My Family Has Two Houses

2011-04-29T10:05:00.001-04:00

Co-parenting: for your children's sake - Relate Better - Article - More Than Medication

2011-04-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

Co-parenting: for your children's sake - Relate Better - Article - More Than Medication

Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
Author, My Family Has Two Houses

"My Family Has Two Houses" offers promo gift of parent support

2010-09-30T16:14:00.000-04:00

UNTIL CHRISTMAS, any parent who purchases my book will receive a free 30 minutes of help from Sharon Shenker, the founder of Divorce Support Plus, and author of the interactive workbook, My Family Has Two Houses.

I would love to know that another two or three hundred kids have received some guidance, support and education from one of their parents as to how to deal with, cope with, adjust tom, and thrive despite their parents' split.

So... I am making this offer and hoping people take me up on it!

Seriously...

Purchase the book for only $8.95

at www.divorcesupportplus.ca

and receive my gift of 30 minutes FREE coaching,

with me directly, whether in person, on the phone or using skype...

just buy the book, and leave the information for me to contact you

FOR YOUR FREE 30 MINUTE SESSION on how to help your child thrive!

Co-parenting: for your children's sake

2010-02-18T11:38:00.000-05:00

While divorce or separation means a split for parents, it shouldn’t mean a split from cooperative parenting — and that requires a co-parenting plan. Read these tips from an expert and learn why and how.

“If parents are divorced or separated, then their children will only do as well in adapting to a new lifestyle as their parents are,” says Sharon Shenker, therapeutic Family and Relationship Coach. “Having a co-parenting plan in place helps these children feel more secure, self-assured and self-confident.”

While a court judgement can be brief and may overestimate the capacity of both parents to cooperate with each other, a co-parenting plan anticipates this and the challenges of everyday life along with the changing needs of children as they grow.

“A co-parenting plan is basically a blueprint outlining the details of how you’re going to be establishing and sustaining your two-parent relationship while living in two different houses,” says Sharon. “Since not living in the same house usually means not communicating every day to decide who is doing what at the moment, this pre-planning is essential for success.”
The basics of a co-parenting plan

Here are Sharon Shenker's top tips for developing a plan that works:

1. Determine your list of things to discuss. Each parent should draw up a list of discussion items. This list could include anything from dropping off and picking up from school to doctor’s appointments and special events. And both parents should understand and be familiar with their children’s everyday needs in case the other has to step in.
2. Agree on emergency contact info. Agree on who gets contacted and who is the secondary contact should the first parent not be available. You may also have the option to have both parents contacted at the same time. If that’s the case, take it. While that may sound basic, outdated emergency contact info after a divorce or separation is quite common and, obviously, can lead to big concerns for children in need of their parents.
3. Set a schedule for daily things. Depending on custody agreements, it’s likely that only one parent handles the routine school pick-up and drop-offs. However, parents shouldn’t ignore out-of-the-ordinary occurrences; for example, weekend sports practice and games, special clubs and birthday parties with friends.
4. Plan for holidays. Decide in advance which parent gets the children for the holidays — including summer and March break. Also plan for out-of-town trips for special occasions or if the children will spend time alone with grandparents who live in a different city. Having all of this set out makes it easier when the time actually comes. Holiday details should be in writing in a calendar format and parents should also include time for their children to relax so that they’re not constantly carted around from one place to another.
5. Don’t forget about discipline. It’s common for newly divorced or separated couples to continue or start fighting about different parenting styles — and that includes discipline. But it’s important for both parents to be consistent. Agree on how to discipline your children and how that discipline will be maintained when children stay with their other parent. Sharon recommends parents compile a “Rule Book” that outlines agreed punishments and rewards and have a copy in each household to ensure consistency.
6. Work with a mediator — particularly if your separation isn’t an amicable one. By working with a mediator or divorce coach, you’ll be better able to come up with a comprehensive plan that suits your family’s needs. Just be sure to work at coming together in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way and keep the focus on what your children need.

While it’s easy to sometimes blurt out things in anger or frustration, Sharon suggests that you first ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say or do going to benefit or hurt my children?”
Useful links

The following links will lead you to more information and sources:

* Quiz: Are you stuck in splitsville?
* Dealing with divorce of separation stress

How Many Times Will It Take?

