My Iced Tea

It knocks you down

2013-04-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

Have you been humbled lately? By life or the things you realize you don't know.

For a long time I have adamantly known the things I will not do. Will not let happen. The life I am not about.

Only to be humbled by the things I am allowing to transpire. Things that happen whether you want them to or not.

The good, bad, and everything in between.

It's humbling to realize, with honesty, the things you've made worse or failed to enhance.

But there's also a certain peace in knowing you still have today to choose differently. To begin anew. Or to seek forgiveness.

And that makes me smile.

When a child tells you who they are...

2013-04-15T10:53:00.001-05:00

Maya Angelou, the oft-quoted sage, once offered Oprah and young women the world over a piece of advice when dealing in relationships.

"When someone tells you who they are, believe them."-Maya Angelou

I would say that advice is true for children as well. When our children tell us who they are. Or how they feel. We must believe them and take their very real feelings into account.

Those who know me know that I can think and think and think on something within myself. And when I finally divulge what I've been pondering I'm ready to act on it immediately. And to the outside observer it can seem a bit impulsive, when more often than not the thought processes and ideas have been brewing for a while.

We just had a bit of a shake-up with our sons about the way they have been dealing with our recent move and the implications of our military life. And although I was shocked when at different points they each acted out on their feelings and anxiety, they had already told me before-hand that this move was not only unwanted but a major stressor.

But you try to patch them up and move them along. Get everyone acclimated and happy in school. Only to have them swiftly remind you through their behavior that the only thing more stressful than a move is the death of a loved one.

But they told me. And I only partially heard them. Was only partially listening.

It can be hard to always keep your ear to the ground and be present with children. They can be all over the place sometimes. And I've had my own anxiety about this move, leaving my job, my students, and my friends.

Then the alarm went off. Reminding me to listen to my babies. Their feelings and fears are just as real as mine. We are actually more alike than I had realized, which is bittersweet.

They are bright, but also contemplative and moody. Kind, yet demanding. Humorous and biting. And we all could do better with listening to both ourselves and each other.

I am blessed they are still willing to show me who they are.

My book is READY

2013-03-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

The Diggery 3 look as happy as I am.

We are in the FINAL stages of my interactive children's book release!

Yay!

"The Diggery 3" will go LIVE on the Meegenius website and app in less than 48 hours.

I have been anxiously waiting for you all to read this quirky story about 3 siblings who love to build and create. And just wait until you see the amazing illustrations by Tyler Parker. His drawings are such a great enhancement. Mr. Parker makes my story and characters just jump off the pages.

This read-along book will be set at the "can-not-be-passed-up" price of $2.99! So don't wait and miss the fantastic introductory price.

The Meegenius read-along bookstore can be viewed FREE online and is also available as a FREE downloadable app for your Android, iPhone, of GoogleTV. So go familiarize yourself with Meegenius now so you can be the FIRST one to check out my book, "The Diggery 3" on Thursday!

I am so excited. Can you tell?

Good! Now please go help me spread the word.

Long-term parenting

2013-03-07T09:35:00.000-06:00

What is probably obvious to most is that I am a first time parent. Meaning that I did not do this job in a previous life. I haven't attended workshops or seminars. I have only trekked along on this mom-path with the help and advice of elders I love/respect and a laundry list of things not to do.

And I must say that although I have always had a vision for my children. Of what they could become. The peace and stability I wanted for their lives. I still thought of this mothering job as short term. As in, when they are 18 I am retired.

That eventually changed to when they graduate college I am retired. But then today I was thinking of several people I love, who are over the typical college age, but desperately need the support of a parent. And it hit me.

You are NEVER done.

I mean, some children will need you more than others. Or differently than their siblings. But all children need their parents. Forever. Whether it is the couch to crash on/cry on/think on, we all need that connection and bond.

This got me thinking about birthing my eldest at the tender age of 19. I felt grown up. I acted grown up. But god was I a baby. It was all I could do to put on my big girl pants and raise and protect this child to the best of my ability.

My granny and I were talking about my husband's and my first place, which was an airy trailer in Junction City, KS. She said she was so worried that we were out in there Kansas all alone, with no money.

Whelp, we didn't have any money. Fortunately for us we didn't need at lot of snazzy things to entertain us. We had about $10 left over after bills and groceries. I nursed the baby. And we just made it work.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry alone in the bathroom sometimes wondering what I had gotten myself into. Or that my husband didn't stress all the time about getting promoted and making rank. We could have used that parental support, but it was a luxury we just didn't have.

