My diaper journal

Summer 2011

2011-08-23T15:28:00.003-04:00

As regular readers have no doubt noticed, I haven't been very active in the online diaper community this summer. I thought that once my thesis finished up I would be less busy ... wrong!

In May I landed an internship in a very busy producer's office, which gave me the opportunity to work on the set of three independent features. In many ways, it was awesome-- I feel like I have learned more in the last few months than I did in my entire 4 years of college. In others, it was horrible-- I was sleeping an average of 4 hours a night and working 12 hour days for less than minimum wage. It made the work I did on my thesis seem like nothing, and the work was pretty menial for films I didn't care about.

Then again, the most important thing I learned was probably that I was capable of working that hard. I also put those got grown-up clothes I blogged about while back to good use, and got very comfortable dressing like an adult professional when I was in the office.

I didn't learn to tie that tie, though. No one else wore one, so I would have been overdressed. I like looking sharp, but really I don't want to be the kind of guy who wears a tie every day.

One really nice thing that has happened this summer is that I've reconnected with a long time reader of this blog named Sara. She emailed me back in August 2010 and we were talking about meeting up, but my thesis film got in the way and we lost track of each other. My girlfriend and I met up with her in the middle of the night at the Sugar Cafe, a little 24 hour diner on East Houston Street.

Sara's also an art school grad, so we have a bit more in common than any of the other DLs I've met in person. Despite the fact that her first email to me said that she had been too shy/embarrassed to contact me for nearly a year since she discovered my blog, she's an adventuresome and impressively inquisitive girl with a habit of jumping into strange jobs and activities on craigslist.

She said she thinks she's always had a diaper fetish, but never acknowledged it to herself until she was a senior in college. For her, diapers are a totally sexual thing and she looses interest in them pretty soon after she has an orgasm. I can definitely identify with that feeling. It sucks to be having a great orgasm and come down from it to realize how stupid you must look as an otherwise normal and attractive twenty-something in a wet diaper. All you can do is change yourself out of it and take a good, thorough shower.

In my case, I think I started very close to those lines, but over time the sharpness of that mental U-turn has abated a bit. When I first started wearing diapers again, I would often wait until I felt the need to go to the bathroom and just put one on instead. I would let the feeling build up until I lost control and had a genuine accident. The feeling was so new to me at the time that for a while I would just ignore that sudden loss of interest and change into a fresh diaper right away, knowing that the urge to use one would come back as soon as I needed to go again.

Part of this habit came from the fact that it was difficult at first to let go unless it was an emergency. Sure, I've always been a pantswetter, but I was so used to keeping control as tight as I could until I was sitting on the toilet. As I got better at wetting my pants as soon as I felt the need to go, I learned that I really liked the feeling of just being able to forget about holding it at all. I learned to delay my orgasm so I could enjoy being diapered longer. I think that has something to do with why my interest in diapers fluctuates less than Sara's.

Speaking of fluctuations, there was an odd period in June when I felt pretty much zero desire to wear diapers. Around this time, our apartment was stricken with bedbugs. As those of you in NYC probably know, those baneful little beasts get EVERYWHERE. You have no idea where they are, and you have to treat everything. Disposable diapers would be a prime hiding place for them, and as a result, we would have had to ask the exterminator to treat them. The incredible awkwardness would have been unbearable. We opted to throw them away. I wondered at that time ... was this it for me and diapers? First this extended lack of desire, and now I was throwing the ones I have left away.

Well, I was without them for more than two months after that, experiencing the occasional twinge, but nothing even close to the urge I used to feel. Then two days ago, my friend jokingly brought up Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who drove from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida in diapers. It's dumb that this of all things would bring my desires back, but it did. He humorously suggested that he often thought of her when he was doing something and had to stop for a moment to get up to go to the bathroom. We were hanging out in my kitchen all day, talking philosophy over coffee, and after a bit all of us were getting up to pee pretty frequently. This is exactly the kind of situation where I always want to be in diapers, and realizing that I didn't have any made me want them even more.

Later, as we were hanging out and watching the old X-Men animated series from the '90s, (now on Netflix instant!) I suddenly realized that episode 8, “The Unstoppable Juggernaut,” contained one of the most memorable diaper references of my childhood.

Those readers who are DLs (which must be pretty close to everyone) will know what I'm talking about when I say "memorable references." As a kid, I would always take special interest any time someone in a movie or TV series would mention diapers. Even just commercials for diapers would capture my rapt attention. In this particular episode, Juggernaut teases Jubilee about wearing diapers.

Here's a link to the clip.

I can't even say how many Jubilee fantasies that line spurred for little 10 year old me. At that age, I was having daytime wetting accidents more often than any other time in my life, and I had a drawer full of stained X-Men underwear. I was so sure I was going to be put back in diapers any day. The thought that this cool, spunky superhero girl might have the same issue as me was incredibly exciting. If internet access had been available to me at the time, you can bet that I would have been responsible for some truly ridiculous fanfiction. As I write this, I am actually shocked that google image search does not turn up any images of Jubilee in diapers. Come on, Internet. You are seriously slacking ... what the hell happened to “Rule 34?” (On that note, I invite those artists among you to submit your sexiest diapered-Jubilee fan art. I'll put it up and judge the winner. Go!)

Remembering all this was too much for me. The next day, I went out and got a pack of Depends Maximum Protection. I was wearing them when my girlfriend came home with a friend from work in tow.

I am generally pretty calm about wearing in public, but Depends are loud, I wasn't wearing a belt, and I had the pack sitting in plain sight in the bedroom. I dashed to the bedroom and tossed the pack under the bed just as my girlfriend started giving her friend the grand tour. My behavior probably seemed pretty strange, but I got them hidden in time.

Then I had to get the one I was wearing off. I sat talking with them for a bit, then excused myself to the bathroom. The door is right next to the kitchen table where we were all sitting, and I had to turn the water on so the sound would drown out the crinkling as I changed out of the diaper. Luckily, it was still dry, so clean up was not an issue.

I hid it at the bottom of the trash can, under the liner, then flushed and came out like nothing had happened.

A close call, but the crisis was averted.

Wow, so thankful to have diapers today!

2011-04-05T13:31:00.012-04:00

So last night in class I started having these monstrous stomach cramps. I thought I could wait to use the bathroom until the end of the movie the teacher was screening, but I had to run to the bathroom a couple of times before it was over to keep from messing myself. Luckily I avoided any public potty-disasters, but it was so urgent that I was checking my underwear each time I got to the toilet to make sure I hadn't had an accident on the way.

I thought I was okay once I got home, but I must have just been emptied out ... because after breakfast this morning it got so bad I had to put on a diaper. I've been messing myself a little every time I pass gas, which is like every few minutes. Definitely not my ideal diaper experience, but it beats being stuck in the bathroom for hours on end and not know when it'll be safe to get off the toilet. There are some times I a extremely glad to have a closet full of diapers, and this is definitely one of them.

Diapers in the News

2011-01-27T22:46:00.009-05:00

So it seems like every time I open the "Diapers in the News" forum at DailyDiapers, there is another story about how some crazy fetishist has exposed their diapers to children in public, or fooled some unsuspecting person into changing their diapers by pretending to be disabled, or some other equally horrendous crime. As one of the overwhelming majority of people in the diaper community who are completely sane, here is my response.

An excerpt from her interview: "I knew when I looked out my window and saw a litter of kittens trapped at the top of a burning building, I had to do something. I had just put on a fresh diaper, as I often do while responding to 'thank you' notes from the children at the orphanages I operate.

"Now, I know wearing diapers for fun might seem strange to some people, but I love the feeling of just being able to let go whenever I feel the need. Plus, there are just so many letters, and I would hate to give even one of those dear little waifs any less than the attention they deserve, just because I needed to use the bathroom.

"I am usually very discreet when it comes to diapers. I may be an internationally famous supermodel philanthropist and cancer researcher, but I like to keep a low profile. Not that I feel like it is wrong in any way-- I love myself and know that everyone has little quirks. I've told my significant other and a few close friends, but it would just be embarrassing for everyone to know.

"All thoughts of my own reputation went out the window when I saw those kittens, though. I knew there was no time to waste getting dressed: I just grabbed my grappling hook and did what needed to be done."

A few pics

2011-01-27T20:04:00.014-05:00

So today was a snow day. I took the opportunity to clean the house and take a few pics. Since Bambino discontinued their small size, I've been using Depends Maximum Protection for the first time in a long time. They're pretty decent for wearing around the house as long as I'm careful about leaks, but I still don't trust them enough to wear when I'm out and about. They'll hold about one good wetting, and a little more if you don't flood them all at once, but I can't imagine relying on them for 24/7 wear. You'd have to change every hour or so!

One thing I do kind of like about them though is how obvious it is when you're wet or messy. Besides the indicator disappearing, the plastic backing is pretty much transparent and lets everybody know what you've done in your diaper. Anyhow, here they are. Enjoy!

Bambino discontinues small size diapers

2011-01-12T17:17:00.013-05:00

You are looking at a picture of what is possibly the last small size Bambino diaper in existence. I went to their website yesterday and found that they were out of stock, and when I sent them an email asking when the small size would be back in, this is the email I got:

Thank you for your e-mail. Due to the lack of demand we are no longer manufacturing our size small diaper, we are however working hard to find an alternative for our customers. We have found a product the Molicare Super Plus that we feel best meets our standard for a superior diaper. This product runs a little smaller than our other diapers so please try a sample first. Please see details regarding sizing on our website.
Thank you,
*Bambino Customer Service*

The next smallest size is their medium, which will fit a 32-44 inch waist. It's depressing to think their are enough overweight people out there to justify making an extra large size, but not enough of us skinny DLs to make us a viable market. If you're reading this somewhere out there any you're as dismayed as I am about this, I suggest you send an email to bambinodiapers@gmail.com requesting that they bring back their small size. Then buy a damn case of them-- because without the support of the diaper community, who knows ... they might go under entirely.

Update:

So I did a little research, and it seems that the small size diapers were being phased out as early as June 2010. The following posts are from Bambino forum at DailyDiapers:

28 June 2010 - 10:13 AM
I just noticed Small Classicos are no longer available on the website! Sad Panda! Not all ABDLs are fatasses!

04 October 2010 - 10:02 PM

Hm. Well I E-mailed Bambino and they basically told me that they have no intention whatsoever of making small classicos or teddys again. Lame.
I'm honestly quite a bit put-out by this. It's basically Bambino saying that those of us who are smaller are, frankly, not worth the attention. This is a big mark against them in my eyes and I shall have to consider wearing another product in the future.

08 October 2010 - 01:02 AM
I wouldn't mind paying more if it meant having the variety in small.
There is also an update to this little Saga, however. Bambino sent me a further E-mail, despite saying that they have no intention of having Teddies or Classicos in small, saying they intend to have OTHER new products in small. While I am not holding my breath (of course, history tends to repeat), I am interested.
I still like the company, again, and they still make GREAT products. It just happens that I don't like being ignored.

15 November 2010 - 12:15 AM
Since they just stopped offering Small Biancos too, it seems that those of us who are smaller will just have to go somewhere else. I'm glad the medium/large/xl folks have something great for them still but now there's literally no Bambino product for us Small folks.

So there you have it. I got mine at the end of August, so they were probably among the last of them. Maybe if business picks up for them they will start offering the small size again ... but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Last winter break ever

2011-01-03T20:45:00.023-05:00

Hey loyal followers,

It's winter break for the last time in my school career, and I have never been busier in my life. I haven't really been keeping up with the online diaper community since September. I feel somewhat guilty because there were a couple people emailing me about meeting up at the end of the summer who I left hanging. I just wanted to post to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, and that I have every intention of keeping this blog active and meeting up with people as soon as I have a bit of time and sanity to spare.

