My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

My Feedback to Apple Regarding iPhone and iOS 9.0.2 Enhancements with a Perspective of Other OS' user...

2015-10-04T13:54:00.003+05:30

Well, I tried writing Apple at https://www.apple.com/feedback/iphone.html but the commect section is too small. So I am posting here instead and I hope they will look into this matter seriously :)

1) iPhone is getting slower. We need snappier performance from it. slow things kills the fun.

2) Some process are very complicated in the phone for example iCloud Keychain enabling & disabling. It stays PENDING for most of the time. after enabling and disabling it at least 10 times it gets fixed.

3) I don't think we need two search methods. Slide to search is not much worth when we can slidedown to search. Extra screen MAY bring extra RAM usage.

4) Make SIRI more useful in India. its not that much useful here. I don't know why apple has some problem with India. why we get so much ignored? i mean we give u tons of revenue. probably half of your engineers and scientists are from india. why this attitude towards india?

5) I don't know why you guys don't use Google maps. you can use its search. can power siri with it. but no maps. ridiculous. your map of tomtom here is incredibly stupid and slow. Either bring more, much more details in your map & enable transit & directions for India OR just use google maps. Also please bring offline map features. It will save some data and will give snappier performance.

6) iOS 9.0.1 is giving LAG which it shouldn't in iPhone 5S 16GB. afterall whats the use of investing almost quadruple the money into a phone it its lifecycle is not long?

7) Backing Up of the apps in the PC was the best feature of Iphone, beating androids. so that we can use our PC as a mini app store and can uninstall & install apps AT WILL any time without the need of data. and then what you did? DISABLED this feature. applaud -_-

8) sometimes iPhone starts to use lots of data without any reason. I can see its using much data and the internal storage size shrinks but nothing is downloaded, no app gets uploaded, and no icloud is syncing (I don't use iCloud, i am coming to that point later).

9) Phone resetting is a MESS. Every Time it creates some of the new problem. every time i have to reset the network first to reset phone because the icloud stops recognising my password. thats ridiculous.

10) OS Upgradation is a MESS. Everytime the OS upgrades it creates some new hiccups.

11) WHY there is NO FILE browser? why we cant work with all files? why archive and normal zip file compression & decompression is not supported by DEFAULT? iOS is an extension of MAC OS and it has UNIX core. a simple gzip and gunzip can solve this. Afterall iPhone is the smartestphone. not any ordinary smartphone. why we will not get to use it all? why cant we use the phone as external storage? i mean u say iphone will never catch any malware. then why disable it rather than guarding it?

11.1) AND if there is no FILE browser then put some ind of app where we can see all our documents. there is a place to look for photos, videos, music but WHY no place for documents? the world's best phone is NOT JUST for entertainment for work too.

12) Why we have to use separate apps for sharing file with other devices. Bluetooth is the best way and with more security it can be used. having the world's most advanced bluetooth just for earphone is a WASTE of technology, seriously. we have to use different kind of wifi sharing app to cater other people. why not put a standard transfer technology for all device. LIKE BLUETOOTH?

13) A phone cleaner is a MUST. the mysterious OTHERS folder gets bigger all the time. THERE IS NO PROBLEM in cleaning couple of GBs of internal JUNKS. everyone does that by jailbreaking and that doesnt hurts the performance in their system. why it will do any harm if it gets designed by world's best programmers?

14) every iOS update is a pain in the ass. I mean, iTunes FAILS to download IPSW file all the time. have to use third party sites for it. no direct download from your site (though we download from your site, anyways). make this streamlined. either make OTA work or give that file to people. its not justified to download a 2gb IPSW file for 30mb of update.

15) YOU have a dictionary inbuilt BUT we cant use it directly. every time we have to write a word in message and select it and then click on define. i mean WHY??? why not create an inbuilt app where we can put words to know the meaning. you just have to make the interface. the dictionary is already inbuilt. it could be a great for education.

16) we all download the iOS version but get different apps. ok. granted. but different wallpapers? i mean WHY this biasness??

17) put some firewall and antivirus in phone. firewall for protection of hacking & antivirus not just for iphone, but for other people, with whom we share the data. we should not stay as selfish people who only looks for themselves.

18) most of the new messengers support all type of file transfer. why prevent them to use that in iphone? i mean with HIKE messenger any file can be transferred. we cant. why? why we will be the DUMB ones while having the smartest phone in the world??

19) give more addons in safari. and why there is no mobile mode in safari? after all it is a mobile browser. there is no data saver system. no data compression system. it uses lots of data. we have to download opera to save data or use onavo which is unsafe VPN.

20) you brought LOW battery mode. its nice. but why we have to enable it ourselves? cant our phone do that automatically when it will reach to certain battery level pre-defined by us? i think it can. every other phone (windows phone) can. why don't we?

21) make iTunes smarter. it doesn't have video & picture sync. WHY? i mean really what you guys are thinking? also, the pictures which we can copy from phone to pc (not the other way around, this is stupid too) loses all the editing we put inside, from phone. why? i mean what the point here? the photos should contain the editing when we import them and there should be a feature to export pictures.

22) you have made the iOS as walled garden but slowly the garden is becoming suffocating. okk music sharing is piracy and u dont allow that. FINE. but keep this feature to your DRM protected (DRM is EVIL) musics bought from your itunes store. what music we have DRM free and imported by ourselves why you are guarding these as well?

23) why no NEWS app for india? don't we indians deserve news?

24) why there is no IOS feedback page? there should be one. most of the problems in iphone is for its OS.

25) More filters required in camera app. especially selfie app. its plain basic now. more is needed.

26) Please add a SECURE BROWSING mode for safari so that it can be used for net banking and online transactions.

27) Why safari cant download anything? its the most dumbest thing on Iphone. there should be an ability to download stuffs and open it with either by default (inside a secure container) or by importing (not copy paste... rather cut paste. it will safe space on iphone) to other app.

28) mail app gets bloated unnecessarily for no reason. in some cases where neither its saving mails nor attachments. then whats it saving and getting bigger day by day? and icloud is also increasing parallelly. even disabled apple mail for this reason. there should be a cleanup option like safari in mail.

29) why does phone app doesn't have a call recorder? I mean whats possibly wrong in it? this is traitorous world. this will give us evidence. android can do it. why don't you? even you don't allow any offline call recorders. what the wrong with you guys?

30) VPN support is very narrow in iphone. not all VPN are compatible. also no proper TOR client & support available. What's the problem if you are so into security, encryption & privacy? you say you don't let NSA intrude BUT then again you don't provide tools and options to masses so that they can create these tools & stay protected. that's blasphemy.

31) App security is good. but sometimes I may want to make my own app. what's the wrong in this? I mean i can make an app for myself in every OS platform why not for my phone? why i have to be dependent on others and PAY? if i create an app, for me, there is no justification of giving money to apple.

32) YOU have absolutely NO rights to delete our music which is NOT purchased from your store. your store is costly, DRM protected, cant play elsewhere, cant share. No matter from where we get

our music, its not apple's business to look into this matter. keep your store items locked and protected but you SHOULD not delete our musics.

33) The world is moving towards Torrent Transfer platform for serverless transfer and cost reduction and yet there is no support for TORRENT from your side. why the hell is this? you think you are preventing piracy by it? torrent is evil? well let me tell you that, its a platform by which anyone can publish their matter to the world without control. you say, you are for the rebels, for the misfits and yet you wanna control everything. you wanna kill the creativity in the name of security. you have became the same oppressor against which u fought in past.

34) please dont be miser in terms of storage. i mean this costly phone contains 16GB (which most of us struggle to afford... no wonder people are selling kidneys to get your device -_-), where ur OS takes much space, ur apps are HUGE, no restriction / filtering / compression on web, no cleaning apps / options, fishy storages which contains privacy details, yet it seems like you do not wanna provide users with cheaper and big storages. and let me say you CLOUD is not a solution to it in a country like India & middle east. even ur laptops are getting smalle storages day by day. yes its SSD & its fast but its also tiny and costly. there is nothing wrong in the usage of HDD. its still fast. develop some 10,000+ rpm server grade small hdd. i bet you can. afteral u r apple.

35) iOS 9.0.2 makes camera app a little slower and laggy on iPhone 5S, I know its temporary but please do something ASAP.

36) TIPS is the most bogus app. you can simply make a website about iphone tips. why eat up storage with an app?

37) Find friends, Watch, Podcast apps are ok but not a mandatory app. whhy give this to eat space? Find phone is a stupid app. I mean most people struggle to get 1 iphone and you wanna find that phone from that phone? do u know how stupid it sounds even? merge itunes store with app sttore. whats wrong in it? why create a separate app? there is too much app fragmentation. make these apps OPTIONAL and don't embed them inside OS. they are becoming like BLOATWARE.

38) why not show DATE in side of TIME at the top of the screen? there is ample amount of space available.

39) why not add auto brightness, mobile net connectivity, low power mode switch in Control center?

40) why there is noo DEFAULT QR CODE & BARCODE reader in camera app? its a MUST HAVE in today's growing digitised world..

41) why the HELL messege app doesnt dow any delivery confirmation for SMS? whats wrong with you guys its a simple GSM standard. doing SMS from the app is so stupid. you actually have to ask

the recipient by calling that they have received the sms or not. how DUMBASS is this? you blame it on the phone companies but its your fault because all other phones have this feature and working with SAME companies. YES you can at least provide users with choice that they wanna receive the confirmation or not. atleast provide an iMessage like confirmation over it.

42) your video player is so stupid that we have to use VLC to play our videos without conversion. all other phones have in built apps which can play MOST OF THE video formats but you dont. its the least used app in your phone. have u seen that? people use other players. please give more features to it.

43) YOU provided the stupidest of cloud service EVER. its like a muscular man with no brain. all protections (though its hacked many times) but no usability. no smartness. you provided icloud drive. thats cool. but we cant add any data to it. only certain apps can. whats the use in that? if we cant use the cloud at our will? we should be able to upload anything to it from any app or file manager. and PLEASE for god sake stop counting backups and contacts and other things against icloud storage. its malpractice.

44) iTunes doesn't shows any contacts. ok. its a music app. but contacts app on the icloud web doesn't let user export or import contacts using CSV or other INDUSTRY STANDARD excel format. IF you make so better a platform that nobody wanna leaves at all then why you are restricting contacts? so the mighty apple IS afraid that people gonna leave them. but u know what there are some loyal customers too and for their sake, make it open.

45) OKK you are providing music so you can restrict the details. but pictures & videos are taken by us. why we cant see its details inside phone? the size data, location & metadata we cant see. we have to use another app for that. its STUPID.

46) I dont know why u stopped SAFARI for windows. It would be great for us who are compelled to use windows. why we will be deprived of apple awesomeness? when you can provide itunes, icloud,

bonjour to windows then why not safari as u used to. we are not demanding anything which can hurt your revenue. with safari you can even sync bookmarks, sync opened tabs, send to iphone or send to pc of any article. wifi file browser embedded. the possibilities are endless and as u r designing both the things it will be secure.

47) why there is no SECURE PASSWORD creator in iphone or safari or icloud so that we can safely create SAFE & SECURE passwords and keychain can remember it for us?? this is not a HUGE coding from your side I hope.

48) wifi data connection has some problem in ios 9.0.2. the connection breaks without no reason at all.

49) Network connection is problematic. whenever i switch location it shows NO NETWORK. then i switch to manual from automatic. then have to choose network and its works fine. then again i have to switch to AUTOMATIC and it stays OK. but why this glitch? its unacceptable. please remove it.