That mindset of MAKE IT WORK comes in handy when you need to survive. But some children/adults just can't make that happen on their own. And the one's who do don't want their kids to have to do the same. They need that couch. And that's okay.

I know I'm too young to say this...but as I age...I think more and more about the opportunities and skills I want to bequeath to my boys. The information I need to pass along in order to give them the best shot at success.

An elder I affectionately title "My Fairy Run Mother" was so right about the 2011 Chicago marathon changing my perspective on life. These things/decisions/obstacles have to be viewed over the long haul. Step-by-step and day-by-day. Each day I'm adding stitches to my couch. Ensuring stability for the seat my babies may one day need. This truly is long-term.

Parents don't retire.

MAKERS is Everything

2013-03-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

I am a lover of history. So when Twitter was all aflutter about PBS's new documentary, Makers, which chronicles the Women's Movement in the United States I immediately began salivating.

Let me tell you, Makers did not disappoint. I learned so much from the 3 videos which are all just under an hour long and currently available online. Keeping with that number I will share three things I gleaned from the viewing experience:

1. As a woman who has played sports, worked after becoming married, ran a marathon, and uses birth control I have directly benefited from the women who fought/marched/ran/litigated so that I could lawfully do those seemingly basic things. Some of which were unheard of/illegal when my grandmother was a girl

2. These were REAL WOMEN, not saints. They made missteps and mistakes. But the fact remains that the individuals who supported this movement wanted equal rights and protections under the law for women. Not exceptionalities. Just equal opportunities for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

3. It does not matter what you call yourself if we are all working toward the same goal. I spent a tremendous amount of time with my great Aunt before moving to Georgia. She is 78 and would never call herself a feminist, but she would call me and tell me to invest my own money in my own account. To complete my degree. To turn down a position she felt was beneath me. To love my boys and husband, but to more importantly love myself enough to make sure I am whole and well.

Here is the first installment of the documentary:

Watch Part One: Awakening on PBS. See more from Makers: Women Who Make America.

Ease on down the road

2013-02-26T16:49:00.000-06:00

I've had to make some tough decisions lately. I have had to decide in black and white what I feel I am worth.

How much do I value my time?

Evaluating what I bring to a job. What I offer to an organization. And what I deliver to my students. So many times I have come into a situation or potential relationship knowing what I need, what would make me happy, and what is my bottom line, only to back-pedal when the negotiation begins.

Each time that would happen I would leave feeling a little bereft and put upon.

Didn't they know the value I added to the team.

Weren't they standing to reap an enthusiastic worker?

Perhaps they just didn't "like" me enough.

But I am learning that my worth has nothing to do with "like". When it all gets comes down to the nitty-gritty this question remains:

What am I willing to take?

If I am satisfied and happy with the arrangement then we are all good. But when I feel short-changed or taken advantage of, it is simply not a good space to be in. Not a space worthy of me, my time, my energy.

Now some people/positions/partners may value you, but truly can not (for one reason or another) accommodate your needs. It is not for lack of wanting. It may be due to funding or timing or contractual restraints. And that is fine.

At a time like this you must decide if the relationship is worth pursuing in spite of limitations.

Then there are times when the other party is just not interested in meeting you 1/2 way, a quarter of the way, or even 1/6th. At those times you can stay or you can go. Choosing to stay may serve as a means to an end. Or it may simply feel like another knife to your gut.

Most recently I have had to decide whether to accept or decline new working partnerships. And one essential thing I'm looking for is mutual accommodation. When we come to the negotiation table I can not be the only one there.

Thankfully, I am discovering that is is OKAY to respectfully decline and walk away. Not always easy, but definitely OKAY.

I have gotten to the point where my gut will NOT allow me do otherwise. And for that I'm thankful.

Taking whatever is offered me would be/could be easy. Dealing with myself/my voice everyday after once again settling and selling myself short would be terrible.

And I'm done with terrible.

About this Life

2013-02-18T11:16:00.000-06:00

We are getting more settled in our new home/state/environment everyday and I am missing my old job, my moms (yes plural), and run friends more and more each day.

My current job hunting has brought up an extra dose of wistfulness. Before we left Illinois I worked for an amazing non-profit that trained me, nurtured me, and trusted me to deal 1-on-1 with students, teachers, and volunteers. We worked with generally low-income/high-need learners on a daily basis.

