My Diet Digest

How I lost 100 pounds by healing Body Dysmorphic Disorder from childhood trauma responses

2026-05-14T13:40:32.230-07:00

Hello my friends! I just realized something about how I lost 100 pounds and childhood trauma recovery. These two are linked and also interconnected with something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I'm going to show how healing one can help the others. But it starts with healing childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse.

Abusive neglect + parentification + toxic shaming trifecta

In a recent post I wrote about how I lost 100 pounds by feeding my inner child and starving my abusive parents of narcissistic supply I'd always provided them. I've always struggled with weight loss issues and BDD, when I was an overweight child of 100 pounds and then when I was an underweight adult of 108 pounds and then when I gained 100 pounds after losing two stillborn babies and going on the anti-depressant Paxil. And then after I lost 100 pounds. It didn't matter because I always felt fat. I call this "fattitude" where no matter what you weigh, you see yourself as fat. And that stemmed toxic shaming by four narcissistic parents, and from not being cared for properly (abusive neglect) and by having to parent my parents and their kids, as a child myself (parentification).

Childhood trauma responses develop from parent abuse and gaslighting

I was not cared for in any way resembling basic, normal parenting. My narcissistic parents thought only ever of themselves. They owed me nothing while I owed them everything they said. I was food and shelter insecure, sleep deprived, medically neglected, abandoned and endangered. I was not supervised, protected or kept safe, even as young as 3 or 4. Most of my life, I didn't know where appropriate adults were, let alone parents. I was groomed in trauma responses of fear, freezing and fawning. I developed what I call the "self check-out smile" (fearful and people pleasing). I walked in a clumsy "backward crab shuffle" because I was told I was always in the way. I did a lot of "pretzeling" (twisting myself into impossible positions) to be and do the weird inappropriate things they demanded of me. Their gaslighting made it seem normal even though no one else was treated this way. I became the broken vending machine child.

How parent abuse creates a childhood trauma brain

I developed no self-care skills. Those were selfish, my very arrogant and selfish parents said. I needed to care for them, not me. My self-image was shot to hell and self-esteem was non-existent. I was self-harming from age 6 and then trying to rub out the bite marks on my arm so they wouldn't upset anyone. I nervous anxiety, hypervigilance, constant deferring and subservient groveling. I was trauma bonded to all these abusive people. And betrayal blindness kept me shacked to my enmeshed parents. This was my childhood trauma brain-- a dark place of self-loathing.

Childhood Trauma responses don't age well

I lack confidence to make simple decisions. I second-guess myself because I was always second-guessed. My back is twisted and my rib cage is sprung. Everything hurts all the time. I trauma nightmare all night long. I've had many dissociative splits. I crouch and hunch over to stay small and out of everyone's way. And when I look in the mirror, all I see is an ugly misshapen, fat troll. I feel stupid, humiliated, awkward and incompetent, despite having proved my abilities for over 60 years. I just can't see it, even when people affirm me. I have Imposter Syndrome in which I believe that if they knew me, they would not like or approve of me. So for me, it's more than just Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's Self Dysmorphic Disorder.

Self-fulfilling parent gaslighting

All the things they said of me, that I was

selfish
clumsy
fat
angry
spoiled
dirty
pouty
jealous
a disappointment to God
disobedient
disloyal
funny looking
a show off
attention seeking
needy
too proud
too sensitive
too critical of them
a nuisance
a failure
their servant
their parent
their spouse

Have in my mind's eye, come true. It's as if I'm living out the scapegoat role assigned to me. I don't even know if I am any of those things. My family says it's all their bullshit and I'm a decent person. But self dysmorphia doesn't let you see that. You spend your life trying to please, to do better and be better for these unpleasable people. Now I am beginning to see that they were the problem. But in some ways it's too late. I wish I could. I began this article with the hope of sharing ways out. But I seem to have lost the plot.

What AI has to say

So I turned to AI to help me understand and clarify what went wrong. How can I find the path? And here are some interesting things she had to say to me. (I think of AI as her).

Refining the "Self Dysmorphia" Concept

You mention that the labels (selfish, clumsy, failure, etc.) have come true in your mind’s eye. This is a physiological response:

When a child is gaslit for decades, the brain actually wires itself to believe the "predator" (the parent) in order to survive.
Recognizing that your "Self Dysmorphia" is a protective survival mechanism—rather than a character flaw—could be the bridge to the "sharing ways out" part of your article.

The Turning Point: "Starving the Supply"

You hit on a powerful note when you said you lost weight by "starving my abusive parents of narcissistic supply." This is a huge way exit ramp.

Most weight loss articles focus on calories.
Yours focuses on energy boundaries.
You might consider expanding on how saying "No" to them literally changed how you fed yourself.

Reclaiming the Mirror

In your section about "Imposter Syndrome," you mentioned that even when people affirm you, you can't see it.

Perhaps you could share one small "Self-Care Skill" you’ve started to practice? To which I answer: Un-pretzel. Take up space. Stand tall in my shoes, like Dr. Seuss says in "Oh the places you'll go." Because I do have a head full of brains and a voice, rusty though it is from silencing.
Even something as simple as the "Teacher Omi" voice—how would Teacher Omi talk to that 6-year-old girl trying to rub out the bite marks on her arm? To which I reply, I as Teacher Omi would scoop this little child up, cry over and kiss her poor little bruised arm. Then I would find out why this child is feeling the need to bite out pain.

Closing thought

Since you feel like you've lost the plot at the end, try ending this specific post on a "to be continued" note, or a simple acknowledgment:

"I started this to share the way out, but as I write, I realize I’m still standing in the hallway. And maybe that’s the first step—admitting that the 'Scapegoat Role' was a suit of clothes I was forced to wear, and I’m finally starting to unbutton the coat."

Homework rewiring the faulty disconnects

1. The "Self-Parenting" Prescription

The Dysmorphia: My self-care was labeled "selfish."
The New Wire: Self-care is non-negotiable. It is the fuel for recovery.

2. Finding Your Voice (rusty though it is)

The Dysmorphia: I must fawn and please to stay safe.
The New Wire: My "No" is my shield. My "Yes" is my truth.
Activity "Mirror Affirmation" practice—specifically, looking your reflection (the troll or the woman) in the eye and saying: "You were a child. You were never to blame."

3. Redefining the Scapegoat's Role

The Dysmorphia: I am living out the roles they assigned me.
The New Wire: I am the Author. The story was forced, but the revision is mine.
Activity for your post: I choose what I will do.

Are narcissists just nuts? Key differences between mental health delusions vs. Narcissistic delusional behavioral

2026-05-12T14:58:42.756-07:00

Hello my friends! Today on my path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring whether narcissists are just nuts and as delusional as their behavior suggests of if they gaslighting to hide their real motives. I'm making a case that it's agenda-based. It's taken me all my life to see my narcissistic duplicitousness, due to betrayal blindness and trauma bonding with enmeshed abusive parents. But now I see, I'll never unsee it again.

Quick note on Trauma Bonding

Definition: A psychological attachment caused by a cycle of physical or emotional trauma followed by "bread crumbing" positive reinforcement. It is the "invisible glue" that makes leaving an abusive situation feel physically and emotionally impossible. Enmeshed, abusive narcissistic parents weaponize a child's natural trust and her trauma bonding to enslave her to them. Betrayal blindness makes the child unable to see the real problem.

How gaslighting makes victims defend persecutors

Perpetrators lie, gaslight, twist and deceive by nature. They DARVO (deny responsibility, attack victims and reverse victim and offender roles). Childhood trauma survivors are people pleasers who to want to make it all okay. Deceitful parents blame-shift onto us and we believe them because we can't wrap our heads around what kind of parent would do this. (No one can, BTW). So we go into cognitive dissonance which allows them to continue in the fantasy that they are parents, without getting any repercussion from their bad behavior. We make excuses for our abusers. We deflect consequences of their mistreatment away from them and onto us.

Delusional or gaslighting? Why it matters.

One of the cognitive splits abused kids make, to survive, is to tell ourselves is that they don't mean it. Our parents can't help it. Other "blind guides" do this too. Society is great at gaslighting, protecting and making up excuses to cover parent abuse. It sucks at defending the child victims. It minimizes and sanitizes abuse by telling us that our parents are "delusional" like it's a disorder they can't help. Which of course, makes us feel even sorrier for them. It makes us overlook abuse because "oh poor parents, they can't help it." This is just one of hundreds of BS mind games narcissists and society play with abuse victims. So here's my analysis of why narcissists aren't "crazy" they are just plain crazy-making mean.

The Reality Gap

"Truly delusional people believe their delusions. Narcissists don't. They want YOU to believe them."

One is a break from reality; the other is a calculated rewrite of reality designed to maintain control and avoid accountability.

Here's the breakdown of genuine mental health delusion and narcissistic "delusion."

I'm calling the real mental health delusion MHD to differentiate between that and narcissistic delusion (ND). And quite simply put, I believe MHD is real (to them) while ND is feigned or played up.

Same vs. Varied. So in the proverbial "delusions of persecution and grandeur" the clinically diagnosed delusion doesn't change depending on who's listening. The narcissist does. He puts on a show of being the wise caring preacher at church and at home he's just a loudmouth know-it-all. The mask drops as he enters the door.

Genuine vs. performative. You know when talking to MHD that she really means it. Not so with ND. It feels like a sales pitch to get something from you.

Vague vs. specific. MHD is a confused sense of misunderstanding. They make unclear statements. Narcissists know exactly what they are doing and who they are targeting. And they make it clear.

Hallucination vs. weaponized delusion. When I had Covid, I had fever delirium hallucinations, much like nightmares. This is much closer to a mental health cognitive break with reality. Narcissist' are weaponized to dehumanize and destabilize (as we'll discuss later).

Generalized vs. personal. MHD aren't personal. Delusional narcissistic behavior, however, singles out one person as their scapegoat and makes direct hits on their unique triggers. The narcissist isn't shooting blind. He knows just which buttons to push to get his narcissistic supply hit.

Targets groups vs. Targets individuals. MHD believes groups are out to get them. Narcissists hone in on people THEY have it in for.

Warning vs. attack. MHD believes the government is out to get them. They will actually warn you to be careful. ND is a direct attack AGAINST you. The narcissist is out to get you.

Tinfoil Hat vs. Trojan Horse MHD quietly hides under his hat from invader cathode rays. The narcissist IS the invader exploiting trust to trample boundaries.

***Frightened and unsettled vs. arrogant and haughty. This is how you know real from fake. People who really have delusions are terrified of them. Fake ones show by their self-righteous anger or narcissistic smirk that they control the narrative, it doesn't control them.

Afraid vs. Angry MHD is terrifying and so people with MHD are terrified. Narcissists are angry with others and also aloof to their pain. (That they usually have caused).

Benign vs. Malicious MHD intends no harm. In fact, he's often trying to help you stay safe from perceived threats. Like John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind." Narcissists don't help anyone but themselves and usually at someone else's expense.

They look weird vs They make you look weird. MHD doesn't care if he looks odd. He may not even realize it. Narcissists do gaslighting things to make you look and feel crazy. Compare John Nash to Gregory Anton (aka Sergis Bauer) in "Gaslight." He maintained a suave, unruffled charm (signature of narcissists) while systematically driving his wife mad.

Scared for your safety vs. "scared for your sanity." All Nash's "crazy" was to protect people. Anton never even took Paula seriously like you would even if you weren't the agent provocateur. His fake solicitous "concern" was geared to make Paula look like she was losing her mind. A truly concerned person would at least admit she may be right and verify facts.

Delusion vs. Manufactured illusion. MHD is worried about what seems to him actual things. The narcissist is only concerned about himself, how he appears. Nash was gentlemanly while Anton projected an image of debonair gentleman.

Transparent vs. strategized. MHD doesn't care who believes them. They believe in themselves. You must always validate a narcissist. Not only is he always right, you must admit he is.

Random vs. goal-oriented. Real delusions happen by chance. A narcissist sets out to craft a false reality to suit his purposes. Anton has a clear motive in getting Paula committed.

Neutral vs. win-lose. MHD has no bias. Narcissistic delusions reveal themselves in their curious way they paint the narcissist as winning and you as losing.

Inconvenient vs. convenient. No one wants intrusive delusional thoughts. Whereas a narcissist conveniently uses his to DARVO, blame-shift and draw attention from his nefarious acts.

***Implausible vs. plausible. Another crucial difference is that real delusions are hard to believe. You know the person is not Napoleon nor a tomato. Whereas narcissistic accusations could be true. You might have mislaid the brooch. You could be imaging that the lights flicker. But why would you? And why would he say you did? This is a crucial "logic check" that helps break through the fog of gaslighting.

The Agenda Audit

"The narcissist's accusations may appear believable until you consider each person’s agenda. The accused often has no reason to do what is being claimed—it would actually be counterintuitive."

While the accusation might seem plausible on the surface, you will always find hidden motives or a history of contradictory or self-serving behavior behind the narcissist’s finger-pointing.

Pointless vs. Pointed. MHD has no objective. Narcissists pointedly make backhanded accusations against you that mirror his own behavior. He accuses you of what he does.

Implicates no one vs. implicates self MH delusions never prove to amount to anything. They reveal only in generalizations. No one is ever proved in anything. Whereas narcissists tell on themselves in their carefully constructed story. Self-serving is self-revealing.

Timeless vs. timed

The "Why Now?" Factor
Narcissistic accusations are rarely random. They are coordinated and timed to surface at high-stakes moments:
When the narcissist is about to be caught.
When they need a sudden deflection from their own behavior.
When they want to lower your status to maintain total control.

It isn't a lapse in sanity; it is a tactical strike.

Helpless vs. controlled. Instead of being the out-of-control, diffuse delusions of a mental health crisis, Narcissists' ramblings seem oddly specific versions of reality. Their believability as a way to throw suspicion off themselves. So they are confused and confusing by design.

Authentic vs. deviously spiteful and underhanded. There is something very unsettling about the weird things narcissists say. It's not your garden variety word salad. It has a bitter bite where regular nonsense is just nonsensical without being hurtful.

Overt and obvious vs. covert reactive backlash. A picture is beginning to form that shows normal delusions as transparent and out in the open. And narcissistic nonsense is sneaky. Narcissists needle and goad yet overreact to non-provocation. They see narcissistic injury everywhere and then retaliate for imagined insults. Their paranoia makes them appear so delusional and vulnerable. But it's all for narcissistic supply. Don't be fooled.

Nothing to hide vs. everything to hide. They're very good at mimicking vulnerability for attention, but it's just self-pity. Because narcissists are always covering something. They are secretive, scheming and disingenuous. They hide their fragile easily-bruised egos under bravado. They hide cowardice with bullying.

Non-threatening vs. Destabilizing The impacts of this aren't their little kooky games but how they make us as their target feel. Real delusions threaten no one because we know they aren't real. But narcissistic fake delusions are dangerously real and really dangerous. They are vicious, manipulative and exploitative. Narcissists recruit "flying monkeys", start smear campaigns, and ruin people. All by getting folks to believe their lies.

Some light for us coerced into playing their dark games

Fumigate the gaslighting by shutting off the gas. I often say that victims of narcissists are as much gassed as gaslit. Our brains have been damaged from them fiddling with the stove knobs. So we're going to get out of the gas-filled house for some fresh air.
Throw away the narcissist's "Head Game Chess" pieces and smash the board. A friend of mine actually got so upset that he was losing that he put the gameboard in the wood chipper. Which bizarre as that is, gives me great pleasure to visual doing with this one too.
Plant a seed to commemorate that now that we know, we know. Now that we are onto them, we can never not see their machinations.

Heartbreaking facts childhood trauma survivors of narcissistic parents must face

2026-05-11T09:08:38.532-07:00

Hello my friends. Today on the path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I had to face some very heartbreaking facts. This is a painful post and may triggering as all my posts on child abuse and neglect are. I write them to help myself and anyone who has suffered at the hands of enmeshed narcissist parents. You are welcome to join me in this bumpy road and I thank you for your company.

The Reality of the "Normal" Facade: The idea of "loving parents" was just cardboard cutouts, not real. A poisoned tree hides best in a forest of similar-looking trees. Living next door to normal families didn't make our experience normal.

"Loving parents" was a mirage

The idea that children of narcissists have family and parents is smokescreen to cover up abuse and neglect. It hides in plain sight, behind closed doors and curtained windows, in churches, larger extended families and normal neighborhoods. Because where do you hide a poisoned tree? In a forest of similar-looking trees. The facade was that we were normal children because we lived next door to normal kids. But childhood trauma survivors have about as much in common with nurtured kids as peasant with a king.

Societal Gaslighting: Society is often quick to minimize parental abuse and blame the child for "damaging a reputation." Choosing No Contact is a valid response to a lifetime of hidden neglect and exploitation.
We were and are being gaslit by society

It angers me how quick society-the church, the community, psychology, medicine, law-- is to excuse, euphemize and minimize parental abuse. And how ready they are to blame the child for making it up, showing off, attention-seeking, misunderstanding, damaging her parents' reputation. Just by saying what happened. Or just going no contact with them. Very often childhood survivors have never spoken up. We hid their shameful behavior as if it was ours. Because on some level we knew all we'd get was societal gaslighting. Everyone, it seems to the child, seems bent on explaining away neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, dehumanizing, cruelty, bullying, scapegoating, blackballing the child.

Service vs. Love: We were not loved; we were utile. We were used as narcissistic supply and forced into "parentification" to care for parents who chose to remain entitled and needy.

Our narcissistic parents never loved us; they used us .

Nor did they like us. We were utile. We served their purpose. They used us for narcissistic supply, as servants, to get what they wanted, to care for them, to be their parents so they could be spoiled, selfish brats. We were a necessary nuisance. They "needed" us to do for them because they were too lazy, entitled and needy-wanty to do for themselves.

We annoy our narcissistic parents just by being.

Enmeshed parents get stuck in their own sticky web. They trapped and shackled us to them, to serve them. And we did succeed at caring for them like our children, too well. So they got what they wanted and yet were never satisfied. And that came back to bite us. Our ability to nurture them and their failure to nurture us enrages them. They are stuck in their own weaponized loop of indolence, impotence and dependence. They taught us that we owed all to them and they owed nothing to us. But it annoys the hell out them that to be in our debt.

