game, and witj this (possibly a series!) blogpost begin documenting everything I love about the game.

I like it for many reasons:

1. The Garden theme resonates with me because I would love to spend time in the garden when Spring begins. The visualization of that goal becomes easier through this vividly colored images.

2. The Categorization & Organization - if you’re familiar with merging games, you would know that merging 3-5 of the same objects will create a new object that will go on to create the next object etc.

3. The Completion and Culmination - it takes a while to complete a set but it is very rewarding when it happens.

4. The Puzzles 🧩- in between you could do puzzles. They’re integral to leveling up and getting rewards.

5. The Compliments - at first, I honestly found this part tedious 😝 😆 BUT 😂💕 I grew to love them

6. The Challenge - the puzzles are not always easy and sometimes they’re frustrating because this part of the game obviously are geared to make you watch advertisements.

7. Rewards, Gifts etc

In summary, there are enough source of entertainment in the game.

Next time, I will share about my “egg collection” and creatures in the garden.

Are you playing merge game? Let me know which and what are things you like about it !

Love for Lists

2024-02-19T23:08:00.004+01:00

Dear Reader,

Today is the 12th day in a row, I am showing up for myself using blogging as a tool to help me on my path to (CPTSD) recovery.

Ate soup that I cooked 2 days ago, even if I did not feel like eating. I felt a sense of pride. Even if I asked my middle daughter to warm it up for me, I didn’t feel completely helpless. I can put today - a heavy day - more in better perspective.

A nice motivational quote from Daylio. It’s one of the reasons I love using the app. The quote that randomly pops up almost always resonate with my current state of mind.

The quote above popped up on my Daylio (mood tracking app) after I posted my journal there, a minute ago.

It’s now 22:40 (10:40 pm; I like the military system of telling time, which I got in the habit of doing ever since I‘ve moved to Europe, more than 3 decades ago!) and I dread sleeping because of the return of bad dreams.

Anyway! I am here. Once again helping my brain 🧠 be in a better frame of viewing life, the world, the present and the future.

Whenever I find myself in a dark mindset, and I have more energy that I am able to write (today is not that day 😝 but in the spirit of this blog project I am squeezing 😂 what I can out of my brain!) something positive to lift myself up, I create lists!

I still dream of running another marathon- it would be my fifth. It’s still a very long way towards the starting line of that impossible dream but it’s one of those things that keeps me going.

The list I am making tonight though is not about which marathons I would like to still run but it’s a list of list! 😬

I am refraining from making plans because it’s counterproductive at this point in my recovery. Still, I can create many lists to entertain my mind.

A List of List

1. List of Places I would like to visit in the Netherlands 🇳🇱

2. List of Cakes, Cookies I would like to bake for my family 🍪 🧁

3. List of Filipino 🇵🇭 Dish I would like to cook 🥘

4. List of Running Events 🏃🏻‍♀️ I would love to run again.

5. List of friendship 👭🏻👫🏻 I have which impacted my life positively

6. List of mentors 🤓😎I have had through the years

7. List of silly 😜🥸🥳🤣 things I would do when I have recovered

8. List of poems I would like to memorize by heart

📝 ❤️

9. List of activities/adventures I would like to experience with my beloved P🥰🥰

10. List of experiences I would like to share with my daughters 👩🏻👩🏻‍🦱🧒🏻 💕

What’s on your List of Lists? Let me know when you wrote yours!

KISS

2024-02-18T12:02:00.007+01:00

Dear Reader,

Yesterday was the first blogpost in this year’s series, without any kind of text from me. It was published 1 minute to midnight because I almost decided to stop blogging, again.

Source

Whenever I feel overcome with self-sabotage my brain flashes this acronym: KISS.

So, that’s what I did 5 minutes to midnight.

I didn’t lack anything to write about. But that critical voice in my head was chastising me from day 1 of my return here: you have nothing worthwhile to write and share; you should shut up.