It really gave me life.

Because after searching, volunteering, and trial & error I had stumbled upon my dream job. And now it's gone.

So I'm back in the market for work. And it's tough out here. I'm pretty much dedicated to the non-profit sector, but with that also comes many minuses. Fair pay is a big one. Although these types of organizations operate on fewer funds than their for-profit counter-parts some still find a way to mimic the discrepancies between administrative and ground level staff pay; on par with that of corporate America.

I commiserated with a friend in the non-profit sector about these elusive negotiation processes and the frustration wrought by the talk really strengthened my resolved to become the change I want to see.

I want to create/fund/work with an organization that serves the educational needs of the community. From child to teen to parents. To offer solutions, help, and directions that work to eliminate the cycle of poverty in pockets of America.

And I want to do that while fairly compensating my staff. Because while people can support you and believe in you, they ultimately burn out or become resentful when they are underpaid and overworked. Trust me I know.

Who knows where my family will evidential plant our roots, but whether its with my beloved literacy organization from home, or a place of my own. I'm about this life: living, learning, sharing, paying.

Reaction/actions

2013-02-11T11:21:00.000-06:00

So much of learning involves letting go. Letting go of assumptions. Old habits. Blinders. Sometimes we let go of things without ever realizing we held them. Other times its damn near impossible to relax our grasp.

You know how some things can trigger an automatic reaction inside of you. No thinking or analysing. They just cause you to react. For better or worse.

For instance, a child running across a parking lot makes my arms flinch, wanting to reach out and stop them even if I'm several cars or rows away. Or how poor grammar usage triggers the auto-correct inside my head, which usually comes out my mouth.

Then there are times when your usual reaction is no longer enough. It's just the same tired dance you've done for so long. The dance that often causes relationships to end, friends to grow apart, or people to fall down in despair.

The good thing about becoming tired of a repeating cause and effect is that you can begin to disassociate yourself from the drama of the moment and instead observe yourself.

You can ask:

What am I doing?
Why am I doing it?
Is this action working for me?

Then you wait for the answer to one or all of those questions. Sometimes the answer involves creating a new dance. Other times a new song will do.

It just requires letting go of the old one.

Deliverance

2013-02-04T11:49:00.002-06:00

There's this thing I used to believe in.

Instant Deliverance.

It's a rather common religion-centered belief.

Here's how it work. You identify a problem. You and possibly others pray/talk about the problem. If God wills/you will, you are then spontaneously delivered. Another name for this could actually be: Cold-Turkey. The act of stopping something immediately and completely.

The premise being that if you want something bad enough, if you want to be "right" strong enough; you will stop whatever harmful thing that you are doing.

Deliverance/cold-turkey works great for some people. They quit smoking or swearing or clubbing with friends at the snap of a finger. They release anger, because they say so. They heal from old wounds because they believe so. Which, if it works, is great for them.

The problem for me lies in the fact that everyone isn't a cold-turkey person. It's just not possible that everyone can just drop all their luggage just like that. We're not all built the same. And often our messes/problems are an inter-related jumble. We smoke because we're stressed or have simply formed a bad habit. We over-spend because we are depressed. We sleep around because we are afraid to be alone.

So just stopping anything/everything that may not be productive or good for us is not only complicated, but messy and overwhelming.

I have come to realize that I greatly value acceptance. Accepting my ugly, even if it screams:

I am angry. I am sad. I am scared.

This is what is. I am not trying to change me or berate me or accommodate others. This is what is. And I accept it.

I am noticing the more that I accept me, the freer I am becoming. Then I can ask myself without judgement, "Why am I angry?" "Why am I scared?"

And as I become ready, I answer some of my questions, and leave others for later. But through it all I am gentle with myself. If I cannot treat myself with care, who will?

That is how I see deliverance now. Not a behavior to desist, but a state of mind-peace and love to attain. Flaws do not own me. I am who I am. I accept me. That is my deliverance.

This is

2013-01-31T09:38:00.000-06:00

Right after Thanksgiving I received one of the best emails of my life. It was the Vice President of Content at Meegenius, an interactive book platform/publisher telling me one of the editors thought "The Diggery 3," a book I had submitted many moons ago had potential. And would I like to work with them?

I immediately began jumping up and down, as is my fashion when I'm excited. I ran into the kitchen to tell my husband and hug him and continued to be too bouncy to be contained.