Diapers have definitely taken a back seat in my life in the last few months, but as you can see from the picture above, I have gotten a few good diapered days in over the break. I'm just about through that box of Bambinos I ordered at the end of August. As soon as I have some spare cash I will probably order more. They are basically everything that I'd hoped, but I was so used to GoodNites before I got them that I had forgotten how much trickier it is to get the tapes on a real diaper just right, especially when they aren't refastenable and tear or lose their stickiness if you don't get the right fit on the first try.

Come to think of it, the only other times I've worn a diaper with non-refastenable tapes were when I was first experimenting with Depends back in 2006 ... and by that I mean the only other times ever. My mom recently reminded me of this when she called me up during a trip to the laundromat.

"Oh, your building doesn't have a washer and dryer?" she said. "I remember those days. I used to have to go to the laundromat every day to wash your diapers. I only used organic cotton on you."

Her reminiscence of diapering me caught me quite off guard. It was the first time in my memory that she had ever spoken about me wearing diapers other than to remind me how quickly I was out of them.

"Well ..." I said, her. "You really went all out."

We both laughed, but me mostly from the irony of her complete ignorance of fact that I was still wearing diapers. The conversation soon turned to other matters, but her mention of how I had worn only cloth diapers set me to wondering, as I occasionally have in the past: why am I so much more interested in disposables?

I guess I was too much too young when I was potty-trained to have any conscious memories of my organic cotton days, and that the easiest explanation for my interest in disposable diapers would be that it arose from seeing my younger siblings diapered. I'll admit that when my second little sister was born and there were disposables in the house for the first time I was very interested in trying one, but as I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my first memories regarding my diapered desires began before that, when I was three or so and my first sister was a baby. She was in cloth diapers too ... and I can remember wanting to try them on. My current theory is that my desire for diapers originated from premature potty-training and intensified over the years as I struggled with imperfect control. These feelings were transferred to a specific desire for disposables when I saw my younger siblings and cousins wearing them them and became jealous, since they were something I could never have but by this time had realized I needed.

All this ruminating on the origins of my diaper fetish has led my train of thought to another somewhat mysterious artifact of memory from that early preschool period in my life, one that I am surprised to realize I have never written about before. It is an odd idea that I had at the time, which, looking back, says a lot about the early development of my fetish. I had this secret list in my head of things that, if you did them, would cause your potty training to be undone and land you back in diapers. Here it is.

1: Wet your pants
A logical first step. I was having wetting accidents so often back then, I felt sure I well on my way to being put back to diapers already. It hadn't happened yet though, so I guess I figured there was something else I needed to do before I could give up my "big boy" underwear. In retrospect, if I had just stuck to doing this one as often as possible, I would definitely have ended up in diapers sooner or later. Pooping my pants would probably would have sped up the process. Instead, I was misdirected to the second ritual task.

2: Use the baby potty
The baby potty on which I was trained continued to sit next to the real potty even after I had graduated from it, presumably waiting for the next child in line to be potty trained. I think that my notion of it possessing the power to undo my potty-training must have been tied to its standing as a constant reminder of the fact that I had once used it as a transition from diapers to my present, non-diapered state. In the murky logic of my preschool fancies, it is easy to see how I might have decided that if there was a way back into diapers, it would be the same way I had come-- through the baby potty.

3: Use a diaper

The final task here might seem redundant, but it was tied to another strange idea I had-- the idea that diapers weren't just something you wore when you didn't have control, but something that removed your control when you wore them. I figured that since my parents had granted me the ability to control my bladder and bowels through potty training, they could take it away just as easily by putting me back in diapers. As I imagined it, I would go back to zero control the minute I had a diaper on. My control would return fully as soon as the diaper was removed, but only if I hadn't used it-- once I "activated" the diaper by wetting or messing, it would be too late. If this happened, I would have no ability to control my bladder or bowels, even if I put my "big boy" underwear back on. I would be unable to regain any level of continence until my parents decided I was ready to move back up to the control-giving baby potty and give potty-training a second try.

So there you have it: another piece in the puzzle of what makes a Diaper Lover. My next post might not come until as late as May, (that's when I graduate) but it'll be worth the wait: I've been chipping away at first ever piece of diaper fiction for a while now, and by then it will probably be ready to see the light of day.

Until then,

CDB

New stuff

2010-08-15T18:17:00.023-04:00

I've been trying to dress more like a grown up lately. I mean, I'm in school to be a movie producer. How am I going to fly all over the globe to meet with investors if I don't look like someone who can be trusted with a couple million dollars?

I've gotten rid of my sneakers. I now have two pairs of very sharp looking leather shoes, one black one brown. I also have five amazing looking collared shirts and a waistcoat. Nearly everything came from Uniqlo.

Here is the big one though: I bought a tie. I don't know how to tie it yet, but that can come later. With everything on, I look like I stepped off the cover of Vogue. I want to get used to dressing this way during my last year of school so that I can actually feel like it's no big deal when I graduate and dress this way all the time.

Another big change that's taken place since the last time I posted is that my girlfriend and I moved into a huge fucking apartment, which we've been filling with things from Ikea. All of this is due to the fact that I have been working overtime and making more money than I have ever had.

However: my new-found financial freedom has also allowed me to indulge my more immature side more than ever. The absolute highlight of my summer was seeing Walking with Dinosaurs: The Arena Spectacular at Madison Square Garden. My girlfriend and I were screaming along with a stadium full of five-year-olds as each new dinosaur appeared. They were incredible. I was completely freaking out the entire time.

I'm slowly filling the holes in my comic collection too. There is this publisher I can't get enough of called Eclipse. In the mid-eighties, they put out some of the greatest comic series of all time, including Zot!, Airboy, and Mr. Monster. Not only do these books feature better writing and art than nearly any mainstream comics before or since, but they are also printed on better quality paper with a laser scanned color process which reproduces the painterly work of the colorist. The mechanically separated processes which came before and the tacky digital techniques which have been invented since are wholly inferior.

Now, you'd probably imagine that Eclipse comics are really expensive, right? Wrong! They are cheap and they are everywhere. Look in any back issue bin of 80s small press stuff and you will find them for next to nothing. I've got tons of singles, but what I'd really been wanting for forever are the lavish and long out-of-print hardcover editions which Eclipse collected some of these series into. Now I've finally got them! :D

Last of all, I finally ordered myself a 24 pack of Bambino Biancos. For those of you who may not know, Bambino is the Cadillac of diapers ... and they only come in adult sizes. That's because they are the first designer diaper, made for and by diaper lovers. For the adult baby crowd, they offer a couple of options in childish prints, but I will stick to the all-white "bianco" style until they come up with some designs featuring space stuff, superheroes, or dinosaurs.

For a long time, I had been wearing Pull-Ups GoodNites, which are a lot of fun and more absorbent than people generally give them credit for. Unfortunately, the largest GoodNites are designed with pre-teen bedwetters in mind, and as such they are meant to be wet gradually over the course of the night. They are fine for recreational daytime wear, as long as you wet them a little at a time whenever you start to feel the need to go, but they can't really take a full bladder release all at once. You also have to be careful how full you let them get, as they have a tendency to overflow when you sit down.

For all their downsides though, GoodNites are nice because they are cute, trim, and readily available. There are 5-7 million kids in America who wet the bed, and as such, you would be hard pressed to find a drug or grocery store that doesn't stock them. When it comes to adult sizes though, a good diaper is much harder to find. This is pretty weird, considering that about 25 million people nationwide deal with some form of incontinence ... and that doesn't even count the recreational diaper-wearers out there who supplement that market.

In any case, the diapers you can get from your local drugstore which are actually intended for adults aren't much better in the absorbency department than GoodNites. Also, they look stupid as hell. Depends, easily the most recognizable name brand in the field, are notoriously bad, unless you get the "fitted Maximum Protection" version. These still have crappy tapes, but they at least provide sufficient absorbency to do their intended job.

The "fitted Maximum Protection" Depends aren't easy to find though. Most major chain stores seem to prefer to stock the more middle of the road ones, which in my experience are some of the flimsiest diapers ever.

So the question you are probably asking yourself now is, "if so many people in America wear diapers, why the hell aren't there better ones at my local drug store?" Well, as Justin Peters put it in his article for Slate magazine, "Like chocolate, beer, and jewel thieves, the best adult diapers come from Europe. This is not coincidental. European manufacturers don't have to cater to institutional purchasers' demands, so they're more likely to sell on quality rather than cost."

That's right. Because 50% of all people in nursing homes are incontinent, large institutional buyers make up a major part of the sales for products like Depends. The booming medical industry here in the United States knows that people who can't take care of themselves aren't in a position to complain about the inadequacies of cut-rate diapers. Keep in mind that Kimberly-Clark, the company which makes flimsy adult incontinence products like Depends and Poise, is the same one which makes better products like Huggies, Pull-Ups, and GoodNites for kids. This is because parents generally have a stronger interest in their children's well-being than professional caretakers, and are therefore more likely to purchase diapers based on quality rather than cost.

So what if Bambino products suddenly appeared on store shelves across the nation? My guess is that anyone who wears diapers on a regular basis and had a choice in the matter would switch over without a second thought. Think of the comics I mentioned above. If everyone had known about Eclipse when those comics were just coming out, they would still be around and probably be bigger than Marvel is right now.

Another bonus to having a company like Bambino at the head of the diaper industry would be the fact that they are so in touch with the recreational diaper-wearing community. Kimberly-Clark does so much to promote the statistics about how common bladder control problems are. Imagine if Bambino was out there, as visible as them, saying "Yes! It is totally okay to want to wear diapers, whether your bladder control is good or not. You are not alone." I know it would have done a lot to ease my mind as a kid.

As soon as people realize that there are alternatives to the vastly inferior, mass produced garbage that big companies force upon us, the world will be a better place. That's one of the reasons I want to produce movies. We need people out there with good sense and taste, and it's worth applying these attributes to selecting a necktie if it means I will have an opportunity to use them in bringing new films to life with previously unknown creative talent. After all, I can always go home to an apartment filled with toys, games, and other un-grown-up things.

* * *

"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms.

"Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

-- C.S. Lewis

Out and About

2010-04-18T17:09:00.009-04:00

So much has happened since I last wrote! First of all, I finished my short film for the semester. Absolutely everything that could have gone wrong did, but it got finished. In other school news: I wet my pants in class.

It was in my finance and distribution class. A guy from Severn video had come in to talk about how he discovered this movie called Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It was made by a nutty Korean computer programmer who had trademarked the phrase “Master of the Romantic Thriller” for himself. After becoming obsessed with Alfred Hitchcock, he decided that he wanted to do an environmentally conscious update of The Birds. The birds in the movie were designed by a college student who flaked out at the last minute and didn't finish animating the models. The result is that the avian aggressors just kind of hang in the air and flap their wings mechanically. It is a bizarre thing to see.

After failing to get accepted to Sundance, the director decided to drive to the festival anyway and parade up and down the street in a van covered with fake birds and a loudspeaker rigged to emit eagle screeches. The guy from Severn video investigated, and to his great surprise he found what he described to us as the funniest movie he had ever seen.

He showed us a series of clips. I'm not sure what the funniest movie I've seen is, but Birdemic was enough that maintaining bladder control proved impossible. I held on as much as I could, but I couldn't stop laughing and the clips just kept coming. With each one, I wet myself a little more. Despite my best efforts, my bladder was completely empty in minutes.

Nobody noticed of course. I've had way too much experience hiding this kind of accident, especially at school. I kept seated until we were dismissed, and rushed out of class while everyone else was distracted with packing up their things. Before I left though, the guest speaker announce that Birdemic would be making its New York Premier in a couple of weeks at the IFC Center. As much as I wanted to see it, I knew that I would probably run into my teacher and classmates there. If I had wet this badly just watching a few clips, there was no way I was going to be able to stay dry though the whole movie. If I was going to go, I was going to have to wear a diaper.