50) and finally please put some more common sense in siri for india. for god sake.

THANK YOU.

Saturday, 02/05/2015...

2015-05-02T19:06:00.003+05:30

Hello friends, this is again me. After a, well, not so long time. How much I missed this place? None. I felt no urge to come. I mean what I come to do here? Nothing absolutely isn't it? This place is hollow. A boring graveyard of all my memories. Well most of them are anonymous. I don't feel anything. I don't feel nice. I am talking all my mind here knowing no one would come here to have a lookie. From many days I was thinking about writing something here. My workless life didn't let me do it. Isn't it ironical? I am feeling very lazy nowadays. Have many things to do, but not having enough will to do it.

Started playing an online game on mobile called Clash of Clans. Well, there is no problem with the game but the thing is I easily get bored. And this game is boring me, I mean it’s unnecessarily slow & boring and the only reason is to retain the gamers hooked up to the servers. They are selling in-app purchases and I am not going to buying them. Anyways, I lost the taste of this genre. I love things which gives me adventure. Which thrills me. Gives me challenge but not in a rhetoric way. FPS, TPS games are my thing. I am a team player no doubt but I need a good team first. I mean in which clan I wanted to get it they throw me out from it. If they are playing like team why should I play with them? It’s not serving any purpose anyways. I have a better team at my projects.

Talking about projects, I really see no point for its future. I am not talking shit. This is what I just was writing about now. I mean we might have created something in the history of my department but then again what we have achieved globally? Yes I got a job but what is its future? This IT trend is just a slavery and it’s about hire & fire. Couple of days ago I was flipping through some of my memories, some BAD PAST, yes I do have a folder synced to my personal cloud where I keep it. And then I saw some of those in the Facebook. They might be changed just a bit externally but they are same inside. Same mean ferocious selfish beings whom I hate to call humans. I mean how much cursed I am to meet them and trust them? Sometimes more than once to the same person. Shit! I was so naïve. Thanks to all of them, I learned much of my life lessons.

I have a bad home, bad family and bad neighbours. I have such kind of neighbours whom someone like to strangle and burn alive. I know if I would be in USA, FBI would have seen this blog and their NSA counterparts will think that I am a future suspect of homicide. But no I am not. So, please FBI spare me of your bullshit algorithms. Not feeling good USA? Yes, I know in some future I would be coming to there and you are going to arrest me of no reason for this lines in blog which is going to be saved in some American server. But that’s too far isn't it? But I have freedom of speech by my constitution.

Again coming to IT. I know they will make me sign some confidentiality agreement so that I can’t whistle-blow and even the government will support them because no matter how much wrong they are doing, government is getting their cut. Just like some gang. That’s why they sell liquor, they sell tobacco products, and they sell drugs. Government is not what you think it is and a democratic government like us, they are bunch of blood sucking selfish vampires who only think about themselves. It’s so damn easy to break Indians, in the name of sports, in the name of religion, political outlook, colour, class, creed, calibre, intelligence, gender, age, wealth, looks etc. you name it and you can make then fight among themselves. India is never united. In its entire modern day history, Indians never did something new, they only work when someone kick their asses hard. They are habituated get to manhandled. Without kicking on their behind they can’t do any work. They love slavery. They crave slavery. Yes we got freedom. Yesterday it was Greeks, Portuguese, shaks, Huns, Mughals, British… now? It’s virtually every country now and mainly we are kicking on our own rear. India is a no longer a golden egg giving hen. It’s just a slave market now open for business 24 x 7. No matter how much we think that we are master of our own universe but the truth is our universes are so vulnerable that it clashes with almost everyone else’s and thus, it’s nasty.

A Small Hard Truth...

2015-04-18T15:56:00.001+05:30

Well, I am writing from my tablet using blogger official app so prepare to get some grammer, spelling, typing, indentation and other such errors in this post. I will try to minimize but you all know how the mobile writing is. Though it has 7" of real estate space but still it feels crampy. Are you here to see the little hard truth? Well forat of all i have to tell you all that it will be small to you not me and its not hard to you either but to me. Then why i am sharing? No cause here. I write in my blog whenever i feel like. Its not because of anyone but maybe because of some causes. Good bad alike.

Maybe this post is my last post from my tablet as i am about to sell it. Thinking about buying a second hand iPhone 5s. Yes dear Americans, most of Indians can only buy second hand Apple stuffs. Its not like your movies where you all use apple all the time. I want to end the whole digital version of me. I am going to do it soon. I am just waiting for the right time. I was in the net before my digital avatar and i am again feeling the need to go incognito. And i am prepared for this.

Why? Because i have seen the world enough. Its not auitable for me but for the other me. I am good at myself. Others are just morons. There will be no harm to anyone nor anyone is going to shed ter
Ars fpr me and even if someone does cry me a river i dont care about it. No one is for anyone. Everyone is on their own. No one kills, no one dies. Its all just a part of a big choreographed drama. We are just the the players with expiration dates. Waiting for the curtain call.

I admire women. I respect them because they are far superior beings. Superior in every way of breaking hearts and bending rules. Superior in manipulation. They can make you do anything for them. They can make you dance in their tunes wheather you like it or not and wr have to dance because we dont have any other way. And after you complete your part they are so hearlessly remoursless that they can shed you out like a yellow leaf. I have been manipulated many times and in the end i was the one who always gets all the blame where the main culprits gets away with clean collers. So you see there is no way to not to respect them. Sooner of later you have to follow their commands conciously or the other way around. They will get whatever they want. And you call me misogynist. Unless someone have any first hand experience how can they understand it? They cant be anyone's friends, like feline species they are selfish. I find it disgusting to not have people who want equality. Everyone is chauvinist. And thats ridiculous.

Recovering From Writers Block...

2015-04-05T12:07:00.001+05:30

After long silence of 3 Months, 21 Days, 2 Hour and 3 Minutes, I am again here to write a few lines. Where was I? I was here, in this plane, observing things silently. Why didn't I wrote anything? Because I didn't felt the urge to. I mean what’s the point? There is no audience. I just write my mind off here, not to please someone. I write about myself and my life and no one gives a damn about it. Anyways, what did I do in these days?

Well, I prepared for the company where I got a job. Saw tons of movies, downloaded tons of contents, listened to a few songs, no books these days except study ones, no games for me either, though I downloaded some, also I am doing my final year project, joined a group in college. This group made me very busy. I like it. I like being busy. I like forgetting all the pain I have in my life. No offence, but I won’t be comparing my pain with some other’s. I respect mine more.

Every day I tried to write a page here. But I couldn't find any words to write. Call it my writer’s block. So I kept myself quite. It was on my to-do list. It was on my notes. I looked at it all the time still find no way to do so. My life is upside down. I am too busy to look into it. Lost my last remaining best friend. Well our relation was ended long ago. I just signed the contract few days back and she seemed happy.

There is another person who wants to be in my life but I have absolutely no feeling towards her. Can't betray or disrespect someone’s feeling. It’s better for her if she don’t come inside my life. It’s better for her because as she has said, her life is also messed up. I have respect for her. And also our stars don't match. I have somewhat little believe left in this astrology. Can't risk her life because I am a risky job myself. On the other hand the girls who is very compatible with me refused me few days back and now in love with someone else. This is how screwed up I am. Love is not potty which can be forced. So I won’t be forcing myself to love someone, I did it in my past and it didn't turned well for me.

Slowly I am getting addicted to TV series, now a days I look for better series. I am already up to date with Arrow and The Flash. CSI:Cyber seemed boring to me. Now watching Constantine. Waiting for Game of Thrones Season 5. Also after Constantine I will start Vikings. Deleted some of the series from my HDD because there is few space.

Windows 10 is coming and I am hoping to get a copy for free as they are giving it away. I am also looking for a smartphone to buy because my employer won't be allowing any laptop or tablet inside campus so I am going to live a pretty boring life in coming future for 90 days at a stretch. Also for this my plan of buying a 2TB external HDD is cancelled.

My tablet OS has been upgraded to KitKat and no improvement yet. Well its working fine for me. I don't want to sell it but still I think I have to do it soon. That makes me sad in all the ways. I am awaiting my final joining letter and I don’t know when I will be getting one. Till the day I stopped updating my windows 8.1 and reverted back to windows 8 I am going absolutely fine with no space issues. So the moral of the story is always advancing forward is not a solution to a problem. Sometimes u need to step back.

As our department’s project room is not fully ready yet, we don’t have UPS there with PC, that’s why I have to bring my home UPS to the scene and now I can’t switch on my home desktop and play any games. Summer is going to be boring. That I can say and well as I can still bring the UPS anytime, I don’t want to jeopardise my project and the final semester marks of my teammates.

I know probably you guys are cursing me by this time now but hey my blog, my choice :P

Wednesday – 17/12/2014 – December...

2014-12-17T10:04:00.002+05:30

I just reached college. There is no internet yet. The lab is closed. So I thought to make a blog posting. I was not writing regularly because of the lack of substance in my life. It’s utterly boring. Exams are over and I still come to college to get some high bandwidth. I am downloading a game though I don’t know whether I would be able to play it or not. Because I don’t get any chance to play a game. I only watch movies skipping most of the rubbish scenes.

From some days I was matching my horoscope with others and found not much of ideal match. Some people have match in “guna” but they are not “manglik” and others are vice versa. Now many people would argue why I believe in these shits where I myself saw that these don’t work in real life that much. The thing is that I saw my part of horoscope working perfectly for me and that’s why I chose to follow my astrologer’s advice. I saw these things happening. How I disbelieve them?

The fact that I am a lonely guys with almost a fast brain, it works day and night. And believe me it does work in night when I sleep and that’s why I mostly see nightmares. Exams are over and I can’t still sleep till 10’ o clock. I wake up at 5am. Today I woke up at 4am. What’s this going on with me? Why I can’t stay in peace? Am I so restless for just a partner? Maybe. Because I am all alone. I have no one and I value no earthly things as dear as the touch of love. Then why I can just accept any one of them who proposed me? The answer is feelings. I don’t have for them. I can’t create for them. I don’t want to create because I have suffered the result of created love.

That girl, my first love, has ditched another boy and this time it’s uglier. Many people may say that I must be very happy for this as I forbade that boy previously not to fall in love with her and he pretended like I am a dumb person, that’s not. I am sympathetic toward all. I know what he is feeling now. Lots of anger dipped in sorrow. I have felt that thing many times. And it’s not a very merry feeling. Then how I can be happy? I am not. I am just waiting for the karma to react. I want that girl and her family suffer not just because of me but because of their karma. Karma will teach them a hard lesson I am sure of it.

I don’t know what my stars are playing but it seems no one likes me because of that. It’s clearly written in my “kundali” that I will not get any love and if I fell for any I will cry. That’s the biggest prove that my kundali works. And another cruel thing is that because of my “raashi” I will crave for love all the time. I have no regards for any other earthly possessions. Because I know that nothing is forever. No even diamonds are not. And I am not a girl that I will drool over them. The life is bigger than these. For me it’s not iPhone, not MacBook, not any other gadgets. For me its pure love. Pure uncompromised, unabridged, unconditional love and nothing but it.

While writing this teacher came, he opened the lab, perhaps started the net, but it’s not working as of now. And I don’t know why. The Wi-Fi does showing in my list but it’s not accepting any connection. Both my tablet and laptop is offline. Maybe these is some serious fault and think it’s my fate. That’s wit, when I find no one to blame, we blame our fate. Well I think it’s better to blame our fate than to blame someone else and take drastic actions against it.

