My Fado

These damn feelings...

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sun, 14 Sep 2014 22:46:00 +0000

Feelings are a bugger.

I always thought I felt more than other people, then I discovered that most of the time I think I know what I feel instead of actually 'feeling it', physically, in me, in my body.

When I discovered I then thought that maybe not only do I not feel more than other people I feel less! Because it all seems to be in my head.

But of course I do feel it like everyone else does, I just don't frigging notice it, only when it reaches such an extreme that I can't help but notice it which is why I've always thought (that word again, think not feel) I was more intense, or just simply intense.

I'm learning how to recognise it, different feelings, small everyday things but it's so ingrained in me, this practically unconscious repression that I have to remind me to pay attention to what I'm feeling and consciously force myself to see what I'm feeling, the trouble is I don't know what the signs in my body mean, it's difficult to translate them into feelings...

It's all very confusing. For example, right now there's a multitude of things swimming around in my head after what was a glorious weekend. But what do I feel about it? And what do I feel about each of them separately?

Because lots happened in a way. Friday for example... I cried, I did, I hadn't for a while, a simple line in a movie set me off. But unlike before I do feel stronger and I'm so very lucky that I had a little chat with a friend and it helped. And I was able to get up and go as it were, in this case literally. Because I then went out to meet my friends, after that little lonely episode, and it turned out to be a brilliant night and I had so much fun. I feel happy about it I think (scratch that) I do feel happy about it and elated it was such a good night. Which after the mini-breakdown was pretty incredible, I didn't let it own me.

Then yesterday all of us out, the birthday dinner/night out for all four of us was really cool. It was somewhat more formal because there was more people and I wasn't as comfortable with everyone because I don't know them as well but that's how you get to know people and it was still pretty cool.

Still a couple of things 'happened'. First I'm getting really close to a friend of mine who I respect immensely and I love her and her boyfriend dearly, we have forged a very new but already strong friendship the seven of us, but somehow deeper with her. And seemingly from her either, which is great. In so many ways she reminds of M, but the lines are becoming blurred and I don't want that, it's making me feel apprehensive and a little bit anxious.

Then I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time, H. Out of the blue and it was incredible, she was so affectionate and it was so good to see her. I was very struck by her reaction and what she said, it was lovely to hold her. We promised to catch up and see each other this week. Again that is confusing. The whole thing with H was before L and all that business occured and whilst it is true I've thought about H at times I had moved on because of how our relationship had kind of died but yesterday when I did mention to her what I felt her reaction was very engaging, almost apologetic, sorrowful one could say and I believed that she did miss me, whether that was just the drink in both of us I don't know. But we agreed to meet Wednesday, which incidentally is my birthday. And now I'm really looking forward to Wednesday. Too much though? I'm confused, I'm thinking too much again, I'm thinking whether we can rekindle something, or what might happen but I don't even know where she is right now or what she wants from our meet. I shouldn't have expectations but knowing me I do this. And I want to text and be in touch with her but at the same time I don't know where we are so I'm not doing that, where what when que?! Am I right in leaving her alone and see what happens Wednesday? Or once again am I putting someone's needs ahead of my own and repressing my own feelings and desires? In the end, to focus, how do I feel about meeting H Wednesday? A bit nervous actually, I think that's what that is. Because of the unexpected.

Then of course, there's next weeks' potential house party, the mix of my Portuguese and English friends which ought be good, IF the numbers even up. More to the point yesterday I did invite T to the party as well and she said she'd come. Which despite all my grumblings about the age difference I can't help but feel a connection there, I love her voice and her eyes and her beautiful smile. I reckon she has so much about her, so much to tell it would be great to get to speak to her properly. So what do I feel about all that? Also a bit nervous but maybe more excited. I don't know (oh shit I still say that a lot). Hmm

On the one hand I don't know, T is a blank canvas and we might not even get on and she is very young and it might all be in my head anyway. Now H suddenly turns up in my life again, at this point in time, on my birthday, and I was so moved by her reaction I can't stop thinking about her and of course we have a little bit of a history and she must know I like her and I already know her and she is older, year and a half for her may be more than for me but of course she may have a boyfriend.

Fuck knows, it's all very confusing, nothing ever seems to be easy with me but then, I am complicated so I suppose I'm bound to get involved in complicated situations.

Sigh. Interesting times one could say..,

As velhinhas às vezes são as mais sábias

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 01:10:00 +0000

"A minha paixão por ti era um lume
Que não tinha mais lenha por onde arder"

http://open.spotify.com/track/564tHu6RJmSLd6a7mC011x

Finito...?

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 08:14:00 +0000

Today. Today may be the day I say it's over.