Yesterday, the Critical Voice wore me down. I felt that childlike creative part of me, who craves the simple moments of creation go into shutdown. She disappeared.

Luckily, de gezonde volwassene ( as term therapists taught me ) took over 5 minutes to midnight.

Excerpt from Schema-therapy according to Wikipedia.

Healthy Adult is the mode that schema therapy aims to help a patient achieve as the long-lasting state of well-being. The Healthy Adult is comfortable making decisions, is a problem-solver, thinks before acting, is appropriately ambitious, sets limits and boundaries, nurtures self and others, forms healthy relationships, takes on all responsibility, sees things through, and enjoys/partakes in enjoyable adult activities and interests with boundaries enforced, takes care of their physical health, and values themself. In this schema mode the patient focuses on the present day with hope and strives toward the best tomorrow possible. The Healthy Adult forgives the past, no longer sees themself as a victim (but as a survivor), and expresses all emotions in ways which are healthy and cause no harm.

5 minutes to midnight. It was a close call.

I showed up for myself. This is the core of this year’s blogging and to be honest it’s how I want to continue not only in blogging but in my life.

Keep showing up. For myself.

Keep it Simple, Self!

Je bent, wie je bent

2024-02-17T23:59:00.002+01:00

I like Science

2024-02-16T13:49:00.002+01:00

Dear Reader,

Yesterday, I was Home Alone and very productive.*

Today, I woke up very clear headed at 6:42 am, and felt proud that I fell asleep last night before midnight (23:30ish?) while listening to a sleep meditation.

I got to chat with P before he went off work butfell back asleep without a memory of saying goodbye to him. It was almost 12:00 when I woke up after a very bad dream. I called P (he is off to Belgium) because I missed him and needed to hear his voice to comfort me because the residual discomforting memory of the bad dreams feel like it will dictate my day.

This was my way of taking out a tool in my mental health upkeep toolbox.

I am now almost calm on our couch, watching a podcast of one of my favorite YouTuber filmmaker Dawn aka The Minimalist Mom. She’s with Michael Easter, who will share how Science can help us live healthier and meaningful lives.

Sipping my tea, I contemplated whether I will write what I loosely composed in my head yesterday (how I came to love Science as a child but a series of childhood traumatic events impacted me and my ability to connect to anything besides the subject I excelled im: English).

The bad dream changed my mind. 😝

I am aware in order for me to keep healing I need to process all my traumatic experiences. But today, I would like to be kind to myself. I need a break from processing bad experiences.

My start of my therapy at ACTP (Academic Center for Trauma & Personality Disorder, located in Amsterdam) has been delayed because the therapist in charge of my case, has suffered a concussion.

I feel sorry for him. I tried to not feel ashamed of feeling sorry for myself.

The incident actually helped me focus even more on to the other tools I already learned from my therapist in the Zorgkliniek:

1. Take care of my very basic (physiological) needs. (Maslow’s Pyramid)

Source

2. Activate myself (Polyvagal Theory)

The polyvagal theory: New insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system

This is an article of Dr Stephen Porges, who developed the Polyvagal Theory

3. Do grounding exercises several times a day.

4. Meditate daily.

5. Continue mood tracking.

6. Journal.

7. Cultivate my (inner-circle) relationships.

The day before I started blogging here again, was the day I got the call that I need to wait at least 2 more weeks to know how things will proceed with ACTP.

So, I got on here. I decided to help myself while I am waiting to be helped.

There were a lot of Science stuff that helped changed my traumatized mindset and brought me “here” - I regained back my brain. It’s still a long way to go but Science (amongst others) is there to grasp to when I start floundering.

Also, our cats.

Harry’s meowing made my heavy body feels lighter and I stood up to let him in. He was dried up (rain rain rain ☔️ 😆 just raining 😄 the last days) , fed and now cozied up with me)

Do you like Science? What’s your earliest memory of Science helping you out in your (daily) life?