We should think before we leap, so that later we don’t have to weep.

End of November...

2014-11-30T20:00:00.003+05:30

Maybe it’s been some two months I was not writing anything here. No one questioned anything though but I felt that it’s my responsibility to explain things a bit more elaborately. I was busy. That’s true. But moreover I was sad. Felt numb for quite sometimes. Listening to my inner self. Not feeling any itch in my fingers to write. My eardrums were sore with the noises of silence. The long never ending silence and finally today I broke it with my battle cry.

The day after, the day after tomorrow is the beginning of my semester exams. Am I prepared for it? No. am I expecting a good result out of it? I don’t know. Why not I’m preparing now then? Simply because I’m moody. What happened to my mood? It died….. Who killed it? No one did. It killed itself. Because it’s better to blame myself than to countless others. I don’t need to blame anyone. I’m thankful for everything they did to me. I grew stronger. Am I mad? Perhaps.

What I did for these days? Did nothing basically. Worked hard for my project and achieved a great success and provided marks to some freeloaders who did absolutely nothing in it as usually. But then again I am a team player in my professional life that’s why I have to say to countless people that WE are doing this and WE are doing that. But basically it all happened a one man show. People will understand.

I saw one mobile phone which I can’t buy. I felt some feelings which I can’t express. I felt the urge to do things which I can’t do. I tried to do things which didn’t succeeded. Wanted to impress someone who is hard to please. Wanted to get some air, and I got choked. Some good things happened to me but the time was short and some bad things happened to me whose scars are not going away. I never stopped though but I am a bit tired. Do I need support? No I don’t. Thank you. do I need someone. Yes indeed but not to show some sympathy but to walk besides me. I’m in a race. Maybe a race so long that it preaches neverendingness into my ears.

Some people got married. Some people got carried. Some things were moved. Some things were replaced. But I stayed eternal as a ghost of the living dead. As the remnant of some ancient time. I am not changed and I will not be. Change is the truth. Changing is not. Change happens. I changed a lot but it’s a slow process. I’m not a robot. I can’t be one.

I got the job. Some money is assured. I became good to some people suddenly just because of it. I lost some people because of it. Some enemy grows. Some friends turned their back. Many people disappointed me. Many people did bad. But still I am alive, stronger than ever before. Walking towards the darkness, to become darkness.

I neither wanted any good for me nor I ever expected any. I tried to make people happy. That was my only dream. But people are hard to please. I am poor. I look old. I became erratic, almost bald. I am moody, I am not George Clooney. I am not a gangster, nor I am a hunk, to you I am just a piece of junk. My paragraph might sound a little lyrical but it’s hysterical because I am getting mental.

They say I am not happy. Yes. It’s true. They say I talk dirty. Yes it’s true. Truth is raw. Raw is smelly. With everyone I don’t get jelly. Life is not fair, that’s said by all. I haven’t seen a bit of it that my luck. Do I have a hope? No not anything left.

Have you enjoyed my post? I don’t give a shit.

End of Puja 2014

2014-10-08T09:15:00.000+05:30

Today is Lunar Eclipse and both the pujas have ended, Durga Puja & Laxmi Puja and soon, Kali Puja will end also. I am feeling better now. No cacophony, no noise, no showoffs, no bright flashes, no late night blabbering of people, no Facebook filled pictures of different poses. I will get the mental peace I desire. I think I should take some more days off from studies. I have become lazier now a days. I am following the simple rule of eating & sleeping. Life is a little worriless now, and I am feeling very nice about it. The day before yesterday one of my oldest friend’s aunt has died, she was suffering from long ailment of kidneys and high blood sugar. I prayed for her soul’s smooth departure to the lord’s hand.

There were some people who said that they would meet me in puja, but they didn’t, they were too reluctant to even notify me that they won’t be meeting me. It’s like I don’t hold any value for them. So I have decided not to give a damn to them also. I know if I ask then they will give me umpteen number of excuses which I hate very much. Let them as they are and I will stay in myself. I won’t be going to find someone new because I think finally I have realised that my happiness or sorrow is not in someone else’s hand but mine. It’s me who control’s it consciously or unconsciously.

I can see the god’s connection everywhere. I was not goof at JAVA’s string handling so god sent a student to me and in the process of teaching hr I studied it extensively and after I accomplish what I needed she left. I guess god did that to give me some more time for my studies which I think I kind of neglect due to overburdening myself from various responsibilities. Responsibilities, which have no worth for others when done. Why I would be working for someone else when there is not even a word of recognition and if there is, then they are all fake?

I know that I would have no reader in this blog that’s why I write here almost freely. And if someday someone visits here they will find my memoirs of life. It feel great that even after I will die I will stay for some years in this cyber world but then again who cares about me? No one. I won’t be having monuments or statues in my name. Neither there will be any day celebrated for me. Nor I will have any online community. I will turn to dust and that’s it. So why fight for it? Let it be as it is going and in the meantime just do the good karma and leave the entire thing in the hands of god. He will decide what I need and what I deserve.

Just like someday ago I asked my father to bring me some ₹2 & ₹1 coins. But he gave me only some ₹2 coins and I got some more as my mother don’t need that much and on the next day I found that the student bus fare has been increased from ₹3 to ₹4. So isn't it god’s connection? IT IS. He wanted me to have those ₹2 coins so that I can commute effortlessly in bus. Otherwise ₹1 coins are easily available everywhere.

They say there are many realms. They also say that there are many dimensions of this world where we might be acting as same or differently. Maybe that dimensions are faster or slower than us. Isn't it also possible that god acid tests his judgements on us on different dimensions and then apply on us in this current dimension? They say he can foresee the future but future is getting changed all the time because our present actions. Then how can he sure of our future unless he choreographed our all the moves exactly as he likes so we get to point B from point A as he decided? So whatever we all are doing and happening with us is already written for us exclusively.

But then again there is a concept of “Free Will”. Now this is a very tedious thing for god because like me and other in my profession, he is also a programmer, a coder of the world. I believe so. And is there is something called “Free Will” exists then it will create a big IF-ELSE ladder for the god. And every IF and every ELSE and every combination of nested IF-ELSE would end up taking us to some alternate location other than point B. But no matter what where we reach out it will become point B for us. That’s why future depends on us as we have free will and the power of choosing but also the options are created by god and he knows exactly where we will end up if we follow our choices.

But as our old scriptures are telling us that there is also a DEFAULT case for us created by god where he chooses the “best suited option for the moment” for us and sometimes we get clueless about it. Different questions and doubts surrounds our heads like vultures from hell and we forget about ourselves. That’s why we should either leave everything to god or keep on doing good karma and accept whatever the consequences will be as it’s said in Shreemad Bhagwat Geeta, or we should take the full control of our life and do what feels right to our same judgement and prepare ourselves for the consequences.

In the both cases we should always be prepared for the consequences. Now the question is what is the use of being optimistic all the way? We should be preparing for the worst always and that’s why I think pessimism is the best way to live. To live without expectations and fool’s hope. It will help to achieve the stability of mind and life. As there are no expectations so there will be no after pain of getting then broken. But as a human we always expect and then we our heart, we expect to keep our promise of not to expect again and in the way we expect once again. This is our core nature. We can’t change it. This is the way we are meant and that’s why Pandora opened the box and wrecked the havoc upon us.

Pandora was curious and so is the mankind. The more we know the more we suffer from the brutal reality. At childhood we know little and we cry more to know more. When we know more we cry even more to repent why we knew about it. Like a relation is good and stable as long as you don’t dig deep and discover that the man is a drug addict or a fraud and the girl is not virgin or having an affair with someone else. When you know more than even the most perfectly seeming things become darker. But as in the path of seeking truth having reasonable doubt is the most important thing. Having imagination is necessary but not sufficient unless there is a doubt, not on the imagination but what’s served in front of us as truth, then it will create invention and we finally get the enlightenment of truth.

There are many events in my life by which I can connect the dots and can slightly predict the future and what’s about to happen and I stay prepared. I stay prepared all the time. And yet people call me negative person. Yes I am negative personally but to the person who needs positivity, seeks positivity from me, and sees me as a positive person. Friends, I am neutral. Believe me, I am. It’s onto the eyes of the beholder who sees me as a positive or negative person. I always stay neutral to everything. At least I try to be.

One Day in Mindtree Exam....

2014-09-28T01:30:00.001+05:30

Today, well yesterday actually, we gave our Mindtree exams at our college. We prepared a lot for this but still felt under prepared. It followed AMCAT prescribed format. I am totally devastated because of that. I have disappointed not only many people from my college but myself also. Its the most important. I need to work hard and I will be working harder now. I will not rest during Durga Puja. Wont be watching any movies for pleasure. Wont be playing any games. But I will be solving harder problems by now.

From somedays, I am using IE11 and LibreOffice. Though they need to have more features and updates but still they are fast and eating up my battery and memory less. Though I have an ultrabook and i have upgraded my memory to 8 GB but still I think using resource friendly things will be better. I am now thinking about moving to Linux completely. Using windows is getting problematic day by day. Maybe its smooth but security and space hogging issues are making my life painful.

Again I need to study hard. Today i saw a glimpse of a timeless classic, Amitabh Bacchan's Deewar. Its nice. Missing my female best friend. I don’t know where our lives have parted. She is now so much bound into her life. There is no place for me except some formalities. The life, the spark in our friendship relation has gone. I need that back. From many day I am planning to meet with her in Kolkata but for some unforeseen circumstances I am not able to do that. I also have to take a book from her, the book i gave her and its very much needed for my campussings now.

Somedays ago I again told myself to write something in my blog everyday. But then again I get out of contents sometimes. Because my life is so mundane. Its so alone and filled with darkness. And talking about darkness my future is also seems to be. Well I agree that I am not an optimist in personal life but I am in my professional life. I seek purity and perfection so I stay hungry all the time. You may call me a fool but its the biggest driving force for me.

For the puja time I had a plan to view all the movies I have collected so far, pruning my music library by listening to all of them, installing Ubuntu on my machine and playing most of the games so that I can clean up my pc to some extent but as the time goes by I think I need to study only because no matter what ultimately my competency matters and nothing else. Entertainment will come and go. As our dean sir has stated, we have to leave something to gain something. And I am here sacrificing every happiness just to be more happy in life. I never stopped learning. I even learn from my peers and juniors. I have no ego in that.

Some people may think that to fulfil a page I am writing shits here but no seriously I don’t have much to offer today because I don’t have anything. Nothing happened in my life and there is no thrill. There is plain old black & white life. And maybe its true that I don’t want any spice now. Eating pale foods from many days perhaps that’s why I forgot the taste of spices and now my system wont permit me to have any.

Anyways, two people from my class have been selected for TCS and they will be joining shortly. Don’t know about the Mindtree exam today. But its my belief that many people will get jobs from my class in here, well certainly except me, because I gave such a disastrous exam. I wont say that is haven’t prepared for anything but its a whole new level of exam I gave. I need to do better once again. Have to start from the scratch and I know I will get no one who will help me. But still I will fight alone. I have no help for GATE and NET but still I am hopeful that I will be giving such exams and also I will prepare for AMCAT and ELITMUS. I need to shine, brighter than the sun.

Good Night

Thursday, September 25, 2014...