Since then the editors and I have smoothed out the text, the illustrator has sent sketches and revisions, and my book baby is getting the layout formatted and narration set!

When the Producer in charge of my book sent the final illustrations last night (after the initial jumping and running to show the family) I became so overwhelmed with emotion I hurried back upstairs to call my mom.

I don't know what came over me. But the move. The house. Now my book. Still unpacking. I was just a bundle of tears.

Before bed last night I read a blog post about people feeling they deserve certain things in their lives. In the comments readers were divided on whether people "deserved" happiness. Or just erroneously felt entitled to it.

Buddhism has a term/principal: idappaccayata. Which means; This is, This becomes. I take that to mean what is, is what will come. What is cultivated, is what will grow. There is no deserving here. Just cause and effect.

Only what is and what becomes. And sometimes what becomes reduces you to tears. Explodes into happiness. Fills you with joy.

Picking up the pen

2013-01-29T10:34:00.000-06:00

I'm back.

When I decided to take a blog break in October I never expected to be gone so long. My intention was to sit back and breath and think for a while.

Blogging has a way of getting into your head where everything becomes a potential blog post. And even the posts you choose to write can become over edited.

And I knew I needed to stop editing and instead pause to think.

In late August I started seeing a social worker/mental health advocate for talk therapy. It was one of those things that I've always 'believed in' but never made the step to commit to. I'm such a verbal, expressive person that (for a long time) I felt I didn't really need to sit down and sort out anything. I didn't have a problem feeling my emotions. Expressing my thoughts. Why would I 'need' therapy?

But after intimately seeing/noticing people around me reject help or remediation I began to see the similarities between us. No, I'm not hot-tempered. I don't throw daggers. I do not self medicate. But if I am still feeling (yet editing) pain, resentment, confusion from different unresolved episodes in my life aren't I rejecting the lifeboat as well?

So with that I talked to my lady-parts doctor and told her I wanted to speak with someone. She referred me and I started going once a week.

It wasn't until I sat down and opened up in a session that I realized how much I was actually holding back. How often I edit me feelings, speech, and thoughts as if my life is an extended blog post. And although I wasn't comfortable enough to tell her everything, my doctor asked me to make at least one journal entry in between visits. Entries I could share or not share.

But I was editing my journal too! So I needed to choose. Keep blogging, which was feeding my need to edit), or write and speak freely. I chose freedom.

And it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I began to just write hard and fast whenever the need hit me. Which was usually before, during, or after high stress moments. And all this reflection directly coincided with several new things entering my home life that I greatly resented. So this has been my Fall and early Winter.

Whew.

I cannot say that all things are now resolved. But I can say that I am stronger, fresher, more honest.

I'm 85% sure that most people's biggest fear/issue about receiving mental health services is that it will be discovered that you actually are "crazy", broken, dysfunctional. But I'll tell you this, the crazy thing is to continue not functioning. To insist on dysfunction out of fear of what functioning looks like.

One thing running a marathon taught me is that discomfort is okay. You just have to press through it. Because the end; that home stretch, the medal and feeling of accomplishment, all that is the reminder that victory/peace/wholeness is often born out of being broken down and built brand new.

This is where my Zen is.

Balancing Act

2012-10-10T22:25:00.001-05:00

As a parent, I want so much for my children. And I am seeing more clearly with each passing day that I have less control over the plethora of experiences my boys will experience. In fact, I believe I actually will have a more lasting and vivid imprint on the way one can and should react to the world around us.

Through my life I am teaching these boys how to face their fears. How to deal with disappointments, unfairness, and defeat. I am one of their many examples on how to ask for help or reject it altogether. A two-way mirror on how to cool down after an argument or simply simmer to explode yet again.

Thinking this way helps me to put the big and little things into perspective.

Children are resilient. I know I was.

No, I may not have everything in the exact order as I wish, but I can still teach my boys how to thrive. And question. How to seek knowledge and continue to grow.

And that counts for something. A lot, actually, it counts for a lot.

Blow out the candles

2012-10-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

This is the last week I will ever be less than 30 years old. And I must say I'm excited. For almost two years I hemmed and hawed and agonized about reaching this cultural/biological milestone before I was ready. I was scared witless.

But now, if you ask me, I'm ready.

I've wanted to grow up and have control over my immediate success and circumstances since I was 15 y/o.

I've been studying and preparing to certify as a teacher since 2007.

I've been walking/jogging/running to push my physical limits since 2011.