Home Alone 🏡 💕

2024-02-15T13:16:00.001+01:00

Dear Reader,

Are you excited for the weekend? I am. My family and I will have dinner together and I am looking forward to it.

Pieter is at work, J eldest has moved out of the house (3 years, 2 months ago - she recently moved again, and now living with her boyfriend ), K is at her boyfriends’ place, and M is at school but will be staying with her boyfriend and his family for a few days.

This means, I am home alone 😃 !

I am keeping this blogpost for today short.

There is a video inserted below- I have never done this before (upload a video directly to blogger; I used to do it via YouTube and insert link here) and curious if it will work out!

I am having more fun now with my return to this blog. There are many things I have learned about blogging since 2006, and many things I have learned about myself since then as well.

See you tomorrow!

Good (Morning) Brain!

2024-02-14T10:08:00.005+01:00

EDITED 22:22 (Postscript updated )

Dear Reader,

Happy Valentines Day❣️

As I write these, my brain is rejoicing over these facts:

1. Pieter passionately kissed my semi- conscious self 🥰 goodbye before he set off for work.

2. I have taken my meds before 11:11 (my usual alarm)

3. I slept almost 7 hours, and

4. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t wake up from a very bad dream.

5. With this post, I have blogged 7 days in a row 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

6. I am finding (new) purpose each single day.

7. I truly understand what suicidal ideation is.

8. I am eating breakfast in bed.

9. I am seriously planning on attending a yoga class, Jilly invited me a month ago to join her. (This is a breakthrough for me because of my brain & body’s resistance to plan anything social outside of my family circle. Planning anything worsens my state of mind.)

10. I will get in touch with at least 2 friends, today.

11. My telephone conversation with the insurance doctor of UWV, last Monday.

12. I have conquered my telephone anxiety over answering No Caller ID calls 😂 😆 😝 (it was the UWV insurance doctor ).

13. I am slowly learning about self-trust.

14. I am determined to focus on learning how to love myself.

What 14 thoughts 🧠 💭 did you wake up to?

P.S. ❣️ I have not forgotten what I wrote yesterday- share a blog with details over my 12 Newness project inspired by Beau Miles.

Building a loving relationship with myself moving forward 😄 means - specifically when it’s in connection to blogging! - I will adjust my schedule accordingly and not put myself under unnecessary pressure just because I wrote somewhere I plan to do it at a certain time!

This is not work. 😝

A small reminder to myself ☺️😌 not to sabotage a hobby and tool, that’s been a huge help in the past.

Fun Down Under

2024-02-13T23:36:00.006+01:00

Dear Reader,

Occasionally, I will write blogs that are inspired on the spot.

The Title of this post sets the mood. 😄 I feel lighthearted, ready for silliness and this is almost always how I feel whenever I have seen films from Beau Miles.

I am watching his YouTube playlist “The 12 Days Of Newness”, after I have watched 2 parts from a series of his most latest film project.

Pieter, my partner introduced Beau Miles films to me a couple of years ago. He bought a canoe, and searched for tutorials on making paddles.

Beau Miles is a great story teller! He is a great teacher, too. What made me subscribe to his YouTube channel in all honesty is his passion for running and his filmmaking.

We binged on his films, got inspired by his creativity and enthusiasm.

So! Without overthinking it, I will write down my list of 12 Fun New Things I will try myself, this year:

1. Get My Hair Dyed Blue (December)

2. Watch A Stand Up (August-November)

3. Fill Our House with Balloons on My Birthday (March)

4. Go Dancing With Pieter (May)

5. Have A BBQ get together (July) with Friends

6. Go On a Spontaneous Trip With Pieter (June)

7. Have a Day planned by Jill (October)

8. Have a Day planned by Kim (August)

9. Have a Day planned by Mary (November)

10. Go For A New Year’s Dive (January 2025)

11. Visit a Friend Abroad (February 2025)

12. Have High Tea with The Family (April)

For details of everything on the list, stick around this year! 😁😘☺️

Every Single Day

2024-02-12T13:11:00.005+01:00

Dear Reader,

I am not feeling it today.