2014-09-25T23:41:00.001+05:30

Today I spent a peculiar day, in the morning went to have my pre-scheduled Audiometry tests at a local ENT doctor's chamber. What i realised is that Doctors and Lawyers have no shame in their eyes. They are always seeking the chance to rip out more money out of poor man just to quench their thirst of money. They are two too greedy animals in form of human. There were times when i used to hear god like persona of doctors and lawyers but now they are just leeches who suck blood-money from poor men and provides maltreatments and some doctors also abuses their patients. So doctors need to be killed brutally in public. So that other can feel what they are doing wrong. Even someday ago i saw an article about a doctor who killed a patient deliberately because of ill treatment. My father is a victim of ill treatment. My mother is also to some extent.

Anyway, I had no other way but to consult a relatively less bad doctor in my area. Frankly, I don’t trust any doctor instantly and in my locality I know most of the doctors and I don’t count most of them as qualified doctors even. They don’t know even the generic names of the medicines, they are just a leech of society who feeds on medical representative & common people's blood. Anyway after loosing lots of money in the doctor's chamber for some really silly cause, I saw that there is no time for me to go to college. I needed to go to college for my downloads. I don’t have much time before puja and there are loads of downloads left to be done. Thankfully all the games have been downloaded. Thanks to several repack groups out there, especially R G MECHANICS. I am very thankful to them to compress the games so that common people like us can download. Otherwise downloading a 45GB+ game is very hard even on a 20mbps+ connection.

Then i decided to take the day off as the doctor suggested me to take more rest and reduce my stress level. Yes it is very much true that I am taking very much stress. My life is full of stress and now its hard to tell that I am living a life or a stress. I slept this afternoon but then again as my nature of sleep goes its very thin and i wake up even in a slightest of sounds, light or discomfort. The doctor said that my ears are perfectly normal. As i was fearing that i was loosing my hearing slowly and my voice has been raised very much. The audiometrist assured me that i am not loosing my hearing. The doctor said that I am panicking because of some other psychological issues. He said that its because of my stress and depression. But tell me who don’t have stress and depression? There is NO sure-shot way to handle it. Someday ago there was a series of classes took place in our college from art of living. But I couldn’t attend it just because its way too costly for me to afford.

Load shedding has became an epidemic in Asansol and due to that we are also suffering from severe water outage. Its is the gift from state government to Asansol because we made BJP winner here. Well no matter what, BJP is far more better than TMC at this point in my personal view. Though I am apolitical and i know that whoever goes to Lanka becomes Ravana. Asansol has nothing to offer now. The whole India is nothing to offer to the COMMON man. Remember, I am not talking about the 1% of the society, the rich men, I am talking about the people like me. Who are belong to the masses and they are often overlooked. We are taken as granted and always oppressed.

Then in the evening I got an email from my college stating that Mindtree is coming to our college for an in-campus hiring and the preliminary rounds of online aptitude tests on Saturday so it means I have less than 48 hours to get prepared and I need to be all presentable. I need that job and in any way I have to get that job no matter what it takes i will try my level best. There are lots of people who want me to succeed and there are way more praying for the opposite but as i believe in karma i know that no one has the power to give or take away the job from me. If i am right and doing right, right is bound to happen to me. This is the way karma works and if its not working as we are expecting it to be then there are a bigger plan waiting for us all. But we much not stop knocking on the every door we come across. And inshallah someday, opportunity will knock on our doors itself.

Lastly I would like to say that its been many a days i am not talking fully and properly to my so called female best friend just the like we used to. Rather I am talking to another person al day long whenever i get any chance, who made me her bestest best friend. Its an honour to become someone's so trusted friend. Am I blessed or curse? Really its the question of the hour.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

2014-09-24T10:38:00.002+05:30

This blog I am writing using the latest of LibreOffice. This is a test document as well as a very nice way to reintroduce myself to my blogging. Its been on my list from many day to write something on my blog. Recently I tested some new type of postings on my blog, basically they are of test pages. Then I told to myself that why on earth, I am not writing anything to it?

Recently I was being busy. Very busy into my life. It was going in a routine of waking up, coming to college, do the college and download some stuffs over the net and then going to food stalls eatig 1 big vegg roll and half plate veg chow and back to home, doing nothing, talking to my one new friend over Hike messenger and then going to sleep. I was working hard to study more but its not giving any fruit and in a way I was becoming more frustrated.

Some series of events took place. Firstly there was a news that the biggest of our Indian It company, TCS is coming to our college for hire. But after viewing their criteria requirement list I was depressed because according to that i am ineligible for their company and job position. That is no doubt heart brekening to any final year student, who invested lots of money for his education and now he came to his time of returning that money and still he is INELIGIBLE for the job.

But WHY the hell he is ineligible? Its because he has just a line below the qualifying marks in his Higher Secondary result. Or, some person have low marks in his Secondary exams, or someone has low marks in his graduation results, thats too because of the idiocracy of his university. Is it so needed for the job in IT? I mean all those subjects like Bengali, English, Hindi, Sanskrit, Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Biology etc etc etc ?? will he gonna be implement those in any IT industry? NO WAY MAN. No matter who says what. IT industry will never gonna need those things.

There is seriously something wrong about this once great nation. There are reservations based on caste and cadre where it is by default assumed that the lower caste students have money problem always, where it is completely different. The reservation should be solely based on the merit and proverty level not on some stupid caste system. But in Indian vote bank politics, it is happening from a long time and it will continue happen.

At the times of British Rule, to them we are all same old Indian Nigger dogs. And thats why they started to treat us all SAME. Being treated like SAME we become SAME and this sameness brought unity and we were able to force british to leave their 200 years old colony. Now, after so much cry and hue when we got out freedom then suddenly everybody becomes somebody. And as they say “when everybody becomes somebody, then somebody becomes nobody”. And thats what happening here right now. No one is giving value too anyone. Everyone thinks that he/she is too much important where its completely opposit. No one cares now a days what you are in reality. Its all about showoff.

Okk many of my readers may think that this person is completely frustrated but its not. I am a realist and i see the big picture very clearly. I have a broad vision and i am not afrad of anyone. Because freedom is for everyone. I dont care for any political party or any power. I have power in myself. Yes, i know that now a days our ruling state part TMC is telling everyone to kill and rape and thats too ina brutal form. They are killing raping people just like any political party does. Even the CPIM's hands are ful of blood but then again they took 34 years to become a monster and this new TMC party is already a behemoth in terms of bloodthrust. They are killing people, controlling police, and changing statements just like a gangster. In this new dawn of forwardness we are witnessing the rise of syndicates and mafia like any Italian gangster of USA.

Finally they beaten student of JU like street dogs without any warning. Its like British rule when they ysed to do that with students who tried to protest their ill doings. Well at that time i dont think this much brotality took place. I still remember the incident of Ashutosh college where a CPM student was killed britally by TMC and thats too within a months of two of TMC's coming of power.

Will you still call this madness? No. I will not. I will say thats its very natural. When you give anyone too much of a power. These kind of things happens.

Monsoon Has Come…

2014-07-04T12:03:00.001+05:30

I am again now at college. Writing this blog while the sky is very upset. It’s like a sad girl, hiding her face behind the curtain of her long thick black hairs, crying silently. I hate rain so much. And most probably many of you know this already from my previous blogs of past year. Every time I write the same old things that how much I hate mud, moisture, smells, flies, and foul smells from clothes. In the time of rain, I use deodorants, more on clothes than myself. People often argue about the grace of rain and how beautiful it is. Especially girls like to get wet in rain and dancing (like some freaking Indian drama, be it soap or movie) but I like to stay away from rain. I don’t like to get wet anytime. And in rainy time I always feel like moist because of the high moisture level in weather.

This monsoon time, Muslims has their Ramadan and roza and all their festivals, and every year this time, onions’ price gets arise. Middle class people like us get to suffer the most. While politicians do what they can do the best, they make it a political issue and attacks each other on this matter. It’s really amusing to see that on the same topic when this government is supporting as a ruling party, on the same issue, another year they will start to oppose it when they become opposition to the ruling party. Now the confusion again hits the middle class people like us. And we became the collateral damage in the fight of kings.

Today I came to college much before the opening time in the fear of heavy rain. Even the bus conductor was looking at me with amazement but couldn’t speak anything to me as because I look serious in public and I was in a full uniform and as in the place of college there is no place for entertainment I couldn’t be coming here for any kind of fun while giving the half bus fare of student. Even I sometimes think myself as mad person. I mean why I do this? What is in here me except free fast internet? Just for that sake of downloading I come here and I am sure that I will going to miss this speed when I leave the college. Because in corporate world I can’t download much from organization’s internet. Surely it’s all for work and no play. Can’t invest in faster connection in home because I might not get the time to be at home. But as I am in love with movies and game and content collection to some extent it will be very hard for me to stay away.

I collect books, I collect music. Except these, I delete all the things after use. Its eco-friendly and doesn’t took toll on my storage space. That’s why online distribution is better than anything. It reduces wastage. It has a great potential to reduce cost but as the publishers are greedy they increase the price day by day and only give a little discount on selected days. I once tweeted to steam to open up a virtual store for India and give us some discounts but they refuse to do that maybe because I didn’t get a reply from them and neither they announced any shop for India lately. But they have a huge potential to do that and to eradicate piracy for ever.

Movies and serials can also be sold in India with very low cost and obviously with advertisements and advertisement-free mode to the customers at low and premium rates in this way people will get their daily entertainment without breaking their tight schedule. There is a huge scope of this with the advent of CAS and DTH in India. Companies can also provide faster direct satellite internet service with these. But perhaps our DoT is too much reluctant to do that. Actually there is a huge scope which can be exploited in India but because of the non interest of our government’s side this opportunity is getting lost day by day. Any Indian company is not yet technically competent or financially motivated to do this kind of venture as a solo mission. And foreign companies are ready to exploit the market but they can’t enter here with the political instability of policies but I think that this home market should be used to fill up our home pockets, not the foreign ones. It is true that almost every single thing is either designed by America or made by china in our great nation and we have become only a customer. Where we have the huge potential to be the BOSS.

What you say?

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 4

2014-06-30T10:00:00.001+05:30

But then again what will happen to the people who have done one or couple of mistakes in their life? And what if they have done it for numerous times with numerous people? Will they become so much of untouchable? What is they confess? What it they accept it? Will their truth should be left unappreciated? Should they be left deprived of love?

Suppose you have accepted someone. After sometimes you get a family. Kids and more. What if their previous partner re-appears in their life and again tries to make union with them? They have already done it so doing one more time will do no harm, isn’t it? What if they appear in YOUR life and makes fun of you because you are using their USED product? What it will make of your self-esteem? Suppose people get to know about this, they will make fun of yours, and given the high phatic society of India, they will laugh on your face. What you will do about it? You will have no way but to suicide or live with shame. In this precise moment I would follow the Japanese tradition of Honour.

Okk, if we consider that they didn’t loved them and just had pleasure with them. It proved that they are slut/stud. And if they had feelings for them and they had made love then this feeling of love can’t be abolished. Love is an energy which can’t be finished. At first their consciousness and morality will keep them to commit any mistake but if their love was so passionate it will soon fade away and then you will either end up having a liar’s family, hypocrite partner or a torn apart family. Where everyone is clueless about what’s going on with one another.

