My Dance with PCOS

as if PCOS wasn't quite enough.

2011-03-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

Rather than beat around the bush.. I'll get right to the point. I had a grand mal seizure about two and a half weeks ago. I'm okay, well.. physically at least as of now. I don't remember anything about it, just being put in the back of the ambulance and crying when they said 'Do you know what happened?' I could see my mom crying outside the ambulance. I said shakily, 'no?' They replied simply, 'you had a seizure and we're going to take you to the hospital now.' Oh, perfect. How exciting. Tears just streamed down my face and I wasn't even sure why. Probably just emotional. Apparently, I was working on my mom's car (which, I remember) and sitting on a low stool (thank god) and I just started looking up into the sky and smiling. My mom was inside the car, cleaning it out and asked what I was looking at. I didn't respond. Then, the partial seizure turned into a full blow convulsion episode. Like I said, I don't remember anything. Which, in retrospect is probably for the best I suppose.

Long story a bit shorter, after the hospital I went to see a neurologist. At the hospital they checked my blood sugar [it was okay], did a catscan [it too, was fine] and checked my blood work in general [WBC count was elevated, typical after a seizure]; EKG fine as well. The ER Dr put me on Keppra, which I am still on now.

Oh, and he said.. 'oh yeah! No driving.' And discharged me.

A fun fact. I quit the recovery center job because I was SO over waiting around, about a week before the seizure or so. It happened on a Saturday at 11:45. I had to be at work EVERY Saturday at noon, I would leave the house at 11:30. I would have been killed, killed someone or both. I'm still shaken up about that. It's not a stretch, either considering when I quit I was scheduled for that Saturday at 12:00.

The neurologist is pleasant enough. A chubby older man with a jolly disposition. I went to have an MRI at his request, because MRIs show much, much more in the ways of cancers, lesions, what area of the brain was effected.. that sort of thing. I always thought catscans were pretty darn accurate and as it turns out, they aren't. I haven't heard the results of the MRI yet and I'm slightly nervous, but what good is that going to do? I have an EEG or something like that on the 14th of this month. I will get the results from the MRI and the EEG on that date. The EEG is where they stick electrodes on your head and really, really measure your brain waves. It can also diagnose things even the MRI can't. So after all this, we will know 100% what's up in there.

Now, I am taking Ultram for my back pain which I requested from my ortho because I didn't want to be on high narcotics like the percocet anymore. Well, a side effect of the Ultram I noticed after my seizure was: seizures. More common with ultram than other pain pills. WTF? I thought it barely had any narcotics in it, at least that was what I was told and why I switched in the first place. Also, it says: seizure risk is increased in those with metabolic disorders. Now fancy that! Guess what PCOS is? A metabolic disorder. And, no one's caught this? Just me? I know I am my own advocate for my health and I will undoubtedly look farther into anything than a Dr will for me personally but this crap was in no way difficult to find. In no way. Maybe 3-5 minutes of searching. And, while on the subject of that apparently seizures are common in PCOSers, or at least not uncommon. As are heart problems? Fantastic.

So, no driving for 3 months. I'm halfway through that now, so another month and a half. But, that's only if I'm seizure free for the next couple months. Apparently, every 3 months (3, 6, and 12ish) you go seizure free the more likely it was a fluke thing, which also isn't uncommon for people between 25-35 years old. This is also pending they find no reason why I had it upon further inspection of my ol' brain and the MRI results.

Oh, and the Keppra? It's making me insane.

Hope all is well with you all, Happy Monday? Yeah *&^% today. [purely a side effect of this ****-ass drug Keppra. I'm severely unmotivated and couldn't care less about anything. I can't wait to get off this crap!!]

But seriously, I do hope you're all doing well. I will tend to my little corner of the blogosphere more often than I have been. <3

i love this blog AWARD!!

2011-02-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

Wow!! How cool am I? Apparently, one person thinks I'm just about as neat as I think she is!! A fellow PCOSer and fellow PCOSesque blogger (check her out here !!) awarded me a nifty little award called: I Love This Blog Award (dang, that's a lot of 'award' mentioned in a short amount of space)!! I'm so very honored, surprised and totally excited! So thank you so, so much! :)

I went back and forth and back and forth again, flip-flopping on what sort of blog I wanted in the beginning. I'm glad I chose to (typically) write about PCOS and it's crappy way of trying to take over your life. I, too (like the girl who awarded me) find some kind of solstice in the fact that we are a strong network of not so out of the ordinary girls, and even though I haven't met a lot of people who read this blog it still makes me feel good to know there are other PCOSers out there reading my writing (silly as it may be) and maybe feeling a bit better about their own situation or at least relating to mine! When first started checking out PCOS online I came across a message board called SoulCysters. First off, it's a damn cute name. But I really liked the implication of sister. It makes me feel so much stronger.

So this is how the award works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving.
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award!

7 things about ME:

1. When I put lotion on my arms, I can't just rub it around until it's absorbed. I hardly have any arm hair, but the hair that is there can't be swirled around haphazardly. It has to lay down, and in the same direction. OCD, I suppose? :\
2. I've never owned an automatic vehicle and it scares me to think of driving one. I screech around corners because I'm not used to braking heavily (normally, I'd just downshift!)
3. I sometimes have conversations with my dog when no one is home?
4. I love to knit, but I know only one stitch, can't 'finish off' a row, and have no idea how to make anything.
5. After watching karate/hand to hand combat movies--either in the theater or home--I tend to feel slightly empowered after watching it. Like I somehow just learned some gnarly kung fu and could actually put it to use. I usually throw a few mock punches at whoever I'm with in the theater (i.e: Sebastian) and he admittedly has the same problem of feeling much cooler than he is after watching these movies. So, we joke around and kick and punch out way out of the theater and into the car: but really... we feel uber cool when we do it.
6. Something that makes me more excited than it should: the idea of being able to spend an enormous amount of money (limitless!!) on restocking my entire kitchen. And remodeling it so it can hold way too much in the way of gadgets and food, glorious food! Not packaged things, but a goal of mine is to be able to make anything.. literally anything.. and not have to go to the store and buy 95% of the meal. I want tubs of different grains and flours.. the works. It makes me smile and brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
7. Damn, 7 things aint easy.. that's for sure. Not sure if this qualifies but, I thoroughly enjoy my coffee (and tea for that matter) with cream and sugar and black. It flip flops each day. I personally don't think it's odd at all, but other than the hubby I've never met anyone that enjoyed both equally. You're usually one or the other, apparently.

Well.. this shall conclude my Sunday morning post!! Thanks again for reading, and thank you for the award!!! I feel like a star....

;)

fertile myrtles everywhere!

2011-02-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

This post title was brought on by a fellow PCOS blogger bud's recent post... it's true, too. Maybe it's a bit like buying a new car. I bet you never noticed so many of whatever you drive--until after you'd bought it..

Being faced with fertility issues, I think it's almost instinctual to notice all the pregnant people from you group of close friends, extended friends on ol' Facebook, to strangers on the street. You want to scowl and maybe throw something at them. At least I find I do sometimes. Maybe even run up and kick them (lightly?) in the shins and storm off. As if it's somehow someone else's fault I have difficulty conceiving. I know it's irrational, and for the most part I am genuinely happy for those that are currently pregnant or new parents. I suppose I'm just jealous that I'm not.