5th day of blogging, and it is feeling like a chore.

I am still in bed; I woke up at 10:30 🕥 ish. Heavy body. Mind devoid of motivation and filled with lingering images of bad dreams.

Luckily, I wrote this blog:

Casey Neistat in My Mind - was written to remind myself to ask: what will Casey do, when I feel stuck and cannot or don’t feel like doing ALL The Work to activate myself. 😩

With this year’s blogging though, I would like to compile, document all the resources I have been given, all the knowlegde, tools I have acquired to be able to tell myself: you know what to do, dear Joanna.

You Have It ALL In You.

These exact words are the words my therapist Marjon, said to me in our very first session, and she kindly reminded me the entire year (November 2022-December 2023) I worked with her.

Before any therapy starts, part of the procedure in the Netherlands is answering a set or multiple sets of questions to determine what treatment fits your needs. At the very beginning, when you meet your prospective therapist, you will be asked why you are seeking therapy, what your background is (personal history) and therapy goals are set from the onset.

After hearing my story, Marjon told me that I am very intelligent, resilient and resourceful. A strong survivor.

The unuttered thoughts in my head (which I shared later on with her) as I thanked her for her generous, kind words, were : so, why do I still think of ending my life every single day?

Every. Single. Day.

Let’s fast forward to today: 12th February, 2024.

How am I feeling? How is my suicidal ideation being managed?

I am still learning to manage. I understand suicidal ideation better. My tool box is full.

I’ve had 21 years of working on myself in my belt. The past 5 years, I have seen therapist here in the Netherlands for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. In the last 3 years, I have seen specialists and finally got the correct diagnosis, 2 intensive trauma therapies and one year of therapy that help me : 1) process my first trauma therapy 2) prepare for the second trauma therapy 3) recognize that The Work I need to do to heal, recover and have stability, will be an ongoing part of my life.

Every single day.

Show up.

Be Myself.

Have Fun.

Repeat.

P.S. I got out of bed midway to writing this blog. I wore day clothes, took my medication and sipped a yoghurt drink to start the day (what I hope will animate my stomach to take fuller meal, later!)

Daylio, Divergent, Divorced.

2024-02-11T12:49:00.001+01:00

Dear Reader,

I have 3 confessions, today:

(EDIT : Before I continued with writing I literally had to look up the meaning of “confession” to make sure it’s the word describing how I am feeling.)

Off the cuff blogging

I feel this is not entirely truthful. Off the cuff means no preparations, and when I think - and I do this A LOT 😝- about blogging, I have to admit I have been doing this in my mind even when I stopped blogging.

So. Most of what I have been writing and will write are things that’s been on my mind but was unable to articulate in words and/or I could but cannot face in printed words even as a personal journal.

No monthly blog theme

There isn’t. But at the same time there is.

It’s actually something I did as a child when I was very anxious but didn’t even know what it was I was feeling, or I didn’t know the state I was in had a name.

I either recited my ABCs or I counted, or later on I do ABC but this time I name anything starting with the word A, then B etc.

Before I started the draft for this post, I edited the titles of my 3 previous published blogs, so all of them will now be alphabetical.

There. I said it 😜🤪 my 2024 blogs are again attempt to ABC, and 365 my way to life.

Have Fun

I don’t know how to have fun. Well, at least that’s what my brain 🧠 tells me constantly 🤣

As I write this blog, my inner critic is torturing me. 😆

Part of my 2022-23 therapy process was learning about IFS - Internal Family System. I will write about this next week, Friday- if you know your ABC, you would say: of course it will be on Friday!

I do know how to have fun but I feel I can’t have fun. I feel I cannot allow myself to have fun.

Hence this blog.

Permissions

This return to blogging is me giving myself permission to do many things I somehow withheld from myself.

It’s a very long list, folks! 🙈

Oh! Before I end this blogpost, I wanted to address the title I assigned for today.