Out of frustration either you will do something wrong or start having your own affair with someone else for the need of love care and obviously sex. Because you are not going to touch someone else’s branded meat. Are you? Then tell me my friend, what will happen to your family if you have produced kids? What will happen to their life? Sending them to boarding school will only make them feel unloved and a soul like that will never learn to love anyone and a domino effect will start where they will not purely love anyone and they will never be loyal to anyone.

You can’t measure loyalty. You can’t just make you’re your faith, well if otherwise you didn’t have chosen to stay blind dumb and mum to the incidents around you and chose to follow blindly no matter whom or what. Following something blindly will not only make you look like a fool but also will destroy you like Dhritarashtra.

From my perspective you should live with someone to you are first and foremost priority, more than their own self. Be that person is virgin or non-virgin, had sex for love or pleasure. It’s up to your consciousness my friend. But, if that person makes you feel like THE King/Queen, go for him/her. If they excel in all your tests of loyalty then go for them. Test them. Grind them. Make them bleed and cry but if every drop of their blood and tear says that it loved you, go for them. Never take anything blindly, grow up your faith and then have a full trust or like I do is to trust 100% like baby but keep an eye on them and on their slightest of mistake cut their score mercilessly.

Above all try to respect yourself. A person who knows to respect their self is respected by all and knows to give respect to all. Never take yourself for granted. If you have love written in your luck you will get it in your life no matter from where. Losing a person is not the end of the world. There are plenty in this world, for everyone there is a matching partner. God didn’t made us all just to stay alone.

I tried to tell you all, all the possible aspects and their outcomes of this mindless modern sexuality. I felt the urge to make you all aware of this and also to make myself a clear note. See. I am a human also. I too get confused and when I will become one hell of a confused soul my words will make me think once again because I am a lonely soul and I have no one besides me. I am my only friend. And so are you.

But let me tell you something even more, something i saw in Yahoo! Answers couple of days ago. Someone wrote there in a very good language that "You have to keep reminding yourself that: You are in love with this girl now, been dating her "for a year" and want to have sex with her. Say she was ready for it. Right now. You two had sex. A few weeks later, something went wrong, and you two break up. Then your next girlfriend is just as devastated that you've slept with somebody else. And you love this new girl completely, but you LOVED this other girl, and that's why you did it. You can't take it back, and it felt right at the time, you loved her. You would never do it again NOW, now that you love this new girl, and would take it back if you could, just to make it happy, but in a way you feel like you don't want to erase these memories, they were good while they lasted, but now you're happy with someone else and your feelings have changed.

In this way, maybe you can accept this, or catch her in her lie by just leaving her alone until she's ready to tell you. Until then, leave the sex talk alone, and do the things I suggested before diving right into something serious, and the only thing that can result in pregnancy.

Don't marry a virgin, marry the one you love. You don't have to first, but strive to be her best and her last."

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 3

2014-06-30T09:58:00.002+05:30

I see now a days people get into relationship fast, starts to explorer each other, then have sex just like that, and then leave each other with so called NO HARD FEELINGS and keep on MOVING ON. The current generation is very cool about it. It was not very easy in old times but now thanks to several types and flavours of condom and pills sexuality is a piece of cake. Healthy sex is now considered as variety of sex. Deepthroat, hardcore, bondage, role-play, incest, these are some of the keywords. Sorry for my limited vocabulary, I don’t have much knowledge about all these. I stay away from them. It’s not because I am showing the world how saint I am or showing that I don’t need. It’s because I CAN. And I DON’T NEED. Why? Simply because my self-control. But anyways my postings on this topic is not about showing myself as a good boy. It’s about something bigger. Yes bigger.

Virginity is now a days as cheap as losing it. People don’t feel any guilt for it. It’s like JUST DO IT kind of thing now a days. People don’t feel it like keeping it to themselves. The generation now a days feel that everyone is doing, why shouldn’t we? But the thing is, who are these EVERYONE? This everyone is the youth. I am a youth too and despite of my looks I am a better youth than any tom dick harry out there. Having youth doesn’t means abusing it. It’s a power. And as with all great power, comes great responsibilities. It is our responsibility to make our youth not the cause of regret of future.

Some people argues that sex is a part of love and vice versa. But I say that it’s an outcome of love. It’s not a necessity or product or result of love. It’s a not a mandatory part. It’s not a proof of love. If I would love my partner I would never try to steal their dignity, their self-respect no matter how much they are willing to give it and those people who talk about the sparks of being together forgets that I have also been together with some. Never tried to fuck them. Because what I believe, and what many will disagree to, is that something should come in a series and having sex comes after marriage in my dictionary. Again I am saying that I am not any saint but I don’t want to be any sinner. My morality is my police. And if I cause harm to anyone it will haunt me down always.

Whoever thinks that sex is for fun, is a fool. Who think that sex is just a pleasure is living under tons of lies and I feel pity for them. Because in the end you will all become alone and then you will need only love because sex will not be possible. Now some people are there who thinks that they are over smart. They flirt with, have relationship with hot guys/girls, enjoys their sex life to optimum, and then marries someone with good heart by either making them fool or emotionally weak by feeding them tons of bullshit and they think that they conquered all the odds and got best of both worlds. But then again they forget that there is no power bigger than truth. Yes truth can be bended, adjusted and tailored sometimes to fit with the reality but it can’t be hidden forever. So confession is always the best way of avoiding it. But then again it’s up to the mentality of the other person to accept or reject that person based on the hard truth.

Truth should always be appreciated but not that much which can bend the very fabric of life and mental peace. For example if you have married any non-virgin guy/girl. Could you sleep in peace while they are not in front of your eyes? Tell me the truth. Swear by the name of god and cross your heart with it and then tell me. No you can’t unless you get the 100% faith of their loyalty. One of my friend said “What is lost, is lost forever”. Well soul matters to me more than flesh. But then again we all have our mortal traits. You can trust them with your life but not with your heart. You will always live in a constant fear that while you are away somebody is warming up their bed and it happens to men and women alike. Especially for men because of their very insecure nature.

So would you accept someone who is been with someone better than you? Ask yourself.

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 2

2014-06-30T09:56:00.003+05:30

Now, there comes my version of the story. As I already stated that world has just became the playground for finding the biggest and the best performing body parts. What I think now is that sexuality is good as long as it contains in yourself. It’s not a thing to show off. If you want to enjoy, enjoy with your life partner or with whom you love 100% and more than that. Sex should come from the inner soul. Straight from the heart and not from your wet vagina or hard dick. It should be the ultimate destination of sex. Not the outcome of a date. Every sex should be a lovemaking not just a good fuck. And it should be done with only one partner on which you have locked your soul on not with anyone or everyone.

If it is done violating everything that I have said so far then it’s just for the fleshly pleasure. Then we have no difference from the beasts. Humans are biologically polygamous. It is scientifically proven and a hard truth. Men are here to spread the seeds and females are here to bear and produce fruits from that seed. But by the grade of lord we also have our consciousness. Any act of sex apart from lovemaking is for the pleasure and its only shows the sex hungry beast inside you. It shows your wild side. While it might be considered as cool now but after the glorified days of youth will go away with time and all the sparkles of life with fade away and you will left out with not the regrets of fucking or getting fucked as much and as more as you could but with the deep regret of loneliness & the hunger you can’t quench. Masturbation is ok for me. Though I don’t follow much but its okk from my side. Even couple of years back I took it as a heinous thing to do but I consider it now given that the sudden surge in the libido level of current generations and also the good medical and psychological effects which I have studied.

Okk, I agree that there are people with less libido, normal libido and high libido. I consider myself on a higher side but that doesn’t means that I will throw my morality. No, never. And my moral consciousness is very clear to it. I will only do it with my lawfully wedded wife. But what if she is not a virgin at all? Well if she says me it before marriage or even relationship then I bow down to her truthfulness as I am a disciple of truth. I will consider her only if she is raped, abused, forced or was madly in love with her lover or partner. If they have lost it during masturbation or sports I will consider. I will consider her if she is a divorced one or a widow. I am not so much of an orthodox person, I am a rather very flexible one but even the water don’t forget its nature and so do I. my core principals will stand strong. I mean, what’s a man without any principal and discipline?

But who do sex for pleasure, to quench their thirst of sex. To take any dinner as one night stand, to take any relationship as licence to have a fuck, to have casual sex, to have fuckbuddies, these are some of the so called modern aspect of sexuality which we are adopting from western countries and its justified as we are being fed constant bullshit of western countries in the name of growth. We are bound to behave like them. But as those were not our default nature we will behave like hybrids. People who even take the sex as a pleasure and thinks that sex can be done with anyone or everyone with slightest of liking is nothing but a slut or stud. How to expect any loyalty from them especially after a relationship or a marriage?

They will go after anyone who has a big dig or big boobs. Even after marriage they will not be satisfied because in their earlier life they have tasted BIGGER than you and if they are not slut/stud and fucking/getting fucked by someone else they might take you for granted for you rather small size or low performance in bed. You might not be wild enough in their scale. If they are not having what they think they deserve in their life, for they are sexier than you, and better than you, and if they are not getting it from some other guy or girl, and if they are forced to have a life ONLY with YOU then they might think that they are sacrificing their life. They will think that they are compromising and the will start to demand something more and midlife crisis will occur in your life at an early stage. They will start to live their own life and your family will break into peace. Well, I surely don’t want my partner to fake it just to please me. I want the real thing, real expression from her. People often fake many things at their intimate time and after some days it becomes nothing but formality and even later, hypocrisy. I HAVE SEEN THESE THINGS TAKING PLACE. In many books, literature, in real life. I have seen them all. I can simulate them in my mind. Mind is a powerful tool if used properly.

Isn’t it?

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 1

2014-06-30T09:54:00.001+05:30

It’s been a while since I wrote something from a very logical view. But during this course of time I get to think about something new from a very deeper aspect. From a wider aspect. As I am a bit more of a thinker than doer, I think it was expected from me. No I am not in my potty. But still my concentration level is almost at its optimum level. Whatever I am thinking now is logical. Well the thinking about sex and sexuality is not very uncommon in what the age I am crossing through by the grace of god. But my aspect is little different, my perspective is wide and my approach is little bit well it’s kind of a hybrid I guess so. Well you will come to know about this later in this post.

For someday I was thinking about this. About this whole sex and sexuality thing. First of all there comes this Hindu orthodox thing that I should stay virgin and will only do union with a virgin girl and all those strict things which forbids adultery for normal people like us. I am a Hindu so I talked about Hinduism, I studied other religions also and they also talk the same about it more or less. And secondly there comes this western influenced, so called, modern society, open mentality, current version of sexuality which blasts off all the restrictions of the above specified orthodox thinking. The modern version says that sex is a part of life and it should be accepted as it comes. Have sex, have fun, with whoever doesn’t matter. Its only one life you have so enjoy it as long as possible because this youth is not going to stay forever. And what’s more pleasurable than a good sex? Whats more than having the more?

People often search for better sex partners. It is the search which has started from the very beginning of human kind. Even earlier than the first wheel or spark of light made by man. Someone who can make their bed rock. Someone who is equally good in bed like they are in their respective fields. Boys looks for bigger breasts, Girls searches for bigger penis. In general this is what people mainly look for. People spend more in their sexuality enhancement accessories than they spend for their actual medical bills. This is current statistics. And many people are encasing it for their own means and business. Condoms, pills, under-garments, anything and everything is now a days sold through sex and sexuality. Sexuality has become the new religion for people. Porn magazines, porn videos, porn books are now very common and could be found in any class 5 student’s Chinese phone’s memory card. A good business indeed for selling phones, memory cards, porns and obviously no wonder why mobile service providing is booming in India.