It's still a little humiliating every time I realize that there are still times when I do actually need diapers. The embarrassment and lack of control associated with them is definitely one of the things that turns me on, but sometimes I wish my episodes of incontinence had an on/off switch that I could leave off unless I was safely at home and wearing adequate protection.

The freedom of knowing I could go to the movie and laugh as hard as I wanted without having to worry about maintaining control was awesome though. There were so many times when I was younger when I knew for sure that I was going into a situation where I was going to need a diaper and couldn't wear one. I always kind of dreaded watching any comedy with my friends, because I knew that the more I was enjoying the movie, the less chance I was going to have of escaping without an accident. Whenever I was having the best time, that's when I had to worry most about humiliating myself in front of my friends.

This time though, I was going with my girlfriend who understood about my wetting issues and knew that I would need to be diapered. It was so liberating to just accept that I needed protection and to know that I was with someone who wasn't going to make fun of me for it.

It was certainly a good thing that I wore protection. I haven't wet myself so much in a movie since I saw Jim Carrey in The Mask at the age of eight. That's saying something, too; my uncle who took me to that one still tells stories about how I was upside down in my seat with change falling out of my pockets.

I actually wet so much during Birdemic that I leaked. When I stood up, there were two little crescent shaped wet spots under my bottom. I was only wearing a GoodNites Pull-Up though. Next time I'm in a situation like this I'll know to wear something more heavy-duty.

As we were waiting in the subway for the train home, my girlfriend turned to me and asked “Did you use it?”

We had been taking about the movie until then, so I wasn't exactly sure what she meant. “Use what?” I asked.

She replied by reaching around and giving my diapered bottom a squeeze, right where I knew I had leaked. I gave a little “meep” of surprise and blushed.

“Um ... yeah ... I'm totally soaked. I think I leaked a little.”

She hugged me gave a sympathetic little “aww.”

“It's okay,” she whispered into my ear.

“You realize though,” I whispered back, “that you just gave me a diaper check in public?”

Both of us kind of broke down into embarrassed giggles at that point. It was good to know that I was going to get hugged and and laugh with her about it together with her rather than get laughed at or scolded.

That would be the end of the story, but last night I was out eating Japanese food with a friend who used to be a professional dom and phone sex operator. It kind of goes without saying that she is a person who is very understanding about fetish stuff.

She just got out of a bad relationship, so we were talking about relationship stuff. It came up how important mutual respect and open-mindedness are in sex. I had thought about opening up to her about my diaper fetish before, but the subject had always changed or we got interrupted. This time it didn't, and before I knew it, I was telling her all about my history of wetting myself and wanting to wear diapers.

She didn't even bat an eye, and was even interested to know more. She had dealt with some adult baby clients in her phone sex days, but never someone who just liked diapers. Afterward, we met up with my girlfriend and went bowling at 1:30 AM. I won, which never happens, and then we went out for a chocolate malt. It was a good night, and it occurs to me now how really excellent it was when I consider the fact that I was in the company of two friends who both knew all about my most embarrassing secret and still wanted to hang out with me.

Let it snow.

2009-12-19T23:30:00.005-05:00

Christmas time has kind of sneaked up on me this year, but it's definitely here. We pulled our plastic tree out of the closet this morning, and upon going outside we were greeted by the beginnings of a good, thick snowfall. The first snow of the season, and what a snow it was! It'll be horrendous black slush by tomorrow, but for now New York City is white and beautiful. My sister is visiting for the holiday break, so I've decided to use up the diapers we have on hand to avoid having to hide them from her.

So since the next day or two is going to be a diaper marathon, I wanted to catch up on my online diaper stuff. The person in our building with wi-fi moved out, so these days I have to go to the laundromat to get a signal. Consequently, I haven't been keeping up with the Internet fetish world.

Today though, I felt like celebrating the end of a pretty stressful semester, so I decided that I'd indulge a little. Checking that kind of stuff in public is always a little risky, but I figured it would be okay if I just sat with my back to the wall so no one coming up behind me would wonder what in the world I was doing. It wouldn't be the first time I did something along those lines. Anyway, it's not like it would even matter if some total stranger caught a glimpse of my profile pic on DiaperSpace and got weirded out, but discretion is always the most courteous choice when it comes to fetish stuff.

I have to say though, if I saw somebody checking diaper stuff in public, I would totally approach them and introduce myself as a fellow DL. How awesome would it be to randomly meet someone else from such a small scene at the laundromat?

In any case, my daring little adventure paid off, because there were new chapters on to two of the best ongoing diaper fics on DailyDiapers. Speaking of which, I was thinking that since I will have some time over the holiday break, I might do a series of literary reviews highlighting some of the better written pieces of fetish fiction out there in the diaper world. I mean, most of it is pure garbage, so this will save you guys some time which would otherwise be spent sifting though unreadable/boring/batshit-crazy writing. I might even write one myself; we'll see.

So basically, after copying the stories to word files, I decided to keep surfing. It was at this point that I got a real opportunity to take advantage of my diapers in a situation where having to get to a toilet would have been inconvenient. The restroom at our laundromat is permanently out of order, so if I ever really have to go (which always seems to happen when I'm there) I have to stop what I'm doing and go home relieve myself. Today was a no-toilet day though, so I just let go as soon as I felt the need and completely wet and messed my diaper. Walking home in the snow with a full diaper was awesomely warm.

Now that I'm back at the laundromat to post this, the snow has piled up into huge, knee-deep drifts and it's so thick in the air that you can barely see. It looks like this is going to be a very white Christmas.

Real wetting accidents

2009-10-12T11:12:00.009-04:00

So my girlfriend's birthday was a few days ago. She got David Sedaris' When You Are Engulfed In Flames from her sister. We are both big fans of the author, and whenever his stuff is in the New Yorker we like to read it aloud. She and I decided that it would be fun to spend the day cuddling in bed and do the whole book that way.

It was around the story “In the Waiting Room” that my girlfriend had to stop and use the restroom. We were both laughing so had we were afraid we would wet our pants. She suggested that I should probably go as well, that or put on a diaper.

So ... have you ever noticed that if you laugh really hard you get an erection? Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I couldn't use the toilet pointed up like that, and even though that position generally makes a diaper less effective, we both figured it was better than risking our new sheets. Even though my control has been pretty good since my middle teenage years, it plateaued around that time just short of being complete. There is a certain point when I am laughing where I have always been unable to maintain control. I'm lucky that my girlfriend has come to recognize when I am getting to that point, because during “Town and Country” I completely wet myself. Luckily, I had taken the opportunity during one of the less sidesplitting stories to point myself down for maximum absorbency.

It was pretty embarrassing whenever I have genuine accident like that, because it reminds me that my control still isn't complete and probably won't ever be. Still, it is incredible to just be able to put a diaper on if I need one. When I was younger I used to love Jim Carry movies, but I knew that I would wet myself at least once every time I whenever I watched one. Though funny movies were the worst for it, the same went to a slightly lesser degree for a lot of things, even just visiting friend's houses. If I was going to be there all day, laughing and having a good time, I knew there was a good chance I was setting myself up for a wetting accident. If I had had Pull-Ups on hand for occasions like this, I could have been able to have fun without my enjoyment being compromised by bathroom worries. A friend's mother once remarked to mine that “That boy uses the bathroom more than any other kid I have ever met.” It didn't surprise me either. I was forever running to the toilet in hopes that it would keep me dry. It never really did. In fact, I probably wet my pants more often at that friend's house than anywhere else. My constant vigilance did make sure the inevitable wettings would be smaller though, and that helped to hide them.

Anyhow, my mother responded to this comment by telling her that I had been potty-trained at a very early age. Thinking back, it occurs to me that this answer may have been an even better explanation than my mother realized. The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps something about straining the muscles of my bladder before they were ready may have damaged them or caused a some loss of sensation. Stress incontinence (the kind where you wet when there is stress on the muscles like laughing or sneezing) is most common in children whose muscles are still weak down there. My mother's overeager attitude toward potty-training may have ironically been the reason why I was never totally able to master it.

It's funny, I actually had a pretty bad wetting accident this summer when I was at my mother's house. I was watching this video. Being around all my younger siblings in that old house, trying to hide the fact that I had wet my pants, I felt like I was in elementary school again. I had a tough time getting away to change my pants, but I managed it. I had to sit in wet jeans for over an hour before I got a chance to slip away for a moment. Luckily, we were sitting at the computer when it happened and there was enough going on in the house that no one was really paying attention. At the time, I actually thought for a moment that I might really get caught in front of everyone on this one. That would have been something: outed to my whole family as a pants wetter just a few weeks away from my twenty third birthday. I wonder if my mother would even have been surprised.

Oh, one last note ... that last diaper meet-up was another one where it was just me and one other person. His name was Kevin, and he had just come to the City for an internship at a publishing company. It was another nice, normal meeting-- further backing up the case that there are people out there interested in building a friendly, social, real-life fetish scene.

Further updates on meet-ups in NYC

2009-09-05T07:46:00.006-04:00

Alright, so my internet has been out of commission for a month and I've been in and out of town with the new semester of school looming ever closer. In short, I have had no time for diapers even in my own apartment. I hadn't even checked my diaper specific email since like ... the end of July or something.

Anyhow, I just checked it. As it turns out, I missed a meet-up on August 15th. Three people made it out ... but not all at the same time. One got there earlier than the others and had to leave before they arrived. I really should have been there. This is mortifyingly lame.

Anyway, the third time is the charm, and the next meet is going to be the big one. Here is the email I sent out:

Jeez guys, bummer about the meet! Then again, it was still ever-so slightly better attended than last time when it was just me and Nicole. I really should have been there ... I started this group after all. What sucks is that my internet has been out of commission for a month and I've been in and out of town with the new semester of school looming ever closer. In short, I have had no time for diapers even in my own apartment. I hadn't even checked this email since like ... the end of July or something. Anyway, the third time is the charm, and the next meet is going to be the big one.

So I'm making an official announcement! Monday, September 28th at 5 PM, the group will be meeting at Penn Station! I am completely, totally 100% guaranteed to be there if you show up, even if no one else does. No one is going to get stood up because I'm clearing my schedule, which the ageplayers among you may be pleased to note is a very adult looking black moleskine with some very kindergarten looking dinosaur stickers on it.

The crisp autumn weather should be awesome if it doesn't rain, because late September is absolutely my favorite time of year to be in New York City. Even if it rains, we'll go somewhere and get warm drinks, the perfect activity for an autumn afternoon.

I urge anyone who doesn't have anything planned for that day to discreetly mark it as booked in whatever little appointment thing they have. It's like, a month away. We can't all be that busy. We've got enough people on the list now that it should be a pretty surefire bet that two or three people besides me have no plans yet.

Anyhow, I was kind of thinking as I was reading the discussion about identifying each other that there should be an official signifier. I know that this has been talked about before, and that the conclusion is that the whole diaper community isn't going to be able to agree on a universal symbol. So, as the person got this whole email group started, I was thinking that there should be one for our group. I'm going to get a bunch a round, white pins (like circular badges, you know?) made with a letter "D" on them. They will be totally unobtrusive because D is the first letter in a lot of words, and white is the color of a lot of things. We'll know it means diapers though, which means that our little meet up will be able to recognize each other. Anyway, anyone who shows up on September 28th will get one.

Incentive!

:D

I have a good feeling about this one. If you are a diapered, pantswetting, or all-around-kinky teen-through-twenty-something in the area: diapermail@yahoo.com is the place to get involved and help make this a success.

Sex life & stomach issues

2009-07-18T17:10:00.008-04:00

So sometimes when my girlfriend is having stomach problems, she likes to wear a diaper for protection. She's had problems before with messing her panties when she is having digestive issues, particularly when she is asleep, so it's a reasonable precaution. Well, the other day she woke up feeling not very well and made a bee-line for the bathroom. She made it, but after a little while she called through the door asking if I could bring her a diaper just in case.

