my hour upon the stage

2 am with pointless thoughts

2016-01-11T02:03:00.000-04:00

So death? Am I right? Here is what I cannot wrap my mind around: we cannot die. There is a point, like that baseball never getting to home base, where you simply cease to be you. That point in time has to happen. Whatever makes you you ceases to be, disappearing like so much dust in the wind. Yes I went there, but it's a nice phrase. Then whatever is left stops functioning long after you stopped being you. So you cannot die. You exist forever in god's thoughts. Yeah, I really need to sleep. Love for some philosophical input, but nobody reads my ramblings which is probably for the best. Take care.

Survived

2014-10-31T00:36:00.001-03:00

the nights of thanksgiving and the next were absolute misery. My body was hurt, I could taste that awful cooper taste of blood, and my gut felt like it was rusting. That Wednesday has been better. I really have not had a bad body experience since then, although my work can be insanley stressful. My night supervisor is not afraid to help us get the work done. She is a force of nature. I am just going to keep on going . I have too.

Not sure how much I can take

2014-10-14T02:30:00.001-03:00

I got full time little over a month ago with a new shift. They told me it was going to be hard, but this isn't anything I can't handle. I have had bad days, impossible days, but I got it done. My body, however, is not handling the stress very well, even on good days. Going to work my nerves tense up. During work my gut and back, usually my neck, betray me. I walk around worried I might pass out. My sleep is worse then usual, which is saying something. Tonight my head hurt so bad I was seriously considering going to the ER. I can do the damn job, I know I can do it, but why does my body insist on heeding my subconscious? I have to figure out how to relax in my confidence. I have to figure this out.

Things to do

2012-02-23T14:57:00.001-04:00

List of Stuff to do this year in order of importance:

Marry my girl April on May 26^th

Go on Honeymoon to ye Old Quebec!

Go to Boston on for Hockey trip with Devon and the Bulldogs

Read entire Wheel of Time Series

Go See:

Batman

The Avengers

Spider-man

Brave

Prometheus

The Hobbit

Get to level 60 in Castle Empire

Clean Study,Organize study.

Teach Devon How to Juggle

Start writing my book

Get accepted for the Social worker Course at Saint Tomas University.

February 2012

2012-02-21T09:53:00.000-04:00

February 2012

This is going to be a busy year. First and foremost I am marrying the girl of my dreams, the one that I have been waiting all my life for. She makes me laugh, she challenges me, and she loves me. I love her with all my heart. The date is set for May 26^th, a few days after she turns 40 and a few days before I turn 41.

But before that we have a Boston trip to go to. Yep, another trip to Boston for the Stanley Bulldogs. I don’t know how their coach does it. This time we are going to win this tournament.

Then in June we have Jessie’s Graduation from High school, which is going to be a big family get together.

On top of all that you have the trivial but fun entertainment. So many movie to see. The Avengers, Batman, Spider-man, Brave, Prometheus, and The Hunger games to name a few. The last book of the Wheel of time series is coming out January 8^th of next year, and I intend to read all 13 books leading up to its release. As well, my favorite band TOOL is releasing their next CD sometime this year.

Coming home from Boston.

2011-07-15T13:51:00.000-03:00

Wow, I cannot believe it has been this long since my last post. Things happen. Went on a hockey trip to Boston, in early March, which was fantastic. My fiancée’s youngest fellow’s team, the Stanley Bulldogs, was the only team there from Canada I think. They almost made it to the finals. This was one trip I could not wait to tell my grandfather. My Grandfather was the type that detested nattering but was genuinely interested if you actually had something to say. The kids and the parents were all crowded on this bus, the kids sitting in the back. This gave April and I a good chance to get to know the other parents better. We watched numerous kids’ movies on small overhead TVs numerous times. The Bus Driver was great, and every time I got on the bus I noticed he had a pa system which he did not use much, except when we got to Boston and after we crossed the border. Before Boston the biggest city I had ever seen was Halifax. It was a little depressing to see the snow get less and less the further south we drove. Their last game could have gone either way, but even though we were upset that they lost, the families were more than ready to go home. We brought out lap top to stay in touch with everyone, but the cord was broken and the lap did the whole blue screen of death thing which far beyond my computer resurrection skills. This happened that Saturday I think. So this meant no contact with the folks back home, and no updates. I turned off my cell phone to avoid paying for long distance calls.