It’s a reminder to me to celebrate who I am, what I have accomplished the last 5 years, and to focus on the healing path. The title is almost my subconscious mantra, whenever I become mired in self-doubt. It activates me to move - literally! - and remind me to love myself first & foremost. The title is my permission to just BE.

Daylio - an app I have been using since October, 2019!to monitor my mood stability ; it was also a tool to help me to stay in the present moment and set realistic mini-goals to keep me on track.

(Neuro) Divergent - this is new terminology for me. New not in terms of time or comprehension but more integration in my life.

I screen grabbed articles that seems helpful to illustrate what I myself am still trying to integrate in my consciousness. Defining what I struggle with helps me find tools I can use to self-soothe when my inner critic screams at me and as a result I get immobilized.

Divorced.

Yup.

This story of this process deserves a separate page.

I can’t summarize this saga in my life in one sentence nor use keywords.

Reading the word divorced is both liberating and gut-wrenching.

Defining one self is a challenging task. Is it rewarding? Is it ever definitive? I am finding out answers while I tread the path each day to teaching myself about being human.

Casey Neistat On My Mind

2024-02-10T12:36:00.005+01:00

This blog was inspired by watching Casey Neistat’s most recent YouTube video: Sisyphus and The Impossible Dream & his YouTube interview @ The Diary of a CEO. (all relevant links to be edited in)

Hello dear Reader,

Its 10:50 am, I am still in bed and I had this strong urge to write before I start my Saturday.

Unlike in my previous years of blogging I do not have any monthly theme for February or do I plan to do any theme this year.

What’s it about for me in my New Year of blogging:

1. Show up

2. Be myself

3. Have Fun

4. Repeat

Simple.

Simplicity.

Simplifying.

If someone will ask me, who are you? My short reply would be: I am a simple person with big impossible dreams.

The big impossible dreams defined how I survive a difficult childhood. They arose from my need to escape a reality that was very painful.

In turn, my ubiquitous need for Simplicity powered not only my drive to better myself, my life but stopped me many times from giving up on myself & life all together.

Happy Feet in the Netherlands 🇳🇱 & The Amsterdam Marathon Dreams 2011-2016

Simplifying life is the goal, that made me begin my own blog website in 2011, and eventually to my childhood dream of running and finishing my first marathon in 2012.

2013 is when I learned about Casey Neistat! 11 years later, he still continues to inspire me to:

1. Show up

2. Be Myself

3. Have Fun

4. Repeat

I stopped blogging here in 2015. The last time I blogged @ Happy Feet in the Netherlands is 2017. From 2016 - 2021 the obsession I had with blogging, running, slowly turned to obsession to working so hard that I could afford to study again and finance my other big impossible dreams.

Inevitably, I completely burned out and my mind & body shut down on me. It said: I am tired of literally running after big impossible dreams.

On the 8th of February, 2024, I woke up and made a promise to myself. I promised I am going to take care of myself better.

In 2021-2022, I thought, I had ran out of big impossible dreams. I fulfilled them:

Have A Writing Job

Live in Europe

Have A Family

Be With My Soulmate

Run Marathons (specifically: Berlin, Amsterdam, Paris)

In 2021, I had them all, and I still was in too much psychological pain, that I could not stop thinking of ending my life. In Summer of the same year, after having an 18 year diagnosis of bipolar disorder (consequently also received the treatment, medication etc for it), I was told by specialist that I have no bipolar disorder, nor ADHD (the reason I saw the specialists!) but I have complex PTSD (various untreated childhood & adult traumas)

In November 2022, I began yet another therapy intervention (ACT therapy) . In July, 2023, I had my second intensive PTSD treatment because my therapy showed that the first intensive therapy did not successfully liberate me from my core trauma of sexual childhood abuse.

Quo vadis?

I love that Latin Phrase. My high school Journalism teacher taught me that, when he edited my article for our high school newspaper.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed it’s one of those tools I used to ground myself.