The science of attractiveness is changing continuously. It is dynamic. Today what could be taken as attractive could be discarded as ugly tomorrow. Once the fatty chubby body was considered sexy. Having long hairs was sexy. Then came the era of curvy body. Now its skinny body. It was blonds earlier (for say Madonna) and now even dark skinned girls are on the top list of sexiness (Beyoncé anyone?) so this is very dynamic scenario where nothing is fixed. But then again some key ingredients remained the same. That is essentially & mainly with the size. Shape can be adjusted in the due course of time but size is a must for everyone and everything. Be it from mobile phones to the cloud storage and body parts. Everyone wants larger meat that they can take a bite on.

“Size does matters”. It is said by almost every people any gender alike. It is followed like one of the Ten Commandments. Today people continuously searches and changes partner in the quench of MORE. “The bigger it is, the better”, more size, more money, more power, more curve, more enjoyment, more SEX. The hunger has been increased. The want has become the new need. People crave for the more. They take pills, they do things for making their stuff bigger and better and who has the bigger and better stuffs with them is called the alpha and omega of clan be it for male or female alike. Who has the sexiest of body could rule the world this is now the new mantra. Everything comes easily and naturally to them. They are the centre star of every galaxy.

Isn’t it?

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:53 AM

2014-06-27T10:38:00.002+05:30

Well, still the lab is off while I saw the technician sir here. I have already wrote 2 posts and still there is no sign of opening the lab and starting on the Wi-Fi. But one thing I have seen that I can write one full page of post in MS WORD on an average of 20 minutes and that is a thing to proud for I guess. And it is also that I have many things to write. I might publish my autobiography someday later and those will be compilation of my blogs. Blogging has become my medicine of loneliness. Some may call me mad. As I talk to a website through a machine but aren’t we all doing the same on Facebook. I mean what are those friends except some data bits of Facebook’s American server? Are they real? Most of them are fake as possible they could be.

10:00 AM

This is way too much of waiting I have done for anything. Almost one hour I am here without any internet which I need the most. And I have no alternate way to do so. Feeling bad now. I spent my whole time here writing some posts and yet there is no way to publish them. But no matter what I will not stop writing because this is the one thing that I can do better. I also have to send a SMS to my friend. She sent me a good night wish, that wish made me feel special, and it would be very rude if I don’t reply her back with a SMS though I gave her a missed call but as my one of friend once told me that miss calls are no way of keeping contacts. Anyways day by day Facebook messages which are coming in my mobile phone are getting irritating. I have to find a way to stop them. I only wanted sms of msg which were sent to me through fb by some friend over there but all I am getting all shitty things like postings, comments, and likes that too on some other people’s profile. I don’t know Facebook is doing this intentionally or not just to make people unsubscribe from it by their own will and in turn Facebook will save on some money from sms servers.

No matter what this whole cyber world game is very unpredictable, unstable and fast moving. And I am becoming old school day by day. People were blogging way before the Facebook and after that there was a declining in blogger’s number due to it. Some hybrid service like tumbler too couldn’t keep this number on the other side of the pole. The actual thing is that people like communicating with other more than anything. And the virtual world is giving people super power to becoming what they want and to whom they want. With a single click a looser can become a winner. Power to pretend has increased exponentially.

10:15 AM

I went to the other lab and saw that Wi-Fi is not present there also. Maybe there is some problem taking place today in either of my devices I am not sensing even the Wi-Fi node’s presence. I chose not to disturb the technician sir and nag about this to him. But the waiting is becoming unbearable. I didn’t came to college in this morning to just to listen to my music collection that I can do in my home also. But i don’t know I am workaholic or not but if somehow my work gets disrupted I get so furious and right now my good feeling for today is fading away slowly and my rage is coming out of me.

I knew there would be some problem coming because I am feeling good but let’s see who wins. I will be holding my calm no matter what. Bring it on god. All the wrath you can usher upon me. I am here. I will be here to endure them all. I will not lose without a fight because apart from a lover I am a fighter also. Luckily I saw technician sir now and told him to please start the wifi. And I saw him switching it on and I don’t know what going to happen next but I certainly hope for the good. As I already said I hope for the best and expect the worst from everything that’s coming in my way from start to end. There was no good happened to me till date and if anything happened I understood that this is it. Problem is on its way.

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:30 AM

2014-06-27T10:37:00.001+05:30

Okk, the lab is still closed and I am really worried about it. I mean I have lots of things to do besides downloading and I need internet ASAP. Well now a days I am writing too much just because I feel that slowly Facebook is becoming a big turn off in my life. It’s not just enough to express myself and people are so dumb there that they actually believe that sharing some post of liking on something will bring the Jesus to the earth. What the heck they were thinking anyways? I have seen morons but they explain a really another level of moronism, if there is anything like that actually. Twitter I use just to contact with my mobile and internet service providers to express my grievance publicly. Because I see that they response there quicker than any call to helpline.

Students have already came to the department for their daily training and I am fearing about losing my slot of the packet data. But anyways as they always say “Jindegi Jhand hay, fir bhi ghamand hay”, till I am alive there is hope. And the hope is something which keeps everyone alive or kill. Either ways it’s a powerful thing which can motivate as well demolish. There is a faint discrimination between hope and expectation. While hope says that there will be good soon, expectation says good is coming. Now hope stays static and it is up to the beholder’s patience level. But expectation increases exponentially if even the slightest glimpse of hope is seen. That’s why expectation hurts more than having hope.

And it’s very humane to have hope and falsely take it to the level of expectation. Human mind can’t differentiate between them commonly. And there is another interesting thing about the expectation that no matter what people always expect for good and the expectation is not always logical, it is sometimes based on vague interpretation of surroundings and they often proves themselves fake. And whose expectation proves right they call it their sixth sense but as world’s renowned mentalists and deception specialists have said that the sixth sense is nothing but the amalgation of all five senses. And no matter how negative the person is, the expectation always turns into a positive one and this is where it contradicts with the people’s nature. People who are alive never expect to die. They always have hope to live more and more. That defies logic. But still ask any teenager they will certainly tell you about being superman.

But if the insight of philosophers are studied correctly and interpreted with correctness then anyone can realise the fragility of life and its existence. The base of hope and the thorns of expectations. That’s why in every holy book it’s told not to hold expectation while they always increases the hope for good in the people. God said in those books, no matter from which religion they are, I simply take them as alien life form, anyways, they always told that they will come to save. But when some girl is being raped by 17 people one after another where is that god? There is always evil. So I don’t think there exists any being like god. Some of his works are very unfair and again there is a justification for that in the books of gods. They say that the gods work defies the logic of mere human brain but that still can’t explains the necessity of getting raped by 17 people. Please god explain to me. If we were all created in the image of your’s and if there is some little bit of god inside us then how can god allows another 17 gods (!) to abuse one god? It contradicts his words.

Maybe god was having a good time with alcohol while he delivered his speech. It happens often with the man of power. We have seen it from the medieval days. People talking shit while drunk. Maybe god does that too. Because apart from the power of teleportation and amazing weapons of mass destruction they also created demigod by fucking humans (that also explains the sudden evolution of humankind) and declaring wars.

So expectation is good as long as it doesn’t defies the logic. Hope is essential as long as you keep your sanity. Isn’t it?

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:10 AM

2014-06-27T10:36:00.000+05:30

Good Morning. I am at my college again and I am in time I guess. The lab is still off. I hope sir is coming soon. Well this morning time is very essential for me as I already told you guys many time. This is kind of a power-play for me. Today I hope to get more movies than yesterday because I got a vantage point this time. I am not sharing it in here but I guess people will come to know eventually. The morning is not so good. I woke up with some nightmare in my eyes and well this time by lord’s grace I don’t remember it, I guess it was scarier than I can handle. And in morning I saw one of my friend’s SMS written good night in it. Well I switched off the mobile last night. I am doing this for 2 days now. I don’t want to hold any expectations from it. If I could then I would have terminated my mobile subscription for ever because I don’t want to become any person’s helpline service. When they need me they find me and when I need then they simply disappear. I don’t want any people to perform any DUTY to me. No one is obliged to me and I don’t want drones under me. I am not anyone’s slave and I am no one’s master also.

This after semester time will soon run out and I will be hard boiled with the burden of next semester and I am prepared for it. Bring it on. It doesn’t matter to me that I am from IIM / IIT / NIT or not. I am a passionate person and I have done some things which no people dreamt of. And anyways fighting every breath for a little amount of happiness can only be compared as the gold miners from the era of American Gold Rush. They too dig up all the dirt to get a gram of gold. This is called passion towards life. No matter I am a pessimist or optimist. This passion has no alternative. I am feeling full of life this time. Though ii know I am constantly telling lie to myself but maybe this lie is my life. This lie is what filled me with power. No matter die or live today I will celebrate my last breath. This is my promise today. Though my daily horoscope is telling otherwise but who cares. If I start to care about everyone’s junk then I will lost my self. Listening to any mindless person is as good as listening to an empty vessel. I want to hear to the mountains, to the sky. As they will keep on remind you about your own soul. They have a way to touch your heart and to show you the truth.

Sometimes we all need to take off our coloured glasses of life to actually enjoy the life. Sometimes to see the world you have to get out of it. Sometimes the darkness will make you realise the importance of light. Because without another, one has no existence. Writing a blog every day is a very nice thing to do I consider that because I have no one to talk and the only thing I talk to is my laptop perhaps as it’s a very loyal friend to me. Never complains about anything. Runs silently and always responses. Today I am feeling more connected to myself though as a matter of fact I was refused from my home for any money for the latest movie of Transformers. Now what can I do about it? I am dependent on them. Can’t complain about the free things. Right?

When I open Facebook now a days, I see all people are either settled or on the verge of settling down with someone or something. I should settle down with myself first. Yesterday I saw a couple sitting together holding each other’s arms in my known fast food shop where they were enjoying each other’s company more than egg-chicken roll. I felt so good watching them. Somewhere my emptiness told me that THIS is life. This is the moment to cherish for. I didn’t felt any anger, jealous, sorrow, hatred I felt calm and peace. I felt happiness. Maybe this is because I don’t have any, and they were radiating happiness everywhere. No matter what it was good. It’s not that the boy is too handsome or the girl is too beautiful but they are complimenting each other and this is what really matters. The compatibility is the main ingredient of every relationship be it a friendship, love or marriage. Without it the relation becomes nothing but a hollow shell which slowly turns into a cage or iron and from which people desperately try to get out and finally they break all the vows and go berserk on it. I don’t want to become a caged animal. I am free and I keep other people free also.

This is my life’s motto. To be free, to stay free. Cheers to the freedom. Long live the freedom.

Thursday – 26/06/2014

2014-06-26T16:52:00.001+05:30

9:15AM

Good morning my friends. I am again at the college. Again for the downloading. Again will follow the same routine to find new movie and game torrents at some specific sites. Again I will find the Hindi & English songs at some specific sites. Will view Facebook. Wish birthdays. I will watch people getting into relationship and getting engaged, married and will wish them on that. Will check my mail and will delete all the spams from the inbox after marking them as spam. Will check my other email accounts and clear out the junks. I will then again start to struggle to download at a proper speed. Will run here and there, this floor and that floor to get Wi-Fi signal. Will curse on people who are responsible for my this misery and then when my struggle will finally end at 5pm, I will go straight to my permanent fast food stall and will have exactly one plate of veg chow with lots of chili sauce and veggies and lods of mutton gravy.

