The Boy: We watched a film about sthexth today at school.
Me: What’s that?
TB: Sex.
M: Ah. Why do you say it like that?
TB: I don’t know. I just don’t like saying it.
M: Fair enough. So did you learn anything.
TB: Oh yeah; I learned a lot. But at the beginning, they asked who could tell the difference between boys and girls. Everyone raised their hands, and I was one of the people picked…
M: Oh no.
TB: Yeah, so they brought us up to the front, and showed us pictures. We were supposed to decide if the people in the pictures were girls or boys…
M: I’m going to have to write a letter, aren’t I?
TB: But the pictures were all noses.
M: Wait… noses?
TB: Yep. I just had to guess.
M: So, are you sure they were noses?
TB: Yes Dad, they were definitely noses.
M: Awesome.

In honor of the occasion, I’m going to dust off an awesome, old-school thsexth film.

Check out the nose on her!

Rachel was a part of my closest circle of friends, spanning junior high and about half of high school. We were a living John Hughes movie, or at least thought we were. Through the miracle of the internet, I’m in some form of contact with nearly all of them, although very little of it is direct. I had just reconnected with Rachel through Facebook about 3-4 months ago after 16 years. After dealing with her fair share of drama and unpleasantness, she seemed really grounded and happy. A psychology degree was imminent. Things seemed to be going right. A few months later, she’s the first one of us to go. It’s scary, depressing, and an overall stomach punch.

At the end of the day, I find myself wondering if all of the technological ‘help’ was a good or bad thing. Everything happened so quickly, and it was extremely impersonal. Overall I think that it was good though, if for no other reason than the fact that the internet allowed me to connect with her during the last few months of her life, to satisfy my nagging curiosity, and to remember her as happy.

• When we hired CC, who looked like Groundskeeper Willie and whose son looked like Hans from The ‘burbs? That was awesome.
• The Christmas party in Indiana? They flew us in, and I was happily buzzed by the time we touched down. You gave me your drink tickets, and I got the pilots’ as well. We held court at our table, and the husband of a fellow employee said that I looked like George Clooney. For the flight down, I was up 100 bucks in the blackjack game. I may have broken even for the whole trip.
• My first ever speeding ticket on a different trip to Indiana? Fortunately the cop laughed when I told him I was pretty sure you’re supposed to drive the hell out of a rental.
• Penny hanging up on you because you called her an idiot? Or responding to AF when she asked if she was getting fired with, “We’ll talk about it later.” By the way, I’m certain Penny’s modeling career took off.
• The client who died in St. Louis over July 4th weekend one year? Nice enough guy, but we were more pissed that we would have to re-train someone else on their balky printer.
• Tapeball? How many different rulesets did we create with that? How awesome was it when we had a cardboard tube to use as a bat? How many people in our building did we piss off? You know what? Screw them. It’s been nearly 10 years now, and they don’t care anymore, while we’ve got some awesome memories and records.
• The day you identified for me the next candidate for the department’s molester? It occurred to us simultaneously that it would be our third. Wow.
• The night we worked late, and when you got home, there were flowers. Your daughter cheerfully told you that they were for your wife, from her boss. For her birthday. That you had forgotten. Seems like you wound up taking a weekend trip a few days later to make up for it
• Liquor? I hardly know her! Our own version of “that’s what she said.” Moisturizer? Fertilizer? Butter?
• The time I had a room named after me at the Stockyard Steakhouse in Nashville? The $700 in bar tabs that AB and I ran up the last night? The origin of Ruff Duff? I miss JB; he was one of the good ones.
• Remember on that same trip to Nashville how I sacrificed a drink to ditch a troll? It was a tough call, but I’d do it again. Plummer? I hardly know her!
• The night we ate sushi, because you couldn’t find anyone else to eat it with you? It didn’t sit well with me, but you were the one who got sick the next day. I credit that to the whiskey I drank later. We experienced the best random pseudo-celebrity sighting ever.
• The frog coffin?
• Seeing the initials MJO in source code, and crying a little on the inside?

I’m sure there’s more. You post them.

But this time was different. I wasn’t just ready; I was getting impatient. I needed to see what she looked like, sounded like, and smelled like. Now that she’s here, I couldn’t be happier. I’m completely smitten with this little girl. I’m not one to spoil, well, anyone, but I can’t help it with this one. I’ll do my best to make sure I don’t overdo it, but I make no promises.

Sleep, which was so difficult to achieve literally for years, is easy now. Those who know me realize just how amazing that is. Gone are the days of avoiding caffeine after noon. I can sleep at night.

I know that I’ve learned a lot in the past 13 years, and that I’ll do a better job now than I did at age 21. In a way I feel badly about that, but it can’t be helped. Also, in 10-12 years, I’m going to be the scariest entity in the lives of many junior high boys.

So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Mucus Plug

This experience has changed me. I know that I will never be the same. It is my own personal Omaha Beach, as sad as that is. I feel like I’m ready for anything now.

But I’m mainly just ready to not hear that phrase again.

I’m sleeping in on Monday.

GLASTONBURY, England, Nov. 3 (UPI) — A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to “Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.”

The Glastonbury, England, teenager — originally named George Garratt — said his new name, which is thought to be the world’s longest, has so outraged his grandmother that she is no longer speaking to him, The Telegraph reported Monday.

The teen said he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee.

“I wanted to be unique,” Captain Fantastic said of his name choice. “I decided upon a theme of superheroes.”

19 years old, and he’s already sick of having sex. Now that’s just sad.

I’m going to just go ahead and deflect the inevitable “American Pastime” jokes by pointing out that Matt Stairs is Canadian.

Feel free to commence with the “City of Brotherly Love” jokes.