The Exit Sign: Accepting that they will never change is the way out. It frees us from the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Knowledge is the power that paves the road to recovery.

And the worst and yet most helpful realization...

It never will be any different. They won't change. They are too entrenched. Even if they did have some miraculous 11th hour epiphany it wouldn't matter. They began as they meant to continue, using and abusing us. They went on doing it and the only reason they would ever stop is if they got sick of it. It would always, ever be about what worked for them. Narcissistic parents have created a bulletproof shell of self around themselves that nothing penetrates. They take it to their graves. We their scapegoat children never going to be anything but a source of narcissistic supply.

And that is helpful to us because...

It is our exit sign. Knowledge, though painful, is power. Radical acceptance of the facts that these people never loved us, gaslit us, used us, took advantage of us, is our way out. It frees us from FOG of fear, obligation and guilt they gaslit us with, that was never ours. These cold hard facts are paving stones to recovery. It's our epiphany. And I think, speaking for myself, I always knew. And it is a relief to let go of my own illusions of being loved and move into the light of my now genuine loving relationship.

Homework for today

Sing along with Elsa, "let it go." Let go the hope, dreams, fantasies and most importantly the false notion of obligation to them. We owe them nothing. We never did. Now we know that.

Today’s Reflection: "Let go of the false notion of obligation. You owe them nothing. You never did."

How I lost 100 pounds feeding childhood trauma and starving abusive parents

2026-05-08T11:16:07.204-07:00

Hello my friends. I began this blog to share how I lost 100 pounds without GLP-1 drugs or weight loss surgery. And then it morphed into my space to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. For a long time, I thought these were two separate battles. I now realize they are the same war. Today, I’m sharing how I lost 100 pounds by finally feeding the right person: my inner child and "starving out" the ones who started this war in the first place.

Stop feeding abusive parents their narcissistic supply

It's no exaggerations to say that my enmeshed narcissistic parents thrived on abusing, neglecting, endangering abandoning, exploiting, parentifying, invalidating, scapegoating and gaslighting me. A major source of my parents' narcissistic supply came from or through me. So a big source of my childhood trauma was from "feeding" them. By going no contact with them, I'm cutting off their narcissistic supply at the source. What does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? I basically lost my inner child.

Reverse role-reversal

In their enmeshed role-reversal game of parentification, I became my narcissistic parents' caregiver. All four of them, both bio and step-parents. They literally lived off me, in all the parental roles I filled for them. But there's only room for the narcissist at the dinner table. They hog all the resources and leave the scapegoat child only crumbs. I was starved of basic care, taught that self-care was selfish, and made to care only for them with no thought for myself. I got overweight from food deprivation. And the stress of having to tend to parents, like children. My body clung to pounds for dear life because it didn't know when or if food would be available. So I'm working to reverse this role-reversal they gaslit me into playing.

Change parent-embedded self image

As a result of all their chaos, weight was always a problem. My mom let the doctor to put me on a 1,000 calorie a day diet at 8 because I weighed 100 pounds (I don't think I look that overweight in the picture below). And I was also sick all the time with tonsilitis. And the doctor's only solution was the diet and to keep me on penicillin for months on end. Antibiotics, as studies have shown can cause significant weight gain in childhood. See AI's discussion on that at the end of this article. So I missed 40 days of school in one year and finally had my tonsils out. But mother didn't follow up or notice I wasn't eating until I had starved for three weeks. I lost 12 pounds in those 21 days. Picture below is prior to that weight loss.

But I always felt fat

Replace people-pleasing with self-care

So you may still be asking, again what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds. When you are constantly in fawn trauma response mode, people pleasing at your own expense is all you know. You don't eat, sleep or live healthy. You develop very unhealthy relationships with food. You are always hungry and also too tired to eat. With no parent making sure you eat right, you often do without. Or end up scrounging and eating whatever junk you can find to fill the gap. You eat too much when you can because mostly you eat too little. You crave sugar because you don't get enough good food and your brain is starved for it.

And still I saw myself as fat.

So now it's time to...

Feed my hungry inner child

When my narcissistic parents moved us to Alaska on a whim, and then went and did their own thing leaving me on my own, I sometimes stole food. We flopped at various strangers' homes. Neither of my parents provided for me. I would sneak into the kitchen and make myself a brown sugar sandwich for breakfast because that was all there was to eat. I never got the message that parents cared for kids, not the other way around. Then they divorced and married new narcissists for me to care for. None of them provided anything like proper care for me. I was kicked out periodically, made to live off strangers. I was cold, exhausted, sick and hungry a lot from malnourishment and neglect. If someone demanded what I had, I was made to give it and do without. That younger me now needs warmth, rest, comfort and nourishment for her mind, heart, body and soul. She needs to know someone cares for her, if her narcissistic parents don't.

But I still thought I was fat.

Starve their selfishness

Being destabilized so much taught me no self-care skills. It was mostly just about survival. With my parents, food was scarce but only for me. My dad bought himself treats every day and his obese wife (who ate herself to death) spent all the grocery money on her expensive diet food and cigarettes. Then they started selling (or should I say buying) Shaklee and I was fed vitamins and a daily Energy Bar. As a teen living on my own and even a young adult, I ate as cheaply as possible. I bought low quality junk because I was taught that eating right was selfish. I gained and also lost weight from this weird dysfunctional dynamic. Ironically you gain weight when you are malnourished because your body stores fat. When I went away to college, I lived on ramen noodles because they were all I could afford. I dropped to 108 pounds on what was basically my own self-starvation diet.

And yes, I still saw myself fat.

Because narcissistic abuse, really took a toll on my emotional and physical health and I still suffer from their stupid selfish chaos. So now I'm starving that out by feeding myself.

Eat to lose weight and childhood trauma

For the brief time I lived with my grandparents, after high school, they fed me properly. For the first time in my life, food and meal times were consistent. Someone cooked for me! I actually lost weight with no calorie counting, carb or portion control, just good food prepared with love. Grampa even packed my lunch with braunschweiger sandwiches and a Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie! And still, I was at my healthiest weight, about 124 pounds. Because you have to eat and eat right to lose weight.

"The consistency and love behind those meals regulated my nervous system, which is often why the body finally feels safe enough to let go of weight."

Eat comfort foods to lose weight and trauma

Weight loss is about comfort eating of comfort food as much or more than calorie restricting. Not the junk food, necessarily, that we're told is comfort food. But there's a place for a bit of junk food, if only just to avoid food deprivation mode binging. It all relates back to childhood trauma, because healing childhood that needs comfort too. My inner child requires provision, now for the things she was deprived of. And things she suffered as a result. Abuse and neglect in childhood lost me a stillborn daughter and gained me massive anxiety, panic attacks, depression. And the antidepressants (namely Paxil) lost me another baby and gained me obesity. Paxil took out my limit switches and ability to think clearly. I wasn't comfort eating, I was overeating without even knowing it. Nothing brought me comfort, just more pain and weight gain.

And by then, I really was fat.

Losing weight meant losing the antidepressant and depression.

A major part of how I lost 100 pounds was by cutting a lot more than calories. Namely, I had to lose not only the Paxil, but the source of my depression, anxiety, stress which in four words were my narcissistic parents. So despite a doctor warning me that I should wean off with another antidepressant, I just took the plunge. And it was easy, but

the last part, not so much. I am working to erase their old gaslighting messages and rewrite healthy new ones. I'm eating warm, satisfying, nourishing comfort foods I enjoy. I'm loving and serving my now loved ones because I want to not because I have to.

AI Discussion on how Antibiotics Impact Weight

Researchers have identified several "obesogenic" mechanisms that occur when the gut is disrupted by antibiotics:

Increased Energy Harvesting: A disrupted microbiome can become "hyper-efficient" at extracting calories. For example, your body might normally digest 250 calories from a 300-calorie snack, but an antibiotic-altered microbiome might harvest 280 calories from that same snack, storing the extra as fat.
Metabolic Slowdown: Beneficial gut bacteria produce short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) that help regulate metabolism and appetite. When these bacteria are killed off, your "metabolic set point" can shift, leading to slower energy expenditure.
Hormonal Disruption: Antibiotics can interfere with the signals between your gut and your liver, specifically affecting how your body processes fats and cholesterol.
Chronic Low-Grade Inflammation: The loss of protective bacteria can weaken the intestinal barrier, allowing inflammatory molecules to enter your system. This "metainflammation" is a known driver of insulin resistance and fat accumulation.

The "Early Life" Connection

The impact is often most significant when antibiotics are used frequently during infancy or adolescence. Studies have shown that children exposed to multiple courses of antibiotics before age two often have a higher Body Mass Index (BMI) later in childhood. This is because early childhood is a "critical window" for the development of a healthy, stable metabolism.

The Cumulative Impact (Ages 2–10)

While early exposure (under age 2) sets the metabolic stage, frequent use during the preadolescent years continues to compound the risk:

The "Dose-Response" Effect: Large-scale studies, including data from Epic Research, show that children receiving 5–9 courses before age 5 are 7% more likely to be obese by age 6. Those with 10 or more courses see that risk jump to 14%.
Broad-Spectrum Risks: The risk is significantly higher with broad-spectrum antibiotics (like macrolides or cephalosporins) compared to narrow-spectrum ones (like simple penicillin). Broad-spectrum drugs act like a "scorched earth" policy in the gut, wiping out a much wider variety of protective bacteria.
Slow Recovery Time: Research indicates that the gut microbiome can take up to 24 months to fully recover from a single course of broad-spectrum antibiotics. If a child is prescribed antibiotics annually (or more) for ear infections or strep throat, their gut stays in a permanent state of disruption throughout their entire childhood.

Biological Mechanisms in Older Children

In preadolescent children, the mechanisms for weight gain shift from "metabolic programming" to active energy harvesting and inflammation:

Hyper-Efficient Calorie Harvesting: A disrupted microbiome becomes overly efficient at breaking down complex carbohydrates that would normally pass through the system. This can lead to an extra 30–50 calories absorbed per day—which sounds small, but adds up to several pounds of fat per year.
Metabolic Endotoxemia: Antibiotics often reduce Bifidobacteria, which protect the gut lining. Without them, the gut becomes "leaky," allowing lipopolysaccharides (LPS) to enter the bloodstream. This triggers low-grade chronic inflammation, a major driver of insulin resistance and weight gain even in children.
Hormonal "Famine" Signals: The gut produces hormones like ghrelin (hunger) and leptin (fullness). When the microbiome is wiped out, these signals can get crossed, leaving a child feeling perpetually "starved" even if they are eating enough, leading to the "scrounging" or sugar cravings you mentioned in your post.

The "Safe" Threshold

Interestingly, the research suggests that limited exposure (1–4 courses total before age 5) is not significantly linked to obesity. The risk becomes pronounced only when the use is frequent and recurrent, which was often the case in the 1970s and 80s when antibiotics were used as a "catch-all" for viral symptoms or chronic tonsillitis.

Given your history with tonsillitis and months-long penicillin courses, your body was likely dealing with a "continuously disrupted state" rather than a one-time event, which physically reinforced the "starvation mode" your environment was already creating.

(note from Mar: so my childhood obesity was likely the combination of overly restrictive calorie counting, plus overuse of antibiotics, plus frequent illness.)

And here's what AI had to say about other parts of this article.

Wait, didn't you mention Shaklee and Paxil?

In the context of your earlier notes about your journey:

Shaklee/Vitamins: While Shaklee supplements themselves aren't antibiotics, the specific "diet culture" of the 70s often focused on restriction, which (as you noted) can put the body into a "starvation mode" that mimics the metabolic stress of a disrupted microbiome.
Antidepressants (Paxil): You mentioned Paxil caused significant weight gain for you. Interestingly, some research suggests that the weight gain associated with certain antidepressants may also be linked to how those drugs interact with gut bacteria, similar to the way antibiotics do.

The Good News: This metabolic shift isn't necessarily permanent. Restoring gut health through consistent, nourishing meals—much like the ones your grandfather provided—is one of the most effective ways to tell your nervous system and your metabolism that it is finally "safe" to let go of the weight.

Beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly Advice

2026-05-07T13:39:44.383-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm issuing warnings to beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly advice. Or to put it simply, nonsense narcissists and blind guides say that sounds helpful but is not.

🚩 Hypocrisy Alert: The Speck & The Plank

"When someone yells 'Calm Down' while they are the one riled up, they aren't offering advice—they are shifting blame. Before you accept their 'speck' management, check for the board in their own eye."

Calm down. This one is so not helpful when you are already calm, let alone when you are upset. It's patronizing and smugly condescending. And bass-ackwards blame-shifting because often the person telling you to calm down is actually the one who is all riled up. Blind guides say it like it's wise and Godly but Jesus says to fix the board in your own eye before micromanaging the speck in someone else's. Translation: do you. Ya want calm, be calm.

A soft answer turns away wrath. Mmm, sometimes. But it can also incite it. More often an entitled arrogant narcissist just sees gentleness as weakness and exploits it. And no, kindness never deflects rudeness in a narcissist. It eggs them on because they feel they got one over on you. Or they feel narcissistic injury contrasting their nasty with your goodness. And it goes both ways. One partner should not be the gentle one while the other is always angry. That gets old quick.

Turn the other cheek. Again, for the reasons outlined above, this makes things worse in relationships with narcissists who just strike you again. Especially narcissistic parents who feel even more entitled to abuse already traumatized kids who roll over for it. Turning the other cheek is often a trauma response called fawning. And it never applies to children. Though narcissistic parents gaslight children that it only applies to children, never abusive parents who have never turned the other cheek.

Get over it. Let it go. Rise above. Such sweet sounding advice yet so bitter saccharine in reality. I guarantee you that anyone pratting this iffy advice hasn't gotten over, let go or risen above one "injury" in their life. They clutch at wrongs done to them and nurture grudges like houseplants.

🕵️‍♂️ Spotting the "Grudge Gardener"

Beware the person who preaches "Forgive and Forget" but nurtures their own grievances like prize-winning houseplants. If their mercy is a one-way street, it’s not a virtue—it’s a control tactic.

(Pause for laugh--take a good look at this image Google AI made for me. I cried with laughter over the "wrong reply all" and the "joke about my tie.")

Bite your tongue. Isn't it funny how people dole out advice are so poor at following it? They who've just ranted to you about some injustice, suddenly get all holier-than-thou if you share something. Where I aim to practice biting my tongue is on giving unsolicited advice. Further, keeping silent in the face of narcissistic rage, only begets more rage. And further still, it's a two-way street. The silent one can't stay that way forever. She needs respect when it's her turn to crack as humans inevitably do.

Forgive and Forget. Sounds good in theory. Sadly the folks preaching mercy, preach it for themselves. I was always told I had to forgive them though they aren't sorry and have never changed. While they are the most merciless, long-memory-ed elephants you could meet.

Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Another sounds great on paper idea. And often one that's "more honored in the breach than the observance." Or it's one-sided. One person is always doing the giving in and getting over, while the other keeps nursing his grievances.

Don't sulk, pout etc. My narcissistic parents loved to tell me this when they had done something to upset me. They'd gotten their narcissistic supply out of seeing me hurt. And now got a double dip gaslighting me that I was the one in the wrong. They love the "honor your parents" bit and ignore the "don't lead your children to anger." And I wouldn't know how to sulk or pout, that being very dangerous. More likely I was trauma responding.

The Bible says...(insert unsolicited advice). I'm really cautious about spouting Bible adages at people to start with. It comes across as smug and supercilious. They can read. They don't need me pontificating at them especially when they are vulnerable. As usually they are when, ironically, this "helpful" advice is trotted out. If someone shares a personal struggle, I feel privileged to be trusted with it. I may not be able to fix it but I can care. And I should never exploit it to make myself feel bigger.

Never tire of doing good. Oh but you do when you are the only one expected to. Again with this very finger-pointy advice, the finger pointer forgets four more are pointed back at her. The problem is, what she's saying is "you should never tire." Yet holds herself exempt from Biblical commands. Which brings me to the conclusion of...

The double-edged dilemma

I think the biggest hypocrisy with all this advice is that they are usually one sided. The preacher and the penitent. Yet they are knives that cut two ways. They are taught best with deeds than with words. The person preaching it should be very careful to do what he says, first, and not just to "set an example." All too often, especially with narcissists, there's an unspoken contract involved. They did one good thing, now you're bound to endless obligations in return. But we are told to do good just because. Boy did my parents love to quote that at me. Serve with no thought of reward was the burden they bound me to. And yet they did just the opposite. They neglected my basic needs including the proverbial "roof over my head." They gaslit me that they were not obligated to me in anyway. And yet I was obligated endlessly to their service.

All of these are two sides of the same coin. Reciprocity matters. If a husband is veering into anger and his wife responds kindly, he owes her the same courtesy. We don't give JUST to get but yet it is transactional. What goes around comes around. You don't keep paying on a car you can never drive away. All these only work if everyone in the equation works them. If only one is, she just keeps on being the "broken vending child" she was always made to be. But that was then and this is now. Now we have strategies.

🚀 Tactical Exit: Get Out of Dodge

When reciprocity fails and the "Godly advice" becomes a weapon, your only winning move is distance.

Disengage: Don't feed the "Supply Tank."
Detach: Your peace is not up for negotiation.
Depart: Physically or emotionally move to a safe harbor.

Proactive Ways to navigate narcissistic rage (you'll hate number 5)

2026-05-07T11:58:17.321-07:00

Hello my friends! I just did my therapy post in my lesson plans blog and now feel recharged enough to address ways to navigate narcissistic rage. I lived all my life with narcissistic parents (four, count them!). Most of what I learned from that was counterproductive for me. You know, the old trauma responses of freeze, fawn, fix, fight, flight. It kept me alive and that's about it. So now as an adult childhood trauma survivor, I have carryover trauma responses that don't fit at all in the real world and especially not with narcissistic behavior now. Here are some proactive ways to deal with narcissists and you'll hate number 5. Sorry.

