My Hubby's Midnight Ramblings

Cousen people

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 00:58:00 +0000

Chris: [mumble mumble] download cusen person.
Me: Download what?
C: Mass cusen person.
M: What's that?
C: It's uh, see, multiple cusen persons.
M: What's a cusen person?
C: You know, like a cuse.
M: A what?
C: A cuse.
M: What's a cuse?
C: ...
M: Like couscous?
C: Yeah.
M: So, you eat these people?
C: Yeah.
M: Why would you do that? Do they taste good?
C: No.
M: Oh, well, I guess we shouldn't eat them then.
C: No.
M: So, who are they?
C: They're from uh...
M: From where?
C: [uncertain mumble, not really with me anymore]
M: You don't know?
C: No...
M: Ok, then. Anything else you'd like to tell me?
C: [silent]

Wife Contract

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:42:00 +0000

I strung this one on pretty far!

Chris: You have to contact up.
Me: Contact who?
C: Contact up. They need to know you're here.
M: What do they need to know? I live here!
C: That's true. It's not like a contract or anything.
M: I should hope not. Are you contracting me out to be your wife?
C: Hmm..I think that can be arranged.
M: [laughs] Who would I be reporting to?
C: Who do you want to report to?
M: I don't know. You're the one telling me I have to contact up.
C: That's true. Why don't you report to Behfeh (like last time, Behfeh is the cat)
M: [laughs] Ok...
C: And I guess Behfeh has a dotted line to the CEO of Whirlpool.
M: [laughs] Ok.
C: And then, uh...I don't know. I'll have to ask Behfeh where the rest of the organization is.
M: Ok. Is there anything else I need to do?
C: You mean as far as reporting is concerned?
M: Yeah.
C: No, I think that should cover all our bases.
M: Ok. Do I have to draw up a report?
C: [starting to sound very sleepy] Could you do that?
M: Ok, how long would you like it to be?
C: Nothing too fancy, just a page or two should do.
M: And what should it say?
C: Oh, just make it the standard report.
M: I don't know what the standard is. I'm new.
C: Oh. Um, I'll forward you an example.
M: [laughs] Ok. So, who wrote this example? Like, was it you or someone else?
C: I wrote it.
M: Oh, so I didn't have a predecessor?
C: No.
M: That's good to know. Well, alright. I'll get to work on that.
C: What?
M: I'll get to work on it.
C: Oh.

He speaks!!

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:04:00 +0000

So it appears reading has helped a bit! The first few nights of reading didn't seem to be doing much for his night talking, but then one night he bit me a few times (lightly!...though that's still pretty weird. Ooh, or! Maybe I have my very own Edward!) and the next night, he talked:

Chris: [sits up, points fingers like a gun at nothing] Hey, Behfeh. [looks down at cat] (Behfeh is how he sometimes pronounces our cat Buffy's name)
M: What are you doing?
C: I wonder if there's a capacitance charge or not.
M: What? Capacitance?
C: If there's a charge.
M: Charge in what though? Is that a gun?
C: Well, we'll have to see. If there's no charge, no.
M: Who are you aiming at?
C: ...
M: Cripper?
C: [looks around, looks at me, then flops back down and covers head with sheet] Don't wake me!
M: But were you going to shoot Buffy?
C: No, I'd never do that to Beefy.

Someone's playing too much Fallout

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:41:00 +0000

Chris: [claps hand on my arm] Welcome back!
Me: From where?
C: Uh, let's see. It was from one genre to another.
M: Genre?
C: Yeah, first you were deadly beauty and now you're...I can't remember the word.
M: I'm a deadly beauty?
C: Well, of course!
M: [laughs] Ok.
C: I just have to finish this scenario.
M: What scenario?
C: In Anchorage.
M: Ohhh, is this Fallout?
C: Yeah.
M: Are you trying to kill me?
C: No.
M: I'm on your team?
C: Yeah.
M: Am I helpful?
C: Yeah.
M: Well, that's good.

