My Publicly Private Lounge

Caged Moments. Freed Words.

2012-01-29T20:17:00.001+06:00

Two skipped heart beats,

Blush on the pimpled cheeks,

A mystic smile at one corner...

But mind says,

"I've got dreams...

Dreams to remember..."

Comfort in Pain

2012-01-23T21:46:00.000+06:00

I guess it's time I run far, far away;
Find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same;
It just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words;
It's just tears and rain.

~ Tears and Rain (James Blunt)

I'm tired of liking you too much. I can't seem to figure out the reason yet. It raises expectation. It hurts. It frustrates me. And I'm left with a sense of emptiness in the end. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm losing modesty. I want to move on. I want to get you off my head. But the saddest part is, you still make my heart skip a beat.

The Process Begins...

2012-01-15T23:32:00.001+06:00

It's amazing when you have someone who loves you and takes care of you with all the negativity and absurdities you have and you get the same in reciprocation with the same intensity, if not more.

It's amazing when you have someone with whom you can share all the silly stuff that is happening in your life, be it you finding some other dude cute or he finding some other girl hot! And then calling it even.

It's amazing when you are in love with your best friend. Who may not yet know you fully, but who knows the process of knowing you. And hopefully will know you more than you know yourself.

The process begins. I hope nothing odd happens. Fingers crossed. :)

Thoughts To Go To Sleep With...

2012-01-14T23:47:00.000+06:00

You know those moments, when you feel indifferent, there's no specific thought going on inside your head to make you ponder over something, and your head is subconsciously searching for some state of mind to assign some feeling to it, which feeling would you like to get assigned to, to occupy your current thoughts?

My personal favourite would be sadness. I want to get a dose of sadness. In addition a bit of a loneliness attack would be classy! Like right at this moment [see, talking of sadness, I already got the idea to write something on it! ;)]. I want to have a sense of something I couldn't have or can't have.

And the sadness would be appreciated if it's a split screen sadness. You know, someone would be sad on the other side thinking about you, in a concurrent manner. You know, how they show it in the movies, the same screen, but split into two, to show what two different people are thinking at the same time without knowing about each other... something like that. Then I could've sang, "We share the sadness, split screen sadness". How would it be to share immaturity, split screen immaturity?

For the audience it's entertaining because they know both part of the story. But you can't get both sides of the coin. You can't be on both sides of the grass at the same time to compare the green-ness of it. It's just not possible. It's like a counterfactual. And it's sad. Speaking of sad,

Could you get what I've been trying to do? I'm letting my mind to wander to pick up a thought to go to bed with. I want to sleep with that thought and yet remain virgin! Okay, bad joke!

Have you ever been obsessed over some object, or some thought, or some character made up inside your head that you thought is real and get emotionally attached to it? I feel like I can't put my heart and soul on to something if I'm not obsessed about "it" or some proxy of that "something". I do it all the time. I'm an obsessed soul. Is that a symptom of a loner? I don't know. But I think it's cool. I always have someone with myself to talk to. And it's so freaking entertaining!

These days I've been afraid some pictures. In fact, not these days, ever since I got those, I'm afraid to look at them directly into the eyes. It's like a horror movie kind of feeling, you know those pictures that suddenly come alive and see you like you see it, or snatch your eyes? It's a feeling like that. I kind of get a horrifying feeling looking at them, as if it can watch me back, with the additional gift of reading my mind. And I so can't allow that. So I refrain myself to look at them. For clarification, the pictures are beautiful.

John Mayer: Keep Me Where The Light Is

2012-01-12T00:23:00.002+06:00

John Mayer performed his Grammy winning title Gravity, on his Where the Light Is: John Mayer Live in Los Angeles concert, back in 2008. It was one of the most organized and well performed (in terms of vocals and instruments) live performances of his.

I love all his lyrics for the sole reason of having so much depth. The way he writes his songs leaves one to decipher its meaning. Although, Gravity never was among my top favourites until I watched this performance. There was grace in every action; the way he started the song, his strong vocals and the maddening guitar tunes. What I love about this guy is how he gets involved with his creations. Seems like he feels every bit of moment while playing through every cell of his body.

I never really paid attention to the meaning of this song. I kind of had a feeling that somebody was struggling not to feel down, when I first listened to it in Continuum. I guess one needs to have a certain kind of experience to feel the meaning of each sentence of this song. I've been reading what other people thought about its meaning. So I thought to write my own dissection of Gravity.

The song starts with, "I've got dreams, dreams to remember...", like a reminder to oneself. This verse is not included in the original song.

Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away

Gravity refers to the force of attraction between two objects, or temptation between two people, may be. Someone is being strongly pulled towards an individual, yet being so incognisant of how the feeling is taking over him/her, but trying so hard to resist himself/herself not to feel in that particular way, because he/she doesn't want to throw all the love that he/she is already receiving from someone else.

Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good

And can't sustain like one half could

It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good" - knowing that high expectation would only cause disappointment in the end, knowing that the consequences of wanting more would bring nothing but disaster in the existing relationships, still, one half doesn't feel enough.

Gravity, stay the hell away from me

Gravity has taken better men than me

How can that be?

