My Day My Story

FUNNY STORY : My Daughters 16th Birthday Party

Heath — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 20:48:20 PDT

Yesterday was my daughters 16th birthday party, a week after her actual birthday but she was with her mother for her birthday. Before the party I finally decided to give my daughter the birds and the bees speech since her mother is no longer around to give it (caught the slut cheating). Upon starting the conversation my daughter promptly cut me off and said, ‘dad I know all about it’, in which I replied ‘oh ok so you have had sex education at school already I presume? she smirked, said ‘yes’ and then looked at me with a intrigued face and asked me ’so dad, how many people have you been with?’ in which I replied ’several, 5 to be exact’. She looked at me puzzled and simply said with a slight giggle ‘oh… ok’. Which threw me back a little with the condescending tone she added with her reply, so I said ‘are you sexually active?’ she quickly looked down and said in a lowered tone ‘yes, but please don’t be mad’ which really surprised me because she seems so innocent and quiet any time a boy is around. So I asked her ‘well, how many guys have you been with and where?, you can be honest I won’t be mad’. She said ‘you promise you won’t be mad’ I replied ‘absolutely’… She replied ‘well the week I threw a party for my birthday at moms, invited a lot of people over and that is the second time I had sex’. I replied with ’so you have been with two guys?’ she said ‘well, I dunno, how many guys are on a football team?’

Now I have a new car, and she’s punished until she hits 18.

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S.Whisted’s : Original Short Story ‘Squirrel Territory’

Heath — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:18:39 PDT

“Baby, get out of the road!” Chipper shouted. “Don’t you know those cars will kill you?”

Baby scurried towards Chipper, unaware of what cars were or what it meant to be killed. He asked, “What’s that mean?”

Chipper replied, “It means your life ends. Humans ride around in them and if one runs over you, that’s it for you, you’re dead.” Chipper watched Baby’s head move back and forth rapidly following each car that passed. “Just stay out of the road, okay?”

“Okay.” Chipper could tell Baby didn’t truly understand the levity of cars and the damage they caused. He hoped over time he’d get it and wouldn’t get himself killed in the meantime.

Baby didn’t have parents and typically when another squirrel entered Chipper’s territory a fight ensued, but he felt too bad for the lone squirrel and decided to allow him to be his apprentice. Baby was difficult to teach though, too innocent and naive still to grasp the dangers of their world.

“Now Baby,” he said, “The human that lives here will be home soon so we need to get ready. I want you to do exactly as I do.”

Baby mimicked Chippers stance beside him and waited. His foot tapped anxiously. Chipper said, “Relax Baby, you’re so hyper.”

Baby frowned to himself. He didn’t want to let Chipper down. He was grateful that Chipper was willing to take him under his wing, but he was just a kid. He had all of this energy and didn’t know how to tame it.

Across the street two pudgy, obviously well fed, squirrels peered at them. Chipper knew their kind. They were “tough guys,” the kind of squirrels that lurked around corners when they knew food was coming and bullied other squirrels for that food, almost always winning because of their size advantage. Chipper worried that now that he’d taken on being a mentor, it’d be more difficult to protect his yard and Baby at the same time, but he himself wasn’t scared of “tough guys.” He peered back at them, as a warning. His eyes bled, “Not Welcome.”

The “tough guys” weren’t fazed and Chipper could tell that today he’d have to defend their meal, possibly even duke it out with one of those fat suckers. He hoped not both though. Just then, a car pulled into the spot in front of them. The owner of the yard Chipper claimed as his territory. Chipper wanted to keep the “tough guys” in sight, but now the car blocked his view.

“Straighten up,” he told Baby. And the two of them sat up on their backsides in the walkway that lead to the houses door.

The human smiled at them both as she passed them and said, “I’ll be back out in a minute with some food guys,” and she entered the house. Baby followed after her and waited on the patio. Chipper didn’t move. He eyed his surroundings knowing that at any moment those “tough guys” would appear out of no where to take their dinner.

When he heard the door open back up behind him he glanced around again once more before retreating towards it. The human crouched down on the ground with her hand extended towards Baby holding a peanut. Baby backed away from her though, scared of her enormous height even in her squatted position.

Chipper said, “Go ahead Baby, take it from her hand. I do it all the time. This one’s nice, I promise. But hurry before anyone else shows up.”

Baby timidly reached out his little paws to grab the peanut and then backed away again to eat it as quickly as he could. The human reached out towards Chipper with the second peanut. She made a ticking sound with her mouth to grab his attention. Chipper took the peanut and also ate it quickly; keeping his back to her and his eyes on every angle they could be bombarded from.

The human sat down in one of the chairs on the porch and waited for them to finish their first peanuts. The humans in this house always give them at least five each which is far more than they truly need, but Chipper likes to save them up incase food becomes scarce. It’s hard to carry five peanuts though, so he often times eats them all right away. Today he intended on doing just that because he didn’t trust the lurkers. Something told him as soon as the human left they’d suddenly show up.