We left quickly after they lost the first game in the morning. A snow storm warning was our welcome back to Canada. The Storm grew worse as we were nearing the border, and the driving was slow. After we crossed the border the driver picked up the PA mike to thank everyone for being great passengers and also thank the kids in particular for some great games he watched. I decided to turn my cell phone back once we were back in the homeland. My phone went nuts buzzing non-stop, which was very unnerving, the device doesn’t do that much. The same messages over and over, “Phone home”, “Phone home.” Then it rang before I had a chance to phone.

The Driver meanwhile was telling stories and jokes to his passengers, and he seemed quite good at it. I did not hear a word of what he was saying, but the laughter in the coach was loud, and everyone seemed to be enjoying his stories.

I grabbed April’s hand as dad told me that my Grampy had a heart attack earlier that day, and he had died. My body went numb, my heart and body sank, I held tight to April, and the laughter continued all around me from young and old alike blissfully obviously oblivious to my sudden distraught condition. I hung up, and told April what had just happened. The Drive home became much longer. My Boston trip would remain an untold story for a grandfather who loved a good story.

Identity and Reality and other rambling

2010-11-26T13:37:00.002-04:00

Identity and Reality. Our Sense of Reality and identity are as permanent as waves on the ocean. We think that our self identity is different from everyone else’s, as each wave is different from each other wave, but we all are just drops in the same ocean with brief delusions of being waves before breaking onto the beach. Our problem is that we need an identity to anchor us into some figment of our reality. I am a longhaired jobless computer geek without a girlfriend. Suddenly the computer is gone, or we get a girlfriend, and that identity dissipates. We adapt. We adapt to being fired and move on and learn to deal with a new identify. Some people are so trapped in their self identify that they become lost when they are no longer who they once were. This is why we should not encase ourselves in false shells of self-identification. Just because you think you are the cool one, does not mean everyone else see you that way. Just because you think you are a loser, does not mean everyone else sees you as one. Just because. . .

There is another problem with the inherent delusion of self identify. We act the way we think we should in order to conform into behavior we think others see us as. I am a good worker, so I should act like a good worker. I should work hard, never be late, and help everyone. Other people might see you as sucking up to the boss, trying to make others look bad, and you only help those you like. Everyone has a different perspective of the person you are, shaped by their life experiences and own sense of identity. There is not much you can do about the way others see you. First impressions can in prison you for better or worse.

We own four faces, the one we think we are, the one we want to be, the one others see us as, and our true face. These four faces are in constant fluidity whether we realize or not. I was a grandson with two fantastic loving grandmothers. One lived down the road from me and I saw her often. She helped make me the loving, funny, good man I try to be. When she died that identity of loving grandson was destroyed and I was set adrift without one of my core identities. As Hamlet said to be or not to be, that is the question.

If you want to be a good person, a healthy person, then be one. Our identities are nothing more than actions, constantly changing actions. Our repeated actions get us stuck in ruts so deep that they encase everything we are. I am not a runner. I cannot work out. I am a good person so I can do no wrong. I am a good student so I can never fail. These ruts are real in the sense that if we repeatedly use the same neuron pathways every day, then we think a certain way, and it becomes a kin to obsessive-compulsive behaviour. We have to force ourselves to think differently. Of course, this is where the bullshit of the whole mid life crisis happens. We should never allow ourselves to become so comfortable within the warm shell of who we think we that we are incapable of breaking out of it. I am a loving boyfriend of a mother with three fantastic boys. This is my identity right now, and I would not change it for anything, yet I try everyday to change that identity. I try to be a better boyfriend. I try to be a better role model. More on this later.

The Potential for Postive outcomes in life.