Just keep me where the light is

This temptation has destroyed lives of many, he/she knows it well. And he/she can't let that happen. "Just keep me where the light is" - is like self control to keep his/her mind where he/she already was, without letting him/her wander away towards the temptation.

Our mind wanders around the places where it shouldn't be, many times. Sometimes we feel something, but don't really understand the rationale behind that feeling. This song is about a self struggle to define that feeling and defy its effects.

Unavoidable Stares

2012-01-11T00:31:00.000+06:00

There are stares that are noticeable. At some point it becomes uncomfortable. Then there are those "learned stares", the ones that have already learned the tricks to camouflage. But not so avoidable by those eyes that follow those stares, yet in a camouflaged manner! That's the beauty of exercising something. One gets so well acquainted with the ins and outs of the act.

It's like gravity. Presence of those stares provokes you to stare too. Staring is bad for health. So, stop staring. It raises expectation of exchanging stares, in a more irresistible manner. Just stop it, stop it and stop it.

The Shallow Ones

2012-01-09T21:05:00.001+06:00

When you have spent a certain amount of time with some quality people, spending time with a new bunch of people can sometimes be a culture shock! Meeting new people is always interesting. We form our own framework of image in our minds based on how they act on their first meetings, gestures, the way they talk and what they talk about.

I really appreciate those people who never hesitate to express their ignorance. I believe they are really full of wisdom. They are always open to be filled in. On the contrary, there are some people who so unhesitatingly lie to maintain a fake appearance of wisdom. If you put a little effort on their details, you would easily understand that it was a complete hoax! Such shallow act can be disappointing, especially if you have already had a respectful image for that person inside your head.

Why so afraid of your negative side?

2012-01-02T22:33:00.002+06:00

Have you ever noticed that it's so much fun living a life with complete honest thoughts? Appreciating the beast inside you? Everyone has that beast inside, but most of the people try to deny it most of the time. I want to oppose two views that people often try to defy.

1. Two person are talking. A says something to B that hurts/upsets B. Then A says that he/she was just joking.

I think it's a complete bullshit. It was never meant to be a joke. A subconsciously or unconsciously wanted to hurt/upset B. But consciously he/she was unsure or didn't want to hurt/upset B, at least in a face to face conversation. The this "joke" thing comes as the perfect rescuer at that moment.

A to B: Oh, you're such a child. You didn't get my joke? I was only kidding! Why are you overreacting and getting upset?

Fake. But the problem is, A may not know himself/herself that his/her subconscious mind is making him/her to fake it. Just a way to hide inside the mask.

The following one is a recent view I encountered with.

2. X and Y are talking. Y is trying to be moody on some minor fault of X, but irrespective of doing something wrong X becomes extremely rude on Y saying so what if it's his/her fault. When Y asks why X is being so rude and that too illogically, then X replies that "rudeness/anger is a byproduct of illogicality". So, Y asking X to give him/her a logical reason for being rude is baseless.

I simply can't agree on this hypothesis. There must be a reason behind that rudeness. I can't agree that a reaction came just like that without any action. Something must be hidden and wrapped in the coat of subconsciousness of a mind. It can be an old "pay back issue", it might be an act of hiding X's own guilty feelings of some kind.

I don't know if you agree with me or not. Feel free to share your views. I believe that every little gesture we make is yielded by a mixture of our subconscious or conscious thoughts. We act sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. Just like the acts of a conscious mind, our subconscious byproducts are also our responsibility. Why are we so afraid of taking that responsibility? A bitter truth is a lot better than a fake honesty.

01.01.12

2012-01-01T20:42:00.002+06:00

Everyone is writing their 2011 review and 2012 resolution post. I too wanted to write mine. But didn't get time and opportunity to write on it. Honestly speaking, I had nothing to write in an elaborate manner. Last year had been quite a hectic one. When I look back, all I can recall are changes, new experiences and learning. It had been a huge learning phase for me. Learning from different dimensions, learning stuff about myself that I had no clue before, learning to survive certain circumstances and a lot more.

I wanted to write a review based on the 66 posts that I've written this year. This is also going to lead towards 2012 resolutions. So, let's do that briefly.