It has been over in reality well over a year, but I mean over over. In my head, in my mind. In my heart?

I want to be positive again, or, attempt it.

I am feeling determined. I always am in the face of adversity, money adversity especially, I can cope with that, I havey whole life an what that does is focus the mind on the minutae of daily life.

The prospect of living alone is interesting also and we'll see how I'll cope but it focus my mind on gettin the house how I want it.

The trouble is (and I hate using the phrase because it instantly reminds me of something she used to say to me) that I'm afraid that all this focusing is simply another strategy to stop feeling...

And that is why I don't want to stop going to see you altogether Dr. RB.

But I want to change, I want it to hurt less. I'm almost there I think, I can remember and hear most songs now without the tears coming.

Today, today may be the day. I will certainly try it.

How is it that you can look at someone without seeing them?

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 20:10:00 +0000

I read that today. A Facebook post from a wonderfully gifted young poet about normal people and empaths. I always knew I wasn't normal, I am ok with that, but am I an empath? Is that why I can't understand certain attitudes and things?

My friend asked me today how I am, what's going with me. I didn't want to answer and launch into a tirade but I did answer with the truth: that it was an interesting but difficult to answer question. It's complicated.

My colleague said something today that stuck with me as well, she's very perceptive, she told me that if I was taking so long in deciding how to reply to this woman that I may potentially be going on a date with, maybe I'm not ready, of course that's true, I know it, but I can't put my life on hold.

So how am I exactly? I'm dealing with it as best as I can I guess, and by it I mean getting over L.. I've had a chance to speak to two of the most important people in my life recently and it helped somewhat, it made feel better, but to real deal with it I went ahead and went to a psychologist. He has been helping me, by looking at things differently and looking at me. Since the last session I have felt better. If because of the session or if because I've been so busy at work I don't know but I have.

Work has been great, really have enjoyed having my own project. People at work have been great and my boss and some ex-colleagues are trying to set me up with this woman, I'm not wholly indifferent to her and I'm willing to give it a go. Is it a mistake? Is it too soon? I shall ask my psychologist when I next see him.

I've been worried about money but, not much I can do in the immediate, apart from just tough it out, work hard and repay shit to get back on my feet.

I've been okay I think, better, but then I've not been able to get back to having the strength I had last year and I'm reverting to comfortable old paulo, sitting and watching TV a lot, bingeing on series. It annoys me that I don't seem to gather the strength in me consistently to avoid this, I know what I need to do but it's like I have a block stopping me. I know I'm the block. Myself, it's about me it's always been.

Sigh. I almost had the desire the other day to write again but without my laptop... I kinda use that as an excuse not to I suppose, I could use my phone if I really wanted to.

It's just around the corner that desire, that willingness to change and really be me? positive, fully positive me? but it seems just out of reach somehow.

I need to find it within me again... Will I only find it once I lose L for the last time, once and forever?

Oh tears there you are...

Words read on a lost day in March

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 10:00:00 +0000

"Havendo amor, tudo se torna num prazer ou numa preparação para ele. Fazermos as coisas juntos torna-se numa extensão de fazermos amor", MEC.

If you have love, everything you do is a pleasure or a preparation for it. Doing things together becomes an extension of lovemaking.

Quote & tears

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 15:14:00 +0000

"How many people make you feel rare and pure and special?

How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

You did L, you did even if it was for such a little while, for such a short space of time...

Ways to train your brain to become more positive in 21 days - Day 3

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 01:36:00 +0000

- 3 Gratitudes:

I'm grateful for having a good job.

I'm grateful for working with good people.

I'm grateful for central heating.

- Journalling:

I had two positive experiences today: an event at work and my first training day for my coaching course, loved talking about and discussing football for a few hours.

- Exercise:

Had no time today but also resting after yesterday.

- Meditation:

None, I need to work on this, I shall have time tomorrow.

- Random acts of Kindness:

Offered to carry my colleagues laptop for her. And gave a lift to a course mate and offered to do so throughout the course as he lives in Loughborough.

Ways to train your brain to become more positive in 21 days - Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sun, 09 Feb 2014 23:30:00 +0000

- 3 Gratitudes:

I'm grateful that I can run and be fit to play futsal.

I'm grateful A messaged me back.

I'm grateful that I have friend that is encouraging me with my coaching course.

- Journalling:

Ironed the majority of my shirts and I feel good about that.

- Exercise:

I went for a run for half an hour and then had an hour of futsal training. My knee feels ok and I really enjoyed running outside again

- Meditation:

- Random acts of Kindness:

I wrote a positive comment on my friends Facebook page

Ways to train your brain to become more positive in 21 days - Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sun, 09 Feb 2014 00:41:00 +0000

- 3 Gratitudes:

I am grateful that TEDTalks exists, that I have Internet to watch it and that I have an iPhone to write this on.