And I have learned so much about my personal boundaries and central wishes here in 2012.

So, yes, if you ask me, I'm ready. Ready for 30, ready for life. Ready to release any lingering doubts about what I came here for.

I am here to teach, to learn, to run, to grow, to pray. Happy Birthday Week to me!

Thank you, universe.

Be where you are

2012-10-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

I was recently reading by Leo Babauta about being present in the space you are currently in. To cease scrabbling for more, better, faster and simply enjoy where you are.

That's something I've only done a handful of times. Most recently, during our family vacation to Minnesota I was able to leave all my baggage at home and just enjoy the moment. And I do realize that the most awesome times of my life have been when I've forgotten my goals and objectives and just existed.

But doing so more frequently and mindfully is a constant struggle for me. I sometimes think living zen is easier for people who have never wondered whether a bill would be paid, or if their children were receiving adequate education and opportunities That perhaps stillness is for those who have never had to question their basic safety and well-being.

Then I remind myself that zen is a state of being. Not a state of circumstances. People who are imprisoned can find zen. People who are poor can find peace. People who find themselves in a strange land can still become centered.

Being where you are is about your spirit, not your postal address. And that is the truth I must remember.

You got this

2012-10-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

No one finishes a race without support

I was speaking with someone Friday. Telling her some of the things I have going on now and things that are coming down the pike. And she looked a bit taken aback at the totality that is my everyday life. What she said next sounded a bit like my Fairy Run Mother....

"You've got this. You are going to be okay."

"Think of this as a marathon and you're heading toward the last 6 miles. Marathons are hard, but they are mostly mental."

At this point, a little teary eyed I interjected, "But I have run a marathon! And this is harder than that!"

She shook her head, "But you've got this. You'll be okay."

And just in case I still doubted that advice the universe gave me a break. On Saturday morning, after many tears and dollars and tutor sessions I passed the Math portion of my IL Teacher Test of Academic Proficiency.

I can not fully express the load this passing score has lifted off of my chest. I am still pinching myself to see if it's real. If this mile of the marathon is truly done.

It must be...since I can hear those strong women in my ear saying, "See, we told you you've got this."

Yes, No, Maybe So

2012-09-26T07:13:00.001-05:00

Are you one of those people who likes/needs to be right? Not right in the "I know it all!" way. Just right in the "Is this the good and wise thing to do?" sort of way?

I am a bit of both. While I'm trying to let go of my bossy-know-it-all tendencies I still long to do the right thing. Know the right answer. Have the better outcome. But sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

A certain situation has been plaguing me for years now. And I try to approach it from different angles. Stop caring so much about the outcome. You know, get Zen with it. But no dice.

I just can't figure it out. Or how to make it stop. I just know viscerally how it makes me feel.

No right answers. I do not know at all how to handle it. In fact I do not think I can handle it. It's times like these that I truly hate. Times when you pose a question to yourself and the world and all you get back is a Yes, No, or Maybe So.

What am I supposed to do with that? I couldn't tell you since I don't have the answers.

As fast as you can

2012-09-24T17:11:00.000-05:00

As they say...Run happy!

I have a natural proclivity towards drowsiness, which I have to fight like the plague. Running is one way I kick the lazy.

This Sunday I ran for the first time as a Race Ambassador for the 2nd Annual Fort2Base Race. I was joined by hundreds of other runners including my husband, one of my favorite guys, and some awesome ladies from my women's run club.

In fact, my Fairy Run Mother (from my 1st ever run club) won her age division.

As we got ready to line up for the start I asked my husband why do we continue to sign up for these things? It's usually cold, our legs get tired. And sometimes my lungs hurt.

But there's just something about racing that keeps pulling me back. I think its those precious minutes that turn to hours (if you're lucky) where you lose yourself in the miles and the music. It's hard to explain, but its worth finding out.

Sons of guns

2012-09-19T11:07:00.001-05:00

I have three boys. Three boys who love to wrestle, draw, dance, game, and shoot. Not in that order and not everyday. But often enough for me to have to pull them apart. Yell for people to stop jumping off and onto the couch, turn off that game system....and for the love of god stop making gun noises.

I often have to check myself and evaluate what is just a bunch of boys having fun and what is a teachable moment. Which things should I let ride and what behaviors should I I discuss with them.

I gotta say. This gun thing is driving me mad. The pretend shooting. The interest in all things camouflage. The designation of good guys and bad guys.