Goodbye to academic life: I have finished my academic life in Bangladesh on January, 2011. This event itself opened the door of this broader and uncertain but challenging zone.
Career in full swing: Started my professional career since February till now. To sum up, it had been one hell of an experience. In terms of learning, I've had practical encounter with professionalism, bitching, distinguishing "the right work", the dissatisfaction with the present achievements aka "ambition to achieve more".
Self exploration: About one third of the year (since September till now), I've lived a friend-less life. And it has been one of the most enlightening thing for me. Sometimes to figure out your true self, you need this "all by yourself" phases, when you can think clearly and nurture who you really are. I'm lucky that I've had such a phase.
Roller-coaster on relationships: Relationships had played quite an ups and downs game this year. Or the other way round. The year started with a view, "relationships are more important than running after how you want your life to be". A wider range of time had been spent believing "relationships and your views on how to run your life can go in a parallel manner, if you make some adjustments". The year ended with the thought, "don't indulge in relationships, as they should never take over your concrete decisions, adjustments are bullshits if nobody acknowledges them".
It's okay to feel in certain ways: But, within a limit. This would also be a part of self-exploration. It had been quite an interesting experience of keeping my thoughts/emotions loyal to myself and to my relationships around. I can now label myself who gives a lot of emphasis on emotions experienced and a follower of "no regrets" rule. Every emotion is celestial, it should be nurtured and cherished.
Me and myself: This is a realization I had at the very end of this year. At the beginning of 2011, I used to think the only people who are ever going to be your ultimate well-wisher for all time are your parents. I just realized lately that the only person who is ever going to be your ultimate well-wisher for all time is YOU. You are all alone at some crucial point of your life. If you don't take hold of it and let others (parents, mentors, boyfriend) take decision, you'll lose yourself.
Learning for 2012: The only thing you can call your own is your achievements; not relationships, not your parents, not your boyfriend, not even your kids. No one can arrange achievements for you. The only thing that you'll be remembered for is YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS. So I'll be working for that, just like I have been working for it for the past 25 years 9 months and 6 days. I want to nurture and develop my research career through 2012.

Back to 2012:

A lot has happened today. I don't know if it's an eye opener for me, is that a good sign or bad sign, but I had quite a dose today. Self realization has been promoted to one more category. Sometimes we are so engrossed in our current atmosphere that we are not mentally prepared for something completely unthinkable. Obviously, if something is unthinkable, we are not supposed to be prepared for those. You never know when reality strikes and you've to fight back with whatever weapon you have.

It's just this strangest thing, I've seen your face somewhere. An early evening dream? A past life love affair?

2011-12-23T00:44:00.000+06:00

It was her third day at office. Among the facilities she was supposed to get free transport but she came to know there were limited seats in the bus and she had to hurry to secure her place. She had been running from one building to the other to make her seat secured. Finally, she got the approval, but she was almost about to miss the bus for that day.

It was too late. She was walking so fast to catch the bus. Her pace was slower than usual, due to the heavy laptop in one hand and her hand bag on the other. The heat was quite unbearable that day. With her fair complexion, her face reddened, may be by the heat, probable concern of missing the bus or heavy breathing due to climbing too many stairs!

There was the bus, still standing. And there he was, standing near the bus, probably waiting for his. She saw him before. Didn't know his name. In fact, knew nothing about him. She never had a chance to talk to him either. They both stared at each other while she was walking towards the bus. It was long stare, as if they had a connection for few seconds. She was wondering if he was staring at her because she was looking pretty exhausted. It suddenly occurred to her how could she not notice before, how incredibly attractive he was!

She looked down. Crossed him and got on the bus. The bus started. She was looking out from the window and there was this smile on one corner of her lips. It's been a while since she experienced such a smile. And it continued for a while.

Caricature Under the Sun

2011-12-21T20:28:00.000+06:00

Sorry for the poor quality pictures. My phone is old and its glorious days are over. But still, following the legacy, I'm here to post some random pictures I took lately. And did you notice, it's been a W-H-I-L-E since I posted any pictures. So, appreciate! ;)

Can you guess what was the object of this picture, in my view?

It's a van carrying oil. The interesting part is the messages written behind it. 1. নামাজ বেহেশতের চাবি (Praying is the key to heaven), 2. আপনার সন্তান কে মাদ্রাসায় পাঠান (Send your children to Madrasa (Islamic school)) and the most interesting one, 3. মুজে পেয়ার ছে দেখো (It's Hindi but written in Bangla, it says "Mujhe pyar se dekho", that is, "Look at me with love").

This car was burnt by some angry people who didn't know why they were angry! :P

The dog getting warmth in this winter on this old abandoned sofa. Awww...

To A Pretty Face

2011-12-15T18:22:00.001+06:00

Hello Pretty Face!

I know you don't give a damn to the fact that I find you pretty, yet, I think you are damn cute! I know this is the most insignificant issue right now and it really doesn't mean anything. This is just some "spur of the moment" thoughts being shared. You know what? I kind of miss you. I kind of miss looking at your pretty face. And acting like it's some kind of sin is more absurd. Things weren't supposed to be this weird. It was just a natural exchange of action-reaction shared between pretty faces!

I like you. And I think you're arrogant, like I am. And I like you more.

Anyway... Whatever!

Things Change, People Change, Priorities Change... Rules of Life?

2011-12-11T22:38:00.001+06:00

I need some advice. A little bit of counseling. From someone who is experienced with life, not prejudiced and who has looked at the grass from both sides. Who would listen to me without judging me or imposing his/her thoughts on me. I need to talk to a stranger... who would listen to me without emphasizing on what would be the best for my life.

Sometimes we need to optimize our life. Take some optimum decisions. You can't run after just one dimension. With time, priorities change. And there are several constraints that we have to keep in mind while optimizing our life.

Having this uneasy feeling again. Do I need a sign? Or do I need someone to tell me what to do? I need to realize the importance of few things with the given constraint of "no regret". Yes, at the end, I can't regret, no matter what. I've to take responsibility of the whole thing.