Not unique

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:44:00 +0000

Chris: Who has the power to decide who's playing?
Me: You do.
C: How?
M: Just push the button.
C: Which one?
M: The red one.
C: But there are many buttons.
M: Just push the red one.
C: There must be millions of people playing. How do I have the power to choose?
M: You're the only one playing now.
C: There's 13 million people playing. Statistically I'm not unique.
M: Sure you are.
C: If I were to pick my nose right now and do a survey, I would not be unique.
M: What if you picked your nose and screamed "I like to eat eagles!"
C: Are you accusing me of being asleep?
M: [laughs] Yes.
C: I'm totally conscious on this one. (Where have I heard that before?)
M: [laughs]

NFL logos

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:49:00 +0000

Chris: [disapprovingly] Hmm...I don't know about that.
Me: About what?
C: They're changing the hood ornament...I mean logo of the NFL.
M: To what?
C: Well, anything other than what it is now would be foolish.
M: So why are they changing it?
C: Eh, it's what the youngins tend to do.
M: Are you changing it?
C: Noo!
M: Who is?
C: Some newbie.
M: Oh, well, you better stop him.
C: Ok.

Belly Spots

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 05:12:00 +0000

Chris: [pats belly like a drum]
Me: Whatcha doin?
C: Half a spot on my belly.
M: A spot?
C: No, half a spot.
M: Why only half?
C: The other half...connected...my back.
M: So, it goes through you?
C: No.
M: How'd it get there?
C: I dunno.
M: Do you have a guess?
C: No.
M: Is it dangerous?
C: Oh yes. Very.
M: What does it do?
C: It erases...the untanglers.
M: Untanglers?
C: Yeah, the news and the shows.
M: Your spot does that?
C: What spot?
M: The one you told me about a minute ago. Oh, sorry. Half a spot.
C: Huh?
M: Are you confused?
C: No?
M: You sound confused.
C: Yes?

Inhale-o-heezy

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Chris: Not quite yet.
Me: Huh?
C: I have to wait to pop my inhale-o-heezy.
M: [laughs] Inhale-o-heezy?
C: Yup.
M: What's that?
C: Let me show you!
M: [waits]...well?
C: Hm?
M: Is it your inhaler?
C: Yeah.

By the way, happy birthday to my wonderful, sleep-challenged husband!! I love you! :}

Inappropriate comments from imaginary people

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:10:00 +0000

Chris: He's almost there. [points at TV]
Me: Almost where?
C: Out of breath.
M: From what?
C: I don't know. We just wait for him when he's out of breath and then we all keep going.
M: Are you in a race?
C: No.
M: What is he doing?
C: I'll ask him.
M: Ok. Go ahead.
C: [waits a few seconds] Ok, I asked him. He said "blub blub blub blub." Exactly like that.
M: [laughs] Can you translate?
C: Yeah. He said he really likes your boobs. [puckers lips for kiss]
M: [kisses him and laughs] That's inappropriate for him to say. I can't post this!
C: Eh. [dances]
M: [laughs] Are you dancing again?
C: Mmm-hmm.
M: To what?
C: I don't know.
M: You're so weird.

Accents

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Chris: [chuckles]
Me: What?
C: [in British accent] I don't know.
M: Are you British?
C: [still in accent] I don't know.
M: You're talking in a British accent.
C: [still in accent] I could be British or I could be Indian.
M: Indian? You don't have that accent.
C: [in bad Indian accent] I could be Indian. Everyone loves them in phase 5.
M: Phase 5 of what?
C: [back to the British accent] Take over. [starts dancing]
M: [laughs] Are you dancing?
C: [still in British accent] I don't know.

Advice and Mickey balloons

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 23:06:00 +0000

Chris: That's some pretty good advice there.
Me: What advice?
C: On delivering the sandwich.
M: What kind of sandwich is it?
C: I don't know. I'm just making it up as I go along. [makes Price is Right losing sound]
M: [laughs] Oh, ok.
C: Mouse ears.
M: Huh?
C: On that balloon over there.
M: Where?
C: The kid in my head has a Mickey balloon.
M: Oh, so I can't see it?
C: No.
M: Why can only you see it?
C: I'm fun.
M: I'm boring?
C: No.
M: Oh, ok.