I know I shouldn't feel the way I do and that's why I don't say anything (or kick strangers in the shins). I mentioned on a post (on that same PCOS blogger bud's recent post) earlier that at work this week I had said my stomach hurt and I was just really tired, when a co-worker asked how I was. There were three people there and one said 'Oh! You must be pregnant!' the second said 'Yeah! You've been married a while.. you should be pregnant!!' the third agreed. My jaw almost hit the floor. How rude, I thought. But, was it really? I mean.. I would never say anything like that to anyone. Just not knowing their situation, from situations like mine to maybe just not wanting children. I can also safely say that even before I knew I had PCOS, I never said things like that. Maybe my feelings on it have deepened a bit, but even still.. I never pried into personal subjects like that with people, especially people I hardly know. And when I say 'co-workers'.. I mean people I rarely see and/or interact with. Of course I didn't say anything, because I clearly knew they didn't do it maliciously.. but I do wish people would have more sensitivity when talking about things like that. Half of me wanted to be blatantly honest and laugh and say, 'Oh no.. that's nearly impossible. I can't have children without assisted reproduction and an endocrinologist. Besides, I had a miscarriage in December.. so we can't start a cycle until my body recovers from that!' Oy vey. I just wish people would think sometimes, yanno?

On that note.. that's pretty much it around here. I know I've said it a million times, but I'm saying it again: I will be on my second month of BC pills since the MC.. starting Thursday. I will have to get a refill in a couple months, I think. I want to take time off (a) to see WTF is going on with the store, (b) to give my body 'time' to recover from the MC and to really get used to the Metformin (which should reduce my MC rate dramatically: to that of a 'normal' woman), and (c) I want to lose as much weight as I can.. even if I don't need to lose a ton. I can't really gain more than 15 pounds when I get pregnant, and I have not... and I mean NOT been on a low carb 'diet.' At all! And I'm supposed to be watching carbs/sugar. So, I need to get that whole thing on track.. pronto. I would think about 5 months out from here would be the best time to try again. My body would be in sync with my PCOS pills, I could lose 25-30 pounds and really work on a lower carb and sugar lifestyle to safeguard against gestational diabetes. Ugh. No bueno..

Well kiddos.. that's it for now. I hope this post finds all of you happy and healthy. Ciao!

life updates!

2011-01-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

Since we're not TTC and I'm pretty much over everything baby related (for the time being)--I haven't blogged much. But, TTC isn't the only thing going on worth blogging about in my life, right? So what gives? Well, as we all know and we're all sick of hearing (myself included), store drama has left my mind, my wits and my patience pretty much fried. I will have to go over my last post about the store but if my memory serves me well (it rarely does), I'm sure that I went over everything again... in great detail. So, my mom and DH keep asking 'have you heard anything?' in regards to the store and of course the answer is, as always: No. Nothing. Nada. I finally caved and late last week I wrote a letter to M (the owner of the rehab facility)--a very well written letter, at that. And I don't mean my writing style or grammar, I mean it was so tactfully written and re-written that it seems innocent enough of a letter. Basically, again as I'm sure I've mentioned, the current loser owner of the store (R) has been stringing me along (duh) for months and what R has said of M has been less than credible in my eyes mostly just because R instills zero confidence in me and I trust nothing he says or does. So! In an effort to get this shit over and done with and get R to get the eff out of my store, I wrote a letter to M that hinted at things and some bullet points of what I would do if/when the store was mine. I never once mentioned R's name or how he runs (or doesn't run in this case) the store. I never once mentioned anything negative. In fact, the whole letter was completely positive and went on to say that I was very excited to be considered for the role of the store owner in the (*rehab name*) family. Oh, and btw.. I know it's terribly annoying and ridiculous that I have to abbreviate everyone's name in regards to the rehab and can't technically even say the name of the actual facility. I just want to make doubly sure that everything remains quiet, since it is AA, NA, etc.. and I can't legally call anyone out. Plus, there is enough drama (BELIEVE ME)--I don't need to make it worse by having my blog pop up when someone types in M's rehab establishment. Yeah, that would be a disaster. I was planning on C&P'ing the letter I wrote, but there are so many literal references to the place and all that mumbo jumbo, that I think it best to just throw out a couple paragraphs:

'.. I have plans for the ____ store. They aren't overly drastic, but they are changes that I feel would be beneficial if implemented in the future of the store. I plan to open the store regularly from morning to night--with the exception of being closed during the clients' meetings/groups as required by ____ regulations. With daily hours in place, I feel the clients would be able to depend on the store and would be more apt to shop in-house as opposed to having family bring the things we already sell at the store. Along with more guarenteed hours, I think it would be in the store's best interest to offer more merchandise in general. From shampoos, deoferant and shower shoes to more of a variety in foodstuffs (granolas, fruits, frozen foods, etc). I also plan on lowering the prices to accomodate all budgets so that it's not only more convenient to shop the ____ Store, it's also more economical. I think with the price reduction, the store's overall business would increase and we would make up profits in volume. It's a small detail, but I would also like to make flyers with the stores hours, all of my contact information (or business card attached), other store details such as products offered, special order request guidlines and things of the like to give to new clients so they know what to expect and can take advantage of the store's offerings. Another small detail often overlooked would be a comment box. ____ clients are our only customers. They need to be happy and feel their suggestions, opinions and comments are heard. There is always room for improvement and plenty of things we hadn't thought of carrying in the store before. Who better to ask than those that are spending their time and money in the store?'

Another paragraph... then the closing paragraph:

'... I want nothing more than for your decision of who runs the store in the future to be an easy one for you and your family, one that you feel confident in with no regrets. If I've left anything out that would help make this decision easier on you, or you simply have a few questions for me, please don't hesitate to call or visit me in the store!

Best,

(name, address, numbers, email)

first excerpt de-coded:
The store is currently opened very, and I do mean very randomly. Typically, like you all know, 2 hours total a day. 12-1 and again from 5-6. Considering also that they have lunch from 12-1230 and dinner from 5-530 that leaves them 30 minutes, 2x a day to shop. Brilliant! I should also add that this is very, very unusual. The store used to be open with all previous owners (and even R up until the past 6 months) 3x a day for at least 3 hours at a time. At least. So, first point goes to me, for stating REGULAR business hours that would also be posted (they are currently not posted at all) in a flyer which would hold the store accountable for those posted hours.
My statement of '... I feel the clients would be able to depend on the store...' is a huge deal, too. The word on the streets (aka, the rehab) is the clients hate, hate, haaaate the store. At a time that they are truly in need of some stability (and let's face it, a constant supply of cigarettes, ice cream and candy).. they have none. Stability is a huge deal in this strange little field. So we have guaranteed hours: check. The variety of food is also key, since I've seen M waltz into the store and stare blankly at the empty shelves and comment on how there was no variety, how he was diabetic and couldn't eat any of this 'crap.' So, I was sneaky and threw in the variety of food. Ha!
And lastly... the prices. Ohhhh, the prices. Since I've been there (5 months or so), cigarettes have gone from $7 a pack (at the time, he paid $4 including tax per pack) to $8.75 a pack (he now pays just under $5 a pack, including tax). A cup of noodles is $1.50. You know, the ones that are quite literally ten cents at the grocery store? Yeah.. $1.50. Sodas are $1 which doesn't seem terrible until you realize the vending machines at the Center are all .75 a soda. Candy is typically $1 and it's .75 in the vending machine. So, usually the clients will come in and take their money off the books (you can't really carry $$ on you there, so they keep it in the safe in the office or on the store 'books') and go buy crap out of the machines because it's cheaper. How stupid! Why are we competing with vending machines? We'd make a killing if we were just the same price-wise and open daily. But I digress. The comment box bit is because R has blatantly refused to carry what people request--even if plenty of people request the same thing. He hates listening to the clients and calls the 'whiney' all... the... time. Which is awful, IMO. The contact info bit is because no matter who calls, R never answers his phone. In fact, in the rehab directory--my name has recently replaced his. A detail M would never know, but still makes me feel good.. unless I'm called at 11:00p because R was supposed to work (told me to take the day off)... and didn't show up. Which has happened twice in the past week.