The more I'd talk to everyone the more the thoughts would be tangled. I just need some honest and simple suggestions. Need someone to bump into my life for a while and help me analyze through it. May be I need some signs. This morning I found these few lines of Steve Jobs in one of my senior bro's Facebook status.

You know, when you're looking for an answer and suddenly you get signs (if you consider them signs!) out of nowhere! May be it was a sign to tell me to follow my heart and intuition. I've always followed my intuitions. Most of the time they were correct. Can you really predict now, that the decision you are going to take now is going to end up in an amazing manner later? I guess it's the gut feeling that takes you ahead, closer to an amazing ending. With heart filled with doubt and to be filled wishes, can you really walk up to an amazing ending?

A Content Smile. :)

2011-12-05T21:23:00.001+06:00

Stuck with life? Nah! Wrong word. Life is going smoothly. In fact, life was never this good before. No rush, but going smoothly and executing whatever was supposed to be executed properly. Not writing perfectly. These days I'm trying to avoid this term! :P

Where was I? The ~~perf~~... proper word. I guess it'd be, bored with life? Need some entertainment? Yeah, baby! But as far as I know, life is already pretty much entertained. Okay, so it'd be like, bored with all the entertainment? Need more entertainment? Yeah, baby!

The solution is easy! Just look around! Check out the pretty faces (do I sound like a flirty guy?). Pretty faces are working no longer? Look for more dimensions! There'll be more pretty faces! Actually, you know what? Only pretty faces will bore you at the end of the day. You're bound to be bored. Do you know what's the best alternative, that too more realistic, meaningful and worthy to be called entertaining? Knowing people and sharing a genuine relationship, no matter how trivial it is. A genuine "hi" to someone makes you feel warmer, rather saying conditional "hi"s.

You know, some things are constant in life. The urge to see, talk and laugh with my very own personalized bear, who sometimes changes role as my personalized panda is forever constant. I love being his personalized very own dumb ass!

Her: "Do you think, people think I'm a fool because they couldn't yet figure out how smart I am?"
Him: "No! People think you're a fool, because you are a fool!"

Okay, it's getting romantic! Back to my nerdy smart ass self! :D

Had a good day today. Didn't hover around the endless fallacies. Looking around. Seeing some cool stuff. Having fun. Enjoying life. Being realistic with real people. Some happiness are forever constant.

As If Nothing Happened!

2011-12-01T22:18:00.001+06:00

I have been self-enlightened about one rule to maintain professionalism. It works quite well too! Let me give you some specimen to visualize.

You had an argument with one of your colleague and the situation was quite heated up, although, you managed to tackle the situation that moment?

You've said something really stupid to a colleague reluctantly and then realized that you shouldn't have said so?

You have a crush on a colleague from the other department and the awkward moment comes when you are assigned to do some work with him/her?

To prevent more awkward scenarios to come up, ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED! Yes! That's the rule!

What I've observed is, it's really tough to stop thinking about the situations that should've been in control. "I shouldn't have talked like that. Was I rude while we were arguing? Did he/she get what I was thinking?"

It's not really possible that you'd get solitude to sort out all matters or you'll be away from the situations so that you can avoid the later meetings. You simply have to ACT the next moment, and that too in a professional manner. And really, this "As if nothing happened" rule works awesome.

Don't think about what happened, don't think about what the other person in front of you is thinking. Really, what you got to lose? Take the next moment as a fresh new moment and experiment with it. Trust me, it's fun! :D

And I Don't Know What To Do. 'Cause I'll Never Be With You.

2011-11-23T19:11:00.001+06:00

Female Adaptation of "You're Beautiful"

by James Blunt and ME! :D

My life is brilliant.

My life is ~~brilliant~~ kinda exciting.
My ~~love~~ crush is ~~pure~~ quite unconditional.
I saw ~~an angel~~ an attractive dude.
Of that I'm sure!
~~She~~ He smiled at me ~~on the subway~~ when we crossed ways.
~~She~~ ~~was with another man~~ I know I have a boyfriend.
~~But I won't lose no~~ I already lost sleep on ~~that~~ him,
~~'Cause~~ Sad, but I've got a no plan.

You're ~~beautiful~~ so attractive. ~~You're beautiful~~. You've got such a smile!
You're ~~beautiful,~~ too cute and it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, ~~she~~ he caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
~~She~~ I'm not sure if he could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And ~~I don't think that~~ it's such a pain, 'cause I'll see ~~her~~ him again,
But we shared a ~~moment~~ glance that will last till the end.

You're ~~beautiful~~ so attractive. ~~You're beautiful~~. You've got such a smile!
You're ~~beautiful,~~ too cute and it's true.
I ~~saw~~ look for your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're ~~beautiful~~ attractive. ~~You're beautiful~~. I love your smile!
~~You're beautiful, it's true.~~ Did I tell you, I love your eyes?
~~There must be an angel with a smile on her face,~~
There's something mischievous with that look on your face.

~~When she thought up that I should be with you.~~
Makes me wonder, what if I could be with you!