She started feeling much better very quickly, but she still wore diapers all day to be safe. She didn't end up using them, but it was an incredible turn on to watch her walking around in just a diaper and tank top. She caught on, of course, and started bending over and showing off her diapered bottom. At one point she got a phonecall from this guy in the porn industry she is editing a reel for. By then, she was completely naked except for her diaper, talking on the phone about the business end of the adult industry to a guy who would never have suspected what she was doing. It was pretty funny to watch, not to mention totally hot.

We had some incredible sex, and she ended up wearing a diaper to bed, just in case she had an accident in the night.

The next morning, I woke up to a very snuggley diapered girl. We made out for a while and talked a little about ways we might incorporate diapers into our sex life together in the future. She suggested that she might wear a little short skirt that she could flip up every now and then to give me a peek of what she was wearing underneath.

We'll see what happens.

Meeting up in real life

2009-06-21T15:23:00.011-04:00

So I mentioned way back in February that I was in the process of organizing an opportunity for some college-aged ABDLS in the New York City area to meet each other discreetly over coffee in real life. Well, it finally happened.

It took some doing. I put some notices out on the New York section of the "Meeting Place" board on Daily Diapers and in the AB/DL's in New York/New Jersey group on DiaperSpace. Slowly, the responses came in. Once I had six volunteers, we started discussing dates. It took a while to reach a consensus, but it seemed like the first Sunday in June would be good for everyone. It took until two days before that date to decide this though, and last minute conflicts were basically guaranteed to crop up. We had enough people though that even if half of them didn't show up it would still be enough for a reasonably-sized meet-up. Anyway, my girlfriend was out of town and I was bored. I emailed everyone my cell phone number and told them to call me when they got to Penn Station. That was our meeting spot, since we had people on the list who were commuting all the way from Connecticut and Jersey.

Well, Sunday, June 7th arrived and I rode the train up to Penn Station. When 3 PM (our scheduled meeting time) arrived, I got a call.

"Hey, this is Nicole, from ... the group."

Awesome. Someone had shown up.

"Hey," I replied, "great, you made it. I'm at 34th street. Where are you?"

"I'm by the K-Mart," she replied.

"Great. I'll meet you there."

I walked down 34th street until I saw the K-Mart sign and called Nicole back.

"Hey," I said. "I'm at the K-Mart. I'm waving."

Coming through the crowd, I spotted a redhead waving back. This was it! My first meeting with another diaper lover. We shook hands and introduced ourselves properly.

"So," she asked, "how long have you been into ... diapers?"

"Um," I said. "Basically since I was little. Since I can remember."

It was such an unusual sensation to just be having a discussion like this in the middle of a crowded street. It's like F. Scott Fitzgerald says though; large parties are the most private, and New York is the biggest party of all.

As it turned out, this wasn't Nicole's first meeting. She had met five or six other people in the area who were into diapers. She explained that she had grown tired of reading the same kinds of posts over and over again on internet message boards and that she hardly even visited them any more except to get in contact with people in the New York area. She had had one bad experience meeting with a guy who turned out to be a total creep who enjoyed sending weird text-messages, but she had had her share of good encounters too.

After about half an hour of standing around in front of K-Mart, we realized that we were probably the only ones coming. We started walking and ended up on the Lower East Side, where we decided to grab a bite to eat.

Over lunchtime conversation, I found out that she had known two other DLs at the small college she attended upstate. One of them she met through a message board and had some play with. He told her there was at least one other DL at their school that he knew of, but he wouldn't divulage the name. Later she found out that the mystery DL was someone she had spent an entire summer working side by side with. Coincidence? I guess so, but my guess is that there are more of us out there than anybody realizes. I told her about DLightning's blog and how he had this symbol that looked like an inconspicuous designer logo that he was making plans to promote. She agreed that it was a good plan. If she or her co-worker had had something like that to identify themselves as a diaper lover, it certainly would have made lunch hour conversation more interesting.

In addition to diaper stuff, we talked about movies, literature, living situations in New York, and all kinds of other things. It was a good experience to be able to just talk about being into diapers as a normal, everyday issue ... because for a lot of people it totally is. We just have to create opportunities like this where we can meet and find out just how normal it is.

In any case, we both agreed that we'd like to do this again to give everyone who didn't make it this time around an opportunity to attend a real life gather of diaper lovers. She suggested it might be fun to do a picnic in central park next time.

As I've said before, any of you teens/twenty-somethings in the area who are interested in participating should shoot me an email at diapermail@yahoo.com ... and if our group isn't near you in NYC, don't be afraid to put yourself out there and start getting together a meet-up in your own town. Remember: use common sense. One on one meetings with internet-strangers in private places are a bad plan, kids. A good meet-up should be held in a public place where everyone is going to be comfortable. Don't get discouraged if responses are slow, and keep gathering those emails until you have a good sized group that is close in age. And remember ... if you do hold a meet-up in your area, we want to hear how it went! Write a blog about it, or at least comment here so everyone in our group can hear about how other people are organizing. Who knows ... if we get enough groups together and keep in touch, DLs sometime down the line might be able to visit each other's groups if they find themselves traveling with some time to kill.

Anything's possible ...

The sad demise of DLTown

2009-04-18T09:37:00.004-04:00

So DLTown shut down. It's pretty sad; their vision for the site was a good one. They didn't have giant phonesex ads about poopy diapers, their site was faster than Diaperspace and they didn't have any glaring bugs or a colorscheme that made the board difficult to see. More importantly, their header proclaimed that on this site there would be no "BS nonsense." A diaper site without empty profiles, compulsive liars, and trolls would be nice ... but until DLLightning gets his site up and running, this is still in the realm of fantasy. There are definately some lessons to be learned from DLTown's fate that should be heeded by anyone with a similar vision for a site without BS nonsense. Anyway, here is the letter that was up for a few days after they closed the site down:

Dear friends,

We have decided to close DLTown indefinitely. There are many factors which lead up to this decision. First and foremost, we are going to be expecting a new addition to our family very soon which is going to consume most of our time and we are no longer going to be able to dedicate the effort that is required to run this site. In addition, this site consumes WAY too much money for us to afford financially. With a new house (and a baby on the way) the money we spend on this site each month could be better spent elsewhere. Of course, we GREATLY appreciate all of the help and support that we've received. We've met some really awesome people over the past few months, but at the same time, we've met a lot of negative people as well. As sad as it seems, about ninety five percent of the people in this community are: slime balls, fakes, creeps, stalkers, and quite frankly, we're tired of dealing with them. The added stress is not needed, especially now. These douche bags, destroy the implied trust that a close knit community SHOULD have and we're tired of it. Too many people are backstabbing and judgmental. In the past week, we've already saw negative threads on other forums and communities criticizing and speculating. This venture was never meant to be a source of income. The majority of these individuals are underage, still live at home, and have no financial responsibility. They have no clue what it.s like to maintain a mortgage, make the car payment, pay the insurance, keep up on utilities, put food on the table, and everything else. Get out of your parent.s house, go get a life outside of the internet, work a job, pay all your bills on time, and THEN feel free to judge. Too many self centered individuals exist in this community who take a lot, but give nothing. We owe absolutely nothing to anyone and yet everybody acted like we did. Very few people were ever satisfied. People fought, bickered, and argued about every little thing. Our vision for this site has pretty much been destroyed. After a lot of thought, we have decided that the best option for us is to refrain from the online DL community completely and keep our fetish private and offline. We wish the best of luck to everybody on wherever life takes you. And to our true loyal friends, we.re glad to have been given the chance to meet all of you. We're glad there are some individuals, who truly rise above all the deception and sleaziness that is present in this community. People like you give a glimmer of hope that above all the negativity, there really are good people in this world.

Best regards,
Shannon :(
admin@dltown.com

PS: If anybody wants the dltown.com domain, I'll transfer it to the registrar of your choice for a little bit of nothing.

It's a dirty shame that this community seems to be working to systematically drive out the people who do the most for it. Let's all raise a glass to DLTown's memory and meditate a little on what the constructive members of the community can do in the future to build stronger connections while fighting off the slime balls, fakes, creeps, and stalkers.

Oops ...

2009-03-29T12:42:00.005-04:00

So the other day I was wearing girl underwear. I can pass pretty easily; I get mistaken for a girl all the time, even when I'm not consciously in girl mode. I rarely dress in full-on drag, but if I'm wearing underwear it is usually panties. My wardrobe consists mostly of jeans and T-shirts anyway, so it's pretty unisex. If the gender question on my tax forms was a write-in instead of a check box, I'd put "David Bowie."

Most of my panties are pretty demure ... I'm not really into the over-the top sexy ones or anything with tons of frills. Generally, those make me feel a lot more silly than sexy. I'd rather just have something innocent and cute that actually makes me feel like a girl than a tiny piece of lace that does little to contain a rather obvious part of my anatomy.

Anyway, I woke up in girl mode the other day and decided on green and yellow stripes. They're pretty fucking cute. It was a busy day and I sort of forgot I was even wearing them. After the day's classes were done, I went up to one of the studios in the main building to help a classmate with a shoot he was doing. I was the assistant director, which basically meant I was running the show except with regards to telling the actors what kind of performance to give.

The scene we were doing was in a bar set the school has. I was climbing over the counter to get a wire out of the shot when a girl behind me giggled.

"Hey, cute underwear."

I turned around to see the whole crew looking in my direction. I blushed hard. My girlfriend, who is also in the film department, was on set at the time as well, giving me a look of sympathy.

"Are they boxers or briefs or ... do I see a flower?"

I didn't think I was wearing the flower ones today ... the tag must be sticking out.

"Um, well," I replied. "They're girl's underwear actually."

She just shook her head and laughed.

"Wow," she said laughing and shaking her head. "You're awesome. So you and your girlfiend ... do you match?"

"Um," I said. "Not today."

"Are they ... comfortable?"

"Yeah," I said, blushing harder. "They're pretty snug."

A couple of the guys on set looked interested.

"Really?" one said. "I had always kind of wondered."

Essentially it was one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me, especially because I was trying to project an air of authority. I managed to play it pretty well, and keep a reasonable amount of dignity, despite the fact that my whole production class now knows that I wear panties.

Oh well. It totally could have been worse-- I could have been wearing a diaper.

Finally, a day off.

2009-03-05T12:52:00.008-05:00

Man ... the whole world is frozen out there. Winter really puts things on hold. I've been away from my usual internet haunts for a couple of weeks now, and apparently so has everyone else. Frigid weather, flu season, and a flatlining economy seem to have draped the whole world in a flat gray blanket of seasonal depression. I've been swamped with writing assignments, movie shoots, and the threat that "spring break" (which in NYC is going to be freezing, snowy, and generally not at all like spring) will interrupt all the work I am doing at school. Since today is my first day off in a while, I decided that it should be a diapered one. No ice-cold toilet seat today, thank you.

I've got a some chocolate chip cookies and an awesome comic book to read too: a thick hardcover collection of "Herbie," which is basically like if Daniel Pinkwater was writing comic books in the 1960s. Today is a day for maximum cuddling and contentment.

No news to report yet about that diapered college kids meet-up. I have a bunch of email addresses and basically just have everyone standing by for a date. We may just have to call it and decided that anyone who hasn't gotten in touch yet isn't interested. I'll probably contact people about a time and place this afternoon.

However! Despite a the recent lull in diaper activity (In my life anyway. Maybe you people have exiting diapered adventures every day.) there is one awesome development I have to announce to anyone who hasn't already heard: Monday morning, Bambino lowered their prices considerably, which is even better when you consider that they just made their diapers twice as absorbent in February. This cinches it ... I am totally springing for a case of Biancos.

BDSM & ABDL

2009-02-17T00:44:00.011-05:00

I recently made a long winded comment at iHeartDiapers.com dealing with the subject of seeking a more general kind of acceptance for ABDLs, of the sort that BDSM enjoys. It really was so long as to qualify as a blog post all by itself, so I polished it up at little to stand better on its own and posted it here. Maddie here on blogspot has been talking about a lot of these things for a while, so be sure to visit her blog for more thoughts along these lines. I've hit on a few of these things before too, so if you've heard some this before, just bear with me. There's some good thoughts in here.