I'll wrap this up!

second excerpt de-coded
Of course I have asked around about M, since he's so elusive. And of course, I've asked only the few people that I trust and that have been there since the center opened. M is a typical man (sorry boys) and likes to feel he is calling the shots even if he isn't. He is big on family (in fact, it's family owned and mostly family in all the key positions). So that was my reasoning with the statement on making the decision on him and his family easy and making sure it's the right one. Lastly, the whole purpose behind the letter was to let him know that the preverbial ball was in his court. Which, according to R... that's the hangup. M wanted to wait until after the new year to talk about the store. I personally think that sounds absurd. If someone doesn't want to be there (R) and you have someone willing, ready and chomping at the bit to make the store better than ever before, why would you wait? Plus, remember when I said M came in that day 2-3 weeks ago and said 'Welcome aboard! Great to have you... I just need to see your business license and then we're good to go.'??? So yeah.. I think my letter rocks. I'm expecting and half-hoping for him to call or stop by and say 'I got your letter... and thank you. It helped me get to know you a bit better and to see your goals on paper... But, I thought it was already decided and I was just waiting on your business license?..'

And then I could look confused and go on about how R had said that M wanted to wait, etc etc. Mwahahha---ha.

At least that's what's going on in my head. Let's see if it pans out. I gave the letter to M or to M's assistant on Friday, which I know.. I know.. was New Years Eve. I knew he wasn't there. Nor would he be there over the weekend, and since the man has little to no schedule over there.. who the eff knows when he'll even get the letter. Or if he will, depending on how long it sits around in that office with inquiring minds lurking about. But! I will be following up with him on Friday, even if it means I have to call and make an appointment.

Sorry so long.. maybe if I wrote more often.. they wouldn't have to be so painfully long and hard to get through.. ;)

store crap.

2010-12-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

So today was painful. As I know you're sick of hearing, I've had it up to here with this buying the store, not buying the store mumbo jumbo from the current owner. I gave them a deadline of this Friday with a meeting we were scheduling for today. He came in to get a list of supplies to go buy before he went to the store.. and he brought up the sale of the store right then and there. Which caught me off guard as I figured he'd want his wife there, too.

Anyway--his words, and I quote, 'Hey.. regarding the store: it's a go. As in, like, today.. or tomorrow. I'm ready. I just need to talk to _______ (the owner of the facility, we will call him M from now on).' I'm sure my brows rose and my eyes widened. I replied with a 'Sure.. sounds great..' because as always, I'm not letting his words get my hopes up when his words are meaningless to me these days.

No sooner had I finished my sentence, and he was on his way out the door saying he'd be right back after talking with M. I think I audibly uttered a 'wow...' At the same time, my skepticism of him got the best of me while he was gone all of 15 minutes. 'Yeah, right.. ' I thought. 'He's just outside smoking a cigarette... I know it.. what a douche.' In the minutes he was gone talking with M, I was thinking about how I was going to tell him that once we sit down with M, however brief, go over rent and my ownership of the store, have R (current owner) sign some informal paperwork---then the money would exchange hands from myself to R.

When he returned, he said it had gone well. That he had told M he just couldn't swing a profit with the store because he was out of town, had other business to attend to and couldn't pay someone to be here all the time (yours truly), and that he had decided it was time to move on. Apparently, M had agreed and said that he just needed to see my business license (which is fine, and to be expected) and we could go from there. Still doubtful, I just nodded, smiled and said 'Great!' And low and behold, who comes bounding into the store, breathless and bug eyed as he usually scampers by daily? M...!? He says, 'Hey.. yeah, so R talked to me and said you're going to be taking over the store here soon and I just wanted to let you know we talked, everything is great and we're glad to have you,' while extending a hand for that business deal sealing man-thing. 'I just need to see your business license.'

Well butter my buns and call me a biscuit. No kidding? Wow. I must've looked stunned. I shook his hand, and said 'Yes, of course.. I will get that to you ASAP.. Thank you very much! I'm so excited to be here and to be a part of the team.' With that, he was gone and back to his cave of an office. Now I was convinced. I called the hubby and mom.

BUT.. oh yes.. there's always a big, fat BUT(T) somewhere in the saga of this store buying nonsense, isn't there?

When I get back at 3:30p for the second shift, R is there finishing up delivering the supplies. I say hi. He says.. 'Yeah.. so I got an email from M's sister..' So? Why would I care? I didn't say this, but I thought it. He says, 'All it said was: We need to talk. I will call you tomorrow.' Fantastic... who is this sister? Either way.. she doesn't sound thrilled about something. R proceeds to tell me about how the sister is somewhat of a silent partner in the business and when he first started the store in his name, he had an 'interview' with M and then the final interview (clearly the approval interview; the one that counts) with the sister. Super.

I will wrap this up quick like. Even though R and myself have been talking about this for months, literally months, today was the first day he mentioned it to M. So believe me, I do understand the apprehension. And, if the sister is a big part in the decision making process I can also understand her frustration with both M and R on not being included in the decision. After all, I've never even met the woman. Who also happens to be a prominent LA attorney. In the papers, in books.. the whole bit. So naturally, she wants to know everything about me and my intentions with this place: All understandable. Does this make me any less pissed the ____ off? Um.. no. Because, no matter how you look at this I've been jerked back and forth countless times and I'm sick and tired of the bullshit to be frank. All of this falls on R as far as I'm concerned. He should have taken the initiative and spoken to M the second he told me he was interested in selling and that he was selling to me (3 months ago), so that this wouldn't come as a surprise to anyone involved. I know M and his sister are very selective with staff and therefor with the store owner as well, but I also know that M knows me well enough as I have been there 7 days a week for the past 4 months, give or take. So if they're 'okay' with the sale, there is no doubt they are 'okay' with me since they have had nothing but compliments in regards to me. So he's told me. That's a huge plus. It's just this sister that I'm nervous about. M had the administrator call R later in the day (because M has no balls, apparently) to tell R that this was all a lot to take in and that M had jumped the gun on approving the whole thing, but not involving his sister and that after the holidays we would revisit the sale and go from there.

*$#!@*&^!!! Am I right?! Maaan. I suppose I'll stick it out. It's silly not to. And in the meantime, it's not like I'm not getting paid to be there and I honestly enjoy helping the clients and the interaction with them. It's really them I'm there for. And maybe myself, indirectly. I can't tell you how many people have come into the store to talk to me, unload their problems and seek my advice. And a few girls that come in crying because they know I'll give them a hug and tell them everything will work itself out just fine. And it will. I love the feeling of making a difference, no matter how small.. in a person's life. It's very rewarding work and it helps me appreciate my life and those in it even more.

On that note.. positive vibes, people. Positive sell-me-your-friggen-store-vibes. Send 'em my way.

next cycle.

2010-12-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

It was strange. I hadn't felt like we lost anything until my Dr appointment. My Dr came in in do initiate my date with 'Wandy' (thanks, BtB!) but first wanted to say she was sorry for our loss and that it's hard to know why we lose pregnancies and so on. I hadn't really referred to the miscarriage as a loss. I'm not entirely sure why, either. Probably because I knew it was a possibility, maybe even that it was likely it wasn't going to pan out the way we wanted. Maybe I was just being a little clinical like I'm known for in all aspects. I'm just to scientific and factual when it comes to things. I wish I weren't, but I am.

Anyway. I thought I was going to cry when she started with the sad faces, touching my knee sweetly, and melancholy tone of 'loss.' Thankfully, the pregnancy hormones had subsided by then. Otherwise I would have been bawling, or screaming.. or who knows, maybe even angry! With this PCOS thing for me personally, I don't have an excess of testosterone more so a lack of any estrogen and female hormones. Which would explain my lifelong calm demeanor and my 'even' attitude--for the most part. Basically, I'm not at all used to my emotions getting the best of me or even having a bearing on how I act like I feel. It's been hell with the birth control pills, too. I'm actually getting a period, so I'm actually getting outwardly emotional. I guess I feel like a real girl, which is kind of scary. Sometimes I wonder if Sebastian will get freaked out and run away! ;)

Well, I think that's about it for today. Oh! Wait.. actually, I forgot to say what the title of this post implies. What's happening for the next cycle. Like I've mentioned a million times (or at least 2 or 3), we are planning on waiting closer to the 6 month mark to try again. My Dr said to give it 2 months on BC pills and to wait for my period the next month, so essentially: 3 months from now. And this round we are supposed to do a fertility injection meds 'booster' shot before I start my Clomid in hopes to produce more than 1 egg. The only thing that scares me a little (okay, more like.. scares me to death) is the fact we did get pregnant our first cycle with the Clomid alone, it was just unsuccessful. You only need one egg, and we only had the one and it was fertilized. What happens if we have 3 or 5 mature eggs? I know that broadens our chances, but from the looks of this cycle, I'm the PCOSer that just doesn't ovulate, I seem to have no problems at least getting pregnant (tidbit: 1 in 5 normal pregnancies result in miscarriage. PCOS brings it to 3. I'm on metformin so that lowers my risk to that of a normal woman, 1 in 5).