Quo vadis? Where are you going, Joanna? Literally.

I hope towards the steady path of Healing.

After I watched Casey Neistat’s YouTube video, an hour after he uploaded it, I felt euphoria and a sense of belonging. I know that Sisyphus Curse! I live it!

I climb out of depression and regain my life back again and almost at the top of the mountain, that heavy boulder I pushed comes tumbling back towards me and I find myself back in the pit.

Casey Neistat’s video started with a clip of him writing with black pentel pen on a simple sheet of paper.

“I’ve been waiting 17 years to make this.” - Casey Neistat

Last night, before I went to bed, I watched until halfway his interview @ The Diary of a CEO YouTube channel.

The main thing that stayed with me before I decided to take care of myself and finally go to bed (it was past midnight!) was his message : patience - not persistence!- is what he thinks of, when after his impossible dreams.

Today, I woke up with Casey Neistat on my mind, and his word: patience.

Healing is my next big impossible dream. Its where I going. Achieve this impossible dream.

Where are you going?

Becoming 52

2024-02-09T19:52:00.005+01:00

Hello dear Reader,

I am watching a film as I write these words.

Yes. I am one of those modern multiple screen users, I am afraid.

Is this something I am proud of, embarrassed about or even ashamed to admit ? Honestly, I am near ambivalence.

I don’t want to be ambivalent about this or any other things in my life, which are important.

Now if it’s about okras 🫢 , ambivalence may just only be the only precise description I could use! 😬

Seriously, I near that season in my life, when it does matter how I spend my time. It matters a lot, which I give focus on.

In the beginning of Spring, I will be 52 years old.

January 04, 2024

52 years old. 52 years on earth. 52 Springs.

52. I never had passion for Math but I love numbers; just like words I am fascinated but what they represent. What they evoke - a sense of calm & peace.

This is why I gravitated back here. Back to writing. Off the cuff.

Writing brings me calm & peace. Sharing it here keeps me connected not only to myself, to who I truly am but also connected outside of myself, to who I would like to be for others and what kind of human being I would like to be in the world.

As I approach 52nd year of my life, I would like to feel all I could feel as a human being and not filter anything for fear of the range of emotions we human are capable of feeling.

Yesterday, as I ended my blog, I shared that I take selfies/snapshots of things and moments I would like to always remember. Yesterday, I wrote, “I document moments of Happiness…”

The photo above was taken last month. I used a filter for that photograph before I shared it to a group of gaming friends. The documentation of the “moment” took 4 minutes (!!!!) of taking a total of 9 🙈 “spontaneous” pictures.

This was the true “moment” I felt happiness :

Unfiltered.

Was I still genuinely happy on that filtered 9th version of my afternoon of January 4th happy moment? Yes. I was happy in that moment. I was proud of myself after I saw the results of my efforts with editing- how I can make a picture come alive, as if I was an artist with a brush and vibrant choices of colors.

I cannot paint a self-portrait of the moment my being felt depression lifted but I was grateful for how technology allowed me to do my self-expression via another form of art medium.

I am having a much deeper happiness now, though sharing this unfiltered picture. The “nakedness” of the photograph from any single editing or addition of filter feeds my soul, too.

Vulnerability.

Spoiler alert: I will be writing at least 52 more 😅😁☺️ of this kind of reflective HUMAN BEING post.

Thank you 😊 for sharing your time with me! Let me know what number is significant for you? What’s your favorite human emotion besides Happiness?

A Hello. :)

2024-02-08T18:02:00.001+01:00

Hello, dear Readers ! ! !

I wonder if anyone subscribed to this blog will get a notification 😁 Or are you an old friend who got my email notifications that I am blogging, again? Or a social media follower? (Please do let me know in the comment section!)

Today, I woke up around 7:30 am, it was still dark outside; it took a while to orient my eyes to my surroundings, after removing my sleeping mask. Sleeping mask is now a necessity to my sleeping routine.