Anyhow, someone pointed out that BDSMs comparative kinkiness should, in all logic, make it a harder sell to the general public than ABDL. This is what I had to add:

In the public consciousness, BDSM, which was considered totally unacceptable 60 years ago, has now become what we think of when we think of sex. However, the key difference that holds the ABDL world back from that kind of public recognition is that BDSMers have been building a very open, intelligent, and supportive community since the 1950s. And let’s face it … the majority of people searching the Internet for ABDL material are not interested in the community. They are (for lack of a nice way of putting this) looking for something to jerk off to. They find it and they split. They have no interest in speaking with others intelligently via the web, don’t want to meet in public, and they won’t even risk outing themselves to their significant other. In short, they are closeted even from their own community.

BDSM had people like Betty Page to bring the subculture into the public eye and let everyone know that it wasn’t just gross old guys in dungeons, and that it could be fun, sexy, and tasteful. If some sexy young model or pop star came out publicly as ABDL and did a shoot in playboy or Esquire with Little Girl themes that had even a single diapered picture, you can bet that diapers and ageplay would be the new bondage.

However, there is a major issue in the community which will have to be addressed before ABDL subculture will be ready to “go public” in the way that BDSM has. That issue is the almost inseparable notions of shame and humiliation associated with diapers. We have got to have people out there who are willing to do some careful thinking, to find ways of making the general public ABDL-aware so that people who discover that they are ABDL don’t feel like it’s a good idea to closet themselves so severely they won’t even fill out a profile on a website. That’s going to mean risking shame for a lot of us. The community can’t remain faceless forever.

One person criticized Adrian Surley for endorsing more openness on her blog without showing her own face. This kind of behavior is another sad pitfall of our community; the idea that real participation in the scene means either total privacy or none at all. Certainly, there are plenty of people who, if approached in the right way, would open up as much as they felt comfortable doing. Unfortunately, such approaches are usually not taken. (Again, due in a large part to the fact that being highly closeted has been established as a norm within the community.) Now, I don’t show my (entire) face on my blog, but I come damn close. Close enough to where people who know me would probably recognize me if they somehow found their way to my site. That person would have to be surfing a diaper site to find it though … and that’s not likely unless they are also ABDL. But as I said, this really isn’t about forgoing all privacy, or convincing everyone who wants to mean something to the community to show their face all over the internet. In all honesty, I’m not even sure how much that would help. What the community really needs is someone young, attractive, and loaded with crossmarket-appeal who will be willing to not only show their face to our community, but to the world at large.

Once there are a few brave souls putting themselves into the public eye while laying down the dogma for people who aren’t in the know, (we’re not pedophiles, we play at a range of ages including adult, avoid the binge and purge cycle, etc.) more people are going to start finding their way to the community with a greater willingness to participate constructively. Reaching out to the BDSM community would probably be a good first step, including making a bigger showing at BDSM events with higher ABDL turnout, ageplay/diaper scenes and seminars, things like that. BDSMers are generally more accepting of alternative lifestyle choices than anyone else.

Personally, I try to keep a blog that non-ABDL people won’t be scared off by if they were to come across it. Adrian does a great job of this too; iHeartDiapers.com is probably the first site I would show to someone who had no prior knowledge of the ABDL subculture.

I'm currently in the process of organizing an opportunity for some college-aged ABDLS in the New York City area to meet each other discreetly over coffee in real life. Any of you teens/twenty-somethings in the area who are interested in participating should shoot me an email at diapermail@yahoo.com.

In any case, there are a lot of ways to help the community become more public … people are just going to have to organize and make a business plan before that can happen.

Meeting other DLs

2009-02-12T16:30:00.009-05:00

So for a while I have been considering that I live in one of the biggest cities in the world and I know I'm not the only one into diapers. Sometimes I'll sit on the train and wonder if any of the strangers around me might be headed home to visit the same diaper sites as me, or if maybe someone might even be wearing one only a few feet away, wondering the same thing about me. After all, no one really knows how many of us there are. There are about 23,000 registered users on Diaperspace, which is probably the highest count I've seen. That's world wide, but I think it's fair to say that about half of those are in the USA. So, let's suppose for a moment that there are 10,000 here in the United States, and that they are evenly distributed throughout the population. 2.5% of that population is here in New York City, so by this method of calculation there would be 250 diaper lovers here. Regardless of the exact numbers, NYC is the most densely populated city in the country, so the probability of running into another DL is definitely better here than anywhere else. In short, I got to thinking how weird it was that with all of these people with secret diapered desires running around, probably none of them had ever met or spoken. So, I decided to arrange it.

My initial worry about setting up a meet up like this was that there was a pretty good chance that a lot of those people are years apart in age, from vastly differing socioeconomic backgrounds, and would otherwise have nothing to talk about. They might not even speak the same language-- after all, it is New York City.

By the same token though, an equal number could be living, working, or going to school in the exact same place. So what I decided was to make a proposal via the DailyDiapers message boards for a meeting of of college-aged DLs. Whatever else, everyone would be close to the same age, just getting established, and have a lot more in common than a general, all inclusive meet up.

So my meet-up proposal has been up for a while and I've finally started to get some feedback: four people in the city and three people within commuting distance have spoken up about wanting to meet. I'm in the process of collecting everyone's emails and deciding on a place.

We'll see what happens ...

End of winter break

2009-01-11T18:32:00.015-05:00

So it's the last day of break. I have no idea what my school schedule is going to look like this semester, so I'm going to to have to head down to the councilor's office first thing tomorrow morning. I don't have any Monday classes continuing from last semester, so chances are I'll just spend tomorrow waiting in various offices and sitting on the train, which, for those of you who have never been New Yorkers or college students, amounts to a day split between stress and boredom. That's why I wanted to make sure that today was both fun and stress free: after breakfast I got myself a pack of diapers and returned home to spend the rest of the day curled up in bed with my laptop and a stack comic books.

It's freezing outside and we haven't got heat in our little basement studio, so we've been keeping the oven on. The apartment is tiny, so it works remarkably well. The floor is absolutely freezing though.

It's so good to have diapers again. As soon as I put one on my bladder totally went into relax mode. It used to be that I couldn't let go in a diaper until I got to the point where it was kind of an emergency and it was either use the toilet now or wet myself. It started to get easier as soon as I got used to the feeling of using a diaper, but my bladder still had to be pretty full. Today though, I've been just leaking all day whenever there is even a little bit in my bladder, and so often that there have been times I hardly realize I'm doing it. It made me a little nervous at first, because it really felt like one of those occasional days I used to have when I barely had any control at all. As much as I'd like to be able to wear diapers all the time, it would be pretty disarming to suddenly go back to needing them again. Not to mention expensive. Speaking of which, I've decided to wait on the Bambinos until I can get a case. It'll be something to look forward to.

Although I was a little apprehensive when I realized how easily I was wetting today, it's been kind of therapeutic. As I've said before, those were the days when I wished for diapers the most, and today I have enough diapers to just go in them all day and not use the toilet for anything. That's what I've been doing, too; just getting really comfortable and doing it all in my diaper. Sometimes a messy change or two is totally worth it.

Another bonus about just gradually wetting them instead of waiting until the urge is getting strong is that when I leak, the diaper doesn't. I suppose that as a bedwetting pull-up, this is the way they were meant to be used, absorbing a little at a time instead of in one big accident all at once.

Just for fun, I took a few pictures of myself, underwear model style. It's kind of annoying. I would really like to be able to just show my face if I wasn't going to have to depend on what producers thought of me as a person to make my living. I can just see pictures of me in diapers being discovered and spread around with my full name attached to them as soon I am beginning to gain a little notoriety and some film buff DL recognizes me.

As anyone who has been reading my posts will know, I am pretty fed up with all the impersonal anonymity there is in the diaper community. So, basically I compromised a little and took pictures which people who know me would probably recognize but are ambiguous enough to retain a little mystery. People get pretty uptight about being found out by someone they know through a carelessly posted picture floating around on the Internet, but honestly, that person would have to be surfing a diaper site to find it. Seriously, there is enough about me on here already that it would be a dead giveaway in the unlikely event that any of my family or friends that somehow found their way to this blog.

Anyhow, if you are really curious you can just email me. I'll let you know where to find me on Facebook. In any case, here are my unFacebookable pics.

If Calvin Klein decides to do a line of pull-ups, I think I might have a job.

New Years

2009-01-03T18:05:00.005-05:00

Well, Christmas is over. As usual, I spent way too much money. I had been wanting to get myself a case of Bambino Biancos in the New Year once the dust had settled from the holidays, but now I doubt that I can afford it. I'll probably just get a pack of eight.

It would be nice to have a supply on hand so I could wear diapers whenever I felt like it, though. Having them around would be such an incredible stress reliever now that school is about to start again. Perhaps one of my New Year's resolutions can be to save on frivolous expenses so I can make that a reality.

Anyhow, break has a little over a week left and I'd like to have a day in diapers before I go back to school. If I can't get the Bambinos by then, I think I may just go to the Walgreens down the street and get some GoodNites. We shall see ...

Gardening

2008-12-18T16:27:00.007-05:00

The other day, a guy posted on DailyDiapers complaining about the lack of active participation in the diaper community. He had recently started a new website, and it wasn't doing so well- people were going there, checking out the pictures and videos, and leaving. No one was using the forum, and no one was willing to contribute content for the site. Some others suggested that those who couldn't put any content of their own out there should make donations to the free sites they have been enjoying, instead of just being "freeloaders."

I could certainly empathize with the guy; I've actually be having a lot of similar thoughts lately. However, I couldn't really get behind the way everybody seemed to be approaching the issue. I had to disagree with the way the thread seemed to be aimed at coercing people into either giving money or uploading content. To me, this seemed more counterproductive than anything.

A bigger contribution to the community than money would be if people would just fill out their profiles, type with good spelling and punctuation, and learn to communicate with each other like a community of normal people instead of regarding diaper sites in as a place to gratify their little fetish. When people swarm female members with perverted messages, make posts about revealing their diapers to innocent bystanders in public, and generally create any kind of antisocial atmosphere, it makes things more difficult for a community that, let's be honest, already has it pretty rough. It's incredibly ego centric (or perhaps id centric?) to gratify oneself at the expense of the source of that gratification, and terrible karma to boot. When sites shut down or fail to come together at all because of behavior like this, the individuals who are behaving in this manner are poisoning the well they drink from. ABDL people get a disproportionate amount of bad press, perhaps more than any other fetish group, and not everyone on these sites is even a fetishist. I think the community would benefit most by being represented to the world by reasonable, level headed people who are open with each other and good at expressing themselves. The best way to make sure this happens is to encourage the proliferation of a larger, more involved support network which encourages growth and creative input, one where people will be excited to contribute rather than having to be guilted into it by being labeled as freeloaders.

Think of gardening. A bad gardener only thinks about the fruit they are going to grow. They know what they want but they put little thought into how they are going to get there. A good gardener doesn't even consider the fruit. They don't get frustrated by an apparent lack of results and they don't try to harvest the fruit before it is ripe. The best gardeners think about the soil the plant is growing in. They consider the best way to create the best conditions for growth. Better soil grows a better plant, and a better plant bears better fruit. That's when you should start thinking of what to do with the fruit- but at this point the answer should be obvious:

Share it.

First post

2008-12-16T21:00:00.018-05:00

Hey there.