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

---

P.S.: Want to listen to the original You're Beautiful by James Blunt? Those who haven't listened to it yet, shame on you! :P ;)

Loneliness Discoursed: Part 2

2011-11-23T00:37:00.001+06:00

Continued after Loneliness Discoursed: Part 1

"Part of me doesn’t like it when everything works. I don’t think anybody likes it when everything works." ~ John Mayer

But how long? It's been 3 months since I went out with buddies, as none of them are here. I've started to miss friends. I have two of my colleagues who were also my batch mates. I was never close with them. In fact, I think we all hated each other back in university, academic rivalry, you know! One of the biggest realizations I had lately came after that. You can't have buddies all the time. You have to learn to live with friends. You can't be choosy all the time. You have to accept people the way they are and learn to compromise even if you don't share the like-mindedness. And quite interestingly, we share a very good relationship now and also have become quite good friends.

Virtual life is all I share with buddies. It's getting on my nerves. The time difference is like night versus day (More than 12 hours). And the schedules! Last time I had another loneliness attack mixed with anger and sadness, as my best friend (H) forgot one important day I was about to have because he was extremely busy with work and studies. I'm a good girlfriend, though. I know he's busy and I never nag about it.

As the time started to pass, I've had parallel realization on the dimensions of loneliness, for instance, how pathetic it feels when you're down and can't name a single person whom you can call and talk to. Refreshing Facebook and Gmail to see if there's anything new. Waiting for at least one friend to come online. You really have no other choice but to live in your imagination. After they left, I've kept myself busy with office charms, blogging and chatting through this virtual world and last but not the least, John Mayer's music! Honestly, for a loner like me, those are more than enough treat! However, there's a limit.

I realized, with time/age, the scope of making buddies reduces. You are involved with more and more formal relationships (of lesser depth) with people of different ages and point of views. It may not be interesting to cope with them all the time. You may have to keep a fake smile on your face most of the time. There are things you won't be able to do even if you want to break the bridges and go for it. More like a restricted life, or balanced life. The latter one gives a positive vibe, while the former gives a negative. But still, you have to live with the paradox!

By now, it may sound that I'm starving for buddies to get rid of the loneliness. It's not that. Of course, I miss them. It would've been great if I at least had someone here. But the starvation is more for a settlement; in terms of relationship as well as academic/career advancement. Presuming I'd soon be fed and would be heading towards the settlements I was referring. But will that end the process of loneliness?

I believe, the answer is no. I'd be away from my family then. I'd be away from the life I have now. The most important issue is quarter life crisis. By now, we've been depending on our families. Our decisions have been influenced by them. But now, it's time to take charge, and by taking charge you have to accept the positives and negatives too. This is when the void begins. You can't have it all. You choose one sector and leave the other as an opportunity cost. The void continues. Being responsible and independent bring with them a hell lot of uncertainties that you can't do anything about.

Professional life, rather I should call it the first step to independent life, teaches you a lot. It's like the treadmill which is hard to stop and you have to keep going. It's more like walking alone in a crowd. And the most interesting part is, which is my personal observation, that every single person in the crowd is alone. Every one of them has their own loneliness story. So, in that sense, all the lonely people are crowded together sharing a common part of life! You're busy. You have a family. You have a different world. Yet, you have emptiness of some sort, leading to loneliness. We all are dissatisfied souls. There would always be something that you crave for. Always creating a void. Always creating a loneliness of some sort. You can't run away from it. You have to learn to live with it.

The greener grass on the other side is loneliness. Frustration of not getting what you want is loneliness. Regret is loneliness. Trying to cope with the current settings without fully internalising with it is loneliness. And it's like bad sectors of a hard disk. With time, some portion of your memory is damaged due to loneliness. It can't be filled up. Because certain things can only be filled up with certain special ingredients. Even if you get better ingredients, you won't be able to fill up the space which requires that special ingredient.

The process has began. The bad sectors have started to take place. Calling them "bad sectors" as a term, not to really label loneliness as bad. It's a continuous process. May be this is how we grow. This is how we become mature. This is how we learn to keep a balance between certain possibilities and certain losses of life. You can't look back, neither can you have "it" back. All you got to do is to keep walking. But the one thing you can do while being in the process is try to be "conscious" every moment. Don't let it just pass. But to realize it being passed.

Loneliness Discoursed: Part 1

2011-11-22T22:02:00.001+06:00

Those who are connected to me through Facebook know how I've been bragging about the term "loneliness", lately. I think, it took me a while since I came to see the big picture. The phase of sudden unbearable loneliness was just the billboard.

It's nothing new that we step from one state to another state in our lives. Think of the phases of academic life or professional life. You can also think of it geographically; changing location from a place where you spent quite a significant amount of time. It can also be change of state of mind or change of outlook or simply the biggest changing variable; time. What I'm trying to say is that there's always this transition state throughout all the changes of states. How easily do we handle this state?

I used to think I can never be lonely. Weird thought, though, but the reason behind such a premise was that I've been a loner and I've learned since childhood how to occupy my head. This blog is one child of my brain's "I-know-how"s.