4:06PM

Again I am starting to write my incomplete posting. One more hour left for me here. Today I got good speed maybe it’s because I found a good place to download and also I got clarification of lots of things. I realizes that a male is only worth of his position in any company and his bank balance. The psychology of a girl’s parent are like this. If the person willing to marry their daughter is working in private company then he have to be in the position of VP, CEO, CFO, MD or something equivalent of that. Self-business will be accepted if you ae one of Tata Birla Ambani Goyenka etc. if you are government employee then for rail and bank you have to be in a post greater than equal to Regional Manager. Of you have to be MLA, MP, IPS, IAS etc. and if their daughter is beautiful and somewhat sexy then anything below the point of NRI is just unacceptable. And if by chance the person is a student then anything below the rank of IIM IIT NIT is just waste of the daughter’s parent’s time.

Updated my tab with lots of music. Some of them are really good. Hearing them on loop is feeling nice. So the melody haven’t died from the world. There might be some special class or seminar will take place because our principal came to visit classes with two other people whom I don’t know. I am such a fool that I forgot to even wish him because I because so unprepared for his arrival. Actually it was totally unexpected. I was just froze. Actually I was watching a movie. With my headphones on. I don’t know what he thought about me that moment but as a known face of the department he might expected a wish from me and I disappointed him.

In my life I disappointed many people. May be I disappointed my last so called GF by saying that getting into IIM IIT is not possible for me now and becoming IAS or IPS is also not possible. Finally she said to get the fucking out of her life. And I will do that for sure. I mean I won’t be wasting my time for her because she is a dead end and I realised that today. I am only worth of my pocket and my pocket is empty now. I disappointed my parents many times. Maybe I have disappointed my best friends also. Otherwise why they would turning their face on me? But there is nothing I can do now. I am just like that. A big fat looser maybe.

She just prove my mother right once again. My mom told me that her father won’t be giving up his daughter to me because I am poor and belong to a poor family. Maybe experience comes with the price of white hairs. But anyways I myself like to have the experience in the first hand term. Strangers are good at talking that I realised now a days. Because I don’t have friends and it’s better to talk to friends than to people who just pretend friendly.

I hate human nature to pretend… it’s a big turn off.

Another Chapter Closed…

2014-06-25T12:25:00.001+05:30

As I have already told all of you in my previous blog that I am on a blogging spree and the god is keep on giving me incidents after incidents to write upon. And luckily I am not writing on a paper otherwise it would have been a huge waste. But if now I don’t write I will not find any other time because my mind has become very unstable now. Just a few moment ago our so called relationship broke up. She couldn’t bear the pain of getting tormented day by day by her family and extended family. Well I will not keep any hard feelings for her. She was crying and I don’t know that those were real or not and as my nature goes I will not become Sherlock to find out again this time. I chose to believe and keep my calm in me. It’s not that I will die without her but surely one part of myself is killed today. Killed by some people whom I will never forget and I curse them hell. The people who are part of this conspiracy will die and let pain be their only friend. If I am true and there is Brahmin alive in me. Let there be my wrath rain upon them.

I hope someday her parents will understand the value of me and they had to understand it. I leave the god the judgement of it and he will judge out the things for me. This time I want to see them bleed in agony. Anyways as I am keeping my calm. I will see till the end. Well my plan of not giving up without a fight has failed again because the person for whom I decided to fight for has broken all the connections. One of my brother said that not every dream comes true but what the hell? None of my dreams come true. They never did.

I told her to wait for me till I get the job but I am not expecting anything. ANYTHING at all. This chapter maybe again the smallest chapter so far in my life of just about 4- 5 days. Things are getting great day by day. Isn’t it? Last time it was at least 14 days, now it’s much less. I guess next chapters will go on hour and minute basis.

Okk again my internet has been cut off. Nah I am not hating this. No matter what happens today nothing will compare to the pain I had to endure for some shitheads. Internet cuts all the time and gets back no matter how much time it needs to come back but in my case nothing comes back. Maybe moving forward is the nature of them all. I know after some days new semester will commence, new people will come to college, after my MBA exam I will enter into another phase of my life. The job seeking life and I know I will get some. But again what is use of all these? Nothing. They never mattered for me. I always seek for the soul. Soul is the only thing which matters. Love care affection loyalty honesty honour these are part of my life. And I don’t have most of them currently that’s why I don’t think I am alive. I am not dead either but I am somewhere in zombie state.

Dreaming of happiness is like a sin. I am cursed forever. But I will keep on fighting till I collapse. I know many more things are yet to come to me. I am all alone to fight with them in battle. May be the war is the only thing in my life. Battling over inside out. I am on verge of losing my sanity over here. And I have no one to help me with. I am all alone. Sometimes I get suffocated of telling all these. What’s the use of crying all aloud and increasing the cyber junk with my blogs if no one is going to listen to it? Right now I hate everyone. It’s not in my nature to hate or hold the grudge but it’s happening again. I know it will stay for some time. And then it will go away but it will never fade because the older I am growing day by day my memory is becoming sharper and I may forgive easily but I mark my enemies and never forget them. People are nothing but animals and they deserve to be treated like one. Some people just came under the level of animals for me and they will be treated like that from me in future. and there will be no mercy for them. I wish them all getting slaughtered in hell.

And if god won’t help me. I will help myself.

In My College - Wednesday - 25/06/2014

2014-06-25T11:24:00.000+05:30

I am now in college the college lab is still off, meaning the Wi-Fi is also off, though the internet runs all the time in my college but without the Wi-Fi I have nothing, the external Ethernet port that was hanging in front of the teachers room was removed for the purpose of colouring the wall as a part of maintenance of college. Well, I am planning to recover it after the paint jobs are done so that I can get some RAW speed there even after the closure of the Wi-Fi. I am wondering where the technician sir is. Well I am here certainly for downloads and during this training time of other departments it’s very hard to get proper download speed constantly so that I come at early because this early almost 45 minutes is my powerplay time if there is no problem in the network. Because their training starts from 10am and I get into the room at almost 9:05am. It is powerplay because I get the full bandwidth this time with no disturbance. I have downloaded many games including the latest Wolfestine which is about 43GB with the help of college’s fast net. I used to download 35GB in average everyday now I hardly get 8GB due to the immense load on the Wi-Fi network here because of high concentration of students busy downloading porn. I see no one interested about games or movies or songs even. All they want is porn and more porn and in HD is possible and YouTube videos of song. It’s not about the songs again, it’s about the video that interests them.

While I keep on struggling to get 1KBPS they use their distributed speed to download. Is the porn is so much of a need? Why I don’t feel for so? My ex-girlfriends know how much libido I have to the exact quotient but still I don’t do it because of my consciousness and I am amazed to see that they have done with their morality. It’s really a shame to see that. Anyways they go hell with their things, I am more concerned about mine. And I am not getting what I need. Still I have many games to do. And there are games waiting to get released soon and I want them as soon as they are available. I am patient about downloading them but I am not patient about getting them. I want them and fast. It’s like a race to get them all before anyone. No I am not into a piracy and I am not going to distribute or sell them. I support the companies and when I will get huge money I am surely buy them. But just for now I am borrowing some of their work so that I can entertain myself. I don’t think that entertainment is just for the filthy rich people. It’s meant for all. This is the true meaning of freedom.

Okk.. seems like I am on a blogging spree I let my inner voice guide me through it. I am writing all about my mind. I am kind of emptying it here so that one day if anyone wants to know about me they can know it from the comfort of their home and hopefully my blog will survive at least 6 more months after I die. Well I don’t seek immortality, my life is already seems to be a great burden and curse on me and I don’t want any more of this. I don’t care either if my blog stays or not, I mean who gives a shit about someone’s life’s semi-biography? None. They why should I care for it. And I am also done with catchy topic names. I simply writing day’s name now a days and I am thinking about starting the hash code system in my blog, finding a right spot to do so, because that would make more sense and more suspense to my blog because people are getting the topic just from the subject and thus they become less interested in reading the full content so I have to apply my MBA knowledge in it.

But no matter what I do or apply. Does it really matters? I don’t know. Never saw it working for me. I have some magazines to read and some songs to listen but I am finding no inspiration to do so. I take my hard disk space seriously and I don’t like to waste it. I like digital contents because they are eco-friendly and I can always delete some to get more space in my HDD. I seriously need some more RAM for my laptop because its hanging very much now a days and due to this huge reading writing pressure of my internal hard disk its needed very much and not to forget the other applications which are getting updated every day along with the windows which is again updated from time to time and with each iteration of the update they are demanding more ram and room on HDD to work on. I am really having problem to keep up space on my OS Drive as it is an SSD storage its storage very costly to me.

Let’s see what new I can come up with to do it.

Wish me luck…

My Regret - Part 2

2014-06-25T11:21:00.002+05:30

It’s a matter of a man’s dignity to estimate his value in someone else’s life and in time get out from there when there is still any respect left in that person’s heart. Because soon it will become empty and then they will kick you out of their life. Another regret is about me being not a living citizen of Kolkata. If I would be a citizen there I could have become a better friend to my best friend and probably to many other people. But no, I am not. I am a citizen of a place where shitheads live. Kolkata is a very happening place, none of its citizen wants to demote themselves and com to any place lower than this. They all want to migrate to a better place and if not possible then want to stay there. So it’s logical for her to not accept me. I am not living there, I am not be at her help if she would need me. And anyways that place was always being full filled by her boyfriend, even when he was not her boyfriend. I am too fool to see the bond between them.

But then again despite of all my wisdom and thinking of getting out of it didn’t worked on me because somehow I am addicted to her. Maybe this is love or I am simply addicted like an alcoholic. Whatever be the reason I feel connected to her. She knows everything about me but does she really knows me? That’s is the question. She knows my habits. But what about me? The fact is that maybe I can’t grasp this bitter pill that she is not mine now. She was never mine though. She wanted a normal stable life and she had it. Am I just being jealous of her too? If that is so then it would be a sin for me. I am already a big sinner. Don’t want to increase my burden any more.

I have seen many strange things in my life which otherwise could be labelled as normal by other people who haven’t experienced them but just head of them. The moral my story, when I love/like someone they don’t, when someone like/loved me, I don’t find any feelings and when we both love/like each other some external factors comes into the scene and this time its family problem which have come between me & my new found like. Uncertainty is certainly a curse and it causes immense pain. Our relationship doesn’t have a proper future as of now. I don’t know she will fight for me or not. As far I understood, she will NOT fight for me. She will stay in safe. And I too can’t do anything about it because what’s the point of fighting for someone who is so afraid of fighting for me?

Everything was so perfect between us. Our likes dislikes family positions…. Well most of it. I feel a supernatural cosmic connection with her. She has everything which I like and she says its same feeling in her side too. I am not saying that I don’t have any regrets and disappointments in this chapter but those could be lived with or dealt with in due course of time in future and I will also not say that I didn’t found any loopholes in her story but still I chose to believe her fully without going into conflict and digging up the things. No matter whatever she is doing with me, I will not lose my calm this time. If she is making a fool out of me, I will let her do so until I lose my appetite of her bullshit and if she really loves me she will fight for me and the time will show it to me. Time shows it all. It has shown me everything so far, some I chose not to see and to some I gave a blind eye but still that doesn’t changes the truth. And the truth is I am abused and played with by many like a football and still I am alive and kicking.