Baby took a lot longer to get into the peanut shell than Chipper, but he ate the peanut itself just as quickly as him. Baby was starving before he met Chipper and eats everything with haste as if it will be his last meal. Feeling braver around the human now, Baby hopped up on the chair beside her for his second peanut. Chipper, of course, was still on guard.

After they’d each finished two peanuts the human scattered a handful of peanuts in the grass near the tree Chipper and Baby lived in and went back inside the house. Chipper wished she wouldn’t do that. It just put their food closer to the “tough guys.”

By the time Chipper and Baby reached the tree the “tough guys” were moving in on them. Chipper ordered, “Baby, get up high. Take as many nuts with you as you can.” But Baby’s so small, carrying more than two at a time was impossible and Chipper knew that they’d likely lose the rest if he had to fight off both of the intruders.

Baby, suddenly scared because of the change of tone in Chipper, tried to gather three peanuts and dart up the tree. He dropped one on the way up which fell, briefly startling Chipper.

Chipper moved towards the “tough guys” defensively, his stance strong and serious. He nearly growled, “There’s nothing here for you! Get Lost!”

The fatter of the two “tough guys” laughed and said to the other fat squirrel, “Awe look, Chipper thinks he’s tough.”

Chipper wondered how he knew his name, considering prior to the humans at this house he never had one. They had named him and Baby. He figured, the fatties had been watching them for some time now and must have overheard the humans.

Baby shook in fear, wishing he was big enough to help Chipper. His panic knocked another peanut to the ground. Now they only had one to share if they lost the rest to their uninvited guests.

Chipper stood his ground, his tail fanning out like a peacock to give him a larger appearance. His attempts at intimidating the “tough guys” were useless. They continued onward forcing him to finally make a move.

It all happened fast, so fast that Baby’s head spun. Chipper lunged at the least fat squirrel first, thinking it wiser to take out the faster of the two fatties. But, to Chipper’s surprise, the other squirrel didn’t make his way for the nuts. Instead he ganged up on Chipper with his fat friend.

The three of them scuffled about, rolling around in a quarrel. They circled the base of the tree, stumbling over the peanuts, in an all out brawl. Baby cringed from the treetop every time Chipper squealed, worrying that he’d once again be alone if they took Chipper down for good. Somehow, suddenly, he understood death.

And then the door opened and a male human stepped out onto the patio. The three of them froze momentarily, like statues in fighting poses. Chipper saw this as his big break and before the other two were willing to move in front of the human he once again launched himself at one of them, biting his teeth into him so hard the squirrel actually retreated to the edge of the street to recover.

But the largest of the two squirrels remained, now enraged that Chipper had beaten them down to one. The large squirrel thrust himself into Chipper’s back, throwing him against the trunk of the tree. Chipper tried to shake the blur out of his eyes, but the fat squirrel was on top of him now, pulling him away from the tree with his claws digging into him.

Finally the human called out at the two of them, “Hey!” And he pitched a peanut at the fat squirrel pegging it in the butt. It startled and stung the fat squirrel so much that he leapt into the air, all four paws off the ground. Before he’d even fully landed he was in motion towards his friend. First retreating to the edge of the street, and then finally both of them crossing it back to the side they’d come from.

The human walked towards Chipper to make sure their meal had not been stolen and watched while Baby and Chipper took turns racing their peanuts up the tree. On the last trips worth of peanuts Chipper lingered on the ground with his mouth and paws full facing the human, wishing he was capable of saying thank you. Knowing that had he not arrived, him and Baby would have gone without food for the night, and knowing that he was lucky to maintain territory in such awesome humans’ yard. But since there was no way to show his gratitude he made his way up the tree and the human turned back towards the house.

Baby said, “I thought they would win. I was so scared, but I guess you were right about those humans. They are nice.” Chipper just nodded in agreement.

He glared at his enemies, who waited across the street. They might be brave enough to enter his yard, but there was no way they’d attempt climbing his tree. For the night they were safe, but he knew that they’d be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that until they finally got what they wanted – Chipper and Baby’s gold mine of peanuts. And they were sure to tell other squirrels about this land and Chipper’s humans too. He knew that eventually there would be even more to ward off and he just hoped Baby would be capable of helping by then or at least that his humans would come to the rescue again.

If you are interested in reading more of S.Whisted’s Short Stories, please check out her blog by clicking HERE or going to this domain.

http://swhisted.livejournal.com/

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FUNNY STORY : My Daughters 16th Birthday Party

VIDEO STORY : Drunk 4 Year Old Steals Neighbors Presents

Heath — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:59:30 PST

Now this is one crazy news story! This 4 year old drinks a beer, goes into his neighbors house, steals presents. Goes outside and roams the streets wearing a dress and holding a beer, rings a doorbell, then gets caught by the cops holding the beer! Taken to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. Don’t believe me? Watch this video…

http://www.newschannel9.com/news/year-987196-old-christmas.html

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Coach Thell’s Story : Vegetarian Candy