2010-01-20T03:34:00.000-05:00

Once again a family is having to go through the pain and torment of a divorce. I was chatting with a man, through emails, who wanted to keep his family together and liked the services I provide so he wanted his wife to come for a couple of session to see if I could help them save their relationship by changing it, but his wife said no. She was not interested in relationship coaching, she wants a divorce.

I was really glad they decided to go for the six free mediation sessions offered here in Quebec. In fact, I know of the mediator they are planning to work with. He he has a good reputation and I think a good track record for being able to help his clients through the process without anyone giving up and going for the court battle.

They have four kids between them. Two older ones from her first marriage, and five year old twins together. I don't know the details, but I was thinking about them tonight and wondering if the older ones will get to still spend time with this man, and their younger siblings. I hope the mediator will be able to help them come to a healthy agreement about visitation for them all to be continue as a family unit. Wouldn't it be sad if the twins rarely see their older siblings?

And, what happens if she meets a new guy, and marries again? Will there be another man for these four kids to call 'Dad'? A third one for the older kids, and a second for the younger ones, and I wonder how many kids he will have. So many children live with revolving parents nowadays... and it's so difficult for them. I once worked with a young girl who did not understand who some of the people were to her. She had even been told that her father's new girlfriend was her friend because the father did not want his soon-to-be-ex to know he already had a girlfriend. She was so confused, and I was disappointed that the father refused to tell the truth, allowing his daughter to believe and live a lie he created.

Sometimes I just want to scream out, "No relationship is perfect! No person is perfect! Human beings have faults but we have to work at keeping that loving connection when we have said "I do" and had kids!" I have had so many clients come to me on the verge of divorce and when I ask either the husband or wife, "when was the last time you went out together, alone, just the two of you to had fun?" Honestly, each time, the answer is a silent shrug of the shoulders, a look of confusion, possibly a look at each other, and then simply, "I don't remember. I guess a long time ago." Some even add, "maybe before the kids." I don't understand how anyone can think the fun, passion, and connection between them can last with not effort to keep the fire going in the relationship.

I'll stop going on about this now and end with a suggestion for those of you who are in a relationship now. If you want to feel that spark again so that you don't feel stuck in a boring or loveless relationship, use the calendar on my site. It's called, "28 Days To Make Your Relationship Sizzle Again!" As you follow the daily instructions, I'm sure your relationship will begin to once again be full of joy and passion in time for Valentine's Day, and ... your children won't have to wonder how many times you're going to fall in love and then leave that person. They won't have to ask themselves or You, "How many times will it take... for you to understand that you have to do the work to keep the relationship loving and strong enough to hold the family together in one house?"

Is it Full-Time Dads and Part-Time Kids or...

2010-01-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about a former client tonight who was recently separated and really annoyed with the legal system. He believed that even with shared and joint custody these days, the system still seemed to have a biased attitude - more readily assuming that the mother was the natural choice for custodial parent.

My thoughts started with this memory of his deep sorrow that occasionally came out as anger, sometimes at the wrong times for his presentation to the lawyers or court system. But he was mostly sad, on the verge of depression, because of not getting to see his children on a daily basis. As I thought of him, my mind switched to a more expansive view of separated fathers in general and how they all have such different experiences whereas it is still the norm for women to talk about being single moms.

Interesting... How is it that most women are single mothers, yet we refer to fathers as having visitation or shared custody? Hmmm... is that in itself a bias?

I know that some men manage to get along with their ex-partners, but for many father each encounter is a potential for conflict. Some share the children week by week, others are limited to every second weekend maybe with a Wednesday dinner thrown in there as a gesture of good-will, or something. Some fathers are only able to see their children under supervision, and way too many aren't getting to see their kids at all.

I recently met someone whose son has not seen his own son in many years and I tried to find out why because it didn't make sense to me. My mind just cannot accept that a good father would be refused the opportunity of being in his son's life, or in reverse, for a boy to not be permitted to have his dad in his life.

This father/grandfather I'm referring to did not know the details, and all I could think was that his son might have been told that to resume visitation he would have to go through supervised visits until the courts and or the mother, agreed that the boy felt comfortable, secure, safe and attached enough to his dad to be left alone with him... and he refused. Leaving both him and his son as the losers of so much.