Remember, back in school, when you were so frightened with the thought of changing school? "What would happen to all my friends? Will I be able to make new friends?" Sounded like a herculean task! An apparent fear of loneliness. But really, I actually made buddies when I was in 7th standard. For brevity, let me use the term friends for general short term/acquaintance based relationships and buddies for long term/deeply and emotionally connected relationships. I don't even remember the name of my best friend when I first went to school. I can't even remember the face.

School life ended and it was like the end of a dream life. College life started, and I don't want to recall how it started and ended. It was like running errands all over the year. Those two years gave birth to few friends with whom I'm still connected through Facebook, writing "Happy birthday!" on their walls once in a year, but no buddies. Can be called as years filled with loneliness, yet can't be labelled as emptiness. Although, now I realize how cumbersome that phase was compared to what I recently realized.

With lots of hopes and dreams, with a sense of adventure and ambition, came the university life; especially because it was DU (Dhaka University) life. Life in DU is completely different than life in other institutions, the reason for my emphasis while calling it DU life. Compared to NOW; we were immature, full of stupidity, so stupid that we used to cry over the fact who's got 1 marks more than whom. I spend my 5 years chasing after grades and I'm so proud of that. Call me nerd, but the achievement is reflected not in grades, but in the consistency and patience of running after something until you get it. Not everyone had the stamina to run the race till the end.

But one thing was there, we were dreamers, I think, we still are. Maturity is a relative thing. Along with all the immaturity we possessed back then, we formed quite a number of friends and I got three special buddies, with whom I shared equivalent wavelengths of intellect and humour. We called ourselves LASH (our initials. The word also means "Dead Body" in Bangla!). We fought, we laughed, we spent the whole 5 years cracking jokes and had the best times of our lives. You know, they say, "friends come and go, you'd form new friends if old friends are gone", but buddies are rare. You don't really meet and get to know people with whom you feel emotionally attached and develop a divine connection. Looking back, all I can say now is that we had no idea what loneliness even means.

I used to be choosy (read snob and arrogant). I never hung out with people I didn't think would match my wavelengths of interest. I never even tried. I always had LASH around, at least H around, ALWAYS, even when we fought with the other two. After graduation there were times that we (excluding interaction between H and I) haven't talked to each other for months, due to work load or sometimes, lack of interest. At least, we knew that all of us were just one call away.

ASH left this country this year, around September for higher studies, I wanted to work for a year before going for it, so I stayed. We all felt bad because the direction of our lives had started to fall apart, but had no idea that it was the inception of experiencing the real loneliness. We (LASH) had so many internal problems when H left for Canada, though, I was there for him. When H reached, he experienced really lone time, apart from the family and the life here. It was tough for me too, because I've never learned to live without him. But work occupied me, somehow to survive the transition.

I was very glad for one reason that all of them left. Independence, to be more precise, emotional emancipation. I thought, when they would leave, I'd have a new life which would be free of their influence/judgement. For the past 4 years I've been like protected by the boyfriend kind of girl. I wanted to experience this new life all by myself. In the meanwhile, H would also learn to live by himself. We both felt it's important for our self development until we unite next year or so. I'm working now. Very much independent. As the next project is being gone for higher studies, so this work life feels pretty adventurous and exciting, and of course, can't deny the charms!

To be continued...

I Want to Live before I Die

2011-11-14T21:14:00.001+06:00

You know, Facebook shows these advertisements that comes on the right side of your pages, one of those are "People You May Know" as known as Friend Suggestions? Well, one of our senior brother's name is appearing on that list very frequently. It's like I've seen his name which came as a suggestion in the past one hour for 7 to 8 times at most. And the most weirdest thing about it is, he died few days ago in an accident along with his wife.

He was about 9 years senior to us. We neither ever heard his name nor ever met him until he passed away. Yet, it gives a kind of depressing feeling. We belonged to the same institution, after all. This fact connects all its students, somehow, even if you have never known all the people belonging to your institution.

I checked his profile. He got married very recently, on May, 11, I guess. It felt so weird that I was checking out the profile of a dead person. Weird in the sense that when we'd die, this blog, our online existence would remain as it is, may be in a more haunting manner! I used to joke about this lucid truth. But it's not funny anymore. Was that some kind of a sign that the advertisement appeared on my side bar so frequently?

I have so many plans to execute. I'm not even married to my best friend. I want to experience my life living with him. I haven't even planned to live the new life I'm supposed to have on 2012. I've to get my PhD degree. I've to leave my mark on the research fields of Statistics. I've to make my parents proud of me and be responsible towards them. Although, I have no plan yet, but I would also like to have my fat baby boy before I die. I want to plan something after 10 years or 20 years from now on, where LASH would reunite at some place of this world coming from wherever we might be. I want to meet John Mayer and tell him how he always inspired me. Will I live that longer to do all these and more?

The Answer to Living It Right

2011-11-11T01:07:00.001+06:00

You know those moments, when a rush of events occur around you, yet having no connection between them. An unanswered question was hovering in your head that was once shot by yourself. And then there comes this moment, when out of nowhere you feel enlightened because all those events seem to have given you some insight. Seems like you've found the answer to your question. At least you're getting a clue. May be soon you'd get the full meaning of it.

AM I LIVING IT RIGHT?