When I woke up, I did not have this thought: you know what? Let's publish a blog today, at my old blog website buried in almost a decade of proverbial pixel dust and cobwebs.

It took a lot of hours before I got out of bed - the reason would be in another blog 👽🙈. It was after lunch to be specific, in case I piqued your curiosity. What made me get out of bed is the clear purpose for this year : write blogs, again!

I remain the same old me: off the cuff and mostly sharing (almost always unedited! 😂) stream of thoughts.

You might ask, uhm it's the 8th of February, the "new year" is more than a month old. Again, I remain the same old me: unconventional, and I still follow my own tune. My new year can begin at any time I say to myself, today your New Year begins. 😍

So. What's next? I will be writing. Writing and sharing. Writing, sharing and hopefully, you will leave me a comment, here and there and we can do some communicating through this blog. Or write me a message 😊 via any platforms we are connected.

I leave you with an old photograph from a holiday, almost 4 years ago. I forgot about this photo/selfie. I document moments of happiness either through words or snapshots. This was a very happy moment. If you want to know more about the story behind the picture, stick around :)

Snapshot from a weekend in June 2020 (Egmond)

Flevoland (MDMNL AtoZ Challenge 2015)

2015-04-07T17:45:00.000+02:00

Have you read my brief introduction to this challenge?

If not, here is the link: Introducing HFNL A to Z Challenge 2015

My personal blogging theme for this year: the places I have been in the Netherlands.

At Happy Feet in the Netherlands (HFNL), I'll be writing about the places (which is not only limited to city, towns or villages but may also include restaurants, stores - places we go for hikes, where we sailed, or a special spot etc.) from the perspective of a runner.

The blogs here @ My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands on the other hand will be from a perspective of an expat, mom, traveler, writer, who seeks to simplify life.

Today, "we go to" : Flevoland, specifically to the waters of Lelystad: Markermeer.

Unedited pic of Mijn Liefste P
taken at the sailing club, last week 31st of March
after we brought our youngest daughter to the doctor

Last weekend, the sailing season officially began at the new harbor of our sail boat: Sail Drifter 25 (we still have to give it a new name, so for the mean time I refer to it by this name).

We were not there because we decided to have a quiet Easter weekend at home.

But we are very excited to sail in Markermeer from the new home of our sail boat.

A collage of pictures taken last (July) Summer 2014

Markermeer
from Grashaven, Hoorn
the old home of our sail boat

Markermeer
seen from Hoorn

Markermeer
our oldest @
Jachthaven Naarden
taken August, 2014

Markermeer
seen from Naarden

Hope you enjoyed the pictures above, and if you would like to follow our sailing adventures, please check out @ Sail Drifter 25 blog.

We welcome name suggestions! The family is still not completely one with a new name. But hopefully before Spring ends we have a new name!

You could send suggestions via comments, or via the email : saildrifter25@gmail.com.

If you are on Facebook, you could also follow the FB page, which my husband set up to connect with other sailing enthusiast: Drifter 25 "Petroesjka". Petroesjka is the name the former owners gave the boat. Feel free to send a private message, there OR leave a comment. My husband will be replying to you.

BTW, if you are wondering where blogs C-E are - a very short explanation can be found: here.

Hope you are enjoying, the A-Z blog challenge!

FYI on A to Z blog challenge

2015-04-07T12:44:00.000+02:00

Hello, readers and fellow A to Z bloggers!

I'm still very much in the A to Z blog challenge but (due to personal reasons - blog link to follow) I have been lagging behind, and have not been able to publish my 3 blogs (C-E are still in draft mode).

Just in case you're wondering where they are after reading F - Flevoland, this is my FYI post! :)

image courtesy of
A to Z Challenge 2015

They will all be up one by one in the next days.

Hope you all had a great Easter weekend.

Wishing a great new week for everyone!

Couch (MDMNL AtoZ Challenge 2015)

2015-04-03T23:52:00.000+02:00

Have you read my brief introduction to this challenge?