I keep thinking about it, and how, one way or another most separating parents go through pretty heavy challenges for everyone, but the fathers who want to remain in their children's lives sometimes seem to have to fight for the right to be a part-time dad, and almost all the kids become part-time kids - with mom and with dad.

I try to convince all fathers not to back out of the struggle no matter how tough it might be feeling for them. I truly feel for them, although I have never had to fight to have the right to parent my daughters. Amazingly, my feelings grow even stronger for all the children who are often silently devastated when either parent chooses to back out of their life. I don't understand why mothers and fathers are not seen as equally important to a child, as well as equally capable of being a bad influence to a child. It's not as if I have not had any female clients that I did not think were suitable to be responsible for their children, even part-time.

Helping devoted dads cope with the challenge of creating a satisfying lifelong relationship with their children is something that I am really passionate about, probably in part due to my childrens' father turnind his back on them when he started a new life, and new family. But, why I do what I do always goes back to my love for children. In fact, I often tell clients who are worried that I will be biased towards one parent over the other not to worry because "I work for your kids but make you pay." I guess you just can't take the preschool teacher out of me.

Family Lawyers That Really Care

2010-01-16T12:42:00.001-05:00

All lawyers say they care, but...
After twenty-five years of working with children and their families; ten of those years being dedicated to helping families reconstruct and individuals thrive despite a divorce, I am very pleased to announce that I believe I have struck gold in the community of Family Lawyers... here in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, that is.

I know there are many, many firms across Canada and the United States that have been working on the collaborative divorce format for years, with a team of professionals that includes divorce coaches, but it was only recently that I had the pleasure of meeting with a law firm here in Montreal that is different from the rest.

So many times in the past, I would be told things like, "send me the clients who have money." In addition to that some actually added, "that will be a juicy war." Dozens of lawyers accepted my invitation to work in conjunction with me to provide their clients with a team effort that would include the emotional divorce aspects that I provide...and they are not trained to do... but nothing came of it. One lawyer even told me he would never send anyone to me because that would be giving away his money, and he laughed at me like I was a fool for not getting it. Well, what I got was that he's what I refer to as a war-lord who fills his own pocket while causing the wars that produce family destruction and devastation for the children... often affecting their adult life and future relationships.

Back to a positive note...

Here is my news of a family law firm that truly cares:
I have finally found a Montreal-based law firm that is a different kind of law firm. They care about the families and the children so much that they have taken another step in proving their offering of 'unparalleled service' to their clients by asking me if I was interested in joining their team at St-Clair & Associates. So, I am now one of their team members which can be seen at www.divorcelawyermontreal.com

Sebastien St-Clair is even sharing his time with me (for you and your little ones!) to help make the workbook for children of divorce available again very soon. His vision, as the founder of the firm was "to create a law firm with exceedingly high client-service standards that would change the image of the legal profession." He assembled his core group of lawyers "guided by the core values of integrity, simplicity and support" ... and I certainly think he's still doing those things.

Don't forget to click on the "Your Team" link to see my profile!
Or copy and paste this: http://www.divorcelawyermontreal.com/index-4.html

Happy Grandparents Day!

2009-12-07T20:29:00.001-05:00

"Something to look forward to...."

This Grandparents Day, we wanted to know what you think is the best part of being a grandparent. Here's what you told us.

View >>

Rebuilding Your Life After A Divorce

2009-11-22T18:42:00.000-05:00

I came across an online article that I was stunned by. I wrote some of the wording down to do a blog about it one day. It was about and called "Rebuilding your life after a divorce." The author was telling people "you should start leading the life of a single person immediately! ..... You should force yourself to make a date at least once a week..... even if it's only dinner with someone you work with, .... Basically, you should just out and out not concern yourself with the "yes or no" possibilities of a sexual encounter." and finally ended with, "Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and you will be happy again."