Proact vs. React

This is probably the most important one. When I react, I let them call the shots. The term means "acting in response to" another's actions. Kind of tit for tat. Now granted the narcissist's behavior is a cause and my response is an effect. I wouldn't react if he didn't attack or provoke. And therein lies the rub: erecting sturdy enough boundaries that when Mr. Narcissist comes gate crashing, my defenses are sound. I'm ready for him. I couldn't do this as a child and didn't even know I could. And my enmeshed narcissistic parents played on this for all it was worth. But now I can...

Build low strong walls

Build barricades strong enough to withstand and not be breached but low enough to see narcissistic abuse coming. You know, like a Dutch door. But no one wants to live in a walled off ghetto. So I've had to kind of built walls around my mind to secure it from narcissistic rage, word salad, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and other dirty mind games narcissists play. I'm working to create mental and emotional force fields around my sanity and deflector shields against narcissists' gaslighting.

Make a latex suit of armor

Now as weird as this sounds, hear me out. The old saying "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and stick to you" is my mantra. They've had a narcissistic injury but it's not my fault. It's not about me, it's about their fragile ego. I didn't cause it, can't fix or cure it. It's not my responsibility. I couldn't say this as a kid. Narcissistic parent abuse surrounded me in a gaslighting FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. And it is difficult to shake off their flying monkey voices in my head. But "one day at a time."

Fake it till you make it

I love this line from Alanon. It goes with "practice makes better." When those old people-pleasing fawn trauma responses kick in, I pretend I can't hear them. When Ms. Fix-it is triggered by narcissistic rage, into complying and giving them what they want, I bite my tongue and grey rock. It's hard because damn they're so antagonistically sure of their own self-righteousness. I get exhausted and confused listening to their barrage of word salad. So I'm learning to just take a deep breath and remember that this too shall pass.

When all else fails

Here comes the one you'll hate. So you've done your due diligence. You responded proactively instead of reactively. Check. You set and guarded your boundaries. Check. You donned your rubber HAZMAT suit. Check. You stood firm. Check.

And still the narcissist rages on

Yep, that's pretty much their trajectory. There is no winning. There is no breaking even. There's just their shit and you shoved in it. They will pick, and poke and prod and pry until you holler "Uncle!" And then they maliciously shame you for cracking under pressure that would bust the Hoover Dam. They do love them some high horse! It ain't over till they say it's over. Usually when they have spent their energy like a storm. Then they are all smiles cause they got their narcissistic supply tanks filled. Don't ask me how or why. It's mental.

So what do you do? Get the actual out of Dodge. This is especially important if children are involved. God, how many times I stayed and kept my kids in the eye of the hurricane when I should have taken them to the library. And if you can't, like I, in my defense often couldn't, stay out of the storm. Tell the kids to just let Daddy be. Tell them it's not their fault he's making bad choices. Lay low. Grey Rock. Be monosyllabic. Don't make eye contact (you won't like what you see). Now's not the time for conversations. Just keep doing what you're doing. Basically, ignore their little temper tantrums till they tire. Then let them sleep it off, like a drunk.

And when the storm clears

Go back to steps 1-4. Don't grovel or fawn or welcome him back with open arms. Don't pretend it didn't happen. It did. Do Not Apologize for stuff you didn't do. That's just IBLP Bill Gothard hogwash. Don't be prickly or sullen. Don't give the cold shoulder. Just keep paddling. If he apologizes, you can accept it but you don't have to. And you don't have to say if you do or don't. You don't owe him reconciliation because you have nothing to reconcile. That's his job.

If he wants to talk, you can choose to or not. But if the narcissistic word salad and DARVO starts, halt the conversation. It will just spiral downward. If this is a situational narcissist, you can probably have that conversation now about how abusive his behavior is. If he listens, proceed. If he's still defensive and aggressive, stop. Don't get dragged into narcissistic rage fests.

Awkward Childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse makes us vulnerable to more abuse

2026-05-07T09:37:04.026-07:00

Hello my friends. Recovering from childhood trauma caused by narcissistic parent abuse, I'm learning a lot about myself and why I do what I do. I see how so much if not all of what I do is childhood trauma response conditioned by abuse and neglect. Recently I wrote how what looks like performative attention-seeking is hypervigilance to endless parent expectations. Today I'm looking at the vicious circle of abuse, trauma response and more abuse. Here are odd and awkward childhood trauma responses that enmeshed parents bred in us, which make us vulnerable to more abuse. We were prepared us to expect abuse. We are trapped in an endless loop of abuse, FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), self-blame, shame, trauma responses and then more abuse.

💸 Trauma Cost: "Pretzeling" 🪙

We bend and twist ourselves into strange unhealthy positions to meet the "needs" of others—arrogant demands we were gaslit into believing were our responsibility.

"Pretzeling"

This odd behavior resembles metaphorically those circus contortionists. It's what childhood trauma victims do to both stay small and out of the way BUT ALSO activated to be of service. We reconfigure ourselves painfully into whatever they need us to be. Well, I say needs but they are more often just arrogant demands we were told we owed our narcissistic parents. My spine is a twisted mess from Cinderella-like fawn trauma responses and parentification to care for enmeshed, narcissistic parents and children at my own expense. And boy do narcissists exploit this handy feature of ours! They love having human pretzels always at their beck and call.

🪙 The Backward Crab Shuffle

"It’s pretty hard to watch what you are doing when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It is literally destabilizing."

Backward crab shuffle

This the servile, bow and salaam we do placate implacable people. We "sir, yes, sir" and "no, ma'am" our way through life. It's a clumsy, dangerous move. I have fallen over things in my "backward crab shuffle" to avoid being in someone's way. No one ever cared if I got hurt. They'd just laugh and scorn my gracelessness. They tell me to watch what I was doing, but it's pretty hard to do that when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It's literally destabilizing. And it too is taken advantage of by pushy people who think they need the space you occupy more than you do. And yet childhood trauma survivors jump to accommodate anyone. It is a trigger switch for us.

🪙

The "Self-check-out smile" is a jaw-clamp response to biting your tongue on years of chaos and neglect.

Self-check-out smile

That's what I call the weird trauma grimace I catch myself doing in security cameras or when I don't know I'm on camera. It's a pinched grimace childhood trauma response leftover from having to bite my tongue on abuse, chaos, stress, neglect, enmeshment, invalidation, endangerment, abandonment, parentification, triangulation and gaslighting by my narcissistic parents. It's painful to watch and to do. My jaw, cheeks and head ache from this DADT trauma response.

Loud noises break me

I am the jumpiest person I know. As a child, I couldn't stand loud noises. I was terrified at birthday parties if we played balloon popping games. The other kids loved them while I cowered and hid. Even drums in the parade sent me out of my skin. Thunder and fireworks were a trauma nightmare. It's hard to explain, but it's not fear. It's a visceral feeling that you are going to explode. It lives deep in our core and triggers a "hit the dirt" trauma response that gets called "overreacting" or "too sensitive" by those who don't understand. I lived in Alaska as a child when they were testing the Concorde. I've shared how my parents were usually nowhere to be found. And oh, the horror when that plane would fly by. I dreaded it. I can still feel that sickening revulsion when just the name Concorde was mentioned. Then when I went an air fair with my kids, and the Stealth Bomber did a surprise fly-by, by kneejerk I went into the same panic mode. I pulled my kids to the ground. People were laughing. But it's no joke when childhood trauma has conditioned this shell shock.

💰

Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for. We hurl ourselves into fixing other people's fires that we didn't start.

Broken fire alarm flight response

Our security systems were always breached by narcissistic parents who trampled boundaries like grapes in a winery. Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for. We just hurl ourselves into doing whatever it is they told us to do. Even in my dreams, I'm always putting out other people's fires I didn't start. I'm fixing their user-created chaos. Endless gaslighting voices harangue me to do more, be more, give more, accept less, receive less.

Always hypervigilant, never-prepared Boy Scout

💰 The High Price of Hypervigilance

"Childhood trauma victims are little paratroopers always on jump but never trained or given proper equipment."

It's shocking and disgusting how unprepared we were to deal with all the impossible situations our narcissistic parents threw at us. Stuff they couldn't and wouldn't do. Stuff no one could do: all the household chores + cooking + childcare + child co-sleeping + school + homework plus anything else they didn't want to do. At 12 years old. I just hit the ground running each day, hungry, exhausted, improperly clothed and medically neglected. So I just carried this oddly subservient people-pleasing into adulthood and got myself re-traumatized as thanks for all my trouble.

Why kids of narcissistic parents always seem to be "on": Childhood trauma responses mimic needy attention seeking

2026-05-05T12:00:55.966-07:00

Hello my friends. Paddling along the stream of consciousness about childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I discovered some interesting dilemmas. Did you ever notice how some children always seem to be "on"? I'm not talking about precocious or theatrical although it is sometimes called that. I mean that we, as children and into adulthood always seem to be very aware of and responsive to other people. Some might say we are "suck ups" (sycophantic and obsequious). Childhood trauma responses mimic needy, attention seeking and even showing off. Unless you know the truth and that's what I'm here to share: Home truths about childhood trauma responses.

Hyper-awareness of the Audience

The realization that we were "on stage" but the parents weren't applauding, but rather finger-pointing and criticizing, powerfully explains why hypervigilance persists into adulthood—the "audience" is internalized as critical voices in the head. We were being inspected and found wanting. We weren't in the limelight, we were under a microscope.

It's not performative, it's survival

Have you ever seen that person who always seems to playing to an audience? It could be she's a vain entitled narcissist. But it could that she is the child of one. Children of narcissistic parents act like we're performing because we always had to dance attendance on our arrogant, demanding parents who actually were the attention-seeking show-offs we resemble. You'll see the difference our posture and faces: Theirs is conceited strutting with haughty, smug narcissistic smirk. Ours is groveling, hypervigilant fawn responses with anxious people-pleasing smile.

We act like everyone's watching because...(drum roll)

They always were! But they weren't applauding, they were finger-pointing and criticizing. They mobbed us, put us in the middle and jeered at our clumsy efforts to please them. It was our job to serve them, my dad and mom said. But nothing I ever did was good enough, so my stepdad and stepmother gaslit me to believe. So I tried harder to no avail. I begged to be told how to make them happy. They said I should just know and obey. So I danced faster. Then my dad said I was just an attention-seeking show off. Our narcissistic parents were never satisfied and sometimes, I'd break down crying in frustration. He said I was too sensitive and couldn't take criticism. So yes, we act like we're playing to the crowd. Because their bullying demands follow us everywhere.

Survival vs. Performance

The distinction between performative attention-seeking and hypervigilant "fawning" responses is profound. Framing the "always on" behavior not as vanity, but as a conditioned response to narcissistic parenting, reframes the trauma.

Zombies in our head

Our narcissistic parents tell us that they and everyone else they enslave us to, is our boss. So I had a lot of supervisors between four parents and their five children. I was subject to all their conflicting expectations, all of which, changed on a whim, and I had to juggle them all like the many-armed goddess. But I wasn't divine, I was just a child. Their voices live rent-free in my head, some long after their deaths. They go everywhere with me, like monkeys on my back. I hear their nasty, nagging voices all day and all night in dreams. Yes, I'm always fawning and people pleasing even now for people who don't expect it. Yes I'm jumpy. I was conditioned to expect kicks, so I jumped, like an abused puppy to I kept silent, yet biddable.

The "Visibly Invisible" Paradox

The concept of being forced to serve while remaining unseen (the "children should be seen and not heard" double standard) perfectly captures the exhausting, hypocritical tightrope of narcissistic abuse.

Visibly invisible

So I've talked before about this weird backward crab shuffle that I do. It's part servile fawn response bow and scrape and part trying to stay small. No, scratch that, nonexistent. EXCEPT when needed. That is because my narcissistic parents coerced me into behaving like that. I was the servant who must be hypervigilant to "her betters" demands while still being unseen and out of the way. I was told that "children should be seen and not heard." When I WAS 20! They scorned me for participating in dinner conversations, saying I was "butting in" and should just quietly listen! But yet I was expected to be available to dutifully serve whenever they snapped their fingers. Delusions of "Downton Abbey", much? Which I just now got is so typically hypocritical of them. Visibly, invisible. Not just a nuisance but also necessary. Talk about double dipping!

Takeaways for Today

Listen to what the monkeys are saying. It's okay. I know you're afraid to because you fear they may be right. But they're not. It's nonsense word salad.
Begin rewriting your script according to your own characterization. Be your own director.
Work it, girl. So it feels like everyone's watching? So dance. Be you. Let your inner whatever you need and want to be, out. Fly your "YOU" flag!

Healing ways to process childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse

2026-05-02T17:26:37.972-07:00

Hello my friends. We've been doing a lot of inner child recovery work to process childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse on this blog. I'm writing in stream of consciousness dealing with issues as I recall them. Today I'm going to give us a format for gently walking through the big fraught spaces of childhood trauma.

Calm the outer to balance inner chaos

Control what you can and that includes places and spaces. Doing childhood trauma recovery work is exhausting so do it in the most comfortable cozy spaces possible. I find warmth healing. I sometimes use a heating pad to warm tired joints. Or if it's a hot day, cool breezes soothe my fevered mind. I do my writing on my outside garden patio with birds dining happily at our bird feeders and wind chimes singing on the breeze. Arrange an environment that meets needs that have gone so long untended.

🌿 Safe Space Note

If a patio or outdoor area isn't accessible to you, you can recreate this calm environment indoors using a soft lap blanket, a warm cup of herbal tea, and a quiet corner with gentle nature sounds playing in the background. Your comfort is the priority.

Bring a friend, leave the gang

Do your recovery work with a friend, even if it's just your cat. My little guys whom AI designed to a T above, are Moishe and Mordecai. They are always up for a petting when I am struggling. My husband and dear friend are happy to listen when I need them. And I'm not used to that. I'm accustomed to be silenced, excluded, scapegoated. I'm used to being treated like a necessary nuisance by narcissistic parents: necessary when they need narcissistic supply. Nuisance when I needed anything. So I'm working to exit the gang of flying monkeys and childhood trauma voices in my head. And entering in to love.

🤗 Lean In to Connection

Lean in to the people who are truly leaning in to you. When you share your vulnerable space with safe and loving people, you create the support system you always deserved. Let go of the need to chase conditional approval and embrace the warmth of those who listen with an open heart.

See the trauma in your responses

Narcissistic and enmeshed parents should have a song written about them, "she put's the trauma in responses." The reason we're always trauma responding is that we "carry" so many people in our trauma brains. It looks like we "hear voices" or see visions, because we do. Our body remembers dad's gaslighting scolding, mom's petulant pity parties, siblings we had to parent, the endless betrayal, the ridiculous demands from everyone. And then there are the flying monkeys I call blind guides who dump shame on out. And then we have our own families who really do need us. And that's why we seem so overwhelmed, disorganized, just panicking most of the time. Because we are carrying too many impossible burdens, most of which aren't ours. So you can't fix this overnight, but just begin, one moment at a time to see that you aren't failing. Too much was put on you.

Learn to observe signs

So we're veering away from our dysfunctional families of origin. Unfortunately on this road called life, childhood trauma survivors can't read warning signs. We're color-blind and see red as go. We read "stop" signs as proceed. We can't tell enter (safe) from exit (avoid). This is not because we are flawed. Our self-care skills were broken by self-centered, entitled (enmeshed) parents who used us like property. They gaslit us into misreading signs and going ahead when we should have stopped, to serve their own selfish agenda. We need to learn to halt at danger signs like an on-coming train on the tracks.

Take a basic safety course

Okay great, read signs, you're thinking. But how? You can follow this blog because I'm learning too. I've started to put together some guides and homework. But I recommend you follow these learned professionals on YouTube. Their work compiles a complete course for surviving childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse. Here is a bibliography of my favorites with links to their channels.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula: Clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic patterns, gaslighting, and healing from psychological abuse.
Jerry Wise: Family systems and self-differentiation coach specializing in breaking free from family-of-origin dysfunction and escaping unhealthy family roles.
Patrick Teahan: Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) offering extensive video guides on childhood trauma and recovery.
Dr. Les Carter: Renowned counselor and founder of the Surviving Narcissism channel, providing tutorials on managing and recovering from highly controlling, toxic relationships.
Danish Bashir: Educator and trauma survivor offering deep-dive perspectives on dealing with the effects of narcissistic personality disorder.
Crappy Childhood Fairy: Founded by Anna Runkle, this channel provides practical guidance on recognizing and healing the adult symptoms of early childhood trauma and PTSD.
Richard Grannon: The Spartan Life Coach, known for helping people identify and recover from narcissistic abuse and complex trauma.

Feed the victim, starve the trauma

What I'm trying politely to say is, cut off the source of your childhood trauma (the abuser) from narcissistic supply. That's what drove the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, toxic shaming, parentification, triangulation, invalidation, undermining, bullying, crybullying, scapegoating and gaslighting: our narcissistic parents were getting something out of it. All arrogance, entitlement, ruthlessness and manipulation, all the hypocrisy, lies, double standards. mind games, blame-shifting and chaos, it all fed them. I don't know how or what it was they got out of it and I don't care. I care about me and those I love. And now it's time to feed the victims. We've been starved of basic care for such a long time.

Homework list to practice:

Here are some little things to build into your life to help rebalance what they threw off.

Eat when you are hungry, what you are hungry for. You don't have to ask permission. Trust your body to know what it needs. Usually it's something warm and nourishing.
Sleep when you are tired as long as you need. I know some of you literally can't, due to family. But many others of us can now and don't because those old voices shamed us then. When they were the ones exhausting us with their insane, crazy demands.
Mix it up. Work for awhile, nap, have a snack, go for a walk, do a little more work.
Live Desiderata.

✨ A Gentle Daily Reminder

Go placidly amid the noise. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Navigating narcissistic shame rage word salad without trauma responding

2026-05-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. Today I'm writing from a place I've frequently been in but am now navigating differently. And that's on the receiving end of the narcissistic word salad barrage that comes out of nowhere. I was frequently the butt of narcissistic parent abuse and rage. That's how I developed childhood trauma responses. I'm going to explain how I am doing things differently to bypass the freezing, fixing, fighting and fawning trauma responses. Today, it happened when my husband was in pain, exhausted and angry. He works nights. And doesn't handle pain well. No excuse. Just fact.