If not, here is the link: Introducing HFNL A to Z Challenge 2015

My personal blogging theme for this year: the places I have been in the Netherlands.

The blogs here @ My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands on the other hand will be from a perspective of an expat, mom, traveler, writer, who seeks to simplify life.

Today, "we go to" : our Couch. Yup. You read it right!

Have you read my
"Couch" blogpost
@Happy Feet in the Netherlands?

P bought this couch in 2003.

4 years later we met.

This couch has - as ridiculous as it may sound! - "played" a huge role in our time together.

2013

A few weeks after moving into our yet unfinished and not completely renovated house.

The couch or "Chilla Couch" as we fondly call it helped make us feel at home.

Cuddling on the couch is the best!

18th of August, 2010

Being read while sitting on couch follows second...

For the A-Z challenge, I'll keep this post short and will post a continuation to this topic, soon after the blog challenge has been completed.

Hope you liked the "sneak preview"! :)

What's the story with your couch?

published from draft mode:

8th of April, 2015

00:12

(Spiegel- en) Blijkpolderplas (MDMNL AtoZ Challenge 2015)

2015-04-02T13:42:00.000+02:00

Have you read my brief introduction to this challenge?

If not, here is the link: Introducing HFNL A to Z Challenge 2015

My personal blogging theme for this year: the places I have been in the Netherlands.

The blogs here @ My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands on the other hand will be from a perspective of an expat, mom, traveler, writer, who seeks to simplify life.

Today, "we go to" : (Spiegel -en) Blijkpolderplas.

I'm sharing an image (the one at the very top), which was originally posted for the A to Z challenge April 2011: Thoughts of Travel! (23rd of April)

The two other images, where you could see the silhouettes of my family, were taken on the same evening but was not shared here before.

I ran last Monday (30th of March) past this lake but I did not stop to take pictures. I could have taken dramatic pictures of the water but I resisted because I was afraid I might stay there longer than I should (I was on a mission to run 30+ km!).

Today, I will be running by it again, this time a short run so I will take pictures, which you will see later on, tonight @ Happy Feet in the Netherlands (HFNL).

Do you like watching sunsets by the lake? I would love to watch a sunrise by this lake with my family this year. Wish me luck?! :)

do 2 apr. 14:14

Ankeveen (MDMNL AtoZ Challenge 2015)

2015-04-01T12:46:00.000+02:00

“I like this place and could willingly waste my time in it.”

― William Shakespeare

I took this photo during a run in November, 2014.
Although not in Ankeveen (Spanderswoud is the woods parallel to our village)
this place inspired my theme for this year's A to Z blog challenge.

Have you read my brief introduction to this challenge?

If not, here is the link: Introducing HFNL A to Z Challenge 2015

My personal blogging theme for this year is the places I have been in the Netherlands.

The blogs here @ My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands on the other hand will be from a perspective of an expat, mom, traveler, writer, who seeks to simplify life.

Today, "we go to" : Ankeveen.

A Wayback Wednesday image!

Behind me is the Hollandia, the windmill landmark
near the entrance of our village.

I remember at this time how I begun settling completely in Ankeveen, 2 years after we moved.
Feeling lucky that we live somewhere, where people come to relax and have their holidays.

If you've been following this blog since it began, then you would have read about our village: Ankeveen, a lot of times, and the images I will be sharing will be familiar to you. It's a great opportunity to travel back on memory lane with this blog challenge!

I've mentioned @ Happy Feet in the Netherlands, that moving to Ankeveen was the jump start my slumbering running passion.

The first few years after we moved in the Netherlands, I took more pictures than I have ever taken in the total years of my life. It kept me sane amidst the craziness that goes with moving to a new country (yet again!).

Writing the stories, that went along those pictures - initially on my anonymous blogs, later on my personal Facebook account, and finally here - was what made me focus on the positive rather than dwell on the negatives of life as an expat.

Are you still living where you were born, or have you lived in many other countries?

do 2 apr. 13:20