- Journalling:

Watching TEDTalks was an incredibly positive experience for me today, as even though the day started well and I met a friend in the morning for some reason I was feeling dejected, probably because I was tired, but when I started to watch the LifeHacks series it really picked me up.

- Exercise: none today, but I've decided I shall return to running tomorrow.

- Meditation: didn't have time today.

- Random acts of Kindness: I had a shift at SAMS today, and a couple of decent calls.

Deciding Moments II

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 21 Dec 2013 19:03:00 +0000

I always meant to follow up on the first post called Momentous Decisions, can't believe that well over a year has past since. Don't really know why I haven't, I mean Summer 2012 and indeed most of 2012 was not one of my better years but I guess at the bottom of it there was perhaps a fear to examine things too much in my adult life.

Don't even know where to begin, I guess chronologically and what I remember, because they'll be the ones that matter.

Well, at the age of 17, fresh out of school and applying to university for the first time wishing to do Medicine as I had always wanted since I was 6. I suppose even at the time it was so incredibly hard to get the required average that you couldn't take it too seriously, possibly, but certainly the decision to play a computer game with my friend instead of revising for the national exam (específica de biologia) was momentous and a critical lack of responsibility, both me and him have laughed somewhat awkwardly about that day, it was crazy.

I then went and got my first job an indeed I did very well, I was working in the export department. I don't recall exactly the sequence if events but I believe I was getting to the end of my contract and the company were deciding whether to keep me or not as I had made a big fuss about applying for university that year. Well, my revision was poor at best, revising whilst watching football is not the best idea (Euro 96 was on I believe) but, at work, I decided to write this letter to my line manager outlining the pros and cons of keeping me. I was advised that that was probably not the best idea and it turned out they did not offer me a new contract. Was it the letter? I'll never know but certainly if I had stayed there life would have turned very differently.

untitled

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 07 Dec 2013 19:16:00 +0000

Paraphrasing...

"Most of life's most memorable moments are over quickly, almost before they begin.

And they take up very little of our life as a whole.

However, some moments cast an immense light into the future.

And make the people who made those moments unforgettable."

You did, and I shan't ever forget you and those moments.

I've made a decision, a decision to let you go and not chase you, and I should be proud of that decision. I can hold my head high and indeed keep my head up. Which should give me strength. Strength to overcome the longing and the sadness.

I may yet overcome it. Deep down I understand I have the capacity to reconnect with another person. I feel I can love someone else. Yes, I think I can.

But I shan't ever forget you and the shadow the light of those moments cast will be forever with me.

I can never forget. Never forget you and never forget that once... once there was an us.

Away in Scotland

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 02 Oct 2013 18:14:00 +0000

What a strange day it's been.
A very meh day indeed.
I've felt tired, I've not slept properly in weeks and the last few days have been no exception even though I fall asleep quickly.
But I've also felt a bit sick, a tightness in my chest, can't tell if it's physical due to the drinking the unhealthy food or the tiredness; or whether it's psychological.
The last few days have been odd: I've never been in a relationship so I don't know how it feels when you're away and separated from a loved one. To compound matters the circumstances have been particular so there has been plenty of contact.
I've felt her pain and I've missed not being near her to comfort her, but I know I have helped somewhat by being present and available and giving emotional support.
The thing is she can be very hot and cold, vulnerable and eager to talk then completely independent and distant. I know she copes differently but it's difficult to get used to it. That's one thing we're very different about, which is probably good because I over analyse things too much.
I don't know if today has been a meh day because I've missed frequent and sincere contact with her or whether the whole thing has made me reflect in my own life and the loss of my own grandfather who I have never mourned properly, and te fact my other grandfather has been very I'll also.
Or simply I've just been tired.
I do ascribe things to where there is nothing sometime. I know I know, happiness is a choice but today I do feel very meh there's no other word.
Perhaps my idea of fun is different from the others and I've just lost interest a little bit today as well. I can't tell.

It's good to just sit here by the sea and listen to the wind blow and the waves slowly crashing by. They are sounds like nothing else and if it wasn't for the biting cold I could sit here for hours, probably not writing but simply listening. It's such an awareness of the force of the sea, it's not a loud crashing noise but a low key sound of waves and win on waves, relentlessly and timelessly coming together in these shores. One looks ahead and see nothing but water. The ocean here is a dark grey-blue and it meets the light blue of the sky in the horizon with the grey, low clouds, above mirroring the water below. It's a special kind of beauty. It inspires me, it never fails to. Wether it's here in the cold northern country or further down in the warmer southern foreign lands.