2010-11-05T13:04:00.002-03:00

How does the human brain work? How would I know? I know because I like to read a lot about how we work, since I am going to be in this body for the rest of this life. We live in a world of infinite impossible possibilities. I will be using Wikipedia to help refresh my memory. “A neuron (pronounced /ˈnjʊərɒn/ N(Y)OOR-on, also known as a neurone or nerve cell) is an electrically excitable cell that processes and transmits information by electrical and chemical signalling.” That is from Wikipedia and it sounds about right. So what excites the cells? The senses are exciting. Your standing on a beach, you can feel the hot soft sand squishing your toes as you look out at the storm moving towards you off the sea. You can smell the salt sea air, and the storms negatively charged ions in the air. Different parts of your brain are responding to all of this, even that exciting fear of the storm. We use Ions in our brains too, they move from one cell to another depending on how charged they are. One of the cool things about out brain is that each neuron has an action potential, meaning chance plays a role in weather we do or think something. If we are scared then the neurons linked together for screaming will quickly flash like blinking Christmas lights. You drank too much coffee, had watched a scary movie, and have a jerk at work who likes to scare you, and then there is a good chance you will scream. However, if you have been yelled at for an hour, you are tired, and relaxed then the chance of that same person scaring you is decreased because you do not feel as if you are in any danger. The neuron cascade will not light up.

The brain is full of potential for something to happen, but we are the ones who can control the chance of something happening. We Create our own reality. Negative thoughts physically decrease our very chances of making positive changes in our lives. Professional Athletes exercise their brains every day. Take an exceptionally good tennis player. Before the match, they practice physically until their multitude of strategic movements happen as quick as they breathe. The cascades for these connections in the brain are like a trail in the forest that is always being used. Athletes also mediate on games, going through winning games repeatedly in their heads. This creates connections that are more positive. As far as your brain is concerned, there is little difference in the chemical chain reactions between winning a game, meditating about winning a game, or even watching a winning game. Of course, nobody is perfect, they might lose a set, but they do not dwell on the last shot, they mentally move on to winning the next one.

A person who wants to get a better job has to work hard on thinking about getting one. Sounds like common sense, but you really have to think positive thoughts and increase the chances of the outcome happening. Dreaming about a better job well watching television is not going to do it. More on this later.

We all feel alone in the world

2010-11-01T13:26:00.003-03:00

We all feel alone in the world. Some of us can go through an entire day without talking to someone. We all need that connection. Hold up your hands beside each other. Now point your index fingers towards the other one, and then touch them. Your brain does this funny, interesting thing, one finger is you, and the other finger is the one you are touching, even though they are part of the same body. When we see a person, we experience them in much the same way; they are an “other,” someone that feels separate from us. However, just like your fingers other people are not really other people, we are all part of the same body, which is life. We all need to feel that connection. With Face book, we are able to make that connection by making comments, or simply poking, letting the other person know we are aware of their existence. Face book, like it or not, has become a validation of our individual existence. I write my status therefore I am. Maybe that is why it has become so popular.

The Impossibility of Ever Reaching the Snooze Button

2010-10-29T11:16:00.000-03:00

We should thing about the utter impossibility of reaching the snooze button. I have one of that alarm clocks, which starts beeping ever so quietly and gets slightly louder with each beep. Now, here is the thing that I do not get.; My brain hears the beeps and gets my hand to move ever so slowly, or fast depending on the dream, towards the heavenly snooze button, but how do I ever reach it? This is why I hate math.

If the button is a meter away, then at some point in space my hand is going to have to get half way there, which is 30 centimeters. Before it reaches that, it has to go 15 centimeters. Before it reaches that point, it has to reach 7.5 centimeters. Before that, it has to pass the 3.75 cm point. Long before it reaches that, it has to reach the 1.87500 cm point. A few more points in time later you are at 73.2421875 microns! This goes on forever folks. This is infinity. This is why there is no reason why your hand should ever be able to reach the snooze button. So maybe when you wake up, think of the impossibility of it, and stay in bed. Then again, you have done one impossible thing before you even get out of bed, so once you get up you should be able to doing anything else you might consider impossible.