I cannot have triplets.

Period. It can't happen. I don't want triplets--at all. Then again, who does? The twins--I know this is a possibility, and I think I can do the twins.. it will be a struggle, no doubt. But I think I can manage that. I really want 1. But, I suppose that's idealistic. I'm thinking of telling her when the time comes that I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of having 5 mature eggs when the 1 was fertilized last cycle. What if all 5 are? Just kill me. I can't even think of that.

So what do you guys think? Like I've said, I trust my Dr completely. If she thinks this is the way we'll have a successful pregnancy, then I think so as well. I just have a gut feeling that we should try once more with just the Clomid and see where it takes us. The same thing could happen, just get one egg and there could be something wrong with that egg like this last one... but, if it did happen the next cycle (another MC) and she said that the more eggs we have, the more chances they will survive--I would do the injections. I just feel like the clomid worked, my egg didn't.. not the drugs. And if my chances of having 2930824 babies is lower with just the Clomid--I think I like that.

Thoughts?

ultrasound 12-7..

2010-12-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

So I called Dr Chen this morning and they said to nix the blood work (thank goodness) but that I should come in tomorrow morning at 8:30 because she wants to do a urine pregnancy test and to do an ultrasound to make sure there's nothing there.

A transvaginal ultrasound sounds faaaantastic right about now. Ha..

I will keep you posted. I am sure everything is alright. Fingers crossed that everything is on its way out and I won't need a DnC. That sounds much worse than the freaking ultrasound. Oh, and I need to start on those glorious birth control pills, Apri when this period-thing is over.

On a brighter note, I found a carton of Marlboro Lights in the cupboard at work which means I don't need to go buy cigarettes for at least a few days... for the store, not me. Nothing is worse than working a store in a rehab when you're out of cigarettes, let me tell you!! Wa-hoo! One less trip I have to make on my daily 60 miles of driving. You know you're getting frustrated with where you work when you start counting miles that you drive each day. Mind you, it's not like I work 30 miles from my house. No, I work 12 miles from home. But as I mentioned in a rant post a week or so ago, I go into work twice a day, so 24 miles there and back--twice. That's 48. And another 12 for taking Sebastian to work and back home in the mornings. We really need another car. This time next year we should have had a new car for a few months. I really want that Cadillac SRX Crossover or a CTS wagon, but we'll see. We decided a while ago that we wanted a new Volvo XC90 (the SUV) or Subaru Forester 2.5XT Touring edition/Outback Limited edition. So who knows. It could change in the next few months, too. ;]

Hope everyone has a splendid week! Update manana!

slightly good news?

2010-12-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

**man readers, stop here**

I can't be sure, but I think the good ol' miscarriage is happening naturally. And sooner than suspected, too. I am supposed to go in tomorrow and Wednesday to do the HCG level blood work to make sure my levels are dropping and return to pre-pregnancy levels. This would mean my body recognized that it was a 'faulty' pregnancy and would take care of it on its own. So much better than getting the methotrexate injections, IMO. I'd rather not get injections of chemotherapy drugs, not to mention the fact that one is generally not enough--even though they are at low doses, I'd really rather not have 'em! My doctor said to call her if I get my period, so I'm going to call in the morning so that I'm sure it's a real period and not just spotting or anything; I'm pretty sure it's heavier than spotting already though. I know she wanted to put me back on BC pills for another 2-3 months because she didn't want to do another cycle so close to a miscarriage. I totally agree. Emotionally and physically, it's definitely better to wait. I think I'm going to shoot a little closer to our next cycle being in about 6 months or so. If this whole store purchasing thing goes though (and I REALLY hope it does), even though I could make it work it would be so much less stressful if I wasn't pregnant right off the bat. Plus, I'm at a somewhat healthy weight currently, but I would really like to work on myself a little bit more so that the pregnancy would be a bit easier on me with all my back problems.

It seems bittersweet to say I'm relieved that this miscarriage is happening. I'm so, so thankful that it didn't drag on for weeks and weeks as I was warned it might. And it was still early. Almost 7 weeks to the day. The way Sebastian and I look at it, our little guy (yes, we know it will be a boy.. even in the future) was just making a dry run to get warmed up for the real show. Practice makes perfect! Let's pray that he only needed one practice round. ;)

On a side note: It's freaking pouring. And I freaking love the rain. Yes, yes.. I can say that because I live in Southern CA and it doesn't rain everyday or even heavily every year but it is really nice to listen to. Also a great excuse to cuddle up on the couch and eat soup for dinner. Which, we of course did. Oh! I also trained Sebastian a bit at the store so he can know what to do when/if we buy it. Dang! I mean, I knew he'd have no problem catching on but he really caught on--and then some! He's even remembering client's names and asking them how they are doing. I was very impressed. We're going to make a great team when it comes to working together at the store. We're already a great team in every other aspect of our relationship! Now I see why he's been moved up so many times at his work, and why it's been so fast, too. Because he's amazing! And very smart. How lucky am I? I love you honey!!

sigh.

2010-11-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Well, no news or miscarriage yet. I wasn't planning on writing anything at all, but I figured why not. I've been really angry the past few days. I'm sure it's hormones, but it seems to be getting worse. Probably from speaking to the doctor yesterday--it sure didn't make things better. I've been catty with some people at work that usually piss me off anyway, now I'm just starting to say things rather than blow it off as I always do. Probably not the best thing since I'm trying to get in the 'circle' there so I can (eventually) buy that damn store. I still want it--very much, but I am getting really sick of the run around from the current owner. It's not like I'm really getting paid. The only reason I've stuck around is because of the promised prospect of being soon to be owner. I was even given a set date which would be tomorrow! The owner and his wife asked me to coffee yesterday before my evening shift and we talked about the store. What I think is going on is he wants to sell it ASAP (as he's said)--but hasn't been including her in what he's been telling me. She was unaware of his continual promises and dates and talk of funds and he even told me to call the credit card machine company and switch the terminal in my name. Though it was never said, you could tell she was completely in the dark because she kept shooting him blatantly obvious looks of 'wtf.'

So that's been another source of my being very pissy. I'm sick of being used and led on. Now the date is somewhere near February. I flat out snapped at them and said I need an answer in 2 weeks or less because this is getting ridiculous. The first time he offered me the store (2 months ago, maybe 3) I got a call from a job that I had applied to a while ago for an interview. I politely turned it down since I didn't want to waste their time, as I was supposed to pay him for the store the following day. I hadn't mentioned this to either of them until yesterday at coffee. I said I've been more than patient, more than understanding, and I've stuck around only to be strung along and taken advantage of. Their main 'thing' is that the owner (the husband) has been sober a couple few years and they feel working the store helps to keep him sober. I called them out on that, too. He hasn't worked a day, well maybe a day in the past 2 months. They just came back from a 3 week stint at their house up north, and are leaving Saturday to spend some time at their timeshare in CO. I mean, c'mon. Clearly, this store isn't doing anything for your sobriety. And even if it were, then it's time to get sober on your own instead of using a convenience store in the rehab you got sober in as a big ol' crutch. Am I right??