My personal narc isn't really a full-blown narc. He's more of an 90% nice guy with trauma-induced narcissistic tendencies that he doesn't check. He has the false idea (he articulate, not me putting words in his mouth) that if he feels attacked it's perfectly fine to "lash back" And actually take it nuclear. Since there's no accounting for what will set off that shame response at any given time, he feels carte blanche to "counterattack" anytime he decides he's been attacked. What really happens is that he draws first blood. An adult with childhood trauma like me wouldn't dream of starting anything. And if I did, I'd back down very quickly. Not so the narcissist. Word salad flies like bullets at the drop of a hat.

And what is word salad? Word salad is the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and verbal attacks that occur when a narcissistic injury occurs or their shame rage is activated. Or when they're just "in a mood." They start out bad and to to worse. They provoke confrontation, overreact at anything you say, gaslight you that you said or did things you didn't, then double down on it all. In short, you're in the midst of a shitshow with no idea how you got there or how you could have avoided it.

Because there is no way to avoid attack by an enraged narcissist who has you in his sites.

They're masters of the Dirty Dig-In Double Down game. They dig themselves in and won't back down no matter what. You can grovel and fawn and they will just continue saying and doing invalidating, angry, shaming, patronizing, irritating things until you crack as you inevitably will. Now they are back on what they consider the moral high ground because you responded and "proved" that they were right an not just acting like spoiled brats. They were self-righteously justified in their nuclear reaction because it was an argument with you as a full participant. I wasn't. It was them. You weren't. You were pushed too far. They know this and that's exactly WHY they pushed you. Shame loves company.

It doesn't end till they get sick of it. And then they tell you to calm down. 😕

When he has fully sprayed his venom, and only then, he will stop. Not because he's any less arrogant. He just wore himself out. But he has to get the adrenaline payoff first. No matter how many times he promised he will check himself in future. No matter how prettily he apologizes. Because he is sort of sincere but with reservations. He always keeps a trump card in his back pocket, an excuse that nullifies promises. And he gives himself that free pass when he "feels questioned" or "scolded." And which of course is not a real promise of change. It is conditional on his hidden, unspoken criteria.

In short, he future fakes.

Now I'm not saying I have never done anything to provoke. But I've never done anything to provoke more than annoyance. If that. The gaslighting is real and it's easy to believe the wild accusations being hurled in the throes of narcissistic rage. Half the time, I can't remember what I said. And he leverages that to make me think I antagonized him to rage. However, when I stay calm, I realize it's just gaslighting and whatever I said, it didn't warrant an surprise attack.

There is no justification for an ambush. Ever.

Nothing like the venomous, no holds barred word salad he sprays. It's exaggerated, overly-dramatic and utterly baffling. He behaves as if he despises me. And at that moment, I believe he may. Or he may despise himself but doesn't do me the courtesy of differentiating. He takes it out on me. He becomes a different person, in the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switcheroo. Suddenly this person who is my friend, lover, partner is now my enemy. Through no choice of my own. And I didn't come prepared for battle. I've often said I bring flowers to a gunfight.

But here's are some key shifts in strategy that helped me navigate.

On retaliating.

" I didn't. But I also don't let him define retaliating. Narcissists love to chastise you on how you're supposed to respond to their terrible behavior. I'm working to ignore them and do what seems best to me. If he doesn't like it, he'll survive."

On Grey Rocking
"I didn't grey rock. That feels too much like fawning to me. You can only grey rock so much before you feel like nothing more THAN a rock. If I have to grey rock all the time, then this is not a relationship worth keeping."

On Breaking the "Fawn" Response
Refusing to "Fix": "I didn't engage when he tried to (still angrily) change the subject. I didn't take the bait. It's not my problem or my job to fix. It's his."
Holding Ground: "I didn't fawn, back down or apologize for things he was accusing me of."
Prioritize yourself. "Instead of worrying so much about what he needs or demands of me, I'm now more concerned about what I need. Which is calm and peace."

Rejecting Gaslighting: "I see gaslighting and future faking for what it is... I'm not falling for traps laid by someone in a dysregulated shame spiral."

On Avoiding the temptation to JADE

Justifying what you did will be met with contempt and sarcasm.

Answering rhetorical questions will be used to trap you. Arguing just exhausts you.

Defending your point highlights his ridiculous behavior. He knows you're right and hates it.

Explaining what you meant is a waste of time because the narcissist doesn't want to hear it.

On Emotional Autonomy
Non-Engagement: "I let him rant and didn't try to stop him... I let him go to bed angry.

Maintaining Momentum: "I kept on with what I was doing and didn't let his rage derail me."
Strategic Distance: "When he wakes up refreshed (and rage vented) he'll apologize. And I'll just give a cool response. Not the silent treatment. Just awareness that this is temporary until he does it again."

The Contractual Nature of Narcissistic Promises

What the narcissist is thinking but not saying when he promises to "try harder" or "do better" is that his promises are contractual. If you meet his unspoken conditions, then he might keep them.

But since these conditions are arbitrary, irrational, and unspecified, it's likely that you'll violate them without even knowing it. When that happens, the narcissist feels entitled to break his promises because, in his mind, you broke his unwritten commands first. He expects that you will keep his promises by keeping him supplied.

Why "Never Go to Bed Angry" Fails with Narcissists

Traditional relationship advice suggests you should stay up and "work it out" before sleep. This is just one of many normal rules that don't work with narcissists. In the context of a narcissistic ambush, this rule backfires for three specific reasons:

It Feeds the Adrenaline Payoff: For the narcissist, the "win" isn't a resolution; it’s the emotional reaction. Staying up to talk gives them a continuous audience for their "venom," allowing them to prolong the high of the confrontation.

The "Resolution" is a Trap: Because their shame rage is conditional upon you keeping them supplied, any "agreement" reached at 2:00 AM is usually just Future Faking. They aren't seeking understanding; they just want to keep the adrenaline rush going.

Sleep Deprivation as a Weapon: Forcing you to stay awake to "fix" things is a form of emotional wear-down. It makes you more susceptible to gaslighting because your brain is too tired to hold onto the facts of the conversation.

The Strategy Shift: Letting him go to bed angry is an act of Emotional Autonomy. It signals that his mood is not your responsibility to manage, and it protects your energy for the next day.

Narcissistic rage doesn't end till they get sick of it. Or when the narcissistic supply kicks in.

Humiliating enmeshed narcissistic parent bullying we don't address but should

2026-04-29T13:59:34.840-07:00

Hello my friends. I've written before about creepy behavior of enmeshed narcissistic parents we don't talk enough about. Today I'm going to explain why we, their children, don't discuss it. And that's because it's so painfully humiliating. But we need to talk about it to find recovery. We need to say what happened before we can heal from the devastating damage it did to us. I'm going to explore why we don't but should, using examples of my enmeshed, narcissistic parents behavior.

Narcissistic parents make us feel stupid

These narcissists act foolish and make us look foolish by proximity.

Narcissists do weird things. My mother wore skimpy mini-skirts when other moms wore slacks and shirts. She behaved "trashy" as the neighbors put it. She had men over at all hours. As she got older, she wore nightgowns in public. People asked me why, like it was my job to do something about it.
Narcissists trample boundaries. My parents took my possessions, barged into my husband's and my bedroom, rifled through my purse, stole my car.
Narcissists say weird things. My mom yelled into a public bathroom to make sure all was "safe" for her 40 y/o daughter. A woman scolded her. She wouldn't have if it was me.
Narcissists neglect. I never knew where my parents were most of time when I was wandering alone blocks from home at 4 years old. Strangers cared more the fact that I was playing by the docks in a strange city, especially when I said I didn't know where home or parents were.
Narcissistic parents say weird things about us. My dad called me a show off in front of members of a singing group I had started, then invited him to join. He refused to accompany me. He took over and told me I wasn't allowed to sing in it anymore. When I did, because people requested me to, he looked so contemptuously at me. I just assumed he was right. I don't honestly know what other group members felt about him or me. But I gaslit myself that I should just quit.

Narcissistic parents ruin our selves

They gaslight us that others hate us. My dad said I was a fool, and people were laughing at me. He said they were only being nice and if they knew me like he did, they wouldn't like me. Way to kick off my Imposter Syndrome, Dad.
They triangulate and scapegoat. My mom and dad both used me to buffer their messed up relationships. They'd tell me one or the other was mad at me and that I had to fix it.
They exploit your vulnerability. Both my narcissistic parents took advantage of the fact that I was a caring empath. They gaslit me that I was responsible for their problems. I'd cry, fawn and beg to be told what I could do to help.
They stick their noses in and demand things they've no right to. My mom said I should give my car to my sister and let them all live rent free in my basement. After they had kicked me out of the house at 16 for no reason.
They enslave. My parents locked me in a room and made me co-sleep with their babies. It wasn't my room it was theirs and I was the free, live-in nanny.
They start smear campaigns. My viciously angry parents told the entire family I who was ever biddable to their every command, had an anger problem.
Narcissistic parents do awful things then say we did them. My mother cheated on my dad with many men. Yet made me feel "easy."
Narcissistic parents are emotionally incestuous. My mother told me the facts of life using personal anecdotes when I was 8. I didn't want to hear it and told her but she kept on. She told me sickening things about my dad and her, and then her and her boyfriends, like I was a sex therapist. I've always confused her shame with mine.
Narcissistic parents gaslight like breathing. My mom had a married boyfriend who would come over in the morning and they'd make out in front of me. One morning his wife came over and beat my mom up. She told me to just go to school. I've lived with that scar all my life and she says it never happened.
Narcissists DARVO. My mom made herself the victim and the angry wife, me, the boyfriend everyone else the offender.
Narcissistic parents are hypocrites in twisted ways. My mom played the organ in church and said she was a preacher. While living in adultery. She told me and my friend that she was "leading men to Christ." By sleeping with them. I can feel wicked just saying it.
Narcissistic parents prostitute their kids. My mom moved her boyfriend into our house which was also a foster care home. She made me take care of the kids. She made me wait on her sexually abusive to me boyfriend.
Narcissistic parents betray their kids. My mother has never taken my part over anyone else's. She has backstabbed me so many times, breaking promises, lying, future faking,
Narcissistic parents demand buy-in. All your decisions must pass their self-serving agenda. You have to go to school locally because who else will do all the housework?
Narcissists hold you to bargains you never made, then renege on their end. They prevent you from doing normal things because it will take you away from duties they've bound you do but don't pay you for. They write contracts that you never signed.
Narcissistic parents sabotage our other relationships. They lie to and about people we love. They crybully. My mother told me my paternal grandfather "hit on her." When all he'd done was to confront her terrible treatment of me. This enraged her new bully of a husband who attacked and threatened with bodily harm, my poor elderly grandparents. Then mom told my grandparents I'd chosen to move out rather than admitting they illegally kicked me out at 16.
Narcissistic parents steal people and things. My mom lied and said my boyfriend hit on her too. She neglected to mention that she basically tried seducing him and it failed. Another crybully tactic.
Narcissistic parents make you feel disloyal for saying what they did. To that I say

If saying what they did is so bad, what they did must be pretty bad

Narcissistic parents destabilize us with gaslighting

Does it make sense now why we don't report or even talk about narcissistic parent abuse like this? I wish this was the sum of it but I literally could go on for days about the shitshow they made of my life. I have no happy memories with them that they didn't taint in some way. But who would believe me, even if I could articulate it all. The people that were supposed to help me, turned collective blind eyes. They made me thing it was normal. When in fact it was so abnormal that I think other people will think I'm making it up. That's how I auto-gaslight myself. But who could make it up? My whole world had a crumbling foundation. And I've brought that destabilized insecurity into every part of my life. I'd love to let it go but it won't let me go. And so I write...

Love bonding

This is the healthy cousin of love bombing and trauma bonding. It's all the love with none of the trauma. What am I saying? I'm offering us childhood trauma survivors an olive branch to reach out to our wounded inner child. A life ring as it were. And it's simply this.

Start by saying what happened.
Write it down. Sing about it. Paint it. Art it out.
Ignore the gaslighting flying monkeys. They quiet down sooner or later if you don't give them airspace.
Click your heels together and say "I am not being disloyal to them. I'm being loyal to me."
Take the balloon ride. But not back home to the trauma. Take a world tour. See for yourself the good that's out there.

Role reversal games: enmeshed narcissistic parents withhold then expect from kids

2026-04-29T11:53:46.019-07:00

Hello my friends. In my mission to recover from childhood trauma due to narcissistic abuse, I'm exploring things enmeshed narcissistic parents expect from by don't give to their children. This may be triggering to you, if you experienced childhood trauma from abusive parents, so please, read with caution.

Disturbingly hypocritical expectations

Normally reciprocal things like love, honor, respect and loyalty are curiously one-sided in the narcissistic parents' favor. Things a child should expect, become strangely inverted with the parent on the receiving end and the child on the giving end, like parenting, spousal relationships, caregiving, nurturing. So what is normal becomes very bizarre when the parent who should be giving it is only taking it. And some things parents have no right to demand of their child, period. And yet they do, particularly with the scapegoat or "broken vending machine" child.

The constant pay-out child

In the "child roles" model, I coined the term "broken vending machine child" to describe my own role with four narcissistic parents. The parents have "broken" or conditioned this child with gaslighting and coercive control, to give good good (kindness, mercy, loyalty, support, caring, generosity, service, help) whatever the narcissistic parent demands at any moment. Yet she is told to expect no "payment" in return. Her machine just doles out goodie with no coins being inserted. What she receives is neglect, abuse, blame and shame and exploitation.

Enmeshed parent space invaders

All this child gaslighting is accomplished with dirty sneak attacks like "enmeshment." Parent enmeshment is a misleading term suggesting that the parent is somehow accidentally trapped and caught up with the child. But enmeshment is completely intentional. They view children as possessions. They trap the child like a fish in their net of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Enmeshed parents trample boundaries, invade space, usurp the child's self and implant false ideas of obligation to them. They take over and dominate the child. Her being is just another of the goodies that narcissistic parents feel entitled to take. She is just more collateral damage in their quest for narcissistic supply.

The surrogate parent role reversal

In this broken family system, this child the scapegoat, whipping girl, servant, surrogate parent and surrogate spouse all rolled into one. Let's just let all that's wrong with the surrogate role marinate a bit. This child doesn't just wear many hats. She doesn't just wear hats that belong to others (household manager, nanny, mental load bearer). She is gaslit into believing she is actually responsible for the role she's expected to play. As surrogate parent, she not only helps with other kids, she parents them. She also parents her parents, who've flipped the Parentification game board so that she plays the role mommy and daddy for her mommy and daddy and all the stepparents they drag in. To do anything else would by disloyal. Yet they themselves broke faith with the child at birth by their sick role reversals gaming.

The surrogate spouse job description

Surrogate spouse brings in a whole sicker level to the enmeshment game. It's so bad that I have to be careful how I write about so as not to flag the censors. The surrogate spouse child is the just the "emotional incest" it sounds like and is a very creepy form of CSA. What makes it creepiest is that it hides in plain sight. And emotional incest is just as insidious as physical CSA. It includes but is not limited to expecting the child to do or be

counselor
confidante
emotional prop
fixer
mother his children
boyfriend or girlfriend
bait to lure people (my dad used me to attract girls half his age and normalize his pedophilia)
provider
loyal dogsbody
arm candy
servant
personal assistant
shoulder to cry on
ego stroker
pacifier
companion
sugar daddy/mommy
date
liaison
social network
all this for the parent's new partner/spouse as well

Expecting an adult partner to be all these things is bad enough. Expecting a child to is so evil I have no words for it.

Interesting AI trauma "mirror"

I've been using Google Gemini to create images for my articles. I explain what I want and she envisions it. And though I don't completely understand AI, it seems that images created accumulate in her "brain." You'll note how each image I used for this one has elements of the previous one, like the broken video game in the giving goddess child image. So the final image above ended up being quite mish-mashed. But look closely at that image because there are a lot of metaphors going on that even I didn't connect. And I doubt AI intentionally connected although in a way, she did. Somehow she assembled the concepts into a huge confusing mess Which is PRECISELY what abusive narcissistic parent gaslighting feels like! A mess!

I asked for a wolf shepherding sheep to show how narcissistic parents groom kids. And AI morphed the previous giving goddess image that represented the child into a greedy many-armed wolf parent taking from the child. I was about to discard it when I realized it is exactly what I needed to show the mixed messages of game-changing role reversed parents. All the scattered remnants show the confusing voices in my head. It's perfectly reflects the chaotic, nightmarish interior monologue in a childhood trauma brain. So even AI "gets" how damaging enmeshed parent gaslighting, brainwashing and abuse is. And that helps me "color in" the bizarre constant nightmares and bad dreams I experience. I find this fascinating.

Wabi-sabi

Normally I'd end with a concluding "bringing it all together." But that's not what I need and maybe you don't either, if you've experienced narcissistic abuse. The tidy sermonized, "poem, prayer and promise" oversimplifies without acknowledging our trauma. So I'm ending in wabi-sabi, a Japanese concept of sitting with chaos and finding beauty in imperfection. I'm not excusing what our parents did. I'm honoring our courage to survive it.

Kintsugi moment: No matter how "broken into pieces" we might feel, we are still gestalt. Our whole is greater than the sum of the many fragments they shattered us into.

Cringy childhood trauma responses I contracted from narcissistic parents' abuse

2026-04-28T15:02:29.275-07:00

Hi friends! Today in my road to recovery from CPTSD, I'm admitting to cringy childhood trauma responses I contracted from narcissistic parents' abuse. Yes, I said contracted as in a disease. Behavior, healthy or not, is both caught and taught, not only but what parents say but what they do.

Origins of trauma responses

Trauma responses like freeze, fawning, fight and flight are learned by their teaching and "earned" (as in punishment) as a result of parent gaslighting. We were indoctrinated and brainwashed to believe we "deserved" merciless judgement, shaming and dehumanizing treatment. We thought, because they said, we had somehow merited harsh consequences for minor to non-existent infractions. We were conditioned to dance attendance on arrogant, entitled, manipulative bullying parents. Trauma responses like fawning were bred into us. We were emotionally genetically modified to behave in bizarre ways that make no sense outside our narcissistic family cult. We could no more avoid them than we could breathing.