And for my three sons, I know this play is just not that deep. For them its all fun. But for me....

Well, I wrestle with knowing there are rarely absolute "bad" guys and "good" guys. That often the people deemed "good" are the ones who have won the war and got to write the history books.

I wrestle with letting "boys be boys" and wanting to explain to them that people with guns can irreparably hurt one another. More than any fists, speeches, or wrestling matches ever could. People with guns can take out entire populations. People with guns can shoot first and ask questions later.

And that people with guns....I just don't want them to be the people with guns who hurt other people.

When I've asked my oldest what he would even need a gun for he says, "Protection." But how safe would a gun real or imagined really keep my boys?

It's one of those things I have no clear answers on. Just millions of questions.

So I say to the universe...

"Please keep my sons safe from people with guns. Let my sons be keepers of peace. Not of war."

Welcome to the Jungle

2012-09-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

You don't have to be from or in Illinois to have heard of the Chicago Teachers' Union Strike. It is now entering it's second week and negotiations and concessions are apparently underway.

It's an all around tough situation for everyone involved. Hundreds of thousands of children are at home or with impromptu sitters, teachers are not being paid, the City of Chicago looks bad, and there's still this massive education system to fix.

Having sent my children to public, private, and charter schools I've seen pluses/minuses/neutrals about them all. And at the end of the day I feel it is my job to ensure that my children are properly educated. And to do that I have sought to place them with teachers who feel it is there solemn duty to teach my children. But my endeavors have not always been successful.

"It takes two to tango"

On the flip side I've seen teachers who are truly committed to teaching children, yet they have to fight with administrators who are notorious time-wasters or micro-managers. Or teachers whose heart is in the right place but their skills do not yet match the class or grade assignment. Teachers who would greatly benefit from working with a teacher-mentor or class collaborating, but with falling budgets that almost never happens.

At least not in districts like Chicago Public Schools (CPS) where there isn't enough money to go around. And the money that is spent rarely shows up directly into a classroom or into lesson enhancements.

Then there are the absolutely terrible teachers who should have never been hired or more immediately fired. The teachers who demean, belittle, or hurt the children by lowering their expectations of themselves and what they are capable of. And these people seem to stick around forever.

Where are the answers?

Professional educators and administrators have countless sources of motivation so I don't purpose to know what's in the hearts of all those striking educators. But if I were in their shoes, as a dedicated educational professional...working in a district where violence is awfully common place, where high-stakes testing is considered a silver-bullet, and where longer school hours were the prescriptions...I might just be picketing too.

Sobbing and picketing.

Educators get into the field to educate. We want to teach even as we learn. Sure impostors join too for the tenure and health care, but honestly if I did not love working with children I wouldn't stick around. And I would trade tenure for a more competitive salary any day of the week.

I guess I say all that to say that I feel a great deal of empathy for the CPU teachers, parents, and children. It's a jungle out there. And no one knows how to clear away the path.

The What

2012-09-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

I've never understood bullies. I mean, I get the concept of feeling "higher" by lowering someone else. But I never understood the motivation to actually put something like that into motion. Yes, I could say or do something to take someone down a peg or two. But how does that make me feel any better?

Won't I just feel crummy again later? And maybe that's the case. Perhaps people who intentionally hurt other people do feel bad later so they seek out another victim to damage.

Maybe it's a cycle that isn't easily broken.

I was bullied a few times as a child. Each time was terrifying because I am by no means a fighter. At least not in the physical sense. But with the exception of the time my sisters and I were chased home by a pack of girls (yes, a pack), someone has always stood up for me.

A friend, one of my sisters, or random kid who apparently also knew I wasn't a fighter and didn't want to see me beat up or taken advantage of.

I've been a mixed bag when it comes to standing up for myself and more specifically to bullies. It may be that I over-think most things. I try to understand why someone would seek to undermine me. Or say dishonest things.

But I'm learning that the "why" does not always matter. It's my "what" that means the most.

What am I going to do about it?

I'm gonna stand up for my own d@mn self, that's what!

With a little help

2012-09-10T10:09:00.001-05:00

I finally buckled down and got a math tutor for the new Illinois Test of Academic Proficiency. Waiting so long to seek out help made absolutely no sense. But that is exactly what I did. Yesterday we spent an hour and a 1/2 working on practice problems and I honestly feel better equipped already.