Rap e fado

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 20:51:00 +0000

Ouvi isto há mais de um ano, ia de carro para Lisboa, e lembro-me de pensar "que maravilha, dois artistas completamente diferentes a colaborar e a fazer uma música incrível".

Procurei-a, depois, no Spotify, e no iTunes. Nada. Encontrei-a, contudo, no YouTube.

Já não a ouvia há imenso tempo, até me tinha esquecido. Hoje ouvi-a de novo. E só agora me apercebi da profundidade da letra, das duas canções, a do desespero e a da esperança, duas em uma.

E mais uma vez pensei "que maravilha, que canção incrível". E consigo me identificar com muitos aspectos dessa canção neste momento da minha vida. Aqui vai a letra:

"(Boss Ac)

Não me resta nada, sinto não ter forças para lutar
É como morrer de sede no meio do mar e afogar
Sinto-me isolado com tanta gente à minha volta
Vocês não ouvem o grito da minha revolta
Choro a rir, isto é mais forte do que pensei
Por dentro sou um mendigo que aparenta ser um rei
Não sei do que fujo, a esperança pouca me resta
É triste ser tão novo e já achar que a vida não presta
As pernas tremem, o tempo passa, sinto cansaço
O vento sopra, ao espelho vejo o fracasso
O dia amanhece, algo me diz para ter cuidado
Vagueio sem destino nem sei se estou acordado
O sorriso escasseia, hoje a tristeza é rainha
Não sei se a alma existe mas sei que alguém feriu a minha
Às vezes penso se algum dia serei feliz
Enquanto oiço uma voz dentro de mim que diz…

(Mariza)
Chorei,
Mas não sei se alguém me ouviu
Então sei se quem me viu
Sabe a dor que em mim carrego e a angústia que se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo
Busquei
Nas palavras o conforto
Dancei no silêncio morto
E o escuro revelou que em mim a Luz se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo

(Boss Ac)
Não há dia que não pergunte a Deus porque nasci
Eu não pedi, alguém me diga o que faço aqui
Se dependesse de mim teria ficado onde estava
Onde não pensava, não existia e não chorava
Prisioneiro de mim próprio, o meu pior inimigo
Às vezes penso que passo tempo demais comigo
Olho para os lados, não vejo ninguém para me ajudar
Um ombro para me apoiar, um sorriso para me animar
Quem sou eu? Para onde vou? De onde vim?
Alguém me diga, porque, me sinto assim?
Sinto que a culpa é minha mas não sei bem porquê
Sinto lágrimas nos meus olhos mas ninguém as vê
Estou farto de mim, farto daquilo que sou, farto daquilo que penso
Mostrem-me a saída deste abismo imenso
Pergunto-me se algum dia serei feliz
Enquanto oiço uma voz dentro de mim que me diz…

(Mariza)
Chorei
Mas não sei se alguém me ouviu
E não sei se quem me viu
Sabe a dor que em mim carrego e a angústia que se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo...

Busquei,
Nas palavras o conforto
Dancei no silêncio morto
E o escuro revelou que em mim a Luz se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo...

(Boss AC)
Tento não me ir abaixo mas não sou de ferro
Quando penso que tudo vai passar
Parece que mais me enterro
Sinto uma nuvem cinzenta que me acompanha onde estiver
E penso para mim mesmo será que Deus me quer
Será a vida apenas uma corrida prá morte
Cada um com a sua sina, cada um com a sua sorte
Não peço muito, não peço mais do que tenho direito
Olho para trás e analiso tudo o que tenho feito
E mesmo quando errei foi a tentar fazer o bem
Não sei o que é o ódio, não desejo mal a ninguém
Vai surgir um raio de luz no meio da porcaria
Porque até um relógio parado está certo duas vezes por dia
Vou-me aguentando
A esperança é a última a morrer
Neste jogo incerto o resultado não posso prever
E quando penso em desistir por me sentir infeliz
Oiço uma voz dentro de mim que me diz
Mamtém-te firme"

Period. Paragraph

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 10 Aug 2013 11:04:00 +0000

I may have lost a girlfriend but I haven't lost my life.

Because I had one.

It was always independent of her.

And that's exactly as it should be.

I didn't need her to find me.

I didn't need her to save me.

I didn't need her to socialise.

To have fun.

To laugh.

I know who I am.

I've found him hiding late last year.

I know who I want.

I've found my confidence in the last year.

I know what I like.

I've always known to be fair.

I know how to get it.

I've discovered that everything is a choice.

Not doing something is as much a choice as doing.

Feelings and happiness are also a choice, but they're not quite so black and white.