Story from my childhood with vulgar words and drinking

2010-10-22T11:49:00.000-03:00

I was sixteen, still waiting for that growth spurt that would never come, long dried out hair hanging down to my shoulders, jean vest hanging over my leather coat, and ripped blue jeans staring out into the dark pitch black sea after midnight starting to sober up. This was the last beach party at the cottage, early September, and I stood alone while the gang moved downwards to a spot where nobody minded “Pour Some Sugar On Me” Blaring from my monster ghetto blaster.

Perhaps your wondering why such a sweet guy like me was sulking by himself I should tell you what happened before and then I will continue this strange tale. This was not my best night. I had my eye on Vicky. She was taller than me, cute, and sassy, and perhaps I had chance with her. We sat around the bon fire talking, drinking, and telling stories. We heard someone splashing in the water.

“Get out of the fucking water, man! It’s dangerous at high tide,” Yelled Jason. He was one of the few sitting by himself. His girlfriend was back home. He had that cool quiet cocky air about him. The splashing stopped.

“We could always go skinny dipping, “suggested Vicky shyly.

“Fuck that. I’m drunk.” Anthony, who, with his long hair and goatee, reminded me of Jesus. Ok, a very vulgar Jesus. He had his arms wrapped around Kim trying to keep her warm by feeling her up.

“That water at night scares me,” Said Kim taking another drink of her beer.

“OK, “I said, “I’ll bite, why? ``

“Don’t get her started man,” Said Anthony, before grunting after getting a shove from Kim.

“Some girl went swimming by herself one night. They found her body at the lower shore public beach the next day. “

“Bullshit,” Said Vicky nervously, looking at Jason.

“I bullshit you not,” said Kim. “It was in the paper a few years ago.

The smoke was starting to blow my way making my eyes water.

“No need to get upset Danny, “Laughed Jason.

“Fuck you, “I Cried.

“That freaks me out. I’m scared, `` Said Vicky moving away from the water nearer the rocks.

This was my chance. Wiping my eyes I moved to be closer to Vicky. I was going to be her little comforting hero. I picked up a blanket putting it around her. She said nothing as I moved in closer. “Danny, what the hell are you doing? I want Jason to come over here, not you. Leave fast.” She whispered in my ear which felt numb like the rest of my body. That is the oddest thing about one’s body and brain. When we feel stressed or in great danger, our body’s immediate reaction is to protect out vital organs so that out blood quickly moves away from the outer regions to the center. This causes us to feel faint, and feel like we are falling. I felt like I was falling off a cliff. A bloodless mouth makes it quite dry. I just sat there trying to calm myself down. At least the wind had once more shifted the smoke towards me. I coughed, and then stood up.

“Hey it getting late and we are below my grandparent’s cottage, how about we move down to the beach and turn up the tunes. We can make another fire.”

“How about you go fuck yourself” Said Jason, “Just kidding. There is nobody in my uncle’s cottage, how about we go there and get warm?”

Everyone agreed. I told them that I would catch up after I told my grandparents where I was going. This is about the part where we started. My friend’s silhouettes drifted into the darkness leaving me alone to put out the fire. I heard splashing in the water. This scared the crap out of me.

“That’s not funny!” I yelled into the darkness.

“I am sorry for earlier, “came Vicky’s voice. My night was starting to look up. Reader, no matter how bad your night is going you should never give up all hope.

“That’s ok. I thought you were scared of the water”

“I was just trying to get that jerks attention. He told me I should come back here to help you. So here I am, did you want a hand”

“Hell yeah,” I said taking off my clothes and getting into the water. This time of the year was nice, the water was now warmer then the air, once you got yourself into it. The thoughts of a naked Vicky helped as well. I could barely see her in the moonlight. When I got close I could hear her giggles and she dived under the water. She seemed to be under forever while I waited for her to give me a hand. I heard this strange noise on the shore. I started to feel uneasy, and exposed. Then I felt her tug on me, which felt good until the tug was so hard that I was being dragged under water. Call me what you like, but I have a fear of drowning. I tried to be manly and not scream, but she was playing games and pulling me under the water. I panicked yelling, “stop that!” I struggled free and started swimming to shore. “Let’s do this on the beach.” I said

“You fucking pussy” She said. But I didn’t care. Then I remembered the stranger on shore. Great they were going to see me coming on shore naked. Hope it was not some drunk looking for a fight. Actually, I would rather that, because it could be my grandfather which would be worse. Ever been tackled in the water? It’s not fun. We used to play Frisbee tag and tackled each other a lot. Like football in slow-motion, followed by a period of not breathing. She tackled me from behind giggling and tried to drag me under. I felt another hand reach out for me, grab my hand and pull me to shore.