I was very firm with them, and it took them by surprise. I'm a very nice person, very accommodating especially for those I work for and with. Well eff that. I feel the need to be appreciated and respected (fancy that!). I said I was still interested in the store, but I don't trust anything anymore with good reason, and I won't until we have signed the papers, money has exchanged hands and I have the keys. I said all of this very nicely, just plain and honest. They understood, or at least said so. I said I'm clearly not working here for the money, and I need to start making some real money for my family. If you're still undecided in 2 weeks I will be drastically cutting my availability and looking for work elsewhere. I will still be interested when you're ready to sell the store, I just can't afford to waste my time.

Some of you might say I'm not playing my cards right but I actually have the upper hand. I work twice a day, seven days a week. On most days it's 12:00p-1:00p, go home and come back 5:00p-7:00p. Visitation days and it's hours are all over the board. Example: Wednesdays are 12:00p-1:00p. Then 3:30p-6:00p. I can't be open (rehab policy) while they are in group classes. They have group from 6:00p-7:00p. So, it isn't worth me going home and driving right back (it takes 20-30 minutes one way from home to work) so I have to sit and read or pick my nose for that hour they are in group. Then, I'm open from 7:00p-7:15p for their 'between meeting break.' They have another meeting from 7:00/7:15-8:00. I then work from 8:00-9:00p. For all the breaks, I do not get paid. But essentially, I work from 12:00p to 9:00p and am paid for a little less than 5 hours or there abouts. Tell me this. Where are you going to find a moron to work these hours other than myself? You aren't. I work them, because there was a bigger goal in sight: owning the store December 1st.

The staff and the owner of the rehab love me and constantly ask when I'm taking over the store. My bosses can't deny that, they know it very well. They've even had phone calls about it! People calling to say what a wonderful job I'm doing and how much they love having me there. Which I'm sure just chaps his hide, but hey.. it's true. I have been doing my darndest to be perceived as just that: The most awesomest store-runner in the world.

Kind of an off-topic post for me I suppose. But, with the unfortunate baby news.. I don't think we will be TTC for months so get used to my boring, day to day posts. I have to do something to keep what sanity I have left hanging around, right?

[Oh! And as if this wasn't long enough to begin with. Another peeve. Yesterday, I stayed a little later than 8 at work. Power went out right when I left. I knew the fridge and the long freezer would be fine, etc. So I left. I had promised to make some candied pecans for a girl at work. She paid me $15 for them. I get the pecans for $7 so it was almost worth it. Went to the store on the way home, picked up dinner since it was late and I didn't want to cook and got home about 9:00. Mixed up the pecans and threw them in the oven. As I was putting them in the oven, I get call on my cell phone. The place that I work at doesn't have my phone number, as in.. the actual rehab. But I had their number in my phone for emergencies and what not. So it came up on my phone as the rehab. What the heck? I answer. It's the girl I'm making the nuts for. She said that they had called my boss and he didn't pick up repeatedly (and you know darn well he has their number in his phone--BOTH of his phones--the two they called)--so we thought we'd try you. The ice cream freezer has been making a TERRIBLE noise every since the power went back on about 20-30 minutes ago. You can hear it all the way down the hall. So I'm pissed. As I mentioned, takes 20 minutes to get to work and it's now after 9p. I won't be home until 10 at the latest. Not to mention... Sebastian now has to stir the nuts every 15 minutes for an hour until they are done. The girl went on a break, and in the meantime the noise has stopped. No one bothers to call me of course. I get there, everything is fine. I turn around, come home. Nuts are burnt. Not mad at the hubby, it wasn't his task.. but I now have to get more nuts and eggs as I used the last of them on the burnt batch. I'm now really mad. If the girl hadn't paid me, and hadn't been taking 3 days off after the next day--I would have waited until another day for sure. Go to store again. Get nuts and eggs. Talk to Ali on the phone. Go home, make nuts. Cook for an hour. Bed by 1:30a. Bring nuts to work next day (today) in a quart sized ziplock with the girls name written in bold, black sharpie plainly across the front of the bag. Hand it to administrator and say who they're for. Go to work. Go home, go back to work.. and run into the nut-girl. She asks for them. I say they are in the office? Nope, not there. Calls administrator. She ate them. I am going to reduce myself to the very cliche acronym of: FML.]

:( ...

2010-11-29T14:19:00.000-08:00

Well, had the second test today. Dr Chen called me at noon and said that my levels were not only low (typically they should be 100 for the first, mine were 56) but that they weren't doubling like they should either (my second was in the 60s). Sigh. So, it's either a tubal pregnancy or just a 'bad' one and will end in miscarriage either way. Hopefully, it will pass naturally but if not then there is a shot she will give me that will kill the 'tissue' (aka embryo) and my period should start. Another sigh. I'm not super depressed, just a little upset. The way I see it, it's much better losing a baby this early (at 5 or 6 weeks) as opposed to any later. Of course Dr. Chen made the happy statement of me being able to get pregnant is a huge deal. We weren't sure that it could happen, and it happened on the first round of Clomid so I suppose she's right--it is something to be excited about. We won't need to do injections when the time comes to try again, we'll stick with the Clomid at the same dose (150mg).

She said that this 'process' can take up to a few days or a few weeks. I am really, really hoping it's a matter of days. I just want it to be over and done with. She said once my period starts she wants to put me on birth control for 2 months again before the next cycle of TTC. I'm thinking we'll wait for another 6 months or so.. maybe less, but I'm thinking somewhere around there. It would have been great to be pregnant now (with a healthy pregnancy), but with the new business endeavor it will be a lot easier getting started with all the stress and money if I'm not also stressing (and spending money) on fertility cycles. Things have a way of working themselves out, though.

I have to go in Monday and Wednesday of next week to get the same blood tests done. If my levels are dropping on their own, it's an indication that I will miscarry on my own. If they aren't dropping then I'll get the shot. Apparently the shot is a low dose of chemotherapy? A little unnerving if you ask me.. Oh well. I suppose I really don't have any more options at that point if it comes to that, and I trust her so we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Thank you all for being so supportive! xo

first hcg blood test

2010-11-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Just got back from my first blood test. I forgot to drink a ton of water, so I tried to make up for it this morning by drinking bottle after bottle. I guess my last minute water cram worked! It was over and done with really fast. I need to go back Monday morning for the second test then the Dr will call me that day or the next with the results. It's going to be a BUSY week. The plan is to buy the store on Wednesday (the first) which is great but totally stressing me out. The rent is only $350, but with all the pregnancy stuff (fertility meds, blood tests, etc) our rent and our mortgage... it's still 350 bucks that I'm going to have to pull outta my rear. Not to mention the need of supplies and making the store look less like a mans garage and more like a commissary. I think the design and decor will have to wait until I start to make money on the store.

I'm excited about running the store while I'm pregnant, strangely. I think it will be fun to decorate and stock the store! Hopefully.. ;)

Well.. time to shower and look like a human. I've been so dead lately I just throw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt and head to work, sooo... ha!

blood tests!

2010-11-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

Hey all! So I called Dr Chen today, since I completely forgot to call her on Thanksgiving. Oh well! She was excited... well, Tiffany the girl at the front was excited and I just assume the Dr was, too. The hcg level blood tests need to be done one day apart apparently, so since the lab is closed Sunday I'll be going in Saturday and Monday for my testing and she will call me with the results. If the results are good, then we'll get our first fetal ultrasound next week! No heartbeat (audible at least) until 9 weeks, I think.. and next week will be my 5th week, so a few more weeks until the heartbeat can be heard.

Work was brutal today. And on Thanksgiving, too. I know you're sick of hearing how ridiculously tired I am.. but crap! I almost fell asleep today. Yesterday was a bit easier since I made Sebastian go along with me. I like the clients that are there now. I make a couple of them hang out with me in the store for some company. I seriously need to invest in a TV, like.. 2 weeks ago. I know TV rots your brain, but it makes the time pass so much faster. Maybe some books or books on tape (or iPod).