Feelings always muddle things up somewhat.

But then that's what makes human.

And life interesting.

Onwards!

Choosing

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 07:28:00 +0000

It's all about choices isn't?

Like what we choose to believe.

Some people choose to believe that two thousand years miraculously a man returned from the dead. And that there is an almighty creator that watches over single little thin we do. The desire, need to believe in something greater than ourselves gives them comfort. (Or does it? Or is it simply cultural conditioning?)

I choose to believe, want to believe, that what you feel is what Hilmarsdóttir from Of Monsters And Men wrote in a delightful, yet ever so sad for me, song.

Because somehow I have interiorised that I know what you feel better than you do because you are so messed up.

And it would give me comfort to think thy that is what you really feel. But I don't know. I don't actually know.

You could have just been fooling me, and fooling yourself all those months, living a fantasy.

I just choose to believe, want to, need to believe that it wasn't a fantasy, that it was real, that it had meaning. But that's what I felt.

What we choose to believe is sometimes not rational...

Illogicality

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 24 Jul 2013 23:56:00 +0000

No one cares any more.

I've moaned and complained and whinged for too long.

Proportionality I shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone IS right: forget her, her loss, there's other people and other women, she didn't deserve me, it's been too long I shouldn't be still be thinking about it, move on, forget, etc, etc ad infinitum.

It's all true. It's irrational, I'm being irrational, it's illogical. Time wise is ridiculous really. Consciously I agree and and know all that. I do, I believe in it.

But... now tell my heart that. Tell the pain in my chest when I stop for more than a few minutes. Tell my stupid brain why he's not accepting it.

I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I really am, trying so very hard. Work. Seeing friends. Going out. Running. Writing. Keep my routine going. Meeting new people. Living, as normal. Or as I want to live it. Meeting new people. Doing new things.

But it seems the busier I get it makes no difference. It's just when I'm busy I don't think about it. I have one, two maybe even three days when I'm alright and I think I'll be ok, but then...

It all comes back.

I did see you today L. I saw her. I wasn't alone, I blocked it. Now, at the very late of the night, the witching hour it's all come back.

All I can think is: are you happy now? I want to text you and find out how you are. Then I feel what would it accomplish? Isn't it over? And that just makes me even worse. A part of me wants to believe that I ought to do something, fight for her, show her how much I love her, and persuade her how foolish and silly it all was, how precipitous a decision it was...! But... it's not the first time, it was the second time. So then I feel guilty for being stupid. At the same time that I'm annoyed that no one gets it.

No one really understands how I feel. The depths of what I felt, feel, for this person. It wasn't long no. It was, however, intense, a very deep connection, a trust, an ability to trust so completely I never experienced with anyone ever before. A twinning of minds in so many things.

I can't even finish writing this coherently or making any sort of point.

Tomorrow I'll go on. And it'll be a good day. And I'll have fun. And I'll put on a brave face.

Maybe that's what's annoying me now. I'm used to not caring and just wallow in and let my feelings wash over me. I'm not doing that, trying to be "better", more "grown-up" and "adult" and "mature" about things. Biting the bullet. Fighting my own nature, because that's the bad bits about me right? The self wallowing, depressive tendencies that runs through the blood in my veins.

And so I put on a front, a new me. Just as I had found myself again a few months back, I seem to now in the process of forging a new cover.

Is it healthy? Is it easier? Does it help? Perhaps it helps somebody, other people... Maybe I should think about other people hey...?

I'm being facetious and selfish now. All I know is, I love that person and I cannot so easily let go. I've already let her go and it's proving one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Letting go of my own feelings for her as well on top of that, and ignoring the loss and the missing as well... I can't. But I should accept that it's over.

It's illogical. Irrational. But then our relationship was always antithetic. The rate at how things evolved, the speed at which we shared our lives and each other, the pace we progressed our involvement was always our own.

The brightest flame burns the brightest. Why can't it carry on burning?

It burns within me still.

Why doesn't it burn within you?

Or does it but it just hurts you too much?

And you're too afraid of the flame?

"Just because it burns it doesn't mean it's gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try"

I feel like by letting go, so easily, I've not tried hard enough, I've not fought for it.

I don't know. All I do know is that when I see you I know I still care for you. And I think about you every day.

Sunday 17th February

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 12:59:00 +0000

Five months ago today I had the most wonderful day.

And I fell in love.

Many more wonderful, and special days followed, much happiness was found.

I was willing to do anything!

And I did, all that I could have done. So I regret nothing I did or didn't do because I did it all.

Oh 17th I shan't never forget you.

Xp

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Tue, 16 Jul 2013 20:35:00 +0000

"Look at any experience as a mandala.

Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can.