It's funny because I know math is not my strong suit. Yet, I pretty much felt if I just kept trying I'd eventually figure it out. Then my husband said that the investment into a tutor was worth more than the trial, error, and defeat of retaking the same test with the same skills.

The funny part is that I'm generally the person that suggests we should look for help. I have no qualms about marriage counseling, therapists, expert advice, or GPS. If I don't know something I know there is a way I can find someone or something that will help me figure things out.

But apparently (and with great irony) my own education is one of my blind spots. Because I preform well in most of the things I need I often think I can just power through the areas that require support.

There's nothing wrong with getting by with a little help from our friends/tutors/therapists.

And we're off

2012-09-03T19:11:00.001-05:00

I just experienced the best vacation of my life. At the husband's suggestion our family picked up and headed to Minnesota for Labor Day weekend. We had Mall of America on our mind and were looking to kick back before officially kicking the new school year off in style.

I was a little nervous about the drive. Fearing it'd be congested and we'd come back stressed. But the drive up was fantastic and the trip itself was really laid back. I was able to forget about everything going on back home and just enjoy my family.

"What's crazy is just how thoroughly I was able to completely forget everything that was waiting back home."

So when I pulled into the garage a bunch of things came flooding back and I let out a sigh knowing the vacation was in fact over.

But after unpacking and settling in a bit I decided to drop the responsibilities and concerns about the future and just replay the most zen vacation of my entire life over and over again.

Even if it's just for tonight.

Happy Labor Day!

Adieu

2012-08-31T10:41:00.001-05:00

Goodbye Six Word Fridays. It's been

fun. But now seems like a

great time to transition on. I

am not quite sure what I

want Fridays to become, but I'll

let you know when I find

out! Have a great Labor Day!

~Dear Readers, I've participated in the Six Word Friday writing group for a while now and it is now switching out its host (which is perfectly normal and cool). But I've been pondering somethings I want to add to the blog so methinks it's a good time to get off the "prompt" train and tackle some of my ideas. Hope you'll stick around to see what's new!~

Filling my cup

2012-08-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

An open heart and an empty cup

Relationships are so important. Not just in the social aspects. But as a learning/growing/catapulting tool.

Have you ever been surrounded by so much experience or knowledge that you just had to sit back and take it all in?

That is how I felt today.

I had a mid-morning meeting with other tutors, teachers, and educators and they blew my socks off. There had to have been at least 100 years of quality education experience in that room. And it was buzzing all around me.

Ideas and insights. Tweaks and suggestions. I loved every minute this 2 hour meeting that morphed into 4!

I think, aside from being with professionals I respect, my excitement stemmed from knowing I am definitely in the right field. I've found my lane. This is it.

Just knowing this is what I want to do and that I plan to learn and absorb all that I can. Whether it be through continuing education classes, mentorships, or books. There is a world of knowledge that brings me to life and I am going to keep pursuing it and the relationships it engenders.

And to think, I found this group, these people while working in a job I did not particularly like, in a position that was NOT my passion. But through friendly relationships uncomfortable situations have led me from one dead end place to somewhere much more in align with who I am as a professional and a person.

Relationships can have a funny way of doing that. Of filling you up.

The simple life

2012-08-27T10:34:00.000-05:00

I am in the process completing my last Foundation of Teaching class before I enter the practicum (where I start going into a school for projects and teaching, etc.). Hip hip hooray!

The biggest takeaway from this summer term has been learning how to assess student learning and developing competencies to measure their progress.

It's something many highly effective teacher's practice. Setting benchmarks for their kids and then tracking the growth. It sounds so simple, yet many students go through classes and coursework every year never knowing what they are expected to learn and whether they have indeed learned it.

On a personal level I can see how that could be problematic. Imagine floating through life with no benchmarks. Nothing to measure yourself against. Or perhaps having benchmarks, but failing to adjust them to the reality of your life and the frequent shifts of your needs and perspective.

If I had to lay out a (rather broad) life objective it would be: To lead a simple life with love and peace.

The tricky part with me is that I LOVE to fill up my time. Pack my days FULL of activity. Pencil in appointment after appointment into my calendar. Which is not simple and sometimes counter-productive to me peace of mind.

So I'm learning to accept my reality. Which is that I DO need to be committed to something (i.e. tutoring,volunteer work), but I also have ongoing responsibilities to my children, spouse, and grand-family to consider.

Assessing my comfort level and changing things up accordingly will be a step toward my objective of simplicity and peace.

Which its something every teacher knows, small steps lead to greater progress.