As you've guessed I'm sure, I'm off to bed. Updates tomorrow!!

happy thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

My best friend Ali (shoutout!) convinced me to spend $18.99 (plus tax, mind you) on two of those digital tests. I couldn't find single packs. I'll admit, it is much more 'real' seeming with the digital result. Now I just need to call Dr Chen and let her know so we can move to the blood work. Now I'm nervous all over again. I wish being pregnant was just a done deal. I guess it's not that way for anyone! The 'what ifs' are killing me!! Alright.. I know you're sick of seeing these pictures, and to be frank.. I'm sick of taking tests! I'm just anxious to see the blood results, but here it is..

I'll post another one later to say what Dr. Chen says about getting bloodwork. Happy Thanksgiving you guys!!!

day 14 of 2WW [or 15 days..]

2010-11-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

If I were just waiting for 2 weeks, today would be my last day! But, I was told to test tomorrow.. so that will be the one I report to Dr. Chen. So far, I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and all were positive. One yesterday morning, one this morning and one about a 30 minutes ago [not a CVS brand test]. Here's the picture for the most recent one! It's still faint, but visible. At this point, I've personally decided that I think I'm pregnant, I just hope everything works out. I don't think it's a chemical pregnancy (thank God) because the result has been stronger with each test, I haven't had any negatives. When we do the blood work, I think I will feel a million times better if the results are normal. I would love to be pregnant for the holidays! Well, I'd just love to be pregnant.. but it would be great timing. Long day at work, so I'm out!!

day 13 of 2WW

2010-11-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

A little earlier than I usually post but I did say I'd post the results of my pregnancy test this morning, sooo...
it was positive! Granted, like we all know.. that shot is just about the only thing that can cause a false positive, so don't be too excited. It's very, very faint in person and even more so in photos but I will post one anyway. As you may or may not know a faint line is just as good as a strong line. In early pregnancy (which if this is a true positive, it is very early in the pregnancy) lines are usually weaker then get stronger daily on account of the hCg hormone starting to increase. So yes, as you've guessed I'm sure.. I will be testing again tomorrow morning. If it is a stronger line, I am going to go ahead and jump the gun and say I am officially pregnant. Since it's weak now it could mean (a) it's still too early to be bold or (b) the hCg is almost out of my system in which case tomorrow's test would be even less of a line or nonexistent. I have enough tests to test through the day after Turkey Day, so I'm totally set. Okay, see if you can spot the '+' in the window of the test. It's heavier on the right side of the light vertical line (if you can even see it in the photo), kind of looks like a lined rectangle with the center blank and heavier lining on the edges. I know where to look for it, so I can totally see it in the photo but if you don't know where to look I doubt you can even see it. But it is there. I am a very skeptical person, so it's not just my wishful thinking.. it exists!!

day 12 of 2WW

2010-11-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

A few more days! Yikes! I'm excited to see what the pee stick has to say. Well, I broke down and bought a pack of CVS brand early pregnancy tests. Even though I knew what her answer would be, I asked the pharmacist if the CVS brand was the same as the other more expensive ones. Of course, she said yes. It was nearly $10 less for the same amount of tests so the way I see it, I did good! It's about that time for the period, the only symptoms I have are sore breasts. My boobs don't always get sore before my period but they do sometimes so I don't know what to credit the tenderness to: pregnancy or period!

On account of my never-on-time period, missing the first day of my expected cycle is no big thing. I'd love to think it was, but it certainly isn't uncommon. I've been toying with the idea of testing early. I never thought I'd be the girl to do that considering how this two week wait has been a breeze in all honesty--but, I'm leaning towards testing tomorrow! I won a home pregnancy test through a message board (CafeMom) about a month ago, and I'm saving that one for Turkey Day because I think it's lucky.

[In case you are unaware of what 4 HPTs look like, see photo below.]

In total I have 4 home pregnancy tests so I figure I spare one. The funny part is, I won't be satisfied if it's positive or negative. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the hCg shot raises the pregnancy hormone in your body for up to two weeks. One of the few instances where you can actually get a false positive (typically, false positives aren't nearly as common as false negatives since the test works off of pregnancy hormone levels that you don't have unless you're pregnant. Unless of course you get a SHOT of those hormones...), so a positive result within that two week period (tomorrow would fall under that 2 weeks) isn't always a real positive. Siiigh. And a negative result tomorrow would just make me think of the real possibility that I tested to early and I'd need to try again in a couple days. So really, what is the point of testing tomorrow?! Nothing more than it would be exciting to see a positive result, even if it couldn't (yet!) be 100% verified. I'll post the results either way in the mornin'!

Aside from my exciting trip to CVS, a glorious day at work and some hickory smoked BBQ wings from Wingstop for din din--that's all to report on for today! Oh, and I also bought my Christmas cards. I think they are absolutely awesome. Most of you on here will more than likely be receiving one so I'm not going to go into detail, but I love them. Not sure why, but I do! And for the sake of not breaking my 5 year streak of holiday tradition, they will go in the mail on Black Friday. First thing. I think I have this obsession with (possibly) being the first card on the mantle. I win.

day 11 of 2WW

2010-11-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

Today was my uncle's memorial. It was absolutely beautiful. Tears were shed by all at some point during the service, myself included through most of it actually. All in all a success as far as these things go, I suppose. :)

We just got home not too long ago. I'd say Pavi and Avis (our furbabies) missed us, but I'm not sure that would be entirely true. Pavi was in good company with our friend Jenna, and Avis woke up when we got home and wanted to be fed. It's been freezing all day. I think LA had a high of 50-something. But it's windy and feels like 40 at the most. We were in Riverside much of the day, but I think the temperature is about the same in both places. The snow level dropped to about 3000 feet, so the drive out was awesome. Every mountain range from our house to Riverside was snow capped or at least thoroughly dusted.

As you might've guessed--we are exhausted, as usual. At least the past week I haven't seemed to be able to get nearly enough sleep to get through the day for whatever reason. At least Sebastian agrees with me this time. Plus, I did all the driving though it was only a little over an hour each way. Driving is somewhat draining to me though! Especially the road back.

Well! Hard to believe tomorrow will be day 12!! Basically, just a few more days. I'm excited! That's all for now; night night!!

day 10 of 2WW

2010-11-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

Five more days!? Okay.. now I'm getting anxious. Slightly. I'm getting typical period symptoms... and unfortunately they are the same as the pregnancy ones. UGH. Oh well. Today was a ridiculous day. I had so much shopping to do for the store it wasn't even funny. But! On a really good note--I've been trying to purchase the store at the rehab I work it (it's like a commissary) and the current owner agreed a few weeks ago and we settled on a price but we still hadn't set a date... until today! That date is December 1st! I'm very excited! Also, kinda nervous. It's going to be a lot of work, a lot of hours.. but great money, so it's all worth it. A neat, randomly unique family business. Our family business!!

I'll keep you posted on the store happenings.

Okay, a short one tonight as I have a few more things to do before I knock out tonight. Night!!

day 9 of 2WW

2010-11-19T21:17:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever tried Southern Comfort Vanilla Egg Nog?? Dang. It's tasty. And no, it doesn't come with alcohol.. though you can of course add it. Today was rather uneventful, as the past few days have pretty much been!

It's really ridiculous. I've been researching how long all the things I can make for Thanksgiving will keep in the fridge or freezer. I made the cranberry sauce because it keeps 10 days or so. I really want to make the pie, but that only keeps a few days I think so it'll have to wait a few more days. Everything else of course I will make the day of. Maybe assemble it the night before and cook the next day. I think I'll have to go into work for a little while too, though not sure on the time. I've been so tired (as I'm sure you're well aware of, and sick of hearing about) that I was thinking of getting a manicure and a pedicure tomorrow morning. If you know me, you know that this never happens. Either or, let alone both. So I'm excited! I dropped off our clothes to the dry cleaners this morning and pleaded with the lady to have it done by tomorrow and she made a few calls and the guy who picks it up was going to be in town having lunch, so he'd come by and get it! I never go to the cleaners, either.. but it's for the service and god knows I've never had that jacket cleaned. Eww.. yeah, I know, I know.