And when you're done pack it up and know it was all temporary.

Remember that, it's all temporary."

Four weeks, one month, goodbye L.

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 10 Jul 2013 16:57:00 +0000

Four weeks today.

Four weeks ago you asked me to let you go and I said I would.

I have but fuck it's been hard.

There have been hard days, there have been weird days, there have been easier days, there have been mixed days.

Yes, it has progressively got easier.

Slowly.

Minutes have given way to hours have given way to days. In which I have not cried.

Minutes have given way into hours when I don't think about you.

Hell, I even dream about you and I have no control over those. But even they have decreased in intensity.

Some days you are no longer the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

Yes I can function. Yes I can work. Yes I have not isolated myself. Yes I have laughed and had fun. I have even managed to stay calm and help others.

Today is not one of those days. Today was/is a mixed day. It started off so well though! But as soon as I had a few moments to myself...!

Thoughts returned. Feelings overwhelmed me. Tears threaten to come. I had to leave, I couldn't help anybody today. And tears have finally come. I've let them. It's been four days, four good days, sincerely, I have felt well. Today not so much. But I'm allowed I think, I'll allow it myself. I'll cry it out. And remember you. Your face, your touch, your words, our kisses, your company, your attention, your photos, photos of us, our music, our playlist. I'm remembering you today, intensely, so I can move on, and forget you.

Why today and not tomorrow? Or yesterday? It's the tenth today, a month and four weeks since those dreadful text messages. It's not a Monday today, it's just a number, an arbitrary meaning we (myself) ascribe to this day. Life would be easier, apparently, if we didn't attributed extra meaning to things and dates and events than themselves actually had.

I agree, but we can't live our life without meaning: it's difficult enough not believing in God and organised religion and all the meaning that brings to everything, without assigning some meaning to events in your life. You have to.

Here I sit listening to our playlist, the song I used to sing and translate to you. And I know I will be okay. Eventually. My heart is broken, but I am strong. My feelings do get the better of me most of the time but I think I have found a good balance. I will allow myself some time to grieve for you, for it is a kind of grief that I feel for the end of our relationship. In private, on my own, not letting it affect my work, and allowing myself to have fun, and carry on living. Not putting my life on standby.

Today is the exception, yes. But I've been good, I'm allowed a moment, a day of weakness. Today I will not, have not, followed MEC's advice, I have thought about and followed your advice M.: sometimes it's ok to block it out a little bit, delay it all so that time passes, and further down the line is easy to deal with. So today I've left work early. I've taken the night off to go laugh and have fun, I'm in no state to help anyone, so I shall have Friends and games and beer to distract me.

Laughter some say is the best remedy.

I'm not the first nor shall I be the last to suffer a broken heart. It might even happen to me again, possibly even repeatedly! I hope not. It kinda sucks. But it's normal, unfortunately.

Yet I regret nothing. There's very little I would have done differently. And I will treasure that time and those good moments dearly. I have learnt so much! About myself and about being with someone that that cannot be understated.

Acceptance and accepting is proving harder though. But the ultimate question, really, I know, you've asked it of me M., is: would I take her back? If she came to me with regret and whatever words? Would I?

My heart says yes, for I love her. My mind says no, absolutely not, man ego and pride at play.

But altogether? Rationally? Even emotionally but firmly planted? No. There was a second chance. There were things said that I believed in and were betrayed. And a single promise, forgiven once, broken twice. Not again.

So the answer is no. I love you L., but, as I told you, sincerely, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I will let you go.

I am that person, now. That can let go the woman he loves if it will make her happy, or happier, or is what she desires. Without extra drama and hang ups and chasing and whatnot. No.

And so we come full circle, four weeks, one month, to this day I said I would let you go. I have, albeit slowly. I have and I will.

I love you but I will let you go.

Goodby my love. Goodbye L. x

Temptation sin

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 23:35:00 +0000

It's so easy, sooo easy to slip back in that way of life.

Crap easy food.

Do fuck all when you get home.

Care about nothing.

Watch TV.

Numb your brain.

Remove your feelings.

Block it all out.

It's comfortable, it's distracting, it's easy.

It's so very tempting.

Part of me wants it, undeniably.

TV series are just so very good these days.

So easy to give in to temptation.

Another part of me doesn't want it.

It doesn't want to be that person anymore.

But the hurt is great, it has weakened me, my resolve.

I have to fight it. Fight the worst of my nature.

The hurt IS less now. It is getting lesser every day. Some days I no longer cry. Some days several hours go by without me thinking about it.

Bit it's still there. As saudades. The missing. The broken heart. The hard done by feelings. The love that was not enough. The touch that is not more. The beauty I no longer see. The attention I no longer get.