Wow!
I tried to find to out who wrote it because I can't think of a better way to continue and even expand upon negative behaviour patterns than by never doing your awareness, accountability, healing and growth work after a relationship ends. Doing none of one’s personal work and immediately rushing out to find someone new to date or have sex with, in my opinion, will almost certainly result in (or inflict upon!) more problems in the next relationship(s) by this person.
I feel bad for anyone who believes this b.s. and jumps into bed with a work mate or anyone else right away as a way of ‘rebuilding’ life after a divorce’! I couldn’t find the author’s name. All I know is that it was a free ebook on a site that supposedly offers quality books. This ebook was an example of all the not-so-reputable information on the internet.

If you really think over what the author was saying, it just doesn’t make sense on so many levels. Aside from it being a suggestion to exercise “masking” rather than “dealing” with the reality of a lost or ended relationship, the idea of growing from a failed marriage or long-term relationship is totally ignored. Advising people to basically go through the motions of being a single person instead of doing their growth work sounds not just unprofessional, it actually sounds like something teenagers would suggest to their friends, or think to do themselves, but certainly not what I would expect from someone who is qualified to articles about relationships.

Going out with friends and/or meeting new people ‘while’ doing our past relationship work is one thing, but to say that “time and people will cure all your ills” is just ridiculous! Time does not just heal all wounds or ills. If it did, we sure as heck wouldn’t have such a huge assortment of psychiatrists, psychologists, anxiety or depression medications, and even relationship coaches like me. Imagine how different life would be if we really just had to go out on a date and have sex with a stranger to get over the pain and devastation of your whole life falling apart on you. But, they didn’t say you would heal by doing it. They simply suggested that as the way to rebuild your life after a divorce. Hmmm…

Sharon Shenker, ece, fle, ba, mbti, cvbc
Family Relationships and/or Divorce Coach
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
Author, My Family Has Two Houses
Adviser, www.morethanmedication.ca
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
www.lovingtherightways.com
514-804-3585

Ban of Divorce or Add Stipulations?

2009-10-24T15:03:00.000-04:00

Imagine a new law banning divorce? How many divorced couples do you know that would be affected by such a ban? Is it really possible to force people to stay together? Well, it just might be law in the future, in California anyways.

An article recently posted in the Los Angeles Times says that, "California Secretary of State Debra Bowen... authorized the backer of an initiative that would ban divorce to begin getting signatures to put the proposed constitutional amendment before voters."

Wow! I have believed for many years that the majority of divorced did not actually have to take place IF ONLY the couple had received appropriate help in enriching their relationship.

Most of the couples that I have worked with, over the past ten years, have been arguing about the same issues and hurts for years - but, if we as a society became more proactive and preventive, rather than interventionists who wait for problems to become extreme or extremely damaging, my belief is that at least 75% of marriages would be dramatically improved and thereby saved.

When couples who have been together for forty plus years are asked how they have managed that almost miraculous feat according to today's divorce statistics, not a single one of them, to my knowledge, has ever said that they never had an argument or fight. In fact, most admit (or try to teach!) that they not only experienced problems and disagreements, but had bad years.

So, would a ban on divorces with an added clause that says, 'WITHOUT spending a minimum of four to six months working with a relationship coach' prevent divorces? You bet! But, just putting a ban on divorces without that clarification or stipulation does not make any sense to me as the solution to the problem. Because the problem is not just that one partner no longer feels in love with the other and wants a divorce - 'why' the relationship is so unfulfilling and unhappy is what needs to be dealt with and changed to a desire by both partners to want to stay together - differently, happily, cohesively, respectfully, and maturely IF THEY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER!

That's my opinion. Please feel free to comment on mine and/or post your own view.

Ban divorce? Ballot effort gets OK to gather signatures

2009-10-24T01:32:00.003-04:00

Ban divorce? Ballot effort gets OK to gather signatures

Posted using ShareThis

Ban divorce? Ballot effort gets OK to gather signatures

2009-10-24T01:32:00.001-04:00

Ban divorce? Ballot effort gets OK to gather signatures

Posted using ShareThis

New voice blog: If you're getting divorced...

2009-10-15T16:49:00.001-04:00

Sharon's Voice Blog

If You're getting Divorced... hire a family & relationship coach to help you work on your emotional divorce so that...
Posted by Loving the Right Ways at 1:41 PM

Sensible Steps: Noncustodial parents face extra challenges to stay involved with their kids

2009-10-11T00:43:00.000-04:00

Sensible Steps: Noncustodial parents face extra challenges to stay involved with their kids

2009-08-13T00:57:00.001-04:00

Harmonious Divorce.... words that many people think are impossible to go together!