Coach Thell’s 2nd Story : Wrestling Racecar

Heath — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:00:16 PST

I’m at a wrestling meet & 1 of my kids notices that Glenelg is spelled the same frontwards & backwards. I say ‘yea thas called a… a…’. I couldn’t think of what it was called so I asked 1 of my other kids i coach ‘Ay, whats it called when a word is spelled the same frontwards & backwards?’. To which he looks up at me & responds…’Racecar?’.
Me & the other kid just look at each other & say at the same time ‘What???’.(Later on we realized it was called a palindrome)
After an hour of teasing we let it go. The last match of the day came around. By this time the kids were tired & sum a lil beat up. But with a lil motivation they came together & got pumped for the last match of the day. They lined up to clap it up for the first wrestler to come out. As he came down the line i stopped him & said”Ay, go out there & wrestling smart,,, no easy takedowns ,,, 1st move,,, & racecar. High 5″. In which he high 5′d me & said “racecar” & then beat his opponent. The kid who said racecar did not like this & was gettin annoyed with every “Racecar” & high 5. After about the 5th or 6th kid came out i looked over at him sulking in the corner so i made the team give him a group hug.
During one of the matches the referees changed. As 1 of my kids was getting close 2 pinning his kid i yelled”Lift his head… bring him in… alright now racecar.RACECAR!”. This made the ref laugh causing him 2 toot on his whistle(which was in his mouth).
I put my head behind my other coach 2 chuckle a bit as he turned 2 me with a smile & said “You’re an asshole”

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Leslie’s Story : My Lips Are Burning!

Heath — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 10:41:36 PST

The day started off with a bang…I go in to get my 18 month old son up to get him ready for daycare only to realize that at some point in time during the night he had taken his pants and diaper off. To my surprise he had not gone to the bathroom but had “found” his “ting ting” as he calls it and would not stop grabbing at it and screaming about how excited his was that he had managed to take off his diaper by himself. After chasing him around for a few mins I realized just how late I was going to be to work so we rushed out the door…as most women do I put the remainder of my make up on while driving to work. I was blindly reaching into my purse to put on my lip gloss…started to put it on and my lips started to burn like crazy and then go numb. I pull over on the side of the road flipping out wondering what the hell is happening. I look at my tube of “lip gloss” only to realize it was a dern tube of baby oragel to numb my sons gums! So needless to say I went to work with puffed up lips and the feeling of drooling :) MY DAY AND MY STORY….some-days you gotta suck it up and put your big girl panties on right???

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Coach Thell’s Story : Vegetarian Candy

Heath — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:16:45 PST

Kid i coach when the subject of trick or treating was brought up “I dont eat candy, i’m a vegetarian”.
I said…. “What the thell does that gotta do wit anything? R U telling me u dont eat animal crackers, is that what u mean?”

Source : ‘Coach Thell’ (add Othell for hilarious wall comments)

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Coach Thell’s 2nd Story : Wrestling Racecar

Jerry’s Story : My Cat, My Closet, My Vacuum

Heath — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 23:45:55 PDT

Today I woke up and every plant in my house had the dirt disbursed all over the carpet thanks to the angry kitty. In my attempt to clean the dirt up, I hastily pulled out the vacuum. In doing so knocking over a bucket of powdered laundry detergent which rapidly spread amongst a ten foot area. So now to add insult to injury, I have to clean up a small mountain of detergent, and several plants dirt in several rooms. As I start cleaning I realize it has started thundering outside so I quickly try to vacuum as much as possible, completely forgetting to check the bag. With in minutes the vacuum starts to make a loud noise. I quickly unplug the vacuum and prepare to remove the bag. Noticing the zipper is extremely tight I slowly pull the zipper down. Upon reaching a part where the bag seems much slimmer, I pull down the rest of zipper which punctures the bag, explodes all over the room, my face, and is spread about with the help of a room fan on high. As I make my way to the bathroom to get the dust out of my eyes an extremely loud sound of thunder rings, which is followed by a complete loss of power. I quickly rinse the dust out of my eyes and make my way to the door choking on the dust. Only to trip over the vacuum, bang my face on the plant I moved to vacuum which gave me a black eye, landing with my mouth partially open in the mountain of laundry detergent I spilled. Again going to the bathroom to wash the soap out of my mouth I realize the prior use had drained the water pressure completely. We had absolutely nothing to drink in the fridge, so I rinsed my mouth out with all I had, vodka. After three rinses, I accidentally swallowed some. After that I threw up on the carpet. We are supposed to show off our house tomorrow to some potential buyers. That’s My Day, My Story….

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Merlins Oak Tree’s Story : The Molotov

Heath — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 23:14:05 PDT

Today, an order-writer at work had to fix a job. I saw the paperwork and it looked like a kindergartener would have been embarrassed by the messiness of the job. The woman, who owns her own company, had notes sideways, scribbly hand writing and things out of order all together. It was horrible! My friend had tried to decipher the mess but Hieroglyphics would have been easier. She told me in a hushed voice she wanted to throw a “Molotov into her house window”. I couldn’t and wouldn’t argue with her….She’s been my friend for 14 years and by God, she was right, irregardless of what she wanted to do…it was making her job and the scrutiny unbearable for her. A Molotov might have this issue solved.

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S.Whisted’s : Original Short Story ‘Squirrel Territory’