Do you say what you do and do what you say without trying to optimize the situations or trying so hard not to look stupid?
Are you ready to take responsibility for each of your act no matter how horrible it is and not blame it on others?
Are you clear to yourself at the end of the day for the person you've been the whole day, accepting that you may have acted like a bitch/son-of-a-bitch, a coward, a selfish, or a complete loser?
Do you review yourself and honestly try to work on your limitations accepting all the flaws you have?
Did you accept it with dignity when you were wrong about something without bothering about the so called ego in front of a bunch of people?
Did you apologize to someone for something because you really felt that what you did was wrong and not as a formality gesture?
Can you openly admit your ignorance on something that you are supposed to know quite well?
Are you open to make mistakes and learn from it without being rigid on making mistakes?
Do you live with the "no regrets" rule?
Do you take every decision using your conscious mind/gut feeling and not by forces/influence of others to do it?
Are you bold enough to stand on your points no matter what, even if the whole world is against you?
Do you have the guts to say that you don't believe in something that you don't fully understand?
Are all the relationships you maintain meaningful to you?
Can you answer with a big YES when you ask yourself, "Am I happy?" after everything you do, even if some other people may not be happy about it?

If you can answer with a YES for every question asked here, then yes, there is a good chance that you're living a life not feeling burdened at the end of the day. Thousands of other points can be added here, but the main point is that you don't live a cluttered life filled with worries, guilt and fear. I think being proud of oneself for whoever you are - accepting the good and bad altogether, whatever you do - taking charge of your life takes you one step closer to LIVING it right.

Let's live a life that is meaningful to OUR inner self. Let's listen to the inner voice on every single thing we do. Let's trust the gut feeling and do something worthy, breaking the so called rules (read lies) that are around us to slow us down. So, let's live it right, from NOW ON.

No, I didn't die last night.

2011-11-08T20:44:00.000+06:00

Belated Eid Mubarak. I've been pretty sick for the last two days. Food poisoning it is! No, it's not because of the meat, it's some roadside stuff I ate the night before the Eid while coming back from office. My brother and bhabi also ate! Nothing happened to them! Look who's dying! ME! May be because they were microbiologists and I'm a statistician! :P

I've never puked like this. This post might sound like a sick one, but please bear with me! I haven't eaten almost anything for the last two days and now I can't even complain? Nothing's getting digested. Everything tastes bitter. And I've been under three quilts because I was shivering in fever. Yeah, my teeth were knocking together! I've never felt such disabled like last night.

I've experienced one difference last night from the times that I've been indisposed. Every time I get sick, I feel as if I'm going to die. But last night, I kind of knew that I was not going to die. I don't know why so. Can that be because I'm going to die soon?

Now, back to life. What do you think, what kind of a freak spends the whole day at office before the Eid day? Almost everyone was on vacation. Well, I had some works to submit and I needed uninterrupted time and space. Plus, I'm losing my interest from this social phenomena.

I had nothing to lose while I was in the bed the whole two days. I either had nowhere to go (as all of my friends have left this country), or had no mood to visit the relatives (I hate formalities). Skype calls were my only social interaction for the last two days. I'm getting very unsocial and self-centric day by day. I've always been like this, but now I have started to take pride in it.

In the last Eid, I was having severe viral fever. It was the day when I went to see off my best friend at the airport towards his way to Canada. And this Eid, I already told you! My brother was kidding, "You should convert!" Being a non-religious person myself, I'm giving a thought on the religious aspects of it.

There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me...

2011-11-03T00:20:00.001+06:00

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

~ Edge of Desire by John Mayer

She wonders, how John interprets her thoughts so vividly. It's an absurd baseless thought that came to her mind. Although, it's an unthinkable or rather scary thought for her, at least for now. She doesn't even want to think about it, but it's nothing unobvious, deep down she knows. It is supposed to happen. In fact, there is no reason that it's not gonna happen. She will be forgotten. May be time would make her presence fade away. May be someone else would take her place. May be her presence would be the most unperceived thing that the fact that once she existed would vanish. It is a kind of helplessness blended with sadness.

She murmurs those words again, There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me...

Living Inside An Imaginary World

2011-11-01T00:25:00.001+06:00

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends... I can so resemble with this line from John Mayer's song Half of My Heart. I was just talking to a friend today and I was saying, "You know what? I live in a Movie world!". Then I kept wondering, is that weird? Is that some sort of sickness? Is that something not so normal? Then again, "what's so great about normal?", another quotation from Max Evans from Roswell.

When I look back, I find that I've been influenced by characters from movies/TV series since I had sense. I didn't have much friends in real life since childhood. I've always looked for friends who'd always be there for you like those friends in FRIENDS. And always means ALWAYS. Whenever I had a friend who hadn't been ALWAYS there for me, I labelled that person not being a friend and excluded from my list. Somewhat like Peter's character from I Love You, Man. I still don't know if that's unrealistic or not. May be that is one reason why I always kept myself busy with imaginary characters and I don't really feel any strong need of real life friends.