"Sadness will only pass, will only go away, by getting sad. There's no art to it, just time and patience. Remembering, finishing remembering so that you can move on and forget." Something like that. I've read that, I have that text, and I believe in it. I don't want to block it out, I don't want to become that person again.

But it's so hard, it hurts, I cry. So often...

Whatever anyone says believes, I know. I loved. Truly. I did. I do. It doesn't just go away, disappear like that.

I loved, and it wasn't enough.

I love, but it's not enough.

Ciclo rápido

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 23:35:00 +0000

Não esperava escrever mais posts.

Algo mudou em mim, nas últimas seis semanas, ou melhor, eu relembrei-me, finalmente, de quem eu sou.

E apercebi-me por fim, do que estava errado na minha vida, e comecei a tratar de o corrigir.

Já muito fiz e o caminho não está ainda completo mas o processo está começado.

Entretanto, e por acaso, inesperadamente, algo mágico aconteceu. Encontrei a felicidade ao lado de alguém muito especial. Foi tudo muito rápido muito acelerado muito intenso. Mas ao mesmo tempo, natural, calmo e perfeito.

Amei. Sem dúvida, e sem reservas. E foi tudo o que sempre sonhei. Em três semanas vivi na realidade o que pensei que só acontecia em filmes e na minha imaginação. Mas é mesmo verdade. E sei que foi correspondido.

Tenho dito que poderia acabar amanhã que já teria valido a pena. Continuo a acreditar nisso, disse-o ao final de uma semana, duas e três.

Agora, que possivelmente, poderá efectivamente acabar amanhã, acredito na mesma que já valeu a pena, apesar de ir ser extremamente difícil, doloroso e sei que as saudades me irão partir o coração.

Contudo, escrevi isto, e é por isso que estou a escrever este post, pois é esse o objectivo do meu blog, exorcizar a escrever.

" A vida continua, meus amigos
Mesmo depois de perdas
Perdas de morte
Perdas de amor
O sol continuará a existir
Vamos continuar a respirar
E o mundo girará continuamente
Por muitos e muitos anos
Mesmo depois de morte
E de amores perdidos
O que fica
É quem fica
E quer ficar
E nós
Nós próprios
E o que é importante
É valorizar quem fica
E saber quem somos
E continuar
Em frente, de preferência
Apesar de tudo
E de tudo o que é menos bom
Haverá sempre coisas boas
E pessoas que amamos
E elas balançam o resto
Ou melhor ainda,
Contra-balançam
E fazem a nossa existência valer a pena
Mas também temos que fazer pela vida
E fazer essa vida contar
Fazê-la rica
E preenchida
Por nós próprios
E para nós

E se alguém o quiser partilhar
Bom, isso seria perfeito
Mas não indispensável
Apesar de o parecer.
Mas sem dúvida
Sozinho
Será sempre incompleto
Mas não invalida
O que queremos ser
E ter uma vida boa
E cheia"

Finally, the answer

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 15:12:00 +0000

So I have found it, at last the answer. Thanks to David Wong (alias) and his insightful article at Cracked.com.

Answer or answers, in my case is more answers, plural.

To the question of why am I so goddamned lazy and sloppy in my personal life? Yet I know I am hard-working I have shown it at work, I know this, yet I cannot bring myself to do it, or I do it only sparingly. I have been analysing myself and my life and writing about it, yet I couldn't quite make it out. I could, and did, point lots of fingers, to myself included, but could not pinpoint the ultimate final reason.

But now I know. It's because misery is comfortable, and happiness takes effort. And it takes courage to break free of the misery. And I have not had the courage to do it. And because I haven't had the courage to do it, and because I haven't done enough, I hate myself for it.

It is as simple as that.

And what follows from that realisation, from this dawning, is another answer, one that I had already partially fathomed out myself.

The answer to the never quite formed or written down question: why am I alone and why am I different from those people that easily find girlfriends? Or happiness? A friend asked me once, will you never find happiness? (I didn't answer you M, because I had never phrased it like that in my mind). For the answer is, in the end, the same. If I hate myself for it, and if I hate my life or parts of it then how could anyone else want spend time with me? Because that is what is needed to find a partner, someone that wants to spend time with you to be part of your life.

If you don't want to be in your life half the time why would anyone else? Why would they want to be a part of it? Even if they don't know the particulars you must exude it, from comments and body language and other.

Again, it is that simple.

So, yes, change is needed. I have known this for some time. I just couldn't figure out exactly where and or why even though I felt it, and it is why the only solution I could ever see was a radical and complete change, but that is even scarier and harder to make happen!