No parking

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 21:43:00 +0000

Chris: [mumble mubmle] document!
Me: What document?
C: Me!
M: You're a document?
C: Yes.
M: You're not a person?
C: Well, that's what you have to decide. Am I a person or a document?
M: A person.
C: I'm not a printing document? Of the [mumble mumble]?
M: Do you have an on/off switch?
C: No.
M: So what happens when I push this? [taps his forehead]
C: You don't wanna know!
M: I did it already! What will happen?
C: Nevada will park on New Jersey tomorrow.
M: [laughs]

Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:03:00 +0000

Chris: Doctor, I'm kind of concerned you left all the greens on your plate.
Me: Greens?
C: Yeah, all the broccolis.
M: Who are you calling doctor?
C: [with attitude] Who you callin' doctor?

Little rats

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:45:00 +0000

Chris: [looks very confused] What is that? [points at end of bed] (Sound familiar?)
Me: My hoodie.
C: Oh, ok.
M: What did you think it was?
C: A little rat.
M: A rat? Why would there be a rat in the bed?
C: I was waiting for you to tell me.
M: Where would it have come from?
C: I don't know.

Pianning

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 17:07:00 +0000

Chris: The man with the piano...watch out...[mumble]...nuking.
Me: What about the man?
C: He has a piano.
M: What is he doing with it?
C: ...Pianning.
M: [laughs] Pianning?
C: Yeah. That's what you do with a piano.
M: Ok. And what did you say about nuking?
C: Nuking.
M: Yeah, who's nuking?
C: I don't know.

I think someone's been playing too much Fallout 3 lately.

Super Powers

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Chris: Hm. I didn't notice that before. [raises arm and lets it fall back down]
Me: Notice what?
C: [raises arm and lets it fall back down]
M: What are you pointing at?
C: Well, before...like, say 3 weeks ago, this arm would have had no trouble holding itself up. Now...[flops arm down again]
M: Now it falls?
C: Yeah.
M: Why?
C: Well, someone took the power, so it can't hold itself up.
M: I'm sure you could hold it up if you tried!
C: But that's the point! It used to stay on its own. But someone stole the super power.
M: Your super power is holding your arm upright? [laughing]
C: [smiles] Pretty impressive, huh?
M: [laughs]
C: And it's all because of the anupi-nupi plant!
M: [laughs harder] The what??
C: The anupi-nupi plant.
M: Oh, is that the plant we were talking about earlier? The one that can be used as a paper clip? (We had been joking around about this made-up plant earlier, long story)
C: No, I've already forgotten the name of that one.

Yarn death

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:22:00 +0000

Well, as I've done a few times before, I went and had another midnight freak-out. Chris's sleep-talking is usually subdued and he rarely gets upset about anything he's talking about at the time. I'm not so lucky. Me? I have the occasional "OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING" (even if it is just a spider) nightmare. Neither of us wrote down this conversation, but we both remember the gist of it.

I woke up in a complete panic. All I knew was that Chris had some horrible disease where yarn grew out of his mouth and suffocated him. It was my job to snip the end of the yarn as it came out his mouth, at least every half hour or so, and if I failed to do so, he'd die. I looked over at him, realized that I'd fallen asleep and let him go all night without me snipping the yarn, and was convinced he was dead. I apparently shook him while hyperventilating and panicking (though neither of us remembers what I was saying while hyperventilating), trying to make him come back to life, which of course woke him up. He calmly told me it was just a nightmare and that it was ok. It took me a few minutes to realize that everything was ok and it was just a dream. I suppose it's probably a good thing I didn't have scissors nearby...anyway, I hope I don't have any dreams like this again, though. It was pretty awful.

Crawling fish

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Chris: It's constantly crawling.
Me: What is?
C: Waters. Waters.
M: Water?
C: Wilbur.
M: The fish? (We have a fish named Wilbur.)
C: Yeah.
M: How's he crawling?
C: He's going from start to finish.
M: Is he in a race?
C: No.
M: What's the start?
C: I don't know.
M: How is he crawling?
C: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
M: What would he say?
C: Merp!

Absorbable toast?