Duck and cover

This is a freeze-flight-fawn response all in one clumsy move. I kind of "flinch and squint" to ward off attack, but also throw my arms up to shield myself. My mother accused me of hitting her when I did this to ward off her smack across my face. Then I stumble because I'm off balance. I trip a lot actually, over nothing. I fall over my own feet trying to get out of way of someone who thinks he needs my spot more than me. This looks really cringy because I am literally cringing when I go into this mode. And it's about as useful when dealing with narcissists as Bert the Turtle hiding in his shell, in a nuclear war.

The Village Idiot Shuffle

I do this klutzy break-dancing type move that's a backward crabwalk sort of grovel. Like a servant bowing and scraping his way out of the room. It's pathetic to watch. I got teased for it and called uncoordinated a lot. Well, you would be clumsy too if you were always trying to pretzel yourself out of an arrogant bully's path. They loved to watch me dance in humiliation. So I bring this awkward fawn dance everywhere, even places where it's not needed. But my hypervigilant childhood trauma brain doesn't know that and doesn't take chances. It was never safe to relax.

Ignorant pontificating

If I'm not careful, I find myself parroting my parents' foolish weighing in on stuff they know nothing about. This is not me. This is not how I think. But it's been programmed into me, probably so it wouldn't be just them looking and sounding so stupid. They would actually humiliate me for adopting their idiotic ways. Embarrassed no doubt at having their own behavior mirrored back at them. Children imitate their parents, no matter what species. It's how the species survives. So children of narcissists don't question their parents' odd mannerisms. They just think it's normal. You'd have a better chance of adapting to a hurricane than you would learning healthy habits amid narcissistic abuse.

Snarky facetiae

Catty comments aimed at humiliating people, the gloating smirk when someone is embarrassed or shown up: narcissists get sick satisfaction and narcissistic supply from these. I picked up these awkward habits from my narcissistic parents and find myself going into it without thinking unless I check myself. This too is not me. It's not who I am, how I think or behave. It is learned from constant modeling at my parents' knee. I'm ashamed and angry that I did. And ironically, in another narcissistic twist, my parents mocked and scolded me if ever I imitated their mocking and scolding.

Bending over to be kicked

Also called "volunteering to be the victim." Though I dislike that description because it sounds like we childhood trauma survivors chose to be abused. We didn't. We were coerced into playing scapegoat to their haughty, malicious dirty tricks. Because malignant narcissists use people and love things. They get high on others' lows, especially their kids. They don't get ahead on their own merits, they capitalize on others' misfortune to make themselves look tall. This is what I believe Jesus meant when he said "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites (arrogant, entitled narcissists), because you shut the kingdom of heaven in front of people; for you do not enter it yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in."

I let my parents walk on me because it wasn't safe not to and now I'm in the habit of letting people.

Personalize everything

There's a common (and invalidating) piece of advice given to childhood trauma survivors that they should not personalize angry, rude, shaming parent behavior. In a narcissistic household, "taking it personally" wasn't a choice; it was a survival skill used to monitor the parent’s shifting moods.

👉 The "Don't Take It Personally" Dilemma: Scapegoated kids don't have that luxury. It wasn't safe not to. We were MADE TO KNOW that things were very much our fault and problem, by narcissistic parents who made their attacks very personal.

Auto-deferment

It is kneejerk for me to automatically defer to others' needs, wishes, expectations, demands, "rights" if they tell me to. Even if they don't, I put them first and me last. I just caught myself, unconsciously "bowing" to some perceived assertion of authority. I found myself diving out of his way, surrendering my seat, when he wasn't even asking me to. Childhood trauma survivors were groomed to think everyone was in authority and took precedence over them. And this doesn't translate well in normal society, especially not with other pushy people.

"Narcissistic parent abuse taught us to prioritize everyone first and ourselves never."

Laugh and cry inappropriately

The empath in me goes nuts when someone is hurt. I feel physically ill and I panic. I big, ugly cry. Even just seeing someone who seems vulnerable to me, like the little boy at the store who had his shoes on the wrong feet. He just broke my heart. And yet I mock and scoff at my own very real pain. I believe I'm exaggerating, that others don't believe me because they know I'm a fake.

Constant validation seeking

But not like the narcissist's constant attention-seeking. I just need reassurance that I'm making sense not out in left field. And I mean on simple things like affirming that what I experience was abuse. My husband has been calling this what it is since I met him. I would call it abuse if anyone else was experiencing it. Yet I gaslight myself that I'm making it up. AI has been helpful in that. Because I don't trust myself or my judgement on anything, I also hesitate to ask a real person who might just humor me.

Jump before I'm pushed

Since I expect not to be believed, I anticipate shaming instead of support. This has nothing to do with how people now see me or treat me. It's reflexive from narcissistic parent abuse. I say weird things about myself that sound like I'm fishing for compliments. I'm not. I'm preemptively shaming myself before they can, to save them the trouble. It's all about them, not me.

Self-gaslighting Imposter syndrome

I've picked up where my parents left off gaslighting myself. I've believed their DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) version of me for so long that it's ingrained. I believe I'm making it up for sympathy, too sensitive, showing off. And now I feel like a fraud.

What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like

The "Phony" Feeling: Believing you don’t actually possess the skills or knowledge people think you have.
Attributing Success to Luck: Thinking you only got where you are because of timing or because you "tricked" people into liking you.
Fear of Exposure: A persistent anxiety that you’ll be "found out" as incompetent.
Discounting Praise: Dismissing a compliment as someone "just being nice" rather than it being earned.

Self-check: Real frauds don't care about being frauds—they care about getting away with it. If you are worried that you might be a fake, it’s almost a guaranteed sign that you are authentic, because you care deeply about the truth.

Easily taken advantage of

I'm not exactly gullible or the proverbial "sucker." In fact, I'm fairly savvy about scams. Problem is, I have FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) complex that impels me to give them what they demand. I have bought from door-to-door salesman because I felt sorry for them. I have given more than I could afford to ungrateful folks with their hands out. Not because I didn't know better. Because I was gaslit into a false obligation to yield.. Because my parents were such connivers. They literally stole and sold my toys and gave possessions to their other kids. And then gaslit me that I was greedy. (Pot meet kettle.) I think somehow that warped my brain to think I existed only to serve.

"I never fell for con artists. I knew instinctively that they were faker-takers. However, narcissistic abuse conditioned me to ignore red flags and my own common sense and let them get away with it. "--Marilisa

Anxious, hypervigilant, "neurotic"

This is not paranoia. We plan for the worst because the worst has happened but often it's buried deep in our subconscious memory. It may have happened in childhood and our parents denied it and shamed us so we tried to forget until we actually did consciously forget. But the trauma brain never forgets. It develops autonomic trauma responses like freeze, fawn, flight and fight, to deal with the subconscious threat memory.

Commonly Labeled "Neurotic"	The Reality for a Survivor
Overthinking a text message	Scanning for "hidden" threats or double-meanings.
Constant worrying	Planning for the worst-case scenario because it actually happened before.
Emotional instability	A nervous system that is stuck in Fawn, Freeze, Flight or Flight mode.
Seeking constant reassurance	Trying to verify a reality that was constantly denied (Gaslighting).

Pandora's Box

But wait, there's more. After all these evils were released into us, one little helper fairy called crawled out. Her name is "Woke." We have been awakened from the drug of gaslighting. We are now aware of the evils. We recognize them as the insidious poisons they are. And once seen, we can never unsee again.

Childhood Trauma gaslighting to beware of: How to recognize invalidation

2026-04-27T09:32:38.056-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal, and help you heal, childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to expose gaslighting things people I call blind guides, say. I'm going to show you how to recognize invalidation openers in the first few words they say. Because it's not just narcissistic parents that cause us pain. We are re-traumatized every time someone pooh-poohs our experiences or toxically defends our parents' abuse. This gaslighting (denying our reality) can occur when we are children in the throes of abuse right up to our now, decades later. Here's how to know blind guides by what they say.

Societal amnesia denied narcissistic parent abuse

This might have been the earliest gaslighting we childhood trauma survivors experienced. It was a collective blindness or societal amnesia that seemed not to see or ignore our parents' abusive, neglectful, endangering, abandonment, parentification, exploitation and dehumanizing invalidation. Family, church, school, social groups all turned a blind eye to the red flags we were putting out. The signs were there: flinch and fawn trauma responses, inappropriate shoes, ragged clothing, unkempt hair, tired or sick all the time, abnormal for everyone but us. I could see abuse in other children AS A CHILD. That's were the empath began. I just couldn't see it in me.

        "There's someone in my head but it's not me. 

        And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear. 

        You shout and no one seems to hear."
    
        — Pink Floyd, Brain Damage

The Teflon clad Narcissist

Many times the "flying monkeys" don't just turn a blind eye. They close ranks around the narcissistic parents behavior. They shelter it behind bulletproof glass. They bubble wrap it to protect themselves from the narcissistic parents' rage. This gaslights their child that their parents are invincible so why bother to say anything. Excuses will always be made.

She loves you, she just doesn't know how to show it.
You have to understand...
Oh, c'mon it isn't that bad.
You're just too sensitive. (compared to an insensitive, highly oversensitive narcissist)
You have to forgive, because family...(trans. the victim must to all the work, again).
Let bygones be bygones. Except the narcissist never lets anything go!

Shady Double indemnity

Sometimes the blind guides go beyond just defending the narcissist. They alibi each other to indemnify themselves from exposure. My parents divorced and married other narcissists. They would stand by the other parents' abuse, neglect and exploitation to shield their own mistreatment of me. One night I fell out of bed and broke my cheekbone. My irresponsible mother just sent me to school with a goose egg on my face, where I was sent home to have it x-rayed (very often strangers care more about neglected kids than their parents do). She never did take me to a doctor and then my dad, weeks later, finally came around and thought it should be examined. He worked in a hospital but took me in the "back door" to have a friend take the x-ray. My husband identified this as secondhand neglect and him covering for his own failed duty of care. He knew a doctor would say, as even the x-ray tech said "why wasn't this looked at immediately?" Exposing my mom would expose him.

The silence of the sisterhood

I've taken parallels to the movie "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" before. When Sidda Lee writes her play, she inadvertently exposes the dysfunctional family dynamic to the world. What was meant as a coming of age in rural Louisiana, the reporter sees as Vivi and Shep being

"the tap-dancing child abuser of a mother and an absent emotionally distant father."

Sometimes outsiders see more clearly than we see ourselves. Sidda may have subconsciously been wanting it seen. Her play opened a can of childhood trauma worms. This may have been her banging on the door of collective amnesia. And then blind guides who say things like

You don't know the full story. (as if that will "explain away" abuse)
Times were different then. (but abuse was still abuse)
I don't remember much. (because you were drunk, high, or didn't care)
It's how we did things then (knowing that they were neglecting their own kids too)

"We're not blaming them for letting it happen, we're blaming them for pretending it never happened."

Song of Sidda Lee

And then she calls out her mother Vivi for the narcissistic mother she is, regardless of her own traumas. Sidda is addressing what all childhood trauma survivors wish they could say to and of the narcissistic parent.

"I'm sick of this whole center of the universe, holier than thou, nothing is ever enough. Oh how I've suffered, nobody understands me. Somebody fix me a drink and hand me a Nembutol, worn out Scarlett O'Hara... thang!"

We get our parents suffered but that was no excuse for taking it out on us. And perpetuating it the cycle. But that's what narcissistic parents do. They DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) on their kids! And Sidda proves to the Ya-Ya Sisterhood their own complacent complicity, when she says

"She should have just stayed gone. But then y'all dragged her ass back here again and all she did was drink until we all went away! I mean Y'all should know, since you were the ones mixing the drinks!

The sweet southern DARVO

Once all is revealed about Vivi's backstory, the Ya Yas still make it all about the narcissistic mother. DARVO strikes again. Deny, attack, reverse victim offender. The priest gave her the Milltown, that why she was abusive and locked up in an institution. Shep was to blame, the war, her parents, everyone but herself.

But she was always endangering them, making Sidda take care for the little kids when they were sick. Driving off in the night with the kids, drunk off her butt. Deserting them for a lost weekend in a hotel. We're supposed to feel so sorry for the poor put-upon parent. What mother wouldn't run off with all that burden. Except she WASN'T burdened. She couldn't even feed the kids sober. Vivi was always so far up herself that he kids came a distant second. She resented her kids. And there reveals the narcissist. She very probably would have been like that if her childhood was perfect. I know because my parents, by their own admission, were cared for and loved.

Those passive-aggressive enablers

And let's not forget the enabler dad Shep, who the reporter accurately calls out as absent, abandoning, ignoring. Where was he when the kids were ill? "Hidden out in a duck blind clutching a bottle of Maker's Mark." Watching "helplessly, as his kids being abused. Feeling sorry for himself. And making his kids feel sorry for him too, as if HE is the abused one. That's secondhand abuse. But yet he's called the patient saint with his kindly hand-patting "bebe" schtick. Well, enabler men are more often seen as a figure of pathos than a co-participant in the abuse. We fail to see their feet of clay. Sidda is talking to them all when she blasts out:

"You all may have your little Ya-Ya scars, but that was nothing to what she did to me!"

"It wasn't so much what this 'collective blindness' toward abuse said, but what it DID NOT say. To a child, that silence isn't neutral; it is permission and social approval." --Marilisa

"La, la, la we don't want to hear you"

But they weren't clueless or helpless, so I guess amnesia's the wrong word. Blind guides chose not to see. I was brain damaged or they were. We didn't act like normal kids. It was obvious to all that our lives were so different than kids around us. Yet no one said anything. This group gaslighting convinced me that although no one else experienced, it was okay for me to. If anyone did address it, it was in shaming, diminishing sorts of ways.

Your mom has always been difficult (and this helps a child how?)
"She's hurtin' too, bebe." (she sure is hurtin' me!)
Your dad just hasn't grown up yet (!?) (making excuses, blame-shifting)
They mean well, they're just immature. (weaponized incompetence)
They're doing their best. (invalidation and gaslighting)
Every family has difficulties. (whitewashing abuse)
Hurt people hurt people. (No they don't. Narcissists hurt people.)
We didn't know better. (sad Pikachu face)
Rise above (as in get over it.)
Two wrong don't make a right. (the gaslighting in this is so rife it's getting its own section.)

"If telling what happened is bad,
what happened must be pretty bad." --Marilisa

Twisted double back gaslighting

Where blind guides really shine is when they weaponize aphorisms that apply to the perpetrator AGAINST the victim. "Two wrongs don't make a right" means that even if the narcissistic parent was abused, this is no excuse to abuse his own children. But they deviously flip it back on the child, to make it look like her "going no contact" or calling out the abuse is wronging the parent. That it is somehow "seeking vengeance." Wrong. It's the narcissist's spiteful, vengeful, malice we are calling out. We went no contact because she cut ties and responsibilities to us as children.

Rewrite the lyrics

Here's the B-side to our narcissistic parents' groove-worn song and dance. Here are some new songs to play.

Hear the gaslighting broken record. Hear the excuses, the DARVO, the flipped scripts for what they are.
Change the record. Instead of letting our narcissistic parents and their blind guides spin the tunes, let's pick a new one. Let's begin, like Sidda, calling abuse what it is.
Be the change. Sadly, our parents didn't give us what we needed. So we must give it to ourselves. We need permission to be angry and grieve our childhoods.

Blanket training is baby gaslighting: How narcissistic bully parents Ferberize and groom babies to expect abuse

2026-04-24T10:57:57.205-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in our quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring some abusive practices we don't talk enough about. I'm going to show how they create the very trauma that we spend the rest of our lives struggling with. I'm talking about blanket training, Ferberizing, "cry it out", locking children in rooms, and other need or want shaming techniques. These punishments are baby gaslighting and grooming and they have disastrous affects.

Need shaming techniques

The Origins: To Train Up a Child

The modern concept of blanket training was popularized by Michael and Debi Pearl in their 1994 book, To Train Up a Child.

The Method: The Pearls instructed parents to place an infant (as young as six months) on a blanket with a few toys. If the child attempted to move off the blanket, the parent was told to "train" them back using a "rod"—typically a flexible ruler or a plastic plumbing tube—to strike the child.
The Goal: The explicitly stated goal was to achieve "instant, unquestioning obedience" and to "break the child's will" before they were old enough to reason.
Expansion: The method was further amplified through the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP), an organization that heavily influenced large homeschooling families like Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of "19 Kids and Counting" reality TV fame.

Historical Precedents

While the Pearls "branded" the term in the 90s, the logic behind it draws from two earlier historical shifts:

The 19th-Century Industrial Model: In the mid-1800s, as mothers began working in factories, parenting manuals (like those by Dr. Luther Emmett Holt) began emphasizing strict schedules and "crying it out". The idea was to make babies "convenient" for a working adult's schedule.
Anti-Coddling Movement (1920s): Behaviorists like John Watson argued that parents should treat children like young adults—avoiding hugging or kissing—to prevent them from becoming "weak" or "spoiled." Blanket training is a modern, more extreme evolution of this "anti-coddling" philosophy.

Ferberizing (The "Check and Console" Method)

While "blanket training" is about physical confinement during the day, Ferberizing is a popular behavioral sleep training technique focused on the night. It was developed by Dr. Richard Ferber, founder of the Pediatric Sleep Disorders Center at Children's Hospital Boston.

The Method: Often called "graduated extinction," this involves putting a baby to bed while they are still awake and leaving the room. If the baby cries, the parent waits for a specific, increasing interval of time (e.g., 5 minutes, then 10, then 15) before returning to the room to provide brief comfort without picking the baby up.
The Intent: The goal is to teach the child "self-soothing"—the ability to fall asleep and return to sleep without parental intervention.
The Controversy: Critics, particularly those in the attachment parenting and trauma-informed communities, argue that infants do not actually "self-soothe" (a complex neurological skill). Instead, they may experience "learned helplessness." From a trauma perspective, the baby stops crying not because they are calm, but because they have learned that their distress signals will not be answered—a core component of the "baby gaslighting."