So, little changes. Little things. What do I really want? I don't know, but I have always wanted to make a difference and help people, well let's start there. I may not be able to be a doctor but there are other ways to help. Not because I am selfish and I want to feel good, but because I like to help and I think I would be good, and in the end if you help someone they've been helped. It's a win win, I don't know how I have ever managed to rationalise it into not doing it.

That's step 1. Step 2 is to create something. I love to write. I do and I have used it as an escape to work things out. Which is fine, but it's for personal consumption, and very dear friends. It's time to create, and actually do it. The idea is there, it has been for so many years, and I even wrote the titles, so, let's just do it.

Step 2 done, onto Step 3. Learn something new. Well I have already signed up for it and did very little about it and almost gave up on it. Why? Is the reason now less valid than when I signed up for it? No, so, let's just crack on with it.

Step 4. Enable steps 2 and 3. I don't have "time" to do them, because it's too easy to be distracted by television. Well let's have the courage to do one thing and cancel cable. This will "create" a lot of time that can be used for learning and creating and helping.

It's scary. It's kind of monumental. But I have to do it. I am going to do it. Very recently I wrote about choices. The choice to have a fancy phone, and to have a car and to have cable tv. Well, I may well still need the car if I need to find a job out of town, but the other two I do not really need, however I may be tied to a phone contract for a few more months. But cable, sorry but you're going.

And this is it. I have worked it out. Not on my own. But I have. I know the answers and the reasons and what I need to do. I just got to do it. So I stop hating myself, or at least part or parts of me.

And therefore, this may well be the last post on this blog. Maybe it will, maybe it will not. But this was an exercise in exorcising demons and writing for the sake of it. Well, I think the demons are well and truly out and I have worked out a lot of things, on my own and with help from friends, and I wrote, pretty regularly, so the reason of its being may be over.

Maybe it is maybe it isn't. Maybe I'll write a different blog. If I have the time.

Goodbye 2012 and the last 35 years. Hello 2013 and the rest of my life.

PS - M, este e' realmente, e verdadeirament, uma epifania. Ufa, andei tanto tempo ha' procura dela! Mas suponho que so' se tenha uma vez na vida, se for assim, tive-a agora.

Significado do Natal

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 10:58:00 +0000

As palavras não são minhas mas não podia concordar mais: prendas e doces é tudo muito bom mas... só tem significado com a família toda reunida à volta da mesa.

Sem dúvida estás mais velho, mas ainda és suficientemente novo H, no entanto já tens grande sabedoria!

Também concordo, se bem que parte da minha família ... enfim.

A outra parte, gostava de aí ter estado convosco, seria como um novo Natal para mim.

Suspiro.

Talvez para o ano?

End of the month end of the year

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 18:05:00 +0000

It's 6 o'clock and I feel like the day is over
It's 6 o'clock and I could easily just go to bed

It's Sunday and the world has passed me by
It's Sunday and life is passing me by

It's the last month at the end of the year
And the end of the world did not come

It's Christmas but it's just another day
Another Christmas in my life
Another Christmas that is passing me by
It's Christmas and it should be every day

Another Christmas
Another year
And 2009 is 3 years away

It's December
It's Sunday
It's Christmas time
It's the end of the year

Where is my Christmas?
Where is my new year?
Where is... my life?
Where am I?
In this world of holidays and family and relationships?

I am here and nowhere
It's the end of the year
But it's not the end of the world

Can I, next year, be somewhere?

September 1997

noreply@blogger.com (P) — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 10:30:00 +0000

As I listen to Fun's We Are Young I am driving past what was the first street I walked in Leicester back in 1997 when I first came to England.

It's difficult to cast your mind back and remember what you were like and what I was feeling and what the mindset was.

I like to think I was more determined back then and full of confidence but I'm not sure that's exactly true, I think that came after living here, in England, and experiencing this new culture, new attitudes and university, its life and its lectures.

I think I was actually very low in confidence when I first arrived, fresh if 19 years old. Slightly scared, more bemused than scared and somewhat determined, I think I took it all quite naturally.

That day I waited on this very street, outside my friends house, the only address I had, I didn't even know where the university was or the campus in Scraptoft. I waited for ages, I had come a week late and my friend was in lectures. I remember clearly reading the Leicester Mercury (don't remember how I had it!) and reading about Leicester City football players, I didn't recognise a single player lol, now I could name half the squad from back then, of course winning the league Cup and having a league parade through the city centre helped ;)

I remember finding my friends place very strange, a room with a mini-kitchen, then shared bathrooms in the house. But then I got to campus and my room and the rest is history.

Every time I drive through here it reminds me of those days on my first year, that first day and other times visiting and spending time with the other Portuguese friends that were here.