Other than that, I think after my glass of eggnog I'm headed to bed. Good times! I have a few errands to run in the morning before I head on over to work at 12, so.. night all!! Have a great weekend!

day 8 of TWW

2010-11-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

I... am... exhaaaausted. I kind of feel like publishing just that statement. We've been crating our dog, Pavi for a while now. Maybe a few months or so. Lately, the past two weeks he's been waking up in the middle of the night and whining. He doesn't whine loudly at all, it's very subtle but it still wakes me up once or twice a night. I let him out to go pee, and of course he goes and then goes right back to bed. He has no problem sleeping through the night. He's been doing it 5 years! Problem is, he hates sleeping alone. He's also been sleeping in bed with us for the better part of 4 years. He doesn't wake up once when he's in bed with us, just in the crate, and when he wakes up (even in the early am, when he's in our bed) he has to pee, just like we do. Sigh. That combined with the fact that I have had a ridiculous sleep pattern equals one fussy lady. Here's hoping things will be better tonight.

On a side note: I'm still loving my new iPod! It's super fantastic. And it loves me back, I know it does. I bought it case, cleaned it's screen and bought it little sticky protective screen film, too. I think it's happy. Now if I could just get my laptop (mac) and my desktop (pc) to sync their iTunes things would be much, much better.

Things have been so hectic recently, I haven't even had much time to think about the fact that I'm halfway through the two week wait. Just a week to go! I am excited though, and it's gone by super quick which helps I think. My uncle passed away suddenly last week and his service is this Sunday so we've been slightly caught up with that and getting work covered (training the new douche), finding something suitable to wear (aka, buying new clothing because we all know none of us have anything suitable for well.. anything), getting a sitter for our fur-children. Not to mention the obvious fact that we are all pretty upset about uncle Ross' untimely death. He was such an amazing man, in so many ways.

I think I will wake up super early and test on Thanksgiving. If it's positive, I'll break the news on Turkey Day. If not.. I think I'll tell everyone I'm waiting until the day after Thanksgiving, then I'll go out and buy more tests and give it another whirl. Either way I'll probably test the next day again.. just to make doubly sure one way or another!

Oh! Mom and I swung into REI to check out the BOB strollers while we were running around clothes shopping. Needless to say, it was so completely amazing to see it in person. It just affirmed all of my previous ideas about it: It's freaking AWESOME. Mom could even push, turn and collapse it by herself, which if you know my mother you know how amazing that truly is. So we're BOB believers! When the time strikes, we're pickin' up our BOB.

'kay, kiddies. I'm headed to dreamland. Catch you on the flipside.

day 7 of 2WW

2010-11-17T23:25:00.000-08:00

Only about a week to go, kids! Today was absolutely exhausting. I have had very little sleep the past few days and it's really taking a toll on me. Tonight I got home at about 10. Oy vey. I'd say I'm going to go to sleep early tonight, but when you get home at 10, your bedtime is already doing everything in its power to be as late as possible. I'm runnin' on empty. I have a million little things to do tomorrow, too. It's making me tired just thinking about it. Does that ever happen to you guys? Even if you don't have a crazy day you have a hundred small errands to run and it just drains you? If I have to drive to more than a few places in a certain amount of time, I get cranky. Maybe its the whole rushing around thing. Grr.

Apparently slight insomnia and fatigue (probably from the lack of sleep!?) are pregnancy symptoms. But dang, it seems like scrolling through the lists of possible symptoms--pregnancy symptoms are pretty much a mix of period symptoms and women-in-general symptoms, so who knows. Well, we all will.. in about a week.

So how was your day?

Oh! And I bought an iPod Nano today! Yes, one of those super nifty new ones. It's green and I'm in love with it. Now if I can just get it to sync like it's supposed to, all would be right with the world.

day 6 of 2WW

2010-11-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Another slightly uneventful day. I mentioned that I'm training this d-bag at work, right? He means well but man, is he unmotivated. I really can't stand people like him. He wants me to work my schedule around his, which isn't going to happen. He's very ditzy and very unreliable. The ditz bit I can deal with. The unreliability is a no-go for me. He's supposed to be training and I have wacky hours lately, but they are the same everyday (minus visitation days), so easy to grasp when I'm there. Also, I've texted him the hours at least 4 times in the past 3 days on top of telling him verbally at least twice. I work 12-1p everyday. Then 5-7. Just until we get more patients. Yesterday (he was supposed to meet me on several occasions, btw) he texted me at 1:15. He was supposed to be there around 12:00. Again, I work 12-1p. He said 'Hey Fallon. I'm just waiting on UPS for a very important package. I will be there by 2 at the latest. Thanks' And I was just like... you have GOT to be kidding me. Again, I told him the hours followed by a 'Well, I will not be here at 2. I closed at 1:15 and have been waiting the past 15 minutes to see if you'd show up and we could at least go over a few things like balancing the books (since there were no patients present, couldn't practice interaction or things of the like). He says 'Oh. Well okay. How about tomorrow night we can practice balancing and I can come in from 12-1 to watch you work.' I said 'Sure, you can come in anytime as long as it's when I'm WORKING.' He said okay.

I get a text at about, oh I don't know... 3:00p. He says 'Hey, I'm leaving my house soon and I'll be there by 4:00.' My jaw must've hit the ground, I'm sure of it. All I can think of is the myriad of swear words that I uttered (oh yes--aloud, by myself) at home while reading that. Wow. I said 'Sure. Go ahead. I will see you when I get there at five.' I'll wrap it up now. He ended up showing up at 6:00p. He texted me before 6, and said he'd be there at 5:00. I mentioned it had been a slow day so I might close at 6:30. Things ended up picking up, so I wanted to stay till 7. He had to go at 6:30 because he had a meeting in South Pasadena at 7. He was there 30 minutes. 10 minutes after he got there, he said he'd be back because he was taking a smoke break. Again, jaw to floor. I said nothing. This moron is sort of like my assistant. I work 7 days a week, a couple times a day and I need a couple days off here and there, especially with fertility and potential baby visits. My boss knew that so he hired a 'filler' to be on call. I have a funeral/service to attend for my uncle Ross this Sunday. Sunday is a visitation day. It will also be this dudes first day working alone. He doesn't seem smart, but any idiot can do this work.. mostly. Or at least struggle through it. Gee, he's had 2 weeks (my boss thought he'd been coming regularly) to train. Imagine---if he'd show up half of those 14 days, he just might be able to swing it Sunday. But I digress..

[Again, boys... stop reading.. TMI!]

Baby things! So, I read online about cervix position and where it typically is and what it feels like when you're pregnant. It's not a for sure thing at all to determine early pregnancy, but I checked mine out anyway. Before I read in depth online, I checked mine. I jumped a little because it was very soft. The first thing that came to mind was an over ripened fruit--which later, I would read that exact comparison online. Apparently, your cervix lifts up farther inside of you when you're ovulating, and the opening is well, open and very soft. If you become pregnant that cycle, it will retain that position but the cervix will close. It will remain soft and high. If you do not become pregnant, it will still close but tends to drop back down and become hard---like an unripe fruit. Like I said, kinda meaningless. Apparently, a woman's cervix can hold many different positions even throughout the course of a day---so who knows! But it was neat to have at least one 'symptom.'

[Boys, you may begin reading again..]

So I made the mistake of making my (in)famous sugared pecans last night. Baaad idea. There is no way those things are going to last a week. I need to come up with a hiding space. Out of human and snout reach. It inspired me to make some for my best friend Ali and her hubby. They eat low carb, so I'm going to substitute the sugar for granulated splenda. Of course, they only sold it in a big ol' bag so I got the generic as it was only $6.99 as opposed to $8.99. I'm sure we'll use it though. We darn well should with this PCOS thing. Anywho, I wanted nothing more than to buy pounds upon pounds of pecans to make an infinite number of candied creations but dang! I swear the price of holiday nuts goes up at the beginning of November. Or maybe that's the only time I purchase them. The cheapest I could find was $6.50 a pound. Not terrible considering they are to die for.