I'm guessing you found your way here because you wear diapers too. If that's true, my guess is that you know how diaper sites can be. I've been trying for a while to keep an ongoing diaper journal where I can put my thoughts on this kind of thing out there and connect with other people who are into diapers too. Well, the first part was pretty easy. I started blogging my diaper experiences on Xanga just about the time I started having them, which is to say as soon as I moved out of my parents' house. Unfortunately, I found out pretty soon that Xanga's dwindling population did not include too many diaper wearers. Mostly these days I get hits from Google image search when people are looking for diaper stuff to jerk off to. It's been a little disheartening. I got a DiaperSpace and tried copying my new posts as entries in my blog there too, but it's been sort of hard to make friends or even get noticed. That site mostly seems like it's for impersonal hook-ups. All I ever get are messages from older guys saying things like "hEY ur cute!1!", which in all honesty I guess I was kind of asking for when I came up with that name three years ago. I suppose I might be tempting fate by sticking with a stupid handle like "Cute diaper boy" for this new blog, but I would kind of like to feel like I'm rebooting my old blog here rather than just giving up and starting a new one.

So basically I have been kind of trying to involve myself a little on the forums at DailyDiapers. I'd been noticing there recently that blogger has a little bit of a diaper community, and it seemed to be active, so I've decided to give it a try too. So here goes.

The best place to start is probably with this big post I did a little while back. It's sort of a personal history of what it has been like growing up with these kind of feelings and all that. It covers basically every meaningful memory I can think of which could help tell the story of me wetting my pants and wanting to wear diapers. From here on out I'm going to do all new posts though. I want to get all my recent thoughts on diapers out there too so I can have a place to deal with whatever I'm thinking or feeling today instead of dwelling on all this stuff from my childhood. Anyway, this is how I got started ...

My mother tells me that I was potty-trained before I could walk. She has recounted to me numerous times how amazing it was to see me crawl to my baby potty at the age of two. She usually would follow up this kind of story by saying how much I loved to “use the big boy potty.” It was always embarrassing to hear her talk about this, especially because, secretly, I knew that the last part wasn't true. I far back as I can remember, I have wanted to wear diapers.

The first specific time I can remember wanting to be diapered was when I was about three. It's one of my earliest memories: I was playing in the playroom my parents had set up for me, when I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. I was enjoying myself, so I put it off as long as possible. After a while, I realized that I was either going to have to go use the potty or wet myself. I really wanted to just let go and keep playing, but I realized that my parents would scold me and tell me what a big boy I had become and how I couldn't just wet myself anymore now that I was in big boy underwear instead of diapers. As I thought about this, I also realized that I would much rather be in diapers, and considered telling my parents. I knew that they would be mad at me if I told them this though, since they made such a big deal of me using the potty like a big boy and wearing real underwear. In the end, I begrudgingly stopped my playing and went to the bathroom, but only because I was afraid that I would be in trouble if I didn't.

The desire to wet myself and wear diapers didn't go away as I got older. When I was old enough to go to preschool, there was an incident where a boy whom I didn't like wanted to play with me at recess: I told him he could be my friend if he let me watch him pee his pants. He did it, but I still didn't play with him ... I was afraid I would get in trouble for wanting to see him wet himself. Instead, I ran away. He started to cry. The teacher got mad. My parents were called. In short, the message came through pretty clearly that wetting one's pants was not the kind of behavior that was to be encouraged.

It was also around this time that my mother gave birth to my little sister, the first of four younger siblings. I remember noting that she was not so quick to start using the potty as me. She wore diapers until she was nearly four. There was one incident when she was small, not much more than a year old, when my father was changing her diaper and asked me out of the blue whether I would like to “try one.” I was immediately apprehensive; could he somehow have found me out? The temptation was too great to resist though, so despite the inherent discomfort in having my father present, and moreover, in having him be the one diapering me, I said yes. I laid on the changing table and he put one on me. He asked me how it felt. I don't think I answered him, unless I gave him a non-committal sort of “I don't know.” He lifted me off the changing table, and I stood there beside it, feeling very exposed to be secretly living out my wish of being back in diapers right in front of him. I didn't want him to think I was enjoying it ... not that I could enjoy it much when I was so worried that my most secret desires were about to be discovered. It was also very confusing to be receiving such mixed messages from my parents, with my mother bent on seeing me use the potty “like a big boy should,” and my father inviting me to wear diapers. After a minute or so I told him I was done and asked him to take my diaper off. He seemed disappointed and asked me, “Don't you want to run around in it for a little while?” I told him no, and he took it off.

Afterward, I thought a lot about whether I had made the right decision. I wasn't sure what my mother's reaction would have been if she had seen me wearing a diaper around the house, but it seemed like I would be safe from reproach since it had been my father's idea in the first place. I considered the fact that my father had probably been planning on letting me wear my diaper until I needed to be changed, and that I had missed a one time opportunity to not only wear a diaper again but to use one instead of the potty. Remembering the incident years later, I noted with regret that I was about the same age then as my sister had been when she was just beginning to use the potty. My father at least would probably have considered it perfectly acceptable for me to be diapered at that age, if only I had told him that day that I was really enjoying being diapered and wanted to start wearing them again. I also remember thinking about this kind of thing later on while I was at my cousins' house: I had two girl cousins only a few years younger than me who both wore Pull-Ups day and night until they were about six, maybe older. In any case, I didn't have the courage to tell my father the truth. I guess the best way to sum up my feelings at the time was that I was afraid my mother would think less of me. Being a big boy was, according to her, inextricably tied to using the potty, and I didn't want to disappoint her by seeming like I hadn't been up to the task after all.

So, at the age of about four, I decided that I would keep my desire to wear diapers to myself. I used the potty constantly to avoid being caught in a position where I couldn't make it in time, and made a point of informing my mother whenever I was going to do so. I don't think I went without telling an adult until I was at about eight. I also made sure to go every night before bed to avoid nighttime accidents, but even so, I do recall wetting the bed sometimes when I was in preschool. I didn't have it nearly as bad as some kids do, though ... at least at night. Actually, I had a much harder time staying dry in the daytime because I have always had a problem with wetting myself when I laugh really hard. I can remember being over at a friends house once when I was about five ... I laughed so hard that my bladder completely emptied. Sometimes when it happened it was just a little and I could hide it, but this was a major accident and it was obvious what had happened. My friend was shocked and told me he couldn't believe I had just completely wet myself like that. I had to go tell his mom so she could give me a change of clothes.

It happened all the time ... in fact, after I got past the age where people expected me to wet myself if I wasn't reminded to go potty on a regular basis, it got worse. I did it at least once every few weeks until I was about thirteen, but I was always pretty discreet about it. I kind of wish I had told my mom when it happened though - it was frequent enough to where I really should have been in training pants instead of real underwear until about seventh or eighth grade. Occasionally I would go though a bad spell where I was wetting more frequently. It didn't happen very often, but when it did I would sometimes wet more than once in a single day. I really wished for diapers then. I had a pair of soccer shorts that I would change into on days like that, made of a sort of shiny blue material that was basically like plastic, so it wouldn't show through even if my underwear was really wet from multiple accidents. After I had wet, I would go change into a dry pair of underwear and put the soccer shorts back on. Cotton underwear could absorb a small wetting, especially if my bladder had already emptied once and I was just having a lot of little accidents, but it was never really enough. There was one time when it got so bad I tried making a pad out of toilet paper. It mostly just dissolved though.

So, I was wearing plastic pants with absorbent cotton underneath which I could change when it go too wet ... basically, I was diapering myself, but without the benefit of the security diapers offered. Whenever a commercial came on for Pull-Ups, expounding how even "big kids" could wear diapers, I would get really envious. I even went so far as to ask my mom if she thought it would be a good idea to get some for my second little sister, who was potty-training at the time, in hopes that I might be able to sneak one. Of course, she said no. She was in a rush to get everyone out of diapers. None of my siblings ever wore Pull-Ups.

Every pair of underwear I had was at least a little stained, and I was always pretty afraid that my mother would decide I needed to go back into diapers. I can remember being so sure that she would suggest it that I would lie in bed at night and kind of measure with my hands to try to decide whether or not I would still fit into a diaper. I gave this up when I found out at about the age of seven that they made diapers for adults too. With this knowledge came the realization that avoiding going back into diapers wasn't just a matter of growing too big for them. I was going to have to keep my secret as long as I lived with my parents. If they found out that I needed them, I would have no choice but to wear them. There was one incident when I was getting over a bout of diarrhea and completely pooped my pants while I was playing in the yard outside. I was about nine. I was sure I was going to be put back in diapers then ... but somehow I managed to wash my underwear out in the bathtub and hide it behind my dresser. That was my hiding place for whenever I had an accident, that and sometimes the closet next to it. I would keep them there until I could sneak them into the wash. In hindsight, my mother probably knew exactly how often I wet myself since she was the one doing laundry, but by the time I was ten years old I had four younger siblings and she was not about to deal with having me in diapers again. Neither of us ever mentioned it.

There was something that happened when I was about eleven that made me pretty sure that she knew. My mother, my four siblings, and I were driving in the family mini-van to pick up my dad from work because his car was in the shop. He worked at a big office building way out in the middle of nowhere. Because we didn't usually go to pick him up, I didn't realize how far away his office really was. About halfway there, I began to feel the need to go to the bathroom. I kept it to myself at first, thinking that I could just go when we got to the office. The drive was long though, and after a while I realized that I might not make it. “Mom,” I said. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Wait until we get to the office,” she replied.

“Could we just pull over at a gas station?” I asked. “I have to go really bad.”

“No,” she said. “You're going to have to hold it.”

“I don't think I can,” I told her. At this point, my mother got a little exasperated with me.

“Why don't you just go in your pants? We'll get you cleaned up later.”

I was shocked. Was having me wet myself such a routine event for my mother that my mother didn't think it was even worth it to take me to the bathroom? This was the kind of thing you said to a child just beginning potty-training when you've put them in a diaper for a long road trip. Was that how little my mother regarded my ability to stay dry? If so, why wasn't I in a diaper right now? It would make more sense than just letting me go in my pants when a toilet wasn't convenient. In any case, I wasn't about to openly give up and wet myself in front of my mother and all my siblings. I had to hold it now, or else I really would look like I needed to be in diapers.

I struggled and held it the whole way to the office building. Once I got inside, I had to ask the guard to direct me to the bathroom. I ran the whole way. When I finally got there, I nearly wet myself in the stall trying to get my pants undone. I made it though.

When I came out with my dad, my mother turned around from the drivers seat and asked, “Did you make it?” I was so embarrassed to have to be checked that way in front of my whole family.

“Of course,” I said, acting as if there had never been any doubt.

Despite the relative impossibility of hiding my wetting from my mother, it was surprisingly easy to hide it from anyone who wasn't doing my laundry. I would just pretend like nothing had happened. It is amazing how little attention people pay to the state of your crotch. I would just hurry and change into fresh clothes if I was at home, and if I was at school I would be spending most of my time sitting at my desk anyway, so no one would see until pants had dried at least a little. If it was really bad or I was at a friend's house where someone was sure to notice, I would spill a glass of water on myself and use that as an excuse. After that first humiliating time at my friend's house, I made a point of not being caught. There are only a few times when I was really caught, and even those were sort of ambiguous- when I was cornered on it I managed to keep it pretty quiet and avoid humiliation in front of my siblings. The biggest ones were bedwettings. As I said before, I didn't wet the bed very often, but when I did it was hard to cover up. Losing control in my sleep usually meant losing control completely- I've never been able to stop going once I've started, and even if I woke up my bladder would just keep emptying. There wasn't a thing I could do about it.

The closest call I can ever remember having was actually in my parent's bed. I was eight years old. I can't remember what my reason for being there was ... just bad luck I guess. What was lucky though was that it was winter time; I was wearing underwear, thick pajamas, and was even wrapped up in my favorite blanket. It was early morning. The sun was just coming up and I was lying there half-awake. As I was lying there, I gradually became aware of a slight need to go to the bathroom. I lay there growing more aware of it, and then suddenly I was just going in my pants. There wasn't even a feeling of desperation or the sensation that if I didn't go soon I would wet the bed. There was just no filter between feeling the need to go and realizing that I was wetting myself. It was a total loss of control. I remember feeling it happening and not realizing what was going on until I had finished. It was pretty shocking to have no warning like that, even if I was just beginning to wake up.