I am a survivor. This is my life. To keep fighting. Sometimes it feels so bullshit to me that I lose my calm and again anger takes place and at the end the regret of doing so. So you see my life is full of regrets. My physical, mental states, my financial condition, my studies, my life everything is filled with utmost regrets. I have no one to share them. And who will want to share those with me. What in it for them? Nothing but darkness. So it’s my fight and my fight alone. I need no partner in it. People are welcome and they are free to leave. I won’t be hold on to anyone. People are selfish and they always find the way to use other people for their own purpose. In my male life I saw most of the females doing so. Keeping and driving us like drones while they are enjoying life like a hive queen and maybe it’s true also to my opposite gender counterpart also.

There is no end of regrets and it keeps on increasing exponentially when someone thinks of it again and again and again…. But what regrets leave us with is more regrets. Isn’t it?

My Regret - Part 1

2014-06-25T11:18:00.000+05:30

No one in this world wants to live with regrets. I have no choice but to sleep every night cursing myself, wake up every morning full of disgust. This is my world, full of hatred. Couple of days later one of my classmate told me to start loving myself. How could I just start to love myself? What I have to love in me? I am hated by all. I have no stable life and love. Whoever I loved is lost now. Gone forever from my life and I have to live with this regret, forever. I have been a loser in every aspect of my life. I have already told about them many times here and none of you saw it perhaps. Why would you? And that’s again another regret. I really wanted my life in a book so that people can actually read that and get to know what the life of a loser fellow like mine is, feels. It’s very bad to be Ramen. I am writing this blog in morning time. Even before anyone can tell me Good Morning. Well most of the time it’s me who tell the first because all other people are so damn busy in their life and they don’t care about me.

Care is a very small word with a very big meaning. In today’s world no one cares for anyone and you can hardly find anyone here. If you are so damn lucky you will get many people who will care for you even you show them your middle finger. I am talking about all those “princesses” in Facebook for which boys are giving away their hearts. And there are darksiders, who are invisible persons over the same domain.

I have already lost my male best friend to some random girl whom he is loving from past 5 or 6 years. Had an illusion that I have my female best friend, despite of the fact that she is too committed from 2 or 3 years, but no, the matter is, I never had her, how could I lost someone whom I never had? So I had none, I lost none. And now I am very afraid to have anyone. I tried and I failed to make new friends, if I got lucky, I failed to see their friendliness. Everyone is just spending their pastime with me in Facebook. When they need me, the care, the support, a shoulder, they come to me and when their work is done with me, they throw me away like a wrapper of chocolate. Maybe this is the 2014’s way of sucking up on people’s hope. I don’t know why people shows me hope. Breaking a hope after showing is the worst kind of evilness. And in the end they will blame me for having an expectation. What an irony isn’t it?

People giving hope, breaking them and going away are justifying their cause and becoming good while the people like me, whose heart got broken in due cause are becoming jerk in the eyes of common people. Why? Just because we dared to hope or expect some good outcome from them. We couldn’t become selfless monk and couldn’t follow “Srimad Bhagwad Geeta” to its optimum.in 2014, we are the sinners. Our sin is to believe, to hope, to expect, to trust.

To my so called female best friend, her dream is everything to her, there should be no compromise, in her words she loves them and her whole life is dedicated for them. Fair enough, we all have some dreams, well I HAD, I don’t now, anyways, then comes her favourite people, ranging from her family, extended family and in-laws. Obviously she has a rocking love relationship again with her dream-man. She has a dream family. Everything is good to her. But where am I in her life? There is no me. I am not a part of her dream. I am just a phone of friend who now gets 30 minutes of her time in 1 or 2 days. We used to talk whole night and if not we were talking for whole day, now she is too busy in her dreams that I might have become her nightmare. Her dark past, her guilt trip to down memory lane. I am not telling she is bad or bad to me. In front of me she is always good but I am talking about the impact I have in her life. She won’t do anything I would tell her, she will only do that if she feels good for it. She won’t obey me. None of her family likes me, for the reason unknown. None of her friends know about me, talks about me, I am like a hidden truth in her life. She won’t talk about me to anyone. What would you call it? It will be very easy for her to escape and break all the remaining faint links we have. And I know our time has come to an end. Soon she will be married and everything will be lost. She is too busy now in her dream life and would become busier in her future dream life. She thinks I am unhappy about her living her dream or getting her dream job or getting into a song school, she thinks I am jealous of her boyfriend (yes I am), and best friends at school and life, no I am not. I am just too sad about myself because somewhere I am getting deprived. From many a times I stopped calling her from my side. She gives miscall and I call in back. I left it to her. And I can see how it is declining day by day. And it will come to zero soon. I just want to see when, despite of all her sweet talkings, I want to see WHEN……

Thoughts in My Serenity - Part 3

2014-06-23T10:13:00.004+05:30

Though it’s a morning time and I am not feeling waves in my mind though I am writing this post because I felt that I need to write something. Today is my viva exam and presentation of my project of my MBA. I am not very anxious about it but rather I’m anxious about my life’s exam that I am going on through, on each day, on each moment. I am getting tangled into a kind of relationship in which one part of my mind don’t want to fall and another part of myself is pushing me towards. I am in a peculiar dilemma. None is here to save me and I find no god taking avatar to solve my problem maybe he is too confident on the part of god already inside me. I am alone but I never was desperate so much. I sent new people, message in Facebook but I never flirted with anyone. Finding a proper friend is not a bad thing but due to the severe middle class Indian high phatic mentality, getting a new message, written a mere “Hi” in it seems like a love proposal to many and they call me desperate public but sensible people knows that it’s not the truth. Poking is again not like killing someone, the Facebook illiterates should know that poking function is there just to grab the attentions of someone. There is nothing to freak out about it. If I wanted to get the girls, I could have get the girl, I have enough money to get some, but I am not like them. This is the main problem. I am not like them and that’s why I am an outcast. Some people even think of me like an abomination. But it’s their thinking, not mine, and I feel sorry for them. And I even forgive people and this sometimes make me feel like some sort of messiah. Lol. Jokes apart, it’s a part of my life which I always have to deal with. I forgive and hence I was taken as granted by people.

Anyways, that’s not where my sorrow lies. It’s about my own life. I rarely give any priority to my virtual world because what are they apart from being some data bits on some random American server? I mean really who are they? What are they? Do I know them? Touch them? Feel them? The answer is NO and they come and go like the spike and surge on the bandwidth. So I don’t really feel any reality with them. I have given enough information about me to prove that I am real and people contact me with their problem and I try to solve them and that’s it. There is no need of them to peep into my life. People might think that I am a nosy person because when I see someone in grief I want to know the cause and if by any chance they feel safe to share they do it and after that they think that I forced them to tell me their hidden truth which was not the case. People often forget that it’s just because of their sorrow they shared it with me. I never forced, I can’t force anyone to do with my will. People still got free will in this free country. And I am not a hypnotist. Like one of my life’s love told me once “you show-off that you care”. It’s the basic problem with the people, when they will get none who cares they will complain about it and when they get any they will complain again. Maybe its very truth that even god don’t understand properly what human really wants and if that human is of female species then even god have to google about it.

But then again some friends I got from Facebook. They are good. Well at first they all seem good but later they show their true colours. So I go many people and in the due process I love even more. Now I don’t care about it anymore. My profile is like a motel. People come, they stay and they leave without any trace or any promise of coming back and I don’t keep any record of this either. But when I lose some people whom promised me that they would never leave or backstab, and when they do it, it really pains me a lot because after all I am an emotional person and no matter how much I try to protect me behind an attitude firewall I will always have an vulnerability of being a fool. It’s so easy to trap me, lie to me, betray me, make a fool of me, keep me in darkness but as I believe on the truth, its comes to me eventually, maybe at the cost of time but still it comes to me. And when I get to know the truth I leave because where there is no truth, there is no god, no life. “Satyam Shivam Sundaram” truth is beautiful and truth is god. I will not say that god is great because he was never in my case but still I believe in energy no matter in which form is it.

Pray for my exam, will you? Bye. Have a nice day.

Thoughts in My Serenity - Part 2

2014-06-23T10:09:00.004+05:30

I did get detached from some days. Maybe you will call it childish but I call it prevention of self-dignity. This is the one thing that we humans have perhaps. It’s not my ego. I stopped the communication & taking any kind of money and also I found some place nearby to live because I desperately wanted to get out of this house. Where there is no freedom and respect that place should be left quickly as the management guru Chanakya said. But at the time of operation of my mom I had to help them, as for my humanity goes but the wounds will never heal... they leave the scars. I always keep to myself. And I will keep to myself always. Because there is no one in this mortal world who have the slightest power to understand me and who don’t understand me is simply not with me. Only another Ramen could have understood me. And there is only one version of me, ME. Many claimed, many had glimpses, but everyone failed to get me fully. This is the tragedy with me. Either I am bigger than their capability of comprehension or I left a tiny mark in their consciousness. Either ways, I am an invisible man, ignored one and I take it as a complement. I like my serenity though it’s not my Zen of solitude, it’s something I never tasted of, but I’m thrived to.

I saw my friends turning back on me yet while receiving help from me. Every door I knocked for help was closed on my face and then I realised that my role is to provide help not to get any. God didn’t made me dependent on others. I am on my own. I wanted help for movies, I let down. I wanted help with games, I turned down. When I was downloading them, the god let me down by providing various problems. My downloads were getting corrupted. I am not getting the contents. But having faith on the saying that slow but steady pace always wins the race, I continued my journey of a downloader. College net was not sufficient this time because too much user online there. But I have no other medium to collect my contents. Even I received 2KBPS speed when I was supposed to get 2MBPS speed. But still I never back down.

While in the hospital it was a very strange experience of sudden panic when I saw my mother crying from immense pain and getting suffocated. I thought one time that this is it and she is going to collapse anytime now. I prayed & chanted ancient Buddhist mantras all the time and sometimes later she did get relieved. Don’t know what worked and how and I don’t care about it now. She is alive and well and that’s all for me. I did my duty of being a son and I am now off. The hospital was a cheap one because we couldn’t afford a very good one. The atmosphere was not very good there. It was a totally veg area. Anytime of non-veg was not allowed within the compound and that pissed me off so much. Because I am a hard-core non-veg person. Can’t really live without onions, garlic, chicken, mutton, eggs. Not a very fond of fishes unless it’s Hilsha, Vetki or prawn. Even I love soybeans but without onion garlic. No sorry I don’t want to eat anything. The dormitory was pathetic and the toilets are awful. The person who made the hospital wasted the lands donated to him by making temples and structures but not providing basic and clean necessities.

I took my tab there was it proved no use there as I am not very fond of being connected all the time and also the network in Raniganj was pathetic. The electricity was interrupted all the time because of load shedding. Can’t use the laptop and watch movies at that time because of the tension. And also there was not enough space and ambience to do so. Came to know many things about life there, saw deaths, realised how short life is. But later I thought that what I can do about this. There are no coincidence in this world and everything is connected.

From the inside of an uncertainty of our friendship, it survived quite miraculously. Now we are friends and talking over phone sometimes when she feels it safe to talk. But then again the question remains the same. FOR HOW LONG? I lost everything precious in my life. And in every Durga Puja I lose something. Maybe this time it will be she? Because I have nothing dear to me this time, the only thing that I am afraid of losing is her. Maybe the only way of not losing her is to lose her now and have no feelings so that she will not get lost again. I don’t know what to do.

I only know that I have to do…