Tune in to Claudine Struck's online radio show "Stay Sane Now" on Voice America and you can listen to the following three expert opinions.

Belinda Rachman, Esq. will discuss what it means to have a Peaceful Divorce. Whether its how couples can save the most money when divorcing or the effects of divorce on children and how to minimize the trauma of divorce on the kids…she’s the expert.

Sharon Shenker, of Divorce Support Plus, will share her views on how important it is for each parent to do their own healing, adjustment and acceptance work for them to be able to create a harmonious rather than conflictual and angry divorce. She'll also give a checklist you can use to see if you are closer to surviving or thriving, and aides for school-aged children.

Jeanie Rule, of Solo Mama, will talk about positive communication with your ex after a divorce. Most divorced couples don't realize that they have to change the way they relate and speak to each other, especially when there are children involved. Learning new communication skills keeps fighting to a minimum, reduce the odds of ending up back in court and definitely help individuals stay sane.

You can contact Sharon Shenker for more information about the subject and coaching with her at 514-804-3585, sharonshenker@gmail.com, http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca or

Divorce is so hard on kids!

2009-04-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

If you have children and split up from their father, for whatever reason, he is NOT going to be out of your life you might be thinking, "good riddance to him/her" but he's never going to actually be out of your life unless he dies or becomes a real dead-beat dad. Both of which would be awful for your children to have to live with.

Another thing that is awful for your children, is you hanging on to that feeling of hating having to see or speak to him. Every time you feel or think one of those, your kids feel it! They are so much more aware of feelings than most parents of divorce give them credit for. You know, the times when you talk about him on the telephone to your best friend when your kids are in another room and when he picks up your son/daughter and you give him that look of hatred, your children pick up on both!

Getting a divorce with children is probably one of the toughest decisions or experiences you will ever go through because of the kids. And yet, so many parents who work with me assume that the kids are fine. How can that be? Really, any parent who comes to more help in coping with, maneuvering through or getting over a divorce - - how can they assume that they need help but their kids are just fine?!? I'm so often baffled by this logic or lack of it.

The majority of children of divorce that I have worked with, in the past twenty or more years now, are not doing so well when I first meet them. So many of them were never even told the parents were splitting up in advance. One day, one of their parents was moving out... period. Others were told by one parent and all the blame was put on the other. Some kids just woke up and mommy or daddy was gone; no one warned them. There are so many variations and stories of how the children found out, but all in all, you're still left with thousands upon thousands of kids living through their parents' separation and divorce.

Parents sometimes tell me they're concerned for their child. S/he really doesn't like going to see the other parent cause s/he isn't a good parent; s/he doesn't spend enough time with them, just takes them to McDonalds and buys them expensive toys instead of paying me my child support and alimentary pension, etc. etc. Here's the usual - I say something like, "why don't you bring him/her in to talk with me so we can see how s/he is doing and help them with whatever help they need?" Suddenly, eight times out of ten, that very child is doing fine and doesn't need to come in.

So, here's what I did. I put together a workbook for the school-aged children of divorce to fill out on their own or with one of their parents so everyone can find out just how well s/he really is. You no longer need to hope in secret that s/he will survive or cope with your divorce because, for whatever reason, you don't want to get an outsider involved.

Just imagine how your child's life might change, right now, if you knew you could easily learn how to have those serious conversations with your child to help them thrive despite your divorce...

Please, go now to http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca and download my FREE 50+ page workbook for school-aged children of divorce. It's so simple. Download it. Print the pages you want your child to fill out or do the same sort of exercise with them on a blank sheet of paper if you want to save on your ink. Just see to it that your child is okay... and if not, get them the preventive help they need now instead of leaving them to suffer for years and then be told they need serious intervention later.

It's your choice if your child does well with your divorce. Get the help you need and give the help s/he needs, and I'm a simple email or phone call away, and please consider that I am a simple phone call or email away, wishing the very best for you and your whole family in this time of transition. Family reconstruction is not easy, but we can prevent it from being family destruction!