th 5/17- cate stayed home from school feeling sick. i was planning on beginning a large paper i had to write. but she required a lot of tending to. plus, i wasn't feeling quite right...

fr 5/18- cate and i both puked everywhere. grant stayed home from work to take care of us. i was either asleep or throwing up all day. i ate a few crackers and drank some gatorade. had no idea where cate was, but grant was on it. i heard the washer and dryer going a lot. i remembered what it feels like to be pregnant and in a sweaty room spinning moment of misery thanked heavenly father for infertility.

sa 5/19- cate missed her last soccer game and we both slept the last of the yuckies off. grant went grocery shopping, ran several other errands, cleaned the house, answered our every craving, and in general was superman. he also went to work at the church welfare farm as a service project, helped a neighbor lay sod as a service project, and stopped and changed a tire for two ladies who didn't speak english and were panicking (as a service project). he's like, i don't even know. amazing.

su 5/20- made it through the first hour of church, felt weak and cate and i headed back to bed. in horror i realized that paper i was planning on working on for three days was due by 10 pm that night, even though i don't do homework on the sabbath. emergencies happen, though, and with the clock ticking i researched and wrote for nine hours without a break. it was worse than the sweaty puking. after i turned it in i had a ton of reading and work to do for my classes the next day. stayed up till the wee wee hours.

mo 5/21- early morning i got cate up and off to school, and then barely made it through my own school. prayed constantly for the holy ghost to guide my comments through my classes, as usual, because said classes are intense round tables on subjects where a mormon's views are not desired. as usual, the holy ghost came through and i felt what to say and what not to say. even better, i felt respect being earned, slowly but surely. family home evening that night was going out to dinner which induced guilt. (i am a firm believer that that is not family home evening. a discussion and spiritual evening at home is. fun should be involved, of course. just my opinion). more late night homework.

tu 5/22- prayed-through class again. then pet day at cate's school. coco and i brought dottie the dog and then ate a crapload of del taco while we watched kristin wiig's last snl on the dvr. cried through ruby tuesday at the end (did you? i keep hearing that song in my head and getting sad again). after coco left, cate and i talked and shared some funny jokes, had a good mom moment. then i sat down on my bed. it was 4:30. i don't know what happened but the next thing i knew it was 7:30 and i was awoken by cate making copies of a circus program she had created with puppets. i panicked that she had missed activity days at church and had no dinner made for her (grant had to work late making up for friday). she told me no biggie, and she had made her own dinner. i hid and cried in sadness that i'm going to have to lower my bar...like...a lot.

tu 5/22 middle of the night- i felt better when grant talked in his sleep; that always cheers me up cause it's hi-larious. his big six foot self stood up on the bed and was pressing buttons on the wall. i said, "whatcha doing babe?" (i hate to wake him up, i love to see how it plays out). he said in a frustrated tone, "shhh! i am fixing the main navigation shelf!" i tried not to laugh as i asked, "are you still at work doing GIS or are you working on the millennium falcon?" which woke him up and he sheepishly laughed, laid down, and fell back asleep. it was awesome.

we 5/23- had a good, long prayer. everything is good. great even. bars get lowered sometimes, it's humbling, that's ok. we keep going. i keep telling myself what a difference a year will make! that makes me feel really good, how fast time goes. i am going to make a chain for all the weeks i have left of school (58) that's not so daunting, is it?! (we won't discuss the thousands of hours of counseling i have to do after, before i can be licensed). coco stopped by and we were both dressed like die hard guns n roses fans without planning. we are die hard guns n roses fans but it made us laugh a lot. we laughed for a few hours about lots and lots of things and it renewed my spirit. then, i got information about my social work field placement and i am very pleased. i will be working in one of the arenas i am most passionate about: substance abuse rehabilitation. it will be hard because it is court ordered and low budget: women trying to just jump through the hoops so they can get their kids out of foster care (as opposed to seeking help by choice). but a few women do decide sobriety is actually important in the long run. i will be very happy to help facilitate that decision for anyone in any way i can.

right now- life has a lot of meaning, growth opportunities, and no extra time to be depressed. grant is my hero and cate is my constant source of smiles. i am very, very grateful.

[my brother's law firm and his beautiful conference room]

my oldest brother is an attorney (a really good one- if you are in need and live in utah county, his office is on freedom blvd and is so beautiful). after passing the bar years ago, he took the risk of opening his own firm because he chose the stress being both a lawyer and a small business owner over the stress of having a boss. he likes to schedule his own life.

when trying to figure out what to do with all this free time i have now, i really understood his choice, however stressful. i needed to do something i felt was important, that used my talents, without giving up my freedom to schedule my own life or the ability to be a mother first.

decision process: 1. i knew i had to get out of the freaking house, where i am alone more often than not. being a wellness counselor at good earth wasn't cutting it- a constantly changing schedule with almost no notice and consisitently too many hours= no. 2. despite my passion for my certified teaching subjects: health and psychology, i won't sign any high school contract because of the lack of flexibility. i think i'd need mental health days more often than they would prefer i called for subs. 3. i don't feel like my handmade work is it for me, especially because it doesn't solve the problem of getting out of the freaking house. 4. there came strong feelings in my heart to return to school for further education in the mental health field. (and that settled it).

we are similar, my brother and i: it's freedom over security for us. i would rather take the stress of running a therapy practice on my terms than have someone else dictate my freedom, or rather, lack of. we have a love of learning and constant reading but dislike of formal learning institutions. we like a comfy space to work in- his office is equipped with an upstairs apartment where he relaxes to movies and classic rock records while writing depositions, rather than a life sucking crap space someone else designed. we both fight through anxiety and panic, but don't give into it out of sheer will to live the life we want regardless of our weaknesses. because i know he fights many of the same demons i do, and knows how to relax and work the way i also need to, i trust his advice.

he has been the most supportive of me going back to school. i was so scared. it's been a long time, and i am NOT good at doing what, or being where, i'm told to. i texted him, "i'm scared, i think i might actually have to study now." he texted back "ya, law school was a wake up call for me too. no worries." which i took to mean, i know you're smart enough and you'll get it done, just step it up a little. something i needed to hear so bad.

he also mentioned that in a few years after passing my own licensure exams i might as well get the doctorate. confidence in me! how i needed to hear that! i am maria getting off the bus to ring the door bell of the von trapp family. my brother was the reverend mother saying this isn't the life you planned, god has shut a door for awhile, but somewhere he's opened a window. climb every mountain! his support, (and grant's), has meant so much.

i just finished my first morning of msw classes. want to know how it went? like riding a bike. a big, pain in the arse bike. but, i just picked up cate from school after my classes were done and my little girl has no idea that anything is different in our world. so, all is well. i know it will be hard, and i know i will do just fine. thanks, brett.