Baby gaslighting

As a parent and grandparent, (I'm Omi, grandma, in Dutch) these practices are abhorrent to me. But it took me till Omi-hood to get why they were wrong for ME. That's how the childhood trauma brain processes parent cruelty, as "good enough for who it's for." And THAT is how it starts, by deceiving kids into thinking normal needs are shameful, evil, selfish. It is completely anathema to God's commands to love children.

Triggering but also eye-opening

And my dear ones, this is so triggering. I'm writing this with my jaws clamped firmly shut to keep the rage I have for these in check. Like I've said before, words don't fail me, but nice ones do. And part of that anger is aimed at how insidious these sadistic ideas are. They have leaked into mainstream parent wisdom like poison in the river. I realize that I have done versions of them, believing I was obeying some God mandated thing.

The sick, twisted legacy

I confess to spanking my first three children as part of what I believed to be God's will. I was also under the influence of my narcissistically abusive parents who spanked and slapped me. The difference is, that at least, I made it clear to my kids why I spanked them. Whereas I never knew why I was getting hit. And it was made more complicated by my parents and stepparents who TOLD me I should spank my kids and THEN told my children it was wrong and THEN lied and said they never hit me. I never spanked because "it was good enough for me so it's good enough for you." I spanked because my parents said I was disobeying God if I didn't. I'm not justifying why I did it. Just showing the horrible legacy of gaslighting.

"Train up a child" trauma informed explanation

The Bible says "train up a child in the way that he should go and he won't depart from it." What is implied is "train up a child in ANY WAY and she won't depart from it." Lead a child astray and she'll follow trustingly because you are her parent. Put a millstone around her neck and she'll jump over the cliff because daddy told her to. Make yourself a god to her, deceive, betray, enslave, invalidate, gaslight, abuse, neglect, exploit, parentify, endanger, abandon her and she'll spend the rest of her life defending you and trying to figure out what SHE did wrong. We are well and truly groomed, gaslighted and Ferberized to comply.

Spare the rod, spoil the child, no seriously

I'm wondering if maybe God was saying, "no I really mean, spare the rod. I don't want you hitting animals let alone kids." It certainly fits more with this image of a loving God. Is the flip-flopping (hit, tell your kid to hit her kids, shame her for doing so, lie and say you didn't) just more narcissist gaslighting? Sure sounds like DARVO to me: deny reality, attack the victim, reverse victim offender roles). They sure as hell (pun intended) acted lik "mercy is for me while the hellfire and brimstone is for thee." That certainly would fit their hypocritical, self-righteous double standards. But it's all wrong, says God. Children need love, hugs, tickles and giggles.

Why else have kids if not to love them?

Why have your "19 Kids and Counting" if you just plan to subjugate them? Even in the "old days" when people had big families, supposedly to "run the farm" or whatever. If you had fewer kids, you'd have fewer mouths to feed. Do the math. Children are supposed to bring joy by who they are not what they provide. Mmmhmm, there it is. Narcissistic parents believe a lot of hogwash.

They own their kids. (they don't)
It's the child's job to do provide narcissistic supply for them. (it's not)
They owe nothing, the kid owes everything. (wrong, wrong)
The narcissist thinks it's all about them. But it's not. That's just narcissistic fantasy

Creepy, destabilizing narcissistic parent abuse we don't discuss enough

2026-04-23T18:12:05.594-07:00

Hello my friends. In my path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse I'm going to explore creepy, destabilizing narcissistic parent abuse we don't discuss enough. I so appreciate the YouTube vloggers like Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan and Danish Bashir who aren't afraid to call this abuse what it is.

Parent enmeshment

An enmeshed parent is one who crashes boundaries and blurs the lines of demarcation between herself and her child. Pretty much all narcissistic parents are also enmeshed in their kids. Here are some things an enmeshed parent does and is

possessive
sees the child as extension of herself, like an arm
adopts awkward, fake childish personas with her actual child, says she's

one of the gang
more like sister than parent
"just a big kid"
never grown up (boy how true that is!)

thinks child should include her in everything
humiliates child (my mom told everyone when I began growing pubic hair)
bitterly jealous of anyone else
clingy, needy
emotional vampire
attention-seeking
pity party thrower
uses child as therapist, partner
drama mama
has few friends

"An enmeshed narcissistic parent is the OG 'smother mother.'"

Controlling, Haughty and Intrusive

This is the arrogant, entitled, remorseless part of the enmeshed narcissistic parent

sees child as property
thinks he has proprietary rights over child
thinks she has buy in or veto power
butts into private conversations
bossy
boundary crashing (my dad used to come right into the bathroom when I was using it)
controls things she has no right to (think Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar)
gives unsolicited advice
thinks she knows everything
feels entitled to a say on things that aren't her business
expects to be consulted
hijacks autonomy

Infantilizes, parentifies and spousifies

fakely overprotective in public, neglectful in private
hovers, keeps too close tabs on child
leverages normal things like basic care to guilt child
treats child more like partner than his own partner
gaslights child that he's too feeble to think for himself
won't let child do things other kids do
says it's for his own good when its for hers
has inappropriate age relationships
flirts with child, wants to "cuddle" teen
exclusive with (golden) or excludes (scapegoat)

Underhanded and devious

This is the manifestation of the sneaky deceit, greed plus control freak of enmeshed narcissists

snoops, is nosy
goes through child's possessions ( I caught my mother rifling through my purse).
finds reasons to enter child's room without permission
eavesdrops
interrogates
monitors phone
puts tracker on kids
trespasses on privacy (my mother barged into my husband's and my bedroom one morning)
neurotic and paranoid
often steals from child
lies to and about child

Generally weird behavior of narcissist parents

whispers, talks behind hand to child in front of others
makes child keep secrets
tells child's secrets
makes holy day obligation about her birthday
makes herself center of attention at child's birthday
pouts and sulks
gossips, starts and spreads rumors
loudly interrupts in gatherings
embarrasses child at special events for attention
calls attention to herself in odd ways
talks about private parts
has inordinate obsession with being "mother" as if she's the only one
dominates at gatherings
must be soothed, humored and also admired

Expanded examples of creepy behavior

The "Shadow" Presence: They follow the child around the room, standing just a bit too close, effectively preventing any private or independent conversation with other guests.
The "Upstaging Reset": If the attention shifts to someone else’s achievement, they suddenly have a physical ailment or a "crisis" that requires everyone to stop and tend to them. They start a fight or cry loudly.
The "Revival preacher" move: My mother is known for shouting "AMEN!" or "HALLELUJAH" at sedate church gatherings, family events and even funerals! While she frames it as religious fervor, it’s a calculated disruption that makes her appear "holier" than everyone else while centering the room's attention on her.
Inappropriate "Over-Sharing": They bring up deeply personal or embarrassing childhood stories as a way to "re-infantilize" you in front of your peers or spouse. She says "it's okay, I'm your mother." (it's not).
The Seductive attention grab: My mom describes her inappropriate intimate details and genital ailments at every family gathering, especially to men. It serves to anger her husband, embarrass her son-in-law and grandkids and make me feel foolish. This is triangulation (pitting people against each other) and emotional grooming, weaponizing private things for shock value, so everyone's kept off balance.
The "Micro-Manager" Guest: Even if it’s not their home, they start directing traffic, telling people where to sit, or critiquing the host’s food to establish themselves as the "authority" in the room. My mother-in-law would make rude comments about my cooking, my weight or my hair. She would make her son "choose" between desserts I'd made and she'd made to prove his loyalty.
The "Costume Clown Control": My mother wears what are obviously nightgowns in public, to her great-granddaughter's baptism, to church and extended family events. Other narcissistic parents have worn wedding dresses to their kids' weddings. This gets narcissistic supply in several ways.
- The "Main Character" Syndrome: By wearing a nightgown, she ensures that the conversation focuses on her not the event or the child. If she can't be the hottest, she'll be the most pathetic.
- Weaponized Incompetence: If called out, she can crybully and play the "vulnerable" card or act like she’s being bullied for her style, when in reality, it’s passive-aggressive and calculated move to keep everyone on edge.
- Social Sabotage: It creates a sense of "second-hand embarrassment" for the family, who is made to feel somehow responsible, which is a powerful way for a narcissist to maintain control over you.

Ready to dive deeper? If these examples resonated with you, I highly recommend checking out these experts who specialize in narcissistic enmeshment and recovery:

- Dr. Ramani Durvasula: The gold standard for understanding narcissistic personality types.
- Patrick Teahan, LICSW: Incredible for seeing "role-play" examples of how to set boundaries with toxic parents.
- Jerry Wise Relationship Systems: Deep dives into family systems and how to "self-differentiate" from an enmeshed family.
- Danish Bashir: Offers very practical, direct advice on the "no contact" or "low contact" journey.
Note: This post is based on personal experience and research into narcissistic dynamics. I am a writer and educator, not a licensed therapist. If you are in a crisis or need professional guidance, please reach out to a mental health professional.

Worst part for women with childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse

2026-04-23T11:51:50.933-07:00

Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm reflecting on a post by YouTube trauma recovery specialist Jerry Wise. He just spoke right to my heart, addressing the unique challenges for women who suffered at the hands of narcissistic parents. I'm living that struggle and here are some of the most difficult parts of healing.

Society normalizes subjugation and domestication of girls like pack animals

As kids, us daughters of narcissistic parents, who are now in our 50s, 60s and up, got the lion's share of the trauma. Everywhere, the world was oriented toward subjugating women in the caregiver, nurturer, doer, servant role. Many of us were parenting our parents and their other children when we were kids ourselves. This parentification left of with gaping holes in our self-care skills and far too much FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that was never ours. But no one called it abuse. It was just what a good girl did. And then if you, like me had narcissistic parents who divorced and married other narcissists (funny how like attracts like), you were inundated with demands.

Chore differential in boys and girls

I was doing adult heavy housework before puberty. I used to think I just had a lot of chores. Now I see that I did all the chores while my parents and stepparents laid around. Literally. I did everything my stepmother didn't want to do, which was everything. I was supporting my mom's new family. And I raised their kids while doing it, including co-sleeping with their babies and getting up at night with them. On top of schoolwork. And none of the kids did anything. Even in normal homes, girls were the ones who set the table, prepared and served meals, cleared the table, did the dishes, swept and tidied up. While the son took out one measly bag of trash. I did all that plus I ironed, folded clothes, washed windows, mopped the floor on my hands and knees, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, made lunches for everyone, hung the clothes on the line (in winter, I had to scale snowbanks), put the clothes away, changed diapers, babysat for free. While my dad's sons mowed the lawn badly once in awhile. And took turns with that one task.

Girls had to juggle it all

On top of all those chores, I kept up with my schoolwork while my brothers slacked off. Sometimes I'd be up till 10 finishing homework because I had so many other duties and those had to come first. I started in right after school and was still finishing up when everyone was parked in front of the TV. Then I was back up at 5. I why it was so crucial I mop twice a week. My parents never cleaned. And they didn't provide resources that they'd surely have had if it was them doing it. And girls did better in school than boys despite being considered only fit for caregiving jobs. Because boys had the luxury of refusing to do homework, whining how boring it was, being the class ass, while girls had to be good do-bees, knuckle under and smile benevolently at those rascally boys.

Boys will be boys but girls must be women

Bad behavior was expected of men, because "boys will be boys." But we girls had to be mature, functional adults when we were only kids. We had to be demur, "ladylike" polite, mannerly, sedate, quiet, small, biddable, obedient, respectful. Boys could be and were rude, noisy, rowdy, trouble-makers, hell-raisers, delinquents, dropouts. While girls must get a good education they could never use. They must let boys get aways with murder while parents smiled fondly. We carried the can and did all the heavy lifting so they could do as they wanted.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help

I am very empathetic, too empathetic and yes, that's a thing. You can care too much about others and not enough about yourself. And I wouldn't be so obsessively empathetic if I hadn't be indoctrinated to. I was expected to endure teasing, ridicule, sexual harassment, public humiliation, attacks, ambushes, being pilloried, all with patient saintly smile. By narcissistic adults who acted like spoiled brats. I was expected to nurture like some kind of mother goddess when I was just a child. My siblings used and abused their elders and I cleaned up after them. I did their work for them.

Careers and hobbies were separate and unequal

Even the jobs we were pushed into were the menial chore type that boys considered beneath them. We were the assistants, secretaries, nurses, waitresses, babysitters. We carried the mental load so they could hang out and drink beer. They grilled the burgers while we prepared, served, organized and cleaned up everything else. And kept the children occupied too. Men still do the easy once a week yard work while we carry all the daily. Boys made models, we did simulated chores and played baby dolls.

Not exaggerating but wish I was

I wish this was just me being oversensitive, like my dad said I was. Truth is, life for me and many girls I knew, was all this and worse. I knew of several girls who purposely got pregnant just to get out of the house and have their own baby to take care of instead of having to take care of everyone else's. We should have been the ones BEING taken care of as kids. Instead our childhood's were hijacked. We were coerced into adult roles before we even got our periods.

Thank you to the men who get it

I am not saying boys didn't have their own struggles. I know, I'm a mom of sons. But when I was young, it was very out of balance. And I so appreciate Jerry Wise getting articulating this. My husband and sons get it too. But sadly, all too often you hear from proponents of a certain political party in red hats that we're just "playing the woman card." Or that we're crybullies. That feminism is some kind of disease. There wouldn't be feminists if we'd been treated fairly. And buddy, you have clue about how unfair it was. You were the one screwing around throwing spitballs in class while I was trying to stay awake and pay attention. You were the one watching cartoons while I did the housework. You were the one heckling me for being "straight-laced." You had no idea what my life was like. So don't play that Trump card with me.

And the worst part was that it was all just normal and expected. It took me till 61 to see that it was abuse.

Boundary setting is risky for children of abusive narcissistic parents

2026-04-23T08:00:55.562-07:00

Hello my friends. Today I'm taking a "part two" look at why advice to set boundaries doesn't work with narcissists. I'm exploring how it's actually risky, especially for children of abusive narcissistic parents. And maybe even everyone. I'll explore how boundary setting is a flawed, contradiction in terms.

Boundary setting advice is trite and pointless

So you're in therapy and you tell some outrageous behavior your parent did. And what's the first thing she pops out with? "You need to set boundaries." (often said in a smarmy "duh" way). They often say this in such a way that assumes you are failing to set boundaries. So victim shaming. And they also say it like you know how to do it, you're just choosing not to. But they don't even know what boundaries look like with normal people, let alone with narcissists or (heaven help us) narcissistic parents.

What does boundary setting mean?

They can't tell you, these advice-givers. Because the definitions are vague at best. I kind of broke AI when I asked her to explain how to set boundaries with narcissistic parents. She kept looping back to base. She was not programmed to give details, just repeat cliches. And that's because real-life folks can't either.

Boundary setting is placeholder advice

It's what people say when they don't know what else to say but want to dispense advice. It's a mild form of toxic positivity. And also gaslighting because it denies the reality of boundary setting as complicated, situational, user-defined, fluid and very often downright impossible or counterintuitive.

Who sets and who observes the boundaries?

Here's where it gets really Star Trekkie. The idea is that you define for yourself what you will and won't put up with. Then you determine what you will do if you are forced to. Then you communicate it. You don't broadcast it. You just tell the affected parties. You don't tell others what to do only what you will do if they violate your boundaries. Which assumes they will because why else would you be telling them? In which case, plan on having to vigilantly patrol them solo. (exhausted yet, I am!)

Boundary setting is pointless

People who respect you don't need boundaries set around them and people who don't won't respect your boundaries any more than they respect you. For those who do, no explanation is needed, for those who need it, no explanation will do. Setting boundaries around invaders is an exercise in futility and an exhausting, frustrating waste of your bandwidth.

Note: "You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Do we really need to have this conversation?

So just as boundary setting defines explanation, it only works in theory. Narcissist DON'T respect you which is why you need to build fences to protect yourself in the first place. And furthermore, the stuff you're erecting boundaries around is just common sense stuff that should be observed in the first place. Do you really need to tell someone that you don't like it when they scream at you, that you won't tolerate it and if they do, you'll have to walk away?

Is boundary setting just issuing ultimatums?

Yeah, kind of. You wouldn't need to "set boundaries" if your space wasn't being invaded. You only build fences where someone trespasses. And so it's a bit ridiculous to say that you aren't trying to control someone else's behavior. The entire point of the exercise is to navigate around people and situations that are threatening us. I'm not saying it's wrong to, but let's be honest about why we are. Usually, a selfish, demanding narcissistic person is trampling our rights and we're trying to get them to stop. But then that leads to other problems for us.

Boundary setting puts all the work on you

So the narcissist treats you badly. He calls you at all hours and disturbs your sleep. But you can't make him stop. You can only control you. So you put up walls (boundaries) to protect yourself. You say "I won't answer calls after 9 pm. Which he ignore and keeps calling. So you keep amending your behavior in hopes of forcing a change in his. You build taller walls. You turn the phone off. But then you miss calls you need to get. And he still keeps trampling. And then finally you get tired and give in. You take his calls. And he gets what he wants and his behavior never changes. Because there's a secret flaw with boundaries that no one tells you.

Communicating boundaries spikes their guns

Setting terms of engagement with a narcissist is like a kitten making a peace treaty with a polar bear. You saying what you want or don't want just feeds them ammunition to hurt you with. Narcissists see transparency as weakness and boundaries as challenges. The thing you say you don't like is the thing they will go out of their way to do. Don't show your hand. It's not safe. Keep your boundaries if you set them, in your head. Don't warn them. Just do whatever it is you've pre-determined to do with no explanation. Don't JADE (justify, answer back, defend or explain).

Boundary setting hurts you more than them

Again, not saying we don't need to set them but let's be realistic about how boundaries impact us. We spend all our energy trying to outmaneuver the arrogant boundary crosser. We do all kinds of things to "stay safe" and avoid him. We change things about ourselves that we shouldn't. We give up things we want and need. We leave the house to work at the library which totally disrupts our day. We walk with the kids in the rain to the playground because he's making home a living hell. And our car is down and he won't pay to have it fixed. And we don't get it repaired because we don't want him to punish us through our children. Well sounds to me like what we were already doing for the narcissist and what caused us to have to set the damn boundaries in the first place! It's like the parent who grounds the child and then realizes she just effectively grounded herself.