``What the hell are you doing Danny? ` Said Vicky taking me out of the water, ``Why would you try skinny dipping alone you idiot. I felt bad about earlier so a came back to help you with the fire. `

I did not say a word as I stood shivering. All my blood was needed to just make sure my heart was beating.

pizza Storm

2010-10-17T13:11:00.000-03:00

The Rain made almost horizontal by the wind fell in sheets, each drop a bucket of water on my leather coat. I had managed to park close, but not close enough, to the Atlantic Superstore. My girl had spent all day cooking at work, and just wanted to relax, and I had been relaxing my whole day off, so when she suggested I drive through the storm to pick up some pizza I was hardly in a position to refuse those emerald eyes, and angelic smile. There was a line up of weary post-shoppers waiting for their rides to pull up. See the Pizza had purchased was a n 18 inch in a white cardboard box laying precariously on a short cart beneath bags of milk, cat food, paper towels, and instant coffee. I did the only thing I could do, I ran in the rain getting as soaked as a teen singer in a bad music video. I pushed the cart past ever growing puddles, past blinded cars trying to leave, and over speed bumps never meant for fast moving carts. I wish I could say that I pulled out my car keys to press the button to unlock the car before I got there. Nope. The worst part was standing there fumbling through all my pockets, like Tasslehoff Burrfoot, looking for keys. Meanwhile, wishing I had worn my rain coat, knowing nobody back home was particularly interested in 18 inches of cold soggy pizza, I was starting to think this might not be a good idea. Finally found the foolish keys and opened the car, shoved everything in side, and then ran to the other side to get drive away.

The Gum IncidentThe Gum Incident

2010-10-14T13:14:00.000-03:00

You hear a lot about the dangers of drinking and driving, or Texting and driving, but what about chewing gum and driving? Now the first two are extremely serious dangers, and, admittedly the third, for most, is a much lesser danger, however, as I found out, chewing gum can develop its own problems if you’re not careful.

My Story begins after a fantastic thanksgiving meal at my girlfriend’s parents place last Monday. The time was 3 pm, the sun was shining in a way the sun can only shine on a beautiful fall day. My equally beautiful girlfriend was beside me with her equally shiny blond hair putting the sun to shame, and her son and his girl were in the backseat. I had some tasty turkey tacked between teeth that threatened to take me over the edge, so I took out some gum and started chewing hoping to dislodge the offending turkey. No sooner were we out the drive way, then the gang suggested a trip to Tim’s. Coffee was a great idea. I was kinda tired and had and i was driving for an hour to get back home.. So off to Tim’s we went. Maybe you can see through hindsight my dilemma, because I had just put the gum in my mouth and did not want to take it out until I got my coffee, and then, for some reason, I wanted to save it. Looking down at my hot coffee lid, I did what a lot of us do; I put my gum on the lid. The simple fact of life is that Extra Fresh Gum and Coffee don’t mix well in your mouth. Second fact of life I soon discovered was that fresh gum overwhelmed the smell of my beloved coffee. These facts must be understood to understand my next course of action, which was to through the gum out my window.