Don't know if it's a blogger syndrome, but do you look at things/events as "contents of a blog post"? I do. And sometimes I really don't trust myself with emotions. Suppose, I'm feeling strongly about something, then I write something about/regarding it. And once it's done, I feel so satisfied. It all goes inside my head, I have imaginary characters there with whom I play around. And I'm not much bothered about what happens to those characters in real life, I'm just glad playing them around inside my head! At the end, I really doubt if the causes and effects were interchanged or not.

Is that the way writers also think? I'm not comparing myself with a writer. I'm just a scribbler. But I was wondering, is that what goes inside a writer's head? For example, someone [also a writer] had this great tragic love affair which ended even more tragically. He decides to write a novel on it and turns his dissatisfaction into this great piece of art (Ewan McGreg0r from Moulin Rouge!). He then transforms his painful lessons through art and converts his dissatisfaction into satisfaction. Or a murderer writes about it after each murder and finds some kind of artistic pleasure? Is that how it works?

I find resemblance with most of the lines John Mayer says! I kind of define some rules of my life based on what Master Oogway thinks! I'm a very rebellious character, just like those rebellious characters of "those" movies who can do anything to achieve some goal they are obsessed about. I strongly believe that my life would turn out to be like one of "those" movies. I sometimes used to stop writing in my exams at extreme level of pressure, thinking and somehow believing that I can turn back time or slow down time [may be using a time machine]. And nothing bad happened either. I topped my class! I didn't lose my senses, that indicates.

John Mayer sings, I'm not alone. I wish I was... in Something's Missing. That's exactly how my life is defined. I'm a loner, but I don't feel alone... never. I've created this world of my own where I'm always busy with myself and my thoughts, no matter how silly, stupid, unrealistic they are! And I've been doing this for the past 25 years and I'm very comfortable with this. Sometimes I feel I'm not very good with real life interactions than I am in virtual world. Reasons may be the same. I've found some comfort zone.

Waves of Disrupting Feelings...

2011-10-30T19:47:00.004+06:00

A bad start with bad incidences... A broken lipstick... Jeans soaked in splash of dirty road water...

An ugly accusation... Intolerable anger... Helplessness... Undying wait for the truth to be revealed...

Chase for the mirage... It's there... You can't touch it... You can't have it... But you can feel it... Not fair enough to be fair enough...

Worries... Weariness... When life is moves towards the direction where it's supposed to move... Leaves behind a hell lot of desperation, uncertainty, helplessness and selfishness...

Someone said it right... Bad news never have good timing...

But everything happens for a good reason, right? And there are no accidents, right?

Tag Post: Behind the Screens

2011-10-29T22:01:00.001+06:00

Tagged by Rintu! Let's do it. And I'm tagging nobody! Sorry! :P

1. Do you have any favorite movies? If so, then which ones?

This is a really bad question (Sorry Rintu :P). The term "favourite movie" is a dynamic process. Plus, you may like a story or the making of the movie, the cast may be simply your favourite, the movie might have stimulated your thought process. I think this is not justified to categorize the feedback into a binary outcome.

I usually like movies which leave me pondering over thousands of issues. Currently, I'd have to say Kung Fu Panda 2, because it kind of has set a rule how to live my life! I know, it might sound funny but really... this is one of the most thought provoking animated movies I've ever seen!

2. Favorite actors/actresses? Is there any specific reason to why these are your favorites?

Tough to pin point. It depends on movies and how they performed.

I really like Matt Damon and his acting. I love Johnny Depp! Jack Black is awesome! Jack Nicholson KNOWS how to do comedy! There's something aggressive about Colin Farrell which I find very hot! I simply LOVE Jake Gyllenhaal and he's too cute. I find Gerard Butler very attractive. Will Smith is one hell of an actor! I find Clive Owen very handsome. Ewan McGregor is classy! Did I tell you I really like Robert Pattinson minus the fact that Twilight sucked? Check out his other movies cause they are REALLY good.

I find Scarlett Johansson very sexy and attractive. I like Kate Beckinsale, Anne Hathway and Keira Knightley. I love Cameron Diaz for her candidness. Sandra Bullock is really funny!

3. Which TV-series do you follow?

Currently not finding time to follow any TV series. Last one I followed fully was Life Unexpected. Couldn't continue watching The Big Bang Theory, Dexter and How I Met Your Mother due to time constraints. Although, collecting them to watch later. Watched the first season of The Walking Dead and looking forward for the second one.

4. Which is the best environment for watching a movie?

Me and my room. Doors closed. Nobody to disturb. But I'd really like to have a movie partner. Never really had any movie buddy.

5. Unless you’re an omnivore ;P, which kind of movies would you rather avoid?

I am actually an omnivore. I try to watch all types. Liking or disliking comes after watching, actually. But one bad experience I'd like to share. I was looking for movies by Jake Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Aniston and I happened to watch The Good Girl. Trust me, this was one of the most boring movies anyone could ever watch! Don't watch it unless you want to annoy yourself! I'd rather avoid such movies.

6. Which is the scariest horror movie you’ve ever seen? How did it affect you?

Scariest movies and me? I'm never scared. Really! I'm never scared no matter how horrible the movie is. I always find scariest movies amusing and funny!