Yikes! Sons of Anarchy is starting. I'd say I'd come back and finish in an hour but this is a ridiculously long blog at any rate. Toodles!

day 5 of 2WW

2010-11-16T01:37:00.000-08:00

Well, alright. I suppose it's technically day six as of now seeing as how it's 1:22a. For whatever reason, I'm not quite tired enough to sleep yet. Soon though, very soon. I was making my second batch of cranberry sauce (one regular, one jellied for mom) when I realized I hadn't blogged for today! Gasp.

Let's see! What went on today? Sebastian gets two reviews a year, one with a pay increase/performance review and another regular (no pay) performance review. They are moving him up and up as far and as fast as humanly possible. He is fantastic at his job. He's fantastic at everything he puts his mind to, actually. I do believe they are moving him up not only because of how great he's doing at work, but also as a business move. He'd never worked customer service in any respect before 2 years ago when he started this job. He's very overqualified for the position he started in. The economy has become quite a bit better as of late, and I think they've noticed. I think they want to lock him in at a comparable rate to the $30+ he was making an hour with kornrandolph. I think they know that if he were offered a job at even $20 or $25 an hour plus benefit package--he'd go for it hands down. So they have to do what they can to keep him there! Which, we're totally fine with. He enjoys his job, which is more than he could say about KR. Then again, it was the atmosphere at KR that was horrible, not the work. Ah well. Enough about that!

My day was pretty uneventful. Ate dinner again at work. BBQ chicken again. This time I just got a thigh and made a side salad and called it good. It was good!

So, remember how I was saying that implantation can be as early as 6 days and as late as 12? Well.. today (even though this post is for last nights blog) is the 6th day. The norm is 9 days, so I think I have a couple few left to go. I'm getting excited. And, I think I will test on Thanksgiving. I mean, I would be slightly disappointed if it were negative, but I can take it in stride. It isn't the end of the world. Besides, I'm thinkin' POSITIVE!! And, after all it is just our first cycle of TTC with fertility aid so we're obligated to have a smidge of patience. Right? Right!

Night, kiddos. I've just got to finish up the sugared pecans and hide them away from the hungry mouths that roam my house at all hours of the day and night. Human, canine and marsupials alike.

day 4 of 2WW

2010-11-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the man and I were thinking of squeezing a matinee movie in before I had to go to work. Of course, the show times were not accommodating. So I looked online for Sunday movie times and noticed they are doing $6.00 movies from 6:00a-11:00a. Holy wow!! We're talking half price movies. Yes, tickets for 3D shows go up to $16 a piece during primetime (plus $1 service fee if you buy online, which you should do to guarantee a spot if it's a new one)! So instead of going to the movies yesterday, we ran to the mall instead and purchased tickets for the Sunday (11:00a) showing of Morning Glory. As far as predictable movies go, it was really cute. At least totally worth the $12 we paid to get in. After we purchased our tickets on Saturday, we traipsed around the baby/maternity section of the mall. Yes, they have a 'wing' in the mall dedicated to all that jazz. Of course, my favorite store is still Janie and Jack and I believe it always will be. Will I ever be able to afford anything there? Not likely. But man... their clothes are way to cute.

We had visitation from about 3:30-6:30 at work today. Got a couple new clients in, too. Time went by super quick at work on account of all the visitors keeping me pretty busy. I ate my first meal from the kitchen (5 months later)--I had been scared up until tonight. I... was... starving. I have heard nothing but horror stories or really great reviews, so I was a little nervous to try it. Carbo overload. I ended up just eating the chicken, cauliflower and some carrots and ranch dip. My meal was served with (I kid you not) about a pound of potato salad, of which I had a bite of. I have to say, according to a staff member the 'crappy cook' was in tonight and I found the food decent enough! Hell, it's free. It would have to be pretty terrible for free food to be a no-go for me. When I got home, I fixed my home version of a fast food meal (for Sebastian, not me), harnessed up the pup and took him and the hubby on a brisk 30 minute stroll. It was refreshing. We haven't done that since we moved and it was long overdue. I forgot how much a walk helps me to unwind.

I've been reading that What to Expect When You're Expecting shenanigans and I'm on month 2 of pregnancy. I feel like when we finally get pregnant I will be an expert on nipple changes and lube ducts (also on your nipples). Seriously. This lady talks about large areolas and nipple changes at least 2 out of every 5 pages. No joke. In all honesty, I feel at least more informed than I was to begin with when we started on our journey of TTC. Some things in the book as I've mentioned previously are a little overboard for me, but there really is quite a bit in it (so far) that I didn't know.

I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about this, but I was googling two week wait and very early pregnancy symptoms and of course, I feel as though I have every single one of the symptoms. Apparently, implantation can happen as early as 6 days after ovulation and as long as 12 days past ovulation. The norm is about 9 days. Realistically, I can't possibly be having any of these symptoms. I used to think it was really nice having the ability (if we conceive this cycle) to know exactly when we conceived, but now I'm not so sure! It would be so much nicer just missing my perfectly timed, never late period (ha!) by a few days, testing and getting a big fat positive result. ;)

I hope what I'm getting in regards to 'symptoms' is anything but my period coming. Crappily (yes, it's now a word), I've noticed period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms are extremely similar if not just downright identical. My back has been sore, but I have back problems and have had 3 surgeries so I suppose it happens occasionally. I'm very, very tired. Nix that. More like exhausted. But, I've also been working 7 days a week, 2 times a day and doing a lot of driving on top of my tons of driving. I get up early and get home after a normal dinner time. So that could very well have something to do with that. The only thing I can't explain away is the nausea. Now, I know it's possibly way to early for that symptom but... nausea is something I never, ever have. I'm nauseous whenever I eat or am preparing food to eat, It revolves mostly around food, actually. When I woke up this morning I was sick to my stomach and food had nothing to do with it. Right now my stomach is doing somersaults... slowly.

That much I know is not in my head! Sure, there could be another reason and there probably is.. but a girl can dream, right? Probably the first and last time in my life I'm wishing for more nausea.

Night kids, got to get to bed.

day 3 of TWW

2010-11-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

PCOS friendly holiday dinners? No thanks!

We went shopping today for some Thanksgiving foodie items. I have decided I do not want to make an entire turkey this year. It's somewhat pointless for a couple reasons around here. (1) we never eat anywhere near half since we aren't big turkey-eaters, (2) it's more than likely just going to be the three of us. Sebastian, my mother and myself. We have no business eating an entire turkey! Besides, I'm way too into the sides when it comes to holiday meals. In fact, a couple few years ago we had a Thanksgiving dinner consisting of only sides, no meats! It was actually pretty awesome. A piece of turkey is nice, but that's about it. So we purchased a turkey breast today--it's the perfect size! Just under 3 pounds.

We grabbed the things that usually go quick like sweet potatoes, evaporated milk, foil and stuffing. Random yes, but.. I think I'll finish up the holiday shopping sometime this week. I hate scrambling for things or forgetting things when it comes to that. I was also toying with the idea of making homemade cranberry sauce. It can't be too terribly difficult. What, cranberries, water and sugar? Maybe an orange peel or slice boiled with it? But is it really worth it? How many of you have had homemade cranberry sauce and how was it? I usually make applesauce--now that is definitely worth making--but I'm thinking of doing the cran sauce for Turkey Day and saving the applesauce for the ham at Christmastime.

I don't know what it is this year. It seems like every other year I get very into the idea of holiday cooking. I love to cook and bake... very much! This year, Sebastian and I both are already feeling very festive. I can't wait for the holidays this year. How 'bout you?