Like I said, it was lucky that I was so bundled up. Once I realized what had happened, I got up as silently as I could and inspected the sheets. They were dry; my clothes and blanket had absorbed it all. I sneaked down the hallway to the laundry chute and dropped my wet clothes and blanket down, praying that they might dry by the time my mother came to do the laundry. I would conclude later that they must have, since she didn't say anything about it. Looking back though, she would have immediately suspected my totally uncharacteristic behavior of putting all my sleep things in the wash without being asked and figured out what was going on. She just didn't say anything.

My second most memorable brush with being found out was when I was about sixteen. It was on a Saturday morning. I couldn't believe it- I just woke up and realized that I was wetting the bed, but like I said, it's hard for me to stop when I'm in the middle of going. I just kind of watched in panic as the wet spot spread. It was a full bladder wetting too- the mattress was completely soaked. I hadn't had a really major accident like this in years, and I had hardly ever wet the bed when I was younger ... the last time was that close call in my parents bed at the age of eight, and even that wasn't as bad as this! I figured that since I didn't have to go to school I could take care of it before my mom would have a chance to discover what had happened. I changed out of my wet underwear and made myself conspicuous as I brewed some tea. I almost never drank tea then, and my mother was a little surprised that I was suddenly so interested. I went upstairs to my room, poured the tea over my wet spot, and then used Lysol to cover the smell. I went back down to tell my mother I had spilled the tea. She was pretty exasperated with me and told me not to bother her and that she would wash the sheets later. When I informed her not to worry about it, and that I had already cleaned it up, she was really surprised and wanted to know what I had used. I told her that I had used the Lysol from the upstairs bathroom. I think this is the point at which she really figured out what was going on, because she went up to my room to investigate. When she got there, she smelled the wet spot, looked at the Lysol, and asked me why I had used an air freshener. I tried to act surprised and pretend that I had thought it would keep the bed from being stained, but it was clear she knew what had happened. She didn't say anything more about it though, since I had already done what I could to clean up the mess. I'm sure she must have noticed the obviously peed-in underwear in the wash too. All she really did was give me a funny look of disbelief that I was still wetting the bed at sixteen.

The last time I was caught was only a few months after that. My mother was going through a walk-in closet attached to the upstairs bathroom where we stored old clothes which had gotten too small and things like that. She was moving boxes around, cleaning the place out and trying to figure out if some of this stuff would fit the younger kids, when she made a discovery. Besides the hiding places in my closet and behind the dresser, I had had a third one which I used sometimes when I couldn't risk being seen coming down the hallway with a pair of wet underwear in my hand. That hiding place was the bathroom storage closet. As she was looking through the old boxes and things, she found several heavily stained pairs of underwear crammed underneath which had been sitting there unwashed for years.

My mother grabbed the soiled underwear and came to door to my room holding them. I knew immediately what had happened and was definitely embarrassed, but the intervening years between the wetting and the discovery softened the blow a little. It didn't help that I had wet the bed not too long ago, though. In any case, whatever she may have been thinking, she kept it short and sharp and didn't really let me get a word in edgewise to make excuses.

"I found these hidden in the closet. If you wet your pants, I want to know about it. I want you to tell me, got it?"

I just sat there and said "Okay." She left without another word to go put them in for a long overdue wash.

I knew then that she wasn't really mad at me for wetting my pants. She was mad that I had hidden it so she would have to find dirty, stained underwear years down the line. I understood this, and had said "okay," but I can say with certainty that I had no intention of telling her the next time it happened, especially because I was sixteen. Remembering her words now, I am filled with regret for the fact that I suffered so quietly with my embarrassing weakness for so long.

Now, if I had been honest with her from the beginning and let her know every time I had had an accident, there is no question that I would have been wearing Pull-Ups full time until I stopped needing them in middle school. I understand now that my mother wouldn't have told anyone who didn't need to know, and that even though my siblings would have found out other one way or another, neither would they. It would definitely have been embarrassing for my younger siblings to know that their older bother still wore training pants for protection, but we were generally pretty kind to each other and I seriously doubt it would have been a very big deal. One note from my mother explaining my wetting situation to my teacher at the beginning of each new school year would have excused me to the nurse whenever I needed a fresh diaper. I never would have had to remain seated to hide my wet spot from the class, or fake those water spills, or be afraid to watch funny movies around my friends. Hiding Pull-Ups would have been a lot easier than hiding wet pants.

In any case, my teenage bedwetting incident and my mother's discovery of my old underwear were the last times I had any major embarrassment from wetting. I haven't had too many real accidents since then, though I've always had a bit of a problem leaving a wet spot on my pants or underwear from small leaks after I've finished using the bathroom. Mostly I just learned that I need to wait a little while and make absolutely sure that everything is out. I do still leak a little sometimes when I laugh, if the joke is really funny and I haven't gone recently. All in all though, I found myself starting to outgrow any major wetting problems by the time I left middle school. As I got older, I found that I didn't really need the diapers anymore so much as want them.

The truth was that as I gained better control, I found myself thinking about diapers more often, not less ... especially when I masturbated. You see, I had been playing-out diaper scenarios in my head for just about as long as I had wanted to wear diapers. As I would lie in bed at night, holding up my hands to see how wide my waist was and trying to decide if I could still fit into diapers, I would imagine little stories in which I, my classmates, or even invented characters were put back into diapers as I feared (or sometimes fantasized) that I would be. Before very long, I discovered that touching myself during these imaginings made them somehow more real and satisfying. When I began doing this, I was extremely young, probably about four years old. My first masturbatory aid was a book my mother had read me in order to reinforce my potty-training, Once Upon A Potty.

"You loved that book," my mother would later tell me. She had no idea.

I knew from the start that I was too old for the book. I had been potty-trained since I could remember. As I realized that letting my parents see me looking at it so much might give my longing for diapers away, I started hiding Once Upon A Potty behind a larger look-and-find sort of book. I would dwell on the images of Joshua, the boy in the story, wearing diapers and not being able to make it to the potty. Though he was, of course, successfully potty-trained by the end of the book, I would imagine a different ending where he was able to continue wearing diapers. By the time I had reached puberty and it was time for my sexuality to really begin to awaken, I had already been masturbating while thinking about diapers and wetting accidents my whole life.

So, when I was about thirteen and I stopped having so many real accidents, I started wetting myself deliberately. At first I started doing it whenever I was at the pool. With a wet swimsuit on, no one could tell, even if I was wetting myself right in front of them. It was the next best thing to wearing diapers.

About this time, I went to summer camp with the Boy Scouts for the first time. The outhouses were, needless to say, something that most Scouts avoided at all costs. A lot of them would just go to the edge of the woods and pee by a tree. Unfortunately, I had never been able to make myself go while I was standing up-- not on purpose anyway. I could sometimes manage it in a pinch if it was a real emergency and there was no other option, but even then it was uncomfortable and took forever, especially if there was anyone else anywhere nearby. Basically, I couldn't do it.

However, there was a pool there, and it was so hot most of the time that a lot of the scouts didn't do much else but swim; one could spend all day at the pool. Because of this, it wasn't uncommon for some scouts to wear their swimsuits all day so that they could go from merit badge classes to the pool without having to hike back to camp to change. The result of this situation was that I seldom visited the outhouse for anything but bowel movements ... I was pretty much wetting my pants at every opportunity for the whole two weeks I was there. Having already mastered hiding the evidence, it wasn't difficult at all to just rinse off in the pool or its showers whenever I had wet. I would soap up meticulously when I did shower (which was often) to make sure I wouldn't get caught by smelling like I had been wetting my pants all day. All in all, it was probably more hygienic than using the outhouse anyway ... they were pretty bad.

After camp, I regretfully went back to using the toilet full time. I was a little afraid that I would have difficulty reclaiming full (or in my case, nearly-full) bladder control, but it was as easy as just deciding to start using the bathroom again. This came as both a relief and a disappointment; on one hand, I had been relieved when my real accidents had started to slow down, and what thirteen-year-old wants to have his parents find out he has suddenly un-potty-trained himself? On the other hand, wetting myself full time had been exactly as liberating as I had imagined it would be. How could I give it up now?

What happened was that I decided to compromise. I was obviously too old now to start wetting my pants full time again, or even occasionally for that matter, but the showers at camp had given me an idea. At home, I could easily get away with wetting myself before I took showers ... all I would have to do was stand in the tub in my underwear, let go, enjoy the sensation, and then rinse off both myself and the soiled underwear in the shower. Rinsing them immediately basically eliminated the possibility of noticeable stains, and afterwards I could just let them dry behind the dresser and toss them in the wash as I was used to doing. By now, of course, I realized that I was doing what I did because it turned me on. Some nights I would hold it until I was about to lose control, then rush to the bathroom, strip off everything but my skivvies, and stand in the shower until I really did have a genuine accident. It was always good when I could feel free to let go on purpose, but I found that when the wetting was something I couldn't help, those times were always the best.

It was when I was sixteen, not to long after my mother's storage closet discovery, that I moved out of her house and into one of a few rental properties my dad owned. My parents were divorced and he was living there too at the time, but pretty soon he moved in with his new fiancée and I was living alone. Now that my dad wasn't around and I was doing my own laundry, I didn't really have to worry about being as secretive anymore. If I felt like wetting, I would just go downstairs to the bathroom, stand in the tub, and do it. Then I would rinse off, toss the underwear in a plastic bag for when I did laundry, and go back to whatever I had been doing. I fantasized about getting diapers, but the possibility that my dad would come around and find them in the trash or left carelessly lying around stopped me. I was pretty sure that he wouldn't be nearly as supportive of me running around the house in diapers at sixteen as he was when I was four. The closest I came to the real thing was diapering myself with a thick white towel, which worked out well except for an obvious yellow stain that scared me into not trying it again. I figured it wouldn't be long until I had an apartment of my own, and then I could do whatever I wanted.

Besides my new found privacy, another benefit of being at my dad's was a computer of my own (which he gave me that first Christmas at his house) and an Internet connection. Until relatively recently, it had not really occurred to me that I might not be the only teenager in the world wishing he was still in diapers. It was an idea that had been slowly taking shape in the back of my mind since I had started wetting deliberately in my early teens: the thought that what I was doing was not just a secret personal wish, but an active fantasy that other people in the world might conceivably share. With all its search engines, chat rooms, and message boards, the Internet seemed like the obvious place to find out anonymously if my theory was true. Unfortunately, these ideas had all started to take shape while I was still at my mother's house, and my mother had never been willing to pay for an Internet connection. As such, I had little experience using it, and no real opportunity to investigate. When I was about fourteen or fifteen though, my chance came came through one of those free NetZero trails you might remember coming across in the first years of the new millennium.

It's amazing how dated it seems to talk about the Internet with such naivety, but at the time it seemed like a sort of amazing forbidden fruit that everyone was secretly exploring now that personal computers had finally found their way into everyone's homes. Everyone's but mine, that was. Being about thirteen or fourteen, my friends were, of course, all whispering about free porn and dirty chat rooms. Now that I had free, and, more importantly, secret access, I could investigate it all for myself. Including the diapers.

I remember doing that first Internet search at my mom's and being so nervous as I typed in the words “diaper porn” into a search engine bar. I don't think anything more than a bunch of dead end adware traps with “porn” as a keyword popped up, but the idea was finally there in my head: I wanted to see wetting videos, and pictures of girls in diapers.