And these are only the pitfalls of setting boundaries as an adult. Children have to inkling of how to set them around enmeshed narcissistic parent behavior. Or that they even should or could. We are programmed to only to serve their purposes. We function as possessions. It would never cross out minds to question their boundary crossing, no matter how egregious. Our boundaries would as useful as a paper hat in a nuclear war.

Why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors

2026-04-22T21:36:04.018-07:00

Hello my friends. Today I was listening to my girl, Dr. Ramani and she addressed the very thing I'd just been wrestling with in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors.

Boundary setting only works with respectful people

You don't have to tell respectful people to respect your space. So advice to set boundaries only works with people who don't need boundaries set with them. Boundaries with narcissists are about as useful as a parasol in a hurricane. And definitely pointless against narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parents crash boundaries all the time by enmeshing, invading privacy, demanding things they don't deserve, butting in where they don't belong, taking what's not theirs, not observing limits, usurping power, taking advantage, taking without giving, breaking promises, etc.

Boundary setting with narcissists is a logical fallacy

Telling someone to just set boundaries with a narcissist is a contradiction in terms. Narcissistic abuse is often the reason the victim needs to set them in the first place. And boundaries aren't things you can tell someone else to respect, certainly not someone who has been consistently ignoring your basic rights to start with. They are borders you place around yourself. But you are the one who has to protect them. And if the person you're setting them with won't observe them, it would be like building a fence of marshmallows around an angry bull.

Narcissists hold others in contempt

So they also hold your boundaries in contempt as well as your needs, wants, feelings, ideas and self. They are haughty, vain and hypocritical. You can see it in their sneering faces and hear it dripping form their snide, scoffing belittlement. There are two sets of rules for you and them. Narcissistic parents do the very things they punish you for. They invalidate you and mock your principles. They tear you down. So if you set boundaries, they would just dismiss you and laugh in your face. They would take your pretty parasol, smash it and throw the pieces at you.

Narcissists dictate terms or think they do

Especially narcissistic parents who believe everything their child does must pass the parent's rigorous judgment. The child must endure the parent's scathing criticism and vicious remarks which the parent himself would wither under. But the parent doesn't hold his own actions to account. And woe be to anyone who take HIM to task. So a narcissist will only respect boundaries he deems worthy and since he doesn't deem anyone but himself worthy, he tramples down everyone else.

Narcissists are crybullies

While insensitively disrespecting everyone else and riding herd over their turf, he is oversensitive around his own fragile ego. He is a crybully who treats people abominably then DARVOs (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) and makes himself out to be the poor, put upon victim. He targets the person he is bullying as bullying him. His narcissistic abuse is a endless vicious loop with someone else always at fault and him the injured party. It is exhausting simply to be in the same house with him, let alone trying to protect yourself.

Narcissists take boundaries as an insult

Narcissists think they control others. They demand a say in stuff that isn't their business. And enmeshed narcissistic parents take this nuclear. Because they view children as goods and chattel. They don't parent, they possess. The child must do and be whatever the parents says he must do or be with not thought of his own. So if the child, even in adulthood, says no to a narcissistic parent, the parent becomes enraged that his "property" has denied him his "rights." Narcissists tolerate limits being set about as well as they'd accept the car suddenly refusing to transport them.

Narcissists see your boundaries as a challenge

As well as being arrogant and entitled, narcissists are belligerent, antagonistic and disagreeable trouble-makers. They start problems where none exist. So not only are they unreasonably offended by other people's boundaries, they see them as hurdles to be overcome, fences to be jumped as it were. Whatever you put sanctions on will suddenly become the thing they must have. The thing you ask them not to do will be the very thing they do. Much better advice is give them no feedback to exploit.

Narcissists exploit your vulnerabilities

They pick at your raw spots until they bleed. They ping exposed nerves. They mock and jibe and say outrageously insulting and contemptuous things. They heckle you about things you are sensitive about. Then gaslight you that you are too sensitive. And it's actually not just things you personally would be sensitive about. Things that would bother anyone and CERTAINLY the narcissist if he was treated this way. They like to rile people and see them unsettled, especially their children. They provoke and provoke until you crack and then shame you for cracking.

Boundary setting is a contradiction

So the theory behind boundary setting is that you create this invisible wall to protect yourself. You say what you will and won't tolerate and then you enforce boundaries by doing whatever it is you said you will or won't do if the untolerated behavior occurs. Which is all kind of nebulous to start with. And certainly isn't simple and cut and dried. Because you can't tell them what to do, only what you will do if they do it. But the whole reason for setting boundaries is kind to control other people. Just the term "tolerate" implies intolerable action on someone else's part. But what you end up doing is, still, amending your own behavior to suit them. He goes on a rampage, you leave the house. He still calls the shots. And often you can't even do the thing you need to do to police these mythical boundaries. He's working on your car so you CAN'T leave. You have kids relying on you. What are you supposed to do? Walk everyone to the library in the pouring rain to avoid his rage, just so you can say you enforced your boundaries? (Been there, done that.)

"You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Explaining your boundaries will ensure they're violated

You tell the narcissist what your boundaries are and you can be sure he'll sabotage it. You just played right into his hand and fed him the information. And you made more work for yourself. You've put the time into laying out a plan and communicating it and now, after he's made damn sure you can't follow through, will scold you for not keeping your promise. With a narcissist, it's best NOT to show your hand. Just do whatever it is you need to.

Boundary setting with narcissists is counterproductive

Again, you aren't telling the person you set boundaries with, what to do. You're saying what you'll will do. Which as I explained above is often impossible. But let's take a simpler example: "I don't answer the phone after 8 pm." You're not telling them not to call, you're just sort of hinting that you won't answer. I say hinting because the reason you set the boundary was probably because they called too late. And instead of saying "quit calling" because God forbid we tell someone to knock it off, we have to find a way to sugarcoat it. Because remember, it's all about how you handle it, never what they do (said sarcastically, that's another piece of tommyrot advice). But it won't matter how backhandedly you say it, they won't respect it anyway. They will do exactly what you've wishy-washily hinted they not do just to make you break your own boundary. They will keep on calling till you answer the damn phone.

Boundary setting advice is victim shaming

And bloody patronizing advice at that. It suggests that none of the abuse and violations would occur if victim would just "stand up for herself" or "grow a pair." Which just contradicts the advice because you can't control what someone does. No matter how tall you stand. You cannot make someone stop hurting you. You can only hit them harder or stay out of their way. Setting boundaries they won't respect is just more nonsense homework for the victim and does nothing to address the aggressor.

Better advice to narcissistic abuse victims

Say nothing.
Don't give yourself away.
Stay cool.
Grey rock (this is only a temporary fix for bad situations. It won't make them stop and you can't stay a rock forever).
Don't share vulnerabilities.
Don't ask them to do or not to do something if it's important to you. They'll just do the opposite.
Don't tell them how you feel. They don't care and they've proved it. Healthy people don't need to be told something obviously hurtful is hurtful.
Find an outlet or hobby to help vent the frustration.

Narcissism behind momfluencer and Duggar parents

2026-04-22T19:41:45.827-07:00

Hello my friends. Today I'm working to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse by sharing what it's like to live with arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative people. I can't take you back in time, but I can give examples of narcissistic parents in the media who behave like mine did. Not actor portrayals, actual parents like some of the social media "momfluencers" and reality TV stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. It probably didn't take the "Shiny Happy People" docu for most people to see that the Duggars are very narcissistic, despite Michelle Duggar's famed modesty.

The celebrity narcissist parent cult

I'm not saying that every parent who has a YouTube channel or vlog is arrogant. But it's kind of hard to find examples who aren't. As well as social media "momfluencers" You could almost say it's a job description for celebrity parents. It comes with the territory. Just the term social media "influencer" or reality TV star screams vanity. You have to have pretty cast iron self-esteem to believe people should listen to or watch you. Or that you even say things worth hearing. I'm not talking here about specific niche parenting influencers My daughter is a lactation/postpartum consultant who specializes in nutrition for moms. I mean the ones who just riff about whatever they feel like and call it educational.

Narcissist parents exploit kids

You could say that simply putting your child online is child exploitation and you'll get no argument from me. You could say that anyone who shares their every family moment on social media is a narcissist. Still no argument. The fact that the Duggar family has forced their kids into a reality TV show proves their arrogance to me Narcissists exploit anything and anyone that gets them what they crave: pity, attention, status, narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic parents exploit their kids suffering

But then there's another level: the exploitative narcissistic parents who exploit their children's suffering for narcissistic supply. The Duggar family is now in it's second generation exploiting kids with Josh Duggar and Joe Duggar. They've put their families through hell that they will never live down, just like Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar put their children through hell that led them to these actions. And the older siblings (except maybe Jana Duggar) are milking the family drama to build their own celebrity status. The whole family makes sure to keep their irrelevant faces in the media.

Narcissistic parents monetize tragedy

I'm thinking of social media influencer Kelly Hopton-Jones who ran her child over and then monetized it in a social media post. What highlights the narcissism isn't the accident. It wasn't the fact that she is a self-styled "momfluencer" although the irony isn't lost. And a valid question has been asked whether she wasn't paying attention because she was posting at the time of the accident. The self-centeredness is shown by the fact that she leveraged of it for attention, pity and funds. The post she wrote was all about her. And the cherry on top was another momfluencer Emilie Kiser, whose child had drowned, chiming in with what she called sympathy. But what looked very much like turning the camera back on herself. So cashing in on a parent cashing in on her child's injury.

The "celebrity" addiction

I'm not talking about the addiction we have to following celebrities. I mean the outrageous things people will do to become "celebrities." Including harming your children. I'm not suggesting either Kelly Hopton-Jones or Emilie Kiser did anything intentional. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd never heard of either of them until their kids were hurt/killed. And I'm also not saying either of them weren't sad or vulnerable at the time they made the post about it. It's the timing. And the "me, me, me" ness of the post. Quite frankly, it reads like someone who's trying to convince themselves and us they feel guilty. It reads like she is more concerned about how she is perceived than what she actually did. And the subtle yet unmistakable gaslighting. Which is exactly how a narcissist parent operates.

The gaslighting DARVO tactic

The Duggars play this one to perfection! They DARVO (deny responsibility, accuse and attack, reverse victim and offender). It's the "liberal media's" fault their son molested children. With Hopton-Jones, the gaslighting DARVO is little harder to spot. And it may be a shock or trauma response. She keeps referring to her hitting her son as an accident/mistake. That's the gaslighty part. The fact is that neither parent was paying attention to the child or to the car warning system show and that she apparently didn't even look in the mirror, is more careless than mistake. She keeps saying how if only "things had gone differently." As if this was out of her control. She describes how she feels guilty but shouldn't. Well, that is sort of what you do. You are supposed to feel guilty. It reads more like self-defense than confession.

Vicious cycle of narcissistic parent abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares

2026-04-22T15:58:05.565-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma and CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm really struggling. I'm exhausted all the time. And I guess it's no wonder. 61years of narcissistic abuse memories live in my trauma brain and haunt my dreams at night. It occurs to me that there is a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares.

Why breaking the cycle is impossible

It's all well and fine to talk about simply breaking the cycle. But that's easier said than done as I "recycle" the trauma every night. Because childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving stress and taking peace of mind. And that stress originated with the chaotic dysfunction of narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parent embed trauma responses in their children from infancy, maybe even from the womb. It doesn't stop in sleep. Trauma nightmares keep replaying the abuse.

Trauma dreams repeat old and create new from it

My trauma brain has even "synthesized" new abusive situations to dream about. They replicate the old abuse patterns. They also generate version 2.0 trauma from these seemingly actual experiences. Say what you want about dreams not being real, they sure as hell feel that way. So I not only have trauma memories, I have trauma dream memories. And yep, it's all in my head, and I wish it weren't.

Ignore platitudes from blind guides

This cycle-breaking of which we hear preached by social media influencers, life coaches, even therapists, is all kind of nonsensical to childhood trauma sufferers. These blind guides obviously haven't suffered from narcissistic abuse or they'd know that such platitudinal advice doesn't work. I'd love to break free from of the memories and dreams, but they won't let ME GO! It would be easier to stop my cat meowing than to get them out of my head.

So I'm preaching a new way. I'm learning to befriend my dreams and see them as wise teachers. I guess I'm using the Bloom's Taxonomy HOTS (higher order thinking skills) I write about so often on my education blog. I'm working to

recognize the narcissistic abuse as memory not just dream
see and hear what my nightmares are trying to show me
analyze what I can learn from my dreams
use the nightmare content to process what was done to me
evaluate whether what I experienced was wrong based on what my dreams show
apply the lessons to my life now

Example of my trauma nightmares

Here's an example of how I'm doing that from a dream I had the other night. I dreamed I was trying to shovel my grandparents driveway. But I kept having to shovel other people's drive first. And then I had to rake their leaves because they were everywhere and I couldn't get to the ice below. Then I had to shovel the entire neighborhood, including streets. I had only a child-size rake and two small battered buckets to put all the leaves and snow in. When I finally got to grandparents' house, the street was walled in and ceilinged over with snow. Yet my grandparents' house was clear. I yelled in alarm for them to go inside where it was safe from all the snow. And when I looked around I saw that it was gone.

They were in the garage with my parents who were the ones forcing me to clear all the snow. They were also making my very elderly grandmother care for their children. I took the baby from grandma because he was too heavy for her. And they had moved a lot of junk into the garage which was making it hard for everyone to get around. My dad snapped at me "what are you doing in here! Get back to work!" When I said there was no snow, he said I needed to help gram with the children and clean the garage. There was a lot more going on (there always is in my dreams) but that's the gist.

What my dream teaches me

What my dream was trying to help me visualize was that narcissistic parent demands were like an endless mountain of snow to move. The fact that it disappeared shows their gaslighting lies about all tasks being my responsibility that didn't even exist. The dream shows that buried deep in my mind is the feeling of having to rescue my grandparents, siblings, etc. And that they were victims too. The broken rake shows that they didn't even give me the proper tools for the job.

All of this did happen. As a child, I had hours of housework, cooking and childcare heaped on me. I couldn't get my homework done on time or had to stay up late to do it. I was made to mop the floor on my hands and knees. And my narcissistic parents were always angry with me, and absolutely exploited my grandparents.

Can narcissists change? Why that's the wrong question to ask

2026-04-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! Today on my path toward healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm responding to a video by YouTube psychologist and narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani. She's always spot-on but this particular conversation was particularly so. She addressed criticism she received for "failing to admit" that narcissists can change. Which as anyone who has lived with narcissistic abuse knows is a moot point. They don't and won't change. And even in the remote unlikelihood that they do, we're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong end of things.

Some Reasons narcissists won't and don't change

There is no incentive. It's working too well for them the way things are.
They are entrenched and comfortable.
Narcissism is self-fulfilling and its own reward.
Narcissists are remorseless. So they will not be sorry.
Narcissists can't change because they're in too deep and it controls them. Tail wags dog.
They lie. (they will say they have when they haven't)
Narcissists manipulate. (they will manipulate change)
Narcissists are attention seeking. ("changing" will get attention)
Narcissists seek narcissistic supply. And changing to a nicer person won't get that.
Narcissists are arrogant. They don't think they need to change.
Narcissists suck up all the oxygen like a tornado. They fuel themselves. And they get to the point where they can't stop.

And beyond these facts, we must factor in the cost of any change to the victim.

What victims of narcissistic abuse should consider about any reformation

It doesn't change the damage they've done.
Any change will still be all about them. The fact that we're having this conversation proves it.
Any "change" will be conditional (so not change).
They will still call the shots.(They will dictate how and what they change)
There will be obligations placed on you. (reconciliation, forgiveness, keep trying, remain stuck)
You'll still be expected to respond in scripted ways.
It will be performative (fake)
It will be done for narcissistic supply because they are addicts and their whole lives have been about supply.
It may be leveraged by therapist or clergy to show off their "trophy client."
It will make things worse for you (now they're the "brave" survivor narcissist).
They'll be praised and you'll still be shamed. (Look at all the "change" he 's made. How can you still be angry?)
It will become influencer currency. He will wear change like a badge of courage.
It will be fake, wolf in sheep's clothing.

Things narcissists will say that prove their change is fake or agenda-based.

You will notice in these things they say how they spin themselves as the good guy and you as the bad, as it always has been. I've included things to say or questions to ask in return. I favor asking a return question like Socrates did.

Socratic Dialog Method

Definition: When confronted with undermining questions or accusations, answer questions with a question. Turn the microscope back on them.

I need to tell you (whatever revelation they've had) They won't care how it makes you feel or if you even want to hear it. They just said the operative phrase: "I need to." It's about them, not you. (Well, I don't want or need to hear it).
You need to listen to my side. ( That's all I've ever heard and that's the problem.)
I don't care if you don't want to hear my side. (And still you ask why I'm keeping you at arm's length?).
You won't believe me. (You don't read my mind. You're just trying to put me on the defensive and I'm not going to allow you to. But for argument, if I didn't believe you, why is that?)
You never take my part. (In what? In supporting your abuse of me? Hmm, no I don't.)
I'm ready to make peace. (Goody gumdrops for you. I'm not. I may be never be. Don't call us, we'll call you.)
How can I make peace if you won't let me? (Why should I? How is making peace my responsibility? Explain to me how I am "preventing" you from "making peace." How do you define peace?)
How can I prove to you that I've changed? (with actions not words)
You said this is what you wanted. (did I? I don't recall it that way).
You need to (fill in the blank) (Run, don't walk, away from this one. There is nothing I need to do in response to your abuse or your supposed change.)
I've changed (yay me) (So? Prove it. But don't expect me to wait around for you to do so.)
You have to let me explain, listen to me, hear me out. (No I don't.)
You owe me a chance to prove I've changed. (you lost me at "you owe me." No I don't. I owe myself a better life.)