Coffee can be your friend, gum can be your friend, but, I swear, warm gum well you’re driving is never ever your friend. Not since I had accidentally spited gum out the window, missed, and have it land in my friends long much loved hair, had I been in more trouble with gum. My girlfriend watched me in disbelief as I picked up the warm gum off my coffee while driving down the road. I had picked it up with my right hand, farthest from the window and thought to simply transfer the gooey stuff to the other hand only to discover that I now had gum on both hands and I really need to turn the steering wheel so as not to hit another car. The result was a web of gum between my hand and the steering wheel that looked like cat’s cradle gone mad. Yes sir, it was a web of wanton trouble that spider-man would be amazed by. I still tried to drive hoping, in the suddenly silent car, that no one had seen my predicament. My girlfriend finally could take no more, and between a laugh and scream she ordered me to get off the road and clean up my mess. Luckily I always have wipes in my car.

So that was my first post and this is my second

2010-10-14T09:47:00.000-03:00

Dear wonderful glorious reader, welcome to my world of words. Someday your going to find stories, I love telling stories. Other days your going to find anything from vents, opinions, my life, or whatever I feel like writing. This blog will be thought provoking at best, entertaining at least. We shall see. Tell your friends. Come gather around my campfire, curl up with blankets and warm drinks, listen, and feel free to comment.

The Universe Hates You

2010-10-12T10:32:00.000-03:00

Life sucks. If you think the universe is out to get you, then your right. The Universe was doing just fine doing and being nothing. Then came the Big Bang. Imagine you are driving down the highway on a bright summer's day at dusk. You are on your way home after a glorious weekend camping on the beach. A warm weekend spent with close old friends drinking cold beer, swimming in a refreshing cold ocean, listening to tunes, and doing nothing all. The car is like a cocoon, slightly cool with the air conditioner on, and your favorite music on the radio making you feel perfectly sated. Then you hear a loud BFB as you get a flat tire. You slow down to the side of the road, and now you are pissed off at the world. Existence is the universe's flat tire.

After the Big Bang the universe has been bent on self-annihilation. See the possibility of your existence is kind of annoying. By all rights, all laws of physics, you should not exist. Entropy, or the second law of thermodynamics, states that the natural order of things is towards chaos or destruction. Racking up pool balls is unnatural; hitting the balls all over the table is more natural. Want to really piss the universe off, find away to hit a rack of billiards and have them scatter all over the table, and then come back to rest in a single row three deep . In spite of this, genes, molecules, coalesced to form you, me, everyone, and, between you and me, the universe finds this bloody unnatural. At some point your body will give into entropy. At some point the universe is going to kill you. Live with it. So what's the point of it all?

The point is to live a good life and be a good person. Not in order to get into heaven or some other reward, but because you can be good in spite of everything. . Without getting too anthropomorphic, the universe feels sorry for itself and this seeps into your life. If the universe is in a constant state of misery why should you be happy? You get dumped. Your job sucks. You can't get laid or laid off. You’re pretty sure you've made a perfect ass of yourself today. Whatever. Why should you be content? Why should you be happy? Simple. You should be because you can choose to be happy. Ever see "Cool Hand Luke"? A man refuses to conform to life in a rural prison The big dog in the prison gives the S.O.B. a beating. Instead of proving himself the tougher man, Dragline realizes that no matter how much, how hard, he beats Luke down, Luke keeps stumbling up to his feet, refusing to stay down.

[Dragline has repeatedly knocked Luke down during a boxing match]

Dragline: Stay down. You're beat.

Luke: You're gonna hafta kill me...
[struggles back to his feet]

No matter what the universe does to you, just keep getting up. Smile, no matter how bad life gets, never stay down. Another scene had Luke imprisoned in the jail’s outside sweatbox, and talks to god.

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute. It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right. [Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray] On my knees, asking. [pause] Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case. Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

Dragline: Luke?

Luke: [Shakes head and smiles] Is that Your answer, Old Man? I guess You're a hard case, too.

You could be miserable. Why not feel miserable? The Universe seems to want you to feel bad, misery seems to be the natural state of things. Just like the Big bang started expanding existence outwards from the size of a pea under several comfortable mattresses to what we see now, eventually everything will collapse in on itself like a massive black hole. In the end, everything is going to suck. But for now, for right now, your alive and every breath pisses off that miserable son of a verse. Every smile, every good turn done in the face of countless bad turns, is a big middle finger to the universe.

Of course, that is just how I see things.