At this point, I got scared that someone might come in and discover me. I am pretty sure I closed the window, erased the history, and went to bed after that, but over the next year or two I managed to sneak onto the computer late at night enough times to confirm that I was right. By time I got to my dad's house, I had a pretty good idea of what to look for now that I had a fast, reliable connection safe from the prying eyes of my parents and siblings. There were definitely others out there, and pictures of girls in diapers were only the tip of the iceberg. There were entire sites, both free and for pay, devoted to the subject of wanting to wear diapers. While I had been composing increasingly complex diaper stories in my head, people on the Internet had actually written them down. There were videos, message boards, blogs, everything.

It made me feel both more and less weird. On one hand, I was obviously not alone in my desires. On the other hand, a lot of these people were hairy, forty-year-old men into not just diapers, but dressing up and acting like babies. This was a major turn off for me, and it made diapers in general seem exceedingly unappealing. I tried numerous times to swear off thinking about wearing them altogether. It didn't really work though. How could I make myself stop thinking about something by constantly reminding myself not to think about it? I worried that I might be like these people and that my fantasies were crazy. Despite my best efforts, I gradually found myself unable to avoid exploring further to see if there were normal people out there who were attractive, close to my age, and not interested in baby talk, outfits, or bottles. I had to know if I was really alone.

As it turned out, I wasn't. I dug a little deeper and found out that “diaper lovers,” as the non-baby-acting half called themselves, outnumbered these “adult babies.” Although generally lumped together in the Internet world, there were numerous subsets within the diaper-wearing community. This included young attractive people who didn't sleep in a giant crib.

During my junior year of high school I met my current girlfriend. After graduating high school, I took a year off to get my affairs together and moved from the suburbs of the Midwest to New York City, where I planned to attend college. My girlfriend was two years younger and still in high school, but she and I made plans for her to come move in with me when she graduated.

When I arrived in New York I didn't have Internet access, but I soon got myself into school, where I could sometimes spend a few hours in the back of the computer lab during the evening when there wasn't anyone around who might wonder loudly about what the hell I was looking at. I started becoming active on the message board at Daily Diapers.

I soon resolved to get my first pack of diapers. I went to the corner drug store on a Friday night and casually purchased a pack of Pull-Ups' GoodNites. It wasn't really even embarrassing; I mean, who could guess that they were for me, a nineteen year old boy who couldn't possibly still be wetting himself? I walked home and went into the bathroom right away to put one on. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. This was it: for the first time since I was four years old, I was wearing a diaper, and this time there were no worries about what anyone else might think. It took a minute or two of trying, but I let go right there in front of the mirror. I stood there, watching as the front began to darken and swell a little, enjoying the spreading warmth and the weight of the wet diaper. I put my pants back on and examined myself from all sides. No indication I was wearing a diaper. Not unless I pulled my shirt up, anyway- then if I bent over a little you could see the waistband poking out of the top of my pants, making it pretty obvious that I was wearing Pull-Ups. They were pretty discreet though. I'd have to be trying to get caught for it to happen.

I walked around for a little bit, exploring the feeling of being in a wet diaper. It was different than just wetting your pants, which I knew from long experience gets cold and uncomfortable pretty quickly. The diapers were soft and snug and didn't chafe the way wet clothes do, and they stayed warm for a long time. I curled up in bed and enjoyed it. Pretty soon I realized I was going to fall asleep if I laid there much longer, so I pulled out a fresh diaper and changed myself to keep from getting diaper rash.

That first pack went pretty quickly. When I woke up I found that I needed to relieve myself again, so I tried to just let it happen. I couldn't do it lying down, but as soon as I stood up it all flooded into my diaper. As I stood there wetting myself, I realized that I didn't just have to pee. I hesitated for a moment and let go completely. The clean up was a little too much for me to want to make a habit of doing everything in my diaper all the time, but that first weekend it was pretty satisfying to just be able to relax and use my diapers to their fullest extent.

I was still diapered Monday morning-- I hadn't used the toilet in two days. I woke up and wet my diaper while I made breakfast. As I sat enjoying the warmth of my wet diaper, I debated whether or not I would wear one when I headed out to class. I figured it wouldn't hurt to wear one to school- they crinkled a little when I sat down, but other than that they were pretty undetectable. Who was going to guess that a little crinkle meant diapers?

The class passed uneventfully. When it was over I decided to go to the computer lab. Not for diaper stuff or anything, just to check my email and other vitals. While I sat there at the computer, I realized that I had to pee. I wasn't sure if I was ready to wet in public yet, but just like in that early memory of being in the playroom, I didn't want to interrupt what I was doing in order to go, especially because I might have to wait an hour to get another computer since it was the middle of the day and people were between classes. Basically, it got to that point again where it was time to get up and go to the bathroom or wet myself. This time I was wearing a diaper though, so I opted to wet.

What I didn't realize was that GoodNites are fine for light wetting during the night or even relatively heavy daytime wetting if you are standing up, but with the diaper pressed against the chair, it didn't prove very absorbent around my bottom. As I wet, I looked down and noticed that I could see my pants darkening. Luckily, the diaper had absorbed most of it, but it was leaking around the legs back there. I hurried to the bathroom and went into a stall to change. I waited a minute or two until I was sure that everyone else had gone out before opening the door and disposing of the evidence in a trash can. Finally, I made my way to the exit, rehearsing in my head how I would tell anyone who asked that I had sat in some water. Even though I knew no one would guess the truth, I resolved not to wet in public anymore until I could find some more absorbent diapers.

After that, I experimented with a couple of different adult diapers made by Depends. The overnight one was easily the best. It was really thick and absorbent, but pretty dumb looking with multiple tapes and a big wetness indicator stripe down the middle. It was the best the drug store had to offer though. If I wanted a better diaper, I was going to have to order some of those designer ones I had been seeing on the Internet. The ones I had been wearing were designed for pure utility, but there were other diapers out there on the Internet that had been designed by recreational diaper wearers like me with comfort and style in mind. They were slightly more expensive though, so I opted to stick with Pull-Ups and Depends, at least for now. It was around this time that I started keeping a blog of my thoughts on diapers and incontinence and all that, in hopes that I might be able to use it to connect with other diaper lovers.

It was a little while after this that my girlfriend and I were talking on the phone and she mentioned in passing how when she was little, she had secretly wanted to wear Pull-Ups because they looked so soft and comfortable. Once, she had even sneaked a pair that her mom had around the house for her baby cousin, whom her mom would baby-sit sometimes. I couldn't believe it! I had spent my whole childhood fantasizing about that kind of thing, and she had done it! I had been worrying for a long time about telling her that I liked diapers, and it was such a relief to know now that she would at least be able to relate.

Then, a little while later, she had a dream that she was in the bathroom and wet her bed! We had been talking about her coming up to New York to visit on her birthday, so I gave her a little playful teasing about how she would have to wear Pull-Ups when she came to stay at my place. Imagine her surprise when she arrived and one of her birthday presents was a pack of GoodNites! I think she was pretty embarrassed, but I had told her how cute I thought it was when she wet the bed and how it would be even cuter to see her in a diaper. She kind of laughed at me and said "It would really make you happy, wouldn't it?" I was kind of embarrassed to say so, but I told her it would. She opened the pack and put one on.

We were actually getting ready to watch a movie at the time ... she had asked for some hentai for her birthday (she's that kind of girl) and I had gotten La Blue Girl. It was such an unbelievable turn on to see her diapered, especially when we were watching some sexy anime. I couldn't believe how receptive she had been to the idea, but it somehow seemed natural since both the porn and the situation of being diapered had enough silliness to them where it didn't seem like we had to take ourselves too seriously. I ended up touching her through her Pull-Ups to the point where she was getting pretty into it and we weren't really watching the TV anymore. When she came, she told me it was the most intense orgasm she had ever had.

We both wore Pull-Ups to bed on and off while she was there. A one point, she even went so far as to powder my bottom before putting me into them. (I had picked up some wipes and powder just in case.) After her visit, I sent some of the diapers home with her. She actually ended up wearing them a couple of times, too.

The first time was when we were on the phone really late at night and she had to pee but didn't want her mom to know that she was up. She thought she might be able to hold out until morning, but she was afraid she would wet in her sleep again. She did actually make it through the night, though.

The second time was when she was sick. She was having stomach trouble and messed herself during the night. She was afraid it might happen again and didn't want to ruin another pair of panties, so she wore a Pull-Up to bed for the next night or two until she was sure she felt better. I gave her some gentle teasing about it and asked her how she felt in her Pull-Ups. She got embarrassed and said she felt stupid saying it, but she felt more confident, just like the kids in the commercials always did. I knew that feeling exactly, and it was very comforting to know she would be able to understand when I finally told her the whole story.

It think it was mostly just the sense of normalcy we both had about the whole thing, just having the Pull-Ups around, that made it easier for me to keep talking about diapers until I could eventually muster up the courage to tell her that I had always wanted to wear them. It took we a while- she had moved in by then. We were in bed at the time, and I mentioned that we were running low on Goodnites and should get some more, and she told me that we didn't have to have them around for her sake and that she wasn't really into them. Basically I had to admit that I was ... and had been for a long time. She was very sympathetic, just as I knew she would be, and told me I could wear them whenever I wanted. It was a pretty big relief to say it, all the same. It would be great if they were as big a turn on for her as for me, but I was pretty thrilled just to be able to be open with her about them.

So, I started wearing them pretty regularly. It was nice not to worry and have it just be normal if she came home and noticed I was wearing a diaper under my clothes. My diapered life became pretty comfortable and uneventful. As I got more comfortable with just using my diapers instead of having to stop what I was doing to use the bathroom, I did notice one change, though. As I said before, I had never been able to stand and pee when I used the toilet; I had always had to sit. Now that I was getting used to being in diapers, something had chilled out inside me; I could stand and pee like a regular boy, at first only in a diaper, but gradually also at the toilet. It's funny how something that most people would view as so abnormal had been the normalizing factor I need to resolve some deep-seated childhood issue, probably dating back to potty-training. It worked though; for whatever reason, I could cope better as a normal adult when I was wearing a diaper under my clothes.

There was one other notable diaper event after that though, when our toilet started having some problems one night. It started overflowing and wouldn't flush. Using it was out of the question, but it was about ten PM ... too late to do anything but turn the water off until morning. Around this time my girlfriend was having something of a potty emergency, and at ten PM in New York City it is a difficult thing to find a public restroom.

Until now, my girl had been apprehensive about wetting in a diaper. Like she had said, it wasn't really her thing. She warmed up to wearing them pretty quickly, and having me in them didn't bother her, but even so, her potty-training had been a little to firmly ingrained for her to just let go and wet herself. Imagine my surprise when she timidly asked me if I thought she should put on a Pull-Up! She was pretty tentative about it. "It's not bad, is it?" she asked. I told her that it was fine and that the diaper would just soak everything up.

Even as badly as she had to go, she couldn't quite convince herself to wet. After a little while, she decided to go into the bathroom so she could try in there. She closed the door, and a few minutes later came out blushing. I asked her how she felt.

"I had to go pretty bad," she said. "I was really wet. Critical mass."

I felt a little sorry for her that she had so little choice about whether or not to go in a diaper, but I have to admit I was a little glad that she at least knew what it was like now and might have a better idea of what I was feeling.

Shortly afterward, we finally moved into a real apartment of our own. Up until then all of our previous apartments had been rented rooms, and though I never really had to worry that someone might go rummaging around in our room and find a pack of Pull-Ups, I couldn't feel free to just wear a diaper around the house. I had to do all my diaper-wearing in our room and dispose of my wet diapers secretly in an outside trash can. Now that we had our own place, I could just relax in a T-shirt and diaper and not even cover it up. I’d spent so long hiding and worrying about being caught, concealing both my wetting accidents and my desire to wear diapers. Now I could just put one on when I felt the need and feel secure. It was a feeling I could have had years ago, if I had only been able to admit to my parents that yes, even though I was a big boy, I still needed diapers.

My physical need for them has diminished, but the security and ease that comes with wearing them and being accepted for it is something that I never stopped looking for. Now, I feel like I’ve found it. It took a long time to get to this point, but I think I'm finally where I want to be.