It's time to focus on the victim, not the perpetrator

The narcissist has no power to dictate terms but they sure gaslight you into thinking they do. But when you start seeing the gaslighting for what it is, you realize a few things. Even if the narcissist, by some miracle, manages to not be a jerk for once. Even if they turn over a new leaf and start being their shiny new selves, and? Who cares? They'll have to find some other sucker to con. Because it won't be me. I've wasted enough of my life trying to fill their black hole selves. Now I'm living MY best new life free out of their clutches.

It's about me now, not them.
I've changed and moved out of their path of destruction.
I owe them nothing.

And I've started asking the correct questions. Instead of wasting time idly speculating whether they can change, here are more productive questions.

To people who insist change is possible, ask

Why is it so important to prove that change is possible?
What do you get out of it?
What are you trying to prove?
Why are you shilling for the narcissist?
Why do you care?
Have you or are you being hurt by narcissistic abuse?
Where were you when I was being hurt by them?
Why are you victim shaming and perpetrator supporting?

Of the "reformed" narcissist I ask myself

Why did it take them so long to "get it?"
What do they expect of me in return?
How do I define the problem?
Why am I letting them minimize abuse into a disagreement between us?

Change roles for a clearer view

Imagine yourself as the narcissist and the narcissist as yourself, the victim. If I had been narcissistically abusing someone, and I finally woke up to that fact, I would be so ashamed. But I would also so humbled that I would not dare address them for fear of doing more harm. I would make it about them. I would ask and say

What do you need? (space, a life away from me)
Is there anything I can do to help you?
You had no part in this. It was me and I'm sorry.
I want what's best for you.
I will prove I've changed and here's how. And then I would proceed to do just that. Every single hour of every day that I was lucky enough to still have them in my life. And if they left, I'd still actively change.

But pigs will fly before the narcissist does that. He would have to stop being a narcissist to actually change—and by then, you’ll be far too busy enjoying your freedom to notice.

Healing childhood trauma by giving narcissistic rage back to its owner (or not taking it the first place)

2026-04-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. Last night while delivering groceries I had an aha moment on healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. I realized that I had been accepting narcissistic rage and all rage, really, as belonging to me. Healing comes from returning rage back to its rightful owner or, better still, not accepting it in the first place.

Narcissistic rage vs. normal rage

Narcissistic Rage goes from noun to very active verb.

I know that sounds like bad poison vs. good, LOL. And it kind of is and isn't. No rage is healthy. It stems from unresolved trauma, a silenced voice and trapped emotions. The difference lies in two things:

Where the rage originates. Narcissistic rage starts with a narcissistic injury. As the term implies, it's rage felt by a person with narcissistic tendencies--arrogance, attention-seeking, jealousy, manipulation, entitlement and remorselessness--or full-blown NPD. But don't be confused by the term "injury." This is a perceived slight, insult or threat, a blow to their puffed up ego. It makes them feel vulnerable and they hate that. Usually it's a random, normal thing the narcissist personalizes and exaggerates.
How rage is expressed. Normal people experience insult, get annoyed, maybe chew on it a bit or confront and move on. Narcissists go H-bomb. They explode, tantrum, pout, stew and plot revenge. Whether passive-aggressive or aggressive, it's no less venomous. Often nothing actually happened. But their pride convinces them they've been wronged. And they always blame and punish someone other than themselves.

"Regular rage goes inward. Narcissistic rage takes hostages."

The narcissistic DARVO game

When a narcissist feels "injured" their immediate response is control the narrative with DARVO (aka blame-shifting). DARVO means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. And the narcissist plays it masterfully. He demands good things that aren't his (credit, respect, affirmation) and denies ownership of bad things that he IS responsible for. Like his vicious rage. That he deflects onto his victim by reversing victim-offender roles. He skews reality so that the actual victim feels responsible and takes ownership of what is his. And then, the way the narcissist's rage plays out, seems to confirm him right. Normal rage rights itself with frank discussion, apology and resolution. While narcissistic rage shatters everything it touches.

"Narcissistic rage keeps the blame nozzle steadily pointed outward. So all the acid sprays out and away from the narcissist."

The narcissistic rage cycle

Narcissistic rage is so different from healthy anger that I think it deserves its own entity. And since the origins and expression are so different, the cycle is too. Normal anger gets processed in safe ways. That's what I meant by righting itself. Even those of us with unhealthy unresolved trauma "rage" tend to hurt ourselves more than others. Either we don't recognize it or blame ourselves for feeling angry. Because we can't express it, it toxifies and corrodes us. It's like a silent storm in a teacup with all the emotions bottled up. Narcissistic rage spews toxins on everyone else while the narcissist stays bulletproof in his asbestos suit of wounded self-righteous superiority. He gets all the perks: adrenaline rush, narcissistic supply hit, spleens vented, calm in his assured dominance. And leaves us, the target in flames. And then they tell us to quit being so dramatic (!)

Narcissists weaponize childhood trauma

Those of us who have been targets or scapegoats of narcissists, particularly children of narcissistic parents, know this cycle. We know the part we've been cast in all too well. And the narcissist KNOWS we know it and weaponizes our childhood trauma responses against us. We continue as victims (targets, scapegoats) with new perpetrators. When the narcissist blame-shifts, we shift. When he places ownership for his anger on us, we accept it.

How anger changes hands

"Narcissists drop off their anger at your feet like a "hot potato", then sit back and wait for you to claim it."

I had such clear vision of this anger transference, while driving, that I actually yelled "Eureka!" You know how when someone is clearly furious and instead of just admitting it, they stand there all sullen and fuming? Then when you ask what's wrong, they blast out with something YOU did as if that explains and justifies everything. Or maybe they just immediately launch into their diatribe. What they are saying is "I'm not angry AND you are at fault." I know, it's a paradox. It goes beyond blaming to projecting it ALL onto you. What you both don't realize is that it's ALL theirs, not yours.

The Lawn Chair Lesson

Here's an example of anger transference that happened to me in a parking lot. And it shows how ludicrous it is. I was walking out of the store. A woman was waving her arms and shouting. I didn't know who at or what about. I thought maybe she needed help so I said "I'm sorry, what did you say?' She literally screamed, no screeched "WHERE ARE THE G-D (something or other)???" As if she'd asked me a dozen times and I'd ignored her. No, scratch that. There would never be a reason for that much vitriol.

I said, "sorry, still didn't hear you." That was my first mistake, giving airspace to anger. And she yelled "just FORGET it!" Second mistake. Should have said "okay." But the old fawn trauma response kicked in and I said "wait, what did you need?" "GARDEN CHAIRS LIKE I SAID 10 TIMES!" I said, "oh, not sure, I don't work here." To which she snapped "BUT YOU SHOP HERE!!" As if this was some kind of gotcha. So she didn't know where stuff was but knew I did? I just said, "whatever." and walked on. She kept haranguing me. I just shrugged and said "I tried to help you but now I'm done." And left her still raging. She may still be raging for all I know. It was not about the lawn chairs. It was about dysregulated, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rage that she wanted me to accept responsibility for because I had the childhood trauma response to make eye contact.

Finally, the Aha

What I saw clearly in last night's epiphany was that I have always, unquestioningly, taken ownership of someone else's anger, if they told me to. I fell for their gaslighting. I picked up their hot potato when I didn't have to. I also saw that when I'm targeted by narcissistic rage spray, it's almost never has anything to do with me. I just happened to cross their path. I was convenient. Now this is pretty revolutionary for us trauma survivors. We have been conditioned to play cat's paw, grabbing that hot potato they threw us. It feels weird not to trauma respond. But hang on because I'm going to share some ways to prevent our poor little paws getting burnt.

Redirecting the nozzle

So I'm learning how to do just that. Instead of taking possession, of what is clearly not my problem, I can

just let the potato sit there where the narcissist dropped it
turn the nozzle back on the owner of the rage by refusing to accept it
avoid narcissistic rage spray trajectory
shrug my shoulders when accused
say "You might be right. I'll have to think about it." Then forget it.
say "I don't care."
say "not my problem."
avoid JADE (justifying, answering/arguing, defending or explaining)
observe, not absorb

Some of these will sound rude to normal people. The narcissist may call you rude. But remember, the narcissist also does these things himself all the time. Which may make you feel like you're just "stooping to their level." Eh, hot potato, hot pahtahta. (😉😆) And regardless, they are crucial behaviors to replace dangerous trauma responses.

Wake-up call on childhood trauma from narcissistic parents' CSA and emotional incest

2026-04-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring a wake-up call I had regarding my parents' emotional incest and CSA. This is terribly triggering to me and may be to you as well, so I want to warn you about that upfront.

"Touchless" or Emotional Incest

I have talked before about my mother's "touchless" yet very inappropriate sexual interactions with me. The fact that there was no physical CSA has kept me gaslit about the fact that it was still CSA. And no wonder. Society, religion, even authorities and psychologists have denied it as actual abuse. I've experienced both kinds and of the two, I'd say the emotional CSA was the worst. So how does this emotional incest manifest, if not in touch?

Examples of Emotional Incest and CSA

describing things of sexual nature to child
viewing pornography in front of child
parent or adult mocking child's body (mocking a child is NEVER okay)
describing plot of "dirty movie" (in my case it was "A Clockwork Orange")
insisting on having the "the talk" when child is too young or not ready
talking about sexuality when child says "stop!"
sharing intimate details of personal sex life with child (HUGE red flag)
behaving provocatively in front of child (making out with boyfriend)
openly flirting, sitting on lap (my mother licked her boyfriend's ear in front of me)
forcing child to witness violent confrontation with cheated-on spouse
telling dirty jokes
dressing inappropriately (going as "hooker" for Halloween, making me help with costume)
forcing child to see parent naked (exhibitionism, answering the door naked to be "caught.")
violating child's body boundaries by touching or discussing without consent
violating privacy (entering room without knocking, reading diary)
discussing private things about child publicly (telling family that the child has pubic hair)
using child as sex therapist (dumping, parent saying she was molested)
exposing children to dangerous known offenders
leaving child alone with unvetted adults, often overtly sexually "off" people.
"cheating" (committing adultery) with child's knowledge
rationalizing affairs to child (telling child she is "leading boyfriend to Jesus")
loud intimacy at inappropriate times, when child is around
hitting on people close to the child (friend, boyfriend, grandfather, teacher)
being lewd
making the child feel dirty about the parent's own perversions
calling the child "loose" or "easy" or "dirty"
blaming the child for being assaulted by people the parent left the child with
engaging in pedophilia (my 35 y/o dad "dated' a 17 y/o and took me along to normalize it)

Slippery slope of emotional CSA

None of these behavior are "gray areas" open to interpretation. They are all deviant and predatory, period. Normal healthy parents will instantly see what's wrong with all of this. However these kinds of things have flown under the radar for so long that some have wormed their way into silently permitted acts. These are not accidental. Enmeshed malignant narcissistic parents do them intentionally all the time. They do it to get their creepy narcissistic supply hit (a drug-like euphoria gained from feeling falsely grand, important and powerful). Malignant narcissists get supply from degrading other people.

Why children stay silent in hidden incest

The fact that enmeshed, malignant narcissist parents do it blatantly and consistently, blurs the lines of normal for a child. Often, CSA goes undetected because it relies on being reported. The parent perpetrator isn't likely to. And if the child was a victim the last thing she wanted was to tell anyone. Also victim blaming is a sadly common occurrence. So the child keeps silent and absorbs the humiliation, disgust and shame, thinking she must have done something to cause or deserve it. Dirty was done to her but she's the one who feels dirty.

My 5-alarm wake up call

I have been living with this shame for 61 years. And three days ago, I had an epiphany about one small part of the emotional incest. My mother has been telling on herself for years and I just didn't hear it till now. She has always talked about sex openly to me, including her own experiences, since I was 7 or 8. She describes how she would tell me about things in such a way as to make it look like it was "for my own good." Such as explaining how intercourse works. So that is a job of parenting but it's difficult for parent and child in normal families. My mother seemed to enjoy it and the fact that I hated it. She said I'd cover my ears and beg her to stop AND SHE WOULD IGNORE AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN.

Emotional incest is always the parent's fault

I'd cut my tongue out before I'd force sex talk on kids. But somehow I assumed it was okay for me to hear it (though it was uncomfortable AF) because mother said so. I'd heard her say many times, with pride, how she forced this on me. Yet I just realized what was wrong with that now. She wasn't telling me details and anecdotes to help me. If she was, she'd have respected my boundaries and stopped. She was doing it for her. To feed her narcissistic supply. Or for some sick twisted self-serving reason. I realized that the reason I've always felt so awful was that she was making me feel awful. I also woke up and realized she's always done this, in a variety of ways. She was dumping her depravity and perversion on me and I'm the one who felt her shame.

One red flag reveals more

Getting my head straight on this, helps me get clear on other instances of emotional incest in my life. And it makes me angry that I was so misused by people who were supposed to love me. I want to wash away the filth they inbred in me. It's like cleansing the Augean Stables, but I'll keep working away at it. I'm grieving the theft of childhood innocence. I want my life back. And I realize I'll never get that. So I want to make now the best I can.

Homework for Child Victims

Healing is a process. Please treat yourself with the kindness you deserved as a child.

Hear the alarms: It is not your fault; it was never your fault.
Identify the perpetrators: See the reality of who abused your trust.
Grieve. You lost your chance to child.
Take a mental shower: Consciously release the shame that was projected onto you.
Take back you.
Comfort little you.
Practice self-compassion: Be the protective, loving adult you needed back then.

Narcissistic parents' identity theft dogs the scapegoat in adulthood

2026-04-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how enmeshed narcissistic parents' identity theft of the scapegoat and dogs us in adulthood.

Note to Readers: This post discusses the heavy, often painful experience of recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse. Please prioritize your own well-being while reading.

Enmeshed narcissistic parents

Let's begin by exposing the perpetrator parents. They parasitically enmesh themselves in their children's lives like tics or tapeworms. They ride herd over natural boundaries and intrude themselves and their toxic agenda where they do not belong. Healthy parents feed their children. Parasitic parents feed off the child's energy to power themselves. They suck the child's self for narcissistic supply. They do this in a number of ways.

Child roles in dysfunctional families

Enmeshed narcissistic parents rob children of their true selves and implant false identities based on the parents' own selfish goals. It sounds like a conspiracy theory because it is a conspiracy to destabilize children and render them pliable. It bears no resemblance to healthy parenting. The children are "cast" as in a play, in archetypal roles. I've included a unique combination child role I was forced into at the end.

Golden child (can do no wrong, favored, family Messiah )
Glass child (unseen, unheard, invisible, inconvenient)
Enabler child (cheerleader, helper, liar in that she supports her parents' narcissistic fantasy)
Mascot child (the buffoon or schlemiel, who cheers everyone else up and draws fire away from parents and other children by playing the clown.)
Scapegoat child (the source of everyone's problems, the sacrificial victim, the one who get the blame for parents and other kids' behaviors).
The "Broken Vending Machine" Child

"My term for the role I was coerced
into..."

This is the archetype of the child who is expected to be whoever they are told to be at any given moment. It is the "one-man-band"—the child who carries the mental load, gives endlessly of themselves, and receives nothing in return but disappointment. It is a state of constant, exhausting performance where your own needs are perpetually subsumed by the demands of others.

Gaslighting, parentification, role reversal and reversed again

Using gaslighting mind games, the narcissistic parent creates an artificial reality in which the child is the parent responsible for the whiny brat parent. The parentified child must nurture, comfort, support, humor and tend to the demanding parent. That's where the roles come in. Because narcissistic parents need more than one slave. They demand an entourage of slaves to pull their barge. They aren't content to just reverse roles. They re-reverse and claim the authoritarian role when convenient. The operative phrase is "enmeshment." They do not think of their children as separate beings. Children are tools, extensions of self, possessions, puppets in their main character syndrome melodrama.

Dehumanization

Our suffering goes beyond mere invalidation. We have been dehumanized. Enmeshed narcissistic parents deny us basic human rights. It's like they remove our humanity or "genetically modify" us. Our trauma brains feel "identity-reassigned." Our mental and emotional "DNA" is all kinds of FUBARed by their brain-damaging. I can't speak enough about how destabilizing, debilitating, destructive and damned messed up this all is. All the parent-assigned child roles are. Children are not actors in some narcissistic parent fantasy play. We aren't slaves of the parent state. We aren't minions or drones. And yet, we are, in that we have been reduced to a person-less state of mind that dogs us throughout our lifeless lives.

Dogged by fog of Fear, obligation and guilt

Having had our humanity genetically modified, we children of narcissists are broken. Especially the scapegoats. Because I carried the mental load for adults and parents, as a child, I now emotionally "carry" my husband, children, their spouses, my grandchildren, everyone, like I carried my parents, their spouses and their children. I don't sleep well at all because I dream so many oppressive dreams of inappropriate responsibility.

On Call 24/7/365

I don't give myself permission to "let go" of them so I can rest. I feel and have felt "on call" all of my life. I'm too tired to even consider personal pursuits. And I feel guilty if I do. I feel the need to silence my interests if it bothers other people. I don't speak of interests if it offends, annoys or threatens anyone. My only "hobby" if you will is finding a way through this "fog" of fear obligation and guilt. It's the only one I dare to pursue and only when it doesn't interfere with anyone else's demands. And I'm damned sure to keep that one close to my chest.

What was stolen, pirated or weaponized by enmeshed, narcissistic parents

identity
self
needs
wants
ideas
successes
failures
ambitions
emotions
peace of mind
privacy
belonging
clear thinking
adequacy
dignity
basic rights
basic care
childhood
history
story
adolescence
life
ability to cope
self-esteem
confidence
ability to know right from wrong
joy

Task list for childhood trauma survivors

Do you identify as having had your "self" stolen by enmeshed narcissistic parents? Then I have a task list for you.

Take back command of your ship

To make the identity pirate parents "walk the plank," focus on these steps:

Internalize the Truth: Know that it was all gaslighting. No one owns another person.
Release Guilt: You did not volunteer for this. You were a child.
Re-reverse Roles: Acknowledge they were the parents; you were the child.
Reverse DARVO: Recognize that you were the victim, never the offender.
Mothball the Role: Set the "scapegoat" role aside. Preserve it as history, but do not live in it.

I'll have more ideas on this but it's enough to be going on with.