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 01:19:00 +0000

It's funny how talking about Chris not talking in his sleep seems to actually prompt him to talk again. We were at our friends' house this weekend and they mentioned that it seems that Chris has been quiet lately, based on not seeing anything new on the blog. Lo and behold, that night, he spoke again:

Chris: The previous method of delivery was the toaster.
Me: What's being delivered?
C: The toaster distributes it.
M: Right, but what is it distributing?
C: It gets absorbed into your skin. It's like... [thinks] not really like a medicine... [thinks some more]...
M: Like food?
C: No.
M: Do you drink it?
C: No.
M: So what is it?
C: It's absorbed into the skin.
M: What is?
C: [thinks] I don't know what it is. It's absorbed.
M: Is this a conspiracy?
C: Yeah, sure.
M: [laughs] Ok.
[a few minutes pass]
M: [not expecting an answer since, typically, Chris completely leaves his train of thought/falls into a deeper sleep once we stop talking] So, what was the old method?
C: Uh, well, it's absorbed. What do you mean?
M: Well, you said the toaster is the new method. What's the old one?
C: Um...what?
M: Where did it originally come from?
C: Originally? I guess the guy.
M: What guy? God?
C: No. [said like I suggested something silly]
M: Then who?
C: [suddenly very confused] Huh? I don't know...
M: Ok, go back to sleep. [pats Chris]

Turtles and special effects

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:27:00 +0000

Chris: You'll notice you never see the turtle in both scenes.
Me: What?
C: [points at TV] Well, you see, the turtle isn't in the two scenes. There's no super special effects. Effects. [gestures with hands]
M: The turtle?
C: In the scene. There are no special special effects. [turns head to the side and fake-snores, complete with whistle]
M: [laughs] You don't snore like that!
C: [smiles and keeps fake-snoring a few times]

Missiles

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 01:32:00 +0000

Chris: [points at bedroom door] What is that?? [said in very serious tone]
Me: Where?
C: There! In the corner!
M: The air vent?
C: Oh.
M: What did you think it was?
C: An array of missiles.
M: Pointed at us??
C: Yes.
M: Why?
C: I don't know.
M: Who was pointing them at us?
C: I don't know. I didn't get a good look.

The Saddams

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:14:00 +0000

I'm currently in NJ visiting my family, so I didn't have my current setup of paper and/or voice recorder, so unfortunately this conversation isn't exact:

Chris: Oh man, I couldn't find the Saddams.
Me: Saddams? Like Saddam Hussein?
C: Yeah, there was a whole line of them.
M: Why would you want to find them?
C: [spews out a bunch of technical terms involving pneumatic pressures and pipes and things like that, which starts out strong and clear and slowly winds down to a mumble]
M: What? What the heck are you talking about? What does engineering have to do with Saddam Hussein?
C: ... [asleep]

Leg Bladders

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:14:00 +0000

Chris: This isn't going to work.
Me: What?
C: Well, I thought I could get the leg bladder, but it's too small, so I didn't get credit.
M: What's a leg bladder?
C: It's like a small leg bladder.
M: But what is it?
C: You know how there can be a bladder? It's like something hollow in the leg.
M: Like a swim bladder? In fish?
C: [looks at me] Yeah.
M: Do you know what that is?
C: Huh? I don't know....
M: It's a biology term. I don't think you've heard of it. So, what's a leg bladder?
C: [looks really confused] I don't know what that is.
M: You were just talking about it.
C: I was?
M: Are you awake now?
C: Yes. [pokes my cheek]
M: Are you a professional?
C: Yes.

A trip

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:10:00 +0000

Chris: This is going to be awesome!
Me: What is?
C: I'm going to help these people get from native space to where they're going.
M: What people?
C: [looks around a bit, then points at the TV] Them.
M: The people on TV?
C: Yeah.
M: How do you know them?
C: Um...I don't. [seems a bit sad about this]
M: It's ok. You want to take me instead?
C: [looks at me, completely confused] What?
M: Are you awake?
C: No.
M: Oh. Well, you said you were taking them somewhere.
C: Yeah.
M: But you don't know them, so I asked if you want to take me instead.
C: Oh. Ok.
M: So I can go?
C: Yeah. Just don't make any trouble.

Tarantulas

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:55:00 +0000

Chris: Woah! [points up]
Me: What?
C: I thought I just saw a perfect tarantula up there, but it's not.
M: A tarantula??
C: Yeah. It was really cool. But I think it was just playing with my eyes.
M: Was it just the ceiling fan?
C: Yeah. It's too bad.
M: Too bad??
C: Yeah. It was really cool.
M: But that's a big spider!
C: Yeah.
M: I'm afraid of spiders!
C: Yeah.
M: You don't care?
C: No.
M: [laughs and slaps Chris's shoulder] Cripper! That's mean! Why don't you care?
C: Because your fears are silly. [rolls over]